#like I genuinely think most people would be less miserable if they worked on their all-or-nothing thinking

[music-orthemisery]

Hi! First of all I wanted to say how much I love reading your posts on p2 and fob in general, blogs like yours are MY happy place 😊

Second of all, I’m genuinely surprised, that nowadays with Pete being a family guy, for the lack of better term, is focused on his projects and his band, and his children, doing pretty tame things, like playing golf with his dad, for love’s sake! And some people still find some things to shitpost about??? In that case, I hope he’s not so much of an online presence anymore and things like this don’t get to him.

Aw, thank you so much! Like I said, I come here for fun. If my silly yappings make it fun for someone else too, then yay!

I’ll be honest when I say the stuff re: Pete doesn’t surprise me. I think Patrick said it best in the Zane Lowe interview - Pete is an interesting dude, and how people react to that will vary.

Obviously Pete has faults, and pre-h Pete…kinda sucked sometimes. PETE even recognizes this. He has said multiple times that he did not like who he had become and had to do a lot of work on himself during the hiatus.

However, Pete is also a human being, so OF COURSE he is going to have faults. Everyone has regrets for things they did/thought/believed. It’s a universal human experience. People don’t just…magically lose their humanity when they become famous.

I was a counselor for many years, and I wonder how my client’s would’ve progressed if I told them, “Well, you sure have fucked up. And it doesn’t matter what you do now because all that matters is what you’ve done in the past.” Like, who deserves that?

Obviously nuance is important here because, sure, there are some actions that are worth continuing to acknowledge. But Pete has not done anything that warrants that, and anyone who claims he has is basing that off of highly unreliable narrators, and/or cherry-picked sensationalist “reporting,” and/or applying current social norms onto the past, and/or slapping labels on things that do NOT apply, and/or racism, and/or lack of understanding/empathy toward mental illness.

Again, who deserves that?

Also worth mentioning - what a huge insult to Patrick to say that all of his success and art he has created was because Pete manipulated him. What an insult to Joe and Andy to reduce them to just tagging along for the paycheck despite secretly hating Pete.

What a miserable experience to be a “fan” of a band you actively despise.

I don’t get any sense that Pete allows internet shit to get to him these days. I think it’s safe to say that we are seeing him genuinely happy and content, and that came with years of learning who to actually listen to. <3

[thebearer]

hii I though it would be cool if you show what the atmosphere would be like when reader and Teddy visit the bear for the first time since the fight? Maybe for their family dinner? Also I totally love ur work, super cool

relief lol. genuinely relief.

like they knew carmen was getting better. he’s still so fucking private but he ducks out early every tuesdays and thursdays in the middle of prep and they all pretend they don’t know where he’s going, but they know he’s going to his therapist.

still there’s this kinda tense vibe even after you’ve went back home. carmen seems better, and it’s not out of the ordinary that you haven’t shown up bc teddy is so little, but they’re still a little like “oh shit what if she left him?”

until you show up unannounced at family with baby teddy. she’s bigger now, it’s less of a risk and you’ve missed seeing them. probably after you and carm have settled back to normal (post smut lol let’s be real) and you come to see everyone.

tina actually sighs of relief. like she is so fucking happy bc she nearly killed carmen. wouldn’t talk to him for weeks, weeks, it was like worse than when he started. a worse cold shoulder bc she heard a sliver of what he did (not even the whole thing).

I do think they all see a change with him. that they don’t have to walk on eggshells around him. he’s not blowing up as more anymore. tried to talk calmly and not lose his shit when things get out of control. talks more instead of bottling things up. actually lets other people do things. and follows through. both at the restaurant and at home.

definitely is more appreciative in general. not so mean and doom and gloom. i feel like he got called out by someone (richie or jimmy i can’t decide), “I don’t know why you’re so fuckin’ miserable all the time. what more do you want? you got a wife, a healthy baby, a successful business, and a family that’s- yeah, it’s kinda fucked up- but they love you.”

and that really floored him bc that is genuinely all he ever wanted. it was stuff he never thought he’d have and now he does and he’s still sad and moody and mean all the time?

he’s so touchy at family dinner. everyone’s coping over teddy, and so you actually get to eat a meal without juggling. carmen’s not overly pda (let’s be realistic, it’s carmen) but he kisses you when he greets you (HUGE lol) and keeps his hand on your thigh. looks at you with the most lovestruck gaze while you giggle and talk with the others. just complete adoration. he always has but it’s different now.

[lucky-clover-gazette]

okay i have THOUGHTS about this line

he didn’t have to say that to make his plan work. i mean yeah, being nice to the player definitely earns their favor and future assistance, but he could have just as easily gone the route of gaslighting them into feeling bad and like they caused the problem, eliciting a more shame-based and desperate and less uplifting and righteous kind of reliance. like if volo really hated the player, and was truly cruel, that’s what he would have done. the player would have still gotten the chain and felt indebted to him for the plate hunt, but they also would be miserable and feel lonely and hurt and confused. but volo doesn’t do that, he grounds the player and validates their feelings, which were hurt by the cruel townspeople more than the event volo caused to prompt that cruelty. like truly, it’s only volo’s fault that the player gets banished through the most like simple calculated logic—yes, if he hadn’t caused the rift, they wouldn’t have been banished, or brought here at all. but kamado CHOSE to banish them based on his own paranoia and disdain for outsiders, and the others enabled it by choice. volo didn’t make that happen, just how he didn’t make or even want arceus to get the player involved in the first place.

i don’t think volo hates the player, personally, at all. or at least, i think that he hates them and cares for them just as much as he hates and cares for himself. i know this isn’t groundbreaking volo theorizing material, but he’s absolutely projecting his disdain for society based on his vague past experiences here. he dislikes the outsider because his plan demands it, but he dislikes everyone else because he personally thinks they’re terrible. it’s kinda neat how he “fake” compliments the player’s loyalty to him as a merchant so often, bc i think loyalty is something he actually takes very seriously. and he probably saw how loyal the player was to the galaxy team, and then the way they kicked them out, and was genuinely pissed and hurt on the player’s behalf.

the things he says at the end of the game are said in extreme distress and defeat, and while they are not NOT reflective of his character and motives, i’m shocked by how many pokemon fans regard volo like he’s a nihilistic and amoral sociopath. passion and compassion are behind nearly everything volo does, for better or for worse. they’re behind moments like this, and moments like his ranting at spear pillar. he is a person who constantly grapples to align his personal moral code and lofty ideals, which live in this weird space between the manmade and divine, with the flawed reality of existence. his entire mentality is full of contradictions, because he is a man who thinks he should be god, but in reality could never be a good god, because he is still very much a man. it’s the emotion, idealism, and intellectual curiosity of humanity that drive him, not the impartiality, absolutism, and complacency of an omnipotent all-knowing deity.

so like, with this line. he specifically mentions that the galaxy team has treated the player poorly. not that the galaxy team’s choice was illogical, not that the player just needs to try harder to get them to accept him. he is emphatically rejecting the premise that the player did anything to deserve blame, even though he has no intention to actually explain why this really happened or volunteer himself to take the blame. because ultimately, volo is not the person to blame for the galaxy team’s cruelty, and he knows it. and he also knows that it’s the cruelty that has hurt the player, more than the sky problem itself, because he has been treated like an outsider too. and he can’t DO anything about that. even if he told the truth, the damage has already been done. the player knows how their supposed allies would react in this situation, regardless of the logic or truth. and volo can’t fix that. he does not believe he can make people kinder or the world a better place, which is exactly why he wants so badly to remake it. for himself, bc clearly he’s been through some shit too, for people like the outsider, and for anyone else whose loyalty and dedication have been met with rejection and apathy. which is so deeply tragic and ironic, because by being the only person to care for the player in this moment, he is making the world a better place for them.

volo is, at his core, a hypocrite. he’s like if you put the ingredients for a hero into a blender, but accidentally used the “tragic hypocrite” setting so he came out a janky villain instead. to volo, concepts like loyalty and self-righteousness are driving forces, much moreso than simple black and white morality or consequentialism. this makes him a hypocrite because he believes a perfect world is possible as long as his moral code is strictly followed, and his evil plan is to prove it. but in his efforts to do so, he proves over and over again that a perfect world isn’t possible, and certainly would not be possible under his control.

like, okay—if someone suggested that the means of pain and suffering in the world justified the ends (the world), volo would disagree and claim that arceus is responsible for the pain and suffering, and therefore does not deserve the power to create/rule worlds. but then, following that very same logic, if volo needed to get a random person banished and betrayed in order to create his better world, then those means wouldn’t justify his ends either. which is WHY we see him subconsciously draw a line here, between the things he’s not responsible for (other people being cruel, arceus transporting the player) and the things he is directly responsible for (the way he treats the player in these circumstances, either with derision or support). and wouldn’t you know, in this instance where it truly is up to him what the means are to his ends, he chooses kindness where he could have been cruel. because while arceus sending the hero and the town banishing them weren’t really Volo’s means to Volo’s ends, this conversation sure as hell could be. And he doesn’t want his better world built on a foundation of suffering and pain.

by saying this one line and treating the player as he does here, i think volo accidentally exposes something deeply true and good about himself. this man could say “i’m a villain and i don’t care about the player” and fully believe it, but at the same time demonstrably possess the morals and compassion of a hero, which he uses to actively care for the player. he is a delusional hypocrite, but he’s definitely not heartless. and i just think that’s neat.

alternatively, volo is completely heartless, knows that people are endeared to people who want to protect them, and methodically uses that knowledge here for his convenience. that very well could have been the intention, and it makes sense too—but i personally enjoy entertaining the notion of depth where i see potential for it. so yeah.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

WIBTA for calling out my friend's spending habits?

✈💸 to find later

I (NB 20s) have been struggling to find employment for a long time. I've been struggling a lot with money- I'm technically indebted to my bank due to an overdraft I dipped into during my last weeks of university while paying off surprise fees, and in the entire year since have been unsuccessful in paying it off for any meaningful length of time. The stress has been immense and I've been avoiding like the plague any kind of personal purchase or leisure activity that might cost me anything. It's a mindset that's been making me profoundly miserable and that I'll probably struggle to get out of for a long time.

However, in the past few weeks, I've managed to land what I can only describe as my dream job. It doesn't start for another couple months, and the pay won't be fantastic (it's an internship), but without a doubt it will change my life. Desperate to do something nice and give myself a break, members of my family agreed to lend me money via plane tickets to do a nice trip this summer and see my best friends abroad, my last big hurrah before entering the full-time workforce for the rest of my life (and being able to pay them back). And I've been really excited! I've been saving even harder than usual, scraping up cash and politely asking grandparents. It won't be easy to support myself in another country in my financial situation, I understand that, but I'm at a point where I think I can do it for a short time and not be a burden on the people who are hosting me.

However, the only issue comes with my friend (NB 20s). I've known them for years, we're extremely close, and we've been waiting for a chance to see each other again for most of that time not knowing if it would ever happen due to my financial situation, so this is the opportunity of a lifetime. They really want to host me, for at least 2 weeks, and do all these nice things together we've been planning. But in the past month or so they've all but drained hundreds of dollars from their bank account in art commissions and room decorations for themself, all of which they've been excitedly showing off to me and our other friends, all the while running out of money entirely. They can't pick up work from their (seasonal) job anymore, either, so there's no way for them to earn back the money now, and recently they've started having to push their commissions just to cover their student loan payment this month. In ordinary circumstances I wouldn't mind and would try and help them out, but I won't be in any financial position on the trip to cover their bills as well as my own (at least not regularly), and I feel like this would have been so preventable if they'd just... picked less wildly expensive things to buy as a treat, knowing the circumstances.

They've said they're also stressed and need to buy themselves nice things sometimes, which I totally agree with! I'm not that much of a party pooper, they are in a rough situation themself right now and the stuff they bought does make them genuinely happy. But it also sucks to watch them then have to struggle to pay for bills and necessities because of it, and I feel really selfish for thinking of it in the framework of our time together later as well. I've done my absolute best to be able to spend at least a few weeks having a great time with them not worrying and pinching pennies while taking care of myself, but now I'm worried we're just going to spend the trip with both of us stressed out of our minds and stuck at home struggling to pay for gas. I'm an anxious person, and the few times I've tried to bring up my worries in a more gentle way, they've vehemently reassured me everything will be fine, but now I'm leaving in just over a week and everything seems like it's getting worse instead of improving.

I know I should be just glad to spend time in their company, even if it is just at home, but I can't stop feeling like the way they've been spending money in the leadup to this has been really irresponsible and preventable. But even if so, it made them happy in the moment so i should be happy for them too, and surely it's just straight up none of my business? It's also not like they can take it back now- it's already happened, and they can't earn the money back if they wanted to. I feel like if i called them on it at this point it'd just be a dick move and come across pointless and jealous, but I also can't help but think it's unproductive to let this gnaw at me the entire time, like I should really be communicating this kind of upset and talk it out first in case it comes to a head and boils over and ruins our whole time together.

I'm aware I'll be long into the trip by the time this posts but it'd be nice to look back and see other perspectives.

[let-us-cultivate-our-garden]

Do you think Boscha should have been explored more or given a proper characterization instead of just pushing her aside or using her as a convenient threat? I don't think TOH acknowledged her or her feelings very much. And it spreads to the fandom too - I've met some truly awful fans who wanted her to die or be expelled or lose all her friends and family. Or all three. I do not think either the show or fans gave her fair treatment. She has kind of a low-key Belos treatment - hints are shown and it's clear to people deep enough in fandom that she's more than a flat bully, but the show chooses to keep her as a flat bully and not treat her as a person who may be traumatized from Amity suddenly snubbing her out of the blue and telling her to grow up and then everything that happened in the Collector's apocalypse. She's my favourite character, and I think part of it may be because I like the idea of her escaping everything and having a future she likes somewhere else. Preferably still in contact with Amelia and Cat and not with them refusing to speak to her ever again like so many seem to want. Has the literal child not suffered enough already, especially with them being turned to puppets?? She is going to have PTSD from everything, and that is a fact. She deserves to learn and grow and not be a punching bag for fans and characters in fan works to snub and beat up because the show did not do its job fleshing her out. And after Belos was stomped on, part of me can't help but wonder if Dana would endorse Willow beating up Boscha and her losing her friends and future too.

Justice for Boscha. She deserves more than this show.

Sorry to say, anon, but I barely remember anything about Boscha. While I sympathize with wanting to see your favorite character treated with more "respect" and as a deep character, sometimes, characters just fulfill a basic narrative role and that's it. And that's okay.

Since I can't adequately answer this ask, I've decided to outsource it. The following response is from @mdhwrites a certified Boscha fan: "NO.

I fucking love Boscha but absolutely not.

Honestly, if anyone wanted to have this, it should have been Amity. Commit to her being a bully. However, Boscha is a bit character who's narrative purpose is to make the audience further want her to abandon the entirety of her whole life for Luz. To make it so that it seems like literally everything to do with who she was before Luz was pure evil. As such... She honestly should have been LESS nuanced.

Kind of like Odalia, if you ask genuinely how terrible Boscha is, the answer is not really, including in relation to Amity. She follows Amity faithfully. Amity is the only person she doesn't mock, criticize or be cruel to. She doesn't target specific people for her bully tendencies, instead just being oppurtunistic of being fun. She never decided one person had to be eternally miserable like Amity did with Willow. Yes, there's Winging it Like Witches but that episode only functions if Boscha ALREADY DIDN'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT WILLOW. She TURNED into focusing on Willow and by all signs would have stopped the intensity once Willow was no longer taking her spotlight. Yes, she's not the best person in the world but most people in Hexside, from what we can tell of her status as an outcast, would have said the same thing Boscha did about Willow: She's a failure and associating with her is social suicide.

I mean... I literally made a 300k story where Boscha became the main character because of the conflicts in the narrative intention and execution when it came to her character. I then added her as a major character to one of the longest things I have ever written, Little Miss Rich Witch kind of because they're right. Boscha has a lot of interesting elements going on with her that I can't tell if they were intended or not. They seem intended with S3 but even S3 makes her look terrible and is painful to watch as everyone discards her. The poster is just right that Boscha went through WAY fucking worse than Luz quite literally ever did. What Luz feared would happen to her if she told the truth, Boscha had happen to her following all the social rules that her best friend taught her or reinforced. What the fuck?

But again... Would that have made a better show? No. Boscha didn't actually have a place in this show besides as a punching bag. As someone to shirk blame off of from Amity, much like Odalia and hey, do you recognize that both of those characters are treated like they are somehow worse than Belos? Almost like Amity had a lot of fans projecting onto her which says TERRIBLE things about those people's unwillingness to recognize Amity's own monstrousness and willingness to just blame others? Amity is one of the most awkward elements of the show, given so much time and clear narrative direction with fucking awful execution that characters like Boscha suffer around her.

Boscha also suffers from TOH's "I'm not like other kid's shows" problem because other kid's shows would have written her more evil. Would have gone more over the top. They kept her grounded though because that's the more realistic and nuanced and 'mature' take. It's also just the worse one for your narrative."

[women-of-malevolent]

I genuinely don’t mean this from a place of malice, and do think the podcast both has a history of handling its women characters poorly and would like if it were better in that aspect. But I don’t understand the specific criticism of the work having a running theme of “male characters uncritically sacrificing their daughters.” (Key word uncritically.)

The titular Bella episode directly forces Arthur to confront the idea that him and Larson are similar, that the callousness they showed to their loved ones is intentionally paralleled. I don’t think it’s something the story is unaware of, and I’d hesitate to argue that Arthur (or Daniel, later) is presented as being in the definitive right. (In this regard.)

I don’t think you have to love the prevalence of the concept in the narrative, but I do think some of your critique feels like you’re taking the worst interpretation you could from the story and arguing that because the characters themselves don’t actively stop the plot to condemn it (and honestly, they do sometimes) it means the actions are presented as wholly value neutral. Some of your analysis feels like you’re starting from a conclusion and working your way back.

I want to reiterate: I really enjoy most of your critiques, and it’s refreshing to have someone in the fandom both document female presence in the podcast and speak candidly about its flaws. I’d honestly love to know if/why you disagree, either with regards to intentionality or necessity of inclusion.

Hello! Thanks for writing in!

I'm not sure which post you're referencing where I said the daughter-sacrifice theme was uncritically portrayed? Because I don't think it is. The story portrays daughter-sacrifice as varying shades of terrible, graded according to intent. These less-than-ideal men keep hurting the women they should have protected.

My problem with the daughter-sacrifice theme is the same as my problem the rest of the show: it's exclusively about men. Daughters aren't people, they're glass sculptures for men to carry for 18 years, and what those men do with that piece of glass in that time tells you about the character of that man.

Who are Addison, Faroe, Emily, Samantha, Murdered Daughter Of A Senator, fuck even Sarah, if you take away the men who hurt them? Looking at just the text of Malevolent, none of the liveplay games lore or headcanons etc, there's little to nothing to these girls.

You're not invited to spend time inhabiting any woman's life like you are with Arthur (or John, to a significantly lesser extent). You can, and I do, but it feels like reading against the text because their lives are boring, horrible, difficult to parse, and they usually end in childbirth or femicide. It's fucking miserable!

The men are trapped in the same bleak, violent story, and a lot of them die graphically and onscreen, but most of them also get some combo of moments of triumph, personalities, voices, independence, quirks that narratively make that violence go down smoother. (Also smoother because there are so many fun and fascinating male characters)

Also, honestly, I don't enjoy how the theme is explored. It feels shallow and lame to me. I personally, as a listener, don't feel like this specific story has ~earned~ (in my personal, idiosyncratic, things-I-like-in-fiction, subjective assessment) exploring the horror of femicide when 1) there are zero normal, living female characters (Marie is very close, but no cigar); 2) all it seems to really say is basically… murder is bad (sometimes) (usually?) (sometimes, at least), and it's extra bad when men kill their dependent women?

Standard disclaimer that it ain't over 'til it's over, what we got is not great so far but it ain't over

Thank you again and I'd be so happy to continue this conversation if you want!

[just-a-carrot]

Carrot, please don't feel bad about your age! You're not that old, honestly, I never understood why people think that anything after 20s is immediately "old". Like you still have so much life ahead of you! Most people in their 20s are still barely figuring life out, tbh I feel like 30s is the age when most people just start becoming maturing (and then again, almost everyone at every age is still figuring something out, we never stop growing after all). And even if you are "old" there's nothing wrong with that! It's not like you're supposed to stop enjoying life once you hit a certain age. I know this probably means nothing coming from a minor, but I genuinely don't understand the obsession with age! Your life isn't over until it's over, yet some people act like hitting a certain age means you have to be miserable.

Also, I don't know if I ever told you this, but this is one of the reasons I love Our Wonderland, and why it had such an impact on me. I used to be very scared of growing up, feeling like I was on a time limit and that the older I got, the less fun I would be allowed to have. But seeing these fully adult characters who are struggling, and still figuring things out, and most of all having time to themselves and their interests: it really opened my eyes! I thought by that age I should have everything figured out, like how I thought most people did, but OW made me realize that's not the case. The truth is everyone is still figuring things out, and that's okay! At the end of the day, we're still human, and we all need time to ourselves.

So thank you, Carrot! You helped me conquer a fear of mine, and I'm really grateful to you for that. Your work has honestly inspired me so much in so many different ways, and I want you to know that! Anyways, I hope you have a good day. Bye!

that's incredibly kind of you... 🥺💕

honestly a big reason why I wanted to make the OW chars older is because of that exact reason: because I didn't figure out so much about myself until I got older, and to have a story about that, that it's ok to keep discovering more about yourself later on in life, and also it can be really hard at times too. like... going through so much of your life wondering why things are so difficult and why you never feel right because you had to figure everything out for yourself. like I didn't figure out I was ace until a horrifically traumatizing and confusing event in my life that I vented about once in an anon fandom forum and another anon told me it sounded like I was ace and I didn't even know the term and then spent the next weeks in existential crisis as I came to understand myself better. If I had known I was ace before that event, it might never have happened (or might still have, who knows) or at the very least I would have grown up not feeling so broken for much of my life. And that's not getting into the gender stuff that came even later that I was bullied for as a kid. It's hard when you have zero knowledge or role models or safe places to go about these types of things growing up... The internet was not like it is now when I was growing up. And there wasn't a single person out in my school growing up (but I know of many that came out years later including one of my best friends). But that doesn't mean you can't figure yourself out later and reclaim some of that joy for yourself of knowing better who you are

this became really rambly but I just wanted to say that I'm glad that everyone can enjoy these chars and their stories despite them being older. And I hope they (and even myself a bit) can be inspiration that indeed, life, fun, your passions and hobbies, none of that ends when you finish school or when you turn 30. keep on doing what you love always and keep on learning and discovering more about yourself!!

[artbyblastweave]

So on balance I generally do enjoy Mark Millar, and a big part of why I enjoy Mark Millar is that a lot of his superhero stuff demonstrates the same awareness about the genre that Worm does- the sense of an unstable equilibrium, that the center cannot hold in the superhero universe as typically presented. Jupiter's Legacy, Super Crooks, Old Man Logan, Wanted, The Ultimates. Arguably Civil War. I have a whole other post buried in my drafts about how that bleak throughline keeps cropping up in his cape work. Specifically in his cape work, also- the man has written a lot of lighthearted, at times almost cloyingly sincere and optimistic one-off miniseries in other genres. Starlight: The Return Of Duke McQueen, Huck, Chrononauts, Beyond. In tension with this cynicism about the capes is the fact that he also clearly believes that superheroes are really cool, and on some fundamental level a really deeply noble and empowering idea. Even Wanted, which is probably the most thoroughly tasteless thing of his that I've read all the way through, I recall as having had this interesting subtext of anger over the fact that there's an audience for a superhero work as cynical and grotesque as Wanted. ("Fine. We took all the whimsy and wonder and derring-do you claim to have outgrown out back and shot it. The corpse is cooling. Are you happy yet? Dark enough yet? Mature enough yet? This is what you wanted right?") Anyway, I think Kick-Ass the comic suffers gigantically from a failure to break in one direction or another, in regard to that tension. It gets very, very close to saying useful and interesting things about the genre at several points but keeps undercutting itself by transforming back into the object of its own attack. There's this initial line of questioning, right, which is, "what kind of person, in real life, might actually try this? How would it go?" And the comic has some compellingly miserable answers to that question! Everyone in costume is chasing the same power fantasy, clinging to the idea of being somebody. Dave is, in his own words, motivated by "the right combination of loneliness and despair," and he's not competent. He alternates between minor wins and brutal hospitalizations, the first two issues and change is just the world punishing him for being dumb enough to try this, and for the most part he's a LARPer, a self-identified asshole. Red Mist is a rich kid playing with his father's money. Big Daddy and Hit-girl are framed as the "real deal", genuinely competent in their ability to dish out violence, and the comic to some extent has the self-awareness to recognize that people who were actually any good at this would be even more horrifying than the LARPers. The Reveal that Big Daddy was an accountant- that he made up a tragic backstory and made his daughter a human weapon in order to pursue an escapist fantasy- genuinely lands like a meteor! But it fucks it up, because it also needs to be cool, cool enough to keep our attention, and so it pulls an about face. The horror of Hit-girl gets subsumed by the realization that she's also the coolest thing in the whole book, almost loadbearing in terms of having actually cool and interesting things happen on-panel, and so the end of the book turns into the exact kind of superviolent revenge story it was initially skewering as unrealistic and disconnected from the much more grounded grief and loss Dave is experiencing at the start of the book. Dave's costumed escapades goes from being an obviously stupid and egotistical attempt to claw back control of his life to... an actual method by which he claws back control of his life, and not in a way that feels terribly well-earned!

The sequels double down on this- alternating between "in real life this would be cheap and stupid and tinged with anticlimax" and "woooo! Let's ape Tarantino until something cool happens!" and honestly, that feels less worthy of analysis because what I'm pretty sure happened there is that the movie blew up and created A Demand For More Kick-Ass. In general what it feels like fundamentally happened here is that you ask, "what if superheroes were real," you land on the answer of "they'd look stupid, be stupid and die badly," but what does that leave you with? It's not like that wasn't the obvious answer already and it's definitely not eight issues of material. He can't pull the trigger on having everyone involved die badly in meanspirited ways to drive the point home, and he never quite threads the needle back to the reconstructive middle ground he badly wants the book to inhabit, the "real heroes work in soup kitchens and look out for their neighbors" area. Things just happen.

That said, the gag about the astroturfed swear-word "Tunk" is fantastic. 10/10, no notes

[cryptidfuckery]

Hey so you don’t have to reply to this but I’ve been having a career crisis lately and considering other vocational paths. One of these careers just so happens to be hair. I was wondering if you could tell me what made you want to become a hairdresser?

Ohhh this might get long but

First things first my mom is a hairdresser. Me becoming one wasn't a case of "I'm going to take over my mom's business" because she's been a sole proprietor booth renter for probably over 30 years now. She doesn't run a salon with other people under her, it's just her and her clients. If I worked under her I would have just been taking money our of her pocket.

But my mom being a hairdresser definitely influenced me! Getting to watch her work and own her own business my whole life helped me understand exactly what to expect out of the industry, and what I would have to do to be successful.

But me actually deciding to become a hairdresser started with me being absolutely miserable in my third semester of college. I loved studying sociology, but school and I don't mix well. I also realized that while I loved what I was studying, I didn't have any real interest in the professions usually associated with what I was majoring in. (Didn't want to do any kind of counseling, hate math so no stats work, research was the most enticing but too close to how school works and I Know would have been Miserable ultimately)

So one day being absolutely miserable and stressed around finals I sat myself down and forced myself to think about what the next 5-10 years would look like. I realized that if I stayed in college it would be to finish, find a job in my degree, then eventually when I have the time and money again I'd go to cosmetology school. (At the time I thought I was going to be a makeup artist. Holy shit fuck that noise. Not for me.)

And it just kind of clicked for me. Why am I spending all this money on a degree i (while I loved) did not really want? Especially when I could finish cosmetology school in under a year with less money than 2 semesters of college would be? Especially since you can start making money directly out of cosmetology school and continuously build after that as you gain more clients.

My final advice is this. There is a hairdresser for everyone and there are clients for every hairdresser. Genuinely the best thing you can do is be yourself and the right people will find you. And then they'll give your their friends, who like you too because you're their kind of people. And you get to choose absolutely what the fuck ever you want to specialize in. You can do exclusively color. Exclusively cuts. You can choose what style of cutting and coloring you want to learn from and you can completely switch that in the middle of your career. You can exclusively do texture treatments (perms, keratins, etc) if you're okay with so many chemicals in your body and bad smells! You can specialize in rat haircuts, which I honestly might try to do. (I have not done one yet. Someone let me do a rat haircut on them. Please. Rat haircut.) You can do everything! Also don't forget barbering!! Whole different school with different subsets and specializations, but many many cosmetologists cross over into both as well! I plan on eventually also acquiring a barbering license so I can truly be a one stop trans chop shop (mainly so I can offer my trans girlies clean shaves between electrolysis/Lazer appointments (iirc one can and cannot. I cannot be fucked to check rn)

So. Yeah. I think trades are absolutely the way to go right now in this economy. We provide services that everybody wants or needs, from hair to plumbing to carpentry to welding to auto mechanics to nail techs. There will always be a broken toilet, an oil change, a haircut needed.

Watch out for pandemics though. Woof.

[plusvanity]

what is your take on Pelle's mental health?

He never received any diagnostic, so needless to say, my opinion is strictly based on my personal observations on his letters, interviews, and general facts.

I think that he was suffering from Major Depression with Psychotic Features.

His depression may be rooted in childhood (according to the possible reference he made in his s*****e note) and it would make sense because any form of depression started at a young age (untreated) turns chronic in time. It not only worsens, but it can definitively change the chemical composition of your brain and major depression is a life-long condition.

Now, his psychotic features can be evident from his claims that he felt 'physically dead', that his blood was 'frozen' in his veins, that he didn't feel 'human', that there was a fundamental discrepancy between him and the people around him. Major depression can (and in some cases will) lead to psychosis. Forms can be mild to severe.

What in the 19th century was called 'Cotard Syndrome', which doesn't take part in any diagnosis nowadays. What doctors will call this condition is psychosis. To explain this briefly, any behaviour that suggests that a person had lost their touch with reality is psychosis, so it's fair to assume that Pelle most probably dealt with that. It can be due to his prolonged, untreated depression or a head injury, or a genetic factor (I don't necessarily believe it's genetics, but you never know), what is certain is that he vehemently believed that he was a 'living-corpse'. Feeling like a 'living-corpse' for a short while is fairly common in people who suffered Near Death Experiences actually, but of course, in his case, things were different.

I do believe that he felt like he claimed and this alienated him from everybody else, but I won't use the terminology of 'Cotard Syndrome' because it doesn't exist in the DSM under this name, not because it doesn't exist as a condition.

His body dysmorphia seems more related to his psychosis. I don't believe that he starved himself soly because of depression and self-hatred (although it came as a co-morbid factor in every aspect of his mental illness), I genuinely think that his delusion was the most predominant factor in his mental degradation (because that's how delusions are compared to 'sedentary' mental illnesses) but I can be wrong.. he could've had a neurosis, but I doubt it because neurosis is less severe. Anyway, nobody can tell anything for sure as nobody examined him or scanned his brain or anything.

But, feeling like a corpse is just as valid as feeling like a god or an inanimated object. You see, perceptual hallucinations manifest in the same way, no matter what extraordinary 'thing' you feel like. I'm horrible at explaining things or, rather, summing up my analysis on him, I hope you follow.

I think that there is a possibility that he suffered a brain injury (concomitant with that spleen rupture) that irreversibly affected his reality perception and it intertwined with his preexisting depression, making his life completely miserable.

This is my opinion, not the truth. Anyone can think anything. I think he was severely depressed, but there was something 'extra' that put him in another category. And that something 'extra' might have come from that horrific incident that sent him to the hospital.

I've done consistent research, read a lot of books, and made psychological portraits on Pelle, Øystein and Varg, so it's fun to reply to these types of questions. I won't post my work here because I have no reason to, but I will share some crumbs here and there.

[beesmygod]

If you want a genuine critique, I think your grasp on anatomy is still wonky and part of the reason may be because you kind of go out of your way to avoid panels with full body shots. Your most recent pages are genuinely creative and have a fun composition, but it’s kinda hard not to notice that a lot of them framed around just seeing the upper torso of a character. Its kinda like how artists would just cover up feet with mysterious smoke or debris to avoid drawing them

this response is so long but only bc i agree with this a lot. human anatomy has always been a huge struggle. don't worry, i have eyes and can see how bad it is most of the time. i have one thing to say in my defense: sometimes i have really scenes in my head i would like to execute, but my artistic skill levels are not there. which means i have to make a decision on how to re-frame or execute the panel before my deadline hits. this sometimes means taking the shortest path from a-b if i've already wasted too much time trying to make this work. i've been trying to record these failed attempts more on patreon just bc. idk they're confessional and might be helpful for people to see how much behind the scenes hemming and hawwing there is before the page finally gets made.

last year this problem was especially bad too; when i was really sick i was drawing soooooooooo many "talking heads" pages (this is what i've always thought of them as lol) because they were easier to do (obviously) and it was so bad and i knew it lol. it was making me miserable to the sole responsible party for churning out really really bad low-energy/effort pages and, at the time, not really having an excuse for it.

i tend to direct my art improvement energy on one specific thing at a time, for a while it was making a point to incorporate more backgrounds or foregrounds into pages, then for a while it was getting WAY less shitty at speech bubbles/paneling (still struggling with panels tbh). maybe now that im feeling better i can try to focus harder on anatomy. ty for giving me a direction to head in!!

[isfjmel-phleg]

Not exactly a Psmith centric question but compare and contrast the friendship of Psmith and Mike with that of Ukridge and Corky and/or Garnet would be interesting since they feel like they should be more similar than they are (eccentric gets his friend mixed up in hijinks)

Okay, it's been a while since I've read any Ukridge stories. The last time was in the Nightmare Class, and That Man concentrated on emphasizing Ukridge as "clear-sighted," i.e. always right in his assessment and subsequent treatment of other people (like apparently regarding a young woman as, and I quote from a class handout, "first causes, a sex object"). Totally coincidentally, Ukridge was also a character that That Man personally identified with. Just so you understand--I come to this with some baggage.

Ukridge is a comedic character. He was never intended to be read as a Role Model or as someone who is Embued with Special Wisdom. His job is to show up and create havoc and ultimately fail and never, never learn anything from his mistakes. That's why he's funny. @allieinarden, if I recall correctly, once compared him to Kramer from Seinfeld.

Anyway, the reason that we view Mike and Psmith's friendship very differently from that of Ukridge and whichever of his hapless friends is narrating at the time is that these relationships play very different roles and have different outcomes.

Psmith and Ukridge do both drag their friends along into their sh(o)enanigans. They are both colorful characters, outgoing and loquacious and charismatic, with distinctive styles of dress and speech. They're both manipulators. But they're not working from the same motivations. Ukridge is perpetually hard up for money, and most of the time he's pursing some get-rich-quick scheme, directly or indirectly. Psmith is only mercenary if he's broke (which isn't often except in the last book), and more often he's securing his own comfort, chasing a whim, seeking some kind of petty revenge, or acting on behalf of a friend.

And that's the big difference. Psmith can be and very often is motivated by a genuine regard for his friends, usually Mike. Although he does sometimes put Mike through uncomfortable situations (friendship does not totally prevent Psmith from being a jerk at times), time and time again he goes out of his way to help Mike too. He confesses (falsely) to a prank Mike has been accused of to save Mike from getting expelled. He basically pays for Mike's entire existence when they're at the bank and later Cambridge. He gets involved in the intended theft of a diamond necklace in the last book because the profits will go toward helping Mike and Phyllis. Psmith is totally unhinged in a lot of ways, but he is absolutely ride-or-die for a friend.

Ukridge does not have this kind of relationship with either Corky or Garnet. His friends are useful to assist him in his schemes or lend him money and other items, but I can't recall any instances in which Ukridge goes out of his way to do his friends good, or sacrifices anything for them, or in any way indicates that he values them for their own sake. He's not really malicious, but he is utterly self-absorbed and seems to think that people exist for him to use. That's where a lot of humor of his character comes from. His friends in turn seem to regard him as not someone who they genuinely care about and connect with but an inconvenient force of nature that will inevitably rope them into something they don't really want to do and cause them a lot of stress. Neither party in these relationships seems to truly value the other, so there isn't really friendship there in any meaningful sense. And that's where the humor comes from.

The Ukridge series is like "what if there was this weird guy and he showed up to make your life comedically miserable?"

The Psmith series is like "what if there was this weird guy and he showed up to make your life less miserable, albeit with misadventure along the way?"

[orphiclovers]

Hope you don't mind elaborating on the other turns' YJH's relationship with SP and 3rd/1864th turn YJH? I genuinely enjoyed the other posts and wouldn't mind seeing more. ❤️

anon I will NEVER mind elaborating & I thank you for enabling my madness. I love talking about them sm <3

I guess I'll start off with 41&SP since I've been thinking about them and you didn't specify which one I should talk about. and. there's literally 1864 (?) different Yoo Joonghyuks. that's 1,736,316 combinations of pairings I could talk about. I'm never running out of content as long as I'm alive (well I'm not crazy enough to have headcanons for all of their relationships. yet. link to my YJH relationship chart).

this post has PARTS thats how long it got. under read more it goes

41's personality

oh 41, you miserable, miserable man. during the 41st regression, Yoo Joonghyuk had decided to harden his heart into cold, brutal practicality. he would use any means necessary to achieve his purpose, even if he had to sacrifice his companions. (he never called them that during this round, so it would hurt less when they died (didn't work)). he tried very hard to make himself an emotionless machine (see: him carelessly saying he doesn't give a shit, beyond losing tools he could use, when lee hyungsung and lee jihye die).

We get most of this characterization from the Disaster of Floods, 41st Shin Yoosung, who had a deeply messed up relationship with him that's its own post. she was the only one by his side till the very end and had to witness his cruelty, which traumatized her. and then he sent her to the past, abondened her in the labyrinth of the worlds- his ultimate unforgivable act. (quote 'The things done by the 41st round Yoo Joonghyuk were worse than murder.')

but as much as he tried, he couldn't become that heartless monster he showed to the world. (see: him promising Shin Yoosung they would go on a trip together after the scenarios were over. even at his worst, he couldn't help but try to comfort her.)

SP's thoughts on 41

41 and SP spend multiple scenes hanging out one-on-one so we have a lot to go off regarding their relationship. 41 is Secretive Plotter's second-in-command, the one who is closest to him and who spends the most time with him. For SP, this is because he finds 41 the most quote 'similar to himself' (in their ends justify the means, no matter how cruel approach) and thinks he's most likely to understand SP's actions. also since 41 is similar to him, and SP is the peak strongest smartest YJH, 41's opinion is automatically also worth more, right? girlmath (sp is arrogant).

SP relies on 41 as a trusted advisor and subordinate, let's him in on plans and asks for his opinion/advice sometimes, even if he doesn't necessarily take it. gives him commands and resposibilities and expects them to be done competently. even let's him see his vulnerable moments (do we remember the scene where SP woke up from a nightmare and 41 was there. that was to me what lemon candy moment is to doksoo fans).

SP cares for and is fond of and feels mildly possesive/protective over 41, but only the same amount as all the other regressions, nothing special about 41 in particular. SP think's every version of YJH belongs to him (see: n'gai forest's whole existence. see: 'return to me, [999]' see: 'return to me, the place you're supposed to be is here!' talking to 1863. see: 'That guy from the 1863rd should've been a part of me originally. Just like all of you.'). but he takes it for granted when that is true, because we only pine after what we don't have. like 3rd. (and 999.)

41's thoughts on SP

it's clear to me that 41 idolizes SP very much (in a 'he's me if I succeeded' way). when SP calls them similar and 41 says 'what an honor that is' he's not being sarcastic. he sees it as an honor that SP trusts him and thinks it would be better if he only trusted him, and not unreliable people like 999 (quote: [41] spoke with a voice containing a faint trace of rage. "It was a mistake to send him. Send me, instead. [999] is too soft.") and kdj (quote: "It's all because of that fool, Kim Dokja.") (this is partly jealousy. 'SP doesnt need anyone else when he has me' type of vibe.)

he takes his role as advisor very seriously. sees it as his job to point out the things SP doesn't catch or notice, question him, etc. sometimes feels frustrated when SP refuses to see reason (especially regarding 999)

still he is too loyal to ever disobey and the final decisions are always Plotter's. 41 is only subservient to him. ('lowered his head slowly' in acquiescence and submission. 'if thats what you want' im insane)

41 is very protective of SP. sees himself as a loyal knight, the only one capable of protecting his king. (probably literally calls SP 'my king' in his head...) very quick to jump to SP's defence at any point, absolutely hates people who disrespect him or betray him or dare to speak to him... sometimes goes too far and SP has to reprimand him/ make him back off.

this is after kdj provokes SP. see how 41 immedietly jumps to defend him? and how SP calls 41 off with a single word, literally like a guard dog? SP dismisses his concerns regarding 999 in a similar way.

41 also, and I cannot stress this enough, constantly looks at SP with yearning goey eyes. half the scenes hes in he's just...staring. with love. at SP.

41 too, is cringe and in love with someone who doesn't pay him any special attention. this is a yoo joonghyuk's natural state

[hanbindans]

zerobaseone as IB students (headcanons)

some fun headcanons for my fellow students. please take these with a grain of salt, obviously I don't know them personally and these are just meant to be fun :) word count: 1.1 k (ca 140 for each) a/n: this is for a very niche target audience but it makes sense in MY head. also I have exams in less than 2 weeks so this is kind of representative of where my mind is at rn. and PSA if you're also an IB student please don't actually skip TOK <3

jiwoong

what's that?? "he's a 24 year old man, it's been years since he completed high school??" sorry I can't hear you too well I'll just go ahead and write this headcanon anyway <3

he's such a drama kid and he would take it even in IB, so theatre and korean lit would be his HLs

I feel like he would take bio and psych sl purely out of curiosity and then immediately regret it when he realizes how much content there is (but would be really good at psych)

aa sl!!! no particular reason tbh I just think he's kind of smart

doesn't understand tok. like...... at ALL. is saved by the fact that his psychology EE is pretty good because he pretty much flunks tok miserably

CAS defender because "guys it builds character I think it's great that we all do volunteer work :))" bless his heart

hanbin

7 subjects :)

is good at tok probably

genuinely puts SO much time and effort into his cas and regrets it in the end but it looks cool on his resumé

psychology and korean lit HL, probably takes VA too but maybe as sl. he gives such lit vibes I feel like he would totally be a literature kid

chinese ab!!!! and maybe ESS because he can and doesn't like science <3

AI SL just because he's so social science but he gets 6s and 7s because it's too easy for him <3

basically he's all the social science subjects but because they're FUN not because they're easy :)

shares notes and study resources in the class group chat because he's cool like that

zhang hao

science kid

HL math AA, geography, and maybe chem or bio. maybe takes physics SL too.

definitely chinese lang/lit and korean ab (he could definitely do korean B but he can't be bothered)

you won't catch him anywhere without a comically large energy drink

completely numbed on the inside but also puts more effort in than everyone else and gets straight 7's

skips tok though because he can't be asked

does his EE on a very niche obsession of his and it gets a really good grade but he puts way too much effort into it

everyone wants to learn his ways but he doesn't do study groups because he gets too annoyed lmao. WILL tell juniors chatting in the library to stfu

he will complain about anything and everything any chance he gets but also catch him getting that 45 at the end of the day.

taerae

also science kid but a lot less intense

HL bio, chem, music, SL AA, korean lang/lit and japanese ab

he would complain SO MUCH about group 2 btw he's one of those science kids who really doesn't want to do 2 languages lol

really only cares about music to be honest but does the sciencey subjects because he thinks they're cool and gets pretty good grades

the type to do a hyper specific science IA and spend way too much time on it just for shits and giggles because he likes pouring things into beakers and swirling them

unintentionally does the most for his CAS, like "oh a service??? yeah I've been tutoring guitar for like 6 months does that count" and genuinely fails to see how other people struggle with it

also excells at tok, like genuinely writes an amazing philosophical TOK essay and gets full marks

ironically cares so little about IB but somehow does so well because he genuinely likes his subjects (and has an iq of like 150)

matthew

7 subjects :)

wants to do more languages than he's allowed because he's just built like that, he likes flexing his multilingualism

HL english lang/lit, french B, history. SL AA, bio, chem, psych

is annoyingly good at all his subjects like HOW are you doing all that and remembering everything?? secretly kind of a genius

does the mostest for his IAs for absolutely no reason other than he's just interested in his subjects and wants to do fun projects :)

also genuinely likes CAS for the same reason (play sports feed stray cats, what's not to like?)

super ambitious classmate who is somehow the only one still sane and always happy

encourages everyone before tests and exams like "come on guys we can do it!! :)"

ricky

this is more likely than you think like do you know how many rich international kids do IB??? in an alternate reality he's M23

visual art HL <33

probably business management HL too, but I could see him doing psych as well!! I think he'd enjoy the human relationships option

chinese lang/lit and english B because why do a bilingual diploma and struggle when you could just breeze through english B?????

AI and ESS sl because he cba, he just wants to pass fr.

to be honest he only really cares about visual art (does his EE in it and regrets it every day) and his social science a liiittle bit, other than that he's just doing exactly as much as he needs to pass

super chill classmate though like all IB kids need a Ricky in their class to humble our god complexes

gyubin

IB but because he's an exchange student :') like he didn't even know what IB was when he started it

cramming the night before tests because he can't be asked to dedicate his whole life to studying

actually the nicest classmate though

eng b HL and breezes through it

ESS and AI sl together with ricky (they sit in the back of the class and snack together <3)

also like business management/psychology or something equivalent but he's REALLY good at it and gets easy 7's?? like he will be that 1 kid who has that 1 subject that he's an absolute god at

cries every tok lesson but it's alright

favourite part is ironically CAS because he has an excuse to volunteer at dog shelters and play basketball with his friends :)

gunwook

peak IB child I bet he would take this programme for real

4 hls (economics, psychology, korean lang lit, chemistry)

I have no justification for these subjects btw I just spat out 4 that I think he would take. he definitely would do 4 HLs though because that's how he rolls

ALSO takes cas very seriously for absolutely no reason

also takes tok SUPER seriously- he will lead class discussions and get into heated debates about stupid shit like if newspeak would work in real life

AA sl and japanese ab because that's just his vibes

kind of overworked but is always helpful and shares notes with his classmates :)

does his EE in economics and ends up getting way too invested in it and becomes obsessed with economic development policies or something niche like that (nerd but affectionately <3)

very stressed and overworked but he WILL get those grades at the end of the day <33

[tea-and-secrets]

My friends (we all go to the same uni btw) started dating a little while ago and I’m happy for them, but it feels like I’ve become less important to them. I understand they have to keep their relationship a secret since they’re queer, so they have it do things under the guise of being “friends”. but I’m a bit tired of them leaving me out of shit that isn’t just exclusively romantic, it’s just that I could have been part of but they just don’t bother to check to see if I want/can. They live together/share most of their classes/work together so they can go off and do whatever but can I not just have a couple hours with you guys? I love you guys. I can’t be myself with anybody else.

There’s been so many instances of them straight up not including me in things because they didn’t “know my schedule” because admittedly it’s a little weird but I’ve sent it to them over and over again and explained it to them and they literally never ask me if they’re not sure. They just leave me out. Sure, they can be making genuine mistakes but they never bothered to actually go and prevent it from happening again. They claimed they’d do better this semester, at least.

I don’t expect to be with them 24/7. I don’t expect to be more important than their relationship but goddamn… Initially we were talking about getting an apartment together (while they were dating, mind you) and I really wanted to but I couldn’t at the moment due to life shit. It still seemed like they had intentions of having a third but now it’s obvious they don’t even want me to move in with them because they talk about me getting a SEPARATE apartment now as if that’s actually affordable.

I can’t even spend the night there because guests are part of their trauma and if I even spend the night there it’s scary and changed their routine. I understand that part to a degree, like one of them had a lot of bad instances with their family having horrid guests… but I’m their friend. I was going to live with you guys!!! I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA BE SAFE!! Why am I suddenly the same as a random fucker bumming their couch? They say if it’s an emergency or if I really really need them I can go there but?? Now it just makes me feel like I’m nothing more than an inconvenience unless it’s important enough to them.

It just fucking sucks because my life is getting really fucking miserable and I’m just wanting to be myself and get away from my sexual abuser for good once school is over and they can’t even handle the thought of me being there for a night. I now know I WOULD be a burden to them if anything happens and they can’t deny it.

The only times I get to truly interact with them is if I ask them for something or do something special with them which makes me feel like they’re going to start thinking I take advantage of them for entertainment or whatever. I have to hunt for them or ask where they are in the hopes of seeing them on campus. I just want to be included :(

They’re so kind when they’re aware of me but so, so clueless so it ends up making them do things like this. The lack of self awareness just end up making me feel worse and worse. It’s the worst knowing people who are just too unaware of how they’re slowly cutting you off or leaving you behind. “I don’t know how people just drift apart, it sounds sad” well. It’s really not that hard. You just stop caring or find something else that matters more to you. It’s really not intentional. But it sucks. I don’t even know how to tell them this or if my feelings are even right.

I don’t know how to end this but it’s really nuanced, more than I can express in this, I just don’t want to accidentally say too much and give myself away. I’m so tired. I’m trying to be a good friend but it’s getting more and more confusing as to what that entails.

.

[quillkiller]

jen i need to know whats happening with narcissa while lucius is having her affairs. does narcissa know? does she realise that lucius envies her? does she envy lucius? does she envy people who get lucius's attention? is she just so focused on draco she doesn't notice her husband? how does she feel about lucy's struggles with being a father? is she happy that draco will be closer to her, will love her more? is she aware of bellucius? is she aware of lucius's complicated relationship with womanhood, has she noticed that he keeps borrowing her lingerie? does she take all of that as a permission to have her own affairs? is she trying to rekindle her relationship with alice? does she have any other relationships, perhaps with other miserable pureblood wives? does she talk to bella about all of this? does she talk to anyone? is she just all alone in the malfoy manor with a newborn child? is she waiting for lucius to come back home? is she filled with relief every time he leaves for work? is she imagining what would've happen if she left like andromeda? does she visit her parents and her childhood home a lot? what's going on with her?

anon..will you take my hand in marriage.. 💍🤍

lets get into some of mine and karas thoughts on narcissa in the lurthur to bellucius timeline <3 !!!

(she/her pronouns for lucy even if she’s in the closet and narcissa only knows her as her husband)

narcissa does and doesn’t know. she suspects her husband is having affairs since most pureblood husbands do. i don’t even necessarily think she would feel all that betrayed if she did know for certain that she was having an affair. she would be hurt that it was with bellatrix, that either of them would do that to her. she stayed for bellatrix, chose her, and bella ends up having an affair with her ’husband’. she’d be hurt by bella and humiliated by lucy

narcissa and lucy did not marry for love necessarily since me and kara are agreed that it was more or less an arranged marriage. we do think that lucy had some say in the choice whereas narcissa wouldn’t.. but they have a pretty alright marriage at first. lucy picks narcissa because she genuinely likes her. because they’re similar, she’s the woman lucy always wanted to be, and lucy respects her. they get along well, have similar interests, both want to blend in rather than stand out, etc. she respects her and is willing, desperate, to make it work

narcissa isn’t envious of lucy because narcissa never dreamt of being in the same position as a man (which she sees her as) like bellatrix dreams of. however, lucy grows to resent narcissa over the years. especially after arthur’s family grows long before lucy and narcissa ever have draco. arthur is a happy family man with lucy’s polar opposite and lucy is the man of the house with a wife she wishes she could be. at this point, before draco, narcissa is still pretty content in their marriage because she absolutely 100% does not want to have children. they barely even sleep together, me and kara also think maybe they’ve never slept together before they try for a child, and she’s more or less grateful that lucy is having affairs with other women instead (<- with the lack if information she has)

becoming a mother is narcissa’s worst nightmare. she was horrified the day she found out she was pregnant because she ruins everything she touches. her family is cursed. she lost one sister who was disowned and she’s losing the other to voldemort and she’s the only one left to fulfill her duty as a black daughter and wife and it’s killing her. she ruins everything she touches and now she’s pregnant and will give birth to the rot inside of her and she does not think she’s capable of being a good mother. does not think she could committ to it even if she tried

she has draco, and she loves the boy from the first time she holds him. miserable pregnancy, agony and self hatred and regret and then she meets her son and she loves him. maternal instincts that she never thought she had, that weren’t shown to her when she grew up, kick in immediately. she made that kid, he came from her, and he becomes her purpose. she’s been a coward all her life, but she would die for draco. <- she’s still not winning any best mom awards, and she does fail to protect her son for a long time, but she loves her boy and in the end, her first act of bravery, she betrays voldemort and chooses her son.

however, it’s when they have draco that their marriage completely falls apart. lucius hates her for her maternal instincts, hates that she herself can’t be a mother, and hates that she’s not fit to be a father. she had pressed the issue to finally produce an heir because she thought she might finally get over arthur. because she might fall in love with being a ’father’ like arthur had, and she just doesn’t. she cant be a mother, and she can’t be a father. she looks at draco and feels close to nothing. she just doesn’t connect with her son and it breaks her heart and makes her cold

i think narcissa does get frustrated with lucy for being a bad father, but i also don’t think she thinks it’s that out of the ordinary. lucy is a ’man’ and has responsibilites as a provider. narcissa is an old fashioned and close-minded pureblood wife. she knows her duties, traditional as they may be. and yes i do think she finds some sort of satisfaction that draco loves her more. she absolutely spoils him, gives him whatever he wants, is very hands-on. i even think she thinks of draco as her son rather then theirs

she is not aware of lucy’s complicated relationship with wonanhood, but she is aware that she’s.. different? that there’s something but she just can’t put her finger on what it is? i mean, lucy barely fully comprehends her complicated relationship with womanhood. they got married in the 70s and grew up in super traditional homes with decided gender roles. even if narcissa found lucy trying on her lipstick i don’t think she would jump to the conclusion that she’s a trans woman. i also dont think she would suspect her of being a gay man. to her she’s simply her husband, and their marriage wasn’t ever based on love or communication. i think she has a very ’whatever goes on in lucius mind is not my business’ approach to whatever lucy may or may not struggle with

she also does not notice her lingerie going missing, or if she does she just shrugs it off

she also does not rekindle her past relationship with alice (or with lily, depending on who i prefer her with that day). alice is part of narcissas ’i ruin everything i touch’ mindset and she could never look back once she chooses bellatrix once and for all. i also don’t think she takes it as permission to have her own affairs, atleast not during the beginning of their marriage, because it’s just sort of expected that husbands have affairs. should even be allowed them. she’s meant to be a good obediant wife and that’s really what she is for a very long time. i do see her having affairs during the second war however! one of them is a rather uncomfortable non-explicit but deeply intimate relationship with pansy when there’s marriage talk between draco and pansy. that relationship is more about touch starvation and girlhood and mother/daughter for pansy and missing her sisters for narcissa. it gets complicated and messy and twisted real fast

she does not talk to bellatrix about this either, and yeah she really mostly does sit around in malfoy manor with draco. but i also think that’s when she’s the most content. very much like in hotd when rhaenys said ’you desire not to be free, but to make a window in the wall of your prison’ to alicent. it’s all she knows. it’s the only freedom she has ever been aware of. her time is hers, her son is hers and being alone becomes a synonym for freedom. if anything i think she dreads for lucy to come home. she resents her, and lucy resents her right back. lucy could never forgive narcissa for being the wife and mother she so desperately wanted to be, and narcissa could never forgive lucy’s anger towards her for it even if she doesn’t know where it stems from

i think she always wonders what would’ve happened if she had left with andy. atleast up until she has draco and he becomes her purpose. she never would’ve had him if she left and he’s the single best thing that’s ever happened to her. she’s hers. someone who’ll always love her back. she wouldn’t trade him for anything. she’ll be miserable for the rest of her days if it means being with draco. she’s not a perfect mother, maybe she’s not even a very good one for a lot of years, but she loves him and she tries which is more than her mother ever did for her. or druellas mother before her. it takes a little while, but narcissa breaks the family curse and the cycle of abuse in the end. lies voldy straight to his face to save her son

i hope some of your questions got answered !!!