#keep getting a bad feeling in my gut
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wtf man
#marlo’s stuff#keep getting a bad feeling in my gut#same feeling as when my anxiety gets really bad#but just out of fucking nowhere#man i was just watching a yt video and boy oh boy am i feeling it#bro leave me alone#i wanna throw up oughhhh
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sometimes i just kinda sit there and think about how it is genuinely difficult for me to conceive of myself being desired
#i like myself a lot#but i don't really trust or expect other people to specifically single me out as attractive or worthwhile#like i guess i'm cool to others when there aren't other options or priorities but i'm not going to be actively pursued or chosen#i'm never the easiest option and therefore not the option anyone goes for#i think part of the appeal of embracing my bisexuality is hoping that maybe i /could/ be an easier option#bc when you're just dating people of the same sex there are a lot of things that can make it complicated or even impossible#and it hurts#and it sucks#i am so used to being treated in a certain way in relationships i naturally gravitate towards#to the point that i shame myself and feel selfish for simply wanting to be seen as attractive or treated with genuine care#like. somewhere in my gut i just don't think that can happen to me#i really want to believe that my gut is wrong and that i've just had very bad luck and i've made some bad choices in the company i keep#so i'm trying to keep searching for connections#but it sucks to feel at every turn like i'm almost delusional for wanting to be desired and treated well#those are very reasonable things to want#and other people get to have them#so why can't i
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my last week, a visual demonstration
#Robin processes emotions on main#hi yes I came back early. it's in order to process. I needed to like.... spill my guts on the dashboard tonight#IM STRUGGLING..#I have GOT to get a job#just one (1) more visit to a friend this summer and then I will be APPLYING for things again#also I'm having the very devil of a time trying to get myself to contribute to this household. I hate it#I hate that helping out makes me feel like I'm losing my agency—losing myself—like I'm dying every time. I want to be BETTER than this#but I also need to feel like an adult with agency but also I need to BEHAVE like an adult but even just saying that makes me feel nauseous#I need. something. to change. I hate this. I feel selfish and cowardly and I hate feeling selfish and cowardly#I need to . communicate. work something out with my mother so that I stop feeling perpetually behind and ashamed#if I could manage to feel good about chores and not just like I'm scrambling to keep up..... that would..... be... more... motivational#the problem is that I feel unsafe/unstable right now and my instinctive response is to close myself off to all demands#WHICH AS YOU CAN IMAGINE IS NOT CONDUCIVE TO BECOMING MORE STABLE.#demand avoidance makes me bad at contributing to the household AND terrified of applying to jobs and AUGH... AUGH.#I DO BETTER WHEN I LIVE ON MY OWN#living on my own‚ I don't have to deal with the whole soul-crushing horrorshow of negotiating my own emotions about doing chores#chores are GOOD and ENJOYABLE when they're for ME. they're only psychological torture when they're things I do as part of my ''rent''#ok. bedtime. I've sufficiently spilled my dang guts all over the place. it will get better eventually I think#I'm just having a horrible time Right Now#I'll figure this out though dangit#I KNOW the answer is to just Do the stuff and face fears and communicate and whatever I KNOW. but if anyone tells me that I'm going to bite#ok I'm done thank you and sorry to anyone reading this far <3 it really will be all right
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the implications of this bit are still wrecking me sososo bad
#literally like this chapter was probably the only time a fictional story made me genuinely sad irl#i love angst but it makes me happy not sad#this one tho. made my chest hurt#idk man like irl i don’t really feel a whole lot of anything so it’s surprising#maybe thats why this hurt so bad actually#but also there’s just something really genuinely sad about Saiki admitting that he doesn’t feel like he has a reason to keep going#especially when the whole chapter was him trying so hard to simulate the feeling that regular people get naturally#and then in the end failing#the whole chapter was really funny too so Asou ending it on this was a whole gut punch hahahha
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breakups are so fucking weird. three years and just like that it's gone. huh
#helix.txt#gross i ended up spilling my guts in tags. look at them fucking writhing on the floor all bloody#dont rb please#vent#to quote fall out boy i knew it was over i just didn't know the date#yeah that's it. fall out boy can fix this.#i will feel better if i go listen to bang the doldrums#and infinity on high in general#and folie a deux. folie a fucking deux how i love that album#my chem will make me better. gerard way save me#god what a weird feeling. you used to know me better than any other person but then you moved hundreds of miles away and it worked#for a while. then two years later you said it wasnt working and that this was best for both of us. guess i never got the memo for that one#hope we treat other people better because i wasn't as kind as i should have been towards the end and you were never as thoughtful or con-#-siderate as i needed towards the end. we grew apart because you're bad at keeping contact over messaging#and in some ways the cracks in the foundation that grew from that were my fault too i guess. our conversations always felt one sided#maybe i was smothering you#you could never seem to keep more than a passing recollection of the things i liked or even pay much attention to them#but i wasn't great about that either#we just became different people. you weren't what i wanted or needed and you couldn't do long distance. whatever#i know it was the right thing i just wish it hadn't made me feel so damn awful#will we still talk after this? who knows. we didn't end on bad terms but things are definitely weird#and considering your track record with people you can only talk to online i'm not optimistic#you tried to break things off initially by saying you'd said you would improve in the past with nothing to show for it#something i didn't disagree with but i said it didn't bother me much. and it didn't#but it's complicated now. i did deserve better. but you made it clear i'm not getting it from you#you weren't as present or thoughtful as i needed#i wasn't there in person the way you needed and certainly not as considerate as i should have been. and for that second part i'm truly sorr#anyways. sorry. i'd been thinking about it for a long time anyway. i didn't want to admit it because i didn't like to think#about what it might bring. maybe i should have been braver#right. that's enough
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oh no 😦 the alcohol cravings 😦
sitting here like a pathetic pos, tears in my eyes, trying to decide if my last $30 is worth spending on a bottle o new amsterdam or not
FUCK bro I know it's not smart, I was going to spend it on like eggs and bread at the grocery store tomorrow. But. Fucking hell its so tempting.
I FEEL like I NEED it. And I know that's the head gremlins talking but theyre sooooooo loud
Having a mental breakdown rn
#I keep telling myself like; "if you do this.#“you're cementing yourself as a nonfunctional alcoholic. Bc you set rules for yourself and now you're breaking them”#and FUCK I keep thinking ab that day my therapist labelled me after watching me spiral too far into addiction#Its like stuck in my brain forever it's a core memory and it feels like a stab in the gut Everytime I think ab it#I can't bro. I can't let myself 😭 but the cravings... I literally cannot describe how bad it can get
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Some Batman: Telltale thoughts
[this is a Batman Telltale critical post, ye be warned.]
So. There are perhaps no words in the english language to describe with how stupid i feel right now.
I started Telltale Batman because i thought that it's one of the more distinct unconventional Batman narratives that would let you have a more interesting, complex and nuanced relationship between Bruce and Joker— the game even lets you bring all of Bruce's sincere hypocrisy and sentimental selfishness to the surface and have him admit that yes, he can fight the rogues gallery because it takes a madman to know a madman; to love a madman. For a moment i geniunely thought that i can escape the everpresent shadow of DC hays code in the freakshow funhouse that is Batman comics, i thought Telltale had done something different.
But telltale's approach to The Enemy Within is so flaky and flimsy and timid at best— such noncommittal twist on themes of pain and grief. They take on a hefty plotline, "what does it take to actually fight through evil and be surrounded by it? How long does it take before your resolve and your selfhood cracks? When you lose the mask, which one did you truly lose— The ideal persona, the superhero, the crusader, or the person underneath, the casket that holds all your humanity and your heart and your hopes? How long can you stare onto the abyss before it stares onto you?" It's indeed a very Nietzsche approach to Batman— except that a good Nietzsche narrative takes a lot of intentional plot points and honesty of thought and of heart. And Telltale doesn't commit, not to Bruce's characterization, and not to any other character, and definitely not to Joker's journey in any variation of it. The existence of the Vigilante route is useless on every front; Joker is going to turn into a villain anyway, just with a different hello kitty eyeshadow palette and an extra bland consolation lollipop. No good choice Bruce makes on Joker's behalf affects anything whatsoever, and i particularly love the "community and friendship and sympathy do not help the mentally ill and all that ever works is punishment and shock therapy and confinement and loneliness" message the vigillante route puts on the table, charming charming status quo commandments from DC as always.
Telltale Batman could only be revolutionary if it had dared to break comic convention and let the vigillante route play out like Selina and Bruce's relationship always does; very grey morality, irrational, full of tension and trust, unstable, intriguing, inexcusable, irreversible, unavoidable and heartfelt, human. But we can't have nice things in batmanverse, so both Joker routes run on stuck gears and topple and fall into a predictable narrative hole that neither Bruce nor Joker can claim out of.
And on the predictable front? this story is too lukewarm to be a good time for me personally. When you get 84 Batman comics per minute every other Tuesday, all ending the same way no matter whatever the fickity happens inbetween, you have to pull no punches. This is my 53368532th Batman-with-tragic-batjokes-implications read of the week, say something new or forever hold your blue-balling silence, i dont care.
#Like. season 2 starts to become a fucking mess from episode 2#Tiffany?????? the Tiffany twist was so bad i can't??????#30 SECONDS TO THE END ROLLS AND ALFRED FUCKING PENNYWORTH DECIDES TO DITCH BRUCE???? LIKE ARE WE TALKING ABOUT THE SAME CHARACTER??????#I chose Bruce to leave his Batman persona behind in order to keep Alfred because 1) batworth agenda lmao and#2) i knew it'd make absolutely zero difference in the narrative like. bitch you're not gonna introduce a plot point this big#10 seconds before the game ends. you're just not doing that#that's literally 58 comic volumes worth of plot#But also I FUCKING LOST SELINA!!! SELINA MY BELOVEDEST!!!! JUST TO SAVE JOHN!!!!!#DC status quo is my villain origin story fr#tumblr made me think that in telltale batman you can actually save the Joker and have an intricate interesting dynamic with him#what with all the choices letting you bring to light how Bruce is just a human after all. like everyone else#not good by nature; but good by deed#but you will still lose the Joker no matter what choices you make. holy shit.#Someone on reddit was like “this is how Bruce feels in comics; putting all his goodness and faith in the Joker and still watch him fall''#and fucking christ i feel gutted like a good ol' wild salmon#but anyway yeah; i feel so insanely betrayed holy fucks. Telltale could understand Selina as a complex faulty villainy character#but god forbid if we try to humanise Joker.#anyway i have decided that i do not percieve Telltale Batman 😌🌸 i am at peace i do not see it Telltale Batman will be long gone#and only i will remain. (i'm keeping the batcat and the Alfred&Bruce relationship though; might replay to get the full batcat experience)#but also; IMAN AVESTA THE TRUEST MVP LMAOOO#i will have fellas know that Iman means faith in persian;#combined with her last name she's the original node to Zoroastrianism in The Eneny Within#long before Riddler's obsession with “speak no evil see no evil hear no evil'' comes to the surface#it was such surreal experience; watching her switch into persian halfway in on the call with her mother ❤️#i was like :O !!!!!!#and anyway: everything the supposed better written Villain route did Gotham fox season 5 episode 7 ''Ace Chemicals'' did better#and i'm not taking criticism 😌🌸 at least in Gotham the characters are allowed to scream and cry#Farimah talks Batman: Telltale#batman telltale critical#batman meta
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want to get back into warframe after seeing jade. however, am too intimidated to get back into warframe because i feel like I've fallen behind too much to catch up with everything especially since they're taking difficulty more seriously now... eugh :( *violently throws up out of anxiety*
#hate fomo hate fomo hate fomo#i think it's because i was already struggling to keep up when i WAS playing#so now that i have to climb another step when im already behind is gut wrenching#i know that a part of it is that good gear is locked behind difficulty and grind but i really just don't have time to commit to that anymore#idk. ik im catastrophising... i hope that jade's update isnt difficulty locked#i think that's also why i didnt rly care for dante's update. he's out of reach so why bother#im glad warframe's committing to setting up proper endgame/actually difficult content now but personally#the gameplay loop/effort required doesnt make the rewards worth it ahdksnfjsbfke#and i hate the feeling of getting carried and being gifted stuff bc of my tremendous bad luck and ik that's a bad ungrateful mentality#but ugh!!!!!!!!!! :(((((((((((((#not tagging this as wf because it's too negative sowwy
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.
#tag talk#I feel so fucking great today. ironically I'm having trouble getting anything done because I keep just lying down to sigh contentedly#idk. I just feel so genuinely happy.#maybe it has something to do with the smell bout of random depression disappearing at least for now. no longer shitting out my guts either#and also I get to see the cute girl who also likes me back today so that's super pogchamp.#ugh do y'all have any idea how absolutely down bad I am for her??? like. seriously.#I know this won't be a long term thing but damn if I'm not gonna appreciate it for the two years I'm still living in this city.#like. I knew things would get better eventually. I was seventeen and telling myself things would one day be better#sure it's taken eight years but like... fuckin hell I'm self actualizing for real now.#mood stabilizers. adhd meds. hrt. I'm finally able to address the problems I've been battling my whole life.#and moving out from my parents has given me the freedom to figure shit out apart from the situation that's been fucking me up all my life#I just. fucking hell this is so nice.#YOOO I HAVE JIGGLY CALF MUSCLES AGAIN HELL YEAH#I've been a little wasted away for the past year but I've started working out again since since got adhd meds and damn#I don't like being so awfully skinny so it's nice to have curves and slight jiggles on my body again#calf muscles my beloved#I'm learning to love my arm muscles but I've always loved my leg muscles. partially I think cause leg muscles are associated with feminine#whereas arm muscles are culturally seen as masculine. so that kind of got embedded in my brain growing up. but I'm learning to love both#I also just love my body working like it's supposed to. the joy of a well oiled machine doing what it should.#ofc it's not always consistent. but it's nice when it's working as it should#also I bought a wireless charger for my phone since the charging port got even more fucked up and now barely works at all#so honestly that lifted a pretty big stressor off my mind since phone dying is a huge problem and a new phone is expensive#so I'm feeling more carefree with that at least temporarily fixed. won't have to worry about my phone again for prolly at least another year
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August… time to get spooky.
#dadbots.txt#this has been in my draft for... almost a month. Yikes.#I’ve been dissociating hella hard these past months or something. swear I don’t remember time moving this fast. maybe it’s just me tbh.#idk what to say about July other than… boring? not much happened and I don’t really remember it if I’m honest. just. mm. shrugs.#best way to describe it LOL#been sleeping a LOT lately and I think it’s fatigue again. was it like anything before? no. not at that rate (yet) but just.#where you wanna sleep and sleep and sleep type of fatigue. you never feel rested and just gotta sleep it off kinda.#just one of those moments yknow.#it sucks. all I’m doing is letting the days pass me by and ‘missing out’ on living life when I could be enjoying it. but I lost interest -#- in doing so for months - years now due to personal health matters. And whaddya know - it came back again. after months of healing.#I'm pretty pissed as it does feel like a slap in the face. but you win some - you lose some. Gonna try and fight through it.#I wrote something at the beginning of august but that got deleted. Had a breakdown and thought huh. what a great way to start the month -#and now it's almost september. Just like that. What a month it's been. Stuck on what else to say but that really.#don't want to keep talking about depressing stuff as that's what i used to do and realized hey. maybe you should stop doing that so often#and not use it so casually in humor and/or stuff. Even though I reblog vents here n' all. but yknow.#maybe it is hypocritical. but that's not the point. Just want to reflect and see if i've changed since coming back to the web after a year.#not like it's going bad. just wished this year was a bit more optimistic. Last year was rough & i'm afraid this year will be another repeat#though I did come out to a family member this month and that was like a punch to the gut. Considering my status with them and all.#won't get into that. for now let's just say i'm not too close with them. An impulsive choice on my end but hey. it went well.#and that's what matters tbh. My younger self would've thought i was actually insane. like to even DO that? really?#shocking. I'm still not over that moment. Probably one of my biggest achievements this year.#I'll update this if anything else comes to mind. none of this make sense and that's ok. clearing my mind right now.#let's see what september has in store for me. Hopefully it'll get better as things slow down w/ winter on its way.#hope y'all enjoyed your summer. 🖤🤘🏽
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#Magni... Vesper... :((((#Those are the only two holostars i watched with any regularity. ive been worried about what this extended hiatus could mean#it turns out to be the worst possible outcome... both of them? at the same time? miserable. desolate.#it's not quite as gut wrenching as Mysta's graduation just because we knew SOMETHING was wrong but still#so so sad about this. those were my guys. we aren't even getting a graduation stream :'(#more then anything it's like... disheartening.#it feels like we just set out on this big beautiful holostars adventure#only for half of our first gen to suddenly leave.#right after they got model updates to >_> weh.#i feel really bad for Pako san... it just keeps happening#they're so supportive towards their vtubers kids and their kids genmates. you can really tell they love the scene and want to be part of it#*sighs* it is what it is.#guess I have to get into Vanguard if i want that holostars energy in my life. Bettel seems funny i'll check him out#i feel silly that so many of my ''personal'' posts are just... about vtubers but its MY blog i get to chose the posts#this IS a fandom blog firstly and foremostly so i'm afraid that's just how it has to be#snow blogging
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what if I just screamed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and cried!!!!!!!!
#local girl forced to deal with everything on its own due to incompetency of parents 5 dead 24 injured.#I’m all of the ppl who were harmed. i am. i just wish I could ask someone about things and get a good answer#that didn’t make me feel like. well. you know. but yeah.#and then INVITING THEMSELVES UP FOR MY BIRTHDAY.#like. yeah I don’t have plans and I won’t have friends up there yet but also. maybe ask me first instead of just deciding 😔#but also I might not even be able to do any of that bc ! none of this might happen!#bad things just keep happening and it keeps making me just. want to quit the whole process and stay here and give up#but I already bought the car so now I have to commit and just. yeah. yeah. i wanna scream#i am trying to vent less on the internet but also there is nowhere else to put this!!!!! i don’t have ppl to vent to so now this is my diary#but yeah. I’m just. going crazy. i know I should be doing my own research but also god would it kill you to even try.#like literally no effort has ever been made to help me it’s just an afterthought of like oh have you thought about x when I thought abt x#like weeks ago. and it’s always been this way. or me going yes I’ve thought abt x and them going oh good and then not offering any more help#i would just like to be given proper guidance once in my life. just once.#that didn’t feel like ripping my heart and all my guts out of my body. like just once in my life yk is it too much to ask for#but no I’m the only one with any fucking vision around here and I hate it so much#whatever. it’s fine. I’ll suffer through another day tomorrow. its fucking fine.
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doing that fun depression thing where everything makes me cry like crazy
#school work and notifications on my phone esp#i get a spam e-mail from costar and start bawling bc of overwhelming it is#tescting back too i get a message and start shaking#oh and i need to cut my body in half bc theres sm of it and i hate it#and i want to kill myself so bad but idk how#and its so embarrasing to have to go to therapy after youve been talking abt suicide#bc apparently i dont have the guts to do it and it just makes it worse it just makes me feel so ashamed#and i can feel my body bulging and growing and it makes me sick#and i keep feeling like such an idiot im so fucking stupid and so tired of it#i just hope a car hits me soon#ive been forgetting to look around before crossing the road so idk hopefully this might happen#and i wish i had the guts to cancel therapy its just wasting money at this point
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highlights from my notes app. 30/79 and i couldn’t even finish the last chapter
⋆.˚⟡ ࣪ ˖ AKAASHI KEIJI
undone ⋆.˚⟡ ࣪ ˖
she would do anything for her best friend. including, but not limited to, pretending to be his girlfriend, so he can get the attention of the girl of his dreams, as much as it hurts
PAIRING: akaashi x fem reader
STATUS: complete
TAGS/WARNING: unrequited love, fake dating, angst, pining, friends to lovers, university au, language, alcohol use, warnings may change
MDNI: will contain adult content (marked in chapter)
TAGLIST: complete this form to be added
PREVIEW: real
CHAPTER ONE: evidence
CHAPTER TWO: complications
CHAPTER THREE: close
CHAPTER FOUR: truths
CHAPTER FIVE: plans
CHAPTER SIX: act
-> SEQUEL
#reading this bc p*riod cramps are keeping me up and i want to die. surely this wont go badly#He captioned it: My pretty girl” kms#iwaizumi: i’m sorry to text you so much. i’m just bad at stopping myself” kms#I’m obsessed with you.” ow#she wants to believe her and everything she says.” there are so many pains in my body this might be the first unique experience i’ve had.#i think i’m getting a stomach ulcer /srs#She is sorry. She feels sorry for him.” ok the best analogy i can think of is in lying on a bed of knives and every line is just a little#bit of pressure that pushes me deeper into the knives so it’s not this overwhelming unbearable pain it’s just slow and uncomfortable and i#want it to stop but it’s beyond my control now also i feel blood dripping down my back#Yeah but I give a shit about you” a tall tall wall looms in front of me#after weeks of nonstop contact won’t answer her texts.” what if i ripped my stomach out#No” Akaashi says. “Can I kiss you?” i think i’m being cooked like a rotisserie chicken#ok ok this actually might be too much for me i’m going to be so sick please#let me paint the picture. it’s 5:40 am. i’ve been up since 3 battling the worst cramps i’ve had all year. been stuck in my head abt my own#irl crush dilemma. this fic is abt akaashi keiji. who i have never been normal about. so i obviously have invested feelings#. i feel like this is what being cheated on feels like. this is a genuine attack on my person and my well being i am being cheated on in#my whole interior feels like tar#my heart feels like how you feel when you start to drown like that sense of bubbling over and the loss of breath and irrational brain feels#god now i’m openly reading this like it’s me and something tells me that this in this moment is going to be the worst decision of my life#i’m pretty sure i took my antidepressants. here’s hoping#i let out a sound that was a bit like a strangled wail and i tried to be quiet i tried so hard but i woke roommate up#she hasn’t fallen back asleep since then it’s been an hour#i think this is grief. like i’m feeling real unmitigated grief.#internally i am wailing at the top of my lungs i need to scream i need to sob i need to have some kind of catharsis before my body implodes#Is she still watching?” kill YOURself#i just wished death on akaashi keiji what has the world become. maybe i’m having a lucid nightmare and this isn’t a real fic#and surely it’s a happy ending right i said in delusion#my period cramps are nothing compared to whatever concoction of gross painful awful gut wrenching pain sobs anguish peril grief you’ve done#this is like when i read in another life for the first time but a hundred times worse#That some sick small part of her still wishes it was Akaashi instead.” ok
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setting up a linkedin for job searching and connecting with my high school friends and seeing them married and in good paying jobs really hits home just how many years ive lost to mental illness and physical disability
#all of 2016-2020#then i managed to get therapy and meds and diagnosed and i was on track for uni and graduate last year and get a job and then#new government guts and destroys the specific govt sector i was planning on working in (media)#and my health takes a bad turn in may leaving me in constant pain only for both of those to contribute to my contract being cancelled#and now im stuck at home. trying to keep busy by keeping my parents house clean and helping with the move#participating in hobbies and reading and losing the weight ive gained these last 2 years#and i feel so guilty because the healthcare i need isnt cheap. its been thousands of dollars already. before i was contributing my paychec#now im scrabbling to find jobs when the whole city is in a decline. shops and cafes/restaurants are shutting for good#govt agencies from health to education are cutting hundreds of employees each and theyve all undergone job freezes#i dont have the money to go back to studying and refocus on a career path that will work out#the media jobs and policy jobs arent here. everyones being forced to stop working from home as of this week by announcement of the pm#if i want to be hired in my field i have to move to another country. and i dont have the money for that. im stuck in bed#every day for a third/half of that day waiting for my codeine to kick in#perpetually exhausted because whatever's happening to me is giving me constant fatigue#im just so tired.
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man i wont get over that shit easily
#how to get over a piece of shit of a man#i fucking hate him#and im so ashamed that I keep thinking of him#and that I keep missing him#I blocked him back in january#because he used me to get back at his ex#he tried to make me unblock him twice#it didn't work (I was strong here)#we just came across each other and I made the first move of course#i hoped for a split second that he was single#i mean#that would have explained why he wanted me to unblock him#but my disappointment to learn he only wanted to make his ex (now boyfriend) jealous :)#(yes hes bisexual)#(and this doesn't make him a good man)#(ON THE OPPOSITE.)#btw his boyfriend hates me#hes the most misogynistic piece of garbage ive ever met no wonder he was in the closet for so long#this is embarrassing because I hold on to our good memories so bad#and i genuinely never expected him to treat me this way#like I think he was the only one who never made me feel like an object#and so using me to make his BOYfriend jealous??#gut-wrenching.#but what did I expect!#he doesn't own me an explanation#we were never together#but it was never platonic either lmfao#well... with the things we did/said ... clearly we weren't friends BUT lets not think about that before I start crying#anywayyyy#if you read this well I hope this wasn't too confusing
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