teasack-blog

[teasack-blog]

longing and the lack of locking in - tea sack

I had a breakdown and decided to start a tumblr blog, because I don't know what else there is to do but air out my dirty laundry to around two or three people on the internet. I don't know how to handle anything anymore, so maybe some of you do. anyways, now comes my tale of woe, grab some botox to remedy the cringe your features will endure.

nothing could've prepared me for the stage of life where you're 17 going on 18, in that awkward period where you're treated as both an adult and child. it's my final year of school, and no matter how many people say they miss school when they get older, I am done. I never want to step foot in this place again. all that character development just for me to crash and burn again in grade 12. at least when I was at my lowest before, I wasn't longing for a boy that has no interest besides being BESTIES. I DON'T WANT TO BE YOUR BESTIE, BESTIE. FUCK YOU, I AM GREAT AND YOU'D BE LUCKY TO LOVE ME. but also I really like you and would like to find the key to being friends with someone that has brought me the closest to love so far. I know I'm only seventeen, but this boy is something truly special. the way he looks at me, the way he carried himself, his kindness, how he cares so much about his acne that he wears makeup. his voice. I just wish he could see the same specialness in me. and maybe smooch me on the couch while we watch a movie. nothing too drastic.

nobody seems to be noticing how much I'm struggling, besides my friend who goes to a totally different school. and even so they have their own problems weighing on them, many that we share. I'm spread open and shoved full of homework everyday like some type of prostitute nerd, and no matter how much I sleep I can't seem to shake the bags under my eyes or the slump of my shoulders when I walk through my prison of a school. I swear I'm going to crack, and when I have a meltdown in the bathroom I expect my therapy to be paid for IN FULL, because obviously no adult I know knows how to remedy my teenage pain. on top of that, when I finally get home, tired as if I've worked a 24hr shift in the mines, I immediately check my messages to see if this loverboy of mine has somehow suddenly changed his mind about me. he hasn't yet, but let's cross our fingers besties 😊🤞

I don't know how to prepare my mind for these upcoming exams. I don't know how to muster the energy to not curl up on top of my work books and rot away in a heavenly coma. I don't know how to care or regulate my emotions when I DO care. I don't know anything, that's the one thing I do know. it's hard not to do anything bad to myself, it's hard not to cry everyday, it's hard to cry in a way that fixes me, if only for a little bit. I just want to be alone for a while, but who knows how well that would go? I'd love to be somewhere cold right now, working at a coffee shop where my friends come visit, flirting with a cute guy who orders some fruity drink. I'd talk about how much I love the cold and then scribble my number on his cup, and while I wait for his message I write my epicly epic fantasy book. doesn't it sounds divine?

at least it's friday, and once everyone is asleep I can chug an energy drink and spend the quiet hours playing fortnite and reading Circe. I suppose I should focus on the positive, but it's getting difficult.

much love, teasack <3