#fucking do this... every day im dragging myself kicking and screaming to school and dealing with a 4 hr round trip commute in the shitty ass

[hanniiesuckle17]

Love > Shame

A/n: im hoping i got the request right! Hope you all enjoy! (this is not thoroughly edited srryyyyy) also like frick ^^this video his vlog is the most boyfriend thing ever

Word Count: 4.3k

Warnings: cussing, partial nudity

Requested by: @ann0325441904​

Tag List: @distrikt9​ @mini-meanhoe​ @poeticallyspaghetti​ @hanstagrams​ @desertofdessert​ @yangomangos​ @hoes4hoseok​

Summary: Sometimes timing isn’t the best. With tensions high at work for Jisung and your time of the month really kicking you in the ass, a fight breaks out between you and your boyfriend leaving you completely alone in a country far away from your old family and friends. Misunderstood problems turn to jealous and catty fights. Is there any way the two of you can come back together?

Genre: romance, angst, fluff

◈

Pain shot through my abdomen. It was like someone was sticking eight thousand needles into my stomach repeatedly for the sole purpose of fucking with me. Fuck womanhood. The pain meds I took earlier were doing nothing to help. This was putting me in a terrible mood. 

The sound of shower running floated from behind the closed door of the adjoining bathroom. My longtime boyfriend, Jisung, lay just beyond it. It was easily one o’clock in the morning, but I always waited up for Jisung to return home from practice. He had also come home in a rather sour mood. 

Deciding that the leggings I was wearing were far too constricting to sleep in with cramps, I got up and waddled my way over to our big closet. Jisung and I both had enough clothes each to fill an entire apartment so when we were apartment hunting, a big closet was a must. 

I threw the pants in the hamper and grabbed one of Jisung’s t-shirts from his side of the closet. The soft black fabric fell around my thighs. Why Jisung bought shirts four times than his actual size was still a mystery to me. The pressure on my stomach lessened but still remained. 

The door opened to reveal a shirtless Jisung emerging from the bathroom. A pair of gray sweatpants hung low on his hips, the fabric making a swishing sound as he walked. It was clear he was still upset. Jisung roughly towel dried his hair, rubbing the cloth over his dark locks. “You still upset, babe?” I asked looking over at him. It took all my willpower not to snap out the words. He shook his head and looked over at me with a pointed glance. “You wanna talk about it?” 

Again, Jisung shook his head. “Ji, it’s not healthy to keep this bottled up. I think you might feel better if you would talk about it.” An aggravated sigh left his lips and he laid back on the bed. 

“Y/n. I’m fine. I don’t want to talk about it.” 

It was hard to watch Jisung so upset. I walked over and laid next to him, trying to ignore the agonizing pain. My fingers traced random patterns against his stomach. The action usually calmed him down. However, he simply turned his head away from me tossing the towel somewhere else in the room. “Jisung, its not good to go to bed angry-”

“Babe, just leave me alone and stop being such a clingy bitch.”

I froze, hand hovering over his stomach. Silence hung heavy in the air. It seemed Jisung had no intention of taking back what he said. He didn’t even seem like he regretted it. “Excuse me?” I said sitting up in disbelief. 

I felt like screaming. Crying. Throwing everything in this room at Jisung’s little pimple head until it popped. “What?” He said rolling his eyes. Wet black hair hung in front of his vision. 

“Did you just....”

“Just get over it. I want to go to bed.”

“Get...over it?” I scoffed getting up from the bed. 

“Yes. You’re overreacting. Just get over it.” I shook my head in disbelief. This was not the Jisung that I knew. This was not the Jisung I was in love with. The boy who ran in the rain with me just to capture the perfect kiss on our first date. The boy who sent me love notes every day for two months until I agreed to go out with him. The one who stayed with me when my aunt died and I was too heartbroken to leave the bedroom since I couldn’t fly home for the funeral. The one who never went to sleep until he told me how much he loved me whether I was awake to hear it or not. 

“Look I get you’ve had a shitty day. But I’m not just someone you can push around Jisung. You know that.”

He sat up, clearly annoyed. “I’m not pushing you around!”

“You called me a bitch!”

“Well, you’re kind of acting like one!”

“Well, you’re kind of acting like an asshole.” Jisung rolled his eyes, pushing himself off the bed. Anger started to bubble up in my chest. “What the fuck, Ji?” 

“Look- I don’t owe you anything okay! All I wanted to do was come home and get to sleep. I don’t want to deal with all your nagging.” 

“Jisung I care about you. I love you! I’m just trying to help.”

Nothing seemed to make it better. Eventually, I stopped trying to be the good guy. I stopped trying to keep my voice quiet. If he was going to yell at me, then I would yell back. He couldn’t just walk all over me. My emotions broke loose along with the rest of hell. 

“I WORK ALL DAY! ALL YOU DO IS SIT ON YOUR ASS AT HOME ON YOUR COMPUTER. I’M TRYING TO PROVIDE FOR THE TWO OF US Y/N!” 

“SIT ON MY ASS? I’M TRYING TO GRADUATE JISUNG!”

“Listen I can’t deal with you anymore.” He said turning his back on me and looking out the window. The muscles in his back were tight and tense. “Just fuck off, Y/n.”

I couldn’t take it anymore. The pain in my stomach was just making me even angrier. “That’s it. Get out.” Jisung turned around in shock. He started stuttering and trying to form a coherent sentence. “You heard what I said. Out.” My finger pointed to the door furthering my stance on the situation.

“Y/n-”

“Get out, Jisung! Go sleep at the dorms.”

He started gathering his things, tugging on a random hoodie and slipping on some socks from the dresser. “This is is exactly what I was talking about.” He mumbled. Jisung stood up, clearly pissed off. He started towards the bedroom door but stopped and turned back until he was standing right in front of me. His wet hair was covered by a beanie, pushing it all in front of his eyes. “You know what, Y/n? Call me when you decide to stop being such a heartless bitch.” 

My hand flew across his cheek before I could even think. What surprised me...what hurt me....was that I didn’t regret it. Jisung stood in front of me, shocked, his eyes looked hurt. His doe eyes which I loved so much always told me what he was thinking. But, as they stared back at me, I didn’t recognize them. 

“I hate you...”

He sighed seeing a tear leak onto my cheek. His long fingers wrapped around my wrist, but I pulled away before he could get to close. His cheek was starting to turn red from when I hit him. “No...you don’t.” I looked away not wanting him to see me cry. Of course, he knew I was lying. There was nothing he didn’t know about me.

“I should....I should hate you...” He made no effort to reach out to me again. In all honesty, I didn’t know if I wanted him to right now. I wanted to push him away, but I also want him to hold me until everything was okay again. “Just go.”

After a moment, he nodded and I followed him to the front door. He picked up his keys and walked out into the hall, leaving me standing in the doorway. He turned back to me, like he was going to say something else, but stopped when he looked into my eyes. 

“Don’t call me,” I said, the last tear falling down my cheek as I shut the door.

◈

Two weeks had passed. It looked like Jisung and I were on a break. Whether it was temporary or for good I didn’t know. My hand brushed over Jisung’s side of the bed. The sheets were cold. They were never cold. Sunlight streamed in through the large glass window in our bedroom. Well...it wasn’t really ‘ours’ anymore. I sat up waiting for arms to pull me back down under the covers. Arms that never reached out. 

Mornings like these were usually spent in Jisung’s arms staring out at the skyline trying to convince him that he did indeed have to go to work. Lazy kisses, sleepy whispers even though no one else was in the room but us. There were no calls. No texts. Not even a fucking post on Instagram. Nothing. 

All my friends were back home. I was alone in Seoul. No one but Jisung. There was a knock at the front door. Dragging myself out of the queen size bed, my feet trudged over the wood floor in the apartment. I looked through the peephole only to find a huge stuffed bear looking back at me. 

“The fuck...” I mumbled. My fingers switched open the locks and opened the door. The teddy bear moved aside to reveal a face that made me burst into tears. “DANNY!” I screamed wrapping my arms around him.  

Daniel had been my friend practically since birth. We grew up next door to each other. Our parents even bathed us together. Daniel hugged me tight spinning me around in the hallway. It felt so good to see him again.

I would not have made it through high school in my home country if Danny hadn’t been with me. I had missed him so much. As most old friends did, we had dated for about six months in senior year but decided we were better off as we were before. Daniel was a sight for sore eyes.

“How are you here?” I asked cupping his face.

He smiled down at me. Even though he hadn’t had a growth spurt since the ninth grade it seemed he had sprouted another five inches. “I’ve been planning to surprise you! With finals coming up I knew you’d be busy, so I came down so we could party beforehand.” He ruffled my hair and moved past me into the apartment. “So, where is he? I want to meet the man officially!” 

Daniel looked around the quiet apartment before turning back to me expectantly. Jisung. He was looking for Jisung. Just the thought of him made me sad. Danny’s smile fell seeing my expression. “Y/n, what’s wrong?” He brought me further into the apartment and closed the door. “Did I say something?” 

I shook my head and ran a hand through my hair. “Do you want some tea?” Looking for anything to distract me I moved to the kitchen and put a kettle on the stove. Before I could turn the switch, a hand came over mine.

“Y/n, did something happen with you and Jisung?” 

He sighed watching me nod. The silence only lasted a moment before Daniel pulled me into another warm hug. The feeling of his arms around me was comforting, but not fulfilling. There was something missing about the way he hugged me. 

My hair. Every time Jisung hugged me, one of his hands would always hold my head to his chest. His fingers would stroke my hair, lingering at the base of my neck. It was a small thing. A very Jisung thing. But, a small thing I missed none the less. I felt empty without his fingers threading through my hair.

“You know what we should do?” I hummed in response as he pulled away, keeping his hands on my shoulders. “Let’s go drinking!” Daniel was always dragging me on wild adventures. He could never sit still. That’s probably why we never worked out. While I loved a good adventure, sometimes I wanted to just sit with a good book, or just lie in bed listening to the rain. 

“Fine. But, you’re paying.” He cheered and rushed off to go change and I found myself doing the same. Hopefully, I could get Jisung off of my mind.

◈

My eyes looked across the room from over the rim of a martini glass. The heels of my shoes lay firmly hooked over the bottom of the bar stool. “What happened anyway?” Daniel said over the thumping music. He sat next to me at the bar of the nightclub we were in, taking a swig from an overpriced bottle of beer. 

A sigh floated past my lips. My fingers traced the base of the elegant glass. “We got into a stupid fight. I regret almost everything. If I wasn’t on my fucking period I probably wouldn’t have acted so rashly. It wasn’t all my fault though. He’s the one who called me a ‘heartless bitch’.” Daniel spit out the beer he was currently drinking. 

“He what?!” 

“He was just angry.”

“That’s no excuse.” 

I sighed, rubbing my temples. “If it helps I did slap him.” Daniel let loose a little smile and took another sip from his drink. “He had a really bad day. He wouldn’t talk to me. I was just trying to help.” I watched Daniel’s brows furrow. The base of his beer bottle was rolling around the bar top as he thought. 

“Do you remember in sophomore year, I had just gotten into a massive fight with my parent about school and I wouldn’t tell you anything about it.”

“Yeah. It pissed me off. You clearly needed to vent. You ended up punching Marty Finch in anger the next day.” 

Daniel laughed before turning towards me again, eyes serious. “Well, I was too ashamed to talk to you about it. Then, I mean. You were always much better than me in school. I didn’t want you to think less of me because I was having so much trouble with something so simple.” I stared into the clear liquid in my glass. “What I’m saying is...he may have felt like you would have seen him as less of a man if he told you how he was feeling at the time.” 

Daniel reached over and took my hand in his, laying it on the bartop. “He still didn’t have to call me a bitch though,” I said with a sad smile on my lips. 

“Yeah, no. That was a fucking asshole move.” My friend glanced down at my now empty drink. “Another gin martini, dry.” He said to the bartender, who removed my empty glass. Daniel scanned my face. It was hard to hide the depressing way I was feeling. “You really miss him don’t you?”

I nodded, looking away from him and out into the club. “I really do. Danny, I miss him so fucking mu-” I froze. I must be imagining things. My eyes must be lying to me because there was no way I was looking at Jisung sitting on the other side of the club. His arm was draped around a girl with dyed hair. Her hand was squeezing his thigh as he whispered something in his ear. His eyes met mine.

There was a flash of something. Sadness? Guilt? Longing? But, it disappeared before I could question it. Daniel followed my gaze, tapping his finger against the back of my hand. “What’s up? Who is that?” Anger started to boil in the pit of my stomach. Maybe not anger. Anger wasn’t a good word. It hurt more than it made me angry. Jealousy. Jealousy is what was eating away at my insides as his hand played with her hair. 

Danny looked over at the man who used to be mine with a curious gaze. “Jisung,” I whispered, turning back and downing the new martini in one gulp. The alcohol burned the back of my throat distracting me from the stabbing pain in my heart. 

Daniel started to get up, fury in his eyes burning like white hot flames. My hand stopped him from doing something he would later probably not regret at all. “Y/n- are you kidding right now? I’m gonna kill him!”

“Danny, stop. Let’s just go.” 

I took his hand in mine and dragged him away from the bar. The air around me felt heavy. Like I was up on a mountain. Pushing away the pain in my chest I dragged my friend away from the club, not feeling the pair of doe eyes on my back. 

◈

The drone of the television played through the apartment. It was raining outside. It had been raining since the night of the club about four days ago. Daniel sat on my couch, my legs across his lap. A half empty bottle of wine sat on the coffee table and a fully drained one lay next to it. Much alcohol had been consumed in the past few days between the two of us. Daniel; to make me feel better. Me; to forget about the hurt I felt in my chest. 

A light buzz was hovering in my brain as I took another sip from my wine glass. “I know that now is probably not the time,” Daniel said, changing topics. “But, I had a question to ask you about Marin.” 

Marin was Daniel’s girlfriend. She was quite possibly the sweetest person I had ever met. Daniel was lucky to have her. “Oh no. What did you do? You didn’t run here to escape from your fuck up did you? Danny, she’ll kill me! I like being alive!” He laughed patting my leg a few times.

“No. Don’t worry. I wanted your advice.” 

“Hit me with it, baby,” I said drinking the rest of my glass dry. 

Daniel set the glass on the table, turning to me. “Is two and a half years too soon?” I pouted my lips and looked out the window. The view was still immaculate without Jisung next to me. It just felt...lonely even with Danny here. 

“Too soon for what?”

He sighed, that familiar cheeky grin popping onto his cheeks. “I want to ask Marin to marry me.” 

“GET OUT OF TOWN!” I screamed. He laughed when I started squealing. My hands slapped at his shoulder. My little Danny was going to get married. 

He rubbed the back of his neck. “I came to Seoul to ask for your advice. And also to ask if you’ll be my ‘best man’ of sorts.” 

“Are you kidding? Of course, I will!” I jumped up from the couch and poured us both more wine. “Have you asked her dad?” He nodded taking a sip of the sweet alcohol. 

“So you think I should do it?”

“Fuck yeah, I think you should do it!” I stared at Daniel with a smile on my face. I could remember when he had gotten his long-legged ass stuck in a baby swing at the park for three hours before we had to find a pair of bolt cutters and run off with the swing. “I cannot believe you are getting married! My little Danny!”  I said leaning over and wrapping my arms around his neck, carefully making sure not to spill my wine. 

The sound of the front door opening had me pulling away from my friend. My eyes widened as Jisung stepped through the door, keys in hand. His stare moved from me to Daniel then zeroed in on my hand still on his neck. 

“Jisung-” I shot up on my feet setting the wine on the table. 

He scoffed closing the door, shoving the keys in his back pocket. “Don’t let me interrupt your date. I just came to get some things.” Jisung’s voice sounded like music to my ears despite its cold tone. He wore a pair of old ripped pair of black jeans I hadn’t seen since we started dating and a baggy white shirt. His usual noir beanie covering his dark hair. 

Daniel awkwardly tapped on his wine glass and watched as Jisung traveled into the bedroom. He looked and me before nudging his head towards the door. I mouthed a few choice words to him which resulted in a silent argument. 

“One of us is going to go in there, and if I do he’s walking out with a black eye and some missing teeth.”

“Oh please. You know he could kick your ass with his hands tied behind his back,” I whispered. 

“Why can’t you date less athletic people? I’d like to be able to defend your honor.” He started pushing me towards the bedroom with his foot. He groaned when I resisted. “Y/n, it’s obvious you're miserable without him and he doesn’t look too happy either.”

Taking a long deep breath, I turned towards the open doorway. My whole body went numb as I took the short steps into the room. Jisung stood at our closet, a bag open on the bed. His head turned hearing the door close behind me. 

“Don’t worry. I’m just getting some clothes. I didn’t think you’d be here.” He tossed a hoodie into the bag, not meeting my eyes. I watched him pack for a moment. He clearly felt uncomfortable under my stare. “I’m going to be out of your hair soon. You don’t have to watch me like a hawk.”

“Don’t leave,” 

His movements stopped, his back away from me towards the closet. An almost perfect replication of the night he left. His fingers twitched as if he was debating putting back the shirt in his hands. 

“I’m a little tipsy, but I’m sober enough to know that if you walk out that door....I’m going to lose you forever.” 

My eyes searched for any sign for me to continue, but his face stayed hidden from me. Jisung dropped his head but stayed silent. I watched his fingers tighten over the fabric in his hand. 

My hand reached out, afraid to touch him, but longing to feel him again. His head turned feeling the brush of my palm on his arm. “Jisung,” He sighed hearing his name. “Please don’t leave.”

Jisung turned around, looking down at me. “I saw you.” He whispered. I saw tears pricking at the edge of his eyes. “I saw you. At the club. You were with the guy in there. I saw you walk in together.” He searched my eyes for something I did not know. 

“So did I; I saw the girl.” He sighed, head falling into his hands. “Did you-...God I can’t even say it.” He winced when I tried to laugh through the awkwardness. “If you did-...we were technically on a break so... I have no right to be mad at you.”

“Even if I did, I would feel terrible if you weren’t.” 

Jisung looked at me with sincerity. “You didn’t sleep with her?” He shook his head, staring down at me. Just one look into his big doe eyes told me he was telling the truth. 

“She kissed me after you left, but I stopped her.” I couldn’t help the smile slipping onto my face. Jisung nodded towards the door before speaking again. “Is that your new boyfriend?” 

“Danny? Hell no. He’s my best friend from back home. He came to visit.” 

“Oh, thank God,” Jisung said in one breath. His hands reached for my cheeks smashing his lips against mine. My fingers gripped the fabric of his shirt tugging him closer to me. Jisung kissed me as if he was afraid I would disappear the moment he let go of me. His lips danced against mine, desperate to be with me again. I pulled away resting my forehead against his.

“Well...I mean technically...we dated in senior year, but that was a long time ago.” 

He nodded, fingers threading through my hair as his lips returned to mine. I was just as hungry for him as he was for me. He smiled feeling me push him backward, without breaking our kiss. He laughed quietly when I moved him into the open closet instead of a wall. Jisung straightened himself up before taking control and pinning me up against the doorframe. 

“Wait,” He said breaking the kiss, smiling as I chased after his lips. “Didn’t you say you lost your virginity your senior year.” He asked looking into my eyes, brows furrowed.

“Umm...shhhh. This is about us, yeah?” 

Before he could say anything else about Daniel, I kissed him again tugging off his beanie and running my fingers through his soft locks. He broke away and nuzzled his face in my neck, arms wrapped tightly around my waist. “I’m so sorry, baby. I was a total ass. I should never have said those things.” 

“No, I’m sorry. I regret everything that happened. My emotions were all wack because of my period.”

“Well...I did deserve that slap.” 

“Maybe a little.”

“Hey!” He laughed, letting me know he wasn’t really offended. My thumb brushed over his cheek as I looked up into his eyes. “Y/n, I’m so sorry. I was too ashamed about what had happened that day to talk about it and I took it out on you. Can you forgive me?”

Leaning up, I kissed him gently savoring every moment. “Jisung, I love you. You never have to be ashamed to tell me anything. I love you unconditionally. Even when you leave coffee mugs all over the house. Even when you forget to pick up groceries when I ask you eight times in an hour.” He laughed resting his forehead against mine. “My love for you is greater than any mistake you could make or problem you have.”

“You are so cheesy.”

“You love it.” 

“I love you,” 

Jisung tilted his head, leaning down for another kiss. This one was slower, more careful. A knock on the door pulled us apart. Danny stood in the entryway, drinking from his wine glass. “So I’m assuming you will need a plus one on the wedding invite?” He said with a smile. 

“Jisung?” He closed his eyes and smiled hearing his name from my lips. “Would you go to a wedding with me?” He nodded, kissing me on the cheek. 

“Would love to, baby.” 

Daniel walked over and reached over to shake Jisung’s hand. “Nice to finally meet you,” He said with his goofy, lopsided grin. Jisung warily looked him up and down but smiled and shook his hand. “You want to be a groomsman?”

“Depends. Did you fuck the love of my life when you were eighteen?”

“JISUNG!”

“WHAT?”

◈

Requests are open my lovelies! Just send an ask!

Masterlist

[averyonelovesjack]

cheering up ~ zach herron

requested: yes 

Y/N is all alone on the anniversary of her parents death so while she was at the park she is getting kidnapped, but she sorta lets the stranger take her because than that means that she could see her parents again, but the boys help her and than she starts crying and she tells them that they should've left her, but they try to cheer her up. Zach x reader plz <333 

summary: left to her own devices, (y/n) gets unfortunately kidnapped. after scaring away the kidnapper, the why don’t we boys attempt to cheer her up through the terrible day of memories

warning(s): ***TRIGGER WARNING*** kidnapping, cursing, suicidal thoughts, graphic detail

word count: 1920

I felt numb as my feet dragged along the cracking concrete. Whether or not my pain was visible, i didn’t care. It wasn’t an easy thing to do, to go on after what happened last year. there were days where i felt like there was nothing left to do, nothing left to see, nothing left to love. days where my thoughts would scavenge my mind, thoughts that allowed me to join them. and then maybe i wouldn’t feel so alone all of the time. 

But then I’d think about my grandma and my friends. And even if I wasn’t the biggest part in my friends’ life, I was all that my grandma had left. Her husband died all too many years ago, and my mother was her only child. Despite the terrible situation she was in, somehow another tragedy occurred and took the lives of my beloved parents. 

Sometimes I can almost feel the pain they were in on that day. The impact of the tail light of the car slamming directly into the side of the car my father was driving on, impaling him in my heart and letting the blood drain out of his lifeless body. And sometimes the excruciating pain that the airbag had sent my mother when it slammed into her head and knocked her unconscious. The way she leaned forward and it nailed her directly in the forehead, causing her head to flip backwards and sent her neck into a snapping position that left her no chance of recovery. 

Have you ever been the sophomore with the dead parents? The tenth grade girl who had to relive her parents death every single day when kids would pass her in the hallway and murmur apologies as if that would help me? 

I didn’t know what to do with myself today. Although the murmurs had died down, the memory of my parents lived forever in me and days like today, the anniversary of the first year spent without them, didn’t make life any easier. It didn’t make moving on and continuing to become the smart and successful girl that my parents had always imagined me as easier. My grandmother wanted to spend today with me, but instead she had to travel to visit her own aunt who is currently ill in the hospital. 

My feet stopped moving by themselves as I reached the exact spot that I’d planned on stopping. The park bench. Flashbacks of days from my childhood slipped into my mind as I took a seat on the bench and closed my eyes, taking in the scent of the flowery fields that were just a few feet away. There was a wooden playground that was highly unstable and should’ve been taken down years ago, sitting in front of me, but no kids played on it. No kids were ever playing on it. The park was practically empty, too. 

No nannies with babies, no mothers and fathers with children, no middle school students with their ‘boyfriend’s and ‘girlfriend’s. Just the flowers, the bees, the wood, and me--

Fear struck my body as a hand gripped onto my throat. I couldn’t see what was going on, but pressure was being heavily applied as a raspy voice behind me began to speak, “scream and i’ll fucking kill you” 

i wanted to squeal, but nothing came out. what could someone possibly want from me? who could possibly be out to get me?

I whimpered in pain as the person lifted me by my throat, the glove’s fabric scrapping my throat as he forcefully shoved me to the ground. i couldn’t see his face, but it was a man for sure. the way he stood, with his confidence in his activities printed all over his body and the way he spoke to me, his voice was deep and raspy. the shape of his body also helped me determine that he was a man. 

my eyes searched from the ground of the park, the grass in my hair, to the sharp blade held onto tightly by the strange and violent man who intended harm upon me. another whimper left my mouth as an agonizing pain traveled from the nerves in my stomach to my brain and i squirmed into a ball, trying to hold the throbbing area of my body as defense. my body squirmed again as a shooting pain was sent through my spine as i groaned and cried out. 

“what’s a pretty girl like you doing all alone on this side of town?” the man laughed evilly and i remained silence, gripping my stomach at the pain that continued to ring through my body. 

i studied the strange mask that covered his face, but in doing so the man got angry and used his large arms to lift my light body up by my arm and continue to shove me forward, forcing me to move.

it got to a point of pain where i knew he’d let up if i went along with him. just let him take me with him. what is the worst thing that could happen? he tortured me and then didn’t even put me out of my misery? maybe he just needed a good kill and then he could move on with his life. maybe i’m his good kill. 

there’s no point in my life on earth anymore. and this would be a way out without having to slit my own wrists or down several of my grandmother’s pain pills or buy a gun and shoot myself. my grandmother wouldn’t have to live with the guilt of not supporting me enough and i could join my parents.

i could reunite with them and not disappoint them. i’d suffer for a little bit with this guy, but then i’d be given my one wish. maybe it’s just easier to let him take me.

in that moment, my feet stopped kicking and my hands stopped moving and my lips stopped quivering. i walked easily with him, letting him pull me towards a white van that was quite obviously suspicious. i was near shoved in when a couple of shouts came in the distance.

i mentally begged that they didn’t care about me or that the man shoved me in and drove away quickly. but instead, the voices grew nearer and nearer and i felt the man start to panic. he quickly dropped my body to the ground, my legs weak as i collapsed against the dirty ground. 

footsteps came closer and closer as a gust of smoky gas winded me and i heard tires screech down the street. i coughed out loudly, my body frail as i was surrounded by a couple of boys who had concerned looks on their faces. 

two or three of them were running after the van, i could hear them, but they stopped after the man had turned and they’d lost sight. the other two were leaning over me, reaching out a hand for me to take. 

i felt absolutely disgusting as i tried to stand up but gripped my stomach in pain. i cried out and the boys who sat next to me looked worried, “jonah, go call 911″ 

i shook my head vigorously as the tallest boy took out his phone, “s-stop”

“hey, are you ok? take it easy” the boy that looked oddly like the strange musical.ly kid that i had always hated asked me. i shook my head at him, trying to stand up again but my body had yet to create enough energy.

“i-i-i’m fine” i told the boy, “leave me alone” 

“you were nearly just kidnapped, hun. this needs to be reported and you need to go to the hospital” The boy with the curliest of hair told me and i rolled my eyes.

“call me hun again and i’ll kick your balls in so far that you can taste them” i threatened and i looked to see the other boys holding in a laugh, “why can’t you guys just mind your own fucking business?” 

“you were about to be kidnapped. do you understand how serious that is?” one questioned.

“it’s not your job to save me. i would’ve been fine” i tried not to let my emotions get the best of me, but in that moment I was suffering from the trauma of what happened one year ago and what happened one minute ago and i couldn’t help it when the tears slipped out of my eyes.

“you could’ve been seriously injured by that guy. there is no playing with kidnappers. they could kill you” 

“and you couldn’t just let that happen? could you? you couldn’t let me go without the note? you couldn’t just leave me there to deal with it myself?” i questioned them before realizing how obvious i had just made everything.

“hey, hey. love, what’s your name?” the shortest one who reminded me of the famous asshole asked.

“(y/n)” i spit out, wiping a tear from my eyes.

“ok,  (y/n), i’m zach. this is jonah, jack, daniel, and corbyn” he introduces, “let’s go sit on the bench for a minute, ok?”

i didn’t want to trust him. to trust that he was there to help me, but my instincts beat my brain and i nodded my head slowly, allowing for him and the boy introduced as corbyn to help me stand up. 

my body was weak as they helped me over to a bench, “what are you talking about?”

“it’s nothing” i mumbled, “i’m fine and everything’s fine” 

zach shook his head at me, “you just admitted to five strangers that you wish that the man who had attempted to kidnap you had killed you to make everything easier. something about that doesn’t seem fine”

“way to be sensitive, dumbass” The curly haired jack flicked Zach on his forehead, which made me laugh a little bit.

“oh my god, jack shut up” Zach told him, “i’m serious, (y/n)” 

“im serious. it was a moment of weakness” i tell him, “today’s just a hard day for me and i let it get the best of me” 

“you look like you could use a little cheering up” Daniel told me, a small smile appearing on his face as i worried. this could be completely terrible.

the boys got into a huddle and i laughed at their little game plan like situation before they had suddenly reassembled themselves into a line.

i looked up to see Daniel start singing to me first, “hey good lookin how you doing? hey good looking how you doing? hey good lookin, what are you doing to me, to me, to me?” 

I laughed at the five boys who each had a beautiful voice that complemented each other nicely. The odd part was that it did make me feel a little bit better, the way they danced around a little bit, singing for me a little bit. It was strange though, at the same time. how’d they all know the words and parts to a random song.

“that was beautiful” i clapped my hands a little bit, “why have you guys rehearsed that enough to get it perfect” 

“well, we’re sorta in a band together” Zach explained to me, “we’re called why don’t we, and we formed about fourteen months ago” 

“sing me another song, then” i smiled up at him, my tears drying up on my face as i looked at the boys in front of me. 

that zach kid was really something special.

[sorryparis-forihavesinned]

Addicts.

I’m my own therapist. I solve my own issues and realize the reasoning behind myself. I didn’t really have a childhood, unlike my brother and sister. They grew up in a neighborhood, they had my grandma longer than me, they had friends, my parents had a steady income and my family were together all the time. It seemed that when I was born everything went to shit. By the time I was born, my father was a full fledged alcoholic and pill head. My grandma died and my family fell apart. We went bankrupt and we never had enough money. I didn’t have many friends and when I did, they didn’t like me, for multiply reasons such as, I was too quiet, weird, dumb, fat, ugly, annoying or obnoxious. I was never really a child either and every time I tried to be a kid I was criticized or ridiculed for it. So, I always kept my mouth shut and thought too hard before I spoke, which I believe just added to my crippling anxiety today. I hate, absolutely hate looking dumb or fucking up. I try to not look or sound dumb so much that I just end up being dumb because I’m panicking over it constantly. I was always looked down on for my interests or things that I thought were funny. To this day I don’t even know who I am, I never did. If I had all the money in the world, knew people and was 21, I’d be down the same road my father and brother are down. Sometimes I am scared to see what is going to happen when I turn 21. I love alcohol, always have. It runs in my family. It numbs me and lets me have confidence, people like me when I’m drunk and I like that. I crave it, I’ll admit. If I go a month without drinking, I crave it, I want it. Once I start drinking I can’t stop until I am physically sick or passed out. Alongside my love for alcohol, I love my Xanax. Another thing that numbs me. I have so much fucking anxiety and it’s just getting worse by the year. I toss and turn every night and wake up with an anxiety attack. I can’t talk to people, I can’t fucking function without something. My head is constantly racing and I can’t stop it. I don’t want to end up like my father and brother, I know I won’t but it is a fear sometimes. 

Other than my own battles, my brother is gaining weight and I’m scared for him. He can’t stop and he never could. Whether it be alcohol, pills or heroin he can’t stop. Coming back down to Florida was depressing. The only reason why he came with us was to avoid the cops. He had stolen things from a woman at the place he work at and his friend threw him under the bus. I don’t know if it’s still heroin, I do know that he takes all his Suboxone that is supposed to last him a week and my father gives him his Lyrica. The whole drive to Florida, he couldn’t stop nodding out or falling asleep. I never thought I would see my brother like that. Never in my life did I think he would end up the way he did. Out of myself and my sister he had the best childhood. He was so smart, people loved him, he had so many friends, he played sports and was good at them, he had his family, my dad hardly hit him. And then all of the sudden he changed. Got to high school and started to drink which isn’t uncommon for a teen but it just spiraled. I always stuck up for him though. I don’t have a relationship with my brother, I never did. But I fucking love him so much and I think part of it is because I looked up to him and I always wanted a relationship with him. I knew the drinking was out of control but I just looked at is as a teen experimenting. He was still smart, he was still going to college. And then prom weekend happened his senior year and he got home, sat in the car with my sister at 7am and said, “ i did everything, i tried everything and i love it”, that’s when coke and pills become a thing. He did everything, loved Percacet the best which turned into heroin.

I live a life where the only two men in my life has taken everything and destroyed it. They’re killing themselves and we can’t do a single thing. My sister snapped me the other day of my father sobbing and he was listing off our names saying how he has killed us and when he got to my name he broke down. My relationship was broken once I found out my father was on H. I remember I would lay in bed thinking of scenarios and I remember always saying to myself, “if he ever got hooked on heroin, I would never talk to him again” and then it happened. At, first I wasn’t surprised, I didn’t even cry. The whole time, we all thought it was pills but it was really heroin. I tried, I tried so hard to continue my relationship with him, but it just never worked. I lost all respect I had for him, I lost memories of my childhood and don’t even remember how he was before the drugs. 

_____________________________________________________________________

It’s taken me about two months to write this and a lot of changes have happened.     

We got kicked out of our house again, for not paying rent as usual. But I’m not to blame for that, my mother is not to blame for that and my sister is not to blame for that. Every beginning of the month my brother and father would come up with some lie as to where the money goes then come home tell my mother rent has been paid then by the middle of the month my dad is screaming at her that he never said that rent was paid nor do they have the money to pay rent. He drives us all insane and won’t listen to us when we call him out on his fuck ups. I’ve had enough of this life and I’ve had enough of them. 

I walk this fine line of supporting addiction, and sticking up for those who are addicted and being disgusted by people who just want to shit on these people and preach how they want addicts dead. I hate that shit and disagree with all of it. But then there is this other part of me who just can’t support my brother and father anymore. I can’t be there for the, I never could I guess. You really don’t understand addiction until you live with it I guess. I thought things would change after my dad went to rehab but he came back worse, he relapsed multiply times, supports my brothers addiction by buying him the drugs, still hides and steals money. I hate my father because every time we tried to help, every time we tried to talk to him, we are the ones getting blames, we are the ones getting screamed at and threatened. That is why I can’t be by his time, I don’t respect him and I don’t love him. We have lived this life for so long and yet they aren’t tired of it, so they keep adding to the shit making everything worse. And, I understand you just can’t get off of heroin, but we have tried so many things to help but they keep threatening us, taking my mothers money, my sisters money and my own and spending it on god knows what. we got kicked out of two homes now because of them. 

I love my mother so much, she is the love of my life but I get so frustrated with her and fight constantly. I wish she would just leave them because there is only so much you can do to try to help. My father has shat all over her life, dragged her down and made her into nothing. She thinks she is strong for sticking around and dealing with this all but I actually think she is weak. She is too weak to leave him and this lifestyle. too afraid. I don’t know why she puts up with it. I don’t. 

A couple days ago my sister found my fathers rehab journals, read them and told me what they said. He admitted that he has stolen, robbed, and cheated. cheated. 

I despise cheaters, they disgust me. And, I know damn well he got prostitutes, which is more disgusting. My mother’s reasoning for sticking around is because, she “made a vow on her wedding day”. she cares more about this fucking marriage than my father and I wish she didn’t. I am so angry more so than when I found about the fucking heroin. thats how much i hate fucking cheaters. i hate him, i hate him so fucking much. he is nothing to me just like we are nothing to him. he sold his wedding ring and cheats. Like there was no reasoning to fucking cheat, he isn’t a woman prostituting herself for drugs. he just did it to do it and that’s what hurts. I care too much about my mother and he did this to her and that is so disrespectful and disgusting. if you’re just going to cheat and sell your wedding ring so easily, then they obviously means you don’t love the person you married so why keep this woman in this endless fucked up loop? just divorce and leave and never come back! I can’t even look at him, I am so angry. 

the only reason why i ever want to go home now, is not to see my family anymore, but just to get away from heat of florida, to get away from the homework and kids. i’m planning on moving out this summer to boston with my friend and working. I can’t live home and work because then all my money would go into my fathers pocket. and they drive me insane, it is such a toxic environment and im just trying to leave that, and better myself. i’m done with my father and i just hope the best for my brother.