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moonandstarshyuck · 5 months ago

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"Always."

lando norris x gn!bf!reader

notes: I haven’t written since 2019, so bear with me. I’ve found myself thinking about a little blurb for Lando recently (actually a lot of ideas, but this one is sticking with me more than the others at the moment).

For some context, Lando’s been receiving a huge amount of hate online (and in-person) recently. I haven’t been a fan for that long—I got into F1 this summer, in 2024—but I’ve grown to care about him. I was there for Lando losing the championship, and while I think we all knew it would come to this (Max winning felt inevitable) but I’m proud of Lando for pushing so hard this entire year.

Still, with all the hate directed at him, I’m seeing a new side of him, and I’m learning that he’s a person with feelings like anyone else. I can tell he doesn’t always have the highest opinion of himself and tends to take the blame for anything that goes wrong during his races. What struck me about this is how much I relate to it. I blame myself for things out of my control or when I mess up. What sucks with Lando is that his small, human errors are what so many people focus on to criticize him—whether it’s why he didn’t win the championship or why they think he’s a bad person (which he absolutely isn’t).

The inspiration for this came from an interview he did after the Brazilian GP. At that point, everyone knew it was almost mathematically impossible for Lando to win the championship, and he talked about struggling in the aftermath: “I literally couldn’t sleep for the first two days…So I did like, what, 36-40 hours straight. So that probably made everything worse. When you’re tired, you’re more moody, and that kind of thing…I was just sat at home alone. It probably would have been better if I had been with my friends. But they don’t live in Monaco. They also have lives and are busy doing other things. And I’m a big overthinker, so like the whole flight home, the whole week, it just played over and over in my head. What could I have done differently? Why did I do that? Why did I not do this? You start thinking of all the scenarios that you kind of blame yourself for, why it’s now not possible, that kind of thing. And yeah, because I overthink and I struggle with that kind of thing, that took a bigger toll in the days after. It wasn’t an easy time.”

And I keep on finding myself wishing someone could have been there for him in person, so that he was okay. So, I wrote this. The reader in this is dating Lando but is written as a gender-neutral character that uses They/Them pronouns. The reader also has a service dog, a Bernese Mountain Dog named Thunder, to help with their own depression and anxiety (I’m not an expert on service dogs, so this many not be 100% accurate).

They woke up that early morning to the sunlight shining on their face, streaming in from the window outside. The bliss of sleep clung to them as they lay there, cocooned in warmth, the covers snug around their body. They stretched lazily, blinking their eyes open.

Instinctively, they turned to look beside them—only to find the space next to them empty. It’s too early in the morning to be anywhere else but in bed, even for training, they thought. Lando should still be here.

The realization pulled them out of their sleepy haze. The past couple of days had been not kind to Lando. They knew that he had a tendency to keep his feelings bottled up and beat himself up over his perceived failures. They understood that feeling all too well—the guilt, the constant sense of disappointment, the nagging thought that were never good enough. They had wrestled with those feelings since they were a child.

It wasn’t something that had an easy fix. If they had found the answer, they would have shared it with Lando years ago. But they had learned that the best way to fight those thoughts wasn’t isolation. Talking to someone, writing feelings down, even simple positive affirmations—thought they might sound silly—could help push back against the negative spiral. They had told Lando this countless times.

But Lando had a problem with not wanting to “inconvenience” anyone with his emotions. No matter how many times they reassured him that they were always there for him, he struggled to let himself. They didn’t blame him—it was human to struggle against your own mind.

What made everything worse was the constant online hate. Every little mistake or sarcastic comment from Lando seemed to turn into an avalanche of criticism. They remembered the first time they’d seen him like a hateful comment about himself on Instagram—the little heart next to a cruel statement, paired with note: “Creator liked this.” It had broken their heart. How could the Lando they loved ever believe such awful things about himself?

After Brazil, it had been clear that he wasn’t okay. He’d barely spoken since coming home, choosing instead to himself. They had given him space, hoping he’d find a way to process his feelings. But by the second morning, when he still hadn’t come to bed—almost forty hours after returning home—they knew they couldn’t stand by any longer.

That morning, they rose slowly from the bed, a plan beginning to form in their mind. Lanod needed someone to step in—someone to remind him he didn’t have to face his struggles alone. They were determined to be that person for him. They couldn’t take it anymore, seeing the person they loved so badly, punishing himself over his ‘failures.’

The first step was to confirm where he was. Grabbing their phone, they opened Twitch and navigated to Max’s stream. After a few moments of watching, they heard Lando’s voice—tired, strained, but unmistakably his. He was joking with Max, his words clipped, like he was holding himself together with sheer willpower. It was enough to break their heart. They opened their messages with Max.

Thunder's Owner

Lan’s streaming with you rn?

Sent at 7:48 AM.

After a few seconds, Max replied.

Maximilian

Yeah he’s on voice-only.

Sent at 7:50 AM.

Gonna do something about him?

Sent at 7:50 AM.

Max knew. Of course he did. He probably heard the exhaustion in Lando’s voice, the edge self-loathing that came with overthinking. They typed back quickly:

Thunder's Owner

Yeah

Sent 7:52 AM.

Going to unplug his setup and drag him out of there.

Sent 7:52 AM.

Maximilian

Lol.

Sent 7:52 AM.

I’ll keep an eye out for when he disappears.

Sent 7:53 AM.

Thunder's Owner

Thx

Sent 7:54 AM.

They quietly made their way to Lando’s gaming room and eased the door open. Lando sat at his desk, controller in hand, headset clamped over messy curls. He looked worn down, his shoulders slumped as he focused on the screen. His voice through, muted put playful, as he bantered with Max.

For a moment, they just watched him. Even now, he was handsome, but the tiredness in his expression made their chest ache. He deserved rest. He deserved to feel okay. And he wasn’t going to get that by sitting here punishing himself.

As soon as Lando died in-game and leaned back in his chair, they seized the opportunity. They crossed the room, catching his attention when they came into view.

“Why’re you—” Lando began, frowning, but they didn’t let him finish. Reaching down, they unplugged everything from the wall.

“What the hell—” he exclaimed, spinning around in his chair.

“No,” they said firmly, cutting him off. “I’m not you hurt yourself anymore. Get up.”

Lando blinked, clearly taken aback. “You can’t just do that!” he protested, but they were already tugging gently at him arm, urging him out of his chair.

“Angel, what are you—”

“No,” they repeated, their voice steady. “Get up,”

Lando hesitated for a moment before letting out a resigned sigh and standing. They took his hand, leading him out of the gaming room and down the hall to the living room. He didn’t resist, but he followed like a man in a daze. Once they reached the couch, they turned to him. “Sit,” they said, pointing at the cushions. Lando raised an eyebrow, opening his mouth to argue, but they shook their head. “Stay.”

They turned to Thunder, who had been waiting for them in the hallway, and told him, “Thunder, guard,” while pointing at Lando.

The dog immediately moved into position, standing alert in front of the couch. Lando’s eyes widened slightly as Thunder fixed him with an unblinking stare. He shifted as if to get up, but Thunder’s stance didn’t waver.

“Jeez, I wasn’t going to get up,” he mumbled to Thunder, but Thunder just sat there and watched him until he fully relaxed back into the couch.

The thought ran through Lando’s head, how he had honestly forgotten how menacing his own dog could look. He knew Thunder was trained, saw reminders of it daily with how he interacted with his partner, but he was still shocked at how trained Thunder really was at that moment.

Thunder was still staring at him when he pulled out his phone from his pocket, opening up his texts with Max.

I was just dragged out of my gaming room and told to sit on the couch and like a dog.

Sent at 8:05 AM.

Not against it, but how tf did they get so determined?

Sent at 8:05 AM.

Thunder’s watching me right now.

Sent at 8:06 AM.

I forgot how menacing he could be.

Sent at 8:06 AM.

*Picture attached.*

Lol.

Sent at 8:06 AM.

Max (The 1st One)

He’s like ‘try me, I dare you’

Sent at 8:06 AM.

Yeah, I don’t particularly want to try him

Sent at 8:07 AM.

Max (The 1st One)

Lol.

Sent at 8:07 AM.

They told me before they did it

Sent at 8:07 AM.

I just let them. Lol.

Sent at 8:07 AM.

Helpful. What if they were trying to kill me?

Sent at 8:08 AM.

They wouldn’t have had to if you kept doing what you were doing.

Sent at 8:09 AM.

Lando’s let out a quiet sigh, Max’s words sinking in. He glanced at Thunder, who hadn’t moved, and felt a pang of guilt. He’d pushed himself too far again, and this time it had clearly worried his partner.

A few minutes later, his partner walked back into their living room. He thought they looked beautiful, wearing one of his old t-shirts and a pair of boxers. They were entirely focused on the bowl they were carrying, and only looked up when they got close enough to hand it to him. He gently took the bowl, looked into it and saw it was one of his prep meals. While not his favorite breakfast, he knew he just needed to eat first, so he started taking bites.

He glanced up every so often, and each time he did, his partner was just sitting there and watching him eat. Lando almost chuckled at his own thought that they looked just like Thunder when watching him, and he smiled into his bowl at the thought. His partner didn’t see his smile, but he continued to eat until he had finished the bowl.

When he was done eating, he set the bowl down, and his partner again pulled him up by the crook of his arm. He just let them do so, having a thought of what was going to happen next.

His partner led them both down the hallway to their bedroom, and opened the door, leading him to sit on their bed, then they turned around and went to close their blinds and draw their black-out curtains to cover up the sunlight from the window. They had turned on their bedside lamp earlier, and the soft orange glow of the lamp permeated the room. They walked past him again, going to close the door after letting Thunder in, then they walked back to their side of the bed, and pulled him to lie down against them.

As he settled against their chest, he felt a bit odd, it being a bit of a difference to feel how much he was loved by them. How much they cared for him. And he finally spoke again, “Thank you.”

“Always, Lan. Always.” They replied, pressing a kiss to his hair.

And for the first time in days, he let himself sleep.

author's note: got inspired to actually write something for once...ty @koalapastries for the inspiration (unknowing inspiration but ty) (also sorry for using your layout outline

comments & reblogs appreciated

and i made the dividers :)

#formula 1 x gn reader #formula 1 x male reader #formula 1 x reader #f1 x reader #f1 x gn!reader #lando norris x reader #lando norris #lando x reader #lando x you #f1 x you

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samanthacastano02 · 3 months ago

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Perfect

Felix x FemReader

Trigger warnings: Abuse (Physical and verbal abuse from Hyunjin), fighting, tooth-rotting fluff, inaccurate medical terminology, Felix being a sweetheart and most supportive person ever, starts off as Hyunjin x FemReader ends as Felix x FemReader, mentions of break up, insecurity, probably more (This is fictional and not how I believe Hyunjin or any of the members would ever act towards someone they love)

Word Count: 10.1K

Summary: You had been dating Hyunjin for almost two years when he had asked you to join him at an event for Versace. You were excited to join him but also nervous because this would be the first time that you would be going to an event like this. You get into a fight, a fight that opens your eyes about your relationship with Hyunjin, so you leave. You call Felix for help and he becomes your rock and safe place during everything.

Photos are not mine, Credits go to photographers

I had been dating Hyunjin for close to two years, he was my first serious relationship and I didn’t know how I was supposed to be treated. I thought that the way he was treating me was the way someone who loved you treated you, not realizing that wasn’t the case.

Present:

I loved Hyunjin with everything that I had, and when he said that he was finally ready to announce our relationship to the public I was over the moon because it had been a year and a half of secret dates, secret outings and hiding it from everyone including his other members. I didn’t think much of it because he was an idol and maybe he wanted to keep this part of his life separate for some time so that it was his rather than something that he had to share with everyone. I didn’t enjoy having to sneak around but I did it for him because I loved him and I didn’t want to ruin my chances with him just because of the fact that he wanted to keep the relationship secret. When the boys finally met me, they welcomed me with open arms and treated me as if I had been friends with them the entire time. The only person who seemed to be a little standoffish and hesitant to be friends was Felix, he was always nice and held conversations when required but he always seemed to isolate himself when Hyunjin and I were hanging out with the boys together. I could never pinpoint why he acted this way, but also didn’t question it because Hyunjin never liked it when I spent one on one time with any of the boys, even Chan who saw me as an annoying younger sister.

It was a few weeks before Hyunjin had to go to Milan’s fashion week, as Versace’s ambassador. I knew that he was excited to go because it was all that he could talk about, and the preparations for it had been taking up most of his time, leaving me to busy myself with work and different things around the apartment that we shared. I was beyond proud of him because he had worked so hard for this and he deserved to have this moment. I didn’t want to bring him down by mentioning the fact that I missed him. When he came home late, I didn’t question him, when he came home smelling of different perfume I didn’t question him because I assumed that it had something to do with the fashion week and if he wanted me to know he would tell me. It was a little before midnight when he finally came home tonight, looking worn out and ready to take a very long nap.

“Hi lovie, how were your meetings? Everything almost ready for Milan Fashion Week?” I ask, as I follow him into the bedroom, crawling into bed while I wait for him to change and go through his skin care routine.

“They were good, longer than I thought they would be. I also managed to secure another ticket and want you to be my plus one.” he says finally coming back into the bedroom.

“You want me to come with? Are you sure?” “Of course, I want to share this part of my life with you.” He says, if I wasn’t as tired as I was I would have noticed the hint of annoyance in his voice.

“I’d love to join you, but I don’t have anything that I could wear.” “Love, I have an appointment set for you to get a dress from the Versace store here in town.” “Hyunjinnie, that’s so expensive though.”

“If you are going with me, you need to represent Versace along with me” He grumbles out, sliding further down into the bed.

“I can’t even afford something small from there, let alone a dress. Jinnie, I don’t want you to spend that much money on me.” “If it’s that big of a deal I’m sure we can get it as a loaner dress and when we get back from the event we can bring it back to the store. Now can we please go to bed, it’s been a long day and I’m tired.”

“Right, of course. Sleep well Jinnie.” I lean over, gently kissing his cheek.

It was only a few days later that I was walking into the Versace store and feeling very much out of my element. I wasn’t used to this high end of a store, so trying to figure out where I needed to go and what all I needed in order to get the dress. Thankfully the attendants were super sweet and understanding about the fact that this was the first event I was ever going to of this caliber and gave me tips to help not be as nervous. With the dress finally picked out, they assured me that it would be sent to Milan and be waiting for me in the hotel room when I got there, I didn’t have to worry about it at all. I was extremely thankful for that, it was one less thing that I needed to worry about.

With Milan Fashion Week quickly approaching, Hyunjin seemed to be around the house even less than he was before. I didn’t want to think too much of it but it was hard when I barely received a text from him letting me know if he was even going to be home that night or if he was going to be spending it at the dorms with Changbin. My only saving grace was being able to talk to Han. Han had become a close friend of mine even though Hyunjin didn’t know. There was nothing going on between us, and there never would, but Han could tell when I was anxious and knew that I needed someone on my side that wasn’t Hyunjin. Because as he put it, Hyunjin hadn’t been doing very good at his boyfriend duties and was being neglectful of how I was feeling and of my anxiety. We had bonded over the fact that we both deal with anxiety and don’t always want to tell someone else in the fear of becoming a burden to them. I had received a text from Hyunjin early today that he wouldn’t be home tonight, he would be staying with Changbin since they all had an early morning. I tried to not be upset about it but I still couldn’t stop the tears from falling. I knew that if I didn’t talk to someone I would send myself into a panic, so I did the only thing I could think of and called Han, hoping that he would come over and keep me company. When I called, he picked up on the second ring, a cute habit of his.

“Hannie, Jinnie is staying with Changbin tonight and I really don’t want to be alone tonight. I’m too much in my head, can you please come over?” I almost begged the poor man.

“Y/nnie, calm down please. Of course I’ll come over, how could I ever turn down a hangout session with my favorite person?”

“Han, my dear dear friend. We both know that I am not your favorite person, Minho is your favorite person.” “Ok, correction. Second favorite person, because yeah, if we’re honest he’s my favorite.”

“Glad to see where I stand in your life Hannie.” “Girl, do you want me to come over or not?”

“Yes! Please!” “I’ll be over soon then, will you make up the spare room for me? We both know that I won’t have the energy to go home and we also know that Minho Hyung won’t be coming to get me.” “Yes, I’ll make up the spare room for you.”

He doesn’t even say goodbye, just hangs up the phone. I know that he lives close by, all of the boys do, which confused me on why Hyunjin wouldn’t take the extra five or so minutes to come back to the apartment. But I won’t question him on it because all that’ll do is lead to a fight. The movie night with Han was something that was very much needed, and when he had to leave the next morning the apartment felt so much more lifeless. I knew that if Hyunjin knew Han was here, he’d be upset but I also didn’t want to be alone so I risked him being upset.

Later that night:

When Hyunjin came home that night from practice, I could tell that he was agitated. He barely spoke to me and when he did his answers were short and snappy, I didn’t want to pry but I also wanted to help him if I was able to. It was too late when I realized that I had forgotten to make up the bed after washing the sheets, after Han spent the night. I knew that the moment Hyunjin saw that, he would ask questions and there was no way that I would be able to give him a reasonable explanation without revealing the full truth to him.

“Hey, y/n. Why are the sheets not on the bed in the guest bedroom?” Hyunjin called out to me from the hallway while I was in the kitchen making dinner for the two of us.

“Huh? Oh I was washing them, they were dusty.” “Y/n, you know not to lie to me. Now tell me why you are actually washing them.” “Fine. Han was over last night, by the time our movie ended it was too late for him to drive home and we weren’t about to wake the beast who is Minho.”

“You know I don’t like when you spend time with them one on one.” He angrily stomps over to me, I expect him to just corner me but instead he grabs me by my pony tail, pulling me away from the stove where I was cooking.

“Ahh, Hyunjin. That hurts. Stop.” I try to pry his hand out of my hair but it doesn’t work.

“You went against what I asked. You know I don’t like you being alone with the guys, I don’t want them getting too close.” He gets in my face, pulling my head back so that I am forced to look at him.

“I-I’m sorry Hyunjin, it won't happen again.” “It better not, or the next time I won’t go easy on you.” He growls out, shoving my head away, causing me to fall into the stove. I try to catch myself but end up grabbing onto the hot pan, burning my hand. The contents in the pan fling out and land all over me, burning my skin through my clothes.

“O-oh god. Y/n I’m so sorry. I’m sorry, are you ok?” Hyunjin’s whole personality changes when he notices what had just occurred.

“I-I’m ok. I-I just need to get myself cleaned up and check the burns and make sure that I don’t need to go to the hospital.” I respond after taking a couple deep breaths.

“Y-you think that you might need to go to the hospital?”

“For my hand possibly.”

“I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to.”

“Jinnie, I just need to have a few minutes to myself.” “I’m really sorry Jagi.” He tries to hug me, but I shrink back from him, I can see the regret in his eyes.

I’m unable to respond, instead holding my hand to my chest as I walk into our bedroom. When I look at my hand I can tell that I have second degree burns and will need to go to the ER. I don’t have a car and I don’t want to ask Hyunjin. I know he feels bad, but I don’t want him to go to the ER with me because it means that they might ask questions and I can’t answer those right now. The only person I can think of to call right now to come and get me is Chan, I know he’ll ask questions but not until everything is figured out. I just need to figure out how to tell Hyunjin that I want to go by myself. I think the best way is to just straight up say that I want to go alone, and that I will let him know when I am coming home. I call Chan knowing that he’ll help, he picks up after the first ring. Only issue was that it wasn’t Chan who answered, it was Felix.

“Y/n? Chan left his phone here, he ran to the store. Do you need something?” “I um, never mind.” I was going to tell him but decided not to.

“I know that I’m not Chan and we don’t normally talk but if you need someone to talk to, I’m here.” “I was just hoping that he could take me to the hospital.”

“The hospital! Are you ok?”

“I burnt my hand while cooking, and it’s bad enough that I need medical attention.” “I don’t know when he’ll be back, but I can come get you and take you. Why can’t Hyunjin take you though?” “He’s wiped from practice, and I don’t want to make things worse for him. It’s ok Felix, I’ll figure out a way to get to the hospital.” “Nonsense, I’ll come get you. No questions asked.”

Thankfully, I am able to convince Hyunjin to let me go by myself. I tell him a white lie and tell him that it’s Chan picking me up, not Felix. I know if he knew that it was Felix, he would never let me leave. Felix must have known better than to come up to the door, instead texting that he was here and letting me come down to the car. When I get to the hospital, he waits in the car, not wanting to cause even more trouble for me. I can see the concern in his eyes when I walk out of the ER and he sees the bandage on my hand, thankfully the doctor seemed to buy my excuse that I fell and burnt my hand that way. The doctor let me know that the bandages could come off before the fashion show, so the dress that I got would still work. I know Felix is worried but he doesn’t press the issue, but I know that whatever friendship or whatever we had has changed between us.

Fashion Week:

The week before Hyunjin and I left for Milan, my bandages were able to come off. I knew that he felt bad, he had never gotten physical with me before and the logical part of me knew that I should have left him but the emotional part of me said that he’d never do it again. Ever since he’s been super sweet and caring, spending every night at the apartment with me, being at my every beck and call.

The first night that we were in Milan, he took me out to dinner and treated me as if I was his whole world. He apologized every morning and night for what happened, I believe that he’s sorry and I believe that he won't do it again. He loves me and I love him, I know that we’ll be able to make things work, I know he won’t let it happen again.

The night that we have the event, I am afraid that I’ll embarrass him because I won’t look as good as I should for him. I tried to make sure that my outfit matched his outfit, but it still seemed off. He seemed to be off the entire day while we were getting ready, he seemed short with me, almost annoyed that I was having to go with him. I didn’t want him to feel like he had to take me with him, I didn’t want to embarrass him or make this event even harder for him. Before I knew it, we were having to finish getting ready and leave soon.

“Jinnie, do you think my dress looks ok? Does it match your outfit well enough?” I ask as I apply the finishing touches to my makeup.

“Yes, you look fine. We need to go if we don’t want to show up late.” He grumbled annoyed.

“I’m almost ready, I just need to apply lipstick and then I’ll be ready.” “Just hurry up.”

“Ok, I’m ready lovie.”

“Ew, don’t call me that.” he side eyes me, seemingly disgusted.

“Oh, I-I’m sorry. In the past you never cared.” “Just, try not to talk too much tonight.”

I didn’t know how to respond to that, so instead I just rushed to catch up with him and head to the venue where the show would be held and then the after party. Much to my horror when Hyunjin and I arrived at the venue, I was ushered away from him, told that I would be sitting separately from him and that I would have to find him after the show. When he invited me I thought that we would be seated together for all of the events but I couldn’t have been more wrong. When I looked to him for support, to ask him if I really had to sit alone without him, the glare that he leveled me with was one that I could never have imagined I would get from him.

“Y/n, just sit where they tell you, stop trying to make a big deal out of nothing.” “Hyunjin, it’s a big deal to me. I’m in a country that I don’t know, at an event filled with people that I don’t know. I was under the assumption that I would be with you tonight, not sat away from you.”

“Stop it, stop whining about not getting to sit with me. You’re a big girl, put on your big girl pants and deal with sitting alone. Do not embarrass me tonight, I need tonight to go well.” “I’m not trying to embarrass you Hyunjin, but would it be so hard to ask them if we could get seats together? I don’t see why we can’t?” “Stop asking, they already have the seating arrangements set. I will see you at the after party, in the meantime try not to embarrass me.”

“Hyunjin-” I begin but he cuts me off with a glare, one that sends a cold chill down my spine. It reminds me of that night, for once I know to listen to my gut.

With him being sat away from me, I know that he’ll be more focused on the show rather than worrying about me. With how he looked at me tonight, I know that I need to leave because it wasn’t a one time incident and him hurting me was bound to happen again. I found my seat, in the back of the open showroom, which thankfully gave me the opportunity to order myself an uber and get myself back to the hotel. I didn’t know where I was going to go when I got back to Soule because technically the apartment that I lived in wasn’t mine, it was one rented by Hyunjin that he had gotten for the both of us because he wanted us to live together. I knew that I shouldn’t have given up my apartment but I was so in love with him that I thought he was my forever and that I wouldn’t need it anymore.

When my uber arrived, I quickly and quietly snuck out of the venue and as soon as it was clear I ran to the uber. The uber driver gives me a questioning look but I don’t offer up any explanation and instead book a plane ticket home, I want to be gone to the airport by the time Hyunjin comes back to the hotel. I’d prefer to be on a plane back but I also know that isn’t reasonable and is wishful thinking. I know that me leaving the event like I did can cause a scandal for Hyunjin but I can’t stay and let this relationship get even more toxic, it took me this long to realize the only reason he was even being this sweet to me after the whole incident was so that I would come with him when it came time to go to the event. He had said that he was going to have a date and he didn’t want to seem dateless when the time came around.

I panicked when I got to the hotel, packing up everything that I had brought with me and bought the earliest ticket home. Not caring which airline it was with, what section of the plane it was in and what time I would be getting back, I just knew that I needed to be gone before he got back otherwise I could actually be in serious danger. I didn’t want to worry Chan by off-loading all of my issues onto him, but I also had nowhere to stay. I didn’t know what to do, I had never been in this situation before. I did the only thing that I could think of, I called Felix, surprisingly he picked up after the first ring.

“Y/n? Are you ok?”

“No, I’m not. I’m flying back to Soule tonight but I need someone to pick me up from the airport. And then for that someone to help me find a hotel.” “Aren’t you supposed to be in Milan with Hyunjin for another week?” “It’s a lot to explain, I promise I can explain it all later but will you please pick me up?”

“Yeah of course, that shouldn’t have even been a question. I know we don’t talk much but I’ll always be here for you if you need me.” “Thank you Felix, you are a lifesaver right now. Now I just need to figure out a living situation.” “Don’t worry about that, you can stay with Seungmin and I or with Chan and I.N.” “Are you sure? I really don’t want to impose on anyone and I don’t want to cause any problems between the group and Hyunjin.”

“We all know how to be professional, whatever happened between you and Hyunjin is between the two of you. If you want us to know, then we will but if you don’t then we won't.” “Thank you, for being so understanding about all of this.”

“Of course, text me your flight details and I’ll be there to pick you up, ok?” “Ok, again thank you Felix.”

With everything set, I know that Felix and the rest of the boys will help me in any way that they can, I really don’t want to come between them and Hyunjin but I can’t help it if they decide to do this on their own. I don’t even want to think about what will happen when Hyunjin realizes that I’m no longer at the event, hell even in the country.

The next morning:

The flight back to Soule gave me the chance to think through things and figure out what I needed to do. I didn’t want to take advantage of the boys but I also couldn’t afford to stay at a hotel for very long, and finding a new place to live would be difficult, especially with the fact that I don’t make that much at my current job. I always wanted to find another job but Hyunjin never wanted me to because I only worked with women. The more I look back on our relationship, the more I realize that it was actually extremely unhealthy and the only reason that he even introduced me to the guys is because Chan accidentally caught us on a date, and when he had asked who I was I had answered before Hyunjin could. Hyunjin never had the intention of telling the guys about our relationship, his hand was forced in the whole matter.

When I finally landed I called Felix, figuring out where he was in the airport but before I could even ask, I felt a tap on my shoulder and when I turned around he was there. He was there, with a soft smile, looking like the sunshine person that everyone always describes him as. I didn’t think I would feel as much relief as I did when I saw him, but I could feel the tears forming and I didn’t know if I would be able to stop them before they fell. Felix didn’t give me the chance to, he gently pulled me into a hug. I didn’t know how badly I needed that hug until I was wrapping my arms around his waist, sobbing quietly into his chest. He tightened his arms around me, not letting go until he felt my arms drop from around him.

“Are you ready to head out?” Felix asks, taking my backpack from me.

“Yes, but I need to go to the apartment. I need to get my stuff out, I don’t want to risk trying to get it at a later date and then he be there.”

“Ok, I’ll take you. I’ll help you pack up your stuff, will you tell me what happened? Why you left Milan so suddenly?”

“Y-yes, I’ll tell you in the car. If that’s ok?”

“Of course that’s ok.”

We head to baggage claim and grab my suitcase, I try to take it from Felix after he had pulled it off for me but he doesn’t let me. He doesn’t let me carry my backpack and he won’t let me drag my suitcase, he kindly forces me to walk next to him. When Hyunjin and I came, he had people who were carrying his stuff, he didn’t even offer to carry my stuff. The more I look at Felix, the more I focus on him, the more I notice these little differences between the two men. A guilty part of me wonders why I couldn’t have met Felix first. When I had first met Hyunjin, he was so sweet and caring, we had shared an art class together and had bonded over the fact that we both loved art. The first year of our relationship was perfect, but after we had moved in together and he realized that I more than likely wouldn’t go anywhere, his whole demeanor and personality changed. No longer was he the sweet and caring guy, but an angry and anxious man who ended up taking those feelings out on me more often than not. No matter how hard I tried to be good for him, he always found a reason to be upset with me. It wasn’t until the cooking incident that he had gotten physical with me, but he was very verbally abusive towards me and would be passive aggressive towards me like he was last night. When we got to the car, I went to open my own door but before I could Felix was there, pulling it open for me, giving me a hand in case I needed help lowering myself into his car. Once I was in, he quickly rushed around to the other side, getting in himself and before I knew it, we were starting the drive back to the apartment that I once shared with Hyunjin.

“Are you ok, to tell me what happened? Why you came back so soon?” “Yes, just promise that you’ll wait until I finish explaining?”

“Of course, take your time.”

“Thank you, seriously.” “Any time y/n, any time.” “It wasn’t a cooking incident.”

“What wasn’t?”

“How I burned my hand, I didn’t burn it because I slipped. I did burn it while cooking but slipping was not the reason why.”

“Ok?”

“Hyunjin had come home angry that night, I don’t remember why exactly. I don’t remember if something had gone wrong at the studio or if I had said something but we started arguing, and I expected him to corner me like he normally did. But he grabbed my hair, yanking it back. He was super angry and it scared me, I tried to pry him off but he wouldn’t let go. Finally he got tired of arguing and he shoved me, but it happened to be in the direction of the stove. I tried to catch myself but I ended up grabbing the pan I had been using and it tipped over, spilling on me. That’s why I had such a bad burn on my hand, and burns on other parts of my body.” When I finished with that part, I could tell that Felix was angry but he did his best to contain the anger.

“Y/n, is this the first time that he was physical with you?” “Yes, it was. He had been verbally abusive for the better part of six months but I had rose colored glasses on.”

“Did he hurt you again? Is that why you came back early?”

“Not physically, he failed to mention that during the fashion show I wouldn’t be seated with him. And when I had asked if we could try to get me to sit next to him, he told me that I was being difficult and that I was embarrassing him. He told me to sit where I was told to and that he would see me at the after party.” “He seriously did that? Just left you to sit by yourself?”

“Yep, said that I was a big girl and could handle sitting by myself for the length of the show. When I tried to argue with him about it, he leveled me with a glare that actually scared me, made me nervous to even wait to see him during the after party.” “I don’t want to speak badly of him but it seems like you made the right choice in leaving, after what you told me, the whole situation seems like a bad situation.” “I think things could have gone very differently if I stayed, he knows by now that I’m gone. I’m honestly surprised that I didn’t get any texts from him after the show asking where I was. But maybe he was too preoccupied to even worry about where I was.” “Y/n, that is wrong on so many levels. If my date wasn’t sat with me at an event and then I couldn’t find her after, I would be losing my mind until I found her. Has he even texted you, asking where you are when he saw that you weren’t at the hotel and that your stuff was gone?” “Umm, I think he’s texted me like once.” “What did the text say, if you don’t mind me asking?” “Just wondering where I was, when I was coming back. It’s like he didn’t even realize that my stuff was gone.” “I’m so sorry that you have to go through this y/n, you don’t deserve it.” “It’s ok Felix, none of this is your fault. You have nothing to be sorry for.” “But I actually do. I was the one who pushed him to go to that art class, I was the one who pushed him to ask you out when he was too nervous to do so.” “Lixie, you had no way of knowing that any of this would have happened.” It’s not until he doesn’t respond that I realize what I had just called him. “Oh my god, Felix. I am so sorry. The nickname just kind of slipped out.” “Y/n, it’s ok. It just caught me off guard, I don’t mind if you call me that. Coming from you, I actually kind of like it.” “I’ll keep that in mind.”

The rest of the drive to the apartment is silent, both of us thinking but also just enjoying the music. As I look out the window, I can’t help but think about how different my life is from what I thought it was going to be just a few days ago. As I think about it, this is the first time in a long time that I’m not nervous about going back to the apartment. The realization that it’s because Hyunjin won’t be there hits me, I didn’t realize how much he scared me until I took that leap to end things with him, to leave him. The thought also hits me that I haven’t actually officially ended my relationship with him, I’m technically still his girlfriend until I officially end things. Just because I ran doesn’t mean he’ll take that as I’m breaking up with him. I can’t do it in person, I won’t be able to handle it, I’m too nervous about what he might try if I did do it in person.

I’m too into my head to realize that we had arrived at the apartment until Felix is calling out my name, trying to get my attention. I don’t know what to think of all of this, and I think that Felix is able to tell that. He doesn’t try to rush me into going inside, instead he just sits there, a supportive spirit until I’m ready to go inside.

“Ok, I think that I’m ready.” “Take your time.” “Thank you Felix, I truly do not know what I would have done without your help.” “I want to warn you, Seungmin and Chan are on their way to help. They don’t know why, they won’t know why unless you tell them.”

“Felix…”

“I just wanted to make sure that we are able to get all of your stuff. The more hands the better. When I called, I told them to help, no questions asked. What information they get is up to you.” “You promise they won’t ask any questions?” “I promise, and if they for some reason do. Send them to me.”

“Ok.”

We both get out of the car, I try to open my own door again but he rushes around opening it before I get the chance. He has a steady hand on my lower back, walking with me up to the apartment. When we get up to the apartment, I hesitate almost as if I’m not ready to take this step, ready to say goodbye to this part of my life.

“We don’t have to do this tonight if you aren’t ready.”

“No, no. I need to do this, I can’t risk Hyunjin being home.”

“Do you want me to open the door?” “Do you mind?” “Not at all.”

He takes the key from my hand, unlocking the door and pushing it open. I never realized how lifeless and cold the apartment always felt. There were no personal touches from myself in the living room, Hyunjin always insisted that his interior decor taste was better than mine and that I could decorate the bedroom. That didn’t leave me much to do anyways, I think now it had more to do with when the guys initially came over, he didn’t want them to realize he had a girlfriend. Most of my belongings were in the bedroom anyways, everything else I owned from my old apartment was in a storage unit that Hyunjin didn’t know about, he thought that I had sold whatever couldn’t fit into the bedroom on my side.

Soon Chan and Seungmin arrive, ready to help in whatever way they could. They didn’t ask any questions, which I was extremely thankful for. I really didn’t want to have to tell the whole story twice, I knew they had their questions but I didn’t know how to tell them. I knew that if I gave Felix the ok, he would tell them.

“Felix, come here real quick. Please?” “Yeah. What’s up?” He stops folding some of the shirts I had left hung up in the closet.

“I know that Chan and Seungmin have questions. I can’t go through the story again, but if they are helping they deserve to know why. You can tell them.” “Are you sure?” “Yes.”

“Alright, I’ll let them know.”

He walks away after giving me a soft smile, I go back into the bedroom and continue to put my clothes into my suitcases. I can hear Felix explaining the whole situation to them, they don’t ask any questions until he is finished explaining everything. I try to zone out what they are saying, not wanting to think about everything that has happened, again. I’m so in my head that I don’t hear anyone enter the bedroom, so when I feel arms wrap around me I jump in both parts shock and fear. When I turn around I see that it’s Chan, he has a sad look on his face and seeing that look makes me break out into tears. He wraps me in his arms, and with his support I know that with whatever happens I’ll be ok. I know that I not only have Felix on my side but I also have Chan, and maybe Seungmin but he hasn’t actually said anything. Before I can ask where Seungmin is, I hear a small knock on my door, when Chan and I turn we both see that Seungmin is standing there looking sheepish. I wave him over, he slowly walks over. I can tell that he’s hesitant to do anything so I make the decision for him and give him a quick hug, he eagerly returns the hug.

Back at Felix and Seungmin’s Dorm:

With the help of the three boys, we were able to pack up everything that I could think of that I owned that was in that apartment. I didn’t know why they brought me here after I insisted that they take me to a hotel. Felix refused, saying that they weren’t going to let me stay at a hotel. They would rather I stay at the dorms with them where they knew I was safe and wouldn’t have to worry about me confronting Hyunjin alone should he come looking for me.

I had no idea where I would be sleeping while I stayed with them, since there were only two rooms, meaning there were only two beds. When I got there, trying to figure out where to put my stuff went surprisingly better than I thought because Felix just carried it all into his room, taking away the question of where I would sleep. I didn’t want to kick him out of his own bed but he insisted that I take his bed, he’d either take the couch or find a blow up mattress of sorts.

“Felix, I really don’t want to kick you out of your bed.” “Nonsense, you wouldn’t be kicking me out. Especially since I offered.” “Felix, I can just sleep on the couch. It’s fine.” “Nonsense. You are not sleeping on the couch.”

Seungmin walks into the room carrying a sleeping mattress for Felix. He doesn’t say anything as he hands it over, I can tell that he’s tired and ready to go to bed himself. Felix bids Seungmin goodnight before turning back towards me. I can tell that Felix is also tired but he wants to make sure that I am comfortable before going to bed himself.

“Felix, I know you have the mattress. But where will you be sleeping?” “I was just planning on sleeping in the living room.” “I can’t kick you out of your bed and your room. And if I’m being honest I’d be more comfortable with you in the room. I don’t think that Hyunjin will be back anytime soon but a part of me is scared that he will be and I don’t want to be trapped in a room by myself.” “Y/n, you don’t owe an explanation. Of course I can stay in here on the floor. I want you to be as comfortable as possible while you are staying here, ok?” “Ok, again thank you Felix. I know that this is a lot to ask of you.” “It’s never too much to ask of me, I’d gladly help you.”

I can’t think of anything to say to him so I just walk up to him, instead giving him a hug. He immediately hugs me back, wrapping his arms tightly around me and pushing my head into him, trying his best to bring me comfort. Whenever I was upset, Hyunjin always made it seem like it was a burden to comfort me, to be there for me but here’s Felix, someone who barely knows me, who’s doing everything he can to make sure that I am comforted and supported even when he doesn’t need to.

Two Weeks Later:

I had been living with Felix and Seungmin now for two weeks. Hyunjin was supposed to be coming back within the next few days. I was scared that he was going to be angry, but I had barely heard anything from him while he was away and if I’m being honest that scared me even more. I didn’t know what he was thinking, how he was feeling, or if he would try anything when he saw that all of my things were out of the apartment.

I was trying to take a nap, when I realized that I had left one very important thing at the apartment that I once shared with Hyunjin. It was small and might seem insignificant to others but to me it was irreplaceable because it was given to me by a family member that was no longer living. I knew that I needed to get it but all of the boys were busy and I didn’t want to bother them. I didn’t think that Hyunjin would be back until tomorrow or the next day at least.

When I got there, I could tell that I was wrong, Hyunjin had come home early. I knew that I should have turned around and waited until either Seugnmin, Chan or Felix were available to come with me to get the stuffed animal but I was impatient and didn’t want to wait. I slowly pushed open the front door, finding Hyunjin bent over the kitchen counter reading the breakup note that I had left for him. I could tell by the way that his posture stiffened that he realized what it was and what had happened. When he heard the front door close softly he whipped around, the glare and anger in his eyes made my heart drop. I tried to turn around and leave but before I could, he was grabbing me by the hair and dragging me further into the apartment.

Hyunjin angrily threw me onto the couch, I tried to catch myself but wasn’t able to and ended up falling onto the floor. I tried to scramble away from him but he was on top of me before I could, his hands around my neck choking me.

“Hyunjin, stop. I can’t breathe.” I gasped the best I could with his hands on my neck.

“You think that you get to embarrass me by leaving with no explanation, and then break up with me?”

“Hyunjin, you're hurting me.” “Shut up, just shut up. You don’t get to decide when we are done, only I get to decide.” I try to fight against him but he still has the upper hand on me.

“Hyune. You are hurting me, I can’t breathe.” “Do you really think that I care about that right now?” “I-I’m sorry. I’ll come back, I’ll move back. Just please stop.” I whisper out, struggling. Tears fall from my eyes now, black dots crowd the corners of my vision.

“No, no you don’t get to come back on your word. I never want to see you again. Do I make myself clear, if I see you again I can’t guarantee that I won’t end your life. You useless whore.” He spits at me, spitting in my face in the process.

He pulls his hands away from my neck, getting off of me. As soon as he’s off of me, I scramble away from him, scared that if I don’t he will go back on his word and try to kill me again. It’s almost like a light switched in him when he notices that I already have bruises forming on my neck. He tries to get closer to me but I scramble back even further from him. I can see the remorse and guilt in his eyes, I can tell that he wants to say something but doesn’t know what to say. He looks disgusted in himself, by what he just did.

“Oh god. Oh god, what did I do?” He almost seems to ask himself.

“Y-you need help.” I cough out “Y-you’re right I do. Y/n, I am begging you, please call the cops. I don’t want to accidentally hurt you again. God I nearly killed you just now.” I don’t question him and rush for my phone, calling the police.

When everything is done, the police ask if I want to press charges against Hyunjin but I don’t. I know that he’s sick, he wouldn’t have had me call the police on him if he wasn’t. They decide that he needs to be monitored for a while, get onto meds that will help with these different episodes that he’s been having. As they wheel him out on the stretcher to take him to the hospital, he has them stop so that he can express his remorse one last time. When he’s gone the police officer asks if there is anyone that they can call for me, the first person that I can think of was Felix. I didn’t even hesitate when I gave them his contact information, I knew that I needed his support. I wouldn’t be ok until he was here with me, throughout the last two weeks he has been my rock, my safe place. I won’t feel safe until Felix is here with me, protecting me. The officer waits with me until Felix bursts through the doors, when he sees me and my current state he rushes over to me, pulling me into him. When the officer confirms that Felix is who he says he is, he leaves.

“Why didn’t you call me? I would have come with you.” Felix grabs my face gently, wiping my tears.

“I didn’t think that he would be home, he was supposed to come back tomorrow.” “That doesn’t matter. No matter what y/n I would have always gone with you.” “I-I’m sorry. I didn’t want to bother you, or the others.” “I beg you, bother me. I don’t want to get a call from the police like that ever again.” “I-I’m sorry, can we just go home now?”

“Of course.”

Felix helps me down to his car, making sure I’m comfortably in the car before he rushes around to the other side and gets in himself. The drive to his dorm is silent, music playing in the background. It’s like neither of us know what to say to the other, I truly didn’t mean to scare him and I didn’t think Hyunjin would be back this soon but I now can see how that was poor thinking with everything that had happened.

When we get to the apartment, I’m tired and just want to nap. I can tell that Felix is still worried about me and I don’t want to cause him even more worry. He walks with me into his bedroom, ready to make sure that I can settle comfortably into the bed before he goes out into the living room. When I lie down, I realize that I don’t want to be alone, before Felix can leave I grab onto his hand.

“Is everything ok?” Felix questions, looking down at where I’m holding his hand.

“C-can you stay, just until I fall asleep? C-can you please h-hold me?”

“O-of course.” He almost hesitates but still motions for me to move over, I comply.

He climbs into the bed next to me, pulling me into him. I burrow my face into his neck, letting myself find comfort in his warmth, in his presence that has been a saving grace these last two weeks. He buries his face into my hair, pulling me into him even more, almost as if he needed this just as much as I did. Neither of us said anything, instead basicking in the comfort that we brought each other. I expected him to leave after I fell asleep but when I woke up a short while later, he was still there, holding me just as tight as when we fell asleep. I didn’t say or do anything, instead deciding to go back to sleep.

Six Months Later:

Much to my dismay and argument, Felix and Seungmin wouldn’t let me look for a new place to live. Insisting that the current living arrangement worked just fine, that there didn’t need to be any changes. Anytime that I tried to bring up the subject of moving out, they would find a way to change the subject and would act like it never happened. I didn’t want to keep freeloading off of them, I felt bad, feeling like I was using them. They constantly claimed that I wasn’t using them, that the fact that I would cook and clean for them, because let's face it, anytime these two tried to cook it was always a disaster, was enough for them.

To my surprise, a month ago Felix had invited me as his plus one to a Louis Vuitton event that he had to go to. I said yes, but I was super hesitant and nervous to go especially after what had happened the last time I had to go to an event like this. He promised me that it wouldn’t be like that this time, that he would be by my side the entire time. The second reason I was hesitant to go was because over the last six months of living with him and Seungmin, I had grown to like Felix and his sunshine personality. He kept his own emotions under check so well that I honestly couldn’t tell whether or not he felt the same, and I couldn’t just outright ask him.

Hyunjin had come back a month ago, he had been diagnosed with Bi-polar disorder. At first things had been extremely awkward within the group after they had heard about what happened, they needed to know since he was going to have to go on hiatus. I thought that when he came back I wouldn’t be ok being around him but when the others were around I was actually ok, I could handle seeing him. He knew that the relationship that we had was over, and he was ok with that. I think on a subconscious level he could see the relationship forming between Felix and I, and he knew that it would be a better fit than him and I. He was a silent supporter of whatever was happening between Felix and I.

To make me feel more comfortable about going with him to the event, Felix took me shopping for a new dress. One by the brand that he was an ambassador for, he wanted me to get the dress first so that his stylists could match his outfit to it. He had thought this whole night out so well that I couldn’t even argue that it was going to be fun, and the dress was absolutely stunning. It was a white floor length gown with a vee neck cut, and when I saw how Felix matched himself to it, I couldn’t help but feel special. He made sure that I felt included and felt like this was important that I felt comfortable with him at all times at the event.

Night of Event:

When we arrived at the event, I expected Felix to usher me off to the side so that he could do the photo-ops but instead he gave me a questioning look, almost as if asking if it was ok to be photographed with me. When I nodded to him that I was ok, he pulled me into him and stood in front of the cameras. I could tell that he was in his element and he was happy, happy to be here and happy to have me here with him. I smiled for the cameras, glad that he didn’t want me off to the side, rather right next to him. The more he made sure I was ok, the more I fell for him. I wasn’t sure how much longer I would be able to keep my feelings for him a secret.

When we got inside the event, he kept his hand on my waist, keeping me close to him. I was glad to have him there as a solid rock for me, if I had to be put into this situation again I wanted the memory to be a good one and not one like what had happened before. Everytime we stopped to talk to someone, he would look down at me smiling softly before continuing the conversation. I could feel my heart beating wildly in my chest, I couldn’t help the blush that was rising up my cheeks. If he noticed he didn’t say anything, rather he just pulled me into him even more as he talked to whoever had caught his attention at that moment. When they started announcing that the fashion show would start soon, I got nervous and scared that I would have to sit away from him but he tightened his grip on my waist and led me to the front row chairs that he had been assigned.

I thought that we would go to the after party when the show ended but he instead led me outside and down the steps towards the beach that he had seen me eyeing since we arrived. I was glad to be alone and away from prying eyes, even if it was just for a little while. I didn’t pay attention to the way that Felix looked at me, rather focusing on the ocean and the feel of the sand between my toes and the water flowing over my feet. I could feel Felix come stand next to me, if I had turned to look at him I would have noticed that he wasn’t looking out at the ocean but rather at me, with a look of pure love and adoration.

“Felix.” I say softly as I turn towards him.

“Hmm.” “I-I need to tell you something.” “What is it? You can tell me anything.” I look at him, taking a deep breath before I continue.

“I love you. I know it hasn’t been that long since Hyunjin but you have been my rock and safe place through it all and I honestly don’t know what I would have done without your support.” “Y/n, I love you too. I didn’t want to push you or make you uncomfortable so I always kept it to myself. Even before you dated Hyunjin.” “We really are fools in love.” I say looking at him.

“Yes, yes we are.” He grabs my waist, pulling me into him. I can feel his hands grab my face gently. He looks into my eyes.

“F-felix, c-can you k-kiss me?”

“I thought you’d never ask.” He says softly while leaning into me.

When Felix presses his lips onto mine, it’s not like what the movies describe. The hundreds of fireworks, or anything like that. The feeling of his lips on mine is like coming home on a cold night to a warm home, the perfect temp of hot cocoa, everything bright and sunny. It felt perfect, and I never wanted to stop. His hands moved from my face to in my hair and on my waist, pulling me into him even more. My arms wrapped around his neck as he deepened the kiss, I never wanted this feeling to end but I knew that both of us needed air and one of us had to pull away and I honestly don’t think that Felix was going to.

“That was the best kiss I have ever had.” Felix mumbled, pressing his lips to mine again in a short kiss.

“It was perfect.” “We should probably head back, before they send out a search party.” He jokes as he grabs my hand. Slowly leading me back to the steps up to the building where the after party was held.

As we walked hand in hand into the after party, I couldn’t keep the grin off my face and honestly neither could Felix. When one of his friends that I didn’t know walked up to us, I expected him to pull his hand away but instead he tightened his grip and found a way to include me into the conversation. When his friend asked who I was, I expected Felix to say that I was just a friend, something that Hyunjin would have done but instead he looked down at me and smiled before responding that I was his girlfriend. I knew Felix was different, but every time he proves it and it still surprises me.

Epilogue:

I knew that at some point we would have to tell the other boys that we were dating but both Felix and I agreed that we wanted to keep it to ourselves just for a little while longer. He still insisted that I live with him and Seungmin and I finally relented but my only stipulation was that he no longer slept on the floor but rather in the bed with me. He agreed without any hesitation, claiming that he could get unlimited cuddles from now on, but I think we both knew that his back was killing him from sleeping on the floor for so long.

We decided that we would tell the boys at one of their dance practices, later down the road when we were able to come up with a way to tell them that wouldn’t upset Hyunjin. But until then, we just focused on each other and the comfort that we got from each other.

I knew that Felix had an early morning, he knew that he had an early morning but neither of us wanted to let the other go when we heard his alarm going off. He planted kisses all over my face before coming down to my lips, I could get high off of his kisses. He gently pushed me onto my back, placing himself above me as he continued to kiss me. I knew that this was headed into dangerous territory and if it didn’t stop soon he would be late to practice.

“Lixie, you have to get ready for practice.”

“Come with me.” “What?” “Come with me to practice. I don’t want to hide, I want to openly love you.” “A-are you sure? Seungmin is the only one who knows and you know how he reacted.” “I’m sure, I want the others to know. Hell, I want the world to know that you are my girlfriend.” “You want to announce our relationship not only to the boys but also to Stay?” “Yes, I want to share my love for you with them.” “If you are sure, then so am I. I know that as long as I am with you, I’ll be ok.” “Then it’s settled, we’ll tell the boys and then I’ll speak with the media team to come up with a way to announce our relationship to Stay.”

“Sounds perfect.” I kissed him again.

He kissed me back with just as much fervor, I knew that he was going to be late today. Or at least that’s what I thought until the door burst open and Seungmin rushed in, hand over his eyes as he blindly reached for Felix. I could feel Felix being tugged off of me, I let out a small laugh at the sight of my poor boyfriend getting dragged away by his younger roommate.

“Sorry y/nnie, just following Channie Hyungs orders.” “It’s fine Minnie, I’m coming with you guys anyways.” “You are?” “Yes, Felix wants to tell the boys and Stay about our relationship.” “Sweet!.”

Seeing the excitement in Seungmin’s eyes at the prospect of Felix and I’s relationship not only becoming public but also being announced to the boys, gave me hope that everything in the long run would be ok. The look that Felix gave me, also told me that everything in the long run would be ok.

#lee felix x y/n #lee yongbok x reader #lee felix fluff #stray kids imagines #stray kids oneshots #lee felix #stray kids fluff

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taeaura · 3 months ago

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Is Thomas {Hewitt} Neurodivergent?

TW: Discussions of mental health, TCM-Canon-activities

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I’ve headcanoned Thomas as neurodivergent, specifically with high-function/low-support needs autism {What would’ve previously been diagnosed as Asperger’s} for quite some time now, which I brought up in a previous post. As someone who’s autistic, being diagnosed late gave me..mixed feelings. On one hand, I’m glad I was diagnosed. On the other; Feeling so isolated socially, being overwhelmed and “trapped” in my head without knowing why, and being so aggravated / anxious all the time made me feel like something was wrong with me. I literally imagined myself as a druid, elf, siren, and even an alien at times because I felt so ‘inhuman.’ I imagine Thomas felt and still feels this way, too. I mean, the most he was diagnosed with was ‘mental deterioration’, which for the time period, makes sense. Mental deterioration is often described as loss in memory, changes in mood, decline in intellectual functioning, social isolation, changes in thought, difficulty perceiving things, and so forth. Considering Thomas doesn’t speak, is very reserved, very much ‘in his own world’, and has had violent / destructive tendencies since a young age, the diagnosis makes sense. For the time period. First of all, Thomas has a very cluttered and inconsistent family life. Having a family member in the military is no easy trip; It takes a lot of mental energy to keep yourself together when they leave {coming from someone who’s father is in the military.} I spent a little under half my life without my dad, Thomas only spent a year without Charlie/Hoyt, but the impact is still there. Second of all, Thomas was and still is intensely ridiculed socially. The childhood pictures of people covering his face? He’s basically been told he needs to ‘cover it up’ his entire life. The only time we get to see his face {besides his reveal} is the pictures at Henrietta and ‘Kathy’s’ trailer. Even then, his face isn’t shown in that, you have to look it up.

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The ridicule most definitely caused image/confidence issues, as well as some social anxiety. I tend to get aggressive when I’m anxious {prior to my Lord and savior prozac}, which I think could be the case with Thomas. He can control himself, sure, but he still gets overstimulated. Surprisingly, he doesn’t seem to get overstimulated from loud noises and textures; But maybe those things bring him comfort. He’s very attentive with an almost heightened sense of hearing, which is surprising considering he basically breathes through his chainsaw. Especially at around 1:17:7-8 in the 2003 film. Bro whipped his head around so fast once he heard those rats. He does seem to shy away from touch, unless it's a necessity or something he initiates. This is incredibly clear at 1:09:15 during The Beginning 2006; When he comes in to amputate Monty’s legs with his new mask. When Luda Mae tries to touch him / his mask, he just..stares down and adjusts his jaw. He doesn’t lean in, he doesn’t acknowledge anyone; Just zones out almost. He’s there to get a job done, not to talk. I think this is a form of self-regulation for him: Just focus on what needs to get done, then we can go back to the basement. Speaking of the basement, I think that’s his preferred space. It’s the one place {besides his bedroom / sewing room} that feels like his. No one else comes down there, spare the victims which he brings, and Hoyt on occasion. Even then, it’s short and to the point; Hoyt’s a busy man, he doesn’t linger too long. Thomas gets to let loose and be violent. It’s like as soon as he opens that steel door, the mask drops {pun intended.} He gets to create, he gets to be violent; There’s no expectations for him. In the 2003 remake, he’s listening to the radio with a HEAD ON A PLATTER as well as bottled eyeballs, sets of teeth, jars of petrolatum, and all his little machinery n’ trinkets; He’s just working away with some metal music playing and his collectables sprawled out without a care in the world. That’s his space; His “safe room” if you will. And his sewing machine up in {what is believed to be} his room.

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Going back to his ‘social awkwardness / social isolation,’ Thomas likes to stare. Like, a lot. There's multiple shots in the 2003 remake {34:15-34:23, 34:55, 43:02, 1:11:49, ect} where he’s just..staring / observing. And that’s JUST in 2003. Obviously, he’s trying to see what Erin and other victims are doing, but he’s definitely hyper-aware of things. I brought this up in a previous post, and I’m bringing it up again; in the extended scene in part 2 {0:00 - 0:30}, where Bailey is tied under the table and starts screaming once she sees Thomas just..staring at her from the doorway. He’s doing what’s called ‘T-rex arms’ as well as fidgeting with his fingers which might be a form of self-regulation; ‘Cause lets be honest, he just got introduced to this new ‘way of life’ the previous night. He also just lost his job and killed someone the previous day. He’s a little new to this. #firstkillkindanervous

I think Thomas doesn’t understand, or maybe just doesn’t care / notice he’s doing it. Staring can be very intimate for people, and I guess Thomas is just a curious and cautious fella. And I get why, gotta make sure the family is okay, and nothing goes wrong. Anyway - I also previously discussed how Thomas could have Apraxia of Speech; Which if you didn’t know, is often found in autistic children. It usually progresses with speech therapy, but Thomas very obviously didn’t have that. Expenses + time period and rural areas don’t usually produce good outcomes for neurodivergent kids anyway.

To wrap things up; I definitely think Thomas is neurodivergent. Even if he doesn’t have Autism, Apraxia of Speech is considered neurodivergent. I still firmly believe he has Autism {Level 1?}, but I’m always open to feedback and alternative ideas!

Much love, 🫀

#tcm #neurodivergent #tcm 2003 #tcm 2006 #texas chainsaw massacre #texas chainsaw the beginning #leatherface #thomas brown hewitt #thomas hewitt #texas chainsaw 2003 #autism #texas chainsaw massacre 2003

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martiandmichelle · 1 year ago

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Ya comfortable cause this is a kinda long post. . .

Some of you long-time followers may remember that I used to do a fair amount of prostitution. I cut way back on it several years ago after one bad experience and the growing success of Studio M. I did keep a (very) few of my favorite johns that I might see once or twice a year. One is a guy near my age (73) who lives alone on an isolated ranch in Texas. In the 11 years I've known him he's always been a gentleman with a great sense of humor. Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately!) he has minimal control of his average-sized cock and cums quickly though only a couple times a day. In between those few orgasms of his he spends his time with me groping, sucking, and staring at my tits.

Soooo, anyway, it was during my last visit with him this past late winter, and while his was admiring his handiwork with my boobs, that he asked me about other tricks I had going. I try to be as honest as I can with someone who pays so much interest and cash on me, so I told him he was only one of 5 guys and 1 woman that I prostitute for. He wanted to hear more so I told him what little I could - not wanting to give away any secrets of my other clients. He began rolling my nipples between his fingers and masturbating them as they grew, lowering my resistance and increasing my breathing. He said he thought it would be really hot if I prostituted myself more often. The winter/spring "conference" of the southeastern US chapter of my global studio was coming up and he thought I should go and advertise my services. By this point my nipples were squirting milk all over the place and my cunt was gushing so how could I say no?!?

So, I went. He guessed at what I could charge new clients and I thought he was crazy while still begging him not to stop what he was doing to me tits. (I never have charged him more than I did that 1st time with him.) I took his suggestion and got management's wholehearted approval to go and show off and offer my services for what I thought was a ridiculous price. I made a bet with him that, at that exorbitant price, I wouldn't get over 10 clients.

So I staked my space at the "show" and opened up for business. Advertising my all natural T cup tits (that's before I grew to a U cup) and learning the next largest natural bust was an M cup, I thought maybe I had underestimated my traffic. What I did underestimate was my underestimation! After only one hour of opening, the organizers had to move me to their largest empty booth because of so many guests visiting me. My midday, they had moved me to my own room and at 5:00 pm they moved me again to my own ballroom - and even THAT was crowded!! (The photo above was from the conference as I accepted a sealed offer from a member.)

I simply could not believe there was that many men (and women!) who wanted to - and were willing to pay so handsomely - for time with me and my body! There were guys going together to have, threesomes, foursomes, fivesomes, and more "-somes" with me. There was no way I could say anything but "yes!" and "Thank you!" to them all.

If you would like to read more, just message or inbox me, or even just comment on this post. I'm not starting this service until after my mountain trip so my first "working visit" is on October 3rd of this year. 2025 is going to be wonderfully busy!

(But don't fret, I'll still be posting here lots!)

#marti #back view

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princessofgotham777 · 3 months ago

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Venice Bitch

Part One????

Anakin Skywalker x Reader

Angst, fluff, hurt/comfort, I don’t write smut

Heyyy since the Naboo scenes were filmed in Italy this iconic Lana Del Rey song kinda inspired me lol. Of course I don’t own any Star Wars characters, this is purely fanfic. Sometimes I lowkey make myself laugh writing these💀I hope you enjoy!!!

Summary: You’re a former Queen of Naboo hiding there during the clone wars. Obi-Wan has been ordered by the Jedi council to keep you safe after there was an attempt at your life. You seem down lately, little does he know it is because the love of your life, Anakin, is off fighting in the war a million light years away from you and you’ve been keeping a secret from everyone.

Warnings: reader is sad and they talk about violence and war

A cool breeze greeted you as the sun rose. Days on Naboo were warm, but they were nothing compared to the scorching heat of Tatooine. For the past four months you’d been hiding in an isolated part of the country side of Naboo with Jedi Master Obi-Wan Kenobi. The situation was not ideal. Doing seemingly nothing all day with your fiancés friend and teacher was not your idea of fun. Especially since Anakin was off with Ashoka, his padwan, fighting in the clone war; always in danger and always so far from you. You worried about both him and Ashoka day and night. Anakin contacted you sometimes but it was hard since he was constantly busy and also didn’t want to seem suspicious, after all romance and attachment was strictly prohibited by the Jedi Order. Sometimes Ashoka would contact you and tell you tales of her adventures, you’d met her many times before and she’s like a little sister to you. You did find her stories exciting but they also worried you even more. Constantly hearing about times her and Anakin nearly died seriously stressed you out. Obi-Wan could tell something was bothering you but he assumed it was the constant threat you could be found and killed by the Separtists. You and Obi-Wan got along but you found days in the country side to be bleak and depressing. The days repeated and you felt useless. Once a Queen of Naboo and now it was too dangerous for you to even appear before the Republic to fight against their acts of war.

You sat by the water, in the very spot Anakin proposed four months ago. It was just a few days after that he was ordered to take up being a general and partnered with Ashoka. The halls of the castle by the lake were once filled with laughter and love, and now they exist empty and soulless.

“Is something else bothering you Y/N?” Obi-Wan says as he walks to you by the water.

“What do you mean?” You ask.

“At first I thought your sadness was because of the assassination attempt but I sense there is something else troubling you,” he says.

“I’m just worried,” you say. “You know I’ve known Anakin since I was a child, I think of him as a friend. And Ashoka, she’s like a sister to me. I am worried for them Obi-Wan.” You didn’t enjoy lying to Obi-Wan or anyone for that matter about your and Anakin’s relationship but you two agreed to keep it a secret. If it got out a former Queen of Naboo and Jedi Knight were to be married he would have to leave the council and your political reputation would be tainted.

“I see,” he says. “I guess you’ll be happy to know I came to get you because inside there’s a hologram waiting for you.” A smile appears on your face as you begin rushing inside.

“Thank you,” you yell back at Obi-Wan.

Inside you find a hologram of Anakin.

“Y/N,” he says. “How have you been?”

“I’ve been fine,” you say quickly. “Are you and Ashoka okay?”

“Yes, we’re both safe,” he reassures you. “Is Obi-Wan there?”

“No, I’m alone.”

“I miss you more and more each day,” he says, his tone becoming softer.

“I do too, I know you and Ashoka are highly trained Jedi but I cannot stop worrying for you. If something happened to you Anakin, I don’t know what I’d do,” you say. You pause for a moment then say, “Anakin I have something to tell you”

“What is it my love?”

“You’re…you’re going to be a father. I’m pregnant Anakin,” you say with a grave look on your face.

“That’s wonderful,” he says with a smile.

“It’s a blessing I know but it only makes me more afraid. For your safety, for mine, for your place in the council and mine in the Republic,” you say. “I wish you were here,” you say as a tear escapes and rolls down your face.

“I’ll come home. The work I’m doing is important but any Jedi or General could equally if not better do this. I want to be there for you, I need to be,” he says without hesitation.

“How? What will you tell the council and Obi-Wan?”

“Don’t worry about that, I’ll come up with something. All you need to worry about is staying safe,” he says. “I’ll see you soon, I love you.”

“I love you too,” you say softly.

Heyyy, sorry if this is short I’m lowkey falling asleep and this seems like a good place to end this part anyways. I’ll probably post a part two I do have an idea for it so stay tuned for that. If you enjoyed reading please like, reblog and or follow. If you want to check out my Masterlist I’ll leave the link there are fics for Jason Todd x reader, Dick Grayson x reader and of course other Anakin Skywalker x reader. Any and all positive feedback is very much appreciated I love knowing people are enjoying the fanfiction. Thanks for reading🩷

Masterlist

#anakin skywalker angst #anakin fluff #anakin skywalker x reader #anakin x reader #anakin angst #anakin fanfiction #star wars anakin #anakin skywalker #star wars fluff #star wars fanfiction #star wars fandom #star wars fangirl #anakin skywalker x you

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emotionallychargedtowel · 2 months ago

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Revisiting To My Star: A pursuer meets a distancer (season 1, episodes 1 & 2)

I’ve been meaning to do a To My Star rewatch for a while now. I have a lot of thoughts about the series and it’s a favorite of mine that I’ve already rewatched quite a bit, but I’ve never really formed those thoughts into some sort of gestalt. So I’ve been wanting to slow down, put the puzzle pieces together, and see what sort of picture emerges.

I thought about marathon-ing both seasons and trying to write a summary post, but it would probably be obscenely long and take me at least a month to finish. So instead of going that route, I’m going to slow down my watching pace a bit and post as I go along. I would go one episode at a time, but the first season episodes are so short that I’ll be doubling them up, at least until I reach the longer episodes in season 2.

As you might expect, the first two episodes are mostly focused on introducing the characters and setting up the plot. But they do a remarkably good job of revealing and even beginning to develop the characters given their short runtimes, and there are more clues here about how Ji Woo and Seo Joon will eventually relate to each other than I had realized.

By the way, I can’t help but see the beginning of the series through the lens of everything we learn later, but I’m still going to try to keep putting myself in the shoes of a first-time viewer because the way that information unfolds over time in the course of the story is an important part of how it works.

With that in mind…

What do we learn about Kang Seo Joon?

We see his good-natured side right away, but we also see how spoiled he is, and how he sometimes treats others’ feelings with a dismissive kind of casualness. We first encounter him as a sleepy voice on the phone, asking his manager Ho Min if he can pack his things for him before he goes on the run from the press. But as they pull out of the parking garage at his place, he speaks admiringly of the diligence of the reporters who chased after him so early in the morning. Of all the things to say at a time like that! And it seems sincere. After all, no one's listening but Ho Min.

Seo Joon spends a lot of his time smiling. Sometimes his smile is there to distract you and smooth things over because he’s actually being pretty inconsiderate, like when he orders breakfast from Ji Woo and then blatantly refuses to eat it. Yet there’s always some degree of of sincerity to it, if only because he sincerely wants whoever he’s smiling at to like him and approve of him even when he’s being a pain. And he really is likeable. It doesn’t hurt that Son Woo Hyeon has an adorable smile and a remarkable amount of seemingly innate charm. If a less appealing actor had been cast in this role, the story would never have worked. But it's also there in the writing.

In the first two episodes, we have no idea whether Seo Joon really hit his friend or not, or why he’s stonewalling his own management company. The CEO of his management company, Pil Hyun, refers to him having “another scandal,” implying he has come to the public’s attention in a negative light before. Ho Min alludes to him sometimes saying “scary” things when he's speaking with Pil Hyun in private. First-time viewers might think it’s a distinct possibility that he has a dark side that just hasn’t been shown yet.

We get a hint about Seo Joon’s isolation and loneliness when he asks Ho Min about hanging out together during his first day at Ji Woo’s house, becoming crestfallen when he says he’ll be busy with another actor. There’s already an implication that the relationships he does have may not be very meaningful, given that his supposed best friend doesn’t pick up his phone after their night out together results in a scandal. The fact that the only person he can socialize with at this point is someone who’s paid to spend time with him also isn’t a great sign.

When Seo Joon really starts to interact with Ji Woo, we start to see his persistent, friendly, relentlessly pursuing side, which I’ll talk about more in a bit. And right at the end of episode 2, when Ji Woo’s front window is broken by a rock, we see a very different side of Seo Joon from any we’ve seen up to this point when he begins to have a panic attack.

What do we learn about Han Ji Woo?

It’s harder to feel like you know Ji Woo well at this point in the series, because he’s so guarded. But we do get quite a bit of information about him. Ji Woo is very direct and, frankly, pretty grumpy. He takes pride in his work, despite the fact that his business partner is seen as a superior cook just because he was trained in Italy. Thus he doesn’t take kindly to his cooking being devalued, as it is (in his eyes at least) when Seo Joon refuses to try the egg dish he made for him (after he made an exception to cook for him before business hours). At the same time, he’s so sensitive that praise he views as excessive bothers him too, like when Seo Joon waxes rhapsodic about his mussel dish. It’s no wonder he doesn’t want too much praise, since he’s preoccupied with never being beholden to anyone. He says he doesn’t want “free money,” either in the form of payment for food that was not eaten or excessive reimbursement for the beers Seo Joon drank. The same seems to be true for anything else he doesn’t feel he has fully earned.

Ji Woo also isn’t a narc. When his reporter friend and his business partner talk about Seo Joon, it’s clear from the look on his face that he recognizes his name from earlier and realizes he’s the person who used his bathroom and rejected his egg dish. Is this a sign that he's already started to like Seo Joon? Nah, I don’t think so. I think it’s actually related to what we learn about Ji Woo’s family’s past in season 2. He knows enough about what it’s like to face the judgment of others, and about how arbitrarily that judgment is often meted out, that he doesn’t want to help anyone find Seo Joon.

We see examples of Ji Woo being really harsh and cold. He tells Seo Joon that he smells, seemingly just to get back at him for his earlier slights. When he says they shouldn’t get close during Seo Joon’s stay, he stares at him so aggressively that’s it's a little bit scary. Yet he shows consideration for Seo Joon in little ways. For example, when he’s making dinner, he reaches into the refrigerator. We see his hand grab an egg, but then it pauses and puts it back, seemingly because he remembered that Seo Joon isn't a fan.

If you watch closely, you can see that Ji Woo’s harshness isn’t just a result of unrestrained hostility, but rather, a means of keeping others at a distance. How can you tell? It’s a matter of timing. Sometimes he pushes Seo Joon away when he feels disrespected, or sees Seo Joon as rejecting him first. But other times, he pushes him away just when he’s been kind or friendly enough for Ji Woo to be tempted to let his guard down, as he does after Seo Joon compliments his cooking. When he first starts praising him, Ji Woo looks stunned and sort of ambivalent, as if he’s both wary of Seo Joon and drawn to him at the same time. Then his face hardens and he turns cold and critical.

But despite his efforts to keep Seo Joon at arm’s length, Ji Woo seems concerned when Seo Joon’s panic attack begins. It's an entirely new side of his personality.

Other characters

We don’t know much about Ji Woo’s business partner, Hyung Ki, yet. We know he trained in Italy, hinting at his greater degree of privilege relative to Ji Woo, and that he seems uncomfortable with people assuming he’s the better cook as a result. When their part-timer quits after no-showing, he gets significantly angrier about it than Ji Woo does. He believes in “physiognomy,” the idea that you can tell things about people’s personalities from their facial structure (and maybe other physical attributes). And he makes an interesting comment to their reporter friend: “They say those who betray you are usually the people closest to you.” Foreshadowing, perhaps?

We’ve just started to learn a few things about the aforementioned reporter friend, Yoon Seul. Mostly we know that she’s a busy, enterprising, hardworking journalist who managed to be the first to reach Seo Joon’s home after the story broke about the incident with him and his friend.

The main things we know about the CEO of Seo Joon’s management company, Pil Hyun, is that he likes to complain, particularly when Seo Joon causes hassles for him, and he thinks that people around him look down on him. He’s especially preoccupied with the idea that people around him are always talking smack about him because they think he only attained his position through nepotism. (Which he probably did, especially if he really is the same Pil Hyun that was played by the same actor in Where Your Eyes Linger, which was also directed by Hwang Da Seul).

Ho Min, the lower-level manager who deals with Seo Joon more directly most of the time, isn't very developed as a character yet. Mostly we see him doing his best to navigate tricky situations involving the various strong personalities at his job. But the moment when he was so struck by Ji Woo's coldness that he slapped himself in the face hints that he might have some eccentricities of his own.

Seo Joon's and Ji Woo's relationship so far

Their first interaction is fleeting and rather superficial, but it makes a decidedly negative first impression on Ji Woo. Seo Joon comes into it with his usual desire to please others and gain their approval, but since he’s not really committed to either goal, he’s full of smiles but disregards Ji Woo’s feelings. He still manages to be (annoyingly) charming, though. And hey, it’s early in the morning and he’s having a really bad day.

Their second meeting almost goes off the rails spectacularly. Ji Woo could have conked Seo Joon over the head with something, like he was considering doing, but Seo Joon turns to look at him just in time. Then Ji Woo unintentionally flashes him thanks to a bathrobe malfunction. (Would Seo Joon have been as determined to get closer to Ji Woo after this if he hadn’t gotten a peek at the goods? There’s no way to be sure.) I doubt that Seo Joon has any inkling of what Ji Woo will mean to him at this point, but this is when he really starts to do the full court press trying to get him to like him, and he never entirely lets up. But despite his cute smile when he talks about how their meeting twice in one day “seems like fate,” Ji Woo isn’t going for it—at least, not yet.

The next time they interact, the fact that Seo Joon drank all of Ji Woo’s beer the night before doesn’t help matters, nor does the way Seo Joon ends up boasting about his wealth when he offers to reimburse him and then some. Ji Woo shows his willingness to go for the jugular when he tells Seo Joon he stinks. But once Ho Min tells Seo Joon he smells fine, he shrugs it off easily. It’s almost as if the fact that Ji Woo wanted to get his goat badly enough to lie provides him some measure of encouragement.

But it’s in the evening of that day that their relationship starts to develop a bit more. Things aren't exactly looking great at this point, but they do start to give some hints of how they might relate to each other in the future. Ji Woo is annoyed to find pizza boxes outside his door and greets Seo Joon with monosyllables, but he does put back that egg after starting to take it out, showing Seo Joon some consideration, and he switches to informal speech with him. He still tells him that he thinks he’s “a bad person,” though, and points out that Seo Joon’s denial that he hit his friend doesn’t count for much. Seo Joon’s response is interesting. His expression turns forebodingly blank as he tells Ji Woo, “Then you must be very scared right now. Since you’re with a guy that beats people when they drink.” It’s like he’s calling Ji Woo’s bluff. He doesn’t actually seem hostile, though—it’s more like he’s trying to prove a point. Maybe he wants to show Ji Woo that even when he talks this way, he’s still not scary. I’m not sure. Either way, he then offers Ji Woo a slight smile and says “cheers,” and the tension level goes down as they each have a swig of somaek.

Seo Joon was already excited just smelling Ji Woo’s food when it was still on the stove, so it’s no surprise when he reacts with a stunned face and effusive praise once he actually tastes it. At first, Ji Woo seems a bit pleased by Seo Joon’s favorable response, showing the mixture of stunned and ambivalent expressions I mentioned before. Could he be on the verge of caving to Seo Joon’s charms a little? But then the praise starts to sound a bit over-the-top and he gets closed off again.

Then he makes an interesting comment. “You’re not considerate of other’s feelings and say what you want to say. I’m envious of it,” he tells Seo Joon. I’m curious about the translation here, because there are a few ways to interpret this. No one wants to be inconsiderate of others’ feelings, so I don't think that's exactly what he's saying. But maybe Ji Woo would like to be less preoccupied with other people’s perceptions of him so that he could just say what’s on his mind. It’s interesting that he basically admits here, by implication, that he’s been bottling things up and not being open with others. This statement has quite a few layers, but there’s no mistaking the fact that Ji Woo isn’t trying to be nice here. He leans closer to Seo Joon and glares with his eyes opened wide in an unmistakeable display of hostility.

I mentioned above that the timing of Ji Woo’s antagonistic displays suggest that he’s using his belligerent side to try to push Seo Joon away, sometimes because he's in danger of feeling close to him. This doesn’t exactly bode well, but at the same time, it suggests that Seo Joon really is almost managing to get a little closer to him.

Seo Joon responds to this intimidating behavior by jokingly asking Ji Woo if he’s taken a “kkondae test,” seemingly some sort of quiz that will tell the respondent whether or not they’re a kkondae. Apparently, the classic definition of a kkondae is an older person who acts in a condescending, controlling, pedantic way. But as Seo Joon adds, although Ji Woo is young, he still “ha[s[ what it takes to be a kkondae.” This is criticism, but it’s delivered with a notable dose of playfulness.

It’s fascinating to watch Seo Joon in these moments. Most people, even pretty persistent ones, wouldn’t respond to the things Ji Woo is saying or the looks he’s giving him by continuing to make friendly overtures. Seo Joon is downright exceptional in this department. This degree of persistence is one of the reasons he’s going to have a better chance of getting through to Ji Woo than the vast majority of people would.

Seo Joon also has another advantage, but it’s not one that he would have chosen. The moment when someone throws a rock through an adjacent window and Seo Joon starts to have a panic attack falls immediately after this exchange. When Ji Woo gets re-oriented after standing up and approaching the window, he sees the state Seo Joon is in and his expression changes. Seeing a vulnerable side of him is already having an effect.

There’s a lot going on here, and I won’t get into it too heavily yet. But it’s worth noting that Seo Joon’s and Ji Woo’s pursuer and distancer tendencies are already on display. (For more on what that means, check out this post where I talk about pursuer/distancer dynamics and how they apply to BL, including a part where I use an instructive example from To My Star season 2.) These tendencies also have implications for their attachment styles, something that I anticipate talking about more as I continue these rewatch posts.

Next up, episodes 3 and 4!

Big thanks to @my-rose-tinted-glasses for encouragement and for being a particularly effective and pleasant sounding board.

I also want to thank @mostlyfate for creating a treasure trove of absolutely beautiful gifs of this series a few years back. If you're a fan of TMS, I highly recommend checking out their gif posts for the show. They even have them tagged by episode!

#to my star #revisiting TMS #psychology of bl #pursuer distancer dynamic #family systems theory #hwang da seul #han ji woo #kang seo joon #kim kang min #son woo hyun #seo joon x ji woo

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yourlovingfng · 9 months ago

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Through photos and codes.

Chapter one.

Soap×Photographer&HackerFem!Reader

10 July 2011

It's 12.30 pm, you're currently in the paddock waiting for the start of the race, you decide to send a few texts, right now he's in Credenhill, not really that far away from where you're located

"How did it go this morning?"

You get no reply, he'd left you on read.

Whatever, you expected it, he will probably see it tonight.

-----

"Here you go, anything else?"

"A pen please."

"Got you."

Credenhill's hell, nothing to do but train. Soap is in a stationery at base, to celebrate he decided to get himself a journal, pocket-size, the squared lines are a bit blurred but it will work he just needs something to keep his mind busy during the hours he gets to rest.

"there you go"

"thank you."

Finding an isolated spot he decides to log the first happenings of the day:

Today he got to train with lieutenant Gaz, he thought him various ways to shoot and use a sidearm, “Remember, switching to your pistol is always faster than reloading” grabbed even a compliment from successfully stabbing a watermelon,

Than he met Captain Price along with other members of the team, CQB test. The CQB test is a "mock-up" of the cargo ship they will infiltrate in the next upcoming mission.

-----

Is now 10 pm and you just got home, the job is pretty demanding and most of the time you take a few days off just so you can at least have a social life apart from the workplace.

You just got out of the shower and hear a notification from your phone; it's Soap.

"Where are you?"

"At home in Hereford, why?"

"You wanna grab a pint?"

"Only if you don't make me drive in circles again, like last time."

"Ah don't worry lass it's actually near base but I'll send you the location just in case."

"It better be or I'm shaving that mohawk of yours Johnny, let me get ready, I'll see you in 30 minutes"

-----

Coming to destination you search for him but it doesn't take you much to immediately recognize him,

"there's my bonnie!" he welcomes you with open arms, you reach for him after getting out of your car and embrace his warmth tightly,

"Johnny you look like shit, went through hell in here?" you laugh looking at his face,

"just the start lass, just the start of this." he sighs maintaining eye contact,

"at least they didn't shave that head of yours." you offer him a simple smile,

he opens the door for you and get inside, the place wasn't that crowded, it was but you could've imagined the seats getting full of soldiers, the dim yellow lights that hung down from the ceiling gave a sense of comfort and privacy accompanied with the pub's wood interior, after grabbing your pints you both took a seat at a small table nearby, in the corner of the pub,

"So how did the breakup go?"

"it went alright, it was simple and there wasn't a fuss about it, but I feel like I lost a part of myself, I just wish we could've spent more time if it wasn't for the job. How about you?"

met with a slight pause you decide to take a sip of your pint,

"Nothing much went to the infirmary a few hours ago and the nurse tried to make advances on me"

You are taken out of surprise this time and almost choke yourself

"Did you fuck her?"

"It was a he but no."

"Well look at you pulling both genders."

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ultraericthered · 1 month ago

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2020 Memories: Quarantine

Following the outbreak of the COVID-19 global pandemic, our various governments - local, state, and federal - were caught flatfooted, due largely to our then President (who as of this writing has unfortunately returned to office as the First Felon In Chief working under Unelected President Elon Musk) botching the response to the spread of the virus so horribly, having known well in advance that it was deadly and that it was beginning to circulate on American soil yet publicly downplaying the danger and opting to do nothing to implement any measures for slowing the spread of illness and containing the virus as a threat. Public health officials were the only people who had any idea of what was going on and what needed to be done at the time, but far too many of the selfish and ignorant in our population refused to heed their words, refused to sacrifice their personal comfort and freedom in order to protect the lives of others, refused to even believe the virus and the danger it posed was real, so they followed the President's lead in flouting public health measures and living purely for themselves, doing whatever they wanted in a national environment plagued by a novel viral pandemic, which put others at further risk. The health officials and responsible government officials urged caution and put forward their recommendations and advice for keeping safe and healthy during these uncertain times, and all the smart, sensible, moral, and adaptable people answered their call. Public venues and businesses were indefinitely shut down, pickup and delivery for food became more widespread, remote working and remote schooling became the norm, we all had to socially distance and keep a good few feet apart from others, avoid shaking hands when we could, frequently wash our hands, self-quarantine at home, take whatever remedies we could in absence of a genuine vaccine, and (horror of horrors) wore face masks when out in public! Everything just went topsy turvy!

Now for the tangent part of this post:

Many people just weren't built for adapting to a lifestyle upheaval event and enduring a moment in history like this. While a few have my sympathy and understanding, I feel disconnected from most of them and their personal experiences during the pandemic. I'm slow to be all that receptive to sudden big changes too, but I both understood the nature of this situation and just basic consideration for my fellow humans meant that such big changes were an absolutely necessary requirement and I had to commit myself to them, and I had next to no trouble adapting and settling into that "new normal" because I feel I was very uniquely equipped for dealing with it. I don't have a big social life, don't need to leave my house to go somewhere in town every single day, and I live fairly reclusively with just my family and I, so quarantine was pretty easy for me to get a handle of. But more than that, I absolutely relished those quarantine days. I unironically enjoyed myself and found living that isolated, indoors, social distancing life to be very comfy. Having a lot of things to do, games to play, programs to watch, books to read, videos and podcasts to check out, stuff to eat and drink, beds and sofas to relax on, and even old memories to reconnect with in my home to keep me engaged certainly made it manageable. There were even other people to talk to via phone calls and online chat! And the face masks? C'mon. It wasn't the most comfortable thing to do, but I only had to do it when out in public spaces either outdoors or indoors, and when you get down to it, it's just a piece of cloth that covers your nose and mouth. That's really what so many spoiled and vain Americans take issue with? That being asked to wear them for the sake of protecting yourself and more importantly protecting others during a public health crisis was such an unforgivable crime? The minds of these ridiculous people, I will never understand.

In all the years that followed and even now, five years later, I find that relaxed, secluded NEET lifestyle never left me even when we all exited the pandemic and tried to get back on our feet in the world. In fact, with the orange felon back in power and the world descending back into an almost apocalyptic state, I feel like a full-on dive back into that state of living has become inevitable. I look forward to it.

youtube

(This song was my anthem for living the quarantine life with friends and family in 2020; "Round and Laundry", by Carole & Tuesday.)

#2020 Memories #2020 #COVID 19 #coronavirus #pandemic #covid pandemic #public health #quarantine #nostalgia #good ol days

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suspensefulpen · 1 year ago

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Ballroom Waltz

TW: Discussions of Torture and Kidnapping, Bad Caretaker, Multiple Whumpers

“I really think you should meet them.” Caretaker nodded with a smile. “I think you’d like them a lot.”

“They sound interesting.” Whumper One hummed before taking a sip of his champagne. He glanced to his right, scanning over all of the faces on the dance floor. “You got me out here, I would at least like to see them. You make them seem like they’re the best thing on this Earth.”

“Oh, they are.” Caretaker nodded again. “They’re quite wonderful. I’ve known them for about four or five years now. They’re really sweet.”

“Is that right?” Whumper One squinted at him. “Since when do we keep secrets from each other Caretaker?”

“I know, I know. But you’ve been so distant lately, especially with me moving away and all. I thought maybe you didn’t want to be bothered. So I just kept it to myself.” Caretaker shrugged, looking down in his own glass. “I kind of miss the good old days Whumper One.”

He turned his gaze back to the sea of people waltzing out on the dance floor. “Is that why you bought this building?”

“Yeah… Kind of.” Caretaker nodded. “I just wanted to relive a few memories with you. I realize that’s the only way to get you to come out anymore.”

Whumper One smiled. “You know I like to have fun, Caretaker. How could I turn such an invitation down?”

“That’s why I asked you to come.” He smiled back.

Whumper One remembered back when he and Caretaker were young. Whumper Two too. Whumper Two always threw balls every weekend just so the three of them could have fun. During every one of them, they’d pluck out a lucky guest to torture for a couple of weeks. They always picked a stray. One that no one would notice if they suddenly went missing. Once they were finished having fun, they’d toss them aside and move on to a new one. And of course, they made sure the guest wouldn’t make a peep about what happened to them. If they so much as thought about it, their life would be on the line.

One night they found themselves a guest lingering near them way longer than necessary. Without a second thought, they quickly made them their target. That night was the biggest mistake of their lives.

Whumper One cleared his throat, attempting to ignore the pain slowly seeping into his calf. “So, have you heard from Whumper Two lately?”

“Whumper Two told me he would be here. He should be on his way.”

“So exactly what part of our memories did you want to relive?” He faced Caretaker again, giving him a look. “The part where we danced the night away, getting as drunk as we possibly can? Or the part after that?”

Caretaker smirked behind his glass. “I think you know which part I mean.” He took a sip. “I say we do that. But we add a little aftercare afterward?”

“Aftercare…” Whumper One repeated, as if the word was unfamiliar to him.

“Yes,” Caretaker nodded. “Think about it. What’s more scary? Knowing you’ll be hurt, or not knowing who you can actually trust?” His smirk turned wicked.

Whumper One tried his best to hold back a laugh. “And here I was thinking you felt like you were getting too old for this. And that was why you moved away.”

“Isolation.” He raised a brow at Caretaker. “Think about it, Whumper One. We’re in the middle of nowhere. No one can hear a thing. Last time won’t happen again. Even if they do scream. Everyone will be too busy dancing and drinking to even pay it any mind. Nobody would even care.”

“And this person you’ve been talking about…they aren’t actually your friend are they?” Whumper One narrowed his eyes. Silence followed his question as Caretaker shifted his attention elsewhere, his smirk never faltering. Whumper One only laughed. “You’ve gotten worse than me.”

“I can’t blow my cover yet though. I’ll let you and Whumper Two take the lead.”

“So you’re not gonna help at all?” He raised a brow.

“Oh I will. I absolutely will. I’ll feed you information.”

Whumper One slowly began to realize Caretaker’s plan. So that’s what this aftercare thing is all about. This is all so we can break them more easily. This was also why he never told me about them and pretended to be their friend. He was planning all of this from the beginning. Whumper One smirked. “You’re a real sick bastard, you know that?”

“I learned from the sickest.” Caretaker’s own smirk turned into a soft grin. He made eye contact. “You can break someone more than physically, you know.”

“You know what, I–”

“They’re here. Stay there.” Caretaker whispered before walking away. Whumper One watched him walk across the room to the person standing cluelessly by the door. He squinted as the two greeted each other before Caretaker began ushering them towards Whumper One. When they got closer, Whumper One noticed how well dressed they were. Draped in fine fabrics from head to toe, one could only assume the amount of wealth they had. They were very beautiful as well. It was a bit hard to ignore that. Whumper One imagined they looked just as beautiful when they were crying. “Whumpee, this is my great friend, Whumper One.”

Whumpee smiled. “It’s nice to meet you, Whumper One. Caretaker talks a lot about you.”

Whumper One did his best to suppress the surprise in both his tone and his expression. Not only were they gorgeous, they had an angelic voice to go with it. “Is that right? I’m assuming they were all of my failures and embarrassments.”

“No, of course not.” They shook their head. “He tells me a lot about how you two grew up together and you were really close friends.”

Whumper One glanced up and the grin Caretaker wasn’t even trying to hide. He stood straighter, adjusting his suit jacket. “Well it’s nice to meet you too. Any friend of Caretaker’s is a friend of mine.” Whumper One placed his glass down on a nearby servant’s empty tray. He held his hand out. “How about a dance? We get to know each other for a bit, yeah?”

Whumpee looked surprised but took his hand anyway. “Oh, alright. Sure.”

Whumper One led them out onto the dance floor. He quickly noted how much smaller Whumpee was compared to him, only coming up to his shoulder. He threw a smirk over his shoulder at Caretaker.

This should be fun.

Part 2

#creative writing #writeblr #writer things #writers on tumblr #suspense #plot twist #whump #whump writing #emotional whump #ballroom whump #bad caretaker #multiple whumpers #implied torture #implied kidnapping #penni writes

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fake-ascension · 9 months ago

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i guess i need some. advice? encouragement? about some stuff thats been happening recently so suicide/violence cw under the cut

i won't go into detail but i had. a very huge emotional/physical/mental breakdown today. where i was just. basically screaming and howling about how suicidal ive been lately. I haven't said anything out loud/via text on the internet abt it because i know saying i want to kms so often is bad for my own well being and ultimately makes other uncomfortable as well

so yeah i've just been. holding all that in. i knew the thoughts were coming in and out the past few months but was just shrugging it off as just being stressed abt the nightmare year i had. but i really was just. lying to myself and others because i didnt want to worry anyone/didn't want to admit how horrible i was doing after a couple years of good progress. but as it stands things are heading into a really bad direction for me rn. its not normal to go to sleep suicidal and immediately be suicidal upon waking up.

I don't really know what i can really do harm reduction wise. i'm unable to have regular visits with a psychiatrist/therapist bc of availability issues + i tend to just. lie. because its easier to say im fine than it is to advocate for myself and get actual help. and even then medication will not save me and coping skills can only go so far if im so deep in it im unable to take care of myself/feed myself/clean myself/eat/etc so none of it is effective enough in the moment. i know it CAN be effective and some of the skills ive learned can help during situational issues but this is really deep rooted improperly treated mental illness and i need a stronger foundation to be able to use any of the skills

i use a means of self isolation to punish myself, because i'm so upset with myself for not being able to pick myself up on my own. people can say im not a burden over and over but theres always gonna be a catch in the end. i freak out because what if this is one of my last meltdowns before they decide enoughs enough and i just get abandoned. again.

I feel like maybe being so Online is making things worse?? but i don't know??? my concentration is completely gone even when trying to use dnd/closing discord completely and im just constantly refreshing social media every 10 seconds and just stew in the bad feelings.

I don't know if just. leaving the internet cold turkey for a bit would do more harm than good.....i dont want to be alone and caught up in my thoughts. but i have a hard time doing things in 'moderation' and don't know how to even begin to roll back my internet/screen time usage

fandom is fun and great. but i dont think i should be using video games as pure escapism or playing them 24/7. im already getting bored and unenthusiastic about the things i like because its ALL i do.... I want to have at least SOME time away from screens. i hate having the impulse the check social media or refresh even 30 seconds (im even doing it NOW) but i just dont know where to begin in cultivating non-screentime hobbies and have the ability to focus on things more long term without having than doing 1000 things all at once to keep myself busy. i play video games muted most of the time, have a yt video playing, sometimes i'll stop mid video game and pull out my ipad while still having the games open, and im always on discord

there's books i still want to read, i eventually want to pick up sewing again. im considering getting a craft set for making those beaded bracelets (my brother gets them from concerts all the time and thinks it would be fun to make them too) but that all requires money

and i just. idk where im going with this rn but. any advice or suggestions or just. words of encouragement would be. really nice rn

#yappin

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aughby · 8 months ago

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Lines We Can't Cross

I still remember the first time I noticed Yuki in a different light. It wasn't during one of his many jokes, or when he was laughing with the rest of our classmates, carefree and easygoing as always. It was during one of those moments when the world felt like it had stopped spinning for me.

We were practicing for a chorale contest at school when I received the news—my close relative had passed away. My chest tightened, and I felt a wave of guilt wash over me for not being with my family, for missing practice, for everything. I didn’t know what to do, but for some reason, I messaged Yuki about it. I don’t even know why I chose him out of all people, but in that moment of vulnerability, I just typed out my grief and sent it to him.

Yuki responded almost immediately. His words, though simple, were sincere. "Hey, don’t beat yourself up. Your family understands. And you know what? It's okay to feel sad, but don’t carry the guilt. We’re here for you." There was something about the way he made me feel heard and understood that struck me deeply. From that day, I found myself sharing more with him—not just the surface-level stuff, but the real, raw things I couldn't share with anyone else. He became more than just the class clown; he became my confidant, my source of comfort.

Before I knew it, I had fallen for him.

It wasn’t planned, of course. I mean, how could it be? Yuki, with his lighthearted teasing and jokes about how "no one should fall for him," made it seem impossible. I laughed along with him, but secretly, I was sinking deeper into my feelings. The pandemic hit, and suddenly, we weren’t seeing each other every day. At first, I thought that the distance would help me forget about him, that being away from him would allow these feelings to fade.

But the opposite happened.

Late-night chats became our norm. We shared everything—our frustrations with online classes, the emptiness of not seeing friends, the isolation. It was during these moments, behind the screen, where I realized my feelings for Yuki were more than just a crush. I was in love with him. But I never told him, not then. How could I? He was Yuki—my friend who joked about not wanting anyone to fall for him. It seemed too risky, so I kept my feelings locked away, hoping that maybe, just maybe, things would eventually sort themselves out.

Then came the end of senior year. I landed a job, one that would take me far from home. I told Yuki, expecting the same warmth in his response that I had grown used to. He congratulated me, of course, but something felt off. He was distant, not like the Yuki I had shared everything with. I tried to organize a farewell dinner, but he told me he was too busy. I even planned an outing for our whole group, but when my trip got pushed up, I had to leave without saying a proper goodbye.

I still remember the hollow feeling in my chest when I left. I hoped we would stay close, that we would keep in touch like we always had. But as the weeks turned into months, the late-night chats grew sparse. Our conversations faded, and with them, my hope of keeping that closeness alive.

Graduation day arrived, and I came home. After months of being apart, I saw Yuki again. But something was different. There was a stiffness between us, a wall I couldn’t quite place. We didn’t talk that day, not really. My best friend managed to take a few pictures of us, standing side by side, but we didn’t say a word. I congratulated him later, and he did the same. That was the last time I saw him in person.

When I heard from a friend that Yuki was moving to Italy for work, something inside me shifted. I realized this was it. If I didn’t say something now, I might never get the chance. I spent hours drafting a message, pouring out every unsaid feeling, every hope, and every fear. I hesitated to send it, but in the end, I did. I posted it in a blog, protected by a password only he could read, and messaged him right as his plane took off.

He said he’d read it once he arrived.

Days passed. Then weeks. Then months.

I never got a response. The silence stretched on, and with each passing day, I felt more foolish for confessing. Maybe he didn’t read it. Or maybe he did, and my worst fear was true—he didn’t feel the same. Eventually, I accepted that what we had was gone, the connection we built now only a memory.

Then, on Independence Day, months after I had given up hope, his reply came.

He apologized. He thanked me for sharing my feelings. But in the end, he didn’t feel the same. It wasn’t that he didn’t care about me—he did. But not in the way I had hoped. His rejection was gentle, kind, but it didn’t change the fact that my heart broke. The friendship we had once cherished now felt tainted by the weight of my unspoken love.

I couldn’t blame him. He had always been genuine with me, always honest. But in trying to express my heart, I had crossed a line that couldn’t be undone. I told myself we could still be friends, that we would move past this, but deep down, I knew things would never be the same.

Two years have passed since that message, and we haven’t seen each other since. We’ve stayed in touch, barely, but the closeness we once had is gone. I don’t know if I’ll ever have the courage to face him again. Part of me wonders if I did the right thing, risking everything for the chance to love him. Another part of me knows that, even if it didn’t end the way I wanted, I had to let him know.

But now, all I’m left with are the memories of what we once had, and the understanding that sometimes, love isn't enough to save a friendship.

Some lines, once crossed, can never be redrawn.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Yuki's POV:

People always say I'm the funny guy. The one who can make everyone laugh, turn awkward moments into jokes, and lighten the mood no matter how heavy the situation is. That’s just who I’ve always been—the joker, the guy people don’t take too seriously, and I’m okay with that. But what most don’t know is that when someone comes to me with something real, something serious, I drop the act. I listen, I care, and I try to be there for them, even if it’s just with words.

That’s how it started with her.

I didn’t think much of it at first. She was just a classmate, someone I saw around school, someone I would joke with like everyone else. But that changed when she messaged me one day, telling me that someone close to her had passed away. I could tell she was hurting. The usual jokes weren’t going to help this time. So, I said what I thought she needed to hear—something real. I told her not to carry the guilt, that her family would understand, that it was okay to feel the sadness.

What I didn’t expect was how that one conversation would change things between us.

After that, she started talking to me more, sharing things that were deeper, more personal. And honestly, I liked being that person for her. I liked that she trusted me. We became close, closer than I had ever expected. We messaged each other every day, and I found myself looking forward to our late-night talks. She was someone I could be serious with when I needed to be, but also someone I could laugh with. It was... easy.

But there was always this underlying thing. I could feel it—how she sometimes looked at me, how she would hesitate when we talked about relationships or love. I could sense that she might be starting to feel something more, but I never addressed it. I didn’t want to ruin what we had. And to be honest, I wasn’t sure if I was ready for that, if I could give her more than what we already had. So I kept things light, made jokes, even teased her about not falling for me. It was my way of keeping distance, of protecting whatever we had.

Then the pandemic hit, and everything changed.

We couldn’t see each other in person, but we still talked—about school, life, frustrations. It became a routine, something that kept us both grounded during all the chaos. And then, before I knew it, senior year was almost over. She told me she got hired at a company and would be moving away. I congratulated her, of course, but there was this sinking feeling in my chest that I didn’t want to acknowledge. I should’ve done more. I should’ve made more time for her before she left, but I didn’t. I made excuses, said I was busy, and when she planned that farewell outing, I thought I’d catch her later. Only, she left before I got the chance.

Months passed. She was gone, and we still messaged each other sometimes, but things felt different. Graduation day came, and when I saw her again after so long, I could feel the awkwardness between us. It was like we didn’t know how to talk to each other anymore, like something had shifted, but neither of us wanted to acknowledge it. We didn’t even really talk that day, just a few words exchanged, and then she was gone again.

Then came the news—she found out I was moving to Italy for work. I didn’t tell her myself; she heard it through a friend. I wasn’t sure why I didn’t reach out to her first. Maybe because I knew things had already changed, and I wasn’t sure how to handle it. That’s when she sent me the link to her blog, said she had written something for me.

I told her I’d read it once I got to Manila. But I didn’t.

Days turned into weeks, and I kept putting it off. I don’t even know why. Maybe I was scared of what she might’ve written, scared that it would confirm what I already knew—that she had feelings for me, and I wasn’t ready to face it. Months went by, and the guilt of not responding started eating at me. I wanted to, but I didn’t know what to say. How could I? I didn’t want to hurt her, but I knew I couldn’t give her what she wanted.

Then, one day, on Independence Day, I finally read it.

She had confessed her feelings—feelings she had been holding onto for so long. I could feel the weight of every word she wrote, the care, the hope. And I felt terrible for making her wait so long for a response. But I had to be honest with her. I couldn’t pretend. I couldn’t lead her on.

So I replied, months late. I told her how much I valued our friendship, how much she meant to me, but that I didn’t feel the same. It was hard to write those words, knowing that they would hurt her, but it was the truth. I couldn’t be the person she wanted me to be, and I didn’t want to give her false hope.

After I hit send, I didn’t know what to expect. I figured that was it. Our friendship was over, ruined by feelings we couldn’t control. Part of me felt relieved, like I had finally addressed the elephant in the room, but another part of me felt like I had lost something important. Something irreplaceable.

It’s been two years now since I last saw her. We don’t talk like we used to. The late-night chats have stopped, and the easygoing friendship we had has faded into something... distant. I know she’s probably moved on, and I’ve tried to do the same. But sometimes, I think back to those days when things were simpler, when we could talk for hours without the weight of unspoken feelings hanging between us.

I don’t regret being honest with her, but I do regret that things had to change. I wonder if we could have stayed friends, if there was a way to keep what we had without crossing that line. But now, it’s too late.

Sometimes, the hardest part isn’t the confession. It’s realizing that once you cross that line, you can’t go back.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Years had passed, and life had moved on, or so she thought. The memories of Yuki were tucked away somewhere deep in her heart, only surfacing in quiet moments when she allowed herself to remember the time they had spent together—the late-night conversations, the friendship that had once been so easy. It wasn’t until tonight, at a concert she hadn’t even planned on attending, that all those buried feelings came rushing back.

As the music boomed around her and the crowd swayed to the beat, she scanned the sea of faces absentmindedly. Then she froze. There he was. Yuki. Laughing with a group of friends not too far away, looking almost the same as he had in school—except more mature, more... distant. Her heart raced, and a wave of panic hit her. She wasn’t ready for this. She wasn’t ready to face him.

Without thinking, she turned and ran.

Yuki had been enjoying the concert, trying to lose himself in the music, when he saw a flash of movement in the crowd. It took him a second to register the familiar face—her face. His heart skipped a beat. She was here. After all these years, here she was, just a few feet away. But before he could even process what he was feeling, she was running. Running away.

“Wait!” Yuki called out instinctively, his feet already moving to chase her.

She wove through the crowd, her heart pounding louder than the music. She didn’t know why she was running. Maybe it was the shock, or maybe it was the fear of facing everything she had tried to bury for so long. But she couldn’t face him—not after all this time, not after everything that had happened between them.

Yuki wasn’t about to let her disappear again. He pushed through the crowd, calling her name. The sound of his voice sent a shiver down her spine, but she kept moving. Finally, she reached the exit, breathless and shaken, but before she could make it out, a hand gently grabbed her wrist.

“Please, wait,” Yuki’s voice was soft but urgent.

She stopped, frozen in place. Slowly, she turned to face him. The years had changed him—there was a seriousness in his eyes now, something different from the carefree boy she once knew. For a moment, neither of them spoke. The noise of the concert faded into the background, leaving only the two of them in the moment.

“I didn’t think I’d ever see you again,” he said, his voice low but steady.

She swallowed, her heart still racing. “I... I didn’t mean to run.”

Yuki smiled gently. “I know. But... we can’t keep running forever, can we?”

The weight of unspoken words hung between them.

The moment felt like it stretched forever, yet it passed too quickly. She stared at Yuki, his familiar face now so different in the dim light of the street outside the concert venue. Time had changed him—broadened his shoulders, deepened the lines around his eyes—but there was something else. Distance.

“Yuki…” she began, but her voice faltered. What could she say to bridge the years of silence and the painful words left unspoken?

Yuki’s smile faded, replaced with a somber expression that mirrored the weight in her chest. “I’ve thought about you a lot,” he said quietly, his eyes not meeting hers. “About what happened between us, how we just… drifted apart.”

She felt her heart twist at his words. The memories came flooding back: late-night chats, stolen glances, the warmth of their friendship turning into something she had kept hidden for so long. The confession she had finally sent him, hoping that maybe, just maybe, he’d feel the same. Only for it to be met with silence.

“You never responded,” she whispered, the hurt she had buried for so long rising to the surface. “I waited, Yuki. For months, I waited.”

He winced, the guilt clear in his eyes. “I know. And I’m sorry. I didn’t know how to reply. I didn’t want to hurt you… but I didn’t realize how much I already had by saying nothing.”

She felt the sting of tears, but she blinked them back. “You broke me,” she said, her voice trembling. “I put everything I felt into that message, and you just… left me hanging. I thought we meant something to each other. I thought I meant something to you.”

Yuki took a deep breath, the regret etched into his features. “You did. You do. But when I got your message, I… I was scared. I didn’t want to ruin our friendship, and I didn’t know if I could give you what you were asking for. I wasn’t ready.”

His words hit her like a punch to the gut. All this time, she had held onto the hope that maybe, deep down, he had felt the same way but was too afraid to admit it. But hearing him now, she realized how wrong she had been.

“I loved you, Yuki,” she said, her voice breaking. “I really loved you. And you just… let me go.”

The silence between them was suffocating. Yuki looked at her, his eyes filled with sorrow. “I know,” he said, his voice barely above a whisper. “And I’m sorry. But I couldn’t love you the way you deserved to be loved.”

Her heart shattered at his words, the final confirmation of what she had feared all along. There was no ‘what if.’ There was no going back. Everything they had was truly lost.

She looked down, biting her lip to keep from crying. She had promised herself she wouldn’t cry in front of him, not now, not after everything. “So that’s it, huh?” she said bitterly. “We’re just strangers now, after everything?”

Yuki’s silence was answer enough.

She felt the tears start to slip down her cheeks, but she quickly wiped them away. She couldn’t do this anymore—couldn’t keep holding onto something that was never going to happen.

“I thought seeing you again would change things,” she admitted, her voice barely above a whisper. “But now… I realize it doesn’t. We’re not the same people we were, Yuki. And I can’t keep pretending that we are.”

He reached out as if to comfort her, but she took a step back. She couldn’t bear his touch. Not now. Not when it was all too late.

“I’m sorry,” he said again, his voice cracking with emotion. But it wasn’t enough. It would never be enough.

She looked at him one last time, memorizing the face of the boy she had loved, the boy who had broken her heart without even knowing it. “Goodbye, Yuki.”

Before he could say anything, she turned and walked away. This time, she didn’t run. She didn’t need to. Because she knew—deep down—that this was the real goodbye. Not just to Yuki, but to the hope she had carried for so long.

And as she disappeared into the crowd, Yuki stood there, watching her go, knowing that he had lost something he would never be able to get back.

#yuki ishikawa #ryujin nippon #volleyball #fanfic #ishikawa #japan volleyball team #au

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