#maybe its something else . maybe theres something wrong with me
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okay hi waves im making a vers on here so the chat can read it (theres mentions of being sick ofc, animal death [its quick and about rats], and brief descriptions of kissing) I FINISHED IT LATE LAST NIGHT SO IF ITS WEIRD MAYBE THATS WHY ANYWAYS TAKE IT
Vyncent, or Virion, whatever name you’d like, he had no room to care right now, had lived on Prime for months. He might have even been here a year, hard to tell. Things get busy as an elf-boy superhero with your home world’s great heroes in your brain that give you use, who happens to have befriended a red head with so much energy and the power to kill the sun in a kick if he wanted, a white haired guy who had a book that could just make your worst of nightmares look tame and also sometimes a fairy, and a dead black-haired boy who couldn’t stop meeting the dead for some reason. Lots of stuff in Vyncent’s life.
So could someone explain to him that what was a common cold for anybody else here put Virion out of commission? Sure, he was more prone to getting sick, he’d face it like every other week, but at least then he could hide it! Sick wasn’t good back home. Sick was a death sentence, and this was why. When you can’t get up, you can’t run, you can’t fight. If healing magic didn’t fix you, it may work best to cut that loss yourself.
Unfortunately, Vyncent didn’t have healing magic, and trying to reach the Greats while you feel so uncomfortable and gross and, well, sick, you might rather eat rat poison. As such, he had to bug Will about it. He hasn’t even seen Will get a cough now that he’s thinking about it. Granted, he was dead and awesome, so maybe that had something to do with it.
“You’re not normally this hot, right? I have to make sure, again.” Will’s fingertips were slightly blackened, and the cold feeling on his forehead while nice almost made him jump. Right, dead boy cold. Cold dead boy. Cold hot dead boy- no, elf boy hot, dead boy cold. Yes, this made sense and was logical. Don’t question Vyncent, he’s normal and fine minus everything wrong with him.
“Mmm mmgh,” an excellent denial from Vyncent. He’s so good at this.
“Right, just…how long are you normally sick? Like, back home, does it get this bad? Do you guys even get sick there, or do you just, I dunno, shoot it better?”
He better not be mockin’ me.
He’s Will. He likes living, or whatever he is right now.
Right, the Greats. Not always Will’s biggest fans, but they weren’t going to come out while sick so rather than hear his voice insult his friend, he heard all their comments and thoughts insulting his friend. Bothering him, that’s what they’re “Great” at (he should leave the puns to the other guys).
“Mgh…” Great stuff Virion. Let’s see how William responds.
“Great stuff Vynce.” He puts a bowl on the table which seems to have a collection of ingredients that regular soup didn’t have.
“What’s-” He coughed a bit, cursed lungs. “What in that?”
“It’s a soup, just with stuff that you can actually eat. Like rats and stuff. I tried to put some medicine in it, just to see.”
“Where’d-” More coughs. “Where’d the rats come from?”
Will shudders. “I don’t think you want to know.”
Vyncent laughed a bit. He let his brain indulge itself, imagining what may have happened to get them. The image of him hunting the rats kept appearing in there. If his ears were a little more red, he’d blame being sick.
He just brought you soup, calm down lover boy.
Shut up, shut up shut up shut up.
[I think the kid’s embarrassed.]
Come on Stryder, pleaseeeeee.
Your pining is not hard to spot.
NOT YOU TOO ALPHONZ.
Vyncent turned over to his side, using the pillow to cover his ears as if that’ll work, groaning the whole time.
“You good man?”
“Yeah…’m jus’ feeling stupid…”
“Nobody feels too great when sick.”
“Mghh…”
“Can we try some soup? It should help, and you do have to eat.”
Vyncent had been so out of it, he forgot how long it had been since he ate. Maybe that’s why he felt so shit. Memory is dumb and should die forever. This is a logical conclusion. Vyncent was always a man of logic. You had to trust him.
He turned back over to Will, who happened to pull off the sickly look very well, attempting to push himself up so he could eat something. He could do things for himself, surely. Don’t ask him how well he’d do at them, because he wouldn’t lie and say he’d be great, cause that’s totally not lying. Totally.
I hope you can hear the sarcasm.
“No man, don’t- just sit back, it- it’s fine. You look deathly man, that’s coming from me.”
The emphasis was joking, making Vyncent giggle.
“Fine…”
“Save the energy.”
Like a baby, Vyncent was spoon fed soup, which the comparison he’d make would hurt more if he wasn’t just stuck on Will. His face was heating up, sure, but maybe it was less than the illness. Maybe it was more Will.
[He’s finally admitting it, good gods, took you long enough.]
Shhhhhhhhut it.
You’d think he’d have picked up on it by now, how bad you are.
Be ‘iet….
“Hm?”
“They're being loud…”
“Greats?”
“Mhm…they’re judging me.”
“About what? If they’re being dicks, uh- well, I couldn’t really fight Alphonz. Or Min. Or Ram. Or any of them- I’ll pretend like I can fight them!”
Vyncent laughs at this guy, this idiot he adores with all his heart, no matter how much of it will admit that. “Bout how pretty you are.”
Vyncent didn’t recall ever seeing Will blush, but this seemed, like, close to it. He starts nervously chuckling. “You really think that?”
“Mhm, ‘art of why I like you.”
He saw the cogs in Will’s brain malfunction and sputter. Did it make him lose it inside to have said that? Sure, but in the end, it’s Will. He’d hate to lose a friend right now, but he’s done worse and stuck around, and maybe in the end, Will could find someone who doesn’t get sick every other week.
“I- Uh- Vynce you feeling alright? Your forehead is really hot.” He starts nervously chuckling again. He did that a lot.
“Mhm, dead boy hot.”
Someone’s gained guts! Finally!
I actually have 0 idea what I’m doing and I don’t think I can back down now, so uh, thanks.
[Oh, yeah, no. You actually suck ass at this.]
Thanks asshole.
It is not a failure on your end. Your courting attempts seem to be affecting him well.
There was a detail in Will’s eyes. Just a glint of something. Was it hope, denial, something that was any more terrifying? Vyncent has little idea what’s happening at this point until they do. He’s going to hold onto that look though. He hopes it's something better than he could be. Just maybe something that gives him a sign.
“You- uh, you’re a hot elf boy, man, yeah.” He stumbled around his words, trying to not make eye contact. He sat on the sofa a bit awkwardly.
This is so stupid. I’m so stupid for this- the last sane thoughts of Vyncent as he moves- I’m so so terribly dumb for this. With a loss of any sanity and dignity he gets up and somewhat crawls over to William. He’s locked onto William’s eyes, and maybe his lips. Maybe this rotten dead man can be the medicine to cure him. His sickness feels a bit deeper than medical anyways.
“V-Vynce? W-Something up man?”
He cups Will’s face with a hand and rubs his thumb against his cheek. This is wrong, this is so so stupid and wrong and maybe Vyncent knows but also he has never felt this confidence and honestly? May as well use it to his advantage, the Fallen Ones know he would never get to do this again, not being this confident.
Vyncent had never kissed anybody. Kissing wasn’t exactly a Fauna thing, at least not what Vyncent learned, so this was new. It was a new sensation. On a regular level, this was just pushing his lips against another pair of lips. Emotionally, he was in a dream land. Things felt great. Will’s cold lips were a nice startlement, a shock turned to a calming cool throughout his body. They basically melted from the initial surprise into the kiss, Vyncent laying on top of Will as he light-headedly pulled back.
“...Woah.”
“‘Retty nice. You…your lips ‘aste ‘ice.” Vyncent had a love-strivenly stupid smile, and at this point, hiding from himself or Will was futile. It felt soft and comfortable in this moment, and knowing that even if he was weird inside, Will wasn’t going anywhere. He didn’t have to either, Virion could lay on this couch and he didn’t have to run. He didn’t have to hide. That was something to like. He snuggled into Will.
“Movie ‘ight?”
“I- sure man. Not the weirdest it could be.”
“I like this.”
“Love you too, Vynce.”
Love you too.
who up ghosting their sick knife
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its really awesummmmm to have body image problems in the world that we live in even trying to “eat healthily” always feels like subjecting myself to a disordered form of eating somehow because my palate is so rectricted already but when i just eat normal stuff that i enjoy like fucking TOAST i start feeling like im going to be killed badly and i overthink every meal choice i make and the amount of ambient Food Noise in my brain at all times is so overwhelming it makes me sick esp when all my “body positive” friends and family are always talking about diet this and diet that and protein shakes and what have you because it’s so insanely normal to do so and my algorithm wont stop showing me healthy cooking videos and talking about protein every meal, diet matters more than exercise, carb replacements tofu pancakes shut up SHUT UPPPPP!!!!!!!!! FUCKK
#i gained a lot of weight on my antidepressants and i cant just stop taking them but it is like fucking up my brain soooo bad to exist#like my brain knows its fine and normal but it doesnt even matter like i live with so much cognitive dissonance it’s become unreal#plus im on the Apps so my physical appearance really does have a direct impact on my life so im always thinking about it all the time#and it curtails with me being a picky eater which i feel like is heinous and morally weong on my part and i feel such an immense GUILT#about it while also being aware i cant really do anything about it yayyyyyy#and then even posting about it feels wrong because im like maybe externalizing it is worse blah blah blah#just feels like something is REALLY wrong with how i think about myself but theres no way to deal with it because#having that mindset about your body is literally the normal state of affairs in everyone else like#personal#flumps. i need to go do pilates now. i guess.
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being autistic in fandom spaces is like really miserable because iiiiiii miss social cues a lot. and text cues i either miss frequently or interpret differently than intended. which makes me analyze characters different and need things explained of what was like. Actually meant. but sometimes people are assholes and that always sticks with me a lot more than anybody calmly explainging it to me ever will
#it's not something that's super often but it's gotten worse since rejoining danganronpa and i feel so upset#tw vent#but like its happened more often like 3 and ive only been back in here since like july guys.#and ive thought abt these instances for months.#im beinf talked down to because of a fictional character bc my disability makes me inept isnt thay insane?#isnt that insane how people think that its fine to do that? to be incredibly mean spirited over this?#and i get complaining damn it i complain all tje time but it. makes me feel like theres something inherently Wrong with me#i cant understand like everyone else and need some things explained to me#which must mean i have no place here right#this is wjy im so scared to share my works because somehow everything i do is a carnal evil for. whatever reason.#gahh just . maybe if people were nicer but thay wont happen i know that#i feel childish for beinf so uspet im 22 and cant handle how the internet is but.#fandom is my safe space#im being othered in a place i want to feel safe.#it makesme wanna fall off the grid and just leave it all alone amd enjoy in private#and id still see stuff so im not going to do thag since itd be the same scenario just now im talking to me exclusively#but ah it makes me really wanna just Leave . sucks 2 suck i guess#i dont know. ive jus been thinking this for a few months now and ughhh i so g lnow im sick and spilling my guts#micetalk#not tagging my organizational bc i fear this might start something and ugh i dont want that
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im so happy for you that fiction doesnt effect your reality. thats not the case for all of us though ✌️
#and intentionally trying to fuck with people or fuck them up bc you know theyre sensitive about what they consume- makes you evil!#sorry! not taking any nuance on that particular thing today <3#no reason to psychologically torment anyone ever especially not a trans guy online you were told to dislike <3 <3 <3#like some of yall only like saying 'fiction doesnt effect reality' SOLELY so you can harass and fuck with people for whomst it DOES effect.#and i think that makes you evil yeah. i feel p confident about that one. get a life seriously and get over your edgy bully teenager persona#genuinely some people are endlessly searching for an excuse to treat other people like shit#if you do this- only say that shit to excuse harassing someone else- you should prolly do the world the favor and off yourself.#or stay as far away from humanity till you can get over your desire to be a smug piece of shit that cant offer ppl basic human respect#we get it you can make up 'logical' sounding reasons for why you get to treat THIS particular person like shit. like i get it i rly do#but you really gotta get over that urge. maybe theres no acceptable target. and maybe thats what scares you most.#bc the only way you know how to express and release your anger rn is by hurting other people...#and if theres no acceptable targets... and you're hurting people.......#you might actually be doing something wrong! that would warrant valid criticism you cant as easily ignore w/o your excuses!#and lord forbid you ever see yourself as being someone who does something wrong *gasp* Blasphemy to even suggest such right?#hey trust me- its not a new thing to vent your anger by hurting people at all. you should know that. thats prolly how your dad treated you.#and thats why you hate the assertion so much- bc you might end up being more like the person who abused you than you thought#but instead of confront that and break it down and work on it- you stubbornly deny it. so then you keep repeating the abuse.#bc your oh so perfect ass could NEVER do wrong surely not. you've built pride on seeing yourself as a better person than your father.#so i get why it might all crumble down and make you pissy if someone asserts that you're not too different........#to be clear bc this post got super hyper specific n even tho i connected everything its still weird how i got from point a to b but-#you're like your father in the sense that you hurt people to relieve your anger. got it? got it. bc i dont think i was clear sdgkjgdshjbk#the conclusion to my thesis wasnt conclusioning yknow
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why does it feel like the only options anymore are babygirl ed teach into oblivion and pretend like he never did anything bad, or make him the worst person on the fucking planet and incapable of doing anything to earn any forgiveness (not that he even tries)
#im just. frustrated i guess#i see posts calling him an innocent princess and acting as though everyone deserved what he did#(and by everyone i mean izzy because they forget literally anyone else was hurt by him)#and i also see things where they make him just. everything the legends say he was and unforgivable to the point even stede turns his#back on him#i think we should acknowledge ed did a hell of a lot of bad things to people for no reason (and im not talking about the regular ol piracy)#while also giving him the chance to apologise and grow and do better in the future#(and it upsets me to no end that the show couldnt even do that for him. they acted like it was one and done)#i think theres interest in exploring the nuance of what ed did and whether he can be forgiven by the characters#whether they even should forgive him either#but im not ever seeing pieces like that. nobody seems to be doing the nuance any more. its just all in one way or the other#maybe im fucking wrong for finding sympathy in his character while not excusing his actions#maybe its wrong to think that he should have to work for forgiveness but that he deserves the chance to do that#but i like to think there's a world out there where he builds something new with the crew. its different. but its something#he deserves the chance to try at least#nyxtalks#ofmd
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Tough day rambles
In a world with a different setting id be a prophet or a person with cool visions, id be a person worthy of protection and trust and friendship. Here im just paranoid and i worry about the wrong things. Somewhere else when i dance on my way to a shop everyone thinks im full of joy and whimsy and they dont think im drunk or childish. Somewhere else i can be around people for more than 5 hours before i shut down for the rest of the day. Somewhere else i dont remind everyone im stupid and dumb and i dont describe everything i do and feel as "slight" and "little" and "a bit", im able to love romantically and dream of tenderness and give it and recieve it. Idk i just hate myself a lot.
#period moment#im unable of feeling any positive emotion currently#but its true i am worthless#i always promise myself i wont enter new fandoms because in the end theyre just reminders of how ill never be cool and enough etc#i wish i had a confirmation that im not that bad#old man journalist who came to our uni said oooh i thought you were american with your accent and how much u use the word 'like'#i told him my vocabulary is just really really bad and he laughed but yeah omg what a way to tell me im dumb#and also guy from class texting me transphobic pro trump stuff just cause he wants me to give him arguments against what he says#why#just why#and im bad at german#and i havent started writing my article even tho i have over a month to do it#and i dont understand in between wars economics in germany#and i cant write my coalecroux and theres no point of continuing there are much better writers#everything i do is wrong and i dont understand what i should understand#disgusting uh i feel disgusting#my mom told me that her boyfriend got a “beautiful” christmas gift for me#dude why WHY would you buy me things that can be described as beautiful#i hate christmas#i just want to be somewhere else in a different world#i want to be in avantris i want to use magic i dont want to be human#i wish i was older because maybe when youre like 27 your opinions and feelings matter#but im over here rocking back and forth and sucking on a necklace like a fucking baby watching wizard of oz#how do you stop hating yourself i dont get it#i dont fuckinf understand anything#everything is clouded with my desire to be dead or somewhere else and its been like this for a decade i just want it to stop#goodnight i hope i dont fucking wake up i hope my cat scratches my stomach open and eats my body so im useful for something
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loveee when a character is crushed under the weight of someone elses expectations for them love when a character dedicates their entire life to something they never even wanted for themself love when the only reason a character keeps going is because theyre Supposed to and bc theyre supposed to make another person happy/proud. YES !!! CLAPPING !!! YES !!!!!!!!
#this isnt rly related to any character in particular i just thought abt this and it made me scream.#flirting at a bar Damn girl you look like youre trapped in a life you built to please someone else. and then i kneel down and pull out a 💍#sry i ran out of space for the full word ring. also why when i type 💍 Ohh theyre hiding it. bc now the emoji is 💍 Oh they changed it again#pox on their home..originally it was 🔐 sughested emoji#but then the second time it was 😭.... very anti marriage. well ig maybe the sob could be like OMG... YES!!!!! I WILL MARRY YOU!!!!!!#ngl getting proposed to is such a big fear of mine like. i dont think id ever be able to propose to someone so id have to be proposed to i#suppose but it makes me quite nervous not bc im like ohh nooo dont propose i just rly worry ill react the wrong way and theyll change their#mind. like its a very high emotion moment so ik i would be supposed to be emotional And i would be but idk if id do it in the right way . y#idk. what if my autism looms and i end up just being like 😐 on accident. fuckkk. what if i say somethinf dumb. like i try to be like YES !#but instead im like YEP! god. can you imagine. id have to just bury myself at that point. so embarassing. or like what if i get excited and#flap my hands but it was supposed to be more of a like. joyful crying type of thing... or what if im supposed to just be shocked and like .#Oh my god ....#and am I supposed to run at them and sweep them into a hug or do they do thst to me. UGH. ITS SO STRESSFUL. i suppose ill just remain alone#forever so I never have to confront any difficult situations ever again . Joke .#idk it just makes me nervous. but i suppose hopefully the person proposing to me will love me . that would be nice so hopefully they wont#mind if i dont respond the right way . and they wont be upset with me bc they love me eversomuch. a girl can dream i suppose... my head lik#is pounding sry. i need to sleep probably.. stayed up too late again -_- 8am -_- and im sposed to do laundry today But i dont want to . and#since im gonna fall asleep i fear it shant happen. UGHHH#wtvr. idk what my ideal proposal would be likeee. i don't want to be blindsided ig#i like surprises but Obviously im too worried abt like. my immediate reaction#+ i think its important to talk abt marriage Before proposing just so everybodys like#on the same page and such. Obvs... but ya. i dont think id want a super public proposal like. id like it to be somewhere nice with maybs#significance to our relationship and such. and its fine if theres like Some passersby but id hate for it 2 be like. somewhere crowded. or i#a restaurant or something#Altho if it was in a restaurant maybe we could get free food..#but maybe that can be just fake proposals later on. and our real proposal can be somewhere else. YIPPEEE. me and my imaginary future spouse#who is To be honest rather bare minimum#normal girl will be like Wistful sigh maybe my future spouse will even love me and wont scream at me and will like to listen to me speak 😍#but anywyas. my beddybye time. SURPRISE GN POST#woahhthis got off topic i forgot what the original post was this always happens. i do love characters like that
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unfortunately i was born to love the arts and make my entire personality revolve around that no matter what Oh and wonderlands x showtime is also a part of me. Dont know how that happened but theyre carved into my brain now (i know how it all went down.)
#like hell yes you bet i love drawing acting writing singing playing the keyboard sculpting dancing Yknow what Just give me all of it at once#Theres something wrong with me. But i wouldnt want to do anything else#The wxs obsession is Because i am a theatre kid. I shouldnt even be surprised its gotten this bad. They lured me in.#random#im so sleepy but need to get smt done#but all i can think about is drawing its so bad#if i do i know ill be doing it all night and then scolding myself tmrw#Maybe a nap would help…#also i would rather die than give up doing all this simply because I love it#okay okay okay wait i was gonna write more but im gonna sound crazy Okay its not good to do all this#Just stay awake and doyour work. Quickly. Sigh
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why is it so easy for like everyone else to find a relationship ...olol
#like im tired of being 30 and alone and not being good enough!! and abandoned lol!! it seems so easy for everyone else..#like ik theres something inherently wrong w me but stil!!#im just so sad over this lol like its so easy for ppl to move on from me lol and idk maybe i didnt try when he told me hes unsure lol#maybe i should have looked stupid and tried to fix it just like w mg lol#idk im struggling lol i hate being easy to get rid of#and i hate feeling stupid that i believed someone wanted to be with me
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ANYWAYS anyone who cant handle new fans please kindly explode? into smithereens? Thanks so much. everyone else stand in awe of what the community is now able to achieve collectively thanks to all the new fans and activity. i love you all
#signed Your Local Rw Fandom Veteran.#im amazed by the new activity actually. im glad theres nine million iterator ocs and so many new fans to talk about this game with#im in awe that theres enough people to create stuff like daszombes fan regions + iterator logs series and the in progress MAP !!!!#i come from a time where there were no extensive video essays and loving review videos for this game !!!#i was lucky to have a small group of friends i could talk about this game with back in the day !!!#the fact that someone is too petty to let something stupid as this go is... astounding. like wtf is wrong with you#if you are not able to embrace the newfound love and new fans for this game maybe its time you left honestly. retired the rw fandom#anyways this situation has reminded me i need to compile my Useless RW trivia that isnt documented anywhere else for people like me#(some of it is actually interesting/important! but ill get to making this later)#rain world#drama mention#mossball.txt#rain world downpour
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> be me
> never send asks bc im scared ill mess something up
> type up lots of asks but never end up sending them
> finally type up an ask i feel like i can send
> check over it a dozen times to make sure im not missing anything
> send
> didn't actually read urls right
> sent ask to wrong person entirely
> mfw
#ik theres supposed to be a picture if they put mfw just use ur imagination#maybe that one meme of the guy in the blue shirt smoking looking super resigned#its good its fun like its a small thing so im not upset upset but it is def frustrating that this kinda thing always happens to me#i already know i check and recheck things excessively its one of the reasons im like 99% sure i have ocd#but i still. always miss something big and obvious#not specifically with asks just in general things i spend forever going over to make sure theyre perfect always end#up having something glaringly wrong with it that i just somehow didn't process at all#it gets frustrating cause it starts to feel like no matter how hard i check itll never be enough but also that can't be true#because i almost never see this kinda thing happening to everyone else‚ people just Send Asks without having to spend an hour agonizing#over it and nothing ends up being wrong with it. so clearly they're doing /something/ to be able to notice that stuff and im just.#not doing that thing. but i dont know what else i could do it's always something i never even thought to consider#it's like the whole 'expect the unexpected' thing‚ something truly unexpected will be something i. cant think of#so how am is supposed to think it ahead of time#so yeah its. hard#im tryin to stay positive esp bc i know this really was a minor funny one not an actual Problem i caused but#s just a little hard sometimes when it feels like my brain wont cooperate with my no matter how hard i try to think
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listening to my parents talk about me is so fucking funny. "she's dealt with us for so long that at this point she's done. she's mentally checked out from having to give a shit about anyone. can you believe how corruptible she is just because she's almost an adult and she thinks that we're not her problem anymore?"
like man you are literally so close. so fucking close.
#no it's not that ive dealt with everyone for my whole life and now im selfish and dont want to give a shit about anyone anymore#its that ive dealt with everyone my entire life ive been an emotional support pillar ive been rotting in this toxic dysfunctional household#ive been a third parent ive stepped in for my dad when he spontaneously decides to be a deadbeat ive supported my mom without fail#whenever shes needed it for years. ive dealt with everyones fits of mania & psychosis & breakdowns & chronic pain & depressive episodes#ive had my mental illness trivialized and belitted and downplayed. im exhausted and traumatized and so fucking burned out#of course it looks like ive given up on everyone from the outside because im struggling !! im struggling mentally and emotionally#and its spilling out in all the wrong ways and they just see it as me letting my anger ruin my character and everyone else around me#they dont care if theres something wrong with me even though im throwing out signs and cries for help literally wherever i can#they just care that theyre affected by it and inconvenienced by my deteriorating mental condition#they think this mentally ill freak is just what i am at this point and they cant stop emotionally blackmailing me#by reminiscing about how i used to be so kind and optimistic. i wish they would just fucking see me for once#ive played the role of the good emotional support eldest daughter my entire life. why didnt they think it would blow up at some point#and when i have tried opening up in moments of severe emotional vulnerability they just throw it back in my face later on#while simultaneously telling me i just need to change my outlook on life because im still young and cant define myself by childish problems#mom you are depressed and anxious you should recognize it better than anyone. you should be able to see it for what it is#instead of telling me to go spend a week volunteering at a cancer hospital so i can go see what real problems exist for people in the world#and what other people are going through and maybe ill come out with a new appreciation for life#mom just bc people are dying of cancer doesnt mean i can't be depressed just bc other people have it worse doesnt mean i cant have it bad#im so fucking tired!#3 am vent post yippee i am going to regret oversharing on the internet so badly when i wake up tmrw
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having Big Feelings in the tags. you neednt read them, but you should go drink water and stretch your eyes
#makin one of those posts thats all tags bc i need to just do emotions for a sec#98% of the time i fuckin love being aroace. i like how i exist in the world and our flags fucking baller#but wooo boy that 2% of the time (my current state)#nothin makes you stare into space despondently while crying silently like knowing therenothing *wrong* w you per se#but there something fundamental to your existence that means your emotional needs will very likely never be met the way you need them to be#my roommate whom i love with my whole entire soul has their partner over whom i also love with my whole entire soul#and its making me so agonizingly jealous bc i want what they have so badly it actually literaly fucking aches in my chest#i want the banter and the cuddling and the intimacy and the love. the goodnight phonecalls and the undeniable proof that i am loved just#as much as i love and that i am a peiority in someone else's life to the same degree that i prioritize them#but i know i dont get to have that because i cant do it the way almost anybody wants#i want to fall asleep next to someone but i dont want to date. i wont do it. it makes me so uncomfortable#but without performing romance theres almsot no chance ill get to have that kind of deeply intertwined life#and like. i love my friends dearly and deeply. i vall them the loves of my life bc they are#but even those relationships wont get to be like what i want so bad. they all have or want romance and i know how that works#it doesnt matter that they love me too because when you have a partner thats the priority. i get it. its fine.#i dont mind stepping back from my friends to give them room to build the lives they want.#i jusy want somone to want to build a life with *me*#dont mind me in just tired and sad and experiencing the agonies of being 22#theres a part of me that looks at all this and just says 'maybe someday' but ive been living off nothing bu 'someday' most of my life#and im dead fucking tired of it#idk man maybe im just mentally ill and have mommy issues who knows#anyway im going to bed now#if you know me irl and you read all this 1)this is NOT meant to imply youre doing something wrong. not your fault amatonormativity is this#2) ill be fine i just need to sleep and 3) i love you more than i know how to say and i always will no matter what shape our lives take
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fucked up what happened to mike crew.
#i think that and maybe leitner voice debut and the whole dark ritual story arc are some of the only things ive actually really really-#disliked about the podcast#NOT THAT THE LEITNER VOICE DEBUT WAS BAD#i just think that it took away from a lot of the tension that was building however i do love brutal pipe murder#also making the avatars so easy to kill just humanizes them too much to me which i think is the opposite of what was trying to be done#like the put so so so much emphasis on how michael isnt michael anymore he's something else and how jon is slowly losing his humanity#and thats a lot of the horror is losing your humanity#which i understand some avatars are going to be more human than others but yknow#its also a horror podcast#theres something terrifying about living so long being stuck in a not quite human state not being able to go on without feeding your fear#you technically dont have as much autonomy as you think you do and thats terrifying#but that kind of gets lost when you make it so easy to kill some of them#and like didnt jon also...have to go see the flesh to even get bones out of himself like he was having physical issues with?? bleeding??#i dunno#i actually didnt mind gerry's explanation of things#i know some people did but its just as cryptic as any other explanation#like the fears cant really be rationalised whatever you think you know about them is wrong#like he also didnt really know fuck all about anything else jon asked him#you gotta remember he really just wanted to get out of that book as well#“yeah the world changes in terrible ways for YOU. im a book”#“you cant be serious.” “im dead serious”#so realistically with how little gertrude actually told him about any of it and how much he just wanted to get out of the book yknow you#gotta take everything he said with a grain of salt#SORRY FOR RANTING ON MAIN I WAS JUST HAVING THOUGHTS#stickers lore
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well, at 25, i can say so far, adulthood just feels like, even at the absolute best of times, like being a slowly deflating balloon. or maybe like bleeding out from a thousand tiny cuts that never heal. just...... draining. constant draining.
#personal#i have no idea how other people cope with this#idk if i should assume what im feeling is unique or common#bc if its common then im just a failure for not being able to cope like everyone else#and if im unique then either theres something wrong with me#or i just have to suffer forever#or maybe if im lucky (!) i get to spend my life fighting and struggling every single day just to feel normal like everyone else#and this is the rest of my life. this is what i was supposed to be looking forward to.#yippie (!)
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Meow meow still in my head. I pulled out all my old diaries to see if I wrote anything else about that time.
As embarrassing as looking back at 14/15 yrs ago is it's also weird to see how it all turned out? Not just with Sailor Boy but all of them..
How dramatic and intense everything was, I was sooo impulsive. I still am but maybe in different ways. Quitting drinking helped a lot. I should have done it sooner! But reading back haha some of those moments I didn't ever see myself recovering from but now I go to the places I once avoided and have new memories (ty trauma brain for easily wiping the old ones).
What scares me the most is I still struggle so fucking hard with emotional regulation (and interpersonal skills tbh) all this time in therapy I still feel so intensely (or nothing) and I'm scared that this is the time but I am not ready yet?
He seems safe I feel myself wanting to tell him it all. Ugh but even acknowledging letting walls that high down brings a heavy feeling in my chest and teary eyes. I don't know if I can do it.
I'm so fucking scared of not being good enough.
#i hope noone i know still reads tumblr 💀#but idk it feels right updating here.. its where so much started in a way#i think theres something else wrong eith me#or maybe the trauma just piled on quicker than i could heal#it was some fucking rough few years#diary#relationships#sailor boy#what tf is wrong with me#bpd#something else? added on?
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