#and i wish i had the guts to cancel therapy its just wasting money at this point

[szczylpierdolony]

doing that fun depression thing where everything makes me cry like crazy

[swimmingglitterllama-blog]

Makes you wonder...

All my life all I ever knew was tennis until 8 years ago.

8 years ago I wanted to get into Bath University and play tennis professionally.

They wanted to put me on a tennis programme at the university along side the degree that I'd be studying. The degree I wanted to do was part of the tennis training. You basically had to do a chosen sport to do this specific degree.

Unfortunately I was unable to even begin the degree. I smashed my predicted grades and got the top marks for my diploma. This was equivalent to 3x A levels at A grade.

Unfortunately I didn't hear anything for the university. The guy who was interested in be said they were having a meeting about the chosen sports funding. Football, rugby, tennis and athletics were the ones open for dropping funding.

Unfortunately tennis was the sport to be dropped funding and then I was not accepted on the course.

Gutted weren't the word, I was physically and emotionally hurt. It took a long time to really get string with it. And even now it hurts a little bit.

Since then I've stopped playing, I do carry a little. More weight which I never wanted, I also got caught up in mistakes which I never wanted either. I've struggled to find the right career for me because that's all I felt I wanted to do, and felt like what I was born to do.

I get like these little reminders telling me that I should t give up. And they're unavoidable too.

About 4 years ago whilst working at reebok fithub in retail. I was serving a customer and they said "oh my god! You're mahala! What you doing here you still playing tennis?" I said I couldn't afford it and haven't played it since I weren't accepted into uni. I didn't say that I've struggled to find my feet since.

They asked for my manager and I wondered why. He came out and she said "this girl is a waste of talent being here, she really is something special" I was touched and I started considering starting to play again.

I tried and failed many times. I've tried to play on the lta matches and local tennis leagues and all of them have failed. The main reason is you enter and it either gets cancelled or you play one or two matches.

You need routine and practice not just a match here and there.

When I had my breakdown last year, I was saying I'm going to have one last go at tennis again. People thought I was crazy for saying that mostly my mum. She said how are you gonna fund it? How can we do it? We can't?...

It still hurts and I think that was showing.

A year and a bit later from my breakdown. I've. Managed to play 2 matches and that's it. I was stepping away from it, till I get more reminders to play again.

A week ago a lady my mum was chatting to told me to get Into coaching. Do a level 3. I weren't even sure about coaching. Because Id only ever want to play, not coach.

Today I played short tennis. I get to go to these activities as part of my recovery on my mental health. Last year I missed out because of really bad anxiety attacks. But I've almost finished my cognitive behavioural therapy sessions so I can deal with stress and anxiety and depression so much better!

I'm thankful for the early intervention psychosis team. They have been a real gem in my recovery. Only problem is, I always want to achieve. Not matter what. If I'm not moving forward I feel I'm not moving at all.

Today I had short tennis as part as the Charlton activities I do. Chatlron athletic football club sponsor the programme to help the people like me build up their confidence.

I've been fortunate to be part of this programme. I have a fantastic team of people and support surrounding me.

Anyways back to the tennis. We were put into teams of 3 today. To start with our formation was a bit off. So we lost our first match. We won the rest and become the champions of the day.

The guys at Charlton filmed me a few times hitting shots etc. Everyone commented how well I played and all asked about whether I've played before.

I was offered a lift home by one of the care workers for the early intervention psychosis team. He's new I didn't recognise him before.

Funny enough he was telling me about how his son plays tennis and how he thought of getting him involved over here in the UK. (he's from zimbabwe) I told him the struggles I had and all that. Basically what I've written on here.

In the past week I've had St least 5-6 people tell me I shouldn't stop playing. Problem is, I know if I play people will say I shouldn't give up or how good I am.

Don't know why but I know It'll hurt me. Being reminded of my dreams and that I shouldn't give up.

I would take an offer in a heartbeat if it ever comes up. Truth is I'm getting older now and times laying very short. If it's gonna happen it needs to happen soon.

My only other option I've considered is joining the army which I've always considered as a career and play tennis and maybe snowboarding through there.

Just feels awful knowing that your gut instict and intuition and maybe even spirit guides are all encourages me to do it.

Yet, life gets in the way. When I had my breakdown I told all my pupils I was giving up teaching people to drive and going for it one last time with my tennis.

Just saying that gives me goosebumps. Will I get there? How will it happen if it does? Do I need to just trust the process?...

I've always dreamed of being a tennis player and quite honestly I get visions of me having athletic body, no money worries and playing tennis for a living. Of course its hard... If it was easy everyone would be doing it.

Think I'm being reminded of my true life purpose. Only my human self keeps being skeptical of all this. Need to let go of that I think.

It truly helps me right out all this. Weirdly I feel like eyes are peering on these words I type. I've been told before my life could be a movie. What if that actually happens and the words I'm typing now become I to a movie. #whoknewmoment

I'm now just staring at the screen. Like I've just emptied my whole mind out. Just watching the blinker blink on the screen. But still wondering what my future holds. I'm scared, focused, nervous and a little bit confused.

The army career path comes to mind. To not stray from that path. People have become professional athletes and sports stars from the army's support. Reminding myself now of Kelly Holmes as she was a PTI in the army. Then took the career in running which took off like a storm.

I watched a few of my old tennis videos, looking back on myself almost wishing I could coach that younger marli into what I know now. But again somethings reminding me It's never too late. It's not that I want the fame and become famous. I just want TO LIVE MY PURPOSE (capitals just locked on there without me even really attempting to.)

I do feel like someone is trying to communicate with me from the other side right now. I spoke about that in my last post. I want to help people I do, but not in the way of teaching them skills. Give people purpose and tell them to go for their dreams. But I've gotta get there first so people can listen.

I want to make it, I really do. Without pursuing it I feel dead. And that's quite scary feeling.

If my guides are looking down upon me now. Please guide me, please show me the path of the purpose I am meant to live. I want to also give back to my parents. That's almost my first number one thing I'd do.

Give back to my parents give them the life of freedom they deserve. Help my family first then give back and fund a charity. Probably Paul walkers reach out world wide foundation. They hell the world in crisis times.

Argh I feel sick right now. Don't even know why. Probably digesting all this... This that I can't even find the words to describe what it is. Then the word "purpose" just popped into my head.

I'm getting a ringing sound in my ears. Mostly my left... Is someone here? Visiting me?...

Please help me find my life purpose. I will continue to look for signs and messages from the guides.

Till then, see you on the next one.

M