#I can barely move some days
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#hhhh#another stupid. vent post#been a while but mostly I've just been too tired to write it down#is there like. A fun quirky way to say i wanna kill myself still#....no probably not#anyway. i do.#im... im still in that day program thing#partial hospitalization. It's a good program. Lots of classes and very judgement free#sadly i cannot help but feel I'm. doomed to failure#because i need so much higher a level of care than this#i. frankly i should be put in a nursing home#that's probably the level I'm at#it all hurts. so much. everything does. my body my mind trying to think trying to talk trying to type#everything hurts either physically or mentally#I'm tired and exhausted all the time#I can barely move some days#I'm a massive financial burden on the people who love me#and i can't really do anything but play videogames to distract myself and then vent endlessly to people who reach out#....if you see this and reach out#i apologize if i don't end up replying#I'm overwhelmed lately#i just can't keep up#and can't help being lonely as fuck despite that#....but i do read it all#every message i get i read. and i cherish. And i forget because of my adhd but when i read it#i feel good for a minute#......so.....#..if you've reached out before...thank you#...if you plan to now.... I'm about to sleep so i may not reply but#....thank you
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The deleted scene is so funny like, I'm sorry, but some woman comes sauntering up to Colin like, "I bet you could take care of me." And Colin replies, "I think it's clear you can take care of yourself, now if you'll excuse me, I have some brooding to do about my future wife, who I love."
And fucking LEAVES lol.
And I'm sorry what do you MEAN Fife sent the woman over to "test" Colin, betting that he would cheat??? Why is Fife secretly a super villian but only to Colin and Penelope? And why didn't we see more of that?
#fife has some kind of beef with either Colin or Penelope and we will probably never know why#but it is extremely funny#the idea that Fife saw either Colin Bridgerton or Penelope Featherington one day and was just like “lifelong enemy acquired”#meanwhile Penelope barely thinks about him and Colin moved on from his toxic bachelor squad SO fast#fife in a super villian meeting#talking about how he can take Polin down#meanwhile everyone in his friend group is increasingly put off by this behavior#damn it now I want to write something about this#bridgerton#polin#Penelope Featherington#Colin Bridgerton#lord fife
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I occasionally wish to reach out to old friends/acquaintances I haven't spoken to since high school/some other even earlier time in my life, but I have SOOO little social energy even for required tasks (like making dr phone calls or etc), I never have any leftover for extra ones, and it would be very odd to message someone I haven't spoken to in like 5 years out of the blue but then take 4 entire months to respond back lol.. My natural curiosity with nostalgia/collecting details of the past/etc. (literally if I were born a little earlier I would definitely do scrapbooking or something lol) is very strong, but, alas, not strong enough to beat out the Social Issues Demons apparently
#facebook always does that 'here's a post from this day 8 years ago' thing. and I see old comments interacting#with people and it's so like.. OOOOO~~ where are they now?? what's going on? how much have they changed as people?#how much are they the same? this is fascinating. i should contact them!!' but then it's like... take that to it's logical conclusion though#you would contact them and then IF they even responded it would take you 80 years to respond and then they would#think there was something wrong or that you were trying to be insulting or something. To contact anyone I need to include an 85 page#disclaimer of all of my social issues & mental illness things. 'If i take 3 weeks to reply I promise it has nothing to do with u' etc lol#THIS is why more people need to be into phone calls/voice calls/some form of audio real time communication/etc.#I think one of the main things that's hard about messaging through text for me is it's so unscheduled and open ended#(plus it takes forever if you're talking about anything in detail and gets very long very quickly)#because like you can send a message and then just get a reply whenever. and then you're expected to reply back whenever#so it's like you never know when the response will come or when a new obligation to reply can come up? so it's like this sudden thing with#no outline?? if that makes sense. whereas a phone call is very like 'hello let's schedule a call from 10am - 2pm on thursday'. And you know#EXACTLY when the interaction will start and EXACTLY when it will end and you can plan around it in your schedule easily.#I have the reverse thing of a lot of people (how people don't pick up phone calls/hate calls/only text)#I would literally talk on the phone with a stranger. I would have a discord voice chat with someone I barely know.#if someone I hardly even remember from elementary school asked to have a voice call with me out of nowhere I would do it.#but if a stranger MESSAGED me?? or someone I barely know sent me a TEXT or something?? I will never reply probably#It's just too vague and weird. and you can't read voice tone over text. and the interaction could last forever with no clear end#point and etc. etc. But a call is like. set. established. clear boundaries. you can read the flow of conversation better. rapport. etc. etc#I get that I guess people feel more anonymous or distanced over text?? but you can have fake phone numbers on the computer. or do like disc#rd calls. or zoom without a camera or etc. etc. Also the distance that's present in text is BAD distance because it just means that tone is#not conveyed properly and you will never truly get a sense of the person's conversational vibe or mannerisms or how well you really click.#ANYWAY ghgjh...... I'm so so so interested in concepts of like.. How did that one kid I used to talk to in elementary school#but then they moved away in 5th grade - how did they end up? what are they doing now?? etc. etc. Like despite the severe social anhedonia#and general lack of connection with others I'm just really fascinated in like.. idk. the human development of it all and like#the concept of how we're actually a million different people through the course of our lives ever evolving in different iterations and etc.#PLUS again. i love nostalgia. sometimes old peple you know might remember a shared memory or can tell you about something you forgot#or etc. like it's SUCH A COOL THING in CONCEPT but I am too socially inept generally speaking lol. which people I still talk to today are#familiar with my 'phone call once every few months' communication style. but strangers would just be like... wtf. And I don't blame them#Sure I literally cannot change the physical health + brain issues i have - but also I know enough to not put others through that lol
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some men are textbook villains fr
#tw religion?#kinda need to rant.. kinda wanna explain what's going on#some ppl are part of humanity but don't know how to be humane... like the guy i started talking to almost 2 weeks ago#liked him a lot bc he was funny sickeningly sweet mature and understanding.. until he was not#tl dr version is that we somehow drifted to the topic religion and i told him im not too religious and don't believe in superstition much#i was extremely respectful and even when he said that he does believe a lot i was like 'thats cool!! different people believe in different#things!!' and at first it was a normal convo until man went all psycho on me (after one damn week!!!) and started talking about how#id have to be religious in a relationship with him.. my dude i barely know your fav food can we not talk about relationships yet#but he says he doesn't even need a woman who cooks/cleans just someone who believes.. n im like i get it but i can't change myself like that#and then guy moves to marriage and is all 'well my entire family is religious' n my mom and sister (who's 16) would be putting pressure on#you n force you to pray etc.. and I'm like???? who can force anyone to a thing like that are u kidding#things escalate and my absolute STUPID ass tells him about my deepest fkn trauma to explain what made me abandon religion bc#life just never got better and this trauma remained for yrs... and he gets so angry that he says he wants to stop talking to me just to spam#me all day next day.. he'd keep messaging me switching between 'i still want you we shouldn't throw this away i have feelings for you'#AFTER A WEEEEEEKKKK!!! and then goes back to 'i wasted my time with you you were so unnecessary im in a bad mood bc of you'#even said 'you'll never find a guy with a trauma and mindset like this. i will find a religious girl but no one will love you like that'#and the worst thing is that he told his friends and mom about the trauma i had just to spite me.. note that he promised to never tell anyone#(and then still asked for forgiveness and for me to rethink whether we want to end this after telling me 473626x he wanted to end it)#(nothing even ever started you bitchass)#also note that his mom knows my mom n basically most of my relatives.. so i was here trembling for days fearing they'd get to know about it#mom somehow convinced her to not tell anyone bc it's important to me and very very fucking personal..#but he harassed me all day - i wouldn't answer and he'd send 55 messages.. multiple missed calls like dude i got so fkn scared#my heart jumped whenever he texted he was so fkn aggressive and SO MEAN#'you just needed to adjust and we would've been okay' 'tell me are u gonna fkn be religious or not????' 'you ruined everything' kinda mean#i just :') it was the worst time and i don't think i've ever seen someone degrade me so much or make me feel this defective#but.. it's finally over. his mom called my mom and mine was like pls teach him some manners.. n since i couldn't and wouldn't text him back#and literally avoided whatsapp bc of him she ended it all for me and now it's hopefully done forever#anyway i saw jks gcf performance yday n him singing still with you put a genuine smile on my face.. ill stick to THAT boyfriend honestly lol#def gonna delete later#but ty for reading if u did <3
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first art post of the new year!!! granted, i don't share my art here that much anyway, but– shhh.
hehehehhhooo,, here's something i've been working on for 'bout a month,, albeit not consecutively– took a few,, very very long breaks in between working on this,, but i managed to finish it in the end! am i satisfied with it? .......ehhhh? not completely, but if this took any longer, it might not have seen the light of day, so like. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯.
anyway,, made a little poster for my favorite fic, tommyinnit's services for villains, vigilantes, and various other vagabonds, by @scorpionoesit!!! it's really really good,,, and i've always wanted to make more art for it,, so i decided– poster! at least,, that's what it's mean to resemble,,, dkdmkdmdkd.
i will freely admit,, i'm... not the biggest fan of the fan-made logo i tried to design for it,, feels a bit boring, and could definitely have used a bit more pizazz, something to make feel more like the fic itself(what does that mean? you figure that out),,,, but– again, steam was running low,, dkdnksjs. graphic design is my passion. i do also have other complaints, but i'm afraid i already punched my one-use self-critique card,, oh well,,, dkdnkxjdkd.
regardless,, even with the flaws only i can really see,, this still turned out pretty okay!! hope you enjoy it, mx. scorpio and mx. alibi!!! and i hope everyone else has a wonderful new year!!!!
#my art#dream smp#services for vagabonds#tommyinnit fanart#tommyinnit#i don't wanna try tagging the rest of them so i'm just not gonna <3#anyway wrow i wonder who the skull guy and mysterious shadowy figure are....... could be anyone.#i was gonna try and fit in some sort of hero so i could check all the dots of everyone tommy's help#specifically either dr**m (derogatory) or phil#(was mostly leaning towards phil)#but 1) couldn't figure out a way to make it look good with the current set up#my first thought was to try moving the current characters around a bit; but then it would feel too crowded#my second thought was to have them appear from the smoke; somehow? a smoky figure?#but that only really looked good in sketch form and i didn't have the patience to figure that out properly#and 2) no clue what their designs look like. don't even know what their powers are; yet!#was also wanting to fit fundy in but it didn't work for the first reason#fun rapid fire character design facts: niki has a littol sharp tooth 'cause of the joker stuff!#i originally gave tubbo green eyes;; but i decided blue-green looked cooler#tech– [cough] i mean;; *orion's* cloak has a faint lil orion pattern on can barely see it but it's there i assure you !!!#(i tried my best for his design but i am. not the greatest at outfits;; especially hero/villain ones)#tommy has long hair bc it's *MY* art and *I* say he gets long hair. this definitely isn't canon to vagabonds i just like to do this#<- also why michael and tommy have freckles#tommy has a bit of green in his design(through the patch) due to a theory of mine :D#might have over-rendered the hair a bit but. fuck you i like it#anyway i think that's all i have to say about it? if you've actually read all these tags;;; have a cookie -> 🍪#pretend it's a peanut butter cookie#actually. no pretend it's both. you get two cookies. as a treat.#anyway have a good rest-of-your-day !!!!!!
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hate going for christian weddings sometimes because i always see the prettiest women with the ugliest men, the sermon is always some shit about wives being slaves (but not like bad slavery, mutual slavery except the husband is a benevolent master which makes it okay) and making babies for their husband, the music is always lame, the mc is always weird and obnoxious, and older women keep fucking asking me when it's gonna be my turn and never take no for an answer.
#mine#personal#brief storytime in the tags#one of my family friends got married and i was happy she was happy#her parents are like an aunt and uncle to me#i was happy to share that moment with them#we cried and laughed together#and my friends#their other daughters were on the line and looked gorgeous#it was just beautiful watching us all grow up in a way and move on to “the next” together#BUT#im a pastor's kid#and my dad loves weddings#he drinks them in whenever he can now especially because they make him happy and he's had to attend a lot more funerals this year#he's been burdened a lot by how many people he's had to bury and how many hospital visits he's had to do#so i was happy to see him happy too#it just all felt so bittersweet to me#because i know how badly my parents want this for me and for themselves#there was a daddy-daughters dance at some point and i could feel my dad beaming beside me watching that#and i was a little sad about it because i was like im never gonna give you that#this could be the best thing i could ever give you and i will never give you this#i can never kneel at an altar in front of a pastor and swallow that sermon#i would never marry a man in my generation#if i married a woman you and almost the entire tent filled with people that watched me grow up would not attend#my happiest day would be another funeral for you#it was worse because im kind of a small celebrity in this community because of my parents and their siblings who are politicians#so people i barely knew kept coming up and asking me when it would be my turn and how they so looked forward to the day#and i was like i love that we're a community here and i missed the pestering of aunts since i left church#but at the same time i was glad to remember why i left#there is no freedom to be myself at all with them because all they do is project their beliefs and ideas on me because that's what children
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Ok so I’ve combed through the CIA documents like twice already and like… Guys, the gateway tapes *can* help u shift BUT they don’t *shift* you *for you*. This is why they’re called gateways - the focus levels are states you can enter and then shift from via your own efforts
#sorry my posts on this aren’t aesthetic I rly don’t care#robert monroe#gateway tapes#reality shifting#law of assumption#astral projection#if the gateway tapes aren’t your cup of 🍵 then move along#hell they barely did it for me until I realized this#once u learn to enter the focus levels independent of the tapes then u can freestyle/go with your own flow#the most important focus levels are F10 - F12 - F15 - F18 - F21#focus 15 from my personal experience is perfect for yeeting yourself into the void state#also if the thought of the tapes intimidates you just listen casually while you’re doing something else#these are actually much shorter and much simpler than most of the guided meditations like Alunir for example#unsurprisingly all the focus level numbers are also some of my Angel numbers#like every single day for nearly a year now I usually catch the clock on like#10:10 or 11:10 or 12:12 or 2:15 or 3:10 and 6:21 and#I don’t think it’s a coincidence it happens too often and too ‘perfectly’???#oh well I hope this post helped *someone* I’m out ✌️
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Thinkin about merperson shark max and marine biologist daniel
#cold water shark merperson max in the north sea swimming along the Dutch shoreline#marine biologist Daniel on summer holiday with uhhh Oscar and Logan to Amsterdam#but daniel drags them to the coast to nerd out abt the different sea life there#and sees a cool shark dude jumping out of the water and biting a seal and dragging it down and gets obsessed#the next day daniel brings a tub of raw meat or something to the beach and waits for the shark dude max to return#max and some other merpeople in the area (more of the drivers)(the french & english & germans & Kevin) surfacing to start a hunt#and max instantly swims towards the People Who Hurt Us Place bc he smells fresh meat#while like Esteban and Pierre try to hold him back#daniel throws the meat wad out to the water as he sees the shark dude approach#but max jumps up and catches it midair and lands on top of daniel while monching the shit out of it#Daniel’s excited but stays calm even when Max starts biting his legs bc he knows sharks use their mouth to explore new things#freaking out the other people on the beach and Oscar and Logan who think he’s a maniac#underwater communication is through body language (& sonar but that’s for other fancier merpeople) so Max can’t quite talk to daniel#but there’s a few translation guides on merpeople body language of all areas on earth#so daniel can bare his teeth and scrunch his face up and move his arms in a way that max understands#so now Max becomes obsessed with him because there’s a human from the People Who Hurt Us place who can actually talk to him#and daniel cancels the rest of his summer break plans to learn everything he can about his shark dude#including what happens during mating season#lol#but my mind is going off and I gotta dump it somewhere#maxiel#max verstappen#daniel ricciardo#mv1#dr3#em fic posting#I shoulda put this in the post itself and not tags
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"I def have adhd lol I just feel so hyper today" "isn't adhd just being quirky/loud?" "everyone is a little hyper/distracted" "this is the new tik tok trend"
#okay I used to be one of those people who would be like. no way I have it I'm not doing things all day and I don't get distracted by#squirrels or some shit like that#but I've since learnt I'm in fact hyperactive. badly actually. it's no bueno#my body bounces off the walls but it still can't catch up to my brain#I always had innatention and memory issues but I thought that was just me being an idiot#also the other day I literally forgot what I was talking abt bc of a fucking squirrel so there ya go ig#adhd#also no need for you to be moving all day to be hyperactive your brain can go off without your body syncing to it idk how to explain#anyway I think this was it all along you guys#the shit that was destroying my life was fucking adhd all along#the reason I couldn't hold a job or study or friends#the reason I could barely function the same as my friends who didn't even try#and wonder where I went wrong
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i need to get back to my silly gilmore girls ficlet-writing ways
it's been two years
ENOUGH OF MY WEIRD & UNNATURAL GILMORE GIRLS SILENCE
#like ........ what's going on?!?!?!?!#time also moves at a speed so swift i can barely fathom it these days#so that's a big part of it#gonna try to do some halloweeny ficlets since of course autumn is gilmore gilrs season#if anyone has any particular autumnal/halloweeny gilmore girls fic prompts feel free to throw them my way!#dollsome's deep thoughts
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finally finished all of one character's entire quests/optional dialogue/questions/etc.... 100,000 words... .... aughhh
#Given some of it IS lines of code and stuff but like.. minus all that it's still probably at least 85 - 95k words hhhhhh#AND I have to do this for another 3 characters. Then a few partial quests for 3 others. THEN the other random misc stuff in the game#(like there are public areas in the city like a park and a forest that you can go and do a few things at. and chat with a few random#townsfolk that aren't actually full characters or anything. And there's a community board where you can#browse some of the random job advertisments or silly things that happen to be posted around#and also pick up a few odd jobs of your own to help earn coin to buy gifts for the npcs. etc. etc.)#Originally I was thinking like 'ah I'll make a short little game just to try it out! :3 It'll take maybe a few months!''#haha........................hee hee........................................hoho#Also evil that it would have been done already if I didn't totally drop itand stop working on it for like 5 years randomly#i could have made 5 years of steady slow progress gradually. instead of like 'one initial idea dump + about a month of art and writing'#...... 5 year break..... 'sudden mad dash to try to get probably 400.000 words written in a year or less' lol#I just really want to be done and have something out there already so it can lead to doing other things in my world..!!!!!! T o T#Like this can be an introduction and then maybe from that I can make other games. or short story anthologies. or other such things#But there needs to be some initially not very complex easy to interact with starting point first I guess... if that makes sense#That's part of why I stopped posting worldbuilding lore dump stuff as often because its' like.. massive walls of novella length#text are much more inacessible to engage with than like.. ooh a game! and there's characters! so its more approachable! and theres#visuals! oo! and the text is broken up in small bits line by line with other things in betwen! oo! etc. etc. lol#Not that THIS is even very accessible. I think dialogue heavy interactive fiction/visual novel type stuff is pretty niche and considered#boring or tedious compared to something with more ''gamplay'' like where you can actually move around in a world#and shoot things or whatever lol. But its an inbetween point. something SLIGHTLY#more accesible for now. Since i just dont have the budget or means or ability to make some skyrim type thing obviously LOL#Though maybe if theres any interest in the visual novel that could lead to making other things too. or at least I hope. I have a VERY cool#idea for a more ''gamey'' type of game that is a super fun concept and etc. but I would need to hire at least 2 people to make it.. ough..#I could do all the writing and probably half of the art. But I think I'd inevitably need a 3d artist and someone who can Code For Real hbjh#the system for ren'py (the thing I'm making a visual novel in) is not that complicated if you stick to just simple dialogue and stuff.#Making a whole moderately sized 3d game with minigames in it and a bunch of quest features and etc. would be out of my simplistic scope#''just learn it yourself!!' ... i barely manage to eat and sleep reliably every day lol... i do not function well enough to spend months#learning that many new skills. I already have a lot of of things I'm good at (not in a braggy way but just factually like.. i already have#a wide variety of different things under my belt).. at some point I have to just be happy with what i CAN already do and focus on that#and admit I need to get outside help sometimes ghjbh... NO more new skills/hobbies!!! ... ANYWAY
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i decided to stay home today because i felt terrible but was positive i would get up and start the day five hours later i am still in bed feeling terrible today was supposed to be at least an okay today: therapy and in the evening a concert
#i need to whine for a bit and i can't bother my mother#so ignore me#i've been having nearly non-stop headaches for 2 months at this point#during the weekends it's usually ok even if i am so exhausted i can barely move#but during the week if i don't wake up with a headache i will have one by noon and chance are i go to sleep with them#like last night#and today i woke up with a headache as well#just one more week and then i have one week off#i really should not fall into the trap of making any plans aside from relaxing and housework#no sewing no socializing no day trips just regaining some energy for my internship in april#i can function for school and ive gotten used to the headaches to the point that a day with none feels weird but i'm at my limit#meins
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I liked a handful of posts and got "called out for spam liking"? ... just block me at that point if it bothered you so much that I used a basic post function a few times.. on a site where you're supposed to like & reblog stuff... just baffles me
#just block and move on its not that serious 😭#i hate to sound like a shady bitch bc i hate 'subtweet' typa posts#but it's been a rough day and i just had to laugh at it#if you don't like notifications just block me ig#sorry for liking some fuckin fandom posts????#im too young to feel this old but too old to be dealing with this nonsense#been in a bad mood this week bc i can barely manage sleep. (i am camel; you are straw)#none of this makes sense anymore. ima go watch smth and pray it annoys me less than ppl have today 💀
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while I have not really worked on my costume hooves at all since last year, I HAVE been getting pretty good at walking and standing still in the shoes since recently putting them in my room where I could easily put them on and wander around on a whim
the bad news is they've now broken in enough that my heels wanna slip out of them, and apparently the remedy to that is 'buy a size down'
#I don't...... want to do that.........#:'D#I wanted to move on to picking up speed and trying the stairs but I'm scared to when they keep wanting to come OFF my FEET#putting the socks on over top them helps a little but it's not as secure as I'd like :')#although it IS funny how much 'literally just raw ends toes-cut-off socks over peach suede heels-cut-off stilettos' already evokes Hooves#maybe I can squish some memory foam into the toes....#it doesn't matterrr I'm never gonna work up to a point where wearing this at-- say-- a ren faire all day wouldn't Just Kill Me anyway#this is good enough for halloween costume level wear. it's FINE.#man also unrelated to shoes woes but the socks I managed to find that actually match the brown of the fur I picked--#cut off my circulation when I wear them over the knees as intended AND have distinctly ribbed Knit Sock Texture :'D#weh.....#ALL THAT SAID. for someone who never wears heels and barely wears shoes at all#I'm pretty pleased with how good I've gotten at navigating on two inch platforms with the ~6in heels fully removed#feels good feels good feels powerful#about me
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there goes my chance to sleep a decent amount of hours ig, why did i think it was a good idea to try drink tap water again just because everyone else did lmao
may play some honkai just to see bro heng
#why didnt i think about how sensitive my stomach can bejbxjhs anyway#never been a tap water person and either way#the water that has come out of it since the beginning of the flood situation has been... in worrying conditions.#literally why did i trust that when we are still dealing with everything xd#not my smartest move#anywa honkai#started playing again likeee yesterday or two days ago#may plan to advance the story a bit these days? im barely in some of the first feixiao appearances xbjskn i really got stuff to see and+#characters to meet#and i enjoyed some dan heng time yesterday yeaaaa#my brother that protects me#he wouldnt have let me drink that tap water LMAO#watch stelle and i getting tummyaches and dan heng staying up to try help somehow#so if there's more dan hengs i will bring more dan heng content from my brain😔✊#familial f/os move my world#n is talking#all i write is about you
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no promises anymoooooreeeee i'll appear online when i appear online 😭 every time i say "ooh i think life is almost done being overwhelming!" it. becomes even more overwhelming in the dumbest ways. all i can manage rn when i'm not stressing myself into a shut-down state is staring at the wall while listening to youtube essays + mindlessly crocheting.
i might queue up ppls art and fics w/o commentary in the tags... i want other ppl to see what all of my cool friends have made, but i genuinely can't think right now with this monstrous brain fog. i'm really sorry, just. yeah. maybe i'll think of some way to make it up later!!! once the dust has settled!!!! but until then i wuv u and miss u. smiles.
[venting in tags including familial manipulation and ableism. i. didn't mean to write all of that, thiss was originally going to be a main blog post but. aaaaaAAAAAA!!!!!
also no need for replies or anything, i'd turn them off for just the one post if i could kjsndkn, i just needed to get things out and go eep jsjndsfdn ok bye bye bye bye!!!!]
#goddd my family finds it sooooooo funny that i can't do basic tasks! it's soooo funny that i can't even think of a horror movie to watch#on halloween bc i genuinely can't remember a single one right now. it's soooo funny that i can't take cardboard boxes or#old furniture out of my room without help bc i've physically and mentally and emotionally burnt out for Months.#and me not being able to move shit out after two (2) days makes me a hoarder somehow. and ofc hoarding is a moral failing#and my mom has to give me a stern talking-to about hoarding things... that were. again. in my room for 2 days....#[tbc it isnt a moral failing no matter the reason. life is hard and things happen and it can be hard to get rid of things for Reasons.]#nevermind them making constant snide remarks about me using ugly 'mismatched' desk / storage furniture. bc it was free / cheap? no income??#AND!!!!! i have a couple of new diagnoses. which doesn't change much day to day but it does make my family making fun of me#even more dumbfounding. like. this explains a lot of really scary unexplained symptoms that constantly leave me#housebound for weeks but uhhh haha hehe hoho??? so silly so funny that i'm barely conscious for multiple weeks???#and you can see that i'm getting worse but that makes it funnier??? hmm!!!#also nevermind that i've told them the exact reason why i've been like this (read: them) but that ALSO makes it funnier somehow.#but i also can't say shit bc they're doing something ~nice~ for me (out of convenience + after almost a decade of 'don't get comfortable'#and 'don't decorate this room bc it isn't yours' and 'you need to be ready to move out by x date'#only for the date to arrive and them to pull the 'i never said that. and if i did say it i didn't mean it like that.#and if i did mean it like that i don't anymore.' card. + any big renovations are things they wanted anyway. hmmmm!!#and how i have to do all of the phys labor alone bc if i ask for help i get made fun of!!! and yelled at that i'm doing things Wrong#(hint: i'm following instructions to the letter but. my family knows better than those silly things!! ^^ ))#jfc i sure did rant. uh. yeah. things. are really weird and uncomfy and i feel thankful that i finally can have my own things on display#outside of closets and bins again after a decade?? but i'm also waiting for the other shoe to drop / them to tell me i owe them in#some way??? bc that's how it works. 'i'm doing a nice thing you didn't even ask me for so now you have to do whatever i tell you to.'#meanwhile i can't even maladaptive daydream my way through it bc my brain is soup right now. can't remember basic things abt#my interests bc i've been on negative battery / spoons for a couple of months straight and it's only getting worse.#OKAY TLDR i'm not in a state to do anything until everything irl gets settled. and i'm trying So Hard to get it all over with but there's#only so much i can do in a day before i completely shut down. i didn't even get into the insurance stuff i've been fighting too ughhhh.#so if i show up on here in short spurts -- hi! bye! hi!! i wuv and care u!!! hope youre well mwah mwah!!!!!!! i'll post what i can and then#disappear when i need to recharge. it is what it is. i need to try to sleep now... uh if this post disappears when i wake up.... yeah......#📌 [ my posts. ]#💭 [ my thoughts. ]#vent -
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