#like it’s unhealthy how normal I am
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I am literally so normal about double life and desert duo
#grian fanart#gtws fanart#double life#double life fanart#grian#gtwscar#goodtimeswithscar#art#quiz art#my art#romantic homicide#i’m so normal about them#like it’s unhealthy how normal I am#desert duo#desert duo angst#desert duo fanart
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god. vessel talking about jaws (kerrang interview)
and saying “you don’t know someone until you have seen them destroy something”
I AM CHEWING THE BARS OF MY ENCLOSURE I AM SO ABNORMAL ABOUT THIS
#ramble on exie#sleep token#sleep token vessel#i have always loved jaws#because it’s always struck me as such an intense and frustrated song#he’s asking this person to show him their worst. to be their worst. so that he knows them#but it’s still unhealthy because like. it’s also implied (to me) that this ‘worst’ is how vessel perceives this persons love#i cannot be normal about this band omfg#my sibling was laughing at me yesterday for being so passionate about carl jung’s work#and i was like ‘you don’t understand. i wrote a think piece about jungian theory and sleep token. i am insane’#anyways. jaws is another song i could write an essay on. but that will have to wait until my next mental breakdown
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it's esp in these times when i wake up early in the morning and cant get back to sleep bc i have so much anxiety my entire body hurts that i just so badly wish i wasnt alone in the world and that i had someone to hold me tightly and ground me and let me focus on their breath bc my breath hurts going thru my body, and focus on their warmth and anchor me down, show me and my mind that im not alone so that i wont spin away into a neverending abyss of worries and nightmares
#ig in a way this is part of why friends or therapists or family etc etc wont heal my loneliness#bc like they wouldnt hold me like that and we wouldnt even be sleeping in the same place in the first place#also tbh im uncomfortable even if a friend would lean their head on my shoulder 💀#so no... my heart and soul needs more#it doesnt matter if thats unhealthy or not thats just how it is#my fear and anxiety and pain runs so deep that it cant even be allievated by the things that help normal ppl#idk how to put it into words but yeah...#even therapists i meet are like omg get a job get friends and go workout and everything will be great 👍#but like.....#even when i this summer saw my upper secondary school classmate a few times#i still felt empty and hollow bc after we hung out#she'd just go home to her boyfriend and i'd lie in bd crying alone so like yeah idk#it just reminds me even more of how out of place and out of touch and lonely i am :(((#i want to sleep but i cant bc like my ntire body aches. even my arms and thighs lmaoooo. from anxiety!!!! wth...#my chest is tight af tooo like im trying to breatheeeeee and do meditation exercises#but yeah none of that works evn if everyone tells me it will
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as someone who was raised with a comparatively healthy mindset around food, I keep being baffled/concerned by other people’s eating practices that they’ll just drop like it’s no big deal. “I’m doing this intermittent fasting thing where I only eat one meal a day” girl if your one meal is the salad you eat every day for lunch I’m. that’s eating disorder behavior. and they talk about this stuff like it’s normal! “I’m trying out this new meal plan where—“ oh a starvation diet? You’re starving yourself?
#anyway spending time with a couple of my coworkers especially is making me dig in my heels#I’m eating three square meals a day! And I’m not budging on that! And I’m not going to be embarrassed about it!#Bc the worst thing is like. would I like to lose 20 pounds? Admittedly yeah#But idk I don’t think that’s the right way to do it!#Not that I am a paragon of physical fitness or anything but like! That’s literally unhealthy you are wrecking your metabolism probably#I would rather be a little squishy then live in this weird alternate universe where people are supposed to be on a diet by default!!!#and idk when girl that are already small are putting themselves through this and getting noticeably smaller it’s like#ok good for you I guess but is it worth it?#mostly writing this to reassure myself because it’s hard not to feel like I’m the one that’s wrong#idk if you feel like you need to lose weight logically you must think I’m some sort of beast or something#like I thought I was normal but maybe not haha#But anyway I hate how we just slapped new jargon on eating disorder behavior so we can talk#About it like its a health trend and something normal to do
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me:
classical writer who has been dead for hundreds of years:
me, learning more abt them/their life:
overdramatic self-insert (presumably of sorts) of that writer:
me:
me: whoa he's like me fr
#a biscuit's rambles#how connected to and understood by loooong dead writers/poets am i supposed to feel before it becomes concerning#i wont go into too much detail but. lets say i am once again gripped by admiration and some small amount of envy :')#everyone else in my class at having to read this one book: ughhh noooo this is so boring and hard to understand#(it is nigh incomprehensible and like. it's easily very boring for people my age that is a normal reaction no judgement here)#me who finished the book in one day: lowkey feeling the urge to befriend this dead guy lol#no listen that one gets how fucking obsessed i am with writing he risked his life to write id do that too#im forming an unhealthy paracosial relationship with a guy whos been dead for centuries
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-_______-
#ngl ive been needing to put this somewhere but like#please explain to me how youre supposed to control what pokemon somebody likes#every time i look at sables pokemon tastes n theyre similar to my ex's im just like Ok. like what am i supposed to do about that help#but my ex was like youre giving MY pokemon to THEM meaning YOU hate ME#me when theres literally multiple of the same type of pokemon. what do you want me to do#mind you i gave them furfrou. because it looks like their sona. and they got soooooo up in arms about that for no fucking reason#and god forbid they just happen to also like decidueye. oh my god#like does any of what im describing and have been describing on this blog sound normal or healthy to any of you. be forreal#i recognize my hypocrisy about the fox thing but even still theyre both different. like maybe if he rped as a furfrou and like#talked about furfrou literally all the time help#its different when youve made smth your identity. brother it was just a pokemon you liked and you forgot it existed half the time#its not like i gave them skitty? like im so over it help#looking back on everything n realizing how unhealthy and insane most of my relationships were w these people bruh#im just glad that anxiety and worry he was constantly inflicting upon me is gone#cus i can tell you rn i dont miss any of it#angelo is literally like the vacation ive been needing jesus chriiiist
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In season 2 episode 5, Carmen says "the idea of even having a headquarters may be a little too 'VILE island' for me".
I feel we're now touching the heart of the matter of HQ for Carmen. Not that Carmen wanting to see the world or not knowing where to rest wasn't true, but this may be the bigger and more subconscious reason why she hadn't tried to find an HQ.
This line shows just how deeply she was affected by VILE and her upbringing. Apart from not knowing who she is without VILE and being unable to imagine herself not trying to stop them... just having a place to rest and put her things, somewhere to call home, somewhere to organize future capers- all that makes her think too much of VILE island.
She's trying to distance herself from VILE so much that anything that looks slightly like them is to be avoided. Do you think that, because they raised her and she believed in their teachings for years, Carmen is afraid of becoming like them without even noticing it?
#overthinking tiny details and lines of dialogue is my passion actually <3#i am studying her like i have to write a report later#carmen sandiego 2019#carmen sandiego#csweekly#and it's very interesting bc the way you're raised very much influences how you see the world#and you can unknowingly repeat unhealthy behaviors#(and obviously this doesn't mean you will turn out like the people who raised you.#but from personal experience- it takes work unlearning shitty behaviors and thought processes when you've been bathing in them for years)#so carmen WOULD have to be cautious. but given this line i'm tempted to think she's going too far in that direction#which yeah of course. she doesn't have any way of knowing what's normal and what's not#which is why she needs her friends! dammit!
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loki season two has me screaming crying throwing up trying not to get dragged back into the mcu trenches
#i am stronger than this. i am better than this!!#by the trenches i mean consuming fanfiction at an unhealthy rate. fourteen year old me was insane i think i was on ao3 more than i slept#that’s not exaggeration. i was getting four hours of sleep on school nights and frequently went to bed at 5am on weekends#it is ONE good story. one. literally not worth it. i don’t even care about ninety percent of the mcu characters#i will ignore the little voice in my head reminding of the sheer amount of fanfiction. this was my pre-tumblr days#so my fandom interaction was like. youtube and ao3. maybe instagram posts sometimes. it was so much fun like. zero drama zero discourse#i was honestly living my best life. got less interested when i joined tumblr and went full doctor who mode#and after endgame i watched i think wandavision and loki and that was it. just didnt care anymore lol#i know exactly why this is happening tho. currently the thing i am insane about is my own damn project. which i am in the process of writin#for obvious reasons no fandom there. bc it lives in my mind twenty four fucking seven#i do wonder if i’m kind of growing away from fandom anyway? the closest i’ve got since toh ended was homestuck tbh#i want to feel obsessed with something again!! everything i’m into now - tma tlt and the like - i love them#but it doesnt hit like it used to. i don’t know it’s hard to explain#like video essays that i would have loved a few years ago!! the hour long ones about representation and queer media#they just irritate me now! i got halfway through one last week and had to bail i just could not care less#how did 2020 social media have me convinced that x character being gay was super important politically economically socially etc#ofc the answer is that i was a baby lesbian getting even less social interaction than normal#like representation is important obviously but also. sometimes it was not that deep#i don’t know if i’m making sense tbh but you get my drift#morganposting
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guys i made a mistake.
#aka i scrolled through the entire becker siblings tag again on a whim and now im shinjichairpose.png#i dont even have specific thoughts theyre just rotating in my brain now#theres like. very small tidbits that i have stuck in there currently#like their weird thing with control(because i am thinking about that 24/7)#cyrus who needs control vs fawn who defers to it vs river who hates it#how they did that i dont know but im going to take a wild guess and say that its Very unhealthy#and also their relationship to both ortegas#i guess thats only tangentially related to the becker siblings but also like. the ortegas talking about the siblings together#getting drunk and grieving together and trading stories and blaming eachother for letting them die#getting out of their posthb messes because they dont have any (becker) siblings to depend on anymore so theyll have to settle for eachother#also in the survivor!river au im specifically haunted by the fact that river 'does not include ricardo in the package' when julia-#becomes his sibling#the resentment from All sides there??? holy shit#thats gotta blow up eventually right#like i can see ricardo feeling extremely guilty about river but at the same time???? him getting Angry#that river has the Audacity to steal his sister and not even treat him any better for it#so what if he lost his siblings? doesnt mean he has the right to have ricardos#Really funny fucked up reflection of fawns beef with julia but this time its the other way around#.anyway. <-experiencing normal thoughts and emotions#cyrus becker(s)#nmoc: fawn becker(s)#nmoc: river becker(s)#keeping up with the beckers#pulp speaks
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initially this post had some commentary about interests right now. and then it turned into a ramble about personal healing in the tags. so the interest post is going separately.
#i have been possessed by my fourteen year old self.#except now i am *way* less ashamed of my interests#<- oh wow when you're in a place where all your interests that are unique to you are shamed constantly you stop enjoying them#there were so many things i hoarded as ''just mine'' because i was scared that they'd be stolen from me in one way or another#because either it'd be co-opted and i'd have to confirm to their view of said interest. or i'd be shamed and belittled for enjoying it#there are so many little things now (even wider than like. media interests. like literal aspects of myself) that feel wrong to share becaus#the only way to keep it safe was to keep it close to my chest#there are a few names i'd love to go by but as soon as i think about actually telling someone it i feel like i might#(and sometimes do) have a panic attack about it#which is stupid!!! the people around me now love me!!!! and i love them!!!!!#all that to say. being able to post about armand and dm is kind of like. a rebellion i guess#tvc and specifically armand were so important to me because back then i kind of saw myself in him? v. jaded and disconnected with the world#and seeking someone to bring them forward and into a new space to try and reinvent themself#and wanting someone to love them hard enough that it encompassed everything#i wanted to be what daniel was to armand and what armand was to daniel#<- very healthy way to think about the world and relationships btw <3 i was so normal and fine and this was not a sign something was wrong#god this turned into a bit of a vent thing huh.#i'm not like. feeling big feelings i should clarify. i feel like i'm examining them from a distance and taking notes like a scientist lol#it's a thing of like. knowing how unhealthy everything was and acknowledging that i'm healing. slowly; sure. but i am healing#i got to play a game one of them had tainted last week. it was hard and fun and i had big feelings when i was playing#because it was a little triggering. but i did it. i managed. i felt better for it.#i told my partner about one of my favourite bands back in 2021 and now they listen to them too and that's a little bit of joy#because it was one of the things that was deemed ''bad'' and that i can share that with someone now and feel safe to love it is good#and being able to be as obsessive and hyperfixated as i am right now without it being unsafe is really really lovely#and it is making me lean into it! i can engage with this without guilt! i want to fuck that old man!#it's silly and difficult and big and great and awful and complicated. but it's allowed to be. i'm allowed to be.
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Some of those doctors make hating oat milk their entire personality. I hate them. Cannot pretend to find them funny or like i give a shit. Fucking pretentious assholes
#also my colleague (the girl i had my shift with) is the exact opposite of me in all aspects. asked me if I'd ever worked in customer service#because i couldn't care less about being fake friendly to assholes and don't care if they like the service or not#like bitch those people don't have any other choice but drink our fucking coffee it's not like I'm competing with anyone#or like they pay us in any way. i get paid for doing the dumb work i have to do not for stroking some dumb ass doctors' egos#they come out of their rooms once an hour to get coffee and we have the cups on the table and i wouldn't even Think of#HANDING them the cups and smiling sweetly at them and asking 'coffee? tea?? :))'#I'll just assume these grown adults will get their stupid coffee or tea when they want some. it's not like they don't know where it is#(and i AM friendly and smile when someone is coming in our direction but why the fuck do you need to get so disgustingly friendly with them#if someone held up a cup asking if i.want some coffee I'd leave immediately even if i came just for coffee. it's creepy)#anyway. she's nice. I'm not.#there's normal people who will get their coffee and maybe ask if the milk in the little jug is cow milk to which I'll happily reply 'yes#:)'. then there's the other people who see the oat milk and make it clear they are the most insufferable people on the planet#(and i pity their patients so much. not much to choose from i guess but if i had that as a doctor I'd happily just die)#like everyone who took oatmilk could do it without making a fuss about the cow milk on the table. the cow milk lovers could never#'the oat milk is in front of the actual milk. this is unacceptable. i hate such healthy bullshit' lol okay#'OAT milk?? I'll leave this to the horses! THANK GOD you have actual milk!'#my favorite was the one who really took personal offense with its sheer presence. as if it had killed half of his patients lmao#'we had 50 patients with xyz problem. ALL of them drink oat milk. they cannot see the connection. it's really unhealthy'#at this point i just said i didn't care and stopped paying attention and he started complaining to his doctor colleague about how#oat milk is advertised to be healthy and how it's actually the opposite and i just find that very funny compared to the first comment#from that one guy who doesn't like such healthy bullshit. you guys need to find a consensus on the oatmilk issue i think. no one takes you#seriously if you contradict yourself like this. also i couldn't care less about the healthiness of the milk alternative of my choice. bitch.#next week I'll end up killing someone. i hope they all die from their cow milk. (but not the ones who took cow milk and didn't say anything#about the oat milk. they can continue living as they didn't annoy me)#void screams#some of these doctors were actually quite nice (most of them even). one even brought an applicant to us telling her to get some coffee#(which we are not allowed to give to applicants. but i don't care. I'd rather they get something than some of the asshole jury members#who hate oat milk (which is not the issue. the issue is them making it everybody else's issue that they don't like oat milk))
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inside out 2 is interesting but it sure is the exact same plot as inside out 1 down to the emotions getting stranded outside hq as a core aspect of rileys isbeliminated and having to start from scratch while joy loses hope and cries while watching memories in a pile of memories that were deemed unimportant before being deus ex machinad by an imaginary cartoon
#inside out 2 spoilers#except joy has not learned her lesson about all emotions and memories being valuable and that she is not in charge#of making the call of which emotions are important. she builds her team up by emphasizing the good they do for riley#and continues to be an absolute control freak who puts an emphasis on her own importance seeming to have learned very little#some could argue that the emotions arent distinct enough or are even too nebulous to be their own emotions#and according to many theories in the subject all emotions come from combining multiple of the core emotions#which is why having nostalgia show up for a gag was... interesting. considering the first movie literally showed us joy and sadness memorie#create nostalgic ones. otherwise i mostly just feel like theyre too disparate and am still shocked how joy is like. the only positive#emotion. period.#anyway yeah it kinda underminded the first movies thesis that all emotions are important and helpful by making anxiety basically plain bad#even despite her explanations of why shes good. like she drops her memory in the sense of self and it immediately sprouts ominously#like idk maybe im just quibbling over foreshadowing in a childrens movie but to keep in line with that original thesis#wouldnt it make more sense to get more corrupt only as anxiety continues to flood it with only her emotion#like basing your entire sense of self and personality/beliefs around one emotion entirely is extremely unhealthy#and like it starts normal and gets more erratic as anxiety becomes the ONLY contributing factor. its probably not that important#okay so joy learns her lesson about the memories. but its still like. girl did you not already basically learn this before
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look, if your kneejerk reaction to "being obese can cause health problems" is "so you're suggesting we abuse fat people" I think you need to go to therapy. simply acknowledging a health issue that disproportionately effects people who are fat is not abuse. no one is suggesting forcing you to go on a starvation diet. we are saying you deserve to know what you will possibly need to deal with in the future, health-wise. that shouldn't be hidden from you, or anyone with any condition that can cause other issues, & if being told possible health issues is a trigger, then you need help to get to the point where you are capable of viewing your health objectively instead of through the lens that everyone is making fun of you.
#''we need to make the word fat more normalized!''#someone: says the word fat to mean a person who is fat#''why are you being fatphobic''#& please don't use the ''fat people are abused by the medical system'' at me. i am a victim of that too#claiming people who aren't fat can't experience abuse by doctors is ableist & super shitty#i HATE how the body positivity movement has turned from ''be nice about people's bodies'' to#''actually fat people are the natural state of the human body & anyone under 200 pounds is unhealthy & ugly#& if you acknowledge any health issues or even suggest that fat people exist you're fatphobic. also disabled people are beneath us''#like my guy i am so sorry to tell you this but disabled people are super abused by medical professionals too. we are not enemies#in fact a lot of disabled people are fat & vice versa#like you guys just reinvented body negativity. congratulations#echochambers just do that to a person i guess
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the asbel shrine grows...
#merch#mine#this may not seem like much but considering how normally frugal i am when it comes to silly trinkets this is a hoard#from left to right we have the squishable/pettable/torturable bean asbel given to me by pav 💜💜💜 ty pav i love seeing him every day#above him is the fukubuku plushie. the first piece of asbel merch i bought him to motivate me to write 2hcb1 back in 2021#and it all went downhill from there 😂#the can badge next to him was a freebie included when i bought him from the tales-of-shop blog (now deactivated rip) but that was also swee#below is the chibi keychain aka MamoritaiKeys aka Asbel Lhocke 😂 he mamoru my house keys#and lastly my first fan-made merch that i just bought :) friendship trio my beloved...#oh and the game itself i bought from an online used game store. love that it has the manual and no price stickers on it 💜#i hope to grow this collection more >:) i love this white bread disco coat dumbass an unhealthy amount 😅
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i will shut up abt this i promise but like. the concept of being in a stable safe mutually loving whatever relationship is INSANE . like how can you ever feel bad about yourself or wounded or whatever again. it’s like a superpower or somethi ng. <- doesn’t know what she’s taking abt bc she’s never experienced it or the absence of it after having it merely the negative space of it and is filling in the gaps w logic or something. but it’s INSANE to me. like of course i feel like shit about myself i am catcrumb unloved.jpg!
#purrs#imbeing insane about it i know it’s not that simple / reductive and i will still feel like shit abt myself once im in a relationshp (if i#get to be ♥️) and there are lots of other legitimate reasons to feel shit agtbyiurself. but it’s like no ficking wonder i feel inadequate i#am a 24 year old who lives at home and has never held a hand or whatever next to two 50sometjinf year old married men with pets and phds. of#course i am going to feel inadequate and stupid and lonely. like i canttttt 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂💀💀💀💀💀💀💀 and th w worst part is you can’t just go out into#the world saying that and looking for that it has to find you so i will not join any dating apps or whatever but i don’t fucking go anywhere#so im not going to meet anyone and i knowi am so young and stupid and just having a horrible day that is reminding me of horrors. but the#way i am mentally shoving my whole fist in my mouth. OF COURSE I FEEL LIKE SHIT I DONT HAVE A LIFE PARTNER!!!!!!!!!!!! I DONT HAVE THAT#SAFETY AND STABILITY AND TRUST AND UNCONDITIONAL LOVE!!!!!!!! AND I NEVER HAVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#delete later#like this is what makes me crazy abt parents and kids too and whyi don’t think ihave kids. bc i think (and i know this is wrong / unhealthy)#it is a primal human need to be mutually someone else’s number 1 person and when you have kids it’s like you’re gonna love your partner more#than the kids and then the kids (read: me) watch that and get fucked up over it. but also that could just be me reacting to the UNSPEAKABLE#psychological damage of being a twin. which again is ridiculous bc it’s n out like abuse i just had to share something with someone else si#since before i was born and ofc there was more like actually kind of abusive stuff on top of it LOL but that aside. idk what im saying i#just feel so crazy. the amount of composure it takes me every day to not start SCREAMING with frustration and envy when i see ppl being#RIGHTFULLY DESERVEDLY visibly confident and loved. like ok valentines grinch go sit in the drainage pond forever please. but it’s so crazy#like how are you supposed to go through the world unaware of how much love you’re missing out on because you’re young and then you realize I#it and then somehow you miss the train and you are scared you are going to d*e alone ♥️ im normal
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hey guys, sorry for not posting alot, I've been tryna handle my situation rn (just let me get this orange gunk out of my brain arghhhh-)
#idk#bored#Coney's awful shitposts#Coney's semi horrible moments#Coney's Mixed topics#This is how unhealthy I am#dont mind my funni hyperfixation on this one character#I totally like them in a normal amount#TMP2#trivia murder party#jackbox#jackbox games#alpha tmp2
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