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britneyshakespeare · 1 month ago

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Had the extremely upsetting experience of a mutual of like 6 years going off on me for occasionally making posts about supporting Harris because apparently that makes me a g n cide denier who refuses to learn and grow, with all of my views just being assumed not even from what I've told them I believe or what I've posted before, but just because I DON'T post particularly the kind of things they THINK I should be. When I pointed out how much they were just completely assuming about stuff I'd never talked to them about, I was told it doesn't matter what I do in real life or "care" about if I simply disagree with their conclusion and vote for her anyway. Like they were absolutely not sorry for the level of maliciousness they not just assumed of my character, but for some reason thought appropriate to bring directly to me before unfollowing me. No apology whatsoever for how discomforting or upsetting that might be and certainly no acknowledgment that I could disagree with them and still be a good person. I just got another even longer rant about how they fundamentally can't fuck with me because of this one thing, no matter WHAT else I do in my real life (which I pointed out that they do not know), and how I'm directly supporting fascism.

Like seriously what is it about Tumblr that makes people think they know someone based off of occasional posts? There were just such DEEP assumptions they were making of me and going off of very little or absolutely nothing. Around the time I first became mutuals with that person I used to express my personality and beliefs and talk about what was going on in my life a lot more openly, but I've significantly scaled back on doing that in many ways for many reasons. One of my major ones is privacy and the way I've had strangers outside my followers and following circles just find random things I say and dogpile me for it. I was fundamentally changed after some T Fs did that to me like 3 years ago. I also just didn't have many conversations w that person anymore (I message people in general on here like 10x less than I did circa 2018-2019, which I'm somewhat sorry about!). My point is to say I think this person felt comfortable assuming that they knew me, especially who I am in 2024 at the age of 25, much better than they actually did.

One of the specific things they accused me of was being afraid of learning and growing (because I don't perform social media activism on here like they think I should). Like AFRAID to take criticism. When again I've never received criticism from them or had to respond to any criticism on here before as pertaining to my views on... well, absolutely any of the issues they accused me of not caring about. They essentially treated it as if the only thing in the world I cared about was the US election and characterized me as the most out-of-touch liberal they could possibly imagine, because I'm not "pushing" Kamala Harris to be better (Oh?? Should I do that on here?? Does she read my blog??).

And most hypocritically what they said was that I only *sometimes* *vaguely* post pro-Harris things (I often post like 5 or fewer things in a day though?). But here's the kicker. "Because I know I'll get shit for it. And rightfully so."

Really????? Not a single person, anon or not, in my messages or in a tagged post or anything, has ever given me shit before for saying who I'm voting for. I'm actually NOT afraid of "getting shit" for that opinion, I just don't start fights with people who are anti-voting. And why should I??? I genuinely don't believe in trying to change the minds of strangers on the internet about that sort of thing. I'm just not confrontational about it; that is so not the same thing as being "afraid of getting shit." I'm not posting ENOUGH about my support for Harris, therefore I'm afraid. But therefore they can also make all these assumptions about me being their strawman for an ignorant Harris supporter.

I'm afraid of getting shit but I still post anyway? But if I weren't afraid of getting shit I'd be posting a lot more?? This is ALL based on their assumptions of what my blog *should* look like, based on what I really and truly believe. My level of posting every now and then is an accurate gauge of my feelings on complex, sensitive, global issues. Because I'm voting for the Democratic presidential candidate and I'm ok sharing pretty much just that little glimpse of myself.

I really don't think that person knows just how inappropriate and insulting that is to just say all of that to me. Like they really know what's going on in my head. Their first message began and ended with like "I'm sorry I love you I just can't take it anymore" but they clearly weren't sorry enough to try and be more respectful to me, and they didn't love me enough not to default to extremely ungenerous assumptions and attacking me based off of those instead of any actual words I've said that they take issue with.

Online radicalization is real and it's not necessarily bad because your political views can start to fall well out of the contemporary Overton window. The way you find it appropriate to treat people whose views, however common, seem to fundamentally misalign with yours... that does matter. You can't just assume the worst of everyone and then act on that in how you approach them as individuals. And then be shocked that you don't stay friends with them. You can't be confrontational with someone about an issue you've never had an honest conversation about, and then expect them to take your bad faith in them as reasonable well-meaning criticism.

I'm afraid of criticism??? I'm afraid of criticism. No I'm not. This person and I have never had an issue before where they criticized me and I got harshly defensive. It was ALL projection. The entire tone of their messages was as if all their anti-voting posts recently were somehow in communication with the occasional go-vote-for-Harris posts that I make. That's not a conversation. I don't post for your satisfaction. I don't post in "response" to my mutuals I disagree with. I just post what's on my mind, sometimes, about some things. I really again can't stress enough how baffled I am by this

#tales from diana #long post #this is not really a post about voting this is a post about online etiquette #i also remember that this person at one point when we were teenagers had a crush on me #so they might have somewhat idealized me or maybe just had respect for the good times #good conversations we had over the years etc #i still held them in regard even though some of their anti-voting posts i took serious issue w #again i really don't care to argue w ppl against voting bc really i mainly only disagree w that one conclusion #the systemic critiques that were made in those posts i don't think make them bad ppl #i sympathize w why someone might think that way #i just cannot pretend that i think nothing changes if we have dt as president again #i can't act as if im not anxious at the state of the world we're in where we're seriously at risk of that #i don't have that same level of concern about harris. i don't. i don't think theyre the same #i think they diverge in so many meaningful ways but im usually not writing detailed long thoughtful posts about it #do i have to??? for TUMBLR?? id rather not...#but i don't wish to be confronted as if these are nuances i MUST not hold in my opinion #can't stress enough they were basically calling me a g n cide denier like that's just a cool ok thing to do #i have literally never made a post about ppl not voting for harris bc of the war in gaza #i specifically haven't not because im 'afraid' but bc i don't believe in comparing those 2 things #there was gonna be a presidential election this year anyway and there does not have to be this war #if u think dems aren't doing well enough on the war for u to vote for them. i can't argue w u #but i was always going to vote anyway #again im afraid of getting shit?? ONLY this person has EVER given me shit until now #im not pushing harris enough? how tf do u know that? bc im not reblogging ill-informed posts from ppl like u?#im not PUSHING this woman running for president enough bc im not writing critical posts she and her advisers will never see #about how im threatening to withhold my vote from them. something id never honestly do considering the opposition #they kept stressing to me to about how they weren't a trump supporter when *i* never said as much to them #i do agree that not voting for harris 'supports' trump in that it benefits him overall #but i don't attack ppl who just aren't voting in that way. ok?#damn i hate being on the defensive like this

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tariah23 · 2 months ago

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It’s always crazy to see black celebs spew this same rhetoric because it’s such a privileged take… like, they’ve been famous for so long and have gotten their money up, moved out of the projects or whatever tf, that they’ve forgotten what it’s like to be genuinely feel. It’s impossible for them to connect anymore. As far as the qrt, oh wow ☠️.

#it’s always the same shit with these negros bro #like even recently with lil Wayne and all of these idiots crying about the Super Bowl and how he didn’t get chosen to perform #and you got idiots like Nicki and others going on about ‘taking opportunities away from a young black man-‘ (the nigga is in his 40’s bro)#despite Kendrick being younger…. and as a black person why not just be happy for another instead of trying to use race and guilt trip peopl #into caring about you over another black person when it’s convenient for you #because i remember when this dude used to say that he doesn’t care about blm or politics and he’s getting money #and that it doesn’t affect him so why should he care? now you’re crying about opportunities being taken away from you as a black man #I’m getting off topic but it’s the same sentiments similar to what Pharrell’s coon ass is saying #he’s always been one actually #rambling #whenever someone goes on about being apolitical they’re already not worth listening to #especially since politics shapes our entire lives like do you not care about what will happen to you #and what’s happening to people across the seas and in other countries like what is the real reason why sm ppl chose to play apolitical #I don’t want anyone around me if I can’t talk about politics with them or know where they stand as far as politics go #at the end of the day who cares about what a celeb has to say on politics since #I always go back to that one section in Dave Chappell standup (I know this was before he became what he is today… he was so normal back #then holy shit🗿) where he was taking about how ppl are super private about their politics and also #him going on about how ‘who tf cares about what ja rule thinks’#😭…. that’s literally it!!!#but to an extent it’s relalr dangerous to see ppl with such gigantic platforms and notoriety spew shit like this as if it’s normal #it only helps tp further push anti intellectualism and so on #like how are you an adult and you don’t care about politics #that’s embarrassing

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transmechanicus · 2 years ago

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“I’ll be fine i just need to uhhhhhhh idk kill” but like…what if i did haha

#my stuff #dear diary and the several thousand mfs who can see it. Despite arguably good academic performance today feels like a bad day #bc i skipped lab to take a nap #and i feel lonely and incapable of connecting more than superficially with my classmates #like i can talk to them and i do and we get along well but i never…hang out w em #or at least not as much as they seem to without me #it’s not a malicious thing i think a huge part of it is groups of ppl living or working in the same space #and i’m in a different lab building than a lot of ppl #idk…struggling to find anything that sparks joy. unable to see the future with optimism #it’s just day after day of Job where i’ll beat myself up on weekends if i don’t do Even More Work #bc that’s the nature of grad school. always homework or literature review to do like i give a shit abt the latter #i don’t care what other people are doing i don’t wanna obsessively comb through journals to make sure i’m doing Brand New Shit #i want it to stop #i don’t want to read anymore. i don’t wanna have to worry about my job outside of work.#i want to cry and scream and #like i don’t wanna quit after i worked so hard to get here #i don’t wanna wuss out #but i’m always tired. i’m never rested or relaxed or truly enjoying myself #why is this only hard for me…how tf is everyone else able to read and remember and understand this much??#like yeah maybe i should be on adhd meds but those are fuckin spensive and a pain in the ass to get #i’m tired of being tough #i want to curl into a ball and be told it’s going to be okay and that i can rest and have it not be a lie or a half measure

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dutybcrne · 6 months ago

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Love the idea of Kae getting used to eating consistent meals bc of a significant other or even a friend who made it a point to always eat with him to ensure he doesn't forget, and even gaining a little weight as a result, even with his metabolism.

#☆ ┆ ( .ooc. );#//Him playfully protesting that he hates the couple extra pounds and 'blaming' his other for it #//Meanwhile first chance he gets; he's happily observing his figure; and relieved he's at a healthier one than he was before #//Smth smth abt the healing process and him no longer being so stressed/distracted to neglect to take care of himself in that aspect #//And many others; bc a s/o who goes through routines like that with him (like naps) DEFFO helps him keep on top of that shit #//Or even going through their own routines and him doing smth in parallel play sorta helping remind him of his own shit #//Deffo was sickly thin as a kid; then got better with Addie's care; then his eating routine went OUT the fucken window when Luc left #//Bc he couldn't stomach much with his stress and guilt eating away at him instead #//And then leaving her care it got WORSE; bc then he was too busy/stressed to worry abt himself save his own appearance #//ALL his spoons went to Investigations; Knight Duties; and Beauty routines #//Hence why Noelle bcame so dear to him; when she came into his life; she likely picked up how busy he was and helped him out Lots #//His newer routine of bugging Luc at the tavern actually helps him remember to eat #//Bc he /hates/ drinking on an empty stomach; but typically doesn't care. With Luc; however; going to see him; he gets an urge to front mor #//And snacking means he's less likely to make faces when the alcohol doesn't sit right with him/he drinks too much #//So Luc's less likely to deny him drinks. Charles; Kae can just charm more out of him regardless. Luc takes more convincing #//Drinking at Cats Tail helps too; bc Margaret makes SURE he's had smth before drinking. She understands him in that regard #//Typically makes him eat smth that ends making him sleepy like soup so he heads home & promptly passes tf out hitting the pillow #//He's not actually caught on to the fact that she does this on purpose in the entire time he's been a patron with her #//He keeps chalking it up to how relaxed the mood there is that lulls his body into some sense of security #//bc he DOES gets sleepier around ppl he trusts for that very reason; is why sometimes he pulls away from them #//If Addie manages to get her hands on him before he skeddadles out of the Winery; she'll have him tucked away and sleeping in no time #//And actually having the MOST restful sleep he's ever had in AGES; up until he startles himself awake and realizes Luc's home #//And has to book it TF out of the Winery bc he doesn't want to deal with the man & bicker so soon after waking #//He's already made vulnerable by Addie's care; he doesn't need Luc to carve him right open if their bickering goes too far. Not like this #//It'd be all too easy #//Is also why he likes staying awake and watching people he cares for sleep. Bc if HE sleeps & wakes w them; he shows a MASSIVELY vulnerabl #side to himself that he REALLY doesn't want people seeing; and for hella good reason. It's an open shot at his heart; after all #//Wow; SO many points where it veered jdfbgf. And this was supposed to be abt healing & self-care jdkjfg

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verytendou · 2 years ago

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Looks up wikihow for what to do when you realize your office has 5x the amount of budget of every other executive office combined

#fun fact the president gets the least! reaffirming the idea they do jack shit #maybe i shouldnt condemn gabby to that but also sorry maam you are not being evpsa as long as our nepo baby linenof succession #has anything to say about it 😔😔 maybe you could be dod one day #like i am the outlier that only happened because the ACTUAL nepo baby backed out last minute #so they had to speedrun my nepo babiness #anyways the genuine nepo baby route (me) is one i’d like to aboid because as one of the people involved it sucks !!!!!#anyways sorry abt my boss telling you could do it even though youve already been elected to senate and my boss terms out in 3 days!#(and ????????????)#but thats a conversation i dont want to have so it will be unsaid unless you talk to me ! sorry i will be prioritizing those whove been here #and doing the work for 2+ years i think thats actually how this is Supposed to work when you don’t make all your core staff seniors @my boss #i’ll be real they were insane for that like im insane for swinging the exavt opposite way but ALL YOUR CORE STAFF???? you left your juniors #in the fucking DUST man now you have nepo baby times and everyones like but you can do it SHUT UP im a nepo baby #to be fair its good we didn’t fast track the person we did bc WHEW issues but the thing is the person who got left with all these issues is #ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! not any of the people whove been dealing with them for 3+ years so THANKS IG!!!!!!!!!#some ppl really dont grow up with the ideals of making sure you are leaving something for those after you huh like dont get me wrong #the work we DO considers those who comes after us bc thats how advocacy works but our OFFICE has none of that in terms of like #staff and stuff like some of the staff choices this year were 😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫 everyone went into fall confused as hell #bc WHO TF WAS GOING TO RUN like even before i was properly involved THIS ISSUE EXISTED !!! you guys just got lucky i existed #and lucky that im a pushover that does whatever those around me tell me too like i am remembering i DIDNT WANT THIS JOB!!!! it took both #the person i consider my mentor and the person who i consider who i want to be when i grow up telling me to do it b4 i even considered it #so DONT TELL RANDOS THEY CAN HAVE A PLACE IN (MY) OFFICE!!! I HAVE ENOUGH PROBLEMS RIGHT NOW!!! do you know what a bitch hiring is going 2 b #anyways :’) can everyone tell i am So Excited for this job :’)) if it turns out we’ve had a budget of 300k this WHOLE TIME like #i had been SAYING WE DID bc its my JOB to Know it and it was THERE and we’ve been acting like we had 150 i’ll lose it #v.txt

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dad-friend · 1 year ago

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guess who got a 5 on the ap lit exam for writing the q3 about something that wasnt even english literature

#how did this happen #oh shit wait actually #its bc i knew the q2 was about immigration and apparently a lot of ppl somehow Did Not Notice lmao #still baffled by that #like i remember specifically saying the author couldnt have made it more obvious w/out just saying it outright #how tf do you miss it

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pjackk · 1 year ago

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Yep another miesrable "F my life" moment just hapened to me i basicaly walked 10 miles up the mountain to get to behind to the gas station to see my plug to buy me my with my favorite delta 8 pipe rocks and grab another 6er of tall boy steelies and i forgot i had my lit pre roll from brunch at the Country Grocerys buffet and i tripped on a congom on they away out and fell directly into a puddle of oil which normaly is fine when i fall and hurt myself ebcause nobody gives a fuck about me but the pants got stained wich is not unusual for me either but this time with motor guel or some shit but my pre roll was smoldering still and it set my ptants on fire so i dive in to the muddy ditch to put wet mut on my body to estinguish the fire and it and it shook the fuck up out of my steelos and the bursted all over me and it put out the fire but now i dont have any booze at all and my delta 7 "Fuck n chill" rocks burned tf up and i dont got nothgin left and my pants were all fucked up so i had to go home thru the woods wihtout them and it was so dark out and my peice of shit phone died even thouhg it was at 27% and i couldnt see shit and i was lost for along time so i decide to go to sleep in the woods to find my way back in day time + the animals sounds were high key scary as fuck so i cover myself in leafs and dirt and sticks and mud and other shit to hide from them and i woke up in the adfternoon still tired as fuck cuz i dont sleep good without some shit to put me asleep like my medicidne prescribed from Dr Maltlikker if U catch my drift lol or Dr thc Gummy lol if u get what im saying and these stupid little cunts with 22 rifles were plinking at me and tlaking about how they wanted to shoot my big ugly rusty head right in the head or to shoot a hole in my nippels so i got up and trioed to get them to stop i begged but htey just kept lauhging at me and shooting at me and it realy hurt my feelings so i pick one up and threw it into the sky then they all ran away screaming which is a classic "Dont fuck with honest joe,because he might try to hurt you or kill you if u piss him of moment" but the miracle of the story if that i went to walk 20 feet to findm y way out and i found my busted as shit old as fuck camry with a litle gas left ive been looking for it for a few days cuz i did a lil cruising when i was blackout and did lots of crazy shit i didnt remember at all but it was all on my story and 100 ppl were snaping and whatsapping me telling me to kill myself when i checked my huwawai thats how u know u had a crazy fcking night when u get that shit!!😂😂 but it had a litle gas left and it wasnt super busted so i was able do get back on I81 and soem stupid fcking crazy ass north carolina motha fuckas are driving insanly as fuck as usual and they keep almost hiting me while im just trying to read my fukcking phone to get rid of all these stupid messages and shit i still dont know how to use the app and its hard to type shit with my hands but eventualy i got back to my fuck buddys houe im crashing there even though he hates me now but i have nowehre left since ive been down on my luck and im realy not able to pay the bills no more with my online black jack/DarkRp trial moderator gigs and basicaly he owes me cuaz i got him 1 pack of menthols back when he was 19 and Sleepy Joe Brnadon banned them since "Freedom to do real shit" was aparently removed from the costitution when he was elected😂 but anywas now im sitting here bored as fuck with nothign at all do do cuz i got nothing to get fucked up wthi and i spent the rest of my meony on shit thats burned and blasted im realy worried i wont be able to sleep tongith since i cant get fucked up and thats when the demons starts to flow in my head i might do something realy bad to myself like pluck out my screws or some shit if u care abotu my which u probably dont my cashuapp is $pjack9 im desprate for another bottle to numb my p[ain away

Pic of my ride when i found it thankuly it still had gas😋

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natsuslover · 7 days ago

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☆.｡.:* gojo bf headcanons

notes— i think… i miss my wife :’( (it’s gojover i’m writing this to cope)

ft. satoru gojo

warnings: none really js some mentions of sexual things but nondescriptive (very fluffy for the most part)

first and foremost i feel like a common mischaracterization has to be cleared up… bro is NOT a womanizer lmfaooo

in fact he’s prob a virgin like it would take a lot for him to be sexually vulnerable like that

now that that’s been said-

he’s basically ur best friend

like yes he loves u and yes ur his s/o but he can also be so so annoying at times

rich asf so he’s always spoiling u

and he doesn’t even do it on purpose

for example he’ll be shopping for himself in luxury brand stores (bros a diva) but then he sees something u would like and js buys it bc why tf not

he never expects anything in return

def the whiny brat in the relationship

kind of a red flag but he LOOOVES starting meaningless arguments for funsies

also loves complaining abt anything and everything to u

and whenever he learns a new piece of gossip you’ll be the first to know fs

100% NOT afflicted by nonchalant dreadhead disease

like he THINKS he’s being all nonchalant and shit but in reality he’s the most chalant person ever

his favorite type of date is going out to eat

whether it’s a fancy restaurant or stalls on the street he loves eating and he loves watching u enjoy ur food too

it would be ironic to say his love language is physical touch but for those he feels close to he likes when they’re physically close as well

bear hugs = his favorite form of affection

likes watching movies w u but not romance movies (he thinks they’re cheesy and unrealistic)

he’ll watch spiderman w u over and over again tho and to this day cries abt how mj doesn’t remember peter

loves playing mario kart w u

beats u every single time and brags about it

doesn’t really like TOO much pda

like he’ll hold ur hand, put his arm around u, hug u, etc. in public but that’s pretty much the extent

but in private it’s a different story…

good luck getting this man to detach his 6’3 body from u

his infinity is off almost 24/7 when it’s just the two of u

likes taking random pictures of u when ur caught off guard so he can tease u later

he’s a menace in the kitchen but when ur cooking and u need a taste tester he always volunteers

he got u a “kiss the cook” apron for ur birthday once and now just uses it as an excuse to kiss u randomly whenever u wear it

brags about u to his students like all the time and they get annoyed

“gojo sensei ur supposed to be solving the math problem on the board-”

“oh! y/n is SOO good at math! i mean just yesterday she told me-”

“GOJO SENSEI!!”

has a big ass sweet tooth that ends up rubbing off on u

his phone lock screen is definitely some cursed image of u and every time someone asks who he’s dating he just pulls out his phone and they’re like “oh… 😀”

his love for u is very obvious bc he’s always giving u “the look” when ur not looking according to other ppl

i’m ngl tho sometimes u wake up in the middle of the night for a glass of water and see this dudes bright blue glowing orbs staring right at u and it freaks u tf out

sassy bf apocalypse in a nutshell

#anime #manga #jjk #jjk headcanons #jujutsu kaisen #jjk anime #jjk fluff #satoru gojo #satoru gojo headcanons #gojo saturo #gojo x reader

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zephyrusswinds · 7 months ago

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Everyone's always like "oh Wukong getting the circlet back is gonna bring some good Shadowpeach drama" but like... How would Mk feel??? I can just imagine Wukong freaking the fuck out and Mk of all people is the only one who can calm him down, the WHOLE gang (including Macaque) just remind of the journey. ESPECIALLY TANG.

like bro... how hard is it to have some sunburst duo angst guys.... all I want to see is Mk realizing how emotionally fucked up Wukong is and him being the only person he's emotionally vulnerable with, I really wanna see how Mk and swk interacting like this because Mk feels like swk is all holy and shit, but I am in desperate need of swk being forced to show how actually broken he is, and who else can he trust BUT Mk?

mk Is one of the few ppl who actually care abt him, and in return, all of the love Wukong feels is directed towards him, which naturally has caused Mk to idolize him- even if he knows swk was never the best person. swk throughout s1-s3 has never truly been vulnerable w/ him, and in s4 Mk only scratches through the surface of the emotional trauma his mentor has. And so I feel like having Wukong freak the fuck out about the circlet is the first step in Wukong actually healing. I feel like he'll only confide in Mk how much he's scared or whatever because Mk is the only person who doesn't remind him of his past (the journey, specifically), and so the circlet has little to no association with him.

and I know some ppl would make the argument that "oh Macaque has known him emotionally or whatever" but I don't necessarily believe that means Macaque would comfort him in the same way Mk would. in the s5 trailer, it's MK putting his arm on Wukong when Li Jing put the circlet onto him, not MACAQUE. this proves that Mk cares abt him heavily (physically AND emotionally), but I don't disagree that Macaque cares, I just think that Mk is more prone to caring about him explicitally than Mac. it's obvious that he's way too early in his character arc to care for Wukong like Mk does.

and I think that that care would lead into Mk being more open w/ Wukong, and maybe after all that, Wukong would confide in him more.

i feel like at this point Mk will have to take on the task of being Wukong's emotional support system, he'll have to grapple with all the shit Wukong has been through, and I fully believe he'll wonder how tf Wukong was able to live with all that. especially now, when he's being forced to remember his past (in a more physical sense, that is, s4 was more emotional than anything)

SO when Li Jing puts the circlet back onto him, maybe Wukong will instinctually lean into the emotional comfort Mk provides him? and since he's probably the only person who's been willing to actually listen to him, maybe he'll open up to him more, now that he practically has no choice.

or he'll have a panic attack while Mk holds him in his arms and desperately tries to calm him down while the rest of the gang watches without realizing that they're making things worse, but hey, what do i know

i am a firm believer in Wukong having severe PTSD from the journey if you couldn't tell already

#lego monkie kid #lmk sun wukong #lmk season 5 #lmk mk #excuse me while i write a fic abt this #sunburst duo

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sueheesblog · 5 months ago

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Let's talk about some stuff! SZN 3: SPOILERS I watched the season after I saw some spoilers on X and from friends lmao. I didn't sleep. Sorry for the typos n shit. I need to vent.

- First off, Syd and Cousin carried the whole fxcking SZN on their backs, while Carmy was too busy being a psycho. Ayo n Ebon deserves all the awards. JAW is a fantastic actor - 10/10 for all 3 of them. Everyone else did great too, Napkin was 😭😭😭 AYO DID THAT. Those 3 are legends in my eyes!!!! If Ayo leaves or if the writers do her dirtier in SZN 4 I'm DONE. I cried for her this SZN, n for Carm too.

- All of Sydcamry scenes for some reason gave me butterflies even though they drifted farther apart each eps. Syd getting Carmy's dish was top tier - incredible writing from the writers. I just need them to explain more - what is the purpose of having Syd n Carmy tied together - if Claire is so great why not tied her to Carmy? Why does she seem like someone who died, haunting Carmy like his toxic boss? She more unbearable this season n I think it's intentional.

- Some ppl were saying Claire had alittle more substance this SZN and I beg to differ. She's like a dead gf to me. Her scenes with Carmy are so cold, dead, and heavy - like a burden. She triggers my anxiety n I don't know y - n I don't want to be mean, but just how their scene are edited, it literally puts me at the edge of a panic attack. The writers had the audacity to call her PEACE. I did not experience peace watching her scene and I think Carmy feels the same way from the jump. So, Fxck no, she ain't PEACE, that's Syd and it's obvious.

- Claire being labeled as PEACE makes no sense - the writers are trying too hard n it's make me sick. If she's so great, let her n Carmy run/manage The Bear.

- Syd is the invisible string that's holding everyone together in this chaotic sh!thole, while babysitting Carmy and keeping him from combusting. Unc, Nat, Pete, COUSIN, Marcus, and everyone else are staying afloat because Syd is the fxcking life vest that's strapped to their chest.

- Syd is calm, organized, observant, caring, considerate etc. Yet, these fxcking writers said Claire was peace- that line had my blood boilingggggggg.

- Syd's relationship with her Dad is everything

- Sydcarmy is sooo far apart it physically hurts. They didn't even do ther sign thing over their chest this season.......I get this feeling (just a FEELING) that Syd might be in love or has a crush on CARMY 😭😭😭. The margin wider scene gave me that vibe. When you like someone, you notice every little thing they do. There were times I wanted her to hug him soooo bad, I just felt like if she did if would've grounded him. He really needed a hug this season.

- Something I think some of you might have missed. Remember SZN1 Ep1 when Syd said her dad ate at The Beef on Sundays. We got confirmation from Carm, in SZN 3 that The Beef/The Bear only closes on Sundays. 😂😂🤣😂 (this was in the scene with him n Claire in a dark room or whatever. It might have been a dream scene idk) So, Carm knew Syd lied. I need the writers to have Carm n Syd talk about it and the meal she had in NYC. These are only a few important stuff they hid in the storytelling and I need to know WHYYYYYYYY.

- Carmy had a panic attack during service. Syd's voice took him off the edge. And I must say, her voice could really calm me down too lmao.

These fxcking writers are lowkey abusing Syd at this point. She's being stretched thin, and again this is also why I think she's in love with Carmy. It hurts her, but she's so into him, connected to him physically n mentally. It's really hard for her to let him or The Bear. It reminds me of the time Donna said "I make things pretty for others, but no one makes things pretty for me" not being verbatim lol. Syd did sooo much heavy lifting this SZN and no one noticed it, they all subconsciously over look her and gave all praises to Claire and making her the peace and angel.

- We finally saw Syd broke tf down in ep 10. Baby girl couldn't be strong anymore. She doesn't want to leave Carmy or The Bear but after the round table talk with the workers from Ever. She realized that Carmy - the person she idolize or even love/crush on, might not be good for her. Carmy is trying but the communication is lacking so bad, and on top of that he's pushing her away.

At this point, the partnership agreement seems like a trap to keep her. If Unc cut his connection to The Bear that's going to be Syd last straw. And if she leaves, I kinda see Tina, Marcus, and maybe COUSIN going with her or they will stay and give Carmy HELLL for losing her. The tables would turn. Everyone is so hang up on Claire leaving, if Syd leaves, Claire would go straight through the window. That would be the moment of realization (for all of them. Especially Carmy) that the woman he really NEEDS is Syd and not Claire. But for some reason, they all think Syd ain't going nowhere which is so naive. She got a bigggg offer and I can't wait to see when she tells Carmy. Would he confess her importance to him to keep her? Would he beg her to stay? Would he listen more or communicate more to keep her? Would he ask her what would make her stay at The Bear? Or would he be a b!tch and tell her to go cauase it's a great opportunity? And then after confess that he's having a hard time letting her go. Very interesting stuff.

- Last thing - Unc talking to Syd. I was shock he was looking to Syd for answers as to what's going on with Carmy. This was also telling. Unc believes or senses that these too are CLOSE. And Syd being a good gf/partner kept her mouth closed. SYD is an angel sent from heaven, cause I would be so done with The Bear😭😭😭😭.

We saw that Carmy and Syd are having conversations that we are not seeing on screen. For example, he asked her about her new apartment. When did she tell him?? He then asked about her dad. Sir, what about her dad? Did she tell him about the annoying bathroom exchange? Are they sharing more about their personal life that we, the audience is not seeing? So many fxcking questions in SZN3.

This is just my thoughts. I saw the season once so this not an analysis.

#sydcarmy #the bear #carmy x sydney #carmy the bear #shows #syd x carmy #carmy berzatto #sydney adamu #cute #the bear fx #the bear season 3

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kangals · 20 days ago

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kep report card for october. how is he already almost a year old tf.

Leash Walking: 🟡/🔴 on a martingale collar he walks ok, though does need frequent corrections to remind him not to pull. on a harness he's much more pully and bruised the shit out of my hand recently. does a lot better when i'm walking him alone but i cant really do that much due to time limits.

Manners - People: 🟢/🟡 very good, just still working on not jumping on ppl.

Manners - Dogs: 🟢 no complaints, social butterfly.

Manners - Home: 🟡 gotten better about countersurfing but having some regression on settling in the house. and, of course. the piss.

Manners - Public Spaces: 🟢/🟡 will try to mark if i'm not watching him carefully but otherwise no complaints

Grooming: 🟡 fine if there's food, incredibly squirmy if there's not. need to work on weaning off food and tolerating restraint, since at some point he'll need to go to a real groomer.

Recall: 🟢/🟡 if i call him off a distraction he often comes immediately, but when we're just like chilling at home it's 50/50.

Crating: 🟢 whines a bit sometimes but gets over it eventually.

Fear/Anxiety: 🟢 no issues lately

Volume: 🟢 he really only barks when hes very excited (e.g. playing with other dogs, visitors have come over) otherwise he's blissfully silent.

Puberty: 🟡 LITTLE PISS BOY TAKING A PISS.

overall good, really the biggest problems we're working on right now is just that he's a large, strong, energetic dog who is still too baby-brain to have a lot of self control. i also dont think it's coincidental that these problems are arising as i'm coming off basically 2 straight months of very hectic work/personal stuff and have been very tired as a result. when we really focus together he does good (see: CGC acquisition) it's just getting that to translate to "ok now do this by default" that's the speedbump, but again, teenage dog and the expectations are low.

stellina i remember really dove straight into adolesence around 5 months old and that didn't stop until she was like 20-22 months. kep it seems like didn't quite go Full Stupid until like 9-10 months so we'll see if it lasts the same amount of time, though i'm really hoping not.

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onnoffwrites · 1 year ago

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I have been losing my shit over this damn panel for the past THREE DAYS (more or less) and I need to yell somewhere so it's gonna go here.

It all began when I was writing my fic (I think this was for My Immortal), and I needed to recap significant hakukai moments. And I remembered "hey, I should include this one thing saguru said during sunset manor that was stupidly super gay for no fucking reason" bc like, yea hakukai not canon, but if canon was gonna give me a whole ass confession then I might as well use it. So, like always, I head to mangadex to look for this panel... Except... It's not there... The line... The line's not there... But I remember... I remember something about "the only one to disrupt/disturb my thinking/mind"... Where... I didn't imagine that right? I mean I read a lot of google translated Chinese fanfics but... I REMEMBERED reading that line... In a manga... In English... ON mangadex...

This is where I should mentioned, that if you weren't around for the Great Collapse of Mangadex. Then... Well, so there was this period of time where mangadex just DIDNT EXIST. Bc there was some cyber?? Attack??? On the site??? I can't fully remember. But it like wiped out most of the site. The mangas r just, gone. So mangadex fixed it. It took a while bc they figured "might as well revamp our site and system". And they did. And it's great. And it looks beautiful now, even more than before.

But see. The line I remembered? Yea... Yea that was from before The Collapse. And mangadex let multiple translation groups submit their translations. So u can read diff translations of diff group, see how things are interpreted differently... And... I remembered this one, that I posted here up top, but I remembered there was another. One that had The Line.

And it was driving crazy so, like usual, I asked my cn friend. But my cn friend (why am I still saying that, it's @beingvv , that's the friend) has A Life, and isn't always online, and we love that for ppl. So. I'm still crazy. I can't trust my own damn mind and memory bc why tf do I remember something that isn't there (happened before btw, but that has nothing to do with this).

Luckily, I have a friend who knows jp. UNLUCKILY, I don't have the jp raws and it's from chapter 300 and we are in the thousands. So, I went back to losing my mind. Until I found it again, and realized. Heyyyyyyy there's a whole ass ANIME. So like the baggage my dear friend had the misfortune to be saddled with, I went to find the ep, timestamped it, yelled begged them for help.

This is where I lose my damn mind the first time in the recent weeks.

(thank you my dear piglet, u don't even go here but u tolerate my insanity)

THIS. THIS WAS THE LINE. THATS WHAT I REMEMBERED.

So, I feel a little more sane (bc my mind didn't fabricate a memory again) and also A LOT more insane bc WHY WOULD U SAY THAT, HAKUBA SAGURU 😭😭😭 WHY WOULD U SAY IT LIKE THAT 😭😭😭

In any case I feel validated. Told beingvv about my discoveries (for whenever they come back) not that they need it cn fandom already got the correct translation. And finished writing my fic.

And then Saguru's comeback was announced.

So I've been losing my shit for 3 days on twitter, looking at all my fave KR and JP accounts and the things they say.

And then someone dug up and old tweet thread that talked about this panel. Specifically, op talked about the nuance in the word choice used.

Here's the og thread if anyone wants to read or Google translate it urself.

(mkppyong my love, bless you)

Bc mkppyong talked to a jp acquaintance about ??? Uh I dunno just language I guess. POINT IS. They pointed out that gosho used specific words/phrases that really wasn't needed if all he wanted to say was "the only one who drives me crazy/mad." But he did used them. It's specifically "his thoughts/mind" that's being driven crazy. And that if he wants to just talk about Saguru's mind being disrupted/confused, then there's rly no need to use the words "go crazy"

And then they wrote out a whole symbolism about clocks and saguru and being broken down/disrupted and I lost my shit over the clock symbolism, sue me 😭😭😭

I don't think I'm making sense anymore bUT WAIT, THERES MORE, THE FINAL BLOW

THE THAI TRANSLATION

This is where I expose myself more than I ever want to, but here's a fact. I'm thai

Here's a second fact. I'm SHIT at Thai. I've been bad at this language before I got good at English. My Thais as good as an elementary student. Every time I understand difficult words I get confused bc where did I know THAT from???

In any case, point is, I saw that tweet, read the text, immediately understood it and began losing my shit all over again... And then I doubted... Bc like, I'm not good with this lang anymore... Maybe im understanding it wrong? So I look up Google.

Google: คลุ้มคลั่ง just means go crazy

So I was like, damn guess I'm wrong, read too much into this. BUT SEE BC I LIVE HERE I HAVE FRIENDS WHO ARENT A DISGRACE. And so my friend said:

SO WELCOME TO MY THIRD ROUND OF INSANITY.

HAKUBA SAGURU WHY WOULD U SAY THIS SHIT IN FRONT OF LIKE NINE OTHER PPL 😭😭😭😭😭 BOY WHY R U TELLING THEM UR OBSESSED 😭😭😭 youre driving ME crazy 😭😭😭

So. Here we are. At the end. I have no idea how tf I'm supposed to end this post. I'VE been obsessed for 3 days straight. I don't have a lot of braincell left in me (there weren't any to begin with). I don't have a statement to wrap this post up in a nice little bow. Go make ur own conclusion I dunno.

But I would not have been losing my shit over this stupid panel for a month if it wasn't for the fact that eng translation was missing a pretty crutial thing in what Saguru said. I don't know if this was a mistranslation or a misunderstanding or something, but the English translation was lacking. And I love and have always been thankful and grateful to the ppl who worked hard to translate mangas in their free time, and do it all for free, bc I haven't had any real way to rent/borrow mangas from renting shops/libraries in years. So this was one of the only ways I can read mangas. But, even as I checked the raw panel with Google lens just now, even google translate it as "the only one to make my thoughts go round." No where was there any mention of "case" and "solving." So that's just, multiple accounts of ppl who knows jp, including native jp speakers, all saying that this panel is Saguru saying "the only one to drive me crazy". And man I rly hope this doesn't make me come off as ungrateful or like shitting on the translation team, I'm rly not. But yea. Uh. The translation was wrong. And I remembered that there used to be a diff eng translation. And it led me to go to all this trouble and journey to find out what was actually said. And here we are, at the end.

The only one who could disrupt Saguru's thinking.

The only one who could disturb Saguru's mind.

The one whose sole existence drives him mad.

The only one to make his mind obsess over till he's driven to madness.

Or to use the symbolism mkppyong wrote: the only one to break down the clock, the precise and accurate mechanism, that is Hakuba Saguru.

#hakuba saguru #hakukai #magic kaito #dcmk #sagukai #ramblings #oh god this is long #lost in translation #tbh it's also FOUND in translation #long ass fucking post holy shit #im sabotaging my own fics by tagging this with thr ship tags tbh #now my fic posts are completely buried #edit: not me noticing several typos months later

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brighttears · 1 year ago

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Wise Fools

Joel Miller x f!reader

No physical description, no use of y/n, readers has female sex organs

Summary: you tell Joel you love him, he doesn’t react how you think, but he also doesn’t react how he wishes he had. he sorts himself out and comes back to fix things.

Word count: 5k

Warnings: mutual pining, drinking to get drunk, SMUT (minors DNI), cunnilingus, fingering, male masturbation, mentions of PiV sex, pet names (darling, sweetheart, beautiful girl),

A/n: not super proud of this tbh but i just felt pressured to post it like i just wanted to get it tf out eeeeee. barely proofread the smut not my fave thing to write but i know it's what the ppl want 😪

—

“…I just feel like I need to tell you, I never want to be without you… and… I love you, Joel.”

You watch his lashes because he won't meet your eyes, then brush a finger over his cheek to softly hook under his chin, but just as he lets you raise it, he shifts out of your grasp and stands.

You watch him walk away, smoothing his hand over the back of his neck, facing the dark front window in his living room, the only sound being his foot scuffing to a stop.

The air shifts. You can tell that he’s not going to say anything, and are suddenly hit with the realization that you are a fool. You fooled yourself into believing that you have some kind of control over this game, some kind of special insight or providence. You feel beat.

He stands with his back mostly to you, his arms crossed, staring at the floor. His jaw flexes.

A ball of lead falls from your head down through your heart to land in your stomach and your skin prickles; it’s a freezing cold feeling but you’re hot with embarrassment at the same time. Those first few times you saw him, you remember how irrefutable you saw your goal to be; like you were already his, you thought he was already yours.

This whole time, it was just you. Your heart begins to race.

“I’m gonna go.” You get up, pause for half a second, thinking he might try to stop you, but he doesn’t. He still won't even look at you. You feel sick. “Have a good night.” You manage as you slip out.

—

“Fuck.” Joel stays standing after you leave, pulling fists of his hair up until it hurts. Squeezing his eyes shut, he whispers through gritted teeth, “God damn it.” Part of him is screaming to go after you but his body won’t obey, and his mind twists, curls and knots around itself. The one thing he knows for sure is that he fucked up. He feels small and stupid. And he wants his brother.

Joel counts to fifty before leaving his house. Outside, he wants to call out his brother's name, he wants to run to him like a child, he wants him here now. Clenching his jaw, he keeps his mouth shut, and repeatedly swallows down thick threats underneath cries. Finally, he makes it to Tommy’s front door and raps on it, waits, raps again. He combs his hand through his hair, then drags it down his face, clears his throat, and sniffs hard.

Tommy opens the door looking a little groggy, but his eyes snap wide open upon seeing his brother so undone. Once processed, he urges him, “Shit. Come on, come in, sit down, I'll get ya’a drink.”

Suddenly very insecure, Joel whispers, “Well I don’t wanna disturb Maria, I guess I sh—”

“Nah, nah, nah,” Tommy shakes his head, “she’s asleep, but she’s a hard sleeper. As long as we’re not screamin’. Js’ come on.” He motions his arm inside and Joel finally follows. “Sit down,” he tells him over his shoulder on his way to the kitchen, and comes back out with two thick, clear plastic cups, and a large clear glass bottle holding an easily recognizable rust colored drink. He pours without a word, sits down, and looks at his brother, “Go, on, then. What happ’nd?”

Joel takes his cup, staring into it as he begins, “I fucked up, Tommy. I fucked up real bad.” He sips and keeps his eyes in the cup as he continues, “She told me she loves me. An’ I didn’t say a fuckin’ thing. Did’n even look at her.” He takes a long sip and grimaces, “So she left. Cause I’m a fuckin’ idiot.”

“Aw, don’t say that,”

Joel shakes his head, “I am. I am. I’m a fuckin’ coward is what I am. I love ‘er, you know that?” He finally looks up to Tommy.

“Yeah, I kinda guessed.”

“N’ it’s like this whole time I’ve been waitin’ for that, for, I don’t even know what the fuck, to know if–if she loves me I guess, an’ she does, an’ I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I js’ froze. I froze bad. I love her, I do, I do… Fuck me. Look what I just did to ‘er.” He sloppily gulps what’s left in his glass as he finishes his sentence, then says immediately, “Pour me another one.”

“You tryna get shitfaced?” Tommy inquires, visibly concerned.

“Wouldn’you?”

Tommy bites the inside of his cheek, then uncaps the glass bottle and pours. “Fair ‘nough.”

“Mm.” Joel watches him pour, then raises his glass, “To bein’ a fuckin’ idiot.” and throws the liquor back. Tommy follows suit, for his brother's sake.

—

You stumble the short way to your house, almost falling, and curse yourself for being so weak as to be physically hindered by nothing but a broken heart; nothing you haven’t felt before… this time feels different, though.

Once inside your house, you sniffle, cough, and walk straight into the kitchen, dragging a chair behind you to set in front of the refrigerator. You climb it to retrieve the one bottle of alcohol you keep in your house: a bottle of wine, old as shit, found on the road. You don’t bother with a glass nor do you pull the chair back to the table, simply collapsing in it there and take out your pocket knife to work at the cork.

How the wine tastes isn’t something you pay any mind to, though it’s possibly one that you should savor, being that it’s aged and all that. Within a few minutes, half of the bottle is gone, set on the counter next to your chair, where you sit, legs spread, elbows on your knees, nails on your scalp.

You told him you love him, you said the L word, you broke your rule, made many broken hearts ago, to not fucking do that. Why did you think, really believe, that this time was different? What a fucking fool.

Sitting up straight, you breathe deeply, grab the bottle, and then guzzle another cup out.

Should you just leave Jackson? Run away? It’d be best for the both of you, you think. Where would you go?

Suddenly, the question hits you: what's the point of going on if you have nobody?

You are well acquainted with this feeling of brokenheartedness and deep lonesomeness. However, you’ve never experienced it in a house like this, warm, unarmed, drunk. Well what's the point of staying in Jackson if all you’re going to do is… what, this? Go to the fucking movies? And avoid Joel. No way would Tommy talk to you. Maybe not Ellie, either. You couldn’t blame either of them. He’s theirs, they’re his, all running with loyalty in their blood. Not you, though. You are an outsider.

Don't you dare allow the simple thought of what's the point? That is not allowed. For all the people you’ve known that have died, who held on with everything they could to the last fucking second, you can’t give it up. Even if it all just means pain, fear, and loneliness.

At least if you’re alone all you need to fear for is yourself. Definitely not over some silly man, of all things. Some silly man, who you love like you’ve never loved before, who couldn’t bear the thought of that, so much so that he had to pretend like he hadn’t heard it, that you weren’t even there.

“Jesus Christ.” You slur, standing, holding the bottle, and take a few empty steps into the empty living room. The couch bounces back with you when you plop down on it. Your eyes fall closed. Without opening them, you set the wine bottle on the coffee table and stretch out on the couch.

Clips and images of Joel run over your eyes and you’re drunk enough to enjoy them. You reflect on the first time you saw him, how unbelievably beautiful he was, and how funny he looked, like a lost little kid walking down the street, and then the first time you met, when Tommy called out his name while you talked with him leaned against opposite polls under the awning of a shop. Something about the cool light tones of the winter contrast ridiculously well with him and you were near starstruck. Immediately, you knew It was him. Then you started seeing him around more, you worked on a couple projects together in town, did patrols, met up on each other's porches, talked just to talk. You could talk for hours, nonstop, always something more to add. The kind of immediate connection you had is one you can’t remember the last time you had with anyone. By the end of winter, you were thick as thieves.

And you had misread all of it, and ruined it.

You jolt up. Then decide to move upstairs to bed, for some comfort at least. It works like a charm and you’re out cold within minutes of snuggling in under the covers.

—

Tommy convinces Joel to quit drinking before he can’t walk anymore, which he decides is fair. Drinking isn’t helping anyway. It’s an extremely refreshing walk home. He isn’t unable to walk upstairs to his room, but he simply can’t be bothered, and he doesn’t want his creaking stomps to wake Ellie, so he flops on the couch, boots and all.

In his drunken state, Joel squeezes his eyes shut and wills time to go back, so that when he wakes up, it’s yesterday morning, and he can do that all again, and do it right. In his head, he works out exactly what he’d say as something to convince time that it’s gonna go backwards for him.

From the moment I saw you, I swear to god I knew it. You were different. And ever since then you’ve only proven me right. I just adore everything about you. Now that you're in my life I can't imagine life without you because I don't want to. I want forever with you.

I have a hard time with love, I can't remember the last time I told someone I love them. Out loud, at least. I hope I've shown you I love you. But you need to hear me say it. I love you, I love you, I love you. I'll tell you every day. Every night, every morning, I'll tell you I love you.

Loving you feels like freedom, it’s like finally being able to fill my lungs all the way up with air. And it comes so naturally, feeling this way, and trying to show you. I can learn to say it. I'll learn to say it for you. Because I need you to know.

I'd be lying if I didn't say I'm scared to death, of all of it, of being in love in the first place. Scared to death. But it’s not going anywhere, and I never know when I'm gonna die, and I don't see the point in trying to push all this down because I don't know how long I have left to really, actually live, and loving is what makes living worth it. Love is the whole point. And I'll show you, I'll do everything I can to show you til the day I die, but if you tell me you love me I'll tell you back. So I'm telling you back. I love you.

Joel mouths the words ‘I love you’, trying to get a feel for them again, and falls asleep with them still in his mouth.

—

It takes you a long time to get out of bed once you wake, between the headache and the heartache and fear of facing the day.

Why go to breakfast? You probably won’t be able to keep it down anyway. Water sounds fantastic, though. So, finally, you drag yourself out of bed, keeping the blankets as a cloak, having apparently stripped completely nude at some point in the night.

Water was indeed a great idea. You feel it running through your brain, cooling and clearing. It doesn’t help anything else, though; last night still happened, your relationships are still ruined. Do you have anything going on today? Any reason you have to leave the house? No. Well, then, you won’t. Staying in bed all day sounds too depressing, so you go back to your room to slip on your biggest tshirt and your most comfortable pair of underwear. Your wrap your blankets back around yourself and they drag behind you down the stairs. With your trial, you feel like you must look like a slug.

To the couch it is. The bottle of wine from last night still sits on the coffee table. Day drinking crosses your mind, but it didn’t make anything better last night, so fuck that. You push the table away with your foot and slouch down as far as you comfortably can. You miss TV.

—

When Joel wakes up, there is a short pause before the grim memories of last night come back to him and he draws out a swear as he wipes his hand over his eyes, forces them to open and then himself to sit. The light of the windows in front of him stings his eyes and he stands up to turn away, his knees struggling hard, and rubs his pained neck. He is too old to be sleeping on couches like this. That’s fine, he deserves pain anyway.

The idea of going after you runs around in his head, hitting and spinning every other thought, and once again he’s lost. After a couple minutes of trying to figure something out, he thinks fuck it and heads for the front door.

It’s warm, wet, cloudy, and a short walk to your house, not allowing Joel enough time to give in to cold feet. He makes it up to your porch but gets stuck there at your front door.

What is he scared of? He knows you love him, he just needs to tell you he loves you too, and apologize, maybe on his knees.

The image of him being on his knees in front of you brings a new idea in his head—his hands on your thighs, your hands in his hair; he wonders how you sound when you moan, how you taste, how long it’d take him to make you cum. Joel tries to shake the thoughts out, taking a deep breath. That is not the task at hand. However, a new realization re-electrifies the ideas, which he’s had many times before, but now… if you love him… that means he might be able to actually find all that out.

This is not the time for that, Joel scolds himself.

He takes a deep breath. Shit, he forgot to figure out something to say. What was all that he had last night? All he remembers is how to say ‘I love you’. Shit. Joel takes another deep breath and starts practicing it again, barely audibly telling your front door ‘I love you’ over and over again.

In his focus, he does not notice any kind of sound or movement inside your house until the door opens.

—

Standing in front of you on your porch, Joel looks disoriented. You don’t know what tone to use to ask what he’s doing here so you say nothing.

“Can I come in?” He finally speaks.

You unthinkingly nod and stand aside to open the door for him.

Once shut, you turn to him and nervously pull at the hem of your shirt. You felt too stupid with those blankets on, so you abandoned them on the couch, but you probably should have put on more clothes before you opened the door. Should you excuse yourself, go upstairs to change, leave him down here?

Suddenly, you realize that things between you are awkward now, and it makes you want to cry.

“Alright.” Joel starts just in time, facing you with his hands on his hips. He still can’t meet your eyes. Is he here to scold you? Say ‘how dare you’? ‘You ruined everything’? ‘I’m leaving’? ‘You should leave’? Instead, he shocks you by saying “I’m sorry.” Then he slowly works his brow up to peer at you. You huff, flustered. He looks back down.

“Why?” You let out, small, and his eyes shoot back up to you. He raises his head up fully, looking at you square, and swallows hard.

There’s a pause. Neither of you look away.

“Last night. I fucked that up.” His voice is deep and uneven. Joel’s shoulders move with a deep breath, “Listen. I… shit.” He looks down, taps his toe on the floor. You cross your arms protectively over your chest. “I fucked that up. I’m sorry. That wasn’t… that didn’t… express what I wanted to… what I feel. I just get scared, y’know?” He looks at you, then back down. “I mean, you do know. But I, I realized that it doesn’t matter. That’s all bullshit. Cause here you are, and here I am, and… Jesus.” He shakes his head, then talks like he’s unleashing it, finally meeting your eyes, and you can see the earnestness in them, “Listen. I feel like I was always just waiting for you, I just didn't know it.” Joel’s gaze falters again. Then his voice is deeper, softer, quieter, and more melodic, “I dream about you. When I’m asleep and when I’m awake, an’ I think you’re the most beautiful thing. You’re js’ special. An’ I feel lucky that I met you, and I adore you. Everythin’ about you. An’ I don’t care what they say about sayin’ shit like this, cause you are perfect. An’ I gotta thank you for sayin’ somethin’ first cause I’m a fuckin’ coward, an’ I’m just sorry it took so long. You deserve more, you deserve to know every day. I know I… I just… even if it’s not… like that, I hope I show you how much I care about you.” Eyes focused firmly on the floor, Joel scuffs the toe of his boot. “I’d do anythin’ for you. I’ll do whatever you want, I’ll go wherever you go, an’ I’ll get my shit together so I can tell you, every morning, every night, every time you tell me, that I love you. I love you.” Joel swallows hard and keeps his head down.

Chills run up and down you. Why do you feel like crying? He looks so sad and shy and you want to hold him up, raise his chin, straighten his posture to how it should be, head held high; you want him lying in bed like this so you can make him feel better with your mouth and your hands; you want to just hug him, feel him holding you, so warm, so protected, you want to be engulfed in him. You’re too far away. So you take two quiet steps towards him, stop, and then take one more. Two more steps and you’d be on him. He’s watching your bare feet as you approach.

Your voice is quiet and delicate when you ask, “So you love me?” and he finally looks up, slowly examining your body from the feet up and finally to your eyes.

“Yes.”

There's a pause, you take another half step, and ask, “Can you kiss me?”

The few seconds it takes for him to find his way to your lips last a very long time, and the moments once they actually meet can’t last long enough.

You let out a sigh as they do, losing touch with gravity a little, resting back in his arms wrapped around your back, preoccupied with his lips hard against yours, finally knowing them, finally tasting him; you want to drink him in, have him inside you in every way, a part of you. This first moment, you see as so, and appreciate all of the newness, the finally, finally, finally, finally.

He lets you pull off his layers until he’s only in a t-shirt, and you’re chilled over and over again in excitement and something else, whatever it is, you don’t care, all you care about is his arms almost bare, so thick and strong, his hands in places they’ve never been before, smoothing over your back, hooking around you, dragging over your front, over your stomach with a pressure that opens your mouth and furrows your brow. He pulls away then, only enough to be able to look at you, and his brow is relaxed in a way you’ve only seen hints of. He brushes one hand clumsily over your face, this thumb over your lips, and you angle your head down to catch it in your mouth. You swirl your tongue around the tip, looking him in the eyes. With a deep breath, Joel takes his hand away to kiss you instead, deep, wet, pressing your foreheads together, then slowly backs you all the way up against the wall. Then he drags himself down, keeping most of himself on you as he does, hands following your curves, chin or lips dragging down however they can, and then he’s on his knees.

Joel brushes his hands up and down the sides of thighs, then grips your hips. “Can I taste you?” He asks softly, big, puppy dog eyes looking up at you.

Frankly, you breathe out, “Yes.”

Joel takes a deep breath, first pressing kisses just above, then over your underwear with a pressure that makes you tingle just under it. He opens his mouth and drags it over you open, still over the fabric, with a heat that you know has you absolutely soaking already.

Still looking in your eyes, Joel hooks his fingers in the waistband of your underwear and pulls until they drop around your ankles. He bunches up your long t-shirt in a fist, lifting it up and resting it on your stomach, then he holds your hip firmly with his other hand, stabilizing himself as he moves his mouth in. Joel focuses, ready to finally show you what he can do for you, secretly smiling as he licks a line up with a flat tongue, proud when your chest jumps with a gasping moan. He repeats, kitten licking you, getting you nice and wet for him to take your clit into his mouth, forming around the sensitive tip to suck and massage with his tongue. Intense pleasure takes your breath away and as you gasp your nipples begin to feel more sensitive rubbing against your shirt and you let your hand smooth over your breast.

“Shit Joel, fuck,” you breath out, then lean your torso forward as you moan, and fall back as he releases your clit.

Joel moves his hand from your hip to under your thigh and lifts it, pressing the side against the wall, opening you up more for him. His head bobs as his tongue slides further in, licking a line straight from your hole up to under your clit, and then again, this time sharpening the tip of his tongue to lick under your clit until it flicks off. Your pussy craves it seemingly with a mind of its own, controlling you.

“Yes, Joel, fuck, just like that, oh my god,”

And so he repeats, the tip of his tongue continually stimulating the underside of your clit. When your hips turn up into him he lets his mouth shift down to swirl over your hole, his nose instead rubbing up and down the area above. Your moans are chocked, deep, and long, as you feel that pressure beginning to unwind inside of you. Knowing that it’s on him, you want to let go, give yourself to him, let him have you.

From your sounds, Joel can tell he’s closing in, but no way is he letting this last only a couple minutes. For one thing, he doesn’t want this to end, but he also wants you in ruins by the time he’s done. Joel swipes one more flat lick over the full length of your pussy and then pulls away, looking up at you. The tip of his nose shines with your wetness and he’s near out of breath.

“Not lettin’ you go that easy, darlin’, ain’t gott’n my fill yet.” He stands, pulling himself up using your arms, and is back in your mouth, no concern for how he’s licking your own cum into your mouth. You don’t really care either anyway, all you care about is how he’s on you. Arms wrapped to hold your stomach to his, you feel his strength again. In between kisses, Joel says, “I’ve been waitin’ so long to know how you taste. Waitin’ so long to make you feel good like that. You’re so fuckin’ sexy. You’re so beautiful. I wanna see you cum. I wanna make you cum with just my mouth. Just my mouth on your pussy.”

Sounds fucking good to me, you think, almost making yourself laugh, but don’t waste any time to speak so as not to take away from your tongue teeth and lips on his. Being connected to him like this feels so secure, so correct; the awkwardness that had scared you so bad has vanished and now you’re closer than ever before, in body, spirit, and mind.

Your lips allow you, “Do whatever you want with me.”

A line of saliva keeps you connected when Joel pulls away, both of your faces wet, mostly with you. His hands shift to your forearms, holding them to pull you as he walks backward, guiding you to sit you down on your couch. When you’re down he’s immediately back between your legs, grabbing your thigh to hold out, and you see his other reach to what must be down his pants. The idea of that, Joel stroking himself just under you, makes you feel hotter still and you moan as his tongue connects. He makes a sound and it vibrates through you and you grip his hair and let yourself fall back, your other hand used to stabilize you on the couch so that you can arch your back and watch him. As his tongue rolls over your opening, he peers up at you. The image of him here itself could be enough to push you over the edge. So many days admiring him, soaking up his beauty, and how many times have you touched yourself imagining something just like this?

Joel has the same thoughts going on in his head as he strokes himself rapidly. As much as he wants to feel himself all the way inside of you, as far as he’ll fit, and feel you squeeze around him, he’ll save that for you for another time. For now, he’s getting off just fine watching—making you get off.

“Joel, that feels so good,” you whine, he hums again and your hips jolt up.

Joel’s eyes stay locked on yours as all of his own movements become unsteady with the more pleasure he gives himself, his hand pumping up and down his full length. He’s never been this hungry in his life, and here you are to devour.

“Joel I know you’re touching yourself I wanna see you cum,”

“You first, darlin.” He says basically into you. He uses his tongue to tease your hole with swirling force, then licks up to your clit and sucks it. Keeping his focus there, he releases your thigh to utilize that hand to hook two fingers into you, then rocking them in and up.

As soon as he starts with this you know you’re done for, and when your face screws up and your hips roll, forcing him to follow you, he knows, too. Joel strokes himself faster, fed by the feeling of his fingers inside of you and this prizing view.

You hold your thigh up for him, your head is leaned back and eyes squeezed shut, triggered by pure pleasure. The pressure building inside of you is like a balloon that Joel repeatedly hits with his two hooked fingers and you feel yourself squeezing, and try not to squirm away as your body rolls closer and closer to overwhelming climax.

“Joel Joel Joel Joel Joel,”

As he comes close to finishing himself, Joel’s mouth opens wider, but he does what he can to keep you stimulated, closing it and moving his tongue all up and down wherever it can, and then he sucks, and his fingers land on your G spot and he rocks them and you’re cumming, loudly. Joel does not release, fighting through your writhing to pull you through your orgasm and with his last licks, he cums, and you shake as his moans vibrate through you.

You slow to a stop, Joel removes his fingers once your pussy releases them, and falls back to sit on the ground in front of you. His pants are undone but his boxers are up, hiding his dick but not the wetness of his cum in them. Shy, you lean forward to cover yourself with your hanging t-shirt. You’re both smiling like giddy kids, and you kiss again, unavoidably wet, but soft, slow, and sweet—appreciative. You keep your eyes closed for a moment when you pull away and he smiles watching you.

“Now what?”

“What time is it?”

“I don’t know. Somewhere near noon.”

“You wanna go get lunch?”

You smile. “Alright. Just let me get dressed, I mean, I have to… clean myself up.” You chuckle shyly.

Joel stands, zipping his pants back up and redoing his belt. “Yeah, me too. Need a whole new pair a underwear. How bout I meet you back here? Won’t take long.”

“Alright.” You smile, reaching down to pull your underwear back up and stand, twisting your legs around each other.

Joel walks behind you to pick up his discarded layers and you watch him shamelessly use the inside of his coat to wipe down his face. When he looks up, he smirks slightly, looking you up and down, steps towards you and then leans in, “Gimmie some sugar.”

You smile and oblige, leaning in slow and taking his lips in yours. What was meant as some cheeky kiss turns soft, sweet, and sincere.

This is how things are now, you realize, you can kiss him, and he can fuck you, and you can go get lunch together.

“I love you.” You quickly add after you pull away.

“I love you, my beautiful girl.”

You beam, he basks in it.

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