#like literally im trying to study
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#im so angry at myself for not journaling more#i started a couple years ago n was consistent for a few months but now i only ever remember to do it a couple times a year#n today#i was having such a lovely day#n all of a sudden i remembered#ive probly forgotten so many percious memories bc ive been to lazy to write them down#n i cant stop thinking abt it!!!#like literally im trying to study#n all thats going through my mind is#'imagine all the lovely memories of your family youve forgotten because you were too much of a lazy fuck to write them down'#like i cant stress enough#no matter how hard i try to focus on something else THIS IS ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT#ITS ALWAYS IN MY HEAD#I JUS WANT IT TO STOP#n i left my journal at school so i cant write in it again till monday#im just. so sad.#so sad to think theres so many amazing precious memories ive completely forgotten about#that i have no written recollection of my first twenty one years of life#im so sad
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Do yourself a favor and go read the entire fanfic work of @fanfoolishness
(In order: Under sun and shade, Blind Side, and Breathless (patching up is one of my fav too, I just had no cool sketch idea for it)
#star wars#star wars the bad batch#the bad batch fanart#tbb fanart#tbb fanfiction#dumping my “fanfic_doodles.clip” file here literally#sorry the style is messy#now I see them all Im like “ok it's all over the place zero/100 aesthetically pleasuring post”#hhhh its the thought that counts?#And tbh the point is just to convince you to read theses#because I'm like OBSSEEESSED with theses since you appeared in my notes#Every fic is gold#Me baiting my followers with pretty enough pictures to read fanfics#this being said I should really take the time to color properly my stuff#but I don't liiiiiiiiike it#there is tons of more talented artists if people want colored beautiful amazing art#me I can't really make my “”“spontaneous”“” “”“doodles”“” pretty without trying hard and at the end it's meh#They're so flat too#yesterday I was like “oh my scenes are becoming less flat I improved maybe”#Then I scrolled on my storyboard insta and was like#yeah sure no#I'm still faaaaaar away from the industry standards#I studied like at three arts school and I'm still bad at drawing TAT#why is my brain not working v_v#look brain I'm showing you nice pictures learn from them#brain: no Im gonna overfixate on this left hand here and only this#anyway
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There will not be a single moment next week in which I’m not running around doing something
#full time studying / volunteering at the refugee center / volunteering at two clinics#literally ab to have a meeting ab shadowing a doctor who’s researching ftd dementia in like 50 minutes#organic chemistry research 5 days a week bc ur bitch is trying to get published#hitting the gym 6 days a week. I’ll probably have to move it to mornings soon#meal prep#trying to snag a lowkey part time job#trying to read 30 minutes before bed#somehow have 2 fit a social life into this#I’m excited bc I finally feel like my time budgeting abilities are being put to the test BUT holy fuck .#studying will be my no 1 priority always. literally catch me doing anki cards in any pocket of free time I have#but I better live up to the challenge of juggling everything else too#ik I got this. and these are all things im choosing to do. not things I have to do#and I love being busy so it’ll be so fun#just had to be in awe for a second bc I used to admire girls who’re like this. and I am officially about to be one of them#p
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well looks like im never leaving california! if any of u guys need reproductive healthcare i will house all of you im not even playing
#this is just the tip of the iceberg too like there is a literal genocide happening right now and the fact that its not a dealbreaker for#ANYONE pisses me the fuck off#my best friend is palestinian and its very jarring to see news outlets not even bother to MENTION the genocide rn#'foreign affairs' like ok kys#HOW DID WE LET THIS HAPPEEENN#harris pisses me the fuck off bc she went around parading right winged policies to appeal to republicans#instead of actually building a strong foundation#-> but yeah sure lets waste our fucking time trying ro pay celebs to endorse u!#'kamala is brat! KYS KYS KYS I FUCKING HATE YOU LOT LIKE PLEASE GET SO REAL#i hope they all feel like some fucking clowns rn#i feel siccckkkkkkkk#also im sorry nonamerican followers for americanizing your feeds but#ive been radicalized since i was like 9#AND i studied social/political documentary and film in university#so boy do i have a fucking lot to say abt the state of the world rn!!!!!!!
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oo u want 2 draw soo bad..
#i hate that my ability to draw is so conditional#its soo frustrating but i dont know how to break it. this has been the one thing thats never changed.ill never be free#times like rn i just do studies but its soo fking BORINGGG euuhh...#but if i try 2 draw something for funsies i just stare at the blank canvas. literally immobile. & u know how people r like just draw#something anyways. a line. something. and its like no i cant do that oi cant even do that u underestimate my freak#i want 2attack myself from the pov of someone else#i think im having the realization tht i will never be able to do art stuff frls and its driving me crazy i think.#like im actually sick and unwell frm the thought of it.my friend commissioned me and im ab 2 send the money back#after two weeks bc i cant do it im literally frozen dude.i want 2 cry and die and explode into a million pieces#wait im back to add more.idk if anyone feels the same way but its like. i know its entirely a Me issue its a mental block issue#theres something thats not connecting in my head but its like.why is it so easy for everyone else ykwim...and thats a lie too right#like everyone else struggles w art and its not.it cant exist Without you struggling and practicing hard and trusting yourself#but in my brain im just convinced that like.i cant do this i cant do this like everyone else can do it like second nature and it freaks me#tf out#but also its the one thing i want to do more than anything else in my life and so like if i cant do it i dont know what to do.ughh.#not me freaking the fuck out rn lawl.lols.even#and on top of it i feel like i cant express myself well and i think my friend. < SOOO awesome and well meaning and NICE and legitimately#pushing me to try and believe that i can do this stuff but i feel like they wont understand the sort of like.mental block im struggling wit#like its less that i hate my art or something i dont its more like.i just feel soo physically restrained and incapable of doing it.suddenly#i cant think and i cant do anything.i have no creativity i have no ideas my mind is quite literally blank and empty
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second? deadliest pirate sibling duo on the continent?
#this is jsut a lazy little render i did in the middle of the night the lighting doesnt make any sense and its very lazily edited#but i wanted to post anyway#holland running away from home at literally like 17 and noelia's like 13#then he comes visits at least once a year and every time she's like holland!!!!!! im so fit to be a pirate pls bring me with you!!!!#holland's obviously like youre 15 go study#eventually it turns into noelia like literally grabbing him by the shoulders shaking him like#HOLLAND OUR PARENTS ARE TRYING TO GET ME TO MARRY!!!!!!!!!! TAKE ME WITH YOU!!!!!!!!!#its not even that holland doesnt think shed be an asset but he does not want to be responsible for her getting hurt or killed#so hes just like sorry i cant do anything about that invite me to the wedding though. byyyyyyye#eventually he lets her onto his crew but only because of. certain circumstances lmao
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forgor how to fucking draw
#dont even like these that much but its smth#mostly pose practice#ninjago#nya ninjago#not adding loads of tags for this lol#doodlez#um just trying out a couple new brushes rlly. and painting practice again#im going to try shading w gradient maps next i think. i use literally 2% of the features in csp#become very uncofident in my art.... but im hoping to do more and learn more. i jsut find it hard#i find it hard to do studies LOL bc iidk why i HATE drawing at all realistically it makes me feel. bad IDK why i just HAVE to draw weird#anwyays#artsbotz
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There are so many similarities between Gale and Coriolanus.
There are a lot of things that you could draw connections with.
They're both really pretty young, around 18.
Both of them are the primary provider for their families.
Both have a pretty frightening outlook on human life, barring people they have previously formed a connection with i.e., all of snow's choices; made to protect himself, lucy grey, tigress and his grandmam, with no regard to any other lives, and gale's "how different can it be, really?" and the way he was fine with dropping bombs on kids, he's just sorry one of them was Prim.
they were both manipulated by older women in power who needed something they had, (ambition, charisma, ideas, strategy, sway) to get what they wanted.
Both loved a girl and lost her because she wasn't willing to bend her morals the way that they did, and she wasn't ready to forgive crimes they put little thought into justifying.
in the end, they're both willing to sacrifice even the people they care about to get the future they've been fighting towards.
It's interesting to think about how things would have been different had Gale been born in the capitol, or if Coriolanus had been born in 12. Would Gale have turned out the way President Snow did? Still, using his talents to fight, but this time setting traps for the rebels? Would Coriolanus have poisoned his way to freeing the districts?
**EDIT**
GUYS WAIT NO
i'm not bashing on Gale i swear. i live with a Gale stan, i would never.
Okay, really quickly, I actually really really love these comments, and I'm kind of thriving off how quickly people jumped in to defend Gale as someone who gave up so much to free the districts because I really do think he was just a kid and he wasn't a bad guy. I still think the similarities between them are really interesting. I just wanted to put in some of the things I was drawing from to make the connections on the first post.
In Mockingjay Gale and Beetee are making plans to target human compassion, (the passage is pretty long so I won't quote it) katniss finds out about them, her POV includes that they came up with the specific trap that killed Prim, that was their plan. Katniss questions it, "that seems to be crossing some kind of line," she says "so anything goes? I guess there is't a rule book for what might be acceptable to do to another human being." and Gale responds "Sure there is. Beetee and I have been following the same rulebook President Snow used when he hijacked Peeta,"
He quite literally compares his work to the work that Snow did and uses that as justification to hurt innocent people. He also rationalizes his strategies and actions in the war with the words "Sometimes killing isn't personal."
Gale paralleling Snow definitely doesn't mean Gale's a bad guy, or that he's the same as Snow, because Snow is arguably a sociopath, and Gale feels love and remorse, they have so many differences I just think the similarities are really interesting.
#not sure what this means#this being said im not a huge gale hater#im not trying to bash on him#i just like connections#there is definitely a character study to be done on the way war impacts LITERAL TEENS in these books#so many thoughts to be had honestly#gale hawthorne#coriolanus snow#president snow#the hunger games#hunger games#the ballad of songbirds and snakes#ballad of songbirds and snakes#tbosbas#catching fire#mockingjay
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hey guys so I just started reading Flatland by Edwin A. Abbott and OMG AHSBNSBSBSNSNBSHZHSHDBFHGGHFHGRJ2KSHSBSNSK AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA I LOVE THINKING ABOUT THE RELATIVITY BETWEEN DIMENSIONS!!!!!!
#probably the nerdiest thing i will ever read in my entire life but I AM SO HAPPY#Its the unabridged and corrected 1992 republication btw. if you wanna get specific#the only book in which i have actually decided to read the introductory notes and i do NOT regret it because the editor's one IMMEDIATELY#brought up the “oh but surely the second dimension has thickness how else would flatlanders see anything” AND GAVE A REALLY GOOD ANSWER.#which i cannot tell you here. bc it is several paragraphs long and idk how i would shorten it. i would hit tag limit. if thats a thing.#anyways. I'm only a little bit into the first part which basically explains how Flatland works as a society so i haven't even gotten to the#sphere yet but OH MAN I HAVE NEVER BEEN SO EXCITED ABOUT A ROUND OBJECT IN MY LIFE#IM LOSING IT OVER THIS BOOK AAAA :D#me: im so glad i dont have a math class during my senior year! now i dont have to learn anything math-related!#also me: but what if i started studying a complex and almost entirely theoretical part of geometry#bc YEAH i didn't just buy this book bc of gravity falls. I BOUGHT IT BC IVE BEEN RESEARCHING THE 4TH DIMENSION WOOOOOOO!!!!!#one thing i will say i dont like. introductory note suggests the the 4th dimension might be time. this is ok tho bc its followed up with#also saying that time is not a spatial dimension and exist across the 0 1st 2nd and 3rd dimensions which. that epuld mean we live in 4d#already. so. i was worried for a second but THANK YOU THANK YOU OH MY GOD PEOPLE TRYING TO SAY “OH THE 4TH DIMENSION IS TIME” I HATE THAT SO#MUCH AAAAGGHHHH AT LEAST RECOGNIZE ITS NOT SPATIAL!!! TIME IS NOT A SPATIAL DIMENSION!!!!!!! IF IT WAS THEN 4D TRAVEL AND TIME TRAVEL WPULD#BE FHE SAME THING AND DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY MUCH COOLER POSSIBILITIES WPULD BE THROWN AWAY IF THAT WAS THAT CASE!!!!! AND. AND. IF THE 4TH#DIMENSION IS TIME. THEN WHATS THE 5TH?? 6TH?? YPU CANT KEEP GOINF ON FOREVER LIKE THAT. YPURE JUST MAKEING MORE 3D WORLSS WITH STUFF IN#ADDITION TO TIME. INTERESTING BUT THAY IS NOT ABOHT HIGHRER DIEMSBSJSNSBAKAJSHDHDHHDHDHDJ#sorry for the rant. jsut. agh i want a spatial 4th dimension. i dont think tesseracts exist through time that would just be an aged cube#anyways yeahhh i love the 4th dimension. new hyperfixation or new special interest? ill have to wait and see. anyways i have done it i have#an oc whos 4 dimensional now and she is the coolest ever i love her#but yeah this book is sosososo good i am literally gonna bring it to school to read instead of draw bc i would lose it if i didn't#10/10 would recommend to anyone who wants to Think
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Huh. If my life was a quote, it'd be "one of those sad ones with a deceptively happy tune"
#quote from MLP:FIW#sorryyyy been kinda angry about my step family all day#sorry but im so tired of my Stepmom acting like she raised decent kids#my step brother is like 25 and living in my dads home. hes unironically an andrew tate fan and treats his very disabled girlfriend like shit#step sister always got compred to my sister who's the same age and put step sis in the light every time EVEN THO MY SIS WAS LITERALLY BETTER#<- like grades n shit#also both step sibs are gross. never cleans up ever. step brother and his gf are banned from the basement#step bro went to juvy when he was 16 and step sis had a trial last year and almost went to jail#also step sis has mono and would rather die than cover her mouth#i feel bad for SB's girlfriend because she has no other support system and sometimes it feels like SB or SS is trying to kill her?????#my dad threatened to kick out the adults if the house is dirty (adults being SB. SBG. SS. My sister. Aunt.)#My sister does SO MUCH HOUSEWORK and nobody cares and im mad#also bullshit rules recently have made my potential eating disorder worse#i don't think its healthy to rather starve than wash a dish but i actually have cried several times over this#not to mention how much i accidentally starve myself#also our food has been less and less because I don't know what I'm allowed to eat anymore because of my step family#also i have to share the smallest room with my sister. its okay tho ilh and i wouldn't want to get rid of her#sometimes it feels like my stepmom doesn't like me or my sisters because we're “weird”. childish interests and artistic#she lectured me about having missing assignments and I started crying#i said i just forgot to turn in some before the deadline and she called me lazy#<- Oops! so close. its actually THE MENTAL ILLNESS#my sisters and i feel like shit#i feel like my safe space is with my oldest sister.#and you all too! i love you guys#i just feel trapped. trapped by my step family. trapped by my own mind.#i was just starting to feel free from the burden of school and she just made me feel more stressed.#i didn't want to study because she killed the little motivation I had#Spanish exam is now “Fuck it we ball”#sorry for the personal post
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"yes im so fine"
*researches whether i can get my hands on ipecac*
#tw ed#obligatory MASSIVE do not do this#straight up poison that can kill you from one (1) time#used to be used to induce vomiting#directly the cause of death of karen carpenter and countless others#i wont i swear i wont#but i still researched it bc i was curious#tbh there are easier ways of poisoing oneself than semi illegal drugs#also if yall remember the post about a poison i own: i did more reseach and while that amount would probably kill me w no medical#intervention; it would take just under three times as much to be absolutely certain of hitting the toxic dose (calculated quantity per kg#of the top end of a given range. so it could kill me but if i was gonna go out that way id want about three times as much to be sure.)#honestly surprised ive never heard of any deaths from it. the most likely way to survive would be to throw it up i think#(or present to hospital and take charcoal or smth)#honestly though. my research says loss of consciousness and required intubation within half an hour in case studies#hence if you werent in reach of medical attention youd probably collapse an die#and i am very deliberately NOT mentioning what it is bc of how toxic it is#ive thought of combining it and another method to be absolutely sure but eh#honestly if it DIDNT work it sounds straight up embarrassing to admit to people tho thats one of the things stopping me#but literally a dose in a child requiring intubation and kid ended up in a coma recovered w no ill effects.#thats the dream yk. try and succeed and youre free; try and fail and you see no ill effects.#but yeah i wouldnt try w only the amount i have.#so im safe#....rereading the above. okay i might be a little mentally ill lol#but i am safe and absolutely nobody call the cops on me.#im fine.#tw suicide#puddleglum hours#nobody worry abt me ok. im fine.#just thinking silly lil thoughts like usual :)#EDIT: just occurred to me that using this poison could make it not look like a suicide
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on the one side i think its good that i dont stress myself out too much for exams, especially if i fail. on the other hand, maybe ive normalized failing exams a bit too much, personally.
#not to be like this AGAIN but the pandemic severely fucked w me#in the sense that at that time i started failing all my exams. and its been nonstop from there#its been 4 yrs and idk how to free myself of this mindset. my studying habits have become basically nonexistent#(until the day before the exam where i cram a semester's worth (or try to) of studying)#ive tried asking my parents for help but my mom just told me to not be like that. so that didnt help much if im honest#and im too embarassed to admit it to others actually. like that was one (1) time i tried w my parents and im not trying that again lmao#but like. the dorm workers.... idk if its bc im technically an adult (even tho i dont feel like one at all) or bc im in uni or what#but when i talk abt my studies they always think i have it under control. and the dorm director too (hes literally a psychologist and#ive gone to him for other problems ive had). they all tell me the same thing#atp idk what it is that i need but i just wanna be done w it. especially my study yrs#im afraid that i will still have to do a masters degree tho so i can 'properly' work. master habilitante and whatnot#z xarre
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I'm beating that tech priest with a crowbar again
#pasqal rogue trader#warhammer rogue trader#listen okay i like beating him up and i was thinking about and i then decided to give him [more] mental illness by removing all his tech#listen he is the kinda guy [to me] whod hysterical laugh while a screwdriver gets wiggled around in his eye socket okay#also hello eucharys helloooo [theyre partner's rt]#my pasqal likes them in the way youd look at an odd little creature going about its business and intermittently give it a pat on the head#also this is 50% his deal with heinrix [who is dating eucharys]. heinrix is a bastard and pasqal Will smack him over the back of the head#he may not have the Literal authority over someone from the inquisition but he's studied heinrix enough to know how to make him cry#and heinrix knows it. also heinrix is prey to the same thing marazhai is [pasqal just switching off his emotions and not giving a shit]#pasqal is also faster at decapitating people but has the tact to do so with discretion/away from them. the other two fail at this#he keeps them both in line and thus eucharys' sanity intact. theyve had a hard time but are trying to be kind despite it and. well.#stares at the imperium. that might not be going great for them.#this is basically unrelated to the fic im just chatting in tags as i do
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sometimes i think about sharing an opinion but then i tell myself to shut tf up before i even finish the thought
#which is hilarious because other times i literally never stop talking#this isnt anything bad btws im just trying to collect my thoughts on a drama i watched but doesn't have a fandom base anywhere i can see#i have a lot of rambles i might put up......eventually#or ill just lock them up inside and never speak ever idk tbd#nothing more mind spinning than a bad show with some good elements#i want to study this show like a bug its such a mess
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Everyone told me it would be so easy to make friends in college. This was a lie.
#like you’d think a bunch of people with similar interests studying those things in the same place would be great#but like#it’s not#turns out ppl are antisocial af#and like so am I#so I get it#but#im trying so hard#and nobody seems to stick#it’s literally been a year and I keep meeting ppl but they keep ghosting me#why is this so hard#txt#im post
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ANYWAY i am looking thru my vbros art book right now because i love the style and need to look for inspiration for drawing and what im fully realizing is theres a weird disconnect in my brain when drawing full bodies. Like.
Im looking at a full body character drawing in the book. Right. And i see its a Human. And it looks very Normal and Good and Nicely Drawn and Stylized. I want to be able to do this. I tell my brain "ok, now imagine YOU drew this" and immediately my brain is like. Body WAY too long. Legs too long. Head small. i would resize and overwork every single one of these details until it looked horrible if i drew this.
And its literally not True of the drawing, its just how bodies are. This will happen with any drawing of any full body by any artist i enjoy. So its an issue with Me for sure. Idk why my brain is like dis or how to overcome it LOL
#i know this doesnt make sense bc its literally insane like whys my brain like dis#i wonder if this is a remnant from when id try drawing on paper as a child and had to shrink bodies to fit the page#bc id always overshoot#BUT I HAVE A WHOLE HUGE CANVAS AND CAN RESISE BODIES....idk why my brain sees regular proportions as WOAH THIS IS HUGE#is it because its harder to see face details? maybe...? i like drawing face details and that skews my full bodies a lot#heads always look 100x bigger or smaller once i add the facial features and it messes everything up#i wish i cld start over with art learning i feel im on the inescapable bad path#the more i learn the stiffer my stuff gets bc i wanna be accurate and it looks bad anyway...haaaalp halp me#ok sorry gonna keep studying the book now#talkys
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