#maybe i should look for another job
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i hate the world. like actually. anyways im gonna try to get a little bit of thoughts out
hmm. maybe luis runs me a bath sometimes. sees me looking a lot more exhausted than normal, and so he takes action. he stays there while i soak, probably massaging my shoulders to help relieve me of SOME tension in my body. he probably has a few medicinal bath salts he puts in too so i can hopefully feel better.
mister navarro please. materialize right before my very eyes
#⛈️: chloë's rainy day thoughts.#⛈️🔬: chloluis!#what do you mean i work for five days straight.#what do you mean that two days are 7am-2am and one day is 8am-5pm and another day is#8am-3pm and the day following that one is 6am-3am#maybe i should look for a different job#im so fucking tired jesus christ#i feel such a lack of joy in the stuff i normally do because of this damn job. its too switchy and irregular (its fast food) i need some#thing repetitive and more or less stable#maybe i should look for another job#🌊: chloë's drowning.#<- (vent tag feel free to block)
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Found a cool color palette. Might finish it later. (Probably not.)
#star wars#star wars the clone wars#star wars rex#star wars the bad batch#Glitched half an hour on his face for no reason#just cause I couldn't figure a skin color#like I come from impressionism#you know this small art movement#where half of the Chinese artists I follow borrows their wonderful color palette#Color palettes who are perfect to draw noice anime boys#but (we can't lie) where everyone tend to draw only fair skinned characters#So I'm bugged trying to draw realistic people with that#would probably help if I forced myself to do studies ya know#instead of looking at gensh1n art#skill issue as people say#maybe is should draw on a bigger file too#like not draw face with realistic feature on a 300x300 px square XD#But again this drawing was me procrastinating on another one#I hate finishing illu#I just wanna plan/doodle and layout#for others#my jobs of heart are storyboard or color key artist#background paint or compositing hell no#clean animation? kill me#I had a burn out last time I touched a graph editor#too bad that's the most demanded and entry level jobs#v_v#tips for people who want to enter animation industry#don't be like me#finish stuff
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thinking about the person i could have been if i tried a little harder to find my own way
#probably the thing i am resenting my parents for right now is how good they were at convincing me#not to pursue any career paths other than the ones they laid out#every time i was like hey this seems interesting should i check it out? they would be so quick with the#do you care enough about it to stake your livelihood on it? to do it for your whole working life?#and obviously 8 yo 12 yo 14 yo 17 yo 18 yo me would get terrified and go no sorry and just not look into anything further#supposedly this is the safe option but everything i do feels meaningless#all of the jobs in this field seem meaningless#the job market in this field right now is dog shit and I'm fighting like hell for positions that just make me sad to think about#but every time i think hey what if i tried another thing#now my brain shuts me down with the do you care enough about it to stake your livelihood on it#your whole life on it#and the answer is no and it's gonna be no for a long time i bet#don't know if I'll ever find my way out of it#told my roommate's boyfriend about my general dispassion for pretty much everything in life#he asked me if I'm even a person#which feels very true#i feel like this path I've followed if i keep following it#I'm not going to be a person i can be proud of#i know it's really early in my life to say but#idk if it's nature or nurture or my own damn fault but all the ambition has been weaned out of me and I've been getting just surviving#i just wish i got told more you can be whatever you want to be :)#instead of whatever you'll do you'll be good at so do what makes money and push your hobbies to the side you can do them after you retire#your mom likes this and you're good at it so you'll like it too it'll make you money this is the best thing#the other thing is harder and doesn't make as much money don't do that you won't like it that much i bet#when i was younger#maybe I'd be struggling more but I'd be really happy and fulfilled#or maybe this is genuinely the best timeline and eggs who tried to pursue art hates it now#maybe I'd be really stupid at all the other things i gave a passing glance at#eggsistential speaks#tag rant
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a great way to combat genAI in the future would be educating kids (and teens and college students and all ppl) on art way more.
#i had art classes growing up but i know a lot of ppl didn't and even less kids get art classes nowadays#we need all kinds of art classes too! music and history and painting and woodshop and drawing and life drawing#i think art history is especially important bc it connects us to our past and shows why art is so important#and all kinds of art classes help kids develop different important skills#like fine motor skills and critical thinking and making choices and noticing details and how to really SEE things rather than just looking#and a lot of art skills like woodworking and ceramics and sewing are all very practical basic adult skills that we should all get to learn#there's reasons arts and crafts and other skill based electives are the first to go and its not just bc they're undervalued#its cause a population that feels capable and confident and skilled and knows how to think critically#is harder to make work shitty jobs for shitty pay#harder to control!#same reason they're banning so many books and trying to make education worse#damn maybe i should learn how to teach better#im already planning to at least try doing a workshop for adults but maybe if i end up liking that#i could work towards being able to teach kids#i feel like teaching kids would be harder cause idk what concepts they do or dont know at whatever age they are#id have to do research and maybe talk to someone who has experience teaching art to kids#but even a simple art class would be beneficial i think#like going outside to draw things in nature maybe#or portrait drawing#or a class on how to make comics or animate on paper to impress their friends lol#i would've loved that!#id have to do that with the help of another teacher maybe#idk#vague future plans#anyway the reason education would help combat ai is cause ppl would learn abt what goes onto making art#all the choices and skills and thought#and they'd be able to more easily see the difference btwn real art and ai images and understand why making art is important
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#im at such a weird point in my life. trying to choose between a phd and a doomed life as an academic and like just not doing that.#its crazy how not terrible i feel when im not in school. just give me tasks to do and i will do them. dont let me think.#but then im just avoiding my responsibilities. i dunno. i just feel like i would be happier with a structured job that ends when the day#is over. which is y my dad thinks i should get a government job. one of my former lab mates got a government job and he's settling into#spending the rest of his life out in Colorado. which is so weird. i dont kno how long ill be in the place im in now. will it b 4 more years?#or will it be only a few months? will i go back to school in the fall? its looking like yes bc i dont have a job lined up. but maybe ill#keep applying and dip out. let my dreams die in favor of balance and sanity. maybe some things arent meant to be.#its just so gutting. i was talking to my coworker this week. saying that im interested in so many things. i could have studied anything else#and traveled a completely different path. and a guy across the room was like: its never too late. but it feels like its too late. too late#to spend another impossible amount of money on getting a different degree. restarting on a second masters project. im almost 30.#im supposed to b saving money so that i can not work forever. but i cant do that if im just a student forever. so maybe i should just get a#job. god. but theres so much i still want to learn. and im in the perfect program for everything i thought i wanted. im in the perfect place#but everything's falling to pieces. whatever. i. just tired bc im on day 5 of work and have to go in for a day 6.#doing something i havent done before all day. but after than im going home for a week. so ill have lots to contemplate in the airport.#this is not how i thought things would turn out. but im glad im spending the summer working where i am. im learning lots on a human to human#level. and no one bleieves im 27 bc i apparently have a bby face lol. nope im 11 yrs older than u my 16yo coworker#unrelated
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well that was a shortlived good feeling about my job
#maybe i should just become unemployed. maybe i should just suffer!#recap of todays further events .#that supervisor? who i kinda didnt already like but now absolutely hate?#she came down to confirm that i wasnt leaving. okay . and then she fucking tells me#oh we're going to get another person to help out from this other company. we were going to do that bc we thought you were leaving#but she thinks that even if im staying there should be another person on this floor. bc apparently more has to be done#and there are 'constant complaints' abt this floor . which doesnt make sense to me bc there shouldnt be#and so we're waiting to see what the manager decides but hes on fucking vacation and wont get back until. next week??#she said she was gonna email him and like right after she left i emailed and texted him explaining everything#and trying to very nicely say hey what the fuck are you doing you don't need to hire anyone else#and if im doing a bad job fucking tell me so i can do it better. bitch#and she had the nerve to fucking tell me when she was talking to me#that i wont find an easier job than this one#well if its so fucking easy why are we hiring someone else#by the way getting that extra person from this other company doesnt cost them anything which is why theyre doing it i think#which is making me not feel good abt my own future lmao. like why would they keep paying me when they can get someone for free#and she was saying all this stuff like oh you have it so good here we dont write you up i do all this stuff to help you like . ok#i didnt ask you to come downstairs w the coffee order and if you wanted me to i would come up . god#but the thing of me not being able to find a better job like wow! what if i killed you. for saying that to my face#and she talks abt how shes been w the company 20 years ok and that doesnt give you an excuse to treat me like a child. jesus#anyway im very pissed off and not enjoying my work situation lol. i dont wanna do this anymore#but looking at other jobs im so unemployable. sigh
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Three ancient and forgotten gods and their one and only follower who they spoil rotten
#the dog barks#also know as dnn/punz#do they have a ship name?#anyway#Punz is so special to them#they havent done much more then sleep and maybe hang out with some animals for centuries!#and here comes Punz with his little rome of forbidden knowledge and they're smitten#they follow him around to his jobs and never fail to help when he's in a though spot and would give him all the power and riches if he woul#just let them! and at night they drag him trough the fabric of space so they can cuddle in their castle :]#Punz is deeply amused by the gods and how much they like him plus it never hurts to cuddle in a giant plush bed made for a kind instead of#little creaky bed in an inn or literally on the ground when he's camping#dreamwastaken#georgenotfound#sapnap#Punz#dsmpshipping#dnn#(...Karl as a deeply suspicious scholar of the crown that is trying to figure out what kind of terrible dark magic Punz has done while dnn#whisper in his ear that he should try seducing the pretty boy like “Puuuunzz please we can have another follower! and look he's all covered#in rings and shiny! you love shiny stuff! I think we still have some old priest robes from back in the day he would look so good in them!“#dnpn
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series i’m gatekeeping from my family vs series i’m ✨ok✨ with my family knowing i’m into:
#‘why do you gatekeep hw from your irls?’ well. the thing is. i just ✨don’t want to✨#and. like. i’ve already led my family to believe that i bought bl manga when i was buying idol sengen at animate#so i think im already past the point of no return in that regard. so. um. yeah.#thank you village vanguard for the unexpected μ’s content in 2k24 you truly are yappa saikyou#i s w e a r falling back into my ll phase almost 10 whole years after i first got into it is unexpected tbh#compounded with the fact that i can now actually afford whatever im looking for. so. like. my wallet is in crisis lol#i had just reached my savings goal last month but now i’ve overspent bc i saw great deals on resold honoka-chan hoodies and i couldn’t help—#so now i have 2 identical hoodies lol. but i’ll keep one of them safe in its packaging bc im unwell like that ig#my merch whaling is out of control i s w e a r but my oshis are just too cute aaaaaaaaa#i probably should open another savings account instead… maybe that’d keep my spending under control…#b u t for now honoka-chan jersey im looking for you#tfw ur oshi is decently unpopular amongst the fans so hardly anyone resells her merch lmao#so ig the relatively fewer fellow fans she has are more dedicated to her than fans of other more popular characters lol#but at least her stuff (when resold) isn’t as overpriced as the actually popular members (birb and tomato)#so my wallet isn’t crying as hard as it could’ve been? ig? hunting for almost 10 year old merch is a pain fr though#either way. the grip idol series have on my wallet is truly insane#i wonder how many bags of chips i could’ve bought with the amount i’ve spent on hw and ll merch to date…#at least a thousand… i think. maybe even 2 thousand if my past gacha game whaling is taken into consideration…#…this is probably why it’s important to have a decent paying job ig.#oh well. at least i may be making b a n k this month with how much ot i’ve had to do this week so far…#i hope i won’t have to work till 5am again over the next 2 days… that had been a horrible experience.#help what am i even talking about anymore why am i having a life crisis right here and now u m.#anyways. dni if you dislike honoka-chan. thanks for coming to my crisis rant. see you when the last stage mv drops ig ok byeeeee
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terfs when a study shows literally anything positive about trans people/transitioning: 'hm i think this requires some fact-checking. Were those researchers REALLY unbiased? Because if they were biased this doesn't count and if they weren't knowingly biased they probably were unconsciously biased, woke media affects so much these days. Have there been any other studies on this? Because if there haven't been this could be an outlier and if there have been and they all agree that's a bit odd, why aren't there any outliers, and if there have been and any disagree we really won't know the truth until we very thoroughly analyze them all, will we? Were there enough subjects for a good sample size? Did every single subject involved stay involved through the whole study because if they didn't we should be sure nothing shady was going on resulting in people dropping out. Are we 110% sure all the subjects were fully honest and at no point were embarrassed or afraid to admit they didn't love transitioning to the people in charge of their transition? Are we 110% sure none of the subjects were manipulated into thinking they were happy with their transition? In fact we should double-check what they think with their parents, because if the subjects and their parents disagree it's probably because they've been manipulated but their cis parents have not and are very unbiased. How many autistic subjects were there because if there weren't enough then this doesn't really study the overlap between autistic and trans and if there were too many then we just don't know enough about what causes that overlap to be sure this study really explains being trans and isn't just about being autistic. How many AFAB subjects were there because if there weren't enough this is just another example of prioritizing AMAB people and ignoring the different struggles of girls and women and if there were too many how do we know sexism didn't affect the results. Was the study double-blinded? We all know double-blinded is the most reliable so if this one wasn't that's a point against it even if the thesis literally physically could not be double-blinded. Look i'm not being transphobic, i want what's best for trans people! Really! But as a person who is not trans and therefore objective in a way they cannot possibly be, i just think we should only take into account Good Science here. You want to be following science and not being manipulated or experimented upon by something unscientific, right?'
terfs when they see a study of 45 subjects so old it predates modern criteria for gender dysphoria and basically uses 'idk her parents think she's too butch', run by a guy who practiced conversion therapy, 'confirmed' by a guy who treated the significant portion of subjects who didn't follow up as all desisting, definitely in the category of 'physically cannot double-blind this', completely contradicted by multiple other studies done on actual transgender subjects, but can be kinda cited as evidence against transitioning if you ignore everything else about it: 'oOOH SEE THIS IS WHAT WE'RE TALKIN BOUT. SCIENCE. Just good ol' unbiased thorough analysis. I see absolutely no reason to dig any deeper on this and if you think it's wrong you're the one being unscientific. It's really a shame you've been so thoroughly brainwashed by the trans agenda and can't even accept science when you see it. Maybe now that someone has finally uncovered this long-lost study from 1985, we can make some actual progress on the whole trans problem.'
#science#transphobia#cass review#less 'cass review' generally more 'zucker specifically' because this same problem exists outside cass#have lost count of the number of times i've seen 'well THAT study may have said most trans kids persist but it MUST be wrong'#'there's another study says the exact opposite. that one's right. obviously.'#but cass is why i'm annoyed by it now#normally i don't have a problem with critical observations and questions. yeah check your science! that's good!#there have been some bullshit studies and some bullshit interpretations of good studies! scientific literacy is important!#and normally also am willing to pretend the people pulling reaction 1 on some studies and reaction 2 on others are. not the same group.#but now there's a ton of cass supporters tryna say 'oh the cass review didn't reject or downplay anything for being pro-trans!'#'some studies just weren't given much weight for being poor evidence! not our fault those were all studies with results trans people like!'#…….………….aight explain why zucker's findings are used for the 'percentage of trans kids who don't stay trans' stat instead of anyone else's.#would've been more scientifically accurate to say 'yeah we just don't know.'#'studies have been done but none of them fit our crack criteria sooooo *shrug*'#like COME ON at least PRETEND you're genuinely checking scientific correctness and not looking for excuses to weed out undesirable results#am also mad about zucker in particular because his is possibly the most famous bullshit study#quite bluntly if you're doing trans research and think 'yeah this one seems reasonable' you. are maybe not well-informed enough for the job#there's just no way you genuinely look at the research with an eye toward accurate science regardless of personal bias#and walk away thinking 'hm that zucker fellow seems reasonable. competent scientists will respect that citation.'#that's one or two steps above doing a review of vaccine science and seriously citing wakefield's mmr-causes-autism study#it doesn't matter what the rest of your review says people are gonna have OPINIONS on that bit#and outside anti-vaxxers most of those opinions will be 'are you actually the most qualified for this because ummmm.'#people who agree with everything else will still think someone more competent could've done a much better job#people who disagree with everything else will point to that as proof you don't know shit and why should we listen to you#anyway i'd love a hugeass trans science review with actual fucking standards hmu if you know of one cause this ain't it#……does tumblr still put a limit on how many tags you can include guess me and my tag essay are about to find out.
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Today was supposed to be my first day back to work from the LOA I ended up taking for my mental health, but I woke up and had a panic attack just thinking about going to work and I haven’t showered since Friday (sorry, gross), so am I really mentally ready to go back?
#personal#Feeling like the 🤪 Emoji over this all.#Yes I am still terribly anxious. Yes I am still extremely depressed. But at least I’m not su*cidal so it’s a start!#God I know I’m not okay when I neglect my hygiene for real. Like number one symptom that has me like ‘Maybe I’m not okay at all!’#Almost fell out of bed reaching for my Ativan this morning though. And my hands were shaking so bad I almost spilled the pills everywhere.#If my job makes me feel this way I know I should probably look for another but the job market sucks.#And the pay is excellent for my position… Also I do like my new boss. She’s young but she cares.#She literally praised me for approaching her to ask about taking the LOA in the first place which umm… Alright!#She said not a lot of people are willing to admit they have a problem and wanted me to take a MONTH away at first.#Girl… This is unpaid time…
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Okay, since no one has guessed it yet, I’ll just reveal it. The runner up for Hali’s ship was going to be Krile! Yeah, I really still think they’d make a great couple, but then Aymeric came along, batted his Bedroom Eyes* at Hali, and Hali grabbed Aymeric and said “This one!!!” and left poor Krile alone.
I’m seriously considering making another OC to develop and actually ship with Krile, but I’m not entirely sure how I’d go about it yet. Another lala perhaps?? 🤔
#krile baldesion#yup Hali x Krile was almost a thing#but Aymeric walked in and Hali never looked at anyone else since#maybe I should have another OC#I also have been wanting a WHM OC because WHM is one of my favorite jobs and it was my first job in the game actually#so maybe???
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im so full of anger every day that it makes it hard to function. what do i do
#blah blah blah#i generally try to not tamp down my thoughts and feelings but at what point is it 'being open' and at what point is it 'stewing'#i miss doing therapy but my medicaid doesnt cover psychiatric care#and my workplace is likely to schedule me back down at 20h/week once our new manager begins here#im so mad . he starts next week but idk if that means sunday (tomorrow) or monday#and why was only next week's schedule posted. why not the whole month#i have another job trying to schedule me and that one is easier to move around than the main one#full timers work 30h or more#and ive been working at least 35 every week for the past month since weve not had a manager#i want healthcare#i know im in a privileged position where i can even try to demand these things#but i am worried about the nextg year bc i dont know what my hours will look like yet#so i can't reliably predict my income for the year to select my own plan through the state service??#luckily open enrollment is nov and dec and it's only the start of nov now#i don't have a third recommender for phd programs so i can't fully submit those applications yet#im just so full of anger i feel unable to move#and the anger is of course about the odd time trying to balance my two part time jobs and rent and health#but it's also about! gestures at the globe full of things happening!#i am immobilized by anger and it's putting a big strain on my relationship with my partner and my family!#i don't know that going back to therapy would fix these things but if i could at least have a person to talk to once a week#specifically dedicated to talking about Problems#idk#maybe it would lessen the amount im dumping on everyone else#it feels so privileged and selfish and evil of me to have desires and feeling like i am the world's center of evil isnt helping anyone#pursuing a phd wouldnt be helping anyone#being unable to move for how full of emotions i am isnt helping anyone#maybe i should just . remembers suicide jokes are bad etc. join the circus
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going through it lately. and by it? i mean absolutely nothing actually.
#guys i need therapy#not that itll work#it wont#the last one didnt#and the ones before didnt but my mom only let me do one or two session each for those so i dont fault them#its been years tho so maybe?#idfk#i dont really care#i do#i probably do im just tired#yall know what type of tired#ugh i should really keep my vent posts to my vent blog so people dont have to see them#<- has made many vent posts here and actually not used the vent blog in months#my foot just fell asleep#yall lukcy i dont have a gun#i lied about quiting my job btw#something came up and it got complicated#it might turn out good tho#probably not#but if it does i might be able to move out and room with my oldest friend#oldest as in time known#not age (im older by like four months hehe(and like a head shorter but we dont talk about that shh))#but that would also mean rent which means philly will take a lot longer#and also ill have to look for shops in a whole other city so im putting off quiting for another month or two or three maybe#i dont like change. i dont like genuinely regularly thinking 'id rather die' to things that i really do want#tw vent#thats probably important#i dont like decisions#did you guys know Animal Jam got shut down?#i miss my necklace. everything else seems so- not barbaric but maybe unclean. which i guess is appropriate
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i'm so bummed i accidentally turned town a job interview for a job where I could have worked with a good friend and mentor 😔
#i was telling her abt the preschool i got hired at and i was like yeah im worried bc the other teacher doesn't seem nice#and the student teacher ratio is really bad they're really understaffed and underfunded im just really worried it will be too much for me#and she was like oh you should apply to the school i work at bc we're hiring snd the ratio is great and the pay might be better also#and i never knew the name of the school she worked at until then#and its one i DID apply to but i told them nevermind after this one hired me 😬#but now i really wish i'd taken that interview#i'm going to call or email first thing on monday tho and hopefullyyy i can get in for an interview before i start my new job on thursday#so i wont literally have to take time off for it#and then if they offer me i will be able to tell the new job nevermind while its still early#either that or i'll try to stick it out a few months then apply to the other one for summer or something#but im not sure whether its best to quit immediately or let them think im dependable and staying then leave in three months lol#but mostly for the other job idk if it would ruin the opportunity to tell them nevermind i want the job a week after i said no#compared to a few months later#they might have forgotten me by then which would probably be good#idkkk#my first reference literally works there which will hopefully help and maybe they'll give me a break#the pay scale looks the same as the one i just accepted but i think they'll offer less bc they're not as desperate#but i literally dont care its such a better working environment#and the pay scale is the same so they would give me a raise after a few months#and the work will be so much easier#and the commute#and i Definitely know i can work with my friend#vs the co teacher at this new job who seems really intense and unfriendly#anyway!!#im really anxious abt this new job and i'll stay if the other place wont take me now#but i really hope they give me another chance#also its super close and easy drive and the commute for the other one scares me a bit lol#this has been a shitpost
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this is such an indulgent au I made for myself that's not even related to selfshipping but i love to imagine the dexholders in a filipino school setting where some of the kids are part of the class officers and this is definitely based on my irl experiences with my old class when I was elementary to... freshman. <3
#ill just ramble in the tags from here on out#the class batch counts from the kanto to the hoenn dexholders - since they're all the most tied to one another#the officer list might change but the ones ive definitely settled were like#blue. he's the president of the class - he's quiet smart but handsome and would be a teacher's pet because he's also oak's grandson#red is vice president - he's a goofy compared to blue but he still has that vibe of someone you can absolutely rely on (and he does it)#would sometimes get told off by blue for being too carefree with his duties but they still go well together as a duo#i think i wrote secretary for crystal!! since crystal would definitely have a lot of biodata on her pokemon#it's only natrual that she'd be pretty good at being a secretary#in my class being a secretary means to keep track of students' attendances and names - basically writing a lot of things!#she's the smartest i like to think shes probably in the same ranking as blue (high honor students)#red is around the middle#green is the treasurer! (i was the treasurer last school year actually)#now i know this ones such a wild one because green is noctorious for being a good thief but that also means you cant outsmart her with money#and she's sure to keep the money safe. maybe she would spend the money secretly for her personal wants but she refills the amount she paid#<- i totally did that. nobody from my class knows me here so i can say this with full confidence AKSJSJAJJSJSJD#except its not for personal its for emergency LMAO like getting plete for tricycle n shit#looking at my notes apparently i wrote that sapphire and gold should be sergeants - i mean. i mean they can do the job but like#they're also kinda. insane so like - that's gonna be funny#sergeants are supposed to watch for their classmate's misconduct or stop anyone from fighting or whatever#that's all i wrote - i left the rest blank#about sapphire - i totally see her in my old classmate who was crazy about anime boys (except its franticshipping)#she's aggressive (to boys especially) but she also gets super UWU OMG KYAA BOYS <3 bitch THAT'S LITERALLY SAPPHIRE AND RUBY#that girl also acts tsundere at times so like. yeah you're sapphire coded girlie#ok thats all....#i kept this au to myself for like 2 months now PGPPTPTPTPGTP#pokespe hours#🍀 jil's rambling
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I either need to accept that I am just a way stronger person than this friend and can handle way more while still being able to engage with the world as a person, or recognize excuses as excuses, accept that I am not valued and be done or. Maybe both. Idk. It might be somewhere between the two. I am just sick of regular life stuff rendering him unable to spend any time with me, and of him being unable to bear any of the details of my life, when I would move mountains to rekindle our friendship. Though I'm starting to wonder if I still would.
#faer personal files#i just. really didn't want officiating his wedding to be our last hurrah of friendship even though i did kind of feel it coming#also i'm really sick of being infantilized for my chronic fatigue i am a grown adult and i know what i'm capable of#ugh. maybe i'm just being awful and not understanding in which case i'm too much of a rancid person to be his friend i guess#but i don't think that's the case#idk i'll never forget when i couldn't see this dude for a year even masked up outside for covid but when another of our old friends came up#from her job doing COVID RELATED CROWD CONTROL FOR THE FUCKING ARMY he went on a hike with her mask off#and i think that says a lot about what our friendship's been for years honestly. if he can't bear my company idk why i try#if i'm just an interesting prop for conversations and occasions but not a friend. i can't accept that#i am an interesting prop for conversations. the disabled genderfluid bisexual genius who lost everything bc of said disability#but i didn't lose everything i just have to fucking rebuild on new ground. and i am doing that. i whine on occasion but i am so strong#and i do know how to interact with people without traumadumping i haven't on him in YEARS but his concept of me crystalized at age 21#or something like that i guess. idk it just breaks my heart#bc for a long time he was my person. he was the only person who knew the authentic me. more even than my sisters at times.#and yeah that was a little unhealthy but at the time he craved that!!!#and then i grew up and stopped needing him like that around the same time he stopped wanting that and it should have been fucking fine#but like. even senior year of college when i was sick it was already starting to fall apart#like i remember being on a small hike once being exhausted and jokingly being like you gotta carry me back and then being like#no really i might actually need an arm to lean on by the end of this walk if i'm gonna make it back to the car i really don't know if i can#and he said no bc he didn't want to look straight. who the fuck CARES??? i could barely walk i was stumbling my way back annoying him going#too slow. fuck. and that really has been what our friendship has been for years. the minute my house wasn't the most convenient place it wa#more or less dead idk why i keep dragging this horse around#idk why i keep letting him break my heart like this it's so stupid he's never gonna care about me like he did when i was quick and brillian#but never quite as smart as him in his view. fuck him. i'm smarter. just bc i was a little gullible or paranoid at times bc of the#FUCKING CPTSD doesn't mean i was dumber than him. the fuck??? there's something wrong with me i swear idk why i hang on#anyway i'm irritated. but i'm also reluctant to throw away somebody who's seen me through key points in my life. so.
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