#to the point that i shame myself and feel selfish for simply wanting to be seen as attractive or treated with genuine care

[lucky-clover-gazette]

sometimes i just kinda sit there and think about how it is genuinely difficult for me to conceive of myself being desired

[spinchip]

He keeps ending up in these situations- these soft, quiet moments with Zane where everything Lloyd wants to say is crowding behind his teeth before he swallows it all back down. He never felt bold enough to disturb the piece, or maybe he never felt sure-footed enough to navigate the conversation. The land around the topic of the Never Realm was still littered with landmines and sinkholes. Zane didn't talk to them about it.

They're stargazing. Lloyd was out here first basking in the rare alone time. He'd turned Kai away two hours ago when he'd come to check on him, but when Zane stood over him and blotted out the stars with a weak smile- Lloyd invited him to stay, and promised himself he wouldn't shelve this conversation for another day.

He's look at Ursa Major when he says it, "I'm Afraid you'll never be okay again."

There's a soft pause.

"I am okay, Lloyd." Zane reassures him in a voice that is so much more monotone than before the Never Realm, "Therapy has been extremely rewarding. I feel like myself again."

He sits up, propping himself up on arms that don’t tremble, “You’re not yourself, though.” He feels like he has to force the words out from behind the lump in his throat, “You don’t cook, or meditate, or bird watch anymore-” He stops to center himself, “...I’m scared you’ll never go back to normal.”

Zane is the quiet one this time.

Lloyd lies back down, feeling worse than before. They watch the stars trek across the sky.

“I believe this is the new normal, Lloyd.” He says very, very quietly.

Immediately Lloyd sits up again, twisting to face Zane, “How can you say that? Two months ago you were acting totally fine! Yeah, when you came back from the Never Realm you spent a whole month alone in your room... but then you were Zane again, and now- now you’re…”

“Different.” Zane finishes, “I have changed.”

“Yeah.” Lloyd turn forward, staring down in his lap.

No one says anything. Lloyd feels like he's royally blowing this conversation and making everything worse.

“...When I first returned from the Never Realm, I was... in a dark place. It was easier to hide and sort through things on my own, But I… had not dealt with it as well as I could have. After I spent that time alone and I returned to the team, once more joining with the group socially, I was still a mess. I did not know who I was, and I did not feel like anyone- not Zane, and not the emperor. So I looked in my memory banks and pretended.”

Lloyd looks back at Zane, who’s eyes are fixed resolutely on the moon and not Lloyd's reaction. “You… what?”

“I did not want to worry you. My theory was that If i acted like I was okay, I would be. I hoped I could figure it all out before anyone realized I was wearing a mask, that I could fix myself to the point where I could stop pretending.” He links his hands together on top of his stomach, “Then Cyrus Borg put me in touch with his therapist." Two times a week, every Monday and Thursday. Lloyd knew that. "She helped me realize that this act I was putting on was not a positive move for me and my recovery. It is not that I have regressed, Lloyd- i have simply stopped pretending to be who I used to be.”

“You were trying to protect us?”

There’s another pause, “It was partly selfish, too. I was… afraid. I was scared that if you and the others realized just how much I had changed, you would not see me the same. That the love you had for me would not be able to adapt to who I have become.”

“I- of course we would love you! Always!” Lloyd insisted immediately, “It’s not- I didn’t mean- I was just worried. I’m sorry.” He feels shame curdle in his gut at his earlier words, unintentionally picking at Zane's insecurity.

“I understand your feelings, Lloyd. You do not need to apologize,” He smiles softly at him and its not the same smile Lloyd is so used to, but it has its own warmth, “Change is not… a bad thing. The circumstances leading to this were, but this is what healing looks like for me at this point. I am figuring out who I am again- I do not bird watch or cook or meditate, no, but I think you’ll be surprised at how good my knitting has gotten.” He offers Lloyd another tiny smile, “I am finding my happiness again.”

“Is there anything I can do to help?”

Zane's soft blue eyes flicker back up to the stars and his smile turns gentle, “You are always helping, even if you do not realize it. All of you are.”

[nasgard]

I wouldn't have minded Viren's death the way it happened if it had occurred later. Maybe in the final season, but here it unfortunately left me feeling betrayed and disappointed.

I know the intention was to show that he was finally being completely selfless and humble, sacrificing his own life to save the people of the kingdom. But the way it happened, the journey leading up to his death, just seemed cruel and unfair to me. Especially when I think about everything that happened in his life.

First, we know that his journey to darkness began precisely because he used dark magic to save his son's life. He used dark magic to save others and to serve the king. In other words, he spent his entire life destroying his own body and soul to save other people's lives, to feed the people of two entire kingdoms because somehow their rulers were incompetent to do so in the first place. So, once again, he destroys his body and soul and ends his life to save people who are okay with dark magic being useful to them once again but still continue to hate whoever uses it.

Moreover, he is forced into this when he said he wouldn't do it anymore, when he finally felt free from it. And he dies repeating that he is a servant. Again, I understand the intention of showing that he is no longer selfish and power-hungry, but when I remember that his hunger for power came from the insecurity of being someone without importance and value, seeing him die saying that was very sad. As if he, a servant, could never be anything else.

So, no, I didn't like Viren's ending as it was done.

Honestly, I find myself wishing he had died at the end of Season 3 because it feels like all his development in the last two seasons was thrown away and served no purpose. Because if Viren remained dead and Claudia still chose to follow Aaravos, Soren doesn't discover the truth, then what was the point of bringing Viren back to life? What was the point of him being, as far as we know, the only person ever resurrected? What was the point of him being able to see a vision of himself from the future and the past? Why did he have visions of Aaravos' mirror? And his constant visions with Claudia? That obvious connection to the Star Arcanum served no purpose?

Besides, knowing the true reason for Aaravos' revenge plans simply makes the way he dealt with Viren, Claudia, and Sir Sparklepuff in the last three seasons very, very strange. And here, I'm not judging the character but the writers who crafted this confusing plot. Because noticing the similarities between Viren's and Aaravos' stories, I don't see why Aaravos didn't reveal that to Viren. I know that if he had treated Viren as he did in Seasons 2 and 3, he would have convinced Viren to stay on his side. But instead, Aaravos pushed Viren to a complete breakdown, to the point of wanting to give up dark magic.

And what was that about Lissa not wanting to shed a single damn tear to save her own son? Honestly, the revelation that Viren had to pull her hair to get the tear to save THEIR SON, when Viren had already made the greater sacrifice with his own body and soul, didn't make me mad at Viren, it made me mad at her. She even abandoned the kids afterward, and Viren is the only terrible parent here?

All that being said, Viren was my favorite character because he was the most complex, the most real, and the best written. With him dead, I've lost interest in continuing to watch the show, which is really a shame.

[landwriter]

1589 got me feeling&rambling and I'm so sorry beforehand that I can't keep it short and simple, as would probably befit the thing. Feel free to ignore if not interesting to you, still you are the one that comes to mind when thinking about Hob being morally grey.

That scene is always so painful to watch, mostly because Hob is behaving like such a sorry fool. He has really decked himself out to impress his stranger and misses the mark so dramatically.

(Whereas Dream seemingly has not held back either - I mean it's easily his hottest look, you can't tell me he didn't mean to make a lasting impression. So much disappointment on both sides.)

Cringe Hob as part of the dark Hob spectrum, his self-importance/selfishness showing - of course it's not pure fun to watch, but I'm always so fascinated by that flicker of pain (foreshadowing shame) that comes right to the surface in all his put on show, just before he orders the lamb. The contrast makes for a very intense moment, imo. And I am wondering, has he really left all of this behind by 1889? Or is he simply more smooth by that time (that's what I'm getting from the show) ? In fanfics his flaws are mostly depicted as minor or serving a good end in modern times, he is always such a goodie by then (and I love him, of course). But can we imagine just a trace of more questionable/offputting Hob in the mix (if only on impulse) - to be clear, I have no idea how that would work. Or should we just be grateful that that lies behind him (it certainly makes for a much more likeable character and a nicer love story)?

(me force feeding myself more of the horrible stuff I just wanted to avoid looking at)

It's a beautiful contrast: opulence and insecurity. Success and asking still for validation. I have Thoughts on each meeting (please send me asks about them) - ostensibly the very first fannish thing I did for this show, and also in my adult life, was rewatch the meetings and pause constantly and take - oh holy Christ over 4,000 words of notes.

I propose Hob is not acting like a sorry fool. Sure, some bits are clearly played for comedy. Hob is selfish, self-important, and given to hedonism. He is concerned primarily with his own comfort and the personal pleasures of life. But I blame 1589 pretty solidly on Dream. In 1489, after being asked what his experience is like, he answers Dream with an inarticulate statement spoken by a true person who just Digs The Experience of Experiencing: it's 'fucking brilliant' and 'all changing'. Dream asks how, Hob literally looks around the room like a student who forgot an essay was due, and names chimneys and playing cards. Handkerchiefs. Simple things - still sensual things - but simple ones. Certainly no sociopolitical discourse here. What will you people think of next, says Dream, deeply sarcastic and visibly disinterested. And Dream also asks him: but what is Hob doing with his time? This, too, he is under-prepared to answer. Soldiering, banditry, bit of printing press work. Hardly enough to impress this supernatural lord, and Hob can tell.

When he is granted, explicitly, another 100 years by Dream, it is not only a relief, but I think a part of Hob squares its jaw in that moment and says: I'll show him - I'll show him what I can do in a century, I'll earn his pleased regard. Not necessarily because he's even, you know, madly in love at this point, but because he's in it for the living, does not intrinsically have great ambitions, but does have someone who has a) seemingly granted him this greatest gift and b) is unimpressed with what he's doing with it. And he's lost everyone he knew. Dream is now his oldest acquaintance, and wouldn't it be nice if he liked Hob?

He knows only the language of what impresses other men, and this is what he achieves. But to Dream, both Hob's socially-valued successes and his deeply personal ones are terrifically uninteresting. They are not New Dreams To Spur The Minds Of Men. There is no new story in a man seeking fortune and having a wife and a child he loves. He is ancient as the first dreaming thing, and he is Bored. He is, in fact, soured on this meeting from the outset, when he says "Hello, Hob," which on my watch struck me, apparently, as extremely bizarre and of having a real air of Hob being In Trouble. (The only other times Dream says his name are at the first, looming and omniscient, and in 1789, - 'I suggest you find yourself a different line of business, Robert Gadling'. He does not say it at their modern meeting.)

I mean - how would you impress someone? Someone who was interested in your deeds? Putting on a nice little dinner and catching them up on your life, talking about your family, seems a decent enough shout. It's not like you can ask him about his life, he won't offer information when asked and only sometimes will correct you if you venture your own guesses. (see also: 1889 foreshadowing) Hob is feeling proud and triumphant, feeling like he's come far. He is obviously a bit obnoxious about it, but I do think Dream shows off his flaws far more in 1589 than Hob does.

Hob's greatest sin, here, is trying to be liked. His greatest regret is almost certainly not the spread he put on, but the moment he was really, truly, earnest - not underscored even by a subsequent joke - the moment he declaims that this is what he had imagined Heaven to be like (safe enough to walk the streets; good food; good wine) - Life is so rich, he says - and Dream looks away to listen to Will Shaxberd, and we watch real time as Hob's expression collapses. He had leaned forward nearly out of his chair in enthusiasm, and now he shrinks back, reminded again of the dangers of earnestness: being alone in it. Being ignored. Better to make a joke of things, which is why he tells so many around Dream, especially after being more open - it's clearly a matter of habit. (It is also, incidentally, absolutely unappealing to Dream, who really and truly looks at him for the first time in 1689, when he is stripped of the social niceties of men and reigns nothing in.) He eats. He frets. He has had another century, and he has failed to impress the stranger.

The worst moment, I think, is that Dream does not renew their compact. He does not ask Hob if he still wishes to live, and Hob does not get the opportunity to say "Oh, yes." He was given this gift for one reason: the stranger was curious about his experiences. Does the stranger seem still curious about him now? I wonder, honestly, if Hob thought he would see another meeting.

Has he really left that all behind by 1889? No - you hear it in his own words, 'People are almost always better than you think they are.' - the earnesty, and then the joke - 'Not me, though, still the same as ever.' Except it's not really a joke, is it? Hob is saying to Dream, I know you don't think much of me, well, I don't pretend to think much of myself. He still wants Dream's validation, of course, he's just trying to earn it differently. (It goes poorly.) He's smoother, but also more frustrated, more fed up, more hungry for knowledge of his stranger; and I think that's such an interesting point in time for him. I think he leaves little behind, and what he does leave behind, he dreams of. He's changed so much and so little, and I think you could really go in whatever direction you want depicting that and be convincing.

I can't speak to the fanon on Hob's flaws because I don't read nearly as much as I wish I could. While I don't personally think 1589 Hob was actually that questionable or offputting - at least no more than most people would be in that situation - I would love to see a modern fic where has the same flaws he's always had, where they come up maybe different than they would have several centuries ago, but they absolutely exist, it does have plot consequences. Bonus points if he is not being offputting for the purposes of rescuing Dream from the fishbowl - if his flaws exist independent of his relationship with Dream altogether. Bonus bonus points if Hob is the one whose character development needs to be developed and Dream is in a better place than he is. If anyone has fic recs feel free to drop them in the comments!

P.S. 1589 Dream, wow, yes, for sure. 10/10 would babble and get walked out on

[zeephyre]

CR3 EPISODE 78 SPOILERS

god. i love this fucking campaign. this one's gonna be long as shit.

despite how genuinely depressing this episode was, it also made me really giddy because i love hurt/comfort and there's no point of that if there's no hurt or angst.

im probably gonna go down the line with each member of bells hells, discussing what i can remember off the top of my head, i hope i don't forget anything in my rambles cause this was one of my FAVORITE episodes of the whole campaign and that's saying something.

i love ashton. i have loved ashton the most since the very beginning and for a lot of it i was really worried that ashton was deliberating running from opening up with bells hells while also going out of their way to have one-to-one convos with different members that were deep and insightful but never went as far as they needed to.

i am projecting a bit with analysis of ashton but taliesin does it best when rp'ing for ash and generally talking abt him in interviews. ashton reminds me of myself, which is not a compliment and is actually really terrible. ironically enough, ashton said the same thing abt fcg. i have spent a lot of time hurting myself by sabotaging the things i love, or embracing the worse parts of myself simply because it's become habit. there's always going to be a piece of you that finds the sadness, anger, guilt, emptiness, whatever -- comforting because it's all you've known.

ashton mourns a life that he never lived. i find myself mourning versions of myself that i would hate but still...yearn for them like an itch or an ache that comes from hurt. ashton wanted their family back, in whatever desperate, corrupted way he felt he should have done it, and hearing how he described feeling like he looked past the cautionary tale simply because he thought the pain they caused him should have meant something else made me think of imogen.

beautiful, sweet, powerful, dangerous, sad imogen temult. i won't comment on how everyone berated ashton because that's not really surprising nor was anything imogen said or did pertaining to ash shocking whatsoever. but... there's smth abt the destruction that ashton did to feel close to the idea of a family that doesn't really exist that just parallels so well with the fight that imogen has been undergoing since childhood. against the red storm, now against the call of ruidus, and the temptation and attachment she felt and still feels to her mother, despite everything liliana has done that jeopardizes everything imogen is fighting for.

abandoned by her mother, shunned by her own town, ignored and feared by her father.

going back to ashton again, there's smth to be said abt the guilt and shame that comes from making horrible choices that put yourself and the ppl you love in danger that forever changes the way they perceive you. I've done it. i had to fight to make things better. it can't be enough to love someone enough that would die for them, you have to fight to stay alive. if not even for yourself, for THEM.

i know it can be unhealthy to rely on others so much, but it's certainly not easy to fight for yourself when the foundation isn't there. learning how to love without throwing yourself on a blade is more important than self sufficiency. that comes afterwards.

i...don't like laudna's reliance on delilah briarwood this episode. i... there's smth very ironic about laudna being worried abt ashton's betrayal and the way he hurt her and the others with his deception and selfishness, coupled with my understanding of the absolute fucking insane, borderline stupid danger of even SPEAKING to delilah briarwood, let alone working WITH her.

i think it's hypocritical, but i don't feel any animosity towards laudna. just..sadness. delilah is a parasite. a disgusting, cruel, evil bitch who wants laudna to be... that weak little girl easily crushed under her thumb. she may preach abt laudna's latent power and potential, but laudna won't serve her purpose if she TRULY gains the strength to cast delilah aside forever. i don't think delilah was telling the truth abt their fates last episode, and that's why i so deeply want laudna to toss aside that defeatist mindset that has only gotten worse since episode one. maybe im wrong, maybe delilah was actually being genuine.

i kept watching imogens/laura's face during laudna's moments speaking with delilah alone, and it just made me sad because she didn't need to be alone. she had imogen, but she still felt the need to run and hide away. god i just want her to be happy.

i really liked the doll she made for ashton, even though delilah made it really creepy for no reason, the dramatic cunt she is. her assessment of ashton as being a child may seem rude or even a projection but to me it's the truth. ashton has not grown past his childhood. past abandonment and pain and mistrust and love that never lasts and always hurts. that shit followed them to adulthood and anyone who has any number of mental illnesses and childhood trauma will tell you that it's so easy to feel yourself stuck as a reactive, stubborn, bitter little kid trapped in a shitty cycle of pain. both ashton and laudna this episode felt like they were both broken, sad children interacting. laudna clinging to comfort from delilah, hiding away, mentally reverting to the person she was the last time she was in whitestone. ashton, clinging to his lost childhood and the acceptance of laudna's doll, the admittance that they'd never had a doll before. god... they're so sad, im gonna scream.

fcg apologizing for forcing faith down ashtons throat was sweet and so was ashton apologizing for being so bitter abt fcg's faith. now i just need fcg to apologize for the multiple instances where he put laudna in danger by casting turn undead with no acknowledgement of laudna afterwards.

fcg saying that ashton didn't love anyone or care about anyone hurt me a bit, because while i understood why they were saying those things, it was so... obviously untrue. before all of this, ashton has shown again and again and again how much he loves bells hells, and especially fcg. i know that ashton almost dying over smth so arrogant, desperate and foolish would make anyone question what someone's idea of "love" is, but still. it stung. maybe because i have been there. i know what it's like to be doubted and mistrusted because you ruined smth good callously and carelessly.

chetney... chetney really loves fearne. i don't care if y'all don't get it or if y'all still think chet is some joke character with no substance, I never understood that shit and i simply never will. chet and fearne probably have the best relationship in all of bells' hells -- and yes, that includes imogen and laudna because god knows those two have shit brewing under the surface that needs to be HANDLED, i.e: laudna being defeatist abt their relationship even tho it's barely begun.

chetney's a good man. him going after fearne was the best choice and im glad he gave her a couple laughs before she went off to wander. he cares about her so much, and he BELIEVES in her so much, and i love them. i LOVED the way he went in on ashton. hurting fearne by making a shitty decision and letting her bear the burden of watching ashton die right in front of her was... bad. it is very complicated but, that's pretty cut and dry.

i like him testing ashton again and again. telling him to leave but also being glad they chose to be brave and stay, and face the consequences of their actions. attacking ashton to see what all of any of that shit was even for. (im a little bummed that the shard didn't fully wake up yet but...i love the suspense im just impatient).

FEARNE. CALLOWAY. i love fearne, and i love the breakdown during the first part of the episode. it was such a raw moment and it established the tone of the episode so quickly. im glad that fearne knows that while ashton fucked up royally, her rejecting of the shard and complacence in ashton's plans was also royally stupid. i don't think her being terrified of taking the shard is bad or stupid, it's actually one of my favorite fearne character choices. no one ever actually asked her WHY she didn't want it, and when she said she didn't want it, it was still decided by the hells that the shard would go to fearne. (they're very shit at communication, poor babies). im happy that she specifically clarified that ashton did not threaten or manipulate her (plus he gave her many opportunities to not be involved with his bullshit if it made her uncomfy so im hoping the insane critters who keep treating ashton like some evil, predatory person finally stfu).

fearne being so scared of a version of herself that was sad, lonely, and "evil" to the point that she chose to believe that it was ashton's destiny to take in both shards is so... so rich. i hope she talks about that more in the next episode because i don't think she's EVER brought it up since exu. i don't think the shard would change fearne's personality but god the fact that SHE is so afraid of herself and what she's capable of.... AHHHH. love this damn party.

i hope liam knows that expect really painful roleplaying from him when he comes back cause i really do need ashton and orym interactions like i need air.

the choice to go to the fey realm was brilliant and i missed nana morri so it's a win for me. bells hells COULD have done what they've been doing for a while now, which is ignoring the pain they're all feeling and pushing forward, but ashton doing what they did was the straw that broke the camel's back and im GLAD because i have been begging them all to have real conversations with each other that don't get cut short prematurely for whatever reason.

i do hope that they do really lean into the self care aspect involving therapy and talking through their issues with ALL of the members present or even in groups, and it isn't just fun and games. they're prone to distraction. i love my little guys.

:( two weeks without bells hells. is it thursday, yet???

[sihtricfedaraaahvicius]

Let's gooo!

5,10,13,26 ....and 16 [because I'm in a selfish bitch mood right now lol sorry]

5. who do you feel most you around?

that'll be Danas when we're talking about irl, but I want to make a special mention to those who make me feel I can be me around online, because that's you and @foxyanon for sure. I've videochatted with you both for freaking hours and it cleanses my soul in the best way (that being said, you and I gotta call again sometime soon!).

10. what’s something you’re excited for?

I'm excited for the fic I'm currently writing (and taking my time with as I'm piecing it together) and I'm also excited for this Friday because Eivør's new album will be out! it's the little things, right? :)

13. what’s your comfort food?

past and chocolate, not together tho ;)

26. what movie would you want to live in?

Seven Kings Must Die. just so I can bang the beast of a man that my husband is. no shame.

16. compliment the person who sent you this number.

I will put this under a read more for you because...

oh I was waiting for this.

You know we hit it off as soon as we started talking on here, and it feels like I've known you forever at this point but.....

Girl you're a boss ass bitch, look at you!!!!! You graduated recently (I could never lmao) you're simply beautiful inside and out, and so incredibly funny, I think many may not even know exactly how funny you are. You are real and honest and at times raw, in the best way, and I fucking love that because we both are not hiding our struggles at all times and often let each other in on them, and that is why we are family at this point. You are one of the most trustworthy people I've ever met online and that's a big deal! I've told you stuff about myself/my life that has never come out which means you are loyal as fuck and we love that. You are so incredily strong and independent as hell too, which is such a great quality and you're a goddamn fighter too and you can't deny that. You are kind and warmhearted; your love for animals/cats is the best think ever and I know how vulnerable/emotional certain things can make you feel but that is also what makes you so so so beautiful because you have a HEART. You are smart (so damn smart) and so passionate about the things you love and that is so inspiring. You are always there when I need to vent about my mental issues and you have never judged me, in fact, I love how we never judge each other no matter what we tell each other (and we both know it's quite SOMETHING at times hahaha) and we are basically the same in that regard when it comes to a lot of things we witness online and irl or experience in general. You are always supportive and helpful (in so many ways, from helping me and Danas out irl to sparking fic ideas online!). You are openminded and creative and a dreamer, which is beautiful and I hope you will never lose that spirit because that is what makes you so you. You deserve everything and all the love in the world, and I mean that from the bottom of my heart and truly, I can go on for hours here but I will surely tell you about it more when we will finally meet later this year, and I can't freaking wait for that!!!!! I'm so grateful to call you my friend/sister and thank you for being in my life! I can't imagine not talking to you anymore like for real it would break my heart, let's not go there haha! I love you!!!

[firenati0n]

so I learned today that my dissertation that I thought I monumentally fucked up actually got the highest mark I could have achieved, and I am now the proud owner of a master's degree, and I may be getting fucking published, and a year's worth of tension and stress is finally starting to seep out of my body, and my nervous system can maybe have another fighting chance at regulating (unlikely), but—

The first thing my friends and family said to me was "proud of you!" and in the same breath they all, independently, said "you better also be proud of yourself" and then my mother said "your happiness always seems to be short-lived and fleeting, why is that?" and then she hit me with a "you stress yourself out to the point of illness and work yourself crazy only to enjoy none of the results" and—

boy howdy was I at a loss for words because she's right and i hate hearing my close friends and family echo the same sentiment of: I simply do not allow myself to enjoy any fruits of my labor???? I will bleed myself dry for validation and achievement and praise and love and then feel completely fucking insane for even wanting it in the first place.

It's why I stopped writing, why I abandoned so many threads. I wasn't getting any validation. I felt totally worthless.

and then I feel depths of shame previously unexplored at my Big Age for wanting some rest and peace (ironic that i beat myself up for wanting to recharge after I literally studied psych and wellbeing and the importance of rest!!).

I guess I just feel selfish for wanting to celebrate myself sometimes. And feel unable to be happy for myself because I hate boasting. So I'm going to hold myself accountable and say that I'm proud of all I've overcome to get to this point in my life, a point I did not anticipate being at 5 years ago, or even a year ago.

Onwards and upwards. 💛

p.s. I could not have finished that fucking dissertation without the emotional support of the gazillion rwrb fics I read throughout my writing process. I genuinely used ao3 as a coping mechanism and a rewards system for me to power through what was probably the hardest year of my life (for many reasons beyond academic).

to all of my writer/creator/artist/friend mutuals and the general rwrb fic/art community (I know you won't see this but i love you all the same), please know that any gratitude I express will never be enough. if I've ever screamed in your inbox or comments sections, know that it comes from a place of deep, genuine, at times debilitating emotion. y'all literally kept me afloat during some of the worst months of my life. You continue to keep me afloat. I don't know you, and you don't know me, but I know your words, and that is a privilege.

[sassenashsworld]

Songs that now mean something profound to me because of Fallout 4 and Fallout 76

We three (My echo, my shadow and me): As the trio Hancock, Nick and Nora is almost inseparable in almost all fanfictions (including mine) that I read, this song simply represents them

It’s all over but the crying: my life has been a loss for as long as I remember. What little I’ve always had, very little, has always been taken away from me without any consideration. And I’ve been talking since my very early childhood. Poor and definitely too much (my mother didn’t know that she was pregnant of me and I was unacknowledged when I was six or seven years old that she would have had an abortion otherwise), I had very little life and this very little seems an insult to the heavenly plans, since they are always taken from me. The most stupid and insignificant of the selfish joys that I seem to want to have is always taken away from me or otherwise, perverted to the point of making me regret. Today, after a long struggle to build a life for myself, I literally live on a reprieve... When it's play on the radio, I so feel Nora

The world on fire: a general feeling for the Nora/Nick synergy, I would not know how to describe more than feeling

Take me home : It’s so deep, it’s the bond that binds me to this wonderful community of Fallout 76. In the special 5th anniversary show that Kenneth Vigue did, when the song is performed by the violinist (sorry I have a white one this morning), it tears me away. This moment of "I belong to something" that the fallout 76 community gives me is defined by this song and just writing it puts tears in my eyes

Anything goes: The Heartbeat of the Commonwealth has literally been my Heartbeat this past year. I wouldn’t even be able to make it into the Fallout 76 community if I’d don't only hung on to this Fanfiction. When Nora and Nick sing this song as a duo, innocently, on the road to Goodneighbor at the very beginning of the story, it is so much a thumbs up to everything that is worse and destroyed in this world. It’s only a written scene and yet, she lives in my heart like a kind of: Fuck you destiny, I’m still here and I will continue to make myself heard

The wanderer : My life before my children was very similar to my life in Fallout 76. I went where I wanted, I took the job I was given. Always further north, sometimes coming further south. Day by day, now I’m here, tomorrow who knows, sleeping anywhere, talking with anyone. From 19 to 25, I was a wanderer and I loved this life.

Maybe : Here we get a little out of the track. This song has been with me in Fallout for... ever? I don’t currently remember if it became the representation of Fallout in the first of the series or the second (shame on me) but Maybe is all the energy, all the courage, all the hope that the whole universe of Fallout has always given me. And even today, at the twilight of my existence, it seems to me, I just need to hear Maybe to remind me that every time I felt trapped in my life, Tim Cain created a place where I felt good, free to be me. Maybe... maybe someone thinks of me... maybe... that I don’t exist in vain...

[showmey0urfangs]

I think something very interesting in Louis and Lestat's relationship is how they differ fundamentally in their approach to life and the world: Lestat is consumed by need (for love, appreciation, recognition, companionship), while Louis is consumed by guilt (towards his brother, his sister, the black community, God, Claudia but also guilt about his vampiric needs and, I think, about ultimately loving a murderous vampire). This makes them distant and resentful: Lestat thinks Louis doesn't appreciate being a vampire and being with him (he suspects Louis hates him, "your quivering, hateful lips") and sees little wrong in pursuing hedonistic and selfish goals; Louis goes through continuous cycles of self directed-hetero directed blame to try and find some peace. An example: the riots that followed Fenwick's murder are seen by Louis as a direct consequence of an unhinged and unjustifiable reaction, while Lestat thinks the day is to be celebrated as it marks Louis's final abandon to his uncontrollable and evil needs.

Claudia is finally a result of Louis's guilt and Lestat's need to keep Louis, to feel loved and appreciated. As much as I think Lestat has loved Claudia, I think he has always thought of her as ultimately Louis's: you wanted her, you fix her. You needed her, I needed you. The fundamental miscommunication is that Louis felt like he was building a family (in an attempt to silence his guilt and pain) so he thinks they are to deal with Claudia's misconduct together, while Lestat always wanted a romance, for which having Claudia was a price he was ready to pay.

To be fair idk if I'm making any sense but this show has been slowly but surely consuming my life and I've found myself wanting to write essays on it for no apparent reason lol

Hi anon, you hit the nail on the head. I would add that their lived experiences and Louis race also play a role in their approach to life. Lestat can afford to be reckless and do all these crazy things because he is used to always being the most powerful creature in the room.

Louis spends most of his life having to conform to a society that sees him as less than. The pressure from his family and his religious up bringing also contribute to his feeling of guilt and shame about his desires that he thinks are unnatural.

The scene in the confession booth really shows us how Louis is consumed by guilt to the point of self loathing and becoming a vampire does nothing to remedy this. Instead it adds one more thing to his guilt and shame. Now the family whose love he spent his whole life trying to earn hates him and thinks he's the devil, and then the business that was his only point of pride is in ruins.

Despite becoming a vampire, society still sees and treats him as inferior and this is something Lestat fails to understand. To him, Louis just needs to embrace being a vampire and all will be well, but it's not that simple.

You're also 100% right too about both of them using Claudia for different but equally selfish reasons. For Louis she is a form of atonement for the guilt he feels about the riots, and a way for him to fill the gap left by the rejection from his family. For Lestat she is simply a means to an end, just like you said, she was the price he needed to pay to make Louis stay.

[transenbyconfessions]

Tw : suicide?

I reckon I'm trans, but I feel an estrangement from the trans label. This is due to the fact that I'm quite low dysphoric. I've on & off identified as trans for 3 years. 'On', because I feel quite strongly as though being male is how I were meant to be, to the point where I feel excited to die due to the chance of being reincarnated as cis male. This also manifests as suicidal ideations. Despite experiencing mild dysphoria, I regularly experience 'euphoria'?. I feel comfort presenting as male, being assumed as male, identifying as male. It just feels...right. I could provide many examples, but I don't want this to get too rambly. However, 'off' is because I could continue to live the rest of my life as a woman, not comfortably, but indifferently. Why compromise the comfort of those around me, and stressfully pursue legal & social changes when I could simply just live presenting a way which is most convenient to my family & others, with indifference? I feel that doing anything otherwise would just be selfish, hedonistic. Especially considering there were no indicators throughout my childhood of being male which I can recall. To be honest, my ultimate goal is to just unapologetically be myself, labelled or not, and not sacrifice my own comfort for the comfort of those around me. But there's so much shame and anxiety in doing so.

Submitted April 23, 2023

[shmingleping]

I can't do this shit anymore. I just can't take it. I'm in the worst mental and emotional pain that I feel I've ever been in, and that says a fucking lot considering how bad it's gotten in the past. And im on my own with it. I don't know what to do with the massive amount of embarrassment, shame, guilt, and deep self-hatred. I don't feel it's possible to forgive myself and move forward from the fact that I completely fucked up my life; not only that but I did nothing about it for over 10 years which just allowed me to get worse and worse without fully knowing how badly I ruined myself until now, all just because I was afraid of doing the simple things people have to face everyday knowing they were probably unsure and scared as well but knew it would only be temporary and that that jump into the unknown wouldn't last forever and would actually lead them to more happiness than they ever thought possible. How can I forgive myself for ruining the years of my life that are usually dedicated to finding yourself, having new interesting experiences, learning so much more than what just a classroom could teach, going out of your comfort zone, and making the kind of friends you usually get to have for a lifetime? I can't. I can't tell myself that it's ok that I didn't get to do that, most especially because I'm the entire reason why it didn't happen. I've been alone for so long, that anytime anyone, like random strangers or someone from my past pops up in my life (whether their doing or by my seeking them out) I try so hard to hold on to them in such a way that I become the worst possible toxic kind of person who more than likely ends up driving them away by my words or actions... even if they treated me poorly at some point I am willing to take any kind of human interaction that isnt from the only person I actually have in my life (my mom) . Who I love (do I even now what love is? I feel like I'm just a fake, selfish, manipulative piece of shit person) She's so kind to me but I don't deserve it. By fucking up my life I unintentionally ended up completely ruining hers too. She isn't living the life she wants, and that's so fuckjng unfair of me to do to her, especially when I take into account the shit she had to deal with in her life before I took her dreams and threw them away simply because I was selfish and scared and fucking stupid. I hate myself. Even if somehow for whatever reason all of that could be "fixed" I still wouldn't be able to move passed those emotions of hate toward myself. I hate the way I look. Everything from head to toe is grotesque. I'm fuckibg disgusting. No amount of healthy food or workouts and weight loss will make that change. My mind and personality are also such shit I can't stand it. I just want to crawl into the enormous hole I started digging for myself 12 years ago and never have to come out. My life will never be what I wish it was. I've done too much damage and wasted too much time. I was doomed from the start just by being who I am. I just wish I could cease to exist without hurting anyone (aka mom; no one else will care I i can promise you that). I fucking hate myself so much I can physically feel it. I shouldn't exist. I should have never have existed. Fuckjng kill me.

[spiralemoji]

You don’t realize how much of a workaholic you are and how difficult of a time you have relaxing until you go on vacation

Like goddamn, i have mental issues

I can’t just sleep in like a normal person, there is literally 3 people awake on this island right now and two of them are people who are having to set up shop and work- and the other is an old guy taking a brisk walk on the beach.

But yeah, i wake up at 5am and shoot of bed, walk around the island with nothing to do, and there is literally no one awake. It felt good for 15 minutes but then i lost interest, mainly due to loneliness? And so i just started hanging up my clothes and trying not to have circular thoughts that will make me worse (as if i have any control at this point)

Ruminating about the future, ruminating about my own happiness, ruminating about things i don’t like about myself and my uncertainties and insecurities

You’d think goddamn just take a Xanax or Ativan or whatever the fuck and chill out and shut up right but nothing makes my head truly go silent

I wanted to say good bye to my obsessions but i said good bye to my obsessions 80 times in my head, 180 times maybe, maybe 900 times, i couldn’t stop saying it to myself because i want to say good bye to my obsessions

But i can’t stop, as it feels intangible out of reach something to do just for the sake of doing it, I’m always seeking, despite trying my best to fill myself up with gratitude and contentment and blah blah blah

It just never ceases, hypo manic energy almost overtakes me, and no one else seems to understand why i seem so un calm

I can’t stop, so i do things that no one else does. And pride myself on, the external validation of my own perfectionism and productivity like it’s a drug i get high off of or need to survive

Meanwhile in the background there is this burning self hatred and pointlessness, and feelings of isolation, and being trapped

Like a wounded child, and a wild animal in a cage biting to get out and scream, and tear into the flesh of those who deserve to be torn apart

Simply because i felt like it, and want to destroy and control whats inside of me but i can’t, so i lose myself to these waves of mentally ill thoughts and manic rage lashing out at everyone

While i psychotically hang my clothes perfectly in a row, everything is perfectly fine, all the time….

In my little world, all alone…. Nothing could cure this kind of emptiness and discontent

It’s the loudest when i go to places like this, because i really have no one and nothing else around to blame but myself, or the things greater than me which i don’t understand and could be figments of someone else’s imagination for all i know

What do i know, i know nothing, i rely on feeling and reaction, and trust none of it, as I flim and flam about no where to the next no where for no real reason

It all gets so boring sometimes, i can hardly come up with something i care to entertain, saving the world or watching it burn neither is satisfying,

I simply, don’t care, and i think oh, maybe if someone else cares maybe if someone else loves me maybe if i belong to something …. But i don’t connect. Despite claiming its all i want, i run from that the most of anything

I am tied up inside endless conundrums and unsolvable riddles that make no sense, lose ends that never meet, a maze you can never escape

The only hope I have is feeling of catharsis and relief, whether its from, losing consciousness, a shameful amount of sleep- drug induced, or overdosing

I had the best intentions but there is so much pain i carry around, and shame, and insecurity, its hard to let go of it all so easily…. And not care what other people think,

So i turn to poetry and music for release, and a few other things not as satisfying- my dopamine deprived brain, broken from the inside, i want a perfect body

They judge me, and say how could she be so selfish

I hate it too. I hate it too, but i can’t make it stop, i can’t fix myself, i need help.

Most people tell me to shut up and everything will be fine. It never really is though, i don’t know when it ever will be so i gave up waiting for the feeling and accepted the brutal fact of my experience here in life

Unfortunately isn’t the happiest experience, despite having everything you could of ever wanted.

And everybody hates me because I’m Gay. Narcissist…. Deluded, insane, psychotic, obsessive, neurotic,…. I have no character, no backbone, no work ethic, no cares. I am amoral, depraved, baseless, empty inside.

Drowning in a river of my very own device….. happiness is my own self destruction and demise

So at least it’s the path of least resistance, with least collateral damage, remove myself from the equation, quietly, slowly,

Floating down the river, giving up, suicide.

The only other choice i have is to hold onto hoping, despite all odds not being the best, bravely facing death, a martyr to what, my own ignorance

I can’t get past my own self, much less, ascend beyond that,

I wish i could, as if that would, fantastically heal the raw reality and aching wounds, festering with maggots that rot in my very core, my soul, and my most vulnerable, private places,

You, put them there, i blame you and take out fire on you with branded steel steering on your skin

Hating all men

I should know better than this, but its hard to pretend you can always control all your emotions

Wipe them out like they aren’t there, take a pill and pretend to be happy like everyone else, smile for the cameras

Don’t be such, a drag, get up and light someone else’s path, get off your knees

Feed the begging man, ask god for forgiveness as he strikes you down and plagues you, a leper with decaying skin, painful diseases, and sicknesses

Leaving you to rot like filth on the scum soaked sidewalks like the vermin you are

Worthless beguiled rotten …. You turned all of gods golden light inside your innocent baby body

And made a mockery of him. So he strikes me down, again, and again, and again. Flogging us senseless.

And i still hope for redemption. Purity, forgiveness. As if i can ever quit. My mind a dirty dumpster dive of imperfection and sin.

I’ll never be good enough for him……

[srhhrtmn21222]

Step Four - Sex

How was my sexual behavior based in selfishness?

For a period of time, I was not interested in having a real relationship. I simply wanted to have sex, and never see the person again. When I was dating this girl, we were in a polyamorous, open relationship. She was still seeing the father of her daughter, and I was having sex with a friend of mine. Because of my selfish desire to have sex, I was constantly ruining plans with her to go see the guy I was messing around with. Because of that (and my constantly drug use) she ended things.

2. Have I confused sex with love? What were the results of acting on that confusion?

One of the first few guys that I had sex with, I thought I was in love. I knew he had a wife (that he was separated from). Over time, I realized I was "the other woman". He would be with me for a few weeks to a few months, then he'd go back home to her (and lie about the things he would tell me). Every time he left her, I was there waiting with open arms, because in my head, I loved him. I broke off quite a few relationships due to him leaving her and coming back to me.

3. How have I used sex to try to avoid loneliness or fill a spiritual void?

While with my ex, I stayed with him to avoid being lonely. Which involved many sexual acts that I was not entirely comfortable with.

4. In what ways did I compulsively seek or avoid sex?

I used to party a LOT. The intentions were to meet someone new, have sex, and never see each other again.

5. Have any of my sexual practices left me feeling ashamed and guilty? What were they? Why did I feel that way?

In the beginning, yes. I enjoy being handled roughly, and I was afraid to express that desire. After a few partners, I determined that was pretty common desires and the shame and guilt drifted away.

6. Have any of my sexual partners hurt myself or others?

Yes. Someone that I used to regularly have sex with got to a point where he was too rough. One specific situation that I can recall involved a guitar amp cord. I left his house covered in whelps.

7. Am I comfortable with my sexuality? If not, why not?

Yes and no. Coming from a strict religious family, I worry about how my parents would view me if I told them I was bisexual. Now that I'm married, I don't see the point in telling them I'm interested in women as well as men, considering my husband and I are monogamous.

8. Am I comfortable with others' sexuality? If not, why not?

I am. I understand that love does not always conform to gender roles. I believe everyone should have the freedom to love whoever they want.

9. Is sex a prerequisite in all or most of my relationships?

In my younger years, yes. I wanted to know if we were sexually compatible before making any kind of commitments. Over the years, I found out that sometimes, you can have amazing sex with someone, but nothing more. And some times, the ones you love with all your heart may not have as much as experience as you, or may not be interested in the same kinks. I do know that if you truly love someone, the sex is just a bonus; not a necessity.

10. What does a healthy relationship mean to me?

Being able to trust each other, and communicate our individual needs. Not running away when things get tough, but being willing to work through your issues.

[newmusickarl]

5-9’s Album of the Month Podcast – Episode 2 out now!

The February edition of the 5-9 Album of the Month Podcast is now live, in which myself, 5-9 Editor Andrew Belt, Check This Out’s Kiley Larsen and Blinded by The Floodlights’ Matthew McLister review five high profile album releases from February, and ultimately name one as our Album of the Month at the end of the discussion.

This month, the five albums we cover are:

Desire, I Want to Turn Into You by Caroline Polachek

Lonely Hearts Killers by Nile Marr

This Is Why by Paramore

Food For Worms by Shame

Heavy Heavy by Young Fathers

If you want to listen to the new episode simply follow the link below, but also be sure to follow 5-9 Blog on Instagram and Twitter for more news and polls relating to the podcast, along with other great content like film reviews, sports articles and more.

Listen to the February 2023 episode here

Album & EP Recommendations

UGLY by Slowthai

The evolution of Tyron Frampton, aka Slowthai, in such a short space of time, has been nothing short of fascinating to witness.

First came his 2019 Mercury Prize-nominated debut Nothing Great About Britain, which was rough and raw at times but also full of this visceral energy that captivated audiences and helped to make him an immediate grime/punk crossover star. However, his career was almost derailed as soon as it had taken off, as a much-publicised interaction with Katherine Ryan at the 2020 NME Awards, in which he made sexualised comments towards her, brought about some very intense but also well-earned backlash for his actions. After making his public apologies and doing some much needed soul searching, he returned in 2021 with his excellent sophomore outing TYRON – an impressive 35-minute double album that showed greater artistic, as well as personal, maturity.

So here we are then just four years on from his big breakout moment and Slowthai has already had what feels like an entire career’s worth of ups and downs. The result of that is that you feel like the pressure cooker has been removed from around Slowthai’s work, making this third album without a doubt his best and most artistically liberated to date.

Opener Yum straps the listener in to the hot seat straight away, with ‘Thai repeating the words “I’ve been lacking motivation, I need an intervention” over an increasingly menacing and anxiety inducing beat. He then starts to describe conversations with his therapist and his drug-fuelled coping mechanisms, as the swirling electronics, distorted vocals and heavy breathing transport you directly into the melting pot of his erratic, troubled psyche. The production from Dan Carey is absolutely mind-blowing, as it ends with ‘Thai repeating the words “Excuse me while I self-destruct, ‘cause I don’t give a fuck” over sharp, harsh synths. It’s an absolutely phenomenal opener, with the intensity and experimental production drawing shades to Yeezus-era Kanye, Igor-era Tyler and Atrocity Exhibition-era Danny Brown all at the same time.

This almost suffocating production continues on recent single Selfish, which remains one of ‘Thai’s strongest tracks to date. Again, the combination of Carey and ‘Thai is awe-inspiring to hear, with a vortex of synths, drums and guitars surrounding Thai as he sings “And we got what we deserve, somehow we never learn – wastin’ lives out on the curb, while we all search for somethin’” It’s simply brilliant.

The high points just keep coming from there with the fantastic Jamie T-inspired tracks Sooner and single Feel Good, before the rhythmic blues of urban love story Never Again. The middle section of the album then brings the album’s two centrepieces, with HAPPY in particular an absolute tour de force. Riding a melancholic central guitar line, ‘Thai confronts his depression head on and sings of how he “would give everything for a smile.” The production is once again stellar, with the song erupting into a full-blown anthem towards the back end as the guitars take flight. Title track UGLY then follows, which is a glorious symphony of grunge as ‘Thai talks about the hideous nature of humanity and today’s world. Again, it’s just a staggering work.

The grunge continues on Falling, with ‘Thai proper flexing his vocal chops as his angsty, pained screams echo and reverberate amidst a spacey, atmospheric backdrop. After the punky Wotz Funny, beauty and ugliness then exquisitely collide on penultimate track Tourniquet, as ‘Thai’s stark vocals bruise the gentle piano and string-tinged instrumentation as he talks metaphorically of hacking away his broken pieces akin to Aaron Rolston in 127 Hours. Acoustic closer 25% Club then brings the album in for a safe landing, ending this rollercoaster journey with a song that is a polar contrast to the opener.

As you can probably tell I’m a huge fan of this record, with Slowthai really coming into his own thanks to a magical partnership with Dan Carey and a host of other great collaborators behind the scenes who help both amplify and finesse his vision. With inspiration from bands like Nirvana and Radiohead also coming through loud and clear too, this has very quickly become one of my favourite albums of the 2023 so far. A big step forward for Slowthai and an absolute must listen!

Listen here

UK Grim by Sleaford Mods

From grime/punk to post-punk now, as scene veterans Sleaford Mods have returned with their urgent new album, UK Grim. The duo of beat maestro Andrew Fearn and fire-spitting wordsmith Jason Williamson hit new heights on their previous outing Spare Ribs, which mixed first-class collaborations and some lockdown-inspired hot takes for arguably their sharpest and best collection of songs to date. Without reinventing the wheel, the duo build on that winning formula on UK Grim with another effort that ranks well within the top half of their stacked discography.  

The title track and lead single remains both immediate and infectious, with Jason Williamson taking no prisoners as he unleashes his sardonic fury on the current state of Tory Britain on this aggressive, electro-driven opener. DIwhy is then a spiritual sequel to Spare Ribs’ hit Nudge It, but this time around Williamson points his finger and razor-sharp tongue at posers within the post-punk scene itself, with quite frankly hilarious results. Force 10 From Navarone remains my favourite Fearn beat on the whole record, as the duo team up with Dry Cleaning’s Florence Shaw for a song that takes place within Jason Williamson’s own inner monologue. Battling feelings of cherophobia and questioning a passive UK public controlled by a corrupt government, it’s the Mods at their most urgent and brilliant best.

Whilst there may be a couple of moments where it feels like the pair are treading over well-trodden ground at this point, these are more than counteracted by some of the record’s highpoints. On The Ground for example may be their poppiest track ever and easily my favourite here, with a super catchy beat and instant refrain of “they’re on the ground and they’re gonna check you.” By contrast Smash Each Other Up sees Williamson look in complete despair at the current state of the country, as Andrew floats a minimalist and mournful electronic beat in the background. Jane Addiction’s own Peter Farrell then turns up for recent single and the album’s most pure punk moment, So Trendy, which comes over slightly irritating at first, but you’ll soon find yourself singing along.

Despite all these great moments, the duo still manage to save two of the album’s strongest moments for last. Tory Kong swings in on a vine made from a rumbling jungle beat, before closer Rhythms of Class marks one of the duo’s very best songs to date. A well-crafted but brutally bleak look at the reality that Britain now shares many of the same social and political problems of the countries the British public can often vilify, it’s a fittingly poignant end.

Overall this is another strong outing from Nottingham’s finest, with Andrew and Jason building on the groundwork they laid in Spare Ribs for another provocative, frequently incendiary yet occasionally funny and oddly catchy, dismantling of (Not So) Great Britain.

Listen here

Radical Romantics by Fever Ray

Elsewhere, Swedish electro pioneer Karin Dreijer aka Fever Ray released their third solo album and their first batch of new music in six years. Other than featuring the most strikingly bizarre album artwork of the year thus far, Radical Romantics is also quite a blissful and dreamy listen with Dreijer pulling together a frequently fascinating collection of synth-pop induced love songs. At just 10 tracks it doesn’t overstay it’s welcome either, with songs like What They Call Us, Shiver, Kandy and Carbon Dioxide as colourful and enjoyable as any they have made previously.

That said though, you might want to leave before final track Bottom of the Ocean, which sees Dreijer repeating various “oh, oh, oh” sounds for seven minutes over an ominous soundscape. One track that promises to go somewhere but just ends up sinking like the title suggests.

Listen here

Life In Miniature (Extended Edition) by Low Island

One of my Top 10 albums of 2022, the second album from Low Island was nothing short of majestic. As the name Life In Miniature suggests, it was a snapshot of the last two years in which frontman Carlos Posada seemed to encounter all of life’s blessings and curses during one quite intense period. From love and loss to happiness and grief, to sad endings and new beginnings, Low Island gifted listeners a beautiful tapestry of treasured memories that, although personal, impactfully resonate out of the audio through lyrical gut-punches and life-affirming sonic uplifts.

If you missed this gem of an album last year then there really hasn’t been a better time to listen, as now to coincide with the end of their recent UK tour, the band have released a new extended edition featuring three previously unreleased album offcuts. It Holds And It Holds is another soulfully cool slice of electropop, whilst Give Me Something To Love is a stunning bare bones acoustic track. My pick of the three however is Second Skin which captures perfectly what this band do best – danceable grooves with a palpable emotional heart.

Listen here

After Hours (Live At SoFi Stadium) by The Weeknd

There are few albums if any that I’ve played more than After Hours and Dawn FM by The Weeknd over the last couple of years. And for two years I held on to my Weeknd tickets for his London show, hoping I would eventually get to hear the songs live after the lockdowns finally came to an end. Although they did end, the bad news was that Abel’s star status had only grown in that time. This resulted in him cancelling his arena tour and upgrading to stadiums, with tickets going from the fairly reasonable £70 I paid initially to the £300 that Ticketmaster’s obscene surge pricing policy decided that’s what people should pay. As much as I love The Weeknd’s music and am desperate to catch his live show again, that is simply not a price I am willing to pay to see any single artist – maybe next time!

Thankfully to ease the blow somewhat, Abel has released this incredible new live album to accompany the HBO Special filmed at his recent stadium show in Los Angeles. Across the breathtaking (pun intended) 31 song setlist, Abel delivers hit after hit, as his vocal performances and superb live band production frequently get the hairs on your neck standing on end. Whilst it may be further evidence of just what a special popstar The Weeknd is, it’s also a shame that I can’t catch the show in person. The end of Live Nation’s monopoly and Ticketmaster’s ridiculous surge pricing really can’t come soon enough!

Listen here

From Nothing To A Little Bit More by The Lathums

“Before the pandemic The Lathums were on the road to nowhere. Then The Charlatans frontman Tim Burgess heard a recording of early single ‘The Great Escape’ and invited them to play a set at Kendal Calling. The rest, as they say, is history. After a couple of years building a passionate fanbase, they’d play the first non-socially distanced post lockdown gig in Liverpool. Six months after that The Lathums struck gold with the small matter of a UK number one album.

So after being in the whirlwind of prosperity in 2021, the storm has settled. 18 months after their debut they’ve returned with From Nothing To A little Bit More: a less immediate effort but one worthy of the time and effort required to leave an impact.

From Nothing To A Little Bit More is a solid return from The Lathums: darker, rawer and more accomplished, albeit without the same high points of their debut. Alex Moore portrays himself as a sensitive soul and the empathy you feel towards him is the album’s main strength. Especially as, like before, the tunes are heart-warming and infectious - the boys from Wigan discover a darker route mixed with moments of light. This is all done without losing the everyman appeal which drew so many to them in the first place.”

Read Matt McLister’s full review here

Listen here

Also worth checking out: Sunrise Bang Ur Head Against The Wall EP by Nia Archives, The Valley of Vision EP by Manchester Orchestra, Brothers & Sisters by Steve Mason, Tear Me to Pieces by Story of the Year

Tracks of the Week

Lean Beef Patty by JPEGMAFIA & Danny Brown

The rumours of a collaboration album between hip hop superstars JPEGMAFIA and Danny Brown has seemingly been around for years now, but it seems like the long-anticipated release is finally nearing its arrival. Whilst still no release date has been announced yet, we do have the first single which is a sub 2-minute hurricane of hard electronic blasts and lyrical wizardry.

Listen here

Sole Obsession by Nation of Language

One of the best new bands to debut during the lockdown years, new wave duo Nation of Language have quickly earned themselves a cult following off the back of their incredible first two records, Introduction Presence and A Way Forward. Now it appears a new era is on the horizon, with their dazzling new single Sole Obsession a prime example of why people simply can’t get enough of this band.

Listen here

Cello Song by Fontaines D.C.

The legacy of renowned singer-songwriter Nick Drake continues to live on, with a new compilation album in the works featuring covers of his most favourite songs from an enticing artist list that includes Bombay Bicycle Club, Let’s Eat Grandma, Radiohead’s Philip Selway, Feist and more. The first cover from the album to be released though is this brilliant take from Fontaines D.C. of Drake’s iconic Cello Song, with that band managing to pay homage whilst also making it their own.

Listen here

Everytime by Cub Sport

And finally this week, one of my favourite films of all time (for reasons I can’t completely pinpoint myself) is Harmony Korine’s surreal, arthouse summer flick, Spring Breakers.

From the vibrancy of the cinematography to the intoxicating Cliff Martinez soundtrack, to just the sheer hallucinogenic hedonism of it all, I just love everything about it. One thing in particular it does so well is the contradictory marriage between beauty and the beast that lies at the heart of the film, which is captured in no better instance than one certain iconic scene. In this magical moment, James Franco’s Alien plays Britney Spears’ Everytime on the piano, whilst the four girls waltz around him wearing Neon Ski Masks and carrying their shotguns, as montage footage of their dangerous escapades are intertwined. Surreal, completely nuts, but also oddly beautiful.

Now I’m not sure if that scene entered the brains of Aussie synth-pop outfit Cub Sport when they decided to cover this Britney classic, but the vocoder vocals and dazed electronica of this dreamy version of the song took me right back to that cinematic masterpiece. Check out the cover, then check out the film if you’ve never seen it - but don’t say I didn’t warn you!

Listen here

Also worth checking out: Messed Up by Holy Holy featuring Kwame, Line In The Sand by Hot Chip, Brian Eno & Goddess, CooCool by Roisin Murphy, Bloodshot by Enter Shikari, Ache by The Xcerts featuring Sam Carter

REMINDER: If you use Apple Music, you can also keep up-to-date with all my favourite 2023 tracks through my Best of 2023 playlist. Constantly updated throughout the year with songs I enjoy, it is then finalised into a Top 100 Songs of the Year in December.

Add the playlist to your library here

[howaboutcastiel-personal]

I keep calling out for help and nothing comes of it. I’m tired of calling out for help. I’m tired of being the bummer constantly and the one that ruins everyone’s mood and demands attention when I haven’t done anything to deserve attention.

My friends are just… all gone. I kind of made a new one??? But all the ones I’ve ever counted on… have just turned into these creatures. Like feral cats or something. I’m their little plaything and they like to poke and prod at me when they’re bored and that’s it. If I need something, they’re not there. If they need something, I’m always there.

But then again, I’m horrible. I’m short-tempered and rude and brutally honest and I set boundaries with hostility and I demand too much. And my company isn’t actually enjoyable, I’m there for comic relief and nothing deeper. My interests don’t matter. My needs don’t matter. I’m thought about when I’m useful and that’s it. That’s how it is with everyone.

It’s pointless now. School. Work. Friends. Everything. Eating is pointless. Sleeping is pointless. I don’t think I’ve ever been useful before. I don’t think I’ll ever be useful to anyone. The fictional characters, I can’t even convince myself that they would want me. They wouldn’t want me. There’s nothing to want.

I’m so disconnected to the entire world. To everything, everywhere. Nothing has any significance and I have no significance to anything or anyone. I’m entirely pointless and at this point I don’t even know what to yearn for. There’s no hope in anything. And I know they say you have to create your own hope but I have tried. I have tried so hard and I have tried until there’s nothing left inside of me and there is simply no more hope to be had. The planet is dying. I’m fat. I’m ugly. I’m unlikable. I’m useless. I’m the person in the friend group everyone is secretly trying to push out. I’m the one that gets left out of plans when they can get away with it. And it’s my own fault. I’m heartless. I’m poor. I’m not generous. I’m not patient. And I talk like a broken record about things no one else cares about.

There’s nothing left. I can’t even write fics like normal because Steven Grant wouldn’t want me. He wouldn’t be willing to fix me. There’s something wrong with me that would just disgust him to his core and I can’t pretend that he would see past it. I’m not enough for him and I could never offer him anything anyway. And I wouldn’t even be able to treat him the way he deserves, knowing me. It’s just stupid for me to think otherwise. And it’s selfish.

No one needs me. No one wants me. I don’t think that I want me anymore, either. I haven’t even cried about it. I just get angry, then tired, then angry, then tired. Then there’s moments of reprieve that just make me feel guilty for the anger and fatigue. It’s a pathetic, shameful pity-party. But there’s no point in trying to fix it. Because who would I be fixing it for? Nobody, because nobody wants me.

I wish that I could abuse my body more and get away with it. I want to starve myself. I want to get up at ungodly hours and drink enough coffee to down a horse. I want to take a rusty pair of scissors and carve out all the parts of myself I hate. I want to hurt until I can’t hurt anymore and I want it to destroy me. If I can’t be good I can be skinny at least. I can be hard and scarred up. I can have energy, so I can be useful. I’m just so un fucking useful. But I can’t. My body won’t work. I’ll faint. I’ll puke. I’ll dissociate so hard that I might as well be asleep with my eyes open. My hair will fall out. I’ll be unable to stand because the stomach cramps are so strong. My visual will swim.

Fucking useless. Completely useless and there’s nothing I can do. I can’t ask for help anymore. No one is going to help and I don’t deserve help.

I just want to stop.

[poetryandhoney]

it's in that space between dusk and dawn

when the moon hangs at its highest point

when the stars shine bright

when everyone you know is resting

it's then that I tend to feel the most peaceful

when standing in the kitchen can feel like time has frozen still

when I can pretend I'm the only person I have to worry about

where I can simply allow myself to be without fear or shame

it's there that I feel my most powerful

like I could do anything

then the sun rises

and my bones ache with an exhaustion that never seems to fade

and I put off any and all tasks bc the idea of doing anything just weighs me down more

and the knowledge that everyone I love is awake and busy makes me feel lonely

and the fear of being sets in

being too loud

too selfish

too ignorant

too much

so some days I keep to myself

keep quiet

keep still

try not to make any sudden moves

try to be who I think everyone wants me to be

and I wait

wait for the moon to rise again

- j.d.