#like one time in eight months
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idk
#overheard my roommate and his gf#my roommate is the landlords brother#and his gf said well they’ve had issues with her not paying rent#and that is obviously me or my other roommate#I’ve missed rent once since I’ve been living here#and I sent it to the landlord the same day he emailed me to let me know I’d miss it#so idk if that constitutes me missing rent because I feel like it’d have to be an ongoing problem for it to matter that much#like one time in eight months#but my other roommate like seems to have her life together so I wouldn’t think she’d be missing rent#and if it was such a problem that I missed it once#then why hasn’t the landlord or the brother said something to me#I’m probs worried over nothing#but it’s def weird to overhear that#like idk the vibes were off#and I wasn’t intentionally eavesdropping#sound carries really far in this house#but yeah just a weird convo
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just as they were finally about to revoke my membership card for the Certified Derek Shepherd Haters Club, i started rewatching bits of season one and two with the knowledge of what comes later and i i kind of want to rip out all his fingernails one by one
#greys anatomy#derek shepherd#the man practically has a red flag for a penis#as a side note: when you know that season one only takes place over two months#the intensity of merder seems even crazier#like… they were both ready to risk it all for an eight week relationship that mainly consisted of hr violations#even if general audiences at the time could forgive the way he treats addison (not even gonna get int that bc it pisses me off so much)#the way he pursues meredith is fucking crazy#he was treating them both like shit in season two#and while we’re on the topic! meredith is pissing me off a little too#i love her so much but come on. stand up#i digress#at least i get to rewatch it all with a meddison lense in mind
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I’m sorry you are getting sent Brody hate! But comparing absences to Jordan who misses shows because he’s a literal father and has been open about his health issues is NOT ok. Also I believe Renni has missed more shows than Brody but nobody says anything because he isn’t the lead. And Renni has missed shows for a valid reason and is now getting surgery. Brody has valid reasons like every Broadway actor! He’s literally done most shows in the last month besides like 5 which is A LOT for Pony. Also wouldn’t be surprised if he’s on vocal rest!
i mean like…i’m not brody so i’m not rly offended by it? tone is hard over text and i probably sound like i’m trying to be a smartass, i’m not-i’m not offended or anything or even suggesting you HAVE to like him. i’m just saying it’s exhausting to deal with? i get i’m the main person people go to about drama and whatever(not even the right word) because ill admit, i feed into it. and i’m trying to get better at not feeding into it because i know it’s only giving a reaction-it’s just…hard? because i’m very opinionated and u stand by my beliefs and i hate to throw in the towel (ha) but yeah. again, i know that i’m the person people go to to stir up controversy (i’m glad i am because i’d hate for any other BG fans to get sent some of the shit i do-again, it’s not like i’m offended? it’s just like…why harass people over content you don’t like? if you don’t like the actor or the media then don’t interact with the fans. that’s like me going to to a bunch of taylor swift fans and saying i hate her music and purposefully trying to stir up trouble.
comparing actors from completely separate shows is unfair too. especially if one is in hadestown and one is in outsiders. those are two very very very VERY different plays. and i doubt the reason jordan isn’t absent as much is because he wants to “salvage his reputation’ because we never (and never need to) know what’s going on in an actors life. there could’ve been plenty of other reasons JF was absent so much. (edit but i reread the ask and i didn’t know he’s a father and had health issues….its stupid to compare the two.) but i’m not familiar with him so i’m not gonna speak on him.
brody’s absences are literally no one’s business. yes, i get it’s disappointing that he’s not there. but there are two amazingly talented understudies who cover him and if the musical thought brody could do all eight days they wouldn’t give him an understudy.
it’s just tiring. i don’t mind answering questions but like…you know i’m a fan of his, a fan of the musical. so sending outsiders/brody hate to me just seems stupid. just don’t interact with me. it’s not that hard.
#anon#alaska’s asks#brody grant#he deserves a break like i can’t imagine doing this show eight times a week for like…what seven months now?#and you can’t even get mad that he wasn’t there in july because it was summer and like he’s allowed to take breaks#sone of these people act like he’s a spectacle like i never see anyone else getting shit for taking a break but god forbid brody is out#everyone just throws a fit#like i get it’s disappointing but come on#his attendance has been really good btw like some of these people act like he does one show and leaves for a month#i hate this stigma that it’s okay to be rude to an actor for needing a day off. it’s toxic and immature and it has to stop#i don’t think i’ve ever gotten a positive ask about the musical or anyone involved in it it’s just people shitting on brody#like idk what they want me to do i’m not brody lmao#like yes i’m just gonna hit him up and bitch at him smh#get over yourselves#(not you anon ofc just these people)#seriously though it’s so tiring and unessecary#you don’t have to like him but don’t be rude about him or to people who do like him
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now it is incredibly late to be saying this but god the month-long hiring process has sucked kjsdf turns out thats the perfect amount of time for the excitement-anxiety to wear off and then the hopeful responsible problem-solving forward-thinking optimism to wear off and then the "fuck it" dissociation to wear off and whatever other defensive layers i had up between me and "huh maybe itd be easier if i died than to get a new job to do badly at" to wear off lol whoops. please. please. please. its literally gonna be fine once i actually get started and get in the swing of it. i JUST have to survive a few more miserable days <- NOT IN DANGER. just fucking miserable
#ILL WANT TO BE ALIVE IN LIKE A MONTH KSJHFG i promise i promise i promise.#bwahhhhh. compounding factors: i still have very few details about important things. see which of those i can solve on monday.#and. i will have one coworker lol. and ill be with her fulltime while im Getting Oriented. just me and her in a small office for#eight hour shifts. thats so much time i can make someone hate me right out the gate. thats also a temporary problem kjsfg#please. god. the actual work of this job is fucking easy street im looking forward to that so much. please dont let me fail at the#starting hurdle just due to the autism and the depression.#and please dont let me fuck up in front of nice older country southern ladies.
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if i have to have another healthy food and mindful eating conversation with my mom it’s over for me
#🍄.txt#i inherited your stupid fucking disordered eating habits do you seriously think i’m not thinking about what i eat every single time#we shouldn’t use our illnesses as a crutch as if i’m using them as an excuse and not an explanation???#if my medication and pcos wouldn’t have caused me to gain all of this weight i can guarantee you she wouldn’t be like this#also telling me she’s been trying to lose the same 5 pounds the last eight months to no avail like do you see our family#getting lazy is one thing but sometimes we’re just built different and have different baselines#so many headaches and stomach problems BECAUSE SHE DOESNT FUCKING EAT RIGHT#i’ve already told her i hate talking about this and yet she continues#chronic illness aside she’s the one who gave me these issues with food i’ve been trying to get over FOREVER please leave me alone#so many health issues recently i’m so tired of my health being the topic of conversation and just always fucking devolving#disordered eating mention#weight mention
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he's just. got so many fucking words.
#i'm finishing stormblood tonight#literally my guy would be normal if he said like. eight words a day. i think that would fix him. instead of holding all of them hostage for#six months at a time#xiv blogging#stop thinking of the 800 words you're gonna say to one guy stop doing that#thought i wasn't gonna be able to make it through shb before dawntrail dropped BUT I MIGHT MAKE IT#.... maybe
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I just. I love my dad so much guys
#MAN OF ALL TIME he's so fuckin rad#he came over to help me set up my desktop (got a pc btw) and funniest man in existence here he touched my desk saw it wobble and went ''NO'#came back with his tools and an office chair for me because he saw the chair I was gonna use and went :/#this man brought over an ENTIRE TOOLBOX just for me because I cannot for the life of me find where the old one went and just. fixed the des#that I had been struggling with for about eight months at this point. in like twenty minutes. and then set up my desktop for me#he also brought over a webcam and microphone without any sort of promoting just because he knows I do discord calls with my friends and gf#also I dug out the instructions for the desk and before I could even hand him the paper he was like ''so this is how we fix this''#and then fixed it and was like ''yeah you did that wrong but you were close''#and then was like ''dont buy furniture and stuff without letting me know first what you want I'll keep an eye out''#and I was laughing being like ''I didn't want to come to you every time I need something because I want you to see me as independent''#and he went ''you live by yourself of course I see you as independent'' and my bitches the way I almost cried right there#just. idk something something the way my families love languages have always been acts of service and gift giving#and my dad insisting I should rely on him more and giving me stuff I wanted but don't have without EVER TELLING HIM I wanted said things#just. my dad is so cool guys#sorry I saw my computer set up vibing on my desk and got completely overwhelmed#ignore me#not marvel related
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-Adds an oc on here-
#-CRIES- after this I'm just adding nat and calling it a day for 4534543 months so I can build up what I have#I might one day against better judgement make a blog for this oc#but we'll see -slaps them on here for now-#after like eight yrs of just rping like one or two muses at a time I'm just pretty much#living out my dreams on this little multi#;tbd#;ooc jabber
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*thousand yard stare* Found my sun lamp
#only took what FOUR OR FIVE MONTHS????#i live in a two bedroom apartment so i knew i hadn't lost it#but there's genuinely not that many places to lose something like that#and I thought I'd checked all of them multiple times#and then found it today in my dresser#in a drawer I never open because the one above it sticks#ANYWAY I HAVE A SUN LAMP AGAIN#during that time of the year we have maybe eight hours of darkness
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bitches love me cause i sleep until 4
I'm stealing you melatonin I need some
#I woke up at EIGHT!!! I COULD NOT SLEEP MORE!!!!!!!#I actually. Fell asleep at a decent time it was weird#This is funny to me if I fall asleep early I WILL be forcibly woken up by my body because it is alarming apparently if I sleep normally#I don't ever sleep enough I can't ever. Like 6-5 hours on school nights#Maybe once or twice a month like last night ig I'll just. Randomly collapse or pass out in my room and sleep for longer than normal and the#I'm good for a few weeks. Like. It's strange. How I sleep idk.#I've fallen asleep at like 6 and woken up at 3am on a SATURDAY#and also I slept for 18 hours one time and then only got like three hours for the next few days#I'm taking your melatonin I need my body to produce it like a normal person#Asks#fruit-gummiees
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i'm going spillways again and i don't think i can be here. everyone is either too close or too far away. relapse will be my priority
#random thoughts#not in the way you think.#it's been this way for a very long time. years off and on again. it's been on for over eight months now??#and being on this website is terrifying. i don't know why. it's served as a place for me to express myself#but there is this glaringly obvious thing i feel the need to hide away as i can tell no-one.#because it's all a lie. it's not even serious. it's not like it's real because nobody in real life knows yet#and i won't tell anyone until i'm much older and ready to give up and be fine again.#really there's nothing wrong with me. not yet. but my mind is fucking me over about it#i might disappear again. unless ciel comes back. i miss vivi. so much. ):
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Hi im back . For some time
#.mimiming ❜#um . hi im gonna slee soon but i missed you all so much#umm first of all im trying to ccut down in screentime because my therapist told me to#second. after two or three months of convincing myself that i literally do not care im only going to school for just a few more days (onl#y today and wednesday) i literally do not care#i almost keep crying . because well um#idk. i was originally planning on cutting off contact with everyone#because of stuff thats happened before#but my friends. my current friends dont just treat me as a therapist or something so#also one of my wives would probably hunt me down and kill me if i tried to cut off contact#but ill still miss this stupid class and this stupid school and all the stupid teachers and students#and the horrible tasting canteen food#and the playground ive played in eight times total despite being here for 12 years#idk man#also because of my periods my mood swings were so much worse#and i just ..idk i needed a break ig#anyways im back for sometime then ill start looking for a job#me friend said maybe we can do something together#idk#you can always send me asks and dms tho 👍👍#im not really sure . like about anything right now#ill try to get the drawing requests done soon maybe#wild how time passes huh#god i need to stop acting like such a grownup im literally three years old
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there we go I'm pretty sure I've gotten all the endings of returnal, including the tower of sisyphus ones! amazing game, enthralling gameplay, stunning art direction, phenomenal pacing of introducing new environments and elements (this is maybe the thing that has me most impressed, actually -- it really felt like they found the perfect pace to take between letting you settle in with skill or place or element, and introducing a new one, there was this perfect sense of discovery and mastery that rarely got boring or overwhelming and had me in a constant state of pleasant surprise and intrigue), psychologically evocative story with some of the most deliciously insidious ludonarrative resonance I have ever seen, we must imagine selene if not happy (definitely not happy) then at least somehow at home in hell.
...and still somehow 11 days until veilguard releases :')
#returnal#this game is pretty difficult I honestly thought it would keep me much longer but I have uh. I have played it A Lot this week fhskda#I have like 30 out of 38 achievements now and I think most of the last eight are the grindfest ones based in random drops#I beat algos in level 3 too early to get the ending b/c you have to go through all the poppy memories first#so I had to do a whole run just to get the proper ending lol. uplifting stuff of course as you might expect from this game#also discovering this is probably a finnish studio by seeing all the finnish names in the credits (which have rolled like... four times now#I was less enthused with the endless mode -- it really does feel like grinding for a more op gun to do most of your work for you#and I missed exploring new environments a lot. BUT it adds some very interesting stuff to the story!#and if you want to grind weapon trait unlocks I think it's your friend#I actually preferred some of the early game stuff without all the op traits -- the pure back and forth dance of it --#but I'm like that in soulsborne games too I prefer that rhythm to getting clever with it lol#abyssal scar is deeply unfair if you don't have some of that to help you along tho so *shrug* it is what it is and still very very fun#can't believe they got the cutest most floppy-haired kid ever to be helios btw. awful. terrible. all is suffering#I suspect I will have 'don't fear the reaper' on repeat in my head for approximately three months after all of this
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honestly. it's so fucking frustrating and disheartening. that the only thing making me hesitant to cleanly cut contact with my mom, the thing that still looms after cutting away from my dad........ is that when they both finally bite it, that's two houses to sell. that's money that may mean *i* get to have my own house someday.
the key to the security my parents failed to give me from the moment i was born lies in their deaths. the least they can do. the very fucking *least* is to leave me the means to build that security on my own. they owe me so much more than that, but realistically? that small act of restitution is all i can and will ask for.
until then? i want nothing to do with them.
#the comments of the article i'm reading involves people discussing their reasons for not going no contact with both parents#one of which being that they're not ready to be an orphan yet#and fuck. i know it's more complicated than this but. i've *always* been an orphan#i've wanted to let my parents go for a very long time#it took longer to do my due dilligence in giving my mom eight million chances but. those chances have come and gone#i don't want to do the work to whittle down our interactions. i don't think our relationship is worth carving it down to 'we can talk for 20#minutes once a month about light topics only. i don't want to hear about your sisters or my dad again thanks'#i get nothing out of that#i feel like now that i've Made Up My Mind (finally. it took so fucking long 😢) i'm obligated to give her one last chance#after outlining the New Rules#but she's an adult. as one commenter said '[s]he was always capable of respecting you.'#my mom is an adult. for all the work she's done on herself#she could've caught on that benting about her sisters every time we talk is not an appropriate topic of conversation#she could have noticed all the times i tried to interrupt her when she was here. not even to interrupt her to stop her from talking but#interrupting her so i could PARTICIPATE in the conversation#she is an ADULT and she is capable of looking at our interactions and seeing that they need improvement#there are certain boundaries that polite well adjusted people do not need to deliberately express to expect to have them respected#my mother is responsible for identifying those boundaries and that work. no i can't expect her to read my mind and intuit my boundaries#without me saying so. but i CAN expect her to ask my consent before discussing heavy topics. i CAN expect her to be self aware enough to#allow me to participate in conversations with her#i CAN expect her to manage her emotions to not be a volatile monster just waiting to trauma dump or explode#it is not my responsibility to teach her basic interpersonal decency#and i don't need to give her the eight million and one'th chance to prove she can be respectful this time#she was always capable of respecting me. she just chose not to#venting her feelings and being in her triggers is more important to her#and i sincerely hope she'll stay tangled in those feelings and not bring out the gaslighty 'i'll do anything to keep you in my life!!!!!!'#because. clearly. she will not.#she was always capable of respecting me. and emotional manipulation is not a part of that#personal#i just want to get my parents dying over with so i can afford a down payment on a fucking house
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resigning myself to the possibility that won’t hear from the boy again and as much as that’s okay, I’ll be fine, life just moves the way it does, I am sad about it, and I have to know it’s okay to let myself be really sad about it
#I really hope it’s not the case still but I have to make my peace with it if it is#he was really so wonderful#it was the best seven hours I’ve had all year#in way longer than that#and I just#I really liked him. I really like him#I wanted to give it a try#I still do#but it’s past my control or say so now and has been for a while#still he said so many wonderful things#said we should hang out again before he leaves (soon!) which did not happen because he was busy#said he’d check in with me about last Friday and didn’t#said during the concert that he’d get his passport and maybe we could go up to Canada together#so I wonder again and again did I say something near the end that changed his mind#that made him think differently#but then I think about how his response when I thought he was ghosting me really was the best possible reply#he had a great time and he’s sorry he didn’t mean to make me worry#I gave him an out then and he could’ve taken it if that’s how he felt#if that’s how he feels#he said he’d be less responsive and hoped that would be okay but it’s been one text since then#radio silence since#so I’m just waiting#waiting and thinking about a reel I saw about a couple who also met on bumble#about how the guy said to the girl that she’d sort of ghosted him in the beginning but now they’re married#I think about how my sister and her husband met at a similar time of year#how he came to thanksgiving and they got married eight months after meeting each other#and it’s not that I want to be married eight months from now or that I even think that he’d be the one#but chat: I’m a romantic I always have been#and I just. I want to try#personal
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The pure cuddly joy of spending a cold Colorado morning sending Instagram cat reels back and forth with the love of your life because he's in Utah for the week and you're not
#me n my stoner bitch are still doing just fine thanks#eight months and rolling#bootleg Thanksgiving#or as he calls it Happy National Genocide Day folks!#a day late but i woke up in a recliner in the upstairs of aomebody else's house last night with a prime rib headache in my stomach#and a nice neat row of empty local brew bottles on top of the tv where one of my kids was playing Call Of Duty with some big bald man with#Sam Elliott handlebar mustache#apparently dinner was one for the record books#pretty sure i remember there being like 30 people there and i refereed a dodgeball tournament upstairs with at least 45 children#and a kid named Reuben who kept throwing the football into the fireplace#and now my Stoner Bitch is in Utah laughing at me because he had to tell me how to do thanksgiving and apparently i did it wrong anyway#anyhow happy day after national genocide day everybody i hope you're as happy and content as I've been for the last eight months#*waves*#until next time
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