#makes me wonder if it's actually gonna be read until the end? 😅

[lastthroes]

Dreamwidth crosspost, as a reply to lrb:

1.    How many fics have you worked on since January?

I spent a good part of the year not doing much, mostly due to how unpredictable my health became. There’s way more I worked on that what ended up actually finished and posted. However, counting some non-exchange but still Anonymous works, and if my math is mathing right… I got twenty whole works posted! 🥳

2.    What’s something new that you tried in a fic this year? I made a conscious effort to focus on my descriptions. I feel that one of my strongest points is introspection, which often causes White Room Syndrome. Even if I might have not always been successful, I did force myself to actually remember there’s a world that exists outside of the characters too. It’s particularly noticeable in between a life that we expected and the way it’s always been and eigengrau which, besides the inclusion of interpersonal conflict, also count as worldbuilding exploration: F41DB AKA Victor’s original dimension, and then the world after the Julius Ending, respectively.

3.    What piece of media inspired you the most? (This can be the fandom you wrote the most for, the one that spawned the most ideas, the one you thought about the most, etc.) Xillia 2, much like the past year, and I predict a lot more of it for the new year to come as well.

4.    How many fandoms did you write for this year?

Legendia, Rays, Asteria, Xillia 2, Zestiria, Berseria,… That makes up for seven different canons. A decent amount of variety, in my opinion. 5.    What ships captured your heart?

Looks like it was Julius/Ludger taking the crown of having the biggest number of works! 6.    What characters captured your heart?

Victor, the Kresnik brothers, the earth siblings… Even if we add some new characters into the bunch, we stay mostly consistent. 7.    Did you write for any new fandoms or ships this year?

I sure did! Finally wrote for Rays like I had been meaning to since I came back to it after Crestoria’s EoS.

As for ships, in one hand, I got to write (and start the tags for) Rays!Victor and Asteria!Elle in from a missed connection, and then Asteria!Victor/Asteria!Elle in a rock upon which i stand. In the other hand, from here on in made me write Prime!Julius/Victor, then Julius/Ludger/Victor in living mirage, which also started its own tag.

I also got to write Legendia with Chloe/Shirley in a place to call home. This one is not really a new ship for me, but it is one I didn’t really had the chance to create anything for before. It’s also the ship that finally broke my shipcest streak. It wasn’t on purpose, but wow: I really wrote nothing but gen fic and incest for two years straight...

Finally, I also dipped my toes into Velvet/Eizen by writing them in an implied canon divergence with illiagne red. 8.    What fic meant the most to you to write?

That’s probably if i could start again, a million miles away.

A particular pet-peeve I have is the use of MCD for nothing else but shameless shock value, with cases like Fractured Milla and Dezel being the worst contenders: they get not only forgotten, but also effectively replaced by Prime Milla and Zaveid respectively. I wrote that fic as a response to how much the canon shrugs Ludger’s pain under the carpet, particularly in the context of the normal/neutral ending. The weight of the Trial and having to destroy all the dimensions, letting go of Milla’s hand knowing it’ll kill her and then, as the cherry on top, having to watch the two people he loved most killing themselves to save his life? Ignoring all this simply isn’t realistic.

… However, it’s also not the first fic that I ended up throwing into an unrevealed collection shortly after publication due to feeling disastisfied. It doesn’t help that it’s the kind of fic I’m reluctant to have anyone beta through it, less because of the length and more because of the content warnings.

So, for this question, I think I will cheat a little and choose "To show you a smile", a ship manifesto for Edna/Eizen. It’s a ship that’s very close to my heart. 9.    What fic made you feel the happiest to work on? Everything does, kind of? If I didn’t enjoy myself, why would I write it? I know it’s kind of a cliche answer, but that really is how I feel. 10.    What fic was the most satisfying to finish writing? Probably anything involving Rays, considering all the canon checking that it involves, which means from a missed connection, enemy lines, and perfect world in the cradle. And man, is Rays a complicated canon to be reviewing for… It comes with the territory of being a seven-years long game, but still. 11.    What fic was the most difficult to write? I’m going to go with the former answer again. They were both difficult and satisfying. 12.    What fic was the easiest to write? Not counting the ficlets, then the ship manifesto I mentioned earlier, "To show you a smile": I sat down and wrote ~4k of it in one go. It had been bouncing in my brain for so many years that it just flowed without issues once I finally told myself to do it.

13.    What were your shortest and longest fics posted this year? Shortest: unsaid, at 404 words. Sometimes a ficlet format is best for some stories, because what’s most important is what isn’t said out loud, much like the title implies.

Longest: if i could start again, a million miles away again, at ~20k words. But considering the aforementioned circumstances, looks like it’s eigengrau which gets the honors instead with ~11k words. 14.    What were your go-to writing songs?

This one’s easy if you recognize some titles, because they are parts of songs more often than not.

15.    What was the hardest fic to title? I usually let the fic simmer for enough time that I can come up with a decent title, but that wasn’t the case for a rock upon which i stand, just like it also wasn’t for illiagne red, because both of them were late treats. They went through several different title changes and I still don’t like what I settled with, they feel basic and boring... But well, what can you do. 16.    What's your favorite title of the year?

eigengrau, a German word for intrinsic gray, the not-truly-pitch-black that you see when you close your eyes. It ended up fitting the fic really well, considering the tone and the state of the world with Bisley’s full control. Or, as the fic itself puts it:

"No matter how twisted and submerged in darkness this world may be, it was the only one Julius knew that let them stay together. This was the world he had wanted, and not the perfect world he’d decided to push Ludger to create. This was the life they had chosen—both of them."

17.    Share your favorite opening line

"Regardless of how much he regretted it, the scorpion had still killed the frog in those stories Claudia always read to him.

Maybe it was just how things were meant to be. Maybe their differences were irreconcilable."

(From: binding blood.)

This intro is meant to foreshadow the ending. And, though this is a different tale (a fable that is probably popular enough to be recognizable, the scorpion that wanted to cross the river and then drowned from killing the frog because he couldn’t help it), I still vaguely wanted to connect it to Night on the Galactic Railroad, a popular japanese novel—I love thinking of Julius as the scorpion of fire mentioned in it. I have done a few references to NotGR in different Xillia 2 fics, and I cannot stress enough my disappointment at canon completely wasting the opportunity of referencing it, especially with the theme of sacrifice at the end and the train visuals from the first chapters. Besides, you already have a NPC in Drellin referencing real japanese literature with "Two-thousand Years of Solitude", or 『二千年の孤独』. 18.    Share your favorite ending line I am torn between two of them. First, from binding blood:

"Julius laughed feverishly, his whole body weight falling on Ludger’s open chest as he cradled his heart against him.

“I knew it…! I knew it… I knew you had a kind heart…”

The world faded into bright red."This unfortunately does not work well in English, but in Japanese 温かい can be read as warm (and blood is warm) and also kind—and Ludger’s kindness is the last thing Stribog!Julius remarks before he dies: “I know you have… a kind heart… And that’s why--I told you to stay away!”.

The second one comes from perfect world in the cradle:

"But Julius had been wrong. This dream wasn’t ending. This was not the end of their story. This was reality now: this blue and bright sky filled with hope was his—their—actual world now, and Julius’ heart swelled with possibilities.

Closed off from everything else, there was a chance that Tir Na Nog would someday fall into yet another crisis, but Julius realized he was at peace with that: he would face whatever new crisis that came head-on. Both of them would, always together." Just like the fic points out, Julius references quite a few times in Rays that everything is so good it just feels like a dream. This is also connected to Rays showing a close version of the perfect world he creates after completing his transformation into a divergence catalyst, one in which he can actually live happily with Ludger.

19.    Share your favorite piece of dialogue

"“Elle was meant to bring you to me. I would take your place and get to Canaan to restart my life as a true denizen of the prime dimension.”

Reincarnation would turn them into different people but, in a way, they would still be ‘Elle’ and ‘Ludger’. Left with no better choices, Victor had come to peace with such an end to their story: it was miles better than vanishing away.

“But Elle...”

“Yes, she didn’t know,” Victor confirmed before smirking. “You are in the house of the unrepentant man who dreamed of killing you for years, Ludger Will Kresnik of the prime dimension.”"

This is from enemy lines. I still cannot believe how Rays closed without ever addressing everything that Victor did (and everything else that he was planning to do) in the canon. Talk about a wasted opportunity. 20.    Share your funniest line

From perfect world in the cradle again: "“Rollo, my boy, come here. Let’s get you down, safe and round.”"

I wrote this one for an exchange, and both the beta and the recipient liked it, so it must be a good line! 21.    What's something that surprised you while you were working on a fic? Did it change the story? eigengrau went through a lot, and I really mean a lot, of changes. I had no idea back when I started it that it would eventually mutate into a whole AU—Most of what remained was the core concept of them running away and camping, of the news causing conflict between them, and of Julius worrying about Ludger while submerged in the night’s dark. Initially, the title as a reference didn’t work because I had forgotten about Canaan being in the sky permanently after you summon it (and until you complete the Trial), which means no sun and moons and perpetual purple-ish light, which also rendered the theme/concept I was using and I had titled the fic after unusable. Later, as I tried to fix it, I also realized that it was a total downer of a fic, which I couldn’t know if the recipient would like. As I envisioned how to fix that as well, I added the scene of them living happily in a random fractured dimension... And one thing led to another, and that is how I somehow wrote 11k for an exchange. But I also had a lot of time, so maybe it’s a sign that I shouldn’t be given that much time to write? Hah.

22.    What writing programs did you use? Did you write by hand? Well, I still use the 2007 version of Word… Device-wise, my now dead phone (I’d be lying if I said the life without a phone isn’t also kind of more relaxed), notebook margins,... just whatever I had close whenever inspiration struck.

("Boss makes a dollar, I make a dime 🎵 That's why I write incest on company time 🎵") 23.    If you had to choose one, what was THE most satisfying writing moment of your year? Some point of time as I worked in eigengrau and perfect world in the cradle, because I realized my writing was actually improving. If you compare any of them to some burdens are so in more ways than one, which was the first time I wrote in English in years, the difference is noticeable. 24.    Did you do anything special to celebrate finishing a fic? Ehhh, no, I don’t really do anything like that. 25.    How did you recharge between fics? This question assumes that I don’t post something and then open a different document next. 26.    Did you create fanworks other than fic? Besides the Edna/Eizen ship meta mentioned earlier, I did some art. Not much as I’d have liked to due to the circumstances: writing you can do it anywhere, but drawing? You have to be in front of your computer, with your drawing tablet, with no interruptions, with no painful and distracting illnesses… So just stay at hotel fenntasia, a place to call home which is an art to accompany the fic of the same name (and the first time in almost a whole year that I drew something), and avant-garde cooking. 27.    How many events did you take part in? (bangs, exchanges, ship weeks, zines, prompt memes, they all count!) Year of the OTP Prompt Event 2023, the Stuffed With Love multifandom incest exchange, Cestember 2024 (as well as the Microcest weekly event), the Tales of Secret Santa 2023 and 2024, and Yuletide—in which I also snuck a small treat for the Madness collection.

I also filled an old prompt for Tales of Spicy Cocktail 2022, as well as another one for the Tales of Prompts NSFW collection that was a crosspost. I imagine familyromantic’s shipcest contest on Tumblr counts as well. I really like participating in fandom events. Having a deadline forces me to actually get things done. 28.    If this were an awards show, who would you thank? Hah. I guess my friends who put up with my random ramblings as I try to figure out a plot, and of course everyone who’s left me a comment or a kudos. It’s very appreciated, especially when I seem to get nicher and nicher. 29.    What's left on your to-do list for 2024? I would say that the rest of my YOTP 2023 entries. I will try to finish them through 2025, even if the collection is closed and I can no longer submit.

I also would like to get properly back into drawing... There is a certain art trade that I have left hanging for so long that it’s a bit embarrassing. It was mainly caused by my deteriorating health, and later I got hit by the overwhelming "after such a long wait, I need to turn it into the absolute best drawing I have ever made" perfectionism, but still.

30.    What would you like to write next year? Some of the Eizen/Edna (maybe more like Edna/Eizen) ideas that keep bouncing inside my head. It’s my OTP among the OTPs for a good reason. The main thing that always stops me is that they literally never interact onscreen in canon (with crossover mobile games often coming up with wildly different interpretations—just look at how they speak to each other in Crestoria and then look at Asteria, for example). They also come from two different videogames that heavily contradict each other, which means I have to do a lot of reviewing and pick-and-choose. Xillia 2 has a very similar problem, but it’s also much easier to compartmentalize what doesn’t fit with the original game in terms of characters and worldbuilding. I also hope to get some claimed prompts done once Spicy Cocktail returns.

[faejilly]

Ok, I gotta know what “canon complicit” is for the WIP ask meme!

Mostly it's coda fic for individual episodes of the Shadowhunters TV show, to be honest, and there was a tumblr post about canon compliant vs complicit vs compatible which made me laugh so... [THIS, btw, is the version I saw, iirc]

I did specifically use it partly to be petty tho; when I got stuck on rewatching the show to do coda fic for the first two seasons (I was only actively fandoming at the same rate as the show for like, the very end of s2 into s3) I was also reading a lot of fic on AO3 and there was just... there was a lot of fic that seemed really out of character to me, and some of it was people who read and liked the books and were pulling aspects of characters from there (which I'm never gonna do because Clare is terrible) but some of it was people who were just... imho... wrong about my faves. (As people are wont to be, but we all must suffer in silence if we're not going to be assholes about it. 😅)

So some of the episode/fic notes in that folder are very specifically emphasizing aspects of the show's characterization that I particularly liked and was especially unlike fanon/book canon so there's a bit of spite!fic in there, yk?

Specifically I started and stopped like five different things where-in Alec is going to Pandemonium because I'm sad the show didn't let them hang out there, even if I understand that filming clubs is a pain and a half and they probably spent all their money on shiny swords and Magnus' wardrobe. (And I can't begrudge them Magnus' wardrobe because I enjoyed that tremendously, and I'm mostly even more indifferent to fashion than fanon!Alec.)

I was particularly proud of this bit in there, and istg I'm going to actually get it into something I publish eventually; it takes place in between s2 & s3, I guess? The timeline on this show is nonsense, don't worry about it. (Post soul-sword break-up & reconciliation.)

Magnus inches a little closer to Alec, until his knee bumps against Alec's shin. "If you're there as my boyfriend, especially a Shadowhunter, you're going to get a lot of attention." "So?" Alec flicks his fingers out, as if dismissing that. "You don't generally like people staring?" Magnus tilts his head, suddenly wondering if he knows Alec as well as he thought he did. Alec snorts. "Be hard to give a briefing with the entire Institute or a grumpy Council staring at me if that bothered me." "But..." Magnus waves his hands almost helplessly. He has no idea what to say to that. How did he get something this simple so wrong? "I don't like attention if I don't know what my role is, if I don't have, I don't know." Alec shrugs, as if he's not sure he's making sense, but he's going to keep going regardless. "Rules to follow? If I don't know what I'm supposed to do, or how I'm supposed to do it." Their entire relationship tilts slightly sideways in Magnus' head, and he sighs out a long shaky breath. Ohhh. "But you know how to be my boyfriend." "I'm not sure I do, considering." Alec's mouth twists, bitterness and regret and guilt, and Magnus has to hold in a wince. "I made myself think I had to keep all my roles separate, but that didn't work, that isn't possible, and I'd like..." He trails off again, a hint of a frown wrinkling its way across the bridge of his nose. "You'd like to try?" Magnus whispers. "Yeah." Alec ducks his head, the hint of a blush warming his face. "I want to do better this time." "So do I." Alec smiles, and his face is soft and Magnus has no idea what's happening, but he's certainly not complaining. "I didn't think you'd want to deal with a club." "Why wouldn't I be able to deal with a club?" Alec looks affronted, and his frown is back. Magnus bites his lip and lifts his eyebrows. "Clubs are full of people." Alec rolls his eyes. "I don't hate all people." "Darling." Magnus grins this time. "You like about six people in the entire world." "More like twelve." Alec lifts his chin, his eyes looking vaguely upward as if he's counting. His lips twist with amusement as he teases. "Alright, maybe ten."

[lukaslosteyelashes]

My Review of the Miraculous London Special, Part 1

I've watched the London special and I really wanted to write out my thought on it sooner but I got so caught up in reading and reblogging others’s posts that my thoughts got jumbled up.

Anyway, I really wanted to reflect on my theories that I wrote before the release of the episode and share my further speculations, thoughts and questions.

What this part contains:

The opening scene - I'm pondering some of my previous thoughts about Lila and how she utilizes the power of the Butterfly Miraculous.

The wish - A theory about what wish could have wiped out their future.

Let’s get to it!

Spoilers ahead ->

The opening scene

was quite impactful. We see a miserable Nooroo at Lila’s lair in an invisible force field or something of that sort, which is very interesting. I wonder how Lila was able to make it, maybe every Miraculous holder has that power over their Kwaims.

Then Timestalker appears and it reveals that it’s Lila herself which made me question some things about her.

Not gonna lie, I always thought that Lila could remember every instance she was akumatized, maybe except for the first one. So the fact that she needed the notebook to write everything down as a Timestalker so that she could get the information after she breaks from the Akuma’s effect, surprised me. That’s why the theories about Timestalker being a different person, precisely either Adrien or future Lila, were born in the first place. Also Gabriel, Nathalie and everyone who was able to break from the akumatization remembered what happened (if I remember correctly) so it's baffling why she can't. I want to think that she actually upgraded her Akumas, that it's different from the Akumas Gabriel were using and it's also different from the Mega Akumas. Someone pointed out that she wears the brooch upside down, different from how Gabriel wore it which might have some effect on the powers.

To be honest, I didn't understand Timestalker’s ability at first so I needed to rack my brain a little bit 😅, But after I understood it one thing become clearer: which is, how was Lila able to get the Butterfly Miraculous in her Edna disguise and find out Ladybug’s identity as Timestalker at the same time.

These two moments take place very close in time. But it still doesn't answer the question of how Lila knew that the Butterfly Miraculous will be lost in the rubble. Did she just guess or was she there for something else and found it by chance?

Anyway, my future Lila theory (that I briefly touched at the end of this post) wasn’t that far fetched, but instead of a couple years older Lila we got a couple hours older one and instead of having two of them from a completely different timeline, it’s the same Lila being both villains. Also the boxes had a different purpose than I originally thought.

So, after she de-akumatized herself, she read the notes then quickly akumatized herself again, using her bag this time and became Spectral Looter then disappeared to pay a heartwarming visit to Marinette to steal the Miraculouses. Then she made a wish?

The wish

I expected we would find out what she wished for and what she sacrificed for it, if she even sacrificed anything, but we didn’t. It kinda makes sense, we can’t discover Lilamoth's objective too soon.

At first I thought her wish might be Ladybug to never exist and I will continue to believe that until it is proven otherwise but with a little bit of a modification: she wished for either Marinette or Ladybug or both to not exist. Lila hates both of them with a burning passion and after she found out that the two of them are the same person, it kind of made things easier for her, it's enough to deal with one of them to get rid of both of them.

Like I said, we don't know what she's after so her wish could be literally anything but whatever was it, it was powerful enough to wipe out the future where Alix Kubdel is bunnyx completely and quite fast.

part 2 | part 3 | part 4

[murfpersonalblog]

IWTV S2 Ep3 Musings - Loumand

Last post, I promise; I needed another nap; this ep's a freaking rollercoaster. And these two queens nearly gave me a stress ulcer!

DEBATABLE, Louis. I can think of FAR worse vamps than you, love.

Why're y'all having this whole conversation where anyone can hear?

They got Sartre's wall-eyes down; good makeup this season, team! 👌

DreamStat's a Loumand bed-death truther, jfc. 😭

I wanna know EXACTLY what Armand sees--or "feels"--whenever DreamStat pops up in Lou's head. Cuz he clearly knows precisely where Les is; he looks right in his direction. But does he HEAR Les too? (God I hope not, this song would've had me SEETHING--Back to Hell with you! 😅)

"Oh dear" indeed; I was HOLLERING.

SAM WAS DEVOURING THIS SCENE HOLY GOD GO AWAY DEMON

Armand looked PISSED, I was scared for Louis' life! And he DOES know, actually, yes Lou. I can almost GUARANTEE that he knows PRECISELY where Lestat is AT THIS VERY MOMENT, yes Lou.

If only you knew.... 😬

Claudia's suffered more than Christ. And nice cut to Daniel sneaking around with Raglan James as Armand talks about Furies punishing "human wrongdoing." It's really interesting that Armand told the lawyer that LOUIS is the owner of the paintings. Is he the owner of the penthouse too? HOW MANY DEEDS DOES HE HAVE, ROLIN?

I wonder what AMC might be saying about Loumand's art collection, not just wrt what we know about art heist!Armand (which we'll likely see a nod to in Ep4 at the Louvre); but also wrt what we know about Dubai's godawful neocapitalist hellscape economy, and Loumand's "moralizing" about Parisian black markets in S01E02.

I wonder if that's the excuse Armand'll give the coven when Louis shows up for dinner in Ep4--very much NOT dead; and rips out Santiago's tongue.

WILD voice-over, cuz you KNOW that's what Santiago was thinking, too, LOL. (You wish, Francis.) But yes: Louis' finna end your whole career. XD

Another TERRIFYING jumpscare from the coven, like in Ep2 with Annika. Louis, I am shocked & appalled--can you not HEAR all these vamps planning your bloody murder around you? CLAUDIA! WTF!?

But this is how you know Armand's true personality--he hates getting his hands dirty. He kills all the time, but he makes his victims' deaths pretty. He'd rather sit back & let Lestat/Louis come in and wreck his whole coven, even though he has the power to just light those mofos up all on his own! I wish AMC emphasized a bit more that Armand not only writes/directs the plays--he's an ACTOR, too. And istg he's an expert at PRETENDING to be helpless, meanwhile he's the strongest vamp that's NOT one of the Children of the Millennia (thanks to how well Marius made him).

Armand, that is LOW; waiting until Claudia's stuck under the oaths b4 you tell her she's guilty of breaking Great Laws she doesn't even know about yet. WTF?

How TF you gon' hold Louis accountable for following the Laws when he wasn't even allowed to be in the effing room when they were read!? He's not even a member! WTF! (I get it--any rogue vampires are subject to death, yadayada; we know it's a stupid policy.)

I love how he plans to leave by himself here--it had nothing to do with picking "another one" over Claudia. He just didn't want to hold her back anymore. And his presence was causing problems. 😭 It's so cute that Louis' stipulation about London was that if it's "too large" he'd leave and go to Ireland (?!?)--he's become agoraphobic or something? He just wants to be alone in his hermit hole--MOOD. 😭

Good to get confirmation that the Fire Gift here is Armand and blessedly NOT Santiago--so why's he zooming around in the sewers?

Look, sometimes folks make terrible first impressions--Lestat was being hella racist, Louis' always playing defense, Armand was finna kill Louis in a gay public park. It happens.

Foreshadowing like crazy, as usual.

WILD thing to say. I'm gonna cry, please stop.

(What kinda hypocrisy is that, when you were made young your dang self!?) She's already 30+ years old--maybe she'll last a little longer if y'all (read: sexist, racist, ageist, ableist, etc society) don't eff around tryna make her life even harder! But AMC's deliberately cutting Claudia's life in half, compared to the books, cuz misogynoir's real and Claudia gets NOTHING out of vampirism, not even a fair chance. And y'all let her into the coven KNOWING how much she loves y'all, and KNOWING y'all were gonna kill her. EFF THIS WHOLE COVEN, ARMAND INCLUDED. (Lemme calm down--this kind of betrayal is exactly how Lestat must've felt in S01E07; I get it; they're getting a taste of their own medicine. But LESTAT EFFING HAD IT COMING. The coven should've just told them: y'all got til sunrise to GTFO our territory, you're not welcome here. This whole bit's unnecessary.)

THE PARALLELS ARE PARALLELING

SKILL ISSUE. Cuz Louis' got the least power, and he's finna clear that whole bish out in just a couple episodes. 🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥

Louis, love, ARMAND DON'T GIVE A EFF ABOUT RAISING SOME OTHER MAN'S OFFSPRING. This is the call of the wild, as Alphas KILL the children their stolen Omega brides had for other Alphas/Betas, so he can restart the gene pool with HIS DNA instead. I know y'all had National Geographic back then already--READ A BOOK, Louis, it's what you're best at.

Incredible. After all of that Louis said Lestat never broke him. BENT BUT NEVER BROKEN, that's right! 💪😤

Boy, we're not talking about some little (unrequited) CRUSH over a man you only knew for a few months (which you've CLEARLY not gotten over yet). Louis was MARRIED to the man for 30 YEARS. This is his MAKER. Lestat knew his whole family; went to the Black cookouts and everything! They literally built a home AND business together! They raised a child together! WHATCHU KNOW ABOUT THAT!?

And that's LESTAT'S DAUGHTER TOO--how much can you possibly love EITHER of them while planning to knock her off!? I can't listen to too much more of this. *hands Louis the torch and scythe*

Beautiful end of this STACKED episode. Incredible work, AMC! Jacob acted his PANTS off; he excels at the trembling voice, agonized facial expressions, and utter mental breakdowns. He's pulling DEEP within him, holy god; it's so raw, it's almost hard to watch. EMMY WHEN?!

[lover-of-mine]

Hi Anna 🥰

First, can you believe we got a HUG???? After what? 66 episodes?

Second, I REALLY want to know your thoughts on the expression Eddie made when he realized Tommy was gay. It's the same expression he wore when Shannon asked for a divorce, I think. The "I've been reading this entire thing wrong" face. But why do you think he was so stunned by the fact *Tommy* wasn't straight? I think he was realizing that the way he and Tommy interact differs So Much from the way he and Buck do, but I don't know (running on no sleep again this week, forgive me if none of this makes any sense 😅)

I feel like he wasn't as surprised to learn about Buck because he's doing that "first to understand thing" or at the very least had a hunch about it.

hi baby 🩷🩷 we got a hug, was is over �� and we know Eddie is gonna be all over Buck next episode too, so like wins all around.

So, that expression, that did look like his "you're altering my world view" expression and we have a few options there. There's the funny one, the "was Tommy trying to woo me?" possibility, Tommy did fly him to Vegas for ringside seats, yk? And just having a minute about it lol. But the thing is the episode proved Eddie is deeper in denial than anticipated (rip Eddie fell first essay you will always be true in my heart), but like I said with the whole Eddie is last to see, first to understand, where Buck needs more time, Eddie needs a heavier hit, I don't think just the idea of Buck dating someone would trigger something, he needs to see something or Buck needs to do something, I don't know what rn, I just reblogged a post about the possibility of Buck saying he's in love with him before Eddie is ready to deal with it, and I can totally see that, you can have things ending abruptly with Tommy, Eddie wondering why, Buck being unable to lie to him about it and Eddie being slammed into the realization by something going ridiculously wrong (I will never stop pushing for my Buck drowning in the season finale, so you could do a situation where Buck confesses in some level like saying "Tommy thinks I'm in love with you", something goes wrong, Buck almost dies on him again and he's like oh fuck, and then you have that conflict transfer to season 8 while we wait for them get their shit together) because we all know that "it doesn't change a thing between us" is gonna come back around, same with the Maddie talk, but I also think they need to give the audience some indication that Eddie likes men and/or Buck before Buck can say that. But I just went on a tangent. Tommy. I think Tommy being as similar to Eddie as he was set up to be isn't just about Buck working out the kinks before Eddie, also I can't believe Lou actually said that completely unprompted, but I don't think it ever occurred to Eddie that someone like him could be into men too. Because Eddie spent his whole life doing the right thing in a very twisted way. He got his girlfriend pregnant, so he married her, he joined the army to provide for her and Chris, the show keeps implying he's looking for a mother to Chris, not an actual partner, with these "proper latina women". He loved Shannon, and he thinks he can recreate that. BUT he has a partner, who's not only helping him with life, he's also helping him with Chris, so he checks both boxes. But he's also a man. So he never had a reason to look at it. Until that partner started dating another man, who's extremely similar to him. The pieces for him to be like "oh, that's an option?" are literally all there. He literally said "you and Tommy have it right". Like literally. The seed is planted. The thought is there. At any moment, this man can look at Tommy being that sure of his sexuality and his masculinity and liking a lot of the things he does and also liking Buck, and being like "maybe men are an option" that would lead to an "is Buck an option?" that could give us some nice movement.

I think the question here is who the show wants to reach the "oh am I in love with him" conclusion first. They both have most of the pieces of the puzzle, Buck has more because he has the attraction to men piece, but I maintain that Eddie would be less freaked out about the liking men aspect of loving Buck then Buck would the other way around. It's kinda like we kept writing feeling realization fics where Eddie was totally fine with the idea of wanting to fuck Buck through the mattress but panicked at the idea that he wanted to hold his hand but Buck was the other way around. There's also the problem of what label they are going to give Eddie. Even if most likely it will be just indirectly. I feel like the episode actually even kinda gave us enough to argue that man as demiromantic, but I digress, they doubled down on him loving Shannon, so you kinda can't go the strictly gay route, and he's not stereotypically bi, but obviously who needs stereotypes and it would kinda be nice to see some bi4bi thing that's not stereotypical, and they can go the who cares, he loved Shannon, now he loves Buck route which I think would be the most plausible? Considering they are probably not gonna go there with the demisexuality of it all. And also depends on how attached they want Buck to be to his queer awakening. I think the realization that he's into men and in love with Buck are tied together, but that's a personal opinion, I think his brain would accept the attraction to men and instantly attach that to Buck. But they could very much give Eddie a man to explore things with too. Circling back to the look, I kinda think that was a "I didn't know a guy like Tommy could like men" that's just slightly to the left of the realization of "I didn't know a guy like me could like men" and that could come back to help him get there.

[excelsior9173]

Sleep Oil?

Ok so Sleep Prayer Oil (yes from sleep token)??

-olive oil for the vibes, I usually use grape seed as a carrier, but the vibes of olive oil are what I’m feeling for this.

-Pachouli (sleep aid, and also VERY sensual)

-Mugwort (for astral/dream work)

-Lemon Balm (love, dreamwork, healing)

-Lavender (sleep aid, but intense dreams)

-rosemary (creativity)

-peppermint essential oil (money/prosperity)

-Grapefruit essential oil (mental clarity)

Ok, so here is my list, copy pasted from my notes app so that is why the formatting and wording is all weird lol, of all the herbs and oils I’d include in a sleep prayer oil, and all my reasonings.

But I freaking. Listen, I don’t believe sleep is a real god, but when I was like ‘what would I put in this’ my mind kept going back to rosemary, and I was like ‘why tho?’ And the first thing that popped up when I searched for herbs for creativity was rosemary and I just said ‘ok. Sleep wants that in there’.

I cant make this rn, cause… I am not uhhh ‘practicing’ (my practice is gathering knowledge until I can move out), but I want to 🤣. I wonder if I could get by with substituting lemon oil for lemon balm, cause I have access to essential oils, but not herbs and putting them jars lol. I could honestly say this was a blend for seizures and I wouldn’t even be completely lying….. I’d actually just have to buy the patchouli and mugwort 🤣🤣🤣…. I’m so tempted. I’ll let you know if I do it or not😂 or maybe I just leave out the mugwort and patchouli for right now? I feel like the others have everything covered, but the first two where more like the pa-pow of the oil, idk if this makes since? Like those are the main two and if I was making this for real, I would do only a little bit of the other ingredients, and a lot of the main two, but if I’m not including them I’d do more of the others…. Fuck it I’m gonna end up making this, oops. (But probably with grape seed oil, since this is an essential oil blend… I’ll be back with more notes I’m so sorry).

Edit: this just keeps getting longer longer sorry; went to gather the oils, realized we do indeed have patchouli! But not rosemary… thinking of substituting oregano for rosemary…. And maybe clary sage for mugwort?? Hmmm. Lots of thoughts. Same associations for both things as the list above… ok I have to be done now I’ll come back and tell you if it smells good in a different ask lmao.

Sorry for info dumping to you about a silly little oil, but I was having fun with it.

What would go in your version of it, if you don’t mind me asking👀 I know you said you where doing your own research on it, and I’m curious🥰.

i have sat on this for waaaayyyyy toooo long but university was absolutely kicking my ass for the last… month and a half? idk i was going through it for a hot minute 😅

but! finally getting to tuck into some research now that i’m done school for the term and have a quiet day at work. (this is gonna get hella long cuz i’m having a lot of fun researching and i’m gonna use this as a sounding board a bit as i read)

so! first thing i’m learning is that intention is a huge part of this (i knew the intention part already, part and parcel with working with tarot!)

i think given that sleep is introduced to us as some sort of deity, i would probably make a ritual anointing oil.

the carrier oil itself is another question. i think since sleep feels like a deity not easy to commune with (the intensity and allegory in the music makes me think that, if we were worshipping a true god, conversing with sleep takes a toll on the devotee). with this in mind i think grapeseed oil might make a decent base. it is a good choice for anything used to anoint the body (which i feel would be part of this ritual oils use, if we must dream to encounter sleep then anointing the body makes the most sense to me!) and it is ruled by the moon and water element- making it very fitting for sleep token! grapeseed oil is also useful for blends that intend to boost/strengthen mental abilities (it also helps with fertility magic and given the lyrical content at times- seems somewhat fitting) another useful aspect for a ritual for sleep. i do like the vibes of olive oil as well, and it’s a very versatile ingredient but i don’t think i’d like feeling it on my skin so grapeseed it is! (also my local magick shop has grapeseed oil so easy for me to obtain lol)

now the fun part- the essential oils!

(i’m realizing as i write this that i need to purchase a grimoire so i can start recording my research and recipes…)

so this part has taken me a lot longer to fiddle with, not only finding the right associations but also smells i enjoy, but i think I’ve got it!

- sandalwood (its grounding, promotes inner peace, aphrodisiac) [i went back and forth here between sandalwood and cedar, same associations but i prefer the scent of sandalwood]

- lavender (promotes sleep, reduces stress, pretty straightforward lol)

- patchouli (grounding, sharpens your wit, good for prayer work) [loooove the smell too, i’d do anything to naturally smell like patchouli lol, hippy association be damned]

- mugwort (astral projection, lucid/prophetic dreams, meditation)

- lemon balm (love, healing, astral projection, it also amplifies the effects of other herbs)

- clary sage (vivid dreams, divination)

i keep going back and forth on whether or not to add clove, it’s another aphrodisiac and also good for treating insomnia so i think it would fit? but i’m not 100% sure on it yet lol. my familiarity with essential oils and herbs is very minimal

but yeah! now to get the oils and mix. not sure exactly how the mix will come about, will need some trial and error with it i think! again, sorry this took me so long but here we are! finally i did it!

[deathbxnny]

Naaaaah, forget the kitchen Bxnny. We're burning down the whole damn building!

Jokes aside, I've noticed that as well lol. Honestly, angst can be so oddly... satisfying, I guess? To conceptualize and make. I don't quite know how to describe it, but I hope you get the idea 😅

And no like, that's so brilliant tho??? Arlecchino's fear of "Mother" leaving their turning their relationship into this semi-toxic codependence sorta situation, if I'm reading what you're putting. This actually adds a lot on to that idea I've been wanting to talk about. Some of the details, but the main one is that the rift that Arlecchino's metaphorical distance (potentially mixed with an element of possibly overly controlling aspect of their relationship on The Knave's part, from fear of further loss) + the conflicting desires on how they want to bring the children of the House of Hearth up (plus maybe some additional details that perhaps we just haven't thought about yet) just puts too much strain on the relationship on "Mother's" end, and so she decides to... - well, there's not a more elegant way to put it - files for a divorce. She still wishes to care for the children of the Hearth, but she can no longer do it as The Knave's wife, no matter how much she may love her... (which I can't imagine is going to go over super well with Arle, even if she doesn't outwardly show it. Though "Mother" would probably be able to read her. Though, will all the talk of Arle intentionally dragging her down, being the greatest hurdle in her path to true recovery… it leaves one to wonder…)

On a sidenote: all the ocean allegory in my previous ask gave me an idea for something unrelated to the “Mother of The Hearth” series. You'll have to wait until May to find out what that is though 😉🤭

X Anon

-----♡

Ugh we are such geniuses, X Anon. The angst, the drama, the heartache, the everything! It's so good and tasty, I'd love to write about it!! There is so much pain to work with, it will be phenomenal lmao-

Also, I'm gonna look forward to your unrelated idea then hehe!! Your mind always cooks up great ideas, so I'm excited to know what you have planned for us!<3

-----♡

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #305 (Part 1)

I am thoroughly exhausted!!! But I'm in amazing spirits!!!

My friends BB and N's wedding was today!! And I got lots and lots of pictures for you!! So many that I'm not gonna be able to fit them all in one entry in this space! So I'm gonna break today's letter into multiple parts!!

So... I did actually end up painting my toenails last night. C brought all kinds of pretty nail polish, and everyone else was doing it, so I wanted to be part of the group.

Well. There's one problem with that. The fact that there were so many means that I couldn't choose. And if you've been reading my letters up until this point, I'm sure you already understand very well what I did!

...

...That's right!!! I used ALL OF THEM!!!!!!! 🤩🤩🤩

...Now... you'll see that there's only 4. And that's okay because I opted not to paint the nail of my littlest toes. That's because there's almost no nail there, and I'm super clumsy, and it was gonna be covered by my shoe anyway. So I didn't bother!!!

The rest are very pretty, though! But I had to fix one of them; I almost never paint any of my nails for any reason, so I had absolutely no idea what the heck I was doing, haha! 🤣😅

...And that's okay. There are lots of ways to have one's soul installed into an XX-style body, and all of them are correct! Yes, even if one decides to transition to an XY-style body! That is also correct! Though I am a woman in the same way that a tomato is a fruit, it is still a correct way to be!

That's because there's more than one correct way to be a human! And isn't that liberating?

In any case, we got up bright and early (or rather... dark and early???) to get in a limousine:

...They're a little too fancy for me, haha... 😅But this is what BB wanted, and so I happily got in, along with C, Mg, BB, and BB's sister!

And inside, there were shifting rainbow lights! Check it out!

Mg is extremely lively!!! She decided that once she got to the venue, she was going to make a drink for herself in every color of the rainbow!!

...I would surely be in dire straits if I attempted any such thing, given that I get woozy just on half a glass of wine, haha! But, more power to her! The world takes all kinds of people, doesn't it?

We got to the place when the sun was starting to come up. I took some more pictures for you:

From there, I helped carry some things inside. Here's the limousine in the light:

...I think they're actually a little bit scary-looking. I'm not really sure why. I wonder if you've seen these or been in these before. I wonder if you feel the same.

We got to the place where the bride and the bridesmaids are supposed to go. They had snacks!!

...And also mimosas, I guess!

We spent a while talking amongst ourselves and watching things on YouTube until the hair dresser and makeup artist arrived! We were in a different section of the bridal suite for that:

...But it was gonna be a while before it was my turn to sit in the chairs with the ladies, so I wandered around and took more photos for ya:

...And that's my photo limit for this section of the letter. Darn!

But that's okay!!! I'll just write another section!!! It's easy!! It's always easy to write to you, and I don't want you to miss anything!!!

...You've already missed out on so many things, and... it's not fair. But I can show them to you! I'm gonna try to show you as many beautiful things as I can!!

So just sit tight, okay?? I'll be right back in just a little bit!!! I promise!!!

I love you!!! I'm gonna get started on the next section!!!!

Your friend, Lumine

[tenrousei-kuroi]

Your answer to anon's question about your favorite character makes me wonder: what was you first incest ship? Also, do you think there's a particular reason this kind shipping that piqued your interest?

oh you’re so silly, my first naughty ship was Sirius/Regulus of course!

but now that I think about it, it was sort of a weird winding journey to get there 🤔

I think like a lot of people I had a bit of a crush on Sirius black as a child, so he was my favorite Harry Potter character from early on, and then when I started flittering about the internet looking for fan content, I gravitated towards him

one of the first fics I ever wrote was Unable are the Loved to Die and that was wayyyy back in…oof, 2005? Between Books 5 & 6, sometime when I was either in late elementary school or early middle school. And contrary to the fic’s final form on FF.net a few years later, it was originally….not overtly incestuous 😝 I think I *wanted* it to be though. Because it still *felt* that way, my preteen brain probably just hadn’t really realized just what it was I wanted to explore.

then I discovered LiveJournal, a little past its prime unfortunately, but back then a lot of accounts and blogs were still up so I dove in *deep* and ended up finding a Sirius Black big bang that I gobbled up, and it was all pretty normal gen or Sirius/Remus stuff (that pairing was called “puppy shipping” back then)….until…the last posted fic in the fest showed up, which was written by a woman named Annie who, according to her LJ, was a classic lit major (We can already tell this is a dangerous combination for someone as pretentious as me).

her fic was called Palimpsest and it had the most gorgeous art by a creator called magrat_me. It was also explicit Sirius/Regulus, the first I’d ever seen. And I fell SO HARD in love with it.

the fact that the first incest fic I read was so beautifully crafted and written by someone with actual literature experience was probably a big factor in why the pairing stuck with me so hard. I bounced from that author’s profile to a bunch of other LJ folks with similar levels of syrupy, pretentious, flowery writing styles and in the course of like a week I think I read every Sirius/Regulus and James/Regulus fic on the site

I wish I could have chatted more with that author because everything I’ve ever written has literally been her fault. But she was a real adult and had clearly moved on from most of LJ and fandom by the time I found her stuff so I just sort of lurked. I did reach out once, years later when I saw the links to Palimpsest were broken and I felt like I might *die* because of it. (Idiot me hadn’t yet learned the hard lesson of saving online content.) And she was sweet enough to not only respond to a DM on a site she hadn’t touched in years but also to resend me the fic 😭 which I now guard quite closely, it’s not gonna get away from me again lol

after my fall into degeneracy I actually went back and changed that first fic I wrote, Unable are the loved to die. It’s properly cesty now, as it was always meant to be 😅

modern discussions about the morality of consuming questionable fiction and protecting children from iffy fic content and such always seems so alien to me because it never came up in my own formative fandom years. (I’m sure it was around, I just skirted by it.) no one anywhere at any point in time in my early days of hoovering up every Sirius/Regulus fic I could find mentioned anything about it being “wrong”. So I never internalized any guilt or shame or confusion. When teenage-me realized how dark my fiction preferences were turning it seemed pretty clear why.

I just find it interesting. I have a pretty normal and stable life, and so the darker and more bizarre corners of humanity are fascinating in a way that happiness just isn’t. “Well adjusted person lives life of moral correctness” is just zero percent interesting to me. And I’ve never felt it went deeper than that.

I’ve always been confident in my ability to consume media critically, and without the need for the works themselves to guide me directly towards the correct opinion. Looking back now this is largely thanks to my mother and her willingness to share any book with me that I wanted to read, and get me to any film I wanted to see. Sometimes things would be scary or wrong or offensive but that just meant it was time to think about *why* and get some good practice handling those feelings.

my family doesn’t read my fanfiction, but they all *know*. My partner in particular is a pretty good sport, love him lol. But my mother has read a bit of my original fiction, which is all just as deranged. And the only question she’s ever asked in response to forty chapters of brothers fucking and murdering each other is: “when are you going to get off your ass and publish something people can buy?���

now that I’ve spewed out an entire confessional on how I became infected with a fifteen year-long Sirius/Regulus brain rot and then diverged into a topic you didn’t even *ask* about…how about you?

let me know if your journey was just as crazy or if you’re a normal person 😅

[knightotoc]

The only Jedi who's ever gone to the Outer Rim and caused more good than harm is Kerra Holt. In chronological order:

- Tom Veitch foretold the trend (as he foretold everything) when he had City Boy On His First Mission Ulic Qel-Droma try to rescue the princess on Onderon (not technically Outer Rim in current canon but whatever), only to completely misinterpret the situation since the princess was getting kidnapped on purpose to marry her love. Ever since then every Core World Jedi going to the Outer Rim has also misinterpreted the situation and/or not assessed the needs of the people they are trying to help, leading to some dreadful cosmic tragedy. In Ulic's case, this small mistake was soon resolved, but in the back-and-forth of wars that resulted from this mission Ulic fell to the Sith and killed a ton of people, ending with a weak ass redemption of mansplaining forgiveness to a catgirl

- Nomi Sunrider stopped the Sith by... burning down a rainforest

- Revan (or as I like to call them, knock off Ulic Qel-Droma) did stop the Mandalorian takeover out there, but only after falling to the Dark Side themself. And what's worse, they took Malak with them. Half the time they clean up their mess, the other half they make it worse, and either way they go further into the galaxy -- bad idea!

- the Jedi Exile blowed up a planet out there. At least they felt sorry about it

- idk SWTOR 😅

- GOAT Kerra Holt goes to the Outer Rim for a specific purpose (free the people from the Sith governments) and works her butt off to accomplish this, even putting a stop to corrupt drug running from the unhelpful Republic. I have a theory that the only reason future Jedi don't learn from her is (not bc she got written just before the Disney merger but) bc she was never able to return home to Coruscant and teach the others :(

- reading The High Republic rn, and this seems to be the main theme of the series, or at least my main takeaway. In the main storyline, the Republic (+ Jedi) build Starlight Beacon for no specific purpose and do not set up any kind of infrastructure to allow the local people to actually reap its benefits. My man Tia Toon calls them out and nobody listens to him except me. Unconvincing post-9/11 villains the Nihil destroy the Beacon, which falls into a local planet and kills a ton of people. Of course the Jedi had good intentions, but so did Ulic, Revan, and the Exile

- in the side storyline, Cohmac Vitus tries to cleanse some evil artifacts and ends up unleashing the Drengir (aka, sanitized Yuuzhan Vong)! This is what inspired me to write this post bc I just read this, and wtf man! It's such a clear example of "don't mess with the dark side if you refuse to study it." This situation really was fine until the Jedi tried to help! He does feel sorry about it too, I wonder of he's gonna turn evil from guilt

- most famously Qui Gon went into the Outer Rim incidentally to his political mission, saved Anakin while he was there with an elaborate Ben Hur reference, but did not save his mom or consider the affects on the community not to mention the boy, which ultimately lead to Darth Vader

- anakin sand ppl

- you'd think Luke and Leia going to Tatooine and killing Jabba would make things better, but according to the Mando TV show everything is still pretty fucked over there

- I guess Rey caused more good than harm by going to Exegol and killing poor old palpatine; it is sad that Kylo had to die, but she forgot him so ig we should too lol

[neverland-l0stgirl]

I wrote a lengthy blog post about my experiences in NY for the Japan Parade. I’m definitely the main character of my post, so don’t read if you don’t like that kind of stuff. The parts focusing on the Kimetsu float are between the ~~~ marks. Please also excuse any grammar and spelling mistakes 🙏

⬇️⬇️⬇️

I went to NYC this past weekend to see Sakamoto Shogo-kun as Tanjiro in the NYC Japan Parade. I don’t really read manga or watch anime anymore, so I’m mainly there to support Shogo-kun himself 🥰

I debated for a long time whether I would go. Planning a trip just for a celebrity is not really something I would usually do, but going to NYC alone IS exactly the type of thing I might do 😅 Because I love theater so much, I would honestly fly to NY just to wander around and watch a bunch of Broadway shows.

Anyways, so there is a little backstory of how I decided to go…

Last month was my birthday, and Shogo-kun happened to livestream on his Openrec account the day before. I sent him a paid comment telling him that it was my birthday and that I was happy to see him livestream right before my birthday 🥳 I had wanted to tell him “MAYBE I’ll see you in NY as well” just to be polite. I’m a very self-conscious, people-pleasing type of person. It seemed rude to me to write a comment just to point out how it was my birthday 😓 However, there was a character limit, and the stream was about to end. In a moment of panic, I just typed “See you in NYC” in English. Because I told him that, I thought I had to keep my promise and go 🥲 He even acknowledged it and said something along the lines of, “ah, I wonder if I would see you.” My friend asked me later why I didn’t just say “Have fun in NY.” Well… I can’t think clearly in a moment of panic, okay?! 😭

Anyways, so that was the reason. I’m not gonna lie, the entire time, I felt a little silly to be doing this. I honestly feel like I’m too old to still be chasing idols around and not focus on adult things that proper adults should be focusing on…

Before I went, my otaku friend told me I should make uchiwa with Shogo-kun’s name. I did plan on bringing a sign of some sort with Shogo-kun’s name, but I guess the proper way to do it was to make uchiwa, right? 😅 I wasn’t able to buy blank ones in the US nor did I order them in time to be shipped to me before the event; however, 13 years of US compulsory schooling taught me nothing but arts and crafts right?! (no, actually my middle/high school were very academically rigorous 🥲, but I also did do lots of arts and crafts!). I ended up making uchiwa from black poster board with popsicle sticks on the inside as structural support. It was a fairly easy crafts project until my superglue EXPLODED, and then it became a disaster. Up close, there was glue everywhere, but from far away, they looked alright.

But remember how I said I was a very self-conscious person? I was sooooo embarrassed by the thought of holding up the uchiwa’s but only because I knew I would probably be the only person who had them. If I went to a TouMyu show where everyone had uchiwa, I wouldn’t have minded at all. Anyways, it was with these kinds of feelings that I left for New York.

Before going to New York, I was really worried about the weather since it seemed like it would be cold and rainy [as a Californian, anything below 65F (18C???) is extremely cold 🥶]. BUT the weather was amazing on the day of the parade. It was literally cold and rainy the days before and after. Shogo-kun is really prone to sunburns though, so I hope he was alright. I hope the heavy stage makeup he wore protected him from the sun 😬

On the day of the parade, I got to the parade location very early. I knew I was going to be waiting around for a while since the Kimetsu float was scheduled to come out pretty late in the event, but I was already too tired from the previous couple of days to really want to be doing anything else, so I just waited and chatted with the volunteers. I ended up waiting about an hour before I saw the Kimetsu float. In the first hour, I spent some time waving to the kids in the parade and anyone else who looked excited to be a part of the parade. In my youth, I did a lot of performance arts (I also started doing them again as an adult!). I thought about how sad I would be if I were performing, but the patrons didn’t seem too excited to see me, so I tried my best to smile and wave at people in the parade even if I had no idea what their organization was all about 😅

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Finally, I saw the Kimetsu float! The official event website said it would be less crowded the farther away you are from 72nd street, so I made it up to 79th street. I held out my uchiwa’s as soon as I saw the float. I think Shogo-kun’s castmates saw them before he did 😅 When he finally saw them, he made a face like 😮 and started waving to me while mouthing “thank you” 🥰 It was my first time meeting him, and I wanted to appear as normal as possible 🤣 so all I did was smile and wave. He waved to me until I was out of his sight. After that, I tried to chase the float a little. I picked another spot down the street and waved my uchiwa’s at him again. He waved to me again until I was out of his sight. I tried to chase the float some more, but the farther down I got, the more crowded it became, so it was really impossible to chase the float anymore.

People were sooooo excited to see Kimetsu, I was honestly pretty surprised. I didn’t know us Americans were THIS into Kimetsu haha. There were kids and adults, men and women who shouted “Tanjiro!” and “Inosuke!” at the top of their lungs. There were people professing their love to all the characters 😅 There was even a Japanese girl on stilts (she might have been in the parade) who was going CRAZY for Tanjiro. I’m happy to see people being this passionate about Kimetsu 😆 It would have sucked to come all this way to a lackluster crowd.

At the end of the parade, the cast of Kimetsu sang a little bit and performed a couple fight scenes. The people who got to see them from the front all wore a badge of some sort. They were probably important city officials and event planners or the press. Most of the fans only got a side view or a back view. It’s not a big deal, though, since the portions I couldn’t see well were all captured by the press and posted online. I was standing on the west side at this point where it was very crowded. I ended up crossing the street after the performance to the east side where it was less crowded. After the show, the Kimetsu cast did a prolonged interview session. At this point, I couldn’t see them at all, but I was too lazy 😅 to cross the street again. Also, I did not want stand where I could have been captured in pictures or videos with my uchiwa’s by the press 🫣 The fans on the west side were able to see their backs. Around this time, some fans holding signs for Sato Yugo-kun and Yazaki Hiroshi-san spotted my uchiwa’s, and we started excitedly waving and giggling at each other 🤭. It was so nice to make a connection with other fans of the actors!! I was also super glad (and no longer embarrassed 😅) that I brought the uchiwa’s ☺️. Would Shogo-kun have been sad if there were supporters of Yugo-kun and Yazaki-san but not himself??

At the end of the interview, Shogo-kun ran up to the fans standing on the west side and high-fived them all! He was particularly excited to see the fans who came out to support Yugo-kun and Yazaki-san 😊 Finally, he came to my side. He saw my uchiwa’s again and waved to me while mouthing “thank you” again. He did this even after he got back on the float to leave the event 🥺 I told him “Thank you for coming!” I hope he heard me 😅

Shogo-Kun really brought his best fanservice game. He smiled SO randiantly and waved a lot and said some phrases in English and Japanese like “How are you, New York?!” and “Thank you!” I’m sure he said more things that fans were able to see in the online streams, but it was so hectic that I personally don’t really remember what else he said 😓

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I kind of regret not trying to high five him when he got close enough, but as I have mentioned, I’m, uhhhh, very self-conscious people-pleasing 😭 Shogo-kun is very people-shy, right? I honestly didn’t want to make him feel uncomfortable 🥺 just in case he didn’t want to shake hands or whatever. I also didn’t want to shout his name. I don’t know if himself or people who came to see Kimetsu would have minded that I would be breaking his character a little. There were a couple girls who were shouting “Shogo-kun” though. And also grown ass men shouting “Tanjiro I love you!” and doing finger hearts 🤣

Because I was holding uchiwa’s and trying to wave to Shogo-kun, I couldn’t take any videos of our interactions. I also thought it would have been impolite to stick a camera in his face while he was making eye contact with me (self-conscious people-pleasing amirite or amirite 😳). Because of this, our interactions only live inside my memories (and maybe his????? 🤷🏻‍♀️). From what I can remember, every time I brought out my uchiwa’s, he only waved at me and no one else. Whether that’s true or not, I don’t know, but that’s how I remember it. I wonder if anyone next to me at the time who came to see Tanjiro felt disappointed at all that he only waved to me 😬 I hope they also got their fair share of fanservice 😬😬

Shogo-kun and his castmates really worked sooooo hard on this trip. They arrived midday Thursday, attended a rehearsal on Friday, and the event was on Saturday. They flew back to Japan midday Sunday and have all arrived safely 😊 They barely had time to go sightseeing at all, and at least Shogo-kun and Yugo-kun were suffering from pretty terrible jet-lag, so they might have spent a lot of time sleeping 😢 I also thought the event planners would at least spend a day showing them around the city since they were literal guests to the city and were supported by the Japanese-American consulate, but it seemed like they were on their own 🙁 I also don’t know if all of their meals got reimbursed! That’s crazy! I treat my guests much better!! I hope they all had fun regardless, and I hope they can visit again someday in a more relaxed fashion!

In the end, all of my doubts and feelings of “what am I doing” dissipated. I’m so glad I made the trip all the way across the country 😅 I don’t think there will be many more events where I can see my oshi up close and freely take pictures and videos. I wish I was a bit more daring and appeared more passionate about meeting Shogo-kun, but I hope he felt my support regardless 🥰

As a bonus, I also saw some amazing Broadway shows and did some fun shopping! I saw Back to the Future on Broadway, which Shogo-kun, Yugo-kun, and Yazaki-san also saw. While it was fun, I really wish they saw a more renowned show like The Lion King. I really think the quality is different!!

Alright. That’s it. Thanks to those who have made it this far. Feel free to reach out if you have any questions about anything!

[f0point5]

Oooooh my god the feels from this chapter!! The drama! The emotions! Those two babies 🥺

Whenever you make it sound like those two aren't supposed to end up together as a couple, I'm stuck thinking about it, wondering if you're right. Reading this part I honestly don't see them ending up with anyone BUT each other.

There is so much emotional damage and hurt for both of them and they do need to grow from this and learn how to really trust in a relationship, how to not fear a repeat of their own parents marriages, how to love and be loved and not run from this.

BUT seeing how y/n speaks about Elliot and their "relationship" and how she deals with that makes me believe she's never gonna trust any "normal" boyfriend the way she trusts in Max and their "relationship". She said she needs him. And we can all see how he needs her too. They can learn together. They understand each other's fears and they can work with that. They're already acting like a married couple, just without marriage and the intimate part of a relationship. But everything else is there, all the emotions, the trust.

I can see it. For the first time since you brought up the question whether they might possibly be better off as friends, I can clearly see how that doesn't have to be the way it goes.

The texts between Max and Daniel felt kinda illuminating... I've made this ask a couple weeks ago, how I felt like there's been sth happening in the past that made Max believe y/n wouldn't see him as more than a friend and him reacting to that in a way that made her believe he wouldn't see her like that.

Well... what if that something was the blind date that Clara set up for them? If what Daniel wrote is true to some extent, Max might have been a lil more keen on her back then than she'd thought he was. We only got her side of the picture, saying Max drew his line. But what if he didn't? What if she just thought he did and made it seem like she isn't interested either?

I think I remember y/n once said to someone that Max takes what he wants. But would he now? If he thought there's not a chance in hell she'd like him for more, he wouldn't try. No doubt. I'm not saying he's insecure in that department. But I feel like he's not always aware of how people perceive him. And he might not care about that, especially with anyone else. But be seems to care with her. If I think back to him telling her off for the Twitter posts, I wonder if it was him becoming all self-conscious because he's just not sure how to take those things from her. And if he really thought, like way back in the days, she's not attracted, doesn't see him as boyfriend material, whatever, it might explain his reactions to her publicly discussing how hot she thinks he is (let's put it like that).

Because he might start to think she means it. And it's probably a can of worms he doesn't want to open. Firstly, because of all the obvious reasons and their shared panic of relationship commitments. And secondly, because he might need to rethink the path he's taken with her all those years back, missed chances and all. And Max isn't one to ponder on the past.

Just my feelings about this part and some rambling... sorryyy for the long text again. 😅

Love your work!! 🧡

Right so. I waited until I had time to answer this because honestly it took me a while to formulate an answer for many reasons.

You. Be. Cooking. Like…yes. You and I are cooking from the same stove but you don’t have all my spices, if you catch my drift.

I keep going backwards and forwards whether I’m going to do a flashback part with the actual dinner date because on the one hand I want everyone to know what happened but on the other hand I like the idea that such a big part of their story is this mystery that the characters get to keep private. IDK ITS HARD. Because the story of why it wasn’t a date is illuminating but then also in the grand scheme of things doesn’t make too much difference.

I will say obviously it affected the trajectory of their relationship but there’s more to Max’s thought process than what happened in 2017.

Ugh your rambles always SO tempt me to reveal things that I want people to pick up on more but then it’ll make the plot slightly less surprising.

I will just say that Max and Y/N have known each other a LONG time. And Max has been a public figure for a LONG time. Both of things have shaped his perception of the situation maybe more than even he likes to admit. I mean…it’s kinda hinted very vaguely in a bonus part.

YOUR ASKS ALWAYS MAKE ME WANT TO SHARE EVERYTHING WITH YOU!!!

Keep cooking. It’s smelling good ;)

[derangedthots]

Hi again! I’m sorry if you’re like annoyed with me at this point but I’ve just reread the second chapter of courting and realized that Aemond’s scent was never mentioned other than a brief breeze of Jasmine? (And blood obviously, he needs to control his anger soon, Jace won’t let that fly for long)

and also I was like wondering between them who’d be the jealous one once they get together? Cause we know that Aemond has issues and how he hates how everyone is like around Jace all the time but does that get better after they end up together or does Jace end up being the possessive jealous type? I kinda hope it is him? Aemond would love it.

I hope it’s not too spoilery but a part of me thinks his scent is at least? Keeping everyone on their toes about it until he does and it’s something so soft and soothing I think contrasting the bloody smell of his anger. I’m gonna have ti go back and read the first part to see what Alicent and Viserys smell to narrow it down now 😂

If you couldn’t tell how obsessed I am about this story yet, I’m so sorry. It’s only gonna get worse as I reread it to tide myself over until the 3rd Ch 😅 so close to reciting the whole thing by memory

Anyways I hope your days are going good!! 🥰

nooo i could never be annoyed i promise, it makes me really happy to see other people as passionate abt this story as i am. it's like the greatest sense of achievement and motivation for me don't worry♥️♥️

aemond's scent oof yes i've been skirting around that very intentionally but you're on the right track with the soft and soothing thing (if only he would be honest+stay calm enough to his natural pheromones come through, aemond pls🥲🙏🏼)

as for who's the jealous/possessive type btwn them, personally i think they both are but in different ways? like aemond is the more immediately reactive of the two but when stuff starts bothering jace ooo baby boy WILL make it known(we do have to remember who raised him😭) and let's just say both of them are enthusiastic with their reminders. future-wise, i feel like the worst of the jealousy evens out on aemond's side bc yay for maturity so when he does get jealous it's just for shallow reasons and never bc he actually thinks jace would ever betray him like it. similarly, jace trusts aemond too much to really doubt him like that once they've worked through all their stuff so when he gets jealous it's also for petty reasons and not anything srs (but the 'makeup' sex is kinda bomb LMAO)

i too pretty much had the whole thing memorized while i was writing it so twinsies😂 but ahhh if you notice any inconsistencies i tried to catch them all - i def missed some tho - and i've been slowly doing more thorough edits every day so apologies ahead of time if a few things seem off for now😅 (oh but all the major stuff is already there so no worries it's just tiny details/grammatical errors)

thank you and i hope your days are going good too!! take care of yourself♥️♥️♥️

[yellowbluemoonshine]

Hey,manhwa anon,I was wondering if u have read seasons of blossom(sob) its recently ended so it'd be the best time to read I think you would like this story alot and as you said u liked romance in the response that make me more confident that u would like it

It's has romance but it's also touches other topic such as friendship,su1c1de,being bullied, pressure from parents to get grades etc nd imo all couple r good(execpt for one which I personally don't like) it's has 4 szn all have diff mc but! All of the characters r connected somehow it's funny,has good romance,touches serious topic,they help e/o through hardship

I love it nd I like ur opinion on many things so I wanted you to read this & give your opinions😅

Hey, anon, from this post. Thanks for your rec. Actually, i read first season before and maybe season 2 too, i dont really remember though. But i didnt complete it before but after getting your message, i decided to give another chance and i recently restarted it and finished the whole story. Also you made me curious about which one you didnt like, lol, let me know. And Here’s my opinion about series;

First of all, art is good and characters are generally good too . Though i prefer romance as sub-plot more because when it become main plot, it has cliches. I think this story make certain post too quick, like characters moving on, changing mind and growing and falling in love happened to fast, to the point i find it unrealistic. Though, i would still say this story is far better than most romances, at least.

Season 1; I think this one was my less interested in. I hate love triangle and misunderstandings, and all that fake boyfrien thing so cliche but also, i really didnt root for main couple since Jaemin and Bomi had a thing. And i thought what Bomi did is so unfair to Seounhi, Jaemin and Jinyoung, it was really frustrating because i think it was selfish act so. And i kinda felt sad about it and i wasnt big fan of Jinyeong and his brutal honesty and rudeness. He is cute but dude needs to learn some manners. But other than that, they look good together so i didnt really hate it. But i kinda get bored and forced myself to continue. And another problem with this one is the way Bomi described her feelings for Jaemin and Jinyoung. She says she feels more comfortable with Jaemin while to her, Jinyoung is unexpected, make her explode etc...I mean, actually love is all about feeling comfort, not unexpected events or excitement, thats more like lust and crush but we can also say love is different to anyone so. The fact that she fall in love with Jinyeong cause he is more rude while Jaemin was just kind...I mean, she just said she fell in love with Jinyoung because she felt more comfortable with his honesty at last scene of spring season, just like she said before when she talked with Jaemin.

Season 2; This one might be my favorite. Ironically, summer is my favorite season too. At first, i thought it was gonna be Jaemin x Somang but it turn out to be about Hamin and Somang. And you might say, Hamin is also rude to her so i wouldnt like it but actually, i love them together a lot. Their interaction happens so naturally and its also funny. Also sad. Jaemin and Somang making connection together is also very nice too. Something i didnt like, ‘its everyone’s fault but noone’s fault’ speech. Like , i get what she was trying to say but honestly, it is Hamin’s parents and school’s fault for him ending up like that. They are responsible for what happenned to Hamin. Its nowhere near to Jaemin and Somang, they were innocent. Also i wish story showed Jaemin’s tension building up in spring season, it would be better. Btw, i also like the fact that Hamin didnt kill himself because he was just in darkness but because he witnessed the light he couldnt reach make him suicide because thats how mental illness works. We dont feel miserable until we saw some people have better. Thats so realistic. And as last, i wish Jaemin and Hamin didnt look too similar. I mean, they look like twins, i feel weird when i see him with Somang and others lol. And this also the season i started to warm up to Seonhui and other mcs because they were kinda annoying at start/first season.

Season 3; This one might be my second favorite. At first i was so sure that i wouldnt like it because Gaeul’s revenge plan and using his feelings, also the fact that he was kinda related to her bullying but i actually liked it because they were so good together. The chemistry...between serious mature girl and kinda silly dense boy. My only issues would be she became too comfortable with someone who is indirectly related to her bullying, like that kind of discomfort dont go that easiely. And bully girl's plan was too silly and it got destroyed too quickly, it was kinda unrealistic. And even though Gauel was already comfortable with Subin, what was the point of them breaking up? I wish at least we saw her discomfort with Subin’s presence so it would make more sense that her wanting a little time and space. And one more thing, i hate the idea that Subin had to take care of that bully kid, just because he was indirectly related to his bullying as child....because i disagree. He doesnt have to be friends with him/them, after all they did. Another couple of the autumn season, i actually ship Jaemin and Seonhui more but i kinda warmed up with the idea of Seonhui and Jaehyeon more at the end of fall season and winter season. Like, i kinda like them too because they are cute together.

Season 4; And the winter season. I was waiting for this one since the beginning to the point sometimes i couldnt focus on others because how can i, when there is a bullying at the background? So messed up. But i was actually disappointed with this season. Because even though, i am glad to see other main characters with happy moments, we hardly get Dongchae as main character. He deserved more screentimes, more narrative but he was like a side character in his own story. I was also very dissapointed in Jaemin in this season. He literally lost his brother because of bullying but he saw someone else is also dealing with it and he said its none of my business and only interested in because he fell in love with his sister....Eunchae is good girl, i get it but your brother is being bullied and you have time for romance with random dude you just met? It was actually frustrating to read because Dongchae was suffering to the point that he was planning to kill himself while everyone is being lovey-dovey. It was painful to read. Though, i love his connection with Hamin and everyone coming together to save him from suicide. But instead of last minute speech before he was about to kill himself, we could’ve get more effort. Because you cant change someone who wants to kill himself’s mind that easiely. I wish we saw all that small efforts for Dongchae and that saving scene would be the last one, the one that finally reach Dongchae’s hearth but it all happenned one time. Until that moment they all (later Jinyoung’s friend too) ignored him when they know what was happening, so it was so annoying and disappointing but generally, ending is good. I didnt really ship Eunchane and Jaemin, Gyuri and Dongchae etc. And i ship Somang only with Hamin, not with glasses friend of Subin. And i am glad that Subin and Gaeul meet again and end up together. Anddddd i must admit i love the speech of ‘if you dont know how to love yourself, i will teach you’. That was amazing.

This is all but there might be things i forgot to say so for now, thats it. Despite some of the issues etc, i did have good/sad/emotional etc times too. So i think it was worth to read and give it another chance so again, thanks for rec. it to me.

[theharrowing]

I totally understand the characters choosing for you! I had this whole plan where I was gonna wait until later in my story to have any kind of sexual content but it felt like Jungkook had a mind of his own and ended up being in chapter five 😂😂 some stories, my best friend will read for me and tell me what she thinks, but they’re very specific ones and if she gets to any part with smut or fluffy content, she will scream and scroll passed it 😂😂

One of those is something I haven’t posted yet because I haven’t decided where the chapter end is 😅 I kinda just let it roll and decide later. I have a whole idea for an actual novel that I want to write. Even have a fancy, leather bound dragon journal to write it in (I’m a major nerd and dragons have always kinda been a thing for me) but I’m so scared to start it and that I won’t be able to give the idea justice. It’s the only thing I have somewhat plans for, at least lore for.

I WAS GOING TO WAIT TIL LIKE 10 CHAPTERS IN COLLATERAL TO HAVE THEM FUCK and by chapter 6 i was like these two will not, can not, MUST NOT wait any longer lmaooooooooooo.

there isn't anyone in my life outside of bts fandom who reads my writing haha. a lot of close friends and my siblings and partner know but i don't want to just send shit to them hahahaha.

ooohhh a leather journal, that's so fun!!!! i feel like you should just start writing at least whatever ideas come. there are a lot of worldbuilding resources out there too, if you need help with any of that kind of stuff. i would love to write a big fantasy epid but i am terrified of the worldbuilding!!!! one day.

i also want to write a novel, but i do not have an idea haha. i think i would want to start with horror and go from there. horror is a genre i think i do well.

i say you just start writing!!! 😅😅😅 but, of course, do what feels right. just don't let uncertainty hold you back. you can always make mistakes now and learn to fix them in the future, but not starting at all will always make you wonder what if. because even if your draft doesn't do the idea justice, you have a skeleton of an idea, and you can begin to add all the other sinew and muscle and bits onto the bones to really bring it to life, you know?

[imtheiliad]

EVERY SINGLE THING I TOUCH BECOMES SICK [2.2k| emotional hurt comfort | established relationship] tw: dissociation, mentions of canon near drowning and suicide attempts, panic and anxiety attack, self harm companion to WE'VE BEEN LIVING ON A FAULT LINE {ao3}

Title from Bigger Than the Whole Sky by Taylor Swift. I do recommend reading we've been living on a fault line first if you haven't already :) I thought i was done with this universe but then @theladyyavilee made this post and it made me think too much and then this happened, it took me a long time to get the end right but i think i got it and who knows there might be a part three in me 😅 anywho happy reading! :P

We have salt in our blood, in our sweat, in our tears. We are tied to the ocean. ~ JFK

He’s in the shower of all places when it happens. It’s been a few weeks since the night on the pier. He and Christopher had a successful outing, coming back to the house exhausted but with a large teddy bear, and photo booth strips in hand.And it had been good, one of their best outings in a while. It was that same night that Eddie kissed him in the kitchen, smiling and soft like it was the most natural thing in the world.

He had talked about it all with Dr. Copeland. He knows that healing isn’t linear. He knows that just because he had one good day, one of the best of his life, doesn’t mean that the roller coaster was over. But he is still frustrated by the thought that floats through his head as the water falls around him, hitting his sore muscles.

Everything you love will betray you. Even water. Everyone important to you has nearly drowned.

He tips his face up into the spray, letting the water cover his face until he can’t breathe.

His body tips forward and forces him to again with spluttering coughs that wrack his body. And that’s how he finds himself, sobs wracking his body as he sits in the shower, the hot water continuing to relentlessly pelt his skin. He doesn’t even know if there are actually tears in that mix, but he does know that if he could move, he would get out of here. But he feels paralyzed, because it also feels good to feel something, anything, other than the hollowed out feeling that he had left the station with that morning.

It had been a kid in a pool. Not unlike a call they had before. Before he had even known Abby existed- a time when he had wondered if he would ever hear Maddie’s voice again, let alone hold her in his arms, hold her daughter in his arms. A time when being known and being loved for all of who he was was a distant dream and all that he yearned for in the quiet moments he had alone. A time when no one he knew would’ve thought of him ever becoming a father figure to anyone.

Maddie had been the one to take the call, and knowing that Chimney was busy treating them, she had texted Buck to make sure the call had ended on a hopeful note. He had called her as he waited for Eddie to shower, her worried voice telling him how she had texted Mrs. Lee for a picture of Jee after, and him reassuring her that it was a reasonable thing to ask after such a call. She had asked him if he was okay too, he had just said that he was tired after the long shift and was ready for bed.

Eddie had watched him carefully through the call. And pressed his leg into his on the ride back to the station. Their drive home had been silent. Eddie eyeing him from the passenger seat, waiting for Buck to say anything. But there hadn’t been anything to say. His conscious working overtime to silence the racing thoughts so they could make it home safely. And then it had lost the battle as he stood under the spray, trying to rid himself of the weight.

He isn’t sure how long he has been in the shower, but the water turns colder, and he still can’t make himself move.

“Buck?” he hears distantly, drowned out by the drops of water relentlessly pelting the side of the glass and porcelain, “Are you okay?”

A few moments pass, then,

“Buck, I’m gonna come in okay?” There's a pause as he guesses Eddie tries to open the door, “I gotta um break down the door.”

And then everything fuzzes out again, the white noise of the water hitting the tub filling his ears.

The water finally stops, and his sobs are echoing off the tiled walls, and he wants the noise to stop, because it’s all too loud, but he can’t make it stop.

“Buck,” his voice is so gentle it almost hurts.

“I’m sorry,” is all he can choke out, it comes out garbled by sobs, “I’m so sorry.”

“Hey, no, you have nothing to be sorry for Buck. Can I get you a towel?”

He nods slowly.

The soft fluffy towel is placed around his shoulders with such care he almost flinches away.

“I want to get you out of the tub okay?” Eddie asks rhetorically, “Is it okay if I help you?”

He nods again somehow.

And he wishes he could help as Eddie lifts him, slotting his arms under his and getting him into a seated position on the edge of the tub. Another towel cushioning the seat that gets wrapped around his waist.

“Hold onto me while I get your legs.”

Now that he can do. Hold onto Eddie like an anchor, he forgot there was a time where he couldn’t.

Once his feet are somewhat planted on the ground, Eddie kneeling in front of him, Eddie ducks his head to catch his eye, finally.

“I got you,” is all he has to say, “And I love you.”

That evidently is the wrong thing to say as Buck’s face crumples and he shakes his head.

“Okay, okay, I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” Eddie replies gently. He swallows and then takes Buck’s arms and places them on his shoulders. He stands bringing Buck up with him.

They make their way to the bedroom, and Eddie finds some soft sweatpants and a shirt. Buck shakes his head as he moves to put the shirt on him.

“I can do it,” his voice is a whisper.

Eddie nods and reluctantly leaves the room.

Buck stares down at the soft t shirt in his hands, there’s a small hole between the collar and the shirt, another one by the sleeve. He stares down at the drab green color and clutches it tighter. Because it was literally drab green, and his breath hitches. He was never sure if Eddie still had anything except for the medal that was deep in a box in his closet. Clearly relegated to a last resort chore day shirt but nonetheless he still had it. And now it’s in Buck’s hands.

But it’s soft and it smells like Eddie, despite everything that the anxiety was screaming, the comfort that brought him had transcended everything that was on the surface and burrowed itself into a home right next to his heart. So he slips it over his head. He puts on the boxers, sweatpants, and socks. And then doesn’t know what to do next. So he sits, tangling his fingers, worrying at his lip, on the edge of tears, but there aren’t any left.

He watches a few minutes tick by on the relatively new alarm clock that sits on Eddie’s night stand.

There’s a light knock on the door, and then Eddie walks in with a glass of water. His shirt sleeve is still wet from where presumably he reached into the shower to turn off the water. He sets the glass down on the nightstand and then sits on the bed next to Buck, pressing his shoulder into his.

“Hey, how we doing?” he asks after a moment.

“I’m sorry.”

“What for?”

“Th-The door, your wet shirt sleeve.”

“Buck, water dries, it is not the end of the world. And as for the door? We know how to fix that,” he says it lightly and genuinely, and he brushes their shoulders together.

And Buck smiles a little.

“Now, what’s going on in that head of yours?”

He tangles his hands in his lap before taking a deep breath, “Did Maddie ever tell you what her final straw was, why she left?”

Eddie furrows his brow, he and Maddie had started getting closer on his visits to dispatch for lunch with Linda on the days she was working and he had off. He and Maddie had also started getting coffee on days when their therapy appointments converged, her therapist in the same office as Frank.

“Nothing specific,” he replies.

“Well, uh, she was giving Jee a bath during the blackout, and she had been awake for a long time, and she nodded off for a second and Jee slipped under for like a second. That’s what made her really think she wasn’t safe with her. And when she tried, she walked into the ocean. And you and the well. And Chris and the tsunami,” he loses the ability to really be articulate about it as he verbalizes each one.

Eddie takes a deep breath as each puzzle piece floats into place.

“Buck, all of that is just a horrible horrible coincidence,” he says carefully, a hand drifting to Buck’s thigh.

“But what if it isn’t? What if-” his eyes are watering again somehow as he looks toward Eddie.

“No. Loving you could never be a curse. Being loved by you is a gift.” Eddie takes a breath and moves to the floor in front of Buck, “I know I can’t fix this in a day, and not by myself. But I want you to know that I love you. And none of those things have ever and will never be your fault. And you don’t have to believe me, but you trust me, know that I wouldn’t lie about that.”

Buck nods hesitantly.

It’s quiet for a moment, their foreheads resting against each other.

“You know one of the reasons I moved here was the ocean?” he pauses, “Yeah I think it’s about as far as I can get from Hershey without leaving the contiguous states, but there was always something about the Pacific. The Atlantic is 200 miles from where I grew up but I chased the Pacific. One of the first days I lived here I just drove to the beach and sat on the sand for hours looking out over it and I finally felt like I was where I was supposed to be. Hadn’t even started the academy, didn’t know the 118 was out there but something told me I belonged here. And it was the ocean that told me that. And I loved her, and she almost took two of you, so I don’t know. It just feels like some fucking cosmic joke.” He laughs wetly.

“I don’t feel like I should still be drawn there, but I am. Going to the pier with Chris was one of the best days, it feels wrong that it’s also one of the worst.”

“You don’t have to stop loving something because it hurt you or the people you love. And especially not the ocean of all things, an ocean that is known for being a rough force not to be reckoned with. You faced it, and defeated it- You did, Chris did, and Maddie did. And that fact puts me in awe of all three of you, Buck. Being able to face it again, let alone make new happy memories with it is incredible.” he paused contemplating his next words and letting the previous ones settle, “Did you ever feel like that after the truck?”

Buck shakes his head and furrows his brow.

“You were able to get back in that truck because you love your job, the love is greater than the thing that hurt you, and it sounds like the ocean is another one of those things that you hold so important in your heart. You don’t give up, especially when it’s the people you care about. That’s what makes loving and being loved by you a blessing, Buck. One minuscule part of it anyway.”

Buck swallows the lump in his throat, and he nods.

“And I need you to hear me when I tell you that I love you, all of you. Even the parts you don’t love. I love them enough for the both of us, until you can, however long that takes. Just like you did for me.”

“I nev-I di-” Buck starts, his brow still slightly crinkled.

Eddie just shakes his head and holds Buck’s face in his hand, “You didn’t have to, I knew, in hindsight I knew. And I will always be grateful that you were able to do that for me, so let me take my turn.”

There’s a still moment of silence as the softness returns to Buck’s shoulders as if he is letting go of the weight. It’s shattered by the shaky audible breath that Buck let’s go of as he bends forward finally leaning his full weight into Eddie.

Eddie moves back to sitting next to Buck on the bed, never letting go.

They sit like that for a while, just existing together.

“I think I’ve had enough time. I don’t want to talk about it now because I want you fully here with me. But this is me telling you that I’m ready when you are,and we will figure out the best way together okay?”

Buck nods, “Thank you.” he says just above a whisper. And the silence returns, comfortable and inviting as they breathe together.