#looking up at spock like he's every star in the sky

[spirk-trek]

Publicity photo taken during the filming of Amok Time, 1967 (more here!)

[dustykneed]

the rough childhood trio with their childhood pets. (each of these gets a couple sentences of variably cryptic context-- all up for interpretation, of course. in my head these are all bittersweet ^^)

i-chaya wasn't supposed to be at school, technically, but amanda had a talk with the teachers, and they concluded that it was logical to allow i-chaya to continue to accompany spock to school, when his performance showed such marked improvement when she was around.

sometimes, during intervals between lessons, which were always timed precisely for optimal development of social skills, spock would sit cross-legged in a corner of the schoolyard, and i-chaya would sink down onto the red sand beside him and nudge at his cheek with her damp nose, and spock would reach up into her coarse, thick coat and press his forehead into the safety of her fur until the stinging remarks of the other children would melt and fall away in the harsh vulcan sun.

"he's up there in the stars, jamie. whenever you feel like you're on your own, just look up at the night sky and count the stars. he would've been so proud of you."

james tiberius kirk read, once, that pigs were unable to look up at the sky. from then on, he made sure to prop all of the pigs on the farm up every so often, so that they could look at the stars with him. for his birthday, his mother knit him two matching sweaters with stars on the chest-- one for him, and the other for wilbur (the grandpiglet of the sow she tripped over a decade ago).

bones was raised, essentially, by the large, calico barncat who lived on the mccoys' farm. she had not been named, and she wouldn't let anyone else touch her-- only bones.

when he was a baby, she curled up beside him in his crib with her tail around his ankle to stop him from crawling out and hurting himself.

when he got older, on difficult days, she would grab him by the sock and drag him to the old rocking chair in the attic and curl up on his lap and bite at his fingers until he could bring himself to pet her, and then she would purr and purr as he stroked through her warm, soft fur and rocked himself better in the big rocking chair. if anyone tried to drag bones away, she would hiss and yowl and bat vehemently at the intruding hands until he could be left alone.

[etherealspacejelly]

ok so i just watched star trek the motion picture for the third time and this time it was the directors cut with the extra scenes, and i have some Thoughts™️that may or may not be entirely coherant but i need to share them

here is my in depth literary analysis of why star trek the motion picture is the greatest queer love story ever written (/hj). buckle up because this is gonna be a long one

so our story starts (after the klingon cold open ofc) with spock on vulcan, during the final ceremony in which he is supposed to acheive kohlinar, the purging of all emotion. now, right off the bat, i want to make a comparison to conversion therapy/being closeted/repressed here. spock is trying to repress an entire side to himself, a part of him that is inherantly different to those around him, in order to be accepted in society. spock is already a very queer coded character, and i think reading this scene through that lens is a valid interpretation, especially considering everything else that happens in this movie.

the ceremony stops before its completion. because spock has Not purged all of his emotions. a consciousness calls to him from the sky. now, i think this line could be interpreted one of two ways. either this 'consciousness' is v'ger, or its jim. i think the writers intended it to be v'ger, but in the context of the scene it sounds a lot more like jim. of course jim would be the one preventing spock from purging his emotions: jim is the reason for many of spocks emotional slip-ups throughout the series. he fears for jims life when he is in danger, he feels friendship for jim but also shame about those feelings (that shame is also queercoded, but thats not the point of this post so i wont get into it here). he feels compassion for jim. he feels loyalty and a sense of duty to him. these feelings are so strong that he cannot purge them fully.

so what does spock do? he off goes in search of something that he feels will help him achieve his goal. he wants peace within himself, to find a balance between his two opposing mindsets, that of logic and that of emotion. purging all emotion was unsuccessful, so what else can he do?

he feels that v'ger is a being of pure logic, and wants to understand it, in hopes of achieving that for himself. in the process he meets up with jim again. now, you would think, that a vulcan nearing kohlinar who has been training for years to purge all of his emotions and act purely logically would not stop to change clothes and cut his hair when on his way to acheive LITERALLY HIS LIFE GOAL that is super important to him. and yet. when spock turns up on the enterprise hes wearing his nicest black robes and has his classic bangs back. why is that mr spock?? why would you take the time to do that?? especially when he then immediately changes into his uniform.

and while we're on the topic of clothes, what does jim do immediately after spock boards the enterprise? thats right folks, he changes into a shirt that shows off his arms and has a v-neck to show off his chest. any. particular reason for that jim? when you said just a moment ago that every minute counts and the earth is in danger? hmm. interesting.

and then of course we get that exchange between jim, spock, and bones. where jim 'needs' spock. just like he needed bones. theres a desparation in his eyes, he wants HIS spock back, and hes not seeing that spock in front of him. the conversation ends with jim looking dejected, since spock only seems to be there out of convenience and not because he Wants to be. wonder why that is...

of course then spock mind melds with v'ger. and to do so he has to. go through a very sphincter-like opening. and says he has 'penetrated' the next chamber. now im just saying. if anything is a metaphor for gay sex, this has to be, right?

anyway.

spock mind melds with v'ger and is flung back into jims arms. because of course he is. and what did he learn from the whole experience? that v'ger is pure logic, and therefore cannot experience beauty, imagination, and "this simple feeling". wait. hang on. what simple feeling would that be, spock? the one you're talking about while holding jim's hand (HANDS?? VULCAN HOLDING HANDS?? HELLO???) and staring into each others eyes? what feeling would that be, i wonder?

and then. SPOCK CRIES. for v'ger. he 'weeps for v'ger as he would for a brother". v'ger is 'empty', as spock was when he came aboard. "incomplete, and searching. logic and knowledge are not enough," he says. bones asks if spock has found what he needed, and v'ger hasnt. spock says that v'ger wants to know what it was meant to be, to reach out and touch its creator.

spock is crying because he empathises with v'ger. v'gers journey parallels his own. they were both empty beings of pure logic. spock found his fulfilment in... what exactly? its not explicitly clear. but if we continue the spock/v'ger parallel to its conclusion, what do we find?

v'ger has taken ilia's form, and decker decides to merge with v'ger not only to save earth, but also to reunite with the woman he loves. v'ger becomes satisfied only when this happens. so... spock found his fulfilment by reuniting with someone he loves? if we take this in context with the 'this simple feeling' scene, the queer subtext is right there.

at the end of the movie, spock is offered to return to vulcan, and he refuses, stating that his business there is finished. he has achieved his goal of finding peace within himself. not by purging all emotion, but by embracing emotion, alongside logic, and allowing himself to feel what he has repressed his entire life. he resumes his place at jims side, which, as edith keeler stated, is where he belongs.

this movie is a queer story, and i will die on this hill. all of the evidence together stacks up that way. it is a story of repression, self acceptance, and love.

ALSO THE POSTER IS A RAINBOW-

[fruitsboots]

The angel on my shoulder wants to ask about the coffeshop au, but the devil wants to know about the weed one

Dealers choice 😅

poor coffeeshop au, you were supposed to be finished no later than New Years....

so coffeeshop AU is a TOS holiday-ish fic that is going to be McKirk to McSpirk.

Spock works as a physics professor at a university, but his old friend Pike asked him to come help work weekends at his coffeeshop until the holidays are over since he knows Spock doesn't really have a social life.

while working at the coffeeshop, Spock meets a very handsome Jim Kirk who owns a bookstore down the street and comes in and orders something very complicated every Friday afternoon. Every Sunday morning, a snarky Doctor McCoy comes in and orders black coffee.

Will Spock ever get the complicated order right? Will the three of them ever meet up? Will I ever actually finish this fic? All great questions that I'll have to write so you find out.

--

As for weedfic, it's TOS where the crew is going down on shoreleave but the trio are staying behind. Due to the smell of a candle Jim got as a gift, he's feeling nostalgic for the like 3 times he smoked weed with his brother as a teen. After talking to McCoy about it dramatically, the good doctor procures some weed and they proceed to have a nice time hanging out in the arboretum.

This one's in my current working rotation but I'm not really sure where I'm going with it lol. It was supposed to be lighthearted and silly but sort of turned more intimate and poetic which is fine! Big snippet of weedfic under the readmore <3 Thanks for the ask! Maybe this will motivate me to write lol

CW: Drugs

It started with a candle.

A gift from Uhura on his birthday, specially ordered and crafted with him in mind to remind him of Iowa.

The candle itself was simple in design, a cream colored wax with three wicks in a heavy, dark orange colored glass holder. The scent was the thing that was truly special about it.

Crisp and earthy like a late autumn night. The slight dusty smell of dried corn. A hint of sweetness. A touch of smoke.

As soon as he sniffed the candle, memories of Jim’s younger years wove together into a soft tapestry. First kisses and raking leaves. Libraries and school dances. Truck beds and corn fields.

Truck beds and corn fields.

Sam and Sam’s handsome friend pulling up to the house, beat up red pickup truck caked in mud up to the windows in the middle of the night and don’t be a loser Jimmy, it’s not sneaking out if mom and dad aren’t even on the planet. Holding on for dear life, tossed around in the bed of the truck as it swerves recklessly through a harvested cornfield that they definitely shouldn’t be in but it’s alright because Sam says it is and rules can be broken sometimes. Broken rules like passing a joint and chilly air, he should’ve brought his gloves but the smoke fills his lungs and warms him from the inside. Hot, too hot. Coughing in chorus with laughter, a sheepish grin, he’s not going to let on that he’s nervous for the drug’s effect.

Slow then slower. Time slowing down. Thoughts slowing down. Laying down, corrugated plastic pressed into his back. Endless sky, endless stars. Galaxies swirling in his head.

Jim found himself lingering on that particular memory days after receiving the gift. Though he’d refused to light it, he’d occasionally bring the candle to his nose, eyes closed, and try with futility to grasp onto the bittersweet feeling of being sixteen again.

“Y’know, if you lit it you could smell it better. Rather than shoving your entire nose into it.”

Jim pulled the candle away from his face and placed it back on the shelf by his bed. They should be sleeping, but goodnight kisses had turned to something more and now it was late. Jim turned towards the bed where Spock looked more than halfway asleep already, lying on his back with a naked McCoy pressed to his bare side.

“If I did that, it wouldn’t last,” Jim said with a tired smile. “Feels like I should wait. Some special occasion to light it or something.”

“For candle that smells like a hog farm?” McCoy joked. “We’ll have to make sure to break it out the next time we have a good ol’ fashioned barn raising.”

Jim laughed softly, but the comment hit him in the heart. He hesitated before speaking.

“Have you ever tried cannabis?”

The question hung in the air for a moment with only the sound of Spock beginning to snore softly as McCoy raised an eyebrow.

“What the hell are you talking about?” he tried to sit up but the sleeping Vulcan’s arm held him tighter.

“Answer the question, Bones” Jim countered, going to squeeze into the bed next to McCoy. “Computer, lights to 10%.”

The magenta glow of the room dimmed gradually, leaving them in almost-darkness.

“Oh, come on Jim, I’ve told plenty of stories about my mama. What d’you think she would’ve done if she’d caught me smoking weed like some kinda hooligan?”

Jim pressed his face against McCoy’s shoulder and smiled, letting his eyes close. “Hmm…so how many times?”

“…four or five,” the doctor answered honestly. “First few times I don’t think I did it right, nothing really happened except I nearly coughed up a damn lung. That or my friends were pulling a prank on me.”

“And after that?” he felt Spock’s arm twitch between them. Jim leaned away to let Spock readjust, McCoy now free to turn to face him.

“Mm, I don’t really remember, it was a long time ago. Kinda remember getting paranoid and listening to some 22nd Century neo-classical, but those might have been separate times.”

Jim chuckled at the thought and gently rested an arm over McCoy’s waist. “Would you try it again?”

In the dim light, he could see the furrowed brow paired with a quirked smile. “What’s all this about, Jim? You’ve been acting particularly wistful the past few days.”

So McCoy had noticed. Jim supposed that he was usually good at hiding his frequent ‘moods’, not wanting to come across as anything other than the steady, even-keeled captain.

“Nothing, it’s just,” Jim sighed, fidgeting slightly. “You know how I get around my birthday. Just…thinking of the passing of time. She’s a cruel mistress….an hourglass of sand, unable to be turned back over—”

“Jim, it’s late, spare me the monologue.”

[radicalbears]

Fun fact: I've started reading Star Trek TOS books this year, and they are a TRIP.

I've read six of them so far: The Vulcan Science Academy Murders by Jean Lorrah, Doctor's Orders by Diane Duane, Strangers from the Sky by Margaret Wander Bonanno, Spock's World by Diane Duane, Sarek by A.C. Crispin, and The Motion Picture novelization by Gene Roddenberry (and also Harold Livingston and Alan Dean Foster since they wrote the screenplay)

I have some Thoughts but this may be long so opinions below the cut!

I can't pick an absolute favorite, they're all so much fun for their own reasons. Objectively, Spock's World and Sarek are the two best, with Spock's World being my favorite of the two. I love any story that takes a long look at the Vulcans- either individual characters or them as a group- and these two do a fantastic job.

The Vulcan Science Academy Murders is not objectively good- the mystery is so easily figured out, some of the book is just a little bit insane, and there's way too many exclamation points- but it is a LOT of fun. Also has a very sweet perspective of Vulcans and the way they care for eachother.

Doctor's Orders is literally just this: Kirk, thinking he'd only be gone an hour, makes McCoy acting captain. Kirk proceeds to go missing. Due to Starfleet regulations, McCoy is stuck as acting captain until Kirk or Starfleet relieves him. (It's very funny watching both McCoy and literally every bridge officer be stressed about this)

My least favorite is probably Strangers from the Sky. It's extremely convoluted- there's a plot where Kirk is having nightmares about a suppressed past memory (a memory that, is being remembered because the events of this memory were recently published as a book), and half of this book is us just. Real-time reading this past memory? Either way, the memory is of the Actual first human-Vulcan meeting- when a Vulcan ship crash landed on Earth before the official first contact. The surviving Vulcans were rescued by a couple kelp farmers, and the story surrounding them is actually really sweet. The Enterprise crew has almost nothing to do with this story, they're only there because of a time travel incident. It really just feels more like the author wanted to tell this story, but because it didn't have any known characters in it, they were forced to involve the TOS cast. Still a decent read, just Very convoluted.

Finally, the Motion Picture novelization. Boy, this really reminded me that there really is not much that happens in this movie, though somehow it's more interesting than the movie. This is not to completely dump on said movie- I don't hate it, but it certainly is my least favorite. The novelization is really cool though because it adds a LOT of context for what Spock is dealing with. We get more of his inner monologue- something I actually wish we could witness better in the movie. V'ger is a really good character foil for Spock- the way V'ger is was Spock's end goal, yet Spock realizes that V'ger nothing like how he actually wants to be.

The word T'hyla is also just. Casually invented in this novelization, with the explicit purpose of describing the relationship between Kirk and Spock. This book ALSO acknowledges rumors of Kirk and Spock dating in a footnote, and has Kirk "address" these rumors (aka make some weird statement that doesn't actually clarify anything). Beginning of this book is a Wild time for Spirk fans.

Anyway I'm waiting on my library to get in the novelization for Wrath of Khan and Search for Spock. I also just picked up the first two volumes of the Year Five comics. Idk how deep I'm gonna get into Star Trek novels, but I'm at the very least still going strong.

Oh yeah I also tend to take photos of passages/lines I enjoyed from these books, lmk if any of y'all want a deeper look into any of these books- I can post the photos of my favorite bits!

[indeedcaptain]

Regulatory Relations, chapter 16: The Admiral

Hello everyone I hope you are doing well and happy April!

Wahoo, this story broke 100,000 words with this chapter! That's an insane number to think about.

Chapter warnings: graphic depictions of violence :)

Also posted on AO3 here!

☆☆☆

Kirk materialized on a dusty, paved track in the center of what could charitably be described as the middle of nowhere. He coughed as Spock and April materialized beside him, and they moved out of the way as the security teams appeared, one after the other. 

The area of Kindinos VI that they transported to was near colorless, infinite shades of gray-brown stretching to the staggering mountains breaking the near horizon. The star that served as the center of this solar system was a pale yellow dot in a pale gray sky, and though the climate could not be classified as cold, Kirk wasn’t sure he would consider it warm, either. 

It was a profoundly unfriendly planet, and as he looked around, he noted uneasily that there was no sign of the miners that had called for their aid. The land around them was uneven but for the paved road leading to the mountain to the east, rising and falling sharply in a pattern like moguls on a ski slope. The security officers unholstered their phasers, setting them to stun and creating a periphery around April, Kirk, and Spock, and the only sound except their footsteps was the familiar humming of Spock’s tricorder. 

Spock frowned slightly down at the screen as he turned slowly in a circle, scanning in every direction. 

“Where are we, Mr. Spock?” 

“It seems as though we are in the middle of the settlement, captain,” Spock said, and he lifted his eyes from the tricorder screen to look over the rolling micro-hills of the land before them. 

“But where is it?” 

Spock glanced over his shoulder at Kirk, and Kirk nodded before he approached one of the hills warily. Two security officers flanked him as Kirk and April followed a few steps behind, and Spock crouched next to the crest of the hill. 

He reached out and yanked on something set into the ground, and stepped back as a hatch swung open, revealing a dark hole in the ground. He looked around him curiously, and stomped his foot: the sound his heel made against the ground revealed that he was standing not on hard-packed earth, but dust-coated plex. Gesturing to one of the security officers, who pulled a flashlight from his belt and flicked it on, Spock and the officer crouched again next to the open hatch and peered down into the darkness. 

The other security officers broke off in groups of three and four, knocking on the other hatches set into the ground and pulling them open. Kirk came up behind Spock and leaned over his shoulder. The security officer--- a young human woman called Jackson--- shone the flashlight down into the hole. Buried beneath the ground was a self-contained unit, two meters by two meters, within which rested a single bed, a small desk, and shelving built into the walls approximating a kitchenette and bathroom. The bed was unmade, and a single, empty aluminum cup sat on the table. Lieutenant Jackson shone the flashlight around the border of the space, and the shaky light revealed that pieces of paper or plex had been stuck to the walls. 

“Hold there,” Kirk said softly, and Jackson held the light steady on one of the pieces of paper. It was slightly yellowed, a little dusty, but it showed a simplistic drawing of a house, with two big stick figures and three small stick figures drawn in front of it. Kirk’s heart sank. Someone’s child had drawn them this picture, and they had taken it to this job with them, and kept it where they could see it at all times. He glanced at Spock, who scanned the little room with his tricorder but met his eyes. 

“They may be in the mine itself, captain,” Spock said, and he and Jackson stood. Kirk straightened as well. 

“Did you get any life signs? From any of these little bunkers?” 

“Uncertain, captain. The scanner was unable to penetrate whatever matter makes up the soil of this planet. But my readings show a larger shelter just beyond our sightline,” Spock said, and indicated westward, in the opposite direction of the highest peak of the mountain range. “A larger domicile, or perhaps a central gathering place.” 

“Alright,” Kirk said, and with a gesture recalled the drifting security teams back to his side. “We’ll split into three. Spock, April, and I will head to the larger building, see if anyone is there. Team A, open as many of these hatches as you can and search for anyone within who may be in need of acute medical assistance. Close them up when you’re done, though, no need to let the dust into these people’s things. Team B, head to the entrance to the mine and see if there are survivors there.” His people nodded around him.

“Remember, we don’t want to come in with accusations. We’re just here to check everything over because the comms went down. We’re here to help. Check in with the ship every---” 

Tickatickatickatick. Kirk stopped as the noise echoed into earshot, drifting towards them over the dusty plain. Jackson turned over her shoulder, looking in the direction of the mountains, but nothing seemed to have changed. The ticking noise grew louder, and Spock started off suddenly towards the central road they had originally landed on. They followed Spock as he strode purposefully onto the road, and then scuffed at the dirt with his boot. 

The dust cleared easily away, revealing a magnetic track set into the earth. He looked up, along the road, as a metal cart rolled into view from beyond the curve of the road, where the rise and fall of the bunker-hills had hidden it. Slowly it tickatickaticked down the road, hovering above the metal strip, the rotating magnets set into the cart itself scraping and shifting as it pulled itself along. Kirk and the away team watched as it trundled on its way, empty but for the dirt that had settled into the grooves of it, and passed them to continue through the wasteland. 

“Perhaps the larger building is a storage location for the dilithium before it is shipped out,” Spock said quietly, as he watched the cart disappear around another bend. 

“Maybe,” Kirk said, and when the cart had vanished from view he turned back to the away team. “Check in with us or the ship every thirty minutes. Dismissed.” The officers nodded, and team A peeled off to open hatches as team B started down the long and desolate road. 

“Terrible day for a walk,” Kirk said as he, Spock, and April turned the other direction, towards where the other building waited for them. The wind had picked up around them, tossing the fine dirt in every direction, and there wasn’t a single tree to break the power of the gusts.

“I believe that they will be able ‘hitch a ride,’ as you might say,” Spock said, and they had only taken a few more steps when the tickatickatick began again. The cart lurched towards them once more, returning down its path from the mine to wherever its dropoff station might be and back again. They stepped aside to let it pass.

“I hope they catch it,” Kirk said. “No use walking if there’s a perfectly good cart going that way anyway.” He turned back to their road and continued down it. “What do you think of all this, Admiral?” 

April walked alongside him, dark eyes scanning the horizon around them. “I don’t like that we haven’t seen a single person,” he said, and he gently palmed his phaser. “Alive or dead.” Kirk hummed in agreement, and Spock followed the two of them a few paces behind, sweeping from standing between him and April to fanning out beside him. The Spock rule, Kirk thought with a jolt. He hadn’t seen it in action since he learned its name. Spock had always hovered on away missions, orbiting him, but he had never thought anything of it until it had been brought to his attention. He smiled at his pacing husband before returning his attention to the road, and to April. When was the last time he had been on an away mission, had to make life-or-death split-second decisions? His hand on his weapon was making Kirk nervous.

They walked for another twenty minutes before a huge, unnatural curve broke the flat horizon. It rose up before them as they approached; it was a building made out of the same material and in the same design that the hatches and the bunkers were, but it stood twenty feet tall and double that wide. Kirk turned back to look over his shoulder, and then look around him. 

“Mr. Spock,” he said quietly, returning his attention to the building. “Is there anything approaching this size, anywhere else within tricorder range?” 

Spock turned slowly, scanning in every direction, before he shook his head. Kirk took in the shape of the building, the positioning of its details: there was a small rectangular door set dead center, with what looked like opaque windows alongside it, with a second row of windows higher above. 

“This doesn’t look like a community center to me,” Kirk said, and Spock met his eyes as he spoke. “It looks like a house.” Spock considered it, as April’s breath left his lungs harshly. Kirk looked over his shoulder again at all the tiny, one-room bunkers, and looked back at the comparatively enormous structure. “Admiral, why did you call Dextrum’s owner unpleasant?” 

April had pulled his phaser out, holding it loosely in both hands down in front of him, and he gazed over the building in front of them with a curl to his lip. “He’s a criminal ten times over, but we haven’t been able to pin him with anything. Then he showed up with proof that the government of Kindinos II sold him this planet, because they couldn’t be bothered to mine the dilithium themselves, and he badgered us into the worst deal we’ve ever cut just because he caught us at a bad time and we needed the dilithium for the new ships. He’s brash, and arrogant, and I have been waiting for something like this to happen for a year now.” 

There was only one person that Kirk could think of who could possibly have made such a name for himself and pulled off such a ridiculous gambit, but there was no sense in focusing on that question now. “If I were a miner, doing the hard labor of pulling this rock out of the earth, and I live in a one-room hole in the ground and the big boss lives in a veritable mansion…” He trailed off, shaking his head. Spock’s hypothesis from the night before seemed more and more likely. 

“Any signs of life inside, Spock?”

“None, captain.” 

“We’re going in.” Kirk strode to the front door, Spock on his heels, and pulled the latch set into the metal of the door. 

It swung open easily, revealing only darkness within. Spock flicked on the light set into his tricorder, and it shakily illuminated an entrance hallway with arches leading into other rooms on either side. Spock insinuated himself between Kirk and the doorway, and then crossed the threshold first. One hand floated towards his phaser, and the other held his tricorder light out. Kirk followed him in, and April brought up the rear. The hallway was garishly decorated, apparent even in the single weak light source. Enormous oil paintings of buxom women and exotic locales hung on every wall, and their footsteps were muffled by an oversized rug that stretched out into the darkness beyond them. Every step released a puff of the brown-gray dust that coated everything and the vibrant colors of the paintings were deadened by it. Spock turned curiously into one of the side rooms and aimed his light at the windows. 

“I believe windows have been entirely coated by this dust,” Spock said. 

“Cozy,” Kirk said, and he and Spock abandoned the room to continue deeper into the house. They passed two rooms with overstuffed couches built for lounging, and one with a dining room table and seats for twenty. The only place the dust had been disturbed was the head of the table, where one person had put a plate and glass and then removed them. April trailed behind them, peering dismissively at the evidence of a man who was unaccustomed to the hard life of living on an undeveloped planet. 

Further in the house, there was a rickety metal staircase spiraling upwards, and the entrance to a kitchen.

“Choose your own adventure,” Kirk said, and peered upward into the darkness as Spock pointed their flashlight up into the second floor. April glanced up as well before he turned his head sharply, narrowing his eyes at the darkness hiding the details of the kitchen. 

“Point that light over here, Mr. Spock,” he said, and Spock obliged. April gestured at the dust with his free hand. “Look at this--- it’s been disturbed more recently than the rest.” And so it was; there was a line in the fine, gritty dirt that was a slightly different color, as though something had been dragged across the floor and then the reclaiming dust had done its best to hide the evidence. The fine hairs on the back of Kirk’s neck stood at attention. He abandoned the staircase to follow Spock and April into the kitchen. Spock wielded the light as April followed the trail through the dust, ignoring the marble countertop of the island. But Kirk noted the island, and the expensive shine of the plates sitting in the open cabinets, and the heft of the ceramic utensil rest that he lifted off what looked like an induction stovetop. Someone had brought all the comforts of home to this mining town, and then had refused to share with his neighbors. Kirk banked the fire burning angrily in the pit of his stomach and turned to pay attention to Spock and April. 

There was a door in the wall in the corner of the room, and April opened it as he raised his phaser. Kirk blinked, and for a moment Tommy looked over his shoulder at him as they both stared down into a cellar that smelled of death and rot, and then he blinked again. Tommy wasn’t there. April and Spock stood at the yawning threshold and stared down a set of untrustworthy-looking stairs that descended into pitch blackness. Kirk swallowed his sudden nausea and stepped up behind them. 

“Cellar?” 

“Perhaps,” Spock said, and he must have heard something in Kirk’s voice because without looking at him he reached back one hand with two fingers extended and stroked them along the side of Kirk’s useless hand before bringing it back to his tricorder. He aimed the little machine down the stairs and frowned. “But unlikely. This staircase leads down into a tunnel that extends further than a cellar or basement would.” 

“How far?” 

Spock looked back at him, liquid-dark eyes shining in the dim light. “At least two thousand meters beyond the boundary of this house.” The sense of unease that had dripped into his stomach at the disturbed dust intensified. He locked eyes with Spock, who gave one sharp nod, before he turned to April. “Admiral, I really appreciate you coming down here. But I don’t think the owner is still here, and I can’t guarantee your safety if we go underground.”  

“Your concern is noted, captain, but I am going with you.” April’s tone brooked no argument, and his eyes were hard like flint. Kirk read his resolve in the lines of his face, and a level of apprehension that he didn’t understand, and he turned away from him and Spock to flip open his communicator. 

“Captain Kirk to the Enterprise, come in, Enterprise.” 

“I read you, captain, this is Enterprise.” Uhura’s voice came immediately, barely crackling over the comms. 

“Checking in. We’re fine, but we’ve found something underground that needs looking at, so we’re going in. Any news from the other teams?”

“They called in just a few moments ago. Nothing yet, but they’re both fine.” 

“Good, good. If we miss our check-in, ask Giotto to send another team down. We’re going beneath the big house.” 

“Acknowledged, captain.” 

“Thanks, Lieutenant. Kirk out.” He flipped his comm shut and turned to his companions. “Once more unto the breach, gentlemen?” 

April exhaled heavily through his nose, the only sign he gave that he was tired of Kirk, and allowed Spock to cross through the doorway first with the flashlight before he followed down the stairs. Kirk brought up the rear, following the light bouncing down into the dark, and tried to remind himself that there would not be metallic blue sludge waiting for him at the bottom. 

☆☆☆

There was no sludge at the bottom; only a long strip of the same magnetic rail that they had seen on the road outside, and dunes of the same dirt that coated everything along the sides of the tunnel. The tunnel itself was tall enough to stand up straight in, but not wide enough to walk shoulder to shoulder, and the walls were carved directly into the earth. Kirk frowned as he dragged one finger along them. The dirt was silken, easily malleable; he didn’t trust the structural integrity of their underground avenue.

Spock walked ahead with the flashlight, but every ten steps Kirk saw the whites of his eyes glint in the heavy dark as he glanced back, as if to assure himself that he had not lost Kirk to the black tunnel. April walked between them, phaser held in one hand, eyes trained on the horizon of Spock’s light ahead of them. They walked through the tunnel for fifteen minutes; long enough that Kirk was beginning to lose track of the minutes, and the monotony of the path was easing his nerves.

Then Spock halted, raising one hand in a symbol for them to stop behind him. He stood stock-still, head cocked slightly to turn one ear down the tunnel, and Kirk could see the tendons in his neck in shadowy relief as he listened. 

April opened his mouth, half a syllable emerging, before Spock whispered, “Hush,” and Kirk saw his stance shift from vaguely curious to high alert. He turned back to them, dropping his voice so low that Kirk could barely hear him, and said, “I hear voices ahead. At least ten, possibly more.” 

“The miners,” Kirk whispered back, and Spock nodded.

“I heard one say ‘dilithium.’” Kirk gestured for Spock to continue on carefully. He glanced at April as Spock faced forward again, and blinked. For half of one second, before the light shifted and the moment vanished, Kirk could have sworn that April’s face was drawn down with a profound sadness. But when April met his eyes, the expression was gone, as if it had never been. 

April nodded, and they followed Spock further down the tunnel. They crept forward more carefully, placing their feet gently, and Kirk unholstered his phaser to set it to ‘stun’ and keep it in his hand. Spock drew his, holding his tricorder in one hand and the phaser in the other. The tunnel started to grow wider, and as they continued, Kirk’s less-sensitive human ears began to pick up voices from further down. 

He leaned forward and tapped Spock’s shoulder to get his attention, and when he had it, he purposefully reholstered his weapon. He stood for a moment as Spock analyzed him, considering his decision, before he decreed it logical and put his own away as well. April watched both of them unhappily. 

“We don’t want to create a problem where there isn’t one,” Kirk whispered as quietly as he could.

“I feel certain there is already a problem,” April whispered back, and he kept his out. Kirk glanced at it. He didn’t like it, but again he was outranked. 

The tunnel continued to widen, and the far-off voices grew closer and louder, and once he was able to do so he stepped up to walk next to Spock. Spock glanced sideways at him, and adjusted himself so that he was just slightly in front of Kirk, his shoulder edged in front. April walked alongside them, his shoulders square, eyes sweeping ahead of them. The tunnel curved sideways, and as they rounded the edge, they saw something up ahead: light. Spock dimmed the tricorder’s little light and turned to April and Kirk. 

“There is a group of people approximately sixty meters ahead,” he said lowly. “We ought to proceed with caution. We do not want to startle these people into believing that we are a threat.” 

Kirk nodded, and they proceeded. Closer and closer they crept, until the murmuring voices coalesced into individual words---packing, and careful, and dilithium, and mine---and the light ahead grew brighter and brighter. Ten meters ahead Kirk saw a standalone light source--- quite similar to the ones that they kept on the Enterprise for when they needed to provide high visibility on a mission--- facing away from them. He pulled up into the last patch of shadow with Spock, clinging close to the wall for any cover it would provide.

“Alright,” he said, and turned to April to discuss their approach. But April stuck his phaser back into its holster and stepped ahead. “Admiral!” 

April ignored him. The harsh industrial lighting gleamed off his bald head as he walked straight into the center of the cavern that yawned open in front of them. 

Kirk hissed, “Admiral!” He glanced despairingly behind him, back into the safety of the dark tunnel, and froze. A shadowy figure emerged from behind them. Spock slid between Kirk and the figure, drawing his phaser in one subtle, fluid motion. Kirk drew his own, pressing his shoulder to Spock’s, turning sideways to cover their backs as his heartbeat picked up. From the corner of his eye he could see the shadow of movement of others along the perimeter of the cavern, circling them. 

“The admiral,” he murmured to Spock, and he felt, more than he saw, Spock’s answering nod. No one had fired on April yet, or even acknowledged his appearance in the room, and he was looking around at whatever he could see from his central position, but Kirk could still see movement---

April turned back to them, a curious expression on his face. The figure stepped out of the shadows and into the unforgiving light. 

He was not a miner. 

The world stopped spinning beneath them. Kirk’s heart stopped beating. His blood froze in his veins as he stared at a man in a uniform that he had not seen outside of his nightmares for almost twenty years. The Section 31 agent only spared them one glance as he strode from the tunnel behind them, a box clasped tightly in his gloved hands, and towards April in the center. 

Kirk staggered forward one step, raising his phaser to protect April, to stun the agent---

“Good morning, sir,” the agent said as he passed April, and April inclined his head in greeting before clasping his hands behind his back and turning back to them. Kirk stood frozen, as stuck as if his feet had been cemented to the ground. April’s eyes flicked between Kirk and Spock, who sidled around him now to keep his body between Kirk’s and the agent’s, and he sighed. 

“God damn it. So you both know.” He unclasped his hands to pinch the bridge of his nose between two fingers. The words echoed through Kirk’s head, shattering senselessly against the inside of his brain. April stared down at the ground, hand hiding his expression, before looking back up at them with undisguised grief. 

“I tried everything in my power to keep us from this point,” April said quietly. “And you fought me every step of the way, Kirk. Why couldn’t you stand down?”

April knew. 

April was part of it. April worked for Section 31. As a burning spear of betrayal struck through his stomach, and his heart hammered in his chest, the cold glassy pane of disassociation slid down over Kirk’s thoughts. Spock’s head twitched from side to side next to him, brown eyes assessing the cavern around them, the tunnel they’d left behind. Kirk slowly increased the power on his phaser by one level and gripped it tighter.

“That is not a wise idea, captain,” April said, glancing down at his hands. Kirk’s knuckles were white. Spock moved sideways, putting himself one step ahead of Kirk’s shoulder, his posture sliding from upright and stoic to that of a predator in the span of a heartbeat. Now that they were standing in the light, Kirk could see: a full team of soldiers in those black uniforms, gloved hands passing securely latched boxes from person to person, taking them somewhere beyond the edge of the cavern. “You will be coming with us regardless of your actions, so I recommend that you don’t do anything too brash.” 

“Like hell we will,” Kirk said, and kept his phaser where it was. From over April’s shoulder he could see more soldiers approaching, and one from over Spock’s.

“Disarm them, please,” April said, and the soldier closest to Spock broke into a run. Spock slapped his phaser back into its holster and ran to intercept him. So fast that Kirk could barely track his movement, Spock shoved the man’s phaser-hand upward, grabbed the weapon, and tossed it behind Kirk where it slid up against the wall. He twisted the man’s arm behind his head. When his back was to him, his other hand dropped down onto the crook of his neck and pinched. The man slumped to the ground, incapacitated, and Spock spun with a snarl to the other two soldiers as they approached, more cautiously than the first had. 

April raised one hand, and the two soldiers halted. “Mr. Spock, reports of your pacifism seem to be greatly exaggerated. But I think you’ll find that standing down would be more… logical.” He nodded to Kirk, and Spock’s head snapped to him. They both looked down at the small red dot that had appeared on Kirk’s uniform shirt, hovering over his heart. 

Kirk looked up, past April, and saw a woman across the cavern from him, plasma rifle balanced carefully on a stack of boxes. She nodded in acknowledgement when his eyes found hers before slotting herself back to the sight on the rifle. 

“I’m sorry, Mr. Spock,” April said quietly. “But I would recommend putting your weapon and your communicator down.” From across the cavern, Kirk saw the sniper’s shoulders settle. The red dot rested unwaveringly on his chest. Spock’s eyes were trained on it, and Kirk could see that great mind calculating percentages and statistics even before he raised his gaze to meet Kirk’s. 

Spock pulled his comm from his belt and the phaser from the holster before dropping both to the dirt at his feet. 

“Wise,” April commented, as Spock returned to Kirk’s side, angling himself so that the dot of the rifle’s laser sight rested on his shoulder instead of Kirk’s chest. “Yours too, please, captain.” 

Kirk glanced at the laser sight on Spock’s shoulder before pulling his comm and phaser off his belt as well. “What’s going on here, admiral?” His voice sounded very far away, even to his own ears. His phaser and comms hit the dirt with a dull thud, and he nudged them away from him with his foot. 

“Stupid doesn’t suit you, Kirk,” April said softly, and Kirk’s mind snapped back to a subspace call with April two weeks ago, when he had said that he was taking Spock away, that he was sending Spock to another ship---

“Come with me,” April said, and turned over his shoulder. “I’ll tell you as much as I can.” Kirk and Spock exchanged a glance, and he knew they were in agreement. They followed April through the cavern and stuck close to each other. By Kirk’s count, there were a few over twenty Section 31 agents milling through the cavern, disappearing into and reappearing from the tunnels that dotted the larger room. Two of them hefted the one that Spock had pinched over their shoulders and vanished with him down another tunnel straight ahead. 

“You are both acquainted with Section 31,” April said. “But do either of you know what its actual purpose is?”

“I hypothesized that it was primarily dedicated to research,” Spock said, and he glanced at Kirk; Kirk nodded. Yes, that was the best option; keep April talking, get him to explain as much as they could while they sought another way out. 

“That’s not untrue,” April said, and nodded to the scurrying agents as they shuttled those locked boxes deeper into the tunnels. No one spared them a glance, but Kirk was viciously gratified to see that no one was willing to pass within two meters of Spock. “But it does go a little broader than that. The Federation needs a variety of tools to protect the interest of its citizens and ensure that actors like the Klingons are not able to interfere with our affairs. Starfleet, as a whole, is a hammer, and to you, everything looks like a nail. 31 is a scalpel.” April glanced at them, and his hand rested on his phaser, as if they needed a reminder of who currently held the power. 

“I do not understand your analogies, admiral. Please speak plainly,” Spock said, but the badly disguised anger in the set of his shoulders said that he very much did. 

“Starfleet, and starships and their captains, tend to be loud and flashy. 31 is able to act with more subtlety, more… finesse. Part of its value comes from being able to operate without public scrutiny. 31 conducts research, develops technology, and asks questions, same as the VSA.” He nodded at Spock, as if they were now speaking the same language, and a minute muscle in Spock’s jaw twitched as if he were offended by the comparison. “But when something goes wrong, something that gives our enemies the opportunity to take advantage of a weakness, 31 is the best tool for mitigating that damage.”

April gestured around at them, at the contingent of individuals in black uniforms. “Dextrum wasn’t beholden to our labor laws, because it wasn’t a Federation company. When the conflict first broke out, there was a possibility that we would both lose our investment and face backlash on a galactic level from working with an organization that treated its workers like this. Section 31 was called in to make sure that, at the very least, we got the dilithium we paid for.” 

“But we weren’t supposed to be here,” Kirk burst out. His fury was heavy on his tongue. 

“Who is we, captain?” April asked, bemused. “You were not supposed to be here. I tried to keep you and Spock from ever seeing this at all. But then you answered that call for help, the one that was never supposed to have been sent, and I couldn’t stop you.” 

They entered a tunnel, not as narrow as the first but still smaller than the cavern behind, and April strode ahead while Kirk and Spock walked shoulder to shoulder. For one second, in the darkness, Kirk grabbed onto Spock’s hand and squeezed, and Spock squeezed back. Then they reemerged into the light and he released his grip. 

“Admiral,” Spock said, as he looked around at the lofty cavern around them, and the telescoping ladder leaning against the wall on the far side of the space. “Please clarify why you are willing to share this information now, when you would not before.” 

For a second, Kirk watched as a muscle ticked in April’s neck, as he heard a soft clicking as April’s throat closed, as April turned his face away from them both. When he turned back again, even as his face remained neutral his eyes revealed his grief. 

“You two never should have been allowed to serve on the same ship,” he said. “Regardless of what Pike thought of your potential together. I said the risks were too high, but others were so convinced that a Vulcan would never befriend humans that they were willing to ignore it.” April’s voice was profanely gentle when he continued. “Sometimes it felt like I was the only one who remembered S’chn T’gai Michael Burnham, and that she had been human.” 

Spock’s eyes widened. 

“I tried to separate you before it was too late,” April said, and his voice hoarsened. He pressed his hand against his sternum and closed his eyes for a second longer than normal. He clenched his jaw as his eyebrows pulled together. “But your damned Vulcan telepathy… the link to the ambassador, to Amanda Grayson, and to T’Pau, who already didn’t trust us…” April hissed a breath out through his teeth, and with every second, every secret, the wrinkles of his face and the dark circles under his eyes deepened. “I didn’t want to do this.” 

“Then don’t,” Kirk said. In the space of those two words, he finally understood how Madeleine and Natalya had heard the unsaid threat in the auditorium on Tarsus. He felt the same burning clarity in his bones as he turned to Spock, felt electric fear skittering along his skin like lightning. Spock was turning to him, his apprehension plain in his beautiful brown eyes, reaching one long hand out for him, when April said, voice tight, “Make it look like an accident.” 

Kirk heard the whine of a charging phaser behind him. He was standing in the auditorium on Tarsus, next to Tommy and the littles. He was standing in the cavern, hundreds of feet below the surface of Kindinos. He was standing in front of Spock on their wedding night as Spock reached out to take his hands. 

“No,” he said, and he snatched Spock’s outstretched hand and yanked as hard as he could. The cavern lit up with the light of phaser fire. Spock stumbled against him, his breath leaving him in a rush as he collided with Kirk’s chest. They both rocked backwards. Kirk wrapped his arms around Spock and spun them both, Spock’s feet clumsy and dragging beneath them. Spock was warm in his arms. His breath brushed Kirk’s ear.

Kirk’s hand was warm and wet when he pulled it away from Spock’s back. He looked down over the planes of Spock’s shoulder to see green coating his palm. 

“No,” he said again, and something vital inside him shattered. “No, hey, Spock, look at me. Look at me.” 

From somewhere very far away, he heard an unfamiliar voice say, “Should I fire again?” April responded, “No. It’s just a matter of time. Leave them be, but grab Kirk before we take off.” 

Spock leaned heavily against him, head resting on his shoulder, and his voice was low and weak as he breathed, “Captain.” His knees buckled. Kirk lowered them both to the ground, taking as much of Spock’s weight as he could, holding him close in an awful parody of intimacy. Spock slid sideways as he lost his balance, and Kirk caught his head in his hand before it could hit the ground. Spock’s hair was silky against his palm, but the blood on Kirk’s hands dampened the strands and made them stick to each other. It smudged against his forehead and drew little green lines over his skin. He coughed, sprawled on the ground where he lay, legs bent beneath him. The only things Kirk could feel were the weight of Spock’s head in his hand and the hard earth beneath his knees. Spock’s face was too pale, and his eyes were glassy as he looked up at Kirk bending over him. 

“Captain,” Spock said, and he lifted one shaking hand to Kirk’s face. 

“No,” Kirk said again, and ripped what was left of Spock’s shirt open. The phaser fire had torn through Spock’s chest, entering from the left side of his back and exiting near his sternum. The smell of burning skin turned his stomach, but he forced himself to look. It felt like one of his nightmares, but he couldn’t wake himself up. “It’s not so bad, see? It’s not so bad.” It was worse. The phaser had been set to kill, and it had seared Spock open. But, Kirk realized, as Spock’s cold hand landed unsteadily on his neck, that if he hadn’t pulled Spock towards him it would have gone straight through his spine and heart. 

“Jim,” Spock said, and coughed again. There was a speck of green at the corner of Spock’s mouth, and Kirk wiped it away with his thumb. 

“Hush,” he said. “You’re going to be fine.” He knelt over Spock, hands fluttering uselessly over the expanse of burned skin and wishing that he were Bones, and realized in horror that he could see Spock’s ribs inside his body. They rose and fell with his unsteady breathing. Spock’s hand groped for his and clasped it. 

“My Jim.” Spock coughed. “Ashayam.” The Vulcan word slid like water, like blood, off his tongue, and Kirk’s eyes burned hot with tears as he remembered in a flash that first morning, sitting across from Spock in the mess, teasing Spock, watching him drink his tea as they planned their fake relationship. Beloved. Beloved. Beloved. He pressed their joined hands to his chest and leaned over him. Something dug into his stomach. 

Something hard and metallic was digging into his stomach. 

“You’re gonna be okay, honey, I promise,” Kirk said, and he reached one hand inside his shirt to pull out Scotty’s experimental comm. Spock’s eyes followed his hand lazily, and he shook his head. 

“No, captain,” he said, and his voice was weak. “Use it for yourself…” He trailed off as his chest spasmed, and he coughed wetly. His blood seeped into the dirt beneath him, staining his shirt and Kirk’s pants.

“Absolutely not,” Kirk said fiercely, and he flipped the comm open in the space beside Spock’s body and his knees. Within it was one single red button. He pressed it.

Nothing happened. He slid it into the remains of Spock’s mangled shirt, where it rested on his stomach, and redoubled his grasp on Spock’s hand. “Hold on,” he said. “Scotty will get you out.” He had never prayed so hard for something to be true. 

Spock’s eyes were trained on his face, as if he were memorizing the lines of it. “Why?” 

“You have to ask?” Kirk shook his hand lightly before pressing it against his chest again, and slid his hand over Spock’s forehead, through his hair, smoothing it back away from his face. “I promised to keep you and protect you, didn’t I?” Kirk’s voice shook. Spock’s unfocused eyes searched his, but his eyelids were drooping.

Was it Kirk’s imagination, or was Spock starting to dissolve? 

“For better and for worse, against all dangers, as long as I live,” Kirk said. The edges of Spock’s body softened, glowing golden with the molecular confusion of a transporter lock, and Kirk half-laughed as tears threatened to spill down his cheeks. Scotty, that mad beautiful genius. Kirk was going to owe him and Giotto whatever they wanted for the rest of their lives, assuming that he made it out in one piece. 

Beloved. Beloved. Beloved. Spock’s eyes were locked on him, the warm brown that he had come to cherish over every other color, and he ran one hand over Spock’s cheek. 

“I love you,” he said. “You’re my best friend, and my husband, and I want you to be both of those things for the rest of my life.” 

Spock’s eyes refocused, hardening as he started to vibrate entirely into gold. Kirk heard someone from behind him yell out, but there was nothing that they could do to him now. The only thing that mattered was that Spock would be safe, that Bones would fix him, that he wouldn’t die here, bleeding out on the cold stone floor. 

“I will come back for you, ashayam,” Spock said, voice harsh with the blood in his throat. Kirk kissed the back of Spock’s hand and laid it gently on Spock’s stomach. Then he sat back on his heels and watched in heartstopping relief as Spock shimmered entirely out of his vision and disappeared, leaving behind only the green bloodstain on the dusty stone floor. 

April roared, “What did you do?” 

“Protected my husband,” Kirk said, and he grinned ruthlessly at April from where he knelt on the ground. April frowned down at him before nodding sharply. 

From behind him a phaser whined and discharged, and the world around him vanished into blackness before he had even hit the ground.

☆☆☆

Kirk’s face pressed against something cold and metallic. He could feel the rumbling of an engine reverberating through his cheekbone, rattling his skull and intensifying what was the beginning of a splitting headache. His hands were tied behind his back, and he lay facedown on his stomach. Behind him, he could hear murmured conversation; one deep and familiar voice, and an unfamiliar one. Where the hell was he? 

April’s voice said, “Thank you. Dismissed.” His heavy footsteps rang against the floor, and Kirk felt each footfall through his bones. 

April had fooled them, betrayed them. Someone had hurt Spock. And now, he was… where, exactly? The feel of the engine and the faint recycled smell of the air told him he was on a shuttle, but with no idea how long he had been out and no comm device to use for coordinates, he was lost. But Spock had gotten out. The Enterprise had beamed him aboard. That was what mattered. 

April sat down somewhere in the vicinity of Kirk’s shoulders and sighed. Then he said, “Are you awake yet, captain?” 

Kirk stayed still, weighing his options. He could pretend to be out still and wait until April left, or he could reveal his consciousness and see if he could get April to talk again. Any information would help him at this point. 

He lifted his head, peeling his cheek painfully from the metal floor, and turned his head to look April’s way. “April,” he said, as coldly as he could manage. He thought he could be forgiven for abandoning his decorum at a time like this. 

“I am sorry, for what it’s worth,” April said, and Kirk snorted. But April looked awful. His eyes were sunken in his face, dark circles beneath them, and the muscles of his face looked like he had forgotten what smiling was long ago. He met April’s eyes.

The other man shifted forward out of his seat and rolled Kirk onto his side before pushing him upright and retreating to his bench seat again. There was a secured stack of cases behind Kirk, and he leaned back against them, stretching his legs out in front of him. He was definitely on a shuttle--- a small one, by the width of the room they were in--- and the stars passed by the window over April’s shoulder at sublight speed.

April studied him for a minute before sighing again. “I knew this was going to end badly for you the day that you fought me to keep Spock. You should have let him go.” 

Kirk resisted the urge to spit at him, but it was a close thing. He felt like a caged animal. It was only the restraint of his hands tied behind his back that kept him from throttling April. April, who had ordered the shot that had sprayed Spock’s lungs over the shirt that he still wore, who had pulled those horrible gasping breaths out of him as Kirk lowered him to the ground--- but he couldn’t think about Spock and that wound right now, or he would crumble. He pushed his thoughts behind the wall in his mind and focused on what was around him, before him. 

“I was never going to do that,” Kirk said. “Not if he didn’t want to go.” 

“So you married him?” April dragged one hand over his face. “I had hoped that it was all a ruse, just another one of your Corbomite maneuvers to outbluff me--- but. I do have eyes, after all. As soon as you responded to the distress call, I received my orders.” 

“And what orders were those?” 

“To make you my strategic extraction,” April said. He dropped his hands into his lap. “31 wants you, captain.” 

Kirk laughed once, harshly. It grated on his throat. “I will never work for you. I wouldn’t have done it before, and I’m certainly not going to do it now.”

“Because we hurt Mr. Spock?” 

“Because you hurt my husband,” Kirk snarled, leaning forward, and was gratified by April’s nervous twitch.

“I understand your reticence, captain, but your consent is not required.” 

“Is that so? Are you going to track down Spock and put a phaser to his head every time you need something from me?” 

April watched the stars go by the window over Kirk’s head for a minute before he said, “The solution is a little more elegant than that, and one that I believe you are already acquainted with.” 

A cold line of fear dripped into Kirk’s stomach--- a method of forcing his hand that he was already acquainted with? What the hell could that mean? The door at the head of the room slid open, and a woman in the black 31 uniform walked in. 

“Docking in thirty seconds, admiral,” she said, and he nodded at her before she disappeared back into what seemed to be the cockpit of the shuttle. 

“I’m sure she’ll show you soon enough,” April said, and stood. He vanished through the door to the cockpit, leaving Kirk alone in the back of the shuttle. He staggered to his feet immediately, shoving himself upright as quickly as he could with his arms still bound. He pressed his face against the window, trying to see where they were docking---

A huge ship appeared out of the darkness before him as the shuttle swung around. It was nearly as big as the Enterprise, but a newer, unfamiliar design--- it was sleeker, and darker. To Kirk, it looked unfriendly. There were no numbers or names tagged onto the ship anywhere that he could see, but it was built in the same styles as other Federation ships. It grew larger and larger in the tiny window before the shuttle was entirely swallowed by the ship and the view was replaced by the docking bay. 

The turbodoor slid open and Kirk shifted backwards, tensing. April stepped back in. 

“Got a look at the ship, did you?” His voice was jovial enough, though it seemed like all of the little light remaining had left his eyes. “She’s gorgeous, and almost brand new. You might come to like her, after a time.” 

“Somehow I doubt that,” Kirk said. “I’m a one-ship man, myself.” 

April held his eyes, and there was nothing in his face of the man who had been on the Enterprise, harassing his crew, just days before. He was still flesh and bone, but the spirit had fled somewhere between Kindinos and this ship. 

For a moment Kirk held his eyes, and April’s jaw worked, throat tensing, until he pressed a hand to his mouth and turned away. When he turned back, whatever he had wanted to say was gone. 

“If you’d follow me, captain,” April said, and gestured in front of him. “There is someone who wants to see you.” 

“I can’t shake any hands if you don’t untie me,” Kirk said as he passed. He got an eyeful of the cockpit as he stepped through it and down onto the runner along the shuttle. It looked like those on the Enterprise. If he could somehow steal one, he could fly it. 

“We won’t think any less of you if you forget your manners,” April said, and followed him down. Kirk stepped down onto the shuttle bay floor and looked around him in abject awe. The hangar was enormous--- bigger than even the Engineering department on the Enterprise. There were six shuttles resting along the runway, two recently landed with crew streaming out of them, and room for more. An entire contingent of people in 31 blacks scuttled around: working on shuttles, or passing by on catwalks overhead, or flowing in and out of the doors dotted around the hangar. 

“Where’d you get the money for a ship like this?” Kirk wondered out loud. 

April smiled slightly, a horrible rictus, and said, “I can be very convincing when I need to be.” He walked towards one of the larger doors leading into the depths of the ship, and the shuttle navigator prodded Kirk forward with her drawn phaser. He followed April, memorizing the layout of the hangar and the catwalks above him as best he could. Maybe he could break his restraints and steal a shuttle. Maybe he could steal a comms unit and get Uhura’s attention on some radio frequency, somehow. Maybe he could---

The large door before them slid open, and the first thing he noticed was the shine of fluorescent lights on steel gray hair. A woman strode towards him and April, flanked by a retinue of Section 31 officers, and Kirk knew her. Her hair had been blonde, and her skin once had fewer wrinkles, but Kirk knew her: he knew her twinkling eyes and heart-shaped face and gentle posture. His feet stopped moving involuntarily. His hands went numb behind his back as he stared at her. 

“Captain James Kirk,” Elise Darling called, and her voice was just as it had always been; warm and inviting and utterly undeniable. “Oh, I always knew that you were going to be special. Welcome to the headquarters of Section 31.” 

[the-derpy-duck]

For the world is hollow and I have touched the sky makes me think a lot of thoughts.

Yippeeeeeee!!! McCoy is my favorite Star Trek character. He might be one of my favorite characters in general. I like that he is empathetic but not exactly ‘nice’. He doesn’t express empathy in the way that is generally expected, but he obviously has empathy in a way that Kirk and Spock do not. His actions are driven by his emotions, him and Spock come into conflict because of this. The main two three characters make up a large portion of the show and it’s one of the easiest things to see in any given episode because both Spock and McCoy are extremely stubborn and believe themselves to be in the right. To Spock, McCoy acts irrationally, to McCoy Spock is sociopathic in everything he does. Despite coming from a planet filled with people who have minor telepathic abilities Spock has a difficult time understanding the feelings of those around him, and McCoy can’t fully understand Spock or his emotions despite being so empathetic. He knows that Spock feels emotions and he calls him out a lot because he wants to be right, Spock disputes him with logic every time because (logically) he also wants to be right. Long way of saying, they are fighting and the reason why they are fighting is fairly ironic.

I’ve been watching a lot of Star Trek. I’ve watched more of a show from the 60s then I ever wanted to. A lot of the episodes are really good. A lot of them are really bad. All of them are from a show that was made in the 60s. I think that the best and worsts parts of shows often stem from when they are made, as attitudes change with time so do the ways actions and ideas are presented in media. As we develop better technology we are able to do more. TOS Star Trek has a lot of charm and it is fun, it also is unapologetically and unforgivably from the 60s and I love it for being that. I think the show has told many good stories and I think ‘For The World Is Hollow And I Have Touched The Sky’ is one of them. That’s a really long title holy shit.

The episode is centered around McCoy. He is the main character for arguably the fist time and he is dying. The episode opens with him telling Kirk that he is going to die (after a small fight with Nurse Chapel) and asking him not to tell anyone. Kirk agrees but is clearly upset because his friend and CMO is dying and he has one year to live. The enterprise runs into an asteroid that is going to collide with another planet in 390 days. Kirk, Spock, and McCoy beam aboard the asteroid which is actually a spaceship. Nurse Chapel says ‘a lot can happen in a year’ to McCoy. He is probably leaving Star fleet due to whole death thing and this is probably the last time he will ever go on a mission for the Enterprise. Kirk wants him to stay on the ship because it is a lot safer for him there, McCoy refuses and insists on going. Spock has probably clocked onto the fact that they are both acting weird. They are confronted by the people who inhabit the spaceship and are overpowered. McCoy is knocked unconscious for a very short period of time and Kirk explains that they come in friendship. He also helps McCoy stand up again. The priestess, Natira, takes them to see the oracle which is their leader. It is also explicitly stated that they think that the spaceship is an actual planet. The oracle shocks all three and they are all knocked out. The group is then taken to their own little space. Kirk and Spock wake up but McCoy is still unconscious. Spock comments that he must have been hit with a stronger shock. Kirk explains to him that McCoy is dying. When McCoy wakes up Spock puts his hand on his shoulder for an extended period of time. This is his way of showing support and that he is upset about the fact that McCoy is dying. It looks like he squeezing his shoulder, McCoy moves and he keeps holding on. He doesn’t say anything and I think this could be representative of Spock’s need for his friend, although they may bicker a lot they are friends and Spock’s life would be a lot more empty without McCoy in it. He isn’t ready to let go of him yet. Kirk tells McCoy that Spock knows and they move on. A man enters and he explains that he knows that the world is a spaceship because he climbed a mountain (which is forbidden) and touched the sky. He says this as he is out through an extreme of pain before he dies. A devise is in his head and it glows red when it is hurting him. Natira enters with some other women and she gives them food. Kirk notices that she likes McCoy and it seems to be reciprocated. Kirk comes up with the idea for McCoy to talk to her and stay with her while Kirk and Spock find out what’s going on with the oracle. Things go very badly and Natira wants to kill them but doesn’t because McCoy doesn’t want them dead. An interesting thing to note is that when McCoy was talking to Natira he says that he was never happy. He also wants to stay on this planet and I don’t think it’s entirely for Natira. He likes her a lot but I think another factor is the fact that he doesn’t want his friends to have to watch him slowly wither away and die. He wants them to suffer as little as possible and staying on this spacecraft living with someone he loved would be a way for them to think that he spent his last moments in peace. It would line up with the way he’s been characterized up to this point. Eventually the gang figures out that this is a ship from a galaxy long sense destroyed and it has been floating for around 10,000 years. This detail is important. McCoy becomes apart of the society and the obedience thing (what killed the old man from earlier) is put in his head. McCoy figured out how to access a book that Spock can read to fix everything. He contacts the Enterprise but almost dies in the process. Spock removes the obedience chip and he fixes stuff. They also find a large database of medical information so McCoy isn’t gonna die anymore.

That was a lot and a very bad summary, I highly suggest watching the episode as it is very good. I think the ship is a metaphor for how religion is used to manipulate and hurt people. Hear me out. So Natira is a priestess and whenever Kirk and Spock go see the oracle on their own it is called sacrilege, which is when there is a violation of what is considered sacred. The man walking up the mountain despite it being forbidden could be an illusion to a few different biblical stories but none would line up exactly. The book is the largest thing for me though. This could be interpreted as just humanity in general with facts and science and studies and whatever, but my own experiences make me lean more into religion. The people are not allowed to read the book. They have also been floating around for 10,000 years which I think is about how long our recorded history is. I could be wrong though. The people blindly follow the oracle and it will use its power to make sure that they stay in line. This is demonstrated with the old man, McCoy, and even Natira.

Widespread literacy was not always a thing and this was especially true during the Middle Ages in Europe. Art was so important because it was how the people could learn and know about their faith, but the upper class (which did include preachers) were able to read. The general population was unable to check to see if what they were being taught was accurate to the original text which created a power imbalance and an exploitable population. During the time a bit before the French Revolution (not the Middle Ages or when widespread illiteracy was a thing) the clergy used money from the peasants for their own gain.Religious groups have also used their power to silence people. Galileo was put under house arrest because the church believed in the geocentric model whereas he presented evidence for a heliocentric model. Despite this Galileo was still Catholic and believed in the Christian faith when he died. The old man who we see in the episode could very easily be a Galileo stand in. He climbed a mountain, a forbidden thing to do, in pursuit of scientific discovery relating to space. He spent a large portion of his life being unable to share this information but was willing to die to get it out. Natira is upset by his death but doesn’t seem to recognize it as a failing of the oracle but of his outspokenness and his need to spread his word. I’m not very knowledgeable about Galileo’s history but my astronomy teacher said that he believed that Galileo wasn’t put to death in large part because he was Christian and because the people who wanted him dead knew that he was right, but he was too loud about it. Old man is Galileo. Mistranslations and misinterpretations of the Bible specifically are widespread today and it causes a lot of people to be shunned and othered in certain communities. As a queer person who is also Catholic I have experienced this firsthand. I also live in a generally conservative area although it is very close to a city. Although my parents aren’t actively homophobia and I am very lucky that they were mostly chill they still have issues regarding the lgbtq community. I don’t think that this episode is specifically about gay issues but it is about control. McCoy no longer has control over how long he will live. Spock cannot control the fact that his friend is dying. Kirk can’t control McCoy. Nurse Chapel encourages McCoy to take control over the little time he has left and to live a good life. The oracle works to keep control over the people. I don’t fully think that the motivations of the oracle matter that much, because it’s not about the oracle it’s about what the oracle does and how it affects these people’s lives and how it reflects onto us. The oracle works to maintain control, because if the people read the book then they would be able to understand that they are not where they need to be. And the oracle would be corrected, as it is done in the episode. More connections to religion can be very easily spotted in the episode, the people kneel when they are in the presence of the oracle, they are promised a paradise that will eventually come and they are never given a date for this paradise (note that when the asteroid arrives at its destination it will crash into a planet and both the people on the asteroid and planet will die, creating a small Armageddon), the ‘creators’ gave the people a book of teachings that is hidden in a rock, and even the star that’s on the oracle has a bit of religious imagery. When Jesus and two of the apostles went up the mountain and Jesus either showed them god or turned into a heavenly form it was stated that his face shinning like the sun. The three wise men also follow a star (I think it was the brightest star) to find Jesus, and in old Catholic art (and modern catholic art but it’s a lot more toned down) people who were important characters were depicted as having a yellow halo/ring around their head.

Also this is the biggest stretch but I think the cure to McCoy’s illness being found in the data logs could be a reference to Jesus healing people, preforming miracles, and bringing people back from the dead. Look. It’s an explanation, that doesn’t mean it’s a good one.

A major part of this episode is McCoy facing the fact that he will die. Religion helps a lot of people feel calm about death and the potential of nothing. It brings people peace and that is not something anyone will ever have the right to take away from a person. McCoy joining this world could be like when people who are dying turn to religion. It can be inferred that McCoy is Christian through a few comments and context regarding where he is from. McCoy is from Georgia (or at the very least the American south but I think he’s specifically from Georgia) and that’s apart of the Bible Belt, aka lots of religious people live there. McCoy also makes a few references to the Bible, mainly in regards to the Garden of Eden. The spaceship (a religion) helps give him a sense of belonging, purpose, and community, as well as a sense of control that he lost earlier in the episode, but it doesn’t take away from the fact that this world will kill a lot of people. But the people on the asteroid, at this point in time, do not know or have the ability to change the fact that they are gonna crash into a planet. It was a malfunction and one that was actively hidden from them. It’s sort of comparable to Fahrenheit 451 in the sense that they never got to live in a world where they had a choice. This is how they were raised basically. Montag and co were never in control or their world, their parents and their parents’ parents were the ones who made the world the way it was, they were just raised in it. They didn’t choose to not read because it was never an option. They have only known propaganda and they were never taught media literacy. The same logic can be applied to the people of a Yonada, the decision was made for them centuries before any of the characters were born. They aren’t stupid, they just didn’t have a choice.

Another interesting thing to me is that McCoy doesn’t seem to be that good at lying to people about how he feels. We’ve seen Kirk flirt with women a lot of times but it is almost always because he is lying to them and trying to get something. McCoy doesn’t flirt, the one time that he does have a love plot he genuinely cared about the other person. Kirk doesn’t consider how his actions will affect people in the way that McCoy does. In the Omega Galaxy episode McCoy is very compassionate towards the captain of the other ship for the first third of the episode. Kirk is very compassionate, which is why he is (mostly) a good leader, but he isn’t exactly empathetic and definitely not in the way that McCoy is. Anyway, I do believe that McCoy genuinely cared about and loved Natira. Apart of why he wanted to stay was because he genuinely enjoyed her company, I think the other part has to do with not wanting his friends to see him die but that’s already been stated. McCoy has never come off as the type of person who would lie about emotions, he makes it clear when he is being sarcastic but I don’t think he has ever lied about his emotions to gain something. Although when Kirk and Spock lie it is mostly out of necessity so they can return to the Enterprise. Kirks main solution to every problem sometimes seems to be lie and flirt basically. But I think that’s mainly because I’ve been binging the show and watching like three or four episodes per day sometimes. McCoy isn’t very good at being manipulative or flirting but he is very good at disobeying orders.

The interpersonal relationships between McCoy and everyone else is developed quite a bit. He fights with Chapel at the start of the episode and they are implied to be very close friends. She genuinely wants him to spend the rest of his time doing things that would make him happy. Which makes sense, I would imagine that working closely with someone for such a long time would cause people to become very close. Spock is also affirmed to be McCoy’s friend multiple times, the whole logic vs emotion debate doesn’t really ever start because it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter if something doesn’t make logical sense in this scenario because in a year McCoy will be dead. Spock cares a lot about both Kirk and McCoy, and despite how much they fight both of them do (begrudgingly) respect each other. When Spock asked McCoy to come with him and Kirk for the thing in ‘Amok Time’ he agreed without question or any snarky comments, he also did try to learn how to do the Vulcan hand salute. He said that it hurt but I think that was meant to be taken literally. I think most people need to train their hands to do the thing and I don’t think McCoy would actively go out of his way to insult Vulcan culture past the whole being obsessed with logic thing (not gonna get into the debate on if or not Vulcan is obsessed with logic or if a culture can be obsessed with something. Not what this is about.) the main issue that McCoy seems to take issue with is the way that Spock handles things. They are set up to fight but they are friends. The fact that McCoy wouldn’t have told Spock on his own is also interesting to me. I think a large part of that is because he is extremely prideful, but I also think that no matter how Spock were to react McCoy would be upset by it. If he had an emotional reaction (which he arguably did) then that would be bad because he is a Vulcan and that’s a big no no. But if he didn’t care then that would mean something else entirely and I don’t think that something is else is something that McCoy would want to confront in his life. He wants to die not knowing exactly how his friend would take this news because his friend is a repressed prick emotionally unavailable 99.99% of the time and is never emotionally available for McCoy. Kirk is also very badly affected by the news that McCoy is dying. He respects McCoys desire to not have anyone else be told. I think the way that he is portrayed in the episode is very well done, Kirk values the lives of all the crewmen on his ship but he is friends with McCoy. They are extremely casual with each other and I think that McCoy is the only person who constantly will go against Kirks’s orders in sound mind because he does not agree with them. In general I thought that the acting was well done in this episode, DeForest Kelly did an amazing job and I think he generally just plays the character of McCoy extremely well.

Outside of a religious reading, this episode has a lot of general commentary about dogmas and how misinformation spreads through generations. It’s fairly one to one for both a religious reading and a general secular reading, the asteroid spacecraft has been traveling for around 10,000 years which I think is roughly how long we’ve (humanity’s) recorded history. We’ve lost a lot of history due to the burning of books, purposely or accidental, and the longer we exist and the more history we record the harder it is to teach our history. Schools have to cut out parts of history because there isn’t enough time to teach everything (speaking in the us, I took ap history classes so it was very different for me I got to learn a lot more history but for on level classes I know it’s a bit different). We also just loose stories and we loose bits of history. Movies and books get lost because copies weren’t made, people cover up their own tracks to make sure they are safe and that makes looking back harder. There is that one Russian composer who was gay and his letters to his brother were censored for many years. Gay and trans people have existed for a long time and so has their works, but they get hidden and destroyed. A binary gender wasn’t fully the normal in native cultures to my knowledge and understanding but I’m also not an expert on that. We will never be able to learn everything but we can still learn a lot. But we have lost things to obscurity. People will continue to lie for their own gain and benefit, but sometimes we don’t realize that we are lying. When a fact becomes widely accepted it is what is true, which is part of what this episode is warning against. This also gives it another connection to F 451, in a very broad sense the societies are similar. They are both oppressive, the main population had no power in making the world, and the messages and themes are similar.

McCoy and Kirk are so similar yet so different that it makes me think they are almost character foils of each other. They both are compassionate and use emotions when making decisions, but McCoy actually understands and feels the emotions of those around him, he’s a bit more considerate than Kirk but he’s not as good with words or as tactful, he’s still blunt and he’s not necessarily nice about what’s happening. McCoy’s own emotions often blind him to all sides. Kirk doesn’t always consider how his actions will impact those around him, he lies to save himself and his crew numerous times but this ends up leaving a lot of people out of the loop when they really should have known what was happening or what the plan was. He’s a good leader and cares about others a lot, he is aware of the emotions others feel and he uses that to his advantage when he needs to. Which is something McCoy clearly struggles to do. Kirk didn’t expect McCoy to stay or to want to stay on the asteroid. I think he thought that McCoy and Natira were both physically attracted to each other and he probably didn’t think anything much would develop. He wanted McCoy to keep her distracted. But McCoy wasn’t able to do that because of the way he experiences the world around him and emotions. Kirk definitely feels sympathy and some empathy but, for the seventh time, not to the extent that McCoy does. McCoy would be an awful captain because he rarely considers logic in non medical situations. Even then, I don’t think he would actively consider the risks of providing medical aid to someone (who he is confident operating on), he just would. He is impulsive and can be a voice of reason when he isn’t the one who is in charge of the enterprise. He is a good doctor and is presumably good at leading the medical team. Kirk is sort of if you combined McCoy and Spock, which is why he is a good leader as only focusing on logic or emotion will lead to failure or at least a breakdown. Kirk very clearly wants McCoy to come back to the Enterprise, but he does let him stay. Kirk and McCoy both have a mutual respect for each other which is part of why he lets him stay. But Kirk (mostly) shows respect to those around him. Which is probably why people like him. McCoy is 100% willing to disobey Kirk if he is asking him to do something that goes against his moral compass. Also this is a small thing that doesn’t fully relate to anything but McCoy didn’t tell anyone that Miranda was blind because it was her choice on if or not she told the others. And I just think that’s neat and didn’t fully expect that from the show. Anyway McCoy is one of the few characters that will openly go against Kirk when he is of sound mind. He is definitely loyal to Kirk but it doesn’t make him blind to Kirk’s flaws and he’s usually one of the people who will point out when he is doing something wrong or out of character. Spock does it as well but I don’t think he’s as willing to go against Kirk. Like he will, but he won’t like it and he’s a lot less aggressive when compared to McCoy, who will tell Kirk that he’s being an idiot and that yes we need to go investigate the mental hospital you idiot.

I feel like the romance aspect of this episode was done pretty well, and I think I do have an explanation for the insta love thing. So McCoy is someone who is isolated, not the way that Spock is but he still is isolated. In TOS it is never confirmed that McCoy had a wife or kids. It’s also not outright denied but McCoy’s family isn’t mentioned to my knowledge. He is friends with Jim, Spock, and Chapel but he states in the episode that he is unhappy and the implication is also that he is lonely. I think that he was desperate for any sort of connection after getting his diagnosis, he clearly found a lot of joy and purpose in helping others but (from what I know) working in the medical field is stressful and death is an inevitable part of the job. McCoy isn’t unfamiliar with death, he’s the main person who confirms that people are dead in the show, but he was actively putting off confronting his own mortality and loneliness. I also think that it is possible that he just couldn’t connect with anyone else on the ship the way that he could connect with Natira. He obviously has friends, but it isn’t that difficult to take a queer or neurodivergent reading from the episode (if your a bit off like I am). Kirk and Spock are both fighting back when they meet Natira, but McCoy choses to surrender and that makes her take an interest in him. He cannot fight very well (it’s explicitly stated and shown in one episode) which makes him an easy target but it also shows a clear difference. Him initially surrendering could have been a sign that he was more friendly than Kirk or Spock, the latter of which insulted Natira when she welcomed them although the insult was not unwarranted or even that harsh. It wasn’t even really an insult actually. He was just sort of rude. Regardless, McCoy is different. He is physically weaker than the other two and he was the first to try and make peace. He also was the first to point out that they didn’t know that they were on a spaceship. Natira notices that McCoy was struggling and she wanted to stay with him. I do think they were both intended to be physically attracted to each other, but they don’t express it in the same way that Kirk or Spock would with their own love interests. McCoy asks about the Oracle and wants to know more. Even if he was just trying to get more information about what they are dealing with but it’s more fun to think that he did take genuine interest in her and her culture. McCoy also does say that he values truth and I don’t think he would lie in this situation. Like he wouldn’t have a lot to lose but I don’t think he would lie. McCoy saying that he valued truth makes me think that he was being genuine about his feeling for her. Natira seemed to also be lonely. McCoy said that he was lonely and Natira talked about how her heart was empty until she saw McCoy, saying that it sustained her but that it was empty. Her job likely isolated her in a way similar to McCoy. Her job is important and everyone knows who she is but she has so few connections to others. She could choose a partner but she doesn’t even consider it until McCoy shows up. This could be viewed as a metaphor about relationships, specifically queer ones. Neither character felt attraction to others before they met each other and that could speak to a gay awakening or dating and having crushes when you are asexual. It could represent finding a person who understands you and how your brain works when you’ve previously been surrounded by people who simply cannot understand how you. It’s definitely a stretch, but I do think it is a potential reading. I don’t think it was intended at all to be anything remotely like that, but the author is dead and I killed them.

Overall I really enjoyed the episode. Again, McCoy is my favorite character from Star Trek and I like that he got his own episode, even if he needed to be diagnosed with a terminal illness to get one… Regardless of everything I said I think it is a powerful story about having a terminal illness and being forced to face the fact that you/your loved one is dying. Kirk struggles to let go of McCoy and he very desperately wants to stay with him (he was actively fighting that one star fleet officer so he could stay near the Asturias for just a little longer) and it’s very understandable. I could write a whole other post about how much Kirk struggles to let go of loved ones but I think this one is long enough as it is. Actually fuck it. Kirk spends the entire episode attempting to grieve his friend who is still alive. He’s going to lose a person who is so very clearly important to him. I haven’t watched The Search For Spock yet but from reading the little blurb thing I do know that Kirk is not handling his friends death well. Even in The Wrath of Kahn (which I have watched) Kirk has a really hard time accepting the fact was gonna die. He was clearly shaken when he was giving the eulogy at Spock’s funeral. Which makes sense because he just lost a person who was very very very important to him. When McCoy is telling him about how one of the crewmen has the terminal illness he is not happy but when he is told that it is McCoy he is devastated. He continues to be upset after the fact and he starts to treat McCoy like he is made of glass afterwards. He openly objects to McCoy coming with him and Spock on the mission and is more protective of him than he would have normally been. He very briefly freaks out when McCoy doesn’t wake up when his name is called. It’s sort of a blink and you’ll miss it type thing but it is there. He’s not coddling McCoy or even that controlling over him, Kirk treats McCoy with respect and dignity. He recognizes that McCoy is still a person who has the right to make his own medical decisions. Kirk is upset and he doesn’t want to leave his friend but he cares for and respect him. He isn’t the type of person who would force his friend to do something he didn’t want to do, especially if said friend was dying. He spends the entire episode in shock and just morning his friend while he also needs to do his job. He isn’t ready to let go of McCoy, multiple people tell Kirk that he needs to let go, including McCoy although it was indirectly. If they actually had the balls to keep the terminal illness and have everyone deal with the consequences it would have been really interesting to see how Kirk would continue to grieve. Spock as well because I’ve noticed that he has this tendency to literally hold onto people. He does it to McCoy in this episode and in ‘The Empath’ and he does it to Kirk in ‘The Motion Picture’. You can definitely get some interesting analysis out of that, which I sort of talked about but not that in depth.

McCoy and Spock have a very complicated relationship and it gets explored in a few episodes which I really like. Most of those episodes also have Spock in command which I also like seeing because it does a good job at showing why both Spock and McCoy fail as captains (for extended periods of time at least). Spock often ends up being so logical and distant that he comes off as cold, uncaring, and apathetic. This is most obviously seen in ‘The Galileo Seven’ where everyone gets more and more upset with him as time goes on. But the relationship that Spock and McCoy have when Kirk isn’t around and they are under pressure becomes antagonist in a more genuine way. McCoy verbally rips Spock apart in the episode where the one ship disappears for a bit and everyone looses their minds. He was under an extreme amount of stress but it’s one of the few times where we actually see McCoy loose his shit with Spock. Despite the fact that they have opposing personalities and philosophies they are still friends, the fact that they both care about each other is very clear to the viewer. If or not the characters both understand this is a bit more unclear. They mutually are fiends and they both know that they care about the other, but I don’t know if McCoy thinks Spock cares about him. If he is so lonely, it would make sense to assume that he feels disconnected from the world around him and also makes sense to me to assume that he assumes (or knows) that the people around him do not feel as strongly as he does. He has three friends that we know of; Kirk, Spock, and Chapel. He’s also on a giant spaceship floating around in empty space. Being lonely and isolated makes sense but it makes more sense when you consider that one of his closest friends is emotionally unavailable, although you do know that he feels emotions. You’ve seen him show emotions, but never for you. You care deeply for him but he can’t feel the same way for you, even if he is your friend and he feel friendship for you he doesn’t feel the same amount of friendship and he doesn’t feel it as strongly. And I mean that it a completely platonic way. It sounded like I was describing an unrequited crush, which I guess you could see it as. I get why people ship Spones. Silly little guys. Anyway Spock’s general disconnection makes McCoy’s worse, even if it wasn’t intended. They don’t mean to hurt or isolate each other but they do. McCoy didn’t want to tell Spock he was dying because no reaction would have been a good one. I also think that he doesn’t want to know that his friend wouldn’t feel anything or care about McCoy’s death. He has a year left and he doesn’t want to spend that year dealing with the aftermath of him telling Spock. Sorry this repeated a lot of stuff I already said but I wanted to talk about McCoy and Spock’s relationship in a more complete way.

McCoy doesn’t want to let others know that he has been diagnosed with a terminal illness and he doesn’t want to tell Spock. It’s an upsetting position to be in and McCoy really can’t do anything about it. Apart from kind of the oracle there isn’t a real villain in the episode. There is a conflict but not a person who is actively being antagonistic. The conflict is generated by two inevitable outcomes, McCoy’s death and the asteroid colliding with the planet. They both are ultimately changed but for most of the episode death was the only real outcome that could happen. Anyway, thank you for coming to my Ted talk.

[roseofithaca]

A Slip Through Worlds (Part 12)

With the truth finally out, Amy ( @idiotwithanipad 's oc) and Co. focus on getting both Silver's back to where they belong.

-

"What do you mean, Fizzy? Hehehe, of course I'm your Silver! Your best friend and fellow dragon rider, hehehe!" The bleeding girl grinned.

Robin also scoffed; "Yeah, what she say! Almost, not dragon bit. Who you think she be? Julian in mask and dress?"

"Ew, no, and fuck you for putting that image in my head." Amy seethed. "I mean she's obviously not our Silver! She must have got swapped with some Silver from another dimension!"

"What?"

The teen pinched the bridge of her nose; "Seriously, mate, I thought you were more into Sci Fi than me. You must have seen that Star Trek film! The one from nearly twenty years ago, with the two Spocks?"

"Oooh, pointy ear guy, long live prosper."

"Yeah, that, that's what she is!" Amy jabbed a finger towards the confused Silver.

Robin frowned; "Vulcan?"

"No! An alternate version! From a world like ours but where things happened different! A world where...our Silver turned blind and crazy when she died, apparently."

"Hey! Hehehe, I'm blind but not deaf, hehehe. 'Crazy' is an offensive term, I am mentally impaired and stuck in a permanant high, haha!"

"Sorry." Amy groaned with a roll of her eyes.

Robin looked at the girl he still had his arm around, peering at her up and down before he shook his head.

"No, no, that not be it. Me know Moonah Girl, would know if she not-."

"Have you smelled her since she woke up?" Amy challenged, "Dude, I'm half the bloodhound you are, and I could smell she weren't our Silv the first moment she glomped me."

"I..." He doesn't look too sure; "Well. No. Maybe not. Been told it rude."

Amy bit her lip and had to restrain herself from throttling the furry idiot.

"This ONE time you have permission!" She told him, tersely.

Robin continued to look uncertain. He moved his head near the base of Weird Silver's neck and sniffed. The blind girl didn't seem offended, merely giggled again as if she were being tickled. Another confirmation for Amy. Their Silver would have swatted the caveman on his nose with the whole of her palm..

When he raised his head back up, he looked as though his world had just collapsed.

"Believe me now?" Amy stressed.

Robin let go of the imposter and stepped back toward her old bed before flopping down to sit on the edge of the mattress.

"But...if she not..." He breathed, wind knocked out of his ancient chest, then looked up at Amy; "Where our Moonah Girl?!"

-

Crackle. Snap. No pop.

Not rice krispies, she thinks upon 'waking' (though she doubts that's what it truly is) in this new place. There are no fae lights floating around her, no Regency style orchestra playing nostalgic melodies. No sky above, just rock. Orange light illuminates the primitive drawings that decorate nearly every inch of the walls. Stick figures wielding spears, defeating mammoths and bears, dancing with smaller stick figures beneath a large circle hanging above.

All the images are freshly drawn, either carved or painted with blood or some crude 'ink'.

She sits up, taking a breath, relieved to hear no laughter or gossip of artificial party guests around her. Only the crackle of a large fire pit beside her, that's as warm and comfy as the furs wrapped around her. Silver runs her fingers along them, not missing the dresses she'd been gifted at all. Was this fox? Or wolf? Maybe both. Maybe something long extinct.

The only other sound is the rain outside. The mouth of the cave is far down on a slope. No risk of her getting damp. This was a home well chosen by whoever set up camp here.

Near the opening, barely visible against the dark of the forest outside, is the silhouette of a ragged man, sat on guard.

"Robin?" She calls, hopefully.

He turns his head. The light of the fire reveals his wounds and tree-like scars from the lightning strike.

Silver deflates a little. Of course.

"You're not him." She sits back, hugging the pelts around her.

He grunts.

Sorry to disappoint.

Silver looks up, blinking; "...Did you just speak?"

Another grunt.

No. No speak. Me think. You hear. Like Big Eyed Girl do.

Right. Silver nodded, understanding; "So...this is another of the witch's tricks?"

Not Robin shook his mane.

Not quite. She not bring you here. Me did. Not sure how.

He shrugged again.

Fell asleep. Saw Strange Girl trapped in loud party. Brought here. More quiet. Where I come when nap to get away from Noisy Cub.

Silver looked back at the walls, to the drawings. She ran her finger over one depicting a taller stick figure holding the hands of two smaller ones at his sides.

"This is your dream?"

With a nod, he grunted.

Yes. No mess anything up.

She smiled. There wasn't much in the way of 'furniture'. Bedrolls, ceremonial altars with skulls and other offerings, toys made from sticks and long grass, other stone tools. Still miles preferable to any fantasy luxury the witch could summon for her.

"Why did you bring me here?" She asked.

Another grunt as he looked away.

Strange Girl not stop crying. Thought quiet help. Did. Strange Girl no cry now. Me no have headache.

She smiled; "Thank you. That was sweet."

When he turned his head to growl at her, she flinched, shuffling closer to the fire.

Me not sweet! Me dangerous! Strange Girl no forget!

He snarled at her, curling his lips back.

Silver felt the smile creep back; "My bad. I was clearly right about you from the start. You have no heart. No feelings."

Another grunt as he nodded, content for that to be the agreement.

She tucked her knees in close before stretching her hand to soak in some of the fire's warmth. It would be a comfort, if not for the smell, that reminded her of what she might never see again. She sniffed.

Not Robin grunted.

Strange Girl start cry again?!

"No. I'm tired of crying." She sighed; "I'm just sad, okay. I dunno if I'll ever see my home again. My friends. My mum....my real mum..."

A rumble sounded from the caveman's throat.

After a long pause, he spoke again, to her mind.

Mistress ask if me want to see babies when visit here. She say she make seem real. Many time tempted. But say no. Not real. Not want.

Her heart panged for him. As she looked over, she saw he carried that same pain of loss that her own Robin did in his eyes.

Silver got up, tugging the pelts around her like a giant shawl and sitting closer to him.

"Did these belong to your kids?" She asked.

A grizzle. At first she was afraid that the question upset him too much to answer. Then he turned and poked the grey fur.

That Pin favorite. Always like wolf.

He then moved his finger to the spotted print.

Sol, he like leopard. Hard to find, harder to kill. Worth it to see smile. And fox...Kya love fox.

"Kya. Your second daughter." She spoke.

He met her eyes.

How Strange Girl know?

Silver smiled; "I told you. We're friends in that other world. You don't....find it easy to talk about your kids and I try not to push but...Kya was pretty special, right?"

All babies special. Kya just...most like me. Little idiot.

A twitch appeared in the corner of that crooked mouth, and for a second he looked like her Robin.

She wanted to hug him but....given all those wounds close to his neck, she doubted that would be comfy for him.

"Thank you, Rogh. For sharing their furs with me." She said, leaning in to kiss his cheek.

He flinched at first, looking ready to push her away or growl in defense, but then surprised when she pulled back so quick.

Looking adorably confused, he reached up to stroke his own cheek.

Strange Girl welcome. Sorry....Mistress make cry. She no mean to.

Silver cringed as she turned away, looking towards the trees.

"Excuse me if I don't forgive her for trapping me."

She only do what she think right. She not monster. She Mum.

"Not my mum. And she never will be." Silver gulps, "I don't care if she keeps me here for a thousand years. I'll never stop trying to get home."

The caveman dips his head before rubbing at his own chest. Is that remorse that she spots on his face?

"Do you think they'd be happy with you? If they saw you now? Scratch that, I can confirm they are watching, if the after-afterlife here is anything like my world." Silver presses.

She reaches for his paw and presses it against the fox pelt.

"D'you think they'd be proud of their dad? Helping keep a girl away from her real family?"

The haggard face winces and Not Robin pulls his hand away. With a growl, he gets up and moves on his knuckles further from her.

Go back to fire, Strange Girl. Rest. Enjoy quiet before Sister arrives.

-

"Okay...me think I get it now." Robin sighed once Stompy had finished her explanation.

Moonah Girl raised her hand.

"I'm still a bit lost, hehehe. How many Spider-Mans are there again?" She asked.

"Too many, but that wasn't the point!" Amy groaned, feeling like a school teacher stuck with the two most dense students to deal with; "To sum up, there are infinite universes and infinite versions of us all. The Silvers obviously got switched at the big freaky wall."

"Ooh, you mean the window? Hahaha, where I had a dance with that funny girl and then she disappeared."

Both Amy and Robin stared at her.

"Funny girl? What funny girl?" The hoodie wearing teen asked.

"The one who knocked on the window, hehehe. I pushed and found her hands, we twirled around, then she was gone! Poof! Haha. And then I woke up and Robin found me!"

He tried not to flinch as the girl reached for his hand. Her touch made him feel ill now, where moments ago he'd welcomed it, relieved to be someone that Moonah Girl trusted again. Back when she was Moonah Girl.

Amy frowned as she seemed to put all the pieces together quicker than he could. It was still a shock for him to realise the girl he'd been devoting every minute of care to for the past three nights hadn't been who he thought.

"Right....so that must have been how it happened. Two Silvers touched each other and that, for some reason, let them go through the wall? Weird. But at least we know how to fix all this."

"We do?" Robin asked.

"Keep up, dummy! We just need to get this Silver back to the wall, hope our Silver can be there at the same time and swap them back." She said, making it sound so easy.

The bleeding girl holding onto him gasped.

"Wait! You're saying, hehehe, that I can go home? I can see Mummy and my Amy? They're not gone forever?!" She bounced in her seat on the duvet.

Amy nodded; "That's what I'm hoping, yeah."

"Oh that is wonderful!" She squealed and then threw her arms around Robin's neck; "Did you hear that, fluffy friend?! I can have Mummy back!"

"Uh, yeah...Sorry me told you she gone. That just Mu...This world Silver's mum." He said, looking to Amy for a nod of clarification that he got that right.

Not Silver just giggled more; "Oh that's okay! It's always good news to hear your mum isn't gone forever, hehehe. Oh but....Wait. The Silver who lived here has no Mummy? Or Fizzy Girl? That's so sad! Hahaha."

"Yeah, you really sound broken up about it." Amy frowned, impatient.

"Sorry, hehehe, I can't help it! Hahaha, I laugh even when I'm sad or bored or even screaming, hahaha."

"Oh." Amy looked horrified at that thought; "Okay, that...does sound awful."

"It sucks balls, hahaha!" The girl wiped a tear from her eyes as she cackled, ceaselessly; "Oh, poor other Silver. She must be so lonely."

"Well don't feel that sorry for her." Amy frowned, a little defensive; "She still has me, I ain't chopped liver! I visit her dreams when I can and bring messages from her mum. And she'll see her again, someday."

"Oh, that's nice." The teen calmed. "And I guess she has all the nice ghosts here like your daddy, Mr Patrick, Kitty and Sweet Robin, of course! Hehehe. She's so lucky to have you as a friend." Silver hugged his furry sleeve.

Robin gulped, avoiding Amy's knowing gaze. Yeah. So lucky.

"You still have mum in your world? She no go up to stars?" He said, looking at her, then to Stompy; "That good then! Moonah Girl safe with other Mary. She take care of her." That was some relief, surely.

Amy frowned; "She didn't look safe to me. If that dream we both had was Silver then she looked like she was in deep shit!"

"But that's silly, hehehe." Other Silver kicked her boots; "Mummy is the nicest, most magical and beautiful woman ever! She'd never hurt anyone...who was innocent..."

The twitch in the teen's neck as she finished that sentence made them both go cold.

"Innocent? What d'you mean?" Asked Amy.

"Oh nothing, hahaha. Just that Mummy can sometimes be a teensy winsy bit overprotective when it comes to me, haha."

"Overprotective how?"

"The usual stuff! Giving me a strict curfew, not wanting me to leave the forest alone...." Silver listed off her fingers, casually; "Burns anyone to a crisp who looks at me funny, all that stuff!"

Robin's eyes widened, as did Amy's. He suddenly remembered some of the other things about 'Mummy' that the girl had mentioned over the past few days that sounded like a very extreme version of their Mary.

"You sure she wouldn't harm our Silver then? Even if maybe she thought she might be to blame for you being gone?" Amy pressed further, clenching her jaw.

"Well....Hehehe...She might be a little bit tense..." Even the girl didn't seem as though she could fully convince herself the other Silver might not be in danger.

Amy and Robin exchanged looks again. His chest tightened as he recalled the image that had flashed in his mind from that awful nightmare.

Moonah Girl's eyes so big. So scared.

"Right. We have to fix this." Amy stated, resolute; "I should be able to take that Silver with me while she's asleep and follow the trace back to the wall."

"Then what? Just wait? How long for?" Robin asked.

"Ooh, I'll call for Mummy! She'll come find me and bring the other me, I'm sure of it." The Pagan bounced again.

"The mad hippie might be right." Said Amy, surprised; "Our Silver called my name in that dream. She sent it out all the way to me and I was able to follow it back. This one might be able to do the same but to her Mary."

Robin got to his feet; "Then me come too!"

She nodded; "Good. Was gonna drag you along anyway. In case I need backup."

Fear thrummed through his body along with a surge of territorial protectiveness. He hadn't felt anything like that since the time men from a rival tribe attempted to steal some of their babies. Not even his, he hadn't had any at then, only eleven himself. But even then, he had the instinct to do whatever it took to keep Tribe safe.

"Yay! I'm going home! I'm gonna see Mummy and Fizzy and Floof and all my dragons again! Haha!" The other Silver began to skip and dance around.

Amy lunged to grab the girl's wrist; "Hey! Harley Quinn! This isn't a game, okay?! All of this is mostly your fault, so you need to do your part and make sure this goes to plan!"

The blind girl's bottom lip stuck out, like a child being told off.

Robin tried to part the two.

"Go easy, Stompy, she not know what she do." He said, unable to stop feeling a sense of care for this Moonah Girl too, after all the time he'd spent with her.

"I don't give a flying fuck. You didn't see or hear her as clearly as I did!" Amy said, referring back to the dream; "My friend is trapped and she called out to me to save her! Nothing else matters except getting our Silver home! Got it?!"

He nodded. Of course, he agreed, guilt burning in his throat like poison again.

Amy stepped back; "Wait here. Don't wake up, not if you wanna come with us."

"Where you go?"

"To see Mary." She said, heading towards the door; "If we mess this up, then she at least needs to know where her daughter really is. Once I'm back, we'll head for the wall."

-

The words sound too fantastical for Mary at first, once young Amy has finished explaining it all to her. References to various movies and books flew over her head and so Amy used mirrors as an analogy instead.

They sat in the kitchen of her and Annie's cottage, two untouched cups of tea and three empty bright blue cans of Monster on the wooden table.

"So....Mirror Me has my little'en...and our Robin has the mirror Silver?" The larger woman frowned.

Amy cracked open her fourth can.

"That's the gist of it. Except the mirror seems to be all...broken and smudged like someone took a cricket bat to it." She swigged down a load of the fruity liquid; "It's why the mirror version of you that you saw in the dream weren't your best side, Mary."

Mary's hand flung up to her mouth as she recalled the expression on her darling girl's face. Those bony hands wrapped tight around her wrist.

Annie rubbed her back.

"Don't ye think yous had enough there, child?" She said to Amy as she swallowed her drink.

"Trust me. I'm gonna need another three or four to get me to that wall. Especially if that flaming bitch shows her face. No offence." The girl's eyes met Mary's.

"None be taken, little'en." She said, quietly; "If I could get my hands on that shadow o' mine, she be....Oh, is there no way wes can come join you and Robin?!"

Amy shook her head and got to her feet.

"Not unless you both learn how to astral project really fucking fast."

The married women exchanged dubious looks. Both seemed regretful they hadn't attempted to practice the skill during their time here. It was hardly something to be acquired overnight.

And they had to act now. Enough time had been wasted. But Mary understood why Amy had taken the opportunity to tell her the truth. Silver would have wanted her to know, rather than for the other one to arrive and believe wrongly that it was her daughter.

Fighting back tears, Mary wasn't sure what was worse. Her daughter having a self-destructive mental breakdown or still being sane but trapped with some demon version of herself?

Either way, her baby was lost. And there was sod all she could do to help bring her home.

"Don't worry." Amy squeezed Mary's hand on the table. "I'll get her back. Or fucking obliterate myself trying."

[goofyjelly]

I'm watching Star Trek TOS Bread and Circuses

I AM ON THE EDGE OF MY SEAT OH MY FUCKING GOD WHAAAAAT

also the fucking banter while Spock and Bones are fighting was hilarious to me in an otherwise very serious situation-

But oh my gosh I'm so fucking invested omg

Also I love the outfits (i.e. I like it when they dress up lmao it's funny)

Spock looks like a cat in a cage 🥺

Bones is like Welp we're gonna die , so sorry for all the mean banter, we're friends

PFFFFFF BONES

"Each day you stay alive is just one more day you might slip and let your human half peak out" BONES YOU DONT NEED TO CALL HIM OUT LIKE THAT

I think calling out Spock-

OKAY HOLD UP, BONES SAYS THAT SPOCK DOESNT KNOW EMOTIONS AND THEN IMMEDIATELY PICKS UP ON THE FACT THAT SPOCK IS WORRIED ABOUT JIM IN THE SAME BREATH LIKE 🤨

Okay but I think Bones calling out Spock is just Bones being angry instead of being scared cus like yea they're Gonna Die™

"LAST HOURS AS A MAN" YOU- UH- DUDE WHAT- women™

Also oh my gosh SCOTTY IS THE BEST!!!

Like he's so smart, love it honestly.

OH FUCK THEY ACTUALLY USED THE MACHINE GUNS OH WOW

Pffff oh my god dude you did NOT try to redeem yourself after all that 😭😭😭 like , very glad the Boys are safe but yea

Also YES SCOTTY!!!! SCOTTY RECOGNITION ✨✨✨

Yes Uhura~ OH MY GOD WAIT JESUS CHRIST??????????????????????????

W H A T

EXCUUUUUUUSE ME???

ARE YOU JUST-

ARE YOU KIDDING? ARE YOU SAYING THAT LOTS OF PLANETS HAVE THEIR OWN JESUS?????????????

I'm screaming, actually.

They just love dropping insane shit at the end of every episode.

That was a clever play on words though, I'll give them that. They thought the Sun was the sun in the sky when it was the Son.

Ten outta ten episode honestly. I'll be rewatching , like, by tomorrow

[bcnes-archived]

"No, and I don't doubt it'll be the last, either." He sounds only a little grudging, but this is how it's been since forever, and to be entirely fair, McCoy had been the one to start it. Asking Jim to trust his life - or at the very least his leg - to McCoy's foolhardy notion that he, in all his bright-eyed, still-optimistic bravado at the time, could somehow do better than any other doctor and save the man's limb. Jim had done so, had sat through surgery after surgery and weeks, months of physical therapy so intense that McCoy figured the man would spend the rest of his life cursing his name. But he'd been so damn certain, in a way that wasn't warranted, that he was the best doctor for the job - that even if the Farragut shipped out without his patient, the galaxy would need James Kirk at its very best and how could he trust that to the hands of anyone else? He was unlikely to cross paths with the man again. Being hated from across the stars was a pretty small price to pay, anyhow.

And the experimental procedure had worked, and he'd taken Jim out to the family cabin to celebrate, and that had really been the beginning of the end as far as the normal course of his life was concerned because every waking moment after that was a series of increasingly bold requests, culminating in a fucking starship posting: partly to get the hell away from Joce, partly out of genuine scientific curiosity - the need to help and to heal, and mostly because Jim Kirk had asked him to.

In comparison to that, asking him to hit on a Vulcan is slightly easier.

"But I'm gonna quote you on this months or years or decades down the line when it all goes to hell in a handbasket, so don't say I didn't warn you." He wishes he could think they'll fare just fine, but he's never been able to project anything close to Jim's illusion of unerring confidence, much less feel it. And, anyway, it's easy for Jim to say that when Spock looks at him like he hung the damn stars in the sky. Loving Jim is the easiest thing in the world for both of them, and if Spock deserves anything, it's love that feels just like that - as easy and natural as breathing. It's hard enough for him already. But McCoy is hard to love. He knows it, but he hates feeling as though it's true, hates the reminder that loving him is more akin to suffering than anything joyful. Deep down he's more certain than anything that he won't actually be able to do this, that he'll be a disappointment for both of them, that it'll kill him to know he's making Spock struggle and he'll be why it all falls apart, if it ever pieces itself together at all in the first place. If he knew how to stop being anything but what he is, he would've stopped ages ago, years ago, when it'd all gone to shit the last time around. But he's never learned how to reconstruct himself so thoroughly like that.

Maybe he's got time, he thinks, drumming an anxious thumb against Jim's arm, for him to figure it out before it's too late - Lord knows Spock will drag his feet. And Jim seems so damn happy with all this that McCoy can't even bring himself to start giving serious thought to the visions of his own failure lurking right there in the backdrop. Happy even in his misery - all McCoy could ever ask for is to shield Jim from the mountain of missed opportunities and sacrifices and feelings of inadequacy that's built up behind him over the years, and maybe he can't do that, but if he can somehow twist himself into being enough to shield him moving forward... well, he owes Jim a whole lot more than that, but it's at least a start.

He knows he'll never be able to make himself the sort of person Spock could love, but Jim? Maybe. He can live with that, though it might kill him every day to only have been enough for the one of them, even if it winds up being temporary on his way to something or someone better equipped for this. He supposes at the end of it all he'll be grateful for whatever capacity they allow him to remain. At least he might still be a half-decent friend.

"I'd say that's part of the human experience, but I think it goes well beyond us humans," he reflects. A smile is leagues better than another undue apology, tenuous as it is, and when Jim glances at him McCoy pulls him away by the shoulders before cupping his face to wipe at his wet eyes. They're a lighter shade when they're like this, highlighted by his tears, though with no less depth than they typically have. "Christ, Jim, if I kept track of everyone I owe an apology..." he trails off, shaking his head. Every coworker or intern he's ever snapped at when he was in a sour mood or during a high-stress procedure. The family, friends of every patient that's died under his care - too many to count, after so many years. The numbers are an impossible weight, too large to be measured. And every person he's tried to love and loved poorly. He probably owes Jim the biggest apology of all, for that. Preemptively. Or every day for the rest of their lives, if he's lucky enough to not ruin it first. "You let that weigh you down and you'll drown with it. Sometimes all you can really do is take the things you wish you could say and..." a shrug. He looks out towards the view of the stars. "...Let them go. Everyone has to move forward eventually, to one place or another. It's a godawful way to live, punishing yourself for the rest of forever. I think you're the last person who deserves that."

The rise and fall of Bones' chest is what he focuses on , how that steady breathing is a constant — much like the man's presence in his life. Maybe “ love at first sight ” isn't the right way to put it , but it was something similar. The moment Jim laid eyes on him , something deep inside of him knew that they were fated to be together , in some way. It was a gut feeling , really. A voice in the back of his head saying that this man needs you as much as you need him. Which , is a lot to ask of a stranger. Looking back , he's glad he took that chance , reached out when he did — asked Starfleet to make them roommates when he had the chance. That feeling persisted through when Bones and Spock had met for the first time. When all three of them were in the same room , the same vicinity , it was like something had shifted deep inside of him. He wasn't sure what it was at the time , but now he's positive. The Universe , no matter how much it has wronged him , granted him one good thing. The two men he wants to spend the rest of his life with.

It's that gut feeling that sets his love for them apart from everyone else. He did love every single person he's had a connection with , but he knew it was never to last. That he would have to leave , and that forming a connection would do him more harm than good. But he did anyways. He loved , even though he knew it would destroy him. Because he had no other choice — not when his command granted him so little time to be anything other than Captain Kirk. No matter how close he got with someone , however , no matter how many times someone's lips graced his own — he never felt like he did when he was with Bones or Spock. At first , when he finally realized this , he shoved it down. He'd known them for years , this was how friends feel with each other , that's all. But then his breath would catch in his throat whenever McCoy would smile , and when Spock would gently put his hand on Jim's back , his heart would skip a beat. It was then when he delved deeper into his duties than before. He didn't deserve that , didn't deserve them. He had already given himself to the Enterprise. She had all of him , she's who he had to live for. Her and her crew needed him at his best. And he was willing to sacrifice the truest , purest love he felt in order to keep them all happy. Keep them all alive. He almost didn't even tell Bones — the thought that merely minutes ago he was thinking of turning around and walking out of this room , never to look him in the eye again. To him , though , that would have been the same as death. No , it would've been worse.

Death is a universal constant , one that weighs upon each and every officer that has ever served in the ranks of Starfleet. Every single person on the Enterprise knows this , and serves every day like it could be their last. Maybe it is because of him that they continue to serve -- that they entrust their lives to this ship under his command. They know , and he knows , that he would die for them just as quickly as they would die for him. No matter how fleeting an interaction is , even if he's known someone for only a moment , his unyielding compassion and care for life makes him willing to die for them. To put everything he's built on the line , just because he deeply feels a bond with someone he may never meet again. And even when he has sacrificed himself time and time again , he's convinced himself that nothing will ever be enough. Nothing he can do now will undo the lives he couldn't save. Even though there was nothing he could have done to save them — Tarsus , the USS Farragut . . every time he puts his life on the line for someone , he remembers those he was too late to save. It pains him the most in moments like these , where he truly gets to be happy. Because he knows just how many people he watched die young. He knows how many people that should be alive right now , feeling the way he does. Happy. And he blames himself for things he could not and still cannot control.

A soft chuckle leaves his lips , tense shoulders rising and falling as he shakes his head. He never said it would be easy , he wants to say. With Spock , he knew it wasn't going to be easy. But now that he's halfway there , he can't just stop at one , can he ? ❛ This isn't the first time I've asked you to do something . . less than wise , Bones. You know that. ❜ That was certainly a way to put it , but he didn't know how else to put it. ❛ I think we'll fare just fine. ❜ Wishful thinking on his part , he knows. But if he dwells on it too long he's afraid he'll back out.

No matter how much he tries to convince himself of it , that he deserves this — both of them — and that allowing himself this one thing isn't the end of the world , there's always doubt. When you're a Starfleet officer , doubt is the last thing you want to indulge in. Doubt leads to anxiety , which leads to hesitation , which leads to 200 men being slaughtered right before your eyes. Though this isn't nearly as serious , and the arms around him and hand in his hair ground him — there will always be that inkling of doubt , that thought that he will never be anything but a commanding officer. That he can't have anything without having to put the ship first. The tears that stream down his face are ones he's held in for far too long — he cries in private , of course , but there was a deep catharsis that came from finally being able to express a feeling like this in front of someone. To put his pride and commanding presence aside to find solace and comfort in the arms of another person. He sniffles softly , breathing growing quiet as it finally steadies. Every apology that leaves his lips has some deeper meaning to it. It may seem like nothing to everyone else , but every “ I'm sorry “ , no matter who it's for , is also aimed towards the ones he never got to apologize to. He silently apologizes to the families that were broken in front of his eyes , to the sons that never got to return home , to the young ensigns that never got to live the lives that they deserved.

The cuff to his head brings him back to reality , the ghost of a smile curling onto his lips. He glances into Bones' eyes , his own still red and swollen with tears. His first instinct is to utter “I'm sorry” , but that would be counterintuitive. Instead , a shaking hand raises to wipe away some of the tears on his face , trying desperately to save face. Not that he needs his reputation when the doctor is involved — they've known each other for far too long for that to have any merit anymore. He just feels bad , he supposes , for leaning on him in such a way. The apology remains unspoken , but it hangs in the air nonetheless. ❛ Maybe not to you , ❜ He finally says , softly. �� But you know just as well as I do that there are people that deserve to hear that from me. ❜

[ichayalovesyou]

Admiral Pike & The Monks of Boreth: Is Spock Really The Only Hope?

This is effectively co-written by my good friend @seismologically-silly

Is Spock Really A Continuation of The Great Men of History trope?

“The best hope for any lasting peace between Romulans and The Federation? Whelp, turns out he’s lying in a bio bed.” -Admiral Pike, A Quality of Mercy

This line implies that the only person who can reunite Romulans and Vulcans and create peace between them and the federation is Spock. Which implies that A Quality of Mercy ascribes to the “great men of history” trope/theory which is, outdated, by our standards of historical analysis today.

Maybe that’s what the writers intended, after all, Spock is notoriously Star Trek’s ✨special boy✨. But, I wanna explain the other major theories of historical analysis that could be applied to Spock’s life before I get into why Pike and even (if not especially) the Klingon monks of Boreth would see it in the “Great Man” way and not from any sort of alternative perspective.

Spock isn’t special, he’s easy to track historically, he’s a product of his cultural environment and of “History From Below”.

If you wanted to get dramatic, Spock could never have happened if Humans and Vulcans hadn’t looked up to the sky and wondered what else was out there. You can blame Zephram Cochrane and Solkar for Humans and Vulcans meeting on good terms.

You can blame Tucker and T’Pol for falling in love and heartbreakingly failing to have a child due to the limitations of their time’s technology. You can blame Amanda and Sarek for daring to try again, and this time succeeding. You can blame their parenting failures and successes, and the virtues and flaws of the cultures from which they came, for making Spock who he is.

You can blame everyone who has ever loved Spock who ensured his continued survival. He is not independently not inherently special, he is unique in the universe and the chain of events in his timeline are what made him possible. He is possible because two alien worlds were curious, and found that they could love each other.

It may well be there will be more Spocks in the future that will do as he would have done had he survived in the Balance of Timeline. The point being Spock is most likely the shortest distance between two points when it comes to Romulan peace. Even time travelers will have limits on their perspective. Which brings me to the second point.

Why Pike and the Boreth Monks think Spock is the only one who can do it because he’s Their Very Special Boy.

The simple answer is this: Pike loves Spock and wants him to be alive again, and Klingons believe in the “One Great Man” theory, one look at how they regard Kahless is proof of that.

Of all the political entities uninvolved with the Federation, the Klingons have the most to lose and the most to gain. We know that the two Empires turn on each other at some point between TOS and TNG. If Qo’nos and/or Boreth get destroyed by the Romulan war before another individual like Spock arises, they would have every reason to think Spock is the only one. Especially if Time Crystals cannot cause an individual to experience temporal displacement past the event of its own destruction.

Another very real possibility is that Romulus could destroy/conquer Vulcan (or already has!) in the Balance of Timeline. By wiping Vulcans as a culture out and assimilating the rest into Romulan culture, it would be much, much harder for an individual like Spock to emerge. Spock was the bridge between humanity and vulcankind. Spock’s Vulcan cultural upbringing and paired with Vulcan’s shared cultural roots with Romulus and his human compassion are what made peace possible. He is Human and Vulcan, and Vulcans and Romulans are each other. Both Spock’s logic and compassion are what allows them to recognize that.

An entirely different chain of events would have to occur to produce a person uniquely suited like that again. It took over 200 years of Human-Vulcan alliance to produce Spock, it may take even longer under the grip of a totalitarian Empire like the Romulan one for others like him to emerge again. A Vulcan/Romulan who did not remove all Vulcan tradition. A Human/Vulcan who was able to overcome their war born hatred of the opposition. An unusual Romulan with a dream. It may take longer than Pike will live, longer than Qo’nos, Vulcan, even Earth has left in the galaxy, longer than it would be considered worth waiting. Even if Spock’s not special, he is the quickest and easiest solution.

Which would effectively still made Admiral Pike’s statement true regardless of the historical theory you favor most. Spock is the culmination of a briefly opened window in the course of galactic history. You remove any part of that chain of events: Cochrane, Solkar, Tucker, T’Pol, Amanda, Sarek, Burnham, Pike, or Kirk, you do not get the Ambassador you need for the job. It doesn’t matter if he is or is not a “Great Man of History” the end product is the same. A much, much longer war than what would otherwise be had. Which is something Pike would (and does) find totally unacceptable.

Spock may not be a “Great Man of History” but he sure as hell is an unprecedented biproduct of it.

[rynnaaurelius]

2 for the end of year asks!! :]

(Ask post HERE)

Hiiiii <3

2. favourite fic of the year 

I read too much fic. Hmm. Shit. We're turning this into Ryn's AO3 Wrapped: The Non-Embarrassing Version (Not An Exhaustive List At All). These were generally judged by how many times AO3 says I chose to re-visit them at 1AM and sob.

For screenreaders: Titles are hyperlinked, I'm @'ing the authors if I know they're on tumblr)

If they choose to see this: Hi. I think you're awesome. I'm just tagging you so people can find you #OnHere. I hope your Friday is rad. :)

Give him time by @obiwanobi personally came and murdered me when I went on another Star Wars kick back when Kenobi came out in June. Loosely canon-compliant, Obikin, and for big fans of characters who decide to re-work reality to bring the person they love back. Also, tragedy.

Accidental Baby Acquisition, which is basically What We Do In The Shadows + Baby. Carries the show tone off really well, is funny as hell, and features one of my favorite OCs ever in later installments in the form of Guillermo's sister Valentina.

The Uses of Adversity because I fell down The Sandman rabbithole like everyone else and "Crime Master!Hob", and this somehow became a comfort fic? He rescues Dream while imprisoned by Rodrick's son and it all spirals from there. Great characterization, great OCs, and there's a sequel happening!

Viable Alternatives, a House of the Dragon AU where Laenor exists to be more than a sad gay and artificial insemination exists! Big fan of how Rhaenyra doesn't get softened here and the Velaryons get more to do.

Time is a River was a real surprise to find, it's a time travel PJO AU that I thought was really fun--it makes Percy/Hermes work for me, which was a shock--and I kinda hope the author finds a sequel in them some day, (No pressure, of course; it was a gift to someone else, but also, it's rad and I want more).

I started reading Preserve or Raze by @foxyatlas before 2022, but the list doesn't feel right if I don't put it on here. It's a PJO AU where Percy winds up at Camp Jupiter, post-the original series, but I feel like it's cheating if I reveal the additional twist. Suffice to say, it is epic, has lots of shenanigans and worldbuilding, and I'd recommend it over Blood of Olympus anyday.

a girl who sees it all is super short, but it's a great Annabeth Chase bit, and I gotta include it.

Space Between is a Star Trek AOS one-shot in which Jim ruminates a lot in first person POV (I know! It's great! It works!) and looks pretty with his shirt off while Spock saves the day--as canon tends to go. Eventual love confessions ensue.

Went on a biiiig X-Men movies kick this year, which is the excuse for The Tower and the Hurricane being on the list. Set in a post-X-Men: First Class world where Magneto proves right and human-mutant war has ensued, and Xavier takes the school to his sanctuary. Lots of pining and tension set against a potential apocalypse, it's good times.

shoulder the sky (and the fic it inspired) is a fucking amazing Star Wars series featuring a lot of Obi-Wan whump, lot of pain, and a lot of the clones doing their best as the Jedi try to keep their shit together. 12/10, would watch everyone suffer again.

and we're gonna sing it again and again is the best Our Flag Means Death fic I have read, go argue with a wall.

kidnapping bruce wayne 'verse by @frownyalfred makes me laugh every time I read it, and is basically what it says on the tin: Bruce gets kidnapped a lot, he inevitably grows on the henchmen who are always contracted to kidnap him. There's a lot of unreliable POV in regards to A, the fact that Bruce is Batman, and B, Bruce is getting railed by Superman on a semi-regular basis, and it is prime comedy.

I regret nothing putting hand in unrebloggable hand (we go down together) on this list. Enjoy.

i won't be shamed by you is basically Buffy the Vampire Slayer is except Spike is really into reality TV and gradually infects the Scoobies with it. Background canon relationships, but the point is that Spike is invested in The Bachelor.

let not time deceive you (you cannot conquer time) is a modern The Old Guard AU where everyone is still immortal but Nicky is a millennial college student, with a lot of pining, lot of grad school and Catholic Church criticism, and a lot of angst. Also, Quynh shows up towards the end and she's a fucking delight.

I am not just recommending as wise as heaven and crueller than hell just because one of the stories was gifted to me by you. It's also fucking amazing PJO and possesses superior Nico and Luke characterization.

[slightlycrunchy]

I posted 3,278 times in 2022

216 posts created (7%)

3,062 posts reblogged (93%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@crystal-mouse

@damatris

@itsrapsodia

@dsjinspring

I tagged 1,941 of my posts in 2022

Only 41% of my posts had no tags

#star trek - 523 posts

#bnha - 129 posts

#spirk - 104 posts

#star trek tos - 92 posts

#witcher - 84 posts

#q - 79 posts

#ofmd - 31 posts

#spock - 29 posts

#loz - 29 posts

#percy de rolo - 27 posts

Longest Tag: 135 characters

#and new yorkers wouldn’t understand the vibes of 6am down at the hyvee but we don’t talk about that cuz it’s dumb. let ppl enjoy things

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

i mean yeah i know that the reason i’m so drawn in by the maelstrom that is K/S is because their canon story of mutual respect and discovery of both the universe and each other and what both of those things mean to them inside the context of their relationship shows me that yes, indeed there is such a thing as soulmates and yes i know that the presence of such in the world tells me that endings don’t really mean much when you love someone so deeply and on every level able to be conceived of because in the face of such devotion what is death or the nothingness of space, what does the cold mean when you harbor such warmth in your heart

but other than that, can’t imagine why it compels me

179 notes - Posted October 20, 2022

#4

cold mornings

Yeah, it's just fluffy dadmight 😁

Toshinori used to like cold mornings, the brisk air of autumn and winter waking him better than any caffeinated beverage could do. He recalls with fondness frosted dawns and long runs in his youth. He enjoyed pushing his body to its limits in more ways than one, Japanese winters bringing thick snows and cold temperatures, yet still Toshinori would persist.

It has been a long time now since he could say the same of his current self. No, now the cold sends him cowering indoors and under piles of blankets. His priorities have become warm mugs of tea to soothe aching joints and thick socks to keep his feet serviceable with poor circulation.

And yet, he finds himself on this bench at 6 a.m. every weekday morning, watching his boy round a patch of grass encircled by a concrete track.

“One more lap, Izuku!” he yells, hands cupped around his mouth. He has to lower the scarf he keeps wrapped up to his nose to be heard, hands encased in thick mittens as frail snowflakes fall from a clear, blue, winter sky. They accumulate like glitter on the grass, the sun shining like miniature prisms until the accumulation of them is nearly blinding Toshinori. The air is bitingly cold, but still he sits and waits, a thermos full of coffee sitting beside him in wait, too. Izuku waves tiredly, letting Toshinori know he has been heard.

Toshinori smiles.

Shivers are creeping up his spine by the time his boy is done. Izuku drags himself back to the bench with only the very last dredges of his energy, until he finally sits bonelessly at Toshinori’s side, steam wafting off of him in waves. Toshinori is proud of him for sticking to his routine even in the bitter chill and he holds out his hands in wait when Izuku is finally able to lift up his head enough to look over at him.

“Come here.”

Izuku, with limp muscles, lifts his hands up to greet Toshinori’s, and in practiced movements, the man removes two sets of gloves and grasps Izuku’s bare hands. Toshinori’s fingers are warm from the thick fabric and Izuku’s are frigid, kept warm by only exercise and the way he clenches them into fists when he runs.

Toshinori cups Izuku’s cold fingertips between his heated palms and rubs back and forth, blowing warm air onto them in turns. By the way Izuku’s shoulders slump by degrees, Toshinori knows he was right in assuming how the cold will have made old injuries ache. He understands, after all. After he is finished he gives the boy his thicker pair of mittens. Izuku does not protest; they’ve done this enough times, after all.

“Coffee?” Toshinori asks, already pouring the boy a cup from the steaming thermos, the smell of roasted beans wafting into his nose even through the scarf.

Izuku hums. Toshinori has to bite down the urge to laugh at just how little Izuku talks when he’s this tired; this is the only time the boy isn’t talking his ear off about one thing or another. Not that he minds, of course. What was it about variety being the spice of life?

Glitter falls from the sky and they both sit back against the bench, morning cold enveloping them in its embrace, and Toshinori wonders at it all.

No, Toshinori does not like the cold, but he loves his boy, and mornings spent like this make up for any discomfort he could possibly be feeling. After all, he made Izuku a promise to watch over him and raise him, and he can deal with a few low temperatures to do so.

“Thanks, All Might,” Izuku says hoarsely. His face is tilted up towards the sun, soaking in every ray of heat he can possibly find. His breathing has evened. Toshinori eyes the circle of sweat that rounds the neck of his sweatshirt, knowing they should go inside soon so Izuku doesn’t catch a chill.

He smiles. They can wait for a few more minutes.

Toshinori tilts his head up to match, closing his eyes, and together they enjoy what a cold morning can bring.

226 notes - Posted February 2, 2022

#3

obsessed with the cosmic joke that Spock’s lifemate would be Kirk.

my mans spends his entire life trying not to be human, to keep a very prominent space between his Vulcan heritage and the lesser half of himself

only to be thrust under James T. Kirks’s manic, oftentimes mildly suicidal, gut-following command. his ancestors are laughing.

because goddammit he likes it.

280 notes - Posted November 7, 2022

#2

I can’t live peacefully in a world where Jim and Spock don’t grow old together, into forever at each other’s sides, always getting into trouble until one of them finally admits (it’s Spock, on Jim’s disgruntled behalf) that, “Perhaps they should slow down a fraction in their later years”.

Only for their post-space-faring days to be spent torturing the next generation of Starfleet that can’t parse a Vulcan’s dry sense of humor and therefore they think Spock hates them all, until Jim comes in to play ‘good cop’ and pats him on the shoulder as they then speak about the glory days to anyone that will listen.

They’ll be old professors and Spock will enjoy every moment he can sit still and sink into his research while Jim terrorizes whatever starbase they’re on with his younger-than-his-years antics.

They will fall asleep in each other’s arms and always make sure to catch at least one meal a day together no matter how busy they get.

They do not separate. This does not end. And fairytales can happen, for two lovers, brothers, friends.

447 notes - Posted November 3, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

I’m being so normal about the idea of Spock learning to physically care for humans through his relationship with Jim. So normal about him diving into his memories for how his mother used to give him creature comforts that he slowly learned to bat away as his more Vulcan traits were desired and how he comes to a new appreciation for the small things like a touch to the arm or a mug of tea of an evening.

No matter that the temperature controls are always set where they should be, Jim likes a blanket over his shoulders as they sit and play chess or chat and Spock takes care of this. It doesn’t matter that Jim’s clothes are always neat and pristine, before they enter the bridge he would always check himself over, dusting off his shoulders in habit; Spock does this now, with a nod to answer Jim’s appreciative smile.

I’m so normal about Spock learning to appreciate the small courtesies and going out of his way for someone else, an illogical thing to do, really. Jim is a grown man who can take care of himself.

All the same, Spock does it. And he finds it isn’t so illogical after all when Jim looks at him like that.

600 notes - Posted November 1, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[mybullshitsensesaretingling]

A Vulcan Smile Part Three

[Part one] [Part two]

A/N: Lunar eclipses are ever 2.5 years on Earth. I just want y’all to know that

“How is it? Is it bad?” Joanna asked, peeping over the computer at you. “How bad is it?” 

“It’s not bad. It’s really good,” you told her. “Now go away and let me finish.”

With one last worried look, she went back to the sofa and you went back to reading her paper, but before you could make it through even a paragraph another McCoy interrupted you. 

“Is she gonna get an A?” Leonard put a hand on the desk and leaned over you to see the computer screen. “She better get an A.” 

“Leonard, I know that you don’t get to be here very often,” you turned your head slightly so that you could see his face, “but the whole helicopter dad thing you got going on is starting to drive me a little nuts?” 

“I’m the helicopter?” He met your gaze. “How many teachers make home visits?” 

“This is a big assignment.” 

“You’ve been here three days this week,’ he pointed out. 

“If you’re just going to complain, could you do it somewhere else so I can focus?” 

He looked back at the screen. “I’m not complaining.” 

You raised an eyebrow at him, but didn’t say anything, choosing instead to return to reading. The two of you read in silence for a moment, before a line caught your eye. 

“Looks like your snarkiness rubbed off on her,” you smiled, pointing out the line. “She’s pretty witty.” 

He looked down at you. “That was almost a compliment.” 

You ignored his comment, but the smile didn’t leave your face as you finished the paper. 

“She’s gonna get an A.” 

“She will once I fix the spelling. Move over.” He nudged the chair. “Apparently the dyslexia really is a family trait.” 

You leaned back in the desk chair. “You knew Spock had dyslexia but you didn’t know he had a sister?” 

“The details that man finds important enough to share astounds me too.” He motioned for you to get out of the chair so he could sit. “Do me a favor and tell Joanna to get ready for bed.” 

“Sure.” You got up and headed to the living room. “I do all the other parenting for you.” 

“I heard that.” 

“You were meant to,” you called back as you took a seat next to Joanna. “I’ve got good news and bad news, but I think there’s wiggly room on the bad news.” 

“Good news first,” she requested. 

“Good news is your paper is great and I’m super proud.” You held up your hand for her to high five. “Bad news is your dad wants you to go to bed soon.” 

She started to groan in complaint when she remembered your earlier comment. “You said there was wiggle room?” 

“There’s a lunar eclipse tonight. I think we convince him that staying up past your bedtime would be beneficial to your education.” 

She grinned at your suggestion. 

“That’s not gonna happen,” the doctor said as he crossed the room. 

“An appreciation and understanding of the universe is important to a young girl's development,” you told him. 

“So is sleep.” 

“She can sleep any night. She can only see a lunar eclipse every three years,” you argued.

His eyebrows lowered as his counterargument took shape in his mind. Joanna looked up at you with wide, insistent eyes and you gave her a small nod to let her know you had a handle on the situation. 

You looked back to Leonard and continued your argument before he had time to finish his, “You’ve already deprived her of the opportunity to live among the stars and learn all there is to learn about the universe while being raised by her father. Are you really going to deprive her of this too?” 

His eyebrows managed to lower further. He opened his mouth, closed it, and opened it once more. “I am not depriving her of anything. I am protecting her from the dangers of living on a starship.” 

Joanna rolled her eyes. 

“And now you’ve been provided the opportunity to show her the wonders of the stars safely from the ground. Don’t miss it.” 

“The wonders,” he scoffed under his breath. 

“Don’t let her grow up to be as cynical as you. Not yet.” You put your hands on Joanna’s shoulders as she did her best to look young and sweet. “Protect and foster her joy and innocence while she still has it.” 

His glare was flattering at the power of her puppy dog eyes and finally he sighed, “Fine.” 

Joanna cheered and sprinted out the front door. 

He crossed his arms. “You know she’s not gonna make it until the moon is even half in shadow.” 

“Maybe not,” you smiled, “but she’ll always remember that you let her try.” 

His expression softened further as he watched you follow his daughter outside. 

As usual, he was only half right. Joanna had stayed up to see the planet’s shadow move halfway across the moon, but had fallen asleep soon after. Her legs were draped over her father’s and her head resting in your lap as she snored softly. Your fingers weaved small braids into her hair while she slept. Quietly, you named the stars. You had started for Joanna’s benefit, teaching her the stars she could see from Earth when she was small. But you found yourself continuing long after her eyes had closed. You were barely aware of the words you were saying anymore and you were sure Leonard wasn’t paying attention. 

When you dropped your gaze from the moon you found him staring at you. Finally, the stream of star facts came to a stop. 

“Sorry,” your voice dropped an octave. “Didn’t realize how much I was infodumping.” 

“You do tend to babble,” he smiled softly to let you know he was joking. Or maybe he was letting you know that he didn’t mind. “You’re a good teacher.”  

You chuckled lightly, “Thanks.”

“But why are you here?” You raised an eyebrow at his question and he quickly explained, “If you like space so much why aren’t you working up there? They’re always looking for teachers on space stations.” 

You shuttered at the idea. “Can’t stand those death traps. They’re nothing but a testament to the federation’s hubris.” You looked back at the sky but not before you caught his smile widening ever so slightly. “I don’t know how much of this is a genuine interest anymore and how much is just affection for Spock.” 

“How’s that?”

You sighed deeply trying to figure out how to explain your complicated emotions around the subject. “Spock and I aren’t close. You may have noticed that we don’t have a lot in common.” 

“Yeah, I picked up on that.”

“Well, the one thing we did have in common were the stars. Interest in the sciences was always encouraged in our home so we could go out at night to watch the stars without being questioned. And if Sarek was gone we were allowed to just be. No pressure to hide and suppress every emotion, to stifle every human instinct.” You finished the braid you had been working on and picked up another lock of hair. “We watched every astronomical event together. Even when Spock had run away, if there was a meteor shower I could walk outside at one in the morning and find him waiting for me, like nothing had happened.” 

“Now it’s all we have left. We don’t have a shared home or parents to bring us together anymore. I haven’t even seen him in five years. But every time there’s an upcoming astronomical event, I get a subspace message detailing the event in flawless academic writing.” You chuckled. “I guess it’s Spock's way of saying he loves me.” 

“That’s unexpectedly beautiful,” Leonard told you. “I didn’t think Spock had it in him.”

[dr-mcspirk]

sunkissed (a spirk drabble)

The sun of San Francisco shone from the window, kissing their skins. It was the morning after they made love. Spock slowly opened his eyes and saw his t’hy’la sleeping peacefully, beautifully next to him. If their room was an art gallery, Jim would be the only masterpiece he will never get tired of looking at. Spock trailed his fingers through Jim’s bare shoulder before placing his hands on the other’s cheek. This was his only time he could let his human side show, only Jim can see him this vulnerable. After a few moments of staring at his lover, he pressed his fingers against Jim’s psi-points and melded through his dreams.

Spock was in Jim’s dream. Jim was sitting on the hill under a tree. The place looks like Iowa, where Jim grew up. Spock knows that Jim felt his presence in his mind but decided to focus on the sky turning orange as the sun comes to rest. The vulcan sat beside his t’hy’la, watching the sunset with him.

“I do not intend to meld with you while you are sleeping yet I find your features very peaceful and fascinating.” Jim giggled at what his lover said, still pinning his eyes at the sunset.

“You can meld with me anytime you wanted. It’s actually nice to have you here.” The silence between them filled the scenery, just feeling the view of normal Earth sunset. Spock looked at Jim and even if this was just a dream, he truly finds Jim really pretty that it makes his tongue tied every time he’s about to speak.

“It’s sad yet peaceful that the sun has to go down after a long day. After all, it did its job so it deserves some rest.” Jim stated with a gloomy tone.

“Ashayam...”

“Yes?”

“I have finally thought our relationship through.” Jim’s eyebrows raised when he heard Spock’s statement. Confusion was painted in his face.

“What do you mean?”

“Ashal-veh, I have concluded. You are the first being I wanted to see when the sun rises, and the last being I wanted to be with until the sun sets.”

“And what do you imply, Spock?”

“I want to spend my sunrises and sunsets with you for all my lifetime.”

Spock relieves his fingers against Jim whose eyes are shut yet tearing up. The vibrant hue of the other’s eyes slowly showed under the ray of the sun, staring directly into the Vulcan’s orbs. He cupped Spock’s cheeks and kissed him sweetly before resting his forehead against his.

“Say it again but in a more understandable way, please.” Jim chuckled and sniffed because of the mixed emotions he was having. As someone who just woke up, he was still a little baffled but understood a bit of it.

“Be my bondmate, my adun, Jim.” Spock said calmly with sincerity in his voice, eyes still shut as he held and feel Jim’s warm hands.

“Of course, baby, of course yes!” Once again, the human kissed the Vulcan lovingly and longingly. No words can explain his happiness, as well as the Vulcan. Jim can’t believe that Spock just proposed to him under the perfect weather of San Francisco and at the sunset of his dreams from Iowa. He could never wish for more. They broke the kiss to gasp for air and smiled afterwards—Jim with a wide grin and Spock with an obvious tug on his lips.

“Why, Mr. Spock...you’re becoming human after the proposal.” Jim teased that made the Vulcan raise his brow.

“You make me feel human, Jim. Happiness is illogical yet I cannot contain the contagious emotion you have radiated through our bond which is...most logical.” Spock explained in his normal monotonous tone that made Jim chuckle more. They snuggled closer together with their noses almost touching.

“It was lovely loving you, Mr. Spock.” Jim said sincerely as he drew hearts and stars on Spock’s cheek. The Vulcan kissed the tip of the humans fingers down to his palm before pinning his eyes to Jim’s.

“And so are you, a perfect being, ashayam.”

P.S. This was actually written before I sleep and I was listening to this song when I got the idea so hehe. I think it’s cute though. Having a Spirk brainrot atm 😬🖖

[lenievi]

#22 for the Touching prompt for Spones?

#22 falling asleep on the other’s shoulder

This took me way too long :D I just had trouble coming up with a situation...

It's set pre-Amok Time.

---

“When I’m stuck on the ship, I often wish I could be somewhere else,” McCoy said as Spock stopped two steps behind him. McCoy was sitting on the grass, one knee pressed against his chest, hugging it close. “And what do I do when I’m not stuck on the ship? I end up watching the stars.”

“We are returning to the ship tomorrow,” Spock said, looking up at the sky, so different from those on Vulcan and Earth.

The Enterprise was somewhere on her way back to N-223 from Starbase 49 to pick them up.

“That’s not what I meant.” McCoy shook his head. “I’ve never had any interest in the stars. Or space.” He let out a laugh. “I’m not even sure if I like them now.”

Spock sat next to McCoy. “The stars are what connects us to those who are not with us.”

When Spock was a young child, before the kahs-wan, when Father would leave Vulcan due to his work, Mother would tell Spock to watch the sky. She would tell him that wherever Father would be, he too would be seeing a starry sky, remembering those he’d left at home. Soon, Spock learned that the night sky appeared different from every single planet and that there was no logic in Mother’s words. Despite that, even in adulthood, he would continue looking up at the stars and think of those he’d been parted from.

“They’re also what keeps us away from them,” McCoy said, his voice quiet. “The stars. The space. Our duties.”

Spock could not say anything to that, and they continued to sit in silence. Humans often felt the need to fill the silence, and at the beginning of their acquaintance McCoy had been the same, but the more time they’d spent with each other, the more they’d learned about each other, the more their interaction had changed, and Spock had found that spending time with McCoy without talking was… not uncomfortable.

“Did you want to enter Starfleet when you were a child?” McCoy asked after a while, turning to look at him, his shoulder brushing against Spock’s as he moved.

I want to become an ambassador like you, Father. Spock did not think about that in a long time. It did not matter what he’d wanted when he was five, when he still wanted— when his and Sarek’s relationship was not soured.

Spock looked at the sky in the direction of Vulcan and said, “I did not.”

“Really?”

“That decision was made later.”

“What changed your mind?”

Perhaps because it was dark, perhaps because he was not facing McCoy, it was easier to answer. “I wanted to leave Vulcan.” It was only a part of the reason, but one that had felt the truest at the time of his departure.

McCoy hummed and leaned his cheek on Spock’s shoulder. Spock’s muscles tensed, just for a second, and McCoy started to withdraw.

“Don’t,” Spock whispered.

McCoy pressed closer again, and Spock relaxed.

Something between them had kept changing, slowly and inexplicably. They did not talk about it. Spock was not sure what it even was, but the found closeness was… strangely pleasant. Comfortable and uncomfortable at the same time.

Spock should put a stop to it, but as long as McCoy didn’t ask anything from him, there was nothing to reject and nothing to acknowledge.

“Did you have another nightmare?” Spock asked.

His only answer was McCoy’s deep breathing.

Spock raised his face toward the sky, his thoughts returning to Vulcan, hoping that McCoy would never approach him with a wish for something more.