#maybe i'm just screaming to the void and nobody will care since that's how it's gone so far

[oh-snapperss]

they'll fund a genocide and let their poor regions be destroyed. don't fucking forgive them for that.

my hometown is completely gone from what pictures i can find of it, i have not heard from my family (including aunts, uncles, parents, one sibling, and a grandparent), and the infrastructure in the mountain communities is wiped out. i cannot stress how catastrophic this is, or how difficult it will be for these communities to build back. i am angry, and scared, and heartbroken by everything that's happened.

and our government is spending it's money to fund a genocide.

free palestine, and don't be complicit. realize that this is not something happening that doesn't affect you--although it shouldn't take this to care about the deaths of thousands of people anyway.

[sophieenjoysbagels]

i have a thing from november..

Mike:

I don't know why I cry. I just do. I don't mean too. My mom just used to call them little “fits of mine” oh well. but when Abby shows one bit of something everything goes to her. I've been dealing with these all my life, but I can't do anything. It's like I'm in a void. I can't move, talk or anything. My clothes get tight, I hear ringing and I just cry. It's worse when I'm in public. I used to cry just because somebody was touching me on the arm. Luckily, when me and ness met, i got comfortable around him. He's amazing and he helps me alot, mentally. He told me what I have are called “shutdowns” and he understands what I need when I can't. He gives me space, he asks to touch me on the ARM. wow. He even learned all the textures off my clothes and what I eat. Nobody has done that before. Before I took care of Abby I had a girlfriend. She didn't care for me and didn't help me whatsoever, she refused to take me in public because of my little “childish meltdowns”. Ness is way better than her. He also helps with my nightmares. He holds me while I sleep. He MAKES SURE I SLEEP. Like oh my god. I had to go on a double date thing and my little “fits” happened..”

 “Hey Mike, remember we have that double date at the mall at 2.” ness reminded mike for the 5574th time. “...yep. Bye, love you.” “bye mike.” (god i really don't wanna do this. I don't hate them, I just hate the mall even though I work there..) mike was thinking as he fidgeted with the spare change in his baggy jean pocket. (oh god.. I have to go.. wait Vanessa texted me..) we see you loser come over here. (oh god oh god oh god i can't do this today. Great ness texted me too.) on my way mike, you got this. “Huh.. maybe i can” mike thought to himself, walking over dragging his left foot. “U-u-u-u-uh h-hey guys..” (shit i fucked this up already.) “hey mike ya good?” Vanessa obviously questions. (oh good i'm gonna struggle to speak. Where is ne-) “hey guys! Hey mike!” “...” Mike just stands there blinking. Luckily ness got the hint. …”ok lets go order food..” “ how about you and cindy (Vanessa's gf) go and order quickly?” “alrighty.” vannaesa   and Cindy walk off. “Mike.” (why does he have to be so tall?!?!) “...y-eah?” (oh gosh.) “Are you ok? I'm concerned " "uhm yeah… im fine?” “Alright then. (the lunch thing is going ok. although i hated how loud it was and the lights! Why are they so bright? I feel like I'm gonna pass out. And why are my clothes so tight? “...Mike…” I don't know if i can do this? “..mike.” Can I?) “MIKE!” “oh my god do you have to yell!?” Mike screamed, tearing up a little and covering his ears. “Everybody can hear you.” “(ness: i'm gonna take him somewhere to calm down for a bit.)” “yeah.. Of course we understand!” Vanessa said. “Yeah!!” Cindy agreed. “Ok mike.. Walk with me…”

“N-ness im s-sorry -I t-tried…” “mike! I know you did.” “here.” ness said, giving mike a semi full hug while mike still had his hands over his ears. (this is kind of nice. guess he helps.) “Are you ok to go back?” “mhm i guess.” “Well it's your lucky day! We just have to say goodbye then we can leave since I dropped you off at work today.” (sigh..) Yeah ok.” ness walked back to the place where vanessa and cindy were laughing and chatting away. “Hey guys this was great but…” ness points at mike who's behind him staring at his shoes. “Yeah, of course I'm coming over to see mike tomorrow anyway.” “ok..! Bye guys..” “Mike, say bye.” “...bye..im sorry…” “bye mike, it's fine” they both say. As Ness is driving to pick up Abby with mike, he looks over and Mike is sleeping peacefully in the passenger seat. “Seems about right…'' As Ness is waiting for Abby, he puts his hand on top of Mike's. “Hey ness-” “shh.. Your brother is sleeping.” “oh ok!”When they get home Abby goes to her room and ness carries mike inside “hey ness” “yes?” he whispered. “How can you carry mike? “Well he's not that heavy, he's very lightweight.” “alright! Can I have goldfish?” “go for it 🙂”  

next day

knock knock knock. “Oh… uh hey Vannesa!” “hey ness.. How's mike?"He's good. He went to work fine today. I just want to know why he's like that.” “Yeah, same. You should get him to go get tested for something.” “you really think so?!” “yeah.. I know mike said abby had autism and adhd but i don't think he knows its genetic. There's a good chance he has it.” “we can mention it later” “actually- can you do it vanessa? I feel like he would understand better from his best frie-"" I'M HIS BEST FRIEND?!?!? OMG! I'm gonna tear up…..” “Vanessa focus…” “oh yep- sorry! Well ima go to work see ya later!!” “bye!!” “whatever..” Vanessa drives to the empty parking lot of the freddys pizzeria, seeing a familiar car. “MIKE!!” Vanessa calls out, hearing nothing. “Where are the robots..?” She starts racing to the office. Mike is fine, better than fine actually. He fell asleep and all of the robots gathered around him, making sure he's ok. “Get out of here and get back to your stage.” she shooed them away. “Mike..” ngmh “MIKE.” “OK IM SORRY DONT HURT M- oh hi Vannesa..'' Mike flashed his very signature smile. “What do you think you were doing? You know you can't sleep on the job. It's dangerous.” “I know I know, it's just- I've been dealing with stuff and it's-hard to sleep….”

[underfell-brittle-bright]

Fortunately, having been to the Surface before, Roller isn't immediately blinded by the sun.

Unfortunately, nothing prepares him for the anxiety-inducing sensation of standing on land and being so high up in the atmosphere at the same time.

He panics at first, tempted to crawl on all fours just to find his center of gravity.

…But none of these other skeletons seem to notice (or share) his predicament. It doesn't seem to be a problem for them.

He stands still until the feeling passes, unwilling to fall into pieces over nothing.

The dizziness does get better-- after a minute or three and a drink from his water flask. Even if he isn't exactly 100% at the moment.

And then, he's handed a net and the bug hunt begins.

-----

He makes sure that no one is looking before he begins crawling across yet another bridge, bug net clacking on the wood below.

Roller is fully aware that all of this makes him look like a moron, but… he accidently looks past the boards in the bridge.

The empty expanse of sky below him is limitless, infinite. A void of seafoam green that makes his knees buckle and his chest go heavy. This abyss would swallow him whole if he let it, and nobody would hear his screams.

…He just can't bear to walk across these islands normally. His self-preservation won't allow it.

Roller ungracefully clambers onto the next island, sweating and breathless. He soaks in a bit more sun from his starfish position in the grass before he stands up.

A butterfly floats in front of his ribcage. He scrambles to try and catch it in his net-- and catches his own boot.

He hasn't had much experience with catching bugs before. Flies ran circles around him, roly-polies were too small for his boxy fingers, and he wasn't sure if worms counted. Do worms count? Are worms bugs? He has no clue, and it's not like he knows who to ask.

Regardless of bug-identification semantics, Roller attempts to chase this particular winged thing down, bound and determined to make it back to the others with more than one butterfly in his inventory.

-----

Roller tries to catch his breath in the grass, taking another sip of water. He'd never had this much sunlight before. Not even during that whole "Golden Dorado" fiasco in Central Canada-- but then again, it had been winter at the time. He was glad that he'd thought to pack three water flasks this time. It was trees and grass and sky for miles around, and there didn't seem to be any kind of lake or water station anywhere.

He sighs contentedly.

How many months had it been since he'd last seen the sun? Six? Ten? There was no way to tell. He couldn't keep up with the time Underground; it all blurred together without something physical to hold onto. And when was the last time he ran? For fun too, no less.

He feels like a kid again. And something tells him that if he looked in the mirror, he'd look like a child, too.

Roller sits up in the grass, letting the cool wind blow in through one ear hole and out the other. He cringes. As unnerving as it is to feel wind on the back of his eyeballs, it helps him cool down without moving into the shade, so he takes it.

On a nearby grey stone, another one of those flat butterflies with the "pixelated" wings settles down to rest. Or maybe just to taunt him. Him and his… two butterflies. He was pretty sure he'd caught two. And this third one was practically within arm's reach. All he had to do was get it in the net, and it'd be his.

…

…But then again, he couldn't look at it after it was in his inventory. Roller's teeth quirk up thoughtfully. He can actually see how the patterns on the wings mirror and connect from where he's sitting, now that the goofy thing is (mostly) still.

…

"…You know what," he thinks, settling down for the long term. "No one's going to care how many butterflies I catch. But while I'm here, I might as well memorize what these things look like." He takes a drink of water. "It's not like I see them every day." And that's all he does for the remainder of his time. Walk after butterflies (which he, belatedly, realizes works better than running) and take mental notes of their structure and how they look in flight.

-----

Eventually, time runs out and everyone has to gather back at the main island. Roller stretches, three butterflies in his inventory, almost out of water, and very much tired. He sighs.

The skeleton makes his way to the first of the five bridges he crossed and pauses.

"…"

With his bones spent and his sun-soaked mind at ease…

…Roller crosses each bridge with more courage than he had the first time.

---

Undertale by Toby Fox Undertale Brittle by Grotto-kay Underfell Brittle by Grotto-kay The event in question: www.deviantart.com/red8bit/art…

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #112

Yesterday's letter was flagged as spam on Facebook, and taken down.

Facebook is a place on the internet where people post up their various thoughts, writings, images, and whatnot so that others can see it. It's another means of screaming into the void and hoping that kindness will return to you. I generally write my letters on a place called Tumblr, and then scooch a slightly modified version of it over to Facebook, since the formatting for these places is slightly different. The goal is to make it so that my words are more likely to reach you and more likely to reach others who need them.

…I'm not really sure how it happened. Supposedly the box of maple-flavored tea that I showed you yesterday was offensive, though I'm not sure how. What's worse is that I'm not sure if it was the algorithm or what. It's complicated to explain. I'm not going to bother you with the details.

Either way, suppose I'll be posting only in this place until that gets all figured out. Suppose what I'll do on Facebook is post up that my next letter is out and give anyone the link who asks me for it.

I did some more work today, listing and describing items. I also did some dishes. I also finally got around to putting the third layer of epoxy on the amethyst tree sphere. Hopefully by the time it's cured, the inconsistencies in its shape will be mostly gone and it'll be ready to be sanded. The set of extremely fine-grit sandpaper arrived today, and I'm eager to put it to good use. I hope it turns out well. Suppose we'll see what happens.

Today it's warm enough outside to leave all the windows of the house open, so we opened all the windows. The breeze flowing in smells like grass and fresh soil; it's a good smell. I wish you were here to enjoy it.

At some point, I took a walk. Some of the plants around where I live are starting to sprout leaves again. I know that you like pictures of nature, so I took a few pictures for you; maybe you'll like them:

I also found a feather on the ground later in the day:

...Maybe I'll imagine that it means you'll be safe somehow.

…I feel kind of lost and empty today for reasons I don't fully understand. I think maybe I just need more water and food. I haven't been eating or hydrating well for the last several days. I drank a rehydration solution today (Pedialyte), but I've only eaten minimally; not much of an appetite. I haven't been sleeping well, either, for various reasons. Suppose if I wanna feel better, I'm gonna hafta do a better job of the whole self-care thing for at least the next week or so. Bleh.

Are you taking care of yourself? Are you safe and warm? Do you have plenty of food to eat and things to drink? Soft plushies to hug? I know you can't answer me, but I'll ask anyway. I'll ask because you deserve to have people check in on you. I'll ask because I wish you could answer. Nobody here knows, of course. And I suppose the uncertainty of it all is very difficult to deal with. But I'll keep doing my best. I'll keep my eyes and ears open for any news.

Br is visiting, and that feels good. Upon realizing that I've not eaten much today, she cut some fruit for us to share. I have a bowl of Asian pear slices and chunks of dragonfruit. I wonder if you've ever had these. I wonder if you'd like them:

We were going to watch Junk Man, but folks were hungry, and so we went to the grocery store to get a pizza. Br can't have gluten, so we got this pizza that was made with tapioca flour. And we also got toppings to add to it, since it was just a cheese pizza. We put on roasted garlic, portobello mushrooms, and pepperoni (we checked the ingredients to make sure there was no gluten, don't worry)! I was delighted to find out that the crust tastes and feels like Brazilian cheese bread! And if you don't know what that is, it's basically this bread thing that is wonderfully chewy and cheesy and amazing. The pizza was absolutely delectable!!

…It probably doesn't surprise you to know that I feel a lot better since eating. Bodies and minds get weird when the blood sugar gets low. I'll have to try to be more mindful of making sure I eat even when I don't have much of an appetite, I guess.

Br had to leave by 9 though, so there wasn't enough time for a movie. But we watched Steven Universe instead! J and I have already seen it through several times, but Br still hasn't seen most of it. Today we got to the part where we meet Lapis Lazuli.

…I think maybe you might relate to her, at least a little. She was enslaved in a mirror and used as a tool for years before Steven set her free. She was understandably very angry at the other gems for knowingly keeping her trapped in the mirror. She responded by attacking them, and then stealing the ocean, but then Steven talked to her and fixed it. It's a long and complicated story, but it's wholesome.

…I wish you could come here and watch Steven Universe with us, because actually, I think there's a lot in it that you would be able to relate to. I wish you could watch it with us and eat the yummy pizza with us. I wish you could see the whole thing. And I wish I could give you all kinds of tasty snacks to enjoy while we watch it. Alas… alas…

Well. I'm maybe rambling a little. So I suppose I'll end today's letter here. Don't forget that there are people out here wishing well on you, okay?

I love you. I'll write again in a little while. Please stay safe.

Your friend, Lumine

[levil0vesyou]

i'm so sorry for that monday production story, i hope it doesn't affect you as much now. adults really do say some wild shit and don't even realize how damaging it can be. my dad would point out all the broken and abandoned houses and dirty cars on the street and say they were mine, and i always replied they were his, and we'd start bickering, and then laughed it off, and i only thought about it recently and have no idea why he would say such a thing? i think it subconsciously got ingrained that i'm not good with housekeeping and generally don't deserve nice things (sorry for trauma dumping). just, adults are so weird with their kids and don't realize the damage

(ask is in reference to my tags on this post)

(there's more trauma in this reply btw, fair warning. under a cut bc long)

Thank you, it actually means a lot!! I wasn't even sure if anyone was gonna read it lmao, tag rambling sometimes feels like just straight up screaming into the void lmao

Hate to disappoint, but its effect on me has been increasing for years 😎👍 It's so weird how you can have shit like that lie dormant for ages until you one day go "hang on" and then it starts eating away at you

It also goes really well with her "Niemand wünscht sich ein behindertes Kind" (lit. "Nobody wishes for a disabled child" but can more accurately be translated as "Nobody wants a disabled child") which she only said once and not even about me but basically one shotted me and has been squatting in my brain evilly ever since. Top ten fucked up sentences to completely devastate your disabled child, number 4 will surprise you 😎👍

(I actually did bring that one to her attention years later but she dismissed any effects it had on me on grounds she didn't mean it that way 😎👍)

Yea, that's some bullshit tbh. Like, that's not the kinda shit a father should be saying to their kid, like bro this is an impressionable young mind in your care who trusts you blindly, not your fucking sibling or highschool bestie you can shoot the shit with. Parents give like zero shits what they say to their children, it's wild. And very concerning sometimes

And it would probably be possible to heal that shit more easily if they actually recognised that, maybe even apologised, but at least in my mum's case, she categorically refuses to acknowledge any instances of one of her children being negatively impacted by something she's said or done if we're the ones bringing it to her attention.

Like, I think she recognises some of the stuff she's said and done as not great but any attempt to amend that list will result in her "oh so I'm a horrible person and at fault for all your problems and you refuse to take responsibility hmmm?" spiel 😔

For the record tho I wanna say I don't think she's a horrible mum and especially when it came to material well being/physical health/etc she really did try her best and I could've had it much worse. She was an underpaid nurse raising three children (two of them disabled) mostly on her own while also caring for different sick elderly relatives over the years.

It's a miracle she made it work and while I do think some stuff was unnecessary, some of especially the later stuff that was more affective (not like hitting or anything, the only parental figure who ever hit me was my grandma who did it exactly one time tho even that took many years to process which is how I know "it's okay to hit your kids" ppl are full of shit) which I can far more easily understand & forgive. That said, if your own child says "[thing you did or said] had a negative impact on me" maybe believe them lmao

...yea this is a bit too long huh

[pillbug-worm-pillbug]

Maybe if I write my thoughts out it will be better. Maybe this one large, deep-chested breathe can become my scream into the void which takes this heavy, swollen balloon out of my internal cavity. So here we go. Forgive the dirtiness and filth of it all. I am just trying to be a good human- that is all I have ever done.

If I could see you again, Sparrow, I would do something to entirely destroy my self-respect. Let me explain. I think of seeing you often, although maybe not more often than is normal, given the terrible, untidy ending we made for ourselves. Once every few months, I'd say. Briefly. I usually just imagine what it would be like to run into you at the store in a week or on the street in fifteen years - in both instances I am doing wonderfully, I am gorgeous and molten and loved and desired and you wonder why you ever let me go. In those very brief dreams I have of us once again meeting, I usually hope for you to realise that we could have been great - that I have been great without you anyway. Because I want to realise that too.

But I heard about you yesterday from a friend. You intruded on my mind without my foreknowledge or planning. I am not used to thinking of you outside of my little delusions of grandeur. This friend told me you changed your hairstyle, and I realised when I tried to picture it that I have, strangely, forgotten what you look like. I can't picture your face like I can Tomoe's, can't formulate the shape of your nose or mouth or where your moles and freckles were. I remember the colour of your eyes, as cliche as it sounds, but thats about it. How terrifying. How terrifying that someone I loved so dearly, someone who broke my heart so violently, can slip away into fuzziness after only a few years. And so you're sticking in my head these days.

It has gone past just the desire to have you see my glow-up. If I met you now... I think about doing things I know I would never actually do. Not really, I don't think. There IS no way to meet you, anyhow. I will not scrape through the dregs of our destroyed world looking for one. But the fantasies of what I MIGHT do, of what I secretly WANT to do, they change. And I think that still matters.

I would tell you I'm sorry I was cruel and stupid. I would explain to you as graciously and humbly as I could, with great humility, that I was volatile and aggressive and problematic towards you and Kate because I was in love with you and I just didn't realise. Losing you made me feel horribly unwanted and horribly unstable and horribly, horribly confused, and in that confusion I hurt myself and I hurt you both. And where Kate has forgiven me, you have not. You must have your reasons. But I still remembered the birthday card you made me for my 15th that reads 'I'm ever so happy you were born and I could never stop loving you'. You are perhaps not a very good person now, Sparrow. I hear you've hurt people and you've hurt yourself and you refuse to learn from your mistakes. I like to think I'm not as bad as you might be. So while I know you're objectively not a great person, I don't hate you. I still... A part of my heart is still forever yours. I can live without it, I can grow a new chunk to fill is place, but the piece of my heart that is yours remembers where it came from. It remembers me, and so it's inaccurate to say I stopped loving you entirely, point blank. And so I wonder if those childish words ring true. Can you hate me, as everyone says you do, and still love me as you once promised? To be honest, I don't really care. I'm some way, I'm glad for that - I have realised you and I will never be in love and get married and that is okay. I do fear nobody will ever love me like you did, but then I suppose you didn't really love me all the way. You didn't love me the way I loved you. But it felt like you did. It felt like something I've not known since then and I always fear I never will again. And I don't really have a remedy for that fear other than patience and faith. Those words are comforting enough, so I'll take stock in them.

But at the same time, its not all virtuous. In truth, I don't care if you'll never love me like you did because I don't need you to. But I don't need you to because if I had only one day with you, I could satiate myself with that. I am not as pure a creature as I should be, Sparrow. Are any of us? Probably. Maybe. Perhaps. We humans like to think big, have big grand moral plans for how to be perfect and healthy and squeaky-clean. We aim to be angels but we are only risen apes, filled with filth and sin and failure. When I was 15 I thought I was evil but I was just 15. Now I'm 18 and I think I'm perverted - am I? Or am I just 18?

One day and I'd beg you not to love me like I thought you did back then, but to love me the way I'm now desperate for from anyone. Your body, though it has changed in the years we've been apart, is still yours. Mine will still remember. You are comfortable, familiar, safe. You were once a safe enough place for me to put down a piece of my heart, so even if you've grown volatile and cruel, even if you would spit at me and call me pathetic, the body... the body remembers where the severed parts of it were once laid down to rest, to be warm. I want to have sex with you because I know you, or I knew what you were, and for one night I am capable of forgetting that you're not still like that anymore. I like being degraded so you can say whatever you like and use the sex as a means to try and hurt me. Until this moment I never considered that you might use it to try and hurt yourself, and now I have to think about whether THAT would deter me. Probably. Because I have enough self respect, just about, I think, to not actually do any of it. But god, I can imagine it. I can imagine crawling into your arms like I've arrived tired at the end of the universe, I can imagine you holding me like you couldn't back in quarantine, finally making me feel like I'm worthy of every type of love. You made me feel so worthy. Can you do this for me too? I feel like I'll be better after that, knowing that someone can desire me. But knowing it is still only you, that it has only ever been you, will in reality probably make me worse.

I yearn for what we had sometimes. I wake up with things to tell you. You'd love the new show I'm into and you'd love me loving it and I'd love you loving me love it and it felt so good to be in the love vortex when we were kids. We cannot go back there. Those days are gone and dead. And I can only look forward to someone LIKE you in my future. But Sparrow, I wish for you sometimes. My first love, that's what I call you. In truth, you were not. But you were the first one that hurt. Perhaps I shouldn't measure love by how much it hurts to lose but then again perhaps I should. After all, that is proof you were worth having, that losing you hurt so badly.

I would grovel at your feet, I would do anything. I don't care how evil and messy you get. If I close my eyes for one day, you could be my Sparrow again.

But I will never see you again and this is the only letter I will ever write you, and I'm not going to send it. I don't know your address, after all.

- Written June 18th, 2023.

[bearpillowmonster]

It's my birthday today, I had a mental breakdown in the middle of the week and cried myself to sleep. It was the first time in a while that I've cried but this one reached my core because I started to doubt just about everything, normally it's one thing or another and I can sort it but this time it was all. And really some of my worries came to fruition but I'm just hoping this year will get better.

I'm not getting a cake, by choice, I'll probably just snag my own in the middle of the week. I want to go to this dessert shop but it's suddenly this big ordeal with who should go and who shouldn't. I dont care who shows up, my family does because the more people, the more chaotic and less enjoyable it is because nobody gets along. In fact, I said "family" but it doesn't really add up to a family at all because they've created factions that want to celebrate separately, if at all, it's like being a kid with divorced parents all over again and no matter how many times I say it doesn't feel good to be treated that way, it always happens anyway. My mom even asked if she was ever to make a mistake whether I'd tell her and I just didn't answer and I said, it wouldn't make a difference because people will do what people do and I can count the times that exact thing has happened.

This year, it's my grandma buying a beachhouse for herself on my mom's birthday, my mom buying a cat for herself on my birthday, my sister trying to get a concert shirt for herself on my birthday. And todays not even up yet. I mean it's fine to do that on your own but it's funny to me that I got a cup and a pen for my own birthday 🤓 both for work.

I'm not mad or sad really, or even ungrateful, it's just that I feel I'm screaming into the null void when I talk, that's why birthdays and holidays have become so hard on me. I've even tried to raise my mom's birthday since she's sad about the beachhouse but she won't let me, she doesn't want a cake because her doctor told her she had high blood pressure. Her. She's like the most straight and narrow person I know, I told her that doctors sometimes tell you that just to give you pills, they've gotta. The only thing she wants to do is get a smoothie...and obviously buy this cat...

But the cat is from a breeder in a different country, who she's bought from before multiple times and half of them got sick and died from the same thing, why she'd go back and put herself through what she described as one of the most depressing times of her life, I don't know and she has more cats than she knows what to do with, I've actually lost count, I know it's higher than 15 like wtf. So here I am again, like I said, trying to tell her about mistakes and here she is, about to do it anyway. Ta-da. It's like my birthday is over before I even realized it started. Maybe something will happen, maybe it won't, I hesitated uploading this just for that reason but if it changes, I'll just update or make a new post. I'm recording my feelings.

[lovclyboncs]

Everything I Wanted (Todoroki x Reader) Soulmate Au

inspired by Everything I Wanted by Billie Eilish.

TW! Mentions of contemplated suicide and insecure thought that could be triggering.

soulmate Au! Where your soulmate tattoo appears on your wrist after you touch your soulmate for the first time.

F!reader x Todoroki

F!reader x Bakugou (brotp)

Plot: the reader is Todoroki’s soulmate, but he doesn’t want to let some mystical ink on his wrist dictate who he should love, so he rejects reader as his soulmate. This story is about how reader first reacted to the rejection and how slowly reader lets herself heal, but what the universe wants it will get.

Part two out now!

This is my very first post on here! I hope you guys enjoy!

I had a dream I got everything I wanted Not what you’d think And if I’m bein’ honest It might’ve been a nightmare To anyone who might care

Every night you’d wake up drenched in sweat, panting as you tried to calm your breathing, tears staining your rosy cheeks. Every night you had the same nightmare, you wished it was just your mind overthinking, but sadly it wasn’t. Even in your dreams you’d replay that memory in your head over and over again.

“ I’m sorry (y/l/n), but even if your name is tattooed on my wrist and even if fate says we are meant to be together, I can’t return your feelings. My heart belongs to another. I’m truly sorry if I’m not what you expected as a soulmate.” He told you with nothing but sincerity in his voice. The sad and hurtful truth. 

“I-It’s okay. I understand Todoroki-san. Don’t worry about me I’ll be fine” You said holding in the need to cry, and the need to let the crawling feeling in your throat free, to scream and yell how once again this world was nothing but cruel. 

He gave a slight nod of his head before walking away from you. His other half as written by the universe and written on your left wrist.

You looked down at the floor clenching your fists and look up once again to see him standing with the rest of the A-1 class who was chatting as they waited for class to resume. A lone tear raced down your face.

“I’ll be fine” You whispered to yourself.

‘I have to be’ you thought.

As a young girl all you ever did was fantasize about your soulmate. You thought it would  be a dream come true for you when you would finally get to meet them. You would get your happily ever after like in those princess tales you’d love to read before going to bed. You thought you’d have the perfect white picket fence life to look forward to. 

As a young foolish girl you thought life would be easy.

you didn’t know your parents were going to sacrifice their lives to save others.

you didn't know that you weren’t quirkless and that your parents had been using ‘vitamins’ to suppress your quirk because of how dangerous it was when your emotions went haywire.

you didn't know that it wouldn’t get better contrary to what your therapist would tell you.

you didn’t know that you weren’t going to make as many friends as you had hoped you would.

and what hurt the most was that you didn’t know your soulmate wasn’t going to be your knight in shining armor like you had hoped. 

Thought I could fly (fly) So I stepped off the Golden, mm Nobody cried (cried, cried, cried, cried) Nobody even noticed I saw them standing right there Kinda thought they might care (might care, might care) 

It had been a month since Todoroki rejected you as his soulmate. You thought you could've gotten over it  but as always it seemed like the universe wanted to punish you for just existing. You didn’t participate in class anymore, You made sure to cover your soulmate tattoo so that no one would accidentally look at it, you didn’t tare your gaze from the floor, you thought that  it wouldn't hurt as much if you didn't have to look at him, but then the rumors started spreading and then the rumors weren't so much of a rumor. 

“ Todoroki and Momo made it official!”

“ I knew they were soulmates, I mean just look at how perfect they look together.”

“ Did you see the picture Momo posted of their soulmate tattoos? I'm so jealous!”

It was all too much for you, so you ran and you ran until you found yourself on the rooftop of U.A. and you let the tears you were holding in fall. 

You let the monster crawling at your throat free, letting yourself scream, letting yourself voice the hurt you had been bottling up.

why weren't you good enough for anyone?

not good enough for your parents to live for, they would rather die for others than to live for you. 

not good enough for your classmates, they barley talked to you or invited you to places like they did with each other. 

not good enough for your soulmate to want you. hell he’d rather cover you up than let people know fate had chosen you for him, were you so disgusting that you weren't even worth mentioning as the soulmate he rejected?

“stop” you whispered to your thoughts.

“ please just stop” your voice sounded hoarse.

“I just wanted everything to stop. To end” you said louder to no one, because no one was there, because no one cared. 

you slowly walked towards the edge of the roof and looked down at the ground.

your eyes were void of anything, they looked empty.

shakily you put one foot out into the nothingness, into the only thing that could stop you from letting the pain overwhelm you. you closed your eyes ready to fly.

‘This world is so cruel and yet so beautiful’ you thought before letting your eyes snap open and gasping.

your eyes regained a light and tears began to swell once again, you let yourself fall backwards away from the edge of the building.

Yes the world was cruel and life wasn't fair, but it was also beautiful. there was still so much you wanted to experience, still so much that would be worthwhile. 

after sitting on the floor for what felt like hours, you heard the distance sound of the bell signaling the end of lunch. you slowly picked yourself of the ground and cleaned your tears with the sleeve of your uniform jacket. 

you made your way back to class 1-A. you were the last one to walk in, and some of your classmates glanced up at you, but they didn’t say anything about your puffy red eyes, they didn’t ask why you weren’t at lunch, they didn’t ask how your day was going so far, they didn’t ask if you were okay. 

because you were not okay.

you once again felt a heaviness in your chest. 

you thought they would care at least a bit, they were heroes in training after all, yet it seemed like they hadn’t even noticed.

they hadn’t even noticed your absence and maybe they didn’t mind it in the slightest. 

I had a dream I got everything I wanted But when I wake up, I see You with me

Maybe you were too wrapped up in your own mind or maybe you finally lost it, but for the life of you, you couldn’t figure out how you ended up like this. Eating spicy noodles quietly with your class’ very own lord explosion murder sitting across from you.

If you were to ask Bakugou why he demanded you have lunch with him, he’d say it was because your dumbass face was the only one he could stand enough to willingly share his homemade noodles with, and if you were to ask him why he was sharing noodles in the first place, he would tell you to shut the hell up and just eat without questioning him.

What Bakugou would never admit is that when he was roaming the school grounds during lunch two weeks ago he saw you standing at the very edge. He stood frozen in place, not sure of what he could do, but before he could will himself to move he saw how you feel backwards and out of his sight. He knew why he froze because he remembered a comment he made to deku before they entered U.A. He obviously didn’t mean it, but seeing you so willingly to just dive of a building made something in him feel guilt for making such an insensitive comment even if it was to deku.

He really didn’t know you well. He knew that he had never actually seen your quirk in action though probably more than half of the class could relate to that since you never really used it. He knew pretty much that he didn’t know you at all and that unsettled him. Sure he wasn’t the most sociable guy or easiest to approach, but he at least knew a couple of things about each of his classmates friends.

So he decided to pay more attention to you, he noticed how you really didn’t talk to any of your classmates and how they wouldn’t try to include you in their conversations. He noticed you always walked with your head down not really looking at where you were going. He noticed the bags under your eyes making themselves more prominent. He noticed how sometimes when you would space out in class you’d be staring at the back of the class where the half and half bastard would sit. He became aware of your being but he still didn’t know how to approach you.

The opportunity came after an awkward encounter.

Everyone (or so you thought) had gone out to who knows where and like always you hadn’t been invited. You decided to train for a little while. You had been slowly progressing with being able to control your quirk, but after your conversation with Todoroki you were back at square one. Your emotions were a train wreck making it hard to control your quirk. Becoming frustrated with yourself you decided to call it a day but since you were sweaty you went to take a shower first. You forgot to take your clothes with you, and since you were by yourself in the dorms you didn’t think it would be that big of a deal if you ran to your room. Midway there you bumped into a wall that wasn’t there this morning. You looked up and there was Bakugou looking down at you.

‘Oh shit I’m going to die’ you thought but then you saw Bakugou frown as he looked directly at your uncovered wrist.

‘Shouto Todoroki’ Bakugou narrowed his eyes. He finally understood why you had been acting more closed off than usual, and maybe if you had looked a little harder you wouldve seen the understanding in them.

“Sor-” you began to say but he cut you off

“get dressed and meet me in the kitchen” he said before walking away.

After that day things changed for you. Who knew eating noodles in silence with an angry blonde could set you on your path to healing?

Every time you saw them holding hands you didn't have enough time to let yourself question what you could have done for that to be you.

“hey dumbass hurry up or I’ll kill you” the red eye blonde would yell at you once he noticed you lagging behind. Making you forget about the black ink on your wrist and making you worry about how bakugou was going to react to you getting a C- on the test he spent a whole afternoon helping you study for.

And you say, “As long as I’m here, no one can hurt you Don’t wanna lie here, but you can learn to If I could change the way that you see yourself You wouldn’t wonder why you’re here, they don’t deserve you”

It was close to the end of the school year and if you were to say that much hadn’t changed you’d be lying. 

thanks to practing your quirk with bakugou and him suggesting meditation to help you stay calm you were finally able to control your quirk enough to use it without fear around others.

Through him you also became friends with the rest of the bakusquad and they helped you warm up to the others.

all the second guessing and the comparing yourself to others didn’t cross your mind often anymore. 

unbeknownst to you every time you peeled off the layers of insecuirty that held you back from expressing yourself bakugou would smile glad that you,just like him, could get passed the pain left by an unrequited soulmate bond.

also unbeknownst to you, as you began getting along with the rest of the class and opening up, he couldn’t help but be captivated by some of your quirks. How you would help the likes of denki study even when you weren’t better off yourself, how you were the only one who entertained Midoriya’s rambling and even added comentary.

He began to get to know you and he could see how the universe could’ve blessed him with a soulmate such as yourself. you were the complete opposite of what he was used to, the todoroki home wasn’t exactly the most affectionate.

He was seeing you bloom right before his eyes and all he could feel was guilt as he diverted his eyes to look at his left wrist.

‘Momo Yaoyorozu’

He softly caressed his thumb over the name and even with his soft touch the fake dark ink smuged.

He thought he had what he wanted.

He thought the universe had been wrong. 

He thought it was for the best.

but as he saw you bickering with bakugou he found himself wondering what he could’ve done for that to be him, for you to be open with him like that.

he knew he was wrong but he was too far in to fix it.

If I knew it all then would I do it again? Would I do it again?

lastly Todoroki knew that even if you found it in yourself to forgive him, he still wouldn’t deserve you. 

Thank you so much for reading this far if you did! I don’t know why I couldn’t get this out of my head and so here it is. Also I threw in an AOT reference to cope with the pain.

[daffodi1]

As a grey aro I kinda wanna talk abt something that bothers me, and that's about our community getting angry at those philosophical "love is the point" posts.

I get it, it can be frustrating to feel like you're having romance thrust down your throat if you're not interested in it or are repulsed by it. And maybe it isn't really my right to speak since I'm not that type-- I like romance, I just don't experience romantic attraction or differentiate it from platonic attraction.

But even if I didn't, and I wasn't interested in socializing at all or I didn't have any family or friends, there is love in every aspect of this world. When your cat sees you come home and runs to you at the door screaming, tail high in the air and quivering, that's love. When your doctor holds your hand and helps you do breathing exercises, or cracks jokes with you to cheer you up before a stressful procedure, even though they don't have to, that's love. When you see a piece of garbage on the grass in the city and decide to pick it up and throw it away, even though you could have ignored it, that's love. When you ask your server how they're hanging in there when you can tell they're visibly stressed and make a mental note not to be too demanding of them, that's love. When your online friends listen to you ramble with a smile about your favorite video game, or your rock collection, or your knowledge of different species of slime mold, that's love.

And I'm not saying that you *have* to be social, but all we living things have on this earth is each other. I'm not saying you have to kiss them or hug them or go on dates, but when people say "love is the point," they're saying "We have to care about each other, unconditionally, because on this giant rock in the middle of a glittering black void, we live together and have nowhere else to go and nobody else to remember us. And as long as we're alive, you have to care about other living things and choose to treat them as you'd want to be treated. You HAVE to."

[mrslittletall]

saw your whump post, honestly the "I'm fine" screams Hornet to me, so it'd be cool to see that! - dooblebugs

Title: The Idol Fandom: Hollow Knight Characters: Hornet & Little Ghost Word Count: 2.825 AO3-Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30941981

Summary: After the Hollow Knight is freed from the temple, Hornet does her best to take care of the ones that are still left in Hallownest. Everything should be fine... until it isn't.

(Author's note:  @dooblebugs

I thought about using canon verse with “Almost everyone lives AU” or your Mer AU. But ultimately, canon verse won, because I still miss some context for the Mer AU. I hope you enjoy.)

Hornet opened her eyes and jumped on her feet right away. Her day would always start with hunting and gathering food, preferably before Hollow woke up and tried to move, and it was a whole other problem trying to haul a bug their size back into bed, especially when they rigorously ignored their wounds.

While Hornet trusted Quirrel and Cloth enough to leave Hollow in their care for a while, she always felt better if she could look over them personally. However, the longer she hesitated with leaving, the longer she would need to come back, so Hornet left the house in Dirtmouth they had inhabited for Hollow's recovery and went towards the crossroads.

The little pitter-patter of tiny feet next to her prompted Hornet to look down. Ghost had decided to accompany her again. They always would. She could tell them a hundred times to stay behind, they would never listen. For a vessel meant to be void of mind, Ghost was one of the bugs with the strongest will that Hornet ever had seen.

“You will still come with me, even if I say no, right, little Ghost?”, Hornet said, shouldering her needle. Ghost didn't nod or sign at her, they simply stared, with their unblinking, never changing expression. It was enough for Hornet to know that they wouldn't leave.

“Alright, but don't get into my way.”, Hornet said. At this, Ghost swung their nail and jumped in front of Hornet in a pose that depicted a challenge, then their nail went down on the ground in a strike, the swing of it breaking through the calmness of the morning.

“I know! I know! You've beaten me twice, but... I have gone easy on you.”, Hornet half hissed. It was a blatant lie and she knew it. The first time she had simply underestimated them (or she simply had become tired of fighting) and the second time... she had given it her all and they still had remained victorious. In a sense, Ghost was the new king of Hallownest, but they didn't seem to put any mind on the title. They didn't even seem to be wanting to be celebrated for being the saviour of Hallownest. They simply joined Hornet every morning for hunting and went off on their own afterwards, always coming back to play with their friends in Dirtmouth.

As the both of them jumped down the well, Hornet couldn't help but think about that there wasn't much to rule anymore. This kingdom was in shambles. It had been two weeks and the dried off infection still crusted the crossroads, too little bugs alive to care much about cleaning the place up. It was becoming more and more difficult to get food, because so many of the infected had simply been reanimated husks, without any meat left in them.

They surely would have to wander to Greenpath again, hopefully finding a few vengeflies and mosscreeps to bring home.

Hornet was used being alone. She had been alone for a very long time. She had managed. She never was lonely... well, maybe a little lonely and now there was a bunch of strangers up in Dirtmouth who relied on her. Hornet never wanted for anyone to rely on her. She had seen what happened when bugs relied on someone and... there wasn't a solution.

She looked down on Ghost again, they had their nail on the ready and stared vigilantly in front of them. They must have crossed this crossroads a dozen times on their journey, still expecting to be attacked by the infected every given minute. Hornet could understand that it was hard for them to let go of old habits.

She was the same. She never let go of her needle as well. Even with the infection never being able to come back, she had to remain vigilant. She would protect her siblings, no matter what. She wouldn't, no she couldn't, let anyone down.

“We are nearing Greenpath.”, she said, only to cut through the silence between them. She knew it wasn't Ghost's fault that they didn't have a voice, but after years of not being able to talk to anyone, Hornet barely could stand the silence, when there was someone she could talk to. “Remember, when we hunt the mosscreeps, take their leaves as well, for the herbivores.”

While Hornet was able to eat plant matter as well, it never had been satisfying to her. She was the daughter of a spider and a wyrm, both predators, and therefore she usually would hunt for food. She was unsure about what kind of diet Ghost and Hollow needed, but they seemed to be content with the prey she brought back, so she wouldn't change anything about it.

“And remember, we can't hunt too much. The population needs a chance to recover.”, she said as well. The infection had done a number on the whole of Hallownest... it wasn't a surprise that there was such a food shortage. In fact, Hornet had cut her own food intake in favour of her siblings and anyone who couldn't hunt or still needed to recover. That bug, Tiso, came to mind. Had a far too big stomach for having been utterly destroyed by the colloseum of fools. Why Ghost had dragged him back to Dirthmouth, she would never understand.

Ghost showed that they understood with a little nod of their head and the both of them entered Greenpath. It was a MUCH nicer place without the infection, but they still had to pay attention, the fool eater plants were easy to overlook (not that Hornet had ever overlooked them, but Ghost tended to forget...) and there were some predators still around, though they were no match for her needle. The problem was to avoid them to not hunt too much. Like she had said to Ghost, they needed to give the population time to recover, if they wouldn't want all to starve beforehand.

“We get only enough for everyone back in Dirtmouth.”, Hornet said again. “Then we leave again. Let's search for some mosscreeps first.”

The both of them jumped and slashed their way through the vegetation of Greenpath. While Hornet preferred to use her needle, Ghost had found a lot of new ways to move around since the first time they fought and they dashed (literally leaving their shell behind and somehow phasing through time and space) and jumped with wings that reminded Hornet of her father... and she got a bad feeling in her guts every time she saw them.

After a bit of time, they had managed to hunt two vengeflies to bring back, Hornet keeping them cocooned up for transportation and were now searching through the vegetation for some mosscreeps. Finally, Hornet found one and struck it down with her needle, preparing a cocoon for it again, when Ghost picked something up from the grass.

“Ghost, what do you have there?”, Hornet asked. The item was too small to be prey and they tended to hoard stuff they found. It probably was just something that was completely worthless nowadays, only generating Geo when given to this historian in the City of Tears. She still wanted to know.

Ghost came over and laid the thing they had picked up in her outstretched hand. When she looked down on it, she froze.

It was a King's Idol, the item that the citizens of Hallownest had crafted to worship her reclusive father. Each of them looked different, but they all shared the general shape and depicted his most salient feature: The horns that resembled a crown.

Staring down at it, something in Hornet broke. It might have been the stress she felt since Ghost had arrived. Or the fact that Hollow recovered from years of abuse from both the gods of Hallownest. Or that she was running on an empty stomach most of the time. But once she saw that thing, all her frustration crashed down on her at once.

You!”, she hissed. “It was all your fault! You knew that the plan wouldn't work! You knew that they would suffer and you still have let it happen! The teacher, the watcher, my mother, all sacrificed for nothing! And then, in the moment you were needed the most, you vanished, you damn coward! We needed you! I needed you! I hate you. I hate you and I can't even say it to your face anymore!”

Hornet threw the king's idol on the ground with so much force that it skipped on the ground and then fell on her knees, slowly getting aware of the tears on her face and the presence of little ice cold hands patting her arm.

“I am fine.”, she said, wiping the tears away. Just a moment of weakness, nothing else. Even though she could feel the judgemental stare of Ghost, she was fine. She had to be. “Seriously, I am fine.”, she continued once more. “Let's continue hunting.”

As Hornet was putting her composure back together, she didn't notice how Ghost continued to stare at her, picking up the idol from the ground, and only starting to move again once she called out for them.

The hunt had been more or less successful. At least they had found enough prey that nobody should go terribly hungry (at least when Hornet halved her own portion again). As usual, hunting had taken the better part of the day. Hornet would have liked to go hunt at some different locations, but the Old Stag from the stag ways wasn't around lately, apparently he was taking care of some personal business. With him not being around, it was just too far to walk to the Fungal Wastes or Deepnest, at least not when she wanted to come back the same day.

Currently Hornet took in her meal in Hollow's room with Ghost present as well. She was busy thinking about if there was another route that would make sure she could hunt elsewhere but Greenpath for once, when she felt a nudge. When she looked down, she saw how Ghost offered them a half of their mosscreep, holding the prey up in their little hands, seemingly eagerly awaiting for her to take it.

“I can't take this, Ghost.”, Hornet said. “You need all the food you can get, you are still growing.”

Ghost cocked their head and for once their eternal deadpan expression was on point. Hornet knew how ridiculous her argument was. Ghost had been born before her. They hadn't grown in years. Their body had been unable to grow because they didn't had access to void. “You know what I mean.”, she defended herself. There was the possibility that Ghost would start to grow as long as they stayed in Hallownest.

Ghost offered their meal a little while longer and then gave up with a little frustrated stomp of their foot. It was then when Hornet felt another nudge... this time it was Hollow, who had simply watched the scene unfold in front of them, offering their part of their meal.

“Oh no, not you too, Hollow.”, Hornet sighed. “You need the food much more than me, you are still recovering. I won't accept anything from you.”

The both vessels shared a look and once again Hornet asked herself if they could talk to each with some kind of void telepathy, before both of them looked at the ground in defeat.

“I am fine.”, Hornet repeated herself, she knew that. “Really, I am fine...”

Hornet awoke the next morning... not because her stomach cramped and she had trouble sleeping because of it, but because someone nudged her. She cracked one eye open and murmured: “It's barely morning...” She just craved to go back to sleep, to forget about the day in front of her for a few minutes longer, but the nudging got more and more intense, until she shouted: “Fine! I am getting up! Stop bothering me!”

It was Ghost in front of her and immediately Hornet stopped being annoyed. What if something had happened? “Is something the matter with Hollow? Or is a threat approaching the village?”, she asked, already fumbling for her needle, once again forgetting that Ghost was more than capable of defending the village themselves. They just looked too much like a little, defenseless child, even though Hornet had experienced otherwise.

Gladly, Ghost shook their head, though this put Hornet right back into annoyance. “Then why have you woken me up?”, she said, falling back down in her pillows, ignoring the urge to close her eyes and looking at Ghost again, making sure to give them a judgemental stare.

Ghost did grip something under their cloak (wings? Hornet never knew what this thing around the vessels was) and after a bit of struggling, they produced a jar... a jar filled with honey. The smell actually made Hornet's mouth water. Honey was one of the few things she liked to eat that wasn't meat, mostly because she had trained in the Hive in her youth.

Though, as lucky as she felt about having more food, she couldn't help but scold Ghost. “Ghost, did you get this on your own? The Hive is dangerous, even without the infection! What if the Hive Knight would have found you?”

Ghost shook their head and then outstretched their hand, showing Hornet a shiny little charm. A charm she remembered. The charm of the Hive. “Wait, you have been there and challenged him already?” Hornet wanted to be surprised, but Ghost couldn't really surprise her anymore. When they could surprise her somehow, then it was that they were full of surprises.

“Anyway... I guess I have to thank you, though I don't approve that you sneak out at night into the Hive.”, Hornet murmured. “At least we have more food for the group now..”

Ghost rigorously shook their head and pressed the jar in her hands. “For me?”, Hornet asked and Ghost nodded.

“But... Ghost, I appreciate it, but I don't need.. the others need the food much more than...”

Another shook of their head and a stomp of their foot along with crossed arms and a slight turn around. Hornet suddenly felt very small, she had never seen them that upset.

“Alright, alright...”, she said. “Maybe I have eaten insufficient lately...”

Ghost nodded again and gave the jar of honey another press, so that she had to hold it firmly in her hands.

“Alright alright...”, Hornet finally gave in. “I will take your offer, Ghost.”

As she opened the jar, her hunger became more and more apparent and soon she dug in and had finished the whole jar in what felt like no time and finally, for once, she didn't feel overly hungry. Satisfied even.

She then saw Ghost holding up something. A little rock with a few letters written on it. Lately Cornifer had given them writing lessons, though it still was a work in progress.

“Fine?”

That was the word they had painted on the rock (where did they even have the colours from?).

“I am fine.”, Hornet said. “This time for real. I am sorry, Ghost, I shouldn't have lied to you. I just feel so... responsible for everyone. I can't show weakness in front of anyone.”

Ghost shook their head again and then got something out. Hornet recognized it as the King's Idol they had found in Greenpath. They tossed it at the ground, just as she had done and then hit it with their nail, leaving a notable crack in it.

“You as well don't have the best memories of him, right?”, Hornet said. Both of them had been left behind, though in a different kind of way. Ghost had been discarded and Hornet had been left with responsibility far too huge for her age.

Ghost nodded again and gave the King's Idol another smack, so that it landed in front of her. Hornet took it into her hands and stared at it. She did miss him, that she had to admit to herself, but she also knew that her anger and her disappointment were real and there was no reason to hide it in front of Ghost.

She squeezed the Idol until it cracked into two pieces and just watched as they fell down. “Thank you, Ghost.”, she said. “But make sure to not tell Hollow about this.”

The way Hollow idealized their father... it would break their heart seeing his image being defiled like that.

Another quick nod and then Ghost actually got another one out, their face clearly saying: “Wanna break another?”

A grin crept over Hornet's face. She would never get her mother back or escape her responsibilities, but at least she could vent out her frustrations, even though it took her sibling for her to realize.

“Oh you bet I want.” (Author's note: Little Ghost is kinda fun to write. I think they are a character mostly showing what they feel through body language and it was fun to come up with how they would act. I also like to think that they can stare very judgemental, even though their expression never changes, a stare of them can make anyone falter. Hornet's relationship to PK is... complicated. He hasn't actually been a bad father to her, but as the infection came back and depression took over, he left her alone more and more and she got angry about it... especially when he decided to just vanish. She felt utterly betrayed by it and it is a huge source of her frustration and anger. I put in some little references to the game in there, try to find them if you please.)

[ricaffeine]

𝐇𝐨𝐭𝐞𝐥 𝐌𝐨𝐨𝐧 𝐋𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭 | 𝐎𝐧𝐞

an: i'm sad because of hyunji drought and this is helping me cope :( but fr if tvn decides to make hotel blue moon then yeaji needs to be in it!!

also very annoying, i can't reply to comments bc this is a side blog (bruh wtf tumblr, i'm so sad should i make a new one?) reblog if you feel like it and my asks are open if you wanna chat 🖤✨

CHAPTER TWO

Weekdays at Seoul's National art gallery were usually the same. Buzzing curators dealing with hot-tempered clients. One thing or another was typically going not right and art directors cried about their wrong coffee order.

Although today was not the usual as to the crowds of bubbly news reporters and dazzled art critiques swarming up the wide place. As to Munyeong on the other hand, she was not pleased to the slightest.

"Just smile at the cameras, don't forget about the paycheck you're getting today." Sangin repeated himself for the fifth time. "Don't cause a scene, just think about the money."

Ah right. The paycheck.

As to The Nightmare Garden was bid off for over ten-million dollars, all of today's fanciness was dedicated to her, nation's celebrated female illustrator. However in all honesty, Munyeong barely liked her so-called masterpiece, but considering the amount of cash it will make her, she could be appreciative for the sake of it.

Behind her oversized sunglasses, Munyeong glared at her pesky manager– if looks could kill, he'd already be eleven feet under his grave. Sangin shut his mouth.

"Let's just get this over with," she simply responded, hooking off her eyewear then strutted into the hall with her long legs. Eyes whipped at her and cameras started to flash intensely, almost blinding her and Munyeong wondered how much those little pests could afford her if they got her blind.

And so the event played on. More pictures were taken– as if they hadn't blind her enough cheerful compliments flowed along with the spring breeze. The insincere joker smile she mastered whilst she met her million-dollar client– according to Sangin a hotel owner, though the woman did not have the looks for it– and the glass of filthy wine she almost had a chance to taste if Sangin's sixth sense was not so creepily fast.

Another dreadful two hours later as the dusk had set, hitting the edges with its golden flare, everyone had left. They got their articles and Munyeong will certainly be getting her pools of cash.

To her displease Sangin had informed her to wait as he had to take care of some paperworks she doubted he went to bribe the press into censoring her quoted inappropriate words. 

Nevertheless it was not her bother. She gave his plead a second before storming off to the complimentary section of the building.

Luck on her side, for nobody was there and she was able to grab one of the wine bottles with her– as for a fact it definitely was not stealing.

"Don't be shy, I know you want it."

Munyeong stopped within her steps as soon as an obnoxiously familiar voice echoed from the gallery she previously was in. Curiosity taking the lead, she peaked through the corner and had to muffle her own snort. Stood there, nation's art historian with the sharpest tongue– Choi Seojin.

She finds it hard to believe that his articles are highly known around, or even relevant, when his mouth is full of complete shit. However not disregarding the nastiest tea yet– a frightened girl seized under him. Her hands were locked, frightened eyes grew larger as the man spewed out nasty things.

Instantly, she took out her phone to film the disgraceful scene. Munyeong grinned to herself, reminiscing the rage she felt last time when he mentioned about her mother, and how her irritating manager had interrupted her before she could've sent him down the stairs to Satan.

The man reared into the poor girl's cheek when she attempted to fight him off, and Munyeong's smile dropped.

That piece of shit.

Munyeong entered the room, arms crossed, head high. Her wedge heels clicked against the hardwood as she let out an unamused wow.

Mad dog– what she personally thinks he should be called– 's head whipped at her with wide eyes. Like a child getting caught of lying.

"Oh my. Your hobbies are quite interesting Mr. Choi. Talking shit and sexual harassment?" Munyeong spat. "The girl looks like she'd rather kill herself, why are you even trying?"

As if he thought he could get away with what he just did, mad dog released his foul grip on the girl. Munyeong clicked her tongue and tauntingly held out her phone.

"Oh no, don't bother pretending. Judging by the looks, that won't even favor you at this point." She spared a glance at the quivering girl. "Why are you waiting? Go."

Shakingly and with thankful eyes she nodded and left, her footsteps filling void of silence before it coated the air again.

Mad dog snickered, as if there was something to laugh about. "Don't mess with me Ms. Ko. You know me, I won't die alone."

"Certainly I'll drag you and Mr. Lee down with me. Why do you think they call me the suicide bomb?"

Munyeong walked towards him and spreaded a smile, though even dogs could tell you shouldn't push her further. "You mean the bastard you can't fall down without dragging everyone else with him? Why?"

"I can destroy your career with the tip of my pen, I'm sure you know." He gave her a look, panning out his hand. "Now if you hand me your phone, I think we can compromise something."

Munyeong unraveled her arms, eyes hardening at his next sentence. "You think so?"

"Nation's beloved artist turned out to have antisocial personality disorder. What do you think will happen when people find out?" Mad dog sneered. "Her mother who mysteriously commited suicide–"

"Shut up." She warned. His words lit up the flame from their last encounter, adding fuel to her burning fire. Her head pounded, hard. For a moment she had hoped that if he proceeded as she said, then things would not have to get ugly.

"And her father? Spending his last days in the psychiatric hospital."

But men never listen, do they?

Munyeong tightened the hand around her bottle and striked it at him with full force. The bottom part crashed the wall behind him– just above the hung painting- glass shattered as rich burgundy stained its way down, smearing all over. Its taste fused with the air and Munyeong glowered at the creature who dodged her flawless aim.

"You crazy bitch!" He yelled, scrambled on the floor. But Mad dog was quick to lunge at her, they both hit the ground, stumbling as her open purse had been knocked away– and Munyeong's eyes landed on something very specific.

She was quicker, getting on her feet and spared the bastard a strong kick in the groin, leaving him groaning as she reached for her pen.

Her favorite calligraphy pen– its lining was stunning, coated in shiny teal with hints of gold, but most importantly, the dangerously sharp tip. The way it writes like reaping out blood from your hand– hence why it is a favorite.

She hawled back over and he screamed at her, though she didn't hear him. Her head was light as she felt blood rushed through her veins. Munyeong raised her arm and struck it back down.

Die.

Both of them froze. No, not her and mad dog, but him.

Deafening silence had lied between the walls and there they stood, eyes pierced into another's souls. Hers burned like fire, but his were dignified like the deep ocean.

Droplets of blood trickled down his forearm and splattered the floor, staining the rolled up sleeves of his crisp white shirt. What a waste.

"Let go. You can't kill him." The man– still with a bloody pen graved in his palm said.

Munyeong couldn't help but scoff, especially after that fucking bastard had just strangled her. "Don't be dramatic. I was just going to give him a few scratches."

Well maybe that's not entirely true.

Rough scrambling erupted underneath them, but when Munyeong turned to look, the mad dog had just ran off, like a lost puppy. Angrily she bit her lip, close to drawing blood until she felt the man draw his own hand back.

She watched as he did. The way he carefully slid her pen into his jacket and brought out a black silk handkerchief. Very rarely, she'd be astonished by something, and now it's him. Though she found it quite difficult to understand him– since when do you interrupt another's stabbing session by screwing up your own hand instead, and also the audacity to tell her she could not stab somebody?

So lost in her thoughts it took her a few seconds to realize her pulse was not pounding anymore.

"Did anyone not tell you that it is basic etiquette to not pry into someone else's business?" Munyeong said– seized the napkin from him, and began to tie a knot. She shot him a glance.

No reply. The man simply stared at her.

"Hmm?" She raised a brow, amused at his slight flinch when she tugged a little harder.

"Don't stress it too much, my manager will take care of our little incident." Munyeong chuckled as he proceeded to ignore her. "Do you know what? There are a lot of people in this world who deserve to die. And some very thoughtful freaks secretly take care of that, so clueless humans can sleep peacefully at night, completely unaware. Which one do you think I am?"

She dropped his hand, anticipating for his answer. Flares of light shined through the blinds, sharpening at his strong features and she noted his small– yet devilish smile.

"A clueless freak."

He finally responded, leaning towards her. His eyes traced her face, gazing down at her lips for a second too long, before their eyes were locked once again. "And of course you will have to pay, but at what price?"

taglist -> i could not tag some of ya'll :( @anotherdush @callmeashipper @ourcoffeeaddictme @nothingcreativeyet @pancat @hotstuff-benswolo @lookingatthesunset @evielovesfood @waywarm @gloster @hello-79 @ailander

[marshmallowprotection]

would you consider writing more x reader fics? i love your hcs i know you mostly write about your ocs.. so i just 'd ask! i don't mean to sound rude i'm very sorry if it comes off that way

I mean, it’s not rude to ask if I’d be interested in writing more X Readers. It’s just about tone because... a lot of people can be really entitled and demand that any writer write things that they want instead of things that the writer wants. Because Fanfiction Writers owe you nothing. We share our works for free, and you can go and read them, or you can not read them. 

It’s free, it’s done in our own time, and we do it for ourselves. I’m not targeting you about this, so don’t think that I’m scolding you, I’m just saying as a general theme that a writer doesn’t have to write or share anything. I spent years just writing for myself until I started sharing my ideas, HCs, and whatnot on the web with others. 

A writer should be writing for what makes them happy, and if I were to constantly write Canon x Reader all the time instead of, you know, writing what actually does make me happy, I wouldn’t be happy and it would reflect in my work with no doubt. I’ve got Canon x Reader stories on my AO3. There are quite a few of them that I’ve done for Commission and a few that I’ve done for free. You just have to search for them.

Sure, if I wrote more Canon x Reader fics, I might be getting a lot more views and feedback, but would I be happy? Hard to say. I love writing for you guys and I love writing for me. I don’t have to do this. I don’t have to write as much as I do for everyone. I could literally just start writing for my OCs all the time without a care if I wanted. But, I like being able to help you guys smile on a bad day by writing imagines and stuff. 

I mean, I have Canon x Reader fics. But, let me tell you. They hardly got reviews whatsoever. If I’m writing a story and I’m not getting feedback, it just shows me nothing. For example, my most recent Saeran x Reader fic that I completed a while back, Calluna. 

It’s 60K.  It has 64 comments. You know half of those little comments are me responding to maybe 2-3 people that commented consistently on my story? It took me roughly four months to finish since I updated once a week.

I’m not saying I’m demanding feedback. I’m fine writing and not hearing anything but it kind of feels... 

This is a problem with Tumblr too these days, people don’t reblog things if they like it, or they feel like they can only like a post instead of reblogging it or letting the author know that they enjoyed it. It’s kind of like screaming into the void and not hearing anything. Don’t get me wrong, I would never stop writing but I’ve got a lot of Ghost Readers and not a lot of people telling me anything. 

How am I supposed to know that anyone wants to read more Canon x Reader from me if I’m not hearing it? It just doesn’t motivate me. At least with my OC x Canon fics, I know that I’m writing it for myself and it makes me happy, and I get that out of it. When I don’t get feedback, I have no way of knowing if I’ve made a positive experience with anyone. 

Do you wanna know the best way to motivate an author? Reblog their work, leave an ask, leave a review, tell them that you love what they do and you wish to see more and you’ll see more. Because nothing gives me more serotonin than knowing that I made someone happy. I can’t know that if nobody telling me about how they feel. I’m not upset or anything, I know that I’m lucky to have an audience that is willing to listen to me. 

It’s just, why should I write more Canon x Reader long-form fics if I’m not hearing feedback? You want to see them? Review those stories that have Reader Insert on them and let me know that you enjoy them. Or just send me a flippin’ ask now and again to let me know you support me and you’d love to see my ideas played out. 

I’ve got a lot of Canon x Reader ideas, but if I’m not hearing anything, how do I know you even want them? At least, I know that I want my OC x Canon stories all day long. Oh, boy, oh yikes. See, I’m babbling. Listen, just be kind to your authors. We don’t owe anything to anyone and we’re doing this for free. If you want to support us, reblog our work, leave reviews, and support us. 

[sirianisrock]

"I'll always come back to you"

Okay I wanted to write this as a little gift to a special person I met like,a month ago in here. She's the kind of friend everyone should have in its life,I love her so much and she'd been here for me in some of my hard moments. This is the first real fiction I write,it's not that good of course but I tried my best.

This is for you baby @nothing-but-a-comedy

Summary : After escaping from Arkham Asylum,the first thing that crosses Joker's mind is his kitten. He's gonna come back to remind her who she still belongs to.

Warnings : Smut, poor English since it's not my first language (sorry),a little long maybe, this is Heath Ledger's Joker.

It's been 3 weeks.

Batman took Mr.J away from you 3 long weeks ago. You've been crying so much,you thought you could never see him again..how would you live now? What could you do to help him out of that fucking prison?

You could do nothing but cry,and the thought of him not being there with the person he loved the most was consuming you.

Your days were now even longer than usual,there was nothing and no one waiting home for you after work,no one to dedicate your life to,nothing that kept you sane anymore.

"..Will I go crazy?" You asked yourself while tears kept running down your red cheeks; you were sitting on the couch of your and Joker's shared apartment,looking at emptiness while drowning in your own thoughts,in the silence of the living room. There was only a little weak lamp on,that made enough light for you to not be in total dark. You felt so exposed,unprotected and cold without Joker by your side..you were now so used to him (even when he was out till late night) that you couldn't imagine your life without him anymore at this point. In his craziness,he kept you sane,alive. He made you feel loved and worth like nobody else did in your life,even if he never was the most sweet and affectionate person..but he always tried to,for you,his kitten.

You were so lost in your thoughts that you didn't bother switching on the tv. That prevented you to see the news: "..some patients escaped the Arkham Asylum after a big unkown explosion a few hours ago. Most of them were threatened by the police but some even more dangerous escaped and are now free in Gotham,The Joker included.."

You decided to stay on the sofa,too weak to get up and go to bed,so you leaned down,head resting on a pillow and eyes fixing the void.

It was 1am. Your eyes were heavy and red from the unstopped crying you had and all the tiredness that affected your body. Since your lover was taken away,you couldn't sleep properly,if you were lucky you slept a few hours every night,your mind too busy thinking of him.

Suddenly something took your attention: you heard footsteps in the hallway behind the walls of your apartment. They were slow,heavy..and they stopped right in front of your door. You sat up slowly, able to see the shadow of the person standing behind it from below the door. Was someone trying to break in?

The thought of it made you shiver in fear,knowing that this time no one was here to protect you. You were so scared you could only stay still and wait for something to happen.

Bang! A crash made the door wide open loudly and you jumped in fear,standing up next to the couch shaking as a leaf.

The sound of a chuckle.

"Did my kitten miss me?"

Joker was standing at the entrance of the apartment,looking straight at you. You were so shocked that you couldn't get the words out of your mouth,but tears started coming out of your eyes again in happiness realising the man you loved so much was here. He saw your still scared eyes,so,after closing the door,he came closer,just a few feet from you; he could read in them all the pain that tortured your soul all these weeks he was away. He put a hand on your cheek,swiping away some hot tears.

You hugged him so tight that you feared of breaking some of his bones but you couldn't help yourself,it seemed like a dream.

"I..I missed you so much..I thought I lost you forever..I tried to think of a way t-to take you back but I couldn't and I'm so sorry..I thought I was going craz-"

Joker didn't let you finish the sentence that his rough but sweet lips crashed on yours,taking your breath away.

"Daddy's here now baby.I will take care of you the proper way cause uhh..I know you missed me as much as I did,doll"

His words made you blush and feel hot,you were so starved from him that just his deep and rusky voice would be enough to make you cum in your pants.

He took your hand and guided you to the bedroom.

"Sit down baby" he ordered,and you obeyed him sitting on the edge of the bed.

He took off his long purple coat and put it aside,heavy from the granades and blades inside of it.

He sat right next to your trembling body.

"Did ya really think I would forget of my good girl,huh? That I would leave that Bat tear us apart..mm?"

Joker took his gloves off,his bare hands going slowly up your body,from your hips to you neck,stopping there.

He came closer to you ear,growling.

"I missed my little kitten so much..ya know? I couldn't wait to come home to you,eat that sweet pussy of yours and fuck you so hard that all Gotham would hear your screams.."

A shiver ran down your spine and hotness started to form between your legs. His voice was the most erotic thing you ever heard in your entire life right now.

"What are you waiting for then..daddy?" Your words came out so low and trembling that you thought he didn't even hear you. But he did.

He laughed at your sauciness. "Naughty girl..ya can't wait for your daddy to raw you,don't ya?"

You nodded eagerly without even thinking,his hands leaving your body.

"Lie down,take your pants off and spread those beautiful legs for me,doll"

You did has he asked,while he put on again his purple leather gloves,his dark eyes following every your movement.

As you shyly spreaded your legs,your panties were so soaked that it was impossible for him not to notice.

An evil smirk ran through his face,while he came down between your legs.

"My my..looks like someone really missed me,isn't it?

Your breath was becoming heavy,you needed him so much you almost couldn't handle it.

His gloved hands took the panties down your legs,throwing them to the floor.

Before you could even see it,he attached his mouth to your wet pussy,sucking and licking your juices like a starved animal. You screamed and moaned in pleasure,grabbing his hair for support while electricity ran down your body.

Joker was enjoying it as much as you,you felt his moans over your sensitive clit with every lick he gave you. As if this wasn't enough,with his right gloved hand he put two fingers roughly inside you,moving them in and out,in..and out. Your orgasm approached quickly, you felt yourself losing it when he said "Cum on daddy's mouth baby,let me taste your sweetness.."

With that,you came moaning around his fingers and tongue,almost breathless from how hard your climax hit you.

With the smirk still on his face,his makeup was all messy,mixed with your juices all over his mouth and nose. Joker got up and slowly unzipped his pants,taking his underwear down enough for his cock to come out. He was as hard as wood,your mouth salivated.

"Come here doll,don't ya want to taste daddy too?"

As soon as you sat back down on the bed,he grabbed the hair on the back of your head in a fist and pushed you down his hard dick.

You took all of him in your mouth,you could taste the precum already dripping from it while you sucked his manhood hard.

His face contorted,throwing his head back in pleasure as he started trusting in your throat faster. His moans filled the apartment's bedroom,turning you on even more than before. You were almost choking on him,when you heard a loud groan come from the inside of his own throat and suddenly,hot liquid filled your mouth,coming down from your chin.

He pulled out,grabbing your jaw with one hand. "Swallow."

With a loud "gulp" you swallowed his juice,looking up at him. He had a proud look on his face as he helped you up from the floor.

"Such a good little girl"

Joker lifted your shirt and undid your bra. He then grabbed both of your wrists and pulled you back down on the bed,tying them tight so you couldn't move anymore.

"Now now kitten..time to play"

A little laugh escaping his lips. He started undressing too,removing totally his bottoms,then the vest,suspenders and his shirt for last. He approached you slowly on the bed,his face close to yours started kissing your jaw,down your neck,leaving bites and purple marks on your body.

You arched your back in pleasure,as he whispered in your ear "Your are Mine..only mine baby. Never forget that"

You couldn't answer,so needy you were for him.

He kept biting that sensitive spot of yours below your jaw,making you see stars.

He touched your breasts,hands still gloved,going down on your hard nipples. He took them in his mouth,licking and sucking them both; you were in ecstasy,calling his name over and over.

"Fuck J..fuck" was all you were able to say.

One of his big hands came down your pussy,stimulating your clit once again.

Your pussy was still sensitive from your earlier orgasm,so it didn't take long for you to be on the edge. When Joker felt you tighten on his fingers,he removed them.

With a disappointed face,you looked down at him. "J w-why did you stop..?I was so close..!"

The smirk on his face never left him.

"Baby, we got all night long to make up for uhh..for the time we lost",he licked his red lips.

You were panting,as he started again fingering you with those purple gloves. While one hand stayed occupied inside your pussy,the other one held a blade; he moved it down your jaw,around your nipples and breasts and down your belly..the blade was cold and the contact with your hot skin gave you goosebumps.

He kept edging you for a good hour. You were sweating,heavy breath,wet as never in your life and almost exhaust.

"You see baby..uhh you are lucky ya know? Cause daddy needs you too,so I'm gonna give you what you..(licks his lips) what you need"

Joker finally untied you,freeing your wrists.

"Turn around doll,show me that pretty ass"

Slowly you turned around,now on all four on the bed. He grabbed your ass cheeks and slapped them,the leather of the gloves hard on your skin,made you whimper.

You couldn't see him,but you felt the sound of his skin while with one hand he stroked himself.

"Ya ready for daddy's cock baby,hmm?"

You nodded,but that wasn't enough for him.

Grabbing your hair making you tilt your head back, he whispered in your ear "I want you to say it loud"

"I'm-i'm ready f-for your cock,daddy"

Satisfied with your response,he bit your earlobe,his breath next to your ear gave you goosebumps.

"Good girl..Now stay still while daddy puts his cock inside your little pussy"

The head of his dick teased your entrance,using your juices to lubricate it.

Then slowly,he entered you. Your walls clenched around him,adjusting to his lenght.

"Fuck..my naughty girl sure has a tight pussy".

You both let out a moan while he started trusting roughly inside you,keeping a steady and fast pace.

You held tight the bed sheets while he held your hips in place so strong,there would for sure be bruises on them later.

The sounds he was making,growling in pleasure while fucking you hard,made you closer and closer to your second orgasm of the night.

You were both panting,and you felt Joker was close too while his dick kept pushing deep inside you,hitting that sweet spot over and over again.

"Cum doll..your pussy is so tight,I know you are close. Cum for me you little slut"

Those were the magic words that made you release around his cock.

Feeling your cunt stretching around him,he came seconds later,collapsing on your back.

Joker waited for his breath to come back before pulling out and laying down next to you. You collapsed too,your head on his sweatie chest,still out of breath.

"I missed you so much J..I didn't know what to do without you.. "

Your eyes had tears in them,thinking back of when he wasn't there with you and you were alone for so long.

He saw the sadness in them,and gently held your chin up to make you look at him in the eyes.

"I missed you too baby,so so much. But now I'm here with ya and I'm not leaving." A little smile from the corners of his scars made your heart melt,giving him a sweet kiss on the mouth.

"I'll always come back home to you kitten,no matter what."

I hope this is not the worst thing you guys read,I tried my best I swear

[misanthropiczombie]

I posted 2,126 times in 2021

19 posts created (1%)

2107 posts reblogged (99%)

For every post I created, I reblogged 110.9 posts.

I added 26 tags in 2021

#bts in the wild - 6 posts

#cr spoilers - 4 posts

#gender - 2 posts

#gender queer - 2 posts

#bts - 2 posts

#chronic pain - 2 posts

#huh - 2 posts

#laudna - 2 posts

#agender - 2 posts

#genderfluid - 2 posts

Longest Tag: 140 characters

#also playing the what game but then physically feeling your brain reprocess what it missed and replying in the middle of them repeating game

My Top Posts in 2021

#5

Note to self: next time design something a bit more simple for cross stitch project.

2 notes • Posted 2021-03-13 19:34:47 GMT

#4

So the live action bebop is... surprisingly okay??

Like the first episode is TRASH and I'm pretty sure was a pitch pilot they just did not have the time/money to re shoot, but after that they do actually hit some stride and the quality, writing, and acting gets waaaaay better.

Also Vicious looks like a Discount Witcher, and that alone is worth watching it for because I mad laugh every time he pops up

2 notes • Posted 2021-11-23 06:16:33 GMT

#3

When tumblr decides to refresh itself and put me back at the top of my feed, it's time to do literally anything else

3 notes • Posted 2021-03-03 04:46:11 GMT

#2

What do you do with complicated, contradictory feelings?

For the tldr of my life and a bit of the family drama, my dad essentially disowned or went no contact with everyone but me and a cousin, for reasons which I feel like were..... kind of shitty. Regardless, his decision to make and provided I wasn't roped in to the constant bitching, whatever.

But the thing is, I was still extremely close to my grandparents. They practically raised me in the summers when I was growing up (bc dad couod not be bothered). They had thier faults, but goddammit they were still important to me.

When my grandmother died, I called my dad crying to tell him, since nobody else was going to, and I asked him to come to the funeral because that was the first big loss in my life and I needed my dad. He didn't come. He didn't even tell me he was going to bail. Regardless of thier relationship, I needed him and he failed me in every way possible.

When my aunt died last year he texted me to tell me, and then left me holding the bag to call and tell thier other sibling the news, because he wasn't talking to her for whatever reason.

Now my grandfather has passed, and he once again texted me about it, which, hm. But he's also now saying he's going to, definitively, come to the funeral. And on one hand I am so, so angry. Why couldn't he have come earlier. My grandfather never forgave him for cutting and running, and my grandma always would have dropped everything to have him back. Is it spite? Is it some sense of growth? I asked neutrally because regardless of all of the drama, he deserves the chance to say good bye. Regardless of our fraught relationship. I'm glad he's going for that sake. I'm glad he's stepping up. I want him there, but I'm also still so angry and I don't know how to reconcile these thoughts. Very little of this is my drama.

I don't know why everyone stopped talking in full, and frankly I don't really care. They're all adults and I will forever be the child or the niece or granddaughter and I want no part in however fucked up those dynamics have become. I've got separate drama with my dad, because he's made some shit moves in his life, and I'll probably never fully be over them or fully forgive, but with time I have mostly moved past.

My husband thinks I should go no-contact, but I don't really want to. I have some foolish hope I have carried over my whole life that maybe once he'll pull through. Maybe once he'll step up to the plate. He's always been kind of generally shitty in the misguided sense, and has only ever been particularly maliciously shitty once (which is perhaps a story for another time if I need to scream it into the void, rather than vent at the people around me when the topic arises). I don't know.

I'm stuck in this awful ambiguous middle ground emotionally and I have no clue how to begin sorting through these feelings. Maybe I never will. In a year it will go down as a sour footnote in a fraught relationship, with no real clear answers. The feelings are valid, but fuck if I know what to do with them.

3 notes • Posted 2021-08-15 17:08:09 GMT

#1

I know agender, gender fluid, and gender queer all exist for me to use, but consider: gendershrug.

24 notes • Posted 2021-04-04 08:55:32 GMT

Get your Tumblr 2021 Year in Review →

[onigiriformisumi]

but you love me, right?

(cheater!banri x reader)

genre:angst all the way bro

warning:none really, a bit of swearing? not a lot though.

summary:you were out shopping with friends, smiling, laughing and happy, not until you saw your boyfriend having his lips all over another woman who was clearly not you.

a/n: i'm new to this writing stuff so if it's a bit cringy please bear with it. i'll take criticisms tho, i wanna get better

...

it was a year and a few months since you started to date banri. a few months ever since that confession underneath the cherry blossom tree. as cliché as it is, you decided to confess to him underneath that pink tree behind the school building. you believed in that stupid school rumor that if you confessed in that place and your love decides to accept your feelings, you will love each other for the rest of your life. but if that was true, why were you seeing 𝙩𝙝𝙞𝙨? he accepted your feelings underneath that damned tree so why is your vision blurring out as you watch your lover, 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 banri showering another girl with his kisses and affection. a girl who wasn't you. you stood there, frozen, not knowing what to do. he hasn't seen you yet so it would be nice to just turn around, run, forget about it, act like you didn't see anything and continue with your life with banri. he didn't act cold whenever he was with you, he never showed signs of falling out of love, there was no way he'll leave you, 𝙧𝙞𝙜𝙝𝙩? you tried to run away, but you can't. you broke down infront of your friends who were

were shopping with you, you couldn't help but cry in pure lament. people started whispering around you as your friends tried to lift you up but a familiar voice echoed through your ears in your horror

“𝗯𝗮𝗯𝘆? 𝘄𝗵𝘆 𝗮𝗿𝗲 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗰𝗿𝘆𝗶𝗻𝗴? 𝘄𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗮𝗿𝗲 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗱𝗼𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗵𝗲𝗿𝗲?” banri's hand tried to hold your head up, you slapped it away. the person infront of you had his eyes widen, he knew it. he knew that you saw them. his heart broke into a million pieces when you stood up on your own, still shaking. you lifter your head, glaring at him with your tear filled eyes with pure hatred, no words were said but the fact that you were looking at him with that expression, that expression of shame, disappointment, hate and sadness, it hit him through his chest like a knife stabbed through his chest. he tried to hold you in his embrace repeating the word ‘sorry’ over and over again but unfortunately for him, your friends shoved him away from you. and as you were pulled away from the one you once called the love of your life, you gave him one last gaze and he's in there, in another woman's embrace. as if you didn't mean anything to him at all. you choked in your own tears, “𝙢𝙖𝙮𝙗𝙚 𝙞 𝙙𝙞𝙙𝙣'𝙩, 𝙢𝙖𝙮𝙗𝙚 𝙄 𝙬𝙖𝙨𝙣'𝙩 𝙞𝙢𝙥𝙤𝙧𝙩𝙖𝙣𝙩 𝙖𝙩 𝙖𝙡𝙡. 𝙬𝙝𝙤 𝙖𝙢 𝙞 𝙖𝙣𝙮𝙬𝙖𝙮?” you muttered to yourself. after arriving to one of the comfort rooms of the mall, one of your friends handed you a box of tissues, where did she get those? welp frick frack it, who cares? you need them tissues so you snatched it from her and tried to force a teasing smile, trying to act like yourself but to no avail. she sighed but smiled back

“𝗱𝗼𝗻'𝘁 𝗳𝗼𝗿𝗰𝗲 𝗶𝘁, 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗹𝗼𝗼𝗸 𝘂𝗴𝗹𝘆 𝘄𝗶𝘁𝗵 𝗮𝗹𝗹 𝘁𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗻𝗼𝘁 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝘄𝗮𝘁𝗲𝗿𝗳𝗮𝗹𝗹 𝗼𝗻 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗳𝗮𝗰𝗲.” you playfully slapped her arm and thanked her for the tissues. you started wiping everywhere. you were an absolute mess. you never felt so insecure. you look so ugly and you felt so... disgusting. images of that girl with banri flooded your mind. she was beautiful, maybe even smoking hot, she had pouty lips, long eyelashes, thin waist and everything. and you? what do you have? a great personality. is that enough? no, definitely it's not, especially for men like banri. you stared at yourself in the mirror, tears blurring your vision once again.

“𝙬𝙝𝙮 𝙘𝙖𝙣𝙩 𝙔𝙊𝙐 𝙗𝙚 𝙗𝙚𝙖𝙪𝙩𝙞𝙛𝙪𝙡? 𝙬𝙝𝙮 𝙘𝙖𝙣𝙩 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙗𝙚 𝙚𝙣𝙤𝙪𝙜𝙝?...” you whispered, enough for only you to hear. suddenly as you were deep in your envy hole, your phone started to ring. you knew this ringtone, it was the cuppy cake song. the one you always sang for banri whenever he wanted to sleep while using your lap as his pillow after their rehearsals and practices in the mankai company. you remembered how masumi was whining at izumi that he wanted to do whatever you and banri were doing together infront of them. while reminiscing, you didn't notice how your hand was snaking in your purse to get your phone. you answered the call without thinking and was greeted by a screaming banri, not the playful scream she was used to. but an angry scream, no— not angry. he was furious.

“𝘄𝗛𝗘𝗥𝗘 𝗧𝗛𝗘 𝗙𝗨𝗖𝗞 𝗔𝗥𝗘 𝗬𝗢𝗨 𝗥𝗜𝗚𝗛𝗧 𝗡𝗢𝗪?!!” you flinched at his tone. you gulped and clenched your fist, weren't you the one who was supposed to be angry? you were the one who was cheated on, not him. so what was he acting like that for?

“𝙬𝙃𝙔 𝘼𝙍𝙀 𝙔𝙊𝙐 𝙎𝘾𝙍𝙀𝘼𝙈𝙄𝙉𝙂 𝘼𝙏 𝙈𝙀?! 𝙄'𝙈 𝙏𝙃𝙀 𝙊𝙉𝙀 𝙒𝙃𝙊'𝙎 𝙎𝙐𝙋𝙋𝙊𝙎𝙀𝘿 𝙏𝙊 𝙎𝙉𝘼𝙋 𝙊𝙐𝙏! 𝙄....” your voiced cracked, tears started falling again. you felt helpless, trapped like you fell in a void with nobody to be your hero. a pregnant silence passed. you had so many things to say. you wanted to know why he thought it was cool to date two girls at once. why he was kissing another girl other than you even though he promised that you were the only one for him, even buying you promise rings. but no words left your lips.

“𝗟𝗼𝗼𝗸... 𝗯𝗮𝗯𝗲, 𝗽𝗿𝗶𝗻𝗰𝗲𝘀𝘀, 𝗺𝘆 𝗮𝗻𝗴𝗲𝗹, 𝗶𝗺 𝘀𝗼𝗿𝗿𝘆... 𝗶 𝗱𝗶𝗱𝗻'𝘁 𝗺𝗲𝗮𝗻 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝘁𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘁𝗼 𝗵𝗮𝗽𝗽𝗲𝗻. 𝗶 𝗱𝗶𝗱𝗻'𝘁 𝘄𝗮𝗻𝘁 𝘁𝗼 𝗵𝘂𝗿𝘁 𝘆𝗼𝘂, 𝗶 𝘀𝘄𝗲𝗮𝗿—” you chuckled bitterly at his weak attempt of an apology.

“𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙝𝙖𝙙 𝙖 𝙘𝙝𝙤𝙞𝙘𝙚. 𝙞𝙩 𝙬𝙖𝙨𝙣'𝙩 𝙖 𝙢𝙞𝙨𝙩𝙖𝙠𝙚. 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙙𝙞𝙙𝙣'𝙩 𝙢𝙚𝙖𝙣 𝙩𝙤 𝙝𝙪𝙧𝙩 𝙢𝙚? 𝙙𝙞𝙙 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙩𝙝𝙞𝙣𝙠 𝙩𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙞'𝙙 𝙜𝙤 𝙬𝙃𝙤𝙊 𝙢𝙮 𝙗𝙤𝙮𝙛𝙧𝙞𝙚𝙣𝙙 𝙝𝙖𝙨 𝙖𝙣𝙤𝙩𝙝𝙚𝙧 𝙜𝙞𝙧𝙡𝙛𝙧𝙞𝙚𝙣𝙙, 𝙞 𝙖𝙢 𝙨𝙤 𝙛𝙪𝙘𝙠𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙝𝙖𝙥𝙥𝙮.” you heard his gasp from the other line, he has never heard your sassy side before. you had always been his sweet angel, his fluffball. he was left speechless.

“𝗶'𝗺 𝘀𝗼𝗿𝗿𝘆, 𝗮𝗻𝗴𝗲𝗹. 𝗶 𝗱𝗼𝗻𝘁 𝗸𝗻𝗼𝘄 𝘄𝗵𝘆 𝗶 𝗱𝗶𝗱 𝘁𝗵𝗶𝘀...” was the only thing he could say.

“𝗯𝘂𝘁 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗹𝗼𝘃𝗲 𝗺𝗲 𝗿𝗶𝗴𝗵𝘁? 𝗽𝗹𝗲𝗮𝘀𝗲 𝗳𝗼𝗿𝗴𝗶𝘃𝗲 𝗺𝗲. 𝗶'𝗹𝗹 𝗯𝗲 𝗮 𝗯𝗲𝘁𝘁𝗲𝗿 𝗺𝗮𝗻, 𝗽𝗹𝗲𝗮𝘀𝗲 𝗱𝗼𝗻'𝘁 𝗹𝗲𝗮𝘃𝗲 𝗺𝗲. 𝗶 𝗯𝗲𝗴 𝗼𝗳 𝘆𝗼𝘂” his voice was cracking, he was definitely crying, it made you feel like crying too. it made you think for a second, to forget what you saw and continue to love him but as you were thinking about it the picture of him kissing that girl in that shop hit you. no... you can't continue like this. you can't be happy like this.

“𝙞𝙢 𝙨𝙤𝙧𝙧𝙮 𝙗𝙖𝙣𝙧𝙞, 𝙞 𝙙𝙤 𝙡𝙤𝙫𝙚 𝙮𝙤𝙪... 𝙗𝙪𝙩 𝙞 𝙙𝙤𝙣𝙩 𝙩𝙝𝙞𝙣𝙠 𝙞 𝙘𝙖𝙣 𝙩𝙧𝙪𝙨𝙩 𝙮𝙤𝙪” you cried, you could almost hear your heart shattering, hearing your own words and banri's soft cries from the phone.

“𝗯𝗮𝗯𝘆— 𝗻𝗼 𝗽𝗹𝗲𝗮𝘀𝗲 𝗱𝗼𝗻𝘁 𝗹𝗲𝗮𝘃𝗲 𝗺𝗲. 𝗶 𝗮𝗹𝗿𝗲𝗮𝗱𝘆 𝗯𝗿𝗼𝗸𝗲 𝘁𝗵𝗶𝗻𝗴𝘀 𝗼𝗳𝗳 𝘄𝗶𝘁𝗵 𝗵𝗲𝗿. 𝗶 𝗱𝗼𝗻𝘁 𝗹𝗼𝘃𝗲 𝗵𝗲𝗿, 𝗶 𝗹𝗼𝘃𝗲 𝗬𝗢𝗨. 𝗱𝗶𝗱𝗻'𝘁 𝘄𝗲 𝗽𝗿𝗼𝗺𝗶𝘀𝗲 𝘁𝗼 𝗯𝗲 𝘄𝗶𝘁𝗵 𝗲𝗮𝗰𝗵 𝗼𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗿 𝗳𝗼𝗿𝗲𝘃𝗲𝗿? 𝘆𝗼𝘂'𝗿𝗲 𝗺𝘆 𝗽𝗹𝗮𝘆𝗲𝗿 𝘁𝘄𝗼, 𝗿𝗶𝗴𝗵𝘁? 𝘄𝗵𝗲𝗿𝗲 𝗮𝗿𝗲 𝘆𝗼𝘂? 𝗶'𝗺 𝗴𝗼𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘁𝗼 𝗽𝗶𝗰𝗸 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝘂𝗽 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗶'𝗹𝗹 𝗯𝗿𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝘁𝗼 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗱𝗼𝗿𝗺. 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝘆'𝗹𝗹 𝗯𝗲 𝘁𝗵𝗿𝗶𝗹𝗹𝗲𝗱 𝘁𝗼 𝗵𝗮𝘃𝗲 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗿𝗲— 𝗹𝗲𝘁'𝘀 𝗴𝗼 𝘁𝗼 𝗺𝘆 𝗿𝗼𝗼𝗺 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗽𝗹𝗮𝘆 𝘀𝗼𝗺𝗲 𝗴𝗮𝗺𝗲𝘀. 𝗷𝘂𝘀𝘁 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝘁𝘄𝗼 𝗼𝗳 𝘂𝘀, 𝘆𝗲𝗮𝗵?” he was stammering, you wanted to tell him that you were in the second floor's bathroom, just infront of that candy story you loved so much but you knew what your friends would do to him once he tries to get near you. they would murder him with words and push him away. if he doesn't listen they'll go on combat mode and you never really liked violence.

“𝙞 𝙒𝘼𝙎 𝙮𝙤𝙪𝙧 𝙥𝙡𝙖𝙮𝙚𝙧 𝙩𝙬𝙤. 𝙗𝙪𝙩 𝙞'𝙢 𝙚𝙣𝙙𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙩𝙝𝙞𝙨 𝙣𝙤𝙬. 𝙞'𝙢 𝙨𝙤𝙧𝙧𝙮 𝙗𝙖𝙣𝙧𝙞, 𝙞 ��𝙖𝙣'𝙩 𝙛𝙖𝙘𝙚 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙧𝙞𝙜𝙝𝙩 𝙣𝙤𝙬. 𝙞'𝙢 𝙨𝙤𝙧𝙧𝙮” and with that you ended the call, blocked him and went to one of your friends’ car as they drove you home. banri was still in the mall, eyes reddened as he bawled his eyes out after that conversation with you. he was hopelessly looking for you until yuki and kazunari spotted him and forced him to come back home and call it a day. he tried to go to your own apartment, basically kicking off the door, thankfully one of the old ladies who lived somewhere near your apartment spotted him and asked him to leave. you never left your home and never touched your phone which was bombarded with messages from people from the mankai company, asking if you were okay. you felt somewhat soft knowing that they have warmed up to you as you were always visiting and helping them whenever you could. you helped them cook once when omi was doing a late night photoshoot, tsuzuru visited home and everyone else wanted something else than izumi's famous curry. you lent a hand to tzusuru when he was writing a script for the winter troupe and it ended up bomb. you remembered how proud and how bright banri's smile as he kept repeating ‘that's my girlfriend's work. ofcourse it's perfect’, tears left your eyes as you punched yourself internally.

“𝙬𝙝𝙮 𝙙𝙞𝙙 𝙞𝙩 𝙝𝙖𝙫𝙚 𝙩𝙤 𝙚𝙣𝙙 𝙩𝙝𝙞𝙨 𝙬𝙖𝙮? 𝙬𝙝𝙮 𝙙𝙞𝙙 𝙞𝙩 𝙝𝙖𝙫𝙚 𝙩𝙤 𝙚𝙣𝙙 𝙖𝙩 𝙖𝙡𝙡?”

[jlpat82]

Not Our Home

Chapter 7

An shrill blasted penetrated the silence, startling me back to my reality. It had been the fifth one since the doors had closed. I was disoriented, looking around my surroundings. The metal shined brightly as the sunlight poured in the window.

I stumbled over and peered out, the grass swayed in the light breeze. In the distance I saw tall columns, dabbed in various shades of green. Trees, I had seen them in pictures and movies. It was marvel to behold, beauty that I had no words the describe.

I felt my stomach tighten and rumble, I knew what laid a head of me. Part of me wondered since there was little to no radiation how they managed to kill those sentenced to death. Bullets were scarce, and hard to make since the dropping of the bombs.

Other methods that they had used previously to kill those on the death row were no longer available. I had a week to figured out how to escape, or if I even could escape. All while becoming dehydrated and starving, with little to no sleep.

❧

"Sir, the prisoner is awake." The guard informed him. It was time to figure out how this girls little friend was getting in the building, disrupting the flow of things.

The metallic door slid open with a large bang, baldy stepped in waving his lakies away. The door slid closed with another large clang. He walked in towards me as I sat on the metal cot, his eyes concentrated on the window.

"It's amazing, never ceases to surprise me. It only took a couple of years for the trees to come back." His voice was cold, almost disgusted. "We almost had the perfect utopia. Everyone in their appropriate social classes, not mettling. Then you came along."

He finally turned his head toward me, his eyes narrowed. I stayed silent, I didn't know what he was planning but I didn't want to be a part of it. He looked down at me and folded his arms.

"You know, we only took the brightest of lower middle class. Before the bombs dropped, thinking maybe, just maybe it would make all of you smarter in the long run. Remind you guys if it hadn't been for our generosity to your grandparents you wouldn't exists. However, I felt obligated to personally take your dad in." I heard the disgust in his voice, it dawned on me. This man was easily a hundred and fifty. Which meant he was one those genetically modified.

"That's right, little girl, I'm like your little friend out there. The only difference is, I was able to live out my life in luxury. You see I was promised an amazing life if I didn't disarm the nuclear warhead in the bomb. I'm sure had your little friend not been so focused on her he would've noticed." He gloated. "Things ran smoothly for the most part around here, everyone happy in their classes, content. Till you started dabbling in the underground."

"Me?" I was genuinely confused by this.

"Yes, you. Bringing your books and movies top side had a long impact on our society. People talk, and whisper through the community. Telling stories of things you'd bring back to your friends. We let it slide, as at that point it hadn't caused to much trouble. People were still complacent in their dull little lives, that was till Reaper showed up."

"Reaper showing up had nothing to with me."

"Your right, and wrong. Had you not been curious that night and walked the tubes he would never had seen you. He would not have been fixated on you, as you look so much like your grandma. He had to come in, and you just had to make contact with him. Then stories swirled about that outside isn't as deadly as people were lead to believe, if people know that life is capable of surviving out there society will crumble again."

"I was right." I whispered, looking towards the ground. My mind began to tail spin.

"It took hours of persuading your friend Elise to rat you out. Ultimately we had to threaten her family but you get the point. She will be taken care of after we are done with you. We will slowly eliminate everyone you have had contact with, so not to draw any attention."

"You have held us hostage, kept us from a better life because the lot of you are to lazy to do your own work? That's what this comes down to?" I sprang up from my cot yelling, my entire body shook with anger. "You think by getting rid of me that will solve your problem? You think that nobody else will question your ideas of utopia? Your wrong, there will be others like me. Word is already spreading, you can't kill the idea once the doubt is put in their minds."

"How cute, you think this is the first time people have wondered if it's safe out there. News flash child, it's not. We will deal with it as we have always done, destroy the non-believers. We are due for a reduction in numbers anyhow, can't have over population happen. It makes people unhappy once the over crowding starts. Can't have that, unhappy workers make bad decisions."

"You’re a monster." I stated in disgust.

"So is your little friend, how do you think he earned the name Reaper." His lip curled as he smiled at me. "This has been a marvelous chat but I have better things to do now."

I watched as he banged on the metal door and left. I felt sick to my stomach, my chest started to heave. The realization of how bad our society really was hit me like a brick. Lives meant nothing to these people, killing people for having thoughts that didn't conform to their beliefs.

A scream startled me from my thoughts. It was deafening, and inhuman. A hallow metallic sound that chilled you to the core. My heart raced, I sprinted to the window and peered out. I watched as a pair of boots walked passed the window struggling to pull something. Another shrill scream pierced my ears louder then before. I clamped my hands over my ears.

Large pale white hands planted into the soil before my eyes, long talon like nails dug into the soil. The skin was almost translucent white, marred by large bloody blisters. It lowered it's massive head to the ground. It's smooth face was void of any eyes, sunken skin covered the sockets in the skull.

The creatures body was heaving with each heavy breath. It opened its mouth, sharp jagged teeth glistened, its eye teeth absurdly long. The abominations tongue slipped out and graced the ground licking the soil, saliva sticking to the ground.

It's body braced back as it took in a deep breath, that shrill, ear piercing hallowed scream exited it. I winced in response to its call. The thing snapped its head in my direction, I was confused as to how it sensed me.

It lunged at me through the glass, hissing. Pressing its flattened nose against the glass, and started clawing erratically. I instinctively took a step back, it lunged again and shrieked. In horror I heard a small crack and watched as a small fissure appear in the glass that separated us.

The boots came back into view, I heard the zap of electricity. It spasmed, and turned to the boots hissing. The thing slowly crept away from the window, growling. Whatever that thing was, whatever it's genetic make up, it was far from what it had originally been. Years of genetic mutation from radiation had taken its toll.

❧

Sasha waited in the tube as night approached, she didn't know who else to turn to. Reaper had found away into the building surely he could find away to rescue her sister. She had no idea where they housed the condemned, but she knew where the blue prints were contained.

She could see a storm rolling in, the first few droplets twinkled in the fading moonlight. A green light flickered through the night sky, thunder rocked through the tube. Sasha stepped closer to the tube wall, pressing her hands to the cool glass.

Lighting graced the blackened sky, she saw him. Reflecting in the glass, an irrational fear ripped through her body as she spun around. Their eyes locked, confusion etched across his worried eyes.

"They have her." She breathed out, his eyes narrowed.

"Where?" His voiced boomed.

"I don't know, I don't know where they house the condemned." His body began to tense up at her words. "I know where the blue prints are, Julianne found them once. She told me where they are."

"Where?"

"They are deep in the underground." Sasha stated turning walking toward the tube door.

"Do you know where at in the underground?" He asked as they paced through the door, he turned toward the elevator as she had turned to take the stairs.

"Yes, but we need to her bag, it has pepper spray. We're outsiders they will attack us." She watched as he pushed the call button.

"Then let them, you won't need the pepper spray. You will be safe." The doors dinged and slowly rolled open.

"Are you sure?" She asked, stepping in the elevator car.

"Yes." He pressed the U button, the car started its rickety descent downward.  Sasha watched him out of the corner of her eye, he was tense. His hands clenched into fists, causing the veins in his forearms to pop out a bit. She adjusted her weight to her foot farthest away from him.

"You don't trust me." His voice flat, her eyes trained on the door.

"I don't know you, or what your intentions are with my sister. All I know is you've killed at least three people since you arrived, and now I'm standing in a small elevator with you, descending into bowls of darkness riddle with crime and filth. My sister is awaiting death and we have absolutely no plan on how to rescue her and you're worried that I don't trust you?" She scoffed. "Trust is the last thing I'm worried about."

"Trust is needed in any mission." He replied, looking at her.

"The isn't a mission, and I'm not a soldier." She quipped, he grabbed her shoulder and pulled her gently to face him.

"Without trust, you're going to worry that I will hurt you and not those who intend to do is harm. If I don't trust you, you could be leading me on wild goose chase that could get you or I killed. If we fight with each other the odds of us getting to your sister are slim. Trust is necessary."

"Okay, fine, I trust you." She stated, her eyebrow raised. He let go of her, his chocolate eyes bore into her, her body relaxed. She could almost understand why her sister felt at ease. There was something about him. "Why are you fixated on her?"

"She reminds me someone. Reminds me of a woman who gave everything, and expected nothing in return. I wanted to keep her safe, so she could return her family but I failed." He tore his gaze from her, and watched their reflections in the elevator door.

"Whatever happened, it wasn't your fault. Trust me I learned a long time ago that you can't save everyone." She looked back the door. "My father said he failed us and my mother when they arrested him. I was tasked to take care her after they took him. Julianne would tell our mother amazing stories of adventures he was going on to get her the help she needed. Our mother thought our dad was on journey went she passed."

"Your father didn't fail though."

"It didn't matter, in his eyes he had. That's the thing, you may see yourself as failure but in reality to her, you weren't." The car started to slow as the number hit fourteen. "Just like no matter what happens from this point on, we won't fail. You can't fail if you don't stop trying."

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