#to the point that i shame myself and feel selfish for simply wanting to be seen as attractive or treated with genuine care

[lucky-clover-gazette]

sometimes i just kinda sit there and think about how it is genuinely difficult for me to conceive of myself being desired

[spinchip]

He keeps ending up in these situations- these soft, quiet moments with Zane where everything Lloyd wants to say is crowding behind his teeth before he swallows it all back down. He never felt bold enough to disturb the piece, or maybe he never felt sure-footed enough to navigate the conversation. The land around the topic of the Never Realm was still littered with landmines and sinkholes. Zane didn't talk to them about it.

They're stargazing. Lloyd was out here first basking in the rare alone time. He'd turned Kai away two hours ago when he'd come to check on him, but when Zane stood over him and blotted out the stars with a weak smile- Lloyd invited him to stay, and promised himself he wouldn't shelve this conversation for another day.

He's look at Ursa Major when he says it, "I'm Afraid you'll never be okay again."

There's a soft pause.

"I am okay, Lloyd." Zane reassures him in a voice that is so much more monotone than before the Never Realm, "Therapy has been extremely rewarding. I feel like myself again."

He sits up, propping himself up on arms that don’t tremble, “You’re not yourself, though.” He feels like he has to force the words out from behind the lump in his throat, “You don’t cook, or meditate, or bird watch anymore-” He stops to center himself, “...I’m scared you’ll never go back to normal.”

Zane is the quiet one this time.

Lloyd lies back down, feeling worse than before. They watch the stars trek across the sky.

“I believe this is the new normal, Lloyd.” He says very, very quietly.

Immediately Lloyd sits up again, twisting to face Zane, “How can you say that? Two months ago you were acting totally fine! Yeah, when you came back from the Never Realm you spent a whole month alone in your room... but then you were Zane again, and now- now you’re…”

“Different.” Zane finishes, “I have changed.”

“Yeah.” Lloyd turn forward, staring down in his lap.

No one says anything. Lloyd feels like he's royally blowing this conversation and making everything worse.

“...When I first returned from the Never Realm, I was... in a dark place. It was easier to hide and sort through things on my own, But I… had not dealt with it as well as I could have. After I spent that time alone and I returned to the team, once more joining with the group socially, I was still a mess. I did not know who I was, and I did not feel like anyone- not Zane, and not the emperor. So I looked in my memory banks and pretended.”

Lloyd looks back at Zane, who’s eyes are fixed resolutely on the moon and not Lloyd's reaction. “You… what?”

“I did not want to worry you. My theory was that If i acted like I was okay, I would be. I hoped I could figure it all out before anyone realized I was wearing a mask, that I could fix myself to the point where I could stop pretending.” He links his hands together on top of his stomach, “Then Cyrus Borg put me in touch with his therapist." Two times a week, every Monday and Thursday. Lloyd knew that. "She helped me realize that this act I was putting on was not a positive move for me and my recovery. It is not that I have regressed, Lloyd- i have simply stopped pretending to be who I used to be.”

“You were trying to protect us?”

There’s another pause, “It was partly selfish, too. I was… afraid. I was scared that if you and the others realized just how much I had changed, you would not see me the same. That the love you had for me would not be able to adapt to who I have become.”

“I- of course we would love you! Always!” Lloyd insisted immediately, “It’s not- I didn’t mean- I was just worried. I’m sorry.” He feels shame curdle in his gut at his earlier words, unintentionally picking at Zane's insecurity.

“I understand your feelings, Lloyd. You do not need to apologize,” He smiles softly at him and its not the same smile Lloyd is so used to, but it has its own warmth, “Change is not… a bad thing. The circumstances leading to this were, but this is what healing looks like for me at this point. I am figuring out who I am again- I do not bird watch or cook or meditate, no, but I think you’ll be surprised at how good my knitting has gotten.” He offers Lloyd another tiny smile, “I am finding my happiness again.”

“Is there anything I can do to help?”

Zane's soft blue eyes flicker back up to the stars and his smile turns gentle, “You are always helping, even if you do not realize it. All of you are.”

[nasgard]

I wouldn't have minded Viren's death the way it happened if it had occurred later. Maybe in the final season, but here it unfortunately left me feeling betrayed and disappointed.

I know the intention was to show that he was finally being completely selfless and humble, sacrificing his own life to save the people of the kingdom. But the way it happened, the journey leading up to his death, just seemed cruel and unfair to me. Especially when I think about everything that happened in his life.

First, we know that his journey to darkness began precisely because he used dark magic to save his son's life. He used dark magic to save others and to serve the king. In other words, he spent his entire life destroying his own body and soul to save other people's lives, to feed the people of two entire kingdoms because somehow their rulers were incompetent to do so in the first place. So, once again, he destroys his body and soul and ends his life to save people who are okay with dark magic being useful to them once again but still continue to hate whoever uses it.

Moreover, he is forced into this when he said he wouldn't do it anymore, when he finally felt free from it. And he dies repeating that he is a servant. Again, I understand the intention of showing that he is no longer selfish and power-hungry, but when I remember that his hunger for power came from the insecurity of being someone without importance and value, seeing him die saying that was very sad. As if he, a servant, could never be anything else.

So, no, I didn't like Viren's ending as it was done.

Honestly, I find myself wishing he had died at the end of Season 3 because it feels like all his development in the last two seasons was thrown away and served no purpose. Because if Viren remained dead and Claudia still chose to follow Aaravos, Soren doesn't discover the truth, then what was the point of bringing Viren back to life? What was the point of him being, as far as we know, the only person ever resurrected? What was the point of him being able to see a vision of himself from the future and the past? Why did he have visions of Aaravos' mirror? And his constant visions with Claudia? That obvious connection to the Star Arcanum served no purpose?

Besides, knowing the true reason for Aaravos' revenge plans simply makes the way he dealt with Viren, Claudia, and Sir Sparklepuff in the last three seasons very, very strange. And here, I'm not judging the character but the writers who crafted this confusing plot. Because noticing the similarities between Viren's and Aaravos' stories, I don't see why Aaravos didn't reveal that to Viren. I know that if he had treated Viren as he did in Seasons 2 and 3, he would have convinced Viren to stay on his side. But instead, Aaravos pushed Viren to a complete breakdown, to the point of wanting to give up dark magic.

And what was that about Lissa not wanting to shed a single damn tear to save her own son? Honestly, the revelation that Viren had to pull her hair to get the tear to save THEIR SON, when Viren had already made the greater sacrifice with his own body and soul, didn't make me mad at Viren, it made me mad at her. She even abandoned the kids afterward, and Viren is the only terrible parent here?

All that being said, Viren was my favorite character because he was the most complex, the most real, and the best written. With him dead, I've lost interest in continuing to watch the show, which is really a shame.

[landwriter]

1589 got me feeling&rambling and I'm so sorry beforehand that I can't keep it short and simple, as would probably befit the thing. Feel free to ignore if not interesting to you, still you are the one that comes to mind when thinking about Hob being morally grey.

That scene is always so painful to watch, mostly because Hob is behaving like such a sorry fool. He has really decked himself out to impress his stranger and misses the mark so dramatically.

(Whereas Dream seemingly has not held back either - I mean it's easily his hottest look, you can't tell me he didn't mean to make a lasting impression. So much disappointment on both sides.)

Cringe Hob as part of the dark Hob spectrum, his self-importance/selfishness showing - of course it's not pure fun to watch, but I'm always so fascinated by that flicker of pain (foreshadowing shame) that comes right to the surface in all his put on show, just before he orders the lamb. The contrast makes for a very intense moment, imo. And I am wondering, has he really left all of this behind by 1889? Or is he simply more smooth by that time (that's what I'm getting from the show) ? In fanfics his flaws are mostly depicted as minor or serving a good end in modern times, he is always such a goodie by then (and I love him, of course). But can we imagine just a trace of more questionable/offputting Hob in the mix (if only on impulse) - to be clear, I have no idea how that would work. Or should we just be grateful that that lies behind him (it certainly makes for a much more likeable character and a nicer love story)?

(me force feeding myself more of the horrible stuff I just wanted to avoid looking at)

It's a beautiful contrast: opulence and insecurity. Success and asking still for validation. I have Thoughts on each meeting (please send me asks about them) - ostensibly the very first fannish thing I did for this show, and also in my adult life, was rewatch the meetings and pause constantly and take - oh holy Christ over 4,000 words of notes.

I propose Hob is not acting like a sorry fool. Sure, some bits are clearly played for comedy. Hob is selfish, self-important, and given to hedonism. He is concerned primarily with his own comfort and the personal pleasures of life. But I blame 1589 pretty solidly on Dream. In 1489, after being asked what his experience is like, he answers Dream with an inarticulate statement spoken by a true person who just Digs The Experience of Experiencing: it's 'fucking brilliant' and 'all changing'. Dream asks how, Hob literally looks around the room like a student who forgot an essay was due, and names chimneys and playing cards. Handkerchiefs. Simple things - still sensual things - but simple ones. Certainly no sociopolitical discourse here. What will you people think of next, says Dream, deeply sarcastic and visibly disinterested. And Dream also asks him: but what is Hob doing with his time? This, too, he is under-prepared to answer. Soldiering, banditry, bit of printing press work. Hardly enough to impress this supernatural lord, and Hob can tell.

When he is granted, explicitly, another 100 years by Dream, it is not only a relief, but I think a part of Hob squares its jaw in that moment and says: I'll show him - I'll show him what I can do in a century, I'll earn his pleased regard. Not necessarily because he's even, you know, madly in love at this point, but because he's in it for the living, does not intrinsically have great ambitions, but does have someone who has a) seemingly granted him this greatest gift and b) is unimpressed with what he's doing with it. And he's lost everyone he knew. Dream is now his oldest acquaintance, and wouldn't it be nice if he liked Hob?

He knows only the language of what impresses other men, and this is what he achieves. But to Dream, both Hob's socially-valued successes and his deeply personal ones are terrifically uninteresting. They are not New Dreams To Spur The Minds Of Men. There is no new story in a man seeking fortune and having a wife and a child he loves. He is ancient as the first dreaming thing, and he is Bored. He is, in fact, soured on this meeting from the outset, when he says "Hello, Hob," which on my watch struck me, apparently, as extremely bizarre and of having a real air of Hob being In Trouble. (The only other times Dream says his name are at the first, looming and omniscient, and in 1789, - 'I suggest you find yourself a different line of business, Robert Gadling'. He does not say it at their modern meeting.)

I mean - how would you impress someone? Someone who was interested in your deeds? Putting on a nice little dinner and catching them up on your life, talking about your family, seems a decent enough shout. It's not like you can ask him about his life, he won't offer information when asked and only sometimes will correct you if you venture your own guesses. (see also: 1889 foreshadowing) Hob is feeling proud and triumphant, feeling like he's come far. He is obviously a bit obnoxious about it, but I do think Dream shows off his flaws far more in 1589 than Hob does.

Hob's greatest sin, here, is trying to be liked. His greatest regret is almost certainly not the spread he put on, but the moment he was really, truly, earnest - not underscored even by a subsequent joke - the moment he declaims that this is what he had imagined Heaven to be like (safe enough to walk the streets; good food; good wine) - Life is so rich, he says - and Dream looks away to listen to Will Shaxberd, and we watch real time as Hob's expression collapses. He had leaned forward nearly out of his chair in enthusiasm, and now he shrinks back, reminded again of the dangers of earnestness: being alone in it. Being ignored. Better to make a joke of things, which is why he tells so many around Dream, especially after being more open - it's clearly a matter of habit. (It is also, incidentally, absolutely unappealing to Dream, who really and truly looks at him for the first time in 1689, when he is stripped of the social niceties of men and reigns nothing in.) He eats. He frets. He has had another century, and he has failed to impress the stranger.

The worst moment, I think, is that Dream does not renew their compact. He does not ask Hob if he still wishes to live, and Hob does not get the opportunity to say "Oh, yes." He was given this gift for one reason: the stranger was curious about his experiences. Does the stranger seem still curious about him now? I wonder, honestly, if Hob thought he would see another meeting.

Has he really left that all behind by 1889? No - you hear it in his own words, 'People are almost always better than you think they are.' - the earnesty, and then the joke - 'Not me, though, still the same as ever.' Except it's not really a joke, is it? Hob is saying to Dream, I know you don't think much of me, well, I don't pretend to think much of myself. He still wants Dream's validation, of course, he's just trying to earn it differently. (It goes poorly.) He's smoother, but also more frustrated, more fed up, more hungry for knowledge of his stranger; and I think that's such an interesting point in time for him. I think he leaves little behind, and what he does leave behind, he dreams of. He's changed so much and so little, and I think you could really go in whatever direction you want depicting that and be convincing.

I can't speak to the fanon on Hob's flaws because I don't read nearly as much as I wish I could. While I don't personally think 1589 Hob was actually that questionable or offputting - at least no more than most people would be in that situation - I would love to see a modern fic where has the same flaws he's always had, where they come up maybe different than they would have several centuries ago, but they absolutely exist, it does have plot consequences. Bonus points if he is not being offputting for the purposes of rescuing Dream from the fishbowl - if his flaws exist independent of his relationship with Dream altogether. Bonus bonus points if Hob is the one whose character development needs to be developed and Dream is in a better place than he is. If anyone has fic recs feel free to drop them in the comments!

P.S. 1589 Dream, wow, yes, for sure. 10/10 would babble and get walked out on

[zeephyre]

CR3 EPISODE 78 SPOILERS

god. i love this fucking campaign. this one's gonna be long as shit.

despite how genuinely depressing this episode was, it also made me really giddy because i love hurt/comfort and there's no point of that if there's no hurt or angst.

im probably gonna go down the line with each member of bells hells, discussing what i can remember off the top of my head, i hope i don't forget anything in my rambles cause this was one of my FAVORITE episodes of the whole campaign and that's saying something.

i love ashton. i have loved ashton the most since the very beginning and for a lot of it i was really worried that ashton was deliberating running from opening up with bells hells while also going out of their way to have one-to-one convos with different members that were deep and insightful but never went as far as they needed to.

i am projecting a bit with analysis of ashton but taliesin does it best when rp'ing for ash and generally talking abt him in interviews. ashton reminds me of myself, which is not a compliment and is actually really terrible. ironically enough, ashton said the same thing abt fcg. i have spent a lot of time hurting myself by sabotaging the things i love, or embracing the worse parts of myself simply because it's become habit. there's always going to be a piece of you that finds the sadness, anger, guilt, emptiness, whatever -- comforting because it's all you've known.

ashton mourns a life that he never lived. i find myself mourning versions of myself that i would hate but still...yearn for them like an itch or an ache that comes from hurt. ashton wanted their family back, in whatever desperate, corrupted way he felt he should have done it, and hearing how he described feeling like he looked past the cautionary tale simply because he thought the pain they caused him should have meant something else made me think of imogen.

beautiful, sweet, powerful, dangerous, sad imogen temult. i won't comment on how everyone berated ashton because that's not really surprising nor was anything imogen said or did pertaining to ash shocking whatsoever. but... there's smth abt the destruction that ashton did to feel close to the idea of a family that doesn't really exist that just parallels so well with the fight that imogen has been undergoing since childhood. against the red storm, now against the call of ruidus, and the temptation and attachment she felt and still feels to her mother, despite everything liliana has done that jeopardizes everything imogen is fighting for.

abandoned by her mother, shunned by her own town, ignored and feared by her father.

going back to ashton again, there's smth to be said abt the guilt and shame that comes from making horrible choices that put yourself and the ppl you love in danger that forever changes the way they perceive you. I've done it. i had to fight to make things better. it can't be enough to love someone enough that would die for them, you have to fight to stay alive. if not even for yourself, for THEM.

i know it can be unhealthy to rely on others so much, but it's certainly not easy to fight for yourself when the foundation isn't there. learning how to love without throwing yourself on a blade is more important than self sufficiency. that comes afterwards.

i...don't like laudna's reliance on delilah briarwood this episode. i... there's smth very ironic about laudna being worried abt ashton's betrayal and the way he hurt her and the others with his deception and selfishness, coupled with my understanding of the absolute fucking insane, borderline stupid danger of even SPEAKING to delilah briarwood, let alone working WITH her.

i think it's hypocritical, but i don't feel any animosity towards laudna. just..sadness. delilah is a parasite. a disgusting, cruel, evil bitch who wants laudna to be... that weak little girl easily crushed under her thumb. she may preach abt laudna's latent power and potential, but laudna won't serve her purpose if she TRULY gains the strength to cast delilah aside forever. i don't think delilah was telling the truth abt their fates last episode, and that's why i so deeply want laudna to toss aside that defeatist mindset that has only gotten worse since episode one. maybe im wrong, maybe delilah was actually being genuine.

i kept watching imogens/laura's face during laudna's moments speaking with delilah alone, and it just made me sad because she didn't need to be alone. she had imogen, but she still felt the need to run and hide away. god i just want her to be happy.

i really liked the doll she made for ashton, even though delilah made it really creepy for no reason, the dramatic cunt she is. her assessment of ashton as being a child may seem rude or even a projection but to me it's the truth. ashton has not grown past his childhood. past abandonment and pain and mistrust and love that never lasts and always hurts. that shit followed them to adulthood and anyone who has any number of mental illnesses and childhood trauma will tell you that it's so easy to feel yourself stuck as a reactive, stubborn, bitter little kid trapped in a shitty cycle of pain. both ashton and laudna this episode felt like they were both broken, sad children interacting. laudna clinging to comfort from delilah, hiding away, mentally reverting to the person she was the last time she was in whitestone. ashton, clinging to his lost childhood and the acceptance of laudna's doll, the admittance that they'd never had a doll before. god... they're so sad, im gonna scream.

fcg apologizing for forcing faith down ashtons throat was sweet and so was ashton apologizing for being so bitter abt fcg's faith. now i just need fcg to apologize for the multiple instances where he put laudna in danger by casting turn undead with no acknowledgement of laudna afterwards.

fcg saying that ashton didn't love anyone or care about anyone hurt me a bit, because while i understood why they were saying those things, it was so... obviously untrue. before all of this, ashton has shown again and again and again how much he loves bells hells, and especially fcg. i know that ashton almost dying over smth so arrogant, desperate and foolish would make anyone question what someone's idea of "love" is, but still. it stung. maybe because i have been there. i know what it's like to be doubted and mistrusted because you ruined smth good callously and carelessly.

chetney... chetney really loves fearne. i don't care if y'all don't get it or if y'all still think chet is some joke character with no substance, I never understood that shit and i simply never will. chet and fearne probably have the best relationship in all of bells' hells -- and yes, that includes imogen and laudna because god knows those two have shit brewing under the surface that needs to be HANDLED, i.e: laudna being defeatist abt their relationship even tho it's barely begun.

chetney's a good man. him going after fearne was the best choice and im glad he gave her a couple laughs before she went off to wander. he cares about her so much, and he BELIEVES in her so much, and i love them. i LOVED the way he went in on ashton. hurting fearne by making a shitty decision and letting her bear the burden of watching ashton die right in front of her was... bad. it is very complicated but, that's pretty cut and dry.

i like him testing ashton again and again. telling him to leave but also being glad they chose to be brave and stay, and face the consequences of their actions. attacking ashton to see what all of any of that shit was even for. (im a little bummed that the shard didn't fully wake up yet but...i love the suspense im just impatient).

FEARNE. CALLOWAY. i love fearne, and i love the breakdown during the first part of the episode. it was such a raw moment and it established the tone of the episode so quickly. im glad that fearne knows that while ashton fucked up royally, her rejecting of the shard and complacence in ashton's plans was also royally stupid. i don't think her being terrified of taking the shard is bad or stupid, it's actually one of my favorite fearne character choices. no one ever actually asked her WHY she didn't want it, and when she said she didn't want it, it was still decided by the hells that the shard would go to fearne. (they're very shit at communication, poor babies). im happy that she specifically clarified that ashton did not threaten or manipulate her (plus he gave her many opportunities to not be involved with his bullshit if it made her uncomfy so im hoping the insane critters who keep treating ashton like some evil, predatory person finally stfu).

fearne being so scared of a version of herself that was sad, lonely, and "evil" to the point that she chose to believe that it was ashton's destiny to take in both shards is so... so rich. i hope she talks about that more in the next episode because i don't think she's EVER brought it up since exu. i don't think the shard would change fearne's personality but god the fact that SHE is so afraid of herself and what she's capable of.... AHHHH. love this damn party.

i hope liam knows that expect really painful roleplaying from him when he comes back cause i really do need ashton and orym interactions like i need air.

the choice to go to the fey realm was brilliant and i missed nana morri so it's a win for me. bells hells COULD have done what they've been doing for a while now, which is ignoring the pain they're all feeling and pushing forward, but ashton doing what they did was the straw that broke the camel's back and im GLAD because i have been begging them all to have real conversations with each other that don't get cut short prematurely for whatever reason.

i do hope that they do really lean into the self care aspect involving therapy and talking through their issues with ALL of the members present or even in groups, and it isn't just fun and games. they're prone to distraction. i love my little guys.

:( two weeks without bells hells. is it thursday, yet???

[firenati0n]

so I learned today that my dissertation that I thought I monumentally fucked up actually got the highest mark I could have achieved, and I am now the proud owner of a master's degree, and I may be getting fucking published, and a year's worth of tension and stress is finally starting to seep out of my body, and my nervous system can maybe have another fighting chance at regulating (unlikely), but—

The first thing my friends and family said to me was "proud of you!" and in the same breath they all, independently, said "you better also be proud of yourself" and then my mother said "your happiness always seems to be short-lived and fleeting, why is that?" and then she hit me with a "you stress yourself out to the point of illness and work yourself crazy only to enjoy none of the results" and—

boy howdy was I at a loss for words because she's right and i hate hearing my close friends and family echo the same sentiment of: I simply do not allow myself to enjoy any fruits of my labor???? I will bleed myself dry for validation and achievement and praise and love and then feel completely fucking insane for even wanting it in the first place.

It's why I stopped writing, why I abandoned so many threads. I wasn't getting any validation. I felt totally worthless.

and then I feel depths of shame previously unexplored at my Big Age for wanting some rest and peace (ironic that i beat myself up for wanting to recharge after I literally studied psych and wellbeing and the importance of rest!!).

I guess I just feel selfish for wanting to celebrate myself sometimes. And feel unable to be happy for myself because I hate boasting. So I'm going to hold myself accountable and say that I'm proud of all I've overcome to get to this point in my life, a point I did not anticipate being at 5 years ago, or even a year ago.

Onwards and upwards. 💛

p.s. I could not have finished that fucking dissertation without the emotional support of the gazillion rwrb fics I read throughout my writing process. I genuinely used ao3 as a coping mechanism and a rewards system for me to power through what was probably the hardest year of my life (for many reasons beyond academic).

to all of my writer/creator/artist/friend mutuals and the general rwrb fic/art community (I know you won't see this but i love you all the same), please know that any gratitude I express will never be enough. if I've ever screamed in your inbox or comments sections, know that it comes from a place of deep, genuine, at times debilitating emotion. y'all literally kept me afloat during some of the worst months of my life. You continue to keep me afloat. I don't know you, and you don't know me, but I know your words, and that is a privilege.

[sassenashsworld]

Songs that now mean something profound to me because of Fallout 4 and Fallout 76

We three (My echo, my shadow and me): As the trio Hancock, Nick and Nora is almost inseparable in almost all fanfictions (including mine) that I read, this song simply represents them

It’s all over but the crying: my life has been a loss for as long as I remember. What little I’ve always had, very little, has always been taken away from me without any consideration. And I’ve been talking since my very early childhood. Poor and definitely too much (my mother didn’t know that she was pregnant of me and I was unacknowledged when I was six or seven years old that she would have had an abortion otherwise), I had very little life and this very little seems an insult to the heavenly plans, since they are always taken from me. The most stupid and insignificant of the selfish joys that I seem to want to have is always taken away from me or otherwise, perverted to the point of making me regret. Today, after a long struggle to build a life for myself, I literally live on a reprieve... When it's play on the radio, I so feel Nora

The world on fire: a general feeling for the Nora/Nick synergy, I would not know how to describe more than feeling

Take me home : It’s so deep, it’s the bond that binds me to this wonderful community of Fallout 76. In the special 5th anniversary show that Kenneth Vigue did, when the song is performed by the violinist (sorry I have a white one this morning), it tears me away. This moment of "I belong to something" that the fallout 76 community gives me is defined by this song and just writing it puts tears in my eyes

Anything goes: The Heartbeat of the Commonwealth has literally been my Heartbeat this past year. I wouldn’t even be able to make it into the Fallout 76 community if I’d don't only hung on to this Fanfiction. When Nora and Nick sing this song as a duo, innocently, on the road to Goodneighbor at the very beginning of the story, it is so much a thumbs up to everything that is worse and destroyed in this world. It’s only a written scene and yet, she lives in my heart like a kind of: Fuck you destiny, I’m still here and I will continue to make myself heard

The wanderer : My life before my children was very similar to my life in Fallout 76. I went where I wanted, I took the job I was given. Always further north, sometimes coming further south. Day by day, now I’m here, tomorrow who knows, sleeping anywhere, talking with anyone. From 19 to 25, I was a wanderer and I loved this life.

Maybe : Here we get a little out of the track. This song has been with me in Fallout for... ever? I don’t currently remember if it became the representation of Fallout in the first of the series or the second (shame on me) but Maybe is all the energy, all the courage, all the hope that the whole universe of Fallout has always given me. And even today, at the twilight of my existence, it seems to me, I just need to hear Maybe to remind me that every time I felt trapped in my life, Tim Cain created a place where I felt good, free to be me. Maybe... maybe someone thinks of me... maybe... that I don’t exist in vain...

[transenbyconfessions]

Tw : suicide?

I reckon I'm trans, but I feel an estrangement from the trans label. This is due to the fact that I'm quite low dysphoric. I've on & off identified as trans for 3 years. 'On', because I feel quite strongly as though being male is how I were meant to be, to the point where I feel excited to die due to the chance of being reincarnated as cis male. This also manifests as suicidal ideations. Despite experiencing mild dysphoria, I regularly experience 'euphoria'?. I feel comfort presenting as male, being assumed as male, identifying as male. It just feels...right. I could provide many examples, but I don't want this to get too rambly. However, 'off' is because I could continue to live the rest of my life as a woman, not comfortably, but indifferently. Why compromise the comfort of those around me, and stressfully pursue legal & social changes when I could simply just live presenting a way which is most convenient to my family & others, with indifference? I feel that doing anything otherwise would just be selfish, hedonistic. Especially considering there were no indicators throughout my childhood of being male which I can recall. To be honest, my ultimate goal is to just unapologetically be myself, labelled or not, and not sacrifice my own comfort for the comfort of those around me. But there's so much shame and anxiety in doing so.

Submitted April 23, 2023

[shmingleping]

I can't do this shit anymore. I just can't take it. I'm in the worst mental and emotional pain that I feel I've ever been in, and that says a fucking lot considering how bad it's gotten in the past. And im on my own with it. I don't know what to do with the massive amount of embarrassment, shame, guilt, and deep self-hatred. I don't feel it's possible to forgive myself and move forward from the fact that I completely fucked up my life; not only that but I did nothing about it for over 10 years which just allowed me to get worse and worse without fully knowing how badly I ruined myself until now, all just because I was afraid of doing the simple things people have to face everyday knowing they were probably unsure and scared as well but knew it would only be temporary and that that jump into the unknown wouldn't last forever and would actually lead them to more happiness than they ever thought possible. How can I forgive myself for ruining the years of my life that are usually dedicated to finding yourself, having new interesting experiences, learning so much more than what just a classroom could teach, going out of your comfort zone, and making the kind of friends you usually get to have for a lifetime? I can't. I can't tell myself that it's ok that I didn't get to do that, most especially because I'm the entire reason why it didn't happen. I've been alone for so long, that anytime anyone, like random strangers or someone from my past pops up in my life (whether their doing or by my seeking them out) I try so hard to hold on to them in such a way that I become the worst possible toxic kind of person who more than likely ends up driving them away by my words or actions... even if they treated me poorly at some point I am willing to take any kind of human interaction that isnt from the only person I actually have in my life (my mom) . Who I love (do I even now what love is? I feel like I'm just a fake, selfish, manipulative piece of shit person) She's so kind to me but I don't deserve it. By fucking up my life I unintentionally ended up completely ruining hers too. She isn't living the life she wants, and that's so fuckjng unfair of me to do to her, especially when I take into account the shit she had to deal with in her life before I took her dreams and threw them away simply because I was selfish and scared and fucking stupid. I hate myself. Even if somehow for whatever reason all of that could be "fixed" I still wouldn't be able to move passed those emotions of hate toward myself. I hate the way I look. Everything from head to toe is grotesque. I'm fuckibg disgusting. No amount of healthy food or workouts and weight loss will make that change. My mind and personality are also such shit I can't stand it. I just want to crawl into the enormous hole I started digging for myself 12 years ago and never have to come out. My life will never be what I wish it was. I've done too much damage and wasted too much time. I was doomed from the start just by being who I am. I just wish I could cease to exist without hurting anyone (aka mom; no one else will care I i can promise you that). I fucking hate myself so much I can physically feel it. I shouldn't exist. I should have never have existed. Fuckjng kill me.

[spiralemoji]

You don’t realize how much of a workaholic you are and how difficult of a time you have relaxing until you go on vacation

Like goddamn, i have mental issues

I can’t just sleep in like a normal person, there is literally 3 people awake on this island right now and two of them are people who are having to set up shop and work- and the other is an old guy taking a brisk walk on the beach.

But yeah, i wake up at 5am and shoot of bed, walk around the island with nothing to do, and there is literally no one awake. It felt good for 15 minutes but then i lost interest, mainly due to loneliness? And so i just started hanging up my clothes and trying not to have circular thoughts that will make me worse (as if i have any control at this point)

Ruminating about the future, ruminating about my own happiness, ruminating about things i don’t like about myself and my uncertainties and insecurities

You’d think goddamn just take a Xanax or Ativan or whatever the fuck and chill out and shut up right but nothing makes my head truly go silent

I wanted to say good bye to my obsessions but i said good bye to my obsessions 80 times in my head, 180 times maybe, maybe 900 times, i couldn’t stop saying it to myself because i want to say good bye to my obsessions

But i can’t stop, as it feels intangible out of reach something to do just for the sake of doing it, I’m always seeking, despite trying my best to fill myself up with gratitude and contentment and blah blah blah

It just never ceases, hypo manic energy almost overtakes me, and no one else seems to understand why i seem so un calm

I can’t stop, so i do things that no one else does. And pride myself on, the external validation of my own perfectionism and productivity like it’s a drug i get high off of or need to survive

Meanwhile in the background there is this burning self hatred and pointlessness, and feelings of isolation, and being trapped

Like a wounded child, and a wild animal in a cage biting to get out and scream, and tear into the flesh of those who deserve to be torn apart

Simply because i felt like it, and want to destroy and control whats inside of me but i can’t, so i lose myself to these waves of mentally ill thoughts and manic rage lashing out at everyone

While i psychotically hang my clothes perfectly in a row, everything is perfectly fine, all the time….

In my little world, all alone…. Nothing could cure this kind of emptiness and discontent

It’s the loudest when i go to places like this, because i really have no one and nothing else around to blame but myself, or the things greater than me which i don’t understand and could be figments of someone else’s imagination for all i know

What do i know, i know nothing, i rely on feeling and reaction, and trust none of it, as I flim and flam about no where to the next no where for no real reason

It all gets so boring sometimes, i can hardly come up with something i care to entertain, saving the world or watching it burn neither is satisfying,

I simply, don’t care, and i think oh, maybe if someone else cares maybe if someone else loves me maybe if i belong to something …. But i don’t connect. Despite claiming its all i want, i run from that the most of anything

I am tied up inside endless conundrums and unsolvable riddles that make no sense, lose ends that never meet, a maze you can never escape

The only hope I have is feeling of catharsis and relief, whether its from, losing consciousness, a shameful amount of sleep- drug induced, or overdosing

I had the best intentions but there is so much pain i carry around, and shame, and insecurity, its hard to let go of it all so easily…. And not care what other people think,

So i turn to poetry and music for release, and a few other things not as satisfying- my dopamine deprived brain, broken from the inside, i want a perfect body

They judge me, and say how could she be so selfish

I hate it too. I hate it too, but i can’t make it stop, i can’t fix myself, i need help.

Most people tell me to shut up and everything will be fine. It never really is though, i don’t know when it ever will be so i gave up waiting for the feeling and accepted the brutal fact of my experience here in life

Unfortunately isn’t the happiest experience, despite having everything you could of ever wanted.

And everybody hates me because I’m Gay. Narcissist…. Deluded, insane, psychotic, obsessive, neurotic,…. I have no character, no backbone, no work ethic, no cares. I am amoral, depraved, baseless, empty inside.

Drowning in a river of my very own device….. happiness is my own self destruction and demise

So at least it’s the path of least resistance, with least collateral damage, remove myself from the equation, quietly, slowly,

Floating down the river, giving up, suicide.

The only other choice i have is to hold onto hoping, despite all odds not being the best, bravely facing death, a martyr to what, my own ignorance

I can’t get past my own self, much less, ascend beyond that,

I wish i could, as if that would, fantastically heal the raw reality and aching wounds, festering with maggots that rot in my very core, my soul, and my most vulnerable, private places,

You, put them there, i blame you and take out fire on you with branded steel steering on your skin

Hating all men

I should know better than this, but its hard to pretend you can always control all your emotions

Wipe them out like they aren’t there, take a pill and pretend to be happy like everyone else, smile for the cameras

Don’t be such, a drag, get up and light someone else’s path, get off your knees

Feed the begging man, ask god for forgiveness as he strikes you down and plagues you, a leper with decaying skin, painful diseases, and sicknesses

Leaving you to rot like filth on the scum soaked sidewalks like the vermin you are

Worthless beguiled rotten …. You turned all of gods golden light inside your innocent baby body

And made a mockery of him. So he strikes me down, again, and again, and again. Flogging us senseless.

And i still hope for redemption. Purity, forgiveness. As if i can ever quit. My mind a dirty dumpster dive of imperfection and sin.

I’ll never be good enough for him……

[srhhrtmn21222]

Step Four - Sex

How was my sexual behavior based in selfishness?

For a period of time, I was not interested in having a real relationship. I simply wanted to have sex, and never see the person again. When I was dating this girl, we were in a polyamorous, open relationship. She was still seeing the father of her daughter, and I was having sex with a friend of mine. Because of my selfish desire to have sex, I was constantly ruining plans with her to go see the guy I was messing around with. Because of that (and my constantly drug use) she ended things.

2. Have I confused sex with love? What were the results of acting on that confusion?

One of the first few guys that I had sex with, I thought I was in love. I knew he had a wife (that he was separated from). Over time, I realized I was "the other woman". He would be with me for a few weeks to a few months, then he'd go back home to her (and lie about the things he would tell me). Every time he left her, I was there waiting with open arms, because in my head, I loved him. I broke off quite a few relationships due to him leaving her and coming back to me.

3. How have I used sex to try to avoid loneliness or fill a spiritual void?

While with my ex, I stayed with him to avoid being lonely. Which involved many sexual acts that I was not entirely comfortable with.

4. In what ways did I compulsively seek or avoid sex?

I used to party a LOT. The intentions were to meet someone new, have sex, and never see each other again.

5. Have any of my sexual practices left me feeling ashamed and guilty? What were they? Why did I feel that way?

In the beginning, yes. I enjoy being handled roughly, and I was afraid to express that desire. After a few partners, I determined that was pretty common desires and the shame and guilt drifted away.

6. Have any of my sexual partners hurt myself or others?

Yes. Someone that I used to regularly have sex with got to a point where he was too rough. One specific situation that I can recall involved a guitar amp cord. I left his house covered in whelps.

7. Am I comfortable with my sexuality? If not, why not?

Yes and no. Coming from a strict religious family, I worry about how my parents would view me if I told them I was bisexual. Now that I'm married, I don't see the point in telling them I'm interested in women as well as men, considering my husband and I are monogamous.

8. Am I comfortable with others' sexuality? If not, why not?

I am. I understand that love does not always conform to gender roles. I believe everyone should have the freedom to love whoever they want.

9. Is sex a prerequisite in all or most of my relationships?

In my younger years, yes. I wanted to know if we were sexually compatible before making any kind of commitments. Over the years, I found out that sometimes, you can have amazing sex with someone, but nothing more. And some times, the ones you love with all your heart may not have as much as experience as you, or may not be interested in the same kinks. I do know that if you truly love someone, the sex is just a bonus; not a necessity.

10. What does a healthy relationship mean to me?

Being able to trust each other, and communicate our individual needs. Not running away when things get tough, but being willing to work through your issues.

[newmusickarl]

5-9’s Album of the Month Podcast – Episode 2 out now!

The February edition of the 5-9 Album of the Month Podcast is now live, in which myself, 5-9 Editor Andrew Belt, Check This Out’s Kiley Larsen and Blinded by The Floodlights’ Matthew McLister review five high profile album releases from February, and ultimately name one as our Album of the Month at the end of the discussion.

This month, the five albums we cover are:

Desire, I Want to Turn Into You by Caroline Polachek

Lonely Hearts Killers by Nile Marr

This Is Why by Paramore

Food For Worms by Shame

Heavy Heavy by Young Fathers

If you want to listen to the new episode simply follow the link below, but also be sure to follow 5-9 Blog on Instagram and Twitter for more news and polls relating to the podcast, along with other great content like film reviews, sports articles and more.

Listen to the February 2023 episode here

Album & EP Recommendations

UGLY by Slowthai

The evolution of Tyron Frampton, aka Slowthai, in such a short space of time, has been nothing short of fascinating to witness.

First came his 2019 Mercury Prize-nominated debut Nothing Great About Britain, which was rough and raw at times but also full of this visceral energy that captivated audiences and helped to make him an immediate grime/punk crossover star. However, his career was almost derailed as soon as it had taken off, as a much-publicised interaction with Katherine Ryan at the 2020 NME Awards, in which he made sexualised comments towards her, brought about some very intense but also well-earned backlash for his actions. After making his public apologies and doing some much needed soul searching, he returned in 2021 with his excellent sophomore outing TYRON – an impressive 35-minute double album that showed greater artistic, as well as personal, maturity.

So here we are then just four years on from his big breakout moment and Slowthai has already had what feels like an entire career’s worth of ups and downs. The result of that is that you feel like the pressure cooker has been removed from around Slowthai’s work, making this third album without a doubt his best and most artistically liberated to date.

Opener Yum straps the listener in to the hot seat straight away, with ‘Thai repeating the words “I’ve been lacking motivation, I need an intervention” over an increasingly menacing and anxiety inducing beat. He then starts to describe conversations with his therapist and his drug-fuelled coping mechanisms, as the swirling electronics, distorted vocals and heavy breathing transport you directly into the melting pot of his erratic, troubled psyche. The production from Dan Carey is absolutely mind-blowing, as it ends with ‘Thai repeating the words “Excuse me while I self-destruct, ‘cause I don’t give a fuck” over sharp, harsh synths. It’s an absolutely phenomenal opener, with the intensity and experimental production drawing shades to Yeezus-era Kanye, Igor-era Tyler and Atrocity Exhibition-era Danny Brown all at the same time.

This almost suffocating production continues on recent single Selfish, which remains one of ‘Thai’s strongest tracks to date. Again, the combination of Carey and ‘Thai is awe-inspiring to hear, with a vortex of synths, drums and guitars surrounding Thai as he sings “And we got what we deserve, somehow we never learn – wastin’ lives out on the curb, while we all search for somethin’” It’s simply brilliant.

The high points just keep coming from there with the fantastic Jamie T-inspired tracks Sooner and single Feel Good, before the rhythmic blues of urban love story Never Again. The middle section of the album then brings the album’s two centrepieces, with HAPPY in particular an absolute tour de force. Riding a melancholic central guitar line, ‘Thai confronts his depression head on and sings of how he “would give everything for a smile.” The production is once again stellar, with the song erupting into a full-blown anthem towards the back end as the guitars take flight. Title track UGLY then follows, which is a glorious symphony of grunge as ‘Thai talks about the hideous nature of humanity and today’s world. Again, it’s just a staggering work.

The grunge continues on Falling, with ‘Thai proper flexing his vocal chops as his angsty, pained screams echo and reverberate amidst a spacey, atmospheric backdrop. After the punky Wotz Funny, beauty and ugliness then exquisitely collide on penultimate track Tourniquet, as ‘Thai’s stark vocals bruise the gentle piano and string-tinged instrumentation as he talks metaphorically of hacking away his broken pieces akin to Aaron Rolston in 127 Hours. Acoustic closer 25% Club then brings the album in for a safe landing, ending this rollercoaster journey with a song that is a polar contrast to the opener.

As you can probably tell I’m a huge fan of this record, with Slowthai really coming into his own thanks to a magical partnership with Dan Carey and a host of other great collaborators behind the scenes who help both amplify and finesse his vision. With inspiration from bands like Nirvana and Radiohead also coming through loud and clear too, this has very quickly become one of my favourite albums of the 2023 so far. A big step forward for Slowthai and an absolute must listen!

Listen here

UK Grim by Sleaford Mods

From grime/punk to post-punk now, as scene veterans Sleaford Mods have returned with their urgent new album, UK Grim. The duo of beat maestro Andrew Fearn and fire-spitting wordsmith Jason Williamson hit new heights on their previous outing Spare Ribs, which mixed first-class collaborations and some lockdown-inspired hot takes for arguably their sharpest and best collection of songs to date. Without reinventing the wheel, the duo build on that winning formula on UK Grim with another effort that ranks well within the top half of their stacked discography.  

The title track and lead single remains both immediate and infectious, with Jason Williamson taking no prisoners as he unleashes his sardonic fury on the current state of Tory Britain on this aggressive, electro-driven opener. DIwhy is then a spiritual sequel to Spare Ribs’ hit Nudge It, but this time around Williamson points his finger and razor-sharp tongue at posers within the post-punk scene itself, with quite frankly hilarious results. Force 10 From Navarone remains my favourite Fearn beat on the whole record, as the duo team up with Dry Cleaning’s Florence Shaw for a song that takes place within Jason Williamson’s own inner monologue. Battling feelings of cherophobia and questioning a passive UK public controlled by a corrupt government, it’s the Mods at their most urgent and brilliant best.

Whilst there may be a couple of moments where it feels like the pair are treading over well-trodden ground at this point, these are more than counteracted by some of the record’s highpoints. On The Ground for example may be their poppiest track ever and easily my favourite here, with a super catchy beat and instant refrain of “they’re on the ground and they’re gonna check you.” By contrast Smash Each Other Up sees Williamson look in complete despair at the current state of the country, as Andrew floats a minimalist and mournful electronic beat in the background. Jane Addiction’s own Peter Farrell then turns up for recent single and the album’s most pure punk moment, So Trendy, which comes over slightly irritating at first, but you’ll soon find yourself singing along.

Despite all these great moments, the duo still manage to save two of the album’s strongest moments for last. Tory Kong swings in on a vine made from a rumbling jungle beat, before closer Rhythms of Class marks one of the duo’s very best songs to date. A well-crafted but brutally bleak look at the reality that Britain now shares many of the same social and political problems of the countries the British public can often vilify, it’s a fittingly poignant end.

Overall this is another strong outing from Nottingham’s finest, with Andrew and Jason building on the groundwork they laid in Spare Ribs for another provocative, frequently incendiary yet occasionally funny and oddly catchy, dismantling of (Not So) Great Britain.

Listen here

Radical Romantics by Fever Ray

Elsewhere, Swedish electro pioneer Karin Dreijer aka Fever Ray released their third solo album and their first batch of new music in six years. Other than featuring the most strikingly bizarre album artwork of the year thus far, Radical Romantics is also quite a blissful and dreamy listen with Dreijer pulling together a frequently fascinating collection of synth-pop induced love songs. At just 10 tracks it doesn’t overstay it’s welcome either, with songs like What They Call Us, Shiver, Kandy and Carbon Dioxide as colourful and enjoyable as any they have made previously.

That said though, you might want to leave before final track Bottom of the Ocean, which sees Dreijer repeating various “oh, oh, oh” sounds for seven minutes over an ominous soundscape. One track that promises to go somewhere but just ends up sinking like the title suggests.

Listen here

Life In Miniature (Extended Edition) by Low Island

One of my Top 10 albums of 2022, the second album from Low Island was nothing short of majestic. As the name Life In Miniature suggests, it was a snapshot of the last two years in which frontman Carlos Posada seemed to encounter all of life’s blessings and curses during one quite intense period. From love and loss to happiness and grief, to sad endings and new beginnings, Low Island gifted listeners a beautiful tapestry of treasured memories that, although personal, impactfully resonate out of the audio through lyrical gut-punches and life-affirming sonic uplifts.

If you missed this gem of an album last year then there really hasn’t been a better time to listen, as now to coincide with the end of their recent UK tour, the band have released a new extended edition featuring three previously unreleased album offcuts. It Holds And It Holds is another soulfully cool slice of electropop, whilst Give Me Something To Love is a stunning bare bones acoustic track. My pick of the three however is Second Skin which captures perfectly what this band do best – danceable grooves with a palpable emotional heart.

Listen here

After Hours (Live At SoFi Stadium) by The Weeknd

There are few albums if any that I’ve played more than After Hours and Dawn FM by The Weeknd over the last couple of years. And for two years I held on to my Weeknd tickets for his London show, hoping I would eventually get to hear the songs live after the lockdowns finally came to an end. Although they did end, the bad news was that Abel’s star status had only grown in that time. This resulted in him cancelling his arena tour and upgrading to stadiums, with tickets going from the fairly reasonable £70 I paid initially to the £300 that Ticketmaster’s obscene surge pricing policy decided that’s what people should pay. As much as I love The Weeknd’s music and am desperate to catch his live show again, that is simply not a price I am willing to pay to see any single artist – maybe next time!

Thankfully to ease the blow somewhat, Abel has released this incredible new live album to accompany the HBO Special filmed at his recent stadium show in Los Angeles. Across the breathtaking (pun intended) 31 song setlist, Abel delivers hit after hit, as his vocal performances and superb live band production frequently get the hairs on your neck standing on end. Whilst it may be further evidence of just what a special popstar The Weeknd is, it’s also a shame that I can’t catch the show in person. The end of Live Nation’s monopoly and Ticketmaster’s ridiculous surge pricing really can’t come soon enough!

Listen here

From Nothing To A Little Bit More by The Lathums

“Before the pandemic The Lathums were on the road to nowhere. Then The Charlatans frontman Tim Burgess heard a recording of early single ‘The Great Escape’ and invited them to play a set at Kendal Calling. The rest, as they say, is history. After a couple of years building a passionate fanbase, they’d play the first non-socially distanced post lockdown gig in Liverpool. Six months after that The Lathums struck gold with the small matter of a UK number one album.

So after being in the whirlwind of prosperity in 2021, the storm has settled. 18 months after their debut they’ve returned with From Nothing To A little Bit More: a less immediate effort but one worthy of the time and effort required to leave an impact.

From Nothing To A Little Bit More is a solid return from The Lathums: darker, rawer and more accomplished, albeit without the same high points of their debut. Alex Moore portrays himself as a sensitive soul and the empathy you feel towards him is the album’s main strength. Especially as, like before, the tunes are heart-warming and infectious - the boys from Wigan discover a darker route mixed with moments of light. This is all done without losing the everyman appeal which drew so many to them in the first place.”

Read Matt McLister’s full review here

Listen here

Also worth checking out: Sunrise Bang Ur Head Against The Wall EP by Nia Archives, The Valley of Vision EP by Manchester Orchestra, Brothers & Sisters by Steve Mason, Tear Me to Pieces by Story of the Year

Tracks of the Week

Lean Beef Patty by JPEGMAFIA & Danny Brown

The rumours of a collaboration album between hip hop superstars JPEGMAFIA and Danny Brown has seemingly been around for years now, but it seems like the long-anticipated release is finally nearing its arrival. Whilst still no release date has been announced yet, we do have the first single which is a sub 2-minute hurricane of hard electronic blasts and lyrical wizardry.

Listen here

Sole Obsession by Nation of Language

One of the best new bands to debut during the lockdown years, new wave duo Nation of Language have quickly earned themselves a cult following off the back of their incredible first two records, Introduction Presence and A Way Forward. Now it appears a new era is on the horizon, with their dazzling new single Sole Obsession a prime example of why people simply can’t get enough of this band.

Listen here

Cello Song by Fontaines D.C.

The legacy of renowned singer-songwriter Nick Drake continues to live on, with a new compilation album in the works featuring covers of his most favourite songs from an enticing artist list that includes Bombay Bicycle Club, Let’s Eat Grandma, Radiohead’s Philip Selway, Feist and more. The first cover from the album to be released though is this brilliant take from Fontaines D.C. of Drake’s iconic Cello Song, with that band managing to pay homage whilst also making it their own.

Listen here

Everytime by Cub Sport

And finally this week, one of my favourite films of all time (for reasons I can’t completely pinpoint myself) is Harmony Korine’s surreal, arthouse summer flick, Spring Breakers.

From the vibrancy of the cinematography to the intoxicating Cliff Martinez soundtrack, to just the sheer hallucinogenic hedonism of it all, I just love everything about it. One thing in particular it does so well is the contradictory marriage between beauty and the beast that lies at the heart of the film, which is captured in no better instance than one certain iconic scene. In this magical moment, James Franco’s Alien plays Britney Spears’ Everytime on the piano, whilst the four girls waltz around him wearing Neon Ski Masks and carrying their shotguns, as montage footage of their dangerous escapades are intertwined. Surreal, completely nuts, but also oddly beautiful.

Now I’m not sure if that scene entered the brains of Aussie synth-pop outfit Cub Sport when they decided to cover this Britney classic, but the vocoder vocals and dazed electronica of this dreamy version of the song took me right back to that cinematic masterpiece. Check out the cover, then check out the film if you’ve never seen it - but don’t say I didn’t warn you!

Listen here

Also worth checking out: Messed Up by Holy Holy featuring Kwame, Line In The Sand by Hot Chip, Brian Eno & Goddess, CooCool by Roisin Murphy, Bloodshot by Enter Shikari, Ache by The Xcerts featuring Sam Carter

REMINDER: If you use Apple Music, you can also keep up-to-date with all my favourite 2023 tracks through my Best of 2023 playlist. Constantly updated throughout the year with songs I enjoy, it is then finalised into a Top 100 Songs of the Year in December.

Add the playlist to your library here

[howaboutcastiel-personal]

I keep calling out for help and nothing comes of it. I’m tired of calling out for help. I’m tired of being the bummer constantly and the one that ruins everyone’s mood and demands attention when I haven’t done anything to deserve attention.

My friends are just… all gone. I kind of made a new one??? But all the ones I’ve ever counted on… have just turned into these creatures. Like feral cats or something. I’m their little plaything and they like to poke and prod at me when they’re bored and that’s it. If I need something, they’re not there. If they need something, I’m always there.

But then again, I’m horrible. I’m short-tempered and rude and brutally honest and I set boundaries with hostility and I demand too much. And my company isn’t actually enjoyable, I’m there for comic relief and nothing deeper. My interests don’t matter. My needs don’t matter. I’m thought about when I’m useful and that’s it. That’s how it is with everyone.

It’s pointless now. School. Work. Friends. Everything. Eating is pointless. Sleeping is pointless. I don’t think I’ve ever been useful before. I don’t think I’ll ever be useful to anyone. The fictional characters, I can’t even convince myself that they would want me. They wouldn’t want me. There’s nothing to want.

I’m so disconnected to the entire world. To everything, everywhere. Nothing has any significance and I have no significance to anything or anyone. I’m entirely pointless and at this point I don’t even know what to yearn for. There’s no hope in anything. And I know they say you have to create your own hope but I have tried. I have tried so hard and I have tried until there’s nothing left inside of me and there is simply no more hope to be had. The planet is dying. I’m fat. I’m ugly. I’m unlikable. I’m useless. I’m the person in the friend group everyone is secretly trying to push out. I’m the one that gets left out of plans when they can get away with it. And it’s my own fault. I’m heartless. I’m poor. I’m not generous. I’m not patient. And I talk like a broken record about things no one else cares about.

There’s nothing left. I can’t even write fics like normal because Steven Grant wouldn’t want me. He wouldn’t be willing to fix me. There’s something wrong with me that would just disgust him to his core and I can’t pretend that he would see past it. I’m not enough for him and I could never offer him anything anyway. And I wouldn’t even be able to treat him the way he deserves, knowing me. It’s just stupid for me to think otherwise. And it’s selfish.

No one needs me. No one wants me. I don’t think that I want me anymore, either. I haven’t even cried about it. I just get angry, then tired, then angry, then tired. Then there’s moments of reprieve that just make me feel guilty for the anger and fatigue. It’s a pathetic, shameful pity-party. But there’s no point in trying to fix it. Because who would I be fixing it for? Nobody, because nobody wants me.

I wish that I could abuse my body more and get away with it. I want to starve myself. I want to get up at ungodly hours and drink enough coffee to down a horse. I want to take a rusty pair of scissors and carve out all the parts of myself I hate. I want to hurt until I can’t hurt anymore and I want it to destroy me. If I can’t be good I can be skinny at least. I can be hard and scarred up. I can have energy, so I can be useful. I’m just so un fucking useful. But I can’t. My body won’t work. I’ll faint. I’ll puke. I’ll dissociate so hard that I might as well be asleep with my eyes open. My hair will fall out. I’ll be unable to stand because the stomach cramps are so strong. My visual will swim.

Fucking useless. Completely useless and there’s nothing I can do. I can’t ask for help anymore. No one is going to help and I don’t deserve help.

I just want to stop.

[poetryandhoney]

it's in that space between dusk and dawn

when the moon hangs at its highest point

when the stars shine bright

when everyone you know is resting

it's then that I tend to feel the most peaceful

when standing in the kitchen can feel like time has frozen still

when I can pretend I'm the only person I have to worry about

where I can simply allow myself to be without fear or shame

it's there that I feel my most powerful

like I could do anything

then the sun rises

and my bones ache with an exhaustion that never seems to fade

and I put off any and all tasks bc the idea of doing anything just weighs me down more

and the knowledge that everyone I love is awake and busy makes me feel lonely

and the fear of being sets in

being too loud

too selfish

too ignorant

too much

so some days I keep to myself

keep quiet

keep still

try not to make any sudden moves

try to be who I think everyone wants me to be

and I wait

wait for the moon to rise again

- j.d.

[cursesavior]

Suguru looks up at her in shock when she coldly tells him to get a grip - that they all needed to get a grip - dark eyes wide as he takes in everything she was saying. It's not like she's wrong - strength was prioritized over all else in the Jujutsu world, and he was especially guilty of that. He's valued because he's strong. He wasn't anything special before he'd come to Jujutsu Tech and learned to use his technique - just another boy from the countryside that would've led an unremarkable life and died an unremarkable death had he not been scouted as a sorcerer. That's when everything changed. Suddenly he was important, suddenly he's a Special Grade, the power he wields so great that he could change the world if he wanted to. For so long, that alone had given him his sense of purpose - he was strong, so he had to protect the weak. But that just didn't work. No matter how hard he tried, how long he spent chipping away, exorcising and absorbing curse after curse, things only got worse. What's the point of having strength if you can't create the world you want to see with it? What's the point if he couldn't save the people closest to him? What was the point of Suguru Geto existing if not to be strong for the sake of others?

Shoko's words snap him out of it, recounting all those traits of his that she held dear - traits he'd forgotten about or had simply never been aware of in the first place, traits that had become scarce if not outright disappeared as he lost more and more of himself. "I'm not sure if I'm any of those things anymore..." He mumbles, wide eyes finally looking away in shame. Kindness... Was he sincerely capable of such a thing anymore? How could she see so much good in him when all he couldn't even bear to look at himself in the mirror anymore? He didn't understand how she could still believe in him after everything... He wasn't anything like he used to be. He was empty. His once neatly-kept hair was now tangled and thrown haphazardly into a messy bun. He could hardly smile anymore, much less laugh. What was there to hold onto there? What was there to miss? How did she still care?

He feels so selfish when she points out how they'd all been affected by Haibara's death. Of course he wasn't the only one suffering - there weren't many students at Jujutsu Tech, so they all knew each other. More than that, they were all friends - there were so many good memories between the five of them, going to the arcade, celebrating birthdays in the classroom, training together... And now all that was left was a hole in all of their hearts. Of course Shoko was suffering... She was the one that had to deal with his corpse. She was the one who would have to deal with all of their corpses when they inevitably met the same end. He should've considered that before he brought him up... But he can't agree with what she says, not all of it at least. "I know we can't control everything... But exorcising curses is the one thing I can control. Taking on this responsibility for the sake of others sorcerers is the one thing I can do, isn't it? Even if it's hard, if I can keep our comrades from suffering the same fate, then... How could I live myself if I don't at least try?" What other meaning was there to find in the things he had to do? Because it certainly wasn't protecting non-sorcerers. He just couldn't let go of the feeling of responsibility that had been so deeply instilled in him. He had to do something. He had to...

"I can't stop swallowing curses, either... It's the only way I can use my technique. I hate it, but... I need to do it. It's all I have..." Because his physical strength certainly wasn't going to cut it, not with how much weight he'd lost, the muscle hardly clinging to his bones. Exorcise, absorb, repeat, even if it makes him sick to his stomach. Even if he feels less and less like himself with each curse he swallows. He flinches a little as the rest of his wound is healed, before he finally lifts his eyes to look at Shoko's face, feeling his guilt sit heavily in his stomach as he hears her voice waver and sees her eyes water. He didn't entirely agree with her, he couldn't - but it still hurt to see her so upset. She was his friend. Shouldn't he be focusing on comforting her instead of defending his own self-destructive actions?

"Shoko..." He murmurs, his voice soft as he lifts a hand to her shoulder, an attempt to give her some sort of reassurance where his words failed. "... You're right. It's all stupid..." He sighs, chewing his lip as he tries to figure out what to say. What more could he say? "I'm sorry. I'm sorry that you have to deal with all of this and that I can't do what you're asking of me... None of this is really fair, is it? That we have to go through this just because we're sorcerers, while everyone else enjoys their youth..."

*weak*. All these sorcerers can talk about is *weakness. Strength. Who's the *strongest.* Power. The resentment in his voice. She took it personally. She can fight. She can hold her own. Does it mean her value as a person is any less because of her size? Or worthless for being caged in as just a healer?

Shoko's jaw tightens. Her breath hitches at the name *Haibara*. Her friend. One if her *favorite* friends she was deeply close to. If only she could have been with him, close by. Healed him. Lay eyes on those bright brown eyes own more. The late night talks, the gifts, the jokes and laughter- were all a stolen from her. From Haibara!! Now, her days are spent solely buried in a book.

Day in, day out, study study study. She needed to cheat to even keep up with the curriculum. More dead bodies. More death. Experimentation, it felt so inhumane. Sorcerers weren't cattle. They aren't some cow you needed to beef up. They are people. People that also needed protection. And for what? For sake of strength and power? By who? The very same people who's trapped her in her this very career? The same poeple who led Haibara to *his* death? A sick joke this was. All a heinous joke. A long running gag that she was learning to run with.

Her RTC abruptly stops. Her places her full palms on Geto's back. The wound was 99.9% done, and thus no need to worry about infection.

The resentful, overbearing ropes that bound her to her career grew tighter. Her wrists, her ankles, her mind were chained to her employment. It made her.....angry. She could feel the adreline tricking into her system, like the very IVs she worked with everyday. Geto's words, albeit relatable, was pushing her over the edge. It seems as though when Haibara died, he took some of Shoko's patience with him. It wasn't fair. It wasn't fair for Geto to think of her this way. Even if he didn't directly mean it, it sure as hell still hurt. The pang in her chest was elbowing its way to the surface.

Shoko places some of her weight on the palms resting on him.

"There's a lot to address there, Geto," she retorts, her voice becoming stone cold. "Weakness....clearly, you sorcerers need to get a grip. You place your *entire identity* on this strength vs weakness bullshit that it's eating away at all of you. And for you, Geto, quite literally. There is more to you than your strength and power. You're my friend outside of that. Do you think I'm going to drop you at a dime of a hat just because, let's say something happens to you where you become debilitated? You're sweet. You're kind. You're polite. Intelligent. A wonderful strategist. Your hair is that of a shampoo commercial. I miss the long talks about the books you read and the art museums we use to visit. Culture is a big thing. I can see you become a historian one day. Your laughs are pleasure to listen too. I miss them. You're not a one dimensional robot. Placing your entire identity and value in one factor is not only harmful, it causes distress. Unnecessary distress!!! You're a person, not a product!! Look at yourself in the mirror and see the whole you, not one tiny little peace. You're worthwhile just as you are."

She sharply removes her palms from him. Her hands ball to a fist at her sides. She struggles to keep her voice low. Tears well up in her eyes, and the lump in her throat pushes against her voice, causing it to quiver. She does her best to swallow it down.

"Haibara's passing hasn't only affected you. It's affected us all. I miss him already, and we can all agree he was unjustly taken from us. 'Should of, would of, could of', doesn't help us. It doesn't serve us any greater healthy purpose. It doesn't assist us in moving forward in our grief, but only stifles us. 'Should of, would of, could of,' only rips us apart. We can't control everything. We can't control what happens around us, only in front of us. It's *not* our job to correct other's wrongs, worry about things bigger than us, or protect everyone around us. I-it....it's too big of a burden to bear. You're g-going about this all the...the wrong way. It's not our-...." Shoko sniffles, "responsibility."

"And as for your gross curses......." she sighs, holding back her tears. He truly loved Haibara, and the last thing she wanted was to meet more of her friends lifeless at the morgue. "You.dont.have.to.eat.all.of.them. Just the ones you *feel* like eating. Or any. Fuck it......hell, swallow none of them." Shoko places one hand over the last 0.1% of the injury that was left to heal, and finishes the job. "I fucking hate this..." she mutters, her voice on the verge of breaking. "It's fucking stupid."

[esther-dot]

apologies in advance for the length. like grrm, i need a good editor.

hi there,

i just read your answer to another anon about abuse victims. it was dm’d to me by someone who admired your answer. i admired it too, but i must admit, when you said something along the lines of, "despite their abuse, nothing is going to change the fact that they've done things that make me think badly of them," i let out a huff of exasperation, not directed specifically at you but at the whole situation, because what you said is exactly how i feel about cersei. yet, i've been jumped on, and lectured, and had aspersions cast on my character because i admitted that yes she was abused and it was horrible, but i still hate her for the things she's done and am not interested in feeling sorry for her or talking about her hardships.

i know you truly believe the sansa fandom cares about all abuse victims. i’m a sansa fan myself and i wish i could agree with you. but from what i've seen with my own eyes, time and again, it simply isn't true. i think the sansa and cersei fandoms care about a certain type of abuse victim, specifically "the beautiful woman who's suffered because of the patriarchy." i’m not knocking that in itself; those women are deserving of sympathy and understanding. but it doesn’t change the fact that there are some noteworthy differences in the sympathy extended by cersei fans to cersei, and the lack of sympathy they extend to other types of abuse-victims-turned-villains. (i speak of the sansa fandom and the cersei fandom interchangeably here, not because i think sansa is a villain, but because there's such a huge overlap between the two fandoms; there are exceptions, but for the most part, it's mostly all the same people)

an example: cersei, the beautiful able-bodied woman, can wish rape and torture on the septas who abused her, and that's okay, that's forgivable, yes it was bad but according to her fans they can still enjoy her as a character and feel sympathy for her because the patriarchy has been so, so mean to her. but, according to those same fans, when the disabled man wishes rape on the sister who abused him, well that's beyond the pale, that's repulsive, that's a bridge too far, he's forfeited any right to compassion and they don't care about the abuse he's suffered and neither should anyone else! that’s just one example of many that i could give.

don’t get me wrong, it's very fair to say, "i recognize that tyrion was abused and it's horrible, but i still hate him for what he's done and don't want to talk about his hardships." i feel that way, too. please don’t mistake anything i say here as me being a tyrion fan because hell no lmao. but if you’re going to say that, then you also have to accept that others are going to feel the same way about the villains you do like, and those people shouldn’t be shamed for it or automatically have bad motives assigned to them. not everyone who hates cersei is a misogynist. many of us are simply people who rightly hate cruel, selfish, abusive rapists, which she is, and her sad past doesn’t change how we feel about her.

my point - and i do have one - is that there are huge double standards from all parties involved, and if cersei's fans and defenders truly think they’re not just as guilty as everyone else of being hypocritical, they’re demonstrably wrong. 

i anticipate that there will be many who read my comments and protest "well, this person needs to understand that we're defensive of cersei because she gets so much hate from the fandom" and so i’ll say upfront that, one, i already know and understand that, and two, i still think it's a poor excuse. do you honestly think dany fans aren't defensive of her because of the very vocal, relentless hate she gets from some parts of the fandom? do you think tyrion fans aren't defensive of him because of the ableism he receives? and besides, since when did other people being hypocritical and behaving badly make it okay for us to be hypocritical and behave badly? it doesn't. other people behaving badly doesn’t mean we’re not responsible for controlling our own behavior. we’re not children.

I am so sorry that people hopped on your posts and called you that, anon! I think it’s the nature of the internet that we all feel much freer to be jerks, but the ASOIAF fandom always dials things up to eleven. I understand your frustration that people didn’t give you the benefit of the doubt and try to understand what you were saying. I appreciate the fact that your anger didn’t override all your humor when writing this ask. I did LOL over Martin needing an editor because I have said many times that I wish he’d worked with one he trusted from the beginning so he’d have told them his endgame and they could have helped him prune things before he let certain branches grow out of control. Alas!

I am at a loss as to how to respond to this ask though because while I believe you that individuals have treated you badly, agree that not liking certain villains says nothing about your character and that harassing other fans is wrong, I still strongly disagree with your conclusion about the Sansa fandom.

I understand if this was more of an opportunity to vent your feelings rather than an opening for a conversation, but I went back and forth on posting this at all, because implications of this ask could be so deeply offensive, but I finally decided I would only if I pushed back against some of this. Not with the expectation of changing your mind, I think an experience like yours would prevent anything I can say from altering it, but all the same, I will share my perspective.

Let’s begin where we agree.

it's very fair to say, "i recognize that tyrion was abused and it's horrible, but i still hate him for what he's done and don't want to talk about his hardships." 

This is a good statement. Sansa fans in my corner of the fandom rarely write meta on Tyrion, but I did say this a year ago when asked about our fandom double standard/not being sympathetic/talking about his abuse:

If I ever were to write about Tyrion, I would have to write about the abuse he suffered. Typically, I only mention him when writing about Sansa, so I’m focusing on the threat he is to her/the North, rather than considering his perspective. So, yes, it’s all very one note, but that’s because I’m not even trying to represent his side. And of course, there’s the fact that the fandom as a whole habitually faulted Sansa for not being happy with her fate, rather than acknowledge her perspective. But, I agree that (just as I do for Cersei), we are intended to feel sympathy for him. (link)

So, I feel like you’re trying to argue that my fandom is bad because we don’t do something that I, and several in my circle, have previously said is part of writing about Tyrion. In fact, reading your ask and then my old post, I think I’m probably more sympathetic to him than you are? I don’t judge you for it, I don’t care if you like Tyrion or if you like Cersei, I’m just pointing out that my experience in the Sansa fandom and the conclusions I have come to based on that experience are very different from yours. The linked post was received very well by my circle, so you’re trying to use something against us that has little merit in my eyes.

Martin writes his villains with the intention of explaining why they function as they do rather than leaving them as one-dimensional caricatures. The other day I tried to explain to another anon with similar feelings to yours why it is easier for me (and I’m guessing many Sansa fans) to engage with content sympathetic to Cersei even though we can’t do the same for other villains:

When I think about what I’ve seen written about Cersei and Lysa, it’s  trying to push against the fandom, and even against the author at times,  and say, “these women deserve sympathy too. It doesn’t change who they  are, but their past should allow us to see their humanity.” Sympathy is the end goal. My issue with the fandom at large is that they go further and want to use sympathy  to argue something else, want to move, say, the Hound from one role and  shift him into another. Suddenly, sympathy means pretending he didn’t  assault Sansa, he wasn’t a threat, she didn’t think he might kill her. I  don’t feel like it’s more important to sympathize with Cersei than the  Hound, I just don’t have an issue with sympathizing with her when that’s  all anyone asks, but I do have a problem that half the fandom rewrote who the Hound is because they sympathized.  (link)

It isn’t so much that I care more about pretty women than disfigured men that makes me happily read about Cersei and not other villains (I don’t really write about her either), but that, discussion of her is always with the underlying understanding that she is a villain. However, the Hound, Tyrion, and many other characters are removed from that category by the fandom. To speak of them as such is deemed controversial even though the author himself has designated them as such. I don’t consider this a tit for tat with the rest of the fandom, I try to ignore them, I say this because my fandom and the ASOIAF fandom at large are functioning in two different worlds, doing two totally different things when talking about these characters, in pursuit of two radically different goals.

I can sympathize with villains, that is what I am doing when I talk about Lysa, Cersei etc. The context (our understanding of their roles and what the author is doing with these characters) and the goal of our posts matters, so you can understand why in this fandom, I don’t feel free to engage with Tyrion or Hound sympathetic content because that is typically coming from people who romanticize them and their actions, even assault. We can argue about the wisdom of Martin making Tyrion a villain, but recognizing that I am someone who operates with the understanding that he chose to do that, while the fandom actively denies it, goes a long way in explaining the disparity in treatment you’ve found. And yet, in spite of this disagreement, I don’t harass those fans, that’s a gross thing to do. I simply choose to stay in my own corner and not talk about him except when he comes up in relation to Sansa. If any Sansa fan wants to do more, great! But I’m happy with my choice there.

I don’t remember the specific phrase, but there’s an idea of charitable reading in which, instead of jumping on things and misinterpreting them, we really try to understand what was said and view it in the most sympathetic light possible. That is what my first anon was wishing we would practice more of in regard to the series, and you are asking that we also practice this with our fellow fans. I think you both have a good point, and I will try to do that. I can have my strong negative reaction, set it aside, and then try to focus on the writer’s intent as a distinct thing from which of my buttons they pushed. This too is something we would agree on because it’s the treatment you are asking for. Sansa fans in the past didn’t read your thoughts charitably and you suffered harassment for it. Instead of understanding that Cersei is an awful person and you don’t like awful people, they said you are an awful person and that’s why you don’t like her. Of course you object! Unless you were being misogynistic in your criticism of her, that’s unfounded.

However, this is where I take exception to your ask. Just as you do not wish to be called a misogynist for hating Cersei, I do not wish to be called ableist for reaching my limit with Tyrion.

Now, you didn’t outright call me ableist, and maybe you didn’t even mean to imply it, but you indicated something was off about us sympathizing with Cersei, not Tyrion, by first saying we like a “type” of victim, and then the way you juxtaposed able-bodied and disabled here:

“cersei, the beautiful able-bodied woman, can wish rape and torture on the septas who abused her, and that's okay, that's forgivable, yes it was bad but according to her fans they can still enjoy her as a character and feel sympathy for her because the patriarchy has been so, so mean to her. but, according to those same fans, when the disabled man wishes rape on the sister who abused him...”

I wouldn’t even say I truly hate Tyrion (some fans do), but I certainly emotionally disengaged with him in ADWD, and it really feels to me that you’re saying that although you’re not a Tyrion fan either, the way we aren’t Tyrion fans is worse. Obviously I object to that. You know before I say anything else what I’m going to say, as you too are a Sansa fan, but I’m still gonna say it because I can’t let this sit in the ether unchallenged and I am baffled by the insinuation (that I feel you made, perhaps that was not your intention?)

It is only rational for a Sansa fan to read ASOIAF and think,

“Well, I don’t like that this little girl was forced into a marriage with an adult and he wants to have sex with her”

or

“I don’t like the fact that if Sansa were to have sex with him she’d likely get pregnant and then be killed but he hates her for not returning his sexual interest even though he knows she is way too young”

or

“I don’t like the fact that he resents her even though anyone would have a hard time coming to love a family member of someone who killed their family--he knows this--and yet!”

… you get the idea. If any other man was in that position we’d be pissed about it too. It’s normal for fans to view everything in terms of how it impacts their fav, and Tyrion is a specific threat to her. Not because he is particularly evil, but because marrying Sansa to a Lannister was an attempt to use her body against her family, her people, against herself. I’ve mentioned this many times before. Not having sex with Tyrion is a way to protect the North and her own life; therefore, Tyrion’s sexual interest in her is a threat. As a Sansa fan, I get angry.

It is part of the story that other characters are ableist and view Tyrion as far worse than he is (although Sansa recognizes that he treated her better than others), and it’s a dark kind of joke to have Lysa talking about how awful he is although we know that Tyrion intervened to protect Sansa, didn’t have sex with her because he knew she didn’t want to even when she was prepared to do so, and that it is Lysa herself who later tries to kill Sansa! Clearly, the formerly beautiful victim of the patriarchy is painted as far worse than the man their society vilifies. I’m definitely sensible to this. As a Sansa fan, I take that to heart.

And yet, I hardly think it means anything bad about a person that they say, “you know what, Tyrion wanted Sansa’s birthright, he wants to have sex with this little girl, I don’t like that.” It has nothing to do with ableism,  everything to do with making a moral judgment on the very reasonable grounds of objecting to kid x adult relationships. Do we like this behavior or not? Obviously how he is  treated by his family explains things from his perspective, and we can feel for the man who wants love, that moves me, but it does nothing to change what his wants mean for Sansa.

Also, maybe part of the reason why your ask seems totally disconnected from my experience with Sansa fans is that, I’m not in the Sansa fandom at large. I’m in a little corner of the Sansa fandom that dislikes adult men who lust after little girls. That means I don’t interact with BNFs (except that stumpy fucker, you know the one 😉) as they are or support those shippers, I have all those ship tags filtered, and I’m repulsed that the fandom has so normalized this behavior that objecting to it is what gets you ostracized, not the other way around. This isn’t Tyrion specific. I don’t like the Hound, Jorah, Rhaegar, Littlefinger, Drogo...there are too many to list, basically, I don’t like it when adult men have a sexual interest in little girls. Cersei was never presented as a sexual predator for Sansa, making her villainy easier for me to stomach.  Maybe that is insufficient explanation for you, but I think it is very understandable why my reaction to her is distinct. And, I would ask, grant me (us) the fairness you want for yourself. Read our feelings with the same openness to understanding you deserve. Because, if you deserve it (and you do), we deserve it too.

If I can understand that you can’t emotionally engage with Cersei because of the awful things she does, you can understand why I can’t engage with Tyrion because of the dark point he reached when he, not only did the above, not only wished for Cersei to be raped, but said he wanted to rape her. "And the only reward I ask is I might be allowed to rape and kill my sister." (ADWD, Tyrion VII). I’ve said before this villain arc isn’t something I would have ever written, but Martin did, and fans are allowed to dislike villains based on their villainy. You agree with me there! And yet...there was an implication that your hatred of Cersei was pure, where my disinterest in Tyrion is flawed. I think that’s silly.

If we’re both willing to recognize that we can hate these characters for their actions, that we have reasons other than being crappy people for disliking specific villains, we can then take that understanding and recognize that we have different triggers, and we can simply disengage with each other’s content without fabricating reasons for why the other person feels what they feel when the reason is right there.

Of course, perhaps you didn’t mean to imply we’re ableist, maybe you meant to say that we don’t care about male victims, only the plight of ASOIAF women. I wrote this the other day too:

But something for people who share your concerns to remember is that, the discussion of how women are treated in Westeros interests a lot of us so we hone in on that more than specific acts of violence. It isn’t that we think their trauma is more important exactly, it’s part of a discussion  overall that we’re interested in. The series is quite violent, most characters have suffered violence, but I think our corner likes to talk about the suffering of women, specifically, likely as an extension of our real life concerns. I don’t talk about the physical abuse Sansa suffered as much as I do her forced marriage. That’s objectively weird if I were interested in weighing suffering against suffering, and deciding who has the greatest trauma, but it’s a specific kind of terror for women to lose bodily autonomy, to be married off or forced to have children or forced to undergo an abortion on the whim of the man who happens to be in charge of you at the time. I’m guessing that’s why certain forms of abuse/trauma preoccupy us. We’re interested in a larger conversation that drives some of what we’re examining in ASOIAF. (link)

So...it isn’t that I don’t care about the male characters or the abuse they suffered, but the discussion about these victims fits into different themes and one theme is something I’m drawn to. My fandom has talked about how certain women have sexually abused men, so it isn’t the case that our interest has impacted our ability to recognize their wrongs or that we have neglected them altogether. And we have also talked about age differences and power imbalances in relationships in which a man is the victim. We’ve actually been called misogynistic because we’ve condemned certain female characters for how they abuse others, so truly, this isn’t something we’ve ignored! It’s just for some of us, Martin’s discussion of how women are used and abused by Westeros is of particular interest so we write about it more.

I realize I may have honed in on the specific word choice rather than grasping the whole picture. Perhaps your intention was to point to all these things about Cersei as a way of describing Cersei’s privilege? The privilege of certain villains in-world, and to suggest that we fans have unwittingly been suckered with some combo of superficiality, reverse sexism, and ableism? Well, if this is truly a matter of privilege, and that is actually what we’re looking to, then why must I sympathize with Dany rather than her victim? In comparison to Mirri, she is  privileged. And if that is what is “right” according to the fandom, to prioritize Dany’s feelings over Mirri’s life, why mustn’t I do the same for Cersei? Trick question! I’m not doing that with Cersei. I do sympathize with Tyrion (her victim), so the real question is, why is it fine to do that with Dany?

I only mention Dany because of this:

"well, this person needs to understand that we're defensive of cersei because she gets so much hate from the fandom" and so i’ll say upfront that, one, i already know and understand that, and two, i still think it's a poor excuse. do you honestly think dany fans aren't defensive of her because of the very vocal, relentless hate she gets from some parts of the fandom?

And I take exception to this because we accept that Cersei is a villain and acknowledge her crimes. The fandom isn’t doing that for Dany and have conveniently labeled criticism of her as hate. To me, this is the same thing as labeling my statement that the Hound assaulted Sansa as hate. Sure, his fans don’t want me to, but he put a fucking knife to her throat and threatened to kill her. He did. So when show fans call Dany a monster, a mass murderer, they’re saying that because she is. D&D made her do that, made that comparison. And if we’re talkin strictly bookly, it isn’t hate to say,

“hey, when this white woman burned alive a rape victim whom her husband enslaved, idk fam, maybe that means she’s not a hero”

or

“ya  know, we all say Martin is a pacifist, maybe he doesn’t want us to   support Dany’s war campaign that leads to the rape/death of numerous people and is funded by slavery.”

Yes, of course people who don’t want to believe Martin will write Dany as a villain dislike us for saying this and call everything we say “hate,” but isn’t this us refusing to be blinded by her pain, blinded by her beauty, blinded by her privilege and saying, nah, this is bad. And, what is objectively worse, an author who says that shit is part of a hero’s journey, or an author who says, this is the descent into darkness? Is it actually hate to insist he didn’t intend us to defend her actions?

Confession, I sympathize with Dany too, but I don’t need to write about that because everyone does. What people don’t do is admit that burning people alive is bad, that overseeing the slaughter of children is bad, that making money off of slavery is bad...I mean, I could be missing the forest for the trees, but I just don’t buy that the rest of the fandom’s attitude is about treating these characters fairly based on any sort of objective standard.

It seems to me the issue is that how we (my part of the fandom) treat these characters is not based on how the fandom values them. It seems to me that the fandom is upset that some of us don’t fall in line and condone or condemn these characters the same way everyone else does. But seeing as I’m not claiming villains aren’t villains or redefining morality in order to insist certain actions are heroic, I’m not the one who doesn’t have a clear standard here. And I say that because I think you’re the anomaly by actually viewing Cersei and Tyrion as both villains and hating them both. When I was roaming the wilds it looked to me as if most of the fandom actively defends and sympathizers with villain behavior (without acknowledging it as such) except when it comes to Cersei. Hence the rise of people interested in saying, uh, maybe there’s humanity here too?

I’m not saying that’s your stance on Dany btw, I have no idea if that was your feeling about what we say regarding Dany or you were just quoting others, but making the comparison with what we do with Cersei and what they do with Dany doesn’t work for me. Cersei is a villain, I sympathize with her. Dany is a villain, I sympathize with her. I don’t like the fandom because they say Cersei is and don’t, and Dany isn’t and they do. It isn’t hate for me to say, oh, her dad wanted to turn KL into a funeral pyre to become a dragon and Dany ended book one walking into a funeral pyre to get dragons. Wonder if that means something. I know what that means. Neat! 🫣 If Dany fans are receiving sexist hate the way Sansa or Cersei or Cat fans do, I condemn that wholeheartedly, that’s disgusting. I’ve blocked hundreds of accounts and still get messages taunting me about Sansa getting raped. This fandom can be horrifying, but reasonable interpretations, even if the conclusion is something you disagree with, aren’t the same thing at all as harassing other fans or needless character hate.

On a personal note, I had a very strong negative reaction to this ask because while I do want people to be free to present alternative interpretations of characters and scenes, and I invited my previous anon to talk about other villains more sympathetically than some in our fandom, I did not intend to say it is open season on Sansa fans. I had to ignore the ask for a while because I realized, it probably wasn’t intended the way I took it, but even when I finally wrote a response, I had to delete it. I had to do that a few times. 😂 My point is, I did make an effort to actually engage here rather than dismiss your point out of hand. But I have to say, I feel so strongly about this issue, if I saw the Sansa fandom the way it sounds like you do, I wouldn’t be part of it. Perhaps I have done too good a job of curating my experience (something I’m dedicated to), but from my perspective, this is the corner of the fandom that does take the issue of abuse seriously, to the point that we will condemn fandom favorites (Dany, Tyrion too--he is a favorite. I still consider myself a show fan because I got into GoT first so I had to squint at this ask and wonder if this is a “valyrian scroll” side of the fandom issue because the GoT fandom adores him, even Sansa fans like him!) in order to fairly apply those standards. I can’t demand people like who I like or hate who I hate. (The character I hate the most is Rhaegar--loathe him.) All we can ask is some consistent standard, and my part of the Sansa fandom has it. Saying that likely makes me part of the problem in your eyes, but it is what I believe is true. In my eyes, it seems like you’re equating things that can’t really be compared. Our context and goals when talking about these characters are totally different.

If this is a conversation you think there is anything to gain from continuing, please DM me so you can explain more about you thoughts on the disparity between how we treat victims in the story, or, if you write a take on a scene or character, send me a link and I’ll share it. Even if I don’t agree with your conclusion, I assure you, I have tried to resist the urge to hurl insults at people online in the past, and your message certainly reemphasizes the need to continue to avoid doing that. It is easy to assume the worst, and this is an good reminder for us not to.

Again, I'm sorry you had a horrible experience with Sansa fans, and that it left you with such a negative impression of the fandom. I hope you’ve found a little circle of the fandom (as I have) that is safe, caring, and fun. <3

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