#kill me it's so late i'm so tired
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Pete's fever wasn't going down. It wasn't really Pete's fault. He had started eating more regularly, even if slowly to not upset his stomach. (He didn't want to vomit his insides all over the duvet again. It hadn't been a pleasant experience.) He had started sleeping more, too, and even though it had mostly been accompanied by disturbing dreams and could be described as anything but nourishing, at least it was something. This wasn't really Vegas' fault, either. Well. It was. It was difficult to explain, and Pete didn't quite have the mental capacity or the patience to make Vegas understand why he hadn't magically healed in a day thanks to a bowl of noodles, a couple of pills and some bandages wrapped around his torso. In all honesty, that was a lie. Despite Pete's reluctance to admit it, he had been way more patient that he should have. More than he could sustain. Today, his patience seemed to be at its limit. Pete didn't let it show - he never did, he couldn't afford to, not even now - but he could feel it brewing under his skin. The urge to snap at an anxious Vegas hovering above him with blood-shot eyes and trembling limbs was big and tempting, but Pete knew better than to succumb to it. He simply closed his eyes and breathed in through his nose, trying to forget about it. Vegas, of course, wouldn't allow that. "Pete," he heard Vegas whisper. When he didn't respond, Vegas said it again, louder. "Pete. Hey, look at me." Pete did. "Do you not hate me?" Pete didn't answer. "Don't you want to kill me?" Pete sighed. He refused. H wouldn't give Vegas the satisfaction. "How would you do it?" This was starting to get irritating. "Vegas-" "Tell me, Pete. What would you do? Would you use your hands or a weapon?" Pete couldn't escape this. He realized when he looked at the pure desperation in Vegas' eyes. "I'm a bodyguard, aren't I?" he foolishly said, his voice breaking slightly. He lifted his head and stared at the ceiling. He could picture it; him wearing his uniform, blowing Vegas' brains out with his gun. The image brought him no satisfaction. Only a faint sense of dread he couldn't rationalize. Vegas' humming snapped him out of it. "Yes, I can see that. I can't imagine you using a knife, though." Pete felt slightly offended by that comment for some reason. "Why? Don't you think I have the guts?" "It's too... emotional a choice for you. You wouldn't use it to kill me." Right. Pete huffed in amusement. "I guess you're right. I'm not like you." This did the trick. Pete could feel the effect of his words, the hostility Vegas was emitting. It gave him goosebumps, despite the temperature of the room. The sound of the door closing harshly made him flinch, a racing heartbeat remaining for a while afterwards. It didn't bother him. He was finally left alone. It didn't matter if he'd manage to get better or not. If only Vegas could see that.
(A snippet inspired by a scene in the movie "Eileen")
#I would have apologized about my random “Eileen” gifset spam#but as you can see the movie inspired me in a lot of ways#unbelievable how that happened#my VP brainrot is so bad you guys#anyway this is barely edited and looks sloppy in my eyes but it's midnight and I'm tired so take it as it is#I'm in my safehouse feels lately if you couldn't tell#Vegas wanting Pete to kill him so so so so SO badly fascinates me#and especially in this concept how he's craving Pete's animalistic fury on him#because it's a sign Pete is getting better#because it's a sign he hasn't failed in nourishing him back to health#because they can return to their initial performance (they can't)#(they could never)#(and both of them know it)#addicting it's simply addicting#vegaspete#yu is writing
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Time to summon him again
#bartimaeus#bartimaeus trilogy#the bartimaeus trilogy#bartimaeus sequence#bartseq#hello i'm dying from work#sorry i've been really inactive lately because of my job#all i want to do is draw but lately i'm so tired all i can do when i get home is lay down it's killing me haha
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(cw vent, sorry it's just been A Couple Of Days)
Not really having many irl friends comes at the price of feeling so terribly lonely, I feel like I have no one to talk to because I'm not close to enough people, or maybe I am and I just haven't talked to them in a while and I don't want this to be our first conversation qwq
I'm honestly just. Tired, tbh qwq
#I mostly talk to my partner#But they've been more absent lately and like they have their own life#But the second they're gone I realize I don't talk to anyone that much#I used to have someone else I spoke to daily; it was an awful friendship though and it took a lot of struggle to end it#But god; just qwq; I'm so tired of everything qwq#Honestly I'm disappointed in how upset it makes me that my partner is more absent because I know it's bc they've found a game they're into#And have been playing non-stop#They'll come telling me that they've done this and that and I'll be struggling HARD and will try to mention it at some point but#But like I wanna leave them their space to be excited but I just#Look. Look the NPD is getting to me; and I know these are not kind or fair feelings but#But I hate it here; I don't care about their game; I don't care about what they've done;#All my brain focuses on is that I've had a shitty fucking day and everything's gone wrong and they weren't here#Because they were fucking playing#And I know that's not fair for MANY reasons and that voicing all that would make me a massive asshole#And that at its core; it's more of a matter of never going anywhere; not having people to hang out with;#Not leaving my house nor talking to that many people#I feel so lonely and so fucking hollow qwq#My bag got taken away and I feel like I've lost an intrinsic part of myself#And to top it all off; I had today's exam and the project I'm doing#And my dad screaming and my period coming and all the things I have to do and how much I yearn for friends#Yet when I'm with my friends I can't wait to be alone#Man; just#I didn't wanna go this far; and I only say it here because no one's really gonna read it;#But I genuinely just wanna kill myself at this point#There's no point nor reason#I'm trying hard to enjoy life but nothing goes my way#I have so many things I want to do and nothing fucking goes my way#I'm so tired; I just want to go to sleep and not wake up; it's gnawing and clawing and it's such an ugly feeling qwq#I feel like if I cut myself I'd be even more pathetic; I wouldn't even be met with sympathy; just. Disappointment#It's been a while since I last self-harmed in a way that was visible
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ooooooh my god i need some fucking joy i need some fucking joy NOW
#literally nothing is bringing me enjoyment right now NOTHINGGGG#(yes i know its the depression. whatever.)#i havent played bg in like three weeks. not even enjoying that anymore either#and i CANT FUCKING WRITE!!!!!#I'm so exhausted all the time I'm so bored I'm so lonely#and yeah I'm reading more lately which is great but I'm hardly enjoying myself I just#im so fucking bored im sick of killing myself to complete job applications just to hear nothing back im so. so tired#whatever!!!!! life sucks and then you die#pretty sure my birth control is gonna kill me anyway so whooo caresssss#idk what this post is about#tbd
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FLASH SALE
Okay guys, you may have seen that I’m moving in a week. To that end, I’m going to be putting my Etsy shop on hiatus until we’re settled in a new place. However, for the next week I would love to clear out my backstock of fragrances and bottles, so I’m offering a sale on every fragrance in stock. This does not apply to scents I’d have to special order.
Here’s how it works: I will create a custom fragrance for you based on your tastes. You can select from my list of in stock oils below, or give me an overall profile, like “woodsy/warm” or “spicy/sweet” or “floral/cool”, etc and I will make one for you based on vibes. A one ounce bottle is $15, a two ounce bottle is $20, and I’m offering free shipping in the United States for the length of this deal!
This offer is good through 5/13, as I will be packing and driving on Sunday, 5/14, so grab it while you can!
Choose your blend from the list, then send your payment via Paypal or Venmo (@greymichaela) with the combination you want, the size of the bottle, and your shipping address.
Under the cut is a list of my current stock of fragrance oils to choose from:
Warm:
Bay rum
Frankincense
Amber
Sandalwood
Tobacco
Vanilla
Clove
Cinnamon
Cardamom
Black Vetiver Cafe (coffee undertones and spicy and woody notes)
Woodsy
Teakwood
Oakmoss/sandalwod (oakmoss and sandalwood, with tonka bean, cedarwood, and lemon)
Palo Santo (notes of Palo Santo wood, warm amber and soft musk. A soothing, creamy and woodsy scent)
Cypress/citron
Mahogany/teakwood (one of my most popular!)
Pine
Cedar
Cypress/redwood
Cypress
Floral
Lotus blossom
Rose
Flower shop (floral blend of roses and greenery)
Sandalwood/rose
Orange blossom
Lavender
Carnation
Peony
Rose/geranium
Gardenia
Sweet pea
Plumeria
Sunflower
Magnolia
Honeysuckle
Lilac and lilies
Fruit
Raspberry sorbet
Strawberry
Pomegranate
Black fig and honey
Assorted
Lemongrass
Lemon sugar
Orange
Bergamot
Black amber/lavender
Patchouli
Espresso
Sweetgrass (smells like fresh cut grass)
Brown sugar
Honey almond
Peppermint
Verbena
Honey vanilla
Butter vanilla
Silken oud
Cinnamon orange clove
Vanilla cardamom
Marshmallow fireside
Fresh linen
Cool water
Salted caramel
Old time barbershop (Bay rum, sandalwood, and earthy patchouli)
#please boost this#once again I can't make rent and now I have moving costs#I'm drowning in late fees and it's killing my credit score#so you can kill two birds with one stone - smell nice AND help me out a bit#I'm so tired of asking for help#but maybe this way I can keep at least some dignity and offer something in return
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my friend and I haven't talked in a week, but I don't want to text or call her first this time. It's always me. I'm so tired of being the only one who puts effort in.
#Relationships require work#Ok but what if youre the only one working#What if I finally told them I was frustrated and now they have only talked to me one time since then and it was because I texted them#I cant do this#I don't want to lose my best friend#I dont know what Id do#But I can feel that separation again#And its killing me#Im so tired of being the only one who actually listens or takes interest in the things that are said#I try new things just for them or to not feel in the outside#But I'm too late#It doesn't matter what I do for them#They never really do anything for me#They dont come to things for me#Just tell me you dont want to come#That would hurt less than the roundabout excuse that is still obvious#They dont actually care about my sports#They dont care if I want to talk about them#But if they have something to say?#If they want to talk to me about people I dont know#I take interest#I engage at least a little so that you know im listening#They dont do that for me#I want it so bad#Aria is upside down again
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It's been a hot minute since I've posted any art, but I thought it was about time to contribute to the Scrooge bandwagon.
So here's some slightly late Christmas themed art of Scrooge and Prudence, because there's a lack of that in the tags.
#I really hope posting this so late will not be a disservice to the art#But I'm really tired of waiting and this took FOREVER#First time drawing a dog in any capacity too or at least seriously#Old grumpy bastard men have become easy to draw help#Ebenezer Scrooge#The chain detail in Scrooge's dressing gown killed me#Prudence#Scrooge a christmas carol#Scrooge 2022#Netflix Scrooge#scrooge: a christmas carol#a christmas carol#My art
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my least favourite thing in sci fi fandoms is when people get really mad about something which seemed epic turning out to be mundane and thematically interesting instead
#personal crap#obviously the main examples for me are stuff like tlj or su haters#but lately people have been doing it about ruby's mum in doctor who#which a) if you liked bad wolf this is so similar you don’t have a leg to stand on#and b) the 'plot hole' complaints I've heard are dumb too#like people are mad sutekh couldn't kill her even though she literally did die he just couldn't take advantage of ruby to do it#and that she was just a normal human which imho is a huge breath of fresh air#from the old shtick of companions being the most important people ever#sorry I'm just tired of people saying empire of death sucked when i really don't think it did
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they should invent a me that's dead 🖤
#so mad at myself rn for so many reasons#and i'm so tired of being. aware#i'm kind of pushing through the days by either distracting myself or dissociating#but i'm having trouble doing either of those late at night#and i can't sleep bc i'm a dumbass and took a nap earlier#distracting myself isn't really good bc i actually have tasks to do and i'm not doing them when i'm too focused on gun stuff#and i have a deadline and it's not smth i can do at the last day#but i can't bring myself to do it for some unclear reason (depression. probably)#oh my god i just noticed a distressing type a few tags back. fun***** stuff not gun stuff 😭 i wish#ANYWAY can someone come over and kill me 🥺 please#vent#negative //#suicide //#ig? implied?#ask to tag
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#my posts#...........................................................................................................................................#............................................................................................................................................#is that enough i think that's enough#yeah that's how its going#everything's been getting worse and I've been feeling very bad but also very pathetic and like complaining almost makes me feel worse but#i can't do anything else about this so like. vent post lmao bc I'm a dumbass#i truly just want to(redacted)but one of those isn't an option and the other i have a drs appointment soon and i don't want to explain that#everything is just. bad. and what isn't i feel like it's getting bad and it's my fault. and I'm probably right.#just. i hate it here#the deserving mentality is truly getting to me and i fucking hate it. it's not logical. I'll still agree with it.#i truly don't deserve the food stuff i can't keep in my life and i deserve the shit that in getting and i can't stop agreeing with that#'oh this classmate wants to have lunch with me on Saturday after working on something! i should cancel before it's too late-#-so i can continue feeling bad for being an apple bc people should hate me bc I'm horrible and don't deserve kindness' like#it's. it's false. it's not logical. and yet#everyone else there's the fucking plexiglass wall and where it wasn't i think it's getting formed and it is my fault probably#i am annoying that one is true#.... I've been making posts like this all day and deleting them bc I'm pathetic also. it's.#... there's a little too much going on lmao#nothing's worth it and i feel like shit and anything i could try to do about it doesn't work and I'm just tired#... in case someone does read this i know it sounds worrying but nothing will happen tbh I'm just a pathetic coward who's sad and tired#and tired of being sad in a way that feels like it's getting worse#I'm not very sure when was the last time i felt. this bad in just. i don't know how to make it stop lmao#also in already annoying so this is all i can do i think lmao#i think I'm seeing now I'm just. being redundant and if i keep this up too much i will delete this. and i should but. i don't think i will#also without saying much this year the one thing™ has been worse than usual and that's not helping either so it truly is just.#that everything is kinda very bad#.... yeah. whatever. it's just.¯\_(ツ)_/¯#... i truly wish killing myself was still an option like when i was a teen bit it's not so i just have to deal with whatever this is#... i hate being aware this is all super illogical bc the logical post of my brain teams up making me feel worse somehow.
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#hhhh#another stupid. vent post#been a while but mostly I've just been too tired to write it down#is there like. A fun quirky way to say i wanna kill myself still#....no probably not#anyway. i do.#im... im still in that day program thing#partial hospitalization. It's a good program. Lots of classes and very judgement free#sadly i cannot help but feel I'm. doomed to failure#because i need so much higher a level of care than this#i. frankly i should be put in a nursing home#that's probably the level I'm at#it all hurts. so much. everything does. my body my mind trying to think trying to talk trying to type#everything hurts either physically or mentally#I'm tired and exhausted all the time#I can barely move some days#I'm a massive financial burden on the people who love me#and i can't really do anything but play videogames to distract myself and then vent endlessly to people who reach out#....if you see this and reach out#i apologize if i don't end up replying#I'm overwhelmed lately#i just can't keep up#and can't help being lonely as fuck despite that#....but i do read it all#every message i get i read. and i cherish. And i forget because of my adhd but when i read it#i feel good for a minute#......so.....#..if you've reached out before...thank you#...if you plan to now.... I'm about to sleep so i may not reply but#....thank you
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I asked one question. Did my partner want to do anything or go anywhere before I take a shower. I can't go sit down anywhere but the kitchen chair because I'm sweaty and dirty from the yard. Just a yes or a no. Instead, there's been paper towels thrown, doors slammed, getting up and walking away from me, and a refusal to speak to me. So I'm going to assume that's a no.
#vent post#I'm so fucking tired of everything lately#I've been up since 4am with nightmares#my leg is killing me and eating makes me cough until i vomit#nothing I've said this week has apparently been the correct thing and just makes people angry#I'm so fucking done right now
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The tap makes a horrid squeak as it forcibly turns, Khare gritting her teeth at the sound - and sight - of murky water pouring forth into the too-small bathtub. The one for hot water goes untouched as well as ignored - it doesn't work anyway and the cold feels much more refreshing even in the tiny unheated apartment she now calls home.
Sinking her lower half into the depths, the waitress breathes a sigh of relief as the chilly liquid hits her skin, instantly soothing the throbbing ache pulsating in her hip. At once the eyes growing there calm, no longer swivelling blindly in non-existent sockets at whatever caught their foul gaze. She sighs again, picking up a bar of cheap soap and debates whether or not it's even worth using before the eyes in her shoulder squirm, vying to be drenched next. It disgusts her, the way they move but more than that she disgusts herself, Khare doing her best to hold back bile while peeling off the bandage protecting her forearm. Already the eyes there have grown back, looking angry and red as they too squirm to which she obliges, dunking her aching forelimb into the watery depths until they settle down. After she'd soaked for a couple of hours, she'd take the pumice stone to them again, scrubbing and scrubbing until they'd all rubbed off and turned the murky water an even filthier shade than it was to start with.
#🌈 || musings#body horror tw#body horror cw#Not even a starter or anything#Just a gross drabble of sorts#As a sort of self-motivation thing to push forth with writing again#Because god DAMN I'm finally off work!#Got yoinked in 3 hours early for an 7 hour shift#At... 10 minutes before they wanted me in#Shit reception made the message late but I got shit done and I am tired#But I have Sunday and Monday off as far as I know ;o;#Last day off was Monday so now I'm going to make some fucking effort even if it kills me ashsjf#Hi hi to everybody I've yet to respond to#Uhh hope you don't mind my squicky girl ;o; <3
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#every now and then i think abt deleting every single social media and dying . like#i really genuinely think abt just dying fr like#👎👎👎#there's only 1 person i've been wanting to talk to lately#and like no one else lol#i just feel so fucking out of my head#why is everything so fucking bad#i barely leave the basement these days .. i just stay in bed and sleep#and i have less than a week to get the fuck over this random stupid rut i'm in#because fucking classes start on tuesday#i wanna kms so bad lol#like i would rather be dead than do another year of college rn#it's so fucking bad for me lmfao#i don't have any support or anyone to talk to and i feel like i'm going fucking crazy#i'm on academic probation is the best part so if i fuck up this semester i get kicked out which like part of me would love ik like#the part of me that's tired and exhausted and just done with everything i wouldn't mind being kicked out but#the ik . that my parents would fucking kill me knowing that i wasted 4 years worth of tuition money and just fucking flopped as a student#waking up wishing i hadn't woken up every fucking day... i feel sick inside...#my anxiety is spiking all over again and i can barely even organize my thoughts lately#i literally threw up last night cause i worked myself up into such hysterics . like lmfao...#i cant get a grip and i cant get the fuck over how bad i feel and no one fucking LISTENS when i saw i hate this and i'm not good enough for#this fucking subject i wanna fucking kill myself holy fuck it's crazy how much i wanna die..#i used to wonder abt that 4th year kid who killed himself when i was at my old uni like how fucking bad was it for him that in his last year#he just couldn't take it anymore and now i'm in the funniest position of literally understanding exactly where he was lol#last year... and i cant do it... i just cant fucking do it and i wanna kill myself i think about it every day i think about it 24/7 and#i'm just so... tired doesn't even encompass what i'm feeling right now i'm fucking exhausted and empty and i have nothing left man i cant#fucking do this... every day im dragging myself kicking and screaming to school and dealing with a 4 hr round trip commute in the shitty ass#weather that we get and getting verbally and emotionally abused by profs and getting 0 acknowledgment for ANYTHING and it's not like my work#is even GOOD enough to begin with so ofc it's not gonna get any acknowledgment like jdjdjdkdkskd i just dont . have it in me to do this#for another fucking year... i literally cannot do this... and i have no other thoughts in my head other than killing myself lmfao...
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It's pretty fun but also kinda sad that Alex can pick up on patterns in other people's behaviour extremely easily and can predict their intentions almost spookily well, but when that same person is talking to him, his own personal hang-ups and paranoia entirely skew his judgement
So like he can tell just from observing the behaviour of a distant colleague's new boyfriend from afar for less than five minutes that he has ulterior motives for being with her, but if that same guy walked up to him and turned out to be a fan who then paid him a genuine compliment, he would perceive it as insincere because his personal perception of himself and the intentions of the universe toward him in general due to his curse and his constant paranoia messes with his judgement
Or like he can physically see and perceive that someone is stone cold sober but if they flirt with him he assumes that he must have missed something and that they're probably drunk because why else would anyone do so unless their mentality was critically impaired in some way?
But he gets annoyed with Louise for not always being able to tell when other girls at the bar are just pretending to be nice to her, and at Caroline for wondering whether or not her current boyfriend is lying to her over text about where he is and who he's with, because he can read into people's typing patterns scarily well within just a few minutes of studying it and the truth is just glaringly obvious to him.
But if Caroline just casually texts him "What's up? :)" one day, he's unsure if she is truly just asking him 'what's up' or if it's preceding some kind of further interrogation that he should being to prepare for, despite having known her personally for many years
#Caroline: Omg... don't look now but that guy over there is kinda cute..maybe I should talk to him..#Alex: (brief observation) He's an alcoholic and he wants to kill the man he's currently conversing with#Caroline: Please stop ruining my life with your eerily correct predictions#Alex: They're not predictions and stop picking the literal worst possible man in the room it's becoming a problem#Caroline: Ugh I just WISH I could find a NICE HANDSOME man to take me home tonight.. (she leans on Alex) Don't you think I deserve that?#Alex: Okay well you stay and have fun I'm getting extremely tired of this loud overcrowded party so I'm leaving#Caroline: Oh uh well I could always...go with you? (she twirls her hair) We could stay up late and watch a movie...have some drinks..#Alex: I'd really rather just drive around in the dark searching for roadkill to be honest..I'll text you tomorrow (already leaving)#Caroline: How can he be so smart yet so oblivious...#Louise: You think Alex is smart? I think he's autistic
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Trying to grow my hair out like Geto's. When I say I want that man's hair, I mean it will be mine and I cannot be stopped. My hair has never been softer. How has this happened? Is his hair this soft? Is this part of my inevitable descent into being a supervillain? Will I, too, make a really bad (if understandable) choice and then sunk cost fallacy my way through the next 10 years until I inevitably get my ass handed to me in a heated battle with a teenager and get finished off by the love of my life?
#his hair is awesome but i'm also doing this for cosplay reasons#at least that's what i'm telling myself#look i like long hair on guys ok?#and also on me#growing out my hair to be long-haired guy style is just killing two birds with one stone#also wearing wigs sucks#so apparently spending six months restyling my hair and then dyeing it is the better option#i REALLY don't like wearing wigs#jujutsu kaisen#geto suguru#anime shitpost#it's late and i'm tired
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