#last year... and i cant do it... i just cant fucking do it and i wanna kill myself i think about it every day i think about it 24/7 and
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telling myself to continue on like normal and write like normal but how am i supposed to do that when i know my world is ending in 24 hours?
tw for tags: i accidentally rambled on and aired out all my grief for my dog
#ive known since the moment we got the cancer diagnosis id be losing him#it doesnt make it easier#tw pet loss#ive experienced a dog dying unexpectedly and now a planned death#i have decided there is no death thats easy. you'll always wish it went the other way.#in 24 hours ill be loading him into my car one last time#ill be joking about how heavy he is as i lift my 'heavy baby' into the backseat#i'll be babytalking him the entire drive and nearly dislocating my arm just to pet him at the red lights for the last time#i bought him reese's peanut butter cups. because he loves peanut butter and deserves to taste chocolate before he goes#i got him all his favorite treats. been feeding him all the meals he'd beg for that id say 'dogs cant have'#i just. this is hard. im losing my baby. my best friend.#the 'aggressive' boy no one wanted for 2 years until i came upon him and said 'hes coming home with me'#people keep telling me i dont have to be in the room when it happens but how could i do that?#how could i leave him alone this last time (arguably the most important time) when the day i brought him home#i made the promise that he'd never be alone again?#how could i do that when every time hes sick he wants me near him? puts his head in my lap?#how could i when during my roughest times he protected me so fiercely?#the only time he's been anything but a gentle giant has always been when he protects me#how could i not protect HIM one last time?#im sorry. im in my feels. this fucking sucks.
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:-P
#how long ago did i watch pacific rim? i feel like it might have been last year but i finally drew this lmao#sometimes it just takes a while. newt specifically gets under my skin tho bc i think his research interests r kinda similar to mine#at least in a broad sense. but im dealing with cyanobacteria which is less exciting to most ppl lol but any fanfic i read thats like: newt#has 6 phds im like fucking what? what r they in? they have to be literature based right?! when would u have time to independently design.#carry out. write and defend for 6 independent projects in different topics by his age?#what as waste of time. i say as a person who would happily fuck around and collect degrees without ever having to get a real job#idk characters i relate to make me a little unhinged bc i do not like to relate to characters lol#pacific rim#herman gottlieb#newt geiszler#newton geiszler#tw blood#tw gore#also i agree with herman abt the numbers quote. physics is like literally understanding the fabric of the universe so like yeah#also i cant draw hermann and i cant see his face without thinking of owen from torchwood who i hated lol#pacrim
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lead us not
#this comp is directly based on 'lead us not into temptation' by mucha. go look it up the piece looks so GOOD#just#head in hands. this is prob my last piece before the next lore drop so do w that what u will#just give iiiiin silver just follow malleus and trust in the dream worlds hes making!!! duh!!!1!1!!!1 DUH. (lying) (lying) (lying)#he knows BEST let him lead u towards a happy end for the next 1000 years of happy dream worlds. sobibng.#yea so the composition fucked so hard i literally HAD to draw something. im genuinely begging just go look it up. u gotta see my vision#twst#twisted wonderland#twst spoilers#book 7 spoilers#malleus draconia#twst silver#silver vanrouge#peep the other chars distorted af in the bg u cant see them well but i swear they were distinct originally#suntails#tumblr gets it first again. congrats u guys r my favs dont tell twitter
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im bout to do my physical media rant baybe i keep trying to find some of my favorite cartoons n shit on DVD and SOO many of them only have like the first season and maybe the second physically and IM LIKE WHAT you went ahead and made a DVD for this series but couldn't be bothered to do like??? the rest of it??? and i ALMOST understand it ya know you wanna release the first season and see if it sells well before going and doing the rest, but also that's dumb? i don't wanna own only ONE SEASON if im going to buy a dvd for a series esp one that's already finished, i want to be sure it's THE WHOLE THING i'm not going to buy just a lil bit im going to wait for the full series to buy it so i know when im rewatching i don't have to like stop half way through and go watch the rest of it ONLINE GRRR GRRR do the full series or don't do it AT ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!! im about to start buying bootlegs
#civetrambling#physical media#sorry i started collecting DVDs like last year and now im a nerd about it#just lIKE WHY#cant believe kipo age of wonderbeasts got a full series release on DVD but bojack fucking horseman didn't#i mean they are for very different people of course but like in the sense that they are both popular animated netflix series#like i was waiting for infinity train to fully release on DVD to watch it since i thought that would be fun but now im just gonna have to#fucking pirate it i GUESS#witch i dont have a problem doing but i like collecting things okay#love cartoon network for actually bothering to make good dvd box sets for their popular series you go kings#i need DVD bonus features or im going to die
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man
#maybe im being pessimistic abt this. im not saying u should wear a mask every waking moment of your life god knows i cant#but also. hell no i dont trust u if anything i distrust u ppl even more after how things played out for the past 3 years#like there are situations where it might be inevitable catching covid. most of my family members are nurses and in constant contact#but there are also a ton of ways to make that risk low as possible like masking and wearing a face shield and having sanitizer#for me its not enough to just say oh we're in a small group and we're all vaccinated#motherfucker your kid is sick from preschool EVERY TIME WE VISIT. of course ill be wearing a mask she gave me covid last year#also no the fuck it isnt seasonal the cases go up because lack of caution makes the virus spread and mutate especially around times when#ppl gather. add that with virus transmission in cold weather and its a matter of different factors increasing the risk of spread#im also tired of ppl not understanding that i wont be their responsibility if i do get sick. maybe they can help me recover#but at the end of the day the risk of death and long term health is all on me. i cant change that#the govt barely gives me accommodations what makes u think theyll do anything for every individual case of long covid or worse#im so tired. im so tired#i dont even know if its possible to want this to be over anymore i just wish we didnt have to deal with this in the first place#ALSO COUGH INTO YOUR SLEEVE SERIOUSLY HOW IS THIS SO HARD TO REMEMBER#oh its just a cold/dry throat its not like i have covid or anything. no!! its basic hygiene!!! how is this so hard to understand!!!!!!!!!!#and no this isnt abt whether people have the means to protect themselves this is me bitching abt my relatives not taking me seriously#vent#my art#myart#doodles#covid 19
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Been trying to make a thick winter hat all damn weekend and have gotten approximately nowhere very slowly.
First was gonna do some cables (good way to make a thick hat), but my brain is mush and I just couldn't get math and tension to co-operate. Then I figured, bit of single color brioche is also very thick. Can't do brioche anymore apparently, as it wasn't working. Fine, I'll just crochet it--except now it's not warm because it has too many holes. Also, I've been using a very dark yarn for this bc its what I have, but I'm starting to suspect that not being able to see my stitches has been the problem this whole time.
So...now idk what. I still need a thick winter hat. Also need a pair of mittens and a wheelchair blanket as well as to actually finish that wheelchair bag (even more important now bc I ripped a huge hole in one of my prototypes on Friday and I dont want to fix it). Augh. So much to do. So little brain and even less arm strength to do it with.
I'm going to rethink my yarn choices and try for the hat yet again, I guess.
#i have been SO COLD waiting for the bus this winter#and due to bus schedules im regularly waiting for over half an hour in the freezing cold in the dark multiple times a day#also i think i am just colder in general now which i suppose isnt surprising#so my cold weather clothes that were fine last year are seriously not cutting it now that im in a wheelchair#unfortunately im not doing much spinning due to . yknow. all of it. so im pillaging my handspun hand dyed sets#that i had planned for other things which i will probably not be well enough to ever make anyway#so whatever.#it sucks having to shift my mindset from 'i can spin whatever yarn i need' to having to cobble together what i have#not because i have nothing to spin but because my hands just cant fucking do it#whether thats just for now or whether its from now on is impossible to know but easy to guess#yeah idk man i was not prepared to lose my body but you just dont get a say in these things. at all.#disability#knitting#spinning
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much ado about pleasure
#bonk.png#undescribed#i was a teenage exocolonist#iwatec#iwatex#exocolonist#iwatex spoilers#iwatec spoilers#<- very vaguely in the art#hi i havent drawn stuff for exocolonist in a year n played it in two but been thinking about sol again v-v#lyrics from n obviously a redraw of real end of hatsune miku#sym was a fucking nightmare to drawn bc of how simplistic my style is while tammy was a lot easier bc she has more traits i draw normally#fun detail is that i basically drew sym n tammy's mouth n eyes the same way of like erasing a bit to make them look fuller/softer#anyway thoughts drew this bc whenever i personally think n play around with sol its almost exclusively when theyve been in the loop for so#long that they fundamentally cant separate themself from it or their other lives but the suffering caused by it has looped around#so theyre basically a normal functioning person outside of stuff directly related to the loop n a few things#n then like. they gotta be fucking weird about tammy n sym right? like sym for more obviously reasons cosmically linked whatever#but commonalities are 1. the only characters you cant lose affection with/2. always love sol no matter what#3. generally very positive sweethearts n 4. You Have To Watch Them Die At Least Once#so i think sol would be fucking weird about both of them like hating urself bc u unintentionally caused the deaths of everyone you care abou#t? dw! these two pink bitches (i know sym is purple) love you no matter what!!#very intentional that tammy is her child design her but sol's their teen design just bc thats my fav look of theirs#one last thing its more visible here but the way i draw sol's eyes is that their irises go over their lower lid i do this bc it looks weird
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Trying to court the maiden from the neighbouring farm please wish him luck 🤞🤞🤞
Alt version undercut lol
Also I am open for commissions :))
I didnt draw the BG duh I just grab it from the wild west episode and try to color match everything heehee :3
#i broke into CN former burbank studio many many months ago#and stole this cell from their vault#apparently S7 is real and he has a waitress girlfriend woahhh#ANYWAY AAAAAA I MISSED SELFSHIPPING SO FUCKING MUCH WAAAAAA 😭😭😭#this is my art from last year that I never ever posted here before and idk why! i posted this on my twt but never here its hilariousss#oh god i really truly missed them so much this school year has been extremely hard on me i just couldnt do selfshipping due to stress :(((#i just cant wait to he free so I can draw again like I seriously missed painting and drawing for myself and everyone zzzz#i hope you guys still liked me despite me not talking about any of my ship for months now :'(#asukart#selfship#selfshipping#selfship art#selfship community#selfshipping community#self insert oc#self insert art#self insert community#ppg professor#professor utonium
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fun fact about me is that despite me logically not caring about cc boundaries, emotionally i get really nervous about breaking them still cause i Hate being intrusive to anyone ever which in practice means that if a cc has too many/too strict public boundaries i just. dont wanna draw them. ever.
so anyways ive been hyping myself up to draw 4c for like 2 months now and thats just been going nowhere lmao
#mine.txt#so Technically ive been wanting to draw him and hesitating about it for longer than that#since october or maybe december last year i believe?#but for This specific drawing its been 2 months#i think#i dont actually remember how long its been lmao#basically its one where 4c is wearing mikus dress in the mesmerizer vid#and one of 4c's boundaries is to *ask him about drawing him crossdressing*#which. is fucking Wild to me#like.#I Dont Know You Bro.#why tf would i hit you up in dms going#''heyyyy so do you mind if i draw your cubito in a dress pretty pleaseeee its not weirdge i prommyyyy ^-^''#like. are you being fr?? are you being For Fucking Real Right Now????#so yeah i really wanna draw 4c but i just. Cannot get over that mental block rn i just cant
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incapable of taking a good photo
#so i just took whatever who cares!!!!!#artvsartist2023#artvsartist#i missed it last year rip. so i cant compare for then....#realising i gave law my eyebrows LMAO#anyway. this doesnt show u how much i drew anji but it does show u how quickly everything turned to op#i could do a separate fucking grid with just anji.#who is bookmarking this on twitter. dont do that dfgsgdafdf????#me#how are people choosing their pictures for this... i tried to spread them out thru the year
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.
#??????????????????#????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????#i dont know what to doooooooooooo i dont know what to do w my life.....#i dont wanna go to college im way too stupid for that and also its insane like#im scared i dont like anything enough to make it worth it. not even biology#thats like 5 years idk and i fucking hate school.... i think id kill myself if i had to go back to somerhing remotely similar#idk thats scary.....#my plan b was getting a job and i rlly tried but im a pussy . i only started to go out and do stuff like last year. and im an adult !!#i feel like i fucked something up at some point in my life cuz like this is insane#im stuck in limbo. like theres something wrong and its not the autism#bites a cinderblock bites a cinderblock#man im so fucking scared everyday i feel like im going insane . i cant even imagine me doing anything#theres something wrong w me cuz thats like not normal . i dont wanna die in my bed but everything else scares me#fucked up if true#uh#vent#its funny af tagging my posts w vent but i tag them so u can block them or whatever#FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKK IF ONLY REDBULL ACTUALLY DID SHIT TO ME . THEN ID BE FIXED#FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCKKKKKKKKKKK I JUST WANT AN ENERGY DRINK THAT WORKS PLEASEEEEEEEEEEE PLEASE GOD#PLEASE PEKASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
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girlhood
#i have to fly out to capetown to see mother and im literally debating if i could land in the morning and leave at night on the same day#like. anything longer than that is going to ruin my year.#when she called and did her “katherine. you have to be here on the 10th” i literally sobbed in my bed for the rest of the day 😍😍😍#not dyeing my hair black for a year and its getting lighter and lighter everyday and i look like her again#and my therapist telling me “you need to do things for yourself.” but like can i? sorry that woman traumatised me and i actually cant :)#like everything i do is informed by her#I'm going to go and just like everytime the only way to keep my sanity is to mirror her. talk and sit and speak and read and eat like her#and its such a terrifying experience bc i remember that im capable of emulating her viciousness and maybe i am my mother's daugher 🤢🤢🤢#and im going to come back and its going to take fucking months for me to feel like myself again#“oh you look so beautiful just like your mother” i hope you DIE lol !!! the fact that my conception of beauty was shaped by her#growing up with this cruel beautiful detached woman and realising that at the intersection of beauty and wickness is a lifetime of pain#and still being so desperate for her approval- for any metaphysical proximity to her that i felt elated when#people would tell me i look like her. that it meant i was also beautiful like her and maybe she'll love me a little for it#but now i know for a fact that i do look like her and it makes saliva swell under my tongue - that moment right before you throw up-#when people mention it 😍#last time i was in capetown my optic neuritis flared up (and i know for a fact it was that it was ms-stress related from having to see her)#and i thought i hid it so well even though i had near constant headaches & lethargy until she said “katherine give me the red notebook”#and i knew that she knew all along. it was so acutely humiliating standing there and knowing she knows i cant see which one is the red one#and she tilted her head and said “whats the matter? do you not know what red looks like?”#im never going to have kids. my mother and i read eachother so well it can only mean im never too far removed from becoming her#lol!!!!!!!!!
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love this part of my life where the things that are difficult but challenging and good for me are things i can stop and skip and halfass, but the things that are difficult and painful and pointless are the things i have to live with no matter what
#school and home life are too much to handle so i skip school#because i cant kick my parents out#and appartments cost money#and i dont have a car to sleep in#i could maybe try to dig up my old childhood tent but that brings a whole host of logistic questions + im scared and it's difficult#anyway. it's fine. it's cool. i just have to hold on until i graduate high shcool and then ?????#find a way to live without my parents money OR scholarships#all for some nebulous end goal of having a job (the only field i'm interested in and good at offers two options:#to become an academic#or to become a freelancer#i do not have the fortitude to be an academic and being a freelancer is convoluted and pays like shit)#i might've spent 24h without my parents occasionally if i spent the night at a friend's place once or twice recently#but besides that the last time i've gone 48h without my parents was when the mental health center organised a week camp uhhhh...#two summers ago#incredibly good for my mental health as you can see#god i remember like... years ago. around 13yo maybe or 14. a guy. i dont know if he was a mental health professional or like social cases#but anyway he told me ''you're too afraid to be away from mommy and daddy'' and it made me want to rip his eyes out#several other people have implied or suggested that too over the years and it's just#am i too dependant on my parents? yes. will it be difficult to take my independance? yes.#does it means i don't both rationally recognize and feel that this is really fucking unhealthy and hindering for me#on top of being unpleasant?#FUCK NO#i want out my guy. there's just not many opportunities for an already mentally ill teenager#now that i'm eighteen i have to grapple with the logistical problems of the money needed and how to continue my education#and im sure a billion more if i start searching a little more seriously#perhaps i should kill myself that way i don't cost anyone any more money#broadcasting my misery#vent
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Current count since I last slept: 41 hours.
I think I've capped out at 46 before, I'm not sure because my worst fit of insomnia had me in no position to check times. But I'll say 46. So if we hit 48 we're setting personal records!
#i do not want to actually be awake#my body just physically cant process stress#'oh zee why cant you be in a car?'#this. this is why#and you might think: 'oh this cant be because you were in a car!'#it is. it so totally is#and also stress#but mostly i blame being in a car#everytime i get in a car i get sick#motion sickness vertigo dizziness insomnia#my body is violently against automobiles#which is actually so annoying because i finally own one of my dream cars#and wanna know when i last drove my baby?#A YEAR AND FIVE FUCKING MONTHS AGO#Also please for the love of fuck do not suggest anything to help me sleep#i. have. tried. it.#when im dealing with insomnia like this the only way it stops is preceiotion strength meds or my body calms itself the fuck down#no teas no melatonin no meditating no lettuce water no hot milk NOTHING will work#and also even prescription strength meds dont always work when its like this i have woken up like two hours after taking some b4#when my body doesnt want to sleep it will not sleep#you can tell how little sleep im running on based on how unhinged these tags are
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I feel like i have the mob countdown going on in my brain and when it's filled i'll finally go read the dunmeshi manga.
#dungeon meshi#dunmeshi#for context: i strongly dislike reading manga#it just doesnt do anything for me personally as a medium#i can read a book i can watch an anime but if i gotta read AND watch still pictures at the same time my brain will just go on strike#idk why its always been like that#especially if its black and white#dont ask me#point is i can read webtoons just fine but manga sends me into my own kind of hell where ive been wanting to read the tokyo ghoul manga for#the last 10 years i kid you not but havent yet and probably never will cause i cant stand to read mangas#back to dunmeshi ive been seeing so many spoilers and discourse about anime vs manga that i might just try again and go look for the manga#but i wont make any promises about going through with it ive learned my lesson thank you#i just want to know what the fuck is up with falin and get more marcille in my life
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hi guys im still alive lol. havent been drawing too too much lately (depressions a bitch xd) but i do have a few things yay yippee!!!! i ended up doing a style study of sorts a few months ago (i dated em so yk when theyre from) and ive been trying to make this my new style bc i really like it (with some hiccups but hey. arts hard lol) so heres some pyrrlinas :-] (yes ik its a redraw (and u may have to zoom a little bc the croppings kinda. yeah.))
#913's art#ok to rb#♡ pyrrha alexandra#digital art#clip studio paint#self ship art#self insert#self insert community#wlw self ship#pyrrha alexandra#soulcalibur v#scv#//help i cant believe the last time i posted any pyrrlinas was in fucking april why has it been 4 months already STOP PASSING SO FAST TIME#//i need to fix my lack of drawing but. yk. what i mentioned above plus my usual pc imploded on itself and we've been stuck using an older#//that kinda sucks lmao.#//but mainly what i mentioned b4 is my issue. not really the pcs fault xd#//i have been trying though!! its just. really difficult @_@#//i did draw something yesterday though and i'll post that in a little bit!!!#//its very sketchy but i just HAD to color it you guys'll see when i do post it i prommy <3#//siiiiiiiiigh i love pyrrha u guys i love her so much u have no idea#//OH YEAH ALSO THE FACT IT'LL HAVE BEEN 12 YEARS SHIPPING WITH HER IN A FEW MONTHS??????????? WACK.
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