#divorces abuse break ups manipulation etc are much more common in relationships than it being a healthy relationship

[kavehater]

If I had a genie and could make one wish I’d wish that romantic relationships and anything to do with falling in love would be completely eradicated from existence. Not only is it gross and weird, but it’s also fundamentally an issue, like you can’t tell me it’s anything feasible to yearn for or believe in when so many crimes hardships and negativity stems as a by product of love. I wish everyone was aroace and we sprout from the soil via mitosis but somehow we still have genetic variation bc it’s a unique sub section of mitosis where it’s a hybrid of mitosis and meiosis.

[miraculousladybugandconsent]

Am I in a Healthy Relationship?

It Feels Like Love — But Is It?

It's totally normal to look at the world through rose-colored glasses in the early stages of a relationship. But for some people, those rose-colored glasses turn into blinders that keep them from seeing that a relationship isn't as healthy as it should be.

What Makes a Healthy Relationship?

Hopefully, you and your significant other are treating each other well. Not sure if that's the case? Take a step back from the dizzying sensation of being swept off your feet and think about whether your relationship has these qualities:

Mutual respect. 

Does he or she get how great you are and why? Make sure your BF or GF is into you for who you are.

Does your partner listen when you say you're not comfortable doing something and then back off right away, without trying to get you to change your mind?

Respect in a relationship means that each person values the other and understands — and would never challenge — the other person's boundaries.

Trust.

You're talking with a guy from French class and your boyfriend walks by. Does he completely lose his cool, or keep walking because he knows you'd never cheat on him?

It's okay to get a little jealous sometimes — jealousy is a natural emotion. But how a person reacts when feeling jealous is what matters.

There's no way you can have a healthy relationship if you don't trust each other.

Honesty.

This one goes hand-in-hand with trust, because it's tough to trust someone when one of you isn't being honest.

Have you ever caught your girlfriend in a major lie?

Like she told you that she had to work on Friday night but it turned out she was at the movies with her friends?

The next time she says she has to work, you'll have a lot more trouble believing her, and the trust will be on shaky ground.

Support.

It's not just in bad times that your partner should support you.

Some people are great when your whole world is falling apart, but not that interested in hearing about the good things in your life.

In a healthy relationship, your significant other is there with a shoulder to cry on when you find out your parents are getting divorced and to celebrate with you when you get the lead in a play.

Fairness/equality.

You need to have give-and-take in your relationship.

Do you take turns choosing which new movie to see?

As a couple, do you hang out with your partner's friends as often as they hang out with yours?

You'll know if it isn't a pretty fair balance.

Things get bad really fast when a relationship turns into a power struggle, with one person fighting to get their way all the time.

Separate identities.

In a healthy relationship, everyone needs to make compromises, but that doesn't mean you should feel like you're losing out on being yourself.

When you started going out, you both had your own lives (families, friends, interests, hobbies, etc.) and that shouldn't change.

Neither of you should have to pretend to like something you don't, or give up seeing your friends, or drop out of activities you love.

And you also should feel free to keep developing new talents or interests, making new friends, and moving forward.

Good communication.

Can you talk to each other and share feelings that are important to you?

Don't keep feelings bottled up because you're afraid it's not what your partner wants to hear.

And if you need some time to think something through before you're ready to talk about it, the right person will give you some space to do that.

What's an Unhealthy Relationship?

A relationship is unhealthy when it involves mean, disrespectful, controlling, or abusive behavior.

Some people live in homes with parents who fight a lot or abuse each other — emotionally, verbally, or physically. For some people who have grown up around this kind of behavior it can almost seem normal or okay, but it's not!

Many of us learn from watching and imitating the people close to us. So someone who has lived around violent or disrespectful behavior may not have learned how to treat others with kindness and respect, or how to expect the same treatment. This does not make it okay to disrespect you!

Qualities like kindness and respect are absolute requirements for a healthy relationship.

Someone who doesn't yet have this part down may need to work on it with a trained therapist before he or she is ready for a relationship.

Meanwhile, even though you might feel bad or feel for someone who's been mistreated, you need to take care of yourself — it's not healthy to stay in a relationship that involves abusive behavior of any kind.

Even if your partner was or is being abused, it is never okay for them to abuse you, and you aren’t a bad person for keeping yourself safe.

Warning Signs

When a boyfriend or girlfriend uses verbal insults, mean language, nasty putdowns, gets physical by hitting or slapping, or forces someone into sexual activity, it's a sign of verbal, emotional, or physical abuse.

Ask yourself, does my partner:

get angry when I don't drop everything for them?

criticize the way I look or dress, and say I'll never be able to find anyone else who would date me?

keep me from seeing friends or from talking to other guys or girls?

want me to quit an activity, even though I love it?

ever raise a hand when angry, like they were about to hit me?

try to force me to go further sexually than I want to?

These aren't the only questions you can ask yourself. If you can think of any way in which your partner is trying to control you, make you feel bad about yourself, isolate you from the rest of your world, or — this is a big one — harm you physically or sexually, then it's time to get out, fast.

Let a trusted friend or family member know what's going on, and make sure you're safe.

It can be tempting to make excuses or misinterpret violence, possessiveness, or anger as an expression of love.But even if you know that the person hurting you loves you, it is not healthy.

No one deserves to be hit, shoved, or forced into anything they don't want to do.

Why Are Some Relationships So Difficult?

Ever heard about how it's hard for someone to love you when you don't love yourself? It's a big relationship roadblock when one or both people struggle with self-esteem problems.

Your partner isn't there to make you feel good about yourself if you can't do that on your own.

Focus on being happy with yourself, and don't take on the responsibility of worrying about someone else's happiness.

What if you feel that your girlfriend or boyfriend needs too much from you? If the relationship feels like a burden or a drag instead of a joy, it might be time to think about whether it's a healthy match for you.

Even if your partner is mentally ill, or struggling with something in their personal life, it doesn’t mean you have to stay with them. A relationship is supposed to benefit both sides and make you both happy. If all it’s doing is making you miserable, it’s okay to end it.

You are never obligated to stay in a relationship, no matter your reasons for ending it. 

If your partner ever threatens you with hurting themselves if you leave them, tell a trusted adult immediately, and end the relationship. Even if someone is mentally ill, it is never okay to threaten self-harm or suicide to keep someone in a relationship, and you are not responsible for their actions, even if they try to blame you. Tell a trusted adult that your partner was threatening to hurt themselves, and end the relationship.

Manipulating someone with the threat of self-harm or suicide is abusive, and it is never okay.

If you are struggling with suicidal ideation or thought of self-harm, talk to a trusted adult or call a helpline. You can talk to your partner about the way you feel, but it is not okay for you to use your mental illness as a threat or a manipulation tactic.

Feeling suicidal doesn’t always mean you want to die, wishing you didn’t exist or were never born is another common symptom. Click here to find out how you can get help if you’re feeling suicidal or want to hurt yourself.

Another reason relationships might seem so difficult is because intense relationships can be hard for teens.

Some are so focused on their own developing feelings and responsibilities that they don't have the emotional energy it takes to respond to someone else's feelings and needs in a close relationship.

Don't worry if you're just not ready yet. You can take all the time you need, even if you decide you never want to date at all.

Ever notice that some teen relationships don't last very long? It's no wonder — you're both still growing and changing every day. You might seem perfect for each other at first, but that can change. If you try to hold on to the relationship anyway, there's a good chance it will turn sour. Better to part as friends than to stay in something that you've outgrown or that no longer feels right for one or both of you.

And before you go looking for amour from that hottie from French class, respect your current beau by breaking things off before you make your move. Cheating isn’t okay, no matter your reasons.

Relationships can be full of fun, romance, excitement, intense feelings, and occasional heartache, too.

Whether you're single or in a relationship, remember that it's good to be choosy about who you get close to. If you're still waiting, take your time and get to know plenty of people, and know that no choice needs to be permanent.

Think about the qualities you value in a friendship, and see how they match up with the ingredients of a healthy relationship.

Work on developing those good qualities in yourself — they make you a lot more attractive to others.

And if you're already part of a pair, make sure the relationship you're in brings out the best in both of you.

source

[fiore-rosewood9]

♫FrUk :D

Thank you for the ask, I will send a few songs that remind me of fruk, a whole playlist if you may, not only one song. I also touch a few of triggering topics as I explain the nations's personalities and relationships with one another so I apologize in advance if I upset/trigger someone and will put my trigger here - Warning - mentions of abuse, alcoholism, s*exual trauma. Under the explanation there is a playlist of songs that make me think of Ukfr/Fruk, so if anyone gets upset you can feel free to skip my general headcanons about fruk/ukfr relationship dynamics. There are too many songs that make me think of different characters or ships but I collected the ones that make me think the most of them.

I know the original song is by Lady gaga but this version is too sweet and cheesy for me so I chose the rock cover by the group Halestorm since I prefer it, it sounds more genuine and rough and kinda makes me think of the dynamic that ukfr/fruk has, that some people present is as just the enemies to lovers trope or them just fighting which is.....simply unhealthy????? Fruk is much more than that and I wish people would stop seeing it as a two dimensional thing, yeah they do argue on a lot of things and it is not the healthiest dynamic however it does work in my mind because they stick through thin and thick and that requires effort and true love since a lot of people nowdays do not take time to know the other person, they just jump into marriage and have a few divorces and just argue over everything and then separate, fruk is an off and on thing where they break and make. This kind of dedication is hard to find in today's couples. I know they're fictional characters and no one really cares but I practice my psychology skills and my knowledge of people around me, and I sometimes see people with similar or almost the same characters as fictional characters, they may not have all of their hobbies but they do act the same way. And certain pairs, no offence, just make me want to gag my self due to history with bad and toxic fans but if I look at it subjectivly and never encountered mean fans from a certain ship, I would say that they ship simply doesn't work. No ship bashing but as far as I know, people with this kind of personality from this ship that I dislike, and get upset when seeing fan art of, simply just do not get along and had a hard time divorcing, it is not only unhealthy and unbalanced, it is downright abusive because both partners seek control and to have the upper hand and this is not...what romance is about???? It is about two people taking care of each other, understanding personal space and boundaries, lifting each other up and yeah, they will argue a lot, sometimes for small things, sometimes for bigger things, but generally the point of romantic relationships is not someone using you, or abusing you financially and generally being better or bigger than you. This breeds insecurity and jealousy in the other partner and makes them feel inadequate. Usually such problems are not talked over and one of the partners acts passive agressive which is what ultimaltly leads to said divorce. So yeah, people can go away with their (BUT IT IS CUTE, IT IS SO FUCKING CUTE) pairing because real life pairings and how humans communicate and develop friendships and relationships isn't based on what your mind conciders and doesn't concider cute and there are lots of factors on whether relationship will ever happen like common interests, type personality, etc and just block me so I will never hear from them and their childish mindset ever again, which is why I blocked certain tumbrl fan art hetalia accounts who produce art of a pairing I (dislike) lowkey hate, for historical reasons, for manga reasons, for toxic fans who bullied me and made me go on 3 hiatuses reason and ultimatly in real life experience and psychology and how humans and the human mind works and what is healthy and unhealthy reason. Why should I support something where certain people have been hateful towards me and these same people that act like these characters and I know in my life are on bad terms in real life? Why shouldn't I just move on to something more realistic and more healthy, that I have seen that works with humans I know first hand? I am not a clinical psychologist and I have no power or saying in this but I had to write thesis and read books by psycholgists and analyze them in high school and my first year of Uni, in order to pass the year and I have also read reccomended books by a psychologist I went to because I wanted an advice on how to deal with my anxiety and talking to people, because my condition is extremely severe but I honestly feel stuck and try to improve but also feel confused, I sometimes feel like I am not doing enough to

self improve as a human. I sometimes come off as too cold or overly bitter and angry without intending to, and it sucks.

Francis is a really manipulative person and Matthew picked up that from him while part of Alfred's agression doesn't only come from confidence in his own abilities but the fact that England him self is an overly agressive person and is very dominant or at least used to be for a very long time, now he is more mild to keep his gentleman persona but he does suffer from severe anger issues which he hides while Alfred is prone to breaking things and screaming, Arthur is more prone to being rude, sarcastic and generally mean before he loses it. Matthew and Francis do not engage in fight if they can avoid it which is why sometimes people call them cowardly I think? And Matthew is a bit prone to being a codependent people pleaser as far as I see and he seems to have severe anxiety issues. Francis albeit charismatic and beautiful, is deep down in his core lonely.

I think that part of his pervertedness, shocking people with his s*xual humour and all of this sex obsession comes from trauma in his childhood and dressing like a girl. I wouldn't explain what the trauma in question was since it is not canon but I do headcanon that he had s*xual trauma and it is partly why Hungary dressed like a guy. I don't know if this is legit, it is bias from reading too much japanese fan comics relating to hetalia or just general history of humans and how they treated consent and what is moral today, wasn't amoral or against the law a few centuries ago, but I have seen artists touch on it. I think both Arthur and Francis suffer from neglect and they weren't particularly good fathers, in fact no country is, the whole FACE family is dysfunctional and while I love all of them, I kinda pity them. I think Rome was a bit discriminatory mostly towards France and never towards his other children while Arthur had to constantly prove him self and was bullied by his brothers. While other nations have suffered from trauma too (I headcanon that Prussia was burnt on stake and people threw rocks at him due to his albinism and being left handed) something similar happened to Arthur, who I headcanon that he was burnt for being a witch and Francis went a few times through the guillotine, or Arthur still having a bullet scar on his arm from the American revolution or Francis having nightmares from that day where Jeanne was burnt and waking up in his own sweat. Arthur also must suffer from workholism and alcoholism, judging by how much he works and goes to pubs to drink. Everyone chooses their own poison and how to cope with life and many use unhealthy coping mechanisms, hell, even I used unhealthy coping mechanisms a lot in the past and I am not proud of them, in fact, I try to improve.

I can talk about their history and how it relates to their mental health and what scars they have for hours but I would bore you. You came for a song and I am probably boring you so I apologize for writting a lot of words, in advance. I basically think that fruk/ukfr is the ultimate ship for many reasons because they click, I do ship spuk/engita/asakiku and many other things but fruk/ukfr is kinda like butter and bread, it is a great combination. I never said it is 100 percent healthy, however their relationship makes psychological sense and their personalities click. I know people like to present arthur as this dumb tsundere man that blushes and says baka, or he is this garbage rat dad that no one likes or francis is presented or at least used to be this perverted sex machine that touched other countries inappropriatly or at least the 2012-2015 fans saw him this way and while he still has the reputation of a pervert, what many young people in the fandom see as disgusting, I just see as an overly lonely man that just happens to have high libido and copes with it by having casual sex and just has a sex humour, the same way some people have fart jokes humour or darker, more cursed humour, I am really glad that fans mostly left off this whole - Francis is a r**ist and will grope you, in the past, because honestly r**e is not joke and as a character he clearly understands consent and boundaries and I don't think someone like him would do such a thing. Also Greece and Turkey have even higher libido than him and sleep around more, yet he is the ''pervert'', I don't get it??????????? but fruk is just so much more than opposites attract, they have a lot in common so I can't say they're full opposites, no one is truly. I have heard people ask why does anyone ship fruk when it is just opposites attract/enemies to lovers trope and I am honestly confused, because that is extremely rough generalization to say the least, it is like saying - All men/women are the same, it is simply wrong/uncorrect. I think they ''married'' five times - The Treaty of Paris (1657) formed an alliance against Spain. The Anglo-French Alliance (1716–31) formed another alliance against Spain. The Anglo-French blockade of the Río de la Plata (1845-1850). The Anglo-French joint invasion of Qing Dynasty (1856–1860). And the last one which is their official marriage The Entente Cordiale (1904) fought together in both World Wars. As far as I remember Francis tried to marry Arthur but he refused and why he refused is up for subjective opinion but I must write a whole thesis on why Fruk/ukfr works so well and people are not here for that, they're here for the music and I will provide. I also always saw Francis as the more gentle and more submissive partner, I just love to see him drawn in frilly beautiful dresses with bows and stuff and Arthur as the more dominant, I mean as a country he was a powerhouse during the 1600s-1800s and used to be a punkrocker, usually rockers are mentally tough and that man is extremely cunning and witty so...people drawing him as this useless baka uwu overly feminine anorexic boy that looks more like a tween rather than a 23 year old guy just assasinated his character in my opinion and it disturbs me but I am just some awkward human on the internet and no one values my opinion anyway because this is the internet and many people nowdays love to have hot takes and try to gain followers through clickbait stuff which sometimes goes out of control and everything just seems more fake and shallow to me, the more old I get.Okay that was my silly rant no one asked about but I feel really passionate about hetalia and Fruk/Ukfr. Anyway, I apologize again for my long rant and going all over the place, please enjoy this playlist

PLAYLIST WITH SONGS THAT REMIND ME OF FRUK/UKFR

1 - Halestorm - Bad romance - rock cover https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ll4NJs3NBIU

2 - Queen - Somebody to love - lyrics https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zj69iA_goIk

3 - ABBA - Voulez vous - (I know everyone chooses Waterloo and while waterloo is a fruk theme, I think Voulez vous works too) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fwcgMVXuBJc

4 - London beat - I've been thinking about you - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ixBryyQSrD8

5 - Santana - Smooth - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Whgn_iE5uc

6 - George Michael - Careless whisper - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=izGwDsrQ1eQ

7 - Robbie Williams - Feel - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iy4mXZN1Zzk

8 - Michael Buble - Feeling good - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Edwsf-8F3sI

9 - Edith Piaf - La vie en rose - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kFzViYkZAz4

10 - Chopin - Marriage d'amour (Spring waltz) - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EFJ7kDva7JE

11 - Vanessa Carlton - A thousand miles - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ERw2LuU6Jj8

[ibringyouasong89]

Self-Awareness Time, Part One:

So I’m reading this article one day, (see article here: https://psych2go.net/6-signs-youll-be-single-forever/), and realize how some of this is true, but also some of it is bullshit. Spoiler Alert: I haven’t had a boyfriend since I was 18.  Is it because I haven’t wanted to be with someone, or be in a relationship, since that one ended? Quite the contrary, actually. I have dreamed, since I was a small child, of a perfect soulmate for me, and that it would be a Disney-movie-ending come true for the rest of my life. Having my first (and since then, only) boyfriend break up with me (so he could go out with my ex-best friend, who in turn, dumped her boyfriend of three years - who was my childhood friend from elementary school - in order to be with him; it was dramatic, stupid, and messy, i.e. we were teenagers who thought they knew themselves but didn’t have a clue) did not, in fact, deter those dreams at all. The problem is that I didn’t learn to love myself. I learned to move on, which is always wonderful, but I didn’t hold myself in any higher esteem than I had before, and while I was with him. It wasn’t a reflection on being with him, but more or less, a reflection of myself and how I saw myself, based on my childhood and certain experiences. Fast forward a couple of years later: my parents are divorced, my father is dead, my childhood friends have disappeared out of my life for the most part, I live with my mother and grandfather (who was close to dying himself), and I am now living in a different state, faraway from everything I know and love and hate everything about this new place. I hated (and still do, for many of these points) the polluted environment, I hated the lack of nature (I moved to a metropolitan-region within the realm of a major city), I hated how crowded it is, I hated how everyone lives on top of one another; I hate the noise, the traffic, and most of all, I hated how alien and out of place I feel. I knew I didn’t belong, but because of finances, and having an ineffective bachelor’s degree (that didn’t come with a lifetime guarantee of having a career, as promised by my parents and elder generations. Though it did come with the nice guarantee of student loans), I was unable to move anywhere else. I was unable to be independent, financially or otherwise, and could do nothing to make my dreams a reality or to improve my life. In short, I was stuck. And hating every minute of it, along with myself. To be fair, I wasn’t an emotionally healthy person to start off with - but I mean, who is by the time they’re 23, 24 years old, and a culminating reflection of time, pressure, past abuse, parental issues, trust issues, abandonment issues, lack of socializing/being ostracized for being different, and self-worth and self-love issues? No one, and I mean, NO ONE, is taught how to love themselves, completely, as a child. I don’t care who raised you or where you grew up. This is a fundamental truth and fact. But I met someone. Lo and behold, there came this divine gift, one day, of someone who was just like me! He didn’t have the same issues as I, but he understood in a general sense (as any individual who has a certain degree of sympathy and empathy can do), and made me feel seen (even if I hated it at times). Someone who, in all honesty, has fundamentally changed me forever. And to think I met him at my job! (i.e. retail). This person...well, I thought he might’ve been THE ONE. I was really, REALLY in love with him. More so than I ever thought I could be with someone.  Our connection was real and based on emotional, mental, and spiritual intimacy (there was none of the physical, which was probably for the best, in the end), and I had never loved anybody before, in the entire history of being connected to family and friends, the way I had loved him. I thought he was truly something special - a gift from the universe that not only allowed to experience this once-in-a-lifetime kind of love, but also because of how OBVIOUS it was that we were meant for each other. (I was so arrogant back then and admit it heartily now). Well, suffice to say, it didn’t end in rainbows-and-sunshine-for-years-to-come. He had already been entering a relationship when I met him, while also having his heart broken by another girl. As the saying goes: wrong place and time. While I was busy pining over him and fantasizing about us being together romantically (after building this incredible connection and deep friendship), he was happily living his life and enjoying his relationship...even though, for a time, he went out of his way to spend time with me and deepen our emotional intimacy further. He told me things about himself, and his life, that he swore he had never told another human being before in his life. But it all came to a grinding halt one day - out of the blue - when he severed our connection with all of the swiftness and severity of a well-placed swing from a sharpened blade. Later he would confess that it wasn’t intentional - it was because he was busy cutting other people out of his life and I got caught up in the “crossfires” of it all via social media and the like *insert eyeroll here* - but that he had also been conscious of my burgeoning feelings for him, and felt “flattered” that I had come to regard him so greatly. He promised to re-open the lines of communication between us again and to be a better friend. Spoiler Alert Part Two: None of these promises were fulfilled. Now, some of you (or whoever reads this long-ass personal post) might say “Well, maybe in knowing about your feelings, THAT was why he didn’t bother talking to you anymore. It made him uncomfortable, especially since he was in a relationship with someone else. He just wanted to make a clean break.” To be completely honest, I was aware of that possibility from the get-go. The problem is that he claimed (during this period of seeking me out and spending quality time with me) his relationship with his girlfriend was “casual.” That he was more than aware that he was her first boyfriend, but that he knew it wouldn’t last. In knowing that, he still pursued a relationship with that girl (though his self-prophecy did come to pass...three years later). Now, there were never any promises made about entering a relationship with ME, as some of you may point out as well. I agree. There are, and never will be, any guarantees when it comes to the heart. Someone who learns to love another is quite capable of also learning how to un-love that same individual, at any time. And hatred, as many know, is not the opposite of love; apathy is its true counterpart.

No, what was truly hurtful was that he knew that truth, honesty, compassion, consideration, and genuineness were core values of mine. Values that I thought he shared...but turned out to be lies when he revealed his regard, or lack-there-of, for me in the end. When he did not confront me over my feelings for him and instead played ignorant for the sake of his own happiness. When he promised that this did not interfere with his ability to be my friend, even after confessing said romantic intentions to him, and probably lying about it all the same. He knew of my past, my issues, and had probably guessed at my level of loneliness and knew about my lack of friends since moving away from my hometown...and didn’t think twice of ditching me, nor of how his sudden “ignorance” about our bond would effect my feelings. That being “one of the guys” was my true status - despite the fact that I have breasts, a vagina, lack a penis, and had never acted in a “masculine way” around him (aside from being intelligent, having common sense, being interested in comic books, music, and movies, having a deep appreciation for classic muscle cars, and a biting sense of sarcasm); i.e. no hanging out in bars with him and his male friends, no doing stupid shit for giggles, no running around in the middle of the night to each other’s houses to smoke pot and drink in the basement, not being into sports and wrestling, recalling the same stupid stories from high school and retelling them, over and over again, along with the same stupid jokes, etc...And I’m not judging any female (or person) who does DO this, or enjoy these things! I’m just simply describing how he, and his friends, acted and what their similar interests are. I was “friend-zoned” (which is a ridiculous phrase, but I can’t think of anything else to describe it as), but was NOT treated like a friend any longer. I was treated like a stranger or an acquaintance that you remember vaguely seeing in the hallways and cafeteria when you attend your high school reunion (that guy who makes you go “Oh, *Insert Name Here*! Omg! How are you?! Wow, it’s been a while! Great to see you lost all that weight! So uh...how’s things?”). In short: I was being gas-lit. For anyone who has experienced this, you have my deepest sympathies and my ear and shoulder, whenever you would like. Of course part of the blame falls on me too: for treating romantic love like a drug I couldn’t live without, for depending on someone too much for my happiness, and for allowing myself to be treated as someone who is less than worthy of real love, respect, consideration, kindness, compassion, and honest, open communication.

So, not only did this guy break my heart, but he also threw me, and our friendship, away like it all meant nothing. It became obvious then that I, and our bond, had never mattered to him at all.  The worst part is that he continued to flirt with me, stringing me along (unknowingly or not), while also maintaining this enforced distance! (Which is also COMPLETELY WRONG TO DO TO ANYONE!) In truth, I think he’s an unaware narcissist who doesn’t realize, on an unconscious level, how manipulative he can really be. It’s sad. But I know, without wishing for it or egging the universe on, that there is a lesson waiting for him in the wings of the cosmos that will enable him to truly understand the lows, and highs, of true personal awareness (if it should come to pass - anything is possible, in any way, shape, or form). But back to the point: In conclusion, my soul was shattered. My heart was a destroyed. I fell into a depression based, not only on this heartbreak, but also my heart being broken by ME. I was so unhappy with everything going on, and not, in my life and it all felt so hopeless and pointless. I could see no path forward, no future for myself, that didn’t result either in me being unhappy or being unstuck. (Hell, even writing about all of this is allowing the phantom pains to rise from their graves in my heart, which makes me realize how much healing, and self-love, I still have to gain). This, however, was the beginning of my awakening for me.

It dawned on me like the rising sun within me that I really SHOULDN’T put stock into having people depended upon so much to MAKE me happy. I should be making MYSELF happy. But then the deepest question, out of the pit of darkness within my soul, arose: Why WASN’T I happy with myself?

[lovesick-kitty]

Hello kittycutysicky 1,2,10,12

1. When did you first realize that something was wrong?

i have always been off, but i really started to notice it around the end of 5th grade. (i think i was around 10 years old?) i was placed into counseling for a short amount of time after i had threatened to kill myself during a fight with my best friend. i was also constantly daydreaming and felt disconnected from my surroundings, everything was really hazy and, at the time, i didn’t know what dissociation was. i had just assumed that everyone felt that way sometimes. I started to realize that most people didn’t actually feel this way. and most people my age didn’t feel suicidal either. that’s when it really clicked that something was wrong.

2. What was your childhood like?

My home life was unstable. my mom divorced my father when i was very young due to his alcoholism. she started seeing a couple other guys and they were very bad people; they mistreated me and my mother. my mom and the people she saw were constantly fighting. i was mistreated by them for most of my childhood. (CPS even got involved a couple times.) We also, as a family, moved around a lot during that time too. In school, i was a good student and managed to get placed into advanced classes, but I didn’t fit in well. I had friends, but I definitely struggled. It wasn’t all bad though, I have many good memories, too! Although my father wasn’t around for very long, I remember he sometimes took me and my older brother to super fun places. I still have the souvenirs from those days. There’s so many other things I could talk about but I don’t wanna write too much!

10. What are three myths about BPD that people need to understand- and three hard truths about BPD?

Myths:

Borderlines are just dramatic

BPD isn’t that serious/not a valid diagnosis

People with BPD are manipulative and only want attention

Hard Truths:

Borderlines experience emotions far more intensely than the average person. While spiked emotions may just appear “dramatic” from an outside perspective, the emotions are very real for the person experiencing them. They can be so painful that many people with bpd turn to escape methods/try to numb the pain by using methods such as drugs, alcohol, deliberate self-harm, etc. Telling a borderline they are “just being dramatic” invalidates what they are going through.

BPD is a severe condition that can require treatment; neglecting care for the disorder can be severely harmful. Suicide rates among borderlines are extremely high, with 10% of borderlines dying from suicide (this is 50% higher than the general population)

The idea that people with BPD are manipulative and only want attention is a very negative and harmful stigma. People with BPD feel emotions more intensely than the average person, and, many people diagnosed with BPD also struggle with depression, anxiety disorders, substance abuse, and eating disorders, among other things. While some borderlines behave in toxic ways (especially in media representation), they do not represent everyone else with the disorder or even the majority.

12. Can you please explain how your BPD has taken control over your life- please list and describe three main areas for someone that is not well educated on this disorder.

Interpersonal Relationships - Everyone experiences the disorder differently. In my case, I struggle a lot with attachment and emotional dependency. I always seem to end up with a “FP” (favorite person). FPs, for people with BPD, are people - or, a person, whom they have an emotional dependency on. FPs can make or break our days and it’s usually a roller coaster of emotions to have a FP. I can be having a great day and be in a great mood, but notice my FP left a message on read, and spiral downhill for the rest of day as a result. I know it’s irrational to think and feel this way, so I try my best to never bring it up or act on it during our interactions. However, I can’t stop feeling these intense emotions over my FP’s words and actions that should not bother me. To give some more examples, it can also be things like, a shift in tone in their voice, them spending time with other friends, talking to me less than normal, even just being busy with life! These things lead to me spending hours in bed because of the intensity of my emotions, self-harming, and I used to have a problem with alcohol. There is honestly so, so much more to this but I don’t wanna write too much.

Sense of Identity - I dont really know who I am; my interests and goals can shift rapidly. I’ll find a new hobby and think i’m passionate about it, only to get bored and lose interest soon after. I’ll pick out a career path, and think “this is it!! this is what i’ll do with my life!!” and change my mind the next day. I don’t know what I’m passionate about, I don’t know what I want for my future, it’s always changing and i get discouraged easily. I don’t understand who I am as a person, i pick up characteristics and viewpoints from my friends or even characters i admire, but I don’t know how much of it is actually “me”, especially since these characteristics can sometimes conflict with each other, if that even makes sense?. My image of myself is usually distorted in some way. Body Dysmorphia is another common symptom of BPD and it involves obsessing over perceived flaws in appearance. One example is that I weigh 85 pounds and once I start to get close to 90, I start eating an unhealthily low amount to maintain the 85. Another thing that affects my self image is “black and white thinking”. it’s the inability to see both the good and bad in something, you either see “all good” or “all bad”. so sometimes I think of myself as an a great person, an angel even. other days, i hate myself more than you can imagine. This sort of thinking also applies to the way i sometimes view other people, not just the way i view myself, and this relates more to #1- I often switch between idealizing and idolizing somebody i’m close to, and devaluing them. One day they are a saint and nothing less, but after something minor, they are suddenly a monster of a human being. and it can go back and forth. (this is also called splitting) It’s an awful way of thinking, but i’ve learned to recognize it and I try not to act on these thoughts- managing and rationalizing them is key!  

Day to Day Life - As somebody who is unmedicated, not in therapy, and living in a toxic environment, i struggle. Because my mood can shift so easily, I can never really trust myself to be okay. I have moments, or sometimes even days, where i’m beaming with joy and i accomplish a lot, and tell myself i can do this everyday. but i always end up crashing back down. or, i just lay in bed for hours feeling drained, unmotivated, and incapable of accomplishing things. 

There is so much more that I didn’t get into, but i covered a couple important things! If you actually read this all the way through- thank you so much for taking the time to listen to my thoughts- this is something that I don’t really talk about, most of my friends and even the people im closest to don’t know too much; i just don’t talk about it often, so im glad to share my experiences and thoughts on this ♡

[yaidenpart-blog]

Writing Dark Themes

Some stigma circulates around writers who tackle dark subjects regularly. Those writers tend to be treated a bit, well, like they're gonna pull out the fangs anytime and suck your blood. Today I'll talk about this stigma, approaching dark subjects in fiction in general, and my thoughts on Writing Dark Themes (And Why You Shouldn't Be Ashamed to Do so).

In preparation for this post, I read a dozen analyses, studies, and an absurd amount of psychology articles so I wouldn't show up empty handed and stupid. Though to be honest, the only thing that deep dive resulted in for me is dry eyes and a giant headache. Therefore, while I may build some arguments on top of the things I've researched, I'll use my own experiences to wing a big part of it.

So let's get started.

1. What Draws Us to Dark Subjects

What draws us towards dark themes? To reach a satisfying conclusion I first have to determine what exactly is included in 'dark themes' in this case. I'll mainly talk about the content matter of fiction, not equated to but also not divorced from the literary term 'theme’ describing the underlying meaning of a work. Basically, I'll fudge both together because to me they have always been inseparable in writing.

Since violence and disturbing motifs (such as abuse, gore, disturbing sexual content etc.) traditionally play a prominent role in the horror and thriller genres I'll center my attention on those. Though I'll also take care to explore dark themes in a broad sense applicable to other genres as well.

Various factors play a part in making the dark appealing to us, one being the human desire to peek behind the curtain and rob our fears of their power. By facing them in a safe, controlled environment we can stare right into their yellow eyes and desensitize ourselves. And through that, perhaps, gain the confidence to face these fears in reality as well.

Another one is catharsis. Some folks enjoy disturbing media as a healthy, secure outlet for their forestations. It lets their lizard brains bare their teeth without actually biting anyone, like a puppy play fighting.The public hanging of old, we as a western society used to love so, is now replaced with violent TV and fiction. Just. You know. With the difference of fiction not actually hurting anyone. And hanging making people dead. Yep.

Some people watch horror movies for the adrenaline rush, and write fiction which lets their readers experience the same, as a meta-analysis of the studies about mediated fight (1) confirmed,“Evidence also emerged that sensation seeking is associated with a greater enjoyment of fright and violence, which was consistent with other research [...]”

And of course, there's nothing wrong with any of that. But for me, personally, it has always been for the sake of exploration, of seeking to connect with humanity, to bridge the good things we are and the outright gruesome into a cohesive whole. While still keeping a layer of distance between reality to keep it safe.

So a fear of becoming homeless turns into monster stalking you and blocking the entry of your workplace every morning. Kind of a cheesy example, but you get the gist.

Writing provides us with a channel to explore those fears, to cut them down into pieces and hold against the light.

To understand them.

But that's just me.

Now we've cleared up why we're drawn to it, the question remains: Why should you integrate dark themes into your writing?

2. Benefits to Your Writing

Not to tap into a cliche, but, light doesn't exist without dark. You can't define the one without the glaring contrast of the other as a counterpart.

When you try to write a story that is completely pure, you'll end up with a flat mimicry of reality. Not to say you can't write a positive feel-good story, but it's like with GCI buildings in movies. Without a bit of scratch, they're not convincing. They don't feel real.

Imagine you add a hint of darkness to your story. May that be in the characterization, a breath held too long as your MC has to calm themselves down, a glance too harsh to be gentle from an old person across the street, moments of awkwardness when someone accidentally breaks a topic all present silently agreed to never talk about. Or in basic world building, monotone news voices droning on about crimes, tagged houses, and playgrounds where no child sets a foot on anymore.

Details like these may seem inconsequential, but they can roughen a story up just enough to make it into something raw.

To bring it to life.

Human experience doesn't only consist of roses and love triangles. A writer who keeps that in mind and works it in their stories in a respectful, emphatic way, possess a certain edge. In my opinion.

The key to writing dark themes, especially when you want them to be the focus of your story, is to approach them like peeling onions. Shhh, hear me out, I'll explain.  

Let's tell a story about hmm … a vampire. This is just an example, okay?

So we got a superficial plot of a teenager waking up with bloodlust gnawing at his gumps. Fairly simple. This is the surface layer.

To go deeper we have to peel off another one, we need to look at how he deals with the conflict we created (the vampirism).This is the reaction layer. At first, he freaks out and then resigns himself to starving because he'd rather scratch up his own arms than hurt someone else. His quick acceptance tells us he's both a nice kid and used to being screwed over by life.

When we go to the next layer, we realize why he's used to it. This one I like to call the core, it's what ties the dark theme together with characterization.

The relationship with his parents is strained, they demand nothing but outstanding performances outside inside and out of school while simultaneously neglecting him emotionally and physically. He has to deal with them sucking the life out of him on top of his newly acquired vampirism doing the same. Of course, depending on how you're inclined, you could spin this thread into a dramatic end scene of him cracking under the pressure and sucking their blood out in return, or he spares them after he learned he has a right to companionship and food and munches on squirrels or something. Whichever scenario you prefer.

So you see, the emotional core we've unveiled is is him feeling undeserving of basic human needs. And it affects how he deals with both the vampirism and abuse, one being a simple metaphor for the other.

Every theme has several layers, and once at the core, it's time to rebuild your story and make every element match accordingly. If you want. What matters is you can dig to a real, raw humanity through your dark subject and that's to me, the truly impactful aspect of dark fiction.

But unfortunately, not everyone gets it. You probably made the experience of relatives and friends judging your writing at some point, maybe even when you were just writing 'normal’ stuff. Golly, you think, when they're like this now, how badly would they react once you put all that saucy vampirism in? The thought doesn't bear contemplating.

Why exactly though, are dark themes such a taboo for some people that they get 'concerned' about your mental wellbeing when you preoccupy yourself with them?

3. Why Others Judge but You (still) Shouldn't be Ashamed

People, in general, love simple concepts. Like father, like son. You are what you wear.

The media you consume defines you.

Pushing people into tiny neat boxes is tempting because it's so damned easy. It doesn't require much thought, and as we all know, thinking hurts. So it's no surprise most writers of dark content, especially horror writers, face a certain... judgment. When you consume dark content you're branded as a bit weird, when you create it you might as well be the devil.

That's a bit of an exaggeration, but you get my drift.

Though what to do when someone cocks an eyebrow at your work, besides walking away or telling them to screw off? Well- that's what you got me for. I dived deep into research so you can refute anything people will throw at you with solid facts (should for whatever reason basic common sense not be enough) and maybe quieten some of your own worries.

Most studies and articles I found were more about violent video games (since that seems to be a Hotly Debated Topic™), but I figure it serves a similar service as violent books and movies.

Already 2011 studies which supported the outcome of aggression being a causation of violent media have been rejected by the US Supreme Court in the Brown v EMA (2), stating, “These studies have been rejected by every court to consider them, and with good reason: They do not prove that violent video games cause minors to act aggressively (which would at least be a beginning). Instead, “[n]early all of the research is based on correlation, not evidence of causation, and most of the studies suffer from significant, admitted flaws in methodology.”  

And studies 2016 and more recently have only further affirmed that decision, finding no relation between violent video games and increasing aggression (3) and not supporting any prior studies.

These prior studies had been, well, manipulated is such an ugly word. Let’s go with: primed to fit the desired outcome.

Some actually legit studies analyzed media history from 2005 to 2012 and showed an obvious decline of general social violence in connection to the introduction of more violent media︀ (4), implying violent media serves as a sort of catharsis for the modern western world, stating,”We find no evidence of an increase in crime associated with video games and perhaps a decrease.”

Puh, now we got these dry as desert facts out of the way -

Honesty, writing about dark or disturbing things is not a thing to be ashamed of, watching violent media doesn't turn you violent (assuming you're a person capable of differentiating between fiction and reality) and writing about it certainly doesn't mean you're sick.

We as humans aren’t perfect and pure, so common sense dictates the things we create are neither. Writing about the whole scope of human experiences can only benefit you.

So go on and fly my little bird, further your horizons and write some dark fiction.

That's all I have for you today, I'd love to hear your thoughts and maybe get a discussion going!

See ya in two weeks,

Yaiden Part.

**

Sources:

1.Hoffner C, Levine K. Enjoyment of Mediated Fright and Violence: A Meta-Analysis, MEDIA PSYCHOLOGY, 7, 207–237 Copyright © 2005, Lawrence Erlbaum Associates, Inc.

2.McCarthy R, Coley S, Wagner M, et al. Does playing video games with violent content temporarily increase aggressive inclinations? A pre-registered experimental study. J Exp Soc Psychol.

3.Brown v EMA, 564 US 08-1448 (2011).

4.Cunningham S, Engelstatter B, Ward M. Violent video games and violent crime. Southern Economic Journal

[ion0ra]

Story Time

So, as a lot of you who've ever seen my family posts will understand, they're pretty messed up. Like, there's lighter things from just bad jokes, to things like full-on bigotry and abuse.

I wanna lay it all out, because I was thinking about it and wanted to get it off my chest.

So, there are 3 kinds of messed up with my parents, all their own special brew of abusive and neglectful.

So, you have my mother. She seems like a typical Southern mom on the surface. You can see her at church. At Wal-Mart. Dresses kinda trashy. Big & loud hair, and bad teeth. But if you knew her for longer than a week, you started to get this vibe from her you couldn't quite put your finger on until you REALLY knew her.

She's one of the few people I genuinely hate in this world. Growing up, she called me names (to my face) like "fat," "stupid," and other such names, and constantly verbally demeaned, bullied, and abused me (she'd constantly "joke" about things she disapproved of, sometimes even so far as to physically do things to me I'd rather not discuss publicly; she'd withhold information from me constantly, the list goes on. When my parents were talking about getting divorced, she took me to the Taco Bueno/Raising Cane's parking lot shortly after my birthday and told me and made me choose right then and there who I wanted to live with (which is a whole other emotional experience.)) She'd do things from her "jokes," to the "punishment" she came up with where every time I said something she didn't like, she'd slap my face.

Point blank. Didn't matter where or when it was, she did it. More often than not, it was whenever she felt like.

And then there was the privacy invasions. At first, it seemed logical (for someone who's grown up like that) that she saw everything. All my game accounts were linked to hers, and she knew my school-assigned email address (they used it to help teach us about "the real world".) I wasn't allowed to have a phone until age 13, which she could go through any time she wanted.

She'd punish me for whatever she wanted, whenever she wanted, however she wanted. One summer (and this was in Texas, in an area where it gets particularly hot/humid) she locked me out of the house all day (from 9 until about 6 or 7 at night, whenever she decided to get back,) and told me I wasn't allowed back inside (she would contest that because she only forbade me from entering, and told my older sister and two stepsisters I was allowed exactly 1 five-minute bathroom break all day and to tie me down outside if I needed to be, that she "technically" didn't lock me out) until she got back. I wasn't allowed any food, and had to drink from a dirty ass hose. I wasn't allowed to accept help from anyone, and my sisters weren't allowed to take food outside to me. She got home that evening and made me go straight to bed, then said I "hadn't learned anything" and made me do it all over again. I literally went 48 straight hours without food during that time.

The thing she was "punishing" me for? My dog had decided it wanted to lay down while I was taking it for a walk and got his belly a little red and some dirt on it.

Point is, knowing my mother, she was out-right abusive. Case #1 for abusive parents. From her, trust issues and paranoia got amplified, but those are whole other stories.

My dad and stepmom, on the other hand, were more into the manipulative side of things (my dad resorting to getting physical "if need be.")

My dad looks like a quirky guy on the outside. Tall, bald, tattooed. If you meshed with him, you'd get along swimmingly. Otherwise, you were me.

At first, I didn't notice his bigotry (I mean how could I? I was basically a smaller version of him, but not quite.) It wasn't until I'd gotten on Tumblr (about 2010 ish was when I first got on? If I remember correctly) and started questioning basically everything about myself when I started recognizing the subtler things, and it was definitely apparent when my older sister moved in with us.

At the time, she'd left my mom's house (because she'd gotten to her, too) and I was about 14-15. I found out before my parents did that she was actually transgender (and went by he/him pronouns, had a support group, etc.) I was like "oh cool I've always wanted an older brother" but the condition was I not tell my parents until it had already been brought up.

Now... Especially with my dad, he'll say he'll support someone he cares about unconditionally, but if you do something he doesn't agree with, he'll either get... Apprehensive, or just straight-up drop you. When he found out about my older brother, he basically bullied "the phase" (as my dad called it) out of him. It officially ended with a Christmas story that actually involves my stepmom.

Anyways, that's where I started finding out that even though he claimed to be unconditionally supportive, he wasn't.

Long story short, had a Tumblr and a support group, they found out about it, literally took everything away from me and invaded my privacy on literally all my accounts, told me I was "being enabled" because I had friends who'd sent me positivity during a barage of Anon hate, wouldn't even listen to me when I tried to explain how I literally didn't know how some of the stuff that was on there wasn't me (someone has gained access to my account and basically started up a sideblog that let's just say a 14-year-old shouldn't even look at, much less have,) tried to get me to tell them "the whole truth" and when I came out about my sexuality had to bottle it up again and act like it was "just a phase" because of how they reacted, and over the course of the next 5 years tried to invade my privacy as much as they possibly could. (Hell, even today, my dad still has my old email account on his phone to "check on it")

He's the kinda guy who would physically restrain me from doing something, then claim I voluntarily didn't do it. The list goes on.

My stepmother was arguably one of the most manipulative people I ever knew. Anti-vaxxer (to the point that she signed a consent form saying neither of my little sisters could get immunization shots from their schools and when asked about it, shrugged it off and was like "they don't need them," but there was more), terf bangs, the whole shebang. Would constantly goad people, then when someone called her out on it acted like she was the victim. Got my dad to yell at me/restrain me because I was "being too aggressive" trying to not have a panic attack because she was yelling. Got the word "ridiculous" banned in the house (yes, literally banned.) So, so much more.

She'd constantly demean me and talk down to me and about me, tell my sister's they didn't have to listen or pay attention to me, and when I brought it up to my dad/publicly, she'd simply act confused and say she didn't know what I was talking about, or that I was misremembering (a common tactic my mother used that my dad and stepmom hated.) One time, my dad actually asked me if she turned into my mother when she was gone, and I paused for a moment and was like "I mean yeah." (Don't ask how that resolved.)

She was the kind of woman who would slap you in the face and then talk to you long enough to try to convince you that you were never actually slapped in the face (unlike my mom, who would and would just tell you you deserved it.) This was the woman who, when my older sister's friend asked how her son was doing, almost caused a scene by loudly stating that her "daughter was doing just fine and I'll let her know that you were thinking about her." (Mind you this friend didn't know that my older brother was trans. This friend only knew him as he, and once even when I slipped up they didn't seem to notice it.)

All my parents would constantly demand someone access my email, messages, and history at any given point. I had friends who I talked to about this that I was scared shitless my parents would find out about because I didn't wanna lose them. I made so many accounts to cover my tracks I've literally lost access to a lot of them because I just can't remember the login details. My parents constantly told me "if you're hiding something that means you know it's bad" out of the blue, keeping me in a constant state of paranoia.

One time, I'd accidentally left my phone in my room and my dad walked in and stayed in for an abnormally long amount of time. I didn't go in because I knew they would definitely see that as a sign something was up, and just rode out my anxiety until my dad walked out, a hand in his pocket. He made this dramatic deal of calmly saying "Now... You know the rules... I'll forgive you this time, but next time will be worse... Especially after what's happened before..." And I was freaking the fuck out. He looked at me and laughed as he pulled a candy wrapper out of his pocket. He said he chose those words specifically because he wanted to see what kind of reaction he'd get out of me.

There are so many other examples I could bring up that I don't have the time or emotional energy to all in one post, but it breaks my heart there are still people who don't believe there are people like this out there. I once had a guy ask "well if your mom's that bad how come she's not in prison?" And my reply was simple: "Because she can cover herself up well." Parents like this are out there. People like this are out there. Please don't let this be your relationships in any fashion because you don't deserve it.

tl;dr: parental abuse and violations take many different forms. If you have any parents or people you know like this, as soon and as safely as you can, get the fuck out. They may only damage you permanently even worse.

The post that got me thinking about all this over the last emotion-charged hour and a half: https://freckledfemme.tumblr.com/post/169530766178/omgwhy-bpdcalvinfischoeder-staar84

[lovingjolex]

The hate that Jo continues to get, especially from casual viewers, makes me so sad. They go as far as hoping that her husband finds and beats her to death.

I know this is just fiction but Grey’s Anatomy isn’t a supernatural tv show, it’s a show that represents reality. And if people can show so much hatred towards a fictional character for the stupidest reasons (I’m sorry, but hating on her because of Alex beating up Deluca isn’t okay in my opinion because Alex is a grown man responsible for his own actions who would’ve beaten up Deluca even if there was no secret husband Jo kept from him, since the husband wasn’t why Alex beat up Deluca) then I don’t think they can use “calm down, it’s not like she’s a real person” as an excuse when people tell them that their opinions are plain disgusting and misogynistic.

And there are so many disgusting misogynistic people in the world; women, who can’t show an ounce of sympathy for someone like Jo. Who call her a crybaby when she’s been trying to act like she’s fine and be strong for weeks. 

Is what she’s doing healthy? No. But she’s an orphan without any family who never had people to rely on so she’s trying to deal with everything that overwhelms her on her own. Even in her scene with Owen in the end when he asked her if there was anything he could do for her she didn’t whine to him, she just let her tears out at the end of a day after a case that hit too close to home. And then thanked him and went home. Into a loft where she lives alone, I wouldn’t be surprised if she had nightmares of her own husband after this. And the worst thing is that she’s been dealing with this trauma on her own for years because she didn’t feel it was safe to tell anyone. Doesn’t that make you feel the slightest bit bad for her? Maybe I’m too compassionate but it breaks my heart to think of someone who has been facing neverending dread and terror for years. Who feels like everything she built for herself can be taken away from her again at any second.

She’s not whining, she’s trying her best to just move on in her life and do her job. We’re not seeing her try to get back together with Alex and it wouldn’t surprise me if Jo told him in the upcoming episodes that he’s better off without her and her baggage, very much like what haters say about her. People call her whiny the moment she opens her mouth to somehow mention something about her past, even if she’s talking about it in a normal way just to find common ground with an incarcerated patient she’s treating. That was not whining, it was an attempt at bonding, but yet people just had to hate on her for it as well.

I don’t know why other characters are allowed to bitch and moan and complain as much as they want to, about the most simple things, and nobody ever calls them annoying or whiny, but Jo gets hated on no matter what she does, but I don’t find this hate normal or acceptable anymore.

If you don’t ship her with Alex, then don’t ship her with him. If you want to criticize her writing, I’m the first to admit that it’s been very messy due to the fact that Shonda doesn’t seem to give a fuck about her. I also happily admit that she made mistakes, but she’s not the first character to do so. Alex, whom we all love now, has done some really crappy things over the years. Meredith messed up too. Everyone did. And not everyone always faces consequences for their actions either, the contrary. Characters get away with things they do wrong most of the time.

So don’t get me wrong, I get it when people aren’t big Jo fans or don’t like her much. There were certain BTS issues in season 11 that played into season 12 that influenced the writing for Jo, resulting in her being ignored, especially professionally (she still has no mentor and nobody even bothers to give her one), not having many ties to other characters etc. Plus the writers always seem to view her as an afterthought thanks to her not being related to anyone and being a resident (and a straight white female, I guess? But straight white males get more than she does so I can’t really view that as an excuse).

So while I get that one might not like Jo much, I have absolutely no understanding for this insane amount of hate she gets. And when I look at people’s reasons for hating on her, most of the time they don’t even make sense because people twist facts, remember things wrong and accuse her of things she hasn’t done or that weren’t her intention.

I just felt like writing this after reading some very disturbing comments about how Jo should be killed by her husband. I bet when he comes to the show people will all love him. Camilla said that the writers told her that he’s very charming. If he’s good-looking too, then I can only imagine how people will immediately gush over him and side with him over Jo. Despite him being an abusive, manipulative bastard. Because it’s what society does, they do it with attractive celebrities who beat their partners, cutting them slack because they’re handsome, famous and popular.

They will probably love Jo’s husband and will want him to beat her to death, because I’ve read those kind of comments too, about how he should finish what he started. And as I will keep reading comments like those I will continue being disgusted by this fandom. As someone who has a DV victim in her family, I’ve been incredibly upset by the comments I saw everywhere over the past months. I can only imagine what domestic abuse victims themselves think when they see them.

Yes, Jo Wilson is just a fictional character, but the things that happened to her happen to real people everyday. Domestic violence ends in death so many times. Most women don’t ever find the courage to run away and change their lives and they endure their abusive partners for a lifetime, too scared to file for divorce. Those who do are unfortunately often killed afterwards too, even despite restraining orders. And even those who can get away from their partners and don’t have to fear being found and killed like Jo does still have to deal with the psychological trauma their partners inflicted on them for the rest of their lives.

If Jo Wilson gets killed by her husband on the show, that won’t affect anyone in real life because she’s just a fictional character. But is that what we would want for a real life domestic abuse victim? There are so many Jos out there who do get killed, and if Jo Wilson’s story can inspire one scared woman in real life to seek help and get the hell away from her abuser and start a new life under a new name, isn’t that worth telling her story? 

That’s why her story shouldn’t end with her being found and killed by her husband just because some viewers have this opinion engraved into their brains that she’s whiny and annoying (and from what I see, most of them are only so harsh towards her because she and Meredith don’t have a good relationship, which sure as hell wasn’t Jo’s fault but whatever) and will probably never change their minds about her no matter what happens. 

Her story should show us that domestic abuse victims can get the hell away, can start a new life, are allowed to find happiness, are allowed to start a family with the man they love because falling in love again after what happened to them is already a huge deal. Without being shamed for wanting children despite being on the run, without being shamed for not being able to legally marry the person they want to marry so badly. Without being shamed for going into a relationship with someone in the first place (If I had a dollar for everytime I read “she had no business starting a relationship with Alex when she was married the whole time”). Marrying a man who turned out to be an abusive asshole who made your life hell shouldn’t mean that you are never allowed to love and be happy again. But according to a huge part of the Grey’s Anatomy fandom it does. 

I don’t want anyone to love Jo just because she’s a domestic violence victim, or rather survivor, I want people to see how socially important characters like her are and how necessary it is to tell her story. And not just in regards of this issue. She also represents foster children who never got adopted and homeless people. I hate that the writers keep making her say that she lived in her car without further explanation, but having to live in a car and being scared of being hurt or killed by people who want to break into it isn’t a joke, no matter what a shitty job the writers do at shedding light on homelessness. And frankly, I want to be able to read comments about this show without wanting to cry tears of despair about what a fucked up victim-shaming, woman-hating society we have. Even if she were the most whiny and annoying character in TV history, she still doesn’t deserve to be killed by her abuser and she still deserves to be able to get her life back and find peace. 

Nobody should have to live in constant fear for the rest of their lives. And despite having one of the biggest pile of human garbage as their viewers / fans I have ever seen, I have hope that Grey’s Anatomy will do Jo Wilson right. Even if it’s just this once.