rita-repulsa-ke

[rita-repulsa-ke]

omg I just saw your tags on that fanfic post and now I have to ask for more details about you and your gf 👀 that’s so cute

Dhhdhdhd. It is veryyy cute. So I read one of her fics on AO3, specifically created an account so I could comment (which she was delighted by ofc), became obsessed with all her work and we did a lot of responding back and forth in her fic comments. I was determined to be her friend (or more, cough), joined tumblr so I could DM her…she wrote drabbles for me…she asked for my number…and yeah. Mm. Very much the best thing that’s ever happened really. We are very, very cute.

[rita-repulsa-ke]

Eve is a coward

Eve is a coward. She can’t stab, kiss or kill properly, can’t stomach the thought of gutting you and spilling out a gush of raw sewage and wasted beauty, dulled by all these years spent chasing a woman who wasn’t brave enough to do it right the first time.

[rita-repulsa-ke]

Fake dating Eve

“So for the plan to work, I have to pretend to date you?”

“Yep.”

Fake-dating Eve. Taking Eve to nice restaurants. Dressing Eve. Holding hands kissing stabbing people together—

“You are the boss, Kill Commander,” she said, impressing herself with how indifferent she sounded.

[rita-repulsa-ke]

chats with the dead

“I stabbed her,” Eve confesses to the headstone of a dead friend.

Then, because she was always more honest with him than anyone else, she admits, “But I didn’t do it for you.”

[rita-repulsa-ke]

Agatha and Jen (and Rio)

“So. You and Rio.”

“What about us?”

“You two were, you know. An item.”

“Nooooo. She’s my creepy stalker, that’s all. Totally obsessed with me. It’s a bit pitiful, really.”

“…sure, Agatha, if you want me to pretend I don’t have eyes and can’t see the way you stare at her, I can do that. Look, all I want to know is, how is she in bed?”

“What?? Why?”

“Because hot but crazy can be a great time for a short time. As I am absolutely certain you’re aware.”

“…if I ever did toss Rio a pity lay and I’m not admitting anything here, I’d say she was absolutely terrible. Worst I’ve ever had.”

“Mm. How so?”

”She bites. And she likes knives. In bed.”

“I don’t know, that could be hot.”

“…and she smells. You know green witches, always in the dirt, never fans of bathing…”

“Wow. Okay, so you are really jealous.

“What? No! Goddess, hahahaha, nooo. If you want to make a pass at Rio, be my guest. Though she’s kind of obsessed with me, so I don’t know if she’d go for—“

“I already did.”

“What??”

“Already did. And she said yes. Just thought I’d get the lay of the land fir—okay, bye, Agatha! Nice talk, let’s do this again sometime…mm. This should be fun. Things were starting to get boring around here.”

“Hi Ag—“

“Jen?? Really, Rio? Jennifer Kale? Flop of a potions witch? Seller of face creams that give you cancer? She isn’t even—okay, she is pretty, maybe, if you squint, but she’s hardly your type—I mean she’s picky, arrogant…mean…”

“Um. Agatha…”

“…no, no, you’re right, I see it. Unfortunately. I bet she’s terrible in bed though. She seems like she would be. Fine. I don’t care. You’re a grown—incarnation of the natural order. You can go to bed with whoever you like. I just thought—I mean. I am right here. In the flesh. And it has been a while. So I didn’t expect—I mean, really, Jennifer K—mmph???!!”

“……Mm. I still remember how you like to be kissed, beloved.”

“……what—what the hell was that?”

“I’m not going to bed with the potions witch, Ags. Though maybe I should have let you keep going. Jealousy is an amazing look on you. You really have missed me, huh?”

“…I really, reallly haven’t. But….I guess I’m glad you still have better taste than that.”

“Only you.”

“Ew. …Maybe I should have pushed you and Jen together, you know, to get you off my back.”

“You would hate it. If I ever looked away.”

“I really, really wouldn’t. Trust me. …but it, um…”

“Hmm???”

“…wasn’t a terrible kiss…”

“Oh. …we could maybe…one more ti—“

“…”

“oh.”

“Heh. Guess I still remember how Death likes to be kissed.”

“…Agatha…”

“Can’t believe I fell for that. I mean, you and Jen. Hah! As if. Come on, hurry up, let’s get going! More deadly trials ahead.”

“Wait, kiss me one more—ugh, gone already. Heh. Hehehehehe. She really did miss me. Right behind you, beloved. As always.”

[rita-repulsa-ke]

What Eve Loves

Eve loves— Adrenaline Blowing up her life Being self-righteous Bodies Your body? Probably It is a perfect body Perfect face Very lovable, no matter what your mother says Said She thinks about your face (Eve, not your mother) (Eve is nothing like your mother) It’s all she sees when she closes her eyes That is nice! So nice It is only you’ve noticed that when her eyes are open she can’t seem to look at you at all

[rita-repulsa-ke]

being sad and trying to think about ur favorite characters to make yourself feel better is always kinda funny when every character u like is an abominable piece of shit. try to think "[X] would comfort me" no they would fucking Noooootttttt. Lol

[rita-repulsa-ke]

love letters

They could have kissed on a bed or held hands on a bridge. They could have lied less, said more, but neither of them were any good at speaking truth. Instead they wrote love letters inscribed in flesh and read them with reverent fingers. What could be more romantic than that?

[rita-repulsa-ke]

happy valentine’s day💌

[rita-repulsa-ke]

Valentine’s Day

“Hi, Agatha.”

“Oh. It’s you. Hi, still hate you.”

“You’re not going to ask about the flowers?”

“Nope.”

“They’re for you.”

“Didn’t ask. …but obviously.”

“It’s Valentine’s day. Apparently. I got you flowers. And a card. And some candy.”

“Yeah, not interest—what kind of candy?”

“Truffles. White chocolate. With fillings.“

“Okay, I’ll take those. Not the rest, though.”

“…Beloved, it’s been almost two hundred years.”

“Wow, are you finally learning to tell time? That would be almost impressive. These are decent truffles, actually. Go away now.”

“Agatha.”

“Oh come on, you can’t attack me today, it’s Valentine’s day.”

“…at least read the card…”

“Fine, fine, what terrible, sappy—Rio, you just wrote ‘I will never leave you’ on a blank card. And drew a heart. Poorly.”

“Mmhmm.”

“…fine, give me the stupid flowers. …oh, you remembered to put nightshade.”

“It is your favorite.”

“Mm. Okay. Right. …Still hate you. …But…do you want a truffle?”

“Yes, beloved, of course I do.”

[rita-repulsa-ke]

On Happiness

Lilia says it’s having a sense of purpose and maybe some control over 'when' you are.

Jen can't put her finger on exactly what it is, but being filthy rich couldn't hurt.

Alice says it's a couple of consecutive days where nothing goes wrong.

Nicky remembers it as cozy nights around the campfire with his mother.

Billy's might be a lie he stole from someone else.

Tommy wants to find his.

Wanda just laughs and laughs and laughs.

Natasha hasn't the faintest idea.

Agatha says it's being the most powerful, sexiest, scariest witch in the room.

Rio says it's Agatha.

[rita-repulsa-ke]

romance

"Sweetheart," Eve sighs. There's a body at her feet and past that is the woman she loves, watching her with 'cat who dragged in half-a-squirrel' energy. "…Why?" "He was looking for us." "Sure. Why didn't you bury—" The body stirs. Her lover smiles. "Eve. It is more romantic to do it together."

[rita-repulsa-ke]

not enough women stabbing each other to symbolize sex in the media actually

[rita-repulsa-ke]

boredom

Villanelle buys what she wants and doesn’t want it. Kills who she’s told to and yawns over the corpses. Takes people to bed and forgets their names.

“I will get bored of you,” she tells Eve.

“Sure,” Eve says. “You haven’t yet, though, so can we just enjoy our anniversary?

[rita-repulsa-ke]

they're taking persephone out of the public domain because every possible version of that story has already been told. you have to do a modern queer feminist retelling of the scorpion and the frog now.

[rita-repulsa-ke]

On First Dates

Lilia wants casual and fun—make her laugh and maybe she’ll do it again.

Jen expects you to try and impress her, even though you’ll fail.

Alice always does coffee, it’s the easiest to get out of if they’re a creep.

Billy has changed his shirt six times and gotten all the way back to his first selection.

Tommy will be shocked when he realizes that it was a date.

Nicky never got the chance.

Wanda’s making a prequel episode about hers, laugh track and all.

Natasha doesn’t really do dating.

Agatha thinks ‘dates’ are for losers, better to just go to bed.

Rio never forget theirs.

(…neither did Agatha)

[rita-repulsa-ke]

rot

You do not miss Eve. She is bad for you, bad like spoiled meat, you would die if you took too much of her in, breathed her scent and tasted her skin. So no, you don’t miss her, except the part of you that smells rot and feels at home.