#this game is pretty difficult I honestly thought it would keep me much longer but I have uh. I have played it A Lot this week fhskda

[vaguely-concerned]

there we go I'm pretty sure I've gotten all the endings of returnal, including the tower of sisyphus ones! amazing game, enthralling gameplay, stunning art direction, phenomenal pacing of introducing new environments and elements (this is maybe the thing that has me most impressed, actually -- it really felt like they found the perfect pace to take between letting you settle in with skill or place or element, and introducing a new one, there was this perfect sense of discovery and mastery that rarely got boring or overwhelming and had me in a constant state of pleasant surprise and intrigue), psychologically evocative story with some of the most deliciously insidious ludonarrative resonance I have ever seen, we must imagine selene if not happy (definitely not happy) then at least somehow at home in hell.

...and still somehow 11 days until veilguard releases :')

[yourknifemyside]

"You're not the same anymore Don't wanna play that game anymore You'd make a better window than a door"

#4. The New Abnormal, by The Strokes (2020) 🔁

After how complicated and conflicted my thoughts on Comedown Machine were, I feel like I can breathe a giant sigh of relief that this is going to be a much less difficult review. The New Abnormal is equal parts an evolution and a return to form for The Strokes after a seven year gap from their prior album. It's just a good album, I'll tell you that up front. Until now, I've always tended to pass it over when thinking about the band. It was always a record I'd think was good, but would exit my mind faster than it'd arrived once it was over. I never knew if that was just me not giving it the proper attention it deserved (I often put it on while doing other things,) or if it really just wasn't particularly memorable. The main goal of this revisit for me was to give it my full attention, so that's what I did!

Unsurprisingly, but thankfully all the same, The New Abnormal has course-corrected the baffling production choices made back on Comedown Machine. I think there's still elements of that album lingering in some of these compositions and arrangements, but pretty much only the positive elements. The open, airy soundscapes of their earlier days has returned and been refined—cleaned up, but not without the grit and edges that helped to give The Strokes such a lively sound. There's a larger use of synths and drum machines than their previous efforts, but they're treated as an added flavor more than a distraction or diversion from the core sound.

The New Abnormal features The Strokes at their most mellow and melancholy—there's no shortage of bright, summery bangers of course, but a welcome, healthy dose of introspective and contemplative songs really help to uniquely color The New Abnormal as something truly "new" for the band. This is a more weathered and mature group of musicians than the brash, attitude-fueled kids that burst on the scene two decades earlier, and I like that this growth is reflected tonally, both lyrically and sonically. All the while, the blissfully catchy melodies that keep me coming back to The Strokes remain on full display. This is honestly The Strokes at their catchiest in what must've felt like forever. The main melodies in The Adults Are Talking and Ode To The Mets, and the choruses to Brooklyn Bridge To Chorus and At The Door, might be some of the best the band have ever put out. There's just a lot of life and energy to these songs, something that was sorely missed on their previous record. Even their slower song have an undeniable drive to them—At The Door is truly impressive in how engaging it is for its entire five minute length, without any percussion to propel the song forward. That's owed to the strength of a great vocal performance and melody from Julian Casablancas, who, in a stark contrast from Comedown Machine, really feels like he gives a shit on this one. Lyrically and vocally, I feel the passion towards crafting something meaningful and personal on this record, and I appreciate that most of all.

As much as I do like this album, I still find a couple things that give me pause. It's my typical complaint of "some of these songs are a little too repetitive," and, "some of these songs are a little too long," both of which compound in the Eternal Summer that slices the tracklist in half. Pretty much every song on this album runs a minute or two longer than you'd typically expect of The Strokes, but Eternal Summer puts them all to shame, coming in at a staggering six minutes and fifteen seconds. "Eternal" indeed; whereas most of the rest of these songs make pretty good use of their extended runtime, this one puts a lot of emphasis on its repetition, and goes on for a long time. This also harbinges the heaviest use of falsetto on the album, something I really did not like on Comedown Machine. I have to say, it really doesn't bother me quite as much at any point on The New Abnormal as it did back then—he sounds a lot better in that range this time around, and implements it more tastefully across this record—but there's still a bit too much of it on this song for my taste. It ends up being a bit of a skid mark on an otherwise pristinely flowing tracklist, which is a damn shame. Bad Decisions also isn't really my favorite, combining repetition with very familiar-sounding parts. They kinda just mashed the instrumental of I'll Melt With You with the vocal melody of Dancing With Myself and called it a day. It's a little bit too goofy for me, but I can jive with its energy during a full album listen, I'd just never put it on separately. But those two songs back-to-back, as well as having a lot of great tunes, but nothing that really blows me away, are the only things keeping The New Abnormal from being truly excellent.

I really like this album, and I can see it continuing to grow on me with time as I revisit it more often (this will probably be in rotation for me this spring/summer!) I'm excited to see if my feelings on it blossom further in the warmer weather, or if it once again leaves my mind the moment I publish this review. Only time will tell, I suppose!

7 / 10 Favorite tracks: Not The Same Anymore, The Adults Are Talking, Brooklyn Bridge To Chorus Least favorite: Eternal Summer

Listened on Jan 12th, 2025

[purplesurveys]

1861

What was the last bad thing that happened to your phone? Not really bad per se, but getting a notice in the middle of filming something that I had no storage left. I'm a hoarder through and through, so even though I have files backed up and even have Google Drives to store my photos in, I like keeping most things on my phone and I'm very familiar with running out of space haha.

What are your plans for tomorrow? We have an all-day team building thing. The company even booked a hotel for us overnight, so I'm here in my room right now while taking this.

Have you ever been with someone while they were throwing up? I honestly can't remember if that's happened. I'm usually the one they accompany lol...

What kind of outfit are you wearing right now? Sweatshirt + sweatpants. I'm savoring this moment now because I'm in a hotel and the aircon is freezing and this will never ever happen anywhere else this time of the year lmao.

Would you go out in public right this moment? I am technically in public right now.

Who was the last person you talked to on instant messenger? My sister. I was asking for photos of the dogs earlier because I was missing them.

Have you ever done something illegal with a family member? What about with your best friend? Hmm. Probably.

Would you rather get high or get drunk? Drunk.

Would you rather get pregnant at too young an age or never be able to reproduce? I don't want kids, so.

What was the last thing you cooked? Can it be the last thing I reheated instead because I don't cook? Hahaha. Spaghetti from Jollibee.

What were you doing 45 min ago? Playing Rhythm Hive.

What will you be doing in 20 min? Changing into my sleeping clothes for tonight.

What did you do yesterday? Worked, played my game, and for like three straight hours I watched videos from this local vlogger that I really really like. I actually already started watching his stuff months ago, but then he disappeared from my algorithm never to come back. I suddenly remembered him yesterday so I looked him up and saw that he had been posting new videos the whole time, so last night was dedicated to catching up.

Did you get a full 8 hours of sleep last night? Nah. Never on weekdays as I do revenge bedtime procrastination.

Have you ever gotten alcohol poisoning? I would never drink that much in one go to be at risk of alcohol poisoning.

Are you in a good mood right now? I'm feeling pretty damn great lmao. I'm in a hotel, I'm taking surveys, I have a plate of macarons beside me, I don't need to worry about work tomorrow since we'll be team building-ing...it's all lovely.

What’s the hardest thing you have done all week? Get through a meeting with a difficult client. He's so negative, never once seemed grateful, gave very strong know-it-all vibes, even his own teammates were on edge around him...I never thought a meeting could be so soul-sucking until that happened, and I honestly wish the deal would fall through or that the event we are planning for them gets cancelled. Not worth it.

How did you feel when you woke up today? LOLfuckit's9:30andIoversleptwhydidIoversleep

Do you want to see someone at this very moment? No.

Think of the person who has hurt you the most in the past year, who is it? My mom.

Do you think two people can last forever? Sure.

Do you find it in your heart to forgive? No.

Last person you talked to on the phone for longer than 5 min? Idk, that doesn't really happen a lot. Maybe with my dad? it's always more a call between him and my mom, though. We kids just chime in from time to time to greet him and such.

Are you a morning person or night person? Night.

Did you go out or stay in last night? It was a Tuesday evening, you best believe I stayed in haha.

Who was the last person in your bedroom? My sister, if I remember right.

Are you afraid to tell your true feelings? Doesn't it always depend on the situation? I'd feel more hesitant if I'm not around people I'm super close with.

Can you honestly say you’re okay right now? Sure.

How has this past week been for you? Nothing out of the ordinary.

Do you currently have a hickey? No.

Did you ever lose a best friend? Yes, I have.

How many piercings do you have? Just two, but I never have anything on them anymore.

Do you bump into someone’s arm if you want to hold their hand? No...

Are you listening to music, if so, what song? Continued from last night. Nope.

Favorite part of summer? My birthday.

Where was your default picture taken? A museum in Makati.

What is your middle name? Eh...

What color underwear are you wearing? Beige.

What color shirt are you wearing? Orange.

Ever had a near death experience? Not really.

Have you ever kissed in the rain? I don't know. Probably?

What is your natural hair color? Black.

Could you handle living with the last boy you texted? No, I barely know them.

What are you excited for? Seeing my dad again, traveling to Vietnam, and getting the notification for Jin's first live back.

Have you been to the beach this year? Yes, twice – both related to work but it's fine haha. The first time was at a TVC shoot that needed to be set at the beach; The second was our team bonding day where Leah invited us all to her beachside house.

What makes you happy? My dogs, day offs, and BTS.

Anything happen to you within the past month that made you really happy? Sure. My birthday happened and my birthday is always one of my favorite days of the year; that's one.

Could you go the rest of your life without smoking weed? Yes.

Held hands with anyone in the past month? I don't think I have. I've linked arms with my grandma since she needs help walking now, but we haven't held hands.

Would you put your life on the line for anyone? Yes.

When’s the last time you did something you knew was wrong? Three seconds ago, lol.

Do you think that someone is thinking about you right now? Doubt it.

Are there any bruises/cuts on your body? No but there is this very uncomfortable knot(?) on the right side of the back of my neck right now that is preventing me from bending my head to the right.

How late did you stay up last night? 2 AM, as usual.

Do you want someone to call you right now? Not really.

Are you a loud person? With the right people, I can be.

Are you a shy person? For the most part.

Does it take a lot to make you cry? No. I was crying uncontrollably the other night over BTS videos.

If your parents didn’t like the person you were dating, would you lose them? Depends on the person, I'm guessing. With my last ex, I imagine I would have fought for it. Hard to imagine with anyone else since I've never dated since then.

How’s your heart lately? Steadily working its way towards peace.

How was Saturday night? Pretty uneventful. I dyed my hair and stayed in.

Will you be in a relationship in 4 months? No.

Are you tan? Yes.

Do you think you can last in a relationship for 3 months? I did. Nearly 20 times that length.

Think a lot before you fall asleep? Sometimes.

[dailyrandomwriter]

Day 606

As a general rule of thumb I don’t invest in digital habit trackers or software that gamifies working or exercising. Primarily because I don’t find that they work. Often these types of programs are designed to work in the background of your computer, phone or tablet, and you would reopen them once you have done a task or completed a chore.

There are two problems for me with these types of programs. First is the weird, out of sight, out of mind thing that happens. For the same reasons why I don’t like using a digital calendar on my phone, the moment I put it in and close the app, it is out of sight, and very quickly out of mind. Especially since I don’t really live out of my phone like the way most people do, and unless I get a second monitor on my desktop to constantly keep that program open, I am very much going to forget about said program. The second has to do with the low stake nature of digital apps. Digital anything by nature, is editable unless locked down, which is great, unless I’m using it to build a habit or do a task. There’s nothing stopping me from deleting a habit, or changing the proverbial goal post on a task in those apps.

It’s the reason why journaling has become such a lifesaver for me. The moment I put down a task, or a habit tracker, I am committing to that thing, and I can’t remove it. It doesn’t always mean I complete that thing, but I am far more aware of it, and far more likely to complete that thing. It’s why my place has been cleaner in the past 8 months than the whole time I’ve lived here. And honestly, it’s satisfying. It’s satisfying to go back through a month and see what I’ve done, and how much of it was done in any given month. 

And yet, I did end up investing in a productivity software a few weeks ago called Spirit City: Lofi Sessions. In part because I was curious, this type of software that allows you to earn points to dress up an avatar and decorate your room has risen in popularity. It has very pretty graphics and a magical theme, so I wanted to see what it was about. While I don’t use a lot of features in the game, I already have a physical habit tracker, and a place to journal, the software accidentally helped me in a different way.

I like writing to lofi music. I don’t know if it’s my age, or if I’ve always been like this and just deluded myself as a young person, but I find writing to music that has words very difficult. It is very hard for me to organize my thoughts to write, as I find my brain is battling against the lyrics of the music I’m listening to. Complicating the matters is the fact I do technically have some form of maladaptive daydreaming (there’s some research suggesting this can be part of ADHD). In my case, music is often the trigger for those daydreams, which is fine when you need to entertain yourself in a hospital wait room for a few hours, but not fine when you’re trying to get writing done. Now normally, the solution would be just to write in silence, but I can’t. I find it very hard to work in silence.

So I often used Youtube to find lofi music. Over the years I have a few favourite places to go to. If I need something for just an hour or two, I love the Mighty Vibes Vol 2 mix from the Critical Role gang. If I need something longer I try looking for something Aesthetic Lofi because I also really like rain sounds in my background. The problem with this though, is when I go into Youtube, Youtube will show me all the shiny videos from creators I like or things I’m currently into. Like a magpie seeing a shiny object, I will get distracted and go look at the shiny videos. 

Spirit City takes that problem out of my hands. My steam homepage will always show me the last applications I’ve accessed, which would be Spirit City for the amount of times I opened it. The moment I open it, it automatically opens the default music and it’s only a few quick clicks to add the background sounds I like. As a result the amount of distractions is kept to a minimum. I have the music I need, and I can just get to work.

As an aside, I also use the pomodoro timer in this software. By setting it to 15 or 30 minute intervals it lets me know how much time has passed and the ding often reminds me I’m in the middle of doing something if I have lost focus. The kind of use I’ve gotten out of this software is very surprising to me.

[elsiebrayisgay]

For the ask game: 3, 16 and 17 😊

um yeah! 3. Describe the creative process of writing a chapter/fic so this has changed a lot since i started writing prose, tbh, but there are some hallmarks of my process that have stayed the same. the absolute first thing that has always remained true whether it's been more academic, poetry (which is what i did for my degree,) TTRPG stuff, or now prose fanfic, is that no matter what no matter where no matter when if i have an idea i do my best to write it down. i have lost too many good ideas to not being sure what i had thought up and being certain i'd remember it. so often when i am laying in bed drifting off to sleep and thinking about my work, i will grumble and sit up and unlock my laptop to type out some notes.

another thing that was true for a while and still holds up somewhat today (with caveats) is that when i get inspired by something, i *write*. the first chapter of sourceless bruises was written in one evening after i got home from being out at dinner. i'd had vague concepts and ideas floating around for months before then but when it finally hit me i just sat down and wrote. this doesn't really happen as much anymore because even though i have the inspiration and the hyperfixation, i just don't have the energy to be up and in such high gear for so long, so i need to break it up more. this was true of my poetry and essays for school as well, though; i would just sit down start turning work out when i wanted or needed to.

16. How many fic ideas are you nurturing right now? Share one of them?

alright so i've been kind of trying to figure out what i want to write after sourceless bruises. i took kind of a long break between my first fic and my second fic (more of these queer feelings... it's probably nothing on ao3) because i was just sort of waiting to have an idea i felt really solid about working on and that's how long it took. partially because sourceless bruises is a bigger project and is taking longer, these days i have a lot more ideas for what to work on next kicking around. none of them are really formed into anything super cogent, because i pretty strictly keep myself to one involved/long-term creative project at a time. however, things i have been interested in developing once i have wrapped up sourceless bruises in no particular order:

i have a draft started for a sequel to more of these queer feelings. it's mostly outlined, but i hadn't really gotten far into the drafting process.

korrasami modern au. this kind of setting adaptation is my bread and butter, if you couldn't tell. i posted a joke about this sort of idea on tumblr a while back but it actually got a lot more traction than i was expecting and so honestly i'm thinking about putting some more work in on it.

cait/vi (vilyn?) has been really interesting to me recently. i dunno, something about those girls. so i've been thinking about early stages of what i might want to do with them, whether to give them my normal au treatment or try something else.

i have also been working a bit on a premise for some original fiction. i will only say at this point that it will be horror/mystery and probably be a fair bit bleaker than what i tend to write for ao3 (though honestly i have no idea how i would go about publishing original fiction.)

17. What do you do when writing becomes difficult? (maybe a lack of inspiration or writers block)

okay so at this point it's time to circle back to the first answer in this post because honestly the truth of how i go about writing chapters these days falls a lot more under this question than that more general one. the first thing i'm going to say is that in my opinion, writing is labor. there's an old interview with john darnielle and john k. samson (among others) where JD talks about how there's no such thing as convenience store clerk block, or coal miner's block, so writers shouldn't get blocked—they should just keep sitting down to write, and to some extent i believe in that idea, but i want to add nuance. i think there probably is such a thing as convenience store clerk block, and coal miner's block, it's just that society doesn't allow or expect them to take breaks, or go on sabbatical or whatever. so they end up working through, and maybe burning out. i think that labor is something that any person, in any field, needs to take at their own personal sustainable pace. it's really easy, as a writer, to compare yourself to others. word counts on ao3, stories published, etc. but i think it's very important to listen to your mind and body about what you need as a creative person and also just as a person. if you've got nothing right now, i think it is important to try allowing your mind to simply lie fallow. there's that post about mental crop rotation, and about letting your mind have time where it isn't expected to turn out anything that needs to get put on a page. i think respecting that need is pretty important. this philosophy is how i've been going about writing since i got out of school.

this ties into the actual difficulty i've mostly been having with sourceless bruises. around late 2022/early 2023 i had some life circumstances cause my chronic illness to get a lot more severe, from which i have never fully recovered. this has meant that my pain is a lot worse, and my energy levels are a lot lower. what i used to be able to do with turning out thousands of words a day when i was really inspired happens only very rarely now, when those moments line up with my good days. there's another post on here (somewhere in my reblogs) talking about what to do as a fic writer when your capabilities change, and a lot of the advice on that post has stuck with me. accepting my limits and working within them has definitely meant that my process is a lot slower, especially during flares (and once the weather warms up in the spring i am mostly stuck in one big flare until fall) but it also means that i get to maintain the quality of what i produce and my own quality of life. in these periods, i mostly just try to carve out a bit of time every day when i am able to sit up, usually only fifteen or twenty minutes or so, to peck away at my draft. i sit down, get a paragraph or two dealt with, maybe look at a bit of research, maybe not, and at the end of it i have maybe two hundred more words than i did before. some days, i don't even feel up to this. sometimes i go a week without doing it. but i try to just carve out some time when i can to peck away and eventually i end up with a finished chapter. that's really what my creative process looks like these days.

[frizzy-frizz-frizz]

I wanted to copy and paste my fave bits of what you said about kevjean but all of its amazing and I love it "kevin and jean are so intrinsically tied together, they know each other first and foremost." Kill me now jesus christ "kevin had to leave and jean couldnt." Literally just stab me in the chest "that is where the song ends almost as abruptly as the books" im screaming???? I literally did not think of this but you're so right oh my god let me go listen to this song again right now

"Also is it just me or does it feel like neil josten, 'demisexual who never really understood his own attraction' is listening to this while making a kevin day binder on the run" you've honest to god read my mind that's exactly what I'm associating when I listen to the song. His obsession and jealously and the binder and if one of them had to make it he wanted it to be kevin. Also "I can't dare to dream about you anymore" him on the run for sure but also when both of them thought neil was going to be dead by the end of the year

"oh to be a random exy fan in the aftg universe." Honestly the edits ppl would make would be incredible

"NEIL REMEMBERING WHAT KEVIN WAS LIKE AS A KID" BABE YOU GET ME THIS IS SO IT "known for who you know, you know you'll always know me" kevin being the one thing from his past that he wanted to keep that he was still attached to. Also the song reminds of the name of the game by dayurno (it killed and revived me) and Neil just watching Kevin's game in chapter 2 and just fucking marvelling over him

BELIEVE?? The way he has so much faith in Neil and Andrew the way he sees so much potential in them and insists on dragging it out

THROUGH THE GHOST?? "ITS SO KEVIN" You're so right tho the world will never know him like he knows himself him looking at his past self not being able to recognise himself anymore it's all so good

Also I know I said I've never considered nothing new with him in mind but now that I have him in mind it's just "HOW DOES A PERSON KNOW EVERYTHING AT 18 BUT NOTHING AT 22" ALSKSK "WOULD YOU STILL LOVE ME IF I WAS NOTHING NEW???" MY GOD

I adore him to primadonna I've always thought the song was so him and I'm glad for the agreement "all I wanted was the world" "the rise the fall" "you say that I'm kinda difficult" "I know I've got a big ego I really don't know why it's such a big deal though" LIKE HELLO IT WORKS SO WELL

ALSO I NEED YOUR THOUGHTS ON MY TEARS RICHOCHET "And I can go anywhere I want Anywhere I want, just not home" Kevin directly after leaving the nest??? Or directly after joing it "And you're the hero flying around, saving face" the ravens pretending it was a skiing accident??? "You turned into your worst fears" Honestly there are a couple of ppl that could be referring to

TEEN IDLE "The pretty lies the ugly truth And the day has come where I have died Only to find I've come alive" him leaving the nest thinking his life was over to everything that came after

You'd be paranoid too is a song I've literally never heard of but jesus christ "I learned to live with these eyes in my closet Hands in my pockets Alone but surrounded" growing up famous?? In the nest?? ALONE BUT SURROUNDED???

Overwhelmed is literally every anxiety/panic attack scene from the books and I lost a friend kinda makes me think its about him towards riko in like a very "how did I lose a friend I never had"

God this is probably longer than the first message I'm so sorry its gotten out of hand but unfortunately I'm not done

My brain fucking perked up when it heard my alcoholic friends I have no idea why is sounds so familiar but its such a great rec I'm obsessed it fits and it's such a fun song to bop to for some reason

I'm obsessed with willow as a kandrew song kevin is so "They count me out time and time again" and "I come back stronger than a 90s trend"  "Rough on the surface but you cut through like a knife" HELLO "I'll meet you after dark" night practice??? "Show me the places where the others gave you scars" That one fucking scene where Andrew takes his left hand and checks it over I can't deal

This is me trying is so very very Kevin it's hard to just pick a singular line. ALSO Liquid Smooth LIQUID SMOOTH

Anyway I think this is longer than the last ask lmao

i dont mind at all that this is longer than the first message. in fact i am ECSTATIC. im so glad you're liking the playlist, its the BEST feeling

the kevjean dynamic has me in a chokehold i cant stop thinking about them. i feel so validated rn FINALLY someone gets my attachment to that song

"Also "I can't dare to dream about you anymore" him on the run for sure but also when both of them thought neil was going to be dead by the end of the year" GOD and when he looks at kevin that night, kevin who wanted to give him everything the world has to offer and, "will you still teach me?" "Every night" i am DECEASED. THIS SONG. IT MAKES ME THINK OF THAT SCENE AGAIN

SAME dororthea and liability and lost remind me so much of 'the name of the game'...i should reread it again...

believe hit so close to my heart AND YEAH YOU GET IT. kevin's unflinching faith and trust in those two always astounds me. he's the kind of person who just see right through you. past the words and pretensess, right down to your core. just looks at you and sees everythinig you are. everything you could be. and THEN he tells you that you can make it. that you can do it all. he puts the world and all it offers within your reach for the first time and- OF COURSE andrew and neil are obsessed with him. and, no one had ever told them they were worth it before. these three will be the end of me i swear.

"LORD WHAT WILL BECOEM OF ME ONCE IVE LOST MY NOVELTY" YES YES EXACTLY. it so perfect. even the AGES are right.

YES my alcoholic friend s sounds so familiar and i think its cause it sounds like a marina song?? somehow?? but mostly i added it cause of the last verse, "Should I choose a noble occupation? If I did I'd only show up late and sick,

"And they would stare at me with hatred Plus my only natural talent's wasted on my alcoholic friends"

KEVIN FEELING LIKE HE'S TIED TO EXY LIKE. he will keep going back to exy. even if he got to choose to do something else, showing up late and sick, his natural talents only on display on a court.

"ALL I EVER WANTED WAS THE WORLD" YES THANK YOU its works so so well

disclaimer: you might not agree with me at all about my tears ricochet and that's totally fine, my interpretation is VERY self indulgement.

hear me out, i associate my tears ricochet with post-baltimore kandrew. specifically the fallout and the arguments and guilt and pain that followed. because not only does andrew have to earn back kevin's trust, they both have to rebuild their relationship from the ground up. SO imagine my tears ricochet as that process

"I didnt have it in myself to go with grace, cause when id fight you used to tell me i was brave" kevin is all caustic, brutal honesty. he would hurt, and he wouldn't soften the blow. but he'll always come back

"Cursing my name, wishing I stayed, you turned into your worst fears" I FIRMLY believe andrew has had some horrible horrible thoughts about being like every person who's hurt kevin. of kevin being afraid of him. he would throw all of himself into

"We gather stones, never knowing what they'll mean. Some to throw, some to make a diamond ring" kevin and andrew know each other all too well. they're the only ones who can truly push each other. remember when kevin walked intllo court with a raquet in his right hand and andrew was right behind him?? When kevin made andrew TRY for the sake of it?? ('UNSTOPPABLE FORCE VS IMMOVABLE OBJECT' DYNAMIC MY DARLING)

"And you can aim for my heart, go for blood,but you would still miss me in your bones" You think after calmed down from the fear of losing neil he'd see those bruises on Kevin's throat and NOT panic?? That the thought of losing kevin wouldn't send him into a full blown panic? Bullshit. and KEVIN who after it all keeps choosing andrew, who keeps putting faith in him, WOULDN'T keep trying to rebuild?? listen those two are practically melded together okay

"and I still talk to you (when im screaming at the sky)" ANDREW ON THE ROOF

"You had to kill me, but it killed you just the same" IM SOBBING THESE TWO THEY END ME I WILL NEVER STOP TALKING ABOUT THEM

I HAVE MORE KANDREW SONGS THAT I HAVENT ADDED YET BUT I WILL

I have so many kandrew songs

I think of them too often

To be honest, I associate 'I lost a friend' to kevin and jean. specifically kevin thinking about jean and all the emotions that come with. this is, once again, about kevin running away to the foxes and jean being at the nest. BUT for extra sad you can remember all the drafts nora wrote where Jean died.

ALSO I like you thoughts on the song being about kevin and riko. riko who he was friends with once, when they were very young. who promised him they'd make court together. who got worse and worse until, soon enough, there might as well have been no trace of the boy who was kevin's friend

WILLOW KILLED ME ITS SO THEM YOU'RE SO RIGHT

"Wherever you stray, ill follow, begging for you to take my hand, wreck my plans" not kevin and andrew barging into each other lives and refusing to let the sink, stubbornly staying afloat and lifting each other up. utterly craving each others plans and expectations of the future. Andrew digging his heels into the ground and yet following Kevin and he promises andrew the world and them drags him towards it

"Life was a willow and it bent right to your wind" and "Like you were a trophy or a champion ring, and there was one prize I'd cheat to win" ANDREW ABOUT KEVIN who pushes and pushes and constantly gives all he has and demands the best

"Wait for the signal and I'll meet you after dark, show me the places where the others gave you scars" Just. THEM. IM SOBBING

more kandrew recs:

Silence by marshmello, Im not okay by weathers, 505 by arctic monkeys, I am not a robot by marina, (twin sized mattress and lost are already on the playlist), and MOST IMPORTANTLY,

wolves without teeth by monsters and men THIS SONG IS SO. THEY ARE SO. its perfect to me.

[sebastianshaw]

I have a Penguin mini-series called “Pain & Prejudice” somewhere. In it, a man commits a casual slight against Penguin, insulting him when he bumps into him on the street before, in horror, he realizes who it is and apologizes profusely. The Penguin laughs and tells him not to worry. But then oddly, the man finds himself fired at his job for embezzlement, his apartment burns down, his parents die in a very mysterious car crash, and a seemingly random person accosts his girlfriend on the street and injects her with something that doesn’t get specified but medicine hasn’t caught up to yet. All this goes to show just how cruel and petty the Penguin is, and just how much influence and power he has in Gotham. And I was thinking, it’s stated pretty often (though really not shown well bc I think writers often don’t know HOW) that Shaw has far greater influence, that the Hellfire Club has this on a global scale, that Shaw in particular can reach “princes, presidents, and popes” And again, not often demonstrated because you can’t punch that away, but we’re told he has it and I don’t doubt that. I think the reason we don’t see stories like this from Shaw is simply that he isn’t that petty. Penguin is portrayed as horrifically insecure and needing the love and approval, even if it must be bribed or forced, from all those around him, and punishing any deviation from that due to his trauma from bullying and abuse. Shaw very fucking blatantly doesn’t give a shit, there are multiple instances where he’s just “yeah I’m fucking asshole what about it” One of the few good moments he got in the Krakoa era was in a N.ew M.utants issue by Ed B.risson where a cartel leader calls him a swear and Shaw’s response is simply “That I am.” Which is not to say Shaw is a pushover—perish the thought!---but that he’s learned that the only opinion and approval that matters is his own. I say “learned” because we do learn in the backstory with L’s death that this wasn’t always the case. He’s horrified to learn of Ned’s betrayal, despite having been warned by L and T.essa, and concludes verbally that he let his own need for acceptance blind him to the truth all around him. So, at this point in his life, he did care about the opinions of others—namely, the uber rich, amidst whose ranks he had just been accepted, which makes sense—and it cost him the most important person in his life. Between that and the fact he clearly became more and more of An Absolute Bastard Man since that, one who is TEXTUALLY stated to no longer let himself be vulnerable to others and “handled relationships like chess games” out of the expectation he will always be betrayed, it’s no wonder to me he would stop giving a fuck what anyone things. Which is a cool way to be, don’t get me wrong, wish I was like that, but also isn’t coming from a place any less traumatic than Oswald’s, it just goes the other way because of different circumstances. And the point of this rant isn’t “Shaw is Better than Penguin bc Shaw isn’t petty” it absolutely is not. I actually LOVE Pengy, that’s why I own that miniseries! It’s just, it is often DIFFICULT to a play a muse with the power and reach that Shaw has, and not use it to godmod a whole bunch of terrible shit happening to other people’s characters who piss him off (which a lot do, that is the personal mission of more than one muse I write with!) like the Penguin does to that dude. Because like. . .I don’t want to do that, firstly it’s bad RP etiquette and second it would limit the characters I could keep interacting with. But Shaw is an incredibly powerful guy who very much could make life miserable (or over) for like…honestly, almost anyone he wanted. So it helps that I can just go “well he actively doesn’t give enough of a shit, you’re not worth the time to him that it would take to make those arrangements” But I am 1000% sure he could. (also: in the spirit of fairness to Pengy, he’s shown to be JUST as disproportionate in REWARDING genuine kindness shown to him and those he cares for as he is in punishing unkindness. For instance, when he sees the nurse who cared for his elderly mother is genuinely crying at his beloved mother’s death, he ensures she’s set for life. So his pettiness, ruthless and cruel as it is, also has equally generous aspects. Love that complexity!)

[theboardwalkbody]

Tentatively Titled: Bear With Me Fandom: The Bear Authors Notes: Below the cut is the first half of a chapter for a The Bear fic I had started. I planned on finishing this chapter but I am feeling sick so I can't concentrate but I wanted to have this out there before s2 blows it all out of the water. It is inspired by a tiktok clip of another restaurant-based movie I can't remember the name of at the moment.

Right now it is written as 'You' and not OC but I was considering changing that to flesh them out more instead of needing to keep things vague (I dont feel it sits right to give You-characters any details if they're supposed to be for any and all readers). So yeah - this 'You' has background info and details so thinking about naming them later.

Its also general/no-pairing in this part (again, its only half a chapter) but it is intended to become a fic with a main pairing with Carmy. (Honestly it was supposed to start in the second half of this chapter but I really dont feel good and the screen hurts to look at).

So anyway, enjoy this little snippet - if anyone wants more I'll see what I can do - but s2 may make me abandon idk lol

The Original Beef underwent renovations and re-opened as The Bear. Among the changes instituted by Carmen Berzatto was the addition of a larger dining room which opened up a couple positions for servers. Having decided to go back to college you needed a part-time job in order to be able to keep up with your car payments, online streaming subscriptions, and other pesky things like groceries and rent after having to leave your full-time position due to lack of flexibility. After a month of being denied from over a dozen places you put your application in to this recently renovated restaurant across town expecting to be denied like the others, but to your surprise, you were called back within the day. So you began making the thirty-five minute commute from your place to work four times a week. The work was as expected: wait tables, clean up, help answer phones, take payments; five star customer service. What wasn't expected was the atmosphere.

You've worked customer service and retail for a decade. You thought you had beaten your social anxiety, at least enough to function at work, but it was proving difficult to manage lately. You tried lying to yourself; its just new job jitters, made worse by having been out of the customer service (at least in public) game for a couple years and instead sitting in a small cubicle reading over insurance claims. At least that's what you told them. In reality you were a vocational nurse for the last three years but you felt that if you put that on your resume you would be overlooked and you were too desperate to be without pay until someone would hire you. You knew the truth, however, behind the anxiety. It was the constant exposure to one of your worst triggers: Yelling. Specifically, men yelling. You were on edge constantly. Always wondering when the yelling would start - the kitchen staff often yelled to each other - and dreading the days when you worked the same shift as Richie. The manager was the worst offender, it was as if he only had one volume setting. Even when the yelling wasn't hostile it was still stressful. You would remain hypervigilant and tune in to hear every word from anywhere in the restaurant so you would be prepared if the yelling ever took on a aggressive tone, to be prepared if things ever became violent.

You stayed quiet for the most part. The rest of the staff started calling you "our very own kitchen mouse". That you didn't mind, you honestly thought it was pretty cute. The thing that did bother you, nearly constantly, was your damn stomach. The anxiety causing you to feel nauseous nearly every day. Add in to that feeling tired nearly all the time between classes, having work, and the fact that the anxiety on work nights would not let you sleep at all.

A month of this was taking its toll on you. You weren't sure how much longer you would be able to stay here.

It was a Friday night. It was busier than normal and there seemed to be a constant stream of incidents. A jammed receipt printer causing a customer to become short with you, a customer trying to call in to place a to-go order but the call being dropped multiple times until they eventually gave up but not before calling back one more time to blame the inconvenience on you, a customer knocking their glass off the table and you needing to clean it while not falling behind on your tables. You blamed it on the full moon.

"Order in for Table 4, Chefs," you announced, placing the order ticket in the line of others, and walking back out to check in on your other tables.

Walking back out to the dining room you were suddenly met with calls of 'hey waitress!' and snapping.

You rolled your eyes and groaned internally before turning towards the sound and plastering a smile on your face. Walking over to the table you asked, "Yes, sir, how can I help you?" "This is cold, I need you to take it off my bill," the man said.

You looked down at the plate - a pasta and meat dish that was very obviously nearly finished - and then back at the customer.

"I am sorry to hear that, sir. I can offer you a new plate, but I can not comp the meal. If it was unsatisfactory when you received it you should have let someone know, I can not take the meal off with it having been more than halfway eaten. I apologize," you explained. "What if I didn't eat it?" the man snapped. "I'm sorry, sir?" you weren't following. "I said - What if I didn't eat it? What if I am telling you that I threw the rest of it out and that is just what is left stuck to the plate." he countered. "Again, sir, I apologize but at this point I can not --"

The man began arguing. Obviously unhappy with you not giving in to his demands he started shouting and insulting you. You felt your face get hot with anxiety and your stomach was bad enough you felt like you were about to vomit. You started chewing on the inside of your cheek and your eyes stung as he called you names and belittled you. You were glued to the spot unable to muster up the courage to turn and walk away, worried it would make matters worse. The last straw was the man reaching across the table, grabbing your hand, and placing it in his dish of partially eaten food.

"Doesn't that feel cold to you? You incompetent bitch?" he yelled at you.

Trembling you pulled your hand out of the food and grabbed the dish. You picked it up and with a cracked voice replied, "sorry, sir, I'll take care of it," before turning and walking the dish back to the kitchen.

The tears stung your eyes and you tried not to blink, knowing if you did they would fall. You tried to remain professional. You were so lost in your own anxious thoughts that it was almost as if you could hear nothing as you walked to the kitchen.

'Your fault, your fault, your fault,' circled around in your head drowning out everything else.

You pushed the doors open and placed the dish down near the sink. You couldn't comp the meal, despite anything you said to the man to placate him. You figured you would pay for it yourself that way he would stop yelling and you wouldn't have to involve Carmen, who was currently acting as head chef and manager since Richie was running late. Something you had been grateful for up until now.

You were about to make your way to the restroom to wash the pasta sauce off your hands and wipe your eyes, thinking no one even noticed you come in to the kitchen at all, when you heard Carmen's voice call out,

"Why is she crying?"

You were pretty sure you were going to pass out. All eyes turned towards you now.

Manny was closest to you and now that he was paying attention he noticed how red and watery your eyes were and asked, "you okay, Mouse?" He caught a glimpse of the red sauce on your hand and mistook it for blood as he suddenly called out, "She's bleeding! Grab the first aid kit its bad!"

'Fuck,' you cursed in your head. The tears started flowing now. Being asked if you were okay was the surefire way to get the dam to burst no matter how hard you tried to keep it up.

"No! Not! I'm fine," you said, but your voice sounded anything but fine. "It's not blood!"

"What happened, mama?" Tina asked leaving her station to approach you. Her voice was sweet and caring, she gingerly took your red soaked hand in hers.

You stepped back and insisted, "It's just sauce. It's nothing, really, everything's OK, I just need a second." With that you turned to leave and pretend you were going to use the restroom but instead you wiped your hand on your dark jeans and snuck out of the restaurant and around the back to sneak back into the far end of the kitchen and sit in the freezer. The cold would help take away the burning feeling you felt and calm you down - something you learned during your several month position at a grocery store deli.

You ducked into the freezer and sat on a crate in the corner full of yet-to-be-unpacked food. You just needed a minute, you told yourself, then you would be back up and get back out there. You focused on taking deep breaths and wiped your eyes.

The freezer door opened after a few moments and you cursed yourself for hiding in here. You had no excuse for why you would need to be in here and evidently you took too long, you should have left already. You looked up and saw Carmen walk in and look around until he found what he was looking for - you. He walked up to you and crouched down across from you.

"What happened?" he asked, you could see his breath as he spoke. He crossed his arms over his chest, trying to keep off some of the cold. "I'm sorry, I just needed a second to cool down," you answered, your own breath dancing in the cold air. "That's fine, you can take as long as you need, just please tell me what's wrong," he assured. "It's so stupid," you admitted, but it made you start crying harder.

Carmen stayed quiet a moment, letting you catch your breath, but his silence allowed you to open up and explain what had happened. When you finished your retelling of the situation he stood, extended his hand which you accepted, and slowly guided you out of the freezer. Without a word he began to lead you out to the dining room as you wiped your face to dry it of the tears.

Crossing back through the kitchen you and him caught the attention of the rest of the crew. As you passed the front door Richie happened to walk in, finally making his appearance.

"Yo, Cuz, what's happening?" he asked, his voice already above casual speaking volume. Carmen ignored him and kept leading you.

Stopping at the edge of the dining room he dropped your hand. "Who?" he asked. "Please, forget it, Chef, I took care of it." you insisted. "Who?" he repeated. You could tell by the tone of his voice he wasn't in the mood to ask again so you pointed to the customer in question.

You watched as Carmen approached the customer who berated you. He pulled a chair over from the next table over and sat at the table where the aggressive customer was sitting with a group of other men, and began talking to him. You couldn't hear their conversation over the noise of a full dining room but you could tell that neither of the men were enjoying their conversation. Noticing the scene unfolding many other customers stopped in their conversations and turned their attention towards Carmen and the other man. The volume in the room dying down enough that you could now make out what was being said by Carmen. He stood now, and his voice raised to assert himself.

"Apologize to her." he said. The man at the table laughed heartily. "No, I have nothing to apologize for."

Carmen, unsatisfied with the man's response, gathered up the tablecloth until all the dishes and drinks were bundled up in a pile of cloth in the center of the table. "You can see yourself out." "Who do you think you are?" the man shouted, "go get me your manager." "I'm the fucking owner. Get out." Carmen asserted.

The man huffed but at the encouragement of his bewildered companions he rose, grabbed his suit jacket, and left. The dining room erupted in applause. Carmen turned back to look at you, and you, embarrassed but also very impressed by his actions, turned away from him. You saw Richie behind you, having watched the scene play out, and you could see the crew peaking their heads out from the kitchen as well. Carmen came up to you and said, "can you meet me in the office?"

Doing as he asked you walked away. You just barely caught him barking orders at the others, Richie to cover your tables, Sydney to take charge for a bit, and the others to get back to their stations.

[senstless]

Splinterlands BATTLE MAGE SECRETS featuring Back to Basics

Featuring Bronze League Summoner and Monsters in Action!

CHALLENGE RULES

RULESET: BACK TO BASICS

Description: Units lose all abilities.

Summoner effects are still active.

Reasons Why I like it It really changes which monsters are most useful. It becomes very difficult to balance the need for a decent amount of help to be absorbed by your opponent's attacks, well still having attacks that hit, and have enough damage to burn to your opponent. You don't have to worry about anything but speed differential, and potentially armor. This can make certain cards that are otherwise not nearly as useful much more useful and vice versa. Taking a car away that normally gives martyr or has healing might make the card not worth the mana cost anymore.

The Matchup - Where Rules Sets, Splinters and Mana Collide

The Rule Sets

Watch the Match Here

MANA: 16

Ruleset: Back to Basics: All monsters lose their abilities.

SPLINTERS: Fire, Water, Earth, Death

Initial Rule Set and Mana Gameplay Thoughts

Rulesets Anytime you play with back to basics it means that a large portion of cards are no longer favored. Anything with sneak, reach, or opportunity are out. Playing cards with snipe no longer have an impact as everything just targets the tank, and melee monsters in general are not favored outside of potentially the first tank.

Mana 16 mana is pretty low to start with, and then when you have a back to basics match it makes it extremely difficult. There is a typical blend to have between cards that might actually do some damage, and having enough health on the field to not get wiped out by your opponent. At 16 mana it won't be many cards that have a decent attack and decent health.

Splinters Only losing life dragon, so I don't see much impact. I'm anticipating it is to be a earth favored lineup although water with its additional speed and armor and also be used, and death is great to reduce your opponent's magic attack and take away one of their health. There's a decent argument to be made for all three if you have a full selection of cards

My Team

Summoner OBSIDIAN I chose to play heavy magic and just wanted to get as much damage out there as possible while hoping my opponent did not play death

First Position HILL GIANT One of my favorite three mana cards provide seven health for only three mana and even has an opportunity to attack if it lives long enough.

Second Position DJINN BILJKA

Honestly I think I messed my order up here. Should have played this one last and given the fact it only has two health and I think I messed up my order. Otherwise one magic with potential boost to two makes it a good card p for only three mana.

Third Position SPIRIT HOARDER Another three magic mana card that can get a boost to two even though it's health is very low

Fourth Position BLACKMOOR NYMPH Probably should have been my second position card but it's another romantic card with for health.

Opponent Lineup & Match Play

Summoner KELYA FRENDUL Water is a decent splinter and adding armor to every monster is great if your opponent is using me later arrows it can really keep you around for another round

TORRENT FIEND Looks to be just Cannon fighter to protect their offensive cards that are in the back

HARDY STONEFISH Another good card to absorb a couple of hits especially if I wasn't all magic focused

CHAOS AGENT Since there's no sneak or opportunity you might as well put all these cards up front to leave Djinn Oshannus protected in the back

DJINN OSHANNUS Normally this devastating card would have void but since it loses that and now it's just a Ted health card with five speed and two magic damage

XENITH ARCHER

Solid play, adding a one range attack at the back never hurts and it might sneak a couple of extra damage points in against my low health cards

Round 1

Honestly pretty concerned has this lines up just given the total lack of health on any of my cards that are going to be doing magic damage. Overall I think we have similar Total health but it feels like I'm behind somehow.

As the round starts off, on the last to attack but I do secure three knockouts in a row. This changes things a little bit and leaves me dealing significantly more damage each round in my opponent for route 2

Round 2

If all of my monsters lived then I would have the potential health damage of eight damage this round. Unfortunately for me I will be attacking last and I lose Hill Giants before he get attacked, and then deliver my six magic damage against Djinn Oshannus.

Round 3

Things are looking okay I guess, I'm going to lose Djinn Bilka when around starts, and likely take another hit. But the good news is that I will knock out Djinn Oshannus this round and lock up the victory. It was really crucial for me to have more magic damage each round as a potential being delivered than to have one big monster with all of my attacks

Round 4

. Ground floor starts but it's lopsided, they don't have any attacking cards and I quickly knock them out for the victory.

Round 5

Thoughts -

This is a good showcase of not putting all of your eggs in one basket. At times it's easy to have too many small cards out there that can get overpowered by a dominating epicure legendary card supported by summoner. When you play back to basics much of that traditional powerhouse lineup goes away and things become much more about volume. Choosing to play three or four small magic attacking cards increased my total potential damage dealt each round to a level that cut through their team too quickly. Dealing six to eight magic damage health for round means that any card they can put in the field was just too vulnerable to my total attack, and they did not have enough attacks to get through my health and eliminate them first.

Back to basic matches are basically a race against health, this is why you typically see people stack as much health as a can up front while protecting your heavy hitters in the back. My opponent likely would have been fitted much more from having even a 2 minute not attacking card in front of Djinn Oshannus that would have made their Total health too high for me to overcome. Back to basic games are as much about stacking health as they are stacking damage. Spreading your attacks and damage out also allows you to continue to dwindle your opponent as your team starts to be eliminated

~~@senstless

[glitterbabies]

things I would never say to you; I’m doing this because apparently there’s an eclipse happening today and it’s good to write a letter about my pain and let it go.

you will never see this, but it’s okay. (♡︎)

the past few months have been a really difficult time of my life: leaving a job that was all I had known for the past 2 years, realising I can no longer hit my career/monetary goal, and worst of all, the fights that keep happening between us. I truly thought you were the one, for once in my life. I wanted to marry you. I told my friends too, which I never once did with anyone else. but now, look where we’re at. You’ve changed so much, I don’t know if the you I met at first was real or was it just my delusion. I think it was a dream. I can’t believe I thought you’d always care for me, see me, understand me in a way no one else did. I thought you were special; I always thought that we would end up together forever, not anymore. I love you, I will always do, and I wish that you’d end up with someone much happier, and better than I can ever be. I’m sorry I have failed you in many ways, and triggered you with the things I do. I want you to know that you’re all the I ever want, you’re all that I think about, every notification I get now I wish it was from you. Checking my phone all the time, secretly hoping I see your name again. I love you so much I want to die. It kills me inside thinking about other girls you’ve liked online, irl. I compare myself with them everyday. I try so hard to be pretty enough, for you to love me more. but I guess it didn’t work. Am I overreacting? because we’re still together, but at some point I already knew it’s over. You’ve changed so much, It makes me sick thinking that you’re treating me like one of ur exes. I just feel like a waste of space. You’re probably enjoying with your friends now, playing games, while I’m here crying in my room every single day. I cried so much you don’t even know, but you don’t even care so it’s fine. I realized I am truly alone in this world with nobody. And I feel so ugly I wish I was dead everyday. But it’s fine; it really is. All this love had not gone to waste because it made me learn something about how to live my life. I don’t think I would ever believe in relationships ever again. Not love because I know love exists, it just doesn’t ever last. I am just going to focus on myself now, and stop trying to save something that is doomed. Thank you for showing me what love is for the short few months we’re together, I will never forget you and I will always love you. Honestly, the thought of being with other guys, it disgusts me, anyone that is not you I can’t imagine being with them. I am never gonna give myself up again for anyone to else, I am just gonna be alone. I can try to be happy on my own. And lastly, I want so badly for you to be happy, even if it’s without me. I want you to succeed in life, be much happier than you are now and to find someone you truly love and I hope she treats you and your family well. You deserve someone better and I know that you’d find happiness and success in your life. 🤍

[wyverncult]

copying u. 001 matel gear 002 otasune or whoever else u want to talk about. 003 SNAKE !! or strangelove <3

this took so long to do

METAL GEAR

001 | Send me a fandom and I will tell you my:

Favorite character: basic as hell i love SOLID SNAKE though, i love his writing soo much. i also like miller strangelove & otacon. shoutout to amanda for being the only helpful bitch in all of PW though & mantis for looking like that

Least Favorite character: ROSEMARY. sorry. their relationship in 2 made me feel insane

5 Favorite ships (canon or non-canon): IM BASIC... otasune, bbkaz, strangeboss. not favs but i also like fox/gustava & maybe bosselot

Character I find most attractive: genuinely this is hard. probably big mama she's cool as fuck

Character I would marry: raiden should ditch rose and get with a man like me. i don't want to marry him i just think i could treat him better

Character I would be best friends with: let's be real it's probably otacon

A random thought: ^ spent 3 minutes wondering about otacon's love for anime and whether he really liked it or if it was a thing fandom took and ran. i think he does like anime i just also think the whole terrorism thing took over his life for a minute

An unpopular opinion: i dont think rising is bad but i dont think its a masterpiece either. i think its moral is just currently relevant rn 👍

My Canon OTP: strangeboss OF COURSE

My Non-canon OTP: otasune & bbkaz ofc. bbkaz is dubiously canon though so... Schrödinger's canoninity

Most Badass Character: PROBABLY EVA she's just off the shits 99% of the time honestly

Most Epic Villain: i'll be honest even though she didn't get much screentime the boss is the most iconic & her battle was difficult. also made me cry

Pairing I am not a fan of: ......snox, so sorry LOL

Character I feel the writers screwed up (in one way or another): MGS4 NAOMI. FUCK.

Favourite Friendship: otasune 100% no matter whether what they intended was platonic or romantic i love their partnership the most

Character I most identify with: i mean ill use miller as my icon but i do not identify with or agree with him at all LMAO

Character I wish I could be: UM. NONE. HELP. i WOULD dress like mantis in a heartbeat though.

OTASUNE

002 | Send me a ship and I will tell you:

When I started shipping them: i'd heard about them beforehand but i didnt know who they were until i started playing the game. probably when i got to the Do you think love can bloom? line i was like. was that necessary LOL and thats about when it cemented

My thoughts: GRRR they compliment the other so well. also they seem like pretty bad parents in 4 but i wanted to see more of that and whether it was just everything coming to a crux

What makes me happy about them: i just really appreciate the amount of trust one puts into the other & keeping the one's life in the other's hands. sooo good.

What makes me sad about them: all of mgs4 GRR. i love it it just makes me sad

Things done in fanfic that annoys me: wish there was more than just fluff or philanthropy-era fics

Things I look for in fanfic: post mgs2-era & longer or more seriously-toned fics :]

My wishlist: i wish we got to see between mgs2 and mgs4! that & i wish we got to see more of sunny, maybe in side content, or see otacon post-mgs4 (mgs4 novel is written in past tense but it doesn't exactly count). also someone drew concepts of a co-op game with otacon and snake and i need that in my life

Who I’d be comfortable them ending up with, if not each other: Mmmmmmm. no clue. i ship snake with weasel sort-of jokingly LMAO

My happily ever after for them: CAMPBELL CAN LEAVE THEM TF ALONE SO THEY CAN STOP BEING TERRORISTS 👍

SOLID SNAKE

003 | Give me a character & I will tell you:

How I feel about this character: HES MY BEST FRIEND HES AWFUL AND I LOVE HIM

Any/all the people I ship romantically with this character: see above ^ otacon & to an extent weasel

My favorite non-romantic relationship for this character: OOH. i love his seniorship to raiden & of course i have to mention sunny. thinking about his relationship (or lack of) to big boss and liquid also makes me feel insane though

My unpopular opinion about this character: none off the top of my head!

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon: normally id want them to put the main protagonist to rest but I'll be honest i DO want another game with snake. that or books about things we havent seen happen. a book written from his pov would be really interesting

Favorite friendship for this character: YOU ALREADY KNOW IT !!! otacon is his lover and best friend

My crossover ship: i don't do crossovers, can't think of any!

STRANGELOVE

003 | Give me a character & I will tell you:

How I feel about this character: SHE MAKES ME REALLY SAD id really like to see more of her. ellie you and me lets listen to her tapes sometime i haven't finished them

Any/all the people I ship romantically with this character: need you ask

My favorite non-romantic relationship for this character: we didn't really see much of it but her relationship with big boss is extremely interesting just by association of the woman they both lost

My unpopular opinion about this character: i can't believe this is an unpopular opinion.. she's a lesbian 🤯 Also i think that her having a child w huey is fucked up on her part but also extremely funny. sorry you got involved strangelove

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon: UGH. we should've seen more of her. shes such a background character it is genuinely sad

Favorite friendship for this character: ... this girl has friends? so sorry..

[pies-writes-and-more]

haikyuu boys as expecting fathers

characters: TimeSkip!Tsukishima Kei, Bokuto Kōtarō, & Ushijima Wakatoshi, all with a Fem!Pregnant!Reader

warnings: pregnant reader and mentions of having a baby so pls be mindful if this makes you dysphoric or if you’re not in a good headspace for it. But otherwise, it’s all fluff so I hope it makes you guys smile!

a/n: everyone around me irl is having babies so here is the result of that LOL i love cute stories about expecting families and shit. All of these are obviously with TimeSkip! characters! And none of the following gifs are mine so credits to the original creators! Hope you guys like it :) 

haikyuu masterlist

Tsukishima loves to tease the shit out of you, and that hasn’t really changed since you started getting bigger. But now, he’ll hide your cravings in the top shelves of the pantry so you have to make him come get it. He can’t help it, it’s that angry pouty look in your eyes - he’s so in love with you, even when you look like you’re about to murder him.

But despite him hiding everything you could possibly crave, he is an absolute sweetheart. He calls his mom every now and then to update her about you and the baby, probably asks about what she liked when she was pregnant. She tells him stories about liking to read to him and his brother, or how she enjoyed a nice bath if she was particularly sore that day. She even joked that she found it really hard to put her shoes on so typically she just wore slippers or easy to slip on shoes.

Cut to the next day, you wake up to Tsukishima reading a book of dinosaur facts to your belly. He’s not so much reading it as he is disputing and/or explaining further the facts that are written in it. He doesn’t notice you wake up while he waves away the book and states, “It’s fine. When you’re here, I’ll just bring you to my museum and I’ll show you in person. I can sneak you out of daycare, just don’t tell your mom.”

You had hoped to be able to keep your independence for longer than this, but found yourself struggling to properly put on your shoes. You huffed, muttering something to your unborn kid about how you’d hold this over their heads forever, and just waddled about with the backs of your shoes folded under your heel. Tsukishima raised an eyebrow as he noticed, waiting for you to sit down in the car before holding the door open and bending down to properly put your shoes on.

“Kei, what’re you doing?” You laughed, watching him swiftly tie up your laces. “They’re fine, they’re old shoes anyways.”

“If you wear your shoes like that, you’ll fall and hurt yourself,” he shrugged. “I can’t have you hurting the little Tsukishima just because you can’t put your shoes on.”

His expression was the same plain emotionless face as usual, but you smiled anyways because here he was, kneeling in front of you and helping you with what is supposed to be a simple task.

The day went on as usual, but you definitely weren’t prepared for your husband to call you into the bathroom and display the little bath he had drawn you with your favourite candle lit.

“Did you do something?” You asked him with narrow eyes, making him scoff.

He rolled his eyes, helping you out of your clothes gently, “Am I really such a bad husband that you think I’d have to be feeling guilty to be nice to you?”

You thought about it for a moment before nodding playfully, “Yup. So what did you do?” You laugh and he just flicks your forehead before helping you into the tub.

You watch as he smirks a bit, holding your chin for a second and watching your eyes, “Well I’m the reason you got knocked up so I supposed I have to take care of you don’t I?”

He doesn’t hold that sultry teasing look on his face for too long, especially when you splash him with water, drenching every part of him you could reach 😂.

Bokuto is in a PANIC the closer you get to the due date. You once just felt a bit tired after vacuuming and the boy thought you holding your front meant you were going into early labour.

“I’VE GOT THE CAR KEYS BUT I CAN’T FIND MY WALLET!!! BABE HAVE YOU SEEN NY WALLET? I CAN’T REMEMBER WHERE I PUT IT. OMG WHAT IF THEY WONT TAKE US IN. WHAT IF THERE ARE SO MANY BABIES BEING BORN WE CANT GET IN. I KNEW I SHOULD’VE TAKEN A CLASS ON BIRTHING BABIES!”

You let him run around because he honestly is so entertaining to watch while panicking. He pouts about it later, talking shit about you to your belly, “Your mom’s a big meanie. You need to be born quick so we can team up on her okay?”

“Kōtarō! Don’t you dare try to turn my baby against me!” You laughed, swatting at his head.

Man is overly prepared for any sort of situation. He already set up all the safety baby measures, like corner cushions and outlet covers, though now he’s considering locking up all the knives into a cupboard.

“Kōtarō... how am are supposed to cook like this?” You asked, raising an eyebrow at the lack of your sharp cooking knives.. and the butter knives.

The grown man just poured some more, “I gotta keep both my babies safe alright? I’ll cut everything for you so you don’t cut yourself.”

Except for the fact that Bokuto is definitely more accident prone than you are and has a few bandaids on his fingers now.

As an expecting dad, Bokuto found himself getting more and more teary eyed at any situation that involved a family or a baby. Whether that was just seeing kids and families play in the park that the two of you walked past sometimes, or seeing a commercial for diapers with happy bouncy babies, you would turn to see a misty-eyed Bokuto who would then turn to you and wrap you in a tight squeeze.

He was beyond excited at this point to meet your little baby - he wanted to know what they would look like. The perfect mix between the most perfect woman in the world and him, who was pretty cool thank you very much. This baby was going to be the cutest most amazing kid ever, who would definitely play a really great game of volleyball, Bokuto was sure of it.

Let’s be honest though, pregnancy is not an easy journey. Bokuto loved seeing you grow the baby but he knew that it was a difficult process for you. You were always sore and at the beginning you were always sick. And there were some days where you literally didn’t feel attractive or beautiful at all, but Bokuto would praise you as high as he always did regardless.

“You are the most perfect lady I have ever laid eyes on. The most gorgeous being to ever walk this universe!” He told you one day, pressing kisses all over your face as you laid across a couch.

“Thanks,” you tried to give him a smile - you always appreciated his compliments, even if you didn’t necessarily agree.

“What’s wrong?” He asked you with a small frown, noting your forced smile.

“I just… feel bleh. Not at all like how you’re saying I look,” you admitted with a small smile.

Bokuto’s eyes grew wide in shock, jumping over the couch to sit down on the floor next to you. He clasped your hands in his, pressing kissing to them gently as well. “I know you might not feel it… but I hope you know that I still think it. I don’t even have to force it. You’re the most beautiful girl I’ve ever met, and that hasn’t changed even though your body is changing a bit. I don’t need you to wear the most perfect makeup or the best dress for me to think you’re gorgeous. You’re perfect just laying here in my old sweats and I’m happy that I get to come home to see you like this every day,” he grinned, touching your cheek affectionately.

You loved this man. He was so sweet to you in every way possible. But sometimes…. sometimes his sweetness just went a little too overboard. You tried to insist to him that you were pregnant but that didn’t mean you couldn’t do anything. Man refuses to let you do anything for yourself. No lifting boxes, no lifting anything in fear that you might hurt your back.

“Kōtarō, it’s just my purse,” you tried to point out in a laugh, trying to reach it as he held it above your head.

“Nope! Not happening. What if you hurt yourself?”

“... with my purse?”

“Ya!”

“Kōtarō, I have to go shopping for food or we won’t have anything to eat. And baby needs to eat!”

“Well I’ll come with you then!”

“You’ve got practice!”

“It’s fine, I’ll tell them I’ll practice another time! My perfect wife and baby come first,” he’d grin at you and insist on opening all the doors as you two made your way to the car. You fall in love with this man more and more every day, even if he keeps stealing things from your hands.

Ushijima is a really nervous new dad, even if you can’t really tell from his stoic expression. He listens intently to all of the parenting advice people give, bought a few books about newborns, and has hundreds of tabs on his laptop of ranging topics from baby products people insist are necessary, mommy blogs about what is important to do when pregnant, and research that he doesn’t quite understand but feels is important nonetheless.

Ushijima isn’t necessarily a man of words all the time, so you were surprised to find that he started to talk a lot more after finding out that your child could hear him.

“You don’t have to play volleyball if you don’t want to,” he told them quietly one day while the two of you were on the couch. It came so out of the blue that you actually thought he was talking to you.

“Hm?”

“... do you think they’d want to play volleyball?” He asked you sheepishly, glancing at you with a shy expression.

You thought about it for a moment and slowly started to smile, “Well they’ll be attending every single one of your games so I’m sure they’ll be at least interested in learning!”

Ushijima nodded and you watched as a soft smile graced his face. You kept your eyes on him for just a moment longer, seeing a flicker of uncertainty on him.

“Wakatoshi, don’t you dare think for one second you’ll be a bad dad,” you warned him, poking his side and making him jump from surprised.

He stared at you for a moment, blinking, “You know what I’m thinking?”

“I know that you’ve been worried about being a good dad ever since I told you I was pregnant. I know that you’re nervous about being the kind of dad you always wanted to have growing up. I know because I’m terrified of being a good mom too,” you admitted with a nervous sort of smile, interlacing your fingers together. “We’ll be okay together though.”

Ushijima nodded and hummed softly, “We’ll have to take them to France.”

“France??”

“Satori wants to meet them too. He said he would make them chocolate.”

It wouldn’t just be the baby that Satori is constantly trying to spoil, but you as well. He sends over packages of his chocolate for you to try, grinning ear to ear when you call him for a catch-up call.

“Do you like them?” Tendō asked, and you could hear him humming to himself as he moved around a kitchen.

“I love them! But you’re going to make us fat if you keep sending them! They’re much too yummy for me to stop eating!” You laughed, eyes wandering to the kitchen where you knew you still had a few bits of his chocolate left.

“No no no no. I’m just trying to make sure your baby is a cute healthy plump baby! They’ll grow nice and strong!”

It always made you smile, knowing that all these people who loved your husband wanted to love you and the baby as well. Even Ushijima’s new teammates would come by and bring snacks or anything they thought might aid you in your pregnancy. Though, Kageyama wasn’t really sure what pregnant people or babies liked, so he just brought a whole bag of the milk boxes he liked.

“You’ve got to grow big and strong so that I can defeat you in volleyball one day. I can’t defeat your dad right now… cause he’s on my team. But I’ll defeat an Ushijima one day for sure,” he muttered to your belly with a fierce intensity in your eyes that made you laugh, making his ears turn red as he realized that you also heard him (Kageyama, the baby is attached to her, of course she heard you lol).

As it neared your due date, Ushijima prepared himself mentally every passing day. He wanted to be 110% ready so he went over your birthing plan mentally at least 10 times a day and reread over all the articles and information he had gathered over the months. He wanted to be the best father possible, but you insisted to him that you weren’t worried about this at all. After all, he was already the best husband you could ever have asked for.

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[agape-bakery]

ah, may i please request the brothers with an MC who was summoned without their glasses, but just? didnt say anything?? and after an absurd amount of time (like a month or two) they're just like "oh, yeah i need glasses i cant rlly see anything lmao"

with a GN or male mc please :)

thank you, have a wonderful day! -🐱

Me in about 3 years- This was pretty difficult to do so it took me so long to finish and it still ended up shorter than I wanted it to be, so sorry about that anon!

Would like to give a small reminder that this is not how the brothers would react canonically, especially for Belphie's scenario!

The Brothers with an MC who needs glasses

Lucifer

He thought you were making a poor attempt to be intimidating in the beginning by how hard you were squinting whenever you look around

He then thought that you needed glasses but by the way you didn't say anything, he assumed that was not the case

During the month, Lucifer is CONVINCED that you needed glasses

He's the Avatar of Pride but he's not that prideful about glasses....kind of-

After weeks of watching you rub your eyes and squint, he finally decided to ask if you needed glasses

Your eyes light up and you quickly nod and then go, "I actually forgot to told you I need glasses lol-"

....

WHAT

Lucifer would stare down at you with the most wide-eyed confused look he has ever given someone in his whole life

"MC, what do you mean you forgot?"

"I just forgot!"

Lucifer would take a long sigh before shaking his head, while he's exasperated, it's better late than never

Even if he acts annoyed, he'd still buy you some glasses as a gift

He now has more reasons to believe his gut, especially when it comes to you

Mammon

He most likely wears those sunglasses not because he thought it was cool but because his eyes are blurry from staring at his phone all the time-

As he was a demon, he didn't need to use it all the time

But when he saw you squinting, he was already in front of you with his hand up, smirking like he didn't experience the same thing in the past

"I saw you squinting, MC, how many fingers am I holding up?"

"Haha, real funny."

You completely forgot to tell him that you actually did need glasses and moved on with your day

The longer you did that, the more Mammon grew concerned, is this a habit??? Are you fucking with him just because he asked you how many fingers he was holding up??

When he finally confronted you after psyching himself in front of his mirror:

"MC, do you really need glasses??"

"Oh yeah, I was supposed to tell you that a month ago but I forgot."

"WHO FORGETS ABOUT NEEDING GLASSES? IT'S LITERALLY RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU-"

Don't worry, if you mention wanting the same glasses as his but with your prescription, Mammon would leave it aside to look for a matching pair-

Leviathan

This guy NEEDS the high prescription glasses with blue light filter 24/7

He stares at the screen all day, tell me he doesn't need it-

Anyway, he might have noticed that you need one in the beginning but didn't think too much of it and left it alone

He found out while he was playing a game with you and you weren't doing too good unless you lean closer/back

He doesn't mind carrying but while his eyes were focused on the screen, he asked if you were alright

You were his lover, after all, he didn't want you to get a headache or something because of him

You nod your head and tell him that it's because you need the glasses to fully see

As soon as the game was over, he was like, "Legit???" and couldn't believe his ears when you confirmed it

Dealing with glasses was difficult enough but he couldn't imagine playing while not wearing contacts or glasses

The day after that, you now have matching glasses with your boyfriend, now the both of you can act like the smart people in anime :D

Satan

Most likely wears reading glasses but that's it

He instantly knows that you need it because who squints like that?

But he doesn't have your medical files so he couldn't say for sure

It didn't hurt to ask though

"MC? Forgive me if this sounds offensive, but do you always squint like that?"

"Oh! I didn't tell you? I need glasses!"

"Have you not been wearing contacts or glasses this past month??"

"I forgot..."

Satan thinks of a solution, not wearing glasses when you need it, especially with bad vision might further harm the eyes so he tags along with you to get one

Frankly, he doesn't mind if his lover has glasses, he thinks it's endearing!

Asmodeus

Cares a lot about all of his body and makes sure to take care of them all the time so he didn't really need glasses, well, the ones with prescription that is

Honestly could have been one of the brothers to let you remember much earlier

Because he also spends time on his eyes, making sure it gets its needed rest, he might know something about glasses

And he noticed how you seemed to need one whenever you look at something close/far away

He hugs your arm, looking at you with a worried pout, "Hey MC, you've been staring in space and squinting for a long while, are you okay?"

As you reassured him and tell him that you just forgot your glasses, he laughs it off, until he realized that you weren't wearing one for MONTHS

He's a little worried, what if your vision got worse?

As soon as school ends, he's taking you to the doctor! No buts!

Beelzebub

The brother who didn't notice until at least 4 months or longer (while the others took a few weeks or a month)

Another one who cares about his body to keep it healthy, eyes are very important and even if it was an annoying task, he isn't planning on making it worse

Might have seen you squinting and staring off in space with a mean look, but that's what Belphie and Lucifer do sometimes, so he thought it was nothing

Until you say it outright to him or someone tells him, or if your vision's getting worse, he wouldn't notice-

"Ugh...I can't believe I forgot my glasses of all things.."

"You needed glasses??"

He feels bad for not noticing sooner, so he vows to help find you if ever your glasses get lost or ruined

Belphegor

Menace

Would be fast asleep to notice your struggles

And if we're going the original route and the two of you just met, he wouldn't even care-

When he finds out that you forgot them and had to walk around with no glasses, he snickered

"Who forgets their glasses?" He flicks your forehead with a small smile before yawning

Would bully you lightly tease you for having glasses in the first place

"You need glasses to see? Too bad."

But if you really do feel sad about what he's saying, he'll feel a little bad and stops it, apologizing quietly

Even if it's a difficult task for him to stay awake, he wants to at least try one time for you and remind you where your glasses are and that you should wear it

[imagine-a-life-like-this]

Finding Love (L.F)

Warnings : like one swear word, mentions of divorce, reader doesn’t believe in love

Word Count : 2891

Synopsis : her best friend set her up on 7 dates for a project he called “finding love”, but none of the guys made her heart flutter the way he does. 

“Okay, so there’s just some final questions you have to answer.” I nodded, barely looking at my best friend, thinking about the conversation I had with his professor just a few days prior.

           “I hope Felix’s grade won’t suffer because I didn’t find love with this project.” I told her. “He worked really hard, picking out 7 different guys he thought would compliment me well. And they were all lovely, but Miss, I just don’t believe in love. I tried because I don’t want Felix to fail, but none of them sparked anything in me.”

           “Y/N, Felix’s grade will not suffer just because you didn’t find love, though I don’t think that’s true. Forgive me if I cross a line, but I believe you already found love before this project began, but you’re scared. For you, love has always equaled loss, and this person is someone you could never lose, so you refuse to love them. Think about it for a minute.”

           “Felix is my best friend.” I countered and watched as she smiled.

           “I never said it was him.” I just stared at her, going through her words again. “Think about it, Y/N. Love isn’t as scary as it seems.”

           “Did you enjoy the dates you went on?” I met his eyes, pretending like I was listening the whole time. I nodded and watched as he wrote my answer down. “Let’s go through each of the dates and then continue the rest of the questions.” Again I nodded as Felix set the papers down and focused all his attention on me.

           Chan was the first guy I went on a date with for Felix’s project. He picked me up and I felt comfortable with him as soon as I opened the door. He greeted me with a warm smile and an awkward laugh as he stumbled over his introduction.  

           We ended up at his place, ordering some food and watching dumb romcoms on Netflix. The two of us laughed at the over-the-top cringey moments, and at some point, we fell asleep. I don’t remember falling asleep, I just remember waking up some time later, wrapped up in Chan’s arms with him still asleep.

           It was an enjoyable date, something very lowkey, but there was no spark. It felt more like a hang out than a date.

           “Did you just leave while he was sleeping?” Felix asked with a chuckle.

           “No! Of course not!” I countered, laughing at how ridiculous that would be. “I woke him up and he walked me home.” Felix nodded, urging me to go on.

           Minho was next, and at first he seemed like he’d rather be anywhere else, but he quickly opened up. “I figured since it was a nice day, we could have a picnic.” He told me with a smile as he walked towards the park.

           It was really relaxing. We just sat on the blanket he brought, munching on the food he made while getting to know each other. He told me about his family and his friends, what he was studying, and what he hoped to accomplish in life. If I’m honest, I could listen to Minho talk about his dreams for hours and not get bored.

           When he asked me about myself, it was like I drew a blank. The only stories I could come up with were all about Felix. How we met, how we agreed to attend the same college so we wouldn’t be separated, how he is the only person I’d ever need in my life.

           “You talked about me?”

           “You seem surprised.” I laughed. “You already know you’re my favourite person. Of course I’m going to talk about you.”

           “Look at you being cute.” I felt the heat rise to my cheeks at the compliment, something that didn’t happen with the guys I went on dates with. Sure, they complimented me, and I was flattered, but they didn’t seem to effect me the way Felix does. “Continue!”

           To me, the date with Minho was the most intimate. It’s the one that felt the most like a date. But again, the spark wasn’t there.

           Changbin was the third, and I must say I was surprised. I’ve heard the rumours about him around the school, so when he took me to the planetarium, I was rather surprised. “Felix said you were into astronomy.” I smiled so wide when we got inside and the show began. I spouted off random facts I knew to Changbin who seemed really interested in what I had to say. He listened to every word I said, and even spouted off some of his own facts.

           It was like running into an old friend, someone you haven’t seen in years but missed dearly. We clicked immediately and it felt like finding a safe place. For a minute I wondered if this is what people were talking about when they found their soulmates. But the longer I spent with Changbin, the more I realized that the connection I was feeling was purely platonic, on both ends. He’s definitely someone I see in my future, but only as a friend.

           “Hey, at least we’re getting somewhere!” Felix explained. “For a whole minute you thought he could be it!” I laughed at how excited Felix seemed, but my heart seemed to fall to my stomach. Why was he so focused on me finding love? Why does he seem excited to see if I fell for one of the guys he set me up with? “Keep going! 3 down, 4 to go!” He smiled at me, and I felt butterflies erupt in my stomach. No. No that’s not right. I must have eaten something weird.

           Hyunjin took me to an escape room. I’d always wanted to do one but was always scared. Hyunjin didn’t really give me a choice, telling me I would have loads of fun. So, we went. Unfortunately, he chose one of the hardest rooms they offered, thinking we were smart enough to escape.

           It was fun looking around different rooms, trying to find the clues to escape. He was really easy to work with, and though we didn’t escape, we made it pretty far. We then grabbed some ice cream and just walked around, learning more about each other, and complaining about how difficult the room was. “You know, if I wasn’t so distracted by how pretty you looked, we totally could have escaped!”

           “Oh so you’re saying it’s my fault?” I giggled, taking another bite of my ice cream.

           “It is! But it’s okay, I forgive you.” He smiled as he stole a bite of my ice cream.

           “Yah!” I screamed before quickly stealing a bite from his and sticking my tongue out at him.

           “You’re lucky you’re cute.” We parted ways soon after, but I had a smile on my face the rest of the day. It was really fun and something I wasn’t expecting from these dates.

           “Would you go out with Hyunjin again?” I shook my head and Felix’s wide smile seemed to faulter. “Well moving on then!”

           The date with Jisung was the most cliché, but it was still a lot of fun! We went to the amusement park and spent the day riding all the rides and even trying our hand at the different games. I’m fairly sure I ate my weight in sweets that day, but Jisung didn’t judge, and honestly ate more than I did.

           I was nervous at first, but I was quick to fall out of that and just be myself. Jisung is someone that makes you feel comfortable being whatever kind of person you are.

           As the sun set, we finished the day off on the ferris wheel. Super cliché, but it was really cute how excited he was. So I followed him onto the ferris wheel and took in just how beautiful the amusement park looked at night time, with all the lights on and couples walking around hand in hand.

           He walked me right up to my front door and told me to have a good night. I watched as he walked away out of sight before heading inside. My feet were aching, but I couldn’t stop the smile from forming.

           “Let me guess. Still no spark?”

           “No spark.”

           “Well okay, date number 6!”

           Seungmin took me to the aquarium, and it was so much prettier than I remembered. The last time I was there, my parents took me and my older brother. I remember looking at all the pretty colours, in awe of just how pretty the fish looked.

           This time around, though I was still in awe at how pretty everything was, I was more focused on watching the little kids run around in amazement, wondering if that’s what my brother and I looked like to the adults when we came.

           Seungmin seemed really nervous the whole time, barely saying a word and instead leaving most of the talking up to me. But he didn’t seem annoyed, instead he seemed intrigued by all my stories. He shared a couple of his favourite memories about the aquarium and told me why it was his favourite place. “Let me take a picture of you!” I exclaimed at one point. “To add to your memories at your favourite place.” I think that was the moment I first saw him smile wide. It was so precious, and I would have done almost anything to see it again.

           “Oh so you’ll go to the aquarium with Seungmin but not me!?” Felix pouted and crossed his arms over his chest.

           “Yah! It was your idea that I go on these dates!” He continued to pout. “Okay fine. Let’s go to the aquarium sometime.” He smiled wide, uncrossing his arms and clapping. “You are probably the weirdest person I know.”

           “But you love me!” More than I think both of us realized. “But enough about us, what about date number 7.”

           The date with Jeongin was the most unexpected as he took me to the library. We picked out a book for the other to read, found somewhere secluded to sit, and began to read. At some point, he handed me a headphone, and we listened to music together as we quietly read.

           Every once in a while, he would do or say something that would make me laugh. It’s like he made it his mission to make me laugh as loud as possible and get us kicked out. It worked, by the way. I have no idea what he said, but I couldn’t contain my laughter, and the two of us got kicked out.

           We ended up at a quiet café just down the block and just talked. We talked about the book we were reading, about school, friends, family, past, aspirations for the future. He was the easiest to open up to. He never looked at me with a look of pity, the way others do when they find out my tragic past, and instead made a joke to lighten up the mood.

           I think I spent the longest time with Jeongin. We just kept telling stories and laughing and before we knew it, the barista was coming up to us to tell us they were closing. Neither of us even noticed it was dark out.

           “So it seems like all 7 dates were successful in one way or another.”

           “I suppose you could say that.” His professor’s words kept ringing in my mind. My whole life, I’ve believed love was something just in books and movies. I would see the couples on campus claiming to be in love, just to break up later.

           I watched my parents argue every single day before divorcing. I watched my brother fall head over heels in love with a girl who played with his feelings. A part of me wanted someone to come along and change my views on love. Show me that love can be a beautiful thing. Falling in love was a risk, and I just wanted someone to be worth the risk.

           And as I sat beside my best friend, recounting the seven dates he set me up on, I was hit with the realization that I found my person a long time ago. Felix was the person I turned to when I needed a shoulder to cry on, he was the first person I wanted to tell all good news to. When I pictured my future, he’s right there beside me.

           He was right in front of me this entire time, and I just refused to believe it. As much as I hate to admit it, his professor was right. To me, love has always equaled loss. You love someone, you lose them. Felix is the only person in my life I couldn’t lose. It would be like losing a piece of me.

           “So out of the seven of them, is there someone you’d consider going out with again?” Felix picked up his papers he previously set down on the table, no longer looking at me.

           “No.” I answered simply, completely coming to terms with the fact that I’m in love with my best friend. “They’re great guys, but I think I know someone better.” I smiled, looking down at my hands clasped in my lap.

           “You do?” Suddenly, the project he’s been working so hard on was forgotten. He looked at me, and I looked right back, admiring his soft features. I guess a part of me always knew he was the one for me, it was just waiting for the rest of me to catch up.

           “I do.” I responded, my voice barely above a whisper. “He’s the best person I know. And honestly, he’s the only person I’d consider going on a second date with.”

           “Did you go on a date I didn’t know of?” He asked, looking through all of his notes, trying to see if maybe he had missed something. Maybe he had set you up with 8 people but forgot. But there was only one name in his notes that could be a possible 8th date. A name he wrote down in case one of the others turned down this experiment. A name surrounded by question marks; his own.

           “Why is your name written down?” I asked, pointing at the notes he was looking through. “I think I’d remember going on a date with you.” I giggled, looking up at him.

           “Oh, I was just a back up. In case one of the others fell through.” I nodded, coming to that conclusion myself. But the thought of going on a date with him gave me butterflies.

           “I think for the sake of the experiment, you should see if you could be the one to prove me wrong.” He stared at me with wide eyes, obviously wondering what was going through my head. “I mean, you do know me the best. I think if you tried you could win me over.”

           “The project specifically said 7, Y/N.” I slumped back in my seat.

           “Unfortunate. Well I guess we could go on a date just because.”

           “What?” I let out a small laugh at his bewildered expression before sitting up in my seat, leaning closer to him.

           “I’m asking you out.” The words didn’t seem to register in his brain, so I continued. “I talked to your professor, and she opened my eyes. She told me that for me, love always equaled loss, so I never let myself fall in love, especially with you. Because, you’re the one person I can’t lose.” I watched as his expression changed as the words registered.

           “Are you confessing to me right now?” I chuckled as I nodded.

           “Yeah I am. I’m confessing to you right now, Felix.”

           “Holy shit.” I couldn’t help but let out another laugh. “So you’re telling me that you went on seven different dates with the seven biggest heartthrobs of our school, but you’re in love with me?” I nodded, my confidence slowly fading the longer this conversation continues. Honestly, I’m not sure why I confessed. There’s never been a moment in our years of friendship where I thought Felix could have feelings for me. There was just a part of me screaming to let him know, to confess. “Forget the project, I’m taking you out right now.” He said while throwing his papers over his shoulder.

           “Felix!” I exclaimed while laughing, looking at him now standing.

           “What? I’ve been waiting years for this! The project can wait. Right now, I’m taking the love of my life out on our first date.” I couldn’t help the smile that formed as I took his hand. His project was long forgotten as the two of us went out and did all the things we did as friends, but now there was more hand holding and a lot more kisses.

           Love isn’t as scary as it seems. With the right person, love is beautiful. And though Y/N didn’t find love with the 7 boys I set her up with, she found love. A love that at first terrified her but made her happy at the same time. Falling in love is a risk, but it’s a risk she’s finally willing to take. And as the person she fell in love with, I hereby promise to never make her regret taking that risk.

[spencers-renaissance]

i can't forgive me & you can't forget

Summary: Spencer is happy that his boyfriend is as compassionate as he is, but watching Derek do everything he can to help Strauss with her alcoholism when he stood by and did nothing back when he was struggling with his dilaudid addiction is beginning to take its toll.

Tags: hurt!spencer, miscommunication, angst, insecurity, est. rel., hurt/comfort, cuddling & snuggling, angst w a happy ending, fluff TW: referenced past drug use, addiction, and overdose, implied/referenced alcoholism

Pairing: Derek Morgan x Spencer Reid

Word Count: 4.5k

Masterlist // Read on AO3 // The other fic in this universe

Inspired by @marisatomay’s post here!!! The title is from the second part of the poem Betrayal by Lang Leav.

It’s pushing ten pm by the time Spencer finally hears the front door open and close with a soft click, hears the rustling of Derek ditching his leather jacket on the crowded coat rack and toeing off his shoes — no doubt placing them neatly at the side of the hall like he always does — and listens to his footsteps as he nears the bedroom where Spencer’s been holed up since Derek left.

“Hey, baby boy,” Derek says with a warm, relaxed smile, his fingers already working on undoing his shirt buttons, before digging through their wardrobe to find a more comfortable top.

“Hey.”

Spencer watches him with tired eyes. He’s been feeling as hurt and despondent as he does this evening for weeks now, but tonight is the first time he doesn’t have the energy to hide it. He’s spent the entire afternoon in bed, and he’s certain it shows in the imprints of the creased pillowcase on his cheek and his messed up hair, and where just a couple of days ago he’d rush to hide those tells, he simply doesn’t care enough anymore.

Derek turns around from the wardrobe and shrugs off his shirt, replacing it with a soft blue t-shirt Spencer’s always liked on him. “Have you had anything to eat yet?”

Spencer shakes his head. Derek undoes his belt and switches his trousers for a pair of grey sweatpants before walking over to the bed and climbing onto the mattress, grinning cheekily as he rolls over Spencer’s body and leans down to press a tender kiss to the tip of his nose.

It’s sweet and romantic and so painfully normal, and maybe that’s exactly why he suddenly finds himself swallowing back tears. He’s hardly spent any time with Derek outside of work in weeks and he’s hurt and sad and struggling, and it’s only making it worse that his loving and attentive boyfriend hasn’t seemed to notice. Really, Spencer knows he needs to communicate, and that a significant part of his pain is his responsibility, but the shame—

“Well that just won’t do,” Derek murmurs, interrupting his thoughts as he brushes his fingers over a lock of curly hair resting on Spencer’s temple. “I’ll go and make you something. Or we can order in? What do you fancy?”

Spencer shrugs, looking away. He’s not trying to be difficult, it’s just incredibly hard to think about food and a relaxing night in with your partner when you feel like your insides are splintering and you’re just barely holding yourself together.

Even without looking directly at his face, Spencer can see Derek’s brow furrow and his happy expression fade, and soon enough Derek’s fingers are at his chin, gently moving his head until he’s looking at him again. “Hey, pretty boy,” he says gently, looking so concerned it makes his chest ache, “what’s wrong? Tell me what’s going on in that big old head of yours.”

So much of him wants to give in and tell him everything, wants to spill his fears and his anxieties and his anger and his shame onto the sheets of their bed and lay it all out for him. He wants to shout, “See? This is who I am! This is all my mess and my pain and my regret! Look at it!”

But he can’t. He squeezes his eyes shut for a moment before opening them again to meet the swirling worry in Derek’s deep, beautiful brown eyes and he wills himself not to cry. “Nothing,” he lies. “I’m just tired. Hungry.”

He knows Derek doesn’t believe him, but there isn’t much he can do if Spencer isn’t willing to communicate, so he nods reluctantly and leans down to place a kiss on his forehead this time, lingering there for a moment longer than he usually does. The feeling of his boyfriend hovering over him and asking him what’s wrong and kissing him so tenderly is all Spencer’s craved for weeks, but now it’s here, he still feels sad and empty and hollowed out by shame and bitterness, desperate for something more without so much as an idea as to what exactly more might entail.

“I tell you what, I’ll go make you some tortellini, alright? There’s a pack in the fridge and it only takes a couple of minutes so I’ll be back before you know it,” Derek promises, and Spencer can’t decide if that’s a good thing or a bad thing.

Regardless, Derek hops off the bed and heads out to the kitchen, leaving Spencer alone in the softly lit bedroom. He pulls the duvet further up to his chin and buries his face in it, the soft fabric gentle on his skin, and the comforting scent of Spencer’s shampoo mingling with Derek’s cologne settling him slightly.

Derek had spent the afternoon with Strauss at the rehab centre. And not for the first time.

The problem is, how can Spencer be mad at him for that? Really, it’s the epitome of his character: genuine, constant, unconditional compassion for everyone around him, no matter who they are or what his history with them might be. Of course he’d see Strauss struggling with her addiction and swoop right in, getting her settled in at the centre and spending hours with her on visiting days, fighting alongside Hotch to persuade the director to let her keep her job.

But watching him leave every week, watching him text her encouraging messages, hearing him talk about her progress and recovery… it strikes a nerve deep inside Spencer. He isn’t proud of how he feels. He knows it’s petty and illogical, but he can’t help it.

Because somewhere deep in his soul, an old version of himself, a sad, lonely, scared, addicted-to-dilaudid boy is crying out, why didn’t you do that for me?

It’s that question that really plagues him. They’re called into work the next day for a fairly interesting case in North Dakota, and there are some fairly strong links to the world of academia, so usually, Spencer would be all over it, reeling off facts and statistics and reaching out to his contacts to further the case. But for some reason, he just can’t get his head in the game.

He finds himself zoning out on the jet and wandering off at crime scenes without even knowing where he’s going. Initially, his team had assumed that he was thinking, or was going somewhere deliberately that might help them with the case, they’d all counted on Doctor Reid to come up with some brilliant theory to bring them closer to catching their unsub.

But Hotch had quickly realised that his head was somewhere else and kept him close to his side from then on. At least staying at the police station with Hotch and being tasked with reading through the unsub’s literary work and constructing a geographical profile both gives him something specific to focus on, and — as much as Spencer hates to admit it — keeps him away from Derek.

“You want to tell me what’s going on?” Hotch asks gently when they both find themselves at the coffee pot in the late afternoon. He doesn’t look over at him, his eyes focused on the stream of coffee and creamer headed straight for his mug. Spencer knows it’s a tactic to make him feel less ambushed and more relaxed, but that doesn’t stop it from working.

“No,” he says honestly.

Hotch nods in acceptance. He puts a warm hand on his shoulder and squeezes briefly. “Well, you know where I am if you change your mind.”

Both JJ and Emily eye him suspiciously throughout the case as well, but no one is more confused and concerned than Derek. Spencer tries not to think about the irony.

“Baby, what’s got you all distracted like this?” Derek asks softly when they’re finally alone in their room that night, full up from the rushed dinner they’d all had in the lobby before crawling to their rooms for a couple of hours’ sleep before the manhunt continues in the morning. “This is so unlike you and you know it.”

Spencer doesn’t reply, just continues quietly changing into his pajamas before brushing his teeth and washing his face. Derek’s still sitting in the same position when he comes out, looking frustrated and contemplative, and Spencer feels guilty for making him feel this way, but he just doesn’t know what to do. He can’t act like everything's okay because it isn’t, and he’s tired himself out from pretending that it was for weeks, now. But he can’t tell him what’s going on either.

The thing is, how is Spencer supposed to admit that he’s still hurt over something that happened almost five years ago now? And how is he supposed to admit that Derek doing the right thing is only reopening wounds he’d tried so hard to heal and close? That both Derek and Hotch had specifically helped him heal and close?

He doesn’t know how to verbalise his feelings without sounding petulant or pathetic, so he doesn’t. He keeps them buried deep inside him and hopes desperately that no one comes digging.

“I’m fine, Derek,” he lies again, leaning down to kiss him gently before rounding the bed and crawling under the covers. “Just having an off day, I guess.”

Derek sighs but doesn’t push any further, clearly knowing a lost cause when he sees one. Instead, he follows in Spencer’s footsteps and gets ready for bed silently, whispering a quiet good night before switching off the lamp and climbing into bed on the other side.

It feels like the expanse of white sheet between them goes on for miles.

It’s the first time Spencer’s regretted Hotch’s decision to continue letting them share a room.

The question continues to plague him over the next week. He gets marginally better at pretending he’s not falling apart at the seams, and it’s enough to make almost everyone back off, but Hotch is still concerned and Derek is still confused, and he can feel himself drifting further away from the team each day, as though his rope tying him to the others has been cut, and now the current is having its way with him.

Nothing much changes. He continues in his hurt and lonely quietude, and Derek continues to ask what’s wrong, sighing sadly when he gets nothing out of him, and they exist in tandem.

It had always felt — ever since the beginning of their relationship — as though their relationship was a salsa dance. They were tangled in one another’s lives, both physically and emotionally, and they existed in this relaxed kind of ease that Spencer’s only ever seen before in long-term relationships. They’d fallen into a lucky, easy kind of love, and it was never as much work as everyone had promised him a relationship would be.

They’ve been together for four years, and their worst fight was over whether the cheese grater went in the cupboard next to the sink or above it. (Granted, it had spiraled into some other disagreements that came along with cohabitation, but. Still.)

Spencer knows he’s introducing a dynamic they’re unused to, and he hates it. Guilt plagues him, mingling with his shame and sadness until he’s drowning under the weight of it, no way to claw himself to the surface to take a breath.

They exist on parallel lines: next to one another; yet never crossing over. Their relationship is no longer a salsa dance.

The next off-day they have, Derek can’t get out the door fast enough. “I’m off to visit Erin,” he tells Spencer, and it still makes him irrationally angry that he’s stopped calling her Strauss and now refers to her like a friend.

Is it better that Strauss is now Derek’s friend? Him helping someone he actually cares about makes him not caring about Spencer all those years again slightly less of a gut-punch, he supposes. But the fact that Derek and Strauss of all people are becoming closer while he and Spencer drift apart hurts in a way he can’t even begin to explain.

This time, he spends the entire day crying. Every time the tears slow down and he catches his breath, another wave of grief and pain and anxiety and shame and jealousy crashes over him, and all of a sudden he can’t breathe again. It’s an exhausting cycle, and by the early afternoon his stomach muscles are aching and his ribs feel bruised.

It’s also the first day he gets a craving.

He’s an addict, right, he’s had periods of intermittent cravings over the years, that’s completely normal. Sometimes, even thinking about it in passing is enough for the itch to come back, to whisper the number of his old dealer in his ear, to recall in both his physical and mental memory the feeling that came with each press of the syringe.

This is the most intense one since his withdrawal immediately after waking up in hospital following his accidental overdose in his parking garage. It’s so intense that it scares him.

Crying harder than he thought it possible, he fumbles for his phone on the nightstand and — fighting the temptation to type in the digits of his dealer — he dials the number he’s had memorised since he was nineteen. He can’t speak through his gut-wrenching sobs, but he knows the sound of him crying this hard will be enough, so he lies in bed and continues his pity party until he hears the front door swing open and the rapid steps through the hall.

Soon enough, Hotch is pulling him into his arms and he finally feels a little less alone.

Hotch lets him cry himself out, and only when his tears have dried up and the hiccups have subsided does he say anything besides the reassuring murmurs he’d spoken into Spencer’s ears as he cried.

“Spencer,” he says — somewhat desperately — “please. You have to tell me what’s going on. Let me help you, okay? Whatever it is, I’m here. I won’t let you suffer on your own anymore, I promise.”

Spencer doesn’t raise his head from its position buried in Hotch’s t-shirt, but he does finally say something. He doesn’t know what overrides the shame that’s kept him quiet — maybe it’s the exhaustion or the loneliness finally winning out — but whatever it is, he’s glad it does.

“I had a craving today,” he whispers, because it seems like a good place to start. “Haven’t been feeling good since, uh. Since… Strauss.”

It’s hopelessly phrased, but it’s the best way he can explain it and Hotch, being the miracle profiler and father figure of Spencer Reid, figures it out instantly.

He feels the way he slumps slightly, hears the tired, frustrated sigh, and knows he’s probably beating himself up for not figuring it out sooner.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, I just… I couldn’t. I didn’t know how.”

Hotch shushes him. “You don’t need to apologise for that, Spencer, don’t be sorry. I’m the one who should be sorry for being so blind, and I am. I hate that you’ve been suffering like this and we’ve all been too stupid to realise why.”

“It still, it still hurts,” he says quietly, sadly, regretfully, “it still hurts that no one helped me until it was almost too late. But everyone dropped everything to help Strauss— I’m sorry, it’s so selfish, I shouldn’t be—”

“Hey, Spence,” Hotch interrupts him, caressing his arm gently. “It isn’t selfish. It’s human. And you’re right, we should have helped you sooner and it’s always been my greatest regret that we didn’t, and that because of that dereliction of duty, we almost lost you.”

“I’m not, I’m not trying to make you feel guilty or anything—”

“Spencer, I know that. But you need to stop feeling guilty for how you feel, alright? It makes complete sense that this is bringing up both the feelings of rejection and betrayal, and also cravings for the drug you were addicted to at the time. It’s so obvious that I don’t know how I didn’t see it earlier.”

Spencer nods, but he doesn’t say anything for a couple of minutes. “Derek’s been visiting Strauss on our days off,” he admits quietly. “I’ve barely seen him for almost a month now, and that— it isn’t helping.”

“I can understand that. Have you talked to him about any of this?” he asks, even though Spencer’s sure Hotch already knows the answer.

He shakes his head.

“I know it’s hard, Spence, I really do, but I think you need to talk to him. Obviously, it would’ve been better if both he and I had figured it out without you having to tell us, but clearly, he isn’t going to realise by himself. I know that as soon as you explain it, he’ll understand completely.”

Spencer sighs. Some part of him had known this was coming, he just didn’t know how it would come about. He wouldn’t have put money on Hotch being involved, but maybe he should have done. He always seems to come to Spencer’s rescue.

“He’ll probably be out for a while. He usually stays out for hours when he goes to visit her.”

“Well, how about I stay until he comes home, and then you can talk to him? How does that sound?”

Spencer looks up at him. “What about Jack?”

“He’s out with a friend and their family anyway,” Hotch reassures him, smiling as he runs a hand down his arm. “Now how about I make you some tea and we go and sit on the sofa?”

Spencer reluctantly agrees and moves from the safety of his bed to the comfort of his sofa, but he has to admit that the light streaming in from the big bay window and the feeling of sitting up makes him feel just a little better straight away. Once Hotch is back and placing a cup of chamomile tea into his hands, he doesn’t feel quite so much like he’s going to burst into tears at any moment.

“I have to ask, Spencer,” Hotch says carefully, “did you buy any dilaudid? Or attempt to contact your dealer?”

“Thought about it,” he admits, not meeting Hotch’s concerned eyes, “but I didn’t.”

Hotch relaxes. “Good. I’m proud of you, you know.”

Spencer looks at him with a hesitant smile that only grows when Hotch beams back.

They spend the afternoon watching nature documentaries — and Spencer admittedly dozes through a lot of them, exhausted from the burden of carrying so much pain around and the physical exertion of crying so hard — until Derek comes home at just gone five thirty.

“Hotch?” he asks, confused, and his voice wakes Spencer up from one of his unintentional naps.

He scrambles to sit upright, going inexplicably red at the thought of what he knows is coming. For some reason, he feels like he’s done something wrong and he’s about to be told off. He hates that this is what his relationship with Derek has come to.

“Hi, Derek,” Hotch says, squeezing Spencer’s ankle and getting up from the sofa. “Spencer asked me to come over earlier” — which is a bit of a stretch when really Spencer sobbed into the phone until Hotch showed up — “and I was just keeping him company until you came home.”

Derek’s eyebrows only furrow further, looking between them, confused. “Right.”

“Spencer,” Hotch says, meeting his eyes, “are you okay if I go now? You’ll tell Derek what we talked about?”

Immediately, Spencer blushes red as Derek’s scrutinising eyes fixate on him, but he nods and smiles weakly at Hotch, following him with his eyes as he lets himself out, if just to avoid meeting Derek’s.

“Pretty boy?” Derek says cautiously, slowly taking off his jacket and approaching the sofa like Spencer’s a wild animal liable to be spooked away at any given moment. He supposes it’s probably quite a good analogy, actually.

Spencer shifts nervously in his seat, moving his legs out of the way to give Derek more room to sit down on the sofa.

“You finally gonna tell me what’s been up with you these last few weeks?” Derek asks, and Spencer isn’t oblivious to the hope in his voice. “I’ve been worried about you, baby.”

Spencer nods and closes his eyes for a moment, taking a couple of deep breaths to compose himself. He’s told one person, and it went fine— it went well, actually. Derek is his life partner, his soulmate, and they tell each other everything. He just needs to start at the beginning. He needs to tell him all of the disclaimers, remind him that he’s not angry at him for doing the right thing or for being the compassionate person he is, he just needs to— He needs to focus, and he needs to tell the truth.

“I called Hotch earlier because I was scared of myself,” he says, finally opening his eyes and looking into Derek’s. “I was having some of the most intense cravings I’ve had since being sober, and I was seriously considering calling my dealer, but I managed to call Hotch instead, and we talked about how I’ve been feeling.”

“Baby, I’m so sorry I wasn’t here,” Derek says regretfully, his face melting into the very picture of apologetic as he scoots a bit closer on the sofa so he can grab Spencer’s legs and pull them over his lap.

“I know,” Spencer replies, ignoring for now that him not being here is why they have a problem in the first place. He moves on. “I’ve been… struggling… over the last month or so with feelings that I haven’t really known how to rationalise or explain, and when I finally did make sense of them, I felt that I couldn’t share them with anyone, which is why I’ve been so distant and private. And I’m sorry for that, by the way.”

Derek just smiles, caressing his bare ankle with one hand as he rests his other over his shin.

He pauses for a moment, trying to find the best way to word his thoughts, but before he can think about it too hard, the words come spilling out, unbidden. “I’ve found it hard to reconcile your attentiveness and willingness to throw everything at helping Strauss, and the way no-one helped me with my addiction back in 2007.”

Derek’s face instantly falls, and saying the words out loud brings all the emotions he’d managed to control back again in full force, and suddenly his face is crumpling, too. Derek surges forward, moving them both until he’s situated between the sofa cushions and Spencer, cuddling him as close as he can while Spencer cries into his chest.

“I’m so sorry, baby, I’m so sorry,” he whispers, voice breaking as he begins to cry as well. “I’m sorry I didn’t do anything then and I’m sorry I didn’t put two and two together to realise why you were struggling so much. I can’t believe I was so oblivious, Spence, oh God.”

They lie there for a long time, crying together as Derek runs his hands through Spencer’s hair and Spencer clings desperately to the fabric of Derek’s t-shirt.

“I was just feeling so distant from you because we weren’t spending as much time together, and I had no idea how to admit that I was feeling hurt about something that happened almost five years ago,” he continues when they’ve both calmed down again, and they’re ready to resume the conversation. “I guess I just felt… ashamed of both my feelings now and being jealous, which is so ridiculous, I had no idea how to tell anyone how I was feeling. And I’m so sorry that my lack of communication affected us so much.”

“Oh, baby,” Derek sighs, leaning in to press a kiss to Spencer’s lips. “You don’t need to be sorry. I’m sorry that I was hurting you when I should’ve known the effect my actions would have. This whole mess is on me for so many reasons.”

“Der, I don’t want you to feel guilty,” Spencer says insistently, urgently, looking at him imploringly. “You’ve apologised enough for what happened back then, and there’s no way we can change what happened. You were just being the same kind and compassionate person you always are when you were helping Strauss.” He reaches out and cups Derek’s face gently, hating the tells of guilt and self-loathing he can see all over it.

Derek sighs and moves Spencer’s hand to his lips so he can kiss his palm. “When I was sitting in that hospital room waiting for you to wake up,” he explains, “I made a promise to myself. I told myself that I would never let anyone down like that again. I was never going to stand back and watch anyone else I knew fall into the same trap you did. So when I realised Strauss had a drinking problem, all I saw was an opportunity to keep that promise.

“The only problem was that I was so wrapped up in doing the right thing in helping her that I wasn’t doing the right thing by you. I should’ve realised all the feelings, physical and emotional, that this would bring up for you, but I didn’t think. I’m so sorry, baby boy, I really am.”

Spencer cuddles back into Derek, burying his face in the juncture between his neck and shoulder and relaxing into the reassuring scent of his person. “I know, Der. I forgive you.”

“How about we order in some Thai for dinner from your favourite restaurant and watch some Doctor Who?” Derek suggests after a couple of minutes of silence. “I think we’re long overdue for some quality time together.”

Spencer smiles at him, feeling so much of the heaviness that’s been weighing him down over the last few weeks lift that he feels almost like he’s floating. “I think that sounds like a plan.”

They set the living room up to be as cosy as possible, lighting the candles Penelope had made for them and using only their soft lamps to light the room, before piling the couch high with blankets and pillows until they’re cuddled together in a little nest.

The evening is spent eating their favourite food and watching their favourite season of Doctor Who, and while Spencer’s still hurting and they still have healing to do, this feels like a damn good start.

“I’m proud of you,” Spencer whispers to Derek late into the night, when they’re close to falling asleep in the comfort of their blanket pile.

Derek turns to him, looking confused. “What do you mean?”

“You made a mistake when you let things get bad with my addiction back in 2007,” Spencer explains, “and when you saw someone headed down the same path, you stopped at nothing to make sure you didn’t make that mistake again. If anything shows me how much you regret not doing anything sooner, it’s your devotion to Strauss’ recovery.”

Derek smiles at him, his eyes a little watery, and holds his chin gently as he leans in to kiss him. “I love you,” he murmurs. “I love you so much.”

Spencer kisses him again before cuddling back into his side. “I know you do, Derek. And I love you, too.”

And really, when it comes down to it, that’s enough.

Ahhh, this was the first fic in forever that actually felt fairly easy to write thank GOD. I loved this concept and writing that good, good angst was so much fun. Plus, we always love a happy ending in this house! Also, a reminder that how other people when you confront them with the way they hurt you or made you feel is not your responsibility.

taglist: @criminalmindsvibez @lesbiantodds @suburban--gothic @strippersenseii @takeyourleap-of-faith @negativefouriq @makaylajadewrites @iamrenstark @livrere-blue @hotchseyebrows @enbyspencer @reidology @transhanniballecter @spencerspecifics @bau-gremlin @hotchedyke @tobias-hankel @hotchscotchh @marsjareau @oliverbrnch @im-autistic @anxious-enby @kuolonsyoja @reidreids @ropoto @thosecriminalminds @wifeyprentiss @cmily @love-pyramus @notevanbuckley @thebipolarbisexualnerd (add yourself to my taglist here!)

[ayamturd]

enough│dream team

summary: y/n is overwhelmed and hits a breaking point. luckily, her boys are always there for her.

warnings: angst to fluff, light cursing

pairing: real-life platonic!dream team

a/n: was trying to write comfort drabble but got carried away, oops— pls feel free to comment or give feedback!

wc: (1.4k) - m.list

Falling face-first onto the safe haven of your couch, you felt as if you could cry from exhaustion. 

Today was long, longer than usual. From pulling an all nighter to barely finish the analysis essay you put off to the very last minute, struggling to understand the notes in most (if not all) of your online classes, to the torturous hours at work dealing with difficult coworkers and harsh customers, to say you were emotionally, physically, and mentally drained was an understatement. 

Despite the numerous assignments you knew were waiting to be completed, you couldn’t find it in yourself to care. The stress of simply worrying about them was already enough to drown your thoughts as you smothered your face into the pillow cushions. Before the raging thoughts could continue to ring though, the discord notification quietly broke the empty space, the phone being previously thrown somewhere on the floor. 

The bright screen blinded you as you brought the phone towards your face and answered the call with blurred eyes. “Hello?”

“Aye, nice to know you’re not dead!” What?

“Sap, what the hell do you want?” The lack of sleep was present in your quip tone. You probably would have apologized upon realizing if you could think straight. 

“Geeez, no need to get all upset. Was just wondering if you were still planning on joining the stream.” 

“Stream? What stream?” As if answering your own question, you pulled the phone away to check the date and sat up in slight panic. Fuck. “Shit! I didn’t realize that was today, I thought it was still Thursday!” 

Sapnap laughed, but it didn’t help calm your nerves at all. “Honestly, you’re fine. We were just wondering what happened since you weren’t answering any of our messages.” You scrolled through the boys’ messages from the past hour asking where you were. 

“Ahh, but still, I’m so sorry. I just got home but let me set up and I’ll be there in the next five minutes or so.” 

“You sure? It’s fine if you don’t wanna, s’just a chill stream while we speed run and shit.”

“No, no, it’s fine. I promised and haven’t hung out with you guys in a while anyway.” Rising slowly from the couch, you stretched with a groan and headed to your bedroom to quickly change into something comfortable. 

“Alright, nice. I’ll tell the guys, see you then.” You hummed a bye and closed your phone. Slipping out of your dirty uniform and putting on something loose, you collapsed into your office chair and turned on your monitors. You weren’t in the greatest mood if you were being honest with yourself, but you would feel bad if you fell through with plans and didn’t want to disappoint anyone. You tried to force down any negative thoughts before entering the call.

“—eorge! What?!” Clay’s signature yell practically made your ears bleed when adjusting the headphones on your head. You were quick to turn down the volume. 

“What are you idiots up to now?” you asked, letting the boys know of your presence.

“Y/n! glad you finally decided to join us!” George remarked. You could hear the stupid grin on his face while loading up the game, and scowled at your screen as if he could see it. “Shut it, Gogy. I was busy and it slipped my mind.”

“Mhmmm, suuure. You totally weren’t ignoring us for the past hour or so.” The cheeky little bitch.

“Hey, just cause the girls you hit up don’t respond doesn’t mean every girl in the world is ignoring you!” 

You could hear Clay wheeze as George and you began your usual bickering. Wanting to entertain their streams, you tried to interact and talk with each of the boys as much as possible, but you felt the high of speaking with friends significantly drop as the night continued on. 

The events of the day and the sensitive thought of meeting expectations and your inability to do so were starting to creep onto you. Even your game play was off as you died the fifth time in a row within the first 3 minutes again; the growing frustration made you tear up and get more angry at yourself. Who sucks at a block game and starts crying about it?

You didn’t realize you had gone silent until Clay called your name. “Yeah, Dream?”

“I ended the stream a few minutes after George and Sap, no need.” Oh. You must’ve spaced out and not noticed. When did George and Sapnap end stream? 

Letting out a sigh, you responded, “my bad Clay, I wasn’t paying attention.” 

George began speaking. “You okay tonight, y/n? It’s been awhile since we last actually talked and you got pretty quiet at the end there. I thought you were afk at first but could hear your keyboard.”

“I’m good, just tired.” You struggled to make a smile, barely convincing yourself as is.

“I don’t know, even when you’re tired, you’re not dead silent and completely zone out.”

“Yeah, what’s up with you today? I know you said you were at work but it’s not like you to forget things completely.”

“Plus you weren’t really fighting back that last argument. I know I’m amazing at Minecraft but I didn’t expect you to—“ You let out a stuttered breath and choked back a sob at their words, the heavy weight of the day finally crashing on you. 

You could hear George try to apologize for something he could have done to upset you and swallowed your silent hiccups to respond. “Don’t, George. Please. Trust me when I say you didn’t do anything wrong.”

The call went silent before Clay spoke up. “Then what is wrong, y/n? You can’t tell us something isn’t bothering you, we just want to help.” Now that opened the floodgates. Your breathing became irregular as more tears came into view. If the boys were talking, you couldn’t hear anything they were saying. You felt awful for forcing them to listen to you cry your emotions out, but Sapnap was quick to softly console you when you pathetically began to repeat broken sorry’s.

Eventually your sobs became sniffs as you calmed yourself while listening to George tell you to breathe in and out. The call became relatively silent once more.

“I’m so sorr—”

“Y/n,” Clay firmly stated, “never say sorry for something that isn’t your fault. You’re okay, okay?” You sniffed and nodded to his words, replying with a soft okay.  

“What’s wrong, y/n?” George was more gentle then before, him trying his best to comfort you in comparison to his joking manner. 

“I— I’m just so tired. Tired of school, t—tired of work, tired of trying to keep up with everything. I feel like I can’t breathe and it hurts. A—and I can’t help but hate myself for not being able to keep up with my own responsibilities and shit. I just, why am I not good enough?” The pause of silence was deafening and you looked desperately at the boys’ icons for an answer before screwing your eyes shut. 

Clay was first to respond. “Y/n, I know that right now everything feels hard and stacked up against you, but please trust me when I say it gets better. I know you said it’s been hard to breathe but you have to let yourself. You shouldn’t hate yourself for not being able to keep up, it’s just a sign you need to step away and give yourself a break. You’re not alone, okay? I’m here, George is here, S—“

“I’m here,” Sapnap interrupted. Clay let out a murmured groan while George scolded him for talking. “Oh, uh, sorry…” You giggled slightly.

“What I’m sure Clay was trying to say before is, you have us to back you up, alright? Struggling to take on your own responsibilities isn’t something to feel alone in, everyone needs support and we’ll always be yours. You are good enough. You’re too good for your own good that you won’t let yourself see it.” They collectively chuckled at George’s words. “Do you understand what I’m saying?”

You slowly nodded while still grasping everything they said, a warmth replacing the shuddered breaths as you exhaled. “I do, yeah.” You couldn’t help but feel touched by their attentiveness and genuinely smiled. “Thank you guys, for listening and calming me down. It means a lot.”

“Course, y/n.” Sapnap reassured. “We love you and all that shit.”

“I love you guys and all that shit too.”