#last year... and i cant do it... i just cant fucking do it and i wanna kill myself i think about it every day i think about it 24/7 and
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y'all ain't gonna believe what I've been re-watching
#i can explain#south park#craig tucker#stan marsh#kenny mccormick#eric cartman#tweek tweak#its nice background noise okay#ive been listening to it these last few weeks while working on projects#doodles#i dont think its gonna go past me doing screenshot redraws / comic redraws of scenes#i just do these quick when the inspo bug hits / a scene cracks me up enough#its been uh 8 years and i still cant fucking draw tweek#jesus fuck its been 8 years
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telling myself to continue on like normal and write like normal but how am i supposed to do that when i know my world is ending in 24 hours?
tw for tags: i accidentally rambled on and aired out all my grief for my dog
#ive known since the moment we got the cancer diagnosis id be losing him#it doesnt make it easier#tw pet loss#ive experienced a dog dying unexpectedly and now a planned death#i have decided there is no death thats easy. you'll always wish it went the other way.#in 24 hours ill be loading him into my car one last time#ill be joking about how heavy he is as i lift my 'heavy baby' into the backseat#i'll be babytalking him the entire drive and nearly dislocating my arm just to pet him at the red lights for the last time#i bought him reese's peanut butter cups. because he loves peanut butter and deserves to taste chocolate before he goes#i got him all his favorite treats. been feeding him all the meals he'd beg for that id say 'dogs cant have'#i just. this is hard. im losing my baby. my best friend.#the 'aggressive' boy no one wanted for 2 years until i came upon him and said 'hes coming home with me'#people keep telling me i dont have to be in the room when it happens but how could i do that?#how could i leave him alone this last time (arguably the most important time) when the day i brought him home#i made the promise that he'd never be alone again?#how could i do that when every time hes sick he wants me near him? puts his head in my lap?#how could i when during my roughest times he protected me so fiercely?#the only time he's been anything but a gentle giant has always been when he protects me#how could i not protect HIM one last time?#im sorry. im in my feels. this fucking sucks.
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:-P
#how long ago did i watch pacific rim? i feel like it might have been last year but i finally drew this lmao#sometimes it just takes a while. newt specifically gets under my skin tho bc i think his research interests r kinda similar to mine#at least in a broad sense. but im dealing with cyanobacteria which is less exciting to most ppl lol but any fanfic i read thats like: newt#has 6 phds im like fucking what? what r they in? they have to be literature based right?! when would u have time to independently design.#carry out. write and defend for 6 independent projects in different topics by his age?#what as waste of time. i say as a person who would happily fuck around and collect degrees without ever having to get a real job#idk characters i relate to make me a little unhinged bc i do not like to relate to characters lol#pacific rim#herman gottlieb#newt geiszler#newton geiszler#tw blood#tw gore#also i agree with herman abt the numbers quote. physics is like literally understanding the fabric of the universe so like yeah#also i cant draw hermann and i cant see his face without thinking of owen from torchwood who i hated lol#pacrim
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lead us not
#this comp is directly based on 'lead us not into temptation' by mucha. go look it up the piece looks so GOOD#just#head in hands. this is prob my last piece before the next lore drop so do w that what u will#just give iiiiin silver just follow malleus and trust in the dream worlds hes making!!! duh!!!1!1!!!1 DUH. (lying) (lying) (lying)#he knows BEST let him lead u towards a happy end for the next 1000 years of happy dream worlds. sobibng.#yea so the composition fucked so hard i literally HAD to draw something. im genuinely begging just go look it up. u gotta see my vision#twst#twisted wonderland#twst spoilers#book 7 spoilers#malleus draconia#twst silver#silver vanrouge#peep the other chars distorted af in the bg u cant see them well but i swear they were distinct originally#suntails#tumblr gets it first again. congrats u guys r my favs dont tell twitter
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avoidance is my fucking doom man, i know i should go to class but i fucking cant get myself to
#i have. so many absences it's ridiculous to go right now i know it will be worse if i dont go i have to go#ive been just tossing and turning for like 2 hours with some freakign heart palpitations cause im so fucking scared#i was supposed to go last week and i didnt do it then either and every time i feel worse but i cant make myself go#AAAAAAAAA Im gonna die here i know i just have to force myself but i dont want to i want to stay at home which will fix nothing and#make everything worse in the long run#im aware of thsi but i still cant get myself to go idk what to do in this situation i feel horrible augh#i have so many absences I literally went once at the start of the semester and it's been what. 2 and a half months almost 3#i didnt do much for the class and i didnt go to class idk what to do.. theres literally no other way than to force myself to go#i KNOW I'll instantly feel better if i just stay home. i knowww i knowwww but its not going to help anything#i feel like shit and so ashamed and i just really dont want to go through this#FUUCK#im just#completely in panic mode rn. idk if i wont just try to go tomorrow idk if this is a bad decision im still just putting it off#im just totally by myself and cant even talk to anyone to calm down uauauhcgchdhd#im feeling pretty pathetic rn i should be able to do thisss i should be able to do this by myself#this is like self inflicted psychological horror and it's like every other day for me for many years now ouughh
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im bout to do my physical media rant baybe i keep trying to find some of my favorite cartoons n shit on DVD and SOO many of them only have like the first season and maybe the second physically and IM LIKE WHAT you went ahead and made a DVD for this series but couldn't be bothered to do like??? the rest of it??? and i ALMOST understand it ya know you wanna release the first season and see if it sells well before going and doing the rest, but also that's dumb? i don't wanna own only ONE SEASON if im going to buy a dvd for a series esp one that's already finished, i want to be sure it's THE WHOLE THING i'm not going to buy just a lil bit im going to wait for the full series to buy it so i know when im rewatching i don't have to like stop half way through and go watch the rest of it ONLINE GRRR GRRR do the full series or don't do it AT ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!! im about to start buying bootlegs
#civetrambling#physical media#sorry i started collecting DVDs like last year and now im a nerd about it#just lIKE WHY#cant believe kipo age of wonderbeasts got a full series release on DVD but bojack fucking horseman didn't#i mean they are for very different people of course but like in the sense that they are both popular animated netflix series#like i was waiting for infinity train to fully release on DVD to watch it since i thought that would be fun but now im just gonna have to#fucking pirate it i GUESS#witch i dont have a problem doing but i like collecting things okay#love cartoon network for actually bothering to make good dvd box sets for their popular series you go kings#i need DVD bonus features or im going to die
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IT HURRTSSSS FUCKKK
#AUEUEUAUEUEUEUAEUAUEUUE#SPOILERS IN THE TAGS BTW#YOU CANT JUST END IT WITH THE MERCS LIVING HAPPILY EVER AFTER. WITH SCOUT APPRECIATING THE READER#AND THEN. THEN HAVE THE LAST LINE BE#'DO YOU WANT TO LIVE FOREVER?'#FUCK OFF. FUCK OFFF#:(((#this game has been going so strong for 17 years and i genuinely believe tf2 will never die#god. fuck#my post
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man
#maybe im being pessimistic abt this. im not saying u should wear a mask every waking moment of your life god knows i cant#but also. hell no i dont trust u if anything i distrust u ppl even more after how things played out for the past 3 years#like there are situations where it might be inevitable catching covid. most of my family members are nurses and in constant contact#but there are also a ton of ways to make that risk low as possible like masking and wearing a face shield and having sanitizer#for me its not enough to just say oh we're in a small group and we're all vaccinated#motherfucker your kid is sick from preschool EVERY TIME WE VISIT. of course ill be wearing a mask she gave me covid last year#also no the fuck it isnt seasonal the cases go up because lack of caution makes the virus spread and mutate especially around times when#ppl gather. add that with virus transmission in cold weather and its a matter of different factors increasing the risk of spread#im also tired of ppl not understanding that i wont be their responsibility if i do get sick. maybe they can help me recover#but at the end of the day the risk of death and long term health is all on me. i cant change that#the govt barely gives me accommodations what makes u think theyll do anything for every individual case of long covid or worse#im so tired. im so tired#i dont even know if its possible to want this to be over anymore i just wish we didnt have to deal with this in the first place#ALSO COUGH INTO YOUR SLEEVE SERIOUSLY HOW IS THIS SO HARD TO REMEMBER#oh its just a cold/dry throat its not like i have covid or anything. no!! its basic hygiene!!! how is this so hard to understand!!!!!!!!!!#and no this isnt abt whether people have the means to protect themselves this is me bitching abt my relatives not taking me seriously#vent#my art#myart#doodles#covid 19
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Been trying to make a thick winter hat all damn weekend and have gotten approximately nowhere very slowly.
First was gonna do some cables (good way to make a thick hat), but my brain is mush and I just couldn't get math and tension to co-operate. Then I figured, bit of single color brioche is also very thick. Can't do brioche anymore apparently, as it wasn't working. Fine, I'll just crochet it--except now it's not warm because it has too many holes. Also, I've been using a very dark yarn for this bc its what I have, but I'm starting to suspect that not being able to see my stitches has been the problem this whole time.
So...now idk what. I still need a thick winter hat. Also need a pair of mittens and a wheelchair blanket as well as to actually finish that wheelchair bag (even more important now bc I ripped a huge hole in one of my prototypes on Friday and I dont want to fix it). Augh. So much to do. So little brain and even less arm strength to do it with.
I'm going to rethink my yarn choices and try for the hat yet again, I guess.
#i have been SO COLD waiting for the bus this winter#and due to bus schedules im regularly waiting for over half an hour in the freezing cold in the dark multiple times a day#also i think i am just colder in general now which i suppose isnt surprising#so my cold weather clothes that were fine last year are seriously not cutting it now that im in a wheelchair#unfortunately im not doing much spinning due to . yknow. all of it. so im pillaging my handspun hand dyed sets#that i had planned for other things which i will probably not be well enough to ever make anyway#so whatever.#it sucks having to shift my mindset from 'i can spin whatever yarn i need' to having to cobble together what i have#not because i have nothing to spin but because my hands just cant fucking do it#whether thats just for now or whether its from now on is impossible to know but easy to guess#yeah idk man i was not prepared to lose my body but you just dont get a say in these things. at all.#disability#knitting#spinning
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much ado about pleasure
#bonk.png#undescribed#i was a teenage exocolonist#iwatec#iwatex#exocolonist#iwatex spoilers#iwatec spoilers#<- very vaguely in the art#hi i havent drawn stuff for exocolonist in a year n played it in two but been thinking about sol again v-v#lyrics from n obviously a redraw of real end of hatsune miku#sym was a fucking nightmare to drawn bc of how simplistic my style is while tammy was a lot easier bc she has more traits i draw normally#fun detail is that i basically drew sym n tammy's mouth n eyes the same way of like erasing a bit to make them look fuller/softer#anyway thoughts drew this bc whenever i personally think n play around with sol its almost exclusively when theyve been in the loop for so#long that they fundamentally cant separate themself from it or their other lives but the suffering caused by it has looped around#so theyre basically a normal functioning person outside of stuff directly related to the loop n a few things#n then like. they gotta be fucking weird about tammy n sym right? like sym for more obviously reasons cosmically linked whatever#but commonalities are 1. the only characters you cant lose affection with/2. always love sol no matter what#3. generally very positive sweethearts n 4. You Have To Watch Them Die At Least Once#so i think sol would be fucking weird about both of them like hating urself bc u unintentionally caused the deaths of everyone you care abou#t? dw! these two pink bitches (i know sym is purple) love you no matter what!!#very intentional that tammy is her child design her but sol's their teen design just bc thats my fav look of theirs#one last thing its more visible here but the way i draw sol's eyes is that their irises go over their lower lid i do this bc it looks weird
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fun fact about me is that despite me logically not caring about cc boundaries, emotionally i get really nervous about breaking them still cause i Hate being intrusive to anyone ever which in practice means that if a cc has too many/too strict public boundaries i just. dont wanna draw them. ever.
so anyways ive been hyping myself up to draw 4c for like 2 months now and thats just been going nowhere lmao
#mine.txt#so Technically ive been wanting to draw him and hesitating about it for longer than that#since october or maybe december last year i believe?#but for This specific drawing its been 2 months#i think#i dont actually remember how long its been lmao#basically its one where 4c is wearing mikus dress in the mesmerizer vid#and one of 4c's boundaries is to *ask him about drawing him crossdressing*#which. is fucking Wild to me#like.#I Dont Know You Bro.#why tf would i hit you up in dms going#''heyyyy so do you mind if i draw your cubito in a dress pretty pleaseeee its not weirdge i prommyyyy ^-^''#like. are you being fr?? are you being For Fucking Real Right Now????#so yeah i really wanna draw 4c but i just. Cannot get over that mental block rn i just cant
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incapable of taking a good photo
#so i just took whatever who cares!!!!!#artvsartist2023#artvsartist#i missed it last year rip. so i cant compare for then....#realising i gave law my eyebrows LMAO#anyway. this doesnt show u how much i drew anji but it does show u how quickly everything turned to op#i could do a separate fucking grid with just anji.#who is bookmarking this on twitter. dont do that dfgsgdafdf????#me#how are people choosing their pictures for this... i tried to spread them out thru the year
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Hey I'm graduating college in may and I just kinda realized that I'll be Done Done with school after that. Not fake-done like I was graduating high school, where I'd have to go to college at the start of the fall. And not fake-done like I was in any of my semesters I took off.
Done Done. As in I accomplished my degree, and I won't ever have to go back to school if I don't want to. What a beautiful, beautiful thought.
#speculation nation#i enjoy learning but not in school. school is the soul killer. there's a reason it's taking me 10 years to get my bachelors.#failed classes and switched majors and part time school (so i could work and pay my way thru) and semesters taken off...#for 9 and a half years now it's been a fucking shadow hanging over my head.#just gotta keep going just gotta persevere. slow and steady wins the race.#and well im nearly there now. holy fuck tho i didnt miss full time school lmfao#i went to part time a few years back to save my fuckin self bc it was just *impossible* to do full time school And work to support myself.#and even part time school plus a job was horrible. but i did it anyways.#and here i am now with my lovely life insurance from my awful paternal death. life sure happens as it will huh.#which will let me complete school in a neat 10 years. graduated high school in 2015 and college in 2025. wild.#not glad my dad died but im grateful that ive gotten this opportunity afterwards.#sure is strange the ways life goes.#anyways yeah im in deadlines hell rn with all these fucking projects but ONCE I FINISH THEM#i will be done with this semester. my second to last semester.#theyre releasing class schedules today for next semester too and im a little antsy. cant edit until next week regardless#but i wanna KNOWWWWW what i got. best case scenario i get my 3 classes i need to graduate#plus my orchestra and bowling. so i have a full 12 credit hours. to be full time still.#im scared of not having gotten 3 classes bc theyre selectives yea so i dont need These classes Specifically#but also it'll be a pain in my fucking ass if i have to go scrounging. and i wanna have my first choices...#but we'll see. i selected several fall-through options and i dont need any single specific class to graduate.#so long as i have 3... thatll be enough...#AUGHHHHH college!!!! im almost done!!!!! i might get straight As this semester!!!!!! exciting!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#i need to email my professor about setting up the book meeting lol. i should do that today.
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#??????????????????#????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????#i dont know what to doooooooooooo i dont know what to do w my life.....#i dont wanna go to college im way too stupid for that and also its insane like#im scared i dont like anything enough to make it worth it. not even biology#thats like 5 years idk and i fucking hate school.... i think id kill myself if i had to go back to somerhing remotely similar#idk thats scary.....#my plan b was getting a job and i rlly tried but im a pussy . i only started to go out and do stuff like last year. and im an adult !!#i feel like i fucked something up at some point in my life cuz like this is insane#im stuck in limbo. like theres something wrong and its not the autism#bites a cinderblock bites a cinderblock#man im so fucking scared everyday i feel like im going insane . i cant even imagine me doing anything#theres something wrong w me cuz thats like not normal . i dont wanna die in my bed but everything else scares me#fucked up if true#uh#vent#its funny af tagging my posts w vent but i tag them so u can block them or whatever#FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKK IF ONLY REDBULL ACTUALLY DID SHIT TO ME . THEN ID BE FIXED#FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCKKKKKKKKKKK I JUST WANT AN ENERGY DRINK THAT WORKS PLEASEEEEEEEEEEE PLEASE GOD#PLEASE PEKASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
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currently at That Point which occurs once every few months where one briefly begins pacing around the house teary eyed contemplating selling their own organs or becoming an online scammer or getting on anxiety meds so you can bear the risk taking required to be a hitman or so on and so forth.... why must everything so Expensive... Surely all would be healed in life if only I had one big plate of lasagna and a simple loan of $40,000 ... auoughhh....
#And then you just eventually shrug and go 'welp. nothing i can do i guess' and sad cartoon music plays as you shuffle back to your room#It's just hard with my specific physical and mental issues since it's like.. I couldn't really handle most jobs. I can't handle school. I'm#100% aromantic and asexual so I'll never get married so I can't get money that way. I have too much issues with social cues#+ too nervous temperament + too low energy to put effort into lying and having a fake relationship just for money. so on and so forth etc.#Really I should have just been born into a middle class family. Which I guess everyone says. but ESPECIALLY considering my#chronic conditions kind of hampering my ability to function 'normally' or be Independent in a regular way. I'm always going to be#in some way sort of beholden to the whims of people around me who I must depend on. so... well of course they might as well have been rich#lol like that would have been better for me of course.#AAANyway... Just thinking about another stupid fucking climate change summer... months keep going by so fast.. soon it will be so again#And it's like such SMALL things would make drastic improvements for me. Literally if I just had a place with central AC#then like 75% of my issues with summer would vanish instantly. literally. But instead it's like.. having a cheap hot apartment + only#half functional dinky window ac + my illnesses that make me heat sensitive + living in a part of the country that keeps getting hotter +#inability to leave the house much meaning I can't just go spend time in a cooler place etc. all factors which combine together to make#it just utterly miserable for MONTHS and mentally draining. And literally ALL I would need to fix that is just...#have a place with central AC that works.. (or move to a colder country/area but that also takes money. Or just not have illnesses#that make me heat sensitive. but that I can't control). etc. etc. I guess it's just the nature of the constant background frustration of#being part of The Masses under our current manifestation of unmitigated capitalism. Such minor details would make such huge#quality of life improvements and yet will remain ever out of reach. ONE little thing could change your whole life but you can't even have#that. so many 'If only' scenarios. etc. And of course obviously I am incredibly thankful just to have anywhere to live at all. food to eat#. any sort of stability whatsoever no matter how fragile it feels/is. But that still doesn't make it not frustrating occasionally to look#around and see how relatively little would have to change in order for you to be a decent percentage more comfortable and yet#how still far away even those ''small'' seeming goals are. etc. etc.#Seriously think I've been traumatized by the summer or something somehow lol like thinking about it being warm weather eventually#makes me nauseous with panic. It's just SOOO much labor. micromanaging windows and fans and blocking every ounce of light#and not being able to cook (cant even afford a single degree of temp increase due to the stove) for months and barely being able#to sleep for months and the claustrophobia of days on end crawling out of your skin because it doesnt even get cool enough at#night to offer relief so you're just always feeling trapped.. hgrhh...#It starts getting hot here sometimes in May but mostly June then lasts through October now.. thats like half the year almost.. ARghhH#anyway... If any extremely rich person reading this would like to buy me an air conditioned house in exchange for multiple years worth#of art (I will paint murals on all of your grand dining halls and make all the custom sculptures you could ever want etc) then.. hewwo :'3c
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girlhood
#i have to fly out to capetown to see mother and im literally debating if i could land in the morning and leave at night on the same day#like. anything longer than that is going to ruin my year.#when she called and did her “katherine. you have to be here on the 10th” i literally sobbed in my bed for the rest of the day 😍😍😍#not dyeing my hair black for a year and its getting lighter and lighter everyday and i look like her again#and my therapist telling me “you need to do things for yourself.” but like can i? sorry that woman traumatised me and i actually cant :)#like everything i do is informed by her#I'm going to go and just like everytime the only way to keep my sanity is to mirror her. talk and sit and speak and read and eat like her#and its such a terrifying experience bc i remember that im capable of emulating her viciousness and maybe i am my mother's daugher 🤢🤢🤢#and im going to come back and its going to take fucking months for me to feel like myself again#“oh you look so beautiful just like your mother” i hope you DIE lol !!! the fact that my conception of beauty was shaped by her#growing up with this cruel beautiful detached woman and realising that at the intersection of beauty and wickness is a lifetime of pain#and still being so desperate for her approval- for any metaphysical proximity to her that i felt elated when#people would tell me i look like her. that it meant i was also beautiful like her and maybe she'll love me a little for it#but now i know for a fact that i do look like her and it makes saliva swell under my tongue - that moment right before you throw up-#when people mention it 😍#last time i was in capetown my optic neuritis flared up (and i know for a fact it was that it was ms-stress related from having to see her)#and i thought i hid it so well even though i had near constant headaches & lethargy until she said “katherine give me the red notebook”#and i knew that she knew all along. it was so acutely humiliating standing there and knowing she knows i cant see which one is the red one#and she tilted her head and said “whats the matter? do you not know what red looks like?”#im never going to have kids. my mother and i read eachother so well it can only mean im never too far removed from becoming her#lol!!!!!!!!!
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