#like genuinely i cant believe myself
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Hhhhh
#why do i keep overtalking#i keep making things bad#i didnt mean to not focus on her when she was talking i feel so fucking stupid#i dont know why i do the things i do im sorry#i just want to be her biggest supporter and i keep messing things up#like genuinely i cant believe myself#im not going to see her again for an entire day#im just goint to go to sleep#she already feels so fucking terrible and i just add onto it#i dont know why i didnt just fucking sit there and listen#im sorry#i dont know why i couldnt just sit there. i should have given you my full attention#i just dont want her to feel fucking worse i worry about her constantly all the fucking time#and then i do the shit that makes her more upset#i dont understand why i make so many fucking mistakes#i just want her to be okay#im sorry for hurting you and making shit worse again#i promise you that i just want you to be happy and i want to be a source of that happiness i dont want to cause you pain#i dont want to hurt you in any aspect and im always going to be on your side#i should have listened to her more and let her understand that im here for her giving her my full attention no matter what#mine#ill fix this#i just hope she can call me again#i miss her and i want to be with her more than ive ever wanted anything#i miss her
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i know astrology is fake but i'm not too keen on how a lot of people on this website seem to be clowning on it as a hobby a bit too hard. i swear the woman who thinks it's neat how she and her friends with the same sun sign are all similar isn't trying to say that you are who you are born as and there is nothing you can do to change it. it's a hobby. an interest. what happened to finding meaning and joy in the small things. does it affect you if someone enjoys tarot reading or crystals. does it make you upset someone has interests that they enjoy.
#im not saying astrology/tarot/crystals/etc. get clowned on so much bc theyre hobbies mostly enjoyed by women But....#i saw a post about some astrology study and made the mistake of opening the notes on that bad boy#not fun. and that reminded me of that old post that was basically like ''liking astrology is transphobic''#anyways idk maybe its just that my bestie is very much a ''crystal girl'' but like. stuff like that are such neat hobbies#she makes some cute little jars with pretty rocks and they make her feel better bc if you believe in something you can make it happen#when it comes to small things#like yeah if you pick up a stone that's like ''this can help you be more open with your emotions'' and you are like ''oh hell yea!''#ofc that will be on your mind and the item will be a constant reminder and actually help you with your goals#and its like. ok what really stuck with me was when i was talking with my bff and i was like ''i think all this stuff is interesting but i#feel bad bc i am superstitious and believe in some signs like lucky numbers but i know that logically its just. if i pick a lucky number of#i pay extra attention to it but i want to believe its lucky but i know how human brains work in that aspect''#and she was just like. ''so? those things dont have to exclude each other'' and it clicked#if i have a little tigers eye with me it does not make me feel more grounded magically#but if i decide (or believe) it's grounding then it will b bc it's a reminder for me to calm down#and stuff#like. ah idk how to put my thoughts into words#but i just think its unfair that a few rotten apples have ruined the perception of fun hobbies for a lot#not every astrology enjoyer is trying to sell you mlm essential oils or genuinely believe peoples entire lives are dictated upon the stars#or something#idk i just feel like these things are v misunderstood even tho im not personally like super into them myself#but ppl super mean about that stuff arent invited to look at my medieval themed fortune telling cards#idkk im sleepy and cant articulate my points someone else say this but better#leevi talks#im just saying. i dont think its bioessentialism to decide to believe you personally have a season for growth when the stars are in a#certain position or whatever
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WOAH, HE'S BIGENDER? I DIDN'T KNOW THAT!
#hey. hey. im just saying. he LITERALLY 'transed his gender' in a diagetic bit in orange. and if that wasnt enough.#in blue he disguised himself as squid jenny specifically with larry's powers (the only thing hes done with them on screen)#got caught by his god-assigned roles-obsessed caretaker. and was given the label of being something intrinsically unescapably deceitful.#while 'pretending' to be trans girl.#like. if i wasnt pretty sure it was all an accident i might even call the allegory here slightly heavy-handed.#with the nccts emphasizing a theme of 'youre not just what people say you are#you can be more than one thing at the same time' with crim#i think crimson can have boygirl swag. some bigender pizzazz. i think he deserves it.#is it REALLY a cpu kerfuffle arc without a subversive narratively relevant gender-transing.#am i supposed to believe the spirit of deviance himself is cis? get fucking real. grow up. /silly#also a lil crimtoinette in there. just for flavor. because i cant help myself.#also sidenote the nccts have given him this cute lil tendency#to tip his hat down to hide his face when hes trying to be Genuine or Thoughtful or Poignant. and i enjoy that little touch#i maybe like this guy a little too much. hes most of what ive drawn for months.#but what do you want from me. i read him as a queercoded villain deconstructed at the metanarrative level.#am i just supposed to be normal about that.#me and zia talked about this in dms and discovered. we came to a lot of the same conclusions. completely independently. lmao#cpuk crimson
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I will never understand the way most people seem to hold terrible resentment towards their previous relationships or some lingering something that makes them use the relationship status as a jump rope
#is this just the aromantic spectrum looking at the failures of amatonormativity again? like wow weren't you supposed to be friends first#is it the fact that a lot of people still genuinely believe people of different genders cant be friends? which is bullshit btw#is this the bpd black and white thinking? like once im done im done im not going back im not playing 'will they wont they return'#(if i ever miss past ppl its just fps. they were never anything more)#is this the npd? like *why* would i give myself more suffering over someone that doesnt matter anymore. im above that#i don't know. people at large dont make sense#but its fine. i choose to read this not as despair over the world being nonsensical#i read this as a victory because im above drama and immune to a lot of grief#anyway.
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spent the first hour and change at work deleting some old files and am having a grand ol time laughing at myself for not realizing i was a lesbian sooner
#vulnerable tag rambles ahead please be kind abt them i didnt intent to ramble this much but i dont wanna delete it eitehr#me to every single man i have ever dated after 6mo-1y: yeah hey this really isnt working out i dont really know why but i really hate mysel#and i dont want to blame you because i dont think you did anything inherently wrong here; i think this is something about me but i need#space to figure out why im feeling this way [every single one reacted by telling me No i wasnt allowed to leave btw]#i hold very complex feelings about these relationships esp bc of them ending in very violent/chaotic ways most of the time#but its interesting to look back at it all and realize ive left every man for the same reason (which is that ive hated myself Every Single#Time ive dated a man) and its funny bc i recognized the self hate pretty early on w/ cishet men but when it came to queer men it was#much more confusing (esp w/ nto knowing Any lesbians at that point in my life). im so happy im a lesbian tbh#i have a lot of issues w/ the racism fatphobia and transmisogyny present in lesbian groups#and also coming out as a lesbian really truly saved my life. before i met my wife i was quite literally in a 3yr abusive relationship that#definitely would have died in if i hadnt realzied i was a lesbian and ran from him#its also weird seeing liek the hard evidence of the things that happened to me btween 2016-2020 tbh#cause that was such a bad time of my life. i truly dont know how i survived it but im so glad i did#like the three major relationships in my life b4 meeting my wife was: guy who was in college when i was in HS who stalked me when i left;#guy who was a year younger than me who cheated on me the entire time while telling me he was being victimized (he wasnt; this was very mess#guy who saw the very messy toxic ldr i was in and helped me dump my ex then decided that meant we were in a relationship [insert 3 yrs here#and admittedly all 3 years with him werent the same level of abusive but it was definitely unhealthy from the start considering I Didnt Kno#we were together until he wanted to celebrate vday and got mad i didnt know our anniversary - and like this isnt including the other stuff#that happened between those Relatonships[tm] (cause ive never been monogamous; these were just the Major Relationships)#like i genuinely think if i hadnt come out i'd be dead rn given just how dangerous my relationships were/continued getting#i am also so tired now that ive seen all this cause like. fuck i can barely believe it and i not only lived it but have PTSD about it#i should write about my life sometime. i feel like it'd be cathartic to try and make a tangible timeline and stories from the years ang stu#anyway yeah. be nice about the tag rambles. dont message me with pity or curiosity or anything about this. i dont usually talk abt this stu#publicly bc i hate the ways ppl start tryign to baby me when they realize my life has been extremely fucked up until only a few years ago#n im still working on accepting kindness from others bc of [insert life traumas here] but its a long process so pls respect my need for jus#being heard rn w/o too much pressure< 3 (but ig if u do read this can u like it cause i feel a little crazy seeing all the evidence of the#stuff i experienced now also cause fuck ik logically it was but also i cant believe it was all real still yk)
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my favorite part about being a tutor is that i get to say "i'm the tutorer!" and then tutor all over the place
#this is my weird way of saying that i love my job#(my 2 hrs per week job 😭 i wish this could be my primary source of income but alas. tis barely a tertiary source of income)#people genuinely seem to find my advice and suggestions helpful! and that makes me feel like the coolest person ever#and also like. idk. i'm good at writing and editing. these are things that i believe about myself. and this job very much reinforces that#i love work that is fulfilling yayy i cant wait to work professionally in editing someday :)))) so excited for my future#audie talks
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MAC OHHH MY FUCKING GOD. ONE OF THE EPISODES OF A SHOW EVER HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE NORMAL AFTER THIS???? HOW???? how long is he going to be FUCKING DEAD FOR!!!! the ashe & mark argument that i felt deep within my soul & miserable on behalf of both parties about them!!! dakotaisms!!! the fucking like. genre conflict of their sillygoofy teen titans shenanigans with a real world where there r men with guns who will simply kill you!! THEYRE WEEKENDING AT BERNIES WILLIAM WISPS PURPLE MORPH SUIT COVERED CORPSE. kicking down your door with a loud bang & then just standing there wild eyed kind of shaking and trembling like a chihuahua
DUUUUDE DUDE DUDE DUDE HEAH. FUCK. s1e19 definitely one of my favorites of all time. i listened to that one during the back half of my shift this afternoon and got to the ashe/mark argument just as i was starting pm checks.... standing in the cramped laundry room in the basement washing my filter socks like
i think about them so much dude. AND THEYRE BOTH RIGHT. WHICH MAKES IT HURT MORE. LIKE. BOTH THEIR SIDES ARE SO REAL. i cannot wait for u to learn more about them pleaseeeee i need 2 talk winters family analysis with you when you get to . certain parts. season 2 is gonna fucking wreck u i know it.
BUT. THEY BALANCE IT OUT WITH THE SILLIES SO VERY FUCKING WELL. GOD. good fucking show dude. good fucking show !!!!!! williams ghost throwing ice cubes at mark while his fucking. rotting corpse sits in the bathtub!!! what thefuck man
#ITS REALLY FUNNY LIKE. JUST HOW FUCKING EMO THIS SHOW MAKES ME. AND LIKE. SEASON 1 IS TAME. IF U CAN BELIEVE IT.#i know i keep hyping up season 2 but genuinely i have not full on sobbed at a show like i did at pd season 2 in so long.#like. could not listen to the show at work bc i fully could not stop myself from crying#and didnt want to do that outside the safety of my apartment type episodes.#ughhhhhh#HEY. ON THE BRIGHT SIDE. ONE OF MY FAVORITE MARK WINTERS MOMENTS HAPPENS AT THE BEGINNING OF THE NEXT EPISODE. ITS SO FUCKING SILLY.#also i have an animatic of it so i cant wait 2 send u that when u get there hehehehehe#im strategically not answering any of your questions about wiwi because if i start talking about him rn ill go crazy .#literally always thinking about wiwi wisp at all times every day#u come stand in the doorway of my room shaking like a chihuahua#and i am sitting here on the couch like. a fuckign . grizzled old pyrenees who has spent his life battling coyotes#asks#friends!!!#intertexts#UGHGHGHH GOING CRAZY ABOUT PRIME DEFENDERS FOREVER.#OH I CAN SEND YOU TRIVIA NOW. YIPPEE
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like LOOK AT THEMMMMMM they make me fucking crazy theyre so shaped they go so well together im gonna bite someone.
#forcing myself not to act like a rabid animal every time i see art of them. stay in the box NO stay in the box NOOOOO GET OUT OF MY SKINNN#this little doodle of them is like my favorite thing in the entire world rn#ALSO THIS ONE FUCKING COMIC OF THE END OF WEEK 3 THAT MADE ME GO INTO CARDIAC ARREST#i cant share it here unfortunately since it was a patreon exclusive but it was gorggeoussssss perfectly in the game's style with#super cool shading and dynamic shots and expressions. and it was just pico deciding to spare bf and it genuinely made me CRAZYYYYY#i cant stop fucking looking at it.#''listen... there's a lot i'm sorry for... consider this my apology alright? stay fresh bf.'' <- I NEED TO KILL SOMEONEEEEEEEEE#and bf goes from surprised to grinning and he waves pico off WHAT IF WE ALL KILLED OURSELVES. I CANT BELIEVE IVE GOTTEN TO THIS POINT.#THESE FUCKING BEEP BOOP CREATURES ARE MAKING ME LOSE MY MINDDDDDDDD#serena.txt#AND they're all autistic. can it get better than this
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Hi hella!!!
I feel like i always start these off or end them by saying that these things are going to be incomprehensible in some way, mainly bc i have trouble translating whats going on in my mind into written words so i really dont know how much of my list thingies make sense to you but this one is especially probably going to not make much sense. (also bc i send them a lot when im either very tired or not sober, but i am sober and wide awake rn so this might be a different kind of incomprehensible)
I found one of my old drafts for an ask from around a year ago and it was a follow up response to the last chapter you posted at the time, so im not sure how its going to sound without the context of that specific chapter, but i also mentioned in one of my other asks that i add stuff in last minute and that ask i added a shit ton of stuff so i dont have any of that pretyped out so im going by memory. But im sending it again bc i havent seen you answer it
(please do not interpret this as ‘why didnt you answer my ask >:/’ or me rushing you to answer asks or anything like that, but like I said its been a year so im assuming tumblr ate it. If not and you just havent cleaned out your ask box and you find the original, congratulations you’ll know what i originally said. Bc idk how accurate this will be)
SO
Theres two different ways that you seem to write metaphors (idk if thats what theyre called im not caught up on my literary terminology)
(im scrolling through your blog rn looking for my other asks and tumblr really did you dirty in your asks system like i started scrolling and the third one down was from 2021 and im fighting for my life trying to find my tag (thank you for my tag btw its very useful to me))
Anywho, most of your metaphors ( to me) can be split into two categories. Theres the simple ones and the complex ones. Now this might seem obvious but im going to explain to you how these have different effects on my brain.
An example of the ‘simple’ ones is
““If Nanook’s tone had a note of seriousness, then Zuko’s was the entire orchestra.”” (idk what chapter this is from its been a while)
You have a lot of these kinds of whatever the haick kind of literary technique this is (is this a metaphor i’ve been trying to google it for like ½ an hour and i cant figure it out) BUT these type of things that are simple and easy to process is one of my favorite things about the way you write. I think this is a very common technique but the way you do it to me is just a lot more unique than the ways ive seen it done before. Its extremely fluent with the voice of the characters and brings a perfect kind of vibe to the ‘conversation’ (or story, text, whatever) and it paints the picture of what your trying to say perfectly. I also really like how these types of things arent ever in Zukos pov a lot (sometimes it is, but not nearly as much, I’ve noticed) and its not in the more serious like revelations that you drop these in. Like I said, it adds to the voice of the characters, bc of the contrast of Zuko constantly having revelations and dramatic archs and stuff, and the other characters just in general being a lot more calm. Its like when youre listening to a song and you have the lyrics and the like ‘main’ music behind the lyrics, but then when you listen to the song a lot you notice the smaller, like backup music that adds a lot to the song and makes it a lot more enjoyable than if it was just the lyrics and the louder more up front music.
Then in contrast you have the bigger ‘metaphors’
An example of this is ‘You curse in words already invented’
THIS IS MY FAVORITE LINE IN THE ENTIRE FIC.
OF ANY FIC OR BOOK EVER READ
AND THIS IS WHY
When I tell you I could not figure out what this meant for months I am AWFUL with stuff like this and interpreting it my english teachers hate me bc of it. Id have the question ‘why were the curtains blue’ and my answer would be ‘bc the people who decorated the room like blue maybe theyre interior designers and it goes with the room 😊 and thats so hot of them bc i love blue too’
But even thought i couldnt figure it out it stayed in my head and i probably thought about it once a day (i mean this literally, i think about that part all the time) and i cant remember the context for that or anything but i do remember that i knew it was a wonderful phrase.
I’ve mentioned in my other asks how whenever im reading anything at all that you’ve written (whether its tams, or toab, or in the tags of something even if its like 10 words), everything you type comes out so fluidly like a formula or a color wheel or however i put it last time i talked about this. And this is on the prodigious end of the spectrum of this.
But phrases like that are another part of the fic, theyre like the lyrics of the song. Like the phrases that gets all the attention and gets put in fanart and that gets quoted in comment sections because they deserve that recognition and you deserve that recognition and are just a reminder of how incredibly talented you are.
I mean that in the most sincere way that i know how to express.
I am constantly in awe of you and your writing style, and i really do think of you as one of the most talented writers of everything ive ever read.
And something else worth mentioning is that it isnt just your ao3 that portrays that. Like if I were to just read your ao3 I’d be like ‘oh wow this person is an amazing writer’ But your tumblr persona plays into it a lot more (In my opinion). Because then you see like more ‘backround’ stuff on ao3. And more of your system (im not articulating this in the way i mean it very well) and you get privy to the fact that you’re not a 30 year old with a masters in english and that you’ve never had any formal education on writing. I vaguely remember you talking about a story about a sailor (??? i might be misremembering that) that you wrote when you were a child and thinking ‘oh wow so she’s always been like that’. And its stuff like that that you dont get on ao3 that kind of reaffirms how incredible of a writer you are.
And this (to me) makes you a really easy person to admire. (ik i touched on this in a different ask but i dont remember if it was one of my list asks or not) but as someone who probably isnt going to ever be able to get an education around writing, it kind of reassures me that i dont need that to be great at it.
(i kind of feel like a lot of the stuff in this ask is too like ‘simple’ or obvious to be given a lot of weight, but this whole thing is about the kinds of things you do that brings me personally joy and the metaphors are one of them so)
Also on an off note when i was looking through your asks to try to find my tag, I noticed that i send you a heavy percentage of your anonymous asks (mainly without my alias) and I thought that was funny. But also i hope it doesnt come across as obsessive or weird, I swear i do that to a lot of people on here, I’m just a very social person. .😂
Also Im in your tbos server (lurking in the shadows) and someone pointed out that whenever you do the reaction emojis you always do the white ones, and thats going on the official ‘my favorite things about hella’ list because that was genuinely one of the funniest things ive seen.
Also the ‘anytime you type its very fluid (im too lazy to scroll up and see how i put it rn) also carrys on to discord. I think that i could probably block out the user names and be able to figure out that its you talking every time, you have a very distinct way of talking.
Also i wanted to mention that every time you answer these i read them again and i want to say like 1/3 of what i sasy, i have no recollection of. And i never have any idea what im talking about. so i think thats funny.
LIST ANONNNNNNNNNNNNN BAWLING MY EYES OUT HELLO BABY WELCOME BACK FROM WAR IVE MISSED YOU IM JUST HERE LIKE THIS RN
#this is so something i needed to hear rn bc always during exam season i 'lose' my ability to write like even the writing i do get done#just feels so fucking stale and awful imo and i just have to force myself to push through or else ill have a crisis about it#so i started studying in DECEMBER and it's now almost february exams are done but i CANT get out of that mindset for some reason#like ive been in a really bad writing flunk where im ABLE to write but the stuff i do write just feels genuinely terrible#like im losing it about dog teeth atm bc this story i was so in love with just feels so basic and underwhelming on a reread#and idk how much of that is me being insane and perfectionist and how much is valid criticism#so being told that actually there are people who not only enjoy my writing but are so thoroughly convinced it's a fundamental part of me#and something i am inherently GOOD at to the point even the way i talk CASUALLY is telling of it is just. oughhh im pacing my room#and the fact it doesn't HAVE to be my pretentious prose shit sometimes the more 'basic' stuff is STILL good. you're in my walls#i cant believe you're in the discord i hope you say hi!!! i dont bite!!! <- lying#also those assholes can take my silly white emojis from my COLD DEAD HANDS. white thumbs down will never die#ask#list anon
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Goooosh it’s always the weirdest things that I do that I feel like are super cringey and stupid like. If someone else did it I would not care I’d probably love it but if I did it I’m insufferable and weird and cringey and GOSH DANG IT why can’t I just have fun with things bro 😭😭😭😭
#like remember that grimace shake?#I cant look at the images anymore#I feel so stupid for doing it and idk why 😭😭😭#same thing with that fic with villain squad and Linebeck#but y’all made me feel better about that so I don’t feel like it’s bad anymore#but man when I was writing and proofreading it I was dying on the inside#and now this#why can’t I just have fun man :(((#and like. I believe there is genuine cringe and wholesome cringe#wholesome cringe is just people enjoying their lives and having fun#and this is all wholesome cringe and I love it when other people do stuff like this#but why can’t I give myself the same luxury#ah#do y’all think I’m silly and stupid an cringe#smiles rambles
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"Just go over and ask to join a group, it's as simple as that!" Actually no it isn't I've been crying about it for like 2 hours.
#love when im the only one in class without a partner for group work#genuinely like in the top 5 worst feelings imo#its not really a big deal. but it is to me. and it wasnt just “i dont have a partner”#it was “my only friend in this class picked a girl shes known for 4 days over me even though weve been friends since middle school”#love being autistic!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i cannot fucking waut until high school is over.#this year has been good so far but i think this specific class is ruined for me.#i need to talk to my teacher because i cant keep having this happen.#like i think this is genuinely trauma for me because ive been experiencing this my whole life and i just cant fucking do it anymore.#id rather do 5 peoples worth of work by myself than work in a group#not exaggerating with the trauma thing. it goes way deeper than i can/would like to explain. but believe me.#ngl the interaction w/ my teacher was a little funny.#like im glad it doesnt seem like a big deal to you mr adult man.#but me personally i just felt a part of my soul being crushed. so..
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#me? about to use tumblr as a diary again? in 2024? unfortunately:/#but here have a waterfall i saw on a hike last week as payment#i am sO tired and exhausted emotionally after dating#there's this guy that i fr thought was going to last and be around for a long time. we spent like every moment together that we could for 2#months straight and if we werent physicaly together we were texting or calling or on ft . just every part of our day had the other in it#not once did i ever feel unwanted undesired or uncared for. not once did i feel that i wasnt sure of his intentions. i felt safer with him#in those 2 months than i ever did with any one else i could think to compare to.#until one day he just didnt think it important to communicate any more. after 3 days of nearly nothing .. hardly any talking . i asked if#he was ok if we were ok. what was going on in his head. he said some ive just been with my buddies and family and havent been on my phone#and just. immediately thats heartbreak yanno. thats :// thats what they say when theres a new girl. but there'd never been a reason to think#there was another girl so i was like ok we're gonna trust bc this dude has been So good in every way. so i said imy but i understand. enjoy#your time with your buddies and with your fam -- i cant wait to hear about it (and hold you)#and i havent heard from him in the 3 weeks since. just randomly#so last night#i send the dreaded 'i miss you' text.#i dont expect to hear back and i accept the hurt that will come with that and the confusion that i've felt settles deeper into my heart#until this afternoon i hop on ig and see a hard launch that was posted an hour after my text was sent#that shit kinda hurt different. but also sent me into a bit of a delirious state where all i could do is laugh bc are you for fucking real#did she see my message? i know it. bc i know him and i know that he wouldnt hide anything from the person he's giving his heart#and his softness to. i can almost imagine how he showed her and promised her theres nothing to worry about#and there really isnt anything to worry about because he genuinely is the type to give his all to the relationship he's in#which feels silly to say after what happened w us. like no there wasnt a title ever#it sucks to call it a situationship because a month ago we were laughing in bed together about how we could never bc we were all in.#just the timing of the hard launch makes me giggle. did my text push them to have a conversation about what they are. was she really the#reason that he went away on me.#im trying not to blame myself . trying not to think about the phone calls i didnt answer. about what i could have done differently. trying#not to think about where we would be if i didnt let my anxieties hold me back. if i wasnt scared about what he'd think of the parts of me#that i keep hidden just a little bit longer than the rest.#and at the same time im trying not to put him on a pedestal. but that pedestal is just where i wholeheartedly believe he belongs#he set the bar for me. he set the standard. i was never too much. i was never too little. he made me feel perfect just as i am
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hi im gonna say it right fucking now
you are not an ally if you're ignoring and speaking over queer voices trying to correct and help you know the right information.
ive been quiet for a while but a former mutual i know irl has been honestly the worst to me. i am tired of normies that are "allies", attacking queer alt people.
this person also insanely belittled my issues on a continuous, every day basis. i am exhausted.
she has also talked down and negatively about people who have committed suicide after devastating natural disasters. not listening to me telling her how wrong she was and trying to explain to her.
stubbornness is not an excuse. shut the fuck up sometimes and just listen for once.
#straight ally#awareness#cishet nonsense#the cishets are at it again#god i cant believe this has to be said#oh my god ive endured this bitch for the past few months and i just can't anymore#she told me the other day “you suck”#and i told her everyone does#she told me no#and that i just suck#and said she has friends that are way nicer and better to her#even though shes treated me like trash for the past few months#so i told her “so why dont you fucking talk to them”#i am so tired that i genuinely am keeping myself from screaming at these people DAILY.
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you know maybe 'when i die ill be reincarnated into my paracosm' is not the best belief to foster within yourself
#But also. i need to believe in something. i need to believe in SOME kind of light at the end of the tunnel#same thing with shifting ngl.... i need it to be real. please be real. Please be real.#i dont even believe in a god but i need shifting to be real and i need reincarnation to be real. because i cant do this forever LOL#i cant keep going on like this im genuinely such a miserable and useless person to be around#i dont offer literally anything to anyone. like i need to start over. i need to be someone different. i cant be myself for another 60 years#that is such a horrible concept. living like this. in this world. god get me out of here. i cant live like this LOL#basically everythings bad forever and none of it will be fixed in my lifetime 👍#i need you to kill me fr#personal#talking tag
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🌷
#i cant believe i could've almost been his girlfriend!!!!#im sad that he never asked me and never waited ....#because i know me and im dependable and devoted#i go all in if i love#but instead he .. fell in love fast and quick and i get it. i get why he fell for her i really do so i dont blame him#but... they only lasted a month then they broke up#she left. and i get that she and i are different people#but i cannot fathom how you can have HIM and leave him#i cant even imagine my life without him. he is genuinely all i think about#and she left.... !!!!! i cant understand that (from my pov. she is her own person i know)#i just wish he'd stuck it out and given me a chance (bc he did feel those things for me he said that)#i know the heart want what it wants but oh how i wish#i would've been with him until now. i would've never have left him#i wish i wish he didnt do that bc now he's even more heartbroken and i know it'll just be harder for me to maybe prove myself to him#(btw this sounds super selfish but this is only me venting my feelings!!!)#im still here for him. i've never left. i've been so so patient. isnt that worth anything?#most of the time it feels like he doesnt even appreciate me :( at all#i just cannot believe that HE once upon a time wanted ME to be his gf#if things just had gone a bit differently i would've been so lucky to call myself his#and him mine... that's so crazy to me#that's my dream...#i dont wanna give up on him bc i love him sm i cant imagine any other way my life can go#but.... i cant push if he isnt even replying... i cant bother him too much#then im just crazy#and my anxities arent even letting me message him at all#bc even if i asked if it's ok and he said im not bothering him#im convinced i am. i mean it really seems and feels like i am doing that#so i just cannot even message him..... which makes my life so empty i wanna cry#sometimes i wish i'd never met him bc my love for him has ruined my life now that i cant have him
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don cherry losing his job isn't enough I need to personally beat him up
#i watching the russian five#and like wow hes really been a pos since the dawn of time#i genuinely cant believe he had a platform for as long as he did#talking to myself
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