#and i want to kill myself so bad but idk how
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doing that fun depression thing where everything makes me cry like crazy
#school work and notifications on my phone esp#i get a spam e-mail from costar and start bawling bc of overwhelming it is#tescting back too i get a message and start shaking#oh and i need to cut my body in half bc theres sm of it and i hate it#and i want to kill myself so bad but idk how#and its so embarrasing to have to go to therapy after youve been talking abt suicide#bc apparently i dont have the guts to do it and it just makes it worse it just makes me feel so ashamed#and i can feel my body bulging and growing and it makes me sick#and i keep feeling like such an idiot im so fucking stupid and so tired of it#i just hope a car hits me soon#ive been forgetting to look around before crossing the road so idk hopefully this might happen#and i wish i had the guts to cancel therapy its just wasting money at this point
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cw// implied character death, double life nonsense
because you are love itself.
#my art#trafficblr#double life#divorce quartet#<-- insane about how scott killed pearl in limlife.#this comic has been sitting unfinished in my files for a good month its def not finished to my usual quality but god it needed to be done#so uh scott... yeah. i like villain scott but not pure evil scott. i like a scott whos scared of being loved and manipulates others to spar#himself the pain. i like a scott who ditched pearl because their friendship was actually becoming real and when the server gods confirmed i#with DL he freaked out a bit and ran off.#ofc u can interpret this comic however u want but i was just thinking way too hard abt smajhor#i feel like often ppl get divided into scott did nothing wrong vs scott is pure evil alot of the time#which is understandable cus like i said with fanart/fic u only have so much space to show someones personality#but idk i like him all angsty. like i know im a bad person but to keep myself safe i need to keep being like this.#hes so blorbo *puts him in a blender*#i hate him *wraps him up in a blanket and takes him home*#cw implied death#cw implied violence#scott#pearl
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so no one was going to tell me if i got literally one episode further tenax drops that he’s the one who saved scorpus from his mom’s pimp AND that he’s intimately familiar with scorpus’ dick when he was younger. guys. guys.
#thinking about an INSANE divorce fic. as a follow-up to the 30k canon-compliant backstory i have not written#(really it could be an au of that because like. am i sentimental and would i want them to get emotionally divorced NO but i will get into#the variants of this later i have to tell you about them ACTUALLY divorced first before i get into the hot divorcee energy of it all)#where they fucked around when they were younger and then broke up because. yeah tenax can dream but scorpus needs certainty he is what he#is he wants attention and dignity and when blue offers for him he goes and we don’t need to know what the massive fight was but we DO need#to know that they stopped fucking and maybe they stopped talking too but now they’re Colleagues. putting the ‘because i can’ moment#into a WHOLE different light bc it’s very much a ‘you no longer have a say in who I get to fuck because it’s not YOU. because we’re not’#and thus we get an exes-to-lovers arc I still know you the best and yes I SEE the scorpus xenon andria potential & once again I am saying:#put that in a box we can’t talk about that right now I see it but that’s not what we’re here for. anyway I was TRYING to say the ‘I know u#best of anyone’ of it all and if you think I have stopped thinking about tenax goading scorpus & talking about his dick for a single second#I have not. I REALLY have not because that is top tier blatant manipulation to be like ohhhh poor baby you’re so old and rotting I can just#get a new chariot driver I don’t even really want you anyway 😇 and scorpus KNOWS It’s bait however. he’s gotta get his attention back.#anyway they are ugly divorced and it’s very slow burn but I know exactly how you taste & what buttons to press & how to grip your shoulders#in an argument until they fuck nasty on all of their riches or however this thing ends. not well for anyone but I WILL be getting them back#together. the other fun little big divorced energy thoughts i had were very much ‘divorced and arguing but it’s foreplay to threaten to#leave each other’ so they can have hot aggressive mean sex because they get off on arguing with each other. everybody in the stables starts#to see them arguing about chariot design & the brothers are scared they’re gonna kill each other & then suddenly scorpus is tongue-fucking#Tenax’s throat with a fist still in his hair and tenax has a hand pinning him back against the post by the throat and that’s all they see#before everybody clears the FUCK out. this is a regular occurrence at all times in all arguments it’s so fun I love the dynamic#OHHHH AND IT’S AN OUTSIDER POV FIC i said the brothers really i meant elia but also now that i say that. could be a fun five + 1 of#everyone watching them threaten to kill each other and then y’know. la petit mort. ALSO i know i see the calla/tenax too we can’t talk abt#that put it in the box with the chariot drivers we can have one (1) thing at a time. the calla note is because i want a calla pov of them#where she’s just like ‘freaks. right in front of my salad?’ and does not give a fuck at all. top tier. anyway. andria/elia/calla/domitian#(Domitian seeing them petition him would be so fun because he wants to puppet master everything he’d want to know SO BAD.) the 5th one idk#because I don’t have any idea about the third brother yet but maybe Tenax catching scorpus in a brothel again? and the +1 is their POV ofc.#(anyway for myself: the vibes i want here are geno/anna cat and mouse follow/unfollow divorce and win her back rumors)#scorpus/tenax#those about to die#scorpus#tenax
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guys i hate myself so much it genuinely gives me a stomach ache
#wtf is wrong with me#i hate myself so much#idk what to do#idk what else to tag#mentally unstable#i’m severely depressed#i want to relapse so bad#tw depressing stuff#it’s getting bad again#i’m so funny pls kill me i desperately want to die idk how much i can take i hate myself i want to kill myself#this account is a cry for help pls help me
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he didnt groom me he didnt groom me he didnt groom me he didnt groom me he didnt groom me he didnt groom me he didnt groom me he didnt groom me he didnt groom me he didnt groom me he didnt groom me he didnt groom me he didnt groom me he didnt groom me he didnt groom me he didnt groom me he didnt groom me he didnt groom me he didnt groom me he didnt groom me he didnt groom me he didnt groom me he didnt groom me he didnt groom me he didnt groom me he didnt groom me he didnt groom me he didnt groom me he didnt groom me he didnt groom me he didnt groom me he didnt groom me he didnt groom me he didnt groom me he didnt groom me he didnt groom me he didnt groom me he didnt groom me he didnt groom me he didnt groom me he didnt groom me he didnt groom me he didnt groom me he didnt groom me he didnt groom me he didnt groom me he didnt groom me he didnt groom me he didnt groom me he didnt groom me he didnt groom me he didnt groom me he didnt groom me he didnt groom me he didnt groom me he didnt groom me he didnt groom me he didnt groom me he didnt groom me he didnt groom me he didnt groom me he didnt groom me he didnt groom me he didnt groom me he didnt groom me he didnt groom me he didnt groom me he didnt groom me he didnt groom me he didnt groom me he didnt groom me he didnt groom me he didnt groom me he didnt groom me he didnt groom me he didnt groom me he didnt groom me he didnt groom me he didnt groom me he didnt groom me he didnt groom me he didnt groom me he didnt groom me he didnt groom me he didnt groom me he didnt groom me he didnt groom me he didnt groom me he didnt groom me he didnt groom me he didnt groom me he didnt groom me he didnt groom me he didnt groom me he didnt groom me he didnt groom me he didnt groom me he didnt groom me he didnt groom me he didnt groom me he didnt groom me he didnt groom me he didnt groom me
#gaslighting myself rn#he would never do that#hes not bad#please dont let it be true please#i want to die#i wanna end it so bad#make it stop#someone please end this shit#idk how much longer i can handle it before i genuinely try to kill myself#this is fucking exhausting
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tdov was like a week ago already but I just wanna say when I came over to vacation slash help my sworn brother move flat he told me, "ever since you said you wanted to get top surgery I've been thinking about it. it's straight up number two on my bucket list"
#bakuspeech#number one is a house bc obviously. if u can own a house wouldnt u#he was very drunk at that time of the evening. I was not bc I have the constitution of a hot air balloon and any stimulant will blow me up#(relatively new development. france fucked me up big time turns out)#we held hand on his bed for like the whole evening. it was honestly very funny in hindsight but we were extremely earnest in the moment#and Im like. working on this thing as well. I dont got meds or therapy lmao Im bootstrappin here#but yeah early last year his bf offered to get me meds and I... turned it down... I think I was worried abt like. idk. something#but one year past looking back Im fully like that was a stupid move you shouldve gotten meds. youve once again fucked urself baku#but yeah with that kinda realization Ive also come to realized I've somewhat? accepted. that I'm just gonna be. like this#this in light of a number of likely chronic stuff too (hence my balloon-like constitution lmao) and#that's kinda bled into the rest of me without me really noticing#but him bringing that up fully unprompted... kinda jolted me out of it#its just. really incredibly sweet. that someone doesn't want me to settle for what I make do with#and like. preps for that work. just kinda held my hand and told me it's possible to do this actually#I didn't really express how I felt very well in that moment I think my brain is very bad and I process emotions with like a day of delay#but. well. Im thinking abt it Right Now. so yknow thats the kind of impact that had on me lol#not super sure why I wrote all this down here really. I think I just want a good n nice reminder that object permanence is real#and I exist in my friends' life even when Im going insane in a hole by myself#and with the power of friendship we can alter the universe's plan for ourselves and also kill god#that's that. anyways I eat lunch now and then pass out probably. last night was... eventful lmao#but!! very good things on the horizon hopefully. well manifestly we hold hammers and we use them#have a good day lads. let's go out and slay monsters under a highway
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sitting in the parking lot thinking i might vom
#it's a chain place and ive been on the other side of places like this#(i wasnt an interviewer but i was friends with them)#and there at least people would show up late + in sweats for the interview and they'd get it!#they would show up with 'oh yeah interview today almost forgot' and they'd get it!#meanwhile im having a breakdown trying to do everything right and perfect#making sure i look nice but not too nice bc again its a chain fast food place and i cant try Too Hard#also these pants dont have belt loops and they tend to shift#AND my right hand is swollen from the wasp sting yesterday so im worried its gonna be 'wtf is wrong with you'#but also shouldn't it say something that im here anyway even though i could have rescheduled#but then its like... im not gonna kill myself for this place like i did at mcd and does it give that impression?#or should i have rescheduled bc they'll think it's bad decision making to come anyway with my hand swollen#also worried that i should have parked nearby and come over closer to the time bc am i the freak sitting in the parking lot#but at least im early! but am i too early? but im out here not rushing them. but should i be so they know I Am Interested#not to even mention wtf im gonna say to them to explain my employment gap#and im so paranoid that im gonna go in and say im there for an interview and they're gonna be like ???#bc it was through an automatic text/email thing when i applied#which was how my last job happened but idk. maybe im an idiot and it's all fake so they can point and laugh#and i KNOW thats ridiculous. but that's how it feels rn.#also im worried they'll ask if i want something to eat/drink and i dont know the right answer#like i feel like i should say yes bc what do you mean you wont eat here? but the wrong thing means im taking advantage#and how will i be if im actually working there?#and its all so dumb bc#AGAIN people roll out of bed confident and they're fine. meander their way through and theyre fine. theres no reason to think i wont be#but ANXIETY#its gonna be an out of body experience no matter what and later I'll wonder about all the things i dont remember#if i fucked up or not#and now i have to go in bc it's 7 minutes until my time and i want to be a little early but not too much#fuck#wish me luck#ks talks
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sorry for only saying this type of shit lately but i kinda wanna drive a car straight into a brick wall at the highest speed possible
#trying to keep it together so bad because i already know the problems and solutions and whatnot but i cannot do anything#i desperately just need to do something. accomplish any task. actually several would be nice. but i cannot stand just letting life go by#while i watch other people have the things i want. or even metaphorically living my dream like. that should be me why am i settling for thi#i hate even talking about this because i feel so stupid when i know it's not even a real tangible problem and that i actually DO have real#problems to tackle and the ability to do so but i'm choosing to be upset over the stupidest things i could possibly be sad about#and i can't even be sad about it in a normal way i'm cycling through like several different reactions to smth that isn't even real#or if it is real i literally do not have tanglible evidence for it one way or another like i'm driving myself insane for no reason#i can't even get catharsis because all i'm doing is digging a deeper hole for something i never should've gone back into in the first place#because i KNOW how i am i KNOW how i react to things and i still chose to do it lmao.#and i continue to choose to go through this shit instead of actively trying to change my life because... i'm lazy? and stupid? idk#negative self-talk isn't gonna get me to do anything either so let's just say i'm feeling particularly unmotivated like usual#i hated being a teenager but i really do miss when all my problems just amounted to 'someone was mean to me on tumblr today :(' or i failed#a test in chemistry or something. like i yearn for that simplicity becasue at this point all i'm doing is ruining my own life LMAO#i'm too scared to live i'm too scared to die so i just sit here and fantasize that life could be amazing if i wait#and i'll magically get everything i've ever wanted if i just wait long enough. and i know it isn't true and i still wait for it to happen.#because honestly like. i think deep down i am just convinced i will fail at anything i do when that shouldn't be what scares me.#what scares me should be never even allowing myself to fail because i never tried to do anything at all with myself or my life#like. wake the fuck up. get off your ass and put in the effort. learn some skills. gain independence and stability and discipline and do it#just live please i'm begging you just live so i can be happy don't i deserve to be happy... why am i not letting myself be happy#i'm literally keeping myself trapped in this negative feedback loop ON PURPOSE because teehee shiny toy#and it doesn't matter if the love is real it doesn't matter how i feel like i'm just using it as a distraction i can't say it's motivation#because it's barely motivated me at all. i have to start being realistic. 25 & just realizing you actually have to participate in your life#anyways. i've cried i've agonized i've pictured killing myself in 30 different ways. i think the only way i'm gonna feel better is#to just actually try this time without giving up. wish me luck
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dont think im gonna be able to make myself finish this (as of now) but i had fun with the leg
#i tried idk if i can carry on :(#how do people make fun futuristic sci-fi designs... i get stuck on the aesthetics of it#all i can think of is the practicality im so bad at the actual DESIGN part#dont know if i will get any further than what i have here#and related to me stopping MY BACK HAS BEEN FUCKING KILLING ME CAN YOU PLEEEEEASE STOP#I DIDNT HURT MYSELF AT WORK OR ANYTHING IT'S JUST DECIDED TO KILL ME#SITTING STANDING LAYING WALKING DRIVING EVERYTHING HURTS!!! I WANT TO RIP OUT MY SPINE!!!!!!#anyways. maybe i'll get back to it when i feel better but rn i wanna cry#awa
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okay what i have to say is lowkey embarrassing but i wanna bitch and it’s probably only embarrassing to me bc im shy about this stuff anyways the moral of the story is i wanna bitch and u should probably just ignore me. god bless
#honestly halfway through the wedding i did see this guy i thought was rlly cute#like. REALLY cute (so fucking embarrassing)#but i’m too shy to talk to hot people and i’ve never approached anyone before and no one’s ever approached me so i don’t know what to do#idk how to talk to people to begin with let alone like. try to flirt or something#but as the night went on (this is so embarrassing) for some reason i literally couldn’t stop looking at him (kill me)#and he probably definitely noticed me looking at him so he probably thinks im some like. crazy creep or something#but like usually when i see someone attractive im just like oh wow and admire them from afar#but i COULDNT STOP LOOKING AT HIM! WHY! and for some reason i felt like i just really wanted to talk to him#but i didn’t know what to do! i just felt this urge to go try and start a conversation but i just. i couldn’t#and every time i thought i would work up the courage either my sister or my grandmother would come back and hover over me#and i didn’t wanna be like ‘sorry gotta go i need to go embarrass myself in front of this cute guy’#OR he would get up and start taking pictures again. it’s like he knew#he wasn’t even the official photographer he was just one of the guests who clearly wanted to take photos of his friends wedding. which like#is so endearing to me. he has HOBBIES. WOW. (kill me)#idk j can’t even put everything into words i just feel like screaming into a pillow AAAAAAUGHHH#i felt like i was in hs again there was a point i even excused myself to step outside just because he was out there#but he was talking to some old lady. so i was just sitting outside in the grass moping#i feel so stupid i dunno. why am i so worked up about this. i had a few opportunities to approach him and i didnt. because im an idiot#i feel like i’m down so bad which is so STUPID because i don’t even know his name and ill never see him again in my life#so it doesn’t even matter! and every time im like oh oh well it was just random infatuation clearly it wasn’t meant to be#but then i just get upset and all blushy cause he was SO CUTE! and i wanna know more about him! why!#i haven’t felt like this in FOREVER i just feel so stupid for even feeling this way#i know ill be fine in a few days or something but im just like. i wish i could have at least spoken to him once#sigh. idk what’s wrong with me#maybe he’s already dating someone anyways all the cute people seem to already be in relationships#except ME im the only one left. who am I supposed to date!!#i want to jump out the window#snow.txt
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i haven’t done any of the work yet either, lmao idk how i’m gonna get through this
#literally last week i had to worry about an english project#the stress for it was insane like i’m tired man i don’t wanna do this anymore#i joke to my friends about killing myself but ts looking real nice rn i can’t do it bro#i feel like a failure#vent post#rant#i find myself thinking of my future too. idk what i’m gonna do and i can’t even imagine myself having one#i don’t know how to explain it but every time i imagine myself in the future#it’s me as someone else. like i want to be anyone but me. you know? i can’t imagine myself. it’s always someone else’s characteristics.#i think that’s why i wanted to shift so bad. to be someone that just isn’t me. idk how to explain it or how to even get through this but im#tired man i’ve been hating a lot of things about me. i hate my chin i hate my body i hate my arms i hate my acne i hate being in my skin#i can’t even take a nap because i have to atleast work on this presentation soon and maybe some of my study guide for my test tomorrow#i have the class first hour too#like i can’t win man. whoever’s out there in the universe let me be happy with myself just once please
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no matter how much help i get, i don’t think ill ever be okay again
#lolllll#i’m going to kill myself soon#jk maybe#idk i’ll see#i’m so unhappy#i’m so funny pls kill me i desperately want to die idk how much i can take i hate myself i want to kill myself#pls help me i want to die#i want to die so bad#i hope i die soon#i want to die#depression relapse#it is what it is#i hate my life#mentally unstable#tw depressing stuff#trauma#i wanna kms#i want to be okay#tw depressing thoughts#mental abuse#mentally tired#this account is a cry for help pls help me
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who made the mtt. and no i dont mean like who made the CONCEPT of the murder time trio (because i know who that is. touken kamui i thank you for the fangame every day :3) but like,,,, who decided to just randomly pair these 3 together?? like whaaaat.......
part of me wants to believe it was rahafwabas with the whole bad sanses group thingy being made with those 3 in there and then like. the fangame just gave them specifically a seperate group name. but STILL,,,,, where did this trio come from
#so rain of dust got a reboot a couple of months ago and now triple the insanity did too#and my newest favorite detail in the video is that theres a section where dust and killer's sprites are#glitching out. wanna know why??? BECAUSE HORROR GOT DELETED MTT BETTA THEY ALWAYS TOGETHER#insanity is just a horror replacement i fear i dont understand at all why he's even in the trio#WHY IS IT A TRIO. IF THERE'S A SUPPOSED FOURTH. THATS A SQUAD BRO#istg he was just added there for like shock factor or smth bc horror wasn't powerful enough to keep up#it saddens me so much to have him here but also that means it saddens kist as well :3#and killer and dust's sprites are red while insanity's is purple#YOU WILL NEVER BE HIM INSANITY!!!! YOU WILL NEVER BE HORROR I FEAR#idc what anyone says idc how many people shit on the mtt fangsme concept i LOVE IT#its like one of the few mtt content i get that doesnt involve nightmare#like. ok. bad sanses cool. i however could not give two shits about the oil monstrosity and cross#please i need my own little seperate island to myself where only i get to enjoy the mtt reboot songs#cycle of endless death against a common foe. they HAVE to learn how to work together no matter what#its not like they can just give up (looking at you horror) because the human will keep on killing again and again#waaait waaaaait in an mtt fangame dynamic horror would also experience the genocides :3 awww shared truama :3#isnt it so badass that horror literally had to get DELETED because he couldnt die and therefore the human got mad#ok fine maybe im glad theres at least a reason my boy got removed from the trio but still#the human can kill dust and killer as many times as they want. the other two will keep trying to stop them bc of dt#but horror CANT die. theres no fun in that. and one day he'll just give up. that's not amusing at all#i find it nice. a cute little parallel between the 3 :3 now horror gets his own personal genocidal human experience#man the mtt fangame human is smart asf like. DAMN. i forgot bro could just erase the trio#anyways i think that it's a good concept IDC. why are they stuck in the endless loop of human kill human reset? idk lemme check#i forgot that gaster was involved in this fuckass au LMAO but at least he's not THAT involved. more like a background character#the satsujinki was created only for murder. does it have any other thoughts? any other wants and needs? i love it so much my baby#and then the phase after that just consists of my trio emptily operating off the faintest instincts they have#after all this time spent together fighting do they not instinctually long for eachother?#me imagining these empty husks to hold hands and hug. as if theyd only truly be able to coexist peacefully with their minds lost#but at least theyre together. at least theyre always together forever :3 even if they don't know anything else#tricule rant
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trying to decipher if the overwhelming dread & Thoughts are cause of the state of the world or cause i need a shower.
vent post in the tags. idk. do whatever 👍
#sorry bros im about to ventpost in these mf tags 👍#im so fucking tired man. im already suicidal to begin with but the Everything happening is making it Worse. Yippe Yahoo Hooray.#therapy in a week though so ive got that at least.#this is the worst time of year for shit to go south.but Uh Oh saying that makes me feel like a selfish fuckass because other people -#- have it worse. like. god fucking damn. i get Extra suicidal around september -> march range sure. but other people are literally suffering#like as we fucking speak. and ive done fuckall to help cause i dont know HOW to help. but thats not a fucking excuse#im just being comfortable in my lazy ass depression spiral cause im a selfish fucking prick. “i cant spare the energy to vett things”#other people are fucking dying and im over here like “noo im too tiwed :( i cant do anyfing so im not gona do anyfing cuz im wazy and tiwed”#what the fuck is wrong with me lmao. knowing me im not gona change shit anyway despite fucking complaining about it cause im just. fucking#Like That.#idk. i was reblogging some of those “hold in there dont kill yourselves” posts cause like. yk. suicide bad or fucking whatever. but someone#on this site said something along the lines of “ok but how many people reblogging/posting these told jews to kill themselves” and like.#i dont know. i dont fucking know dude. so i guess im not reblogging Those anymore.#theres bigger issues out there and here i am focusing on some queer people who might kill themselves. idk. i should just join them yk#cause i never fucking focus on the bigger shit cause “i dont know how” and “i dont want to make things worse so i just wont do anything” so#im not doing fuckall other than just being part of the fucking problem here.#i should probably just delete social media for a while and see from there.#or just fucking drink about it thats the other option. its worked for me before (lie) so i may as well do it again am i right#im sorry i never like. boost gofundmes or fundraisers and shit i just.#i dont have a fucking excuse. im just a lazy fucking bastard in my own stupid fucking comfort circle.#“oh no seeing that people are dying makes me uncomforyable :(” ok well people are fucking dying you self absorbed douchebag. why cant you#get off your stupid fucking ass and do something. get a job so you can fucking help people or *something#its not like you have to pay rent and shit.#<- all about myself. cause yk. self centered douchbag. hooray.#i dont pay rent and i dont have to pay for my own food. i still live with my parents. im fucking useless to society so i may as well get a#job and send the money i dont fucking need to somrone who DOES need it. but here i am.#in.my stupid fucking bed til noon cause “the world is scary and jobs are hard :(”#its fucking retail. retail isnt as fucking hard as like. construction and shit but here i am anyway “unable” to do shit.#i fucking could if i just fucking ballsed up and put up with shit. but no. here i fucking am going “nooo i should just kill myself instead”#vent post
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#my dad is starting shit with me again and just continuing fights and bringing up shit that has nothing to do with anything#and even when I try to calm the situation he just gets worse and keeps berating me#I want to get out of the house but my partner hasn’t talked to me all day or even checked our message chat#so I don’t want to bother them or just show up without them saying it’s ok#not that they’d have much problem with it probably but if they don’t acknowledge it I don’t want to startle them or something#and idk what if they are mad at me and that’s why they haven’t talked to me today? or if they’re having a bad day too?#they’re not gonna want to deal with my bullshit if they’re not having a good day either#so that’s another problem to contend with#and I’m also really tired and fatigued already because of some recent health issues and just packing my go bag is wearing me out a bit#I don’t really want to pack up the whole car and drive an hour to their house after midnight when I’m already not doing great#so I know I should just stay in my room and get some distance or do my own thing until I fall asleep#but God I just don’t want to be here anymore#tbh I do kinda wanna be dead and I wish I could do something about that#idk if I’m fully suicidal or anything but it’s like… I want to make my dad see how much he needs me and I want to get a fucking break#I want someone to take care of me and worry about me for once instead of giving up everything to him#I wish I killed my self at 16 like I wanted to so I wouldn’t have ever had to deal with any of this bullshit#I sort of wish I could kill myself now just to be done with all of this#but suicide takes too much planning and hassle these days so what’s the point anyway#I guess I’m just depressed and lonely and all that#I’m sure I’ll be fine in the morning#but right now I just really wish I had someone to talk to and cry on and tell me it’ll all get better soon#personal
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#my depression is slowly getting worse again#like the suicidal ideation is kinda back but in a really vague way#idk it's whatever#but I just keep thinking abt how like. ugh idk how to put it. words are hard#a lot of people are like 'I didn't kill myself bc I thought of how sad my mum would be' or whatever#and like. that's never really what held me back?#not bc I was convinced that everyone would be happier without me#but bc I'm like. why would they care? it's so egotistical and self obsessed of me to think that my death would have any kind of major impact#on anyone else. like. no one cares that much abt me#and also like. what's kept me from actually attempting is the thought of like. how fucking embarrassing it would be to fail#like god. I'd have to talk to my parents and my brothers abt feelings and shit#that's awful I don't want that#it's bad enough that they know I'm trans#that's already more information abt me than I ever wanted them to have#ugh. I should talk to my therapist abt these intimacy issues shouldn't I.#it's just. I don't like it. it makes me so uncomfortable
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