#i am trying to vent less on the internet but also there is nowhere else to put this!!!!! i don’t have ppl to vent to so now this is my diary

[taketheringtolohac]

what if I just screamed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and cried!!!!!!!!

[stupid-stew]

two vent fics in as many days? me? nooooo.

the answer is actually yes. i am in crisis all of the time. here take a gender one because why the heck not it's 4:30 am and i have nothing to lose. luz, toady you are me. there is also a little bit of parent eda because what do you take me for? a fool? (Pronouns? AO3 link if that floats ur boat)

Luz Noceda had a lot of problems.

Sure, she was stuck in a hell dimension with no way home in sight, where her best chance of surviving was reliant on her having magic, of which she had none, and was separated from her mom, and was currently blaming herself for her surrogate mom having lost her magic, but that wasn’t the point right now.

Right now, Luz was focused on herself. That’s usually how these nights ended up, with her so lost in thought that she circled back to the root of the problem, she didn’t know who she was.

That wasn’t entirely true, she was Luz Noceda, average teen, lover of Azura, daughter of Camila, professional witch in training, student at Hexside School of Magic and Demonics, foe to an unlucky few, friend to most, the girl who had managed to outsmart the emperor and get herself stuck so far from home she might as well just give up now. Luz knew what she was, she was what other people knew her for, but who was she? Anyone’s guess, suggestions much appreciated.

She had grown up in an environment that exposed her to many different people, the internet. Yeah, maybe she had seen a lot of stuff way before she should have, but she also had the whole world at her fingertips, many types of people and experiences just on the other side of her screen, and it had led to some amazing things. Her mom had also been a big help, allowing Luz to question and experiment any which way she pleased, as long as she was happy and safe. That had helped Luz figure out who she liked, she was comfortable telling her mom she liked girls confidently at the ripe age of 10, Camila had of course been nothing but accepting.

That was easy enough, right? She knew exactly what she was, who she liked, hell she could figure out most people just by looking at them, so why couldn’t she figure out herself?

And that was where Luz was at, laying on the floor in her makeshift bedroom in the owl house, once again wondering what in the hell was a gender.

Luz was no stranger to this internal battle, it sort of came with the whole territory of figuring out your sexuality, but for the life of her she didn’t even know where to start.

Ok, she thought to herself, let’s start from the top. I don’t know where the top is. What is the easiest way to go about this. Most people start with pronouns, maybe that’s a good place to start? Luz let out a groan, this was going nowhere. Back on track. she/her. Simple enough, good solid pronouns. That’s what most people have called me forever. I'm comfortable with it, other people are comfortable with it, no, what other people think doesn’t matter, this is about me. Focus, Luz. Ok, she/her, fine. Though not always, doesn’t always feel right, how can words feel right or wrong that doesn’t even make sense. Whatever, most of the time she/her equals a girl.

Luz shivered at that, girl, the word had never felt right to her, something about it was gross in her mind. She had always hated being referred to as girl or daughter, but never had the guts to speak up about it in the moment. Luz chuckled to herself, and look where we are now. she/her moved to the maybe pile for now.

Next on the list was he/him. Luz smiled at that. Being a somewhat androgynous child for most of her life with short hair, being called her mother’s son at the grocery store was a fairly common occurrence. She recalled one time she was out with a couple of friends and some sweet old lady had said to them “you ladies have a nice day.” and then looked at Luz and added “oh, my bad, and gentleman.” Luz had to leave the store at that, her friends had assumed she was upset that the lady had called her a gentleman, but that wasn’t the case. She was more upset about having been singled out than anything, in fact she hadn’t at all minded being called a gentleman. It didn’t feel completely right, but it didn’t feel completely wrong either.

Ok, so pronouns, this is Luz, he is my apprentice. Eh, feels about the same as she. That’s so lame I was hoping there would be some sort of difference. The only discomfort is that i’m used to she, god my head hurts just thinking about this. Luz rolled over to her other side and covered her head with her sleeping bag. How can I feel literally the same about the two, I haven’t even left the binary, there’s only two options, one should be right, the other should be wrong. This is the same idea as answering an either or question and both options are the same but both are neither right nor wrong. It doesn’t even make sense. If the binary isn’t going to give me my answers then I need to step it up.

They/Them was dangerous territory for Luz and she knew it. This wasn’t her first time around the block, she knew that she loved they/them pronouns for herself. “This is Luz, they’re my apprentice.” God it just felt so right. She could never figure out why, much less bring herself to even try, which was probably how she kept landing herself in this situation. Laying up at night, staring at the ceiling, running pronouns, of all things, through her head over and over. It probably would have been easier if she had someone to tell her how gender was supposed to feel. What it was supposed to identify, what it was supposed to offer for her identity, but alas. It had been easier with her sexuality, she knew from the moment someone had told her that liking girls was even an option that was who she was. She was confident in that, it was simple enough. So why was this still so hard?

Luz took her head out from under her sleeping bag and rubbed the heel of her palms over her eyes. I know I like they/them pronouns, they’re my favorite, they feel so correct, huh go figure I finally got my answer, words can feel right. Still not sure how… anyways, what the hell do I do about it? Ask people to just change the way they refer to me? That’s absurd. Luz knew it wasn’t absurd. Not in the slightest. She knew she had done it for plenty of people before, people she had known for years. It wasn’t hard, it was actually pretty easy and she was glad to switch around how she referred to them no matter how many times they asked. So why can’t I just do the same. Most people see me as a boy or a girl, it’s fine, it’s ok, well at the very least I can deal with it. What are they supposed to do? Just not?

Luz sprawled out on her back and shut her eyes as tight as she could. She knew she had met plenty of people who were non binary, and somehow she had been able to erase the idea of them being either a boy or a girl out of her head almost completely. It’s just how it had worked, was it because she didn’t really see herself in that way either? Maybe I’m just making it up. Maybe it’s all in my head and I’m stopping myself from causing a lot of problems, what if I’m wrong, what if I make a mistake and have to ask people to change around again? I barely figured out what pronouns I prefer, ok well I’ve known for a while, but I still don’t have a label. Non binary? Maybe? I wish I knew what gender was supposed to feel like. She placed her hands behind her head and sighed. If you asked me what gender felt like to me I either wouldn’t have an answer and would start crying or would just scream shrilly at you for a few minutes. Pronouns don’t equal gender but what are either of those. If I use they/them pronouns do I have to identify as non binary? I don’t even like labeling my sexuality and I know what that is. God, I haven’t even scratched the surface of how I present mysel-

Her thoughts were muted by a knock at her door.

“Luz I know you’re awake.”

It was Eda, of course it was. Who else would be awake at this hour and hear her singular sigh from the hallway?

Luz pushed herself up from off the ground and slowly opened the door.

“Can’t sleep?” Eda asked.

Luz just shook her head. She didn’t have the energy for words at the moment.

Eda sighed and stretched out her arm to reach behind her head and pull out a clock from her hair. “Me neither, looks like it’s too late for either of us to be awake. Want some tea?”

Luz nodded and followed Eda down the creaky stairs and to the kitchen. Eda immediately found a kettle and started filling it with water to boil while Luz took a seat at the counter. They sat with just the sound of the running tap for a few uncomfortable seconds before Eda asked the question Luz had been dreading.

“What’s keeping you up?”

Shoot. Can I talk to her about this? It’s Eda, she doesn’t care, does she? Nobody here seems to mind anything, cool non binary witches. That’s so rad. I don’t want to bother her, what if she doesn’t understand, so I have the energy to explain? How would I even go about dropping this if it goes south?

“Hellooooo? Isles to Luz?”

She was snapped out of her thoughts by Eda waving her hands in her face, she looked… worried? Oh, I haven’t answered her question.

“Hm? Oh, it’s nothing.”

Eda didn’t believe her for a minute.

“It doesn’t seem like nothing.”

Luz just sort of turned her head away and shrugged. Eda knew she couldn’t pry it out of the kid. Instead, she just decided to finish making the tea. The two of them sat in silence while the tea bags steeped, which gave Luz a moment back to herself to question her next move.

Eda handed Luz the steaming mug. “You can talk about it if you want. I’ll listen.”

“I don’t know how to do this.”

Eda grinned. They were getting somewhere, whatever was keeping the kid awake this late at night was reaching the surface.

“Just go for it, what’s the worst that could happen?”

Sooo many things Eda.

Luz decided to just start out simple. “Do you know what pronouns are?”

Eda nodded. Ok, good.

“Ok, what are your pronouns?”

Eda was taken aback by this a little, nobody had asked her that in years. What was the kid dealing with? “Well, I use she/her pronouns, but I’ve never really felt attached to any of them, so whatever works just works I guess. Same for King, I don’t really think he cares much as long as you’re referring to him as royalty.” Eda snorted with laughter.

Luz was kind of in shock. Does she feel the same way I do? How did she pick? “How did you know?” the words just kind of fell out of her mouth in a mess.

“Know what?”

Eda looked at her with confusion.

“What pronouns you use?”

“I don’t know, here nobody really cared that much, why should I?”

Then Eda remembered.

“Ooooh yeah you humans use them for that whole gender identity thing. We kind of have that here but it’s not as big of a deal, you guys have all those labels, yeah?”

Luz swallowed deeply and nodded.

“Is that what’s keeping you up?”

Another nod.

“Do you wanna talk at me? I know you do better with your words than your mind, I can do the dishes while you talk if you don’t want my focus.”

Luz was now completely dumbfounded. In the last two minutes, Eda had told her that not only was gender a human thing, but that she was willing to let Luz process it the way that she needed, how had she known? Wait…. Just how similar are Eda and I? Luz couldn’t help but wonder.

Luz nodded and Eda got up without a word and headed straight for the sink.

“I don’t know. Back in the human world, people have a lot of words that they use to describe their genders. I don’t understand any of them, I know their definitions, but I don’t know how to relate to them.”

Luz paused and Eda gave her a gentle hum of interest as a signal to continue.

“They’ve just never made sense to me, I don’t know why and I don’t know how but it’s incredibly frustrating. I gave up on trying to get it and moved on to the things that I do get, which is limited to pronouns. You’ve got the binary pronouns like she and he, usually those fit the words girl and boy, not always, sometimes people use more than one set of pronouns, but the thing is I can’t pick. They feel the exact same to me. There are other ones, the most common being they/them, and I really like those, Eda I really really like them.”

Eda smiled at her, glad to see Luz’s face lighting up.

“But I don’t know. I don’t know if I should use one set, multiple. It’s really bothering that so many people back home understand, they just seem so sure of themselves, they know who they are, they know that they’re a boy or a girl or neither or even both, there’s even more genders to be a combination of, but I can’t. I think there has to be something wrong with me because I know it shouldn’t be this hard but it is, it’s always on my mind, and I can’t stop it or make it make sense. I haven’t even begun to entertain the idea of asking people to change the pronouns they use for me because I can’t tell myself what label even goes with what, and I feel stupid.”

Eda stopped what she was doing.

“You aren’t stupd Luz.”

“How can you say that when I don’t even know who I am, I can’t even figure out what words I want people to use when they refer to me.” Luz sounded exhausted.

Eda turned around and looked her in the face, dead serious. “You aren’t stupid, you just don’t know who you are,” she dried her hands on a towel and sat down across from Luz. “and that’s ok. I know it’s maddening not knowing, but you’re allowed to feel that way, if you don’t have all the answers, what’s gonna happen? Are you gonna die?”

Luz rolled her eyes “sometimes it really does feel like it.”

Eda stood up. “Well we can’t have that, no dead apprentices. You seem to have been thinking about this for a long time, you just need a little bit of a push. Pick some new pronouns.”

Luz stared at her, “what?”

“You can’t figure out how the feeling works, or if there even is one, that’s ok. But, you know that there are some words that fit better than others. You might not be able to tell me why, but you know what they are. What are they?”

Luz didn’t know what to do, she hadn’t prepared herself for this. She was ready for Eda not knowing what was going on, not this. She’s right, time to rip off the bandaid.

“I don’t know…”

“Yes you do.”

There really is no getting out of this one.

“I don’t know, I guess they/them feels ok? Better than the others?”

“And so it shall be.” Eda stated matter-of-factly.

Luz shifted uncomfortably in her seat, “but I don’t know, I’m really used to she/her, they don’t fit quite right but they’ve never really felt wrong enough to get rid of completely.”

Eda shrugged, “you don’t have to. You can use both if you want.”

Luz wasn’t sure, she knew Eda was right, but she couldn’t help but recall the time someone had told her that adding they/them to your pronouns was performative and accomplished nothing. Screw them.

“Ok.” It was simple, but it’s all she had.

“Anything else I should know?”

Luz took a deep breath, she was in this far, might as well keep it up.

“It really bothers me when I get referred to as a girl, I know that I don’t know what labels go where, but I know that one is wrong.”

“Good to know.”

This was going way better than Luz expected, but now all her thoughts were out and she had a little bit of a resolution, she was finally starting to feel how late it was. She yawned, “I think I’m done for the night.”

Eda put on a mock offended look, “But you didn’t even touch your tea? I worked so hard on that for you!”

Luz gave her a weak smile. “It was never about the tea, was it, you just wanted me to talk.”

Eda reached out and ruffled Luz’s hair, “It worked, huh?”

“Yeah I guess it did.”

“Good.”

They emptied their cups into the now pristine sink and went back up the stairs.

“Thanks Eda.”

“Don’t mention it.”

[coplins]

(1/3) Thanks for responding. I totally see the queerbaiting/kill your gays criticism - it's clear from Misha's comments after the fact that he really thought he was doing something supportive and didn't get how it was the opposite. I wasn't upset with ignoring Eileen because that whole plot was so badly written, and I didn't mind blurry wife because that was a story they'd never have time to tell, so leaving it to be your choice of wife/co-parent (Jared's words) worked for me.

(2/3) I don't see Dean's lack of reciprocation as a problem because Jensen and the showrunners have continuously said that is not their intent in writing/acting that character, so anything folks read into it is subtext. Again, Misha thought it would be better rep than it was. It was a bad call. John isn't canonically a child abuser, just a lousy parent. Both Dean and Sam have done so many crappy things as well that honestly, they shouldn't be there by that metric either. 3/4) But I don't think the finale (awkwardly written as it was) cancels out their character development at all. They are different people - back at the starting point, but not the men they were when they started. Dean is emotionally open; he's dropped acting tough and can talk about his emotions. He can be alone and be okay. Sam is no longer afraid of his blood or turning into John; he can be a good dad. I wish we'd seen Jack and Cas, or heard them at least wish them well, even just a prayer. (4/4) But even though that was crappy to leave out, I don't think it negates the show or the characters. 19 added Cas and Jack's names to the table, and I can be happy with that as the final episode. I was prepared to pretend it didn't exist before it even aired. I AM really glad you're anti-harassment. The shit that even folks like Kripke have been getting on their pages has made me so sad. Dabb posted something about baboons and folks even thought it was about them, not his new show! (Also, sorry to dump like a huge text thing in your inbox. It's totally fine that we disagree on things. I've just seen so many crazy things like people blaming Jared and saying the episode was an ad for Walker and to boycott Walker - a ton of Jared hate in general, really. Or saying Jensen "Destiel Isn't Real" Ackles is secretly a heller who's been viciously silenced by the powers that be for years. And now Misha's getting dogpiled for trying to interact and understand how he fucked up.)

It's fine, Nonnie. :)

Okay, so, just to make one thing clear. If you enjoyed the finale, then I think it's great. For everyone who didn't get their joy sucked out of them, that's awesome! I got to see the Wincest side of my Tumblr dash go apeshit from happiness and I'm happy for them. I've since had to unfollow some of those blogs when they turned bitter and hateful towards those of us who didn't like the ending. I curate my Tumblr (internet in general) experience to avoid seeing hate thrown at ships, actors, characters, fans, or people in general. I unfollow people if they post too much toxic stuff no matter if they're Destiel shippers, angel fans, or whatever part of fandom they're in.

I try not to reblog too much angry/bitter crap either. There are a lot of posts on my dash that I wholeheartedly agree with but don't belong on my blog. And I've written my share of wank and rants over the years but seldom hit post because I don't want to ruin someone else's positivity. When I do hit post I tag it "spn wank" so it can be avoided. If I need to angry-rant I do so in chat. Sometimes I mess up. There are undoubtedly some less than nice posts in the Buckleming wank category on my blog.

Generally speaking, my M.O. is disengaging and/or vote with my wallet. I will never condone cyberbullying. No matter how famous the person, or how nasty they are, harassment isn't okay. Actions have consequences and I try to think of what they are before I act. If I vent hurtful opinions about an actor, it'll be kept in chat, with someone who understands that particular frustration. (Not related to the current situation.)

When it comes to canon, it doesn't matter what showrunners or actors tell us about how it's meant to be interpreted or how they meant to act it. Canon is what's shown on screen, period. As curious as I am about what the actors have to say about things, it isn't important regarding canon at all. I'll stan my boys no matter what their characters get up to on-screen. <3

Yeah, I've seen the theories and the dogpiling. Luckily, I've avoided seeing the Jared hate but I knew it would be there because the internet is a cesspool of people lashing out aimlessly or misdirecting their anger. Even IF they wrote the finale in a way that they thought would put a spotlight on Jared's upcoming series, HE was nowhere near a position of power to make that decision and should be left out of it. I just figured, if it was true that that's what they thought, then the Wincest bunch was their target audience for the new show. *shrug*

Interesting to hear your take on the finale. If I follow people who have your take, they're not vocal about it, or I'm simply missing it because I don't stalk Tumblr. All it takes for me to stop scrolling and go back to my writing is 3 unknown anime posts in a row or one reader-insert fic and I'm nope-ing the hell out of here. X)

I'm not going to argue against any of your points. It's great that you saw it that way. Fuck, I wish I did too.

I kinda feel like I need to address the child abuse comment I made, though. Some separate neglect and abuse like those aren't the same, some only count physical abuse, others include verbal abuse. Too many of my loved ones (both close friends and family) have experienced all three of those categories and the one who was left alone to care for her little sister as a child, definitely has a lot of mental scarring from it, so I'm counting neglect as abuse. That said, I fucking love John Winchester. So it might be Jeffrey Dean Morgan's charisma, so sue me. But John canonically neglected the hell out of his sons. We got proof of that even in this season when John drops his son off for days in a town where kids have gone missing recently. So, yeah... But, on the other hand, of course both he and Mary should end up in Heaven. Like, that wasn't even a question.

I think my strong reaction against it was how every part of the found family the Winchesters had gathered over the years was erased from the narrative as soon as Dean died. The only one who is shown as important is Bobby, a found-family member that initially was connected with John, not someone the brothers had found and connected with on their own. Bobby is also the only non-Winchester in the photos Sam has over his bed when he's dying. I don't know, man, "Everyone's here," simply doesn't do it for me.

"Family ends with blood" like the finale implied, only works if the greatest monsters in life haven't been family members, and my best friends (twins) growing up, just like my mother, were abused, mentally, physically, and sexually, by parents. I've seen the aftermath of those hellfires, how long it takes to assemble the fractures of your being and become, if not whole, at least functional and happy. For them, it was the friends they made along the way, those who loved them when they couldn't, who really mattered.

And that was one thing I really loved about SPN (and still do). Team Free Will. Wayward Sisters. All the people that they met along the way and connected with. I've loved to see Sam and Dean develop their bond by taking it from unhealthy, destructive co-dependency to step by step with several setbacks become their own individuals with lives outside of each other, yet still having the strong bond full of brotherly feels where the love they had for each other was rooted in respect for each other's differences and not who they "were supposed to be for each other". And unlike you, I can't see anything but regression in how the finale played out.

Okay, I gotta stop talking now. ^^ I have one scene my betas told me I need to rewrite in my next chapter, and another chapter half done, and I'm itching to post so I need to get on with it.

I hope I didn't put too much of a dampener on your enjoyment of the finale. My opinions don't matter. We all come from different life experiences and therefore find different things compelling and important. I don't begrudge anyone their happiness. <3

*Hugs*

[mirceakitsune]

Aryion (Eka's Portal) is now purging users over COVID discussion

Some important clarification before we begin: I wanted this journal to be less of a mad rant and more of a much needed discussion, thus I'll be more calm and rational unlike my previous rants. I wasn't sure if I was going to talk about this but I felt I needed to, both to get it off my chest and to try sparking some debate over what the hell is going on on this planet. Please read and share this one especially if you care for freedom to speak. My goal isn't to point fingers at the website over how I was treated, but to raise awareness and address what's happening online and offline alike. I'll try to be balanced and describe what happened accurately, though of course this represents my own perspective.

Two days ago I was shocked by a completely unexpected decision by the admin of Eka's Portal to permanently ban me from the platform, after over 10 years of being an active user who never even dreamed of starting trouble there. It followed a blog I posted in the night of Joe Biden's inauguration. The reason for my ban wasn't any of the harsh things I said about that, despite my journal being a rather heated rant on society and politics: It came from one obscure sentence in the middle of the post, in which my only crime was to use the term "imaginary deadly pandemic". If anyone finds this surprising you read correctly: It was confirmed to be the cause, I was not informed of any other reason except for that particular sentence. To the satisfaction of those who see me as a heretic, I've been depressed baffled and even more deep in thought after this happened out of nowhere: It's a community I cared a lot about, followed art and spoke with friends on, and there are both artists I watched there and friends I spoke to who I may not be able to find elsewhere. Despite explaining this as well as what I'll say below to the admin, I'm still seen as someone who committed a capital crime by using those words; I won't reveal exact details from a private discussion without permission, but will say I felt addressed as someone who just committed a murder for which I'm irredeemable and deserve to be hung at the gallows.

Before I proceed let's clarify some things. First of all I don't deny that COVID exists in some form and there is some kind of pandemic going on; I didn't use the term "imaginary pandemic" but rather "imaginary DEADLY pandemic" as my intent was to address the apocalyptic hysteria surrounding this flu. I think anyone, especially among those who have doubts about what's happening, could easily find themselves using such a choice of words... I understand they weren't accurate and ideal, but they were no obscene crime that should terrify anyone in such a way nor warrant such an extreme reaction. I also shouldn't need to explain that a vent journal is something you write in a moment of distress to calm down: It's not a moment when people use the best choice of words and will carefully read everything they say before they say it, which to my knowledge isn't considered a crime and is something people generally do. Needless to say that sentence was in no way intended to tell people to do anything: In no form did I suggest anyone to not wear a mask, even to not get that vaccine despite having huge concerns about it and expressing them indirectly. The actual discussion was about the way COVID was added on top of racial justice as a means of dividing people between good and bad while controlling them through fear. Despite this I was accused of "spreading misinformation", a term that's recently become popular and is used to shut down people who have different opinions from the mainstream. I pledged that if I were unbanned, I would cease all social and political discussion on the site, to prevent any risk of such a thing happening again... despite even this I'm still considered someone who's sole purpose was to spread disinformation, despite such discussion taking place in secondary journals while my main reason for being there was community related stuff.

This event was a self fulfilling prophecy, which exemplified exactly the things I've been ranting about like a madman for the past months, which many surely thought I was exaggerating with: The rise of radicalism fueled by fear... which first started with things like racial justice or child safety, and is now doubled down by this pandemic story. Whether or not COVID-19 really is a public health crisis in secondary plane, what it is first and foremost is a social and political crisis! A rift is growing even faster dividing people between two categories: The chad mainstreamist who follows the science and is politically correct and a responsible citizen, versus the virgin conspiracist who thinks people in powerful positions aren't always right and is a fascist for disagreeing with what the mainstream declared is truth or justice. The first category has every social right that's still available to the general population, while the second needs to be "socially exterminated" because their beliefs make them a danger to others; You no longer matter as a person, the only thing that matters is if you're on our side or not! This is what's now being implemented by those who not long ago preached tolerance and being decent toward others no matter their beliefs.

COVID brought an existing freedom of speech crisis to a new level: We're at the stage where addressing a flu by the wrong pronouns can get you removed from a community you've been with for a third of your life. And I know what many will say: A private entity censoring you isn't the same thing as the government doing it. Which I fully agree with, government regulation is by far the scariest beast here! However this doesn't mean it's not a problem at all... it's a very big problem as many of us are recently learning: Literally anything you say, no matter how random or seemingly insignificant, puts you at great risk... to the point where it's practically unsafe to have any social conversation in any community you care about unless you're carefully going to say what everyone likes to hear. This is absolutely unhealthy, we live in a sick world and barely anyone even notices it... one that has NOTHING to do with the way I imagined modern society even 5 years ago let alone as I grew up. It's an unimaginable regression back into 1930's - 1960's era strictness: This is no free world, it's an "everyone in line" type of strict that mirrors Chinese if not North Korean mentality and social design, this abomination is a parody of hell itself.

I predict no one will escape being affected unless something is done to change course immediately. Certain people seem to think that because they're on the "good side" it's someone else's problem, only those who disagree with them have to suffer which is great from their perspective. Remember that the world is changing: Today the planet freaks out over COVID or racism... eventually those things will go away, and in their place new ones will be added by those who enjoy or need division: Racism will be replaced with some other ism... once people get bored of fearing COVID or everyone becomes immune to it, the medical industry will likely identify the new most aggressive virus in circulation and continue the trend with that... it's possible that entirely new controversies we can't even imagine now will be put in circulation. At some point it's going to be something you too no longer agree with: Once you dare to speak incorrectly of what the world decided, you'll be the next to see what it's like to be this lesser person who everyone treats like a leper that's plaguing others. Will you shut up and pretend to agree with everyone even if you don't, fearing that if you're outed as a "disagreer" you'll be the next to go?

Back to the issue at hand, from a perspective on how the internet works: Many people, including the creator of the practical internet Tim Berners Lee, agree that entities have too much power over individuals. If Google or Facebook or Twitter don't like you, you will be shut down and told to find another platform to migrate to, ignoring the fact that they're in limited supply and all suffer from the same issues often using the same criteria. Fandoms such as furries or vore fans suffer from this too at a smaller scale: If Dragoneer or someone he appointed moderator are having a bad day, good luck finding each of your favorite artists there on another art site... a problem that may be worse on Eka's Portal as it's also a big community but ran more directly by one admin, who in the past I praised but can now see their judgment is unbalanced and bound to harm some users. To me this indicates the internet was poorly designed... which makes some sense since until 5 years ago no one thought the web would need to resist an ideological onslaught that will infiltrate every community and make one half of the world turn against the other. For a long time I've dreamed of building a fully decentralized platform, which could act as both an art gallery and an alternative to Youtube and forums. Unfortunately I don't have the knowledge nor energy to make such a thing, though this experience has me thinking back to that plan... I should leave this one up to a future journal.

I feel like saying more but am unsure what I could possibly say any more. At this point part of me wants to go in full isolation: I expect this sort of thing to keep happening, and until it starts affecting even more people the majority won't realize how bad it's getting. I don't know to what extent I even want to create content any more... for who am I creating it, how worth it is the effort spend on every project, where can I even safely post it any more? I need to keep my Patreon going, but even there I barely make any income, and as of this month I can no longer use the money anyway since Payoneer is being a pest about agreeing to send a new card. I'll be honest: Part of me wants to try and end it again, you can't understand how much... I won't because I know it's wrong, plus I live with my mother who I don't want to put through more hardships. Some of us weren't meant to live on this world, I can tell you all this for a fact. If I had any idea it would be like this I'd have refused to be born on this Earth and experience this life even if it meant fighting the gods themselves! This world is irredeemable, I don't see it ever coming back from the low it's fallen to... if another giant meteor hit it would truly be an act of mercy to all.

[ultfreakme]

Personal rant here about a thing that’s been plaguing me for a while. Idk why but recently I’m sorta kinda suspecting I have some attention problems???? And a lot of posts are popping up EVERYWHERE about ADHD and look, I’m no expert. I’m a psych major but only undergrad and you need to do a lot of shit before getting a proper diagnosis and I mostly suspect I’m just being paranoid or am looking for an excuse BUT I HAVE TO VENT SOMEWHERE. 

I can’t CONCENTRATE on ANYTHING. It’s either 1 minute max on one thing or HOURS(blessed are the times this happen, I call it “The Zone” which I ripped off from KNB). I found myself reading fanfics,scrolling through twitter, scrolling through tumblr, from 9AM- 7PM, just siwtching between this site and that for an entire day and I barely noticed the time passing. Is this an internet addiciton thing??? 

It’s like, at some times, it feels like I’m looking at the world through a hazy a balcony window, a lot of times it’s hazy, clouded and I’m seeing things but I’m not seeing for real. But sometime the fog lifts up and EVERYTHING goes into this zoom 1080p hd shit. 

I cannot ever concentrate on a conversation, or anything for that matter unless I’m doing something else. My online classes are a nightmare I usually have seven other tabs open and am drawing or doing something else. I find I concentrate best when I’m doodling/drawing or listening to something. That’s when the 1080p thing happens. WARNING BTW THERE’S SOME SORTA SELF-HARMING-ISH THING- okay if I’m not shaking my leg or tapping on some random surface, I start pulling at the skin on my toes. It has happened multiple times and it doesn’t usually bleed.....mostly....like 7/10 never bled. ik it’s harming me but I can’t stop if I start. 

Also, cannot read long essays. Well, it’s more like “I finish reading a novel in less than a day” or “eyes glaze over the same page ten times till I give up”. I thought it was because of my level of interest but I’ve glazed over so many fanfictions lol, ones I search for in particular(i’ve been sitting on a tab I opened 3 hours ago....like I want to but I CAN’T WHY???)

Also, just about a few minutes ago, I came onto my tumblr to search for an old post...but about 10 minutes later I’m nowhere near my account, instead I’m in a youtube video looking at lyrics for “we all try” by Frank Ocean(I have not heard a single Frank Ocean song like idek wtf is up). But I can track back, I can always track back. Lmao I start conversations with people and then they’d be like “okay why the fuck are we here??” and I can usually make the connections from how I went from Point A to Point 3845y8748. Which is why I’m not looking into it too much or even taking myself seriously because people who do have ADHD usually say they have no idea how they landed there when distracted. Also ik there’s the attention part, impulsivity and mixed. I’m not impulsive, at all. I’m a cowardly coward who rethinks and overthinks and never does anything ever.  

It got so bad once I had to study for an exam the next day but I only started at 11PM for an exam at 7:30 AM......did not sleep. Is this a sleep deprivation thing? Am I just exhausted???? Or am I lazy??? It could just be general disinterest. I’m not dysfunctional in real life which is why I’m mostly skeptical about all this. I’m a B average student for the most part.

What the fuck is going on??? I wish I could know so i can be FUNCTIONAL.

[darkcrono915-blog]

Family is everything...that stresses us out!

Does anyone feel like they are their worst selves when they “return home” to visit family for holidays or random times?  I wanted to use my vacation time to go to Chicago, or somewhere else but then I had a reality check with my bank account.  I decided to come back home because, free lodging with my mom, and now I remember why I barely ever come home.   I want to be the “good person with family values” but how can you be that person if you’re family is, well....terrible.  Am I a bad person for thinking that?  Am I a good person for trying to push through it and try with my family anyway?  Am I a bad person for being at the point of giving up after over 30 years of crappy experiences and negativity on their behalf?  Am I bad for acknowledging the only reason I keep trying with them is because it’s socially taboo to “give up on your family”?  If you are reading this and feel like it, I welcome the comments from strangers below.  Or if you have similar stories you’d like to share, it really helps relieve the stress to vent and share yourself with all the random people that exist on the internet that weirdly want to read about your business.  Personally, I am writing this post because I don’t feel like there is anyone in my real life that I can share all this with... Do you want to hear the whole story or just what is stressing me out today?  How about a little bit of both. I had an verbally abusive father who cheated on my mom, and stole lots of our family’s money and tried to leave us with nothing.  He was in my life until my early 20′s, and I never liked him.  He treated my mom, my siblings, and I terribly.  I tried to let him back in my life once at 22, and it kind of backfired...so I have no relationship with him now, and life is way better.  A problem people never tell you about: once you cut one terrible family member out of your life, it’s super tempting to do that with all of them. My sister is mentally challenged, but also a lying deceptive scumbag.  It’s honestly hard to tell sometimes if her behavior is being shaped by her mental illness, or her overall bitchiness. As she’s gotten older, her condition has gotten worse.  It’s very sad, because there is nothing that anyone can do to help her or fix her.  She is just destined to...get worse.  It’s really hard on my mom who has gone above and beyond what any other person would do to take care of her, even pushing through the abuse my sister regularly gives her.   My brother is an ass hole, with no disabilities.  He has no excuse for his behavior and who he is, other then just being a jerk.  He has always been a jerk.  He used to be a charming jerk with lots of natural talents and success that made people look at him with respect and awe.  Through aging, circumstance, and honestly a crappy disposition, nowadays he’s a jerk with less charm and appeal who continues to be a Grade A Douche Bag...the only difference is, now the world isn’t shining on him as much.  Sometimes I feel bad for him, sometimes I am glad his life is shitty.

My mom, I have a hard time writing about.  On one hand she has been an incredible influence on my life and has been a huge saving factor for me and my siblings on many times.�� Family is everything to her, except she’s been dealt a really crappy hand.  So now she’s constantly turn our shitshow of a family into the makings of a lifetime original movie.  It will never work, but she will never stop trying.  The problem with my mom is that I have been her therapist since I was ten.  She had nobody she could talk to about my abusive father, disabled sister, or douche-bag brother, and so I became the outlet and the “advice giving column”...10 year old me, 15 year old me, 20 year old me, 25 year old me, and 30 year old me is totally over it.  I wish I could be there for her, but I resent that she put so much baggage on me as a kid.   My biggest problem with my mom is that she doesn’t see the pain that I deal with regularly...which is one of the reasons I am writing this to you all right now, because my mom is among one of the many people  I can’t talk about my shit with...even though she is under the impression that we are thick as thieves, because SHE can share with ME everything....all though it is not the same for me.  

…So let me take a moment and back up and talk about one of the biggest issues I had growing up in the shitstorm of a family that I have.  I was always the “other kid”.  My sister was the one with all the problems, my brother was the golden child who made no mistakes, and then there was me...the one that, well...was there?  I never was given a voice, I never was seen as an individual.   My mom and dad were so wrapped up in how amazing my brother was, that I was just the...unremarkable kid.  I didn’t have the athletics, nor did I have the social graces, or the intelligence.  I was just...the other.  My achievements were never above average, and my pain was never seen as relevant.  Then, around the time my brother was in college, his life started to start sucking and he started to be disappointing to my parents (again, another parenting mistake on their part...just cause a kid starts not being successful doesn’t mean you just, get let down by them)  Then I started to get noticed by my parents, they were “so proud” of me...but when you’ve been getting the participation award you’re entire life, and you start getting “first place” because, the real first place became a letdown...it doesn’t feel like first place.  They even often have eluded to me being their “favorite” which is a bunch of crap because A) Parents shouldn’t have favorites and B) I know damn well I am not you’re favorite! I am just, you’re best option.  Even to this day, my mom notices me, until my brother is around and being “good” and then I still fall back into that same old category of being invisible.  

Another important side-story to help me express how I am feeling right now:  Several years ago I had to leave my job and move back home with my mom.  It was a real crisis depression moment for me.  I quit a job I loved, because there were some outside factors that just weren’t good, and I came “home” trying to figure life out...was I ever going to be able to do that job again?  Was it the circumstance I was in that caused me to leave, or am I really just a big failure?  These were questions I was considering...I was going through a lot, and nobody in my family or life really understood it.  They just saw me as someone that walked away from their career and was jumping on the fast track to nowhere....Interestingly enough, I dropped from the favorites list of my mom then too, into just being something that disappointed her.  This was the start of me acknowledging and dealing with my depression that I have.  Sometimes my super low self esteem comes out and runs the show, and I feel like nothing I do matters.  (Can you blame me?  I grew up in house that told me with their lack of action that NOTHING I DO MATTERS!)  While I was back home, I never got any support and help soul searching...Just a lot of the classic parenting attitude of “get back on that horse, and get your life together.”  Ok, I did need a lot of that, but I think I would have loved it if my mom listened to me and tried to help me understand what I was going through...or at least tried to be there to struggle with it with me...instead, every moment I was home I was her listening ear to all her legal problems, issues with my brother, and concerns involving my sister...Old habits die hard, or in this case, not at all. I think I hit my all time low when I finally moved out of my mom’s house, got my heart broken, was working the same job I was in high school, and all my attempts to be better or “Make something” of myself were failing...That was the most depressed I have ever gotten, and my mom never saw it as I real thing I was going through....but trust me it was, I have never felt so low.

Flashforward to right now.  I am home for the week, hearing about how she has never seen my brother so depressed...how he really needs us...how he needs to be cared for….how none of my problems were ever this bad (literally something she told me!)  And meanwhile, he still is the same douche bag that treats her and myself not unlike how my dad used to treat us...he is very verbally abusive to my mom.  She LETS him smoke pot every day in the house.  Now look, I have nothing against smoking pot...well, I do...I think it’s stupid, but that’s an opinion and I don’t think it should be illegal...but should a mom really be the person who is encouraging this kind of behavior?  She puts up with so much of his crap because “He’s going through a hard time” but where was this heart when I was going through a hard time?  Oh that’s right...I’ve never been through anything like this before, according to her....So yeah, that’s what I have against my mom, that she doesn’t see me as a person.

All this doesn’t matter when I am back in MY home, hours away from these people...I can just suck it up for Thanksgiving and Christmas (Which are my two least favorite days of the year because I have to be with all of them) but...am I so wrong for hating every moment I am with them?  

And you may be thinking, “Dude, you just need to try harder, your family needs you.”  You are seeing me at the end of my rope, but I promise in my life I have tried so hard to be there for them.  I used to love the idea of a loving close family just like my mom does today.  Family holidays used to be my favorite times of the year, because maybe this year we’d be a close normal happy family!  I have been there for my sister in so many times where she needed us, maybe would turn her life around, only to find it to be a situation where she was taking advantage of the situation.  I have tried for years to have a relationship with my brother...at first I idolized him as any younger brother would (and he was a terrible person back to me) then I blamed my dad for our relationship (Which isn’t 100% wrong, my dad made us compete for his love which is part of our issues towards each other today).  So I kept trying, and kept being let down and hurt.  Finally after 20 years of trying, I stop trying...and my mom acts like I am the one who is wrong!  It should be noted, that my brother never tries.

So I’m looking at this family this week and am 110% done.  Is that wrong?  Am I a bad person?  What would you do?  What have you done before in a similar situation?  How terrible does your family have to be for you to stay home on the holidays?  Every year I think about just not coming to Christmas or Thanksgiving but that seems like the worst thing to do to my mom...but honestly, I hate being around these people so much.  They don’t see the real me, and they don’t give me the chance to show them who that person is...and they wouldn’t care even if they saw him.

If you’ve read all this (Good lord, why would you read this!?!) I’d love to hear your thoughts.  If I disagree with them, I won’t be mean to you...I just won’t administer whatever suggestions you give.  I’d appreciate any wisdom or insight you have.  And just for reading this long, first, blog post of mine...I thank you!