#give myself time to settle and get in control.. but alas‚ she has not written seriously since. to this day it still flows out of me if

[kuromi-hoemie]

hhhh talking about my writing was fun but 30 tags is not enough.. yes i have 3 major influences but i have minor ones too.. it is a lovechild of my favorite things.. writing is so fun and i have no self control or a concept of pacing myself i will sit there for 16 hours and get hit with every status effect but by god does it all just flow out of me. I've always been a music person yes but i also used to write a lot into early adulthood until The Incident™

but i am ready 2 jump back into it. i think comics are a great middle ground between the two mediums so i don't get As into writing bc i kind of started going crazy last time 🫡 i can take a more structured approach to it that forces me to pace myself and think about it differently. i love art.... i love making things i love knowing how to do things i love knowing how to play things i love having so many creative outlets, even if i don't do a lot of them regularly lol. it is enriching 😳 and nice to know that it's always there to come back to when u want.

[cdarkheartzero]

Diary of a Security Guard

For the always wonderful Rissy @rissynicole who I promised this to for being just...amazing.

Prequel found here-

https://cdarkheartzara.tumblr.com/post/622506786343288833

Data log entry 6555

Been watching Zim battle his PAK for a few (days) now. It has been SO mentally exhausting just to see, let alone experience. But that determination to get his PAK legs working. Imma be honest, it’s downright inspiring seeing him spaz, spark and struggle just to get back up n’ try it again once he catches his breath.

He even got Skoodge trying to activate his- few of the other smeets too, actually. I can’t tell whether he knows it or not (he’s pretty oblivious to the world around him so I doubt it), but he has a lot of fans among the youngins. They might find him annoying (cuz let’s be honest here, he is) but he has this unique…. charm(?) to him. Little bastard just doesn’t know when ta quit.

I can see the stress and strain of his struggles are starting to get to him though. He just hasn’t been himself lately. Physically Exhausted. Less destructive (again- lemme be honest- I AM ALL FOR but under normal circumstances). Hasn’t been doing much eating or sleeping. He’s just so fixated on this that it’s basically taken over his entire life. Can’t tell you how many times I have found him in the incubation room the past few shifts, tryin’ so damn hard to stand on his legs he basically passes out.

The smeets should be sleeping now. It’s pretty late and I see all the other guards settling into their seats relaxin’. Now’s the time to piss around, the break we all deserve. Alas, I can’t get that little shit outta my head. The pain on his face. The dedication and exhaustion in his eyes. It’s been burned into my organic brain ever since I had to stun him the first time. I don’t think I have ever been that scared before. I thought… I thought I could have killed him. That he wouldn’t be there the next morning. That this little ball of chaos would be erased from my life. And it was worse than anything I coulda imagined.

I wanna do something for him. I know I shouldn’t. ‘Specially after all the shit he puts me through. And I really shouldn’t play favoritisms but I dunno. There is just something about Zim.

Now, don’t get me wrong. He drives me crazy. He’s a little demon spawn. A selfish little piece of shit. More than once have I seen him sacrifice a playmate to make a quick escape or use poor Skoodge as a flesh shield. His bomb gifts haunt me very soul- I swear I hear them ticking in the walls relentlessly, taunting me. But he brings me such a calming ease. It’s so weird. Like… I wanna ring his neck sometimes but just having his little body in my arms brings me such warmth. His voice makes me want to slam my face against a wall but I honestly can’t fathom it not being there. I just want to be there for him. And do everything in my power to make him as happy as I can.

What did he do to me?

Ugh. I’m pulling my lekku out at my desk. Think, Zara. Think. There’s gotta be something I can do. I’m mindlessly fumbling through my clutter, still rackin’ my brain around what to do next. Suddenly, a sweet scent fills the air and I realize I opened my candy drawer.

Hmmmm…. it’s not much but it’s the thought that counts.

I look over to Kira and tell her imma need to take 5. “Candy break?” She asks, watching me sneak a few pieces away. “Something like that” I reply.

Walking down the hallway to the smeetery felt like an eternity. What do I say? How will he respond? Lord, what if he wakes the other smeets and I gotta clear out my whole snack stash to not upset the others? What if he cries? If his PAK spazes out again, what if I have to shock him again? What if I fail my mission? What will the control brains do to me? what if… what if I have to kill him? How would I live with myself if I...hurt my smeet? Shit. I gotta stop doing that. He’s not MY smeet. He belongs to Irk. I’m just a guardian, nothing more. But… I never want him to leave my side. But he also has a job to do! For Irk! I hope he never becomes an invader. Keep him here, where it’s safe. Maybe the science division or something… hmmmmm.”

“Uhhh…” I hear next to me, a random voice sounding concerned. It breaks my concentration and I see another guard, head slightly tilted, staring at me. “You good, man?”

Oh! Seems I have been standing at the door for some time. I laughed. “Yeah. Sorry. Just got a lot on my mind.”

“It’s cool” she smiled “just don’t let the higher ups catch you wandering around aimlessly.”

“I appreciate it. Thanks!” I said waving as she went about her way. “Higher ups?” Yeah. Not a whole lot of fear there. Nothing can be worse than what we’ve already experienced.

The door opened, inviting me to the darkness of the smeetery. Was it always so cold in here? The only light shines from a few wires and screens on the walls but other than that, it’s pretty pitch black. A totally different feel to the liveliness of the early shift when spirits are high and bodies are active. Luckily, our vision is enhanced in our tubes, far before we go online so nighttime is never an issue for us.

I creep over to the nesting area, where all the little bodies are snoozing (or snoring in Skoodge’s case) and see those ruby eyes staring at the ceiling. I notice his antenna perk and he looks my direction, instantly making a face of aggression.

“What?”

That the hell kinda greeting is that? Little rude shit. I wanna smack him outside his little skull but I take a deep breath and calmly whisper. “Ain’t you supposed to be asleep?”

“That’s none of your business.”

“I’m your guard. It IS my business. Why ain’t you asleep?”

“I’m not tired.”

“Something bothering you?”

“No.”

I can see it written all over his face in glow in the dark paint. “Ah-ha. You really are a bad liar. Is it cuz your legs?”

“NO.” He turned to face away from me.

“Hey. Listen: you’re going to get it. I know you will.”

“But how come Tak could so easily? All mine do is attack me.”

“Just because she got it faster than you, that doesn’t make her better than you.”

“Zim never claimed it did.”

He’s hurt. His words and his feelings are battling against each other. Tak being able to activate her PAK legs without any difficulties was eating him alive but he would never admit it.

“Listen… Zim. It’s going to get easier. You just gotta keep at it. Small steps get you far in life.”

He shrugged, sitting up, curling into himself. “Zim wonders about that sometimes. Maybe… he isn’t meant to get it.”

There it is. “Of course you are.” I said, gently putting a hand on his shoulder. “I believe in you. You are going to find a way. You never give up. I don’t think you know how.”

He looked my way, eyes wide and glassy. SHIT. Imma make him cry!? I didn’t mean to!

“You… you do?”

Huh?

“Of course I believe in you, dummy. And I will be here every step of the way. I got you.” I said, grazing my thumb across his cheek. A smile took the place of that awful frown and his eyes lit. “Here. I got you a little something, but only if you try to get some sleep. You got a long day of training with your PAK and you need all the rest you can get. Oh, and don’t let anyone know I did this.” I said putting my finger to my lips.

I reached into a belt pocket and grabbed a wrapped hard candy. With two fingers I held it in front of him, he looked at it inquisitively. His grubby little hands reached for it and I let him grab it. He stared at it, slowly unwrapping it and Then glanced back at me. I guess he didn’t trust it.

“It’s not drugged or nuthin’. Just some sweets.”

Again, he stared at me.

“What?”

“Your accent is really weird.”

“Just eat the damn candy and shut up” I said, pushing the sweet into his mouth. He just huffed but suckled on.

“Now DON'T cause anymore problems and get some shut eye. I will see you bright n’ early.”

He just puffed his cheeks and rolled over. Think I handled that well. And maybe, hopefully tomorrow will be a better day for him.

Smiled and waved on my way out. Dunno if he saw me but it doesn’t hurt. Walked into the hallway, into dread. Leaned against the wall and slid down.

Us E.L.I.T.E.S can’t disobey orders from the Control brains but… I pray with everything I have in me that things stay like this forever. Cuz’ if i ever had my mission changed or if I had to hurt him… idunno what I would do.

Zara out

[horansqueenandpaynesqueen]

Next-Door Neighbours : Chapter Fifteen

A Liam Fanfic, A Niall Fanfic, MA Rating

New neighbours, new drama. Sometimes what you need is the last thing you’re looking for.

CHAPTER 1 || CHAPTER 2 || CHAPTER 3 || CHAPTER 4 || CHAPTER 5 || CHAPTER 6 || CHAPTER 7 || CHAPTER 8 || CHAPTER 9 || CHAPTER 10 || CHAPTER 11 || CHAPTER 12 || CHAPTER 13 || CHAPTER 14 || 

+NOTES+

1- This fic is written by Julie ( @paynesqueen​ ) & Livia ( @horansqueen​ ) 2- Julie will write the odd chapters and Livia the even chapters 3- This fic will have romance, drama and smut.

Chapter Fifteen by Julie (paynesqueen)

Julie sat on the stool as she watched Liam finally making them breakfast. It was nearly three in the afternoon though, but she was craving eggs and bacon ever since he mentioned he was going to cook something for them earlier. After the shower, they were heading to grab something to eat, but one kiss was all it took and they were back in bed. It had been a while since she had felt such need to touch and be touched by someone as much. She would lie if she said it wasn’t scaring her, but she wanted to go over her own fears and just enjoy what she and Liam were sharing.

He was only wearing briefs and she was really enjoying the view of his backside.

“I feel bad for not helping. Are you sure I can’t help with anything?”

“You just sit your cute butt on that stool and let me cook you breakfast.” He answered not even turning around to face her.

“I just feel useless right now.” She admitted. “Not that I’m any good in the kitchen, but I usually help around at least.”

“You are not useless. Dressed like that, you motivate me to make these faster so I can undress you once again you are done eating.” He argued as he continued to fill our plates with all the goodies

“Bold of you to assume that you just have to make me breakfast to get me naked.”

“No, I also count on my irresistible charm.” He grinned putting my plate in front of me. “Enjoy!”

“Thank you.” She took the first bite and softly moaned; “Okay, this is so good.”

“Keep making those noises and we’re going straight back to bed.”

She chuckled before taking another huge bite; “We have all the time to do this. If we’re always naked, I feel like it defeats the purpose of the point you have been working for.”

“And what point is that exactly?”

“That we should be dating. I’m all for the sex and all, but if you want us to be an actual couple, you need to show me something else than your incredible skills in bed.”

She saw the grin as he pulled her towards him; “Incredible huh? I’m glad to hear that.”

“Of course that’s all you heard in all of it.” She shook her head.

“It’s not all I heard honest but since neither of us is dressed to go out and frankly, I would prefer to keep you to myself for a few more days, what would you like to do?”

“Get to know each other better? Watch a movie all cuddled up on your couch. There are many options to choose from.” She exclaimed.

“Okay then why not ask the questions we have yet to answer about our past relationship or hookups?” Liam offered.

“Are you sure it’s a good idea to get on those on the very day we started ours?”

“Technically, we are on the second day.” He argued.

“Smartass.”

He chuckled softly; “But really, it’s a good thing to get out of the way, don’t you think? Plus we already covered our families, childhood and anything in-between while we were forced by you to not act on our mutual attraction. Come on, it won’t be that bad. I can even start. Ask away.”

“Fine.” She finally agreed. “With how many girls have you slept besides me?”

“Five. Two of them were random hook-ups and the other three were relationships. Now you.”

“You had random hook-ups?”She laughed. “Sorry, I just wasn’t expecting that from you.”

“I’m more of a relationship kind of guy is true, but in-between girlfriends, a guy has needs and sometimes one night stands can be good.” He replied. “Now stop stalling and tell me your score.”

“The truth is I don’t really know. I mean, I can tell you for sure four were from serious relationships, but my hook-ups, I don’t know. I can tell you that I’m in the double digits.”

“Double-digits is way too vague, Miss Cooper.”

“Fine, I guess it’s about 20 something.” She sighed pulling away. “Happy now?”

He pulled her back towards him; “I don’t care about how many guys you have slept with.”

“Is that true or are you going to bring that back to my face when we have our first fight?” She asked getting up. “Because let’s face it; we all care about who slept with who before us and saying that you don’t care implies that you are either lying and planning on using it at a later time or you simply don’t care about me as a whole. I may not be a relationship expert, but I’m not stupid.”

Okay, she might have been reaching; actually she knew for a fact that she was and she didn’t know where the need to start a fight came from. Truthfully, she knew where it came from. A fear from repeating past mistakes she was always scared that she was destined to redo.

She was about to apologize for her stupid and unnecessary outburst because she wanted this fight to be done and hopefully not to have to go deeper into that fear that has been driven her to forgo relationships when he got up at his turn.

“Okay, that’s far fetching don’t you think? I don’t care in the sense is that you don’t sleep with them anymore. You are with me so no, I don’t care if you slept with one, three or a million guys. Now if you asked me if I was jealous? That’s a totally different answer.”

“How’s that different?” She asked.

“Well, I don’t define our relationship based on how many people we have slept with in the past so that’s why I don’t care. But I am jealous of the guys who got to have you first. I’m jealous of the four guys that got a part of your heart before me and I’m also jealous of Louis.”

“Louis? Why?”

“He wasn’t your boyfriend, but he is your best friend with whom you slept for over six years. He means more to you than those other one-night stands.” He admitted. “And he’s still a big part of your life today. It’s always going to be hard not to get scared sometimes.”

She got closer to him and slithered her arms around his neck before kissing his lips softly. She had never truly believed that Liam would see Louis as competition. Especially knowing just how much Louis was head over heels for her sister.

“Liam, you’re the first guy who broke down all of my barriers. No, you didn’t only break them down; you fired up dynamite, threw it at them and they were fucking pulverised.” She admitted. “Honestly, if something was meant to happen with Louis, it would have already happened. Yes, Louis is a part of me because he’s not only my best friend; he’s been my anchor. He’s the first guy who saw through my bullshit, but it didn’t matter because it was never like this for us. We didn’t have that need to be a couple because we were never in love and never even got close to it. I can’t say he’s like a brother because that would be weird, but in some shape or form, I guess that’s what he came to be once we stopped sleeping together and he finally admitted to being in love with my sister.”

“The rational part of me knows it, but the fear is still there and if you ask me, my fear is far less far fetching than yours.”

“I know, Liam, and I am sorry to have gotten mad over this.” She sighed; “But you have to understand that as much as I want us to work, I have not overcome every little reason that stopped me from being in a relationship. I can’t promise that I won’t flip out from time to time, but I’ll try my best to not let this fear control me. Just know that it might take some time to get there.”

He kissed her at his turn making the butterflies in her stomach stir crazy. That man had a way to get her out of her comfort zone and he was probably not even aware of it.

“You’re worth it.”

“Yeah? Come back to me in a few weeks to see if you still believe that.” She chuckled.

“So we’re going to stop being stupid and try to just enjoy what we have?”

“Deal.” She smiled and he couldn’t help but think just how prettier she was whenever she smiled. He had no problem admitting it was corny, but he couldn’t help seeing it. He lowered his head towards her and kissed her forehead.

“Okay, let’s finish our breakfast or lunch or whatever you want to call it and we’ll go watch a movie all cuddled up on the couch.”

“Sounds like a plan.”

+++

After they ate and cleaned up the kitchen, they made their way to living room. As she sat down, he tried to choose the movie they were going to watch.

“How about Lord of the rings? It’s been a while since I watched it.”

“Sounds good to me. I love this movie and Orlando Bloom looks so good in it.”

“Oh yeah... Sometimes that’s all I can think about.”

She laughed softly; “Idiot. Just put it in.”

He looked up, a smirk on his face, as she rolled her eyes; “Get your mind out of the gutter, Payno.”

“Not my fault, you bring out that side of me.”

He looked at her and couldn’t help but to think about how much he wished he could make her forget about the movie. She was wearing his shirt and only that. Knowing she was naked underneath it was no helping to stop his imagination. Alas he promised her a movie night and he was going to deliver it. After he started the movie, he sat down next to her and simply pulled her to him and stretched his arm over her shoulders as her arm settled over his stomach.

About 30 minutes into the movie, he looked down at her just as she looked up and she leaned over to kiss him. He was more than happy to give in to her demand. She pulled away to grab the remote and pause the movie before kissing him again.

The kiss deepened and she quickly straddled him, their mouths connecting again. She knew that she was the one who asked to something else than sex, but she suddenly needed to feel him inside of her. She found herself grinding on him needing to quench her need.

“I thought we were supposed to watch a movie.” He said in-between kisses as his fingers wrapped themselves at the hem of her shirt before pulling it over her head.

“Changed my mind, but if you don’t shut up, I might change it back.”

“Wouldn’t dream about it.” He assured her.

She gasped when his lips found her nipple and sucked on it. She grabbed onto his hair as she kept on grinding over his thighs.

“God, you’re driving me crazy.” He said just before latching onto her other breast.

She loved how skilled he was with his mouth. The simple thought of where it was earlier in the afternoon got her so close to her release. His hands grabbed her bottoms and helped with the pace of her grinding.

“Oh f-” She came faster than she anticipated when they started this, but she was far from being done. She still needed him inside of her.

One of her hands came between them and reached inside his briefs. She stroked his hard member and he groaned against her breast.

“Fuck, I need to be inside of you. Not about to cum this way.”

Lifting her slightly, they succeeded to get rid of the piece of clothing that was complicating things and with no need to ask, his dick filled her. She moaned as she stretched around it, letting it sink further each time. As she was going up and down on him, his tongue licked every part of her skin it could find giving her more shivers than she thought she could handle. She could feel him so deep into her as he thrusted his hips upwards in fluid strokes. She was so damn close and she tried to take control of their pacing to accelerate her release.

“Fuck this.” He let out.

She didn’t get to ask what it was about before he lifted them from the couch and found themselves onto the floor, him over her.

“What the-”

He shut her up crashing his mouth on hers and he fastened his pace as he pound into her. She wanted to be annoyed that he took the control from her, but as he went deep and hard into her, she couldn’t think straight.

It didn’t take long after that to feel the waves of her orgasm build up and for a rare time of her life, she was pretty sure their neighbours heard her cuming. He followed not long after and as they try to regain their breath, he stood still over her, supported by his forearms.

“Why the change of position? Didn’t like not having control?” She asked him as she played with the strand of hair that was falling over his eye.

“Not the reason why.”

He looked kind of sheepish before he went on; “I just needed you closer. When you’re under me, I feel we make one.”

She wasn’t sure if he was actually being truthful or if he was joking, but she decided not to push it further; she liked to think that he meant it.

She pulled him closer and kissed him softly; “That’s kind of sweet, but now I’m going to have carpet burn on my ass because of that.”

“Sorry about that.” He laughed. “Tell you what, let’s head to the bedroom and to make you forgive me, I’m going to massage that sweet arse of yours.”

“Yeah like that’s not a code for getting laid again.”

“Do you really have something against me making you shudder with pleasure over and over again?”

He got on his knees and pulled her with him finding herself straddling him again. Her arms wrapped around his neck as he tried to get them up without breaking contact. It seemed easier said than done though and on his third attempt, she finally couldn’t hold her laughter in.

“Okay, I think we have established you have not mastered that ability.”

His annoyance was palpable and she pecked his lips before getting off him so he could get up. Once they were both up on their feet, Liam quickly lifted over his shoulder. She shrieked as he hustled her towards his bedroom.

“Put me down you caveman.”

He ignored her plea and smacked her bottoms just for good measure. She yelped in surprise when he threw her onto the bed and climbed over her.

“That doesn’t sound like I’m about to get a massage.”

“You’ll get one...” He lingered on the words. “But with you being naked on my bed, it’s giving me tons of other ideas.”

“So much for doing other stuff than sex tonight.” She laughed.

“You started it.” He reminded her.

“I know. I know.” He groaned. “I guess you’re kind of irresistible.”

“Don’t worry, love. We will do other things. We have all the time in the world to do them.” He promised her.

She smiled at him and leaned over for a kiss before he busied himself to make her cum once more.

[valkyriesryde]

He Consumes Me

Pairing: Loki x F!Reader

Summary: Thor said that Loki is gone, for good. She was beginning to finally accept that. No longer would he consume her thoughts or control her mind. No longer would he trick her.

Warnings: angst (?), fluff, Loki because that should be a warning in itself, thats it?

Word Count: 2,100ish

A/N: The prompt was supposed to be “Loki, look who it is!” but I changed it slightly. This is for Gab​ even though she asked for it a long time ago I'm sorry it took so long hun and also thank you for helping me with the ending lmao LOVE YOU...i think this is the most grammatically correct thing I've ever written

~~~

“You do not wish to marry me?” He stepped up beside her but his eyes don’t meet hers when she looks to her side. Loki’s eyes are cast over Asgard, admiring the beauty and the gold hue it shows as the sun sets before them. 

“It isn’t that I do not wish to marry you, I simply do not wish to marry.” She stands only a few feet apart from him. His hands clasped behind his back as he always does around her. “Especially when I am being forced.”

“Do not worry Dove,” it’s then that Loki turns to her and gives her a sly smile but there's a sadness in his eyes, “I’ll get us out of this. Your heart will be open to whoever you choose.”

“You’re still thinking about him. You mustn’t let him control you.” Valkyrie gave her a sad smile as they stood overlooking the port. Men and women worked through the day as the king and her friend went about their day overlooking the day to day life of New Asgard. 

“He doesn’t control me.”

“He consumes your thoughts. It’s been years, Thor said it himself. Loki is gone.” Valkyrie, though having never gotten along with the god of mischief, respected him and his sacrifice for her people. Y/N nodded her head pulled her coat tighter around her. 

Six years without Loki. Six years since she watched him die for Thor. Even longer since he refused to marry her. She’d mourned Loki too many times. For years she was convinced that he could never die as he had come back to her every time. Not to her. He’d never come back to her, he’d come back to Thor. Six years is a long time to refuse to mourn someone but Valkyrie was right, she had to accept what Thor had said. Loki was gone. 

“You’re right, I know. If you excuse me, I think I’ll turn in for the night. Good night my King,” she winked at Valkyrie who brushed her off and sent her on her way. 

~~~

The sun set behind Valkyrie as she stood on the cliff as she did most nights with her sword at her waist. 

“You’re like a cockroach.”

“I prefer a snake.” Loki stood beside his king, “where is Thor?” 

“He left, with the guardians...long story.” He nodded and took in the village below them, a small smile on his face as he thought about how much Asgard had been through and how far the people had come. They had accepted him but he feared they no longer would. “What took you so long this time? Cold feet again?”

“Again?”

“I’ve heard stories,” Valkyrie saw the light of her friend's home flicker on and pointed towards it. “You can stay there. Let yourself in.”

~~~

Y/N leaned against the counter sipping her tea, she turned off the light as she made her way back down the hallway. She caught a movement in the corner of her eye as she passed the foyer but that wasn’t uncommon. Valkyrie’s words played in her mind again as she thought she saw the familiar black hair you mustn’t let him control you. She continued down the hall, ignoring the footsteps she thought she heard moving towards the kitchen. 

“Just the wind,” she whispered to herself. A clinking of dishware sounded through the silence and Y/N froze, that couldn’t be her imagination. 

Loki brought down a mug from the cabinet, he cursed himself as they knocked against each other. Trying to be as quiet as possible Loki moved around the kitchen making himself a cup of tea as the kettle was still hot. Until his movement halted as he felt a sharp object pressed into his back. 

“Who are you?” 

“Evening Dove.” The dagger dug deeper into his spine as he held his hands up in surrender.

“Who are you?” Her voice cut through him. Her eyes stung, this was one last attempt from her mind to let him control her. She would not let it. She was sick of him consuming her if she had to kill him finally then so be it. 

“I know it’s been some years,” he turned around and both their breaths hitched in their throats. “But you don’t recognize me?” She was more beautiful than he remembered, only aging slightly but it just added to her beauty. 

“Loki is dead so reveal who you really are.” the dagger twisted in her hands and she stabbed it down towards his chest. Loki caught her wrist before the short sword hit his chest. 

“You still wear your ring?” He examined her left hand as he lifted it closer. His eyes were soft as he saw the green emerald and gold band, simple but elegant, around her finger.

“As long as you’re still alive I’m still your fiance.” Her voice was quiet for a moment before Y/N jerked her arm back in an attempt to get Loki to let go, he does not consume me. “You are dead now though.”

“Yet you still wear the ring,” his fingers shifted against her skin and a gold snake wrapped itself around her wrist and up her forearm slightly until it settled and stiffened. “I preferred your bracelet.”

“Loki,” the dagger dropped from her hand and she stepped back from his touch as he dropped her wrist. He was here in front of her and she didn’t know if she wanted to hug him or hurt him. “Thor said -” she sobbed into her hands, “I MOURNED YOU! I AM SICK OF MOURNING YOU. I WATCHED YOU DIE FOR HIM!” she yelled at him and he let her. Loki let her yell and scream and when she ran at him to hit him he let her. 

He deserved it, he deserved her anger. He left her when he was promised to her. He left her because he didn’t believe she wanted him. He didn’t deserve her kindness, her friendship, or her hand in marriage. 

“Valkyrie will not allow you here.”

“Valkyrie is the reason I’m here,” his voice was quiet like it always was with her, like everything he told her was only for her to hear.

“You don’t even come back for me, forget the fact I was or am your fiance. We were friends and you don’t even come back for me. You may be welcome in this village but you are not welcome in my home.” She turned and walked out of the kitchen and into her room, slamming the door behind her. 

Loki washed the mug he had filled and put it back in the cabinet before walking out of the small house and sitting on the steps. He leaned against the door frame and closed his eyes listening to her move in her room and feeling the dark surround him as she turned off the light.

~~~

“Loki,” Valkyrie kicked Loki’s leg until he awoke on the steps. 

“My King,” he rubbed at his eyes and over his face as he looked up at her shaking her head at him.

“Has she come out?” 

“Not that I’m aware,” he peered over his shoulder towards her window, the curtains still drawn. His face remained neutral but his heart dropped.

“When she does tell her she’s not needed today will you?” Valkyrie gave him no time to answer before she walked away and left Loki on the steps. He looked up at the door and felt the wood under his fingers.

She held the warm towel to her face and then looked in the mirror. Her ring sat on the bedside table in her bedroom but the bracelet still locked itself around her wrist. She couldn’t bring it in herself to take it off before she had gone to bed or again when she got dressed in the morning.

His fingers lightly traced down from her shoulder, past her elbow and as they brushed over her forearm a gold tail followed it with the head of the snake curling around her wrist.

“I had no choice in the ring on your finger. But if we must marry, I want to give you my own symbol of a promise.” 

“I will not tolerate this.” She refused to let him consume her thoughts as he’d done all this time. She threw on a jacket and swung the door open, almost tripping over Loki on the steps. “I told you you’re not welcome here Trickster.”

“Ahh but you said I’m not welcome in your home. Alas, I’m not in it just outside of it,” he held his hands out and smiled at her but it quickly faded when she showed no sign of amusement. “Valkyrie says you’re not needed today.”

“Well,” she stepped back up the stairs and opened the door, “I won’t go out then.”

~~~

“Still not letting you in?” Loki smiled at Valkyrie and tipped his head to the sides shrugging his shoulders. The king knocked at the door and Loki waited behind her.

“Valkyrie, look who it is!” Y/N smiled at her and nodded to the man behind her. “Loki is back for you.” She deadpanned and walked deeper into the house, leaving the door open for Valkyrie to follow. 

“I’M NOT HERE FOR HER,” Loki yelled after her. He was sick of being left outside like a cat. He stalked into the house and slammed the front door behind him. “Would you let me explain myself?!” He said storming further into the lounge to find her standing there waiting for him and Valkyrie nowhere in sight. 

“Explain yourself.”

“You’re still wearing your bracelet,” he slowly stepped towards her and held out his hands for her to take.

“It is mine,” she shrugged. Loki held her hands to his lips, those words dripped through the air and against him. You are mine, he wanted her to tell him, I am yours, it meant. 

“You mourned for me?” Her hands held moved from his lips to his cheeks, her fingers brushed against his jaw. 

“Every time. You’re not explaining yourself.”

“You’re right I’m not,” she pushed his chest and folded her arms, waiting for some sort of explanation to come from the trickster’s mouth. “Firstly I need to apologize to you. You didn’t want to marry me, leaving was the only option to make you happy. For all the other times I died or disappeared, I apologize for them too. I was - am selfish. When you weren’t there when I was Odin I thought you had moved on but then -”

“I was still there. I was in the mountains but I was always there.”

Loki uncrossed her arms and took her hands in his once again. He blinked back the feelings of guilt that spread through him. “I had to make sure it was safe before I returned, that’s why I took so long. You have to believe me.”

“Why come back, Trickster? Thor has left.” Loki smiled at the nickname, he twisted the threat of her scarf in his fingers and licked his lips.

“For you my dove,” he kept his eyes on his fingers that twisted the thread, he watched her left hand held his wrist and palm as she stepped closer to him and he looked up.

“Trickster if -”

“No tricks, not now, not ever with you. I’ve always been honest with you you know that. I love you deeply dove. I wish I had had the courage to ask for your hand myself all those years ago but here we are. I’m here and I plan to stay but only if you allow me.” His eyes pleaded with her, his voice wavered as he begged and confessed his love to her. 

She answered in a way he never imagined she would. All his years knowing her she had never been outspoken, never crossed a line or broken a rule. He’d always admired and respected her for that. So when she grabbed the collar of his coat, pulling him down towards her and pressing her lips to his Loki was shocked initially. Until her hand held his jaw and his hands found her waist, the shock subsided and instead, he was lost in her. 

She controlled his every sense, the feel on her close against him under his touch, the smell of her perfume and simply her surrounding him, the taste of her as he kissed her, the sound of her hum as they pulled away, the sight of her timid and nervous against him but a small smile creeping onto her face. She consumed his thoughts as she had for so many years and as she would for so many more and he smiled. Loki, the god of mayhem and mischief beamed at his dove. 

“I never said I didn’t want to marry you. Loki you leaving me will never make me happy. I love you with all that I have. You devour my thoughts until all that’s left is you,” he kissed her himself then. Short but sweet, tender but passionate. “I love you Trickster.” 

“I shall never leave you again then.”

~~~

Thank you for reading and I hope you enjoyed it! 

Permanent Taglist (OPEN): @witch-of-letters​ @tonystankschild​ @morsmordrethings​ @buckysdumbmetalarm​ @marvelsangels​ @momobaby227​ @weirdlyokaywithit​ @disgustangg​ @bucky-blogs​ @sebbbystaaan​ @geeksareunique​

[eclectic-aussie]

Things I Want in the Final Season of the 100 That Wont Happen

Well the roller-coaster that is the 100 is coming into its final season which leaves me very sad that one of favourite shows in ending, but also curious about the things that will be wrapped up and the things that will be glossed over now that it’s coming to an end. Then I thought to myself; ‘What things do I really want to see before it ends and how likely are they to happen?’ So, here are just a few to start off with, with probably more to be written about later as the promo stuff comes out probably in 2020:

 1.The most obvious thing I WANT: Bellarke to happen and be endgame. Shocked? Why, it’s obvious I’m a Bellarke shipper, what are you nuts?! Yes, I really hope that they have Bellamy Blake and Clarke Griffin to finally be able to be together after the 131 years its been teased. I cannot tell you how much I love these two, so I wont go into everything, but if they just built up these two and their relationship and support and love for each other just to slap them with a ‘Platonic’ label in the end…there will be no end to how pissed I will be for their waste of one of my favourite tv/movie couples ever. If the show doesn’t end with Bellamy, Clarke and Madi as a family with Bellarke being co-leaders as voted by Wonkru (if possibly not Spacekru) and possibly also having a few little Griffin-Blake bubs to be acknowledged ala the end of the original Charmed, then they have done a huge disservice to their fan-base and I probably wont trust anything they (a certain someone in particular) again since they’ve teased and recanted so many times, it’s just ridiculous at this point.

 2.I want Wonkru to vote for their new leader, and I want that leader to be Clarke. They revered Wanheda for taking down the Mountain when their own Heda made deals with the monsters who used her people as disposable blood bags for 40ish years. Clarke went into the City of Light and shut it down, finding out about the 2nd end of the world in the process which is the only reason any of them survived it. SHE survived Praimfaya and even managed to find Madi, the last Nightblood, and raised her on her own. She may have betrayed Bellamy and took Madi to the Valley and sided with McCreary (which to be fair was her only option other than DEATH at the time) but she was also the only reason Raven didn’t bomb Wonkru and Spacekru to save herself and Shaw and overthrew and killed McCreary. Add to that now that Clarke survived a procedure no-one else had in 250+ years, she fought against an immortal ‘God’ and won back control over her own body, fooled the other ‘Gods’ into thinking she was one of them, stopped them from wiping the minds of everyone still in Cryo, helped Madi take control from Sheidheda and got rid of the mind-wiping serum and about half of the Primes in the process and…I’m going to say Wanheda had probably never looked so fierce and badass before and that’s saying something.

Grounders respect strength, but I think they (Indra and Gaia especially) also realise that it’s not just strength they’ll need on the new world, it’s compassion and Clarke has consistently had that in spades. Don’t agree? Then rewatch the series and note down the people who have betrayed/mistreated/more or less spat in Clarke’s face that she’s not only forgiven but also usually turned into allies, I’ll wait. Hold on, no I wont it would take too long. Anyway, even when her own people use her as their verbal punching bag (repeatedly. Looking at you Raven) she rarely retaliated or lashed out back, usually just getting a pained look before shrugging it off and moving forward. I want Wonkru to want Clarke as their leader…and I want her to say no at first. I want her to have to be talked into it, not because she doesn’t want to help etc but because at this point she’s just bloody tried and grieving and probably just wants to take a breath! Add to that she probably doesn’t think she’s the kind of leader they want/need when not in war. I want Indra, Gaia and Miller to include her in meeting about what to do next, to ask and value her input/suggestions while giving their own. I want them to be sneaky, and kind of ease her into the position when she’s just thinking their having a general discussion. I want Clarke to try and push Bellamy as their leader, and end up having them be co-leaders because of course they are. Add to that, I don’t want Spacekru to be a part of these discussions at first, maybe only being treated like workers instead of key decision makers.

 3.Tied to the above, I want Spacekru to have the rug pulled out from under them. Now don’t get me wrong, as a whole I really like most of the members of Spacekru, but their continued “we’re better than everyone else” schtick grated my nerves all season 6. Their actions in season 5 are just as responsible for McCreary destroying the Earth as anyone else’s, they were the ones to put him in charge in the first place for crying out loud!, but they don’t hold themselves at all accountable, instead heaping all the blame on the easy target: Clarke. Was Clarke blameless for what happened in season 5? Hell no! But Spacekru acting like they had no part in it and using Clarke as their verbal punching bag (again) for a good chunk of season 6 was bull. Add to that, that 5 out of 8 of them have tried to kill Clarke in the last 3 weeks (ok, Emori would have been counted as a half but she did kind of applaud Murphy helping Clarke’s murderers as ‘the survivors move’ and only told Bellamy about Clarke being alive because of her loyalty to him/Spacekru not because she actually cared about Clarke really so…yep. Oh and since Raven watching and doing nothing to stop Echo kill Clarke would make her an accessory in most legal systems I’m counting her just as culpable and guilty of Echo almost killing Clarke) them being aghast at the Primes for doing the same is pretty funny (except Bellamy, poor lamb).

So, yes, now that Wonkru (especially Indra, our droll queen of not taking any bullshit!) is in Sanctum too I kind of want Spacekru to puff themselves up, thinking they’re awesome for ‘handling’ the Prime problem and then…I don’t know, be put on trial for their actions against Wanheda and Madi? Before the ranting and raving begins, just hear me out (and take note that I’m already writing a fanfic where this happens): say what you want about Wonkru and the Grounders, they’ve always had a hell of a lot more gratitude and respect for Clarke/Wanheda than her own people have, as stated in point 2. Add to that, that Gaia and Miller witnessed for themselves that Spacekru’s actions largely made the situation worse, again, and Murphy and Raven telling Russell about the bone-marrow solution to save themselves from being burned alive (thanks, Echo), putting Madi in a huge amount of danger in the process. I want the prisoners to kind of get in on it too, a bit. I want them to tell Wonkru about Spacekru’s actions in the Valley and how they pretty much tripped ass backwards into putting McCreary in charge and undermining everything Bellamy and Clarke were trying to do to bring about a truce at the time. I also want (and this is going to set SO MANY people off!!) the prisoners to tell Indra about what they overheard on the radio on the night before the world burned. I want them to tell Indra and the others about how close Clarke came to being murdered to ‘avenge Bellamy’ and that it was Madi that stopped Echo from killing Clarke, while Raven and Shaw stood back and did nothing. I want it to come out that even after Echo tried to kill her, Clarke protected her from McCreary killing her, TWICE, for the man Echo would have killed her to avenge even though Clarke though he was dead. I want all this information to come out at ‘trial’, maybe even have a recording of the radio in Clarke’s pocket as proof and Emori, Murphy and Bellamy to find out right before they’re led away to wait for deliberation. I want Bellamy to fight between using his heart and his head as his view of his family is rocked with the new information as he puzzles out which version of them was on the Ring: who they were or who they needed to be to survive, and whether he could trust them off the Ring. Dun Dun DUNNN!!

 4.I want Becho to break-up (obviously, see point 1) but I want it to come after a few things are revealed. Look, as a character I don’t have anything against Echo on the whole but she is a character where we’re told one thing: that she’s changed on the Ring and is a ‘good guy’ now, and (in my opinion) we’re shown another: she still betrays her allies to further her own goals (turning in Shaw against Raven’s wishes, baiting and belittling, and eventually killing, Ryder), still goes behind her leaders back and goes too far to try and get them what they want by means they’d never agree to (going undercover in the Conclave to cheat which got her banished by Roan, trying to kill Clarke in front of Madi to ‘avenge’ Bellamy). I mean she herself pretty much said that she hasn’t changed when she stabbed and killed an unarmed, outnumbered Ryker while stating “Hesitation is death.” Which was Nia’s creed which Echo is seen once again embracing. The only time she even attempts to be ‘the good guy’ is in front of Bellamy, and even then her first response is usually ‘we need to fight our way out’ to pretty much every situation. I know a lot of people say that they think that Echo will realise Bellamy is still in love with Clarke and graciously step aside, but honestly that seems a bit out of character. Echo has pined for Bellamy since before Praimfaya and when you factor in her possibly feeling like her place in their family being threatened if she’s no longer Bellamy’s girlfriend I can’t really see Echo giving up without a fight. I want Bellamy to really try and figure out who and what he wants and fight for it, but still let Echo down easy and reassuring her that she’s still family. And then a little bit of time to let things settle and mourn what they had even if it ends somewhat amicably (Spacekru will probably be pissed).

 5.Now onto something lighter: I want more Bellamy and Madi bonding! Let’s be honest here, Bellamy has been a papa-bear since season 1 (which was why it really threw me when he was so ready and willing to turn Madi into a child soldier with the Flame, but moving on) and I really want to see Bellamy and Madi to spend time together; Madi telling Bellamy stories about her and Clarke’s time in the Valley and wanting to hear Bellamy’s stories about his and Clarke’s time together before Praimfaya. I want Madi to tell Bellamy that he and Octavia were routinely the heroes of Clarke’s stories and for him to be shocked (and a little saddened) that Clarke didn’t see herself as a hero. I want Madi to be kind of enamoured with him, since he was pretty much the only one (besides Monty and Harper) who lived up to the stories Clarke told her growing up and because he risked everything to save Clarke. I want Bellamy to kind of embrace his unofficial role as father-figure, telling her stories of mythology and history, spending time with her while her bone-marrow grows back and she’s in isolation. Controversial: (like this whole thing isn’t that already) I want there to be a point where it gets to be too much and Madi loses it. Where her almost losing Clarke, and fighting Sheidheda in her head and being tied down and having her bone marrow take without her consent to catch-up with her and she just breaks down and sobs her heart out. And I don’t want Clarke to be there to comfort her. I want Bellamy to be there and help her through it; telling her it’s ok to still feel the pain of the almost loss and that it’s ok to not always be strong for Clarke’s sake so she doesn’t worry. I want Bellamy and Madi to sit together as they grieve the horrible almost that would have taken Clarke from them. Oh, and I want her to teach him to spear fish.

 6. Now this, I know is DEFINITELY not going to happen: I want Murphy and Raven to have to earn Clarke’s forgiveness/friendship. Say what you will about Clarke’s actions in season 5, both Murphy and Raven would be dead dozens of times over throughout the series if it wasn’t for Clarke. Hell, Bellamy almost killed Murphy at least 3 times at the Dropship in season 1 and was only stopped by Clarke’s intervention. Like I said, say what you will but Murphy actively helped Josephine to not only try to stop Spacekru/Wonkru (though mainly Bellamy, lets be honest) from retaliating for Clarke’s murder by the Primes, he would have helped Josephine erase Clarke from her own damn head if Emori hadn’t gone behind his back and told Bellamy about it. And Raven? Raven stood back and did nothing to stop Echo from trying to kill her in front of Madi, because she thought she was justified and then played the victim when Clarke had an actual plan and didn’t just lay down and die like they planned. She told Clarke the only difference between her and Blodreigna was Blodreigna didn’t pretend to feel bad about the things she’d done. Raven and Murphy were the main ones (but not the only ones) who more or less called Clarke a monster and treated her like she was nothing. They were the ones who told Russell about the Nighblood solution being made from bone-marrow (even after Raven watched Kane kill himself, taking the safer-to-make Nightblood solution with him so the Primes couldn’t create more Nightbloods) and Raven talked Abby into taking the marrow from Madi. In general we got a lot of Clarke bashing from Murphy and Raven this past season and even though I KNOW they’ll just have Clarke overlook them mistreating her because that’s what she does, I really wish that they’d have Murphy and Raven show some self-awareness and pull their heads out of their arses and actually make an effort towards Clarke for once, instead of only showing any care, friendship or compassion towards her when they need her to make another impossible decision, if then.

 7.Fluff alert: I want Bellamy to be a bit nervous about Clarke finding out about the deal he made with the Primes. I want him to tear himself up a bit with the guilt of not telling her, maybe made worse by Murphy ‘teasing’ him about it, before caving and admitting it to Clarke, ashamed that he made a deal with her murderers to overlook her death for resources and help. I want her to grab his hand of some kind of physical contact before she tells him she knew all about it. I want him to be shocked and appalled that she didn’t seem upset and that she should hate him. I want her to smile at him, and tell him she had been upset at first, but could never hate him for that. That she had been proud of him, just like she was after Praimfaya. I want fluffiness, tears and forgiveness!!!

 8.Octavia? Yeah, she’s not dead.

 9.I swear to GOD if they make Jordan another Jasper, there will be riots in the bloody streets, you hear me?! RIOTS!!

 That’s all I can think of from the top of my head but before anyone asks; yes, a few of these are very specific because I’ve already written scenes that cover all of these that I will be incorporating into my season 7 spec fic of ‘things that will probably never happen’ that I’ll put on AO3 and FF.net at some point in the coming months.

If you don’t agree with something I’ve written above, then that’s all well and good and you’re entitled to your opinion as much as I am. However, please refrain from spewing hate into my inbox because…well I honestly don’t care if you agree with me or not. This is simply my OPINION of what I’D like to see, that I’ve stated multiple times that I honestly don’t hold out hope on the whole that any (besides number 1, 8 and 9) will end up happening.

[klcthebookworm]

FanFic Friday: Mission on Mimban 3 of 12

Previous Installments

Introduction, One, Two,

What Happens in the Chapter

Luke and Leia find an open tavern, tell the droids to go hide, and they enter to buy some real food with the miners coming off shift. They get through ordering a meal without alerting officialdom. The popular form of entertainment in this tavern is kicking the native sentients around, who are addicted to a liquor and will debase themselves to get any of it. Luke and Leia don't cause a scene with stopping this entertainment.

The waiter realizes Leia's not a miner by her delicate hands, which is kind of impressive, and tells an Imperial civil servant, which makes me wonder if there's a standard credit bounty for turning in suspicious people. Leia starts to panic and leave and Luke slaps her across the face. Leia sits back down and stays quiet as Luke tells the Imperial that he bought Leia and she's his servant. The Imperial believes this story and leaves them alone. Leia, now furious with Luke, tries to leave again but is stopped by an old woman who introduces herself as Halla.

Halla very shrewdly has their number, recognizing that they are strangers to the human population of Mimban and Luke's strength in the Force. Luke senses that Halla has the Force, but Halla claims to be a master. She works hard to move a spice shaker on the table. She offers to help them if they help her, and makes them admit how they crashed on the planet. They establish Luke and Leia's price is stealing a ship so they can leave. She warns them about Grammel, the Imperial in charge of the Mimban mining. Halla wants their help to find the Kaiburr crystal. As proof that the crystal is real, she shows them "a splinter of something that looked like red glass and glowed softly. The color was deeper, richer than red corundum. It had a vitreous luster resembling crystallized honey." When Luke touches the fragment, he experiences an increase in his perception of the Force. "It magnifies and clarifies... in proportion to its size and density, I think."

Luke agrees with Halla that the Kaiburr crystal must be kept out of Imperial hands, and Leia finally agrees to the expedition. They settle the bill and leave the tavern with no more attention paid to them. Then Leia kicks Luke in the shins outside and he lands in a ditch next to the walkway. Luke pulls her into the mud and they start wrestling.

Halla was watching, amused, until several large me came out of the tavern behind her. They paused, their attention also drawn by the wrestling match in the mud. They were all just drunk enough to be dangerous and the longer they watched, the quieter they became.

Much too quiet to suit Halla...

And that's where this chapter ends.

What I Liked

The miasma of narcotic incense and other smokes nearly asphyxiated Luke, and he had to struggle not to cough.

"What's wrong?" The Princess looked worried, though unaffected by the decadent atmosphere. "People are looking at you."

What kind of dive bars has Leia been hanging out in since she's unaffected by the deathsticks and et cetera being burnt in here? But I do appreciate it that it's not the dainty female hacking her lungs out.

Halla is a Force user, granted very weak and untrained. But given how angry Leia is at Luke just then (about to storm off again), I think Halla uses the Force on Leia when she's introduced.

"Hey honey... you okay?" a new voice inquired. Luke looked at the old woman who'd appeared next to the Princess. Placing a firm hand on the Princess' shoulder, she exerted a gentle but unyielding pressure. Still slightly stunned, the Princess sat down slowly.

Luke wouldn't know what to look for in this situation with his complete lack of training, but what else could defuse Leia that quickly?

What I Found Problematic

How the leads react to Mimbanites' abuse that happens right in front of them does bother me. Example One:

The big miner met this pitiful request by putting out a broad foot and kicking the native in the face. Luke winced and looked away. The Princess glanced at him.

"What's wrong, Luke?"

"I can't stand to see anything abused like that," he muttered, "human or animal or alien." He faced her curiously."How can you watch it?"

"I saw my whole world, several million people, destroyed," she responded with chilling matter-of-factness. "Nothing mankind does surprises me anymore, except that anyone could still be surprised by it." She turned her clinical gaze back to the scene at the bar.

Example Two:

Without further prompting the native dropped on its belly. An unexpectedly long, snake-like tongue darted out and began to lick the grime and mud from the man's boots.

"I'm going to be sick," Luke whispered, barely audible. The Princess merely shrugged.

"We have our devils and our angels, Luke. You have to be ready for both."

Wow, how callous can you make Leia sound? This is the same woman who befriended the Ewoks later? This is the same woman who championed alien rights in the Imperial Senate earning the nickname ‘Little Miss Inalienable Rights’? This abuse is making Luke empathically ill, but it should make Leia livid and put her on a quest to find the Mimbanites' hierarchy and pull them into the Rebellion against the Empire. She doesn't even come up with it as an option for Luke to shoot down. She doesn't even mention it as something else to tell the underground about what's happening on Mimban. Granted in the middle of the tavern is not the place to mention your allegiances, but it comes off callous instead of pragmatic.

The slap heard through the tavern; Jake Skywalker has taken Luke's place again. This whole set-up is an infuriating display of 1970's condonation of domestic violence against women. You have a woman of course you have to slap her to keep her in line, as Luke point blank says to the Imperial at the end. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's take the scene in order. The waiter, Elarles (new contender for the worst GFFA name) notices Leia's delicate hands and scurries to tattle. Leia points out the tattling to Luke.

"They do suspect!" she whispered tightly. She started to stand. "I've had enough, Luke. Let's get out of here."

"We can't rush off, especially if we're being watched," he countered. "Don't panic, Princess."

"I said I'm leaving, Luke." Nervous, she started to turn and leave.

First, I don't have a problem with the suspicious waiter turning them in and the Imperial scoping out the situation. Being found out is a standard complication for infiltrating a group. But who the hell is this woman freaking out and ready to run away? This is not Princess Leia Organa who lied to Darth Vader's mask maintaining her cover story. It didn't matter Vader had already pierced the cover story, but she sure the hell kept to it. Okay, these two haven't stopped and considered their cover story, but I expected whispering that we need a cover story not this that draws more attention to them.

Without realizing what he was doing, he reached out, slapped her hard across the face, and as heads turned in their direction said loudly, "No favors for you until I'm finished eating!"

One hand went to her burning cheek. Wide-eyed and voiceless, the Princess slowly sat back down. Luke frantically attacked his steak as the uniformed Imperial sauntered over to them, backed by the attendant at a discreet distance.

The only way this violence is justifiable from the HERO of the whole saga and protagonist of this novel is by agreeing that when women get emotional they deserved to be hit. I hope that Foster outgrew this misogynistic mindset by the time he was given the Force Awakens novelization. I think it's reprehensible and nothing Luke Skywalker as we know him would do. So he will not be hitting Mara to get out of this jam.

He thought furiously. "No, she's... uh, I bought her." Leia twitched, stared at him a moment before returning resolutely to her food. "Yes, she's a servant of mine. Spent all my earnings on her." He tried to sound indifferent, shrugged as he returned to his eating. "She's not much, of course." Her shoulders shook. "But she was the best I could afford. And she's kind of amusing to have around, though she tends to get out of line at times and I have to slap her down."

The bureaucrat nodded understandingly, smiled for the first time. "I sympathize, young man. Sorry to interrupt your meal."

I have made the argument that Luke is way more devious than the fandom gives him credit for, but this cover story doesn't make anybody look good. First the author because it looks like "servant" is just replacing "slave" without changing anything that makes slavery in this objectionable. There are other options for the cover story that could explain Leia's hands without using slavery. Second George Lucas because wow, you just couldn't wait to associate Leia with slavery. Third Luke Skywalker for not having any internal repugnance for owning people while selling the cover story. And no, I'm not basing that on the changes made to the Skywalker family history after this story was published; decent people should be horrified about owning people!

Alas this story was written before Leia was given Force sensitivity because Halla refuses to let her touch the fragment. "Touching it would prove nothing to you."

The mud wrestling: what are you IDIOTS DOING?! You are stuck on an Imperial-controlled planet and you both are wanted by the Empire with bounties. You have no fake identities beyond the miner outfits and just what credits Luke has left. So you do the stupidest, most childish thing you can think of? Both of these characters should be smarter than this. So Foster just wants to create a situation so these miners are a threat in the next chapter. That can happen without adolescent mud wrestling.

What Changes in My Fic

Mimbanites' abuse mini-scene is an opportunity to display some growth from Mara. Since she was raised on Coruscant in the Imperial Palace, the only contact she has had with aliens are the ones who have been subjugated as slaves or the ones trying to survive in the ghettoes created on Coruscant. Humans abuse aliens when they can is all she has seen. The equality in the Rebel Alliance ranks is a cultural shock she is soldiering through in her endearing Mara way (which probably isn't helping her reputation any), but Luke's reaction to the abuse puts her perspective in a different light. Actually that may be the best way to sum up their relationship. It gives Luke's empathy something to play off without making Mara callous, like the scene currently does with Leia.

Luke and Mara's cover story won't involve slavery.

Threatening miners will be threatening without being titillated by a mud-covered Leia.

We now have more scenes to fill out the plot events for the first act. Helping Writers Become Authors further explains this breakdown.

Hook 1% mark = Crashing onto Mimban

Set-up 1% - 12%

Inciting Event 12% mark = Finding the Imperial mining outpost

Build-up 12% - 25%

1st Plot Point 25% mark = Luke and Leia agree to find the Kaiburr crystal with Halla

[reactingtosomething]

Reacting to The Good Place: “Dance Dance Resolution”

Eleanor’s Moral Continuity

The Setup: Find our reaction to the season 2 premiere of The Good Place here.

SPOILERS for episode 203 below!

KRIS: 

Well, that escalated quickly. (Said the guy who’s never seen Anchorman.) In The Good Place’s Chapter 16 — written by noted pun enthusiast Megan Amram (also on Tumblr) and directed by executive producer Drew Goddard (a Lost alum and excellent writer in his own right, who ran the first half of the first season of Daredevil and wrote the screen adaptation of The Martian) — Adam’s prediction about an alliance proves largely correct, Liz’s and my theory that Eleanor was actually retaining her ethical/spiritual growth proves (sadly) incorrect, and Eleanor and Chidi are confirmed as soulmates, even if Michael didn’t know it. PLUS: the returns of lava demon Todd, the Medium Place, and — thank you, universe — Janet’s reset button!

“Is that possible, Janet? Can you just chill out a little?”

“Dance Dance Resolution” goes Groundhog Day (I haven’t seen that, either, but I have seen the terrific Edge of Tomorrow) with an accelerated/abbreviated chronicling of Michael’s hundreds of attempts to engineer a perpetual torture machine that Eleanor won’t far-too-quickly outsmart. He hits rock bottom when the epically stupid Jason solves it first (“Yeah, this one hurts”). Eventually, when all the other demons go on strike and Vicky (f.k.a. Real Eleanor) brings him a list of their demands, Michael finds himself reduced to seeking advice from a man who died because he locked himself in a safe and thought he could still breathe because he brought a snorkel.

Meanwhile, in what might actually be the episode’s B-story (how did the rest of you read it?), Eleanor and Chidi overhear the truth from some of the striking demons on a smoke break, and flee to the Medium Place, where Mindy St. Claire is really tired of Eleanor and Janet showing up on her doorstep with various combinations of the other doomed souls. We get good gags out of Mindy being the only one who remembers any of the 14 previous visits, and hear a few of Eleanor and Co.’s failed plans to outmaneuver Michael. But this episode’s emotional power comes from Mindy’s revelation that Eleanor and Chidi have not only slept together several times, but once even confessed their love to each other. (“It’s like anti-porn.”) Shaken, Eleanor — who has just been really mean to Chidi, even for her — rallies the team for the 700-somethingth time (we see some versions where Michael gives up after just a few seconds) and delivers an ultimatum to Michael… but thanks to that aforementioned advice from Jason, he’s (still) one step ahead of them. He wants to team up. This seems to mean that Tiya Sircar’s Vicky has just become our season villain, which is a pretty glorious reversal of the dynamic she originally had with “Fake Eleanor.”

Surprising no one, I’m now even more invested in learning more about Janet, who is clearly so essential to the operation of afterlife neighborhoods that even through 801 resets Michael could never fully control her. (Does this mean that in “Tahani Al-Jamil,” Janet’s wild personality swings were also to some degree unintentional? I’d love that. They weren’t essential to making Chidi despair over the awfulness of his book and pushing him out of his comfort zone.)

Anyone have hopes, fears, favorite moments (I think I can guess one of Liz’s), or a lead on some coke for poor Mindy St. Claire? As a former fledgling Nietzsche scholar, I’m pretty happy that William Jackson Harper delivers what I’m convinced is only the third or fourth time an American TV show has correctly pronounced “Nietzsche.”

Click through for sports analogies from Adam, a philosophy digression from Kris, and a quality Twitter recommendation from Miri:

MIRI:

Well I’m officially done trying to predict The Good Place. (This is a lie, and I’m not even sorry. Feel free to mock me for how wrong I am in future.) We knew they would twist us again soon, but not this big this quickly. Damn, Schur & co. Just damn.

I have questions about Janet’s level of self-awareness. Or I guess accumulation/memory of previous resets? Her conversation with Michael as he’s about to reset her suggests she knows somewhat what has happened in the past. That may be due to him explaining it to her over the course of that attempt, but I’m not sure. Does Janet have the capacity to retain change even if she loses memories? Clearly Eleanor and co can, but Janet is not human. But is she a being? Does she have the ability to grow? (Sidebar: Perpetually in love with D’Arcy Carden’s performance. That sequence of falls!)

I genuinely love The Good Place’s relationship to absurdity. When you run 800+ scenarios, you’re going to get to some weird places and a two second farm reality joke is exactly what I never knew I needed from a tv show. They have a damn clam chowder fountain, which is insane but they play it as if it isn’t and that is what works so beautifully. Everything they’re doing is bonkers, but if enough people do the same bonkers thing with a straight face, it’s very hard to question it. That’s what worked in the demons’ favor in the first season, and I think what will work in Eleanor, Michael, etc.’s favor this time around. (I told you I was lying about the no predictions thing.)

Jumping back to the chowder fountain for a moment: Manhattan clam chowder would be more demonic to have around than New England clam chowder in general, but a (proper) dairy based chowder is more horrifying to have in a public fountain, so I believe they made the right call on that.

A few smaller thoughts to wrap up:

JUST realized that Mike Schur and Michael the demon have the same name and I don’t know what that says about Schur or about what Shur thinks of himself. It’s a good name in general, though.

I’m quite excited to see more from Vicky. She’s a really volatile mixture of blind enthusiasm and legitimate shrewdness, plus Sircar is just a joy to watch. 

How high is the demon to bad person ratio, y’all? Is it really this skewed or is this a gross misallocation of resources?

Highly recommend this delightful twitter

ADAM: 

A slight disclaimer: I have been a little busy with the move and without internet living like some early 90s sap. I'm currently at my local Starbucks writing this (Spectrum hooks everything up later today). Now back to the show.

It's hard God Damn work being this right all the time! I mean I figured that the team up storyline would happen later, but well played Mike Schur for just getting to the point (more on that in a minute). I watched the episode at a Holiday Inn Express in Kingman, AZ and I'm pretty sure Kris could hear me patting myself on the back from his apartment in Hollywood. It is a good feeling when you just nail a plot development or future storyline. I mean some could liken my figuring out the plot twist to Jason figuring out that everyone is was in the bad place. Okay, enough of the gloating time for more serious talks because I've got great news for everyone, especially Mindy St. Claire, I didn't forget the cocaine!

I will say that even though I called the team up angle, I did not expect it to happen at the end of episode two. The Michael storyline of nothing working and being blackmailed by fake Eleanor (or whatever you want to call her) did have a mid-season or end of the season storyline to it. After letting everything settle in now, however, it makes sense that Schur would pull something like this-this early on. If you look back to the end of season 6, and all of season 7, of Parks and Recreation he takes massive time jumps. Leslie had triplets and we never saw them except for short moments. He essentially did the same thing with “Dance Dance Resolution.” He showed that we can keep doing the same thing over and over again (ala case of the week) seeing how everyone figures it out. In a recent podcast interview he did with Andy Greenwald, he explained how he likes to dig himself a hole and figure a way out. This episode shows that he's crazy like a fox and like "The Good/Bad Place" anything is possible to happen. I like the fact that with this Groundhog Day kind of episode that Schur and Co. are saying that no matter the different variables that the outcome is the same. Ergo, even though these might be bad people they can still learn and grow to be good. Which then leads to the question of: What really makes a bad/good person? Kris, since you are the philosopher I look to you to answer that question. I will say that with the team up now happening that Eleanor and Co. will grow attached to Michael and vice versa (a bit of a stretch).  

Disclaimer: This portion is going to be heavy with sports analogies.

Eleanor, Chidi, and Janet have some very funny moments in this episode showing that they are getting more freedom to handle more of the comedy on their own (I touched on this last episode). The episode, however, truly belonged to Michael. “Dance Dance Resolution” felt like Ted Danson was playing iso ball. We never really truly got to see him shine, except only during last season's finale. This was his moment and he did not disappoint. He was essentially LeBron barreling down the lane where no one is going to stop him. His ability to set others up (his interactions with Janet and then Jason in particular) so they get their moment is great. How he can work in the scene is great and his comedic timing is on point that it just seems so effortless. I am curious to know how much direction is given to Ted Danson or if it's just give him the ball and get the hell out of his way.

I would say to Kris and Liz that you are both correct that Eleanor keeps her ethical and spiritual growth. The reason is that even though yes she does lose her memory every time there is a reset, if you look at every reset she still does the same thing. She seeks out Chidi for spiritual/ethical growth. While she may not remember what happens she always tries to do the responsible or ethical thing. The question may be that instead of wondering what Janet retains with every reset, we might want to start asking what Eleanor and Co. retain with every reset. The characters’ memories are wiped, but how much are they truly retaining? Even when Eleanor and Chidi visit Mindy St. Claire for the 50th or whatever time, she explains to Eleanor that that is the first time Eleanor has told Chidi that she loves him. Even though they have had sex dozens of times before she never said told Chidi that she loved him. That would mean that even though their memories keep being erased their connection continues to grow stronger. This is going to be a storyline that Eleanor and Chidi are going to continue to grapple with throughout the show because with them trying to fool everyone Eleanor and/or Chidi is going to get jealous (or try to make the other jealous) while they are with their "soulmates." I mean let's be real it will be Eleanor trying to make Chidi jealous by hooking up with her "soulmate" and Chidi trying to get back at her, but failing in a miserable yet funny way. I really hope they stay away from a Will They Won't They sexual tension between Chidi and Eleanor.

Finally, I would have to disagree with the notion of Janet knowing and or retaining information. I think that Janet is just an actual computer trying to understand how the world works. I think that with every reboot I would compare it to a hard reset if someone formatted their computer. In the season one finale Michael says they stole a good Janet and reprogrammed her. She may have a backup drive that Michael does not even know about, which then, said backup drive will eventually be used against him by Shawn to retire Michael. I would also like to see Tahani get some more run. She hasn't had as much space to play as the rest of the co-stars. She has mainly just been involved in the B, sometimes C plot or the occasional runner.

KRIS: 

Since now two of you have asked, my leanings as a former-almost-philosopher are Aristotelian, which is to say that A) I’m generally more interested in character traits — virtues and vices — than in hard universal rules or in what you could call the “moral math” of utilitarianism/consequentialism; and B) I tend to think one’s character is shaped by one’s actions (as Chidi has explained to Eleanor), and that therefore one’s moral sense can be — indeed, must be — trained. As my existentialism professor Iain Thomson once phrased this view, “Aretē is a technē. Virtue is a skill.” (The Greek root of the word “technology” is “technē,” which can translate roughly to “skill,” but also to “science,” or even to “art” in the sense that (an) art is a practice. Which is why the website name Ars Technica is a little strange.)

Virtue ethics, then, may be the main ethic of The Good Place as a show. It’s worth nothing, though, that in “Dance Dance Resolution,” Chidi for the first time identifies himself as a specialist not in virtue ethics but in deontology, i.e., ethics based on rules and duties. (This explains his interest in contractualism and Scanlon’s What We Owe to Each Other, and also why he was so excited to have meals with Immanuel Kant.)

Appropriate response to a Kant superfan I’M KIDDING (mostly)

I’m not yet totally sold on Adam’s read of what I’m going to call Eleanor’s moral continuity, but I like it. (I literally applauded alone in my studio apartment when Adam’s prediction came true.) This brings me to my biggest… I don’t know if “concern” is the right word? But like I said last week, I’ll miss watching Eleanor grapple with her past dirtbaggery, which wasn’t just hilarious but often moving, and often a mirror. Think of when Eleanor’s boyfriend wanted to boycott that coffee shop. Dirtbag-Eleanor decided that because perfectly aligning all of one’s actions with one’s principles is impossible, we shouldn’t bother trying. As a specific scenario, this is something we all struggle with. And in general, the theme of “How Do I Be(come) a Good Person?” is creepy-targeted-Facebook-ads-level Pandering to Kris.

Vox’s Caroline Framke observed that this season reminds her of how Community changed a lot in its second season, shifting from a show “about college” to something supremely strange and toweringly ambitious, all for the better. I definitely don’t object to The Good Place undergoing a similar change, as seems to be the case not only in this episode’s structural ambition but in the increased focus on Danson/Michael. But while I do love Danson (who is everything Adam says he is), maybe because this is actually the first thing I’ve seen him in, I’m less invested in TGP as a Danson Delivery Mechanism than I was in its being — by circumstance if not by design — a show about women and people of color trying to find (or make) their place in the universe.

More importantly, the increased Michael focus is also what signals that TGP is no longer primarily about being a good person — though the team-up suggests it may still be about building a good community. And that’s a Schurian theme I love, partly because it’s an antidote to the distinctly American ethos of radical individualism: Americans like to believe in superheroes, in the Great Man theory of history, in “pulling yourself up by your bootstraps” as the answer to everything, in the power of a single person to change the world through sheer will. But that’s not how the world works. It takes a village. This is indeed the point of Aristotle’s ethics, and of Aristotle’s Ethics, by which I mean the book Nicomachean Ethics, whose last chapter all but explicitly sets up his Politics, a work about how we organize communities to serve the ends of human happiness. An old classmate thought it was insane that political theory students read the Politics without necessarily reading the Ethics, and something like the reverse is also true: the goals established in the Ethics cannot be achieved without politics.

In The Good Place, Eleanor can’t become better if the world around her doesn’t provide conditions that make striving for goodness feasible. A key idea in philosophical ethics is that “ought implies can.” If a moral framework is going to make sense as a human project, and as something that can be enforced, following it has to actually be possible. In life this is what discouraged Eleanor from even trying to be conscientious about how she spent her money, and in afterlife it’s what Chidi agonizes over when Mindy reveals they’ve all been here before: “We are experiencing karma, but we can't learn from our mistakes, because our memories keep getting erased. It’s an epistemological nightmare!”

(For a much cleaner, sharper take on where this may all be going in a larger thematic sense, read Todd VanDerWerff on how he sees The Good Place as a self-conscious repudiation of Parks and Recreation’s optimism.)

ADAM: 

I think TGP is still about being a good person though. While yes there is a team up there still is the suggestion about what characters, mainly Eleanor, will do to figure out how they are good. Everything Schur has created deals with the optimism within not just people, but a community as a whole. This optimism is then brought forth by a conduit (Leslie Knope in Parks and Rec, Terry Jeffords in Brooklyn Nine-Nine) that shows everyone around them that they can either make a difference or can learn to be less selfish. 

Do you think that because Eleanor might retain some sort of "Goodness" that she then tries to make the neighborhood good? Do you think the Eleanor does retain some of the goodness that she has learned from all the resets (hence my theory on her telling Chidi that she loves him for the first time) that she, in fact, will help both Michael and the rest of the neighborhood become good? I don't see TGP as a repudiation to Parks and Rec's optimism, I see it as the optimism shining through the chaos within. Not to belabor the point, but even after all the 800+ resets Eleanor always seeks Chidi out to learn ethics/morality, as she feels guilty that she is not supposed to be in the "Good Place." She never deviates or goes down a different path. Couldn't you say that even in the chaos as a whole Eleanor and Co. still show resolve and that good can still shine through all through the chaos?

KRIS:

I'd like Lemon and/or Miri to take a crack at these questions, and I'll maybe come back to Eleanor when I close this out tomorrow morning, but I'll venture briefly that there's a distinction between the optimism of Parks -- Change for the better is inevitable, we're on the winning side of history -- and the specific, America-in-2017 brand of hope (or maybe that's not even the right word, but something hope-adjacent) that can be read into TGP, in which you try to change things for the better without assuming that you're going to succeed. In the case of Eleanor and Co., it's not like it can get any worse; there's nowhere to go but up, and thus nothing to lose by fighting even an unwinnable battle, but there is a toll on the conscience for giving up.

MIRI:

Point of clarification (because it matters to the questions Adam brought up, not just because I'm a pedantic ass)—I'm pretty sure this was not the time Eleanor said she loved Chidi. Mindy was showing her tape of another time. They overheard the striking demons only a few days into this reset, so they barely know each other this time. Which is why Eleanor was horrified to learn of the love—she doesn't feel that way about Chidi. Yet. And I think that goes to an important point—Eleanor's progress is not a straight line. She's evolved as a person overall, but she's still somewhat who she used to be and has her old memories. The circumstances of each reboot affect how she reacts somewhat. And that's realistic—no path to self improvement is simple or linear. She's going to have backslides and incremental progress. (Also I'd argue that she goes to Janet for help staying under the radar for her own safety and Janet brings her to Chidi. Eleanor doesn't go directly to him out of love or guilt. BUT she does find her way to him and is willing to learn from him over and over and over, which is what matters to me.)

I think that Eleanor's character has improved and that she retains some of that, but that the job is far from done—and that is the most important part. Each time she must choose to do better (not for the best reason to start, but still) and then work at it. Being good in a vacuum is easy and not particularly worthy of commendation. Eleanor is still on her climb out of dirtbaggery, she's just a bit farther along than in the first season.

Also: IT DID NOT OCCUR TO ME until Kris pointed it out that literally none of the non-demon protagonists are white dudes. That's amazing. I have come to expect Fremulon shows to actually look like the world (women, people of color, many things are garbage but not ALL things, etc). But damn, that is worth taking a moment to appreciate.

Also also, I would like to [again] direct you all to the twitter @nocontexttgp because it is a damn delight on my twitter feed and we all deserve that.

KRIS:

I wonder how much we should consider the question of Eleanor's moral continuity in the light of the sitcom "law" that your characters can't really change. Mike Schur and his collaborators (Dan Goor on B99, Greg Daniels on Parks) have pushed this law to its limits, but have they ever really broken it? Jake Peralta has grown up enough to be a worthy partner to Amy Santiago, but he's still definitely recognizably the Peralta of the pilot. Even the increasingly Woke Peralta is seen in season 1, when he punches out guest star Stacy Keach's old school detective for being homophobic. Leslie Knope started out kind of as a hapless Michael Scott clone, but she was never as outright awful a human being, and Poehler's sunniness lent itself to a different direction, so that Leslie became a hypercompetent moral authority, but she also retained her Too Much-ness and her blind love for and faith in her friends.

From the beginning Schur has been clear that The Good Place is intended as a heavily serialized show, so Miri's observation that Eleanor and Chidi seem to flee to the Medium Place relatively early into version 802 gets at a big question I have that this week's inevitable twist will probably prove I'm overthinking BUT STILL: Are we supposed to assume that Eleanor v802 has had roughly the same amount of moral maturation as version 1, that she’s had roughly similar experiences to what we saw last year? It seems like we have to say no, right? And if that's the case, this is on one level a pretty interesting commentary about network sitcoms: in a way it really doesn’t matter what happens to these people week-to-week, as it really didn't matter exactly who Joey was dating or exactly what Monica was yelling about on any given episode of Friends. But more specifically to the serialization of The Good Place, who/what exactly are we rooting for, if not for the Eleanor whose trials we followed last season? This reminds me, weirdly, of one of the big problems of Joss Whedon’s Dollhouse, in which the lead character was a repeatedly reset blank slate and we spent far too long knowing much more about her world than she did. (Echo actually figured out the truth by the end of the original pilot, but Fox wanted more weekly sexploitation, and forced the show into a procedural rut which eventually saw Eliza Dushku in bondage gear for like 30 seconds, apparently just for the hell of it.)

If Adam is right, then Eleanor's situation is something like "10 steps forward, 9 steps back" in every reset, and maybe last season did "matter" in-universe. But if Adam is wrong, then I guess what we're rooting for has to be in Eleanor's nature rather in her nurture -- maybe her fierce insistence on setting her own course, driven home as a fundamental drive with last season's revelation that Eleanor emancipated herself from her parents as a teenager -- and/or the very notion of moral perfectibility itself. Not perfection, but the potential for it. That is, we're rooting for Eleanor not because she becomes better but because deep down she wants to. I could live with that.

This isn’t relevant to my point, I just really wanted to include it

Lastly: I mentioned last week that I’m a little down on twist-driven storytelling as a concept or approach, but part of the reason it works so well here is that by going to the team-up so early — despite, as Adam said, having the feel of mid-season significance — the show is telling us it’s not “really” about the twist. Whereas something like Westworld builds really slowly and deliberately to a revelation that’s supposed to be earth-shattering, here the twist seems to be a means to a character-driven end, rather than the end in itself.

We’ll try to keep this up all season!

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[janiklandre-blog]

Saturday, April 22nd, 2017

Saturday, April 22nd, 2017   10:43 a.m.  in Sag Harbor, cool, sun trying to come out - 45 minutes? - before I want to go with my friend "to town" - get the NYT - get some idea of the latest horrors going on in this world - here, a peaceful scenario. Looking at the large screen apple computer - in a studio filled with art - in the background my friend's grand children making "slime" - have read about it - now can watch to intricate process. I left off on Thursday morning - I was on my way to the dentist who extracted a tooth he said would cause me pain soon - I did get to the park where it was chilly - though actually - it seems to me I am already getting days mixed up - I think the tooth was extracted on Wednesday, I wrote about on Thursday - was heading for the Polish church, it was fast, I bought a few things on the way home - also those pills I have been assured now also by others that they caused me to lose my teeth, cause my lack of balance, may cause my lousy walking - have to this point avoided a stroke. I did go to a lively Washington Square Park and my grandson came to spend half an hour with me, a great pleasure. A few minutes ago I was speaking with my friend about Jiddish - we agreed it has a built in gallows humor - my type of humor. I believe I would have enjoyed some of the literature written in the Hebrew alphabet I can't read. New York is a Jewish city - alternate side parking - street cleaning - suspended for 10 days for Passover. It was only once I came to New York that I became aware of Jewish holidays. The Jiddish word that just came to my mind was "naches" - the pleasure children and grandchildren give you - it really is a very special pleasure and I am very happy to have it. Later my friend, to whom I refer as my friend, dropped by - I got into talking about my former mother-in-law Tamina Bilthuis, the mother of Robert G., a tall, blond, blue eyed German, born briefly before the 19th century ended, near Flemish speaking country. There always is so much to say about people who came to play significant roles in one's life - my friend said she never had been aware this woman had not been Jewish. My much checkered life - everybody in her life had been Catholic. Time passed fast - it was 5:45 on Friday when I had decided to get up,  My friend here is leaving - I'll continue later. Later - it is 4:21 p.m. - we went shopping, I got the last NYT and just read the story of the woman who got to be 117 in Italy. She lived a simple life in a small church owned apartment, cooked for herself until she was 112 - but she had security, stability , began staying home and in the last fe years a niece became a care taker. She grew very old, graciously. We had a nice rather prolongued lunch and I lay down to sleep - a call from my New York friend woke me - I was surprised I slept so long - these eye ops may have taken a bit more out of me than I thought. It feels good to be in a quiet place and my German friend here - we met in 1983 - is by now one of my oldest New York friend and we have been in touch rather steadily. We always have a lot to talk about. My New York friend actually called me back to tell me about the Iraqui man in Finland whose life she has followed so closely over many years, his life threatened he fled with his son - it soon will be two years they have been in Finland, asylum refused, an appeal now long pending - his son has requested to go back home. Dreams are shattered, His father wrote such a moving account about their flight, in good English, a page turner, could a wider publication have helped? It never happened.  People have been saved by their writing. I was on Friday morning when I stopped writing earlier - I did go out to buy the paper, glad it barely rained, thunder storms had been predicted, packed, left the house by 8:15, the jitney to leave at 9:15 from corner 40th street and 3rd avenue, a bus came and was slow, I got there before nine, a man already waiting and soon many more people came - the one bench wet, we all stand, luckily the bus came soon and was packed. My L.A. friend sat in back waiting for me (I always sit in front in buses) and we had a very friendly trip - we have been out of touch for such long stretches, there is a lot to catch up and compare how these long lives have gone, not yet over 100, still they feel pretty long. In Sag Harbor an also long time friend was waiting for us, who has spent 40 years in Sag Harbor but now is about to move back to Los Angeles where he originates but left young for New York, One of his two sons lives there. Still it does not look like this will be an easy move for him. Still driving fast he does have quite a number of problems. He took us to a quite fancy restaurant and then to his house. He has managed to make a living of writing and illustrating his books, still writes and draws but finds it hard to sell. Living alone is not so easy for us growing old. He drove us to this here my friend, she and my L.A. friend had an enjoyable hour, the writer picked him up again, he got on a bus back to New York - over booked he wrote me earlier - and tomorrow it is back to L.A. for him. He said the travel does take it out of him - I have little desire for long travel. The weather has been maritime - fog, drizzle, rain, cool - once short walks have become long walks - just like in New York also here construction abounds, people still do have money and are making big changes to their houses, in three places there are huge containers that say something about storage. In New York now the mayor is talking to retrieve many large houses used for storage for habitation again. I know of homeless people - a man I got to know quite well at the C.W. - a woman had given him a number of years of hospitality but his hording was out of control, he now spends several hundred dollars on storage and sleeps in the street. He has to go all the way to Long Island to store and regularly visits his belongings. Other of the homeless were storing. All the forms our enormous surplus is taking. It is great to breathe country air, much is in bloom and many of us say, New York is only tolarable if you also can get away from it. When I settled down in New York in 1962 I promised myself never to spend a summer there and have managed rather well, happily leaving behind what now has been turned into a summer festival. My Astor Place, once bordered by a large parking space, graced with the large black cube I did come to turn with my kids - now high glass houses but also space created for an area with a cafe in a wooden hut, tables and chairs and performance. Right this minute I believe a poetry slam is going on there. I prefer to be here. My friend here does like TV, channels I too once watched until TV became unwatchable without cable that I never wanted - also alas most programs she enjoys quickly put me to sleep. I do seem to sleep a lot here. Soon I may hear her in her long used kitchen getting ready to bake a cake.  She has been doing a lot of cooking, baking in the same kitchen since long before we met - since my last fire and in my airless, hot kitchen with my two pots, I lost interest in something once gave me too great pleasure. A German saying: Liebe geht durch den Magen - stomachs create love - being a good cook also has made me more lovable. No more. Time for another short walk that once was long - this early morning I was greeted by loudly chattering Canada geese on the water - hard as people try to get rid of them - they can make lawns almost unlivable with their poop - it seems they are here to stay. I'm sure there is food around. Let me go out now and take a look what is happening. Marianne away from the city.

[mille-at-home]

A Wednesday witter.

This weekend marriage malarkey certainly seems to be over like a puff of smoke! We were supposed to get a tip run in and buy a shoe cabinet for the newly decorated hall but alas time was against us as always and before we know it, he has to go back! All in all though, the weekend was quite a success - Erin actually managed her first sleepover at a school friends house! This is indeed a big achievement for her, Richie and I had a 40th birthday party to go to and by 10pm we were quite settled with texts that all was quiet at said friends house. Well, we had wine at the party after that and celebrated Erin’s new barrier broken. Richie and I had a little table for two for a while and chatted about many military family fears, this did us the world of good, whilst i danced he spent much of the night chatting to 'Adam Ant' and lushing a bit over my friends, husbands Top Gun fly suit!! Well, he joined the RAF at the beginning of his career - secretly, I think he still wants to be that fighter pilot saving the world, whereas I am quite happy with Wonder Women, I have the outfit although there is little time to change into it for the school runs and besides all those red call boxes have all but disappeared around the country, so where’s a girl to spin and change in private now huh?!

Talking of wonder women, I am after my own pink drill, I’m told you can get them but drilling is something I don’t do. I am scared of hitting water pipes or something. I did it once whilst he was in Afghanistan and ended up burning my finger (don’t ask) and filling and sanding the hole I made, (he’s never noticed) so this has always been the mans job; however, I am getting brave (this could worry the husband) and I have my eye on a rather large project! In the meantime I have been left to collect the shoe cabinet - we have one which we have had since we married but it only holds 12 pairs of shoes, this was fine B.C. So I have this idea that if we get the same one and attach it to the other one, then attach it to the wall we have double the space and I can upcycle the yucky colour. I decide that carrying said unit from the store to the multi-story car park is beyond Wonder Women’s strength though and I have hereby officially admitted defeat on this - sometimes we do indeed, just need a man!

I can help our daughter though! She has really had a confidence setback and it worries me. She had a beautiful report for all her skills at school - truly lovely to read she is such a good, kind character with a strong sense of right and wrong. Funnily enough both children have had this written from reception, *note I do something right! Anyway that said; she is below average in all of her subjects? Yes, all of them. This annoys me somewhat as I remember sitting with the then headteacher, when she was in reception saying she struggled (particularly in math) and that the service pupil premium is designed to have some additional help. I was brushed off with its up to the school where they spend the 'very little amount' that is given by the MOD, the long and short of it was she refused to give Erin additional help as she said she didn’t need it! The set SPP goes into the pot of money for all on PP! (Should be kept seperate) Talk and brick wall spring to mind but each year I have raised the same question and each year been fobbed off, you are made to feel like a fussy parent who has no idea. (I am no primary school teacher, so this is quite right) This year Erin has had additional help with math as I raised that dreaded question to her class teacher yet again. I am really happy that she is now having it, I just think it’s clearly too little too late! She has one year left at primary school and she is now very very scared that she will be in bottom set. I am scared for her too, so big brother is trying to rescue her and helping her with work starting this week. The long and short of it is - we will have to pay a tutor to get her level on average and more importantly raise that confidence.

This week Erin has a mock assessment for her level II first aid certificate - she is doing well but her written mock test paper last week she scored low and on her practical assessment as she has no confidence I’m told. She knows what she has to do but her voice is not loud enough in assessment?! She has also been unable to practice adult CPR with the broken wrist so she is scared she is going to be “the only one to fail”. She came down to us over the weekend after searching Amazon declaring that she really really wanted a doll and it was only £200! Dad and I almost choked on our tea - for the love of God, I always wanted this girl to have a doll but a Resusitation Annie doll? “No” was the unanimous answer but I set about asking friends for ideas - I am borrowing an Annie on Friday for her so at least she has a week to practice before the big test! The things we do eh?! Got to love social media too!

It’s Wednesday and I spent last night soothing Erin about today’s dental appointment, this is the specialist dental team (I use the term loosely) and it is now the third time they have cancelled at the last minute! Remember the hoo haa when I forgot one appointment time and they threw me off the list with a stern patronising letter about wasting NHS time and money?! 11.20pm last night she finally settled, anxiety and worrying about going - I was comforter, water carrier, tooth cleaner, TV control unit, duvet straightener and resident psychiatric nurse with exhaustion but she slept. I am up in anticipation of taking Cory to school at 8am due to the rain and trying to remain calm for Erin. She is worrying upon waking and I soothe her with the patience of mother Theresa before getting her breakfast. The phone rings at 7.50am and it’s the bloody dentist cancelling the appointment as they “have problems this morning” they will call back later to rearrange! Oh my bloody days - Erin is ecstatic to go straight to school, meanwhile I hotfoot into town to try and change dentists all round! I have found our old very good surgery and begged her for spaces, perhaps she took pity on my tears (of frustration) and told me to come back in two weeks with a wink wink! I am there!!!

All I can say is, with my recent and quite traumatic experiences of the NHS. I am concerned myself for its future!

I think I need the dojo tonight, it’s either that or wine and I think I prefer the dojo! That’s is all.

Have a good week all. Mille xx

#marriedunaccompanied #armywife #nhs #dentist #school #servicepupilpremium