#keeping myself busy during isolation time

[honeytonedhottie]

get ready to get back to school⋆.ೃ࿔*:･🗒️

i can hardly believe that school is coming up. in like, two/one week. ISNT THAT ABSURD? i feel like summer just flew past but im very excited to start my junior year of highschool…💬🎀

BUYING DREAM SCHOOL SUPPLIES ;

when ur school supplies are cute, you'll feel MOTIVATED to put them to good use. idek what it is. 99% of my school supplies are pink and because of that im motivated to take good notes, study my notes etc because seeing the sparks of pink just make me so HAPPY.

so ofc this year my school supply list has remained consistent in its color scheme of pink, pink and more pink 🎀. some things on my school shopping list are ->

notebooks

a binder

dividers for the binders with adorable labels

pink and purple gel pens (along with black gel pens)

pastel highlighters

looseleaf paper

a fluffy pink pen

FIX UR SLEEP SCHEDULE ;

ik a lot of us (including myself some times) stay up for way to long and feel like our sleep schedule is BEYOND repair but it is not. u need to be getting back into a consistent sleeping routine that keeps u healthy and well rested not only for back to school but for ur own well being. you'll have plenty of time tomorrow for what u choose to stay up all night doing, i promise.

FOR MY ONLINE GIRLIES ;

so this year i'll be taking a semester online so i've been dabbling in figuring out the perfect routine for an online school regimen. one in which i could balance personal and academic life in a healthy way (get sunlight everyday, sleep on time etc) some things that im going to prioritize while doing a semester online are ->

♡ getting fresh air everyday

♡ going for a walk everyday and making sure to stay active

♡ NOT doing school work in bed

so a tip i've learned is that the things that u do in bed, your mind will like, associate ur bed with it. so for example if ur constantly playing video games in bed, when its time to relax and go to bed, when ur in bed your mind will be like "time to play video games". so i will not be doing school work in bed, also for a healthy change of scenery…💬🎀

♡ going out with my friends and calling them everyday so that im not isolated

♡ keeping a steady and productive routine

SETTING GOALS ;

lets be goal oriented, A+ academic barbies this year ✍🏽. to make sure that ur doing ur very best its important to set goals for urself. having something to strive for is a great way to stay motivated and disciplined during the year. my goal for my junior year is to keep my straight A streak and finish with my law distinction (im 3/4 of the way done). and ofc its important to break down ur goals, and i'll give an example of how i did this.

so in freshman year ik i wanted a distinction in law, and to get a distinction in law i would have to take 4 separate law courses. there are 4 years in highschool so if i took one law course per school year i'd have my distinction. but i wanted to expedite the process so i took one course freshman year, and two courses sophomore year. this year i will take one more.

this frees up SO much time for me to get another distinction and since i've already taken a course of business in freshman year, i'll strive for my business distinction too…💬🎀

if u dont know where to start with goal setting for school here are some ideas ->

♡ maintain ur current GPA or try and raise it

♡ never get below a B on any assignment or test

♡ do every single homework assignment (never take a zero)

STAYING ORGANIZED ;

staying organized is CRUCIAL for being successful in school. i use notion to keep myself organized during the school year. by putting down dates for tests in my calendar, ik when i need to start preparing. and by making a todo list everyday i can stay on top of my assignment.

if u struggle with school organization, set aside an hour a day to just make sure that everything is in its place. and it doesnt even have to be an hour, just set aside time every single day to make sure that everything it where its supposed to be. it'll save you SO much time in the future and you'll rly thank urself for it in the future.

and to end this post, i'll share some school/academic related affirmations 💗

🗒️ im literally the definition of beauty and brains

📔 im the top of my class

🗒️ i must have perfect memory cuz i remember everything im taught in class

📔 im literally a GENIUS

🗒️ i effortlessly stay at the top of my class

📔 wow, im smart, pretty, AND talented?? god rly does have favorites

[a-confused-spoon]

Jinx's haircut: how Powder and Ekko's story comes full circle

Hi! So, it appears Jinx will be cutting her hair short in season 2 (which is cool as fuck), and I’ve been seeing a lot of discussion on it, so I wanted to share my two cents 😊

I might refer to Jinx and Powder as if they are different ideantities, but I'm aware that's not how that works; it's just an easier way to express myself. Also english isn't my first language, so apologies for any possible wiritng mistake (this is a bit of a mess 😅)

* deep breath in *

As it has already been pointed out, this choice must have a deeper reason other than esthetic (I've been seeing the phrase "hair holds memories" used a lot), and what's even more interesting is that her new look resembles a lot how she used to look like as a kid; a bit bizarre, given how the entirety of season 1 showed us how Powder and Jinx's coexistence only brings the girl pain. As a matter of fact, the finale makes it clear to us that even she sees these two sides of herself as mutually exclusive.

So why and how exactly would this happen now?

What I keep going back to is the idea that maybe, just maybe, this has to do with her possibly "taking the lead" in Zaun; whether she actively becomes a leader or if she just "leads by example" (therefore passively), it doesn't change the fact that for better or worse she will be depicted as a leading revolutionary figure.

And fair enough: she singlehandedly killed half of the Council, the people who hold decisional power and have contributed to the misery on the other side of the river. After Vender's failed attempt on the bridge and Silco's focus on his own business dealings with Piltover among everything else he did, Jinx's attack on the city - something she does to ultimately solidify her identity as Jinx - opens a door that the Undercity was waiting to be opened for decades.

Here's the thing:

Being Jinx doesn't just mean acting on unbridled rage and being a menace to society; it means being feared by most, if not all, with the only possible exceptions being those who also accepted their inner monster. To put it in Singed's words, "If you take this path, they will despise you".

Being Jinx fundamentally implies loneliness.

Silco was consistently reminding her this: "I am your family; everyone else betrays us" / "Everyone betrays us Jinx! Vander! Her! They will never understand, it's only us".

In the official clip 'Enemy of my enemy' we find out that he only saw her cry twice, the two scenes we also witness as an audience, meaning he didn't see her cry once during the timeskip, and I'm sure it's safe to say that she most definitely did cry a lot given how she goes from episode 3 Powder (scared, couldn't grasp the concept of killing someone, heartbroken by the nickname jinx) to episode 4 Powder (a beast, kills in cold blood, has taken Jinx as her actual name)... it must've been an ugly transition, and it definitely didn't happen overnight; if Silco, who was the closest person she had all that time, didn't see it, then I think it speaks a lot on how alone Jinx really was in her darkest times.

For all the love he had for her, he reinforced this idea of isolation as an unescapable consequence of the right path, and I think this is also reflected in the lair that (supposedly) he found for her, especially when you compare it to the Firelights’ one:

The Firelights (this is important for later) are all about community and sharing joy as well as struggle and pain; they live in a place of healing, filled with life, without a roof so the sunlight can reach them during the day, and at nights living bugs that shine a light of their own fill up the hideout.

Jinx's place is diametrically opposed to this: it’s dark and looks cold, it's completely made of metal, the roof’s blocking any natural light and it hangs above an abyss with no bottom to be seen; the only company she consistently has are the puppets of her dead brothers and the only living thing that knows his way in is the only one that can understand, the only one she can rely on - aka Silco himself.

However, as Jinx herself knows, this may have worked for him, but it wasn't working for her for the longest time: she never stopped yearning for affection, love, friendship- that part of her never really went away; it was only being suppressed, suffocated, maybe unintentionally, and I strongly believe that it only worsen her trauma, and it's one of the things that made her spiral so bad into her depression, to the point of hallucinating.

I think that Silco's line in the baptism scene is particularly relevant here: "You need to let Powder die, so the fear of pain will no longer control you", where the fear of pain would refer to the fear of being on her own, of always failing and disappointing others, of being weak and never satisfying the desires, expectations, hopes that Powder carried within her to be “a valuable member of the team”.

If she lets Powder die (which again, she does in the final episode of season 1), this is no longer a problem: if she doesn't do teams, because teams don't want a jinx to begin with, that fear can't get to her; if she's a solo player, a self-sufficient loose cannon, she won't need to rely on anyone but herself because she's strong on her own and does not need the support of others.

If her power lays in the monster she is, the one everyone condemns her for being, then that childhood wish of hers just isn't a realistic option.

...but then this happens.

We know from the teaser trailer that in the operation Caitlyn's leading, 'finding Jinx' and 'neutralize any agent still loyal to Silco' are separate objectives. Which makes sense, since as far as they know Silco was the leader of a group of people, and now that he's gone Jinx is an individual under her own agency and her own agency alone. If initially she fights by herself, for herself because she can and fuck Piltover, then it all falls in line with what I stated so far.

But then we hear Sevika, who has hated Jinx's guts and who Jinx has hated back since day one, telling her to get the people together, to unite the Undercity as one because she can do that. Mind you, the girl has lived in Zaun all her life, she knows damn well that the end of Piltover is something the entire Undercity has been waiting for (“Imagine what the whole of the Lances could do!” from episode 2); yet despite this she needs to be openly told what is going on, that she’s not sizing the opportunity she’s created. She isn't, cause... her? Leading? A group of people? No. Not after the last time she tried to help, and most importantly, not after everything she learned under Silco.

Jinx can't fathom the idea of herself as a part of a part of a team. How can she? She literally just came to terms with isolation as ever present- and now, for some reason, the people of the city, who always either ran away from her or wanted her gone, are dying their hair blue in her image, trusting her, following her, painting murals of her as the bringer of revolution.

She isn't taking power forcibly like Silco did; she's just doing her thing, her Jinx thing, and Zaun, on its own, is choosing her as the leading figure.

Imagine how frustrating it must be for Jinx to look back and realize that Silco, her father- who has loved her, forgiven her, raised her, called her perfect, defended her, was there for her, saved her, guided her- was wrong, and put her in a condition of never ending existential pain when she could’ve had it differently the entire time; imagine how confusing it must be for her to look back and realize that it never mattered whether or not others understood her, 'cause she wasn't as unlovable or unforgivable as she thought herself to be in the first place, that Silco and Vi were never her only options.

Imagine how painful it must be for her to look back and realize that for all this time she could’ve had friends and be accepted and be trusted and rely on others because she never HAD to be alone.

...keeping this in mind, let's talk about Ekko and the missing flashback from episode 7 for a moment.

Admittedly we don’t have a lot of information, other than it took place not too long after the events of episode 3 (then again, to be fair, we don’t know a lot about their relationship as enemies as well: it’s all between the lines; I surely have my own opinions of how they feel about each other being on the enemy side, but I don’t believe it’s super relevant here). What’s for sure about this flashback is that it was a defining moment in both Ekko and Powder’s journey, especially for the latter. Someone surely died, and it 100% was Powder’s fault. It could be both the result of her very first crisis or her first intentional murder; in both cases it results in her deciding for herself to align with Silco as opposed to her best friend.

The way I like to see it is that, since the trauma was still very fresh, she might have been too scared of the idea of fighting alongside others after what happened last time, and she pushed herself to kill someone on purpose just to push Ekko away and prove a point (Silco’s point). I love the idea of the tragic irony of Ekko being the one person Powder managed to really save, and Powder being the one person Ekko couldn’t.

Personal headcanons aside though, the last part is the most important one here: Ekko couldn’t save Powder from Silco, and by extension everything he represents.

I’d like to point out that one of the most tragic aspects of the two becoming enemies (to me) is that, throughout those years, they reciprocally were the only living person the other shared a past with (well, Vi too, but she was in prison the entire time).

Silco not only takes over by force, he also marks as his all the places of said past: the Last Drop, Vi and Powder’s house… one line that always stuck with me from episode 7 is when Ekko tells Vi “All that’s left is Jinx, and she belongs to Silco”.

Not with Silco; to Silco. As if she too a piece of the past he turned into his property.

It’s like he understands that while yes, Powder made the decision by herself, that she wants to stay with Silco, he also knows that the man is the one to blame for... well, all of it; the kid was there when Silco showed up unprovoked at Benzo’s place, he knows things went downhill from there.

Ekko knows that he is the bigger problem and the bigger enemy. Even Vi, without knowing a thing about the past few years, can tell Silco put some shit into her sister’s head; Ekko can probably guess the same, difference being that Ekko has the responsibility of keeping other people safe, and he can’t risk it all for someone that, while possibly manipulated, ultimately isn’t collaborative. Ekko can’t jeopardize all he’s built and done for his former best friend, no matter how much it hurts him to be her enemy.

Back to season 2.

Like the entire fandom has already pointed out, there’s a 99.9% chance there will be an alliance between them and Jinx, especially when looking at Ekko’s new outfit.

Of course, this will not be immediate: my guess is that while Jinx works alone at the very start Ekko will be with Heimerdinger and following the arrest of the Firelights we see in the trailer maybe there’s a split. And even after Jinx takes charge so to speak, and possibly frees them, among others, from Stillwater, it’s possible there will be (and there should be) stages in the alliance: initial distrust, potential fight within the community- like yeah, let’s not forget what Jinx did to these people.

Even if they do go ahead with it, it is probably out of necessity more than anything else, with not one but two military forces against the whole of the Underground. It’s not like they’d be the most ecstatic faction about it, and the same goes for Ekko, which is why the new look will probably come in later.

But exactly like he could see Powder for a brief second on the bridge clearly enough for him to stop himself from beating her, he will, most definitely, see her again through Jinx's inner turmoil... that, and she also can’t keep her shit together when it comes to what she's feeling, the girl really is an open book.

And yeah, the situation would be pretty emotionally disorienting: she's being as Jinx as ever, but people like her now, which is something she used to want as Powder, who is supposed to be dead, and they're willingly following her like they willingly followed Vander and there's murals of her with him, though she's pursuing what aligns more with Silco's dream, but also turns out Silco was wrong about Powder, who might still be alive deep down- the whole thing is a big big mess.

Despite everything that I said about him, it’s not like Jinx would start to resent Silco. She could never, not after his last words to her. They mean the world to her, he means too much to her, and let’s not forget she probably hear his voice now too, along Mylo’s and Claggor’s; it might even be a calming voice to her, one she’s happy to hear even if she knows he’s not real… which makes it all worse and more painful to deal with.

In this scene from the trailer, it seems like Ekko’s talking to her (some have pointed out the blue hair out of focus). Since this is still the look in season, at this point in time Ekko (and the rest of the Firelights) are not truly committed to this alliance with Jinx, and vice versa, Jinx is still figuring out how to deal with all this unexpected appreciation.

If there’s one thing we’ve learned about Jinx’s way of dealing with inner conflicts, especially ones that deal with the memories of the past, is that it often leads to disaster. This is a bit of a long shot, but what if the reason Ekko’s so beat up Is because she unintentionally sabotaged one of their own attacks on Piltover? Or perhaps they were caught up in a tough situation because of something she did or didn’t do? My point is that if he really is talking with her while in this condition, she probably is in a similar one.

Regardless, they are on the same side, and they are having a conversation. This is very likely the first time they reach out for each other since the day she chose to not go with him.

And I think it’s believable that of all the people she now has beside her, she’d talk to Ekko: he has this leader stuff already figured out. He has and still is taking care of people and keeping them safe better than she ever will, and on top of that, he still is the only one in Zaun (again, aside from Vi) who has known her since before she was Jinx, and he spared her on the bridge. He’s the perfect person to open up to.

And, get this, not only Ekko understands the pressure of taking the lead: he knows what it means to look back at someone you were fond of and feeling the pain of being wronged by them. He knows what it’s like to look back at old memories of someone you trusted and wonder if all those moments together really were what you thought they were, he knows what it’s like to wish it could all go back like it was, just so that candid version of them you have in your mind can still be true, present and untainted by the ugliness that now ruins all those precious moments.

He knows, 'cause he went through it with her... and now he can finally reach her.

Ekko may have not been able to save her from Silco then, but he can save her from Silco now.

And since he has built a community that grieved together, went through pain and joy together, he simply does what he’s always done with the Firelights. Sharing.

He tells with her what has worked for him: “Sometimes, taking a leap forward means leaving a few things behind”- in the Franch dub he says “leaving a part of oneself behind”- meaning it doesn’t have to be all or nothing: she has the power to choose what to kiss goodbye and what can stay…

…and then she cuts her hair.

I think it’s important to note how these two moments are very similar in setting. I kid you not, the first time I watched the trailer I was convinced this was a scene where Jinx was burning Silco’s body after she killed him- which frankly could still be the case. I’ve also seen discussions being made for the little girl we see in the trailer being burned here, or Sevika, but I don’t think it’s either. Jinx is completely desensitized to death, even when Silco died her makeup isn’t this ruined. My guess is that this is something much deeper:

Jinx never properly grieved the past. Ever. So, maybe, she’s burning the part of herself she’s leaving behind. The hair she cut.

The hair Silco used to braid for her.

These two scenes parallel each other because “nothing ever stays dead”, but Silco must stay dead, for her own sake. For her own happiness: she is leaving him behind for good.

Only after this moment we get the new look for Ekko: he can work with this new Jinx, the one that now knows she can work within a team, even to the point of committing to the outfit (lol).

If in season 1 Jinx accepted her identity as it was defined by Silco, in season 2 she's re-inventing it under her own conditions: she gets to choose what "being Jinx" may or may not include. And it will always include a little bit of Powder.

Thanks for reading! 💚💙

[fuwaprince]

👉👈 Hi friends! I have a long, serious post made just for you(!) that isn't full of spoilers, smut or mooning lawn gnomes. Please read if you can, this is a 💥 mutual aid request 💥

It has been a horribly painful and long while as most people following/keeping up with me know. and in a few days I'm going to be down $1500, which is basically all my fucking $

I can't afford Christmas for anybody, which sucks and I'm very sorry. I can't even take care of myself and haven't been, which also sucks and I'm very sorry

Landlords spontaneously raised rent on me more than halfway through this month as punishment for not getting to my house chores and not communicating, to be totally honest with you. I feel ashamed and awful about it but I didn't want to clean the place while multiple ppl living here had tested positive for COVID and kept walking around unmasked... I am not fully vaxxed because I've been too depressed to get any kind of necessary medical care done and I didn't want to catch COVID in the middle of my finals week for the semester. I woke up to being angrily and rudely bitched at first thing after the last of my finals (I passed at least). It wasn't a humanizing text. Fuck the mistreatment though. Rent is now almost doubled and it won't be lowered

There was no room for negotiation and I truly believe they've resorted to pricing me out of living here because the group of renters psychologically tormenting me wasn't effective (actually- putting a picture of my rapist on the fridge rly was super effective in getting me to isolate myself in my room all day and so was outing me as trans to the transphobic ass neighbors.... But I didn't and still don't have any place better to move out to, like the way they were hoping I would. Yes, I have looked and BEGGED btw)

I want out of here NOW, but I can't leave. I tried and had to come back because it was the best option. I can't afford to stay in a motel/hotel/BnB just to get away from them for a day or two during Christmas. I don't have any friends who I can spend the holiday with either. During the semester, I resorted to convincing classmates with keys to locked buildings to let me crash in them while they worked at night and I would leave before anybody showed up. Now that school is out, I can't do that. I don't have any family I can reach out to for support or friends who I can depend on for immediate help. I have been crying day in and day out for weeks. I have records of it posted throughout my blog. Literally crying for days on end. I'm being so fucking transparent

All that lump of text is to explain to whoever is out there, who might be listening and willing and able, to please consider helping me, if and ONLY IF able. I know times are tough and if you'd rather use your $ for other reasons or just don't have any to spare, don't sweat it and take care! 🫂

I've thought about what I could do for a long time and have helped myself how I can. It isn't enough. I've applied for so much assistance. Been approved and been sabotaged by my inhumane mom (who does not love me) via stealing my legal documents and letters and hiding them for months. My mind jumps to grim places but I'm clinging for dear life to whatever hope I have left that says things will get better. I wish I knew somebody with a business that I could work for. Part of me feels so fucking terrible for asking for help because I feel like a waste of all your resources. I feel like I shouldn't ask, like I really do not fucking deserve help, but there are friends online who care, who I know mentioned being interested in helping in whatever ways they can

So to the people who care to seriously me, I'm ready to accept it: please send me nice words to get through this and feel less alone. It feels pathetic to ask but I would love a nice letter. A nice card even. Kind words of any kind would go a long way. It means more to me than food. I have felt so broken and every day feels like a test to figure out how badly I actually want to live

I'm also leaving my cash app and paypal here in case anybody would like to do more than what I'm comfortable asking but probably very likely will inevitably need very very soon. I will be left with fucking nothing and I will have no idea what to do once rent is paid

Thank you to those of you who have sent love, offered to listen and heard me out. I really wish it wasn't so hard to survive. I'm trying to feel better knowing there are people out there who are also without help and hoping the best, but it doesn't make me feel any better or comforted tbh. I just wish the help was there for us. I wish there was a place to go for spare love, care, compassion, empathy, kindness, humanity, generosity... I need that more than I need $. Call me stupid but that's what I live for. I don't live for paying to survive in terrible conditions. I live for love and to smile with friends

I hope to write back to the friends who have already been so kind as to message me soon btw. I'm sorry for not replying sooner. Your overwhelming support is sincerely sweet and sometimes I cry because I can't believe people are so nice (to me???). It'll give me something to do that doesn't make me feel like dying! :') so thank you thank you thank you *fist bump*

Hope you're all doing as well as you can and that somehow things get better. Hope anybody else struggling like me doesn't make the mistake of isolating like a sick and dying animal. You deserve love. You deserve support. Don't be like me. Have the courage to reach out to the people who care about you for help as early on into your emergency as possible. Don't let your situation snowball because you spend so long trying to figure out if you're worth it!!! This Random Tumblr user is here to tell you that YOU ARE. Sending my infinite everlasting unconditional love. Be nice to yourselves. Be nice to each other. Fuck the hateful assholes who wish I would just kill myself already. Tell your friends you love them. Happy Holidays!!!

And here's a single picture of a mooning lawn gnome at the very end, as a treat! I told you this post wasn't full of it.... It just ended with it 👉👉

[martiandmichelle]

Ya comfortable cause this is a kinda long post. . .

Some of you long-time followers may remember that I used to do a fair amount of prostitution. I cut way back on it several years ago after one bad experience and the growing success of Studio M. I did keep a (very) few of my favorite johns that I might see once or twice a year. One is a guy near my age (73) who lives alone on an isolated ranch in Texas. In the 11 years I've known him he's always been a gentleman with a great sense of humor. Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately!) he has minimal control of his average-sized cock and cums quickly though only a couple times a day. In between those few orgasms of his he spends his time with me groping, sucking, and staring at my tits.

Soooo, anyway, it was during my last visit with him this past late winter, and while his was admiring his handiwork with my boobs, that he asked me about other tricks I had going. I try to be as honest as I can with someone who pays so much interest and cash on me, so I told him he was only one of 5 guys and 1 woman that I prostitute for. He wanted to hear more so I told him what little I could - not wanting to give away any secrets of my other clients. He began rolling my nipples between his fingers and masturbating them as they grew, lowering my resistance and increasing my breathing. He said he thought it would be really hot if I prostituted myself more often. The winter/spring "conference" of the southeastern US chapter of my global studio was coming up and he thought I should go and advertise my services. By this point my nipples were squirting milk all over the place and my cunt was gushing so how could I say no?!?

So, I went. He guessed at what I could charge new clients and I thought he was crazy while still begging him not to stop what he was doing to me tits. (I never have charged him more than I did that 1st time with him.) I took his suggestion and got management's wholehearted approval to go and show off and offer my services for what I thought was a ridiculous price. I made a bet with him that, at that exorbitant price, I wouldn't get over 10 clients.

So I staked my space at the "show" and opened up for business. Advertising my all natural T cup tits (that's before I grew to a U cup) and learning the next largest natural bust was an M cup, I thought maybe I had underestimated my traffic. What I did underestimate was my underestimation! After only one hour of opening, the organizers had to move me to their largest empty booth because of so many guests visiting me. My midday, they had moved me to my own room and at 5:00 pm they moved me again to my own ballroom - and even THAT was crowded!! (The photo above was from the conference as I accepted a sealed offer from a member.)

I simply could not believe there was that many men (and women!) who wanted to - and were willing to pay so handsomely - for time with me and my body! There were guys going together to have, threesomes, foursomes, fivesomes, and more "-somes" with me. There was no way I could say anything but "yes!" and "Thank you!" to them all.

If you would like to read more, just message or inbox me, or even just comment on this post. I'm not starting this service until after my mountain trip so my first "working visit" is on October 3rd of this year. 2025 is going to be wonderfully busy!

(But don't fret, I'll still be posting here lots!)

[yourlovingfng]

Through photos and codes.

Chapter one.

Soap×Photographer&HackerFem!Reader

10 July 2011

It's 12.30 pm, you're currently in the paddock waiting for the start of the race, you decide to send a few texts, right now he's in Credenhill, not really that far away from where you're located

"How did it go this morning?"

You get no reply, he'd left you on read.

Whatever, you expected it, he will probably see it tonight.

-----

"Here you go, anything else?"

"A pen please."

"Got you."

Credenhill's hell, nothing to do but train. Soap is in a stationery at base, to celebrate he decided to get himself a journal, pocket-size, the squared lines are a bit blurred but it will work he just needs something to keep his mind busy during the hours he gets to rest.

"there you go"

"thank you."

Finding an isolated spot he decides to log the first happenings of the day:

Today he got to train with lieutenant Gaz, he thought him various ways to shoot and use a sidearm, “Remember, switching to your pistol is always faster than reloading”  grabbed even a compliment from successfully stabbing a watermelon,

Than he met Captain Price along with other members of the team, CQB test. The CQB test is a "mock-up" of the cargo ship they will infiltrate in the next upcoming mission.

-----

Is now 10 pm and you just got home, the job is pretty demanding and most of the time you take a few days off just so you can at least have a social life apart from the workplace.

You just got out of the shower and hear a notification from your phone; it's Soap.

"Where are you?"

"At home in Hereford, why?"

"You wanna grab a pint?"

"Only if you don't make me drive in circles again, like last time."

"Ah don't worry lass it's actually near base but I'll send you the location just in case."

"It better be or I'm shaving that mohawk of yours Johnny, let me get ready, I'll see you in 30 minutes"

-----

Coming to destination you search for him but it doesn't take you much to immediately recognize him,

"there's my bonnie!" he welcomes you with open arms, you reach for him  after getting out of your car and embrace his warmth tightly,

"Johnny you look like shit, went through hell in here?" you laugh looking at his face,

"just the start lass, just the start of this." he sighs maintaining eye contact, 

"at least they didn't shave that head of yours." you offer him a simple smile,

he opens the door for you and get inside, the place wasn't that crowded, it was but you could've imagined the seats getting full of soldiers, the dim yellow lights that hung down from the ceiling gave a sense of comfort and privacy accompanied with the pub's wood interior, after grabbing your pints you both took a seat at a small table nearby, in the corner of the pub, 

"So how did the breakup go?"

"it went alright, it was simple and there wasn't a fuss about it, but I feel like I lost a part of myself, I just wish we could've spent more time if it wasn't for the job. How about you?"

met with a slight pause you decide to take a sip of your pint,

"Nothing much went to the infirmary a few hours ago and the nurse tried to make advances on me"

You are taken out of surprise this time and almost choke yourself

"Did you fuck her?"

"It was a he but no."

"Well look at you pulling both genders."

[suspensefulpen]

Ballroom Waltz

TW: Discussions of Torture and Kidnapping, Bad Caretaker, Multiple Whumpers

“I really think you should meet them.” Caretaker nodded with a smile. “I think you’d like them a lot.” 

“They sound interesting.” Whumper One hummed before taking a sip of his champagne. He glanced to his right, scanning over all of the faces on the dance floor. “You got me out here, I would at least like to see them. You make them seem like they’re the best thing on this Earth.” 

“Oh, they are.” Caretaker nodded again. “They’re quite wonderful. I’ve known them for about four or five years now. They’re really sweet.” 

“Is that right?” Whumper One squinted at him. “Since when do we keep secrets from each other Caretaker?” 

“I know, I know. But you’ve been so distant lately, especially with me moving away and all. I thought maybe you didn’t want to be bothered. So I just kept it to myself.” Caretaker shrugged, looking down in his own glass. “I kind of miss the good old days Whumper One.” 

He turned his gaze back to the sea of people waltzing out on the dance floor. “Is that why you bought this building?” 

“Yeah… Kind of.” Caretaker nodded. “I just wanted to relive a few memories with you. I realize that’s the only way to get you to come out anymore.” 

Whumper One smiled. “You know I like to have fun, Caretaker. How could I turn such an invitation down?” 

“That’s why I asked you to come.” He smiled back. 

Whumper One remembered back when he and Caretaker were young. Whumper Two too. Whumper Two always threw balls every weekend just so the three of them could have fun. During every one of them, they’d pluck out a lucky guest to torture for a couple of weeks. They always picked a stray. One that no one would notice if they suddenly went missing. Once they were finished having fun, they’d toss them aside and move on to a new one. And of course, they made sure the guest wouldn’t make a peep about what happened to them. If they so much as thought about it, their life would be on the line. 

One night they found themselves a guest lingering near them way longer than necessary. Without a second thought, they quickly made them their target. That night was the biggest mistake of their lives. 

Whumper One cleared his throat, attempting to ignore the pain slowly seeping into his calf. “So, have you heard from Whumper Two lately?” 

“Whumper Two told me he would be here. He should be on his way.” 

“So exactly what part of our memories did you want to relive?” He faced Caretaker again, giving him a look. “The part where we danced the night away, getting as drunk as we possibly can? Or the part after that?” 

Caretaker smirked behind his glass. “I think you know which part I mean.” He took a sip. “I say we do that. But we add a little aftercare afterward?” 

“Aftercare…” Whumper One repeated, as if the word was unfamiliar to him. 

“Yes,” Caretaker nodded. “Think about it. What’s more scary? Knowing you’ll be hurt, or not knowing who you can actually trust?” His smirk turned wicked. 

Whumper One tried his best to hold back a laugh. “And here I was thinking you felt like you were getting too old for this. And that was why you moved away.” 

“Isolation.” He raised a brow at Caretaker. “Think about it, Whumper One. We’re in the middle of nowhere. No one can hear a thing. Last time won’t happen again. Even if they do scream. Everyone will be too busy dancing and drinking to even pay it any mind. Nobody would even care.” 

“And this person you’ve been talking about…they aren’t actually your friend are they?” Whumper One narrowed his eyes. Silence followed his question as Caretaker shifted his attention elsewhere, his smirk never faltering. Whumper One only laughed. “You’ve gotten worse than me.” 

“I can’t blow my cover yet though. I’ll let you and Whumper Two take the lead.” 

“So you’re not gonna help at all?” He raised a brow. 

“Oh I will. I absolutely will. I’ll feed you information.” 

Whumper One slowly began to realize Caretaker’s plan. So that’s what this aftercare thing is all about. This is all so we can break them more easily. This was also why he never told me about them and pretended to be their friend. He was planning all of this from the beginning. Whumper One smirked. “You’re a real sick bastard, you know that?” 

“I learned from the sickest.” Caretaker’s own smirk turned into a soft grin. He made eye contact. “You can break someone more than physically, you know.” 

“You know what, I–” 

“They’re here. Stay there.” Caretaker whispered before walking away. Whumper One watched him walk across the room to the person standing cluelessly by the door. He squinted as the two greeted each other before Caretaker began ushering them towards Whumper One. When they got closer, Whumper One noticed how well dressed they were. Draped in fine fabrics from head to toe, one could only assume the amount of wealth they had. They were very beautiful as well. It was a bit hard to ignore that. Whumper One imagined they looked just as beautiful when they were crying. “Whumpee, this is my great friend, Whumper One.” 

Whumpee smiled. “It’s nice to meet you, Whumper One. Caretaker talks a lot about you.” 

Whumper One did his best to suppress the surprise in both his tone and his expression. Not only were they gorgeous, they had an angelic voice to go with it. “Is that right? I’m assuming they were all of my failures and embarrassments.” 

“No, of course not.” They shook their head. “He tells me a lot about how you two grew up together and you were really close friends.” 

Whumper One glanced up and the grin Caretaker wasn’t even trying to hide. He stood straighter, adjusting his suit jacket. “Well it’s nice to meet you too. Any friend of Caretaker’s is a friend of mine.” Whumper One placed his glass down on a nearby servant’s empty tray. He held his hand out. “How about a dance? We get to know each other for a bit, yeah?” 

Whumpee looked surprised but took his hand anyway. “Oh, alright. Sure.” 

Whumper One led them out onto the dance floor. He quickly noted how much smaller Whumpee was compared to him, only coming up to his shoulder. He threw a smirk over his shoulder at Caretaker. 

This should be fun.

Part 2

[narzissenkreuz-ordo]

i guess i need some. advice? encouragement? about some stuff thats been happening recently so suicide/violence cw under the cut

i won't go into detail but i had. a very huge emotional/physical/mental breakdown today. where i was just. basically screaming and howling about how suicidal ive been lately. I haven't said anything out loud/via text on the internet abt it because i know saying i want to kms so often is bad for my own well being and ultimately makes other uncomfortable as well

so yeah i've just been. holding all that in. i knew the thoughts were coming in and out the past few months but was just shrugging it off as just being stressed abt the nightmare year i had. but i really was just. lying to myself and others because i didnt want to worry anyone/didn't want to admit how horrible i was doing after a couple years of good progress. but as it stands things are heading into a really bad direction for me rn. its not normal to go to sleep suicidal and immediately be suicidal upon waking up.

I don't really know what i can really do harm reduction wise. i'm unable to have regular visits with a psychiatrist/therapist bc of availability issues + i tend to just. lie. because its easier to say im fine than it is to advocate for myself and get actual help. and even then medication will not save me and coping skills can only go so far if im so deep in it im unable to take care of myself/feed myself/clean myself/eat/etc so none of it is effective enough in the moment. i know it CAN be effective and some of the skills ive learned can help during situational issues but this is really deep rooted improperly treated mental illness and i need a stronger foundation to be able to use any of the skills

i use a means of self isolation to punish myself, because i'm so upset with myself for not being able to pick myself up on my own. people can say im not a burden over and over but theres always gonna be a catch in the end. i freak out because what if this is one of my last meltdowns before they decide enoughs enough and i just get abandoned. again.

I feel like maybe being so Online is making things worse?? but i don't know??? my concentration is completely gone even when trying to use dnd/closing discord completely and im just constantly refreshing social media every 10 seconds and just stew in the bad feelings.

I don't know if just. leaving the internet cold turkey for a bit would do more harm than good.....i dont want to be alone and caught up in my thoughts. but i have a hard time doing things in 'moderation' and don't know how to even begin to roll back my internet/screen time usage

fandom is fun and great. but i dont think i should be using video games as pure escapism or playing them 24/7. im already getting bored and unenthusiastic about the things i like because its ALL i do.... I want to have at least SOME time away from screens. i hate having the impulse the check social media or refresh even 30 seconds (im even doing it NOW) but i just dont know where to begin in cultivating non-screentime hobbies and have the ability to focus on things more long term without having than doing 1000 things all at once to keep myself busy. i play video games muted most of the time, have a yt video playing, sometimes i'll stop mid video game and pull out my ipad while still having the games open, and im always on discord

there's books i still want to read, i eventually want to pick up sewing again. im considering getting a craft set for making those beaded bracelets (my brother gets them from concerts all the time and thinks it would be fun to make them too) but that all requires money

and i just. idk where im going with this rn but. any advice or suggestions or just. words of encouragement would be. really nice rn

[aughby]

Lines We Can't Cross

I still remember the first time I noticed Yuki in a different light. It wasn't during one of his many jokes, or when he was laughing with the rest of our classmates, carefree and easygoing as always. It was during one of those moments when the world felt like it had stopped spinning for me.

We were practicing for a chorale contest at school when I received the news—my close relative had passed away. My chest tightened, and I felt a wave of guilt wash over me for not being with my family, for missing practice, for everything. I didn’t know what to do, but for some reason, I messaged Yuki about it. I don’t even know why I chose him out of all people, but in that moment of vulnerability, I just typed out my grief and sent it to him.

Yuki responded almost immediately. His words, though simple, were sincere. "Hey, don’t beat yourself up. Your family understands. And you know what? It's okay to feel sad, but don’t carry the guilt. We’re here for you." There was something about the way he made me feel heard and understood that struck me deeply. From that day, I found myself sharing more with him—not just the surface-level stuff, but the real, raw things I couldn't share with anyone else. He became more than just the class clown; he became my confidant, my source of comfort.

Before I knew it, I had fallen for him.

It wasn’t planned, of course. I mean, how could it be? Yuki, with his lighthearted teasing and jokes about how "no one should fall for him," made it seem impossible. I laughed along with him, but secretly, I was sinking deeper into my feelings. The pandemic hit, and suddenly, we weren’t seeing each other every day. At first, I thought that the distance would help me forget about him, that being away from him would allow these feelings to fade.

But the opposite happened.

Late-night chats became our norm. We shared everything—our frustrations with online classes, the emptiness of not seeing friends, the isolation. It was during these moments, behind the screen, where I realized my feelings for Yuki were more than just a crush. I was in love with him. But I never told him, not then. How could I? He was Yuki—my friend who joked about not wanting anyone to fall for him. It seemed too risky, so I kept my feelings locked away, hoping that maybe, just maybe, things would eventually sort themselves out.

Then came the end of senior year. I landed a job, one that would take me far from home. I told Yuki, expecting the same warmth in his response that I had grown used to. He congratulated me, of course, but something felt off. He was distant, not like the Yuki I had shared everything with. I tried to organize a farewell dinner, but he told me he was too busy. I even planned an outing for our whole group, but when my trip got pushed up, I had to leave without saying a proper goodbye.

I still remember the hollow feeling in my chest when I left. I hoped we would stay close, that we would keep in touch like we always had. But as the weeks turned into months, the late-night chats grew sparse. Our conversations faded, and with them, my hope of keeping that closeness alive.

Graduation day arrived, and I came home. After months of being apart, I saw Yuki again. But something was different. There was a stiffness between us, a wall I couldn’t quite place. We didn’t talk that day, not really. My best friend managed to take a few pictures of us, standing side by side, but we didn’t say a word. I congratulated him later, and he did the same. That was the last time I saw him in person.

When I heard from a friend that Yuki was moving to Italy for work, something inside me shifted. I realized this was it. If I didn’t say something now, I might never get the chance. I spent hours drafting a message, pouring out every unsaid feeling, every hope, and every fear. I hesitated to send it, but in the end, I did. I posted it in a blog, protected by a password only he could read, and messaged him right as his plane took off.

He said he’d read it once he arrived.

Days passed. Then weeks. Then months.

I never got a response. The silence stretched on, and with each passing day, I felt more foolish for confessing. Maybe he didn’t read it. Or maybe he did, and my worst fear was true—he didn’t feel the same. Eventually, I accepted that what we had was gone, the connection we built now only a memory.

Then, on Independence Day, months after I had given up hope, his reply came.

He apologized. He thanked me for sharing my feelings. But in the end, he didn’t feel the same. It wasn’t that he didn’t care about me—he did. But not in the way I had hoped. His rejection was gentle, kind, but it didn’t change the fact that my heart broke. The friendship we had once cherished now felt tainted by the weight of my unspoken love.

I couldn’t blame him. He had always been genuine with me, always honest. But in trying to express my heart, I had crossed a line that couldn’t be undone. I told myself we could still be friends, that we would move past this, but deep down, I knew things would never be the same.

Two years have passed since that message, and we haven’t seen each other since. We’ve stayed in touch, barely, but the closeness we once had is gone. I don’t know if I’ll ever have the courage to face him again. Part of me wonders if I did the right thing, risking everything for the chance to love him. Another part of me knows that, even if it didn’t end the way I wanted, I had to let him know.

But now, all I’m left with are the memories of what we once had, and the understanding that sometimes, love isn't enough to save a friendship.

Some lines, once crossed, can never be redrawn.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Yuki's POV:

People always say I'm the funny guy. The one who can make everyone laugh, turn awkward moments into jokes, and lighten the mood no matter how heavy the situation is. That’s just who I’ve always been—the joker, the guy people don’t take too seriously, and I’m okay with that. But what most don’t know is that when someone comes to me with something real, something serious, I drop the act. I listen, I care, and I try to be there for them, even if it’s just with words.

That’s how it started with her.

I didn’t think much of it at first. She was just a classmate, someone I saw around school, someone I would joke with like everyone else. But that changed when she messaged me one day, telling me that someone close to her had passed away. I could tell she was hurting. The usual jokes weren’t going to help this time. So, I said what I thought she needed to hear—something real. I told her not to carry the guilt, that her family would understand, that it was okay to feel the sadness.

What I didn’t expect was how that one conversation would change things between us.

After that, she started talking to me more, sharing things that were deeper, more personal. And honestly, I liked being that person for her. I liked that she trusted me. We became close, closer than I had ever expected. We messaged each other every day, and I found myself looking forward to our late-night talks. She was someone I could be serious with when I needed to be, but also someone I could laugh with. It was... easy.

But there was always this underlying thing. I could feel it—how she sometimes looked at me, how she would hesitate when we talked about relationships or love. I could sense that she might be starting to feel something more, but I never addressed it. I didn’t want to ruin what we had. And to be honest, I wasn’t sure if I was ready for that, if I could give her more than what we already had. So I kept things light, made jokes, even teased her about not falling for me. It was my way of keeping distance, of protecting whatever we had.

Then the pandemic hit, and everything changed.

We couldn’t see each other in person, but we still talked—about school, life, frustrations. It became a routine, something that kept us both grounded during all the chaos. And then, before I knew it, senior year was almost over. She told me she got hired at a company and would be moving away. I congratulated her, of course, but there was this sinking feeling in my chest that I didn’t want to acknowledge. I should’ve done more. I should’ve made more time for her before she left, but I didn’t. I made excuses, said I was busy, and when she planned that farewell outing, I thought I’d catch her later. Only, she left before I got the chance.

Months passed. She was gone, and we still messaged each other sometimes, but things felt different. Graduation day came, and when I saw her again after so long, I could feel the awkwardness between us. It was like we didn’t know how to talk to each other anymore, like something had shifted, but neither of us wanted to acknowledge it. We didn’t even really talk that day, just a few words exchanged, and then she was gone again.

Then came the news—she found out I was moving to Manila for work. I didn’t tell her myself; she heard it through a friend. I wasn’t sure why I didn’t reach out to her first. Maybe because I knew things had already changed, and I wasn’t sure how to handle it. That’s when she sent me the link to her blog, said she had written something for me.

I told her I’d read it once I got to Manila. But I didn’t.

Days turned into weeks, and I kept putting it off. I don’t even know why. Maybe I was scared of what she might’ve written, scared that it would confirm what I already knew—that she had feelings for me, and I wasn’t ready to face it. Months went by, and the guilt of not responding started eating at me. I wanted to, but I didn’t know what to say. How could I? I didn’t want to hurt her, but I knew I couldn’t give her what she wanted.

Then, one day, on Independence Day, I finally read it.

She had confessed her feelings—feelings she had been holding onto for so long. I could feel the weight of every word she wrote, the care, the hope. And I felt terrible for making her wait so long for a response. But I had to be honest with her. I couldn’t pretend. I couldn’t lead her on.

So I replied, months late. I told her how much I valued our friendship, how much she meant to me, but that I didn’t feel the same. It was hard to write those words, knowing that they would hurt her, but it was the truth. I couldn’t be the person she wanted me to be, and I didn’t want to give her false hope.

After I hit send, I didn’t know what to expect. I figured that was it. Our friendship was over, ruined by feelings we couldn’t control. Part of me felt relieved, like I had finally addressed the elephant in the room, but another part of me felt like I had lost something important. Something irreplaceable.

It’s been two years now since I last saw her. We don’t talk like we used to. The late-night chats have stopped, and the easygoing friendship we had has faded into something... distant. I know she’s probably moved on, and I’ve tried to do the same. But sometimes, I think back to those days when things were simpler, when we could talk for hours without the weight of unspoken feelings hanging between us.

I don’t regret being honest with her, but I do regret that things had to change. I wonder if we could have stayed friends, if there was a way to keep what we had without crossing that line. But now, it’s too late.

Sometimes, the hardest part isn’t the confession. It’s realizing that once you cross that line, you can’t go back.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Years had passed, and life had moved on, or so she thought. The memories of Yuki were tucked away somewhere deep in her heart, only surfacing in quiet moments when she allowed herself to remember the time they had spent together—the late-night conversations, the friendship that had once been so easy. It wasn’t until tonight, at a concert she hadn’t even planned on attending, that all those buried feelings came rushing back.

As the music boomed around her and the crowd swayed to the beat, she scanned the sea of faces absentmindedly. Then she froze. There he was. Yuki. Laughing with a group of friends not too far away, looking almost the same as he had in school—except more mature, more... distant. Her heart raced, and a wave of panic hit her. She wasn’t ready for this. She wasn’t ready to face him.

Without thinking, she turned and ran.

Yuki had been enjoying the concert, trying to lose himself in the music, when he saw a flash of movement in the crowd. It took him a second to register the familiar face—her face. His heart skipped a beat. She was here. After all these years, here she was, just a few feet away. But before he could even process what he was feeling, she was running. Running away.

“Wait!” Yuki called out instinctively, his feet already moving to chase her.

She wove through the crowd, her heart pounding louder than the music. She didn’t know why she was running. Maybe it was the shock, or maybe it was the fear of facing everything she had tried to bury for so long. But she couldn’t face him—not after all this time, not after everything that had happened between them.

Yuki wasn’t about to let her disappear again. He pushed through the crowd, calling her name. The sound of his voice sent a shiver down her spine, but she kept moving. Finally, she reached the exit, breathless and shaken, but before she could make it out, a hand gently grabbed her wrist.

“Please, wait,” Yuki’s voice was soft but urgent.

She stopped, frozen in place. Slowly, she turned to face him. The years had changed him—there was a seriousness in his eyes now, something different from the carefree boy she once knew. For a moment, neither of them spoke. The noise of the concert faded into the background, leaving only the two of them in the moment.

“I didn’t think I’d ever see you again,” he said, his voice low but steady.

She swallowed, her heart still racing. “I... I didn’t mean to run.”

Yuki smiled gently. “I know. But... we can’t keep running forever, can we?”

The weight of unspoken words hung between them.

The moment felt like it stretched forever, yet it passed too quickly. She stared at Yuki, his familiar face now so different in the dim light of the street outside the concert venue. Time had changed him—broadened his shoulders, deepened the lines around his eyes—but there was something else. Distance.

“Yuki…” she began, but her voice faltered. What could she say to bridge the years of silence and the painful words left unspoken?

Yuki’s smile faded, replaced with a somber expression that mirrored the weight in her chest. “I’ve thought about you a lot,” he said quietly, his eyes not meeting hers. “About what happened between us, how we just… drifted apart.”

She felt her heart twist at his words. The memories came flooding back: late-night chats, stolen glances, the warmth of their friendship turning into something she had kept hidden for so long. The confession she had finally sent him, hoping that maybe, just maybe, he’d feel the same. Only for it to be met with silence.

“You never responded,” she whispered, the hurt she had buried for so long rising to the surface. “I waited, Yuki. For months, I waited.”

He winced, the guilt clear in his eyes. “I know. And I’m sorry. I didn’t know how to reply. I didn’t want to hurt you… but I didn’t realize how much I already had by saying nothing.”

She felt the sting of tears, but she blinked them back. “You broke me,” she said, her voice trembling. “I put everything I felt into that message, and you just… left me hanging. I thought we meant something to each other. I thought I meant something to you.”

Yuki took a deep breath, the regret etched into his features. “You did. You do. But when I got your message, I… I was scared. I didn’t want to ruin our friendship, and I didn’t know if I could give you what you were asking for. I wasn’t ready.”

His words hit her like a punch to the gut. All this time, she had held onto the hope that maybe, deep down, he had felt the same way but was too afraid to admit it. But hearing him now, she realized how wrong she had been.

“I loved you, Yuki,” she said, her voice breaking. “I really loved you. And you just… let me go.”

The silence between them was suffocating. Yuki looked at her, his eyes filled with sorrow. “I know,” he said, his voice barely above a whisper. “And I’m sorry. But I couldn’t love you the way you deserved to be loved.”

Her heart shattered at his words, the final confirmation of what she had feared all along. There was no ‘what if.’ There was no going back. Everything they had was truly lost.

She looked down, biting her lip to keep from crying. She had promised herself she wouldn’t cry in front of him, not now, not after everything. “So that’s it, huh?” she said bitterly. “We’re just strangers now, after everything?”

Yuki’s silence was answer enough.

She felt the tears start to slip down her cheeks, but she quickly wiped them away. She couldn’t do this anymore—couldn’t keep holding onto something that was never going to happen.

“I thought seeing you again would change things,” she admitted, her voice barely above a whisper. “But now… I realize it doesn’t. We’re not the same people we were, Yuki. And I can’t keep pretending that we are.”

He reached out as if to comfort her, but she took a step back. She couldn’t bear his touch. Not now. Not when it was all too late.

“I’m sorry,” he said again, his voice cracking with emotion. But it wasn’t enough. It would never be enough.

She looked at him one last time, memorizing the face of the boy she had loved, the boy who had broken her heart without even knowing it. “Goodbye, Yuki.”

Before he could say anything, she turned and walked away. This time, she didn’t run. She didn’t need to. Because she knew—deep down—that this was the real goodbye. Not just to Yuki, but to the hope she had carried for so long.

And as she disappeared into the crowd, Yuki stood there, watching her go, knowing that he had lost something he would never be able to get back.

[moonsaver]

Good day, I just wanted to share with you some of my personal headcannons on the Care Package series (I’m too shy to post it myself). I’ll start with the first five stars we got in the Game:

Seele:

•The package is dark purple with a bright hot pink stripe, the most interesting feature is the purple butterfly clip on the side of the box.

•Seele doesn’t wait for anyone to open her box, she gladly explores on her own. She doesn’t like being held but she does love to clim on

•Beginner stage seele is rowdy and very wild, so she’s intended for extroverted and energetic caretakers. In the Beginning stage she has her [Hunt] skill which urges her to scavenge and look for things to bring back to her box, don’t be surprised if she brings back a dead mouse or cockroach. She’ll protect her treasures but with a little nudging she can, albeit reluctantly, throw away her things. She’ll also develop a little later in this stage the [Camp] skill to further improve not just her box but decorate at least a 15 cm meter area around it with any things she collects.

•Caretakers are heavily advised to strategically place small buttons or [Props] that come with the box in the Room where Seele is in to prevent her from going to far or bring any strange objects. After a week or two hunting she’ll go through her next stage

•Middle stage seele goes through her more scavenger era, she isn’t as wild anymore but is more incline to hunt with her skill evolving to [Hunt II] granting her a more stealthy approach, she’ll also develop the [Hide] skill making her more elusive. In addition she also want to train with the [Scythe Prop]. In this stage she’ll become and insist on being independent and will be more isolating than usual with her being inflicted with the [Lone Wolf] status so it’s recommended to spend time with her through make shift treasure hunts to prevent her from feeling lonely. Another advice if the caretaker is too busy is givee Seele a Bronya Companion which will not only speed up her stage advancement but will also prevent her from being afflicted with the [Lone Wolf] status. However be warned that Beginner Stage Seele amd Beginner Stage Bronya will fight and constantly bicker so its best to have both me Middle or Advanced Stage. Other companions that can achieve similar results include Silver Wolf and Trailblazer.

• If you ever have a hard time locating a hiding seele then just gently tap the butterfly on her box, this will cause the butterfly to glow signaling Seele to go back. Once Seele has return within close proximity of the box, the butterfly will stop glowing. Its best for the Caretaker to give Seele some food such as crab to increase affection levels as this moment is where Seele is at her most vulnerable.

•Once Seele enters the advanced stage her personality becomes more calm but still has that wild edge. She is more likely to stick around her shelter but will accompany her caretaker if she needed. She will also obtain her signature skills [Amidst the Sea of Butterflies] allowing her to enter stealth mode for a few seconds. In the advanced stage she can help caretakers locate and track things with her skills. In this advanced stage she can break up fights between other care packages and keep genera peace in the house. She can also be great puppy sitter as she can keep up with dogs energy. She also love’s outdoors and camping so its very helpful to bring her along during walks and camping trips as she can also set up using her [Camp II] skill.

•Overall Seele is a great companion to have but she is targeted to either to energetic kids or Outdoorsy adults. She can be a good beginner companion due to her independent nature.

Notes: What do you think? I hope I did well, your care package series has been running around my mind all week and I am eagerly anticipating the next the installment. I still have some ideas about other characters but this is my first one. I just love Seele cause she was actually my second five star DPS and carrier my butt through the mid game

Hi winter!! So sorry it took me a long time to answer this request. I love the headcannons so far!!

Seele is pretty great! I love her headstrong and rough-edged personality that doesn't pity but rather pushes people on instead. I think this care package headcannon pretty much rounds it up for her! I might aswell just tag your writing under her if i ever decide to write for belobog! Haha.

Nothing much else to say other than the writing is great! I appreciate these works in my inbox. I hope you can continue posting such works without growing shy in the future! I think it's neat!

[btspeedfreaxx]

I realize it’s been a while. I sincerely apologize. Life has just been so busy… and I think I speak on behalf of all my BT/DZ brethren, sisteren and non-binary friends when I say that it truly hasn’t been the same without either Acchan and Issay in this world.

How has it already been a year-?! Today especially has been very very rough. However much I have healed since perhaps one of the 2 worst days of my life… here today it feels like all that grief, loss and regret came flooding back to me. Like it just happened. Yet in the blink of an eye, it’s now been a full year since we lost Issay.💔 just the mere thought of that makes me want to cry… yet I’ve out poured so many tears over him… that it’s to the point where it psychically hurts today. Nothing comes out, And yet they don’t stop. Ever since that day, I’ve never stopped thinking about him. Or Acchan. Both are forever my eternal heroes.♾️🥹

It’s thanks to Atsushi that Issay saved my life. I’d known about his existence for quite some time, but never payed much attention to him. Until the last stretch of 2021, stretched into the start of 2022.

**Trigger warning folks- I want to tell my story… but this gets dark. So if you want to skip ahead, I completely understand. But in short form… I’d somehow managed to crawl out of the abyss from a 4 year battle with addiction that almost k!lled me. I don’t want to go into details- but during that time I did many awful things. To my family who were just trying to help; to the few friends from highschool that I managed to keep with me, who I then pushed away. When I realized what I had done, I found myself in an abyss, even darker than the last. It was extremely lonely- I felt so numb, isolated, and distant from the world. Like I was floating. I almost didn’t make it.

But within this abyss, I got to know Issay. And I fell head over heels in love with this endlessly fascinating and charismatic man, who was so Unapologetic about who he was, and seemed to share so much in common with my own self. So much of our views on life were the same. Reading about his story… about how he came to write Matsu Uta. It’s amazing how an artist who doesn’t even know you exist can strike you where you feel it most- for somehow his lyrics for Matsu Uta spoke exactly to how I felt in that time. I’d found a new saviour. Which is why I chose to sing Matsu Uta above.⏫ it made me realize that I wasn’t alone. That I wasn’t a burden to my parents or anyone.

“I’ve been here since some time ago

Staying here, sleeping in a standstill

People pass me by

The wind passes me by too

Dreams?　Despair?　Or is it hope?

I wait for you…

I’m just waiting for you

A plethora of times pass me by

A plethora of dreams pass me by

Flickering shadows keep dancing

While I simply stand defenseless

I just want to stand here and wait

I wait for you…

I’m just waiting for you”

(*lyrics translated by Yoshiyuki and taken from their site ;p),

It’s because of that song, because of Issay that I saw a light. And it kept me going, bit by bit. One small baby step at a time. And even when I stumbled back- I now had both he and Acchan’s bodies of art and music to catch my fall, and to comfort my wounds whenever I needed solace. Had it not been for either of these bands, especially Der Zibet at that time, I would not be here today.

Acchan and Issay didn’t just save my life, through them they changed my life, and transformed me into a far better person than I was back then. even after their psychical passings- I feel I still continue to learn more and transcend my inner self, through their legacies of which I swore to carry out, and through every single fan/person who knew them personally. Who continue to do nothing but outpour in love and praise for the 2 of them. For how genuinely compassionate and caring about the world they were. Their “love story” truly opened my eyes towards my own views on life, love and what it could mean.

So Acchan, Issay… if you are somehow reading this. From the bottom of my heart- since I’ll never have the chance sadly to say this to you both in real life. Thank you, so much. 🥹🌸🖤🦇🥀✨♾️ I hope and pray wherever it is you 2 are. You’re at peace. And you are where music and love are up there.

In the meantime, with whatever time I may have left here on earth- I vow that I will never ever shut up. About either of you. 🖤 I love and miss you both so much.♾️🥹 forever and always.

🌈✨ see you over the rainbow someday. Thank you all for reading. Please take care… cherish all that you love. And live life to the fullest that you can.

🦇🥀 rest in power my beloved count. A forever legend to me. Always. https://youtu.be/DY0rVs3pT9A?si=ccO-KWJ-rLJsvZUV

[bluegekk0]

question 18 for anyone (or even everyone)

18. Who/what comforts your character?

Vyrm - I think the answer for "who" is obvious. The two are extremely close and depend on each other for comfort and just about anything (to the point it can be considered unhealthy). Vyrm has always had the tendency to shut himself off and hide whenever he feels terrible, and after getting together with Grimm, a lot of that instinct turned into him crawling towards Grimm for comfort. Which means that, whenever Grimm is unavailable for whatever reason, Vyrm certainly struggles. For the first few years of their relationship it was a big problem, he would hide from everyone and feel even more stressed that Grimm wasn't there to comfort him. But over time he found other ways to cope. The cloak Grimm gave him for his birthday is a big comfort item for him, so hugging it like it's a blanket is a good way for him to deal with his emotions and relax. And if he feels a bit stronger and simply just needs to distract himself from negative emotions, he goes to his workshop and spends his time there listening to quiet tunes, having a tasty snack from time to time.

Grimm - mirroring what I said above, Vyrm is the person he goes to if he needs comforting. Generally, it's more often thay he's the one offering comfort, but sometimes his emotions get the better of him, or he's simply just exhausted after a long day, and in those moments he appreciates Vyrm's embrace and a reminder that he's doing well. Otherwise, just like Vyrm, he seeks comfort in his work. Performance rehearsals, supervising preparations within the Troupe, checking on Divine and her crew to see the new costumes she's working on, basically anything that can keep his mind busy while he's dealing with his emotions. Back in the day, during Vyrm's absence, he was in a terrible mental state and would frequently isolate himself and reach for alcohol as a way to cope, but it's something he quickly sorted out as soon as Vyrm returned. He does still enjoy some wine or mead from time to time, but only during celebrations or casually, not as a form of distraction or coping.

Hornet - I probably won't go too in as much detail about the others but I thought I'd still mention something. Hornet doesn't immediately seek affection as a form of comfort, so she tends to disappear in her room. Instead of finding comfort in others, she focuses on something mundane to keep her mind off of things, like maintaining her needle and tools.

Holly - they find the attention of others to be very comforting, so whenever they need a hug or soothing words, they seek Vyrm or Grimm (or even Hornet, though she's not the best at comforting). It's not rare that either of them wakes up from a nap only to see Holly resting their head next to them, as they didn't want to wake them up. If that's not possible, then they try to find comfort in drawing, sewing or taking care of plants. They have a small garden behind the house that they like to tend to, so if you can't find them anywhere, that's usually the best place to check.

Zote - he claims he doesn't need comforting and that hugs are for babies, but in reality he very much needs it. He's obviously never going to ask for advice, let alone comforting words, so instead he just hangs out with Holly as a form of distraction. They're not very interesting to watch, but their calm presence helps a lot. Plus I think it's very heartwarming that they have such a positive effect on him.

Lewk, Asta and Milo - mentioning them all at once cause I would just be repeating myself otherwise. Their parents are their biggest source of comfort, whenever they're sad they cling to Vyrm or Grimm for hugs and soothing words. In Milo's case, as he's particularly sensitive, his Tiktik plushie offers him a lot of comfort whenever his dads are absent. On top of that, the kids also comfort one another - for example, if Lewk notices that the twins need hugs, he will cuddle next to them to offer them warmth, which they find very comforting. Consequently, Asta does the same with Milo, and he tries to return it, albeit in a very awkward manner.

[brokenmusicboxwolfe]

The other day I wanted to show someone a photo of something on my camera. This involved clicking through a LOT of pics.

On seeing some of my sculpted faces… “What do you DO with them?” Well, I sculpt them like doodles, take pics to post on Tumblr (and have a record if they break) during breakfast, and then wrap them in tissue before throwing them into a storage container. When the storage container is full I start another, but they never come out again….

I mean, what could I do? Little faces sculpted with little care, no work space or money to buy materials for casting or adding them to anything, and too fragile for a lot of handling.

I sculpt them because my fingers need to sculpt. I sculpt because it’s a quick and easy way to have made something at the end of the day. I sculpt to hold the hollowness of my existence at bay. The act of sculpting and having sculpted is all that matters. Turning them, reducing them really, into a product never crosses my mind!

On seeing my photos of the woods… “You need to make Tik Tok videos of them! People make a LOT of money on there and your photos are so good!”

Well, first, most people on Tik Tok probably don’t make any money at all. And the ones that get rich are the equivalent of community theater actors becoming movie stars. They are rare.

Secondly, TikTok means videos. I don’t even make video things I want to record (ex. those otters chatting and playing) because my very old tech is so rickety and out of memory. I can’t fit a video on my computer, and I can’t edit it. Plus my internet is so poor I doubt I can upload videos if I wanted to.

Thirdly, as far as I can tell without being on TikTok, it involves a lot of people filming themselves. I can NOT put my ugly face and hideous voice online as it might be considered a crime against humanity!

Look, there isn’t enough me for MORE social media. Just posting on Tumblr is getting to be almost too much for me. It has been YEARS since I posted on Facebook (hate it! That place does my brain in). I keep meaning to do something with my Ko-Fi, but I can’t even get around to adding more pics. I’d never have the time or energy for TikTok!

I get it though. I have heard it before. Someone once said there was “No excuse” for someone so “talented” (HA! That’s a joke!) not making money. They think it’s just a matter of throwing things out there and the world will flock to you.

It isn’t like that. Even if I were as talented as they assume, it would take at the very least a huge investment of time and energy I don’t have. I got soooo envious of a sculptor at a comic con who told me how her husband takes care of the business so she can make art. Not everyone has someone to help them. Mostly though, success is simply a matter of luck!

But there people go, letting you know that anything you do that doesn’t make money is a waste. It’s proof you aren’t trying hard enough.

There are people creating masterpieces out there that will die in poverty, but their making things is NOT a waste of time! It’s not a waste of time to make things that make you happy, even if you never make a damn penny! If your life is better for it, that’s enough!

And here I am, working my ass off to survive, living in isolation and wearing myself away, even cutting back on my own food to save money (grocery shopping once a month now…oh, joy!), and yet I am made to feel guilty for spending a couple hours at night sculpting or taking pictures during my increasingly rare and short walks in the woods. How dare I make myself smile instead of falling down dead chasing hypothetical dollars???

I’m barely sculpting anymore. I’m struggling to get to the woods at all. I’m so worn out I’m having trouble even finding these things fun anymore, and now I’m supposed to add guilt and shame because I’m not making a profit?

It’s like if you live in a desert but have a spring on your property. The stream is drying out, but you need it to survive. And someone rolls up saying, “Hey! You need food, so why haven’t you sold your water rights?? I’m being helpful here, but you just aren’t trying!”

People always assume I’m sitting on a gold mine I’m just too lazy or stupid to exploit. It makes me angry. And tired.

[skippyv20]

Skip, Julie here. Is your blog boring No. is the variety of articles you post and comment on interesting enough to keep coming back, Yes.

However, I have pondered many times about your need to have any time to yourself and your family. You devote an enormous amount of time to us all and I am certain that it has become an expectation that you will just be there whenever we ( who appreciate and really do adore you, by the way) decide that we have the time or inclination to check in. So, it becomes a one way street and that is absolutely not right, fair or appropriate to do to you who has devoted years of your life to building up from humble beginnings and maintaining this blog.

Are your efforts appreciated absolutely. Do we miss you when you go off line for some technical reasons absolutely but is it fair to expect you to be always available, No it is not.

Your blog is not now nor was it ever boring. I for one love the variety of the articles you post and the discussion around certain subjects. Some people are very isolated and you are their lifeline however you must never feel obligated to be there constantly. I am heartened to read that you are staying but I do wish you would take time out for yourself.

I too was 100% PH and like many was flabbergasted to realise the depths of his jealousy, vindictiveness and selfishness that drives him.

I personally love this blog. You and Mr Skip devote so much time to us all that even though I come here daily, often a few times a day I believe you need to take time out as and when you can and need to just be you in your own bubble. After all, when I am busy, or go about living me life or go on holiday I just do it but you have been unable to do that for 8 years. You have been here, day in, day out, Easter, Christmas and even when you have had family visit and when Mr Skip was in hospital and then recuperating from his serious medical problems.

Your site is amazing so it’s not that anyone thinks you are boring I think it’s that we are selfish in that we come and go and expect you to just be there when or if we choose to log in. So, please don’t change your site but do take time to yourself even if that means less content or you having days off.

Julie, you are so kind and thoughtful.  Thank you so much.  You know I have always gotten so much more than I can say, from being here.  I love you all, I appreciate the support all these years.  The reason I am always around is because I am checking for prayer requests, or someone needs to chat.  I usually come to check in for a moment, then I am lost and right back in.  I don’t have a problem with being here, or the time I spend here.  I am very fortunate that Mr. Skippy is so supportive.  He has always been so very touched by all the love and support we both got during his trials over the years.  He loves that being here makes me so happy.  I have been out of sorts lately, as I still miss my Cathy pup…I have had many pups but Cathy for some reason is very hard on me.  I wanted to get another pup in the spring, but I decided I have to be realistic.  We have two left, God willing for many years, but likely anything can happen between now and the next five years.  Oliver is 10.  Panda is 9.  I will be in my 70′s when I lose them.  I hate even thinking about that…but it would be my daughter and SIL that would be left with a pup.  It would be a real struggle for my daughter as her illness can have her worn out.  So, I have decided no new baby pup.  This decision I came to last night, and it isn’t sitting too well with me.  I guess that is what led me to my posting my reevaluating myself being here.  Anyways, I thank YOU Julie for staying with me all these years, and I do look forward to our furthering our journey together…..love and hugs dear Julie…🙏🏻❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

[thorniest-rose]

I’m being completely honest when I say this: I actually think that Prism has changed my life. I don’t want this to turn into a trauma dumping session so I’ll try to keep it short. In 2020-2022 I was in an incredibly abusive relationship, both mentally and physically. My ex manipulated and gaslit me, and made me isolate myself from all of my friends. As I’ve never really had a family, I was completely alone apart from him. Our relationship ended in December last year, when my best friend found out I was still living with my abuser (I had lied, and said I was living with an aunt), and came and helped me get all my things so that I could move into her studio apartment with her. She also gave me the courage and support to finally make a report. The trial was last wednesday, and the verdict came today. Since he admitted to everything, and the evidence was so plentiful, he’s going to prison for almost a year.

I’m telling you this, because I need you to know just how important Prism has been for me. When I first read the warning chapter, I thought I wouldn’t even make it halfway through the first chapter, but your portrayal of abuse is so amazingly accurate that I found myself captivated.

Instead of it being triggering for me, as I was initially scared it would be, Prism has been a story that I’ve been able to see myself in. I’ve found myself audibly reacting to lines about how Steve believes Billy’s abuse will cease if he just gets everything right, if he’s not a burden. It hit hard, like a punch to the gut, but settled into a warm feeling not entirely unlike a post workout ache. I want to thank you for your naked and raw portrayal of abuse, and how victims of abuse often believe themselves deserving of the violence. I read, and I see Steve, but I also see myself at nineteen years old, scared, alone and hurt. Knowing that what’s being done to me is wrong, but still believing it to be deserved. Thank you for giving me this opportunity to process and heal my own traumas through an unconventional (but highly effective (and even endorsed by my therapist!)) way. I look forward to reading future chapters and seeing where Steve ends up, if he gets out similarly to how I did.

Perhaps worth mentioning, as I’m writing this I haven’t yet read the newest chapter, as I wanted to save it for after the trial was completely over to treat myself. Judging from some of your asks talking about a certain bathroom scene, chances are I’ll be giggling and kicking my feet before this night is over, dreaming about my own Prism Eddie sweeping me away (kidding… unless..?)).

THANK YOU again!! Love you💞

— 🐞

Hello darling, first of all I want to apologise and say how sorry I am for taking a few days to answer this, I was on a really busy work trip last week. I got back over the weekend and wanted time to devote some time to answering it, but I want you to know that I read this the moment you sent it in and I cried in my hotel room.

When Az and I started Prism, we joked with each other that only five people would read it because of how different and provocative it is, how painful and unpleasant. And it's far exceeded our expectations, but we said if that was the case and only a handful of people read it, it would be okay because the people who'd read it would love it, and if we could touch just one person with our writing, then it would all be worth it.

So reading everything you put in your ask has deeply touched me, it means so much more than fandom popularity, than writing a fic that everyone is talking about, or writing something flashy and superficial that appeals to a mass audience. Knowing Prism has meant so much to you, and has helped you during such a hard time in your life, will have always made the creation of this fic worth it. And all I can say is thank you. Thank you so much for telling me because I feel like this is the dream of any writer. To know their writing has made a difference in someone's life. It's a blessing to write Prism and for you to have found it, my love.

Secondly, I want you to know how incredibly brave I think you are. Abusive relationships are so consuming and they break you down completely, pulling you into their orbit and destroying everything good in your life. It's probably no surprise that Az and I have imbued elements of abusive relationships we've had in the past into Prism, so I can empathise. Honestly, reading what you've been through pulls at my heart. I'm so, so sorry that you went through all of that, for so long, and that you were hurt and manipulated by the one person who should have looked after you. But for you to have the bravery after all that to leave him? And to make a report? To have the courage to stand up to him and see him put behind bars? God, I'm crying writing this now. I'm just so happy and hopeful for you in this next stage of your life without him, and I might not know who you are but I'm thinking about you, and I think you're incredible. You're beautiful and strong and so completely amazing.

There was part of me that wanted to keep this in my inbox for longer and protect it because it's so special, but I knew you deserved an answer. I hope you see this. If you do please let me know.

Thank you for your ask. Thank you, thank you. You, and people like you, have turned the creation of Prism into such a beautiful and life-changing experience <333

[shirogane-oushirou]

poppy red, chocolate cosmos, and maroon for ren? :3c

nick my friend nick~!! hope you're having a friend lead-up to valentines day with kylar and rika and the squid kids~~~! you're going to have a busy day KJNASKJDN. 🙏🏻💕 ty for the ask!!!

Poppy Red: How familiar is your f/o about Valentine's Day or their source's equivalent of it? What's their opinion of it?

ren has had a number of partners in the past, and so has had multiple experiences with valentines day, ranging from "that was... fine...!" to "DISASTER" :'( he tried to make up for a socially isolated childhood by finding Someone. Anyone. to be in a relationship with, and he'd often flip from completely overdoing things to trying to play it too casual. his partners would inevitably leave feeling some level of disappointed... so the day's somewhat tainted by bad memories. that plus his general negative feelings towards holidays (family shit yippee) makes valentines supremely stressful for him, even though the /CONCEPT/ of the day seems nice! it takes someone with similar social expectations and views of most holidays (hieeeeee. smile.) to finally find a good middle ground approach to the day that works for both of us!.... it still stresses him out though. poor thing. 😫

Chocolate Cosmos: If your f/o was talking about you to someone like a close friend, how exactly would they talk about you? How would they describe you? Characterize you? And how often do they talk about you to other people?

before dating, doc! and v!ren spend a lot of time trying to avoid the fact that he likes me (doesn't want a repeat of past bad relationships, doesn't want to ruin something good, etc), so i feel like he's the "oh they're such a fun FRIEND, i love being their FRIEND, my FRIEND ro showed me this thing--" type, like he's trying to convince himself that that's how he sees me. most others see right through him though KJASNDKJN. r!ren doesn't have as many hangups about his relationships so he's more straightforward. if he was talking to his coworkers, he'd keep things to a Normal level. he'd mention me if he needed to refer to me for something ("oh, ro said that movie was good, do you recommend it too?" "ro and i went to a botanical garden this weekend, how about you?"), though if he was watching me stream art during a lunch break and someone asked about it, he'd fawn over me ("YEAH it's cool right? that's my FRIEND ro, they drew all of these things, look look look you can see them drawing now, they're--") kJNASDKJN. around his sister, though? no holds barred. she's the one who puts it in his head that he's ALLOWED to try romance again, and that i seem sensible and that we'd be fairly attuned to each other, so ofc she's the one he always goes to if he needs to gush. i think he'd focus on my perseverance and passion, but also my art skills, the efforts i've made to improve myself, the "gap moe" between my resting blank face vs my care for others + excitement over my interests, and uhhhhh how cute he thinks i am KJNSKJN. and i think he'd want to stress how much calmer he feels in our relationship. his past relationships all ended up being pretty shallow and unhealthy because he wasn't in the right mindset for it. now that he has a relationship that, even on days when we don't agree w each other, is infinitely healthier and easier... he wants anyone listening to know that i'm irreplaceable to him.

Maroon: What are both of your love languages? How much do they clash and/or mesh with each other?

his are quality time + physical touch, mine is acts of service. i feel like we've worked things out pretty well, actually! when he's done with work, we'll spend the evening just sitting together, snuggling and enjoying each others' company and catching up on each others' days. i like to cook nice meals for him when i can; no matter which ren it is, he could use a little extra nutrition sjkdfn. if i'm in his place, i also like to tidy up while he's out, and with my health situation, i deeply appreciate when he goes out of his way to bring things to me or help clean things around my place when i can't get up ;;; 😭 and we'll sometimes do things that combine all of our languages together!! once in a while, we'll take a night to shower together, one of us sitting in a shower chair while the other thoroughly washes their hair and body, massaging their scalp and helping them relax, and then we switch places. then we get into soft pjs, dry each others' hair, maybe continue with some skincare... yknow. just. spending time really focusing on each other, connecting physically in a non-sexual way, and doing something kind to help let out tension. 🥺💕

(ask game here)

[stardust-in-my-mind-blog]

an ugly ride

this situation deeply triggered me

I could feel the tornado in my mind

the spinning and fire and deep deep feelings

of shame and worthlessness and powerlessness

suddenly feeling like I deserved the punishment

the blame and the disrespect and insults

it was scary not to be able to control my thoughts

to think I was hysterical and crazy because of that

which means the wounding was deeper than I thought

shit ok this experience was a good reality check

this feeling moved in cycles the last two summers

being blamed for being depressed and overwhelmed

there was no money and most the time I didn't have a car

and I was being devalued and discarded and invalidated

and he told everyone around us that I was the problem

triangulated me and exiled me from the family

and criticized literally everything I was doing

he mentioned today that I went off my anxiety

and depression medication but I did that with

my doctor and made significant changes to my routines

to keep myself regulated with journaling and yoga

prescribed medical cannabis and a tool box of

creative and logical coping mechanisms

if there's no money for food or health insurance

it kind of makes therapy a low priority

nothing was done randomly or without planning

I have all of this documented which means on some level

I knew what was going on but

didn't know how to get out of it quickly

yes, I have trauma and can be triggered

but the time between the dysregulation reaction

and my ability to come back to a place of balance

has improved in significant ways

there has been good progress

and I actually know and have accepted my trauma

with journals of shadow work and information

and wisdom and knowledge that I have put into

practice in my daily life and know

how to stay in the present moment

I have habits of isolation and avoidance

but the kids are doing well and like themselves

they feel safe with me even though with all these changes

I've been a little less focused while I build back up

a personal and professional identity that I willingly

sacrificed to be with Theo during his formative years

and to support the man I married build his business

because I thought I was building a life together

with someone who never quite made good on his promises

and I don't regret making that choice

I couldn't have known the future

even if I ended up financially fucked

and mentally manipulated to a point where

I forgot for awhile who I was

the path forward will only solidify my new life

and this new version of myself I am currently becoming

everything is okay and nothing has changed

everything I have rebuilt is still here

for a moment it just felt like the world was crumbling

and that makes sense with my experiences

the universe moves for you not against you

and other people are just characters

who show you parts of yourself

that you need to acknowledge and love

or in this case heal and learn from

everything is okay and everything lost

is replaceable and I just have to keep moving forward

and I will believe the best is yet to come

I can always write another story

to deal with the anger I have for him

healing and releasing trauma

means walking steadfast through the situations

that trigger the shit out of you

and noticing how you respond differently

and at least I can do that right now

and I'm proud