#last time i posted something...it was traumatic

[brattyspence]

safe and sound | s.reid

summary: in which post-prison!spencer finds himself so comforted by your presence that he can’t help but fall asleep whenever he’s around you. (anyone else remember that tiktok trend abt how frequently falling asleep around certain people is a sign of someone feeling safe? no? just me?)

tags: fluffy! post-prison!spence (but its not rlly mentioned in detail)(just reminding u all that man is Traumatized capital T), gun mentioned, sleeping… that’s it i think

a/n: hey idk how to follow up my last fic so here is this??? its a drabble!

word count: 651

(a very short) masterlist here

You had been sitting on your couch, laptop open on your lap as you typed away the last bit of paperwork you needed to complete for the night. The TV was playing softly, some random documentary channel you’d put on hours ago. The room was dim, only the soft lighting from the table side lamp illuminating the space.

Even though your relationship was relatively new, you were at a point where simply existing in each other's presence was an acceptable reason to hang out. You didn't need to be doing something, you were just content to exist in each others orbit. 

In recent weeks, you’d observed a new phenomenon; nearly every time he came to your apartment, he would fall asleep within an hour. 

Not that particularly you minded. Sometimes you found yourself tangled somewhere in his arms, the book you had been reading slipping from your fingertips as you also fell asleep. Other times you were so busy with work and laundry and whatever else you were up to to notice that he had been sleeping at all. 

You shut your laptop and placed it on the coffee table in front of you. It was late now, nearly 11pm. 

“Spence…” you reached over to ruffle his hair softly, hoping to stir him. “It's past 11.”

He made a slight whine of protest before fluttering his eyes open. You watched him squint at the digital clock on your TV stand. “Ugh. I'm sorry. I’m going.”

��I wasn't kicking you out,” you reply. “I just thought maybe you didn't want to spend the night on my couch.”

He sat up, rubbing his eyes for a few seconds. “Yeah, that's probably not very smart,” he replied, a slight smile creeping across his lips. “I don't know why your apartment makes me so tired.”

He did know, in fact. It was no secret that the past year hadn't been kind to him. Prison had left him changed, and touched every part of his life irreversibly, including his own home. It was stupid, he knew. He was a fully grown man, a trained agent who owned a gun and knew how to use it, and he still could never feel as safe in his own apartment as he was in yours. You were the only person in his life who didn’t see him during that point in his life. You hadn't watched him change and expected anything from him. Being in your presence was the only time there was no weight to bear.

“It's more than fine with me,” you said. You shifted across the cushions enough to tuck your head against his shoulder. “You can sleep on my couch whenever you want. But you should probably consider the bed instead, if you don't want back pain for the rest of your life.”

He chuckled softly, sliding an arm around your side to settle you against him. “I’ll consider it.”

The air grew still again. You closed your eyes, savoring the feeling of his fingertips tracing lines up and down your side. Eventually you felt him place his cheek against your head. You were certain you’d also succumb to the temptation of sleep that had been creeping up on you.

“You should just stay the night,” you mumbled. 

“We both have work tomorrow, honey.”

You huffed. “But we’re so comfy right here. Please?”

“Maybe I can just get up extra early tomorrow to have time to go home…” he said. “Just because you asked so nicely.”

“Mhm. Do that.” You nodded. “And next time just pack a bag. Or I'll make space for you in my closet. Whatever will get you to stay.”

You felt him laugh quietly before he removed his arm from its position around you. He stood up before you could protest further, offering his hand to you. 

“Come on. Let's go to bed like adults.”

You groaned, accepting his hand anyway.

[beanarie]

inspired by this post by @epiphainie and people's awesome tags on it.

the messenger

The buzzer rang five minutes after Evan's text (Just coming back from our last call. Thank God. Not even stopping to shower I am outta here. See you in 20. 15 if I gun it. Start getting those clothes off.)

"Hello?" Tommy said, pressing the button. "Is someone there?"

"Oh, Tommy. I didn't even- Good." Something crackled on the other end. "Sorry, it's uh. It's Maddie."

Well, it was hardly his gate to keep. Tommy redid the buttons on his shirt. "Come on up."

Maddie arrived with Jee-Yun on her hip. She still had her work shirt on and she was mostly looking everywhere but him.

"Hi," he said, curiosity shifting to concern. He hadn't spent much time with the Han family unit. Not long after he and Evan became official, Maddie and Howie rescued a traumatized child from a group home and their free moments then went towards maintaining the connection between her and the parents she'd been ripped from, aka Hen and her wife Karen. But from what he'd heard about her, Jee-Yun seemed uncharacteristically subdued. Feeding off her mom, perhaps. "He's not back yet."

She looked up at him, very briefly, just long enough to give a good view of her reddened eyes. "Right. They're pretty much done. I asked Howie to meet us here."

She set Jee-Yun up on the easy chair with a coloring book and markers, then kissed her cheek. "Draw Mommy a nice picture, okay?"

Tommy ducked his head as she approached the kitchen, conscious of their differences in height. "Maddie?"

She took in a sharp breath, her eyes bright as she raised one hand. "I'm sorry. I'd tell you. I'd just hate to have to keep saying it."

"Okay." He touched her shoulder and left his hand there a moment. "I think there's... tea?" She was already too brittle and fragile for alcohol.

She nodded gratefully, her gaze going toward the kid quietly marking up a page of farm animals as he retreated to the cabinets. He thought about Howie's brother, Alfred- no Albert. His name came up occasionally in group conversations. He'd couch-surfed through the family, becoming a firefighter himself until he realized that being barely legal to drink and loving his hero brother weren't good enough reasons to stay at a job that didn't do it for him. After resigning, he'd gone back to Korea.

Tommy didn't ask. Asking would force her to answer.

He thought of some other names, which he also did not bring up.

They each had a mug of vanilla chai, which Evan never touched but Tommy loved. Tommy sipped his. Maddie only stared at hers. The door opened, letting in good-natured smack talk.

"Look, all I'm saying is, if it actually had been a rottweiler, you would've finished the call on the other side of the street."

"Okay, okay, Mr. I didn't enter the tiger apartment until Chimney tranqed it."

Tommy wondered at the logistics, whether Maddie's request of Howie arrived before Evan fled the station house, or if the two of them surprised each other by making it to Evan's building at the same time. Maddie breathed in, letting the motion straighten her posture, and stepped away from the counter.

"You didn't enter until after that, either!" Evan turned away from Howie and the grin fell from his face. "Maddie? What's going on?"

Howie glanced at Tommy, who gave a tiny shrug.

She took Evan's hand. "Buck," she said. "Come sit down."

Tommy discarded several names as Howie came and stood next to him.

Maddie sat next to Evan at the table, both of her hands covering his. "Mom called me about an hour ago from the hospital. Dad had been having some chest pain and they found a severe blockage. They went in for a double bypass, but-"

"But what?" Evan asked quietly.

Her face crumpled. "Something went wrong during surgery and they couldn't stop the bleeding." She removed one of her hands from his to stifle a sob. "Dad's gone."

"Shit," Howie whispered.

Maddie shifted the angle of her chair and leaned forward to throw her arms around Evan's neck. After a second or two of shellshock, he returned the embrace, tightening his grip around her. When he met Tommy's gaze, he didn't look sad, or angry. He just looked lost.

"Daddy!" Jee-Yun cried, making the entire room flinch, right before she launched herself at Howie.

[woodchipp]

Oh hey, didn't see you here.

he suffered a lot due to the traumatic incident he had to witness plus the grief and guilty due to the consequences of his actions

His suffering is entirely internal and self-inflicted. I'm not going to feel much for a character whose only remarkable traits are being a terrible jerk and feeling bad for themself all the time, even if they're a child.

Honestly, I am baffled as to how you think this two characters are the same, you probably need to seek a brain specialist and check your neurons, I'm sure God gave you a wrong patterns recognition. And hey maybe you can test your IQ in there and have some advice to get smarter.

I find it ironic a discussion of a game about mental illness and trauma has the game's fans use mental illness as an insult. Thought you were better than that.

(the album captions are considered non-canon),

Because you don't agree with the arguments they're used for? XD

I shall use mine:

That recording's fanmade. The photos' desciriptions are in the game's files.

I'd appreciate canonical sources proving stuff like Mari being physical other than very blurry photos you can't glean anything concrete from. As it stands, those text descriptions, even if scrapped, are the closest thing to a canonical source there is, so they're what I'm going with.

This is a farce.

(Which Sunny did do a lot with Aubrey by the way, shown through the video montage of “Duet”)

The most they are shown doing in the Duet cutscene is a brief shot of them sitting together on the swings.

A flashback or two showing Sunny as the good listener we are told he is would've gotten that point across better, y'know.

What twelve year old wouldn’t complain MENTALLY? It’s not being an ass, if he was, he would’ve outwardly said all those things. It’s just that mentally he doesn’t want to do it.

My point is that I'm not too inclined to believe Sunny loves his friends as much as the game wants me to think he does when his reaction to the prospect of hard work for the sake of their happiness is whining.

Do I think it was just caused because he didn’t get to watch cartoons? No. Mari obviously said something to provoke it.

If it's so obvious, where's the proof? The recording doesn't count.

You think a 15 year old whose parents booked a venue for their recital wouldn’t be pressured and in turn pressure their younger sibling into making it PERFECT? Just food for thought.

Would've been great if the game had actually shown the pressure she was experiencing and subjected Sunny to.

It’s also realistic to those experiencing PTSD or shock

Trauma doesn't preclude one from being a decent person to others. How many times do I have to spell that out?

"For a moment, you feel at peace. You hate yourself for feeling this way.” He was relieved, sure. But he hated himself for that. Because he didn’t want to feel relief.

Funny you left out the caption's last sentence, which implies the reilef that he won't face repercussions outweighed any guilt he felt ("Is that all, then? Is everything going to be okay now?")

It's portrayed as a bad thing.

Which is why the game conveniently leaves out his friends' reactions, I suppose.

Have you ever thought that maybe, just maybe the reason Sunny doesn’t show any guilt in-game is because he’s discovering the truth as much as we, the player are? Just food for thought

Nice to see you haven't bothered to check any of the links in that post.

Why do you think he doesn’t end up killing himself in a majority of the hikikomori routes even though OMORI has taken over?

There are only two endings to that route, and he very much does kill himself in one of those.

What Sunny did was the fault of him being a child witnessing a traumatic incident

He was responsible for it.

Also, the "irrational mindset" argument was specifically about Sunny shoving Mari down the stairs.

If anything, Basil's at fault.

1) Basil wouldn't have felt the need to intervene were it not for Sunny.

2) It's true that Basil was responsible for the lie, but it was Sunny who chose to go along with it.

...Well, that was a whole lot of nothing lmao.

Sunny is forgivable because he was a child who was not in a good rational mindset and made an impulsive decision with much more dire consequences than anticipated

Jimmy is not forgivable because he was an adult who had to make several conscious decisions to do what he did and does nothing but repeat his horrible behaviour

Both games are about forgiveness but two completely different ends of that spectrum. Omori is about how forgiveness can be healing and help those recover, and mouthwashing is about how sometimes forgiveness does nothing but enable horrible people to continue their abusive behaviour

[sysig]

An eye for a life, unquestionably worth it (Patreon)

[khaire-traveler]

Hey, so I find it hard to believe that I have to say this, but it's become a massive problem for me recently and continues to repeat. If I have blocked you in the past and you have hurt me (which you have come to now realize), do not reach out to me, dude. Do not reach out even just to apologize. I don't want to hear from you, and it's extremely upsetting to be continuously receiving asks from people I've specifically cut out from my life because they know I run this blog. It's shitty, it's sometimes triggering, and it's invasive of my boundaries, so stop. Leave me be, and go on your merry way. I've had to restrict who can message me, and STILL people choose to reach out to me through my asks now! I've had to turn them off temporarily because the problem is getting so ridiculous. It's nice that you want to apologize, but some of you have deeply traumatized me in ways I am still reconciling. Please, just leave me be. Stop reaching out on your other/new accounts; you will be immediately blocked the second I find out it's you.

If I've blocked you, Do. Not. Reach. Out. To. Me. If I wanted to talk to you, I would. Move on with your life, please, and respect my boundaries if you truly care.

[flurry-of-stars]

I've had alot of fun these past few days (´◡`)

Thanks to the Steam sale, I got RE2R and 3R on my laptop (I've had them on PS4 since their release dates but the graphics on my laptop are way better) 2R still scares the absolute hell outta me, in a fun way (looking at Mr. X mostly for actually terrifying me. Fight me, he's scarier than 3R's Nemmy) and I got to race with my younger brother to see who can beat RE3R the fastest.

I was winning right until the end, when I was caught in an insta-kill move, giving him the lead right at the end. It was honestly so much fun, I'm not even mad I lost.

We're moving onto RE2R, then maybe 4R and I'm really nervous (´∀｀)

I did play RE2R briefly with a close friend and my bro just to make sure everything works....AND GOD, IM SORRY FOR NOT HAVING A FANTASTIC AIM WHEN ITS BEEN YEARS SINCE I PLAYED RE2R--

[error-core-animations]

haha it's so awesome that Qi Xiaotian is like. canonically romance averse and implied to be nonpartnering. and everyone respects that. it's so awesome that nobody ignores that part of his character for a ship that kinda sucks. right.

[liesonthefloordramatically]

this week is the 9th anniversary of me fleeing my parents’ home, which is. fine. it’s whatever. but more importantly that means that NEXT year I’ll be celebrating a decade of Being Disowned and I really need to come up with a proper way to celebrate it

[sentofight]

ooc. magic vs alchemy thread when?? aside from that, i wanna think more about older edward. traveling further and into a different direction from Al makes me cry a little bit. like, they haven't been away for a long time (lets not talk about THAT moment thank you very much). he'd most likely be defaulted to papa ed mode XD maes hughes raised him well ok?

[todayisafridaynight]

I wonder is that person who keeps asking for Oda hole is the same that said Oda "didn't know Makoto was Tachibana's sister, otherwise he wouldn't have done what he did" and also "Granted, like, willingly stealing someone and selling them into sex slavery is bad, I get that, but we are talking about a game about organized crime. Good intention and good character is very, very subjective here, and I think, overall, Oda wasn't intentionally bad."

Which is honestly so fucked up. Imagine thinking anything that Oda did was okay just because he didn't know who Makoto was, as if him caring for Tachibana cancelled out just how hideous what he did was.

you're gonna have to back it up cause i didnt know there was such an Infamous scoundrel runnin amuck i didn't know this was an iceberg moment

either way what oda did was Pretty Bad ! regardless if whether he would have or would not have bro still did it- also how can be 'intentionally bad' or not when talking about what oda did 💀

[thethingything]

do you ever feel like there's some kind of deadline approaching but there isn't actually a deadline so instead it just feels like there's something really important you're forgetting about and something really bad is gonna happen if you don't do it on time but there isn't actually anything so you can't do it and now your brain just thinks you're gonna die in a couple of months or something?

[dimonds456]

sorry if i've been quiet, the anxieties have me.

but I have therapy tomorrow :) so hopefully things only go up from here.

[myownprivatcidaho]

i dont care to talk much about that crush situation anymore for reasons i . dont care to talk about but let it be known these are sort of the mutual vibes going now .

[nettleparade]

IT'S SULETTA SUNDAY...........FINALLY..................

[anothermonikan]

Man high school was fucked up. You ever think about that. Thank fucking god I'm not in high school anymore

[gor3sigil]

Before starting T, when I socially transitionned, I was surrounded by radical feminists who saw masculinity as gross and inherently evil, something to avoid, something to make fun of, something to destroy. The other transmascs in my friend group, sometimes, told me that they didn’t knew if they really were non-binary or if they just were scared shitless of saying “I am a man”. Because they saw this as a betrayal to their younger self who had been SAd and abused.

I saw many of my masc friends and trans men around me hate themselves, not outing themselves as men because it would imply so so much, it was like opening the Pandora Box. Even when we were just together, talking about our masculinity was always coated with bits like “I know we’re the privileged ones but…”, “I don���t want to sound like I have it bad but…”, “Women obviously have it worse, but last time…” and we were talking about terrible traumas we experienced while taking all the precautions in the world in the case the walls were a crowd of people in disguise waiting to get us if we didn’t downplay the violence we faced, or like crying and being upset and being traumatized and afraid and scared and to say it out loud would make us throw up the needles we were forced to swallow every second of every day living in our skin.

Most of us weren’t on T yet, some of us were catcalled every day and harassed in the streets or in abusive relationships nobody seemed to care to help them get out of because they were “strong enough” to do it by themselves.

I was using the gender swap face app and cried for ours when I saw my father looking back at me through the screen. The idea of transforming, of shedding into a body that would deprive me of love, tenderness, and safety, was absolutely terrifying. I knew I couldn’t stay in this body any longer because it wasn’t mine, but I also knew that if I was going to look like my dad, my brother, my abusers, it would be so much worse.

5 years later and I’m almost 2 years on T, and almost 2 months post top surgery.

I ditched my previous group of friends. I was bullied out of my local trans community. But let me tell you how free I am.

I was scared that T would break my singing voice: it made it sound more alive than ever.

I was scared that T would make me less attractive: it made me find myself hot for the first time in my life.

I was scared that T would make me gain weight: it did. But the weight I put on is not the weight I used to put on by binging and eating my body until I forgot that it even existed. It’s the weight of my body belonging to me, little by little. The wolf hunger for life.

I won’t tell you the same story I see everywhere, the one that goes “I started going to the gym 8 times a week, I put on some muscles, I started a diet and now I look like an action film actor”, in fact if you took pictures of me from 5 years ago vs now I’d just have more acne, I’d have longer hair and still look like I don’t know what to do with myself when I take selfies.

But the sparkle in my eyes, my smile, tell the whole story way better than this long ass stream of words could ever.

I want to say some things that I wish someone told me before starting medically transitionning.

It’s okay to take your time. It’s your body, it’s your journey, if you don’t feel comfortable taking full doses and want to go slow, the only voice you need to listen to is your own. Do what feels right.

If you feel overwhelmed, it’s okay to take a break, it’s okay to ask for support.

Trans people are holy. Everyone is. You didn’t lose your angel wings when you came out because you want to be masculine. You are not excluded from the joy of existence, from being proud of yourself, from being sad, from being scared, from being angry. The emotions and feelings you allowed yourself to feel while processing what you experienced when you grew up as a girl and was seen as a woman are still as valid as before. Nobody can take that from you. If someone tries to, don’t let them.

It’s perfectly normal to grieve some things you were and had before you started to transition, like your high soprano voice or even your chest. Hatching is painful. You can find comfort in things that don’t feel right, so making the decision to change can be incredibly scary and weird and you deserve to be heard and supported through this. Wanting top surgery doesn’t make the surgery less intense, less terrifying, less painful to recover from. When it becomes too much you have the right to take a break and take some deep breaths before going on.

You don’t have to have a radical, 180° change for your transition to be acceptable or valid or worthy of praise. Look at how far you’ve come already. It doesn’t have to show, you’re not made to be a spectacle, you’re human and it is your journey.

Oh, and last thing, you know when some people say “Oh this trans person has to grow out of the cringy phase where you think that you can write essays about being trans or transitionning or just their experience because it’s weird” ? If you ever hear this or see this online, remember all the people whose writing you read and, even if they were not professional writers, helped you more than any theorists did ? If you want to write, do it. It won’t be a waste. It can help people. Or it won’t, and even then, if it helped you, that’s enough.

Love every of my trans siblings, take care of yourselves. You deserve the world.