#not exaggerating with the trauma thing. it goes way deeper than i can/would like to explain. but believe me.

[canislupusangelus]

"Just go over and ask to join a group, it's as simple as that!" Actually no it isn't I've been crying about it for like 2 hours.

[miyomiikonran]

As always, I reemerge from the void to write about smth I just watched.

Honestly I didn't expect myself to enjoy Helluva Boss as much as I did! And once again, I have to thank the fanbase for it, as I decided to watch it after seeing endless cool arts and analyses of certain characters that made me give it a chance, despite not being all that convinced, mainly due to main character(s) and designs. But about this later!

You see, I happened to know Vivzie's art style and some of her early YouTube animations that I stumbled across accidentally as an older teen, so when I saw Hazbin Hotel pilot, I knew I would love to watch it even if just to see what that one artist I recognize is up to lately. Overall theme was pretty appealing to me too, as I enjoy this kind of reversed dynamic where sinners aren't as bad as one would assume and can do good if they want, while the good ones, often portrayed as religious side and/or heaven is called out for their mistakes. Sorry not sorry, childhood religious trauma here 🤷 Later I just grew to like certain characters (mainly Angel Dust, Alastor and Husk) so I knew I would watch it just to see what's gonna happen with them.

However, with Helluva Boss... Sadly, main characters at the first glance didn't seem like my kind of thing, overall aesthetic with more animalistic designs weren't my thing as well, so I just intended to skip it. Well, I did for a long time as you could see! But fandom did what the fandom does the best, hyping about their favourite characters of the show both in art and writing, which always is such a hook for me, as I love to hype and hyperfocus on things I love too. In particular, I saw multiple people talking about Stolas and Fizzarolli, both of which were the closest to my liking kinds of characters. They ended up being my two favourites after watching the whole show uwu Other than them, I absolutely adored every moment of Moxxie and Millie being two sweethearts against all odds! Can't count how many times those two dorks made me laugh!

What's funny, both shows did exactly the same impression on me with their main characters though, I couldn't care all that much if it wasn't for others around them >u>" Charlie just isn't all that appealing due to her trying to be picture-perfect, almost like a Disney princess, so I'm gonna wait for some more drama and action around her. I really liked the moment when her and Alastor made a deal, I saw it as her finally leaving the peaceful way behind when faced with ignorance, so I'm interested to see how that goes and if I will change my mind about her.

With Blitz... I suppose the reason why I don't like him very much on his own is that his actions and words are very exaggerated (duh, it's set in hell, obviously they will be awful) but at the same time it didn't seem like he suffers the consequences for what he does and how he treats others (at least all the way till now when it finally started to bite his ass) and even when he sees he hurts people (like when rekindling his relationship with Fizzarolli) he still doesn't change his approach towards others. I'm pretty sure we might dive a bit deeper into his past and reasoning since for now it was just briefly mentioned and shown in flashbacks, not directly through his eyes, so maybe my judgement will change as well. He gives me mixed feelings, especially his struggles with self-worth and pushing people away hit close to home, but his violent reactions and absolutely horrible word choices push me away a bit. However, if I would have to choose between him and Charlie, Blitz wins me over so far cus his struggles are much more complex and messy, it's intriguing even if it makes me mad lol. And Charlie is just *shrug* here I suppose. No offense to the fans of either of those characters, not my cup of tea and that's all.

In the end, once again, thank you to the artists for their fanart and to everyone who takes their time to analyze and make threads about what they liked about these shows! It really can convince others to watch even if they didn't plan to at first! I'm glad I gave Helluva Boss a chance in the end!

[hologramcowboy]

Many of us have speculated over what’s wrong with Jensen and why he seems so unhappy. But I wonder if a big part of it (not all since he clearly doesn’t like being around his wife, either) is The Winchesters. I don’t believe that he actually thinks the show is good, not if he has eyes and ears. I think he arrogantly assumed that if Dean was attached to it, it would be a success no matter what the quality was, but I don’t think he saw the quality being THIS low. I think he’s embarrassed to be attached to it. He looks like he’s in physical pain when he has to do Lives for it. And his Tweets or Instagram posts about it are minimal. I think he must have faced some heat from the higher-ups for the show's underperformance, and they likely forced his hand and that’s when we finally saw him on social media, tweeting (or he took some advice from Jared, too little too late). I think he’s feeling a little humiliated right now. And frankly, if that’s part of why he’s unhappy, he brought it on himself for the way he acted with the whole nightmare prequel.

Despite what it may sound like, I truly hope he figures things out and finds something to be happy about in his life, but I also hope he took a lesson from the prequel debacle (both about professionalism and friendship) and learns from this mistake.

You make an excellent point, the backlash for the prequel and for the nepotism he demonstrated surely got to him but it does seem his pain runs deeper than that. I will say something I learned from an Acting Coach friend who has a degree in Psychology, people who are extremely beautiful are used to being worshiped, when something happens that causes contrast to that they can experience trauma. Meaning, Jensen is not used to being criticized, especially since people fake most things and worship him in exaggerated ways to get on his good side and be able to get close to him. There are a lot of psychological aspects to consider as even that is extremely damaging, never knowing who truly loves you for you and who is just aiming to take advantage. But my point was, it's possible Jensen is experiencing an emotional collapse because after building an unrealistic superego based on the image his "fans" developed of him, he is now facing criticism for very valid reason and as an extremely attractive person, who is used to being worshiped, that does register as a trauma on some level which only amplifies his clear depression. I agree, his tweets show he's not really into the show, he did no research prior to beginning live-tweeting and continues to do things halfa****, in all of his interviews his lack of excitement and lack of authenticity came through. He stepped on a dear friend to get his prequel so there's no doubt also a guilt factor, as he is human, after all. Same goes for the live, he seemed off and was trying to overcompensate.

He also seems to be surrounded by leeches, people who are only interested in taking advantage of his image and money. Danneel being the prime example, her entire career was built by banking on his image and influence and making him insert her in his deals. I too hope he finds what he is looking for in terms of fulfillment, happiness and well-being. Of course, like you, I also hope he will take the wisdom from his past experience and apply to the future to avoid recreating painful situations that cast him in a bad light. That's the thing about dark night of the soul, you do come out of them wiser and more capable of building the life you actually want because you learn through all the contrast.

Sending you Love, thank you for enriching me with your perspective.

[caffeinatedopossum]

Ayy thought spiral with me (tw ocd vent/existential crisis?)

I don't think people understand what I'm referring to being hopeless when I say "it's hopeless". I'm not talking about my depression. I'm not even talking about my chronic pain or my trauma. I'm talking about what I call my existential ocd- "there is no way out but through" simply doesn't apply here.

There is no way out but *out*. And no one can show me the way. So I keep going through, down this tunnel, into this maze. I go deeper and deeper searching for something I'm quite aware I will never find but am compelled to chase, as if by some other worldly force. But I'm told the force is generated from within. Everyday of my life, I've walked this path and no other. Thats not an exaggeration- every day since I learned how to form thought I have been *obsessed* with figuring things out. It's who I am. It's what I care about.

I describe different kinds of emotional pain differently- mental illness is, as its name implies, an illness. It might go away forever with treatment or be chronic and need to be managed long term, but it can usually be managed. Trauma is a wound, one that often leaves permanent scars but can heal nonetheless. Grief is amputation, it's simply a loss with no replacement, but life can grow around that and become fuller in time. But this... this is something else. Something I struggle to put into words. It's me. It's the self, dissolving under the weight of uncertainty and compulsion, unable to exist in a normal way.

People will probably say "you shouldn't identify yourself with it then" but you don't understand. Where are the people who are like me or who were but then changed? Show me one, thats a genuine request. I'm irrevocably seperate from everyone who hasn't traveled this path and I haven't met or heard of anyone who has traveled it before me. And if there is someone who traveled it, did they get out? Or would I simply follow them round and around, deeper into this spiral... The "end goal" for me cannot ever be the same end goal that anyone different from me has achieved. That's why other people succeeding gives me no hope (or jealousy). There is not a person who has ever fully comprehended the absurdity and complexity- and what I'm beginning to believe is probably rarity- of my situation.

And no- I don't want to think of myself as different. I don't want to be special. If anything negative about me is rare, then its pathological, and if anything positive about me is rare, then it's crushingly disappointing to think that others are not even as good as I am. Yes, I'm seeing things unusually negatively. And being unusually critical. But- and I say this devoid of all pride- I'm an unusual person.

Its something that goes beyond loneliness. It's the ache of innate separation, due to the responsibility of awareness, the compulsive nature I can't discard, and so many more things. I am reaching out but no one can reach back, no one can do anything to reach me here. And I don't think I'd want them to if they could. Because then they would be here too. With me, yes, but *here*. In this death before death. I'm thinking it's better to be separate, to be misunderstood, than to be assured that this is real, that I'm not simply being overly dramatic or deluding myself into some kind of waking nightmare.

This might be more a prayer than a cry for help but please- if there is anyone out there who's been where I am, and who could, through some repplicable feat, manage to get out... please let me reach you. I am so tired.

[roobylavender]

i know you’ve talked a bit about your own version of events that diverge primarily concerning damian’s origin (if i recall correctly) but i’m interested in how you would handle tim? would he still be robin, what would his arc look like, do you think he should’ve been robin at all ? (just cause i know some people believe he shouldn’t in canon)

i actually really enjoy tim's introduction as robin bc (next to jason) it's the perfect example of how ludicrous robin is as an entity. with dick while there's a day-to-day life he lives that we get to see in parallel in earlier comics, a lot of it is taken in jest. bruce and dick's adventures in the golden age and even parts of the silver age are mostly comical and there's little continuity to speak of so there aren't really any consequences to speak of until dick goes to college. with jason's run we only really get to see hard-hitting consequences once he dies, and most of his run prior to that is plot driven with very few moments spared to showcase what his civilian life is like (most of which can be attributed to mike w. barr). what i appreciate about tim's robin run (and what i imagine other people comparatively find mind-numbing and boring) is that it delves into all of minutiae of being a teenager and a vigilante at the same time. the bizarre sudden absences, the sleeplessness, the school situation, the danger, the rift with your parents because they don't know where you are or what you're doing, the pressures of keeping your identity secret from your peers when you're only a kid and you want to have relationships but you don't know how to maintain them. tim being an outsider to bruce's family is precisely what makes his robin run so striking and revelatory. unless it runs in the family (and even then there are problems) it's hard to be a kid vigilante. delusional almost. and this status quo is even more exaggerated for tim bc he happens to become robin at one of the worst period's in bruce's (and consequently gotham's) life. a thirteen-going-on-fifteen-year-old is led to believe he is one of the only pieces of duct tape holding all of this shit together to the point his activities merit his father moving them to an entirely different city for a while. it's crazy! and eventually, it is going to get to him! it literally did! and personally i think it should have stayed that way

tim became robin not as part of a long-form response to trauma (albeit the trauma of what happened to his parents obv factored into some things) but bc of his own misconceptions as to what gotham needed to survive. he was a child, acting like a child, thinking like a child, etc. and albeit along different parameters the same would apply to jason as well. robin was more like a temporary phase for either of them than it was necessarily as a central identity around which to develop themselves entirely (a la dick). it should not have been permanently in the cards, and while the concept of legacy within dc is certainly interesting, this is one area where the compounded history, imo, should have espoused every reason why not to continue the robin identity's existence. every question and concern posed at the onset of tim's transition into robin should have been resoundingly answered rather than forgotten and left to the wayside as he was plunged deeper and deeper into the abyss of vigilante violence and death. he was a kid! he had a misconception about his own place in the world. and little by little he realized that while he would always have an inclination towards saving others he wasn't sure that this was the way he wanted to go about his life. i'm not opposed to tim staying connected to bruce and everyone else, but i don't think he has to remain a vigilante to do that. in fact, that to me is one of the greatest crimes of modern batman canon in general: the idea that every relevant connection bruce maintains has to be a masked villain or hero of some kind. bruce used to be friends with socialites! reporters! doctors! and it's not to say he isn't still but they're certainly more severely peripheral than they used to be. every other major dc hero has a significant civilian cast but for some reason bruce's own collective either steadily dwindled or was recharacterized and manipulated into playing a part in the grand game (think vicki finding out bruce was batman and the whole blackmail and death shtick that happened after)

so. to address your first question. i do want tim to be involved in that time period in everyone's life, but i want him to be involved as tim. not robin. as someone coming to terms with what he's been through and what he can do going forward. kind of like a singular greek chorus if you will. an observer to the party who occasionally interjects with striking gravitas. someone who enters and exits the story at leisure. that guy over at the manor on a saturday while all hell breaks loose in the parlor (they've found damian, they know he exists, what are they going to do, what do they even say). that guy committed to his new life as a boring and ordinary teenager with a video game addiction but also a perpetual itch to scratch who breaks his abstinence rule one night to stalk the red hood and ask what the hell, man? you know bruce still loves you more than anyone, right? while jason (bewildered, bereaved) tells him to buzz off before he puts a bullet through him (he never would). that guy who meets up with cissie the first friday of every month to talk about what it's like to live with this void where they feel like they're doing nothing even though they know the horrors of picking it all up again are worse. that guy who has to sit with this weird pit in his stomach while his girlfriend comes to terms with her own place in the world bc he knows now that he can't do it for her any more than bruce couldn't do it for him. that guy who still visits barbara in the watchtower and does homework while they trade jokes and jibes about whatever gotham's got going on and maybe sometimes he gives a stray opinion. that guy who has to convince his dad that there's nothing out of the ordinary happening to explain why suddenly he's always here, he's answering phone calls, he's showing up for dinner. that guy who finds his old corkboard with photographs and newspaper clippings and pushpins and red string and goes to the store the next day to buy a camera bc hey, maybe there's no reason to stalk batman anymore, but he still likes the feel of a camera in his hands and someone told him last week there's an internship for a junior photographer at the local newspaper with vicki vale. maybe this is how he helps. maybe this is how he feels useful without sacrificing so much of himself in the process

[ashintheairlikesnow]

A Little Bit Stabbed

Jake Gets Stabbed Miniseries: First Second Third Fourth Fifth Sixth

CW: Discussion of past child abuse/domestic violence, description of stab wound, painkillers/drugged but in a good way, brief IV needle reference, some short references to Jake’s religious trauma, some trauma response stuff

“Took four of us to get you onto the couch, you know,” Kauri says, fingers moving gently to brush Jake’s short hair back off his forehead. There’s a hint of humor to his deep voice, but Jake catches the tremor in it, too. “You’re heavier than you look.”

“Must be… pretty fucking heavy, then,” Jake manages, voice slightly thin. They gave him something - Nat’s EMT friend showed up with IV supplies while refusing to tell anyone where they’d gotten ahold of everything from, except to repeatedly reassure all of them I know someone, it’s taken care of, I probably won’t go to jail for this. Besides, I’ve been in jail before.

Jake might not have found it very reassuring if he wasn’t halfway to unconscious from the pain alone at the time.

Now, though, there’s a needle feeding a steady supply of something wonderful into his bloodstream, holding the worst of the pain at bay. All he can feel now is maybe a little bit of an itch he knows better than to scratch, and a heaviness to his limbs that keeps them limp and relaxed. 

“We had to turn the stupid thing into the pull-out bed just to make sure your feet wouldn’t be higher than your head.” Kauri smiles at him, but there’s worry in those warm blue eyes, and Jake uses every ounce of strength to lift his good hand, the one on the uninjured side, and take Kauri’s, pulling his knuckles to his lips to brush against them. 

“I’m okay,” Jake says softly. “I am, Kaur. It’s not so bad.”

“It’s not-... you got fucking stabbed in your own kitchen, Jake.” Kauri’s lips thin and he looks away, over towards the TV, playing Clue.

Funny, Jake thinks, woozy and untethered to any kind of focus. My mom used to play Clue when we were alone, after. Made her feel better for a while.

“Just a… a flesh wound,” Jake manages in a terrible approximation of a British accent.

Kauri just looks at him, expression serious, and leans over until their foreheads touch. He’s warm, and Jake’s eyes close, basking in the body heat that comes off of him, surrounds them both. “Don’t,” Kauri whispers. “Please don’t make jokes. I thought-”

“It’s okay,” Jake murmurs. 

Eventually, he should probably tell someone he can only sort of feel the hand on the injured side. But not now. 

“It’s okay. It’s not s’bad. I got the good drugs, right?”

“Antibiotics and…” Kauri squints at the label on the bag attached to the IV, then winces and shakes his head. “Sorry. Can’t read today. It, uh. It kind of comes and goes when I’m worried, and today-”

“I get it. But… you don’t have to worry about me, Kaur. It’s over, it happened… I’ll feel better pretty fast. It’s okay.”

“It’s not,” Kauri says softly, but he relaxes beside Jake, keeping a hold of his hand. His fingers are slightly chilled, but they warm against Jake’s. The two of them settle into silence for a while, a woman in black on the TV with eyes blown wide in comic exaggeration of anger speaking in a blur of sound Jake knows by heart but can’t really pick apart from anything else, not just yet, not right now. 

He knows this movie by heart. He and his mom used to curl up under a blanket while she closed her eyes and prayed for things to get better and Jake prayed for his dad to die in a car accident or some other terrible way, and make it slow, and then pray with terror not to go to hell for thinking like that.

If men like his father go to heaven, Jake would rather burn in hell.

At least my favorite bands would be there, he thinks, and laughs to himself, shoulders shaking a little, sending a ripple of pain down his arm and spiking into his skull. He winces, but the thought still strikes him as too funny to quit circling woozily around his mind, and he keeps laughing a little.

Kauri turns to look at him, eyebrows raised. “What are you laughing at?”

Jake blinks over at him, those wide blue eyes. It had been hell not to be able to hold him for so long, with eyes like that. Real hell, the kind where you spend your days wishing for a connection that seems too hard to make. “Nothing, just… thinking about shit with my dad,” He says, finally. “My mom and I used to watch Clue all the time. It’s her favorite movie.”

“Yeah?” Kauri looks over his shoulder, back at the television, and Jake’s eyes move lazily over the slight bump in his nose where it was broken by someone years ago, the dip of his lips, the roundness of his chin, angling a little with age. The way his neck would feel to trace with just one fingertip, how he smiles when Jake does it, asks him what the fuck he’s looking at when there’s way more to Kauri that needs attention right now than just his face.

There’s a lazy wave of warmth in Jake, a steady thrum of something that goes much deeper than arousal, at the memory.

Adoration.

“Yeah,” He says, softly. “She’d put it on when he left the house, we’d make popcorn and watch it. Saturday night special, popcorn and a movie, Mom and Jake.”

“Where’d your dad go?” Kauri asks, then the answer catches up with him, and he winces. “Wait, sorry. I think I know where he went.”

“Church.”

That is clearly not what Kauri expected to hear. “I-... what?” He turns back to Jake, eyebrows furrowing. “I thought-”

“Nope. He went to church. Fish fry on Saturdays, he volunteered.” Jake is dimly aware that this might be more than he’s ever told Kauri about his father, at least more than he’s ever said that wasn’t laser-focused on the hurts, the bruises, the concussion, the ER visits where Jake learned to lie. “He was a magician with a deep fryer. Best fucking fish I ever ate.” He laughs, then coughs a little against the new round of ache in his shoulder. 

Kauri is quiet for a moment, his eyes searching Jake’s face, maybe looking for an idea of how to respond the right way. Jake knows that look - he’s seen it less and less over the years, but it never fully stops.

Kauri never stops looking for the safe answer, the one that won’t get him hurt. Jake never stops being ready to fight his way out if it happens again. Kauri is still ready to say what the abuser needs to hear, placate and please and keep himself alive.

Jake is still ready to pick up a weapon and use it if his father ever comes near he or his mother again. Not that he ever will. Not that he even wants to, sixteen years after Jake last saw his face. 

But he’s still built, deep within, to fight the threat. And so is Kauri, in his own way. 

“I love you so much,” Jake says softly. “I hope you didn’t pull anything dragging my ass around.”

“Mmmn, guess I’ll find out,” Kauri says softly, snuggling back up to him, then. “Should we change the movie? If it’s, like, a thing for you-”

“Nah.” Jake smiles, slightly. He feels pleasantly drunk, on whatever the painkiller slowly drip-feeding into his arm is. A little woozy, a little bit in love with it. “It’s like a comfort thing, really. I should call my mom-”

“I already did,” Kauri says, gently pushing him back down as Jake tries to make himself sit up. “She’s driving up. She said she’ll get here in the morning, she had to find someone to watch her dog.”

Jake blinks twice. “Mom has a dog?”

“I think it’s new. But, um. You can’t exactly meet her at her hotel, Jake. She’s gonna have to come here.”

Jake feels a rush of old nerves prickling along his arms, the hair of his neck trying to stand up. He closes his eyes, tries to push it back down. “I’ve never given her my address. It’s not safe for us. What if-... I don’t know. I’ve just never… I’ve always worried that if he found her, you know, that he’d… convince her to tell him where I live. He’d turn us all in just to feel like the big righteous moral hero all over again. Probably hard to feel that way when you’re hitting a teenager. Easier when you’re turning in vigilantes with stolen property.” He spits the words, and Kauri flinches a little. “Shit. Sorry, Kaur.”

“No, it’s. It’s okay. I get what you mean. But I don’t think your mom would do that. She loves you.”

“She does.” Jake exhales, closes his eyes. Inside him there is still an angry child that wants to point out that it hasn’t always been enough. But there’s a grown man, and a decade of fucking therapy, telling him there’s a whole lot more to it than that. “And she’s finally come around to understanding why I do this. Yeah… yeah, we’ll tell her where I am. It’ll be fine. Honestly, it’s not so bad. Jameson really did a great job on the stabbing.” Jake tries to laugh again. “Fucking surgeon with a butcher knife. He managed to miss every fucking bit of me that would have killed me.”

“Except for if you bled out,” Kauri points out, voice small. 

“Yeah… but I didn’t.” Jake thinks of Antoni’s face, the focus in his dark eyes, the quick movement of his hands, the blinding agony of the cloth being forced into the wound to soak up the blood, the way Antoni had leaned all his weight forwards to put enough pressure to staunch the bleeding. Jake had never felt pain like that before, and he’s not sure he could handle feeling it again. “Ant was there. It’ll be okay. Where is he?”

“In his room.” Picking at the heavy thick blanket laid over Jake, not quite looking at him now, Kauri asks, “How are you so calm about this?”

“Drugs,” Jake answers right away. “Like ninety percent drugs.” He groans as a throbbing ache travels from the stab wound, up into his skull, all the way down to his toes. “Fuck. The… whatever’s in there helps. But also…” Jake sighs, letting his eyes drift to the ceiling, over the popcorn-texture there. He’d meant to scrape it clean and smooth, when he bought the house, but other stuff kept taking priority, and he hadn’t gotten around to it yet. “This isn’t th’ first time, you know?”

Kauri frowns. “Jake, I have licked just about everything on your body, I’ve never seen a scar from-”

“Not… not stabbed. But… stuck here, on a couch-bed, tryin’... tryin’ to heal from shit. That’s not new.” Jake exhales. Above him, the blades of the ceiling fan circle lazily, and his eyes follow the movement of the shadows. 

“No, I guess not.”

“In any case… I haven’t s-seen… Jameson’s upstairs, right? Can you get him down here?”

Something passes over Kauri’s face, a shadow, a discomfort and darkness that Jake can’t quite read. “Jameson’s not in the house, Jake.”

“What? Why?” Jake starts trying to sit up again, and this time Kauri’s gentle push isn’t enough to get him back down. He grinds his teeth against the pain and forces himself upright, trying to shift his legs over the side of the bed. The room spins around him, dizzy-sick flip in his stomach, but he ignores it. He’s felt worse than this and kept moving before. “Shit, fuck, I should’ve made sure he didn’t leave-”

“He didn’t. I made him go.”

The look Jake turns on Kauri is baffled, but there’s anger, too, welling up inside him. “You what?”

“I told him he can’t stay here if he’s a danger to you and the others,” Kauri says, but he cringes back from Jake’s expression, instinctive fear. Jake hates how he looks like his dad - huge and muscular, a threat inherent in his existence that he might not give off if he were smaller. But his bulk and his strength is also the thing that makes him capable of withstanding the danger he puts himself in for them. It’s the reason he could come home and pick Chris up with a broken rib and carry him after they raided the last safehouse he’d lived in. It’s the reason he could finally fight back with his dad. It’s the reason the kids at his new schools, one after another after another as he and his mom moved constantly to try not to be found, left him alone. 

“Kauri, he can’t-... Jameson’s not. He can’t live on his own.”

“That’s a lie,” Kauri says, lips barely moving. “That’s a lie they tell us-”

“No, that’s not what I-... Jameson’s like Chris,” Jake says, softly. “Like Chris used to be. He was treated like an animal, Kauri. He didn’t get to use fucking utensils to eat in the last two places he was held, he told me himself. He can’t live on his own yet. If you kicked him out… Jesus Christ, Kauri, do you not remember how it felt when you were kicked out?”

Kauri looks like he’s been slapped. “Wait, Jake-... I didn’t mean-”

“We found you half-dead under a goddamn bush, Kauri, you can’t do that to someone else just because I got a little bit stabbed! Shit. Fuck. I gave him a burner phone, if he’s still got it on him, maybe I can call-”

“Jakob fucking Stanton!” Kauri yells so rarely, and Jake goes still, turning to look at him, seeing the anger written across Kauri’s face. Kauri angry is electric, and immensely sexy, and something Jake had gone so long thinking he would never see unless Vincent Shield showed up with a new idea for how to make up for all his failures by forcing himself around someone who hated him. “Will you fucking listen to me?!”

Jake just sits there, staring at him. He can’t even find the words. Eventually, he just nods.

“I didn’t kick him out on the street, I’m not that awful, and fuck you for thinking I am and we’re going to talk about that later when you aren’t half off your head from painkillers. I don’t want him here until you’re feeling better in case it happens again, so I-... so I sent him home with Nat. She doesn’t have anyone living with her right now, and she said okay, so he’s going to stay with her.” Kauri swallows, reaching slowly out to lay his hand on Jake’s leg. “He and I talked. He said it’s always been men, Jake. All of the ones who hurt him were men, one of them was... was really big like you, I guess. So I thought-... if he’s with Nat, maybe it won’t happen again for long enough for him to, to work it through in therapy and Dr. Berger maybe can give him, give him s-something to help. So maybe he won’t, um, hallucinate or… or w-whatever the next time.” Kauri’s eyes well up, glimmer with tears that don’t fall. “I was trying to help. I thought he’d feel safer with only a woman, maybe, and I sent him alone so that he’d know he can’t hurt Allyn, he was really scared of that, and…”

Jake’s mouth hangs open.

Kauri slumps over, his forehead slowly resting against Jake’s back where he sits slightly behind him now that Jake is nearly off the bed. “I had to make sure everyone’s safe. I didn’t know what else to do. I sent Chris to stay with Laken overnight but he’ll be back tomorrow, Antoni’s fucked up but he’s in his room and he’s safe, and all the rescues promised to stay in their rooms and Allyn tried to go with Jameson and I think they hate me now because I said no, but I didn’t-... I tried to think of what you would do, if it had been Chris or me he’d hurt. I was trying to be like you. I’m s-sorry if I fucked it up, I’m sorry, please, I thought you were going to die, please don’t be mad at me-”

“Kauri.” Jake turns, and uses his good hand to lift Kauri’s chin, meeting his eyes. 

Blue on blue, always. 

“I’m not mad,” He says, gently. “Not… not now. You’re right, I shouldn’t have… just been a shit deciding what you did without asking. I’m sorry. So, let me just… you spent the last couple of hours really fucking busy, huh?”

Kauri nods, kissing Jake’s fingertips, one by one. “I’m sorry,” He whispers. “I’m not… I’m not good at this, I’m not... not... I was so scared. I didn’t know what you would do, Jake, and Nat said she thought it was a good idea, so-”

“It is. It is a good idea.” Kauri blinks, surprised, and the tears that have been threatening finally run, clear as crystal, down his flushed cheeks. He looks like a fucking sculpture, Jake thinks to himself, like some artist’s idea of the perfect beautiful person. “Kauri, just. Now that I get what you were trying to do… Shit. That’s really smart.”

Kauri huffs a laugh, a kind of half-sobbing sound, and shakes his head. “It’s just, I was just guessing-”

“That’s all we ever do, too,” Jake says, voice soft. “We guess, at what we can do to help. Nat always says we make the hard choices when nobody else can. Kauri, that’s the smartest fucking idea. I’m… that’s some grace under fire shit. That’s amazing.”

“It… it is?”

“Yeah.” Jake kisses him, and Kauri tastes like mouthwash, like mint, kisses back with desperate intensity. “Yeah, Kaur. That’s even better than what I would have done. You’re so fucking smart. What made you decide to slum it with me?”

“You have a really good d-dick and I don’t w-w-want to lose access,” Kauri says, and he’s crying or laughing or maybe both. “You’re my eye candy.”

“You’re my Einstein.”

“Fuck you.”

“Fuck me yourself,” Jake says softly. 

“Heal a little first.” Kauri sighs, half-smiling, pulling Jake back into the bed to lay down again. “Everyone’s safe, Jake. At least for now. Everyone’s okay. You need to rest, and everyone’s going to be okay.”

Jake lets his head be maneuvered back onto the pillow, feels Kauri settle back down next to him, pulling the blankets back up over them both. He’s silent for a while, lets the soft sound of the end of the movie wash over him, showing the different endings.

“I love you,” He whispers. The way the adrenaline is fading makes him sleepy, drifting in a new drowsy haze, ready to dose off again. “So much.”

“Love you, too,” Kauri murmurs. 

He knows this - the couch-bed pulled out, watching movies and stand-up comedy at a low volume, a throb of pain somewhere that will heal only with time - by heart.

With Kauri’s weight and warmth beside him, it feels entirely, completely new.

-

@astrobly @burtlederp @finder-of-rings @whump-tr0pes @raigash @moose-teeth @orchidscript @doveotions @pretty-face-breaker @eatyourdamnpears @boxboysandotherwhump @whumptywhumpdump @whumpfigure @outofangband @downriver914 @justabitofwhump @thehopelessopus @butwhatifyouwrite @yet-another-heathen @nonsensical-whump @newandfiguringitout @gonna-feel-that-tomorrow @oops-its-whump @cubeswhump @whumpiary @endless-whump

[snapeaddict]

I was fairly certain Remus did regret his actions though. He literally tells Harry that he often stood aside and watched it happen without saying anything, and that he wishes he had. In the Prisoner of Azkaban, whenever Snape gives a dig at Lupin or insult him and Harry tries to stand up for Lupin, he repeatedly excuses Snape's actions. Hell, even when Snape tries to reveal Lupin is a werewolf and eventually causes his loss of job, Lupin never hits back, or even tries to defend himself.

I’ll divide my answer into three parts. 

1 - Repentance vs Regret 

So, you are right. I do think Lupin regrets some of his past actions - but the thing is, it seems to make you think he understood the seriousness of his actions/has grown up/is now a better person. And I strongly believe it is not the case regarding the subject of bullying. 

“In repentance, there is a retrospection of the past mistake and a search for a better way so as to not commit the mistake if such a situation arises in the future. In repentance, there is a commitment towards change. Thus, repentance is an act that intends to make one a better person. If you are repenting, it means you are learning from your mistakes and willing to change to become a better person.”

This, does not apply to Remus. We know from the books he never understands and/or refuses to acknowledge what he and his friends did wasn’t justified or deserved; he doesn’t address it as bullying as I explain in this post. Lupin’s behaviour pattern is quite clear throughout the saga: he never or only partially acknowledges his faults and they are always someone else’s doing for the most part. 

“Regret is a feeling of remorse that is a negative emotion as it leads one to think continuously about his past action or behaviour and causes more shame, guilt, anger, disappointment etc.

On the other hand, repentance is a positive emotion as it makes one learn about his mistake, and he vows not to repeat it in the future.”

Lupin gives the image of a kind, understanding and mature person who knows how to put into question is own behaviour when necessary when he tells Harry and Sirius he knows he should have prevented them from tormenting Snape (Chapter 29 of OOTP). But then, as the conversation continues, if you closely analyses his thoughts - he keeps indulging into self-beating and talking about his own behaviour. He is completely self-centred and cares more about the image he gives than about the consequences of his actions and this clearly is the way he functions:

- He is willing to risk Harry’s life by not telling Dumbledore Sirius is an animagus rather than confess he betrayed his trust as a teenager: he cares more about what the headmaster thinks of him than about the consequences of his actions.

- He finds the time to acknowledge he should have behaved better - what a mature reaction - but never acknowledges Snape’s trauma or the seriousness of what was done to him. He thinks of it as a “rivalry”. 

- He puts a lot of effort into burnishing his and his friends’ image by justifying bullying with “rivalry”, “jealousy”, and agreeing with the fact “it was a mutual hate and those are things that happen” rather than admitting they behaved terribly.

So yes, Remus regrets his actions. But it is clear to me he firstly regrets them because it gives him a bad image in front of Harry and Dumbledore, and to himself; he never learns from his mistakes nor can make sure to not repeat them in the future, because he simply refuses to acknowledge them and put his energy into minimising them or making them, for the most part, Snape’s own fault. I find Remus to be a self-centred and cowardly person, and this behaviour goes along with it. 

However, I am not saying this makes him a bad man and understand this is directly linked to the fact he is a werewolf and giving a positive image of himself is nearly vital for him. But clearly, the fact he regrets his actions means nothing besides what I just explained, in my opinion, because Remus refuses to acknowledge what they did. He never repents and we must not mistake regrets for repentance. Remember that being critical of a character doesn’t make him less interesting or likable and has nothing to do with your personal liking of him. Snape isn’t a saint either, it’s actually interesting to have characters with layers. However, Remus was written kindly and “loved” by the books’ narrative and POV; Snape was not.

2 - He still behaves, in his thirties, like a bully

...which shows he does not repent or feel sorry for what was done to Snape and their other victims. I had the chance to discuss this with @ottogatto and she was very helpful and gave me a very interesting insight on Remus’ behaviour as we see it through Harry’s eyes in the books. 

As she explained, nearly every time the subject of Snape is brought up, Remus will subtlely put the fault on him. “He was jealous”, “Your father was more popular than he was and he hated it”, “He was jealous of James’ talent for Quidditch”, “Sirius and James were good at everything and everyone loved them, unlike Snape” are embedded quotes from HP5. Why was Snape furious against him at the end of HP3? “Because he wanted the Order of Merlin”; not because Remus had nearly killed him again as well as three students, just as he had done when Snape was younger. He keeps dismissing the consequences of his actions and justifies (to both Harry and the readers), the abuse Snape went through at the hands of the Marauders. He uses a florilegium of excuses commonly used by bullies that are both very vicious and even pervert in their aims (pervert = lead someone away from what is considered acceptable. Distort or corrupt the original meaning or state of things. Exactly what he does repeatedly). This is still the behaviour of an abuser. If @ottogatto finds the post she made about it, you may like to read it as well. Remus refuses to acknowledge Snape is right to act in the way he does regarding the bullying he went through and thus deepens the hate that already exists between Harry and Snape.

From the (wonderful) @ottogatto: You see, when you tell people how your target is jealous of you, it demonizes them in a shameful way. It tells how they are a pathetic person attacking you wrongfully, oh poor innocent human that did nothing wrong. Jealousy, after all, is a fault that remains completely on the jealous one. It gives your listeners the image that your prey is a mistrustful person while putting you in the position of someone who can be envied -- supposedly for your goodness. Because that prey is framed as mistrustful and ill-intentioned, it allows people to doubt whatever accusation your target might have: either "they're lying", or "exaggerating", or "making things up". Only those who are versed in the mechanisms of bullying -- the easy or the hard way -- will spot the problem. Otherwise, people will find a pretext, a rightful excuse, or an innocent, well-intentioned goal, to keep your prey alone, weak, and "punished".

3 - It is absolutely normal Lupin doesn’t defend himself or hits back when Snape reveals he is a werewolf

...because he is in the wrong. Snape doesn’t even cause his loss of job and you may want to reread the books while not taking Harry’s perspective for the unbiased truth. Dumbledore is obviously the one who asks Remus to resign. Remus just nearly killed three students and a professor, and roamed freely onto both Hogwarts grounds and Hogsmeade as a werewolf, risking many deaths and infections because he forgot the potion Snape had been brewing for him (he depended on Snape, another reason not to fight with him). Dumbledore just learns it isn’t the first time he betrayed his trust and he did the same for two years as a teenager, risking Hogwarts’s closure and reputation and his position as headmaster, breaking the promise he made to him when he was accepted as school. The worst thing is, it is Sirius who tells Dumbledore. Not Remus. Remus clearly demonstrates he is dangerous in spite of himself - Dumbledore learns as well he hid a very important information from him (Sirius being an animagus) during the year, supposedly risking Harry’s life. Dumbledore doesn’t apologize for Snape’s behaviour when he tells him goodbye and it is reasonable to suppose it is because he is fine with Lupin’s identity not being a secret anymore. 

I understand Snape’s decision (and certainly Dumbledore’s as well, as read in Snape: A Definitive Reading and various clever posts on Tumblr) may seem cruel and negatively impacted Remus in a society full of prejudices; but I understand Snape’s decision as well. Lupin was a walking danger and had proved it countless of times, nearly killing him: I’ll always argue his decision wasn’t a bad one but you may disagree. I’m sorry for Lupin and what happened to him- but I also am lucid and acknowledge the fact he continuously risked people’s lives and was a danger to society at this point (because said society didn’t help him in any way, don’t get me wrong). But to come back to your main point, Lupin was the only one who caused his loss of job, and he had no legitimacy to call out Snape for revealing his true nature to the public, because clearly only this knowledge would prevent him from doing harm in the future. It’s a complicated situation that goes deeper than Remus and Snape’s relationship. 

Lupin could also be deemed as dangerous on another level: he spreads around pro bullying rhetorics and makes it look okay if it was "deserved". He makes bullying less serious if the victim isn't likable. He makes bullying less serious because he is likable. And this is very wrong both in and outside the books.

[keyofjetwolf]

“Gabrielle, who did this?”

“I did.”

This is it, this is everything this episode has been building to. Not Caesar, not Xena’s checkered past, not her efforts to make amends and rebuild trust, not the plight of the Britons nor the heroism of Boudicea, not religious zealotry and persecution. It’s just Gabrielle, and this choice she made, and the unimaginable repercussions.

Not that it would, because it’s the entire point of the thing, but I can’t say enough about how absolutely unshakable the show is in this having been Gabrielle’s CHOICE. No one can steer this otherwise, they can’t make it pretty and excusable. Not the audience, and not Xena herself. AND OH SHE TRIES. Immediately, Xena seizes a narrative that makes this not Gabrielle’s fault.

The things to love in this are nearly endless, from the simplicity of the exchange to the way it’s performed (SUPERBLY) and shot. There’s something BROKEN in Gabrielle, something Xena keeps willing to still be there, but it’s gone, and as that becomes too true to dismiss, all Xena can do is hug Gabrielle close. Until Krakoa appears and puts a punchable face on the whole thing, but that’s barely relevant.

Like I said, there’s a lot here to love, but let’s start with the smaller, almost incidental thing: how Xena can’t live in the lie. I’ve brought this up a bunch of times, apologies for the repetition, how Gabrielle has such a firm narrative surrounding Xena that she’s built in her head, and it takes years of life together, day in and day out, for the monolith to erode and for Gabrielle to finally see Xena as XENA, warts and all.

Xena has her own version of Gabrielle too, this isn’t just a problem for Gabby to deal with, but as we see here, that problem has nothing to do with refusal to see what’s directly in her face. Twice, Xena tries to deny that Gabrielle has just done the unthinkable. Twice, that’s it, then she accepts what all evidence is screaming at her and ... well, “moves forward” is what I want to say, but as we know, it’s not that simple. She doesn’t keep denying it, though, that’s where I’m going with this, and I love it as a counterpart to the countless times we see Gabrielle given direct hard proof of Xena’s worst impulses, and still she remains absolutely devoted to the parts she wants to believe, because she wants to believe them.

This is going to keep biting Gabby in the ass, and this episode is where the show begins to double down on it. The framework through which is makes those moves is subtle, and brilliant for that subtlety. I mentioned a few times how Caesar in this episode is a red herring, making us think we’re about to watch Xena once again lose all perspective and reason when it comes to fucking up his day. That’s not why we’re here, sad to say for everyone involved (except, I suppose, Caesar), but including him threads the overall ideas a bit deeper in fascinating ways.

When it comes to Xena and Caesar, destruction is the only way things can ever go. Of troops, of strategies, of land, of their friends, of each other. When Caesar betrayed Xena, the only answer she could ever bring was fire and ashes. Dahak and his followers are Gabrielle’s Caesar. She, like Xena, believed the world they spun for her and trusted the place she would have in that world. Also like Xena, when betrayal came, she was left hurt, broken, and forever changed. But while Xena took all that had been done to her and vowed destruction, Gabrielle embraces creation. She NEEDS this to have been something good, needs it to have meant something. She insists that Hope is her child more than Dahak’s and refuses to accept even the possibility that things could go any other way. It comes in a nicer wrapper, certainly, but Gabrielle throws herself into her *ahem* HOPE just as blindly and every bit as reckless as Xena embraces her darkness.

But nothing in the world of Xena is ever that black and white, and Gabrielle’s refusal to deal with the trauma of what’s happened to her and what she’s done sends her into a different but parallel spiral to Xena. Gabrielle’s judgment in the wake of all this becomes massively and completely fucked, as we’ll see all too plainly with The Debt in a hot second. Gabby is now primed and ready to step off a cliff she’s carved for herself, the repercussions for which will continue to haunt her through Season 4.

All this is even more incredible when you realize this moment in The Deliverer is one the show has been carefully, intentionally building toward, reaching all the way back to a little tiny thing from two years and nearly fifty episodes previous. Hello to Season 1 Episode 3′s “Dreamworker”.

This whole exchange carries incredible weight just on its own, particularly given that it’s so early in the series. We know Xena’s speaking from experience, that when she killed for the first time, when she realized she could (and maybe even liked it?), she stopped being the person she was and took her first step toward the monster she would become.

What we of course don’t know then, couldn’t possibly, is that this isn’t just Xena talking to Gabrielle, but Gabrielle talking to herself. She echoes back these exact words to Xena (who knows, she already knows, how she must hate hearing the certainty of it from Gabrielle).

SO GOOD SO SO SO GOOD. What a kick in face, too, to go back and rewatch the scene in Dreamworker on the heels of this, to see Gabrielle so young and fresh-faced and naive to this broken woman who’s seen and done too much.

But the Dreamworker moments don’t stop! Gabrielle’s “blood innocence” is a central idea in that episode, too, with the first act showcasing how she pretty much isn’t listening to a single goddamn thing Xena is trying to teach her. Denied a sword, Gabby goes behind Xena’s back and buys a weapon of her very own.

Which Xena of course immediately discovers and confiscates. We see the boob dagger come back at random times throughout the series, usually as a little nudge-nudge continuity callback, which I genuinely appreciate. That’s all it ever is, up until it isn’t.

It’s not exaggeration to say the boob dagger changes the momentum of this fight. Xena’s losing, and losing pretty badly, but the surprise weapon and the proof of Krakow’s own mortality throws him off, and gives Xena just enough of an edge to win. Could she have pulled it off without the dagger? She’s Xena, so probably, but looking at the fight as it happened, the dagger was crucial.

SO HERE’S WHAT I FUCKING LOVE ABOUT THAT. Is Xena specifically using the boob dagger to win a statement on how all of this was inevitable? If Gabrielle hadn’t bought the dagger, Xena wouldn’t have taken it, and she wouldn’t have had it on-hand to beat Kravenedge. Gabrielle was the vehicle for this violence, in the distant and recent past both.

But she’s just as much the vehicle for putting a stop to it. Had Gabrielle not bought that dagger, Xena may well have lost this fight, and setting aside this specific conflict, a world without Xena is a darker, bloodier place. Had Gabrielle not stopped the cultists, even as she played directly into their hands, someone else would have been their sacrifice, another would have been chosen to bring Dahak’s child into the world. Odds are high that person wouldn’t have a Warrior Princess at their side. Odds are high that person wouldn’t have the heart and love and willingness to sacrifice as Gabrielle. Dahak’s time is now, and he is coming. He uses Gabrielle to make it happen, but by her actions, it’s Gabrielle herself who stops those plans and saves the world.

When the dust settles and we have the full picture, it becomes clear that all along, It’s Gabrielle who is The Deliverer.

[lov3nerdstuff]

Voluptas Noctis Aeternae {Part 5.5}

*Severus Snape x OC*

Summary: It is the year 1983 when the ordinary life of Robin Mitchell takes a drastic turn: she is accepted into Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Despite the struggles of being a muggle-born in Slytherin, she soon discovers her passion for Potions, and even manages the impossible: gaining the favor of Severus Snape. Throughout the years, Robin finds that the not quite so ordinary Potions Professor goes from being a brooding stranger to being more than she had ever deemed possible. An ally, a mentor, a friend... and eventually, the person she loves the most. Through adventure, prophecies and the little struggles of daily life in a castle full of mysteries, Robin chooses a path for herself, an unlikely friendship blossoms into something more, and two people abandoned by the world can finally find a home.

General warnings: professor x student, blood, violence, trauma, neglectful families, bullying, cursing

Words: 4.3k

Read Part 1.1 here! All Parts can be found on the Masterlist!

______________________________

Half an hour passed, or maybe an entire one, Robin didn't even know anymore… the majority of her body was aching, but her legs hurt the most from carrying her weight without moving for too long. At least she hadn't been eaten yet, hadn't even heard anything that could be considered unusual, and the forest ahead was quiet and peaceful. That's what she tried to tell herself, to slow down her heartbeat enough to be able to focus on her surroundings instead of her own panic. It had worked for the time passed already.

It worked, until her ears picked up the tiniest sounds of movement in the distance behind her back, and any positive thoughts made immediate room for a new wave of anxiety. Oh bloody hell… Her heartbeat quickened inevitably, and so did her breathing. C'mon Robin, focus on reality for once! No dwelling in her own mind, at least this once. No blind panic. The sound was creeping closer, that much she could tell, but she had no time to ponder who or what was approaching, nor the necessity to.

"What, pray tell, do you think you are doing there?!" Snape's scolding tone almost had Robin weeping in relief. Thank god he was here now… or rather, thanks to his impatient naturell. He'd probably been annoyed that she hadn't returned with the flowers yet, and honestly, Robin had never been happier to annoy him!

A few seconds later his dark frame entered her field of vision, and the first thing she noticed as he moved closer to her with hastened strides was his rapidly changing expression. The annoyance and irritation was replaced by a mixture of wariness and concern, and his eyes sought hers as he stopped a step in front of her. For a few seconds, all Robin could do was stare up at him with wide eyes and wait for him to draw the necessary conclusions on his own. Then, with a sudden jolt of heat in her veins, all tension in her body was removed, and her legs gave out as she dropped down to the ground in a limp pile of flesh and bones. The barely intercepted impact sent a jolt of immediate pain through her entire body, knocking the air straight out of her lungs, but at least, at last, Robin found herself able to move her body again.

"Oh thank you thank you thank you…" She breathed with a raspy voice, and twisted her stinging back and shoulders while sitting up. A new wave of pain caused her to suck in a sharp breath. "Bloody shoulder…"

Snape let his gaze travel over her in a quick inspection of her overall state, and his eyes lingered on her shoulder indeed before moving back to meet her own.

"Are you alright?" He asked quietly, after giving her a moment to sort herself out, with a doubtful look down at Robin.

"Terribly sore from standing still for so long… how long has it been, actually?"

"Over an hour since you left."

"Ah…" Robin sighed, and finally felt like she might be able to stand up off the dewy soil without her legs giving straight out under her weight again. But before she could make any sort of weak attempt to scramble to her feet, he held his hand out to Robin without a word.

Her heart skipped a beat at the sight, but she didn't hesitate to accept the help that was offered to her so unexpectedly, in a gesture so unusual and yet so very welcome. Had her hand not been frozen quite so much, she could have enjoyed the feeling of his own wrapped around her smaller one so much more. And yet, the brief touch left her short of breath already, and drowning in a wave of tingling ecstasy.

"You are freezing." He stated neutrally and released her hand once Robin was standing straight in front of him once again. "We should return to the castle. I wish to know what happened here. In detail."

"I'm not going back until I have gotten those stupid Plangentine petals." Robin replied in mild frustration about the delay in her task, and even more about who had caused it. "So not going to let him win."

"Who?"

"Morgan." She sighed, and mindlessly traced the spot on her shoulder that he had almost crushed with his ridiculously strong grip. It still hurt, even after almost an hour had passed… would probably be a nice bruise soon enough. "He followed me out here. I sent him flying with a repelling spell because he snuck up on me. He didn't like that, and thus turned me into the statue you found."

Snape's eyebrows rose in surprise for a second, then furrowed into an even deeper frown. "Professor Morgan petrified you and left you here at the edge of the forest? Alone?"

"He was convinced that I was up to no good and committing some felony by being out here. I tried to tell him that-… You know what, just have a look at it yourself."

"Are you-..."

"Yes. If I have to talk about that man for much longer, I'll get angry, and I don't want to spend the last minutes of my almost perfect birthday being angry. So yes, go right ahead." Robin stated in certainty, feeling almost calm in her own determination, and thus simply looked up into Snape's eyes while waiting for the crawling in the back of her mind. It lasted for only a minute, and once the feeling was gone again, his gaze dropped from her own down to her shoulder for a moment.

"He hurt you." He stated then, with an almost perfect neutral facade for once. It left Robin wondering what he was truly thinking beneath the act, for he only ever seemed to bother putting effort into his facades around her if he intentionally didn't want her to know.

"Nah, it's fine." She shrugged, and regretted it immediately afterwards. "Alright, it does hurt, but I don't mind. I'm fine."

"In that case I shall take you back to the castle to see the headmaster immediately. He will not be able to refuse to intervene in Morgan's doings any longer if he hears of this incident."

"Or maybe… we could simply go down to the lake, gather the Plangentine and then return to the dungeons and have a nice hot cup of coffee?" Robin asked before Snape could make any attempt to walk away. She didn't need a repetition of last year's never ending night of terror. She didn't need the struggle nor the fight nor the anxiety. But she wanted him to stay with her, and simply let it go for now. "Please?"

"Not only did he completely disregard my own person AND the school rules, but he actively put you into great danger by leaving you here like that! You cannot seriously expect me to ignore that."

"No, I cannot." Robin replied with a small half smile, and a hopeful glance. He wasn't dragging her off yet; her suggestion still had a chance. "But I can hope that you might do me the favor and spare me even more trouble tonight. We can still discuss our plans and plots against Morgan over coffee later."

"I was under the impression that you weren't fond of revenge. Even if it would be very much justified." He raised an eyebrow at Robin in question, but an undeniable expression of amused appreciation played on his features as well.

"In fact, I'm not." Robin shrugged again, with her unhurt shoulder only, and with a growing smile. "But you are, and I'm willing to compromise."

Snape rolled his eyes, even as a clear not-smirk played on his lips. "You truly are insufferable."

"I know." The smile reached Robin's eyes as well as her voice now. "And still you bother with me."

"Here…" He sighed in feigned annoyance, and before Robin could ask, he untied his own cloak and draped it around her shoulders with an exaggerated rolling of his eyes. "One professor endangering your life is quite enough for one night. And it would be a true bother to explain to Dumbledore why you froze to death out here under my supervision. If you already so stubbornly insist on picking flowers at night, this is the condition. I refuse to have you freezing to death."

"Thank you." She replied quietly, feeling momentarily stunned as she wrapped the heavy fabric tighter around herself, but she offered him a small smile in return anyway. This… was unexpected.

As they started making their way back towards the path to the lake, Robin tried to calm down the reactions literally every part of her body and mind had relapsed into. Everything felt warm, scorching almost, on the outside on her skin, and on the inside deep in her chest. She couldn't help hugging the fabric tighter around herself, blaming the action on the chilling wind but enjoying it for entirely different reasons. Luckily they didn't talk on their way through the dark… Robin doubted that she could've come up with anything witty to say, and Snape probably felt too uncomfortable with his own act of kindness to do so either. All Robin could focus on right now was the overwhelming smell that enveloped her senses, old books and fire and the dungeons and just him to the essence, and the feeling of sizzling flames taking an all-consuming hold of her heart.

This wasn't what a crush should feel like, was it? It wasn't just giggles and sighs, blushing cheeks and stolen glances… it was so much more than that. It was pleasantly terrifying. Maybe she shouldn't try to fight this so very desperately after all… not on the inside at least, in the depth of her mind and heart. She still had to carefully hide it, of course, but maybe she could also let herself be consumed by it from time to time. In the deepest, darkest corners of her being.

The walk down to the right part of the forest was short. The gentle lapping of small waves on the shore could barely be heard as they passed through the first trees, but it sufficed for Robin to finally bring herself to focus on the outside world and the task at hand again. Even if the comfort and the tingles of wearing Snape's cloak remained on a constantly underlying basis in her mind. After a few steps into the thicket, it was already difficult to see the ground beneath her feet, for the remaining foliage of the autumn blazed trees drowned out every and any moonlight. Smiling, Robin thought that she wouldn't need the light. Maybe Snape would actually be impressed by that for once.

"Do you have an actual strategy for finding the plants in question, or did you plan on searching for them in the darkness like a dunderhead?" Snape asked in the very instant she had meant to answer just that question, and stopped in his saunter with risen eyebrows.

Robin couldn't help looking up at him with a smirk in return. "What do you think?"

Without further explanations, she drew her wand out of her sleeve, and studied the dark ground for a moment while Snape studied her in an equal manner, without even trying to conceal his curiosity nor his amusement. Finally Robin pointed her wand at one of the small Plangentine flowers, and it glowed up in a faint orange a second later, without a single word being spoken. The glow slowly spread from the petals down into the roots, and from there on it expanded all over the forest floor in fine lines that ran wildly into every direction, peaking into brightly glowing spots wherever a flower was breaking out of the soil. The delicate web of faintly shimmering lines soon illuminated the entire area around them and tinted it in the subtle tones of a fire that seemed to burn deep within the roots of the Plangentine, in the veins of the earth.

"Impressive." He commented, as unimpressed as he could possibly manage to sound, but the way he observed the magic surrounding them told Robin an entirely different story. "I wasn't aware that your magic was advanced enough to work without a spoken word."

"Well, you hardly ever waste any of your words on spells either…" She shrugged, with a small smirk. "Couldn't be so hard then."

The glare she received immediately in return broadened her smirk even more, and thanks to the dim light she could tell that he was humored by her comment rather than offended. It had been a close call though.

"What kind of spell is this?" He finally asked, with a more neutral expression as he motioned to the glowing lines, and still undeniably interested in what Robin had just demonstrated. She'd known he would like it… and she felt rather proud that he did.

"I came up with it only two weeks ago, actually…" Robin started to explain as she moved to pick up the tiny glowing flowers that each lost their light as soon as she had plucked them off the ground. Too bad, really, it was such a beautiful sight. "As silly as it sounds, I was just messing around with spells for my charms homework, but then I discovered this… phenomenon."

"What, precisely, does it do?"

"Oh, it's fairly easy really. Would you like me to show you?"

"Obviously."

With a silent sigh, Robin placed the already gathered flowers in a small heap on the ground and moved to stand in front of the frowning potions professor. Then she pulled the sleeves of her shirt and his cloak up to her elbow and pointed her wand at the most prominent vein on the inside of her wrist. "Annexus Illuminis."

Almost instantly, the same orange glow flared up underneath her skin, starting as a small spark only. She dropped her hand with her wand back to her side and merely held the other arm out in front of her while the glow slowly spread underneath the skin, following the vein she had pointed at all the way up to run on under her sleeve. Still, the faint glow could be seen all the way up to her heart, even through the layers of fabric.

"So… that's how it works. It follows any coherent line, or in case of the Plangentine, the large net of roots that are all connected underground." Robin mused, and willed the glow in her arm to fade as she pushed her sleeve down again. "I came up with it by accident, but that doesn't mean it's not a good spell still."

"Indeed." Snape mused and then looked up from her arm to her eyes with one of his most enigmatic expressions. "It is… remarkable."

A smile spread on Robin's lips, and after a second longer of holding his gaze, she returned to gathering her flowers to not make a fool of herself. Remarkable… That was as good a compliment as she would get, and she felt both content and excited that her small bit of magic seemed to have impressed him indeed.

However, he really could help her with collecting those darn tiny flowers now. It was as much his work as it was hers, after all, but obviously the fine professor preferred to merely observe her in silent amusement as she moved through the space between the trees and almost tripped over his cloak a few times. It really wasn't her fault that she was an entire head shorter, and she rolled her eyes at his amusement at that. Really, and he called her insufferable. Ironic.

Eventually Robin believed to have enough Plangentine (some time after he had finally gotten over himself and helped her to collect it), and they started making their way back towards the castle. It was another of those shared mutual silences, a moment so ordinary and yet so special that it made Robin believe that she couldn't possibly feel more content anywhere else, calmer at any given point, nor happier with anyone else by her side.

The freezing wind whipped her hair into her face and tangled it beyond what she could repair before she turned into a scarecrow entirely, but then again she had to smirk once she realized that Snape seemed to have the very same problem. If they both looked horrible like that, it really didn't matter at all. What mattered however was the cold. Even with his cloak still tightly wrapped around her shoulders, it was undoubtedly more November weather than late October at this point, and thus, for once, Robin actually found herself glad to be back inside the castle. Soon enough they were headed into the dungeons once more, but instead of the classroom, they went straight into his office for once. While Robin dropped the pile of flowers on his desk and then summoned her backpack over from the adjunct room, Snape moved to prepare the first round of coffee. It really was an odd little ritual they had fallen into, but Robin loved every second of it. At this point, they had given up on the strictly alternating pattern of who made coffee for whom, and instead stuck to the law of opportunity. Whoever had time, or sometimes simply whoever had had the better day, made coffee for the other. It went wordlessly, and it had been working for a good while now. Thus Robin didn't feel guilty at all as she simply flopped down in her chair and suppressed a yawn while she waited for him to sit down across from her. Stupid temperature difference… why did it always make one yawn when coming back inside after being out in the cold for a while?! Before she could suppress it, she yawned again.

"Watching other people work must be very tiring." Snape sighed in that mocking scowl as he finally took his seat and placed a cup of steaming coffee in front of Robin.

"Then you must be quite exhausted." She replied easily, and wrapped her hands around the cup for warmth while her smirk was directed down at the very same object at first, then innocently up at the professor in front of her.

"I really should give you detention for sassing me all the time."

"You could also just tell me which dreadful task you would like to impose on me and I would do it even without detention." Robin lifted an eyebrow at him in amusement, even a little challenge.

"Would you, now?"

"Try me."

"If you insist…" He took a sip of his own coffee and mirrored her expression almost to the point. It made Robin snort. "You can write the recipe for the antidote to common poisons on the blackboard. I'm going to teach the second years to prepare it tomorrow morning, which should be enough punishment for me already as it is. My recipe, not that pathetic excuse of one in the textbook."

"Obviously not the one in the textbook." Robin snorted and rolled her eyes. "You couldn't cure a flobberworm with that, leave alone prepare the potion correctly without knowing what to alter."

"Indeed." He mused with a not-smirk that actually looked almost like a real smirk for once. Maybe because he only now came to realize that Robin had actually listened to him complaining about the textbook issue a good while ago. "Well?"

"What makes you so sure that I even know your recipe by heart?" Robin asked as she rose to her feet nonetheless, grabbed her coffee mug and made for the door to the classroom. If he wanted to try her indeed, she would prove to him that he would have to try harder.

"Do you not?" He questioned in return, and the subtle noises of movement behind her told her that he was following her into the classroom.

"Of course I do!" Robin complained with a snort as she skipped the few steps towards the blackboard and picked up the only piece of chalk that still looked usable.

"If you get chalk on my robes, I will personally hold you accountable for your crime." He commented flatly even before Robin could write the first letter, and she realized with a start that she was still wearing his robe indeed. With a subtle sigh under her breath, she took a second to memorize the delightful smell that still clung onto the fabric, then let it slip down her shoulders and placed the piece of clothing over his office chair. As she turned to look at him over her shoulder, he had taken a seat on the edge of the first row desks, coffee in hand, as he once again watched her with subtle amusement. She rolled her eyes in exaggeration while he could still see it and then faced the blackboard again with a small smile to start noting down the recipe. He was the insufferable one here!

_______________

"In regard to the upcoming new year's ball, the headmaster and a few advisors have decided that the heads of the houses shall teach their students the art of ballroom dancing prior to the event. After last year's debacle, it was deemed very much necessary." Professor McGonagall spoke loudly as she walked up and down the great hall, passing through the open space in between the students standing on either wall with bored faces. The side of the hall where Robin was standing was crowded with the Slytherin students of the years four to seven… the other side of the hall with Gryffindor students of the same years.

"We all shall see to it that this year's ball will be a dance, and not a party."

"If the head of the house is supposed to teach us to dance… why are we here?" A very familiar voice asked, none other than Alexander Downing, but Robin deemed it a decent enough question to listen to the professor's response.

"I was just getting to that point, and if you would have shown a little patience, you would already have your answer." McGonagall snapped back at him, and Robin had to smile on instinct at her fierceness. That expression however vanished off her face when the professor spoke on. "Seeing as Professor Flitwick is not able to, and Professor Snape is… indisposed, Professor Sprout will be teaching the Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff students to dance properly, and I myself shall see to you."

A general murmur went through both houses, and Robin couldn't help feeling a little disappointed. She would've liked to see Snape dancing, even if only to have a decent reason to observe him for once. And yet… seeing him dancing with someone else very likely would've turned her sour for the rest of the weekend, as pathetic as that would be, so maybe it was good that things were this way now. She didn't have to make a fool of herself, and Snape wouldn't be annoyed with a house full of idiots trying not to trip over their own two feet. However the way McGonagall had said 'indisposed' left Robin with a lingering unease, a worry deeply rooted in her heart that she just couldn't shake off. Even as they were asked to pair up to have a go at trying out what had just been demonstrated (which Robin had completely missed due to being stuck in her head) she still could focus on very little but her own concern, but she made an effort to at least take notice of her surroundings again.

Most of the girls were surprisingly eager to find a partner, to dance and learn to do so properly, while the boys however looked like they preferred to do anything but. Robin for her part was mostly indifferent to it, seeing as she already knew how to dance, but she had no intention to do so at the ball anyhow. She would be attending, but only because she didn't like the thought of Snape sulking by himself all night, seeing as he likely would be forced to attend yet again. They'd had a nice time last year, and maybe he would come to sit with her again once the change of years was near. Anyhow, for now Robin merely observed the pairing up of different people, while unsurprisingly nobody asked her to dance. She honestly hadn't expected anyone to, so she sighed to herself and walked up to a redheaded Gryffindor boy who seemed just as out of place as she herself felt.

"Hey, are you also still looking for a partner?" She asked as nicely as she could, but her voice let on a bit of the dread she felt nonetheless.

"And you want to dance with me? So you can trip me and all of your classmates can have a good laugh? No thank you." He scoffed, and Robin rolled her eyes in return. What a jerk…

"You don't even know me, and just because I wear green instead of red doesn't make me an instant asshole. But whatever, I was just trying to be nice." She grumbled and turned on her heel to head back to the opposite wall. Wasn't it delightful, in her own house she was despised for not being Slytherin enough, and the other houses despised her for being in Slytherin in the first place… bloody idiots, all of them.

"Wait, I'm sorry." The boy brought out before Robin was entirely out of reach. "You're right, that was unfair of me. I would appreciate if we could practice dancing together."

"Alright." Robin sighed and gave him a half smile. Maybe he wasn't a complete jerk after all, just someone who had unjustified prejudices. And that was rather human, actually. "Let's get this over with."

______________________________

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[lux-i-fer]

Could Lucifer have Histrionic Personality Disorder?

No I don’t think so. I’ve actually talked a little about this previously. Here is how I thought Linda may have diagnosed Lucifer before she was In The Know and here is how I thought she would revise her diagnosis after being let into The Know. 

The reason I don’t believe Lucifer has a Histrionic personality disorder is actually a few things. As I mentioned in my Pre In The Know ask, I believe Lucifer is actually closer to a Narcissist disorder; however, as you can see in my post-In The Know ask, I don’t really think Lucifer has any kind of disorder (outside of his PTSD, of course). Lucifer is a highly traumatized individual, yes, but not everyone who is traumatized develops a personality disorder.

I can see why you would think Lucifer has this disorder. Some of the symptoms include: 

Demanding to be the center of attention and often become depressed when they are not

Often lively, dramatic, enthusiastic, and flirtatious

Expression of emotion may be shallow (turned off and on too quickly) and exaggerated

Often dress and act in inappropriately seductive and provocative ways

Achieving emotional or sexual intimacy may be difficult

Typically gullible or overly trusting

You could look at this list and say wow! this is Lucifer to a tee! and while that may be correct, it is misleading. Histrionic personality disorder goes deeper than just wanting attention. It can stem from a lack of parental attention during childhood, among other things such as genetics or trauma. However, the disorder goes beyond just seeking attention from absent parents. It is feeling uncomfortable and anxious when the focus of attention is not on you 24/7. A compulsion is not the right word to describe the feeling, but I imagine the need to be noticed is so strong that it may feel like one. Because of this, people with this disorder purposefully put themselves into risky, embarrassing, or awkward situations.

I could see how you might think this explains away Lucifer’s little idiosyncrasies, but the truth is that he simply doesn’t have this disorder. People with Histrionic personality disorder cannot shut off the desire to be noticed, Lucifer can. Yes, Lucifer is extremely lonely and uses sex to cope with that feeling, but we know that there are times when he does not want to be the center of attention. For example, when he is truly upset and shaken he hides himself away in the penthouse instead of immersing himself in the crowds at Lux. Lucifer is a brooder. Yes, some times he makes his brooding dramatic, but other times he makes it undetectable. 

So why does Lucifer tick off so many boxes of this disorder if he doesn’t have it? Well, I think that answer is actually very simple: Lucifer has created a persona for himself. This is fairly common when you know where to look and it absolutely does not mean that you are insane or “unstable.” The best example of this in pop culture is the singer The Weeknd. The Weeknd’s actual name is Abel Tesfaye. Abel has gone on record several times stating that “The Weeknd” moniker is an exaggerated version of himself. If you know anything about The Weeknd’s music, you’ll know that it’s a drug, sex, and alcohol fueled spiral into fame and depression. “The Weeknd” persona is toxic and emotionally unstable; however, Abel Tesfaye uses it to navigate through his own issues. As a person, Abel is incredibly shy, self conscious, and emotionally vulnerable, so he has created a persona with traits he wishes he could possess: confidence and the ability to shut off his emotions through substance abuse. 

Lucifer does the same thing. He was heavily traumatized by his parental abuse and his vilification so he has created the perfect persona to compensate for this. Lucifer’s persona is showy and commands a room. He is brash and makes rash decisions and is the life of the party. He dresses in a way that calls attention to himself, he is flirty and hedonistic, and emotionally constipated. 

However, there are times when we can see under the persona. I think our first look beyond the persona is in 1x04. I know I reference the wing scar scene often, but I think it is still one the best scenes in the entire show. It is a masterclass in conveying emotional vulnerability and hinting at character building without ever explicitly stating it. In this moment, we see the Lucifer behind the persona:

This version of Lucifer is childlike. He is timid and shrinks under Chloe’s gentle touch. He speaks softly and seemingly without any power behind his words. He is unsure and very, very open. This is almost a direct opposite to the Lucifer persona described above. It’s no wonder Lucifer has crafted his persona in such a way. Lucifer’s overdramatic, over hedonistic persona protects his more vulnerable, sensitive, and deeply traumatized self. As I stated in a previous ask, Lucifer almost reverts back to being a child in this scene. I think this is the true reason why he crafted his persona in the way he did. As a child, Lucifer was ignored, isolated, powerless, and lacked satisfaction. With his persona, Lucifer is able to become noticed, involved, powerful, and satisfied (if only superficially, until Chloe comes along). It is everything that he wants to become. And more than that, this is a narrative he has explicit control over. Lucifer has control issues that stem from childhood. When he creates his persona, he has total control as to how he presents himself at any given moment. I imagine this gives him a false sense of security. After all, this concept of the persona is a coping mechanism. Like Abel Tesfaye, Lucifer uses his persona to work through his insecurities. 

TL;DR: Lucifer does not have Histrionic personality disorder. He is merely compensating for the shortcomings of his abusive childhood in the only way he knows how.

[lostinthewinterwood]

Worldbuilding Exchange 2021

Hey there friend!

Apparently you share some of my taste in obscure novels with gaps in their worldbuilding—impeccable, truly. I’ve got some expansion on all the tags I’ve requested below, though if you want to just get started feel free to ignore all that; some of them are distinctly longer than others, but don’t worry, just because I didn’t use as many words for any given prompt doesn’t mean I want it any less!

Anyway, thanks for writing for me! And if any of you lovely people are inclined towards treating, I will happily accept treats in any medium for any of the fandoms, including media I didn’t actually request there :D

  General DNW

·       non-con/dub-con;

·       explicit sexual content;

·       incest (incl. adoptive/chosen family);

·       a/b/o;

·       mpreg;

·       non-canonical permanent major character death;

·       complete downer endings;

·       hurt no comfort;

·       heavy angst;

·       on-page deliberate self-harm*;

·       on-page suicide;

·       gore;

·       graphic physical trauma;

·       character bashing;

·       cringe comedy;

·       fic-as-writer-soapbox;

·       setting AUs**;

·       unrequested identity headcanons;

·       romance as the main plot.

 *I don’t include things like, say, punching a wall in a fit of emotion under this. However, something like cutting would not be appreciated.

 **This doesn't mean that I'd expect you to hew very narrowly to what we know for sure in canon; after all, this exchange is for worldbuilding. However, for this exchange I'd prefer not to have anything that fundamentally alters the character of the world--eg elements like a/b/o, or things like a post-canon zombie apocalypse in a canon where that doesn't really fit in with the established tone/genre/world, that sort of thing.

    General Likes

– I really like plotty fics

– A focus on family and/or friendship, especially characters realizing they’re not nearly as alone as they think they are, and just generally characters who like each other and enjoy spending time together

– Found family; families of choice

– Character studies

– Worldbuilding (obviously lol)

– Canon-divergence AUs and missing scenes; things set pre- or post-canon; wriggling into canon and poking at it to see what it spits back at you, if that description makes any sense at all.

- for a list of unconventional media/formats I’ve requested before, along with some commentary on them, please see my fic in a box letter.

     Mother of Learning - nobody103 – in-universe meta

Any or No Characters (Mother of Learning)

Kirielle Kazinski (Mother of Learning)

Original Character(s) (Mother of Learning)

Original Eagle Shifter Character(s) (Mother of     Learning)

Xvim Chao (Mother of Learning)

Zenomir Olgai (Mother of Learning)

 fandom-specific dnw: romantic and/or sexual Zach/Zorian; physical parental abuse within the Kazinski family; significant exaggeration of canonical emotional neglect/abuse/general family dysfunction

  WB: aranean languages (Mother of Learning)

So, we get at best a very vague description of the aranean language in canon; I’d love something that somehow expands on this! A brief grammar? Some other kind of profile? An attempt to turn their idea-morphemes into words, or outline what they are more explicitly? Up to you!

WB: Folklore and Literature (Mother of Learning)

Over the course of the story we learn plenty of things about the world and about their magic system; we learn a lot less about specific cultural things that aren’t directly relevant to the plot, and that includes folklore and literature—they have novels, we know that much, but that’s about it.  So tell me more!

WB: how language and gesture and mana interact to     form spells (Mother of Learning)

For all that the novel tells us about many different spells, we never really get to see the mechanics of spellcasting, or the underlying form of the mana—tell me how it works!  And there’s also the fact that when you know the spell better you can cut parts out; how does that work in combination with all of this?

WB: Ikosian as spell language: how comprehension     affects outcome (Mother of Learning)

Unless I’ve embarrassingly forgotten how canon actually goes, they use Ikosian (possibly a more specific dialect? I don’t remember, I’m sorry) for their incantations, but iirc they don’t speak that day to day, and even if they do not everyone does—so, you know, how does comprehension of the incantation affect the outcome of the spell?

WB: Oral Traditions (Mother of Learning)

If we don’t get much of literature, we get less of the oral traditions of… well, anywhere, tbh.  So tell me more there!  If you’re looking for something more specific, I’d love to hear about witch, Khusky, morlock, or shifter traditions, but really anything would be great.

WB: the development of unstructured magic and     shaping exercises (Mother of Learning)

We know that way back in the past, human magic users were less adept with unstructured magic; now, if they want to be, they can be very good indeed with it.  How did we get from Point A to Point B?  How did that develop, who discovered all this?

WB: the Winter Mountains (Mother of Learning)

There’s very little to be heard about the Winter Mountains in canon; all we really know is that the eagle shifters flew off there, and the place is Very Dangerous.  So… what are they like? How are the eagle shifters doing out there? What else lives there?

     Mother of Learning - nobody103 – in-universe meta, fanart

Any or No Characters (Mother of Learning)

Kirielle Kazinski (Mother of Learning)

Original Character(s) (Mother of Learning)

Zenomir Olgai (Mother of Learning)

 fandom-specific dnw: romantic and/or sexual Zach/Zorian; physical parental abuse within the Kazinski family; significant exaggeration of canonical emotional neglect/abuse/general family dysfunction

  WB: Architecture (Mother of Learning)

We get a little bit of the architecture in Eldemar, mostly in Knyazov Dveri, but not too much of it; I’d like to see more of it, and from anywhere in their world really.

WB: Artistic Traditions (Mother of Learning)

If we only get a little bit of the architecture, we get less of the art—we know that they have carved doors and Kiri does pencil sketches, and realism is a style they have (or Zorian wouldn’t be thinking about how realistic her drawings were without any hint of that being unusual were she not nine) but what else can you tell me?  What does their art look like; where do these traditions come from; is there some art that’s respectable and other art that isn’t?

WB: Clothing and Fashion (Mother of Learning)

Now.  We get a bit of architecture, less of art, and approximately three lines in the whole 800k about clothing, and none of it very specific, so you’ve got pretty much total freedom here—show me what’s going on!

WB: how language and gesture and mana interact to     form spells (Mother of Learning)

See above section—I just thought this would lend itself well to art as well as meta!

     The Rhianna Chronicles - Dave Luckett – in-universe meta, fanfic

Antheus Northstar | Serenir (Rhianna Chronicles)

Any or No Characters (Rhianna Chronicles)

Arwenna Songsinger | Arwenna the Wise (Rhianna     Chronicles)

Eriseth Arwensgrove (Rhianna Chronicles)

Original Character(s) (Rhianna Chronicles)

Original Male Eldra Character(s) (Rhianna     Chronicles)

Rhianna Wildwood (Rhianna Chronicles)

 Worldbuilding tags:

WB: academic magic and spellcasting techniques     (Rhianna Chronicles)

We don’t see a whole lot of traditional spellcasting that actually works—mostly we see Rhianna’s attempts, which tend not to go all that well, lol.  Other magic we see is primarily from people who know what they’re doing and aren’t explaining things in detail.  Show me some that actually works!  How is it different for schoolchildren and old archmages?  What are the rules and mechanics—they don’t make sense to Rhianna, but clearly some things work and some things don’t, so there’s something going on there at least.

WB: Eldra magic (Rhianna Chronicles)

Since our main Eldra character is Eriseth, we don’t see much of their magic—tell me about it! How does it work? How do they channel it, what do they use it for?

WB: Eldra society (Rhianna Chronicles)

Again, we don’t see a lot of Eldra society—we see a few characters outside of their social group, and the one meeting thing, but not a whole lot of their day- to-day life.  What’s it like?  What’s the role of men in their society; we know they don’t do magic, so what do they do?

WB: Wild Talents and wild magic (Rhianna     Chronicles)

To be fair, we do know a fair amount about how wild magic is worked from canon; I’m interested in going farther—go deeper into things! What can or can’t be done? Why are some people wild talents—how does this happen?

WB: Wizardly College (Rhianna Chronicles)

We only see Wizardly College through Rhianna’s eyes; she doesn’t get all that much of a look at it, either.  So tell me more about it!  What’s it like if you’re actually involved, not just a visitor?

     The Farwalker's Quest - Joni Sensel – in-universe meta, fanfic

Any or No Characters (Farwalker's Quest)

Any Storian(s) (Farwalker's Quest)

Ariel Farwalker (Farwalker's Quest)

Ezekiel Stone-Singer (Farwalker's Quest)

Misha (Farwalker's Quest)

Original Character(s) (Farwalker's Quest)

Scarl Finder (Farwalker's Quest)

 fandom-specific dnw: works that rely on knowledge of later books in order to make sense--i'm not gonna care all that much about spoilers? but i haven't read 'em, so.

  WB: Essence and the Trades (Farwalker's     Quest)

In some ways, Essence—or at least how it’s presented in relation to humans—seems kind of like an inborn specific magical talent, but in other ways it isn’t; Zeke’s tree talks to him, and then later the stones, but the tree talks to Ariel too, if only a little.  Scarl was a Storian before he was a Finder; Ariel’s feet drag her where she needs to go, but she can also learn the basics of Finding and could have been a Healtouch if she’d not messed up the plants.  So how closely are they tied together, Essence and the Trades? How much of an affinity do you need? How much can you make up for lack of affinity with desire and skill?

WB: Folklore and Fairytales     (Farwalker's Quest)

We know a fair amount about the history of this world as people know it, but less about their folklore and fairytales—they have trees that talk and telling darts and Essence and ghosts, they definitely have folklore about those, or other things too.  Do they tell children stories of what lies outside the village? Do they have spirits or Good People who may or may not actually exist?  Who tells these stories—is this still a Storian’s job, or is it the purview of anyone who knows them?  Did there used to be more, before the Forgetting?

WB: ghosts and how they work     (Farwalker's Quest)

Misha’s dead, has clearly been dead for quite some time, and he can do a weird assortment of things—can other ghosts do them? He’s the only one we really see, so we don’t know if he’s special or not. And how common are ghosts anyway—how do they come to be?  What’s up with them, overall?

WB: how Tree-Singer Abbey came     to be (Farwalker's Quest)

Clearly, Tree-Singer Abbey is very old.  If I had to guess, I would say it must have been made either before the Blind War or right after the sight came back—but most likely, given that it contains the Vault, it’s from before.  But Essence, as far as the characters know, wasn’t discovered until afterwards; nor were the Trades.  So who built this abbey, up there in the mountains, with all the trees? Why build it there in the way they did? Was it never widely known that it was also the Vault, or was that forgotten somewhere along the way?

WB: the nature of trees     (Farwalker's Quest)

…so.  What is up with the trees, anyway, and have they always been this way, or did the used to be normal trees?  How sentient are they; how much can they move; what are they like, especially among each other?  Zeke’s tree tries to catch him, so we know they can move on their own; is that typical? Can they do it whenever they want, or only under duress?  Idk man, I just want to know more about the trees, y’know?

     Star Split - Kathryn Lasky – in-universe meta, fanfic

Any or No Characters (Star Split)

Darci Murlowe (Star Split)

Lana | The Prima (Star Split)

Max Lasovetch (Star Split)

Original Character(s) (Star Split)

Original Umbula Character (Star Split)

Vivian (Star Split)

 fandom-specific dnw--all of this is for the narrative level (not addressing it is fine; having characters who believe or do these things is fine): eugenics apologetics; segregation portrayed as good for society/the people living under it; infantilization of disabled characters; portrayal of low-prestige dialects as being "bad grammar" versions of higher-prestige dialects

fandom-specific note: the “setting AU��� dnw is here amended to “surface-level setting AUs” and is expanded on as follows: This is a pretty loose dnw for this fandom, given that the canon leans very hard on the line between straight scifi and science fantasy; it acts like it's grounded future dystopia, speculative but not fantastic, but... well. Based on canon events, I can't fully consider it as such--so as long as you keep the surface elements more or less the same, no matter what the underlying justification for them is we'll be good. Is your explanation Aliens Did It? sweet, go for it. or anything else in that vein. this world is your oyster.

  WB: "tears in the mind"/ancient     word memories in masked chimeras (Star Split)

Okay.  Okay. So.  Most of this book’s worldbuilding is plausible, you know?  If not real-world plausible, at least future scifi dystopia plausible, right?  But. The word thing.  There is no reasonable connection as far as I can see between the genetic condition of masked chimeras and having sudden, unexplained epiphanies about the meanings of words—since the relevant aspects of language are arbitrary, and Darci doesn’t have any particularly detailed knowledge of Modern English (being herself presumably a speaker of Future English, although I have to assume that Future English is surprisingly similar to Modern English given the time scale since the poetry fragments she’s reading don’t seem to have needed any translation for her to understand them, which would generally not be the case with Modern vs Old English—and that is the time scale we’re dealing with here—anyway, let’s move on), there’s no way for her to come up with this?  So please, just, explain how all this works to me?

Really don’t feel you need to stay within the scifi world conventions here lol, especially since this element pretty much… doesn’t.

WB: disability in the Bio     Union (Star Split)

We don’t see much of how disability works here—Darci doesn’t seem to consider herself disabled, and there’s no other character who could really be interpreted as such.  Given how very eugenicist the Bio Union is, I have to wonder how they deal with disabilities they can’t engineer out of existence—tell me how it works!

WB: divergence/difference     between Genhant and Original dialects and mannerisms (Star Split)

So we can see the effects of a long-term social separation here; the dialects used by Genhants and Originals seem fairly different.  Darci observes that Originals’ grammar “might not be as good” but obviously that’s her perspective, being a kid who speaks the prestige dialect; the grammar within their dialect would be no better or worse than Genhant grammar in their speech.  And the Original dialect seems to also include more specific nonverbal communication; if they’re talking less, but (presumably) communicating similar amounts, then they must either be able to convey more information in the same amount of time through their speech, or their dialect includes informal signed elements—Vivian doesn’t seem to parse it as such, but although Darci observes less dialogue from the Original kids, Vivian’s conversations with her uncle aren’t presented any differently than Darci’s conversations with other Genhants.  A tragically unused opportunity, in my opinion.

Show me how these two dialects differ, in more specific ways, rather than just telling me they do!  Tell me about potential miscommunications!  Is there a lack of documentation of the Originals’ dialect due to its low status?  How does this affect scholarship on it?  Are the hand gestures elements of the language in some way, or are they nonlinguistic?

WB: growing up as a Laureate's     umbula (Star Split)

So… how does this work?  They try to replicate the childhood as closely as possible, but obviously it can’t be perfectly done.  Do the kids grow up knowing they’re clones, that they’re meant to be Important Person The Second, Just The Same, or is that hidden from them?  What happens if a Laureate’s umbula decides they don’t want to follow in their predecessor’s footsteps; what if they want to forge their own path in life?  Is that allowed?  No one forced the Laureate into being what they became, after all.

WB: growing up as an Original     (Star Split)

Things that are not entirely clear in this book include the answer to the question of how much of the high degree of segregation we see is socially and economically enforced, and how much of it is legally enforced.  This is interesting—clearly, the original divergence was economic, with the wealthy being able to afford genetic enhancements and the poor not being able to afford them; however, it strikes me as slightly unrealistic that there would be no Originals in Genhant schools or at non-scholarship Genhant summer camps, etc, if there was no segregation on a legal level.  Of course it would be more difficult for Originals to become wealthy enough to afford these, but the fact that none of them seem to have reached that level is very revealing; that tells me there’s far less social mobility than we have in our modern society (which isn’t very mobile, much as we may like to think otherwise) or there’s legal discrimination and segregation keeping things this way or both.

…and with all that being said, I’d love to hear something about what it’s like to grow up in the underclass of this society. We see most things from Darci’s point of view, and she, being a thirteen-year-old who’s basically comfortable in her own life, doesn’t really see that much.  What’s it like, being raised as an Original?  What sort of expectations do Original parents and schools have for their children?  What sorts of jobs do they typically do?  Do they go to university? Can they go to university?  Are there summer camps for them, or do they only get to do things like that on scholarships?  What’s it like, being the Scholarship Kid due not only to your family’s finances but also your very genetics?  How does that change your dynamic with your other Original friends, when you got a scholarship and they didn’t—what do they think about that?  I’d assume they have less obsession with Genetic Predetermination, since they don’t get a map of their probable life at conception… how does that work, in this society that runs on genetic predetermination for so many things?

[gayregis]

Ok here’s another “talk about the Witcher” prompt for you—bonhart. What are your thoughts, other than the fact that he is absolutely vile and evil (cuz obvs)? I think he was a Witcher originally. I think he makes a really good contrast against geralt, and sort of acts as a warning to ciri for what evil her raw skills could be used for. I was really satisfied by how she was finally able to face him and kill him completely alone. BUT I think that the sudden r*pe bits in LotL are unnecessary!

i think bonhart was a necessary evil as he adds so much of the darker themes to the latter half of the witcher saga, as in that blood of elves, time of contempt, and baptism of fire were still kind of lighthearted despite that there was a lot of going down in them. vilgefortz didn’t cut it for me to function as the only villain, just because he’s quite anime-esque in the fact that i think he would anime-laugh to geralt and then explain his super long evil plan to him and be like so what do you think :) im so evil :) ... like, bonhart isn’t a villain, he’s something even worse, he doesn’t find any pleasure in dramatic speeches or flourish, he finds pleasure in sincerely hurting people and watching them in pain. he’s absolutely vile and revolting, and just the most horrible character you could possibly concieve of. vilgefortz is one of the many parties (the lodge of sorceresses, nilfgaard, the aen elle) trying to hunt ciri down for her power, but bonhart hunts down ciri not only for the bounty but just because he wants to hurt her. i’m not really certain if there’s a deeper meaning to this character other than the representation of pure trauma, which has grasped ciri after she has been abandoned by everyone she’s ever known and loved. (and/or a warning of what she could become, as you said and i talk about a little later). i feel like a lot of people want the witcher books but only if they were without bonhart, without stygga, without rivia. and that’s an opinion people can have but i feel some of the utter suffering was put there for a reason... but it did get excessive.

especially the r*pe scenes. in my opinion, r*pe scenes are completely unnecessary... the only scene i think was "passable” was when yennefer stabbed bonhart with a fork, because i really was wanting bonhart to just get stabbed and choke. but i think this scene is also just plain gross still because of how much sapkowski tends to ... describe yennefer as beautiful and like this woman of pure beauty and sexiness despite her cold exterior, and i can’t help but feel it was just indulgent of sapkowski wanting to write yennefer in some kind of “sexual” situation (in quotes, b/c r*pe is not sex). it was pretty useless as a scene because we already know that bonhart is evil and that yennefer is a fighting spirit, so i highly question why it needed to be put in there.

i think a lot of how bonhart treats ciri is just torture p*rn and it just goes completely overboard, like, WE GET IT, HE’S EVIL! but i have to admit that it IS a fantasy series for adults so it’s not like i can say it’s inappropriate. it is also a book series, so you have the option to skip if it’s really unbearable (like it was for me. i basically skimmed all of that violence because i do not need to be absorbing that). i just feel like there are a bunch of sickos out there who would not see ciri’s treatment as such a bad thing, and that’s really why i’m wary of the scenes, like i KNOW there are people out there who WANT to see a teenage girl be abused, and that turns my stomach more than the actual writing does. but sapkowski at least treated it appropriately, as the vile and horrific treatment(s) they are, and didn’t romanticize anything like some authors might.

as a character, i think bonhart is exactly how you describe him, as a contrast to geralt, and also as a contrast to ciri. ciri was using her power for evil, and bonhart serves as this exaggerated caricature of what she could become if she continues on her current path. i say “exaggerated” for a reason, i think bonhart is absolutely an extreme that ciri may not ever really be able to become, but it’s a warning of the possibilities of power and using violence as power. 

also, bonhart serves as a contrast to geralt because he is absolute sadism and lawlessness, and geralt is pacifist in nature (even though he was born into the life of violence) and creates his OWN code to abide by, even when there is no real “witcher code,” because he just feels like it. geralt gives ciri a sword but instructs her not to kill blindly with it, bonhart gives ciri a sword just so she can be forced to kill others. 

the way i see it, geralt and ciri both learned from each other, and they were both wrong about a very specific thing. geralt was wrong about being indifferent and choosing indifference (as he says in time of contempt, and then develops to forge a fiery path to go find his daughter). ciri was wrong about using violence to right wrongs and letting revenge consume her spirit (which she learns through meeting bonhart, and then refines herself to focus her revenge on the sadistic man). as i always view geralt and ciri as not only characters, but larger, more universal symbols of parent and child, i think these two things that they were wrong about really play off of each other as a contrast between old and young, or parent and child. i feel like abiding by indifference plagues the older generation because it feels like a reward for already fighting so many battles, and seeking unrestrained revenge plagues the younger generation because they have not learned yet that it will consume all and bear no fruit.

also p.s.: i wish people would talk more about the theory that bonhart was a witcher originally. i think it holds a lot of weight, because his fighting was pretty much unparalleled, and even cahir who is a really good swordsman, fell to him. it stands then that bonhart has something unique about his fighting style that only another witcher (ciri) could defeat (and cahir also fell to ciri in toc, so it suggests that bonhart and ciri fight in similar ways?). (i know some people wanted geralt to fight bonhart, but i feel like that would have been out of place, as he is ciri’s tormentor and when she killed him that was sooo satisfying. vilgefortz was definitely geralt’s fight anyways, because of how vilgefortz wanted to use ciri and geralt is sworn by being her father to protect her.) but yeah i wonder wtf bonhart’s backstory is. i get he’s supposed to kind of come out of nowhere as a super evil guy, but i feel like he trained with witchers before or something... like he was training and then escaped before he could take the mutations, because he had already learned to kill and gotten a taste for it, drawn to violence after he was introduced to it. 

[queenitn]

So...I just found something that I'd written one night at like 4am a month into lockdown.

It's pretty much a very unnecessarily angry rant.

I can probably contradict half the stuff I say in it myself. It's just...kinda rude in places and when I'm thinking straight there's some parts I don't really agree with myself. It's not aimed at anybody and I'm definitely a hypocrite but I'm gonna post it anyways so go wild I guess.

So I recently took a stroll through Stucky fanfiction on ao3. For a while there I'd been avoiding it, and I'd nearly convinced myself that my mind was exaggerating the whole bottom!Bucky/top!Steve thing but yeah, I'm not.

Normally, I'd say who tops or bottoms doesn't matter. It's pretty irrelevant. But... since the majority of the fanfictions clearly prefer to write bottom!Bucky, obviously, there is some significance. Wouldn't the proportion be more equal if it truly was irrelevant?

Besides being annoying as fuck, it's also pretty interesting I guess. I have nothing else to do so I'm going to be ranting about a lot of stuff.

So, I mostly try to look for bottom!Steve, right? Because that's what I like. I read a bottom!Steve fic, then I say, "Hmm, this author seems to like bottom!Steve, maybe they've written more?" I go check, and I find...mostly bottom!Bucky, with maybe one or two more bottom!Steve.

It's fine the first few times, but after a while it's honestly weird. Clearly, a lot of very good authors have no problem writing bottom!Steve. They just happen to write more bottom!Bucky. As far as I can tell, that's pretty much the common trend. But why? What exactly does one think while starting a new fic, going all, "Hmm...I think...this time.... we're gonna have bottom!Bucky again." Again and again and again until it's most times.

Why is bottom!Steve so fetishized? I don't mean the fics that actually have a dom/sub element. I mean just pure bottom!Steve itself. Why does it have to be some sort of rarity?

As far as I know, there's...really nothing in canon indicating who would likely top or bottom. (I mean yeah, I do believe that canon Bucky is more likely to want to dom than canon Steve, but that's different.)

So, what is it?

Sure, Steve is taller, has a deeper voice, more muscle, a beard....but those are just physical things. They don't actually have anything to do with taking or giving.

Besides, he used to be small before. Is that what this is about? Previously tiny man likes to be in control? Likes to...what? Prove he's a manlier man? Bullshit. Besides the fact that it's bullshit, it also doesn't seem to fit with canon Steve.

The "Sometimes I think you like getting punched" and the "And you've got nothing to prove" make me think that his proving himself had less to do with showing his dominance and more to do with showing his endurance. I'd say bottoming is exactly what he'd want to do.

Besides, wasn't that exactly what made his relationship with Bucky special? The fact that he didn't have to "prove himself" in any way? Bucky already knew his worth.

Is it because Steve likes to give orders? Some sort of "Oh, this guy was always meant to be the leader"? Well, there's a huge difference between being a leader, giving orders in a battlefield...and giving orders in the bedroom. And I'm pretty sure top/bottom preferences would be completely unrelated to who's the boss at work.

But nevermind that, as far as I can tell, sure Steve gives orders, but he also looks to the people he trusts for guidance. The best example is Nat. The thing that makes their friendship so goddamm precious is partly in the way he always glances at her for confirmation before making a decision. Isn't Bucky sort of like an Ultimate Nat with sex benefits?

Nevermind that too. Steve bossing people around is great, but that's not the point, is it? The point is does he enjoy it? I think, the only movie where he did look like he relished his power was TFA. I'm pretty confident that's because of the novelty of his new strength partially, and partially also because of the rush caused by his back to back successes. Why? Because he never seems to take that kind of enjoyment again. As opposed to...maybe Sam? The guy who gets his literal wings back after (presumably) years and lets out a whoop after being chased by the missile thingies. Sam's joy doesn't wear off. Steve's does.

Is it just me, or has this skew towards bottom!Bucky actually increased over the years? Why? I can say a few things on this.

First, maybe people need to remember a bit more that Sebastian Stan is not Bucky Barnes. Chris Evans is not Steve Rogers. And Steve Rogers is not Captain America.

No matter what you think about the actors, the characters they play are separate. Please.

Second, there is a very interesting theory that exists which says that the reason why Bucky is so popular in the fandom is because his character arc is relatable to women and the queer community in the fact that it's about him regaining his stolen agency. Which is true.

Does this have anything to do with him bottoming though? I mean, I don't know. Fanfictions are important because they allow us to explore ourselves, whether it's our sexuality or our trauma that we're trying to figure out. In that way, it makes sense that maybe we will tend to write Bucky as a bottom more often. Except no.

Partly because, having had bad experiences at a young age myself, and being queer myself, I do not relate to Bucky. And hypothetically speaking, I would totally bottom for Peggy or Bucky, but I would rail the absolute shit out of Steve. I canNOT be the only one.

Partly also because yeah, a lot of fanfiction is projection, which is good for the soul, both yours and mine, but not to the point where we create a fanon version of the character completely different from the canon one. Yeah, you could say that canon doesn't really give us much of a character, but clearly they give us something and we have to build up on that right? It's true for both Bucky and Steve. Bucky barely has lines, but his actions speak enough. There's an absolutely breathtaking character waiting for you in canon if you really want to look. As for Steve, let me just say, sass and the tiniest little hints of PTSD do not make a whole character. Marvel fucked it up, but this goes for the fandom too (this is keeping in mind that Steve technically has three movies dedicated to him and Bucky doesn't)

Stop treating Steve like your personal punching bag, Stucky fandom.

It does happen, if we project our bad experiences on Bucky, Steve often naturally fills the role of the clueless/mildly asshole-ish love interest. Not too much of an asshole though, clearly you love him.

That's fine. Fanfiction is about self expression, but should we lose sight of the canon characters that we loved so much in the first place? And isn't fanfiction just as much about exploring those characters, as objectively as we possibly can?

Another thing related to that...why do we only have to identify with one character? I don't know how to put this, but there's a thing called halo effect and I think that's kind of what happens (I'm not a psychologist).

You see something in Bucky. And then you start to attribute more and more things to him that may or may not actually exist. Like yeah, he's fullfilling the traditional love interest role in Steve's movies, but that doesn't automatically mean he's a bottom. The two things are... actually entirely unrelated. They're only related in your mind. And similar to that, when we see one thing in a character that we identify with, we kind of want to see even more things in them we identify with, but it doesn't have to be like that. That's not how any person works, and it's not how any fully developed character works. You can relate to both the characters in different ways, no need to dump it all in one.

Ok, another thing, that I don't like to think about but it's occured to me and I don't like it. So, Steve is generally coded as a bisexual, right? And Bucky is coded as gay. Look yourself in the eye in the mirror and think about whether you're unconsciously assuming that the bi guy isn't going to want to bottom. I'm a bisexual woman, I will top Steve. I kind of resent this.

Going off on another tangent, I have also delved into Stony on my quest for bottom!Steve. Pretty sure there's even less of that there. Why??? That's crazy.

Normally, I'm pretty sure Tony would be coded as the top. He's much older, richer. He clearly has control issues. That's one of his defining features. Control. (I don't mean that in a bad way.) So....what exactly do Bucky and Tony have in common besides dark hair and short hight? The only thing I could come up with was thotiness. They're both shown as Thots. Is that it? The Thot Bottoms? Ok.

Is it the whole energy thing? "Bucky has bottom energy"? Does he? Can you argue with me if I say that TFA Steve has bratty bottom energy? That TFA Bucky goes from service top energy to mean top energy? Pretty sure that's subjective. But what exactly are we seeing differently here? I'm honestly asking.

Bucky's character is ridiculously strong, stronger than Steve in some ways (besides probably physically). Specifically, it's because of his ability to not only survive, but heal. Can we acknowledge how crazy that is? He's just fucking buying plums, but that's still more than we've ever seen Steve do. You can say his trauma is greater, but it looks like his coping ability is greater too. So is that what this is? Steve doesn't cope. Instead he focuses on external things like being Cap, Hydra, Bucky. I wouldn't call that a healthy way of living...but it's romantic, right? Neglecting to take care of yourself? No, actually avoiding taking care of yourself by focusing entirely on another person? Is that it? We're romanticizing unhealthy behaviour?

Is it because you feel more for Bucky, wearing his hurt on his sleave, versus Steve who wears it hidden under his skin?

Am I allowed to believe that Steve's ultimate shield isn't the vibranium one, but Captain America himself?

That's just me getting off track and mildly pissy but the point stands. We like seeing Steve in control. He wears it well. He's good at it. But that's just not that relevant. You don't just boss poeple around in the bedroom because you're good at it, you have to want it too. Would he want it? Is a commanding voice really an indicator of a person's desire to command? Can we really say because he's usually the one giving orders (because that's his actual job), that he likes it too? Does he look like he especially likes it? No.

I've been around fandoms long enough to know that all fandoms always have a preference regarding who ultimately tops or bottoms. This isn't the first time it's bugged me, but it feels more this time because I just don't see it. And it makes me angry because it contradicts what I feel, are the best parts of the characters. No, Bucky bottoming isn't the contradiction..but all this that I wrote, the connotations of this kind of coding, the underlying thoughts.... some of it is just not nice, but some of it opposes the little things that humanize these characters. It wouldn't matter, except that it wouldn't have happened at all if it didn't matter.

It's not just what happens to them in canon that matters so much. It's also what they choose to do for themselves when they have the chance. It feels like they made their choices and half the fandom ignored it. "Nah man, you'll look better at the bottom. Look at that hair."

Because ultimately, that's what it feels like to me. A mixture of not thinking too much about it (though I know this post probably counts as overthinking), some wierd internalised heteronormativity, and I don't know what just kind of fucks with all of us. All I know is that I hate it. I hate it.

It's not the bottom!Bucky I hate, it's the underlying, unthinking assumptions. The way it's a foregone conclusion. It's not. I really just want to be able to read the goddamn fanfictions again without wanting to tear my skin off.

( You can help by giving reccs)

[vios-rockland-corner]

RoR Article 2: Do Nothing

To make things easier on myself, I’m splitting up my thoughts on the Rumors of Rockland second article.  I already gave an overview of this game.  Here, I’ll cover whatever random thoughts and observations I had for the events that occur when you choose to do nothing.

 [Major spoilers below for Rumors of Rockland Article 2]

First off, it’s not unrealistic that the MC passing by might not choose to do anything about Callum’s situation.  They’re not wrong that they could get hurt or be a hindrance.  Shame they wouldn’t think to go get help but let’s be honest…a lot of people prefer to stay out of trouble and leave people to their own devices.

If it makes you feel better, you could always imagine up an MC who has a bit of a deeper reason why they would choose to do nothing in this situation.  The MC may suffer from extreme anxiety that won’t allow them to think properly if they try to invest themselves in the situation.  This could even be related to trauma in their past. Maybe they even did try to either help directly or get help for someone else in a similar situation like this before…but it ended poorly.  Or maybe the MC has the belief that people need to be able to take care of themselves? Could be a lot of reasons you could come up with for that line of thinking, good or bad.

Or yeah, people do just pass by a lot of stuff daily without inserting themselves.  Like I said, not unrealistic.  At least we know Callum turns out fine here regardless.

When you choose to leave Callum alone though, there’s not much one-on-one interactions that occur afterwards.  You pretty much get stuck listening to the chatter in the bar because there’s no real good way to insert yourself from here on out.  I think that makes sense that if the MC wasn’t feeling up for helping Callum out, they also really wouldn’t have the confidence here to interject in whatever’s being said.  Not to mention, Avery clearly did not like strangers trying to start gossip with him.

Regarding this gossip in particular, there isn’t a whole lot for me to comment on.  This feels more like trivia about Trevor and Heidi, who clearly didn’t have a good relationship.  I don’t know about Heidi, but we might see Trevor in the future.  But otherwise there’s not much else to take from that.

I don’t think the subject of the conversation is the main takeaway here anyway.  What’s more important is the lesson about gossip and rumors.  By the way, yes I love that the creators actually utilized a “rumor” in this series. Now the title fits.  

What happened here is that Avery didn’t get all his details straight.  There was definitely some truth being said, but some of the facts were fabricated or exaggerated.  It’s a good thing Foal came along when she did to correct Avery.  If she hadn’t, rumors and gossips like that could have easily spread further among Avery and Callum’s friend group and reputations and events could have gotten worse for the wrong reasons.  

It would have been bad if they kept assuming that Trevor was using, and it would also been bad if they assumed Heidi was providing drugs.  Yes as bad as Heidi sounds, it’s very important that you judge a person for what they have ACTUALLY done, not an assumption.  People should be judged only for the crimes they actually commit.  Don’t ever make up stuff more than what’s been done (even if you hate a person, that’s still not fair regardless).

Brief real talk, this definitely applies to real life.  It’s never a bad idea to fact check something very serious if it’s something you’re especially concerned with.  If you’re not careful, lots of information about a person or event could end up being exaggerated about or misconstrued along the way.  What’s worse, there are people who WILL deliberately lie about something to sway an audience their way.  For example, we all know abusers and other toxic people exist.  You can even have a person who cheats on their S/O and then gets caught…who will THEN go to their friends or on social media and play the victim saying the S/O was the one who cheated on THEM.  I have a particular disgust for people who do that, and unfortunately as long as you act out the part of the victim properly, you can sometimes get people on your side without even providing evidence.

If you can ever find solid research and evidence to support claims made, that’s always best.  Getting everyone’s side of the story is good too. I understand though that it’s nearly impossible to NOT form an opinion or have certain emotions about something you’ve just heard.  I think what’s more important though is your actions after the fact.  I’m not a fan of people who act viscerally to the point where they take extreme measures without having tried to get the details from all sides.  But that’s just me.

I’ll stop there with the real talk though (this can be a touchy subject for me for a variety of reasons).  Let’s get back to the game.  What does mean now as the player?

Basically, it confirms that you can’t ALWAYS trust what some of these characters say to you. Admittedly, I made the mistake of actually believing every word Avery was saying before Foal stepped in. Why?  Because I don’t know these characters or this world very well yet, so I’m relying on the characters we’re presented to give me the low down.  Yes I know, very bad of me that I wasn’t even following my own advice.  But hey, it’s not like I was going out and flipping picnic tables or anything from stuff I heard, so no harm no foul.  It’s just a game.

If you’re like me, you were expecting every character to be knowledgeable about the goings-on in Rockland. Unfortunately, it seems not EVERY character’s words can be taken at face value.  From now on when a character talks, there’s going to be three types of information they’ll provide us:

-        Honest Truth

-        Misinformation

-        Deliberate Lie

Pretty self explanatory. Honest truth is provided by characters who are both knowledgeable about a subject or person AND see no reason to misconstrue facts to the MC or in an open setting.  Misinformation is provided by characters who aren’t INTENTIONALLY trying to lie, but are not actually as knowledgeable about a subject or person as they think they are.  The information they have could be an understatement, overexaggerated or misconstrued in some other way such as being taken out of context.  Avery serves as a good example of that here.  I stated in my previous post that I consider Avery a very honest person.  I still do. He was not TRYING to mislead Callum about what had happened.  He just had his facts wrong, so not a deliberate lie.  

Deliberate lies are provided by people who characters who are indeed knowledgeable about a character or subject, but choose to actively provide false information for their own purposes.  No we have no idea yet if we have come across any deliberate liars in RoR.  I wouldn’t be surprised though if the MC or other characters are lied to about “certain activities” other people commit to avoid a panic.  Especially if it has to do with murder or another crime.  

It may not always have to do with crime though.  Maybe some characters hate each other and will be trying to spread some nasty rumors so we view their enemy/rival in a more negative light when said person is actually not that bad.  Or it could be the opposite case where someone knows a person who is VERY messed up, but they will paint them in a good light because they are either a friend or just trying to cover for them.  Maybe they’re even trying to lure people into a false sense of security…

From the characters we’ve seen, here’s my guess list as to what I THINK these characters will provide us so far:

-Whesker: Honest Truth or Deliberate Lie

-Foal: Honest Truth or Deliberate Lie

-Avery: Honest Truth or Misinformation

-Callum: Honest Truth or Misinformation

-Tyler: Honest Truth

-Dylan: Honest Truth

- Shane: Honest Truth or Deliberate Lie

- Sydney: Deliberate Lie?

 I don’t have much to go off of here.  My reasoning goes as such: If they’re a much older character or appear more sound of mind, they’re likely more knowledgeable.  The younger ones I think are more likely to be honest or misinformed, and ones that are more likely to engage in criminal activity or more likely to lie.  Foal is the only one of those I don’t THINK engages in anything criminal, I see her more likely just KNOWING what some other people do.  Tyler and Dylan I don’t know much about, and I’m only going by how they seemed to view Avery in a different light than Callum does.

Speaking of Callum, I won’t be surprised if there’s a big chance of misinformation from this dude. I’m already thinking he treats Avery a little too lightly at times.  “Puppy dog” isn’t really what I’d describe Avery as…more like a “bull dog.”  I still have gotten no vibes that he does anything criminal other than use drugs he probably shouldn’t be doing.  I’m starting to doubt he even knows what his own brother Quill does on the side.  That means even more chances for misinformation.

What does this mean for me writing these posts then?  Well, despite everything I just said…I really will just be taking everything at face value.  Just like the MC said.  I know that sounds crazy, but unless I’m aware of a character’s actions and mannerisms from another game, there’s no way for me to know whether what I hear is accurate or not.  So in future posts, just know I will be treating nearly all information received as a fact to make it easier to discuss.  BUT, I may still entertain the possibility of the information given being false from time to time.  Probably not everything because that’d just be too much work, but things I guess I feel would be very interesting if they were false.  If that makes sense.

What else happened here? I did notice that I THINK what Avery was applying to Foal was that she’s been the victim of rumors before?  I’m not entirely sure to be honest.  It wasn’t very clear what Avery was implying (he was kind of tripping over himself there).

Finally, while we don’t connect with any characters this route, we get the little bonus at the end with Sydney and Shane Dixie.  Again, you can get their names if you check the website and scroll over their pictures where you would download the game.  The Dixie family is something in Rockland, but I don’t have enough information to really be able to guess what their deal is. Only other Dixie I think I remember is August Dixie.  It’s also interesting to note that Sydney’s last name is Dixie, but his father is named Dante Stryker.  Sydney’s mom and brother also have Stryker for their last name.  Not sure what to make of that yet.

Shane is apparently Whesker’s brother, so more proof that Whesker knows a LOT of dark stuff going on. We don’t have a lot of context in the scene for what just happened other than Sydney was helping a friend and Shane had to either help or completely bail Sydney out of a situation.  I won’t be surprised if we see similar situations like this in future where you have the older dubious folks having to keep the younger dubious kids in check.  Hey, lots of bad stuff happens in Rockland, but the older ones know they can’t let the younger ones grow up thinking they can get away with ANYTHING without getting caught.  That’s not going to be good for the town if it gains a bad reputation OUTSIDE of Rockland.

I could see the younger characters acting out a lot on their emotions or off a high that they can get away with whatever they want because they know people that can clean up after them. But yeah, the older folks need to teach them before it’s too late to use their head or else.  That’s probably why this game brought up a lot of names of people who keep things straight around town like Sergio.  There’s some order in this chaos.

I’m happy Shane didn’t see the MC as a liability here at least.  That’s a relief.

With that, I believe I’ve reached the end of my thoughts on Rumors of Rockland Article 2.  See you next time.

[tothedarkdarkseas]

What do you think is the REAL difference between Stu and Murdoc? Is it upbringing, age, personality, or cocktail of things?

I’ve gotta tell you, of all the kind asks you sent (and what a nice thing that was of you to do, thank you, they were fun to ponder!) this is the one I’m like… jittery to answer because there’s just so much to be said. Put under a cut because it ended up kinda stupid-long.

I mean, what has to be determined first is– are Murdoc and Stu that different? I tend to think they’re not, not as much as they are alike. That’s actually what I like best about them and something I usually play to when I can, how much they both resemble a certain stereotype but with their own twist. Many of their differences are a little superficial, like Stu being a bit more geezery with his football and all, and Murdoc being less uptight with his hobbies (be it involving cheeky GTA or a gimp mask.) I joked the other day that the biggest difference between the two is just that Murdoc does uppers and Stu does downers, and that’s pretty much it. I do think on a “deeper” level, like a more innate behavioral level, they’re a lot more similar than they actually realize.

But with all that being said, of course they’re not identical, and there’s a lot that contributes to where exactly they differ. I think that everything you said is absolutely relevant to that!

Let’s start with age and upbringing. The age difference between Murdoc and Stu is actually fairly stark when you just look at the years, but it never feels quite that bad to me because Murdoc and Stu are both so emotionally stunted and immature. There’s a line in Bojack Horseman than I think is incredibly on-point here, about how “the age you are when you get famous is the age you stop growing.” I think for Stu, it absolutely damned him to become famous at around 20, it locked him mentally into an age where he should’ve been learning everything wouldn’t be given to him, and instead it was just… given to him. In excess. If you follow that reasoning Murdoc’s sort of odd though, in that he never actually achieved fame on any major scale until he was in his 30′s. It seems more like Murdoc’s exaggerated sense of self-importance (probably a response to knowing, very much knowing, that he was not in fact something towering and impressive at all, and there’s like… something absurdist in really choosing to think he is. That’s almost the ultimate form of his Humor As A Shield– what could be a bigger joke than not hating himself?! Ha! It’s funny because it’s sad!) set in way before he actually became famous. It’s more like his maturity is stalled at the time he started trying to be famous. Stu didn’t actually try to pursue music at all before, while Murdoc spent a decade absolutely convinced that it had to work and doggedly not accepting when it wasn’t. It feels like these two approaches enabled (or damaged) them in different ways, but both end up with the result of men who don’t act their age for many years and have hedonistic, stereotypically rockstarish ways of living far beyond that of their bandmates. Stu can barely claim he knows better though and is perhaps more… people are gonna yell at me for being so hard on him haha, but more spoiled and therefore more ignorant because he never actually lived a responsible adult life. (Does that mean Stu hasn’t had difficulty in that life? Absolutely not. The man has at least three counts of massive head trauma and was in a coma for an undetermined period of time, he has a permanent physical impairment that likely impacts his vision, I think he’s earned a few perks.) Murdoc on the other hand is very aware of what it was like to be a failure, to be conventionally unemployable, and to have so little to lose that he’d make incredibly stupid decisions that could’ve ended his free life. His indulgence now is frankly more extreme, but Murdoc has an even greater sense of believing he earned that and he owes nothing (whether that’s completely true or not.) 

And that’s just touching on the ends of their “upbringing,” not the actual 18+ years that went into it. It goes without saying that Stu and Murdoc had very different home lives– Rachel and David Pot are suggested to be rather precious with Stu out of some probable guilt for his first head trauma, in complete contrast to Sebastian’s humiliation and neglect– but on top of that, what seems to be glossed over at times is how they grew up in very different regions at very different time periods. I’m far from an authority on this or on anything (as always I really suggest asking @elapsed-spiral if you want better information, don’t let the hiatus thing fool you, Danni’ll still talk about British Shit Innit) but I’m told the British school system Murdoc would’ve endured in the 60s and 70s was unremittingly bleak and damaging to a child’s development. Despite his immaturity and my feelings that their age difference isn’t really so pronounced, Murdoc is older than Stu and unfortunately he experienced a much colder and rougher school environment, and it’s tough to argue that didn’t have an effect. (Though on the flipside, Stu was in school during Section 28, a thing I’m also not an authority on. Go figure a working class and very closeted bisexual man in the 80s might internalize some homophobia! The go-go 80s aren’t all they’re cracked up to be.) It’s not exactly surprising that Murdoc, who grew up on the lowest end of working class, in council housing, in an unglamorous Northern town like Stoke with a neo-fascist brother and a neglectfully-abusive alcoholic father, would come away an emotionally repressed and embittered person. It’s almost a bit bold that Murdoc is as “flamboyant” as he is (even if it comes with a hefty side of toxic masculinity)– he could’ve become hateful in a more stony way, but instead he’s like a giddy-cruel showman out of spite. You can argue that Murdoc’s lack of support system results in him feeling much more unfettered. He has no one to thank for getting him out of that and no one he credits for getting him where is. He very much has the mentality of “I take what I can and do what I want, because the world owes me everything.” And in a way, I can see where that’d come from.

He’s wrong though. Because Stu’s there. And Stu owes Murdoc nothing.

I know I’m really running on here, and I think you probably already have a picture of what I see Stu’s upbringing and childhood as. Rachel Pot is the unsung best character in Gorillaz, Stu was quite coddled by his parents, and Stu admits to being largely unmotivated and rudderless. It’s notable that Stu is in fact also working class but he’s presented like he’s not, I think just as a result of looking a lot better in comparison to Murdoc and us Americans not fully knowing the details of the British class system as compared to ours. (I don’t want to condescend to you anon, you may be British and know all this a lot better than I do. But because I am American, what would be more American than assuming everyone’s American?) I would say Stu’s family places on the higher end of that though (again, council housing for Murdoc, Stu had a garden with what must’ve been a decently big tree for him to fall out of) and isn’t portrayed as struggling in the same way. His job at Norm’s seems more like something he does because he’s not allowed to sit in the house all day, and he likes messing with the keyboards and he likes having spending money because he’s too old for allowance, and girls he’s fooled around with occasionally pop in to his work and bring him a pastry from the Tesco Express she works at and they make out in her car. Stu comes away from Crawley with quite a few “tethers” that disallow him from feeling as “loose” as Murdoc– he has a good relationship with his parents, a handful of mates, probably a handful of girls he wasn’t on bad terms with, at least one who’d end up becoming his girlfriend. So why does he have some of the same “cruel showman” qualities as Murdoc? Why does his entitlement end up looking much the same? That’s all personal interpretation of course, but I’d say it’s because Murdoc drove a car into his face and stole an unspecified amount of time from his life. I’d say because he’s out of his parent’s house for the first time in his life, and he’s going full throttle into being this person now. I’d say that in one night, and many unconscious nights following it, Murdoc smashed that same embittered attitude into the front of Stu’s skull. To be clear, that isn’t writing off Stu’s faults on Murdoc; it isn’t to say Murdoc made him egotistical or promiscuous or immature. But the attitude that you are fucking owed something is really only an attitude they share because Murdoc gave Stu someone to spite where he didn’t have that before.

(I recognize this whole dynamic isn’t for everyone and I do get it, and for what it’s worth I think it’s totally correct to say Murdoc gave Stu all the best things in his life. He just also gave him the worst bits too. The reality is neither would be here without each other, for all the good and bad that implies. It’s true that Stu’s famous because of Murdoc, but it’s also true that Murdoc’s famous because of Stu. What a tangled web!)

I’m sorry, I’m so off the question now, I just love this stuff. So, personality! That’s unquestionably a factor, the answer to the nature vs nurture debate will always be a little bit of both. I think if you tallied up all of Stu and Murdoc’s traits, desires, and behaviors after they’ve been living together a few years, you’d find a longer list in the similarities column than the differences. The environmental influence doesn’t just stop at where you’re raised, I think the environment you live in and the people who inhabit it continue to have an impact on you pretty much throughout life; even if moving to a richer city doesn’t “change” you, it changes the way you look at things, understand things, respond to things. It just inherently does. Still, I recognize that’s my own characterization of them and if you just look at the characters in canon, you’d be hard pressed to say they seem like the same guy. There are things about them that are just innately different, some of it learned through their upbringing and some of it dictated by… the way they’re wired.

Which is a point I’m really hesitant to comment on too much, but– mental health. It probably doesn’t look the same between Stu and Murdoc. There are other blogs who will discuss in more depth their neurodivergent headcanons and I see nothing wrong with that, I don’t really think there is any case that can’t be made, but I’m not especially confident making those cases myself. What I’ll say is that I don’t necessarily read Stu as having any specific learning disorder, because I fear it’s a little… iffy to have so many jokes in canon about him being thick or being slow. I think it really is just that, even prior to the injuries I reckon Stu was “a bit thick.” Head trauma doesn’t help that, though. Lifelong migraines and impaired motor function came about from the brain damage, absolutely, and I do imagine he must’ve suffered some neural response slowing, but his “lower intelligence” I feel a little less comfortable casually ascribing to anything and more to just Stu being Stu. Murdoc is also a case to be careful with, but within phase 3 it seems fair to say Murdoc suffers a psychotic break and is dealing with some delusions. Dangerously, I kind of lean into thinking this isn’t something that “just happened” because of the events of El Mañana and Plastic Beach, and that Murdoc had perhaps needed to be on an anti-psychotic like lithium well before that point. Again, I don’t want to insensitively represent this so I try not to really put such a fine point on things, but… I’m a little inclined to think Murdoc went undiagnosed in his young life and still may be demonstrating some effects of that. So, y’know, make what you will of it, but there’s that.

Sorry I nattered on about this, I do really enjoy examining both characters. Jokes about the drugs and stuff aside, I’ve always felt that the biggest difference between Murdoc and Stu is that Murdoc is adaptable, and Stu is malleable. Where that stems from is probably a combination of all these things. Murdoc knows what he wants and has no loyalties, he’s been without a future, he does what he can to succeed because he’s already done what he can to survive; Stu doesn’t know what he wants and he does have “loyalties,” but he has no sense of purpose, and he’s easily nudged in the direction you need him to go. While he can be stubborn, just like Murdoc, he’s also more sincerely shaped by his experiences even later in life into multiple, sometimes disparate versions of himself– I might even wager that’s why Stu becomes such a contradictory character without any of the contradictions feeling inauthentic. The two of them “being what they need to be” is part of the reason they accomplished as much as they did. But it’s also hard to say that they really “held on” to each other through the years, or if they just melded together in parts.

[mysticalmindblog]

The challenges you face today could well be your victories tomorrow, but in order to tackle the issues at hand you need to have the clear intention of being mindful to know how to wade through the minefield of the EGO to get to the other side.

So many of us are swept up in our own self-importance that when troubles or challenges come, we go scurrying quickly into safe-spaces and comfort zones whining. We live in the Age of the Ego; of the Selfie, of the hot Social Media profile, of the Likes, and Followers. Narcissism is ritualized and celebrated in every form of media and entertainment. We want to be better than anyone else, even if it means stepping on others, or we have to fake it to make it.

Does your Ego make you feel good about yourself?

How important are you, to you..?

An awkward question to contemplate, and answer, right..?

For the greater majority of people, if asked this question, an instinctive mental answer would arise out of the ego and say, "I am the most important thing to me." However, I wonder for how many people a deeper part of the pure mind would interfere in that reply actually being spoken out loud.

Humility, and a deeper - often overlooked sense of understanding where the evils of ego are concerned, are present in all of us; and fortunately can be triggered into blocking us from making embarrassing blunders when conversations go a certain way in social situations.

The reality though, is that we humans to all intents and purposes appear to be creatures driven and motivated by insatiable desires, expectations, and self-importance. We are on this planet for a very brief time, and we spend so much of that time trying to prove to everyone else our value and worth, while having no clue about our real identity or purpose.

And yet, for all we think about ourselves, our ego, our gutsy desires, our wildly exaggerated social media profiles, and self-marketing - for the majority, we really are nothing more than temporary consumers on this planet.

We are so distracted with seeking the next best comfort item, escapism, comfort food, and comfortable environment, apathetically being lectured each and every day by the commercial advertising thrown at us in practically every aspect of our lives - only to consume, and consume, and consume some more, and keep consuming, and want to consume more, and on and on it goes.

Do you think I am being a bit harsh and narrow minded with the above statement..?

If you do, please read on, to understand this angle of perception.

You, I, and every other individual, are nothing more than a potential revenue source, a consumer who needs to be told what they need to consume in order to be happy, in the eyes of every business, company, and corporation. We are simply a means to an end - and that is to generate revenue, make profits, provide finance for others to live from. The care is only for the bottom line, and whatever it takes to ensure the bottom line is fruitful.

And then there is us, the customer, the consumer. For us, wherever we think the grass is greener (the price is cheaper) we will inevitably always run. And why not, right..? After all, everyone wants a great deal and a super bargain, get more for less, or maybe get stuff for free - even better! Whoever likes to make a dash towards anything that takes away from your pleasure center, and instead gives suffering and hardships..?

Nobody. It's all about the comforts and pleasures.

So, what has all this got to do with the Image Quote theme for this blog entry..?

Everything to do with it, actually.  I myself am a firsthand witness that when you get completely and utterly frustrated by a situation or a bundle of challenges in life, you 'can' learn the most important lessons of your life.

It really has to be clear that when suffering occurs and painful choices and procrastination are concerned, a lack of due diligence will return the human psyche into a repeating cycle of "I am hurt, I need sympathy and comforting because it's all so unfair'.

The potential to grow, and retain enlightening information to be able to pass on to others, is inherent in every challenge you will ever encounter. This is a fact of life. Nobody is exempted from this potential for so long as they have breath in their body.

If you notice I highlighted the word 'can' in the above paragraph. The reason being is that a typical knee-jerk response to a tough life challenge is to experience a surge of emotion, giving rise to instant anxiety and a sudden quest to find the nearest comfortable looking 'safe-space', whether physical or mental; from calling someone for help, to rushing to obtain escapism through alcohol or narcotics. This is another tragic set of statistics, alcohol and drug abuse as a result of individuals falling into despair after being afflicted by a severe life trauma or negative series of events. Challenge after issue after trauma after problem, can stack up in a literal heartbeat - and with the demands and constraints of modern society, it is all too easy to fall down, and fall hard.

The Fortunate Few

Some are fortunate enough to have supportive and caring families, or friends, while others invariably end up alone, forgotten, ignored.

There is so much sadness and suffering in the world related directly to our inadequate understanding of our true potential for overcoming the pain that life brings via those life-changing challenges that everyone will endure regardless of age, race, gender, or social status.

So, how do we discover and realize our true potential..?

How do we achieve a real state of peace of mind..?

How is it possible to rise above the pain and suffering that affects us, and undoubtedly will again and again..?

How do we interpret life's challenges as great lessons to make us wiser and stronger individuals..?

LESS ATTACHMENTS.

LESS DISTRACTIONS.

LESS WORRYING ABOUT THINGS WE CANNOT CONTROL.

MORE ACCEPTANCE.

MORE SELF CONTEMPLATION.

MORE LIVING IN THE MOMENT YOU ARE IN.

MORE COMPASSION.

Please, for a moment or two, imagine the above 7 points are titles for sections of a typical college course syllabus.

Now, imagine the course syllabus is called "My Life".

The first semester begins on the day you are born.

The last semester ends on the day you die.

Do you see the proper context now..? Is your perspective changing yet..?

Compassionate

The best way to learn in life is through hands on experience. There are things that hold true regardless of whether you are religious or not, irrespective of your beliefs - in life, that sculpt you and shape you. When you see by looking back over your life how you have been educated by the most tumultuous times and harshest challenges, you'll realize that by embracing those things that normally cause you anxiety, you can not only overcome those issues, and learn a great deal from them, but also in fact speed them right along to their conclusion - all the while maintaining a warm and compassionate heart - especially for others who you know are going through the same challenges.

Believe in yourself. The pure YOU beneath all those layers that the cold, cruel world sees daily. Cast off those layers, embrace the lessons life is teaching, and pay-it-forward by taking your hard earned wisdom to others who are suffering needlessly.