#mom you are depressed and anxious you should recognize it better than anyone. you should be able to see it for what it is

[diegoshargrieves]

listening to my parents talk about me is so fucking funny. "she's dealt with us for so long that at this point she's done. she's mentally checked out from having to give a shit about anyone. can you believe how corruptible she is just because she's almost an adult and she thinks that we're not her problem anymore?"

like man you are literally so close. so fucking close.

[woah-were-halfway-there]

Just What I Needed: Part 3

A/N: get ready for this freaking rollercoaster. As many of you know, this is the next part in the AFTR series and in typical me fashion, turn out way longer than I intended it to be. Enjoy. ☺️

Thank you my dear @andrei-svech​ for beta reading and listening to me yell about this.

Word Count: 12.8k... ffs

You knew you were awake. You sensed too much going on for you not to be, and yet, you still were unable to open your eyes.

"Do you know how far along she is in her pregnancy?" A female voice you didn't recognize spoke up, sounding much louder than the various beeps and shuffles you also heard.

"14 weeks," Auston replied, his voice husky. The way his voice sounded whenever he was really upset about something. "Closer to 15 weeks now. Do you know what caused this?"

"Fainting isn't uncommon with pregnant women," a male voice stated. "Dehydration, drops in blood pressure, there's a couple of different reasons as to why this could have happened. We won't know for sure, what exactly, until she sees a doctor."

"I'm more concerned over the fact that she hasn't woken up yet," the woman said.

That's when you decided you needed to open your eyes, and as soon as you did, your gaze fell on Auston.

He looked rough, and that's putting it nicely. His hair was messy, it was evident that he'd been running his hands through it like he always does when he's anxious, and his eyes were red and puffy. He was gripping onto your right hand as he watched another man and woman that were also in the small space as they did something off in a corner.

It was then you realized the man and woman were paramedics, and you were lying on a stretcher in an ambulance. Panic didn't take too long settling in after that.

"Auston?" Your voice cracked as you went stiff in realization and immediately gripped onto his hand for reassurance, his gaze moving to you right away. "Wait. Where's Mia?"

You went to sit up, suddenly on high alert after realizing your daughter wasn't with you but had to stop when you felt the now-familiar wave of lightheadedness wash over you again.

"Woah, take it easy, baby," Auston said as he gave you a look, silently pleading that you didn't fight him on this. You didn't. Instead, you slowly laid back down because you trusted that he would answer your question once you weren't so worked up, and he did. "Mia is ok. She's at home with my family. My parents are going to meet us at the hospital once you get checked over. I asked them to stay at the house to make sure Mia was ok after everything."

You nodded in response. What he said made you feel better in a way, but you were unable to keep your emotions from taking over still.

"Did she see me faint?" You asked quietly, blinking back the tears you felt welling up in your eyes as you did.

Auston paused, then sighed.

"She did."

"Shit."

Before Auston could respond again, and you could get too in your thoughts, the female paramedic approached the two of you cautiously and cleared her throat. Once you looked at her, she smiled softly before looking to Auston and nodding.

"Hi, Y/N," she greeted. "How are you feeling?"

"Not great," you admitted as Auston lifted your hand that was still linked with his up to his lips and gently kissed your knuckles. "Tired. Kind of just want to be back home, to be completely honest."

"That's understandable. We're almost at the hospital. As soon as a doctor sees you and makes sure everything is ok, you should be able to go home very soon."

You smiled and nodded at her reassurance.

"Thank you. How long was I passed out for?"

"We weren't very far from your house when we got the call for you," the male paramedic chimed in. "Auston said you fainted, maybe five or six minutes before we got there. So about twenty minutes, give or take."

"Lovely," you sighed, then looked at Auston tiredly.

"You scared the shit out of me," he told you, not in a way to make you feel bad, but to let you know how genuinely worried he was about you. "Mia is probably pissed at me right now."

"Why would she be?"

"When she saw you faint, she was worried about you, but I panicked. I asked Bre to take her out of the room so she wouldn't have to see you like that, and she was so upset, babe. She was still crying when we left the house."

Your heart broke hearing that. Not only at the thought of Mia being upset after seeing you faint, but also how hard the entire situation must've been on Auston and his family.

"I'm sorry," you whispered, not being able to stop the tears welling in your eyes again. "I-I should've just gone to the hospital earlier when my doctor said she couldn't get me in until tomorrow. I knew something was wrong. I had that feeling, fuck!"

"Y/N, you had no way of knowing this is what would happen. Please don't be so hard on yourself," he reasoned with you while giving your hand another little squeeze. "I, uh, I kind of dropped a bomb on everyone too."

"What do you mean?"

"I'm sorry. I know this isn't how we wanted anyone to find out, but, in my panicked state, my mom was trying to calm me down, and without even thinking, I told her that you were pregnant again."

"To be fair, it's best that you did because we needed to know to be able to tend to her properly," the male paramedic spoke up again. "And, sorry to interrupt, but we are approaching the hospital."

"You ready?" Auston asked and reached towards you to gently push your hair out of your face. He then tried to give you a reassuring smile, although you could easily see through his facade.

It was apparent that he was as anxious as you were, but he had already been so brave and strong for you. The least you could do was be the same for him.

"As long as I have you by my side, I'm ready for anything."

Once you were taken into the hospital, it wasn't long before you were seeing a doctor. She was a lovely woman, but you couldn't help but feel a little uncomfortable because you hated going to the hospital. You much preferred going to your own doctor. You always felt comfortable with her regardless of the situation, whereas anything else felt foreign. But luckily, you had Auston there.

At first, the E.R. doctor was a little confused by what would've caused your fainting. She was able to see how your last doctor's appointment went and that you seemed to be in perfect health. She then read how low your blood pressure was from when the paramedics checked it in the ambulance while you were still passed out. That was pretty concerning.

She explained to you and Auston that your fainting could've been caused by Dehydration, which was most common, but she wanted to test your blood to see if anything else came up. And sure enough, something did.

The doctor was able to get you a rapid test, so about half an hour after she finished taking some blood, she came back into the room and explained that your blood had a lower than average amount of red blood cells, which is tied to iron deficiency. In other words, you were diagnosed with anemia.

Being told that absolutely terrified you. It was the last thing you wanted to hear, and with the way Auston was physically pale when you glanced over at him, you could tell he was feeling the same way.

However, the doctor then explained how your anemia was more than likely just related to your pregnancy. It was more than likely that it would no longer be an issue once your baby was born, but it did pose some possible negative effects on the baby if not treated properly.

Your chances of having a premature birth, a baby with low birth weight, as well as postpartum depression, were much higher because of this. Again, not something you or Auston wanted to hear, but the doctor quickly said how the addition of an iron supplement with your prenatal vitamins should help keep things relatively at bay. She said it was likely that you may still feel dizziness, fatigue and other symptoms at times throughout your pregnancy, but keeping your iron levels up would help that. She then told you to see your doctor still the following day and said to take things easy before running a quick ultrasound to check on the baby.

Roughly an hour and a half after you arrived at the hospital, you were allowed to finally go back home, which was the best news you'd heard all night.

Not many words were exchanged between you and Auston as the two of you sat in the waiting room until his parents got there to pick you both up. There wasn't much that could be said. The two of you were still processing everything you had just been told, and it was a damn hard pill to swallow. So, instead of talking about it, the two of you sat in silence. You leaned against each other for the support neither of you could give verbally at the time.

The moment Ema and Brian entered the emergency room, you broke down. You knew, as a mother herself, Ema would understand how you were feeling, and it was not long before she was rushing over to you and Auston, then pulling you into her embrace.

Auston was the one to explain the news as you just cried it out a little bit, while Ema let you hold onto her. She kept assuring that everything was going to be ok, but for the first time in a long time, you were almost positive it wasn't.

That feeling of dread you already had was much more prominent than before, and now Auston was feeling something similar as well.

You both apologized to his parents for them finding out about the new baby the way that they did, but Brian quickly shut that down by telling you and Auston that it didn't matter how they found out. All that mattered was that you were ok, and so was the baby.

Neither of you could argue with that, and soon after, the four of you agreed it was time to go home and headed to the car.

When you all got back to the house, you were surprised to learn that Mia was asleep. It was close to an hour before her usual bedtime, but after you and Auston walked through the front and entered the living room, you found her passed out while laying against Alex on the couch.

"She just fell asleep," Auston's older sister spoke quietly as she greeted you both with a small smile and started gently rubbing Mia's head. "She was so exhausted. I didn't have the heart even to try to keep her awake."

"No, it's ok. Thank you," you replied softly, but before you could say anything else, Bre was bursting into the room and pulling you into a hug.

"Oh, my god, Y/N," she said as you hugged her back, then pulled away to look at you again. "How are you feeling? Are you alright?"

"Better now that I'm home with you guys," you told her, then bent down to pet Frank, who was looking up at you excitedly.

As you talked with her, Auston hung both of your coats up in the foyer's closet before coming back into the living room and gently picking up Mia.

Even in her sleeping state, Mia cuddled right up against her dad as he held her against his chest and your heart swelled when he turned back to look at you and Bre.

"I'll go put her to bed," he whispered, trying hard not to wake her up. But, before he walked past you and Bre, he stopped when he saw you looking at Mia. You smiled at him thankfully, because you knew that he stopped so you could kiss Mia goodnight, like you always did.

When you looked at her all snuggled in Auston's arms as she slept, you could feel yourself getting emotional. Immediately, you noticed how her eyes were still a little wet from what you assumed was her crying, which absolutely broke your heart. You hated that with everything you went through that night, Mia also suffered from it and some way. However, as you felt yourself beginning to get worked up over it, you took a deep breath to let yourself calm down, then leaned in to push some of Mia's little curls away from her face and placed a soft peck on her forehead.

"Goodnight, baby girl," you said quietly, then looked to Auston before reaching up to peck his lips too. "I love you."

"And I love you," he responded before kissing you again then glancing at his two sisters. "I'll be right back."

You watched him leave the room, then you and Bre joined Alex on the couch and began properly catching up, seeing as you hadn't been able to do that yet.

The two of them, along with Ema and Brian, were thrilled about the news about you being pregnant, which you knew they would be, but you were still really bummed over how they found out about their new family member. However, no one dwelled on that at all or pressed you about what you were told at the hospital. Instead, you were able to cuddle on the couch with your husband as you watched ELF with his family before eventually calling it a night.

~*~

The following day, Christmas Eve Eve, was rather hectic. But not necessarily in a bad way.

When you woke up, no one else was awake yet. The house was quiet, and there was no sound coming from Mia's room through the monitor. All that could be heard was the small breaths Auston let out as he slept next to you and the groan Frank made as he shifted his position from where he laid at the end of your bed.

Everything was peaceful and felt right. It was exactly what you needed after everything that happened the night before, but that soon changed.

As you waited for a sign of someone else being awake, you reached over to grab your phone from where it rested on your bedside table and opened up Twitter. You were scrolling for all of three seconds before realizing that 'Auston Matthews' was trending.

Curious about what could be trending regarding your husband, you clicked on a thread to see what it was all about. Surprisingly, a lot of it was about you.

It turned out that your trip to the hospital the night before didn't go unnoticed. A handful of tweets said how you and Auston were seen at Toronto Western Hospital, including one saying how the two of you arrived in an ambulance and how you were on a stretcher.

The majority of the tweets were people commenting, wondering what happened, and wishes that everything was ok. But, there were also some downright mean ones. Some people commented on your appearance, saying that you looked awful and how you were lucky to be Canadian; otherwise, Auston would've probably been covering the hospital bill.

Usually, you never paid attention to anything that was being said about you. These people knew nothing about your life and were indeed in no position to be saying anything, which you knew, but reading those things made you feel like shit. And you hated that you were actually letting them get to you.

But, soon enough, someone diverted your attention.

"Baby?" Auston asked, sounding very sleepy as he shifted next to you but still managing to make you jump at the sudden noise. "Everything alright?"

"Oh, uh, yeah," you lied and quickly closed out of the app before moving to face him. "Everything's fine."

"Are you sure? You seem a little flustered."

"Yes, babe, it's nothing to worry about."

"Ok," he responded unsurely, but dropped it as he subtly wrapped his arm around your waist then pulled towards him forcefully.

"Auston!" You gasped as you gripped onto his shoulder with one hand and bicep with the other so you could balance yourself out, but quickly realized he did that so you'd be hovering over him with very little space between the two of you. "Smooth."

"Always," he replied with a smirk, then began placing kisses along your shoulder, collarbone and neck.

He didn't stop until he reached your jawline and was able to see how much what he was doing affected you in the best way possible as your eyes fluttered close and you leaned into his touch. Feeling rather smug with himself, he then put his arm around your waist again and quickly flipped the two of you over so that your back would be on the mattress and he would be on top.

As soon as you looked up at him, he gave you a playful smirk and was about to continue, but then a noise began filling the room.

"Mama?" Mia's voice sounded through the monitor resting on Auston's bedside table as you and him both froze and looked towards the device. Sounds of shuffling and the odd grumble could be heard, making it rather apparent that your daughter was awake, but then she started crying. "Mommy!"

"Shit," you and Auston said at the same time as you both scrambled off the bed then rushed down the hall to Mia's bedroom, even gaining enough of Frank's attention that he followed after the two of you.

Once you pushed open the door to Mia's bedroom, you found her standing up in her crib, sniffling as she cried and tiredly rubbing at her eyes. Without a second thought, you beelined right for her and picked her up, making sure to give her a comforting squeeze as she immediately clung to you.

"It's ok, sweetheart. I'm here," you soothed as you began gently rubbing her back. "Mommy's here."

"Where go, mama?" She asked as she leaned against your shoulder and hugged you closer, then looked to where Auston was standing nearby but said nothing more.

"I just needed to go see a doctor, Mia. But it's ok. I won't leave you again, ok? I promise."

"Ok."

Auston watched the two of you interact and couldn't help but smile. He loved that you and Mia loved so much. Seeing the two most important girls in his life being as lovey and soft as you and Mia were made him feel all types of ways. You both were his entire world, and he was content just seeing a moment like that forever if he could, but then he remembered all that had to be done that day.

"Hey, Mini," he spoke up and reached towards her. "Why don't we go brush our teeth, then go eat breakfast?"

"No, daddy," she stated firmly as he went to take her from your hold, but she held onto you even tighter, instead. "I stay with mommy."

Both you and Auston were shocked by this. It was probably the first time Mia had ever just flat out denied any type of snuggles from her dad, and it was just so strange to see. Without even voicing it, you and Auston gave each other a look as if to say you knew she was giving him the cold shoulder because of what happened the night prior.

It sucked because you knew that your daughter didn't understand what was going on and that she still wouldn't even if you tried to explain it all right then in there. Telling Mia about pregnancy and how she was going to be a big sister soon had to be a gradual thing. So, with one more glance at each other and a slight nod, you and Auston silently agreed to just move on from the subject.

"Why don't we all go brush our teeth, and then I'll make you some pancakes, little miss," you suggested and kissed her head. "We have a long day ahead of us."

And you really did.

After the three of you got ready to go downstairs, Auston's family helped the two of you cook a huge breakfast for you all to eat. It was a great way to start off the day, but soon after, Auston had to leave for practice in preparation for the Leafs game that night.

Once he was gone, you planned to see your doctor, then pick up your family from the airport before you all were supposed to go to the game together. You were really excited, and Mia didn't leave your side for any of it.

Your doctor's appointment ended up being ok. You were told more about your anemia condition based on the doctor's bloodwork done at the hospital during it. Once that was established, your doctor then recommended some iron supplements for you to take with your prenatal vitamins and explained how she'd be checking your blood pressure very closely at every appointment from then on.

She also took time to check in with you and how you were doing. Her main question was if you'd been in contact with your therapist at all lately, to which you replied with how you talked to your therapist at least once a month still, but more frequently if you felt the need to. Your doctor was happy to hear that. She was the one that recommended you to your therapist almost ten years ago when you were a teenager, after all. You first met your therapist when you were seventeen and had been going to her ever since.

Then your doctor went on to tell you how she hoped you continued going to therapy, especially if everything going on with your pregnancy or just life, in general, was too much. You promised her that you would, and your appointment concluded soon after.

Having a conversation like that usually would make you uncomfortable. But since it was your doctor, the one you'd been going to since you were a kid, it made it all a lot easier. Having Mia and Ema there for moral support helped, too, especially with Auston being at practice.

Once you were done there, it was time to head to the airport and finally see your family.

Since the summer of 2017, when you and Auston had been dating for about six months, you've been the only one of your family that still lived in the Greater Toronto Area, and even then, you were only there during hockey season and a little bit at the end of offseason. You and your family loved Toronto. You always have.

Growing up, you lived in a small town on the outskirts of the GTA, then moved to downtown Toronto in 2015 when you were 18 and starting school at UofT. A year later, your younger sister Mya moved to Vancouver to begin school at UBC, then a year after that, Nate, the baby of the family, regardless of him only being two years younger than you, moved to Montreal. As your brother was in the process of moving, a job opportunity came up for your dad in B.C. and soon after, he was moving out west as well.

However, Ontario has always been home to your family. Every year at Christmas time, your family always finds a way to be together for the holiday season and continue your tradition of going on your annual skiing/snowboarding trip.

Two years prior, while you were still very pregnant with Mia, you all went to Mont-Tremblant in Quebec. The year after, during Mia's first Christmas season, everyone was in Vancouver for a few days, but now it was time for your family to be back home again, and you were so ready.

Although you kept in constant contact with your family when you weren't with them, it wasn't even comparable to how you felt when you were all together, so to say you were excited as you drove to the airport to pick them up would've been an understatement.

After your doctor's appointment, you took Ema back to the house just as Auston was getting home from practice, then headed to the airport with Mia to see your family.

You were holding Mia as you waited at the gates, telling her how her grandpa, auntie Mya and uncle Nate would all be there very soon and couldn't keep the tears from welling in your eyes when you saw them walking through the gate with their luggage. Mia started squirming in your hold excitedly, and for the first time that day, she bolted away from you as soon as you set her down and beelined towards your dad.

"Pa!"

"Ah, there's my girl!" He greeted as he let go of his suitcase, then leaned down to pick Mia up. "How are you, Miss Amelia?"

"Good," Mia replied with a smile, then hugged him tightly. "Christmas!"

"Yes, Merry Christmas!"

"Uh, excuse me, what are you still doing over there?" Mya said to you and held her arms open so the two of you could hug. "Hey, babe. Missed you."

"I missed you more," you told your little sister as you squeezed her, then pulled back to see Nate looking at you expectantly.

"Ehm," he cleared his throat and opened his arms too. "Are you forgetting about your favourite brother?"

"You're saying that like I have many choices in the matter," you told him with a pointed look, then moved away from Mya to go hug your brother too. "Missed you too, kid."

"Tee!" Mia then squealed as she reached towards Mya and Nate shortly after.

"Mia!" They exclaimed excitedly as they took her from your dad's hold, then you were able to hug him too.

"Hi, Dad," you smiled as he held you close for a minute.

"Hi, sport. How're you feeling?" He asked, making you smile hearing the nickname he's called you for as long as you could remember, but then gave him a knowing look.

"Auston told you, didn't he?"

"He called me while you were in the ambulance last night," your dad replied, then glanced at Mya and Nate as they started bickering over who was going to hold Mia and lowered his voice. "Congratulations, kiddo. Auston also filled me in on what the doctor said. I want you to know that we're all going to be here to help out if you need it, especially with Mia. Those two still don't know. I haven't said anything either. I figured you wanted to tell them about Mia's little sibling your own way."

"I do," you told him. "I wanted to tell you and Auston's family differently too, but I'm glad Aus called you when everything happened. I want to tell Mya and Nate tomorrow when we're with Mitchy and Steph too for Christmas."

"Fair enough, I'm sure they'll give you shit."

"I'd expect nothing less."

You then drove your family to where they'd be staying for the next two days. Usually, they'd stay at your house. Even with Auston's family, there was still room for the three of them, but this year, they stayed with Alice, your dad's girlfriend. You have adored Alice since you met her during your first Christmas with Auston as boyfriend and girlfriend back in 2017. Sadly, your mom passed away when you were thirteen, and it took years for your dad even to begin putting himself out there again in the dating pool. He always stressed to you, Mya and Nate that no one could ever replace your mother, which the three of you knew. Still, you all also understood that he was lonely and with the fact that he had given the three of you the world, the least you owed him was to not get in the way of him possibly finding happiness again.

Even with that, it took seven years after your mother's passing for him to find someone even worth considering bringing around his kids. However, Alice was amazing. You and your siblings have loved her since you met her, and now six years later are all still very glad to have her in your lives.

Your dad and Alice began their relationship shortly after he moved to Vancouver. They had worked together in Toronto a couple of years earlier until she moved to B.C., and they just so happened to cross paths again. However, Alice's family still lives in the GTA but vacation in Florida every winter.

This year, for a Christmas gift, you, Auston, Mya, Mya's boyfriend Seth, Nate and his girlfriend Sydney all pitched in so your dad and Alice could go to Florida for a few weeks and visit with her family a bit while they were there. The six of you told them what their gift was early, so they were prepared, seeing as the flight was booked for Christmas Day, and then your dad and Alice ended up booking a little beach house to stay in during those three weeks that had three extra rooms. Unfortunately, Seth and Sydney were unable to join, and the plan was for you and Mia to go for a week as well, but you decided against it because of how poorly you'd been feeling and lied, saying it was because you were swarmed with work.

Your dad understood and now gets it even more since he knows of your pregnancy, but Mya and Nate thought you were full of shit.

However, the timing was still perfect.

Alice arrived in Toronto the night before and was staying at her relatives' vacant home, which had more than enough room for your dad, Mya and Nate to stay at as well. The four of them were joining you, Mia, Auston's family and Steph in a box you booked at SBA to watch the game that night. The next day, everyone, including Mitch, Steph, and your cousin Chris, trekked up to Collingwood to stay at Blue Mountain Village and continue your family's snowboarding tradition during the holidays. Even Auston's family was joining, and you were so excited to have the most important people in your life around this Christmas. Late on Christmas Day, your dad, Alice, Nate and Mya were all to catch a late flight to Tampa and begin their vacation.

You were pretty excited about it all but more so happy to share your news about the new little babe you were growing with the loved ones who didn't find out because you fainted.

After a brief visit with Alice, you told your family you'd see them at the game, then you and Mia headed back home again. Auston was there once you arrived, and it wasn't long until he and Mia were having a quick nap on the couch together while Alex and Bre took Frank for a walk, and you chatted with Brian and Ema in the kitchen.

The rest of the afternoon was pretty chill, but soon enough, Auston had to leave to get to the arena, and the rest of you had to start getting ready to go there as well.

Before you went to the arena, you got yourself and Mia all dressed up in your matching Matthews jerseys and Maple Leafs Santa hats before you joined everyone else downstairs and headed out. But not without getting a few pictures taken in front of your massive Christmas tree first.

Your evening at the Leafs game was nothing short of amazing, even though you most definitely felt a little tired.

You loved every moment of being able to cheer on your man and the other guys with both your family and Auston's together. The fact that they all got along meant the absolute world to you, too, and your time at the game was just really enjoyable. Steph came and watched the game with all of you. Still, the two of you dipped for a few minutes during the third period because other wives and girlfriends of players who were also present at the game wanted to get one last group picture before the New Year—seeing as everyone got pretty messy at the girl's Christmas party a couple of weeks earlier. You were sober for that, and even you still looked like a hot mess.

After the game, you all waited for Auston and Mitch before heading home. The guys you saw as they walked by were all in good moods after the win they'd just got, but all stopped and made sure to say hi to you, Mia and Steph as they passed.

A couple of minutes later, Auston and Mitch entered the hallway at the same time and lit right up when they saw everyone. But then you observed as Mitchy glanced at Auston briefly then started racing towards where you stoop with Mia.

"Hi, Meems!" Your cousin said excitedly as he picked his goddaughter up and made her start giggling like crazy as she hugged him. He then smiled at you and gave Steph a quick peck before turning to face your dad, Mya and Nate and greeted them excitedly, still holding onto Mia.

"Why must everyone just steal our daughter before I even get the chance to see her?" Auston grumbled teasingly as he came up beside you and smoothly wrapped his arm around your waist to pull you in for a kiss, then leaned down to smirk at you. "Hi."

"Hi, yourself," you smiled back, then leaned against him. "To be fair, Mitch was just faster than you there."

"I can honestly say I wasn't expecting him to break out into a sprint just to get to her first."

"Would you expect anything less, though?" Steph asked with a chuckle from where she stood beside you, then resumed her conversation with Alex.

"Valid point," Auston said with a nod, then kissed your head before moving away and walking towards your family. "Time to visit my favourite in-laws."

You felt as though your heart could burst watching him interact with your family, even feeling yourself getting a little teary-eyed as you observed them. Sure, it was more than likely the pregnancy hormones, but you were also just so freaking happy. Moments like this made you forget about everything else going on, and you loved it.

It seemed that Ema noticed this too because a few short moments later, she was standing next to you, nudging your shoulder with hers and smiling before pulling you in for a little side hug.

Shortly after that, everyone grouped together to discuss the plans for Christmas Eve and then soon called it a night. You hugged Mitch, Steph and your family goodbye, telling them you'd see them tomorrow at Blue Mountain before heading to the parking lot with Auston, Mia and his family, still smiling because everything just felt right. And you really needed that.

~*~

Everyone was awake early in the Matthews house the following day, full of excitement for Christmas Eve and for what the day's events entailed before embarking on the almost two-hour drive to the ski resort.

You, Mia, Auston and his family were the first ones to arrive at Blue Mountain out of the entire group and immediately started getting settled into your accommodations. Your little family of three had a room to yourselves, with Alex and Bre in the room across the hall and Auston's parents in the one next door on the left. The room next door on the right was going to be where Mitch, Steph and Chris stayed and had a conjoining door that could be opened up to connect the two rooms. It was pretty obvious those two rooms would be where everyone was hanging out later that evening. But further down the hall were the two rooms your dad and Alice, Nate and Mya would be staying in.

About an hour later was when everyone else began arriving.

Mitch claimed they took forever because when they stopped by his parents' house to drop off Zeus, your aunt Bonnie just wouldn't stop talking. She had to catch up with Nate and Mya right then and there even though she would be seeing them and your dad the next day for Christmas. You understood, though, because when you were talking to her that morning as you dropped off Frank, lucky that she agreed to watch him for the night, the two of you talked for quite a bit, so you could only imagine how badly she wanted to speak with your brother and sister who haven't been back in town for months.

Once everyone was settled, Nate, Mya, Mitch, Chris, and Steph were dead set on getting to the slopes to begin your family's tradition properly, and that's when you started panicking. When you didn't start getting ready right away, they knew something was up, and the fact that you stayed quiet confirmed that even more.

"Y/N, why aren't you getting ready?" Nate asked as he peaked his head through the doorway connecting yours and Mitch's room.

"I, uh, I think I might sit this one out, guys," you replied sheepishly. To be completely honest, you didn't know if it was safe to snowboard while pregnant or not. Sure, you were pretty good at snowboarding and didn't think you'd wipe out, but that didn't mean there still wasn't a chance that you could and end up causing harm to yourself and your baby.

"Excuse me?" Chris said before sticking his head through the doorway too. "The hell do you mean you 'might sit this one out', Y/N?"

"Well, I-."

"It's tradition," Mya cut you off from where she sat on the couch in your's and Auston's room.

"I, I don't know," you responded. "I guess I can go down one hill, but maybe just an intermediate one and no racing."

"That's no fun," Nate groaned dramatically before disappearing out of sight.

"Babe," Auston spoke up from where he stood a couple of feet away, putting on Mia's snow pants and coat. "Are you sure that's a good idea?"

He then gave you a look, silently asking you to reconsider because you knew he'd be stressing out the entire time you were up on that hill.

"I think if I stick to an easy hill, I'll be fine, Aus," you explained to him softly so no one else besides Bre and Alex, who were sitting next to you, would hear. "If I was earlier in my pregnancy, I wouldn't even consider it, but I'm 15 weeks, babe, and not to sound cocky, but I don't think I'm going to wipe out."

"But-."

"I promise I'll only do one. If I didn't feel well enough to do it or was worried, I wouldn't. Ok?"

"Ok," he sighed and nodded in agreement. "But if something happens, babe."

"Try not to think about it like that," you replied and stood up to walk towards him and Mia. "Have a little faith in my skills."

"I do. And I mean, you're definitely better at snowboarding than I am."

"That's because you're my Desert Boy," you told him, then leaned down to peck his lips before he could say anything else, smirking because you knew he hated when you called him that.

"Why do you only want to do an intermediate hill?" Mitch asked as he strolled into the room but stopped briefly to compliment Mia on her puffy pink coat before looking back at you. "Pretty sure last year you said, and I quote, 'it's too easy. Where's the challenge?' Right?"

You didn't know how to respond. There was no way you were just flat out going to say it was because you were pregnant, and you struggled coming up with an excuse. But luckily for you, Bre saved your ass.

"It's because us Arizonians aren't used to this, and Y/N promised she wouldn't show us up," Auston's younger sister spoke up, then winked at you.

"Thank you," you told her quietly.

"Ok, that's fair," Nate replied and came into the room too. "The Canadians have a bit of an advantage here, I guess."

"Speak for yourself," Steph scoffed from the other room. "The only reason I'm no longer afraid of the ski lift is because you all have dragged me on it so many times now."

"You and me both, Steph," Auston piped in, then stood up from his kneeling position in front of Mia. "Wow, Mini, you look great. Are you ready to go on the mountain coaster?"

"Yeah!" Your daughter replied excitedly, then ran into the other room.

"I guess we shouldn't keep her waiting," Alex suggested, to which everyone agreed with, and you all soon made your way outside.

Once the group of you were all dressed for the cold, you went down to the resort lobby and dispersed. The kids made their way to the ski hills while Ema and Brian wandered around the village with your dad and Alice.

As soon as you arrived at the foot of the hill with all of your gear, Auston asked if you were sure you would be ok doing this, and you assured him that you would be.

You then made your way over to the ski lift and braced yourself for what was to come. Mia stayed at the bottom of the hill with Alex, but not without cheering you and Auston on, of course.

"Go, mommy! Go, daddy!" She called after the two of you and waved with Alex as she watched you go.

You then got on one of the ski lift chairs with Auston and Bre and waited patiently to be taken up to the top. Once you got off the lift and everyone was grouped together, you, Nate, Mya, Mitch and Chris all took your annual hilltop cousin group picture, as well as some others.

There were some nice photos taken of you with your siblings, a couple with Steph, as well as a few with Bre. Nate managed to capture a typical picture of you and Mitch where he was laughing, and you looked like you were ready to throat punch him. But your favourite photo was one that Bre took.

As everyone was figuring out which hill they wanted to go on after this one, you shuffled over to Auston, then wrapped your arms around his waist and leaned against his chest as you waited. He responded by wrapping his arms around your middle too so that he could hold you close. Then he leaned his head on top of yours and looked down towards the bottom of the hill. Steph then went over to Bre and pointed out the cute little moment happening between you and Auston, and your sister-in-law was quick at snapping a picture so that the moment would be saved forever.

Shortly after that, you all snowboarded down the hill. Mitch and Nate showed off a bit, and Auston tried to but got a little shaky in doing so. You made it to the bottom without issue but didn't want to risk going down again because, realistically, you didn't know what could happen out there and would much rather be safe than sorry.

The rest of them went down different ski trails while you hung out with Mia and let Alex have a turn going up the hill as well. As you and Mia waited, you noticed the rental spot for skis and snowboards, and since there wasn't much else to do, you decided to go rent a tiny snowboard for Mia to see how she would take to the activity.

After you got her all geared up and standing on the board, you started pulling her around.

"Look at you go, Mia, you're a natural," you told her with a smile.

"Look at me, go!" She repeated while giggling as she continued staying firm in her standing position while you pulled the rope attached to the board.

About twenty minutes later, you found a very tiny pile of snow that barely had a slope, but it was still something and gave you an idea.

"Alright, babe, want to try all by yourself?" You asked and looked down at your daughter. She didn't answer you. Instead, she just looked up at you unsurely. "It's going to be ok, sweets. I won't let you fall."

"Ok, mama," she replied hesitantly but did not indicate that she didn't trust you.

You then pulled her up the small snowbank and positioned her at the top where the slope began. Once you were done doing that, you crouched down next to Mia so that the two of you would be face to face.

"Are you ready?" You asked and couldn't help but smile as she lit right up and nodded.

"Yeah!"

"Ok, give me five," you replied and held out your hand, which she quickly smacked her mitten-covered hand against in attempts to give you a high-five. "Full send?"

"Full send, mommy!"

At that, you chuckled, then leaned over to kiss her head before shuffling down the slope. Once you reached where the rope ended, you looked at your daughter again before grabbing it and started tugging slightly.

Once Mia was over the edge of where the slope began, you let go of the rope and let her slide down all on her own. You shuffled down the hill backwards, making sure to be there if she did fall, but she made it to the bottom without issue and was so proud of herself.

"Woah!" She gasped and looked at you, excitedly.

"Good job, baby!" You told her, but loud cheering and hollering sounded from nearby before you could say anything else.

"Shred-it, Mia!" Nate exclaimed, making you look over to see everyone approaching the two of you again, all of them grinning widely.

"Good job, Mini!" Auston beamed as he was the first to reach you, then quickly scooped up Mia and held her close. "And here I thought you might act more Arizonian than Ontarian."

"Well, she was born here," Mitchy argued. "Don't downplay her half-Canadianness."

"She's already better at snowboarding than I am," Alex added in, making everyone laugh.

"Pretty soon, she's going to show all of us up," Chris stated.

Mia couldn't stop smiling while being surrounded by all of her people and hearing their compliments. Shortly after that, Mitchy pulled her back up to the top of the snowbank so she could go down once more, then you all headed back into the resort to warm up and get ready to go find the rest of the family.

A couple of hours later, after the whole group got together for dinner, everyone was gathered in your and Auston's room just hanging out. Your room was pretty big, but with Mitch and Steph's room being connected, it allowed much more space, and no one was cramped.

No one stayed dressed up for this. You all changed into comfy clothes without having the need to impress anyone but still managed to pull off a surprise when yours and Auston's family arrived at your room to find you, him and Mia all dressed in matching Christmas pyjamas.

Everyone then started sipping on some alcoholic beverages, minus you and Mia, of course, and as the night progressed, you started feeling more and more ready to tell the rest of your family that you were pregnant again.

Your siblings, Mitch, Steph and Chris, were all aware that you hadn't been feeling well lately, and they never pressed you about it, even though they didn't know why. They knew that whatever wasn't making you feel well was more than just one thing, but they knew you'd tell them when you were ready to. So, when you expressed that you didn't want to drink that night, none of them gave you a hard time even though Steph had a gut feeling about something.

It eventually got to the point where you just didn't want to wait any longer. You were having so much fun with the people you loved the most and were unable to keep your secret anymore.

You subtly made your way over to where Auston was standing, holding Mia as he talked with Chris in the corner of the room by the Christmas tree, and wasted no time cuddling right up next to him.

"Hi, mommy," Mia greeted, noticing you before anyone else but soon had Auston turning to look over his shoulder, smiling as soon as he saw you.

"Hey, babe," Auston said and welcomed your cuddles.

"Sorry to interrupt," you stated, then looked to your cousin, who also just smiled in return while watching you, Auston and Mia together.

"You didn't interrupt," Chris replied. "But I'll be right back. I'm going to go grab another drink."

Once it was just your little family of three, you looked up to Auston and bit down on your bottom lip while trying to contain the massive grin you could feel forming.

"What's up?" Your husband asked, knowing that you were getting excited about something.

"I want to tell them."

"Right now?"

"Yeah," you answered. "I think I'm ready."

"Then I'm ready, too," he stated, which made you feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

"What are you three over there talking about?" Mya spoke up as she approached the three of you.

With one final glance at Auston, the two of you nodded at each other, then you moved away from him slightly so that you could both face everyone else.

"Well, there's something that we wanted to tell all of you," you told Mya but managed to capture everyone else's attention too.

"Wait!" You heard Mitch yell from the other room, then a moment later, he was bursting through the doorway and letting out a dramatic breath. "Ok, proceed."

You smiled and braced yourself for what was to come.

When it came to announcing your pregnancy with Mia, it was all a little chaotic and nothing was planned well. Which was fine, but you wanted the announcing of this little bean to be more fun and exciting. Unfortunately, that plan was partially ruined when you fainted in front of Auston's family, but you knew they were excited and knew that your family would be just as stoked, which is why you wanted to get creative with how you told them.

Growing up, for the longest time, you didn't really understand pregnancy, seeing as you were so young when your mom was pregnant with both Mya and Nate. You were never able to remember who put that idea in your head, but you used to believe how a woman got pregnant was by eating a watermelon seed, and then a baby grew in their belly because of it. Eventually, you grew out of that and understood what it actually meant to become pregnant, but your family has never let you live it down.

When you showed Mya and Nate your pregnant belly when you were expecting Mia, one of the first things your brother asked was if you ate watermelon, and it's also just something members of your family will always bring up just to tease you about.

You told Auston this story when he was confused by why so many people talked about watermelon as you were pregnant the first time, and he found it absolutely hilarious. His family did, too, so you thought that would be a fun thing to incorporate into announcing this pregnancy.

A couple of weeks prior was when you attempted to tell Mia about how she would be a big sister in a few months. She didn't understand, and both you and Auston knew you'd both have to be gradual and patient when it came to helping her understand what that meant. After you told her, she asked how you were pregnant, and before you could even say anything, Auston told her that you ate watermelon and you wanted to die of embarrassment because you knew that was just something you'd never be able to live down.

"The anticipation is killing me," Steph spoke up, snapping you from your train of thought but also making you grin even wider than before.

"Mini, can you tell everyone what your mommy ate?" Auston asked your daughter as he looked down at her, then pointed to her tummy so that she'd understand what he was referring to.

"Mommy ate watermelon," she said casually, then jumped when a series of excited gasps sounded from around the room.

"SHUT UP!" Nate was the first to say something, making Auston's family and your dad laugh, while everyone else looked at you completely flabbergasted.

"Are you kidding?" Mya asked and stepped even closer. "This isn't some kind of sick joke, is it?"

"It's not," you confirmed, your voice cracking as you let out a small laugh and started crying as your sister engulfed you in a tight hug.

Soon enough, another pair of arms were wrapping around you and Mya, holding you both tightly as they did so. They laid their head right on top of yours with ease, and a deep laugh rippled through their chest. You knew it had to be your brother.

"This is insane. Congratulations, Y/N," Nate said.

"Meems, you're going to be a big sister!" Mitchy told Mia as he took her from Auston's arms so your brother and sister could move on to congratulating him too. Once he had Mia, he looked at you and shook his head but had the biggest smile as he pulled you in for a hug. "Congrats, twin. Oh, my god."

"I knew something was up!" Steph squealed as she tackled you in a hug next. "Please, I'm so happy for you, babe."

You then received a hug from both Chris and Alice after that, who were extremely happy for you and Auston. Shortly after that, Ema ran to her room to bring back bottles of wine for everyone to crack into for a congratulatory toast kind of thing. She made sure to give you a glass of sparkling cider instead as everyone cheered on your growing family, making you even more emotional as you leaned into Auston's chest as a way to hide the fact that you were bawling your eyes out.

Later that night, after everyone had wandered off to bed, you and Auston were still awake wrapping the Christmas gifts you brought to give to your loved ones in the morning. Mia was passed out on her little travel bed on the other side of the room next to yours and Auston's bed, while the two of you were all giggly and teasing with each other as you attempted to get everything done.

Auston was a little buzzed from the alcohol he consumed earlier, and even though you were sober, you just fed off his energy, and the two of you were just having a lot of fun.

"Would you quiet down?" You whispered after he made a particularly cheeky but loud comment. "You're going to wake Mia up."

"It's Christmas, babe," he replied as he stuck his tongue out at you. "Loosen up a bit."

You rolled your eyes at him but still smiled as he leaned over to change the song that was softly playing from his phone nearby. Whenever Mia was going to sleep, she always preferred to listen to music as she did. So, you and Auston made a little playlist she listens to fall asleep to every night that's made up of very soft and soothing music and songs that you both love.

Even after Mia fell asleep, the two of you left the music on so it would somewhat cover up your voices as you did your wrapping. It just all very much so fit the vibe of the two of you still in your matching pj's talking with each other as you sat on the ground next to the Christmas tree seeing as that was the only light source you could use in the room without waking up your daughter.

The intro notes of Lover by Taylor Swift started playing next, and Auston let out a pleased sigh as he looked back at you.

"Ah, Miss Swift," he said, then gave you a look.

"What?" You asked and narrowed your gaze at him.

"Can I not just admire my beautiful wife?"

"You can, but I know the look you're giving me. It's the one you give when you want something. So, what is it?"

"You know me well," he told you then smirked, before extending a hand towards you. "Dance with me."

At that, you chuckled a little bit, but then Auston stood up and kept his hand extended as he looked at you expectantly.

"Wait, are you serious?" You asked, surprised.

"Why wouldn't I be?"

You didn't know how to respond. You were so caught off guard but soon found yourself slowly reaching for his hand and letting him help you stand back up. Once you were upright, you then let him pull you in close and rested your head on his chest as the two of you began swaying to the music.

As you did this, you couldn't help but think about dancing with him like this at your wedding that happened a year and a half prior. That was one of the happiest days of your life. Dancing with him at that moment next to the Christmas Tree made you feel like that all over again, and you soon found yourself snuggling closer to him as he began humming along to the lyrics.

No words were exchanged. There was no need for them to be. The two of you were in your own little world and just wanted to stay there for a while longer. Even as Lover faded out and Ed Sheeran's Perfect began playing next, the two of you stayed holding onto each other and continued swaying as the night seemingly faded around you both.

~*~

Christmas Day morning, although kind of chaotic, was everything you could've hoped it'd be.

You, Auston and Mia, had a very soft morning that was just the three of you before everyone piled into your room again and kicked off the day's events. Your entire family all got breakfast together, then went back to the rooms to exchange gifts but had to check out of the resort and head back to Toronto soon after.

That evening, you drove Nate, Mya, your dad and Alice to the airport, then went back home to have Christmas dinner with Auston's family. It was a very chill way to conclude the holiday, and you loved every minute of it.

A few days later, Auston's family flew home to Arizona, hockey started up again, and things just started feeling weird to you.

You would've been lying if you said you didn't experience a bit of post-holiday depression. Going from a full house of people and having all your loved ones together to having the house basically empty besides you, Mia and Frank hit really hard. The Leafs' schedule after Christmas sucked and had Auston constantly coming and going, which also didn't help because it was brief when he was home.  

It was like you were coming down from a really good high, but instead of things eventually feeling normal again, they just gradually got worse without you even realizing it. And on top of it all, you just felt so tired and weak all the damn time, finally noticing how badly your anemia absolutely kicked your ass and would continue to do so for the months to come.

However, as soon as you acknowledged how down you were feeling mentally, you booked an appointment with your therapist. Gradually got in the routine of talking to them at least once a week again. But even in doing that, you never discussed how you were feeling with anyone else and were unintentionally pushing them away.

Your loved ones noticed, though. It was very easy for them too. But, there wasn't much they could do to help if you didn't let them.

During those weeks after Christmas, Mia barely left your side because she knew you weren't feeling well, and neither did Frank. Mitch and Steph were able to pick up on something bothering you, too, because you distanced yourself from them. They knew about you having anemia and how that definitely affected you a lot, also that you were just bummed, but you wouldn't let them even try to help you. Steph tried to invite you over for days the two of you could just chill together with Mia, Frank and Zeus while the guys were away and was even ok going to your house instead, but you never gave her a straight answer. So, nothing came of it, and she and Mitch started genuinely getting worried about you.

They weren't the only ones who realized you weren't feeling like yourself either.

When you Facetimed your dad, Alice, Nate and Mya while they were in Florida, they could easily tell you weren't doing good and just wished they could be there to help. Auston's family was able to tell too, and it even got to the point where Ema was about to fly back to Toronto but didn't because she knew if that wasn't something you wanted to happen, it wouldn't help the situation.

Naturally, it was Auston who noticed just how much changed with you after the holidays. He saw it first hand when he was home and could hear it in your voice during your calls while he was away. However, you just never expressed what was bothering you, and other than the obvious things that triggered this, not even you were sure why you felt as gross as you did.

Unfortunately, this took somewhat of a toll on your's and Auston's relationship. You didn't realize you were pushing him away, and he couldn't help but blame himself for it. He wished he could be home all the time, and so did you, but that just wasn't possible, and it was the first time that a form of mental and emotional distance between the two of you added to the physical distance that was already there and it just made everything so much harder.

Miscommunication between you and Auston occurred more during these few weeks than it ever had throughout your entire relationship. How both of you felt just wasn't addressed because neither of you knew how to approach the topic and were utterly oblivious to how bad it truly was.

Both of you hated it so much. But then, around the middle of January, about two weeks before Mia's second birthday, there was a slight shift, and things briefly started looking up.

You were happy and more energetic all of a sudden, and for a few days straight, you just seemed so much like yourself again. There was a day that you and Mia grabbed lunch with Steph then hung out for the remainder of the day for the first time in almost a month. Your dad, Alice and Nate were due to fly back to Toronto in the upcoming days and stay for a night before going home themselves, so you were excited to see them even though Mya was already back in B.C. And even with Auston, you were gradually coming out of that wall you unintentionally built around yourself and letting him back in as well.

Although not every day was perfect, things seemed better. Little did anyone know they were about to go to complete shit and how easily it could've all been avoided too.

During a couple of days where Auston was home, he decided to plan something special for you. The weird scheduling of him seemingly being on the road more than he was at home was coming to an end just in time for Mia's birthday, and he couldn't wait. He was so excited to have longer stretches at home. Even though he'd still have to come and go, it wasn't going to seem as bad as it had been previously. And the best part was that he'd get just to be there and spend time with you and Mia.

To kick that off, on the 15th, exactly ten days before Mia's birthday, he booked a reservation for the two of you to grab dinner at one of your favourite restaurants downtown.

You weren't feeling 100% that day, but after Auston proposed the idea, explained what restaurant the two of you would be going to, and how he'd already arranged for Steph to watch Mia that night, you got pretty excited about it.

The thought of having a nice evening with your husband sounded so good to you. After how shitty January had been so far, you felt that you really needed this one on one time with him and could tell that he felt the same.

There wasn't a Leafs game that day, but Auston did have practice and some media stuff he had to do before meeting you for dinner. It was a long and hectic day, to say the least, and it ended up being way longer than he was expecting, but he eventually finished what he needed to do and couldn't wait to get home and see his girls.

However, when he got home, you weren't there. But Steph was.

"Hey, Steph," Auston greeted as he walked through the front door and looked at her curiously. He was lucky, though, because Mia was very focused on the show Steph had put on for her and didn't even notice him. But before he could make his presence known to her, Steph told Mia she'd be back in a second, then rushed into the foyer.

"What are you doing here?" She asked, looking at him as if he'd grown a second head.

"Uh, this is my house?" He chuckled in response.

"I'm aware of that, but weren't you supposed to be downtown getting dinner with Y/N an hour ago?"

Auston froze and went completely pale at that.

"Oh, fuck," he said and immediately started putting his coat back on. "Oh, my god. I completely forgot about the reservation. Fuck!"

Without saying another word, he booked it out of the house and back to his car, but Steph understood and just hoped that this wouldn't become a whole thing, even though she had a feeling it definitely wasn't going to end up good.

Auston tried calling you as he drove back downtown and got more frustrated with himself when you weren't answering. About twenty minutes later, he parked the car and rushed to the restaurant. However, when he went to go inside, you walked out.

You looked surprised to see him, but that quickly changed to a look of hurt and disappointment, which didn't go unnoticed by your husband.

"Y/N, I am so sorry," Auston tried to explain while taking in how dressed up you were. You looked stunning in the dress you decided to wear that night, and it made him feel even worse about how badly he fucked up. "I got so caught up with everything today, and I know that's no excuse, but please know how sorry I am. We can go back in there. I'm sure they'll still take us."

"I already ate," you told him, then glanced away. It was then he noticed how glossy your eyes were with unshed tears and could feel his heart shatter. "I just want to go home."

"But, baby-."

"Please, Auston. I'm embarrassed enough as it is."

He didn't know what he could say to that, so with a nod and another apology, the two of you walked to his car and headed home.

The original plan was for Steph to drop you off at the restaurant to meet Auston, then the two of you would drive home together afterwards. That's exactly what happened. But the entire drive home was so painfully silent, and Auston knew it was all his fault.

"Babe, you don't understand how sorry I truly am," he eventually spoke up, which had you shifting awkwardly in your seat before responding.

"I understand. But please, let's just drop it."

You didn't leave much room for argument as you mindlessly started rubbing your 18-week pregnant belly and moved to look out the window, so Auston didn't bother fighting you on it and continued the drive home in silence.

Steph could sense the tension when the two of you walked into the house but knew it wasn't her place to ask about it. So, she gave Mia a quick hug goodbye, then told you and Auston to have a good night as you both thanked her for watching Mia, then made her way home for the night.

There weren't many words exchanged between the two of you as you put Mia to bed and got ready to sleep yourselves. Although you still cuddled up against Auston as you began falling asleep, just like you did every night, he still knew that you were so upset with him. However, the issue wasn't resolved or addressed, and the two of you soon fell asleep for the night.

The next morning, Auston had to be up early to catch a flight out of Pearson with the team to go to New Jersey for a game against the Devils that night. He was due to be back home in three days after a game against the Capitals the following day, and then was going to be home for four days before having to go to Montreal.

You didn't express that you were still upset with him as he got ready to leave, but he knew you were still hurt. As he was about to walk out the door, you still wished him luck with his games and told him that you loved him, because even though you were upset, that didn't change the love you always had for your husband.

But, Auston was already overthinking the entire situation and had begun planning a way he could make it up to you again as both you and Mia kissed him goodbye. That night after the game against the Devils was when he decided he'd fly home the following night after the game against Washington to surprise you, rather than going back to Toronto a day later with the rest of the team.

However, the day he was planning on flying home, you called him to explain how Mia wasn't feeling good.

You were pretty sure she was getting an ear infection, and she was just so fussy because of how uncomfortable and in pain she was. It broke your heart seeing her like that, and you just really needed to tell Auston about it, hoping he'd remind you that everything was going to be ok and of course, he did.

During that conversation, he managed not to bring up the fact that he was coming home that night but said to call him still if you needed anything or if Mia got worse.

Unfortunately, Mia did get worse, and it was too overwhelming for you.

When Auston was playing hockey that night, you got to the point where you were about to have an absolute breakdown because it was all too much. Your doctor was closed, and Mia didn't even consider the idea of going to the hospital, getting even fussier whenever you mentioned it. You couldn't call Auston and were about to call Steph because, on top of everything, you felt like trash too. Although you really didn't want to inconvenience anyone, you knew that you needed help and couldn't do this independently.

But, before you called Steph, you remembered that your dad and Nate were in town with Alice for the next two nights before they flew back to Vancouver and Montreal. You weren't even sure if they'd landed in Pearson yet, but without thinking about it any longer, you brought up Alice's contact in your phone as you held Mia with your other arm and hit the call button.

"Hello?" Alice greeted you with her usual cheery voice, which made you let out a loud sigh of relief.

"Alice, are you guys back in Toronto yet, by chance?" Your voice cracked as you sniffled, trying to keep it together but simply unable to.

"Oh, honey, is everything alright? We're in an Uber right now, about ten minutes away from my cousin's house."

"Would you mind if I came over? Auston isn't here, Mia is sick, and I need help. I don't know what to do anymore."

"You do not even need to ask, sweetheart," she replied softly. "But take a few deep breaths for me, ok? I know it's tough, but it's going to be alright. You go pack a bag for you and Mia, then get her and Frank loaded into the car and come over. Ok?"

"Ok," you responded, taking a deep breath as you did so. "Thank you, Alice. We'll be there real soon."

After you hung up the phone, you continued taking deep breaths so you could calm yourself down. You then looked down at Mia as she leaned against your shoulder, fighting to stay awake, and could tell that she felt probably as gross as you did.

"I'm sorry you're not feeling good, sweet girl," you told her softly, then brushed some of her curls away from her face. "We're going to stay with Pa, Alice and Uncle Nate for the night, ok? We're going to get you feeling better very soon."

"Ok, mama," she replied, then held onto you a little tighter as you started packing a bag for the two of you, then got both of you all bundled up to leave the house for the night.

As soon as Auston's game was over, he called you to check in with how Mia was doing, but the call went straight to voicemail. After a few more attempts to contact you and the same outcome, he started getting worried. He texted his mom, Steph and even a couple of the other Leafs girlfriends that he knew you were pretty close with to see if anyone had heard from you, which none of them had.

Not being able to keep himself from getting a little anxious, Auston still went to the airport and got on the conveniently short flight back to Toronto, hoping that everything would be fine once he got there.

As soon as he landed, he called you again, and there was still no answer. Yes, he knew that you were still mad at him, but he didn't think you were angry enough just to ignore him entirely and seemingly fall off the grid, especially after telling him that Mia was sick.

He started getting frustrated and sent a quick text to Nate to see if he'd heard from you, but never got a reply back. So, he ordered an Uber to take him home, and when he got there, his heart dropped into the pit of his stomach.

Your car wasn't in the driveway, there wasn't a single light on in the house, and there wasn't a single sign of you, Mia or Frank once he went inside. It was past Mia's bedtime, so it didn't make sense for you not to be home, but surely if you'd taken her to the hospital, you would've told him and not taken Frank. So, he called you again and still wasn't able to get through.

He stressfully pushed his hand through his hair as he called his parents in an attempt to figure out what the hell was going. As he did this, he took his boots off, hung up his coat and went upstairs to your's and his bedroom. When he entered the room, a mix of your and Mia's clothes was strewn all over the place. It looked that you left in a hurry and only grabbed what you could, but Auston couldn't figure out why.

While on the phone with his parents, he expressed what he saw to them and felt himself getting more and more upset. Ema tried to keep him level minded, but he was already too worked up for her to be successful in doing that.

"Mom, I think she left," he finally stated, acknowledging the worst-case scenario that had been eating away at his mind since the moment he entered the house. Ema was confused by what he meant when saying that because she was already well aware that you weren't there, but then Auston elaborated on what he was thinking. "Me, mom. I think she left me."

[novannna]

You know, you’ll always have me

catradora celeb au, based off the song dorothea.   

“Catra and Adora were best friends. They had always been. It was a fact, just like how the stars shine in the sky and how the sun sets. It would never change. The two girls were meant to be, and there was not a thing that could change it.”

wc: 4755

tw: small depression mention, and suicidal thoughts 

Catra and Adora were best friends. They had always been. It was a fact, just like how the stars shine in the sky and how the sun sets. It would never change. The two girls were meant to be, and there was not a thing that could change it. They grew up together in the same orphanage, and were much closer to each other than they were to anyone else. Lonnie, Kyle, Rogelio… they were alright. But they weren’t the perfect fit to the gaping hole in each of the girls heart. Catra was Adora’s, and Adora was Catra’s. That was just the way it was. A simple fact, and nothing more.

Fairly on, their foster mom, Shadow Weaver, recognized Adora’s raw talents. Her voice. The way Adora could craft and tease a melody through her mouth was enough to make Catra’s eyes water. Adora was gifted. And Shadow Weaver took advantage of that. Soon, every weekend Adora was headed to some competition of a sort. And Catra refused to be left behind. So she became as good as she could at singing. And she got pretty damn good. She spent hours watching people as they sang, the way their throats bobbed and pulsed. She asked Adora the way it felt. She practiced on her own, deep in the woods that surrounded the orphanage. And when she thought she was ready, she managed to convince Shadow Weaver to bring her as one of Adora’s back up singers. The children were elated. Now they could be together all the time. They had everything they had always wanted. Each other. --- “Adora?” Catra hissed. “Adora, wake up!” It was the middle of night, and she could hear snores coming from the surrounding bunks. “What is it?” Adora mumbled sleepily. Catra grinned. “It’s a surprise. Come on!” She ripped the blankets off Adora, and dashed over to the window. Adora rubbed her eyes. “What’s happening?” “We’re sneaking out,” Catra groaned. “Honestly, Adora. Have all the singing lessons made you forget everything else?” “But what about Shadow Weaver?” Catra sighed. “Don’t worry about Shadow Weaver. She’s never bothered me before.” Adora froze. “Wait, you’ve sneaked out before?” “Well, yeah. Have you not?” Adora shook her head. “Well, there's a first for everything. Come on!” Catra threw the window open, and quickly scaled down the lattice. Adora cast one last anxious glance at the door, then hurried after Catra. “Where are we going?” Adora asked, her voice tinged with fear. Catra grinned. “The woods.” “The woods?” Adora asked, while following close behind Catra. “But it’s dangerous in there. All sorts of things. Bears, criminals, swamps…” she shuddered. “Catra, are you sure this is smart?” Catra smirked. “Relax. I’ve been in them millions of times. And I’m still fine.” Adora’s eyes widened. “You’ve been inside them before? Shadow Weaver would kill you if she knew.” “Not a problem. Because, A: she wouldn’t find out, B: she doesn’t give a shit about me, and C: she’d be happy if I died because then I’d be out of her way.” Adora frowned, but didn’t say anything. Catra led her through the thick forest, until they broke through the trees. A small pond lay in the center of a clearing. A large log had fallen across, creating a bridge to the other side. The moon lit everything in a silver glow. Catra grinned, and jumped onto the log. She spread her arms out for balance, and ran across the slippery surface. Her feet lost their grip, and Catra was falling, heading straight into the murky water. A hand shot out, and wrapped around her waist. She stopped a foot away. Adora laughed. “Careful,” she teased. “You were about to go take a bath.” Catra scowled, and scrambled her way back up. “Thanks.” “Of course.” Adora sat down, dangling her feet over the water. “This is gorgeous.” her voice was full of awe. “Yeah,” Catra said, settling down next to Adora. She laid her head on the blond girl’s shoulder. “It is.” Adora started to hum, her soft voice filling the silence. Catra smiled. It was her favourite song. Catra joined in, letting her low voice fill the air. “So don’t worry your pretty little mind,” Catra singing, her breath steaming in front of her. Adora laughed, and started singing as well. “People throw rocks at things that shine. And life makes love look hard. The stakes are high, the water's rough. But this love is ours,” they sang, their voices mixing together. It was different then when Adora was performing. There, Catra was just a voice in the background. But here, with Adora, Catra mattered. Her voice was just as equal to Adora’s. Catra grinned. She had never felt like this before. So light and… happy. Slowly their voices faded back into the silence. But the air was different. It felt full… warm. “We should go,” Catra whispered. “We have to be back before Shadow Weaver wakes up.” Adora nodded. “Can we come back here?” “Of course. You know the answer,” Catra replied with a smile. She carefully walked back across the log to the shore. “Wait,” Adora said quickly. “This is our pond. Shouldn’t we mark it?” Catra scooped up a jagged pebble, and jogged to a tree. Carefully, she carved A+C into the rough wood. “There. This place is ours now. No one else can claim it.” Catra grinned. Adora smiled. “I love it.” She looked down, and gasped. “Catra, look!” she bent down, and scooped up two small pebbles. They looked completely normal, except for a small hole in each one. Adora handed one to her. “One for you, and one for me.” She dug into her pocket, and pulled out a long strip of leather. Using the same rock Catra used to cut into the tree, Adora broke the string in half. “We’ll make it into necklaces.” Adora’s eyes gleamed. She slipped the necklace over her head. “Tie it for me?” She asked. Catra nodded, and quickly tied the brown string into a knot. She pulled it tight, and stepped back. “Do it for me too,” she said excitedly. Catra felt Adora’s soft fingers brush against her neck as she knotted the cord together. “Now we match.” “We never take it off,” Catra said gravely. Adora nodded, just as solem. “I promise. As long as I’m wearing this necklace, it means I’m still your best friend. I’ll never leave you.” They looked at each other, moonlight glimmering in their eyes. Catra felt her heart pound. “We need to go,” she murmured. “Yeah,” Adora sighed. “I know.” “We can come back, Adora.” “But it won’t be the same.” “No. It’ll be different every time. But we’ll make it better.” Catra slipped her hand into Adora’s. “But we need to go if we want to come back.” Adora sighed. “Alright. Lead the way.” She turned to Catra and smiled. Catra nodded, and pulled her back into the woods. --- Catra felt her breath quicken. “Adora, what are you saying?” She asked. “Catra, I’m so sorry,” Adora whispered. Her eyes were teary. “But I can’t turn this down. You know that.” “So what? You're going to leave me here? All alone?” Catra laughed incredulously. “You can’t do this. Please,” she begged. “I can’t turn this down! It’s just one tour! I’ll be back before you know it.” Adora sniffed deeply. “No.” Catra shook her head. “You won’t. I thought you cared about me, but it turns out you just want to be famous.” She immediately regretted the words. They were fake. Adora didn’t care about fame. She just wanted to sing. “Catra…” Adora started. “You know that’s not true.” Catra hung her head. “I know. It’s just… Will you come back?” Adora nodded. “Of course I will. I’ll only be gone a month, then I’ll be back. And we’ll go back to our pond, and be back together again. I promise.” Adora’s eyes stared straight into Catra’s. “Will you think about me?” “Every single second. I can’t wait to tell you all about it.” Adora laughed. “It’ll be crazy. I wish you could come.” “No.” Catra shook her head. “My place is here.” That was a lie. Catra had been waiting every day of her life to leave the orphanage. The only reason she hadn’t run away was Adora. But she couldn’t tell Adora that. She wouldn’t understand. Catra noticed the small stone hanging off Adora’s neck. She tapped a nail against the grey stone. “Will you take it off?” Adora laughed. “Of course not. I made you a promise. As long as I wear it, you still have me. I’m never taking it off.” Catra nodded, relieved. “Okay. I’ll help you pack.” “I think I’m done. Will you see me off?” Catra shook her head. “I can’t. Shadow Weaver won’t let me.” “Hey, it’ll only be a month. And then life will be back to normal. I promise.” Catra nodded. “Will you at least say goodbye now?” Adora asked. “No. Because that means there's a possibility of me never seeing you again. This isn’t goodbye. Just… till later.” Adora laughed. “Okay. Well, I’ll see you later.” She wrapped Catra in a warm hug, and she sank into the embrace. “I’ll see you later,” Catra whispered into the girl’s hair. “In a month, and then we’ll go back to our pond, and we’ll steal snacks from the pantry, and we’ll watch the stars. We only need to wait a month.” Catra said those words, but there was still dread in her heart. She felt like this would be the last time she’d ever see Adora again. So she hugged tightly, wishing she could capture the moment in time. --- Catra waited a month. And then another. Catra waited for three months before she gave up hope. Adora had left her. Catra had been replaced by her shiny new friends, with their perfect smiles, and dazzling appearance. Catra was just a little orphan girl in a small unimportant town. But Adora… she was rising fast. Catra watched the tv screen as she ate her breakfast, the entire orphanage clambering for a look at the girl they had known. Catra listened as Adora had interview after interview, concert after concert. Catra had even seen a magazine with Adora’s beautiful face pasted across the glossy cover. She had balled it up, and thrown it in the nearest trash can. One night, she snuck away to the pond, and sat on the log, tears dripping down her face. Adora was gone. She wasn’t coming back. Catra yanked the necklace off her neck. She wondered how long it had taken Adora to remove hers. Catra held it above the water, ready to let it fall into the pond, but her hand wouldn’t open. She wasn’t ready to let go yet. “Why did you leave me?” Catra asked the empty air, sobbing. “Wasn’t I enough?” She bent over herself, her body shaking with the force of her grief. “Wasn’t I enough?” She sobbed. “You promised you’d never leave me…” Catra sat on the old log, letting tears slip out. They fell through her fingers, landing in the water like rain. Finally, Catra rose. She couldn’t stand being in the clearing anymore. It was too painful a memory. Everywhere she looked, a golden haired girl waited, smiling sweetly at Catra. She felt a surge of betrayal. Adora had promised to come back. They were going to steal snacks from the pantry, run away to the pond, and sit together and watch the stars. Maybe Adora just got confused. Maybe the tour actually lasted a lot longer. But that was a lie, and Catra knew it. Adora had left her, and Catra was paying the price. She braced herself against a tree while she tried to breathe in enough air. Her fingers brushed against an indent carved deep into the bark. A+C Catra let out a guttural scream, and ripped into the bark with her bare hands. She ignored the splinters, only focusing on destroying the reminder of what had been. The reminder of the first night, where life was so perfect. They sang underneath the stars, and for the first time, Catra felt complete. But Adora had left Catra for a shiny new future. Catra stepped back, and looked at the mess of bark in front of her. Her fingers were covered in splinters and small cuts, but a triumphant smile was now on Catra’s face. She could become more. Catra didn’t need Adora. She didn’t need anything. She could do whatever she wanted to. She would do anything she wanted to. She’d done it before. For a girl with a sweet voice, and a sweeter personality. A girl who Catra would have given anything for…. “No,” Catra hissed. “No more Adora. She doesn’t matter. She’s the one who left you.” Catra wiped her tears away, and headed away from the pond. She ran away from the orphanage one week later. Adora never came back. --- 10 years later Catra bustled through her small apartment, mug of tea carefully balanced. She settled onto her couch, and flicked the tv on. “...music phenomenon Adora is on set to have some of the most listened to songs in history,” the reporter was saying. “And here she is!” A chorus of screams burst out of the tv. Catra cringed. All of Adora’s fans were so… loud. She couldn’t help but curl her nose. She actually snorted when she heard a fan scream, “Marry me Adora!” And then, Catra saw her. Adora. She looked different. That made sense. She wasn’t a kid anymore. But still. It was a shock. Her short hair was now long, but she still wore it in a ponytail. Catra smiled as she saw the small poof. Adora had always loved the way her hair would poof up at the front. She called it her signature look. Her teeth no longer had braces, and her skin was tanner. She looked so happy. Catra wondered for the first time, if she had been wrong to hate Adora. Kid stars often had no choice. It was foolish to think Adora hadn’t been manipulated. Catra jerked her attention back to the TV. “...well, I am excited to be in L.A. again,” she was saying warmly. “You know, I actually grew up here. It feels good to be near home.” LA? Catra started. They were in the same town. Less than 20 miles apart. She grabbed her phone, and quickly googled her upcoming concerts. Sure enough, the next one was listed in LA. Adora was going to be singing so close to Catra, and she had no idea. And all of the sudden, all the emotions Catra had pushed away for years flooded back in. Most prominent of all, Catra’s feelings for Adora. She remembered the way her heart would pound, and her cheeks would flush. The way she would stutter through words when Adora was near. Catra had a crush on Adora. No, but it had been more than a little crush. It was indescribable, what Catra felt. When Adora left, a part of her had been ripped away. It had hurt more than anything else she had ever felt. Because Catra needed Adora as much as she needed air. But she didn’t anymore. Catra had learned to survive on her own. She had built herself a life. It wasn’t a perfect life, but it was hers. And now, it felt empty. There was a large, Adora shaped hole inside her, and Catra just realized it for the first time. “I need to see her,” Catra whispered to herself. She googled tickets to the concert. They were shockingly low. An artist as famous as Adora would have tickets that sold for hundreds. But it only cost $35. Before Catra could convince herself out of it, she pressed the green buy button. A little ding was the only indicator that Catra had just changed her life. She inhaled sharply and sighed. There was no point worrying. She was going. That was all that mattered. She’d see Adora one last time. Maybe they wouldn’t talk, but Catra could begin to forgive herself for giving up on Adora. Or maybe they would, and Catra could take everything off her chest. It was in fate’s hands, and Catra couldn’t do a thing about it. She clicked the tv off, and stood up. She scratched the ears of her cat, Melog, and whispered to him, “Am I making a mistake?” He mewed in response. Catra groaned. “Not. Helpful.” She ran her fingers through her spiky hair. Adora hadn’t been the only one who had changed. A year ago, Catra had gotten so lost, and confused, she got in a bad place. She got depressed and suicidal. She had felt so alone, and she couldn’t see a point anymore. But her friend Scorpia had helped her. She put up with Catra’s mean comments, and rude attitude. She took her to get help. She convinced Catra to cut her hair. Get rid of the reminder of her past. Now Catra was doing much better. She was going to therapy, she had a good job, she was eating healthier, she was making friends, and actually keeping them. She kept her hair in a short, spiky cut, as a reminder of how far she had come. It felt better this way. No tethers. “I wonder if she would even recognize me. If she remembers me.” Catra sighed heavily. “Is she the same girl I knew? It’s been 10 years. So much distance between us.” Melog mewed again, and butted his head against Catra’s hand. She smiled. “Right. I should stop worrying about it. It’ll all work out. No use stressing.” She paused for a second. “What should I wear?” --- Catra tugged on the edges of her jacket anxiously. She stood outside the stadium, the formidable building staring down at her. “Come on Catra,” She hissed. “You can do it.” She squared her shoulders, and walked towards the gate, head held high. She presented her ticket, and passed through security in what felt like seconds. The seconds were slipping by, and she was barely able to focus on her footsteps. She found her seat in a daze. And then, the curtain was rising, and the cover band was singing. Catra tried to focus, but her fingers were drumming holes into her legs. The band sounded good, but catra couldn’t pay attention to their words. After what seemed like both seconds, and an eternity, it was time for Adora. The curtain rose, and Adora stood there. Her long blond hair was loose, for the first time in ages, and she wore a long white dress. The shoulders were a gentle gold, and a long white cape hung to the floor. A simple circlet hung on her brow. Catra gasped, as she looked at her best friend for the first time in years. Adora was breathtaking. She was pretty in a way that words just don’t describe. Catra wanted to cry. She knew that Adora was still the same girl she had been when she left Catra. She was still the Adora who was a complete idiot, but still cared. Catra could tell, even from 100 feet away. And then, she was singing. Her voice was just like Catra remembered. It was sweet, soft, and gorgeous. Catra could feel tears stinging her eyes. And then, Catra started listening to the song. She couldn’t help but gasp. She’d never heard it before. But she had been there. She knew what Adora was singing about. Adora hadn’t forgotten her. Not just that. Adora was singing a fucking song about her. About them. Catra stifled an incredulous laugh. “Hey,” she hissed to the person sitting next to her. “What’s the name of this song?” They rolled their eyes. “Kept Promises,” they hissed. “Didn’t you know?” Catra ignored them. Kept Promises. Adora was still planning on keeping hers. She had broken a million, but she was still remembering hers. Catra wasn’t forgotten by the only one who had cared. She couldn’t stop the wild grin from spreading across her lips. She looked back at the stage, at Adora crooning a song out of her lips. She looked up, and somehow through the distance between them, she met Catra’s eyes. A soft ‘o’ of recognition parted her lips. Her voice quavered, but it only added to her song. Adora squared her soldiers, and held Catra’s cool gaze while she sang, “Oh I swear I'm right here, I swear I’ll keep our love, hanging round my heart, ‘Cause your my girl, Yeah your my girl.” Catra smiled at Adora. Adora’s face lit up, and she grinned as the audience broke into applause. “Thank you,” She said. “You know, I wrote that song about my best friend. I haven’t seen her in awhile, but I’d never forget her. She’s one of the most important people in my life.” Catra’s neighbour muttered “lucky.” “Why?” Catra asked. The neighbour shrugged. “I’d love to be best friends with Adora. I can’t see why they don’t talk anymore though. She must be a really terrible person.” Catra bristled. “Yeah well-” she stopped herself. It didn’t matter. They were right. Catra had given up on Adora. She was terrible. “So- I thought I might sing her favourite song tonight. It’s not mine, but if you know the words feel free to sing along.” Adora looked straight at Catra and winked. “Elevator buttons and morning air…” She started singing. Catra laughed. Of course Adora would remember her favourite song. And sing it in front of a theater full of thousands of people. Adora was staring at her. Did she want Catra to join? Yes, Catra realized. She did. She remembered that night at their pond. Catra shook her head, and opened her mouth. Her voice mingled with hundreds of others as she singed along. “So don't you worry your pretty, little mind, People throw rocks at things that shine, And life makes love look hard,” Catra and Adora sang. Sure, their voices rang with countless others, but their voices were the only ones that mattered. Suddenly, it was 10 years ago, and they sat on a damp log, legs dangling over water. They leaned against each other, and sang a song they knew to be true. The world was so twisted and awful, but at the same time it was perfect. It was perfect because they still had each other. Catra let herself free. She grinned at Adora, who grinned back. The blonde girl’s smile completely melted Catra’s heart. They had found their way back to each other at last. --- Catra dashed through the throngs of people. She crept past the guards, and finally, she was in the backstage area. It was quiet, the throngs of people missing. Catra searched for Adora. She spotted a dressing room, and knocked quietly on the door. “Come in,” A voice said. A voice that was so achingly familiar. Catra stepped inside and closed the door behind her. “Hey, Adora,” she said with a small smile. She was surprised by an enormous, crushing hug. “Oh my god, Catra,” Adora’s muffled voice said. “I can’t believe this.” Finally she stepped back, and looked Catra up and down. “I like your hair.” Catra laughed. “It’s been 10 years, and all you’ve got is I like your hair? Come on princess, do better.” “I’ve missed you so much. How… how is this happening?” Catra looked down. “I realized nothing was your fault. You probably didn’t have much of a choice.” “For what?” “Leaving me!” Catra laughed. “What else?” “What do you mean?” Adora asked. Her voice was confused. “You said you’d be back in a month. I waited for three months, and you never came back. You promised you would.” “Oh, Catra. Shadow Weaver… she called a week after I left to say you ran away. I didn’t come back because there was nothing for me there. I thought you had decided to leave.” Her eyes glistened. “I’m so sorry, I never thought…” “That Shadow Weaver lied?” Catra heard the anger in her voice. “I’m sorry, I know it’s not your fault. But you could have at least checked.” Catra’s voice broke. “I was all alone for three months. Do you have any idea what that was like?” Adora shook her head. “I did check. A year later, I came back. No one knew. I went to our pond….” Adora took in a deep shuddering breath. “I saw the A+C. I assumed you hated me.” “I did. For a while I did. I got into a bad place, but I’m alright now. And when I saw you were in LA, I knew I had to come, and at least try to make things right between us.” Catra sighed. “I’ve missed you Adora. Life without you feels bad. I don’t want that anymore.” Adora wrapped her arms tightly around Catra again. “I don’t either. Friends?” She held out her hand. Catra looked at it, and tried not to frown. It was foolish to believe Adora felt the same feelings for her. Catra was the last person anyone would want to date. Catra shook Adora’s hand. “Right. Friends.” Adora blushed a deep red. “Well... if you want to... I wouldn’t mind being more than friends.” Catra laughed softly. “You're such a dumbass. Why do you think I came back?” Taking Adora’s face in her hands, she kissed her lips softly. And everything felt right. That Adora shaped hole inside Catra was finally gone. Replaced with something much better. Finally, they broke apart. Catra spotted a frayed cord hanging from Adora’s neck. She tugged it out, revealing a small rock with a hole through it. “You never took it off,” Catra said in amazement. “Of course not! I promised I wouldn’t as long as we’re friends.” Catra looked down. “I took mine off. After you left, I couldn’t wear it. But I still carry it in my pocket everyday.” She pulled out her own necklace. The cord was dirty and falling apart, but it was still there. Without asking, Adora plucked it out of Catra’s hands, and quickly tied it around her neck. The weight settled comfortably, and it felt right. “Thank you,” Catra whispered. “I’m sorry for giving up on you.” “And I’m sorry for leaving you.” Adora brushed a kiss against Catra’s lips. “But that's in the past. It doesn’t matter anymore. Because we’re back together, and I’m never leaving your side.” “Promise?” “I promise. And you know I won’t break it.” Adora laughed softly. “I love you Catra. I went crazy without you by my side.” “Me too. But we’re by each other’s sides. The world can’t keep us apart again.” Adora slipped her hands into Catra’s. “I’d like to see them try.” Catra leaned forwards, sinking into the kiss. Adora wasn’t on a screen anymore, she was standing right in front of Catra. They had found each other again. Catra had found her home at last, and this time she was staying for good.

lyrics to Kept Promises You found me in the dark Took my hand Led me out, oh

You showed me all the wonders of our world Wonders just for our eyes For our eyes

Oh oh oh

Trellis creaking under out weight Thought id fall But thats okay ‘Cause your underneath Waiting to catch me in your arms

Led me through the woods Took me to your secret spot Pond of moonlight Forgotten by the world

Crossed a log You fell right in I caught your hand Pulled you up I'll be there beside you Beside you

Oh i swear i'm right here I swear I’ll keep our love hanging round my neck ‘Cause your my girl Yeah your my girl

We sang ourselves a special song Wrapped ourselves in the memory You taught me to breathe You taught me to breathe

Carved our names upon a log Let that be a reminder This spot is ours It's ours

We found two stones with matching holes Strung them round our necks With a promise We’ll take it off when there’s no more love And darling i'll still wear it Even when i'm gone, it'll grace my neck Cause its yours And mine

Oh i swear i'm right here I swear I’ll keep our love Hanging round my neck ‘Cause your my girl Yeah your my girl Yeah, your my girl

[y0ung-4ever]

When I think of you..

Pairing: Park Jimin x female reader

Description: You and Jimin have a strong connection to one another. But when he moves away, will you keep that connection or will it be severed?

Warnings: Ngl this imagine gives off a lot of yandere energy- Soulmate au, Jimins the man we all want

Rating: E

Notes: This story switches between povs, but I’ll tell you who’s and when- but the beginning is yours ;) Also, I’m not sure if I should leave it here or make a part 2?

When I see you, you make every fiber in my body smile.

When I hear you, your voice is a melodic song to my ears, I never want to stop listening.

When I touch you, it feels like lighting shot up my fingertips, electrifying.

When I think of you…

————————————-

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

August 14, 2015

We were always friends. We grew up together, we were never apart, therefore we did everything together.

One day after the other, we made new memories and had exciting adventures.

We went through middle school, made friends.

Then highschool came and it was a bit rough, but we were getting by.

We always hung out with the same friends, this group of just one girl and seven boys.

Me and you were the closest, but I grew closer to each of the other boys as we grew older.

Each of them had their own unique colors. But I always came back to you.

Eleventh grade. Your family was moving away, you weren’t going to be with me much longer.

I was staying back in Seoul, while you were moving to the UK.

You were studying abroad and your dad got a new and improved job in England.

I was left behind with the other boys. But before you left, you said one final thing to me that I held onto for the rest of the time you were gone until today.

We were at your house, we were up on the roof, looking at the sunrise. It would be our last one together. I thought.

It was the beginning of fall, so the air was a bit chilly.

You gave me your jacket. You were taller, so it fit me well.

You turned towards me and looked deeply into my eyes and caressed my hands with your own.

“Y/n-ah I will be gone. For a while. You may not see me. Or feel me. Or even hear me. But you can always think of me. Think of me and all our dreams we had. Think of all the good things we have gone through together and what we will go through as soon as we see eachother again. This will not be our last sunrise, and the sunset will surely not be our last either. As long as you are here on this earth and I’m here too, we are watching the sky together. Think of me when you watch the colors fade together. Promise? I wanted to tell you, not in these standards, but I wanted you to know that I will wait for you. Will you wait for me? I will count down the days until I get to see your beautiful face again-“

Your fingers painted against my cheeks. You put a stray piece of hair behind my ear. You leaned in closer but not close enough.

“-I will never love another woman like I love you. I promise you, Y/n. From this day forward, I may not be here with you, but you are mine. Don’t let anyone else have you. Keep yourself for me and your purity for me too. Promise me that you will do all of those things like I will you.”

You came even closer, I got anxious, I closed that space and closing that space made us fly into oblivion. All I could see was the back of my eyelids as my eyes were closed and my lips were on yours. With that kiss we shared. I promised that I would never let anyone else be this close to me except for you. You were the one I was supposed to be with. You were the first and only person I see as perfect. From that day forward, I would look up at the sky, thinking of us, and this moment we shared on the rooftop of your house.

———————–———————————————––

August 1, 2016

It’s been a year since you left, I held up.

Me and the boys haven’t stopped hanging out, they know I miss you.

I’m doing good in school, junior year was hard without you, but I think that I’ve gotten better senior year.

I was thinking of studying abroad for college in the UK. We could see eachother again.

Every day, after the last class of the day, I always stop by your house. Well your old house.

I’m never alone, If you wanted to know. Out of all the boys, Namjoon was always there for me the most and knew how it felt to lose someone close to you.

Taehyung is so flirty and such a big baby, I wish you were to see how Jungkook grew up. He’s taller than me now.

To be honest,Yoongi has been really distant since you left. More than usual. I think we all just miss you. But I think I miss you just a little bit more.

I really haven’t been eating that much, I just haven’t been hungry. But Jin always makes me. He doesn’t leave me alone until he sees me eat a full course meal before bed.

I think we made really good friends. Hoseok is still the brightest star. He tends to see the positive side of things. I need that right now.

_________________________________________________________________

May 23, 2017

Today is the last day of school. I’m going to be going to college soon. I passed exams well, I kept telling myself that I wouldn’t be able to see you if I didn’t do well.

We haven’t got to call, I promise that I’ve been trying. I always leave voicemails, your mom said that you’ve been really busy. I’m sorry for bothering.

____________________________

July 17, 2017

I miss you. I miss you so much that I wear that jacket you gave me all the time. I’m going to college. Not in the UK, but hopefully you will come back soon. I study hard. But sometimes I have these moments when all I think about is you, and another girl. You probably have a girlfriend. You’ve probably forgotten about me. But I still promised you. I will keep that promise.

I hope you get breaks. That you aren’t working all the time. Is your dad pushing you? I know he can be like that.

My birthday is coming up soon. I wish you would at least text me or call me. Just your voice would be reassuring. I think I’m asking too much.

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

———————————-

Namjoon’s Point of View— July 17, 2017

I am not going to lie about the situation. Y/n has been terrible lately. She has definitely gotten worse. She never eats or interacts with anyone else except for me and the boys. It’s like Jimin was the reason she was put onto this earth.

“Hyung, Y/n’s birthday is coming up. I think we should invite Jimin Hyung down. For Y/n/n sake.”

Jungkook misses the way Y/n lit up when they all hung out and played video games together. They never do that anymore, especially now that Jimin’s gone and she’s started going to college.

“Good idea, Kookie. We should. Go get the other boys and tell them we are having a meeting.”

He smiles and runs up the stairs. I turn off the TV and clean up the living room.

Once all the boys pile down the stairs and into the main room, I clear my throat and stand in front of everyone.

“Okay! So everyone knows, or at least I hope you do, that Y/n’s 20th birthday is coming up. Kookie, had the bright idea of throwing a surprise party for her, and inviting Jimin to come down for about a week or two. What do you guys think?”

“Can she handle seeing him after such a long time?”

Yoongi asked. He really cares for Y/n’s mental and emotional health.

“I think it is better if we follow through with it. They both need to see each other.”

I confessed. I think it’s settled.

“Then my idea is the best! Can we all go out to eat now? I’m starving..”

We all laughed and went out to eat.

————————————————————

Y/n’s Point Of View— July 20, 2017

It’s almost my birthday..I think you probably know that. At least I hope you do.

I remember when time just flew by like it was nothing when we were together. But now it’s so painfully slow.

I keep wishing in the well outside of our school, that maybe, just maybe you would show up for my birthday.

Have you really forgotten about me? Has it been that long?

4 more days, Jimin, is that enough time for you to pack and come over here? I think it’s plenty..I think you could do it in less because I bet you are just so excited to see me..right?

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

—————————————-

Jimin’s Point Of View— July 20, 2017

Gosh I miss you so much..I bet you think I forgot about you..But I think the same.

I have made 0 friends here..I only have so much attention and I’m going to give 90% of it to you and 10% of it to the boy’s..that’s not selfish, right? I don’t think so.

I meant what I said back before I left..no other boy should be as close to you as I am, or at least was. Yoongi has texted me so much..and I guess they are wanting me to fly over and surprise you. I think that’s an amazing idea, but will I recognize you? And will you recognize me? I wonder if it will be a surprise..

I bet you’re depressed, about me not contacting you..

To be honest, I’m too scared.

What IF you have moved on? I don’t want to face that pain..I’m so vulnerable without you next to my side that if I hear the words, ‘Who are you?’ Or ‘Oh, I have a boyfriend’, my mind will go totally blank and I’ll hide myself away just like I did when I left.

The truth is..I think you are my soulmate. I think you are the one that was put on this earth for me to find and to love.

I'm going to come to you and prove my love for you.

Because when I think of you..

—————————————————

Y/n’s Point Of View— July 20, 2017

I really do love you, Jimin..I’m just so lost without you. Cliché, I know.

You’re my soulmate. I just know it! I have never felt the way I do about you with anyone else! You are the one!

Whenever I see you, I’m going to never let you go. Not like last time. You aren’t going to stay away from me. We are going to be each other’s happiness.

And just your smile. I look at the pictures we took together everyday. Your smile brings me joy, like butterflies in my stomach.

And when I think of you..

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

—————————-

When I see you, it’s like seeing color for the first time.

When I hear you, your words make me love to listen.

When I touch you, the feeling of your warm, soft skin lingers on my fingertips.

When I think of you..

[hydra-collector]

love & death & kisses

AO3

Pairings: Anxceit, platonic Analogical

Characters: Virgil Sanders, Janus Sanders, Logan Sanders, Roman Sanders (mentioned), Remus Sanders (mentioned)

TW: suicide attempts, self-harm, cursing, panic attacks, v v v slightly implied sexual content, food

Words: 4,153

Summary: Virgil meets someone.

Note: Human AU, I’m bad at naming, bad at summaries, Janus is ooc, i swear this is one of my better fics

Rain seeped into Virgil’s clothes, making him even colder than he already was. He’d forgotten his umbrella at work, so he’d have to get it tomorrow. Funny how things work that way. You put things off to the side for a rainy day, but when you need them they’re not there.

A tall, slim man stood beside him. He would usually avoid other people at the train station as much as he could, but he didn’t care at this point. He was cold, tired, in a depressive episode, and frankly too out of it to care.

The other man didn’t have an umbrella either, but seemed much less bothered by it. He checked his phone occasionally, but only typed something once or twice, aside from a seemingly frustrating venture on Google Maps from what Virgil could see. He was more on edge by whatever he was seeing on his phone than the weather.

“Excuse me, do you know where the nearest hotel is?”

The first thing he noticed was that the man was absolutely beautiful.

The second was his scar.

A wide scar, seemingly a burn mark, covered the entirety of the left side of his face. It traveled down his neck and past his shirt where Virgil couldn’t see it. His left hand had it as well, a pair of gloves stuffed in his pocket. His eyes were also heterochromatic, one much paler than the dark brown of the other.

Virgil didn’t want to talk to anyone, especially after the earlier events of the day, but he tried his best. He subtly hugged his side to provide pressure comfort.

“I think there’s one a couple blocks from Edwards Station. I don’t remember if it’s south or north. I can check.”

Virgil pulled out his own phone and found that it was half a mile north. Logan had sent him a text asking him why he was so late. He didn’t want to explain that he had to spend an hour on a bench in the pouring rain, trying to calm down from a panic attack. The stranger confirmed and checked his phone again, sighing when he didn’t find what he wanted.

Virgil could see his screen slightly. He’d been talking to a contact named April, both of them using a lot of cursewords angrily at each other. It looked like a pretty bad breakup. He figured he’d been kicked out.

The train arrived a few minutes after that. Virgil was never going to be comfortable with the thought of a big, heavy object rocketing in his general direction, but he wasn’t attempting suicide or anything at the moment. He learned to deal with it.

“Sorry, Logan, I’m here now.”

Logan had been Virgil’s roommate for almost three years now. He’d been his best friend even longer. He was the one there for him when he needed it most.

“What happened?”

Logan was making dinner for the two of them, which Virgil was disappointed to find out. The rule was they could make each other meals, but whoever made it got to choose what it was, and Virgil has never known Logan to make anything junkier than chili. Virgil had got him to eat macaroni and cheese a few times, so he counted that as a win.

“I… had a pretty bad panic attack.”

“Is there anything I can do to help now?”

“I think I’ll be okay. You don’t give bad hugs, though.”

Logan smiled slightly and hugged his friend firmly. He’d looked up the best ways to comfort people physically and figured out what was best for Virgil.

“Thanks, L. What’s for dinner?”

“I’m afraid you’re going to have to make it yourself.”

“Hey, you have plenty! You’re using two pans!”

“You hate fish, Virgil.”

“That’s fish? Ew.”

“What did you think it was?”

Virgil shrugged.

“Go get dry clothes.”

Virgil changed into another, softer hoodie and sweatpants. He figured he’d get something to eat later. He could go a couple hours scrolling on Tumblr or something before he’d be really hungry.

When he turned his phone on, it was still open to the hotel directions.

I hope that guy’s alright.

He’d seen him a few times before, he realized. The unmistakable bleached hair against the man’s dark clothing he recognized had never been put to a face, but he’d been at the train station a few times before. Virgil vaguely wondered if he got off work at the same time as he did and it was a coincidence seeing him today since his whole thing with April, or whoever.

You don’t know what happened, shut up.

Virgil squeezed his arm with his fingernails, hoping to make his self-hate go away.

Today was exhausting.

He didn’t want to go to work the next day.

~~

He’d had another bad day. His boss complained about the quality of his work again. It seemed he was fucking everything up lately. He���d gotten Roman angry at him for an insult accidentally personal, and Logan angry at him because he’d started cutting again. Who could blame him, though? It was just so much easier to cope by hurting than actually trying to help himself. At least he was still showering.

At least it wasn’t raining.

It felt like it, though. There was weight on his shoulders and chest, and he needed to cry. He wished he could afford a therapist. Then again, did he even deserve help?

Stop.

His inner voice was right. He should stop being so self-deprecating, it was annoying, he’d always been an attention seek-

Stop.

Virgil exhaled, rubbing his forehead and sitting down on the bench instead of standing for the train.

“Didn’t get to thank you. For the directions.”

“Hm?”

It was the man again. This was the first time he’d seen him in the few days since then.

“I needed a place to stay, thanks for telling me where it was. I tried looking it up, then texting my girlfriend to ask her if… I ran out of data, I wouldn’t have been able to get there if you didn’t tell me.”

“Oh. You’re welcome. Glad you found the hotel.”

He half-wished he didn’t have to talk to anyone right now, but something drew him towards this man.

And then he initiated a conversation. For once in his life.

“You just get off work?”

“Yeah. I work at the zoo. Reptile house.”

“Wow. I just have a boring tech job. I’m assuming you like reptiles, which one’s your favorite?”

“It’s basic, but I’ve always liked snakes. I have three.”

“I could never handle snakes. I know they probably won’t hurt me, but I’m anxious about everything.”

Am I oversharing? Should I be talking about my anxiety? Is that weird?

“I have a deathly fear of spiders, so that’s valid.”

Virgil would have said something else, but the train came, and it was difficult to talk onboard. It was weird how easy it was to talk to this person, even though he’d just met him.

~~

They’d got to talking about snakes.

Big breeds, small breeds, the most dangerous, the least dangerous kinds of snakes. Virgil swore he was being converted to like reptiles by this man. He talked about them with so much excitement, more than he showed any other time. Mostly he was calm and collected, a bit like Logan.

“I never got your name.”

“Oh, it’s Janus.”

Like, Janice?

“As in the Roman god, not like suburban mom.”

“Ah. Virgil.”

Neither of them smiled often, so whenever someone who knew them saw the smile, it always made them a bit happier as well. It was already happening with them, even a week or two into knowing each other.

“What kind of snakes do you have?”

“I’ve got a green tree python, a corn snake, and a ball python. Diana, Mercury, Liber.”

“All Roman names, huh?”

“Yeah, I’m a bit of a nerd.”

“It’s fitting.”

It was so easy to talk to him. More so than any other stranger. Usually he’d get anxious and all his energy would be expended (he usually had a mental breakdown if it was a lot of people). Something about him, the way he talks, moves, looks at Virgil. He’s like a reptile.

Don’t get a crush on him. He’s probably straight.

Maybe he isn’t, though. He could be bi or pan or something.

The train interrupted their conversation, but Virgil kept glancing over at Janus throughout. He was looking down at his phone, he must’ve gotten more service. Virgil got off after him, but it gave him time to consider Janus before he got home.

“Logan, I’m getting a crush on a straight guy and I just found out his name today.”

“You’re odd, Virgil.”

“He’s hot. And he likes snakes.”

“You hate snakes. Wouldn’t someone with an interest in spiders be more akin to you?”

“...He’s scared of spiders.”

“Virgil…”

~~

And he did get a crush on Janus.

They talked every day they saw each other, finally remembering they could exchange numbers. They spent months getting to know each other with pretty limited interactions, as neither of them texted or called much anyway. It wasn’t exactly a good thing, though, because he either spent his time at work thinking about Janus, panicking because his boss was mad at him because he wasn’t doing his work (because he was thinking about Janus), or completely depressed because he was angry at her for giving him a panic attack. And the cycle would continue.

It turned out April was his girlfriend, and they’d been in an unhappy relationship for a year or so. He was glad she’d broke it off, but was left without a house for a while. He’d managed to share an apartment with his friend Remus and that was going okay. Virgil didn’t tell him about his depression, but was open enough about his anxiety. Luckily for Virgil, he mentioned an ex-boyfriend.

He was not straight. Maybe he had a chance.

Are you kidding? He’s not gonna want to date you, worthless bitch. You can’t make him deal with your mental health, and he probably hates you anyway.

Their interactions were mostly limited to the train station, but that only meant Virgil appreciated them even more.

Still, he wished he could be happy.

The only times he was were, well, when he was talking to Janus and when Logan gave him hugs. Talking to Logan was enjoyable, but he kept reminding himself about everything going on, everything wrong with himself, how he kept fucking up, and cutting and wanting to kill himself. With Janus, he forgot. It was so easy to smile and laugh at sarcastic jokes and the cute things he did, like blush when he laughed and stick out his tongue unintentionally.

Time flew by when they were together. There wasn’t enough time before the train came to talk nearly as long as Virgil would have liked. Still, every interaction was worth it. His love for Janus grew the more he talked about what he does, and he actually seemed interested in Virgil’s job, even though he swore it must be the most boring on the planet.

“I think you’ve conquered my fear of snakes, Janus.”

“What’s this? I’ve shown my little ball of anxiety the ways of the snake with my own love for him and reptiles.”

My little ball of anxiety? And did he just say he loved me?

Was he thinking about this too much?

One corner of his mouth was raised in a smile and Virgil couldn’t help but blush, however much he wanted to ignore it. Janus chuckled slightly and picked up the conversation again, mentioning how Diana had gotten out and managed to get herself on the couch. Virgil proceeded as well, debating whether it meant anything or not.

~~

Virgil felt sick.

He felt all things horrible. Depressed, anxious, angry, hopeless, and worthless.

Over and over it repeated.

“I’m afraid someone as unstable as you isn’t fit to work here.”

Unstable.

Unhealthy.

Worthless.

Useless.

What was he going to do? He wouldn’t have money to keep living with Logan, he had to go through the stress of finding another job, people would judge him, he wouldn’t even be able to eat.

There was nothing he could do.

He trembled as he made his way to the train station. He was going to have a panic attack. Hell, maybe he was already having a panic attack. He wanted to cry but he wouldn’t cry. He had to go home and explain to Logan and he’d just have to live until-

No you don’t.

Of course he didn’t.

He was going to the train station, goddamnit.

He rubbed his hands on his face, static buzzing in his ears as tears almost came. This was going to be okay. It was all going to be okay. Finally.

He went up a different set of stairs, avoiding Janus. As he walked, the static slowly faded and was replaced with silence. Chosen silence, that is. He could hear the cars and the wind and the rain that had just begun to fall.

Fitting.

The train was early today, thank God. Its rumbling was familiar from the distance.

He took his last few steps to the edge of the platform, ignoring the tiny bit of anxiety that came with jumping down. He vaguely heard his name called over and over by the deep voice he knew well by now. He ignored it as well, starting with a slow walk, letting the raindrops soak into his hoodie. The walk sped up, and the rain got heavier, blurring out the train’s lights in a pretty way. He forced the muffled sound of his name out again, but it was getting louder.

There’s nothing you can do.

The walk got faster and turned into a run. He needed to catch the train before it slowed down.

Funny. Catching the train.

His ears pounded with the silence. So many things to distract him, things he loved. The awful sound of rain, knowing you’re going to get wet, but reveling in it anyway. The patter of feet on ground, now wood and gravel. And his voice, his beautiful voice.

The screech from the train stopped all other sounds, even splitting the silence in the bubble he created. It was warm, he hoped it was blood, so warm, so wonderfully warm.

Janus had never hugged Virgil.

He’d assumed he wasn’t one for being touchy-feely. He was tall and handsome, like the stereotypical distant, sexy man. But he wasn’t distant. He was there when Virgil needed him, even if he didn’t always know it. He put a hand on his shoulder or took Virgil’s hands in his to calm him down. He wished he’d gotten to know what kind of embrace he would have. Was it soft? Was it firm like Logan’s? Was it too tight? Was it always awkward like some people’s?

More than that, he wanted to know how his kisses were.

He imagined them soft, then passionate. Like something Virgil had always needed, the sweet feeling of pure love. He imagined he was the type to give solemn forehead kisses when a moment was serious, and short nose ones when the moments were playful. He imagined he’d kiss wherever he could on someone’s face, on his cheeks and chin, nose, lips, neck. They’d all be perfect for the occasion. There was a difference between a peck on someone’s cheek and smushing his lips against someone’s face. A slow kiss to the jaw was different from a badly-aimed one. Every subtle difference in position would say something new.

“I love you.”

“Shut up.”

“I need you right now.”

“You need me.”

He wished he’d learned every message. He wished he’d kissed Janus before today. He wished he’d at least told him and got rejected like he knew he would. He wished he could have everything. A hug and a kiss saying ‘it’s going to be okay. Nothing’s gonna happen to you. It’s-’

“-going to be okay.”

The sound of the rain hit the stones sharply, akin to the feeling on his back. Voices shouting, his voice, and a new sound.

His heart.

Virgil let himself sink into the rhythm and the feeling of warmth that encompassed him. Something was soft through the damp fabric, moving slightly every now and then. It was the pressure of something, a body-

-Janus.

He opened his eyes to see the blurry outline of blond hair covering Janus’s face. He raised his arm slowly to push it away, just then noticing the arms wrapped tightly around him, using the most of their surface area.

Janus’s eyes were beautiful and sad, was he- crying? Virgil couldn’t tell if it was the rain or tears until he sobbed, hugging Virgil even tighter, burying his face in his shoulder and muttering words Virgil couldn’t hear.

Virgil realized he was crying too. Of course he was crying, he was… alive.

He was alive.

“I’m sorry, Virgil. Please, please know I’m here for you.”

Virgil said nothing, still mute from shock. So many things happened just then, and now he was being hugged. And it was perfect, despite the rain.

“I could’ve- should’ve died.”

“No, Virgil, you shouldn’t have. You couldn’t have, I’d never let you.”

Did he really care?

“I need to- I need to tell you something.”

This could go horribly wrong.

I don’t care anymore. I’ve made the most impulsive decision of my life today, might as well make another.

Virgil took his hand to push Janus’s chin up, thumb tracing the scar closer to his lips.

“Can I-”

“Can I kiss you, Jan?”

He let his head drop towards Virgil’s, lips so close now. He would have smiled his snake smile if he could have felt an ounce of a smile.

Virgil pressed his parted lips to Janus’s, hand resting on the back of his neck. He pulled his fingers through his wet hair, feeling its softness even now.

It was everything he had imagined.

At first it was soft and tender, but Janus deepened it, hand wriggling out from under Virgil to hold his face. The raindrops drowned out that moment from the outside world. Janus’s heart quickened, as did Virgil’s, but they both relaxed into it. The scar was rough against Virgil’s face sometimes, but it only made him want him more. All either of them could hear were the raindrops contrasting with their hearts.

Virgil wanted to kiss him longer, hold this forever. When they did break, Janus laid his burned cheek against Virgil’s.

“Do you need to go home?”

He thought of Logan and how upset he was when Virgil cut, how hard he tried and how bad he felt for him. And how bad Virgil felt for hurting him.

“Can we go to your place? It’s... closer.”

“Oh- I suppose we could. I doubt Remus will be there.”

They avoided the people trying to help Virgil, weaving through the few scattered onlookers, Janus’s arm resting around Virgil’s waist. Virgil was scared he would have a panic attack again and tried to focus on Janus.

He called a cab as he wasn’t about to take the train after that, and sat in the backseat with Virgil, not letting him go for a second. It was expensive and Virgil tried to get Janus to let him pay, but he didn’t have much of an argument. Janus half-carried Virgil up the stairs and into his apartment.

It was clean, which Virgil guessed was Janus’s doing given what he’d said about Remus, and fairly dark. It wasn’t the kind of dark that made you feel uneasy, but rather as in lighted only with soft ambient light. He didn’t get a good look at their living room before Janus pulled him into his bedroom. It was painted a pretty yellow and lit with a color changing lamp, which Janus turned to purple.

He sat Virgil down on the bed, who was still rather dazed from the day. Janus rummaged through his clothing drawers until he found a shirt smaller than the others and an old-looking pair of sweatpants.

“Here, you can change into this.”

Janus grabbed some clothes for himself and left the room for a moment, allowing him privacy. Virgil removed his soaked hoodie and Evanescence t-shirt, putting on the soft purple one Janus had found. It had short sleeves, but he didn’t have anything to lose at this point. He put on the sweatpants, soft and warm and opened the door for Janus. He was changed into a big hoodie that Virgil would kill to wear.

“Are you comfortable?”

“Yeah, I- I think so. Sorry about the, the cuts.”

“It’s okay, Virgil. If you want me to get you something with long sleeves-”

“I think I’ll just end up stealing your hoodie at some point. Otherwise… it’s fine.”

“Okay.”

Virgil sat down on the bed again, craving the soft blankets. Janus took his spot beside him, wrapping one arm around his shoulders.

“Thanks, Jan. It- I’m, I’m alive because of you. I don’t know how I could repay that.”

“Tell me when this happens, and I’d die happy.”

Virgil smiled, leaning against Janus. He pushed himself against the wall, pulling Virgil along with him. He heaved the thick blanket around him and Virgil, but mostly Virgil. He snuggled into the weight and comfort, still sitting against Janus as if he were the only thing keeping him balanced.

“What happened today?”

“I got… fired. ‘Cause I’m too depressed to work. I don’t know what I’m gonna do.”

“I can help you find a job, V. It doesn’t have to be the end.”

“Sometimes it just… feels that way. Like you’re never going to get out of this pit of loneliness and you’re sure everyone hates you, and you’re so scared something will go wrong all the time even though you don’t really care.”

“I don’t hate you. And I know you can end this the healthy way. Shall we start with some ice cream?”

“Ice cream’s not exactly healthy, Janus.”

“Ssshh.”

He left for a moment and returned with two tubs of chocolate ice cream and a spoon for each of them.

“No bowls? And two whole tubs?”

“Mhm. It’s better that way. And you could have both of them if you asked.”

“Nah, you deserve some ice cream too. I probably hurt you a lot by doing that.”

“Mm-mm, Virgil. You’re hurting, not me. Self-care rule number one: you’re better than everyone for a while, put your feelings first.”

“I’m not.”

“Pretend. Now, what would you like to do?”

Virgil considered the question for a moment. It might be nice to listen to music, or to distract himself with a game or movie, but he didn’t really want that.

“Honestly?”

“Yes.”

“I… want to kiss you.”

Janus turned pink for a moment, before smiling his smile with one corner of his mouth.

Before he could say anything that he wanted to, Virgil kissed that smile. He wondered what it would be like to do so many times, so he wasn’t going to miss his opportunity. He put his ice cream down to hold Janus’s face with cold fingers, savoring the feeling of the little half-smile turning surprised and then into a giddy smile that began to kiss back. Virgil grinned when it ended, looking back into Janus’s eyes.

“So you’re going to surprise kiss me now?”

“Yep-”

Janus, just as quickly as Virgil had, kissed him quick on the nose, eliciting a blush from Virgil this time.

“Unfair, Janus.”

“Nah.”

“I’m gonna pout and eat my ice cream now.”

“Is there anything else we can do while eating ice cream?”

“I suppose we could watch a movie.”

“Lion King?”

“...Lion King? I mean, yeah, sure, okay!”

He smiled as Janus put the movie on, his familiar excitement seeping through. Virgil managed to wrestle the soft hoodie from him, revealing that one, he had no shirt, and two, that Virgil would cuddle Janus’s burn marks and he appreciated that. As Virgil fell asleep next to him, he pressed his lips to his forehead, who was just awake enough to feel.

And one by one, the messages were unlocked to him. Once, after a dance, came the desperate, passionate kiss that told him “I need to kiss you.” One Disney marathon he came to feel the peppered kisses on his cheeks that said “You’re adorable.” After a weekend trip alone he got the long cheek kiss that said ‘I missed you.’ When he finally got a job, he was given the messy kiss, cheeks held tight that said “I’m so proud of you.” One tired night he blushed at the kisses on his jaw and neck that said “You’re hot and I’m bored.”

And again and again and again, the tender forehead kisses that said “I’m here for you. I love you.”

[atouchofgreen]

Weed & Mental Health (adolescent)

Mom and Dad,

In the recent months I have experienced cognitive decline that I attribute to my use of weed cartridges. I started smoking weed cartridges when I was in my senior year of high school, and  became addicted. I hated it but for some reason I couldn't stop I smoked daily. Although I took month long breaks often, I continued to smoke in college during my first 2 years. Towards the second semester of sophomore year, I used legal delta 8 carts instead of delta 9 carts. The only negative aspect of using up to my sophomore year was my lack of motivation and any minute cognitive changes went away following abstinence. I should have quit or asked for help. In high-school I asked for help by leaving my stash on the laundry machine and gave a singular puff to mom one time (she thought it was an e-cigg though). In highschool in my AP Chemistry class, I saw a kid at the end of class do a hit from a similar weed cart in front of his friends. It would have been so easy for him to get caught, he was standing up giggling with his back turned but the teacher was on the computer and didn't notice. I recognized then that this kid was so alone with his addiction that he did it in front of his friends at school out of pain and solidarity. He had an expressionless face most of the day and seemed distraught, I knew from the grapevine he smoked a lot. He was like me, addicted, and did a hit in school subconsciously screaming for help. After class I asked coach Jacobs his thoughts on using weed. He said, sitting on his computer desk chair with his hands behind his head, " I think after 25 half a joint does the same damage as having a martini, but before then its really bad for you physically, mentally, and your development as a human being. You should wait until after your brain is fully developed to try anything." I remembered this for the rest of my life. I didnt have the courage  to directly ask for help but I needed it and should have asked anyone. I couldn't quit it although I should have had the courage to do so. I tried quitting many times but I was too far down the drain mentally. But now, I am scared for myself. I quit completely following moving jethin in because I was noticing cognitive decline in myself. It was terrible. One morning, I woke up and nothing entered my brain its like I was a zombie. That is why I quit. I hoped I would regain my functionality like before, but to no avail. My iq seems to have dropped 10 points at least. My short term memory has regressed so much that learning new information is difficult for me. Reading is harder and to recall something takes me much longer than before. I have a harder time making long term plans and imagining things. I had a hard time with understanding and expressing English as well though this has been improving. My mind is nothing like it was before. Now, my memory, pattern recognition, recall, imagination, has diminished to a much lower degree. I was fine last year and the year before that, my mental health and cognition were good, but recently it seems like a switch turned off for me. When I walk in the world I don't absorb information the same. I don't abstractify what I am seeing as easily, and my short term memory is really shot. Its like I'm just walking in the world blind deaf and dumb. I am scared I won't be able to pass my classes even though compared to highschool these classes are an absolute breeze relatively speaking to when my brain was sober. I can't do quick calculations anymore and I am acutely aware that my senses are just senses. Seeing touching hearing are just that, I can't calculate the same way i used to to create a coherent experience of what's going on around me. I don't have appreciation for life anymore. I  am telling you all of this now because i have really experienced cognitive decline and I am extremely depressed, unhappy, and anxious. I am afraid that my prefrontal cortex and hippocampus is permanently damaged. Weirdly, I've had a dull ache in my head ever since I've quit, in the middle and front of my brain, that's been getting slightly better with time. The slight discomfort or pain is always there its terrible. It also gets better temporarily when I cry, meditate, or sleep for an extended period. I hope that after a few months this dull pain would subside and my mental capabilities would return. Even my dreams are less complex and have less emotion. All of this is what I talked to that therapist about.  It's not like I am sad ALL of the time, but a lot of it. But I am pretty sure my mind will never be what it was before. I experienced life to its fullest extent while I was not using any drugs, and now that I've been sober for 2 months now and my mind is not returning close to what it was. I still feel like a zombie when exercising, and I develop a deep sense of sadness right after I work out because i recognize my short term memory and mental capability are weakened which makes it hard for me to make good memories and I get anxious about my future. I am pretty emotionless, even fear is hard for me to experience. When I am unhappy, at times I break out into a sob, but because my emotions have dulled probably from the weed, I only start to sob momentarily and then return to a face of stoicism. This makes it hard to achieve catharsis for my sadness and it gets bottled up inside. I don't really mind the mental health difficulties from quitting weed - that can pass over time with proper behavior - but it's the cognitive difficulties that makes me afraid. I am afraid that I will never be able to view the world the same way that I used to before weed. I am afraid that I won't be able to become a doctor unless my brain heals over time. I have read many studies about the use of marijuana during adolescents. Although there is conflicting research, my experience suggests the worst for me - that what I am experiencing may be permanent. I also read that smoking weed during adolescence can delay prefrontal cortex maturation, meaning I would never be able to absorb information and process it  the same way ever again. If only I had read the dangers of early marijuana use earlier and understood I would have quit immediately. It is entirely my fault my life is like this now, I was too weak. Both of you have given me everything and helped me the most you could. Especially Dad. Dad, I feel so bad because you have lowered your expectations of me so much. If I hadn't started smoking, I know I would be a completely different person.  Mom and Dad, I have been thinking about committing suicide for some time. I've been thinking about it at least once a day actually for a few months. Its not that I think life and the world is terrible and bad, I actually think the opposite. Before smoking I loved life and loved myself. I could feel the world like a thumping heartbeat or a quivering harp playing soulful music. I feel like killing myself because my current and future experiences will be inorganic. My brain structure/chemistry probably changed forever and I don't want to live with this brain anymore. I cant understand everything going on around me thus I can never understand the world the same way like I used to. I feel like i can't learn new things, everything I do now is because I am just accessing what I learned before starting to smoke weed and during freshman and sophomore year of college. My emotions have waned. I can't calculate complex things anymore and put it into context sufficiently. I can't move my body and think strongly at the same time. Right now, meditation and thinking about my long term memory is my only friend. My short term memory is shot which affects my learning and ability to make meaningful experiences or connections. It's like I have pseudodementia though not as bad. The only joy I get is accessing my long term memory and talking long walks in places and with people that used to bring me joy. I loved Turkey so much and the time we spent I go there in my head all of the time. I love Africa, I love India, I loved my friends at swimming and during highschool. But if that's all I am living for I don't know what the point is. I curse myself everyday for making the mistake of smoking weed or not quitting when I could have. I could've become a beautiful person had I continued developing normally. I am so sorry for being a bad son. I am so sorry that you came from India to America to have a child that fucked up like me. I am sorry for the stress this places on both of you. You both did nothing wrong in raising me, I just fucked up. I am sorry for how this may affect your work dad. And I am sorry for being a liability for the family. While I am drowning I don't want you both to drown with me. Maybe I can get a job somewhere or go into the military. At this point cognitively, unless my brain is capable of rewiring itself (maybe that's what the dull persistent ache is in my head) I don't think I can learn the information necessary to safefully treat patients. My therapist said it would take 3-4 months to a year to feel normal again but I don't know what I will do if I can't return to baseline. I used to live with such a thirst for life and understanding but if that doesn't return I feel like I am dragging life down and owe it to my memory of what life was before weed to take my own.  Currently my plan is to wait a year and a few months before seriously thinking of committing suicide if I don't heal because the pain I am feeling is so immense. I want to live life FEELING everything organically regardless of what it is. Also my smarts are gone and that gave me tremendous joy. I know what life was like before using weed and I know how it should feel. But I cannot properly life, my sense of self, empathy, and life around me currently. I am walking around blind deaf and dumb I don't know if I want to live this way for the rest of my life. I would have loved to become a doctor.

I just don't know what to do anymore, I don't want to kill myself and I don't think I will have the balls to frankly but that saddens me even more if I can't feel or process what I am experiencing for the rest of my life. Life is too short to waste, any life really even if I'm dumber than what I used to be. I think of people who are paralyzed, people who have cancer, who have nobody left to care for them, people who are homeless and have physical ailments. They don't give up, but their minds are still natural. I am young and the only reason I am thinking of this is because I don't want to go the rest of my life with derealization of the world around me. I don't want to live the rest of my life blind deaf and dumb. No new experiences since the latter parts of my weed addiction have given me any meaning in life compared to what I had learned before smoking weed. I am grateful I got to experience and learn the meaning of life from my perspective and others when I was younger, thank you for that. I love you both so much. I am sorry and don't worry I am not going to kill myself its just that I am angry with myself, angry with my cognitive decline, and angry that I can't experience what life ought to be currently. I am hoping for better in the future though. I just thought you should know.

Love, Your son

Before Weed: 

I am telling you this because I am scared for myself although it may be too late. Before I tell you what I've been going through, I want to tell you about my life experience up until junior year of highschool. Although I wasn't exactly extremely smart from your perspectives, I was acutely aware of my surroundings. In school I was more focused on how things were organized and what every single person in the room was thinking and what their plans were rather then what they were teaching. It's like my brain was calculating 20 things at once and i was living existentially all the time. I was incredibly happy just to be alive. I could recall the exact positions of people and things around me, what I was thinking, and the sutle muscle movements of people over a reasonable amount of time. I used to know what people were going to say before they said them, and know someone's personality outlook on life, habits mentality etc.  just by watching for 10 seconds to an incredible degree of accuracy. The longer a person was in my focus I learned more about them exponentially. I could learn things very well and had a memory based on the things that I was focused on that was so precise and better than almost everyone I had ever met. People in high school who knew me well knew this and would be shocked how i could know things about them. Some things like sexuality and gender insecurities, presence of autism/ Asperger's as a child, family life back home, and who liked who, I could tell about people after observing them for a little. I had  respect from people at school and some teachers because they knew what I could learn about a situation or people just by being in the same room. I could learn new words in the blink of an eye if I heard it just once, I was constantly calculating. With dad, I could not learn what he tried to teach me though just because I was so scared of him that my focus wasn't there and panic was always set in I was scared to be beat frankly (i wasn't scared of the pain but just scared what it meant which was hard for me to fully realize because I would slightly repress the memories and I don't like to do that). But it's from him I learned how to analyze people and the world. But he is one of the only people I've ever met where I could not track his mind to a satisfying degree. For most people I would now what they were thinking, what they were incubating in the back of their head, and their current plan of action in a glance by looking at the eyes and body. I could not do this with dad because his mind is faster than mine it was too hard to keep up. He has mind palaces that are so structured and he can jump around his mind so easily I couldn't keep up with the mind palaces he created and how he navigates them. It was harder for me to do this with people who had a very high iq but I would practice everyday and would cherish analyzing introverts for practice. I walked on a street with a hundred people I would make an observation about each of them and could later recall exactly what I saw and what I was thinking. My kinesthetic sense was very good so physical distances was easy for me to calculate and remember. I truly believed that before starting weed I would become a doctor because all my strengths coincided with it. This ability, although most ppl might be able to do it, peaked for me right before starting weed. I was very much in tune with spirituality and enjoyed reading storybooks, meditation, and socializing. I was never focused on myself but what was around me, I kept my thoughts and feelings in a box in my mind to help me learn as I recorded what others were doing and thinking. I had balls - I asked out girls in highschool, and honestly wasn't afraid of much because both of you enabled me to experience life by taking me everywhere.

[bookworm411]

A Love Letter to Steven Universe

I was eighteen when I first watched Steven Universe. My friends had been trying to get me to watch it for...i don’t even know how long. Years maybe? Because it was a long, long time before I watched the show that they had me listen to Here Comes a Thought when I was feeling particularly anxious one night. I’m pretty sure I cried. I’d never heard a song describe anxiety in such a clear way, and I used it to help calm myself for a long time after, before i even knew who the characters were or what the episode it came from was even about. 

Then I started watching Thomas Sanders on YouTube, and he’s a big fan of the show. The more I watched his videos and heard him talk about it, plus the nagging from my friends, the more I thought about watching it. 

Now, this was after I’d graduated high school, and I wasn’t in the best mental space. I couldn’t get into/afford collage, I didn’t have a job or even know how to start finding one, or honestly have the urge to get one, so I was at home by myself a lot. All day every day, alone with my thoughts and my sense of, well, uselessness as a human being, with only YouTube, Netflix, and Hulu to keep me company while all my other friends were out doing something with their lives.

I’d been depressed for a long time without realizing it, but this isolation only made things worse. 

Thomas Sanders helped. His Sanders Sides videos brought me into a community full of amazing, supportive people. People who...also loved Steven Universe. 

So eventually on one of my long hours trying to decide what to watch after finishing Gravity Falls and trying to fill that void, i decided why not? There were a lot of episodes, it would fill the time for a while. 

Anyone who’s watched the first few episodes of the show know that it’s...interesting. The first season itself is something one of a kind, but those first few episodes with Cookie Cat and Frybo know that the first time experience of those episodes are something you’ll ever forget, for better or worse. 

There were things i didn’t like, of course. there were weird animation moments, Steven was a little bit too annoying at times, Lars was an asshole. 

But oh man, the great stuff. Garnet’s complete mystery, Connie’s introduction episode, Giant Woman, Amethyst's pure chaos, the absolute love between the gems and Steven, The Cool Kids being absolute sweethearts to Steven, Greg being so supportive even if he’s a little distant from the gems, Steven’s clear want to know his mother, Together Breakfast, Secret Club, Pearl and Amethyst slowly starting to understand each other and get along. Fucking Stevonie. Lion. the flashback episodes where we got to get to know Rose the same way Steven did, the songs. 

Don’t even get me started on the songs. 

I was singing along with the opening two or three episodes in. 

I started to loo forward to it, as I went through the show. My days went: wake up, get food, watch Steven Universe, probably do something else for a bit, go to bed. Repeat. 

(like i said, i had nothing else to do) 

I fell in love with the show. I saw a lot of myself in Steven (yes i know i said he was annoying but so was I). In fact i don’t think I’d ever related to a character more. His kindness, his absolute willingness to help anyone who needs it, the love he has for everyone and everything. He was everything i wanted that part of me to be. I was a very eager to please kid, always running errands for teachers, bringing presents for classmates, offering comfort to someone when they needed it. I’m not trying to brag or boast, that’s just...always been who I am. To a fault. 

So yeah, I saw a lot of myself (mostly my younger self) in Steven. It helped me connect to him and relate to him easily. 

But also, as a storyteller, I was enthralled with the world. The idea of the gems, who they are, where they come from, watching the Townies get used to the weird stuff always going on, watching Steven become a Crystal Gem. The art was beautiful and again, the songs. There were just so many things that I loved about the show that only grew the more i watched it. 

Man, I don’t think I’ll ever forget watching Jail Break. Everyone in the fandom talks about it, but it really is just an iconic episode. Meeting Ruby and Sapphire, realizing Garnet is a fusion (which was obvious in hindsight but shut up), Stronger Than You, the baddass fight between Garnet and Jasper. The Lapis and Jasper fusion, the shared feeling between me and the characters at the end of “well. that just happened. what now?” 

I loved learning about Beach City, how the gems were involved in the history of it, how different Steven’s Earth is to ours (39 states?) 

Then, oh man, Peridot, the growing realization of Steven learning how to deal with his mom’s shadow. I absolutely love the episode where he and the cool kids find Peridot’s escape pod. They had the guts to say to the gems what Steven didn’t or couldn’t or didn’t even know he should. 

I could go on and on, about all my favorite plot points, songs, characters, but this is already so long and I’m only on season 2. 

Watching Steven grow, go from this little kid who just wanted to be a part of the team to being the leader of the team was incredible. The show talked about real stuff and showed real problems. Everything from making the gems understand that Steven was still a kid to understanding that a step parent can love you more than your biological one. Even just dealing with loneliness and trying find your place in the world, which Steven goes through multiple times. 

I can’t count the number of times i re-watched the show. It was my pick-me-up show for when the depression was getting me down, when i needed some light in my life. 

During all of this, through every Steven bomb that came out after i finished season four, i started going through my own journey of trying to find my place in the world. I started to go to therapy, eventually. I’ve got a job now, which is nice (if exhausting). I’m 20 now, though, so it took a long time for me to get here, and I’m still trying. 

But there were moments that I always held onto. Watching Change Your Mind for the first time as it aired, getting so excited when a new episode was coming on (it reminded me a lot of when i was little, when i would do the same thing for Teen Titans or some other show. The times before you could just pause the TV were fun yet stressful for your bladder). settling down and watching new episodes with my friends when they came over. Singing Here Comes a Thought to my friend’s son when he was an infant, and then watching him watch the TV as the song played while i was re-watching Mindful Education, and then looking at me, like he recognized it as the song I’ll sing to him sometimes. Man I can’t wait until he’s a little older so we can watch it together. 

Steven Universe Future honestly reflected the person i was when i first started watching the show (on a very superficial level). Steven trying to figure out what to do now that the universe didn’t need him to save it, him trying to see where he fits in again. Him finally, finally coming to terms with the fact that he is not okay, and having that meltdown that finally led to him getting help, and that got through to his family that he needed them, not the other way around. 

I just watched the finale today. I cried like a baby. I’m not afraid to admit it. Watching something that means so much to you end is the definition of bittersweet. 

Seven Universe was there for me in my darkest times, when I needed that bit of light. He brought me closer to my friends, helped me make new ones. Gave me something to love when that was hard for me to do. 

Now, the show didn’t cure me. It didn’t snap something inside of me or anything like that. It was just a comfort. A warm blanket wrapped around me with a cup of hot cocoa on a snowy day. It didn’t make the snow go away, but it blocked out the cold long enough for me to remember what it’s like to feel warm again, and make me want to seek that warmth permanently. 

So thank you, Steven, for everything you’ve done. I’m glad you’re getting the help you need now too. 

And thank you Rebecca Sugar, for bringing this light into the world. For fighting for your vision, gifting us your talents, and being a true inspiration to me and many other creators. I can’t wait to see what you’ll do next (hopefully after you take a long deserved vacation). 

I can’t believe we’ve come so far. 

[sirfrogsworth]

The Great Depression Purge of 2020

I’ve really been struggling with my health for the past month. The comfortable balance that I had achieved stopped being so comfortable. I basically slept for the last 2 weeks straight. Now I’m awake a tad more, but I can barely move. My muscles are much weaker than normal. I often can’t concentrate. I just feel physically miserable way more than usual. And it’s been happening long enough for me to think it is more than a slump or a wave or something that will just pass with enough time. 

I kept looking for a physical cause for my physical symptoms but now I’m starting to think it’s mental--as depression and anxiety can manifest in very physical ways. 

I think I’m depressed and anxious in part because the world has become a verse of We Didn’t Start the Fire. (Though perhaps it should be called We Didn’t Start the Fire But Our Inaction Made Sure It Sucked As Much As Possible).

Australia caught on fire and all the animals died and people were still like, “I don’t know about this Climate Change business.” And President Crimes won't stop criming. And he may have killed a guy to distract from his criming. Which almost started a war. It still might. There is an impeachment trial that Republicans don’t seem to care about. Turkey wants to have girls under 18 marry their rapists. There is too much infighting on the left when we need to be on the same page. I’m worried if Trump gets elected again my benefits will go away and I’ll just... die, I guess. His administration is talking about "tightening eligibility" for disability. I literally need that to live and stuff and I don’t know what “tightening” means. Apparently they are also checking disabled folks’ social media to try and catch them faking. So I worry maybe I should post a picture every week from bed and be like, “Boy, I sure feel super disabled still.”

But my personal world feels like it is on fire sometimes too. My parents are struggling with their health. My mom is in constant pain. My dad is always one bad test result away from being in the hospital. And poor Nibbles. I can’t imagine how Chris is feeling right now. My brother still won’t speak to us or let us be a part of his life. And if you knew the reason you’d probably be like, “That makes NO sense. That’s some straight up bullshit.” I still haven’t met my niece. I saw a picture on a phone for 3 seconds. I wouldn’t recognize her unless someone said, “Hey, this is your niece.” Otis got excited about something and wasn’t paying attention and accidentally fell down the last few steps, and while he is fine now, he’s afraid to go down them again. And since I don’t feel good, I have a hard time going up to see him. I miss him. My two bestest friends are struggling and they are just so far away. I’m really worried about them and I miss them and it has been way too long since I got to hug either of them. I’m just so lonely all the time. The loneliness is like this mental stomach ache that never goes away. And most of the time I can focus on my writing or watch movies to distract myself, but when I get super tired it is much harder to keep it from leaking in. It’s not like I don’t want to think about it. It’s important to acknowledge that stuff and process it. But it’s also not healthy when I can’t control how much I think about it and when I think about. 

I have just been feeling so helpless. 

I can’t help my parents. I can’t help my friends. I can’t help my dog.

I can’t help myself. 

Last night I broke into tears in front of my mom and kept repeating “I can’t help anyone. I can’t help anyone. I just want to help.” 

I felt this profound desperation wash over me. It’s like I can feel the entire world is in pain and it is weighing down my heart so much that I cannot physically stand anymore. 

I’ve always felt compelled to try and make things better. To try and make people a bit happier. Try to inspire. Try to motivate. Try to teach. Try to fascinate. Try to give a glimmer of hope. Try to leave this world better than how I found it. It is this purpose that flows through me and is as inherent as the blood in my veins. It is me. But my health has always been an obstacle. One that I have often found creative ways to navigate around. But when I feel like this. When I physically have no energy and can’t seem to even make a dent... I just feel wrong. At this point, I’d settle for the tiniest of dents right now. A microscopic dent. A nano dent.

Beyond that, I am unable to feel productive which has always been a huge trigger. I can’t finish writing. I can’t finish cleaning. I can’t finish all of the projects I started. 

I started reorganizing my basement and upgrading/enhancing my bedroom. It is my command center. It is the hub through which I connect with everyone and everything. And since I can’t leave this space I thought I’d try to make it as nice as possible. But I lost energy halfway through and it looks like a disaster zone. Now boxes of stuff create an obstacle course everywhere I walk. My room has wires going everywhere because I couldn’t finish cable management. My computer has its guts exposed because I can’t find the energy to put it in the new case I got.

And then there is my home theater system. 

I budgeted, saved, and even sold hard-to-let-go-of photography gear. I avoided eating out and bought more bulk frozen food. We got rid of our cable television package. I was very determined and after a year of eating mostly chicken nuggets... I was just barely able to get a (kinda) fancy new TV for Christmas. And it’s fantastic and I love it. But all of my other stuff that connects to the TV is old and it there have been... issues. 

(Warning: Technical rant starts here.)

My video card has HDMI 1.4 and doesn’t like 4K60. Which is frustrating, but I can just use Plex and stream to the TV. Acceptable workaround. It’s fine. But then my sound system won’t work right because my audio receiver is 11 years old. It missed having HDMI ARC by one year. And for some reason, my streaming apps don’t like optical cables and Disney and Hulu can’t figure out why. So everything is in stereo. And I did not spend a decade slowly building up a surround sound system to listen to the Avengers in frickin’ stereo. So now I have to save up all over again for a new receiver. But do I get a cheap one for right now? Or do I listen to things in stereo for a year and save up for a nicer one that has all the features I want and could last me another 11 (or more) years? Because sometimes when you are poor, saving up for the longer lasting, nicer thing is actually a better financial choice because you don’t have to buy two things. But I guess I don’t have to figure that out right away because I can’t afford either until I eat a bunch more nuggets. 

And then my fancy photography monitor from 2012 started having... issues. It has always had amazing, accurate colors and allowed me to edit pretty much every cool photo I’ve ever taken. I love this thing. One of the best purchases I ever put myself in debt over. It is where I talk to my friends, where I write, where I create funny photoshops. It was way ahead of its time and still has similar specs to a lot of the newer models you could buy today. But in the last few months I’ve noticed the top is now darker than the bottom. Not only that, but there is a yellow color cast developing. If it was uniform, I might be able to compensate with calibration. But it follows the same gradient as the dark top and light bottom. So the yellow is more intense at the top and faint at the bottom. When I want to do color accurate work, I now have to move the top of my images to the bottom of the screen. Which works, but is annoying as heck. 

Part of me wonders if this had happened before I got the new TV, maybe I would have gotten a new monitor first and then saved up a little longer. But I guess that is pointless to fret about (even though I still will) because I don’t have a time machine. 

(end of techno rant)

I just wanted to create a little movie theater in my room because I missed going to a proper cinema. I just wanted a cool command center that would help me do my work and keep in touch with my friends and the world. I just wanted a comfortable, clean, organized, uncluttered space that I wouldn’t mind never being able to leave. And instead of achieving that goal I feel like I am surrounded by chaos and I don’t have the energy or money to fix it at the moment. And since I have been working on this Froggie HQ Update project for like 6 months, the stress of non-completion has been snowballing. 

But then I feel guilty because so many people don’t have what I have. Because I don’t have a car or phone and live with my parents, I was able to save up for a new TV. Other disabled folks are lucky to save up for rent or food. And so there is this voice in my brain like, “Boohoo, I don’t have surround sound and my screen is a bit yellow. Here is a tiny violin” My grandma would problematically remind me there are starving kids in Africa. And I’ll say “Just say ‘starving kids’ Grandma.” And she’ll give me a confused look. Look, she’s 91 and I convinced her Obama isn’t a Kenyan--there’s only so much I can do. 

These are such minor problems in the grand scheme. And the fact that they stress me out so much seems ridiculous. And my logical brain tries to tell my anxiety brain that when I am all alone and cannot leave this room, having a comfortable and functional space full of distraction is vital to not going mad. So maybe it isn’t ridiculous to be stressed out so much about outdated HDMI standards. I honestly don’t know which brain is right. Meanwhile the rest of my brain is just sad and anxious and guilty and confused. 

Maybe I should just blame Disney. They’re somewhat villainous at times and it seems to help other people. 

Project Failure #2... I’ve given up on my Patreon reboot for now. After my dad got sick I hit the pause button and now I can’t seem to get the energy back to resume that project. I was sooo close too. I put so much work into that. But sometimes momentum is vital to completing a goal and when you lose it, getting it back can be a Sisyphean task. I really hope I can get my health back to where it was and finish that. 

For now I will just be doing the one comic per month as usual. It’s just... I was so creatively excited for everything I had planned. I was hoping it would fill the hole left by having to give up photography. I don’t know if there is such a thing as creative trauma, but not being able to take photos anymore sure feels... significant. Like a part of me is missing. I really wanted these new comics I had planned to be special. And now it feels like yet another thing my illness has taken from me. 

And then there is this.

This number keeps growing. I have so many things that are 70-95% done in there. Things I put a lot of effort into. Things I am proud of. Things I really want people to read. But I want them to be finished. I want them to match what I have in my head. I want them to not have silly grammar misteaks. 

Like, there is a rebuttal post about nuclear energy where people said I didn’t research enough and were “disappointed in me” but I don’t think they understood I was talking about the United States only and within the timeframe of 12 years to cut our emissions. I would love to start building some of them salty Thorium reactors but they haven’t even been prototyped in the States. Which is a significant part of the approval process that could take 12 years on its own. And unless Congress changes the regulations and people stop being scared of having a reactor in their neighborhood, we are stuck with the ancient reactors we have. There just isn’t a realistic 12 year nuclear solution for the US. 

Okay? 

Is that researched enough?

474 drafts!

What was I saying? 

Oh, right. I can’t seem to finish all of these essays and it just adds to the “Things That Make Me Sad” list. 

And as that number keeps growing all of the writing seems to congeal into this singular giant monolithic pile. A fatberg of essays. And it’s so big that my brain doesn’t know where to even begin. So I kinda just shove it all into a mental closet and work on newer shinier ideas instead. But then I don’t finish those new ones. And they get shoved into the closet as well. 

My life is full of feedback loops. Problems that keep feeding themselves. And I’m not really sure how to break the loops. 

The only thing I can think of is to unplug. 

Not completely, because that never works. But I think I am going to avoid the news. Actually... avoid “staying informed” might be a better description. Which is awful considering what is happening right now. But I don’t think I have a choice. I need a break from something and that is the easiest thing to try avoiding. 

I am always reading and researching and collecting ideas for things to write about. I’ve been arguing in comment sections and on Twitter. I’ve been going to right wing sites, climate denier sites, anti-SJW sites... all to find ways to dismantle their arguments. (Which is why I laugh when people accuse me of being in an “echo chamber.”) But I’ve been spending too much time in these toxic spaces with toxic people. And while I strongly believe in the work and activism I’m doing, it’s starting to take a toll and I probably need to step away for a bit. 

So I’m not going to pressure myself to write for a while. Low pressure musings only. I’ve already got this month’s comic worked out. I’m just going to do social internetting (a.k.a. talking to my friends and looking at corgis) and watching brainless stuff. I’ve got a bunch of TV shows and movies that have been piling up. I haven’t been watching them because I’ve been trying to put the flames out on the world. I probably set my goals a bit too grand there. 

I’ll still be around. I’m not going anywhere. I’m just not going to know what the hell is happening. Katrina can tell me anything super important that I need to know. And I can always watch the impeachment streams after my head is in a better place. 

OH... there is one post about Trump’s lawyer that is like 99% done. If I find a smidge of energy to finish, I might post that. Actually, there might be another essay that is 100% done and I forgot about. I’ll look that over and see if I can post that too. 

But beyond those two things, I’ll probably just talk about whatever I’m watching or whatever weirdness occurs in my brain naturally. 

Hopefully all of that made sense. Sorry if that was long and meandering. I needed to get that out of my brain. 

I’m gonna go be a vegetable and watch all the Terminator movies in wonderful, acceptable, totally fine... stereo sound. I’ll just pretend all those other speakers I spent years saving up for are decorations.  

I don’t know how to end this. 

Ummmmmmmm...

How about a random image from my “maybe I can do something with this” folder?

delicious-chocolatey-chair-I-would-probably-try-to-eat.jpg

[istanhooman]

I'm going to be making head canons and the like on these characters by @yesimahooman

Totallyahooman, the owner of these characters, said I should make a post about her characters so you all know what you're getting into hehe. They're all cats btw, and I'm on my phone so there's going to be mistakes. Most likely.

Apparently these characters are called the "meme team" because Totally made four of them (Toby, Oliver, Gingerale, and Milo) for an animation meme and fell in love. They didn't even have names until like a month later ig lmao

Toby: He's really friendly, but unlike Two-Tone understands boundaries - even if he's a little hyper and annoying. Toby will happily drop anything for his friends. Basically the generic "good guy" Character (But Totally says he had an edgy phase in a cat's version of teen years). He has three little sisters, who always insisted on playing with him, which didn't work well with his edgy phase. Totally told me he doesn't have a father, but he has a mother that looks a lot like him and she's the sweetest darling ever. Toby's the peach-ish, brown and white one.

Two-Tone: Speaking of Two-Tone, the wittle baby man omg I love him. Totally said he was originally made for the weird animation memes, because she had the nice one, the anxious one, the dad-friend, the angry one and the murderer. And yeah, you can use an edgy killer for weird/edgy memes, but she wanted WEIRD. And so Two-tone was made. But he apparently evolved into a really sweet cat who just doesn't understand how to communicate with people. He's been friends with Toby since childhood (kittenhood?) and seemingly came from nowhere. No parents at all. Toby's family basically adopted him (though I kinda ship them???)

Oliver: Anxious boyo. He's the blue one with big worried eyes. I also love him, he's so adorable. Anyway- Oliver's worrying about everything, constantly. He's also really easy to pick on because he'd be too scared to defend himself. Actually, Cinder tries killing him the most out of the team, which forces Gingerale to protect the bb. Totally told me that when she draws the two, she can't help but draw Oliver huddling behind Gingerale for protection and I live for that. She also said that he was an only child, so he learned how to be by himself and is still getting used to actually being around other cats. She said that Oliver's mom is also really sweet, but she was too soft and didn't force Oliver into anything he was uncomfy with (which were simple fears like the dark or strangers) and so he never got that exposure that's needed to NOT be a crying mess.

Gingerale: The ginger cat. He's a very grumpy boy and hates all things fun. Actually that's not true, but he's very tsundere. He'll bully his friends, but as soon as someone does it, he's going OFF on them. He somehow always catches Cinder when she's trying to kill the team, too which would he so much fun to see. Totally said Gingerale's used to being ignored because he was one of the middle kittens of TWELVE. YOU CAN'T MAKE THIS SHIT UP RNAKKD. kinda sad to imagine tho, poor bby.

Cinder: Finally, the one I kept mentioning. The gray and white gorl. To explain her murderous ways, Totally gave me a run down: As a kitten, Cinder was severely bullied by three older ones. Their mothers didn't do anything to stop it, and Cinder's own mother was too deep in self-pity due to her mate leaving her. All because he didn't want kittens :(. So, Cinder didn't get anyone to defend her from these bullies. One night, Cinder's mom stands up and straight up leaves. Totally gave a small, sad detail of "So, wondering where her mom was going, Cinder followed after her. But Cinder's mom turns only to push the kitten away, giving her an angry glare before leaving for good. Cinder's never seen her again." And i- that's so depressing. Anyway, Cinder finally snapped and killed one of the kittens bullying her. Finally the mothers cared, but only for their own. They exiled Cinder from the area, and Cinder complied. But she never forgot how nice it felt to finally have some power and since then, she's just kinda- killed cats. Totally finished it with "Cinder found the meme team and thought they'd be easy, but Gingerale's a good match against her. So... She's just for comedy's sake now I guess". That was long, sorry.

Milo: Big boi. Big soft boi. I really like him, but also I couldn't help but think about Milo from Pokemon Sword and Shield. I told Totally this and she went "Yeah, I made him before the game was officially out and before I played it. I had no idea" And I'll just accept her word. He's cute tho, the gray tabby. He's bigger than his friends and is super fatherly to them, even though he's around their age. Always making sure Oliver isn't so scared, Two-Tone and Toby are out of trouble, Gingerale actually socializes and the twins are recognized more. Very sweet.

Aidan: Speaking of the twins, they're the last two I need to tell you about! First is Aidan. He's the one with sunglasses. And also the spikier fur, and he's the boy. I like him because he thinks he's really cool and popular, but he's not. In fact Totally always forgets the twins exist. She's getting better at it, she says. She told me that Aidan is that one "I'm so cool" character who's calm and collected usually, but if a girl (or boy, she claims their sexualities are never specified and up to interpretations for the creativity) flirted with him, he'd DIE. I need to make hcs on this.

Nadia: The pretty girl. Basically it. She's really nice and understanding, but always finds a way to insult her brother casually. The twins have always been there for each other, but at the end of the day they're siblings. They're going to argue with each other. In fact, Totally said she likes to take a bit from her own siblings and say things like "Oh yeah, and Nadia one day would be all 'Aidan, brother, listen to me. I love you, but you're ugly. No girl would like you' And Aidan turns to his sister, slightly pulls down the sunglasses that somehow stay on his face and glances at her up and down before sighing, 'But Nadia, you're forgetting. You look just like me, but curly. You're just as ugly as I am, and you won't find love either.' Or smth like that. Just the casual insulting chaos that is siblings".

EDIT: Totally told me she updated character sheets and said I should replace the old ones! So most of these aren't old now

[kris10tisme]

Social Anxiety Origin Story

Social Anxiety is classified as a disorder. Isn’t that crazy!? You can actually read up on it on the MayoClinic or Webmd websites which shows that it really is a legitimate thing; it's not just you being a pussy. Most people who have social anxiety disorder don’t know what it is or why they’re like this. When we first become aware of our incomprehensible phobia we usually feel completely alien. People with this ailment tend to feel like the ultimate freaks, which knocks down their self esteem tenfold. If you have desperately searched online to potentially find answers: I feel you. The first time I felt a sense of belonging in this world was browsing through internet forums, reading about how people had the same irrational fears I did. You can find comfort in it sure, but it's definitely not the same as finding belonging in person. I didn’t know that I wasn’t completely alone in this struggle until I was maybe fifteen or sixteen years old navigating through my insufferable high school life!  During that time google searches quickly became my best friend.

I can’t even really pinpoint where my SAD began for me. As a child I was pretty shy but I’d eventually open up once I became semi-comfortable. I didn’t ruminate whether or not I made some sort of fool of myself publicly. I was just having a blast man. Childhood is all fun and games but you really do get the carpet ripped out from under you when you enter adolescence.

 I grew up a very privileged child financially - my parents both being middle class. My bills were all taken care of, and I didn't have to worry too much about the connections I would make with others in life. I was a kid. When a kid has no friends it's sad, but when an adult has no friends you wonder what they did wrong and you try to steer clear of them. There must be a reason why they are friendless: they must fetishize feet in their spare time! When you’re a child your only occupation is being a student. I’d wake up, go to school, learn stuff, socialize a bit among peers and then go home to watch TV and repeat, not questioning or overthinking the minutiae or idiosyncrasies in my life; just living day by day. Everything was smooth sailing. I figured I would hit my peak as a teenager and do all the cool teenagery things I saw on television like going to parties, making the cheerleading squad (though I’m not athletic at all; it would just happen), and have a tumultuous relationship with several boys. I’d pick the most special one to lose my virginity to on prom night! Then college would come, I’d go there and graduate and get a job. Sounds simple right!?

WRONG!

Hitting puberty was a big eye opener for me. It’s like once I menstruated my self-esteem plummeted. Everything about life just seemed a lot more competitive. There are all these milestones that society expects you to complete by certain ages: your first beer, your first kiss, your first fornication, your first job. All terrible and unfamiliar things! Now that I had bled and grown boobs, I was in the process of becoming a woman. I had to start making preparations to accomplish these milestones.

Seventh grade was the first year of my life I was depressed, and that terrible feeling hasn’t really depleted all that much since. In sixth grade I felt like a rock star… until the end of the year. I was a downright bully, mocking people in my class for the way they looked and acted. Some of my classmates found me funny, and I liked feeling that bold. I liked knowing that people were on the edge of their seats waiting for me to comment on a situation. It wasn’t until the end of the school year when one of the girls I heavily bullied called me out on my malicious means of garnering attention from my peers. She didn’t even insult me, she just spat out the truth. “You’re mean KRISTEN! You’re a BULLY!”

I can’t even explain how thrown off I felt by that mere observation. I never questioned why I did what I did; I liked the attention. I liked being someone people would be eager to hear from to know my latest outrageous comments on what surrounds us. Hearing this girl call me out for being a mean bully was a gut punch like no other. I couldn’t believe my ears. To me this girl wasn’t a person; she was a vessel. Someone to make fun of. Someone who was an easy target because she had a whole line of insults thrown her way since even before I saw her as easy prey.

No one ever downright called me out on my behavior. My dad did tell my mom that I was a horrible daughter, and he even asked who would want to have a daughter like me. But that was mostly because I was disrespectful towards him. Such a justified comment for a parent to make about his adolescent daughter right in front of her :)

That summer break I had tons of time to reflect upon my actions. I recognized how downright awful I had been to a lot of my classmates and vowed to make amends in the coming school year. I want to say, most of the bullying took place before I began menstruating, so you can blame my abhorrent behavior on my lack of emotional resonance and the fact that my womanly empathy and sympathy had not yet kicked in. That’s how I excuse how I acted.

So by seventh grade I was menstruating, and I grew D cup breasts overnight. I became a stand-up person - someone who didn’t throw vulnerable people under the bus for my own benefit. I became what you would call... “compassionate.”

Seventh grade was the year everything went downhill for me. Maybe it was the hormones kicking in and getting the better of me, or maybe it was me becoming more aware of what society deems as acceptable and proper. I felt like I should be cultivating a role in society, and I didn’t know what role to take.  I couldn’t be loud and obnoxious anymore because my victims were starting to bite back and I realized the biting back hurt me more than I could handle.

For the rest of Junior High I struggled with my transitioning into a new person. My classmates instantly recognized how much softer and kind-hearted I became. I didn’t throw around as many insults, and if I did it was just playful banter.  Me and the girl I had so savagely bullied were on decent terms, though we never really interacted with one another except for when obligatory social protocol called for it. I struggled with finding my niche again within my class. I got along with people just fine, but I suffered through a big identity crisis: I didn’t know what I could contribute without being outwardly obnoxious. I didn’t know what stereotypical personality trait defined me. Things got a bit more fucked at home for me, so that really took a toll on me mentally. I’ll get into how family influences your socialization tendencies in another post.

I’ve never wanted anything more in life other than to be liked. I know they say that not everyone’s gonna like you and that you should accept that, but I can’t! I just can’t accept it! The only way I will accept someone not liking me is if they’re completely indifferent to me, like when I have not done anything to them or in front of them to warrant them having an opinion on my character. So I keep my mouth shut. BUT THEN… I worry about what a weirdo they must think I am. If I’m too quiet then I give people the opportunity to make assumptions about me based on the impressions they have on me. They can be thinking anything, like that I watch tentacle porn, or that I collect toenail clippings or something.

I wonder if keeping my mouth shut all these years has done me more harm than good emotionally. Speaking up opens you up for attack, and I always feel like I have to be on the defensive. But when you say nothing to anyone, are you really living your life to the fullest and taking advantage of opportunities that could benefit you?

Meeting someone and getting to know them feels kind of like a step by step interrogation for me. The worst question I always get is, “What do you do?” Which I assume means “what do you do for a living?” Another one is,“Do you have a boyfriend?” It seems to me that the general public believes having a solid and steady job and being in some sort of romantic relationship completes the prerequisites for having a satisfactory life. Do these people even consider that you may be unemployed AND single? And that they’re unintentionally making you feel shitty about yourself? Just keep the convo focused on the weather for god sake. 

I started this blog to vent about my feelings. I have been journaling a lot recently to blow off some steam because it's uncomfortable to complain about this stuff in real life. Only people on the internet can understand certain problems. I don’t know if anyone’s going to read this, but I feel like social anxiety is an underrepresented disease in mainstream media. It’s embarrassing to tell people that you are anxious for your next family gathering because you don’t know if you should greet someone with a kiss on their cheek if they’re sitting down. Do I just bend down!? Should they stand up? Am I being too forward, or are they gonna be offended if I don’t make a move to embrace them? That's a whole ordeal for me. It's not what people call a “real problem” but this is the shit I think about while I lie in bed at night. So if shit similar to that wanders through your mind when you contemplate the world, maybe you can find some sort of catharsis through this blog. We may not have a very mainstream disease, but at least we’ve got each other to relate to. We’re people who find solace in reading about similar experiences we’ve experienced online. 

 Just thinking back on the fact that what jump started my anxiety issue was a small little comment made by someone whose life I made torturous. I don’t place the blame on this girl, as I just enabled her to pull the trigger on some deeper rooted issues I bore. Although it is quite the struggle I am glad that the nastier person I was eventually transformed into a more compassionate one. I never got to formally apologize to that girl. I hope I didn’t leave a big lasting impression on her. I was really shitty to her. I would reach out to her through social media and apologize, but I’ve got way too much social anxiety for that!

Well now that we’ve covered my origin story I would love to hear about all of yours. I will continue to write about various social situations or predicaments that freak me out, as well as stuff I’ve been through at home and in high school and how I’ve evolved and haven’t evolved. I don’t want this blog to be filled with negativity. Hopefully it's self-effacing in a not too depressing way. If it’s too depressing please let me know. I don’t want to spread the feeling of hopelessness with this blog. I want people to find comfort and humor, and maybe we can come up with some potential resolutions for certain scenarios and give each other tips. If there are any readers out there, thanks for reading. I hope this in some way made you smile and feel like less of an outcast. Keep trooping on! You’re not alone :)

[ebonydusk]

Things that were, things that are, and things that may be...

I’ll warn you right now this post might get rather long, so I’ll be sure to put most of it under the line. And also warn that this post contains very personal talk about severe depression, anxiety, PTSD, abortion and suicide.

I’ve made various posts over time on this hellsite. I call it that cause...it really can be at times. But it’s also a place I can vent and put my thoughts out into the world, even if I know no one will notice or will really pay attention to it. This one though, this one is probably the most personal.

I’ll start off by explaining I’ve suffered from depression the majority of my life. I can’t possibly tell you how or when it truly started, but I can recognize now that it was there since I was young. It went hand in hand with my growing anxiety that was born of being isolated and over protected and sheltered in a small town with small minds. It’s possible it all came from the fact I was molested as a child. Up till I was at least ten. Which is the last time I let him come near me. My grandfather was a ‘war hero’. A ‘pillar of the small community’. A ‘good man and a good father’. A ‘wonderful husband’. But he also didn’t keep his hands to himself. And I never told anyone. Not my mom. Not my dad. Not my sweet grandmother. No one. They still don’t know. But my therapists and my husband and closests friends now do. I’m not as ashamed of it anymore. I realized only recently I shouldn’t be, it wasn’t my fault. And I’m not the one who should have ever felt such shame and guilt.

But keeping that secret since I was so little and never dealing with it left it’s mark on my small mind. A mark that festered and grew into fear and anxiety and self hatred.

Then I realized I was into girls. I felt...out of place. I wasn’t really shamed of that per se. But it WAS a small town. I got picked on by those that knew. Those that guessed. And those that just didn’t like how quiet I was. I was the “girl to talk to if if you wanted to ‘experiment’” to most of the girls in school. I mostly went along with it cause...how exactly did you say no to some of the most popular girls in school and not end up the target of some serious Mean Girl shit? Right? So I started my experimenting early. My girlfriend at the time got jealous easy and she wasn’t happy about none of it...but she was also closeted and afraid of people finding out. There was a point she became a source of bullying just to throw people off.  I grew cautious of telling people. I didn’t want to be targeted anymore. I didn’t want to be used. I didn’t want to be looked at as a freak. Another secret I had to keep. Another thing I had to hide. I’m more open about it now. I still haven’t pin pointed what I am myself. And that’s ok. It really is. FOr everyone who’s unsure it’s ok. No matter your age or how long you’ve had to figure it out.

I met my husband in high school. He was a bright point in those times for me. (And a dark one too, it was high school after all. Drama.) We were on and off more than once. Him being a hormonal guy and me being the idiot that kept forgiving him when he’d come crying back to me when his attempt to move on was rejected harshly. (he’s a wonderful man but he can still act like a teenager sometimes.)

And yes, we did get married. Which leads me to another stressful point in my life. I was left on my own shortly after our marriage. My husband practically volunteered to go be sent overseas. He had to ‘prove himself’. He had to ‘get away’. And so he left. We weren’t prepared. I certainly wasn’t. For nearly a whole year I was left on my own. In a tiny apartment. At first I was ok...until both cars broke down. I had no ride and I was too scared and anxious to ask for help. Cause the one time I did I got guilt tripped about being a burden to my husband by someone he worked with giving me a ride. and the manager of the apartment was a ‘military hater’. So she wasn’t happy about us. So I felt trapped. Alone. Scared. Isolated. And I gained 100+ pounds from ordering out cause I had no way to leave. It was  dark time and I was a mess and the apartment went to shit cause of it too. It was my first mental break. I didn’t recognize it then. I do now though. When my husband returned it was to a barely kept together apartment and a wife that was suddenly overweight and mentally unsound. It was a stressful time. I tried to get help...but they did nothing but throw medication at me that didn’t work.

One of the many reasons I don’t fully trust doctors.

Fast forwarding by a lot, skipping over quite a few little things that went on that probably had some affect on me. But we’re gonna go with big things for now. We’re in alabama now. I need a job. Jody helps me get one at a bowling alley on base. It’s my first job after FIVE YEARS of me trying and searching with little luck. The place was ok at first. But things went downhill fast. The promised hours were not what I got. The manager ran two buildings and the one I was at was the one she hated the most. (She admitted this often.) She micromanged everything. Talked down to everyone. Expected more than was could be given.

I was doing the job of 10 other people at that place. And for not enough hours and during the BUSIEST times of the week. The weekends. Most people will scoff at that. “Only the weekends? Pffft! You wimp! You child! That’s nothing!” Yeah. Maybe it is. But those three days of work? They were awful. They were draining and it got to the point I would actually cry before having to go back cause it was so bad. I hated it. But I kept trying cause I felt guilty. I felt weak. And I didn’t want to disappoint my husband who HELPED me get the job. During all this stress I found out I was pregnant. (this part is very upsetting for me and might be for others too. I apologize to anyone who is still reading this.) I didn’t know how to feel when I looked at that stupid pee stick. I was dumbfounded. I told my husband and...his reaction broke my heart. He panicked. Badly. He had to be sure. We went to a doctor. They confirmed. Their ‘Congratulations’ hurt me. It cut too deep. Cause I knew what my husband wanted to do. He wasn’t ready and he was panicking with every day.

He had me convinced we couldn’t do it. I knew it was bull. I knew it wasn’t true. The military would have paid him MORE to have the baby. I knew it. THey increase pay for such things. But I didn’t know how to fight him on it. I didn’t want him to hate me. I didn’t want him to regret or resent me. So...I went along. I agreed.

I know I told some people that it was done cause it was affecting my health. I lied. I felt too ashamed to tell the truth. I didn’t want to say “we got rid of it cause we weren’t ready”. Cause that wasn’t all true. HE wasn’t ready. I was more than so. I always wanted kids. At least one. But he...

He once told me “If it happens then it happens and we’ll deal”...that was clearly not the case. The abortion broke me. Both mentally and emotionally and physically. I hurt. So much. I still have nightmares at times. Not as often anymore thankfully. But back then it was almost every night afterwards. I...I went back to work. I had to. What else could I do? But not long after returning I just couldn’t anymore. I saw a therapist and he was kind. Understanding. I wasn’t used to that from doctors in the military. He helped some. But it was a temporary thing. Not a full time therapist. But even with his help I could stick it. I had to get away from that job and I needed time.

So I quit...And I felt ashamed and guilty cause I was handed that job on a silver platter and I couldn’t stick to it. I did for 4 years but I still felt horrible.

I stopped seeing that doctor. I stopped taking my meds. I just...tried to move on on my own. I tried to find other things to do. I had my friends online and they helped a lot. I disappeared into my writing. I distracted myself for a long, long time. Then things started going downhill ‘last year’, of 2019. Money getting tighter. Friends getting busy. Some of my favorite places to hang out online, RP forums mostly, were slowing or dying and shutting down. Some of the people I called friends weren’t talking to me anymore. I knew some were just busy and dealing with their own lives but it still felt painful and I felt alone again. Even with a house of three dogs, a roommate, a husband...I felt unwanted. Unloved. Useless. worthless. Pitiful. Shameful. Painful. I couldn’t sleep right. I was staying up for DAYS straight cause of my nightmares and insomnia and my brain just not turning off. I barely ate. My husband had started doing new better work but also college classes and had NO TIME. No time to talk. No time to sit with me anymore. No time. And I knew he needed space to work. I understood that. I wasn’t stupid. It wasn’t that he didn’t care he was just too busy to focus on anything but. Yet it still hurt. I was alone. I felt hollow and full of nothing but darkness at the same time. As dramatic as that sounds. I just wanted it to end. I wanted to not be a burden. I didn’t want the people I knew to feel they had to bother with me anymore. They wouldn’t need to worry or care or bother checking on me anymore. No more emotional mess that is me. No more mother hen monster fussing. No more pestering to hang out. No more.

I had a plan. I had a method. I had a place. All I needed was to wait for my husband to leave in the morning. Make sure the roommate was still sleeping in like always. And I’d take care of it all. I’d stop being a pest, a burden, a mess, a black mark on the lives of those I knew. I’d stop being a disappointment, a failure, a weakling, a pathetic excuse of life.

But one night...I realized those thoughts were wrong. just a moment. Just a spark of a thought. Through the dark fog that dominated my mind. And I sat down and talked to my husband. I told him what was wrong. I told him what I had planned to do. And he took me to someone as soon as possible. They sent me to a hospital (by the way 16 hours waiting in a hospital room is AWFUL and hospitals should be ashamed). And THEY sent me to a Behavioral Health Facility. A nut house. Yeah. BHF is just the nice way to name it. I was there for three days. It seemed to help. I calmed down. I discovered I had diabetes while there too.  I continued to seek treatment. I got my therapist. I got my psychiatrist. I have help now. Continuous help. Consistent help. And I’ve stayed on my meds this time. All this started in May 2019. I went into the BHF on May 10, 2019 and I’ve done my best to stick with everything. I’ve realized a lot about myself and I’m working on a lot of things. I’m hoping to keep getting better. There are a lot of people that helped along the way. People that kept me from doing something I’d regret sooner. Some that helped me more than they could ever realize and I wish I still talked to them. But I know they’ve had life keep them down. I want to thank them right now for being there for me. Misty, Tahki, Jessi, Tana, Fishy, Oobi, Verg, Aru, Naan, that one person who kept answering my depressing blogs and cheering me up ( I’m so sorry I can’t remember your name at this time I feel horrid), There are so many others...I want to thank you all. I’d @ you but I don’t want to disturb you with this long ass mess. I love you guys. Always will. I’m sorry for not talking to any of you more. But know I’m still here. And I’m still thinking of you. Always.

[syryns]

Do it dude venting makes you feel better

[warning: a lot of use of the f bomb in this, I also talk about self harm and a lot of depressing stuff :) I'm f*cking fine]

Ok I'm gonna vent. This isn't what this ask was originally telling me to vent about but hey, venting. And probably no one will read it but that's fine cause it isn't necessarily meant for anyone but me to read anyway.

Why is everything, every single thing, not as good as I hope. And why do I let myself hope, even when I know my hopes are far fetched and my expectations should be much lower.

Now, I know I've got a lot going for me. I have a good relationship with my family, though not super healthy, but fun. I have two good jobs, even if I fall asleep at one, and the other is so socially exhausting that I dread shifts a week before they happen. Yeah I'm overworking myself but I have things to show for it so that makes it kind of worth it. Sidenote though, I have discovered that the more consecutively I work for longer hours, the more of a bitch I become; I found myself hating people who I don't hate now that I've had some time to relax, I was so mad at everything and I wish I could apologize but I don't think people would get what I was trying to say.

Anyway, I don't have a lot to complain about apart from mental illness, trauma from grade school, and a lack of a love life. I feel bad for even being upset most of the time because I don't know what the hell I'm upset about. However, I'm not venting about that really, I'm going to vent about the fact that nothing ever fucking works out for me. Nothing has ever fucking worked out except for those things that I can't complain about. From an outside perspective it'd be: has a nice family, lives in a good home albeit messy, financially stable, good friends, physically healthy besides bad diet and little physical activity. That's great. It's great. But maybe the fucking reason I am not a hundredth as ambitious as my sisters is because not a single fucking one of my hopes has ever stuck.

When I was in elementary school, I made a little owl figurine in class. I was so proud of it, and I loved it, and I proceeded to show my mom and watch her throw it into the back of our family van to be crushed and forgotten, but not forgotten by me. When I was in middle school, my favorite magazine was looking for girls my age in my state to be in the next issue and my mom told me the deadline to enter was 2 months after what it was and I was heartbroken that I didn't even get to try, but I told my mom it was ok and that it wasn't that important anyway. I wanted to enter a drawing into a contest and when I showed my parents, they laughed at it because I'd misspelled a word, at that point it was in marker and too late to fix, so I didn't enter at all. I could go on forever about grade school ones, let's just say, I never won, and I never got on the fucking honor roll like my sisters, and I never got recognized for the things I was proud of, and I never got to leave the little box that my anxiety and family and school and world had put me in. So great. But I was a kiiiid, it's not like it really mattereddd! It's not like I was so scarred by my drawings being torn up in front of me that I became better at art just to get recognized and then have everyone think art was the only possible thing I could ever be successful in right? Or I was so insecure about my poor spelling that to this day I have to look up how to spell words that I already know how to spell to write something in my journal that no one will ever fucking read because "what it?" right? Right? I couldn't have been that influenced? And it definitely couldn't be more than just those two fucking things!

And it didn't get any fucking better after that. I went to a school with a major I don't want with no fucking plan and no idea what I was even doing there. I didn't want to be there At All. Only there because it's what my sisters did and what I was supposed to do. I failed every fucking one of my classes. Did fucking drugs. Got physically used by the person I liked. Got emotionally drained and used as a pack mule by one of my first roommates. Had to wake up every five fucking minutes on weekend nights for my next roommate so they wouldn't choke on their vomit in their sleep from getting too wasted. Dropped out before the semester even ended because it was either that or I'd be suspended for my fucking grades; which is a stupid fucking thing to do to a fucking kid, does any one person on the face of this Earth actually realize how much I was ready to throw myself out of my dorm window every night for an entire fucking month? And why did everyone try to brush it off when I wanted to talk about it? I digress.

Things were bleak, if I'm being honest, I don't think it's gotten any better, I've just gotten better at fucking dealing with it. I don't get a job until I was 18 and I didn't get my license until I was 20. Thing I wanted when I was 16, but couldn't get because not a single person of authority in my life believed in me :) and they'll say I was lazy, they'll say it was my anxiety holding me back, but then... Why didn't anyone help me? If I was that anxious, why didn't anyone help? If I was that lazy, why didn't any question why I had no motivation and no goals and no dreams? Because they wanted me to be independent? Well, I want my time back for all of it that was wasted growing up slowly only to learn that no one that is supposed to help is going to and the only people I could actually depend on are the people who depend on me just as much. I'm so tired of being the shut-in "artist" my mom wants me to be what I don't like art half as much as she wants me to. I'm tired of being the quirky daughter who just hasn't gotten her footing yet. I'm tired of my sisters thinking they are helping me by telling me to do everything they they would do in my situation because that's not me. I don't want to move to New York with you, I don't want to be a daycare provider my while life when I don't like little kids that much, and I certainly don't want to plan out my next 20 years of schooling to do something I will probably hate! I'm tired of being talked for by my family to everyone who wants to know what I'm doing. I'm not fucking fine. I'm managing. I'm not fucking losing it. I'm surviving. I thought I'd be dead by now in the serious sense and every hour I wonder why I haven't ending it already because I don't feel like I'm supposed to be here anymore. I feel like a waste of oxygen.

Ok it's been an hour since I started writing this and I have to work tomorrow. This started as me trying to say that I want my 21st birthday to be better than, my other birthdays, which won't even be hard to do, but I know it won't be a good birthday anyway.

Goodnight.

[goggles-mcgee]

Just For You

So, my sister has this friend, an on-and-off again friend. Now they are on-and-off because this friend thinks he knows everything because he has the internet and friends who say things. For the record, I'm not saying learning things off the internet or asking people their personal experiences is bad. It's not, but what you do with that information can make it a bad thing or not.

My sister and I both have depression and anxiety. I won't use the word suffer because I think using that word really sticks the thought in people's head that you're not normal for having those problems. But it is normal, a lot of people go through those problems and more. But we live with them, most know how to and they make it normal. That being said, not every person who has depression or anxiety experiences it the same way.

My anxiety, for instance, is something I can't take medication for, not because it isn't bad or anything, because it is, but I take so many medications that I medically can not take anything else without complications. So I have to work around my anxiety. Which is hard for me because ever since I was young, I basically was taught to be happy and nothing else. I thought I had to be obedient to make my parents lives easier. They were never married but they were both fighting for custody of me. The court said shared custody. I was very young when I learned (thought) that I was a problem for my parents, that if i made their lives easier by being obedient and happy, things would be better. Doing that, and going through things in my childhood that i believe, no child should have to but probably have and do and will, i developed anxiety very early in life.

I was always panicking about school and kids thinking I was weird because my mom and dad weren't together. I would always panic when I had to tell someone why I was having two birthday parties because I didn't want to hear the words, "you're so lucky." I would panic about seeing the school counselor every week because I was scared to say anything that would effect my parents, because that counselor was under court order to tell them what I said. I was scared I would never see a parent or my siblings again because of something I said. I was scared everytime I got a bruise and couldn't remember how I got it (because I bruise so easily due to my anemia and I was a clumsy child) because I could see it in every teacher, in the counselor, in the lunch ladies faces they thought something was going in in either household. I felt this deep loud worry that I would be thrust into a situation that I couldn't plan out, so I lied about tripping during recess or something like that. I was scared for kids and Sisters at my catechism classes to know I was born out of wedlock, because I didn't want to be teased.

Worried, shy, timid, sensitive. That's what they described my behavior as. Because that's what they called me to my face. So I learned early on not to show my anxiety so plainly. So now? Now my anxiety attacks are silent. They are me staring off into a corner, face expressionless, thoughts turned into thousands of TV screens all playing something different. They are me being so stiff that once they are over I'm sore the next day. They are me being so emotionally exhausted and just wanting sleep. I didn't admit to having anxiety because of my anxiety. I didn't tell anyone until college. Same with my depression. My depression is me not wanting to get out of bed because I don't want to exist, it's me not wanting to clean my room even though the mess bothers me, it's me not wanting to shower, not eat, just not exist some days. Not as in suicidal thoughts, I just have days where I don't want to exist, not die, I don't know how to explain it well.

My sister experiences anxiety and depression very differently than me. Mainly because she is very vocal about her feelings. When she starts to get anxious you can see it. She fidgets, she shakes, she spills out everything because she needs that outlet. She needs to tell someone what exactly is going through her head so she can hear it out loud and work through it. Same with her depression. She needs to talk about what is making her depressed and suicidal because keeping it in does nothing good.

But her friend thinks he knows everything there is to do about anxiety or depression because he's read about it on the internet, or a different friend has one or both and they act completely different to my sister so therefore her feelings must be fake or wrong. It's the same issue she has when she told him she wanted to go by they/them pronouns. And you may jump at me because I have been calling her my sister and her and she, but she has days when she is okay with female pronouns and days she's not. Today is one of the rare female days.

That friend says she's only doing it because it's a "trend". He's done "research" and she needs to accept that she's not nonbinary and she needs to recognize she's doing it for attention. That he can't understand it. That his girlfriend, who is gender fluid, says that she doesn't go through dysphoria, so my sister can't have it. He says she's not trans so she can't have dysphoria.

I know this is a long post, and I'm sorry, but what I'm trying to say is you don't have to validate yourself to anyone. Friends like that aren't really friends. It would be a whole other story if his research was to help my sister, not prove her wrong and say she can't tell him he doesn't understand so he can't really say anything, because it's like the whole "period" argument. That argument being that girls and boys who complain about their periods and when guys or even girls say that there is nothing to complain about, then the person having their period tells them (mostly guys who don't have periods) they can't say that because they haven't had a period before. That argument. I think if someone says they don't like that argument it's because they can't handle not being right or having the idea that they know everything.

Your anxiety, your depression, your period, your anything is not for everyone else. Those experiences aren't meant to be examined under microscopes for others to look at and pick about what they want to see. It's yours. It's just for you. Never be ashamed of that.

[derangedroyalfae]

Dear Mother, (a very personal letter I'll never send to my mom last updated Oct 20, 2017)

Dear Mother,

It seemed only right that I should write you a letter too, since that is one of your ways of getting things off your chest. You should know that I am grateful for everything you’ve done for me, for every step you have take by my side, the support you have given, but I need you to understand why I get frustrated and have a hard time communicating with you and members of this family about certain situations.

It was not true when you claimed that you recommend I see a psychiatrist. You suggested a therapist to me, but never gave me the other idea. In fact, when I told you that I wanted to see one and even got a referral, you lectured and interrogated me and tried to make me feel like the problems I was having weren’t real and even just possibly from sleep deprivation. You need to understand that it wasn’t a matter of just one night I had the impulse to see Dr. S and ask to see a psychiatrist. No. It was months and weeks of contemplating and convincing. I had to try so hard just to convince myself that I wasn’t wrong for doing so. Do you know how often I felt wrong for seeing a therapist because I was made to feel that my depression and “problems” were insignificant compared to others, especially those in this family. I had to tell myself that there was an actual problem I was having, that it wasn’t just out of jealousy or to feel special. After years and semesters of failing classes and falling behind, I knew I had to stop. I felt like a burden and failure, wasting everyone’s time and my father’s money. I was struggling so hard. When I finally made the decision to take it into my own hands and inquire for help, I thought you would be proud of me. But you weren’t. The very first night I saw Dr. G, you sat me down and told me how disappointed you were in me for deciding to take medication. And of course, as dad handed me my first bottle of pills he told me that he doesn’t think I need them. Then when I finally came out to Bear and Bunny, more lectures and disappointment. I still try though, when I up or down my dosage, I tell you, but every time I do, I still feel and hear how disappointed me you are, even if you don’t say it directly, it’s there, in the questions, in the need for you to hear me prove myself to you. I remember when I first saw Lauren after making the decision and I immediately jumped into explaining myself, and she was saying I didn’t need to. Then there was the fact that you had previously shown concern for me, too scared to let me stay home alone during the winter holidays, but not cautious enough to let me see a psychiatrist and get regulated help on medication?

You had given me a bit of a hard time for not having a job once, but the moment I started searching for one, you almost freaked out and became incredibly concerned. But you need to understand why I was desperate to get one. You wanted to rule it out to me wanting to be independent and responsible, and while I do want to be that, you were expecting me to pay $75 a month for my bus pass when I was only given $30 a month (to which you justified it as a means to encourage me to get my permit, but I hadn’t the time, money or resources to do that the semester you made me start. It felt incredibly unfair since you two had paid for Cat’s gas and car up until she was 21, and I had just turned 19). I wanted to be useful too, to those I love and in the household. The economy is so hard right now, and I hate asking for things, no matter how much I love to be spoiled. And then there’s the matter of a license and permit. You cannot say I didn’t try. I kept asking dad to sign me up for driver’s ed since I turned fifteen. Eventually he did, and so the day or two before the first day of my senior year, I took and failed my first test. They told me to come back in a week at the soonest, but it never happened for a number of reasons, some my fault as well, but I was preoccupied with my academic life. I finally got back to it and kept trying again at my permit test, I even made my own appointment and took the bus, which surprised you for some reason. And then, when I passed, I walked home because I was so proud of myself. But we were all too busy to teach me. Over winter break last year I had gotten a lesson from my friend, Stephen. He swung by our house and took me to American High and I learned a little bit. You can’t say that I never tried or took any initiative. I have even been more than willing to pay for my permit test this time around. I know it seems like I've been putting it off, but I've still been so preoccupied and a bit short on money, though that is fault of my own. 

I know I get narcissistic and can be self-righteous brat at times, but believe me, I KNOW. I am well aware that I’m far from perfect and have my many flaws. I only act that way as a mean to help me forget that I am not that way. No one can call me on my bull better than I can. My depression is linked to a lot of self-deprecating thoughts a majority of the time, which I’m sure is something you could relate to with your past experiences, and probably to an even more severe degree. But just because my problems don’t make me want to end my life or hurt myself do not mean they are not problematic or very real to me. It hasn’t been easy, and I know it’s even harder for you, and I know it’s so hard for you to hear this, but you need to stop blaming yourself and thinking that I feel this way because you’re a bad parent. It’s not about you or that. It’s about miscommunications and misunderstandings, and forces beyond our control like genetics and life and then so much more. 

I know I’ve been a bad sister to Bunny, and believe me when I say that I feel such incredible guilt for that, but you don’t understand how hard it is for me to deal with her. You’re her parent, her superior, etcetera and so on. I am her little sister. I used to look up to her so much and saw her as my epitome of beauty. Now all I can do is feel like an anxious mess incapable of currently getting along with the person that’s helped contribute to my self-deprecating thoughts and fears and other issues. I only bring this up because I know how important family is to you, it’s very important for me too, but I worry that you see me so negatively for how I am around my sister. I could not explain just how much panic and guilt I feel when I hear her voice raise. I go and lock my door and hope that will be enough, and seeing as how she once attacked my door, I feel like that my fear can be valid at times. I love her, but I feel like she judges every little thing I say.

I know I seem like I’m ever so happy and have my cool, but I struggle so much to even come off that way. I try my best to seem and be happy to keep those around me from feeling the way I do or worse. You have helped me through most of my life, and you and my father support me finically as well, without the two of you, I couldn’t see anyone for mental health or go to school, but I feel like you don’t understand were I’m coming from. I cringe so much writing this, feeling like such an ungrateful chit (not a typo) to you. But at the same time, it only feels fair. I’m glad you recognize my positive qualities and actions, but I wanted to explain the others. I don’t know if I’ve said too much or if I should even say any of this. I’m not trying to hurt you, I’m not trying to ridicule or belittle you, but I just want to inform you.

With all my love,

Royal Fae

Post Script:

There is something I'd like to say when it comes to Nurd as well. I understand you not wanting me to get pregnant out of wedlock to protect me, my body, and my future, but whether or not I have an active sex life should not change how you see me. When I tell you that I am not going to get pregnant anytime soon, even if I was sharing a bed every night with Nurd, because it's NOT possible, and that's not because of the birth control, I mean it! Besides the fact that there is nothing I can't do in a bed at night that I couldn't do any other time or place. I've slept next to Nurd countless amounts of times, full house or home alone, being in a bed at night will not change anything. Sleeping next to someone does not equate to sex or sexual acts. Even if it does, it shouldn't be the reason for the way you see me. I am your child and you should not need to think of me in such ways. And I don't understand how you can regret letting Bear and Erick share a room (even way before talk of engagement) when there was nothing to regret that came out of it. They didn't get pregnant out of wedlock, are now happily married, and expecting their first child. I don't crave to sleep next to Nurd so I can commit sexual acts with him. It is the closeness and comfort I seek. 

I know it's hard for you to believe that I suffer from an occasionally severe depression, but the night you made him leave my room was a night I was at a very big low. I had already woke up that morning feeling depressed and hopeless (I had been having a hard time focusing, staying awake, or being interested in tasks that I enjoyed), only to have my heart crushed by being refused by Spirit Halloween. Not only was I unable to finish my job at a workplace I loved, an environment I felt so at home and comfortable in, but now I would be a burden to those around me. I had no job and no one that I applied to that was hiring called me back despite it being over a week. I wanted to finally start paying rent. I wanted to be working, useful, not a total shut in. I had to lay on Muffin's floor and cry it out after it happened, not being able to fathom telling the rest of the family since I was sure to have a meltdown again. 

That night, I was going to talk to Nurd, ask him to hang out with me in my room to keep me sane, I was crushing up inside, but felt like I'd be a burden and nuisance, so stood their holding his doorknob for a solid minute or two before taking position in front of his door like a beggar. I couldn't bring myself to go inside and bother him, but took comfort in listening in to him, being distracted from my thoughts. It wasn't until half an hour later when he opened the door I was leaning against that he discovered I had been there. He finished his business and decided to join me. I hadn't meant to be loud, but it was a much welcomed distraction to me that I was being inconsiderate of my surroundings. After he left I have a full blown breakdown because I was left alone with no way to distract myself. I cried from 2AM-4AM and had self-harming thoughts that scared me very much since I NEVER get those. And I did end up bitting myself and clenched my arm with my nails to cause a distraction from the pain. I had a good 10 minutes of just silently staring out my window, jaw agape, whilst drool, snot, and tears rolled off my face and into my lap. I needed the support, and I'm sorry to say, but I would have denied yours. It's hard to accept help from those who make you feel as though you don't need it. 

Perhaps I said too much on this, but I was just hoping you understand why I needed him that night. I respect your rules and do not expect you to eliminate any, but if only you'll alter or ease them a little when it comes to that. Instead of staying in a bed with him, I'll gladly sleep on the couch. 

I believe I've told you my views on marriage before. As of this point in time, the legal definition of marriage is binding people financially. The spiritual form is very sweet and like the icing on the cake. But the deities are always watching. Mother Nature is always surrounding. Little rituals are almost unnecessary when you love someone enough to want to spend your life with them. If it would change your views on my closeness with Nurd, we'd both gladly get civilly married (he has stated this to me, so I mean it when I say both), though it would put us in a sport of financial trouble. We'd even be willing to get married in a not legal but spiritual and religious sense. To me, we are already bound, though. We are partners and will continue to be whether a piece of paper or a God or Goddess says so or not. I will spend the rest of my life with him in sickness and in health, I will love him full hearted, to be mine and to hold, and I will feel this exact way whether or not I had a piece of paper from a judge and/or ritual led by a priest or high priestess. 

[livinginfictions]

it’s kinda depressing how often the reasoning behind me or people i know having better relationships with people After they move out is about having the ability to leave.

I had a friend in school, technically my oldest friend, and let me tell you, she was pretty damn awful to me. I won’t pretend i’m perfect, but she was very very aware when she was in a position of power over me and she used it to her advantage when it suited her. We had this problem with her taking her bad days out on me. She had a boiling temper, and considering her home life, I do not blame her. My issue wasn’t with the feelings, or how often those feelings boiled over. it was with her taking it out on me. specifically on nights when I stayed over. Because it was like she stored those temper tantrums up just to let them out on me when she knew i could not leave her. I used to be an anxious mess with an intense fear of confrontation, so I literally could not make myself ask to get a ride home if I was having a bad time with her. And she knew it. She knew I was stuck with her any time we got passed 9pm, cus that’s when my mom went to bed, and I refused to wake my mom up. Her tantrums (we were around 14/15 at this time) involved screaming at the top of her lungs, throwing high heels at my head down the stairs, sobbing on the floor and shrieking and hitting. Throwing insults no one should have to hear. Things you expect from a six year old. or a three year old. And I knew why she did it. Her parents were spanking parents, so when she was little and she had those tantrums? she got hit. FInding out that I wouldn’t hit her meant i was safe to blow up at, in her mind. she could be awful to me, and not only would i take it, i wouldn’t hurt her back. It wasn’t as though I was going to change that narrative and attack her, but i was also a messed up teenager myself so I wasn’t gonna just stop being her friend either, so there was no cure to the problem.

And then, seemingly miraculously, I hit 16, and things got better. She stopped pitching fits. she stopped taking things out on me. And it took me so much longer than it should have to realize it was because she knew i could leave now. I started borrowing my moms car to visit her as soon as i got my license, instead of letting her parents come get me. Which meant that when she acted out of line, I could literally stand up and walk out without an ounce of effort from anyone else. There were consequences to her actions, and she didn’t want them, so she changed her behavior. It’s like when you refuse to interact with a child who needs to chill out, or respond to a dog that’s flipping shit about you coming home. You remove yourself from the situation, metaphorically or otherwise, and they learn that their behavior isn’t going to work to get what they want anymore.

and it forced her to behave. She had to play nice, and she did! Our friendship got WAY better, it was awesome.

That was all well and good until I started recognizing the pattern everywhere else. I started using my boyfriend’s truck to take us to my family’s get togethers, and after one incident of me literally walking out midconversation and driving off, suddenly my family members started being about ten times more respectful. Once I moved out entirely into my boyfriend’s, the same thing happened with my own mom and sister. They still arent great, but we definitely saw a big improvement in our relationship once I had the ability to force them to deal with the consequences of pissing me off. And I assumed it was just me. Damn, my life is fucked up. Right? Only i hear the same narrative all over the place from friends and casual aquaintances when i used to work. “I got along with my sibling so much better once they moved out.” “My relationship with my parents got so much Better once I got my own place.” “My friendships got better. My romantic relationships got better.” And obviously, I’m not gonna claim that’s the case with Every Single person who found their relationship with someone improved once there was some distance. There are definitley other factors that can be involved.

But it’s depressing how often the explanation boils down to “I was able to walk away.” Or even “They were able to walk away.”

It’s a bit like hitting on someone while they’re working, like a barista or a waiter You know they can’t leave. It’s not okay to put them in that position where they can’t back out. But so often we don’t realize that that exact thing is being done to us, or that we’re doing it to someone else unintentionally. When someone is doing it intentionally, you having the ability to leave forces them to face the consequences and behave themselves, or else they lose their companion. Lots of times, this works, bc the person does care about you, does want you around, they’re just also willing to push your buttons to ease their own frustrations or entertain themselves. But lots of times it’s not on purpose. lots of times we dont realize we’ve put someone in that situation at all.

Having emotionally heavy conversations in a car, or at an event both people have to stay for like a birthday party or a class. When carpooling happened and someone doesn’t have their own way home. Any time one member of the conversation can’t remove themselves, things are bound to go wrong. That person is against a wall and they’re going to go full fight flight or freeze. But in this scenario, flight isn’t an option anymore. I was a freeze. I just put up with it, turned off, usually didn’t even admit that I was uncomfortable or that i wasn’t okay with what someone said. My sister was a fight, she lashed out. She turned on people and cut as deep as she could, trying to get them to leave, since she couldn’t.

One of the best arguments i’ve ever had with my sister, is the best because it never happened in the first place. She got royally pissed at me for something I said, that I hadn’t even realized would upset her, and she turned and walked out. It was glorious. I was so goddamn proud and appreciative. All because she not only had the ability to leave, but the strength to make herself leave.

There’s no point to this, besides just...let people leave.

[secretblogofthedepressedanon]

April 23, 2021

I keep losing my cool at things that don’t require that, and I don’t like it. I am recognizing the pattern & the problem easier now, but I still can’t seem to get myself out of it when I am in it. I try, but it’s like once I get all wound up, the ‘off’ switch is rendered useless for a period of time. The impulses are so strong and I am so amped up. Like my fight or flight response is on 10 and the only thing I can do now is dive right through it. I dunno.

Today, it was dumb and I just got overwhelmed and when I got overwhelmed I got angry. Why do I always get angry? Why is that the emotional response? Either way I don’t like it.

I guess I just feel like I need somewhere to properly redirect it. Like I get anxious or irritated or whatever about something, and then I have nothing to do with it. Nowhere to put it. I guess I need a creative outlet, but really how is that going to help when I get pulled into a mess like that suddenly? Where I don’t have the ability to just go paint or draw or whatever it is that I want / need to do. I need something else, something I can do to cool the impetuous anger as it is happening, not later. Not after I have made a mess of things.

I guess really that’s one of my issues, I get irrational and impulsive and I make a mess out of things and then I cannot unsort it. It’s an ugly cycle I have repeated before, over and over and I really feel like it is getting old. To tell you the truth, I just feel like I am a ball of emotions that I cannot control, understand, or follow. Everytime I think I understand, something new crops up or I present the *same bullshit* with a new process / thought cycle every fucking time and I hate it.

What is my issue with letting myself be happy? 

Lol like why do I self sabotage so much?? What is my god damn deal? 

He won’t put up with this forever. I wouldn’t anyways. He is endlessly kind and understanding and patient in ways that I, reasonably, deserve but... I feel like I don’t. I feel like I am undeserving and wild and neurotic and just absolutely out of my mind. Logically, I understand that that’s just my brain telling me those things because it is in unhealthy. I understand that I am just doing my best, and that I deserve unconditional love & kindness...

But when I look at him when I am out of control. When I am just upset and losing my mind  I just feel like he is so good. So kind and strong and sincere and level and he just doesn’t deserve the way I behave. And I really am trying to do better, learn more, and become emotionally / mentally well. I really am. And I can see the progress I am making. And yet.. I just feel like I keep failing him, as if by not being able to regulate myself I am just hurting him. And it isn’t fair to him. I know he chooses to be here. I know he loves me, genuinely. And I know he wants to help me, and that those moments are not all of who I am. I know he sees so much more to me than that... But I just can’t help but to feel like this cycle that I am stuck in... He doesn’t deserve to have to be there for this. He doesn’t deserve to have to watch me struggle like that, or watch me lose control or be that way. I want him to be with someone who can help him in the ways he needs, as he has done for me. 

I want to be that person more than anything. And I am working on it. I am trying so hard, I am doing the shadow work and I am confronting the things within myself that scare or disappoint me. Really, I am.  But I still just feel like he could be leagues & miles ahead of where we are now if he didn’t have me weighing him down or dragging him backwards. 

Is that just more of my brain talking, or is it the intelligence & awareness to know that I am fucking up? I don’t even know anymore. 

I need to get into therapy. I know I do. I am working hard, and its good, but I cannot do it alone. And asking for help isn’t bad or wrong. It’s just taking care of myself & doing what I need to do to make it through life without struggling with this forever. I deserve that. I deserve to be free of this bullshit, of this fucking absolute shitshow of managing my own brain and emotions. I deserve to be able to navigate life with the proper tools & abilites to take care of myself, and my own mental well being. 

And it’s time I do what I Can to take my own energy and my own health and make it fuckin better. I am gonna grow dammit.

I changed my twitter handle today to reflect that statement. Lol I feel like I am opening up in ways I never thought. I mean, first of all, truly baring my soul on the internet is totally never what I imagined for myself. I guess really I should have always expected it, I basically grew up online lol. Outside who? Bitch I was on myspace when I was 10, I spent more hours on internet forums and Neopets n shit than I ever did with my family. And repeatedly, I was made to feel bad about it by them. Now, I understand that I did some things that were way way too mature for my age, I know that in my desperate search for community and belonging, I was taken advantage of in ways. The internet is a dangerous and scary place for kids, especially improperly supervised, depressed, lonely, and desperate kids. I am lucky I am alive, and haven’t had anything exceedingly dangerous happen to me. 

That being said, they should have seen those things for what they were. Loneliness. A need for friendship, a need to be understood, to have real human connection. I was far too young to understand and communicate those needs, and due to the absolute neglect of my family, I had yet to learn that (and am still working on learning how to recognize and express those needs) myself. But them? My mom? My father? They were adults. They should have seen how desperately and seriously I needed help.

It was their responsibility to make sure I got help, to make sure I was properly loved & taken care of. And they didn’t. And that is their fault. Their failures to help me are on them. Their inability to give me the proper care and love and childhood that I needed... That was on them. And that is how and why I turned to the internet. 

I mean, fuck, the internet taught me so much that they never did. I learned about sex and relationships, money, life all on the internet. I have lived behind a screen, a secret identity all its own for many many years. I have hidden myself digitally all throughout the years. If you knew where to look, you can find evidence of me growing up everywhere. Little digital snapshots in the life of me.

I wonder what that would look like. If I could go back over all the things I have ever done on the internet. How many hours I spent on websites like Gaia or StumbleUpon or Pinterest or Reddit. How many times have I shared parts of myself for strangers on the internet, praying for an audience, just waiting for someone to see me. Someone. 

How ironic, then, is it that I met the man who really sees me, all of me, in a more tangible physical way? I spent so long aching for someone to find me any other way, never once imagining that if I met him that way.... It could work. I guess that has a lot to do with the neglect I suffered in my childhood. No one ever taught me how to have confidence in the things I do, or in myself. Hell, I can probably count on my hands how many things about life my parents taught me. 

As I heal and grow and look back on my past, I wish I could do so much of it over again. Like, I don’t really because I ended up in a place that is doing so much for me, but at the same time... If I had this kind of knowledge / emotional health then.. Imagine where I could be now? As strong and capable and determined as I am, as much work as I have put into surviving... Imagine the woman I could be if I didn’t have to. If I could’ve developed healthy habits and traits from the beginning... If I could have channeled that energy into something more, something better... who would I be now? How different would my life be if I hadn’t been robbed of my right to a happy & healthy childhood? If I didn’t have to ask myself ‘why aren’t I happy’ as young as six? 

For goodness sake I can remember wanting to run away from home as young as then. I literally remember packing a bunch of stuff into some walmart bags into a backpack. Telling myself I would leave after nightfall. I didn’t even have a plan, I didn’t know where I would go, what I would do. And so even then, in my underdeveloped, underloved child mind, I knew I had to stay.

In my dirty, neglected, God forsaken home. I stayed. 

Where I was lonely, where I didn’t know healthy love, where I ached for someone just to want me, I stayed.

I mean, it wasn’t that conscious of a choice. It isn’t like I had the emotional intelligence then to tell you what I am now. But even then, I could tell you I was unhappy.  I wouldn’t have had the words for why, though.

I wouldn’t have been able to tell you how lonely I felt, how much I felt I didn’t belong anywhere or with anyone. But that’s how I felt. I felt misunderstood. Invisible. I couldn’t understand why my siblings never wanted to spend time with me. Why my father would never come out of his room. Why my mom spent all of her time on the computer, playing internet games with her friends. They were all so caught up in trying to be happy for themselves, that no one had time to care about my emotional needs.

Yeah, I was fed. I never went without clothes or toys or food. 

But all of my most defining moments, happened without any of them. The moments that made me, me. 

I think the reason I find those cheesy coming of age shows so unrelatable (not that I don’t enjoy them, they get me as much as they get others) is because to me... That family dynamic is unrealistic. It feels fake, like who actually lives like that? What kind of kid actually comes home to cry in their mom’s arms about  high school breakups, or middle school crushes? It feels unreal, because for me it never was a reality. I basically figured out how to exist within the parameters of my own mind and body. Most of the things I know about being a person have to do entirely with how I exist within myself. The curves and treads of my mind. My soul’s wishes and whispers and secrets. 

I have to learn how to grow. How to exist more on the outside of myself. How to take up more space. I have to learn to be loud about who I am to just be myself, unashamed and unstoppable. I was not created to be afraid of myself, I was created to be the full sunshiney, hopeful, sarcastic, witty, kindhearted, generous woman I am becoming.