#maybe ill make a youtube video about this one day

[3liza]

here's one reason i dont think this is applicable to normal grammar errors like wary/weary and using idioms wrong: whenever i hear a youtuber do this and then take the time to scroll through the comments, no one else is commenting about it. if i leave a comment about it, im the only one. in the notes the example of mispronouncing a pokemon is given, and i think that's way more likely to be done on purpose. but just being bad at speaking generally doesnt actually seem to generate engagement

ive started leaving comments for youtubers whose videos i click out of IF they seem like basically good people who are actually interested in making videos that arent garbage. ill be like "hey sorry im clicking out now, you obviously spent a lot of time on this and i appreciate it but 5:13-10:45 is just completely debunked misinformation, you need to de-ess your audio because it's painful, and the author your cited is a actually an antisemitic conspiracy theorist [citation]. will be checkin your vids out in the future though, have a good one". the single comment "increases engagement" or whatever but i have all notifications off on youtube on my viewing account so i can just throw grenades and run, i never get into arguments. if they're interested in improving their material then fine, maybe my comment will be useful, if they aren't then whatever.

watch hours seem to be the primary metric for youtube channel success and determines when you get monetized in the first place. so clicking out immediately when you're getting pissed off is the best way to "vote with your dollars" or whatever.

idk. maybe none of this shit matters. certainly big accounts wont pay any attention to you, but the smaller ones often will. i recently followed a small lets player who was using AI thumbnails for all his uploads and it genuinely was so confusing because every thumbnail looked the same and didn't show the actual game, often inventing monsters and scenes that weren't in the game at all. and i left a kind, patient comment about how this was uncool, and two days later the next thumbnail i saw from him was an actual screenshot. after a couple refreshes it switched to a third thumbnail that was AI again but showed the correct "type" of monster for the subject of the game, rather than a Krampus, which the AI thumbnail i saw first had initially shown. so he's at least A/B testing AI vs normal thumbnails. i clicked on the screenshot thumbnail because youtube creators get feedback about the A/B results on videos uploaded with multiple thumbnails.

@3liza Thoughts? I think it's bullshit but I wouldn't put it past some of the worst Youtube Grammar offenders.

[redeemed-wren]

Looking at the Last Mabelcorn from a Christian perspective is facinating and fun.

Cos on the one hand you have Mabel's annoucement that morality is relative, which IS played as a joke but even so is something I have a gut reaction to reject.

And then you have the B plot in which there's a very interesting exploration into essentially making a deal with the devil. And how Bill (arguably) never actually cared about Ford, and lied and used him. How he said he would give Ford everything he needed to make him happy, and lied that just working with Bill would fulfil him. How he doesn't care about Ford really and takes great glee in his suffering, despite pretending to be a friend. And how he preyed upon Ford's flaws and sinful nature and exasperated that for his own goals. Isolation, pretending to be a friend, lying, manipulation--its all how the devil works in real life.

And I find that fun to explore in a cartoon, despite the non-Christian origin and foundation of the show

[hollowblxxd]

[ BACK AT IT AGAIN WITH THE THEORY / SPECULATIONS / AU THAT FIXES SHIT ]

This time with DEVIL MAY CRY my devoted love

To those who dont know me I love DMC a lot but I have a lot of issues with the ongoing story. So fuck it here in my AU about how to make DMC a overall better storyline cuz I can do

Whatever I wanna

So this whole AU focuses a lot on Nero because this theory spawned in due to the uncertainty over Neros character and the idea that DMC was kinda over since the 4th game unfortunately "killed" the series. It also tied together when DMC2 cuz when DMC4 came out the sequel was considered non-canon cuz it was such a horrible flop.

I personally loved the game with a PASSION cuz the pile of unfortunate garbage that was DMC2 was the first game I ever played and one of the first "mature" games i ever got. I remember begging my grandmother who was baby sitting me to let me play one game and I picked the coolest looking one. Of course being this

ANYYYYWAYYY Im getting off track

My theory is Nero was in fact a clone of Sparda, and not only was he a clone of Sparda but hes ACTUALLY Dante in DMC2.

Let me explain.

The order in DMC4 was obviously an isolated group at the time that was very involved with the CREATION of demons and the worship of SPARDA.

The whole game of DMC4 is about the order trying to recreate their god and I highly doubt this was their first attempt, most likely it was more of their most extreme attempt.

Which as sad it is to say I think Nero was one of the first but messed up attempts. They wanted to bring Spardas power out of the demon world and they got it but NOT as they expected... Instead of resssurecting theyre great glorified devil god. They got a human child.

Cuz in the end Sparda had a human heart and Nero was a reflection OF that. He was a full demon but you'd never know at first glance. So he was discarded as just some abandoned baby.

Nero was luckily found by Kyries family and just seen as poor person forsaken kid. And it wasnt until Nero was SEVERALLY INJURED did Nero demonic nature reveal itself in REPLACING HIS MORTAL BODY WITH A DEMONIC ONE.

Even Nero rebellious nature could actually be a reflection of who Sparda was in the past because you dont just turn against everything youve ever known on a whim. Sparda rebelled, Nero again reflected that.

Even him FALLING IN LOVE WITH A MORTAL WOMAN, again is another REFLECTION on Sparda history. Nero following all the exact footsteps Sparda did. Rebels against his people, Falls in love with a human girl, Defeats a power hungry overlord before slapping the hell gate closed trapping the demons away with his own sword.

Nero also wears BOTH blue and red, which combined and in ORIGINAL CONCEPT ART Nero was actually dressed in PURPLE with a white scarf much like Sparda wearing coat with a white ruffle.

Other things that makes me think hes far stronger than merely a 1/4 demon.

Nero made Dante almost demon trigger from just HITTING him. Dante been stabbed, shot, burnt, thrown off building, eaten, etc. and has NEVER forcefully demon triggered the whole time and suddenly some punk punches him and Dante starts to flash? The last time thst happened is in DMC3 when the tower was drilling closer to hell and getting him closer to

You guessed it SPARDAS POWER.

On top of that, no matter how much his Holiness tried to use the sword of Sparda, the power would not be granted to him, but you know who did use it? WITH EASE? Nero.

Nero used not only Sparda, but Rebellion AND Yamato WITH EASE. And before anyone says "But Rebellions and Yamato is Dante and Vergils sword"

WRONG.

Dante and Vergil INHERITED those swords FROM their father. They were always originally SPARDAS SWORDS. ALWAYS.

The one sword that returns to Nero is the one WITHOUT AN OWNER. Vergil in DMC4 is dead. He died in DMC1 and I dont care what anyone says, Vergil. Is. Dead. He should stay dead cuz it literally ruins his whole character arc to be alive again. Let the man be dead.

In the end the overwhelming evidence that Nero is Sparda is endless and I would email Capcom myself to tell them theyre wrong If I had the power to. Cuz theyre wrong.

ONTO THE NEXT POINT

DMC2 Dante is actually Nero

The Order was revealed to be manipulating the essence of demons into ANGELIC beings that would follow there commands.

At the time theyre secrets were hidden but in the events of DMC4 their secrets could have easily been revealed. And you know what REALLY loves secrets especially when it comes to making free slaves?

Big fucking Business baby.

I believe that the methods of the Order were leaked to the public allowing Business to stsrt using their methods to produce specific demons to serve specific purposes. Taking on the angelic look already provided by the Order to make it "friendlier" to the general populace.

And big business being business it COULDNT really be stopped as they tamper with forces beyond their control...

Dante was getting older and getting overwhelmed and despite it I think the original Dante died.

How? Why? Unknown but what I believe happened is Nero took over for Dante.

Prehaps to simply honor him, Prehaps he still thought the world needed Dante. In the end Nero choice Dante name and even another Alias of "The Son of Sparda" as being a clone of Sparda still technically applies as being a "son".

Noticable the DMC2 Dante personally very muted compared to any other Dante in any other game. But you know who kinda a little quiet boy? Nero...

Also a specific thing that I LOVE about DMC2 is when Dante gets an upgrade the piece would fly towards him and try to hit his heart but DANTE ALWAYS GRABBED IT WITH HIS RIGHT HAND the SAME hand that Nero uses to grab his items and absorb! He could have just let it absorb naturally but he SPECIFICALLY grabbed it with that hand.

Whats more convincing is the fact DMC2 dante has almost the weird... arm sleeve thing that Im pretty sure was a poor render of a gun or back hustle but it honestly to me at the time looks like his sleeve could be removed. Maybe prehaps to reveal his arm? Hmm

Also going with the idea that Nero being technically a creation of the Order could easily bond well with Lucia too since she struggle with the fact SHES a creation. Not a devil hunter of this great legacy but just "some monster" something Nero HAD TO STRUGGLE WITH TOO.

The bond between them could have started a new legacy similar to Dante with Lady and Trish.

It starts all over again. A new bloodline of Sparda saving the world as it always will.

Much like the company of DMC2 being Ourboros, the snake that bites its own tail.

As long as the demon world tries it shit, a sparda one way or another will be there to stop them

THAT CONCLUDES MY TEDTALK ABOUT DMC

PLEASE EMAIL CAPCOM FOR ME AND TELL THEM MY THEORY SO THEY CAN FIX DMC AND MAKE ME HAPPY

[keefechambers]

I wanna be blunt about this ongoing James somerton suicide threat issue but I don't want to connect it to my IRL Twitter to comment on the dogshit takes I'm seeing there or the good and well meaning but maybe too kind takes I'm seeing here.

Obviously, I hope that this is a false alarm cry for help fake threat. Yes, it would reinforce that Somerton is a self-centered egomaniac who can't handle consequences but that's preferable to dead.

But I work in local news and let me tell you something. I've covered half a dozen family annihilating murder suicides and heard hundreds of men making suicide threats over police scanners and a huge swath of these don't happen because they're depressed or because people are mean to them on the Internet. They're punishment. A person with an enormous amount of entitlement towards people around them gets backed into a corner and they punish the people closest to them by killing themselves or threatening to kill themselves.

No one wants to talk about this feature of suicide because...you want to help people who are struggling and guide them away from this path and being blunt about the fact that sometimes people die of suicide as a consequence of their own shittiness towards the world does not really help actively suicidal people. But suicide rates are higher in men not just because they have higher rates of untreated mental illness (a societal issue we must address for the sake of all) but because some people, often men, use suicide (but more often the threat of suicide) as a tool of abuse and control.

I'm not saying somerton is like, an icky abuser bad guy, he's just a run of the mill grifter scumbag, but his actions in the past show a clear pattern of escalating behavior that aligns with this.

Somerton gets called out -> somerton alleges physical threats of violence against himself and his fans rally around him supportively -> Harry calls somerton out in a bigger way -> Somerton says he's hospitalized but there are inconsistencies with the story but no one wants to talk about that because you wanna be nice-ish about a guy who just tried to kill himself and now he's trying to be framed as tragic but it doesn't really stick -> somerton apologizes again but his apology is rightly called out for lies and manipulative framing as well as his continuing attempts to profit off the community he betrayed -> James posts a suicide note publicly putting the onus of his own suicide on the loss of his friend Nick who he repeatedly threw under the bus and now everyone is rallying to say nice-ish shit and wring their hands in concern over poor james -> indefinitely repeat this vicious cycle forever until he actually does die or finally gives up and gets real, intensive therapy and a day job.

Thats not to say anyone's concern is misplaced, it's 100% better for him to be a living scumbag than a dead one. He deserves the chance to grow and learn and have a life outside of youtube.

But you don't have to portray this as the action of a sad depressed man who got bullied off the Internet. It's manipulation, whether he intended to go through with it or not and whether someone intervened or not. Not denying that internet bullying is a thing, I'm sure there were some people who were shitty directly to James but he made the choice to not unplug from this and to try and keep being a public figure rather than taking care of himself. He could have deleted Twitter, blocked anyone who was an asshole, gone to therapy and tried to move on with his life but if he'd deleted his channel he'd have lost monetization... Can't have that, right? So he posts some apology videos so his channel stays active and then complains about how ruinous this is while never trying to take real accountability.

But the reality is that people would have forgotten about him so quickly and maybe his job prospects would've been impacted but...that's on him, and that's for him to figure out but it's not actually life ruining. He chose to continue to engage knowing he'd get backlash and hate and he'd feel worse and worse and things would never get better without the time and space for people to forget.

He made the choice to make a public spectacle of his own alleged suicide. That is the action of someone who wants to put the weight of their suicide on someone else's shoulders and is morally wrong. He can be held to account for that, alive or dead.

[sturnsreckless]

𝐁𝐑𝐎𝐊𝐄𝐍 𝐇𝐄𝐀𝐑𝐓𝐒,, m. sturniolo

summary: matt feels like you aren’t considering his feelings and not putting as much effort into your relationship as he is, so he brings it up to you which results in conflict but was quick to be resolved

cw: angst. crying, resolved angst, arguing

a/n: this is really long so for my angst lovers, enjoy

you and matt had never had an argument as big as this. yous had had small disagreements and quarrels, which were solved in minutes. never huge fights. never the way it is going on right now.

you both had been trying to juggle your lives also while trying to maintain a happy, healthy relationship. which isn’t easy. with that, you were both on the brink of breaking down any moment now. but instead of that, your emotions turned into a big fight. not a good one.

today, you weren’t working in the office and matt wasnt out filming with his brothers. he wasn’t in the best of moods right now, you were too in your head. the perfect cause of a disaster. throughout the whole day, small things kept on building and building until everything went down hill after dinner.

you had been washing you and matt’s dishes, he cleaning up all the other little things. when he had made a snarky comment about how good of a sight it was seeing you finally cleaning up, had made you snap.

you had been moaning about it for a good hour, screaming at one another in the kitchen attempting to get your feelings out some sort of way.

“i just don’t fucking get it sometimes,” matt spat at you, “it’s like all you care and think about is yourself.”

“what?! what the fuck are you even saying?!” you yelled, the anger that had slightly died down was rising straight back up.

“you are the most narcissistic, self-centred, most selfish person i have ever met,” matt said through gritted teeth, “you never think about me. you don’t care about anyone but yourself.”

he took a step closer to you as you slammed the dish you were cleaning down, “you’re the one that’s inconsiderate, not me” he says.

“are you fucking kidding me? don’t talk to me like that ever again, asshole!” you said squinting your eyes at him.

a bitter laugh left matt’s lips, walking right up to you and looking down at you, “i’ll say whatever i want, sweetheart. because for once i’ve reached a fucking breaking point.”

“leave then. fucking leave then, if this is such a problem!” you yell in his face.

you were telling him to leave but this was his house that he shared with his two brothers. nick and chris.

“this is my fucking house. but i will leave!” matt yelled back, “maybe i will just leave and you can spend the rest of your life being the most inconsiderate, selfish jackass on the planet! maybe ill just go find someone who actually values me!”

“are you kidding me right now? are you implying that you’ve been fucking cheating on me?!” you raise your voice in disbelief.

matt hadn’t cheated on you. you just took his words the wrong way.

“no! it was hypothetical! if you’d let me finish, you’d know that!” matt snapped back, “i wouldn’t cheat on you, i love you!”

you were taken aback by his statement, “well, the things you’re fucking saying to me right now don’t scream ‘i love you’ very much!”

“i do love you!” matt snapped, “but god! why are you so selfish, so egotistical, and so inconsiderate! how many times do i have to say it for it to go through your thick, stubborn skull?!”

you scoff, “i’m egotistical? you’re the one that thinks you’re better than everyone else because you make a bag off making shit youtube videos! you constantly think you’re one better than everyone else, matt!”

“i don’t think im better than everyone else! im proud of my work, what the fuck is wrong with that?! i’m proud that i was able to take my passion and make myself a career out of it! i get to play my favourite games and do what i love for a living and have it supported me all while i provide for you too? how is many of that wrong?!”

you furrow your brows at the last part of his sentence, “you provide for me? i’ve got my own job, that i got by myself! i don’t need your fucking money.”

“you live in my house! i pay the bills. you can’t even provide for yourself when you make chump change in a month!” matt was absolutely fuming at this point, taking another step towards you.

you felt hurt at what he said, but you didn’t let it affect the way you presented yourself, “what?! are you fucking kidding me right now? you’re the biggest shit talker and dick head i’ve ever met!”

“no, the biggest dick head you’ve ever met is you! you, with you’re self-righteous ego and narcissistic thought process! i’ve met so many assholes in my life, but no one has even come close to how much of a jerk you are!” matt spat, “i’ve put so many hours into this relationship. i’ve given you everything just for you to come back and act like i don’t care about you, and call me the dickhead?”

you sigh as you think about how much stuff you have to have done by tomorrow, “matt, i don’t have time for this right now!”

“oh, no! i think we have plenty of time for this!” matt said as he slammed his palms on the counter, “we aren’t leaving this kitchen until you can look at me and tell me you truly love me, and that you’re sorry for all the bullshit you’ve been saying!”

you stared in disbelief at what was coming out of his mouth right now, “bullshit i’ve been saying?! you’ve said so much worse than i have, so if it’s anyone that needs an apology it’s me! but i’m not fucking pathetic enough to beg someone for some half-assed apology!”

“bullshit? i’ve been telling the truth this whole entire time!” matt said, you are selfish, you are inconsiderate, you are narcissistic. everything i’ve said is true! and don’t worry, sweetheart. you wouldn’t have to beg me for an apology from me, i’d refuse to give you one, just as you’ve been doing to me this entire time!”

you felt sick to your stomach from what matt was letting fall off his tongue like venom, “why are you with me then?! and done even say ‘it’s because i love you’ because that’s bullshit, because you don’t. if you did you wouldn’t say this whether it’s true or not!”

“i do love you! i love you so fucking much, you don’t even know!” the anger on matt’s face soon gave way to sadness, “i’m just sick of your disregarding my feelings. i’m sick of you being so careless about how i feel or what i want. i’m sick of feeling like the only one that’s pouring my all into this relationship. i’m just tired… it hurts… it hurts me that you never even give me a second thought, even though i have you on my mind at all times.”

“that’s not true at all matt! i do put my all into this relationship and i will give it my last no matter what. i love you more than i can even describe so don’t even fucking doubt that! and give me two times i disregarded your feelings, because i dont!”

“every time i ask you to make dinner so i can do some planning when i come home from filming, you don’t do it! you just brush me off and say you’re too busy or tired! or what about the times i have to beg you to give me some time alone, that i haven’t gotten any privacy in forever. yet you still barge right in when i shut the door and you just start yapping to me!”

“matt you’re not the only one with problems, you know! and i do make us dinner and when i do barge in there’s always a good reason, so don’t even start that!” you spit.

“yes i know that! and i try to help you with your problems when you talk to me about them! but when i come to you with how i feel, you just say you’re too busy to listen to me and that we’ll talk later. but we never do!” matt speaks.

“because when later comes, i always find out that you’re at parties posting up with a bunch of girls. or you’re sitting in a car with nick and chris!” you let roll off your tongue.

“i’d have time for you if you weren’t such a cold, detached person!” matt fires back, “and i’m not ‘sitting in a car’ with nick and chris! we’re working!”

“don’t you ever just think, oh i’m actually in a really good work position compared to other people. because i don’t know if you’ve realised but you don’t need to deal with people constantly blaming you for everything in work because you’re the youngest and easiest to blame and degrade! that is why im always so busy and tired, im constantly cleaning up the shit that you leaving lying about while also juggling my paperwork that i have to do at home!”

“yeah, well you have no idea what it’s like to be a full-time youtuber!” matt said, “i have to keep my fans happy, make videos, do collabs with other creators, all while having my own life! and whenever i come home after being out all day, what do i come home to every time? you sitting on the sofa, on your phone, and not even thinking about what i might want or need after i’ve been busting my ass all day!”

your jaw drops slightly with a puzzled expression on your face, “are you fucking with me? you’re not a child matt, you can do things on your own. just because i’m home before you sometimes does not mean i will be your slave! and if you do, fucking think again!”

“i don’t want a slave! i want my girlfriend! i want someone who cares about me! i want the one i love to put me before anything else!” matt was getting agitated, his eyes starting to water.

“i do matt! i do put you before everything, i try my hardest! i ruin my own mental health for you!” you say with tears running down your face.

“it doesn’t feel like you do!” matt said, “you’re always so distant! you’re always so cold and you never show me any affection! and i’m not asking for much! a kiss every now and again would be nice! you don’t even say you love me unless i say to first!”

you let out a sad sigh, “what do you mean? i kiss you every day! i say i love you all the fucking time!”

“you never do it first though! i’m the only one that ever initiates anything! im the one that is always showing affection! the other day i just wanted a hug after filming and you gave me a one-armed side-hug!”

you rub your eyes out of exhaustion, “matt, i’m tired!”

“i’m tired too!” matt snapped, his voice getting louder now, “im exhausted! im working my ass off to make us money and to make you happy and i get nothing but complaints and coldness in return!”

you whined before huffing out words, “i’m not complaining, you’re the only one complaining right now!”

“yes because you never listen to me!” matt nearly yelled, “im trying to tell you how i actually feel! im opening up and being completely vulnerable with you, you just shoot down every single thing i say! all i want is for you to care!”

“matt i do! i care so fucking much it hurts. i love you more than anything! i left my life in florida to come and stay with you full-time because i knew you didn’t want a long-distance relationship. so if that’s not me considering your feelings then i don’t know what is!”

“i never asked you to move here.” matt said through clenched teeth, “yes, i asked you to move in for the summer, and i get you had a shitty family, but you never had to transfer your job and move your entire life here! you never had to put yourself in a stressful and expressive situation, you did that yourself!”

“no i didn’t! don’t get me wrong i love being here with you, nick and chris. i fucking love it! but it’s really hard sometimes! and i get you’re going through hard times too with your family being in boston but you have open arms everywhere around LA, i don’t, that’s the difference! that is why im so cold and defensive sometimes! im scared to trust!”

“why can’t you trust me?!” matt yelled, “you’ve lived here for a year now! i’ve given you everything just for you to say that you don’t trust me! after all i’ve done for you, after all i’ve given up to make you happy, i still get this kind of bullshit from you!”

you panicked since matt had took what you said the wrong way, “i didn’t say that, baby! i said it’s hard for me to trust anyone other than you!”

“so what does that mean?” matt asked, “i don’t deserve your trust? you don’t trust me when i tell you i love you?”

“it means that i’m bottling everything up inside of me because i don’t trust anyone else other than you because i don’t want to put the stress onto you! i feel like you don’t understand what im going through, which is totally fine, but you don’t ever keep that in mind! yes, you’re going through a hard time too but i am too and you need to think about that when you say things to me. you’re not the only person fucking struggling!”

“no, i get that!” matt argued back, “we’re both going through stuff, but the difference is i make time for you! i make sure that your needs are still met when i have time! you on the other hand disregard my feelings and my wants! you never even try to understand my side, while im constantly trying to get you to understand! and now that i’ve finally gotten you to listen, you’re still saying im wrong!”

“i’m sorry matt! i don’t know what else you want from me, im falling apart over here!”

“i want you! i just want you to love me the way you say you do!” matt said, “i want you to show me, physically, that you care about me! i want you to show me that im a priority in your life, just like you’re a priority in mine!”

“i do care about you! i just go through rough patches where i don’t realise that im not showing you how much i care and love you!”

“why not tell me when you’re going through rough patches? if you’re struggling, then why don’t you tell me so i can be there for you! i’d never think of you any differently, i’d never think to call you selfish or inconsiderate! all you have to do is let me in!” matt exclaims with frustration.

“and that’s one of the hardest things for me to do! it takes time to let people in when you grow up the way i did, when you were constantly told your feelings didn’t matter and if you told people that you were struggling they would think differently of you! and i’m not saying all this for you to feel sorry for me, i’m saying this so you can try and understand it from my perspective.” you explain with tears rolling down your cheeks.

“i do understand! i do understand that you’ve had a hard life and it’s hard to trust and open up, but im not asking you to tell me every single thing that’s ever happened to you and that you’ve ever felt! im asking you to just tell me you miss me, or that you’re upset, or that you’re feeling angry or sad or frustrated! i’m asking you to open up just a little bit so i can do my best and try to show you that i love you!”

you tilt your head back and place your hands over your face before whimpering and tilting your head forward again, “and i’m trying matt!”

“i know you are!” matt said, his voice losing the edge as he looked at your tear stained face with empathy. he took a step closer to you and laid his hands gingerly on your shoulders, “i know you’re trying, i do, and it’s not fair for me to expect you to just completely open up overnight, but you’re tearing me apart too! i’m so worn out and tired from trying to get you to show me that my feelings matter to you!”

you hiccup just before you begin to talk, “i’m really trying to be better matt, i am! and i know what you want from me but it takes time. a lot of time. so please, just give me time and and you’ll get what you want in this relationship. and i’ll give you it whether it wipes me out or not!”

“how much time do i have to give you?” matt sighed, “i’ve given you nearly a year of time. i’ve been trying so hard this entire time to break through whatever wall you have up, and after a year you’re still telling me to wait? i can’t keep waiting forever!”

“i know and it’s not fair on you but it also isn’t fair on me to give you something im not ready for!” you whimper before sighing sadly.

“then what am i supposed to do?” matt exclaimed, stepping backwards and running his fingers through his hair, “if you’re not at a place that you can give me what i need in a relationship, when do you foresee yourself being there? another year? two? never?!”

“i don’t know! that is what i need to figure out and you to trust me on, but it’s hard!” you cry out.

“i’m doing my best to make this easy, but you still keep pushing back when i try to get anything out of you!” matt was frowning frustrated again, taking his hands to his face and massaging his eyes, “im just so tired of trying! i’m at my wits end!”

“matt, im sorry!”

“sorry isn’t good enough anymore!” matt almost shouted, “i don’t want another half-assed apology! that’s all you’ve given me our entire relationship, and it isn’t good enough!”

you internally groan, “matt, it’s not half-assed! i’m being considerate.”

“considerate of who? me? yourself?” matt spat, the anger in his voice returning, “because it seems like you’re trying to avoid having to do any work in our relationship and just want me to accept that you’re not ready!”

“well i don’t know what else you want me to do! because im seriously trying but you’re not giving me the time i need and that just takes us back to square one, baby!” you whine, wiping the tears that is running down your chin.

“but you’re not giving me anything to go off of!” matt’s voice was reaching high octive, the anger and exhaustion on his face evident, “i’ve been trying this entire time and every single time i tell you how i’m feeling you push my away. you ask me to give you time, and what exactly am i supposed to do while i wait other than be miserable?!”

your heart drops, “matt, baby… please. don’t give up on me.” you say your voice and heart breaking all at once.

“i don’t want to give up on you… i don’t!” matt said, the anger leaving his body as he watched your own sadness. he took a step towards you before suddenly wrapping his arms tight around you and pulling you into his chest, “i’m just so tired…” he whispered into your hair.

you sniffle before replying, “me too…”

matt didn’t say anything else, he just held onto you tight and buried his face in your hair. he squeezed you as tight as he closed his eyes and tried to get himself back under control.

there was a long heavy moment of silence that fell over the kitchen before matt finally spoke again, voice low.

“i’m sorry. im sorry im putting so much pressure on you, and you’re not ready. im sorry im losing my patience. i love you so much, but i just want to feel loved too… i want to hear you say it…”

“i love you, so fucking much.” whisper into his chest as you close your eyes, tears spilling out.

matt squeezed you tighter at your words, one of his hands reaching around to touch the back of your head in a protective hold. he rested his chin on top of your head, burying his face in the top of it as he closed his eyes again and inhaled the familiar scent of your shampoo. you could feel his body relax as you spoke, the tension leaving his tired and wear muscles.

“i love you too… i love you so much, even when you drive me crazy…”

“i’m really sorry for making you feel like this… i don’t mean it. i swear. it’s just… i just fuck up everything i do.”

“shhh…” matt hushed you, his hand massaging the back of your head in a soothing manner, “you don’t have to apologise for how you feel. i’m sorry for getting angry at you, i just want you to love me the same way i love you and i got frustrated and impatient.”

“but i fucked up our relationship…” you insecurely whispered into his chest.

“you may have said or done things that weren’t the best, but you haven’t completely ruined this relationship, sweetheart.” matt said quietly, pulling back now so he can look down at your tear stained face.

one of his hands came up to your cheek, his thumb gently swiping away one of the droplets.

“but i have or else we wouldn’t be having this argument…” you whispered.

“arguments are apart of every relationship, baby. this is natural, especially for us.” matt said, his tone gentle as he spoke, “this doesn’t mean you’ve completely ruined us. i still love you, and im sure you still love me.”

“of course i do, and don’t ever doubt it” you say shaking your head and looking down to the ground in embarrassment and shame that you caused this huge argument.

“hey,” matt spoke quietly as he took one of his fingers and placed it under your chin so he could lift it up, forcing you to look at him, “look at me baby,”

“hm?” you hum as you look up at him with a saddened look on your face.

his expression was so much softer than before, the exhaustion and the anger now replaced with love and concern. matt’s eyes searched your face as he kept his hand under you chin to hold you head up.

“i want you to listen to me and really hear me, okay?” he said in a soft and calm voice.

“okay” you whisper groggily due to the waterworks from before, and licking your dry lips.

“i love you. no matter how many times i get angry, or frustrated, or exhausted, i love you more than you will ever truly know. you haven’t ruined this. i haven’t lost my love or trust for you.” matt began to say, keeping his eyes fixed on yours, “i don’t ever want you to think that i don’t love you because i do. all i want is for you to try and meet me where i am, okay?”

“i love you. and im sorry for not doing what you expected from me. thank you for giving me a second chance, i don’t deserve you.” you say as another few tears spill out of your eyes.

“i don’t expect you to be perfect, sweetheart. i know you’ve gone through things and that’s what makes you human, but i know you still love me.” he whispered calmly.

matt dropped his hand from your chin to wrap around your waist again, and he gently pulled you forward to press you against his chest once more, his chin resting on top of your head and his arms wrapped around you in a firm hold.

“i love you” you whisper into his chest for the tenth time today, before leaning up and pressing a kiss to his lips, matt returned the kiss with gentle fervour, before burying his head in the crook of your neck and shoulder.

he held you tight, his body relaxing and conforming to your form as he held you close to him, enjoying the feeling of your body against his.

@sturnsreckless

[babygirlhouse]

house md 2024 headcanons 🫡

hi loves!! jumping on this trend :^) i don't think any of these make sense but they made me laugh soooo here u go

House has a very bad pain day and (when pushed) says that he strained the muscle while riding his bike. Obviously nobody believes him, so the ducklings + Wilson spend the day trying to figure out what he did and end up finding security footage of him attempting to hit the griddy in the morgue 

Kutner has a very generic inspirational quotes tumblr blog (he’s so proud of it) and House finds it and just starts dropping quotes from it in DDXs to mess with him & then acting all innocent 

Thirteen has a secret thirst trap tiktok acc that doesn’t explicitly show her face but has her lab coat & maybe stethoscope. When Chase suggests that it’s her she doesn’t confirm or deny it and just keeps winking. Cameron definitely follows the account after this. Thirteen pretends not to realise.

Wilson takes a uquiz to find out what sort of cheese he is and is devastated when it says he’s cheddar. He then has an identity crisis because he thinks he’s too bland and tries to reinvent his aesthetic, leading to one infected eyebrow piercing and a tramp stamp that’s never mentioned again. Potential there for a sappy scene where House tells him he's anything but bland.

Cuddy starts a momblog style podcast. House sends anonymous hate. Taub guest stars. 

I think Taub would get deeply into ASMR. Like it’d start with him finding and playing a video of ASMR triggers for his daughters, then he tries it himself to see if that calms them down even more, etc etc. He starts a youtube channel and it blows up. He gets recognised by patients at the hospital. It goes to his head just a little. He unironically uses the term 'ASMRtist'

A cosplayer has a mysterious illness and the team has to go to a convention to test for environmental factors. Chase is apprehensive but House forces him to go. He’s quickly recognised at the convention and it turns out that he has a cosplay instagram account and they get stopped every 10 mins to take pictures. No one lets him live it down 

Thirteen and Cameron kiss & fall in love & babysit Taub's kids. House makes relentless jokes but is quietly very fond of them and their relationship. Pls i need this

Foreman has a twitter/X account where he posts a combination of work out tips/inspirational quotes (not as sweet as Kutner's blog, more grindset vibes yknow) but he gets mixed up in a pyramid scheme for protein powders and gets cancelled. Also potential for a sappy scene here where Foreman says he admires Kutner for not letting House's teasing about his blog get to him. They're besties now and make each other better.

Cuddy forces all of them to go on a wellness retreat. House and Wilson make a bet to see who can go the longest without speaking. It's not even a silent retreat, they're just like that. Also someone convinces Chase that the utility shed on the retreat is haunted.

The wellness retreat no speaking bet also def has potential for gay chicken. Like Wilson kisses House to see if that will get him to lose the bet. By the next morning neither of them know or care who lost the bet, they leave their room looking Extremely disheveled and return to the hospital very much together. Cuddy is not at all surprised. She planned this. Each of the ducklings hand her $100.

PPTH minecraft server. yeah

[tiniestkitty]

―୨୧⋆ ˚ tips for regressors struggling with depression and anxiety 🌧️

🧸 one thing that has helped me tremendously has been starting a therapy / mental health journal. you can find prompts online, or even come up with your own ! I find tracking my triggers (what makes me feel upset or anxious), reflecting on how I handled my day, writing my thoughts, and what I'd like to bring up in my next therapy session helps me feel a lot better. ૮ ◞ ﻌ ◟ ა

-- you can take time to learn about your brain and how it makes choices; for example, learning about and researching your trauma responses, mental illnesses and how to ground yourself during panic attacks. sometimes our brain can make us feel or think things that we can't control, so its important to differentiate between what we are telling ourselves and what our brain is telling us.

🫧 be kind to yourself and take time to rest if you need to. Indulge in things you like and find calming activities to do after a hard day such as coloring, doing a fun craft, playing a video game or using play therapy.

🧸 distance yourself from relationships or people that make you feel uncomfortable or are harmful to your mental health. its not mean to say you need space. you can still be friends and have established boundaries, and if someone dose not respect those boundaries its okay to distance yourself from them or take a break from talking to them until you start to feel better and are more capable of saying how important those boundaries are.

🫧 make sticker charts and schedules ! I have one for brushing my teeth. I also use a fun app on my phone called Pokémon Smile that reminds me to brush and sets a timer. ૮₍ ˃ ᵕ ˂ ₎ა

🧸 find little things to look forward to, like a new movie coming out, a birthday or a Holliday you love. sometimes I order little gifts for myself in the mail after doing a big task or getting trough a hard day hehe ! ૮ ◞ ﻌ ◟ ა

🫧 clean your space, and maybe even redecorate a little to give yourself a fresh start 🤍

🧸 find ways to "work around" overwhelming tasks like running errands or going to the doctor by bringing a comfort item or stuffed animal with you. you could keep them in your bag if you are too shy to hold them, but from my experience, no one seems to mind hehe. /lh I also like to pack fidget toys to hold when I get anxious.

note: I'm not a medical professional and I'm just speaking from my experience as someone with generalized anxiety disorder and severe depression. not everything listed here might work for you, but I hope you found this helpful. 💕 /lh

˚ ༘ ೀ⋆｡˚ extra recourses 🌧️

how to use agere for self care - YouTube

hotline numbers for emergencies - tumbr

inner child healing journal prompts - Silk + Sonder website ( no adds )

[seasaltdevotion]

i want to learn about hellenistic polytheism but i dont even know where to start. could you please give me a base? i know about gods deities n such, i know ill need to make offerings and id like to pray to the god(s) ill worship but i feel like im about to jump in the middle of the ocean without knowing how to swim so please help

Ofc!

Ive only been practicing for a few months but i can give my two sense.

A really great video series id reccomend for some more veteran help is Hellenism 101 from Fel the Blythe’s YouTube channel! I’ll like it for you here. Shes how I got started on everything.

Prayer

First thing I’d recommend is prayer! Since it’s the easiest form of devotion/communication.

Usually you start by mentioning Hestia, Goddess of the hearth who also allows us to communicate with the gods. So I tend to start by saying “to Hestia, the first and last I pray, I thank you.” And then i start praying to the gods I worship.

This can be you just thanking them for being there or for whatever they rule over. For example I might thank Apollon for my health, the sunshine etc. When you finish you thank Hestia the first and last again and then boom, you’ve prayed!

You don’t have to be formal in your prayers or you can be super formal, the gods won’t mind either way as long as you’re polite. And just by praying you’ve started to build Kharis, which is your relationship with the gods.

Kharis

You build Kharis by praying, offerings, and by dedicating things you do to the gods, for example I will just, in my mind, tell the gods that the food I eat is for them, and that counts as an offering. Or again; Apollo as an example, you can listen to music and dedicate that time to him, or for Hermes maybe you could go on a walk or write a letter to someone or even the gods themselves.

Building Kharis all comes down to setting the intention of giving to the gods, and in return they give back. You don’t even need to do physical offerings to worship. But if you’d like to, it’s good to research your gods for ideas on what you could give them. And don’t worry about not praying enough/offering enough etc. not everyone can pray every hour of the day or offer a million offerings a week, all that matters is you’re doing what’s best for you.

Other basics

- Divination is not required, you don’t need tarot a pendulum or any of that fancy stuff!

- We don’t really have sins in Hellenism!

However, on that note, it’s also good to cleanse before approaching the gods, washing off something called Lyma or general negativity that kind of builds up on the day to day. It just happens.

And how you cleanse?

You wash your hands and/or your face. Or even shower! As long as you’re clean then you’re pretty set.

- Xenia

Xenia is hospitality, which is a major benchmark in Hellenism. It’s what the religion is really based on. Basically, love thy neighbor sort of thing. Just be kind and courteous to those who are in your home and welcome those in need no matter who they are.

- What if I want to worship two gods who dislike each other in mythology?

Don’t worry about it. You can always pray to them and preface it before hand, but the gods know this is a polytheistic religion. They know you’re going to worship more than one and may end up praying to one more than the other. We’re human, and they understand that.

They won’t be mad at you for having multiple gods or prioritizing one over another at a certain time.

So what now?

I’ve thrown a lot at you, so where do we go from here?

Take your time.

Research, research, research.

Understand the gods you’d like to pray to, know their myths, read literature surrounding them.

I cannot say this enough but Theoi.com is a great resource for learning about the gods. Find any sort of book you can get your hands on. And take your time. I can’t stress that enough. Don’t let yourself get overwhelmed by offerings and things.

If all you can do to stay is pray? Then pray! Or even just talk to them. Just sit and tell them gods about your day either mentally or verbally, just talk to them.

Do what’s easiest and best for you and only move on when you can.

If you need help along the way, I’m always willing and there are plenty of other Hellenic polytheists who are willing to help! Everyone also has different practices and beliefs, so what I say may be different from someone else. Plus I’m still learning myself so there’s always things that I can improve on myself!

I’m so glad you reached out and I hope you enjoy the ride!!

[azulcrescent]

Hi Azul! :) I started following your silly scribbles about a year ago, and seeing Cheryl model how she came out to her friends and family in the comic helped me articulate my gender experience better with my wife and even come out to my friends and family. Thanks for sharing your art! I also wanted to say that I'm sorry that you're experiencing poor sleep and burnout lately. :( Those can make you feel awful. I've had a chronic illness for the past six years -- and I'm fully aware that's something separate, nor do I want to equate it with your experiences -- but, at risk of giving any unsolicited advice, I do wish someone had said something to me about this when I first felt those as well. Because I was pushing myself to work for 2 hours a day as a special education paraprofessional in a wheelchair due to fatigue and systemic dysfunctions throughout my body -- so I had to quit my job since I was making my health even worse. When I stopped working, I was fully bed bound for a time but even still kept pushing myself to attempt grad school online despite only being able to sit up for 5-10% of the day. My point is that, even when our bodies are burnt out, we still push ourselves because that's generally just our human nature to do. And I wish that during that time someone had gently said it's okay to slow everything down and listen to what my body was telling me it needed.

With slowing down, I also get that finances are a thing, and I wouldn't have been able to recover from severe to moderate ME/CFS without my wife working her butt off for us to cover medical expenses by switching jobs and upskilling. (She jokes that she has no more butt anymore because of those years :'(... )

So, although this is stepping into unsolicited advice, but as someone who was burnt out and constantly eepy for years, I feel like it would be remiss of me to not try to say something and just give a bullet point list of free things that helped my nervous system not be so overstimulated and tired but wired that I couldn't sleep and even when I did it was unrefreshing and yucky to wake up the next day:

•Search for "ally boothroyd yoga nidra" on YouTube and pick a 10 minute video •Do belly breathing to expand the diaphragm (one of the few ways we can give input to our parasympathetic nervous systems -- the rest, digest, and heal system) •When breathing, breathe in for 4, hold for 4, out for 4, hold for 4, repeat to tell your body it can be calm •Spinal flossing in bed: start from your lowest vertebrae you can, try to isolate it with your muscles, and shift it up down left and right, then go up to the next one •Listen to how your body responds to foods: maybe try cutting out gluten and refined sugars for a week to see if it helps in any way; a lot of our immune system is in the gut, and being in a stressed state can cause our immune systems to mistake food molecules for pathogens which then activates the immune system and turns off the parasympathetic nervous system •Drop your jaw fully open like you're going to yawn, then stretch your tongue upward outside your mouth as far as it can go and stretch it around. This is a stretch for the muscles near your vagus nerve near your ear/neck behind the jaw to help them relax •Plan a bedtime routine for the thirty minutes before you go to bed and be consistent •Brain retraining: When you feel stressed or anxious about sleep or being burnt out, compassionately tell yourself "Stop, stop, stop." Thank that part of you for bringing up its concern, then remind that part of yourself that it doesn't need to worry anymore because you are working on recovering and healing. And if the insomnia or fatigue do happen, you have plans for what to do and will be okay. •Remember the conclusion from the American TV show Mythbusters: https://www.tumblr.com/gretchensinister/678474387179077632/one-of-the-most-life-changing-things-i-ever You're still getting rest even if you just close your eyes. You've talked about having ADHD, and while I don't have it, I get that it messes up brain chemicals and can contribute to both insomnia and burn out. There might be a reddit discussion that speaks to you better about medications or deficiencies. I hope you get to rest. Cheering for you. It's always fun to see your art. Thanks for what you do! :) Sleepy cat tax:

Glad to hear you like my comics! And thank you for the very informative and helpful info on sleeping better! Ill try to put your advice to use!

[furiousgoldfish]

This is one of the things I'm most ashamed about, but your recent tutorial posts made me brave enough to talk about it.

Do you have any tips on cleaning a house that's completely fucked?

Clutter everywhere and maggots on occassion and gunk. I should have done something about it a long time ago, but didn't - and now it's a huge task and very intimidating.

so I've never cleaned a house in those conditions, but I feel it's exactly what auriikatarina does on youtube, so I'll link her channel, I've learned most of what I know from her!

This video is about cleaning on of the filthiest houses ever so it could be helpful! She shows you exactly how she tackles it and even what cleaning tools and products to use, to be able to clean more easily.

I think with houses like that, it's just very overwhelming and impossible to know where to start, it can put you off just to try and then not see any results or be overwhelmed and have it go too slow or too poorly. And the thing is, it doesn't matter where you start, if you're able to clean one little table, one small corner, if it looks nicer than the rest, it will give you that rush of happiness and achievement and encourage you to clean another little bit, and then another. There's absolutely no judgment on not doing anything about it sooner, I sometimes neglect my space for a long time too!

Since gunk and bacteria can be dangerous, I should advise you to wear gloves, face mask, and to use something strong enough to sterilize really bad areas. Also cleaning really messed up places is so popular on the internet lately, you could theoretically make content out of it (I'm joking, but if the idea inspires you and helps you out, who knows).

One thing that is also great to do is to take photos of it at the start, and then take photos as you're at it, so you can see visual improvements! It feels great when you change something very filthy.

It might also help to learn more about organizing, to be able to manage and organize the clutter, this alone can be even more challenging than the cleaning! If you can see some videos on organizing and get an idea on how to sort the clutter, pick what you need and maybe get rid of some, it might make it more clear in your mind how to tackle this!

I also want to tell you that you're not alone, there's many people struggling with this, and many people can't tackle this without any help. It is a big thing that you should receive help about! There's no shame in struggling because when you're mentally ill, you don't see your space, you can't concentrate, and you are just trying to make it trough the day, maintaining living space is the last thing on your mind.

I hope you manage to get trough even one part, no matter how you do it, it's fine, as long as you feel a bit better and accomplished from getting a bit of it done! It's okay to take weeks and months and slowly do it bit by bit. Nobody can do this in a day or two, and you should have no pressure on you to progress quickly. Good luck!

[cadmium-free]

Funeral Parade of Roses (1969) - Watched on August 5, 2023

It spirals to its inevitable conclusion. We revisit a moment, a scene. A little more plays out, we step back or step forward. We live transfixed in a moment. Sometimes a scene mirrors another, it's all the same but with different details. There is no escaping fate, we can only be sucked closer and closer to our inevitable conclusion.

Stop Making Sense (1984) - Watched on October 5, 2023

I genuinely don’t think this needs any explanation or justification at all. I could watch it over and over and over and over and over.

Possession (1981) - Watched on October 17, 2023

It took me three sittings to get through this film and I wasn’t sure I liked it immediately after I finished it. And then it just simmered in my mind for days and weeks after until it finally clicked into place. I love the way Sam Neill moves in this. Everyone comments on the haunting way Isabelle Adjani looks directly into the camera, and yea. Yeah. Ok. Yeah. Yeah.

The Devils (1971) - Watched on June 26, 2023

I thought going into it with the full knowledge of Urbain Grandier would defang it, and perhaps this did soften the blow a bit, but it's audacious, frenzied, sensual. You get tangled up in its themes, its sensations, its torture.

Dog Day Afternoon (1975) - Watched on January 13, 2023

This set off a brief and ferocious obsession with Al Pacino. I have a strained relationship with films based on true crimes, but this slides past my qualms, perhaps just on the strength of the fact John Wojtowicz himself did write a review of it.

Bound (1996) - Watched on April 5 and August 19, 2023

The way Corky and Violet can come together with genuine trust so quickly. The way Ceaser can misunderstand Violet so fundamentally. The literal betrayal in realising who someone is.

Häxan (1922) - Watched on October 27, 2023

The 1922 equivalent of a Youtube video essay where a guy is like, "Guys, I just learned a bunch of fucked up facts about witches and witch trials. I think maybe we just execute women for being poor and mentally ill. Also aren't mental institutions a bit fucked up?" but like, a bit hornier than you would expect for the subject.

Cruising (1980) - Watched on January 17, 2023

It’s all about looking and being noticed. The camera is looking. Al Pacino is looking. The men are looking. And the ambiguity of the gaze and the plot.

Pontypool (2008) - Watched on October 4, 2023

It's a film about words. It's a film about broadcasting from a radio station and seeing nothing. Our imagination fills in the visual gaps. It's so much more horrifying to be piecing everything together from the safety of a recording booth.

The Lair of the White Worm (1988) - Watched on February 1, 2023

Hugh Grant—looking like a lesbian—who is a freaky little rich boy who believes in cryptids, Peter Capaldi—looking like a lesbian—sucking snake venom from a neck bite, an incredibly sexy snake woman with a house full of snake stuff, a giant snake puppet, surreal dream sequences, the coolest game of snakes and ladders ever made, snake dicks, weaponised bagpipe music, homoeroticism, and giant strap-ons.

Ravenous (1999) - Watched on October 19, 2023

This film is so offbeat and strange. It has the strange feel of a comedy, while being a really understandably grim depiction of cannibalism as manifestation of greed, expansionism, and colonization. I kept having these moments of shock that this was a studio movie, that studios were willing to make this film that so thoroughly deconstructs the American mythology.

Penda's Fen (1974) - Watched on July 6, 2023

The first movie in a long time that has made me feel as though I need to pick it apart like an essay, to rewatch multiple times and take notes and repeat sentences until I’ve done a thorough analysis. I've never had a film hit me in quite this way before.

[paikothecateater]

Literally playing farming simulator rn as you posted that, wild.

Anyway Iceland being the main animal guy is so cute it reminds me of that one small YouTube farm channel where the guy would make extra money passively raising baby goats (would sell them after) and he’d make videos where he would just sit down then all 4 baby’s would sprint to him and jump on him.

Alright, I really want to expand on this AU, so here's a branching headcanon.

I feel like Denmark has a huge no farm animals in the house rule. It upsets Iceland to no end because he always wants to be around them.

On multiple occasions, I've made the headcanon that Denmark spoils Iceland and physically can't say no to him, so why not implement that in this AU.

As much as it hurts Denmark, he has to stand firm on his rule, but he also knows that he can't keep Iceland from at least having one house pet. He decides that the only exception to this rule would be a baby goat that Iceland can raise however he likes.

So, on Iceland's birthday, he walks in with a tiny, completely snow white, baby goat with a pink ribbon tied around it's neck. Iceland immediately goes absolutely crazy over this baby goat. He runs up to hug Denmark and takes the little goat into his arms. He eventually decides to name her Pie.

This little goat is an absolute angel. Goats can be pretty mischievous, but this little angel just wants to be held. Iceland carries this baby around all day every day. Initially, Denmark would have preferred it if the goat could stay outside, but there was no way in hell Iceland would let his baby sleep outside. No, she sleeps right next to him.

But hey, that's how Denmark got rid of his problem completely. Iceland was completely content with his baby Pie and never wanted another pet ever again...

... Until one day, a pretty intense storm hits. Thankfully, Iceland manages to get all the animals safely indoors. He walks into the house last to see that Finland also seems to have been caught in the storm by surprise. He makes a casual comment about a cat he saw get absolutely drenched. Cats get into the land all the time, but there's usually plenty mice and other vermin available to keep them away from trying to eat any of the chickens, so they're usually allowed to stay. Iceland cannot stop asking about this cat. They try to assure him it'll probably be okay, but he is just inconsolable, so Norway offers to go look for it and bring it in to calm Iceland down. He walks out and comes back 20 minutes later, absolutely drenched, holding this battered, sopping, white cat. Despite the fact that it looked like it had been through the trenches, it looked well fed enough. Norway hands Iceland the cat and gets a grateful hug for his trouble. Iceland gives the cat a warm bath to get it clean, dries it up and cradles it on his lap, later discovering that this cat is in fact a girl. Denmark sees this and gets physically ill at the thought of having to make Iceland release the cat after the storm. He walks over to him, puts an arm on his shoulder and goes "yes, you can keep it." Iceland gets super excited and names this cat 'Beatrice' or Bea for short. Once dry and comfortable, the innocent grateful kitty act immediately melts away and it turns out that Beatrice is a super mean cat. Despite being the one who rescued her, Norway ended up getting the worst of it though it didn't bother him as he's not really a cat person. Bea is only the absolute sweetest around Iceland and maybe Denmark. She follows Iceland everywhere and earns her keep by hunting down rodents and bugs.

So yeah, Denmark's rule kind of fell on its ass, but he knew right from the start. Iceland loves animals too much to keep away from them for any amount of time.

I'm falling down a rabbit hole and I'm going to do nothing about it.

[mansion1of7]

Wooden Ocean & games as entities

For the last 41 days I've been obsessed with Wooden Ocean, cause this project speaks to me on so many levels and is an extremely interesting, ever evolving piece of art that I think should be studied and paid attention to, so, here's a rant that'll probably end up way too long w/ heavy autistic overtones!!

Warning: There will be light spoilers, but this post will not be about lore. I will make reference to story elements at times, but I will be examining more the creation of it, the magic of it, or maybe more accurately what it makes me feel and some mentally ill ramblings about how games are complex and beautiful art

Part 1: A Wocean of Content

Wooden Ocean takes place in, well, a sprawling "ocean" of forests (as well as some actual ocean too). This Wooden Ocean is ridiculously densely packed with content. It's an extremely big game to the point I doubt anyone will ever see everything in it with a single playthrough. That's cause this game has been getting constant work and updates almost every month for the last 9yrs, and is designed in a very open "find your own path" kinda way, making it easy to just stuff and expand every corner of the map with new things and introduce new sets of enemies, loot, quests, stories, dungeons, etc.

I was introduced to this game, like most of the recent fans, when a small YouTuber, Worm Girl, dropped an almost two hour long video covering it. I watched about 5min and decided to stop watching and delve into it myself, and I don't regret that for a second (though I highly recommend the video too, it's amazing)

I'm an indie nerd for sure, and I love unique takes and invention in the (J)RPG genre specifically. Probably cause my brain got infected by Undertale as a kid, but there's always something so special about the stories these solo/small team devs tell. I'm a massive Indivisible defender despite the fact ik these kinda projects ain't for everyone, but there's a very unique kinda passion and soul you can find in these type games, so obviously when this absolute gem and constantly evolving work of love and dedication was just handed to me on my feed I felt genuinely blessed

Cracking open and exploring this game is a fucking experience. It's definitely overwhelming, but despite how much stuff there is and how many systems and mechanics there are, the game is still very simple. It's a JRPG. You walk around, you talk, you fight, you loot, you get stronger, you probably fight some deities at some points, and you get attached to the characters you're traveling with. Sure, the text on your starting skill might be something like:

[Magic x 1.5 + Luck x 3 - Enemy Luck x 5]

But that just means "if you have more luck and magic, skill do more damage", so it's one of those things that can look intimidating, but is actually very simple and even helpful. A lot of the game at a glance might seem difficult to get into, but through different difficulties and a big variety of play styles, you can kinda choose if you wanna push yourself to the absolute limits, or if you wanna make damn near every fight end after 2 button presses and fully focus on the exploration and story instead. It's a game you can approach in so many ways, so let me get into that, cause this will be important to the overall point of this chaos

Part 1.1: Variety in Wocean, Elements, Expression

15 elements

8 weapon types + shields

Armours and other equippables with effects ranging from giving you access to new elements, buffing certain stats, trading stats for others, resistances, etc, etc

You choose two elements for the main character (Violet) when starting a new game, and you get to choose one element for each party member (2 by default after the prologue, 2 optional unlockable ones). All these elements are surprisingly distinct and unique. While they follow a formula of "x amount of attack spells, x amount of buffs, x amount of healing spells, x amount of debuffs" that are unlockable, they still all serve different purposes (which is helped a lot by the fact different elements are tied to different stats) and are good at different things with very distinct themes, like "Carbon" which is themed around using flesh and blood magic to make your body stronger or give your enemies an aneurysm, or "Gravity" which is themed around using the defense stats of both you and your target offensively against them

The weapons are all distinct as well, all serving different roles and with different upgrade paths you can go for with it's own synergies and gimmicks. Like great swords that have a lot of attacks that hit multiple enemies, some with different elemental damages (like fire or lightning) attached to them, and self-buffs to make those hit harder, or bows which reduce your chance of being targeted, are great at debuffing single targets in various ways and can spend a turn taking aim for higher damage and critical chances

So combining these things, especially when taking into consideration that you can find weapons and equipment that give you access to extra elements when worn and weapons that got the skill sets of multiple different weapon types + accessories that can have a massive impact on your build, suddenly you have crazy amounts of customisation and options for super personalised builds

Due to the ever changing nature of the games combat with the constant balance patches and updates adding new content and the dev taking player feedback very seriously and acting based on it sometimes the very same day the feedback is given, and the extreme variation, the builds you end up with are an expression of your personal journey through the game, your adaptation to this ever changing and never fully knowable meta, and probably also just something you made cause it's just what spoke to you the most

Despite the game being like an exploration of this one passionate artists mind across years and years, it's still a game where you can heavily express yourself through how you approach it and interact with this world and it's simple at a surface level but complex mechanics, OR you could just buy some very big, infinitely reusable bombs and play the game how the proffesionals do it

Part 1.2: Murda Mentality

So that brings us to Amelia "Murda" Baker and the concept of murda as a lifestyle, spiritual practice and political identity

Amelia is one of those 2 initial party members, the other one being her brother, Alex. They make for an interesting and engaging dynamic with Violet, cause while Violet, a highly skilled witch, is very powerful in her own right, she knows very little about the true nature of the world she exists within, most likely less than the player. But these siblings in contrast have knowledge way beyond what the player does, but not necessarily the desire to sit the player or Violet down and lore dump all at once. This leads to storytelling that kinda naturally lets the player in on things about the world through dialogue, slowly peeling back layers of the mysteries and hinting at new aspects as you explore the game, talk to NPCs, play through quest lines, etc

The writing is also just genuinely hilarious. Dialogue is often written in a way that feels very authentic and natural, despite how absolutely unhinged some of the shit said in this game is, and I think based on having spent time in the community that most players would agree the funniest character in this game, if there was a vote had, would be: Amelia "Murda" Baker

She's a character who treats the game like, well, the game that it is. While she has genuine and emotional moments, a lot of the time she just responds to most situations with the word "murda" with varying tone and facial expressions, and sometimes also with the action of "murda"

You could call her just a comedy character, but I think that'd be unfair as this character and characterisation perfectly represents the kinda attitude you should have towards this experience. Don't take it overly serious, have fun with it, fuck around and find out, kill shit, get loot, explore, murder symbols of authority for being shitty people representing and upholding shitty systems

Now, I'm not saying Amelia "Murda" Baker is The Anarchist Messiah, she can't exactly be said to care too much about the good of the people, in the sense that she eats people, and her catch phrase is "murda", cause she does that to people. A lot. But what I am saying is that she's like a constant reminder to not be taking this world too seriously and have fun first and foremost, without diving fully into a nihilistic "nothing matters" mentality as there are genuine stakes, things and people to be cared about, interesting topics explored and working classes to protect (or alternatively fascist police states to be established if you're a fucking weirdo ig, personally I have nobody working at my town's pig pen and I'm keeping it that way)

Taking things not too seriously, fucking around, experimenting, having fun, enjoying this vast, layered world however you feel like in the moment, is core to keep in mind for:

Part 1.3: Layers Beneath a Vast Wocean

The Wooden Ocean, as I've mentioned, is massive. It's the kind of thing where even going into it expecting it to be big, you'll still be shocked at the size of it. Even if I tell you that the game starts you off on a huge landmass stretching every direction, with multiple layers of interconnected dungeons, caves and sewers all forming a sprawling underground network, and multiple islands and other places to travel I haven't even talked about yet (and I probably haven't found all of myself yet), I would still confidently bet the amount of areas in this game would surprise you if you played it

So far, the only real detailed maps of this game that are available are the ones showcased in the Poetry of Exploration series of guides by the incredible Inky (aka. The Crime Boy), which covers the overworld of the game and is being actively worked on by them with the help of other community members to have more area covered and more detailed information for those areas

In addition to everything I said already, this dev shortly after the recent boost has implemented and will be actively working on a mega dungeon, the most difficult area in the game, that he will develop on a one floor per year schedule, adding to, refining and expanding that one floor throughout the year until it's time for the next one. A dungeon so high level and challenging that it's set to not reset upon entering New Game+ so you can work your way through it over multiple playthroughs

Oh, and that's not even mentioning the couple places you can go in the world where there very clearly will be a lot of stuff, but gives you the message "future content" when interacting, so, as you can see, this game is constantly expanding in every direction at an honestly concerning rate (please take care of yourself too man goddamn)

Now this might again sound overwhelming, but if you apply some Murda Mentality you'll find an experience in some regards reminiscent of Yume Nikki or LSD: Dream Emulator. While this does in some ways have a more coherent world as well as progression systems, clear goals and all that, it's still a very dreamlike, entrancing, free form exploration that's easy to get lost in, with plenty of weird and beautiful visuals to admire and different concepts and ideas explored in a variety of different ways

Now though we're starting to get into the topic of

Part 2: Magic is Real; Art as Spellcrafting

It's not just witches and warlocks!! You too could be eligible for magic!! Find out today, or at your own pace I guess, whatever, idc..

You've probably noticed by now that I might fall within some people's definition of "pretentious", but if I had a great sense of self importance I wouldn't be writing an entire essay on Tumblr about an RPG Maker game at 4am or admit within it that after years of being nameless after coming out, this game is what introduced me to the name that's now me

So, clearly this game has left a very big impression on me and resonates with me on a deeper level than most things. These qualities can be found in all art though, and that's part of the broader point I'm making with this. Emotion is magic, art is made with, inflicts and inspires emotion, you have magic in your veins!! The beautiful chaos at display in The Greatest Expression will force you to face these truths!!

Okay nevermind! Not at your own pace! Not at any sane humans pace! Calm tf down man...

Part 2.1: The Basics of Spellcrafting

Expression is a form of magic that's to an extent innate in humans. While every craft takes practice, even a toddler will have ways in which it expresses itself. Expression is emotions channeled into something that can affect other people, and the most common way humans express emotions, aside from basic communication, is through art

From placing words in specific ways to draw out emotion in text or verbal form, translating the (inherently abstract) images, concepts and ideas in your head into real life using lines on paper, combinations of sounds, movements, personas, working of fabrics or materials, using tools or machines in specific ways, personal fashion, all of this is art, all of this is expression, you all do magic to some degree in your life (even if you're not classified as a witch, warlock, wizard or other similar entity!!)

And now its stealing my lines too... I'm done, I'm leaving, I don't need this rn...

Not all expression is art, but all art is expression, and whether it's corporate copy-paste shit or boundary pushing, inventive indie shit, the creation of art is a form of spellcrafting

There's an endless variety of ways people choose to craft their spells, often combining several of the forms of expression I mentioned (among plenty other ones!!) and often honing their skills at and learning new things about the art(s) involved in crafting that spell during the process. A painter will have a deeper understanding of a brush than anyone without that experience can fathom, the language of it integrates and becomes part of their instincts, the minute movements of it registering in their subconscious which acts accordingly, as extensions of themselves

Now of course that don't mean every painter can use, wants to use or even likes every brush, but just the fact that they can often tell those things just by holding (or even just looking at) a brush shows how this spellcrafting process has become natural to them. Their preferences in tools and the ways they use their tools might change over time, or they might stick to something super specific, but regardless it will become more and more a part of them. Their craft, understanding of it and methods for it will evolve and change as long as they continue to express themselves

Part 2.2: Vessel of the Gods

One of the most important tools in the process of crafting a game, is the engine it's made in. Different engines have different languages, quirks, strengths and weaknesses, so what engine is used and how you modify and alter it is something that will affect the entire work. The engine and how it's used determines what boundaries and restrictions you're working within during the process of turning these smaller pieces of art into a cohesive, interactable realm

It's the vessel through which you get to be the creator of this interactable art piece, so obviously we need to talk about this developers game engine of choice, the legendary:

RPG Maker VX Ace

RPG Maker is a series of game engines designed for making JRPG style games, and are designed specifically to be easily accessible, with little to no programming needed to make a JRPG. They're both beloved and infamous at the same time. On one hand they're the easiest way to make a JRPG thanks to having all the basics already in place for you, and plenty of hit games (at least within gaming spheres) have been made using these engines, proving they can produce great results and that there'd be an audience for the result. On the other hand though, due to being so specialised for that specific purpose, they got a lot of limitations on what's possible to do within them, and due to the engines having such a "low skill floor" so to speak some people have an inherent bias towards games made with them, in some way putting a limitation on the size of the audience too

RPG Maker VX Ace, the 33rd engine in the "RPGツクール" franchise, is the engine this man has been spending so many years of his life learning, working with and using as his main spellcrafting tool while creating The Wooden Ocean. I won't pretend to have a deep understanding of it, cause I really don't. I've played around a little with RPG Maker MV before, but just my knowledge on that one is extremely basic, I couldn't even tell you a single one of the differences between them

While I might be ignorant, after a conversation with Errantstar, an active community member who's been delving into and documenting the inner workings of Wocean (as well as showcasing a whole bunch of obscure games on Twitch), I've become somewhat educated, and the knowledge it provided me during our talk will be woven into things moving forward

The same way an artist shapes their work with their tools, the tools shape the work just as much. While a spell cannot exist without a caster, a caster cannot cast without it's spellcrafting tools. It's a symbiotic, or maybe more accurately a codependent, relationship. Spellcrafting requires metaphysics of a mind merging with the physics of a tool, coming together and forming

Part 2.3: The Shape of Expression

An author writing a novel for publication is restricted in their craft to placing letters within the confines of pages. Those restrictions contribute heavily to the shape of that work. Those restrictions are what make it a novel. An author can use those letters however they want though, and the pages can have variations and alterations to them, like the controlled chaos of the formatting in House of Leaves

So, you remember how big, open, dense and interconnected Wooden Ocean is, yh? And the varied and unique combat system? Well, that combat and the game as a whole has a bunch of complex systems and mechanics I haven't even mentioned, and as we know, RPG Maker VX Ace isn't exactly made for all that

In order to create Wooden Ocean, this developer has had to modify the engine, push and expand it's limits, work within the restrictions while challenging them. In order to follow his vision he had to create makeshift solutions for increasingly more problems, but the further the engine gets from it's inteded purpose, the more volatile it becomes, and suddenly every change he makes or thing he adds could have uninteded consequences affecting other aspects of it

There's been plenty of things he's had to solve, things he's had to just roll with, and there's several upcoming challenges on the horizon. One of those being that he's nearing the maximum amount of things (everything from items to rooms to enemies, etc) the engine allows you to put into a game. Everything he adds comes with something the engine added in a sense, his actions cause both predictable and unpredictable reactions from it, which he in turn has to respond to

This back and forth between this caster and his tools is what gives Wooden Ocean it's shape

Magic is real, art is spellcrafting, and the story of a spells creation can be felt within it

With everything from the beginning to now in mind, let's enter the final stages of this chaos

Part 3: The Greatest Expression

The Wooden Ocean is sometimes referred to by the inhabitants within as The Greatest Expression

How couldn't it be if it's all you know?

But this piece of expression being great wouldn't be incorrect. Despite the chaotic process projects like this go through it's a (mostly) very smooth and engaging experience that clearly has something to say and is one of the most unique and refreshing things I've played in recent memory. The passion on display revealing itself more and more for every step of every cycle across such a vast and intricate journey is an amazing thing to witness and why I love this expression

Something core to every spell is the caster, something core to every world is the creator, so it's time we talk about the deity of this realm

Part 3.1: God

Leif Ian Anderson is the mad god behind this beautiful chaos known as Wocean. A being that can be spotted in places like the Steam forums talking about "murdas" and "blood altars", who shows no semblance of sanity in the inhuman speeds he works at and how he fills the game with characters like this

Fr though, this man deserves his flowers. His dedication is more than paying off. Call it recency bias if you want, but after over a month of playing it almost every day, after having beaten it, I'm still just as excited and filled with wonder jumping back in. Thank you for this expression, thank you for this experience, and thank you for my name Sincerely

Now, I won't pretend to know much about the guy. He got a Scandinavian name and lives in Florida, he makes Wooden Ocean, he probably still works a regular job and that's about all I'm aware of. His presence is very heavily felt throughout all of this game though, naturally, as it's his expression. A display of concepts, ideas and views in the form of a digital museum with an addictive gameplay loop

Despite the heavy use of altered free assets his creativity is on constant display in every corner of the world, in every line of text, in every mechanic. In fact the altered free assets and how he uses them is a big part of what gives it such a unique aesthetic, and even ties into and heightens the narrative and concepts at the core of the experience

This is a god who cares a lot about his world and the people who interact with it. He will respond to (and if possible fix) any problem or bug reported. Almost to a fault as he's known for sometimes over correcting too much, like when a complaint about gravity attack spells being too strong resulted in gravity now being one of the weakest elements in the game. To me though, this is a big part of the charm of this game. It's unpredictable, and everything in it has a story behind it

Despite being the god of this world, his work has a lot of humanity in it. A lot of soul. He might joyfully make some sadistic design decisions from time to time, but simultaneously he will do anything in his power to make this experience accessible to as many people as possible

A merciless and mysterious god

A merciful and transparent god

Part 3.2: Mezra

Mezra is a lot of things in the Wooden Ocean

Mezra is a religion, and also a chara- or, well, several characters. We got Mezra (the witch), Mezra (the architect), Mezra (the angel), Mezra (the artist), and then there's some Mezras not explicitly named Mezra but their names are definitely Mezra, you got an Ezra in there as well for good measure, oh and then there's also Mezra (the author) and, shit, even my name is Mezra!!

Now I won't get into the lore on any of these characters, but I want you to note the hilariously excessive amount of Mezra there is in this game. The game is very self aware of this ofc, with some characters in the game drawing attention to it and finding it just as confusing as anyone would. While it's a good bit, it's also a lot more than that in several ways. The most relevant one to this topic being the theme of self-observation

While these may be different characters, there's always a Mezra observing a Mezra. Deity Mezra is always watching down upon the mortal Mezras, the mortal Mezras are ofc aware of the religion of Mezra, a Mezra might interact with a Mezra, you get the picture. Mezras on every layer, with different viewpoints, observing eachother

If we were to view the different Mezras as one, if we were to think of them as a collective, then the idea of "Mezra" is a perfect representation of Leifs role in this world. He is a deity, a creator, but also an observer to this game. In many aspects he has knowledge way beyond anyone else about his artwork, but in some regards he might know less than a player would about something within it

The unpredictable nature of the spellcrafting process and vast amount of content with so many ways of interacting with it leaves him in a space where he's both a deity and mortal within

Part 3.3: The Entity Known as Wocean

Expansive, ever changing, unpredictable, filled with magic, expression, never fully knowable even to the artist, caster, creator, god of this realm, The Greatest Expression, Wooden Ocean is an entity more than it is a static interactable artwork

Expression is done through it, both by the player and the developer, but it also expresses itself back in a sense. Not to say it's alive or has a mind, but conceptualising it as it's own entity gives a clearer picture of what this work feels like to interact with

It's got a personality that goes beyond what deities and mortals intentionally imbue it with. It's a creation participating in it's own creation. Forever changing itself for as long as the process continues, forever having left an impact on itself whenever it comes time for the process to end

Wooden Ocean isn't the only game with these characteristics, but it's a perfect example, no?

Never before have I seen a game that exists as an entity to this degree, never before have I seen a game that exists as an entity where that fact ties so beautifully into the intended expression

This has been my first love letter to and one of many reasons why I'm so obsessed with

Final Words (Process & Credits)

That number you see in the very first sentence of this post was originally 26. Partially due to being a slow writer, but also due to feeling it would be in the spirit of this expression, I been taking my time with this. 15 days to be exact. Which, like, this shit's extremely excessive ngl lol, but spending my spare time the last two weeks exploring the game further and interacting with and learning from the community while occasionally opening this up in the drafts and putting down some words has honestly been super fun!! I hadn't even beaten the game or watched any Wocean content yet during the writing of anything before Part 2.2, while now I'm fucking around in NG+ and on higher difficulties, still constantly discovering new things, places, quirks, mechanics, etc

Cause of this, in some parts, there might be some small inaccuracies or things left out (like the talent system I never mentioned) and in the latter half some lore nerds might feel a bit peeved with parts of 3.2 for example, but I have it like this intentionally. I've gone over this whole thing and made little edits here and there throughout the entire process, but this ain't a review or a lore discussion, so I decided against being neurotic or adding new info and am embracing the chaos and quirks left over from the process instead of making it just a knowledge dumping post

I wouldn't have nearly as much knowledge of this game as I do if it wasn't for the incredible and welcoming community it has though. Talking about and shitposting about this game with the people over on the Discord has definitely deepened my obsession with and heightened my enjoyment of this experience. Y'all are great, and I'll continue delving into the Wocean with y'all at the very least for the foreseeable future. So, while I'd like to put a spotlight on each individual person I've been interacting with, for my own health and the health of the community I'll stick to just crediting and linking to the people who's contributions I've linked/referenced throughout this somewhat controlled chaos:

Worm Girl as I mentioned is an amazing YouTuber and the one who started this current Wocean wave. Very much recommend her videos on Fear & Hunger and various LISA fangames too

YouTube

Rilks wrote the weapon and element overviews/guides I linked, and has a good little YouTube channel dedicated to Wocean content!! Its also the owner of the current Discord and shows a lot of genuine care for the people in the community. He's almost at 400 subscribers, so go check her out and subscribe pussy!!

YouTube

Deesppumb tbh idk much about, haven't seen em around a lot, but seems very chill and has made some very good funnies (like the one displaying how the proffesionals do it) and got a couple more funnies on this YouTube channel, so, check it out!!

YouTube

Inko, again, is the legend who's been (and still is) putting in work mapping out this chaotic realm, and they been really sweet and helpful in my experience, so go further the Woceanisation of Tumblr by following them on here pls 🙏🙏

Tumblr

Ster was very kind for taking the time to answer several questions (most requiring long answers) just to indulge this bullshit, and does so much to help out the community by dissecting the game and being the closest thing to a Wocean wiki. They also stream very regularly, both Wocean and a bunch of other interesting and barely known RPGs, so go watch and follow you fuck!!

Twitch

Then, of course, Leif Ian Anderson. I've already said a lot there, but fr, like, show this guy some love. He's made something extremely special with this project and it's impossible not to respect his unrelenting dedication to this entity, so, obviously, play the game or at the very least check him out Wooden Ocean is on -25% sale rn until July 19th, so, perfect time to be getting into it now!!

Wooden Ocean | Twitch | SoundCloud | Patreon

Ty for reading!!

[jiraisupportgroup]

First off, I love your blog and feel so grateful for your posts! Thank you so much for all that you do 💖

The second thing I wanted to mention was a request for a type of post, sorry if you have already covered this topic before since I'm a newer follower

Can you write a post about how to sleep or cope with nighttime as a mentally ill person?

To be more specific -

I have intense emotions that can make relaxation in general hard. If I get into an argument at night, it makes sleep hard because I'll be too angry or upset to shut my mind off. Or even if I don't have an argument, maybe I'll be upset or anxious about something that hasn't happened yet. Like I'll just be feeling bad because of some thoughts in the back of my mind and there's no way to really fix it.

I have trouble calming my mind down and when I don't have enough distractions, my mind starts running through worst case scenarios and my paranoia and emotional issues get worse. I have a lot of trouble with traditional sleep advice like "Just close your eyes and meditate" because my mind always feels so loud and chaotic.

I just feel like there's no way to quiet down my mind and get enough rest, and of course being sleep deprived makes me turn into a grouch around people, which leads to more arguments and disagreements, which then causes more negative emotions that make me angry and prevent me from feeling calm, etc…

Thanks in advance if you're able to help out!

Thank you so much for your kind words ♡♡♡

I used to be much the same way back in high school / the first few years of college to be honest, and it sucks. Hyperactive minds are hard to deal with, but the more you tackle it the easier it gets, I promise, you will get there this is not forever.

I put together some ways to ground yourself and kind of write through situations in this post I know it's not really "go to bed" material but I hope it can help a little bit.

As far as specifically for sleeping goes, one of the things that helped me a lot was setting a timer. I would set a timer for 3 minutes and say "Okay, nothing bad is going to happen if I don't worry about this thing for 3 minutes". And so for those 3 minutes, I would try to think about other things, and if the thoughts came back I would tell myself "My 3 minutes aren't up yet". And then I extended it to 5 minutes, and then 10 minutes, and then 15 minutes. It's a bit of a weird one so I don't know how well it would work in general, but it's worth a shot.

Another one I would do, because a lot of my anxiety was based around needing to do things or be productive, told myself sleeping is productive. I would just lay in bed and be like "Sleeping is productive I can't do the things I need to do if I don't sleep so I need to get some sleep". I could see this backfiring depending on how determined your brain is to fuck you over, but again possibly worth a shot?

In terms of distraction, I used to fall asleep listening to podcasts or videos on youtube and mentally repeating the words they were saying back so I couldn't think about other things. Sometimes this worked, but sometimes it would keep me awake and I would spend hours just repeating youtube videos in my head, but worth a shot. A lot of people recommend trying to avoid distracting yourself to fall asleep but it reaches a point where it's like if nothing else is working do what you need to do to fall asleep, ya know?

The last one is something my theatre teacher back in high school told me about for some reason? It sounds really weird but hear me out: imagine two inanimate objects having a conversation. Counting or imagining mundane tasks to fall asleep never really worked for me because my brain would give up on that and start being mean again, so she suggested imagining two inanimate objects talking to each other and telling each other about their day and what they were used for. It takes up just enough brain power that it works pretty well for me. Like two chairs talking, and one of them is like "Yeah I was used at a high school assembly they were having a dumb meeting about the dress code" and the other one is like "I mean that sounds more interesting than what I do, I just sit in an empty cubicle all day long". Get creative with it.

Anyway, I'm not too sure how helpful any of this is but hopefully, something helps ♡ I really feel for you and I hope you're able to get the sleep you deserve soon ♡

[wishful-seeker]

Before my illness, i moved a lot. I was one of those people that couldn't sit still: constantly bouncing my legs when i sat, or swinging my legs as i stood and talked. When i developed my chronic pain i couldn't move like that anymore. Not even the simple joy of bouncing my leg was possible. And for 4 years i lived very carefully, moving only when i needed to. But a few months ago in January, when i had my 10 day ketamine treatment, during those ten days the pain was GONE. 𝘊𝘰𝘮𝘱𝘭𝘦𝘵𝘦𝘭𝘺. And you know what my body did? It IMMEDIATELY reverted back to bouncing around, swaying, and doing other stims constantly. Obviously the pain came back because there is no cure, but it made me realize just HOW MUCH is taken when you have pain like that. How there is a large, visible difference in every action i take when im healthy versus not healthy. I was watching a YouTuber i like, who frequently stims like this, doing silly little dances, kicking her foot in the air, etcetera, and shes 31. In one video she was wearing a back brace and made a joke about her body falling apart. And here i am at 23 and i can't even JUMP or RUN. no hate to her obviously but she doesn't even realize how lucky she is to be able to DANCE. I miss dancing. I miss writing. I miss running. I miss bouncing my leg. In physical therapy last week they had me do automatic writing as an exercise, because being able to write again without extreme pain is a goal of mine. 𝘈𝘯𝘥 𝘪𝘵 𝘧𝘦𝘭𝘵 𝘴𝘰 𝘨𝘰𝘰𝘥. I used to write stories all the time, writing is a big hobby of mine. Being able to do it again for just a small moment made me realize how much i missed it.

There are so many things that I've lost, that im 𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘺 𝘴𝘭𝘰𝘸𝘭𝘺 but 𝘴𝘶𝘳𝘦𝘭𝘺 getting back. It'll never be the same, never like it used to be, but im getting my life back. I'm not sure what my point is here. Maybe it's to remind people not to take things for granted, but honestly we shouldn't have to be grateful for basic joys. You SHOULD be able to make jokes about your body falling apart at 30 even though it's definitely not. I shouldn't have to see bouncing my leg as a luxury or a dream goal of mine, but it's the truth. It's a dream of mine. I guess its just strange and isolating to see people take these things for granted, when i can't even write. But then again! There could be people looking at me, who are worse off, seeing ME take certain things for granted. It's a strange cycle of isolation.

[dignityofadog]

eughhhhh why does my entire life revolve around ollie!!! not that im complaining, of course. if ollie isnt online then im thinking about ollie. if im not online then im thinking about ollie. oh, i did something that reminds me of ollie. would ollie like this? should i show this to ollie? i wonder if ollie does the same things i do. in fact, i wonder what ollie's routine is. that skk pic reminds me of us! ill tag them. i found a silly audio i could send to them. i also saw a picture of a cat. ollie seems to like cats. i should compare him to them. they mentioned they like getting compared to cats. and biting stuff (or themselves, really). ollie really does sound like one. their bedtime is around 11:00 pm. but they live in ireland, which is around 8 hours ahead from where i live, so its usually 3 in the afternoon when they go offline. they get up at midnight in my time, so 8 o'clock there. i try to pass the time but it takes forever. sometimes ill nap or read. maybe masturbate. it gets boring without them. ollie's never skateboarded before; they think its scary. he said they think their height is 5'1, just an inch under me. i like to tease ollie about that. ollie takes really short showers, too (just like him). i also tease them about that. it doesnt seem to like flirting, but when its playful and non-genuine they find it funny, although i try to avoid it altogether. in a discord chat, before they met me, ollie said partner was a term they favored over girlfriend/boyfriend. i think its cute; im starting to prefer 'partner' too. it said they thought about cuddling a lot. ill try to bring it up once in awhile to know theyre not alone in that thought. they bought a plant after we first met. we call each other names a lot, like 'homosexual' or 'gay' or smth about the country we live in. its fun to do that. theyll make posts on the transmasc dazai headcanon. it projects a lot onto dazai, especially 15zai. they like bsd gacha reactions but not the ooc ones yet he stills watches them anyways. the only types he doesnt watch are the videos including youtube shorts. its relatable though. they recently made a strawpage if any of y'all have scrolled so far. ollie is autistic and says they take showers a lot because he doesnt like being sweaty. it said theyre asexual so even if theyre fine with sex jokes, i also try not to bring them up often. he has three dogs in total, four at their dad's home (the ones most popular in being sent to me are ruby and archie; his dad's girlfriend has two other dogs called suzie and max) and one at their mom's (poppy). they call their mom 'mam' which i, again, think is cute. their birthday is december 20th. thats only six days before mine. ollie sends me voice messages a lot and i really like their voice. some words are kinda hard to hear with the dialect differences but its mainly understandable. ollie introduced me to the game pony town a few weeks ago and i really go on there to boop and kiss them. other than that, im not online often. purple, yellow, certain shades of green and brown, and blue are some colors ollie said they liked. i once asked if theyd rate himself out of ten. ollie's answer was '10/10 ofc'. ill think about if i could vent about unimportant things that seem important at the moment. ollie could do the same to me. i wouldnt mind. i find that everything about it is important. it might like this song or this band or this genre. whats his favorite author? should i vc or is it at their moms home? why wont they respond? ollie must be busy. but what if ollie isnt? what if theyre ignoring me? i really do know i need to stop getting caught up in my head. i know they care for me. but even the tiniest bit of thinking they dont like me makes me upset. but then they text me and i get happy again!! i love talking to them <3 it brings me comfort. speaking of comfort, they'll try to make me feel better when i mention im sad, it doesnt help much, but i appreciate the thought. i really do. ollie's kind.