#maybe one day they can be brought back
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Photos from last year.. heaven on earth
#silvi talks#not ffxiv#the cranes are the symbol of my province#the horse is an ardennes named willmar hes a darling#and thats me and bonus dad in the spacesuits#all thats for some context <3#the wild strawberries grow in the garden#we used to have tons of raspberry bushes but we'll need to reintroduce them#climate change sucks... the fields used to have SO many different flowers#i called it ''magiska ängen'' (the magical meadow) growing up thats how beautiful it was#maybe one day they can be brought back#if not all at least some of them#a lot of irl shit posted today but im just feeling emotional!!! and happy!!!!#am so glad to still be alive and i only feel more and more grateful for it each and every day that passes
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If nothing else Koenma is a Kuwabara stan and I'm right there with him o7 (I need to write the kuwameshi fic that goes with this fr)
#maybe one day i'll write that au i have sitting in my head#ever since the comment he made about making kuwa spirit detective instead ive been thinking about it#like...what if yusuke is still recruited same as canon but like#kuwa was already spirit detective? doing assignments for the guys upstairs and all#and they made yusuke help him after his resurrection instead of going solo#and it's hilarious because they still have the ''rivalry'' set in place so it's like#now i gotta be coworkers with this guy i was in a fist fight with last week?#yusuke is like you can't be serious you want me to fight DEMONS with the guy who cant even beat ME? lmaooo okay#kuwa would be more in tune with his powers atp in this au and super offended like hello#why would i use my reiki on a FELLOW HUMAN CHILD you DICK i can hold my own on my assignments just fine#but he's actually really excited to be able to spend time with yusuke doing something besides getting his ass handed to him#they're both genkai's students (she's endlessly annoyed but they grow on her)#i just think it'd be fun cos like#it'd be harder to exclude kazuma from shit if he's literally been involved in this shit before he even met#kurama and hiei#kuwabara isn't really told about yusuke's resurrection so things go mostly the same up til he's brought back#they're both called to koenma's office and it's the spiderman pointing meme 💀#it's koenma's first time seeing kuwa in person as he usually just sends assignments with botan#yusuke has already seen him cos of the resurrection arc#and koenma is SUCH a fanboy ''kuwabara it's such a pleasure. you know you're my best worker 🥺''#''um urameshi am i seeing things or is that a fuckin baby'' yusuke will NOT stop laughing#it fucks koenma up so bad he makes sure he's in his adult form when he's around kuwa next#cos he wants to be the respected boss but also guy that you can chill with!! he's so cringe#okay yeah i need to write this it's such a fun concept#kuwameshi#yu yu hakusho#kuwabara kazuma#yusuke urameshi#koenma
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screaming and crying over Spider and Neteyam and Fable;
When I lifted his urn Divinity says, "Destiny can't be earned or returned" I feel when I question, my skin starts to burn Why does my skin start to burn? Capital loss Love was the law and religion was taught, I'm not bought Feel when we argue, our skin starts to rot Our skin starts to rot
So, share me your plan If I implore you, could I be your lamb? Understand I look for the truth in the back of your hand, and I Look into the open sky Stars blink like my brother's eyes Stars blink like my brother's eyes Stars blink like his eyes Like his eyes I dream of eternal life
Spider grieving the death of the baby brother he failed. he never pushed him away, he clung to him, he clung so hard, even if he did so quietly, because that was his first brother, his baby brother, in a way that Lo'ak was not (because first and younger are different. they matter the exact same, he could never have a favorite, but it's different in a way there are no words for). Neteyam could push and push and he'd still watch over him and love him and worry over him.
When I lifted his urn Divinity says, "Destiny can't be earned or returned"
Spider holding his baby brother one last time, even if he just sneaks into the mauri holding the dead, because he otherwise does not belong, scooping his head into his hands to kiss his forehead and whisper a goodbye and tell him he always loved him no matter what and that he's sorry. he's so sorry.
in that moment he realizes that their fate has come to end. they were always doomed. to be brothers. to fall apart. to never get a second chance. that no amount of goodness— because his baby brother was good. flawed. that's not even the right word, too harsh. he could call him flawed. no. no he was a child stumbling through life, a hard life, blindly. but he was good. always. always —could have given them a better fate.
I feel when I question, my skin starts to burn Why does my skin start to burn?
a flashback to Neteyam. maybe a memory in Eywa, when the soul of a boy who died too young with too many regrets and dreams and things to fix breaks through the idea of paradise, of peace and rest, of closure, and instead falls onto his brother.
the one he abandoned.
onto whispers— demon. he should be with his own kind. it is unbecoming of you. you need to be a warrior, Neteyam, not running of with him. he will only become his father. his blood bears his sins —that plagued him.
shame blisters his skin. it hurts. it aches. he turned his brother away over whispers? he hurt him over whispers? he put them both through so much pain over whispers?
it had always burned. the feeling was familiar. so familiar. every time he looked back to him and considered taking his hand or curling into his arms or falling into his lap, like old times, questioning why he had ever left this behind... it burned.
why did it burn? he used to think. and now he knows. shame. it was shame.
Capital loss Love was the law and religion was taught, I'm not bought
death. death and blood. death and blood and pain and...
words left unsaid.
clinging apologies.
pleading— take me back. come back to me. take me back. come back to me. take me back. come back to me. take me back. come back to me. take me back. come back to me. please I'm begging you —words wanting to spill out at freely as the blood on the rocks
none of it was worth it.
love should have always come before hate.
hate was taught.
they only fell apart when they were old enough to understand what hate was.
when Neteyam was old enough to understand he should— according to his mother and his people and his clan and all the weight on his shoulders —hate his brother.
when Spider was old enough to realize no one but his brothers- brother and sisters liked him. liked him enough to fight for him. in their childish ways.
none of it should have been.
had there been love, maybe Neteyam would still be living and breathing. maybe it would have changed their fate.
Feel when we argue, our skin starts to rot Our skin starts to rot
another flash. the final fall out. a blow up.
desperate pleading once more.
Neteyam begging his brother to leave him alone, because he cannot keep pushing. it is breaking him. but he can't— he is not allowed to have him.
Spider finally breaking under the weight. he cannot keep doing this.
but as they walk away, nausea eats them away.
Neteyam will cling to each second he can pretend things were as they used to be.
Spider will watch silently.
they are dying.
long before their deaths; the death of a body, the death of a heart and mind.
they are dying.
they are rotting.
fading away
So, share me your plan If I implore you, could I be your lamb? Understand
Spider seeking out the Great Mother. offering himself a sacrifice. forever the lamb.
he did it long before now. before Neteyam was gone. when the war came. when the war parties went out. when Neteyam joined them. when he came back bloodied and bruised.
What is your plan? do you see blood? will take my blood instead of his? I will bare my neck, just leave my brother unharmed. please I beg. I beg.
he asked again when he was taken.
take mine, not his.
because Neteyam might have been a warrior, but he was also his baby brother, and he would always bleed first. he would bleed the blood that tore them apart to begin with.
and now he asks again, still trying to scrape his brother's blood from his nails.
why couldn't you do this one thing for me? why couldn't you let him live? why couldn't you take this hated blood? why could I be your lamb?
I look for the truth in the back of your hand, and I look into the open sky
Spider holding his baby brother's hand. again and again and again. growjng older, larger, wider, tougher each time.
holding it one last time.
tracing where stars should be.
they aren't there.
neither are the answers.
he looks up.
Stars blink like my brother's eyes
he wishes his brother would just open his eyes. that he would see that childish brightness—
hope and love and light and blissful naivety. unknowing of hate
—once more. just one last time.
the stars hold that light.
Stars blink like my brother's eyes
tears prick his eyes once more.
there are more stars in the sky than there ever were on his skin.
more light than there was in a lifetime of watching his eyes.
they had gone so cold and tired so fast, just like his shoulders.
Stars blink like his eyes
he stares up at the stars and cries.
Like his eyes
he wants his baby brother back.
he just wants him back.
he'd give anything.
I dream of eternal life
Spider prays for his brother's peace in Eywa.
Neteyam plays in the creek with his brother, a wide smile on his face.
#back on my fucking bullshit#and I don't think I'm hopping off anytime soon#this song is theirs actually#grief and guilt so strong Neteyam can feel the burn of shame in the afterlife#Spider would give his soul to soothe it#to tell him to never. ever. blame himself for it. to blame the hate shoved down his throat instead.#maybe one day he will get to.#Spider 1000% said goodbye to his baby brother. and if you think otherwise you don't know him.#he kissed his forehead. like when they were little and he made sure his brothe fell asleep first so he could kiss him goodnight.#he held his hand and held his head in his lap and told him he loved him. just for a moment.#he held his han when he was first brought to the water#just so he wouldn't be scared#he looked up to the stars and blinked back tears#avatar 2#avatar the way of water#spider socorro#miles spider socorro#miles socorro#avatar#avatar spider#neteyam#neteyam avatar#neteyam atwow#avatar neteyam#atwow neteyam#neteyam te suli tsyeyk'itan#neteyam sully#brothers your honor
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I've been out all day with my mom and i pretty much spent the whole time we were in stores on a Spiderman/Ironman hunt
just pointing at everything with one of them on it and saying with dumbest voice "spiderman~" "Ironman~"
I'm lucky my mom is so used to my bullshit
she sat through like two hours of Starker edits and clip compilations once we made it back to her house too
it's fun being into a pairing that has enough to work with for edits again I missed it alot because i used to love edits and amvs but since getting heavy into Percy i haven't watched them as much since he just doesn't really get them because of the whole like three scenes thing
#Starker#also she said after one youtube clip vid that she can see why they're shipped which is always validating to me#Also cue me gripping her arm and going 'he died in his arms!! and like sure he was brought back but aaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAA'#still haven't watched the moives#will I? idk i for real feel tempted maybe one day#It's also interesting to be into a ship again and not a character#which could still change ofc#it normally does eventually for me in long term fixations#and i can already feel myself leaning towards Peter a little#this incarnation of him is very cute#also like 10k fics is alot to work through too#but again Tony just makes such a 'wow this is targeted at me' kind of ship that im like hm who knows#i still don't know if starker is going to be a long stay or just a little mini fixation that fades after a month or so#but i'm having fun so far#don't know if i'll ever write them myself(will def actually watch the moives first if i ever consider it)#but don't be shocked if you suddenly see a podfic from me because they are really all ive been reading
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Black Ops 6. I think I’ve seen tossed about is if the old crew is getting revived or mentioned or will be somehow relevant to the plot.
Do I think they will bring the original crew back? Not really. Like a 25% yes, 75% no. The nostalgia bait would be Huge. A ton of people would come back, even if they’re just operator skins, I just know it. And considering corporate greed, I can’t realistically say they’re above baiting that nostalgia.
Thematically? There would be a lot going on about it thematically speaking.
A good question, and perhaps the biggest, would be “how”? Getting the audience on board with their revival is critical to the reception of them. If it’s an asspull, people will be pissy. If it makes sense, people will still be pissy because they’re cod fanboys but would not be as obnoxious about it. The only really good answer would be through the dark aether. Maybe Takeo and Dempsey’s souls could have endured the destruction of everything since they were technically in the summoning key when that happened (even though it broke in the process, and I’m not sure how one could finagle getting Nikolai back in that case). Maybe it’s some alternative version of them that was alive when the multiverse collapsed and were consumed and banished like Victis. Maybe they’ll tie in the fucking Cod Mobile lore happening over there. Maybe there’s like some kind of freaky Homestuck-esque Ultimate Self shenanigans going on there. An ego without the persona. A mind above partition. They were sort of leaning into that in Alpha Omega, so it’s not a complete stretch. But whatever.
Maybe Richtofen missed them. Their souls were bonded, afterall. With them gone, does he feel exposed? Alone? Where he, in the most intimate way, pressed against them, his very soul mixed with theirs, there is now gaping air, something missing. Perhaps the death of his family only worsened that feeling. Perhaps that’s why he wanted a family in the first place. Perhaps knowing that people can be ripped from him so suddenly, so violently, without any warning, makes him crave that familiarity, that guaranteed company, that there will always be someone there.
(Janus is a god of doorways and beginnings and endings.)
But what’s in there, thematically speaking?
I’d like to get a bit meta. (who would have thought?) Richtofen, at least in this hypothetical storyline, would be the community, or at least the old guard. Wanting that return, even if it wasn’t as great as he has made it out to be. (It was bad. He hurt people and was hurt himself.) So bringing his team back would symbolize him abandoning the future, the world that Nikolai sacrificed everything for, to go back.
Those opposing him, namely the new crew, possibly Samantha, would ultimately symbolize the future. Wanting to move forwards, to leave the past. That no one living can exist in the past. Even if it's different and scary and brand new, it has to be done. You have to keep moving or you will be left behind.
I think it would be something very hard to chew, but ultimately cathartic to the community. A more “proper” goodbye to the old crew. They were very, very, very unceremoniously killed off in a way the community perceived to be disrespectful to not only the characters themselves, but the player base,and the story itself. “Re-doing” that, in a sense, might give the characters themselves more time to come to terms with it, as well as the community.
Now, it’s fair to criticize bringing them back just to kill them immediately afterwards. But, isn’t that what happened in BO3? Perhaps, not an exact 1 to 1, but I do know a few old heads only stayed with BO3 because they would get to see Ultimis again after them being MIA in BO2 and slowly warmed up to Primis along the way.
Truthfully, I think they’re dead as doornails. At most, they live in whatever memories Eddie has. And ours, too, I guess. Anyway poll. For science. Zombie science!!!
#codz#call of duty zombies#cod zombies#hmm yeah I'll tag the guys since they're pretty relevant to the discussion#edward richtofen#nikolai belinski#tank dempsey#takeo masaki#wow ive been on a roll#two posts in one day!#anyway a lot of this was because I saw a post on reddit talking about any of the crews returning#and I was like. hm. that could actually be compelling#if they wrote it right of course#the most likely to be brought back is 100% victis though#but like. then I thought about their souls being bonded and how fucked up that is#can you fucking imagine#being with people for so long that your very soul is used to their presence#forever fated to meet every version of you and every version of them#and you are the one single version without. the one alone.#I would also go crazy. maybe even become a heterosexual.#still mad about that btw
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hhhh talking about my writing was fun but 30 tags is not enough.. yes i have 3 major influences but i have minor ones too.. it is a lovechild of my favorite things.. writing is so fun and i have no self control or a concept of pacing myself i will sit there for 16 hours and get hit with every status effect but by god does it all just flow out of me. I've always been a music person yes but i also used to write a lot into early adulthood until The Incident™
but i am ready 2 jump back into it. i think comics are a great middle ground between the two mediums so i don't get As into writing bc i kind of started going crazy last time 🫡 i can take a more structured approach to it that forces me to pace myself and think about it differently. i love art.... i love making things i love knowing how to do things i love knowing how to play things i love having so many creative outlets, even if i don't do a lot of them regularly lol. it is enriching 😳 and nice to know that it's always there to come back to when u want.
#if u want the tea my imagination at the time was like i could space out and straight up just be another person POV doing every little#thing as if i were them for hours and the experience would come together without having to even think about it.#different times/places/contexts/conversations etc. forced 2 to to my mom's lil cult meetings for 2 hours twice a week#i would opt to do these imagination exercises instead to rly put myself in a character's perspective. every step‚ stumble‚#riding in a carriage together for the entirety from point A to B etc. WELL i was working on a horror anthology somewhere 18/19#(that had a small local following 🫶🏾) and it its concept was like the Twilight zone but a lot darker. it was called interdimensional#and the main recurring character never actually shows up in the story. they r an omnipresent god of death who exists everywhere but#exists outside of our realm‚ and it picks random people to reveal itself to as a symbol. it can be apparent or just in passing that#the entry's MC sees it in‚ it will appear on something somewhere and once it's brought up it's a cue to the reader that this person#has just been sent to an alternate reality that leads towards their inevitable death. for the character nothing ever changes immediately#but the different starts to creep its way in‚ as does death's approach at its crescendo but the path's i took to get there were 😨#and after enough entries i started to see the symbol irl and hallucinate some other stuff from my stories and it really scared me#and made me stop 🫡 but i think in retrospect i just went too hard on the imagination exercises and wished i tried cultivating it instead#give myself time to settle and get in control.. but alas‚ she has not written seriously since. to this day it still flows out of me if#i just sit down to do it‚ but i don't think I'm at risk of something like that happening again anymore :3 so yeah ♡ i am learning how to#draw and trying not 2 force it bc i want it to b fun as a little journey for me and i look forward to the day i can come back to actively#writing again too 🫶🏾 i miss it but i also want to b able to draw ૮₍ ˃ ⤙ ˂ ₎ა#learn the hard thing first then do the stuff that comes naturally.... i also want to get back into music sometime but clearly i got a lot of#other stuff to work on 💀 i burnt myself out on it learning too many things and not having enough fun with it anymore‚#but i have a better healthier with art these days and i know it'll be great to come back to when I'm ready 😌💕#i have been considering getting an acoustic or bass guitar tho 🧐 the beauty of physical instruments.. they're just there ready 2 go..#I've been doing mostly digital the past few years‚ when i was making music. it was also rly hard to when i was w my ex ૮ – ﻌ–ა#that's a whole other rant lol. but ugh digital is like u gotta set it up u gotta make space and then u gotta be in one spot the whole time#i just wanna lay in bed and vibe or something yfm.. walk around maybe idk. do something less structured.#maybe.. hm. hmmm 🧐#I'm going to guitar center lol c ya ✌🏾 getting a bass and amp and maybe a guitar too depending on the price
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on another note
#4-5ish months i’ve been the main (i’m pretty sure only) person cleaning every weekend#my only days off and through the week clean dishes or load up the washer and pick them up#occasionally someone else w load it but not pick up or vice verse#november i lost all motivation i ask for help i get told they’re tired or they work or later or im met w but i did xyz the other day blah bl#blah blah yk#i tried to clean in nov but i just can’t im tired it’s constant that im cleaning i want to do things not go from work to home for chores to#also cook and then clean up dinner because i also have a job#and when i do something im not like OH well i did xyz! so i won’t do that …no i just say okay because why bring up what i already did things#need to be done why are you arguing with me like we want to bring up receipts? i’ll bring them up#i’m cleaning up clothes that’s not mine i’m cleaning up shit piss ans throw up of a dog that is not mine i walk said dog occasionally#but nope not the other way around why would they do any of that when it’s not theirs ?#i ask them to pick one day to make dinner nope i can’t i’m busy i have xyz …okay i have work gym appts errands too#and since i have cleaned in like a month or over it’s a mess but no one has taken action to fix that it’s just it’s messy in here#that’s why i hate if you need help ask. .#I ASK I DONT GET HELP you ask i help but god forbid i ask#‘but you clean weird’ ‘you do a deep clean’ it’s a regular clean i clean to clean not to light dust and see it be back to how it was in a#day or two. deep clean is i’m up in a ladder cleaning the vents cleaning cabinets shelves i can’t regularly reach or are hard to get to and#honestly that should be a monthly thing#weekly is wipe down appliances. sweep swiffer vacuum and mop the floors. wipe countertops and flat surfaces. flip the chairs around tighten#bolts wash the tablecloth clean the table. vacuum the couches lint roll any cloth surfaces. clean or wipe down the stove/microwave depending#on how dirty. clean bathroom tub toilet sink floors mirror. this is not a deep clean w that you get the fridge and dishwasher windows move t#the furniture to clean under that. i am tired and i dont ever get to finish everything#bathroom stays last and weekends are only so long i also go to the gym or need to go to the store or have ot to do#and ik i brought up here that im depressed but im not bring that up to them because regardless these things need to get done be it a the#worlds slowest pace but does need to happen and i don’t want to use that as an excuse because i will just let myself lay in bed and not show#shower or move does this mentality eat away at me maybe idk but it’s what my parents gave me and it’s not changing i don’t think so here we#are.#we can wait another month and i might be on the up but ill be down again so 🤷♀️#like actually i can use a lot of things as an excuse but that doesn’t help anyone does it ?
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#fuck me sorry but that post actually unlocked so many memories for me rn and i simply must get them out lmao#anyways i just wish there was a way i could tell my geography teacher how much of an impact she made on my life#it absolutely shook my world view up when we did our lesson on migration and she asked me what the positives to immigration were#me. a brown girl living in britain her whole life where all she really saw and understood was an inherent hatred for immigrants.#and so i prattled off the textbook answer- they bring people who can do labour and earn more money for the country#and shes like 'and?' and i drew a blank. i couldnt think of anything else. what else were they worthy for?#and she explains. she says music. and food. and culture. and god. im tearing up just thinking about it. like in that single moment she just#fucking changed everything for me. like yeah. yeah ppl do bring that. they make this place everything it is. they bring Life to this place.#i feel like my words are so jumbled lmao idk how else to explain it i am simply soooooooooooooooooo emo like seriously#and it wasnt after i didnt have her as a teacher i was told my one of my friends that she always gives the best student in her class a#a yellow ring binder. the rest get green. guess what one i got. LIKE IM GOING TO CRY AND NEVER STOP. and i didnt know!! i never fucking knew#i literally remember her that day when she was like ah seems im all out @ H could you follow me pls and ill get you answer one from storage#and then she gave me a yellow ring binder like. fuck me man. fuuuuuuckkkkkkkkkkk#and i think back so much because she had a scottish sounding second name but she was married. and part of me thinks maybe her parents were#polish? just from context clues. but i dont actually know. and part of me is like am i just romanticising her? i didnt actually know who she#was. all i have is these little moments and how she treated me and the fact i liked her class#and people were so rude about her btw. like thought she was a dickhead. but she wasnt. she actually wasnt she just didnt take ppls shit. :((#and now im remembering that time i didnt do my homework and my friend took my jotter from the pile AS SHE WAS MARKING THEM and brought it#to me so i could copy off her#and ngl i always thought it was funny and sneaky but now im realising she probably fucking knew and didnt say anything because she liked us#god im gonna cry#i hope youre ok out there and i hope youre happy. i hope my idea of you is correct.#*insert spongebob laying on ground meme*#le text post
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my top 5 artists this month are twenty one pilots, imagine dragons, ghost quartet, gracie abrams and dave malloy... interesting
#i mean no one's surprised with twenty one pilots for sure#imagine dragons because i bought the tickets for their show next year so it kinda brought me back#dave malloy & ghost quartet... this is so obvious#every once in a while i just feel the need to listen to some weird shit composed by dave#i think about him at least once a week#the lack of lmm and taylor swift is very telling tbh#and i think at this point i can admit gracie abrams is my favourite pop girlie#somehow listening to her new album didn't feel right in the summer#the secret of us is an autumn record for me it just feels so cozy but maybe it's just her voice#or aaron's production idk#but yeah i'm listening to it now and it finally feels right#anyway#i hope she's gonna visit poland one day#i would die to see her live#i say whatever and whatever that i want*
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#warning: rant about parent ahead#I’m so so so so so empathetic to mental health struggles#like exceedingly so#but it’s just so exhausting being on the receiving end of someone’s self-loathing#and to be clear I AM NOT TALKING ABOUT ANYONE HERE#you are all my phone besties and I have so much empathy for your struggles and know that i love you all#and wish i could say the right thing to support you all always and you are always welcome to share whatever is going on#and to quote the bard herself i wish i could take the bombs in your head and disarm them#but when my mother gets into these moods she just seems to use it as a way to get a rise out of us#she’s pulling the ‘well maybe you don’t want to do x with me because it’s not fun because I’m a terrible person and you’re scared of me#and i ruin everything so maybe you would just rather i do everything alone’#and i don’t doubt she feels horrible and i know she has intrusive thoughts etc#but that is so manipulative!!!! she then puts the onus on us to reassure her that she is not!!!! But that is not what she wants!!!!#which we then do profusely and remind her that we do love her and we do do things together and whatever the fuck is the problem of the day#but of course she won’t hear it#so yes it makes us scared of her because we are always worried we’re going to say the wrong thing in a given moment!!!!#i just shut the fuck up at all times now#but my dad tries to use reason with her and of course it just ends in her lashing out and projecting all this shit on him#’oh you maybe you actually hate me maybe you want to leave me’ etc#THEY’VE BEEN MARRIED DECADES HE’S THE MOST LOYAL AND KINDEST PERSON IN THE WORLD HE NEVER ONCE HAS#i honestly don’t know how he lets this roll off his back because i am so fed up with it#It’s just so so so so hard because one minute she’s ‘herself’ and the other she’s this inferno#and we just have to ride whatever wave she’s on and it sucks all the air out of the room#it’s like the one and only time i tried to very gently bring up that something she said was hurtful *after she’d brought it up herself*#she went on a ‘oh I’m a terrible person/terrible parent’ rant and it then turned into me reassuring her that she isn’t#i was just trying to show her how the language/behaviour she uses was hurtful to me#so anyway that was lesson learned that even if she invites it i will never speak of it and luckily she hasn’t since and that was years ago#But it’s just… i know bad thoughts can’t be helped and again i feel so much pain on her behalf for what she struggles with#and i wish i could help but there’s absolutely nothing i can do#AND SHE’S GONE OFF ALL HER MEDS SO THE ONE SOURCE SHE DID HAVE ISN’T THERE ANYMORE EITHER
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I like to think that if my tumblr pals came to my house, they’d have a good time
#random post#I don’t mean that as in ‘yea woo let’s party and get fucked up’ like no lol#I just mean. our house is a place where people get along#there’s no expectations here. wanna sit and talk? we can hang out and talk about whatever#wanna play a game? chances are a few other people do to#need to get away for a bit and maybe take a nap? we’ve got plenty of beds take your pick. we’ll make sure no one bothers you#hungry or thirsty? help yourself don’t be shy. we can always get more#like we had ppl over on Saturday and it was so FUN like ppl would talk all together and then different conversations would split off of that#we would go outside then back in. we had food and some ppl had alcohol#we were laughing SO hard about funny shit (like discovering that my sisters bf worked on the gas meter at grandpas but didn’t SAY ANYTHING#ABOUT IT LMFAO) my cousin brought his gf to meet everyone and she just fit in perfectly and so obviously had an obsession for animals#her and my sister were like sudden bffs it was hilarious. my brother and younger cousin ate at 2:40 and slept upstairs till 6:00#and all we did was turn of the light and put on a fan for em lol. crack up at how comfortable they were#me and my lil sister were walking up and down the driveway talking and looking at the stars. the nap duo were pointing out constellations#when most everyone left it was my household and my sister and her bf. she played uno flip and incoherent with me (usually no one does lol)#and we laughed very hard at all of the adult cards. one of the hints she gave for sidechicks was ‘sad used to have a lot of these’ and#I immediately got it. it was fun. we blasted music from the 2000’s and ate bread#I slept for 11 hours that night lmao and I was tired the next day but I wouldn’t have changed it. I like them lots#it’s days like that that make me think I’m more extroverted than introverted. just because I don’t always know what to say doesn’t mean#I don’t like to talk yn? anyways I’m writing a novel in the tags but I don’t care <3 I just love us and I wish#other people were able to have love and fun times often#I hope this doesn’t sound like me bragging about my home life. trust me I know it’s not some shining light in the darkness or whatever#but it’s something. and I don’t mind sharing my love with other people
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Something I've noticed from subbing to just a couple of very small patreons (like fewer than 50 members) is how SHY people are about talking to the creator that they are paying! What's up with that? I wonder if it's because most of these patrons come via tumblr, where there is the culture of talking in the tags/reblogs and comments being your "outdoor voice"/basically it being RUDE to talk to people.
I think that's fucked up, especially in the context of artists (just to be clear every time I say artists that is inclusive of writers). Like these are people that are making a thing and showing it to you, they don't just want silent nods of approval by way of reblogs/likes. They want FEEDBACK. They want CONNECTION. I think a fundamental part of creating and sharing art is the goal of connection. And I don't think people realize how truly disheartening it is to post something and then get completely silent likes/reblogs.
For the love of God they are TALKING TO YOU. TALK BACK!!!!
#i love you arts-i-enjoy where i can post thoughts direct from my brain and trust that no one will ever see it 😌#this post brought to you by: me#i get we're on tumblr where most of the interactions we see are people saying the most batshit things#but literally just be nice and respectful and i swear to you i promise you people will be happy you commented#talking in the tags is good!!! i do that a lot on art and stuff! but also on platforms like ao3 or patreon where the only option is comment#DO THAT. THAT IS WAY BETTER THAN NOTHING.#maybe im projecting but i Always love it when people talk to me as long as they are kind#i just. think we could be nicer to each other. and make each other happier#also thinking about the times ive trained people are my job and my friend who is a Trainer for their job#and how absolutely soul crushing it is to talk and talk and know that people are there and are choosing not to talk back to you#like the people in training that just. laugh at my dumb little light hearted comment. i owe them everything#oof throw back to the day i spent 8 hours training 15 people in a class together and i think the whole time 2 of them came of mute ever#destroy your voice and also your enthusiasm with this one easy 8 hour trick! you will want to sleep for three days!#god im such a fucking people person how did i ever think i was a hardcore “”“”introvert“”“”#nooo baby youre just completely socially isolated and depressed meet some people you actually like and you will see the light baby girl#this week is gonna fucking kill me. my last local friends are moving to a different state. im gonna be alone. in florida#gahhhhhhhhh#anyways yeah talk to people about the stuff they make itll enrich both of you <3
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man imagine if i actually did a writeup for every one of my private verses so people knew what the hell was going on in them lol
#✦ ooc#like im sure some shit is so weird to see like#i'm so here for good dad bruce and i have so many verses with good dad bruce#but in the m&m verse in particular he kinda sucks a lot#and i'm sure that can be jarring for people to see lmao#especially for anyone new here#but honestly i think that's pretty much the only verse i have where he's kinda awful?#yeah i just checked#in every other verse bruce is at least decent#like yeah him and grownup jason have their issues#but jason has not dealt with the amount of awful shit from him that he has in m&m#we pick and choose canon here sorry not sorry lol#dean is his dad now in m&m and he's better off for it#he's also died a second time in that verse and got brought back totally human again?#so that's another big difference???#man i really should do a writeup but i have so many verses and that'd be so much effort#maybe one day#anyways if you're ever interested in knowing what the hell is happening in a verse/thread/meme reply feel free to reach out lmao#i will dump ALL the lore on you ;)
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i really am just going to have to lean into the fact that i just really like cheese board foods and deal with that, aren't I?
#tw: eating disorder#this post brought to you by#the can of olives i put on the list last grocery run that i am having to stop myself from devouring in one go#and how well black olives pair with cream cheese on any vehicle#(it's very well btw in case you were wondering)#get some hard salamies some good cheese options some more olive varieties some pickles maybe some nuts and dried fruits#mmm#...it is not lost on me that the heavy presence of salty foods on here is probably my body's attempt to fix itself from the POTS lol#i struggle with eating around people so you'd THINK this would actually not help#but i might try and hold back some of the olives so i can have them on my plate for Upcoming Holiday Meals so i can eat with everyone...#i think it might work#cause i have zero problem with these foods to the point that i will annihilate a snack table if i don't monitor myself#and remember there are usually other people involved when the snack table layout happens#....learning this is a thing i have has not been my most fun revelation i'll be so honest with you right now#i have panic attacks if i know it's possible other people know i am even making my own plate to eat in my room alone#because then they know i'm consuming food#and it hits randomly - i'm blaming it on the holiday season right now#i don't remember if it's seasonal or not but it feels like this is something i've been struggling with all year and probably for longer#and like... it's fucked up i can't eat with people#i want to hang out i want to enjoy the meal in front of whoever made it so they see i loved it#i want to hang out and chat and have fun and watch stuff with other people#and sometimes i can figure out how to do that#but i... i got startled earlier this year with someone who was Greeting Me while i ate and i reacted poorly and i feel terrible every time#because like... i love this person i want them to feel comfortable enough to come give me a hug as soon as they're at me#i want them to know i want their presence i just...#i was eating and i... i can't let people know i eat - i'm messy i'm too fast i'm too slow i talk too much i'm not talking at all i'm eating#something weird i'm eating something normal and boring and someone is going to say something about how much is on my plate and#...and i really do in fact have an eating disorder like#i don't need a doctor to tell me that i have something wrong with my relationship to food and the consumption thereof and i'm fighting it#i'm fighting it EVERY DAMN DAY because i *know* i need to eat and i *know* i dont NEED to earn my food
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This is something I learned at one of the pre-op visits for my breast reduction! My surgeon was basically I think an independent surgeon (as I guess I would imagine is common for “cosmetic”/plastic surgeons?) and she was telling us a little bit about what to do for talking to insurance about the surgery and stuff, and she mentioned that for us going through insurance it would be at a particular hospital, but she also often did surgeries where people didn’t use there insurance, and she did those at some other place, and the price she charged up front was much lower, because that was the actual cost of the surgery (and equipment and everyone’s salaries etc.) and she had to raise the ticket price significantly when people would go through insurance, because the insurance company would negotiate that price down, and then keep some of the money. (Obviously for us and many others it still worked out to be cheaper for us out of pocket to go through insurance, but the amount she made was roughly the same even though it would look like she charged thousands more for my breast reduction than for someone not using insurance)
So, when you get those bills from your insurance after a doctors visit, and there’s that little table that tells you, this is the cost of the visit, this is the discount we got you, this is how much we paid, this is how much you still have to pay?
That line about “we got you this discount” is misleading. They actually caused the provider to raise the initial cost of your care by that amount, or more, in anticipation of the insurance company refusing to pay the full amount so that they could tell you they got you a discount.
"Why does a 15-minute visit with a doctor cost 150 bucks in America???" you're gonna want to read Money-Driven Medicine, by Maggie Mahar, and probably also The Social Transformation of American Medicine, to answer that question. It is not because your doctor is a greedy bastard; your doctor does not see most of that money. It is because the system is broken to a level that is truly impressive in its dedication to making a shit ton of money for insurance company executives and shareholders.
#my doctors visits are always around 3 or 400 for me because they never get billed as physicals because I also need prescriptions filled#and I need to go in 4x a year because adderall is so heavily restricted#and my last visit was actually $700 because they needed to drug test me not even for a real reason but because at the previous visit when#they drug tested me (also for bullshit reasons- to check that I was taking my meds instead of selling them or soemthing)#it came up with a false positive for opioids. which I don’t have access to or interest in and would not have been in my system#(mom’s nurse friend hypothesized that maybe the poppy seeds on the wverythign bagel I probably had for breakfast that morning set it off. it#seems like that’s a pretty common food to have and they should either warn you ahead of time about that or it shouldn’t be sensitive enough#to pick that up)#and insurance was like ‘we got you a $195 discount’ which is bs and ‘we paid $4’ which is even stupider#so now at my next virtual visit I’m gonna have to say hey I know the answer is no because of institutionalized stigma against me that you’re#not willing to push back on but I can’t fuckingn afford to keep paying $1600+ a year for what at this point is a middle man between me and a#pharmacist because I’ve been on this medication for fucking ages and all my other ones could be refilled at a yearly physical#so is there any way we could change things up somehow. and she’s going to say no. and I’m going to be angry and upset about it for days#back when i was at my pediatrician I had to go in every six months which was annoying but I would happily go back to that over four times a#year#but idk if the rules changed or if the rules are different for adults or if my doctor just sucks bc I brought that up early on and she was#like no this is what we do#I mean. I can technically afford it. I have the money I’m not going into medical debt or anything. I live at home with my parents and have#very low living expenses and my checking account is limited primarily by my own standards of how much I’ve decided I want to be putting into#my savings account each paycheck. but when the biggest expense in my life is something that already frustrates me and that I know is exp too#expensive and that I feel I shouldn’t have to be doing anyway and I know I’m being treated unfairly#it just feels so much worse. having to take money out of my savings account wouldn’t be the end of the world. but it feels wrongs#and I only make like $36#lmao I forgot about the commas thing.#like $36k a year so I also am aware that even though I’m in a lucky place where I’m stable that’s not *that* much money and I feel like that#is how I tend to think of things. because I’m not going to live with my parents forever and I’m deeply aware that for most people who have#to pay a rent or a mortgage $36k is the lower end of things and a seven fucking hundred dollar doctors bill is a big fuckingn deal#for a regular fucking doctors appointment#it’s not like I fucking asked to be drug tested they said ‘pay us to look at your pee or else’#it’s all bullshit
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Me: *creates an OC*
Me: *heavily implies OC will meet a bad fate*
OC: *meets bad fate*
Me:
(Alternatively, I may have started it, but @katkastrofa enabled me and now I’m losing my mind)
#Kat and Nia and their multiverse of madness#first rule of interacting with Nia: don’t suggest a dark/whumpy/extremely angsty concept to them#they’ll take it and run a marathon with it and next thing you know their own ideas are making them cry#this is just what happens when I start developing an OC during a rough time in my life#happens every time. guess who came up with Summiya’s fall from grace after their college application fell through??#and since Summiya has a more or less completed storyline. it’s now someone else’s turn#namely Jia’s. also Sunat’s but. mostly Jia’s. Sunat is more angst than whump and I’m craving PAIN#I’ve been frothing at the mouth thinking about Jia all day#just.. imagine how terrified she must have been when she was brought before Jusamah. when he said that he’d make her talk one way or another#and if she doesn’t want to obey and confess willingly… something else can be arranged#how her fear got even worse when she was dragged into the palace dungeons. when she saw the whipping post#begging for mercy as she was stripped and tied. swearing on her life that she doesn’t know anything. that she’s innocent#rambling incoherently right up until the first hit lands. after that it’s just screams and sobs and barely audible ‘I don’t know’s#all the while she’s yelled at by a man three times her age who refuses to believe that she truly doesn’t know anything#and she doesn’t. all she did was point Aiza in a direction. she has no proof she even went in it#I don’t want to get to graphic here but let’s just say I read an article on whipping and it’s.. it’s bad#the aftermath is brutal and bloody and passing out from the pain would be a mercy#and afterwards… I do think someone is called to tend to her so she doesn’t bleed to death before they can get a confession out of her#and that person is kind. if a little detached emotionally. and likely her back could have been salvaged if the whipping didn’t repeat#but it did. because they need her to confess. maybe the excruciating pain of reopened wounds will get her to talk…#it doesn’t. she never says anything. and after a while they move on from torture to locking her up and starving her#maybe that’ll finally break her. perhaps she’s still whipped occasionally even afterwards but for the most part she’s just left alone-#in some dark cell and questioned occasionally. it lasts anywhere from weeks to months and yet she never gives out the one detail she knows#because Aiza’s safety depends on it and she knows Aiza’s punishment will be much worse than hers if she’s caught#but anyway. enough of the bloody horror show. instead think about what it must’ve been like for her parents#the town is alight with scandal following the disappearance of Lady Aiza. you know a bit about her since your daughter works for her#you don’t hear from your daughter for a while. eventually someone tells you that she’s been convicted of helping Lady Aiza run away#she’s been under interrogation since. no one’s seen her but rumour has it they’re torturing her. there’s little you can do as a poor family#you request an audience with Lord Jusamah. it takes a long time to to be granted but eventually you’re before him begging for your daughter#apparently she’s proven to be a useless waste of resources so she’s released to you. you barely recognise her. AND I REACHED TAG LIMIT FML
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