#no idea what the next steps are for my mental health idk if im going to be going into a partial program or not

[deepfriedseagullfeet]

painting in my mixed media sketchbook

[ddlcbrainrot]

What do you think the girls would do in college? And how do you think they would look like?

well @heartbeatbookclub had a similar ask a while back and honestly i kind if agree with most things he mentioned. im gonna give a quick rundown of my headcanons but they are probably pretty similar lol

monika sweetheart im sorry but you are NOT having a good college experience. She definitely chooses a really demanding major like law and then surprise! the academically challenging major is academically challenging! who would have thought. she has been used to understand the meterial first try in highschool so now that she doesnt? ohhhh boy :). it definitely doesn't help that she went to college immediately after highschool. anyway what does she do? i have no idea. id like to think she takes a break and recollects herself, but lets be honest, monika is the type of person to keep at it until she like genuinely cant take it anymore. on the bright side, im sure the others would be a great help to her during this time

sayori does not go to college immediately after highschool, and that helps her a LOT. during her gap year, she focuses more on her mental health as well as figuring out what she wants to do in the future. and i think that leads her into some kind of elementary school work. maybe during her gap year she started babysitting around the neighborhood to make some money (and also so she wouldnt be sitting in her house all day) and she figures out how much she loves working with children

yuri i think would go to college right after highschool, but not because she feels like she needs to prove herself like Monika, its more of a "uhm i guess the next step is college" type of thing. i dont think college would be as bad for yuri as highschool. i actually think that this is the time she get a bit more comfortable and confident in herself. as far as majors go, she studies something literature-writting related. she probably has a draft for a book somewhere that she refuses to mention to anyone (at first). after college she probably ends up working at some sort of library whike she maybe does some writing on the side

natsuki is NOT going to college. i just cant see her putting herself through 4-5 years of more school. idk maybe she thinks about going to culinary school? but like, in my experience most culinary schools are super expensive. plus she thinks experience is way more valuable than any sort of class. so yeah she immediately goes into working. she starts off low, maybe she finds a job helping out in some local bakery for minimum wage. the best case scenario for her is to get to the point she can open her own bakery, but if we are being realistic, opening your own business is like.. a very big risk. so idk how possible it is

(in a perfect world they all open a book café/bakery together)

Here's a quick sketch of em :

[femmmie]

im not sure what prompts you were after for Anthonys day but what about some hurt/comfort regarding Anthonys anxiety, it could involve the entire crew caring for Anthony as they watch and realise that he may not be protorising his mental health. maybe some kisses from ian idk man

Anthony took only three steps further until he stopped in his tracks. "Is that… Is that Breathless by Asking Alexandria?!"

The Extra Mile

Ever since Anthony was back at Smosh, something had happened to the rest of the cast and crew. They walked just a little friskier, their conversation was just a tad more lighthearted and their laughter just a bit louder. Out of everyone, the change was biggest in Ian, Anthony's co-founder and best friend, then ex-best friend and now best friend again.

Ian had been emerging as the company's new office-clown and mascot for a few months while nobody knew but him and Anthony that the latter would be coming back. The others were shocked and surprised - in a good way - to see Ian so radiant and bright. He didn't use to be this way.

The problem was, nobody (safe one) really knew how to read Anthony yet, not even his best friend. His ever enchanting cackling laughter, his eyes, half moon-shaped and his general coolness… he had these outlandish tattoos that seemed to streak all along his body like paintbrushes, his many rings and piercings, and his ripped jeans, they all gave him the allure of a mysterious rock star from a lost era.

And Anthony really put in an effort to get to know everyone, and them him. He put on a friendly face each day at the Smosh office and laughed at everyone's jokes, which was easy because everyone there was a comedian in their own right.

But he was struggling inside. The reason he wanted to come back wasn't all these people. It was just one. He and Ian had both just been standing there, wide-eyed, smiling at each other, after that day of writing together for the first time in years. It had gone SO well, they couldn't believe they were still such a perfect fit. Their comedy - just the two of them - was wat Anthony realized he craved more than anything in the world.

So, Anthony's efforts to vibe with the other cast were always half-hearted, however hard he tried to care, he just didn't. He just waited out the filming day to spend time again with Ian and come up with sketch ideas together.

There was one person at Smosh who started to notice this about Anthony. Their "got my psychology minor online" comedian, Shayne. It didn't matter to him that people joked about his diploma. He read pretty much everyone like a book. At first, he'd been so glad that Anthony bas back himself, that he hadn't noticed. But whenever he saw Anthony checking his phone more than he had to, he noticed Anthony trying - truly trying, but failing - to be interested in the stories Angela was telling him, Shayne's blonde brows furrowed and he had decided to bring this up privately to Ian.

"He's not happy." Those words crashed into Ian like a bus on a highway.

"This is terrible, I'm such a fool for throwing him into the deep so immediately," he lamented to Shayne.

"Hey, you decided on those things together." It was no use. Ian leaned heavily on his desk.

"I fucked up. Shayne, we need to fix this, fast!"

Ian got all cast and crew together and announced a secret project.

"This is so important, you guys," Ian said so earnestly that nobody dared to laugh. He handed everyone a list. It had all Anthony's likes, dislikes, beliefs, in-jokes and proudest Smosh-moments on it.

"Everyone must memorize these by tomorrow, that's an order!" Ian said. Everyone silently nodded in agreement.

The next day Anthony walked into the Smosh office a little apprehensively. He sighed.

"Come on, get hyped," he told himself. "Try to enjoy this. Ian got Smosh to survive because of this. Let's go!"

Not even one foot inside the building, Shayne says:

"Hi Anthony, wonderful to see you! Here you go, your favorite! Chai latte with a little extra spice!"

"Oh, thank you?" Anthony smiles as a crewmember approaches him.

"Anthony! Here's some vegan, gluten free bagels with vegan salmon and vegan cream cheese!"

"How did you know I love those?"

The crewmember just smiles.

Anthony takes only three steps further until he stops in his tracks. "Is that… Is that Breathless by Asking Alexandria?!"

"It sure is," Angela chimes in while doing a little dance and giggle.

Anthony only just gets to the door of the next room at the office and wants to grab the doorknob, Amanda says "I WOULDN'T DO THAT IF I WERE YOU!"

Anthony jumps and asks "why?"

Amanda lowers her head and raises one eyebrow while whispering: "you'll have to put ice on your precious hand if you touch it…"

Chanse and Tommy walk up to Anthony. Tommy is somehow covered in feathers, making a grandiose sigh. Chanse asks him: "Why the hell are you dressed like a chicken?!"

"And by the way," Arasha appears out of nowhere, holding a bag that says "popcorn" on it, "this popcorn is for… ME! Hahahaha, you don't like popcorn! We have sliced cucumber and guac for you inside.

Amanda opens the door with an oven mitten and Anthony looks into the room. Everyone is there: all of the cast and crew, sitting on bean bags and couches and blankets. Ian stands up in a onesie with his face all over it, and says: "Anthony! Are you ready to watch a movie with us? There's more drinks and food when you're done with those, but remember to go easy on the pepsi!"

Anthony smiles widely. All these people took the time to really get to know him. They are not just 'other people', they are an extension of Ian, an extension of Smosh. Anthony just knows Ian put them all up to this. And he hugs Chanse who stands closest to him and says "Thank you, you guys…" His eyes tear up a little.

[partytricks]

young royals s3 thoughts (SPOILERS!!!!)

- first and foremost i think they tried to fit waaaayy too many things into this season. it feels like they wrote two seasons worth of content and instead of trying to cut plotlines that were unimportant to the overall narrative, they just said fuck it lets do them all. and it...did not work

- LOVE the idea of wille's speech having repercussions outside of wilmon and the royal family, and i love that the hazing was addressed, but again the whole reveal about erik and august felt like it was just thrown in to have sympathy for august and to lead to wille's breakdown at the bday dinner (which like...he had more than enough reason to do already). i do like the idea of erik actually being fucked up behind the scenes, but i wish they would have hinted at it in season 2 or something instead of just dropping it out of nowhere. idk

- WHY DOES IT FEEL LIKE THEY FORGOT ABOUT WILLE HAVING ANXIETY AND PANIC ATTACKS UNTIL THE LAST COUPLE EPISODES???? his anxious habits and the physical toll that stress takes on him were pretty consistently shown in the first two seasons and then suddenly not a thing until the halfway point???????? like idk something about that really bothered me. my one big hope for this season was that wille would get to address his panic attacks but it seems like theyre just not gonna acknowledge it, which i guess is true to real life anxiety it's just something you live with, but it was teased to be such a crucial thing about wille that im a little disappointed its not getting explored

- wilmon cannot communicate to save their lives and i feel like neither of them are ready to be in a relationship. they have a good dynamic and you can tell they care about each other, but they never look at issues from a dual perspective, only as an individual. and then when they call each other out they just get defensive. i think they only want the lovey dovey fun part of a relationship, and they cant accept the fact that things WILL go wrong and they have to work through it TOGETHER

- ive seen a lot of people say that wille got really mean out of nowhere this season and i kind of disagree?? yes, his aggression is def at the forefront of almost all his scenes, but we've seen in the past two seasons that he doesnt know how to deal with stress and takes frustration out on other people. it's just that now he's constantly stressed and therefore on a hair trigger. is it right of him?? no. but does it make sense?? yeah, for me at least

- i HATE that wille's anxiety is constantly pushed aside because it "isnt princely" but the MINUTE that kristina has mental health issues she gets to step back from her duties and see a therapist, get meds, etc... now to clarify, i hate it because wille deserves better and its so hypocritical. i LOVE that it was included in the story because you really get to see plain as day just how much wille's family does not give a shit about him. he was so worried about his mom because he knows what it feels like and wants to be there for her when she never was for him, but she cant even make eye contact with him. and his dad is no better. that scene where wille calls to ask about erik and his dad just goes "yeah i cant think of any of erik's flaws he was perfect" EVEN IF YOU THINK THAT YOU DONT SAY IT TO YOUR OTHER KID???? who, to wille's point, is CURRENTLY YOUR ONLY SON.

- simon dealt with a lot of shit this season, and he was right to be scared of wille during his blowup at the royals, but CALL ME CRAZY i think he couldve waited until like, idk, the NEXT DAY?? to breakup with him???? yes, wille has been an ass to simon this season and taking family drama out on him, thats not cool, but striking while the iron is hot is an AWFUL idea. bring it up while wille is in a more rational headspace and not as riled-up. like simon my bby i was with you til then

[oh-my-damn]

Can I vent or get some advice or... idk. I'm

33, I'll be 34 in a few months.  I've never dated, kissed, let alone had sex. I'm the type of girl who falls for 1 guy and likes them for years. I have been asked out a few times over the years but never by someone who I was interested in. I feel like a loser, but that's a vent for another day. As I'm getting older I thought I'd meet someone the old fashioned way, through a meet cute at a store,  or through school, mutual friends, etc. But nothing.  I'm contemplating using dating apps (idk which ones, match, eharmoney??). I want to meet someone but also I have things I want in life to do, but I also want kids, I want to make a family, but the only guys I've found attractive the last few years are actors (one which I'm sure you can guess).

I just... I don't know what I was expecting from this.  I think maybe I just needed to put this out there,  you know? And I've read some of your personal stuff and I just thought you'd be a sympathetic ear or understand what I'm going through. I'm confused and so lonely and God I just want to be pushed up against a wall and kissed by a guy who is protective of me and looks at me with so much love in their eyes it makes me melt. I just never expected to be alone at this age and I feel like I'm running out of time.  Running out of time to meet someone,  running out of time to have kids.  It feels like if I don't do something soon,  I'll miss out on my opportunity.  I want a husband and kids. 😞thank you for listening

Hi honey.

I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this. I understand that feeling of loneliness and like its never going to happen for you, its something I myself have been dealing with for a while now. Im not sure what to say because there are people out there who do not find that kind of love, and then there are some who do and others who dont actually find it but pretend they do.

I think whats important to note is that a lot of those "happily in love my life is perfect" people arent actually that happy or in love and their life isnt actually as perfect as they like to portray it as.

At the end of the day, what matters most is you and your own happiness and your own path in life.

I can understand wanting to meet someone the old fashioned way but with the way the world is going, thats getting harder and harder. If you truly are looking to settle down in the near future, I would recommend going after it the same way you would an education or a career. Get out there, try online dating (but do it SAFELY. Always meet in a public space, do not give out too much personal info until you know them well etc)

Dating casually is usually the first step because, unlike what movies have taught us, they dont just come along when you want them to. Sometimes it takes a while but I think your mindset is important. If you feel ready to pursue commitment then its about being open and communicating that.

Online dating can be annoying and tedious. But maybe thats a good next step for you?

I am unsure what advice to give as I myself do not actively look for someone else, so I wish I could give recommendations but its a bit difficult. I have heard from friends that Hinge or Bumble are pretty good, I think?

I hope you find what youre looking for, honey. But its also important to note that you shouldnt expect this special person to come into your life to fix everything. If that is the only part of your life youre unhappy with, then maybe yes. But if there are other things as well, a good idea is to deal with those first, to heal and know yourself. And maybe that person will come along naturally, maybe youll see them on an online dating site, who knows.

Its really hard to deal with these things. I hope you have friends and family to talk to when the loneliness is overwhelming and that youre taking care of yourself and your mental health ❤️

[its-me-im-coraline]

Shy // Headcannons

words // around 900

warnings // none

author's note // this is a little short but I genuinely couldn't come up a lot. im sorry im just having some bad mental health days. also im sorry to the 2 people on the tag list lol for forgetting to tag them on the last fic, lol. if anyone wants to be tagged let me know, if you just want to chat about maneskin and little scenarios I'm thinking of maybe having a "sleepover" once a week where instead of posting longer fics I can simply reply to asks with mini scenarios? let me know if you like that idea cause i would loooove it

request // yes, here

summary // the band with a shy (or socially anxious) s/o

Damiano David

we all know this man is all over the place

in a good way of course

he is confident, outspoken and just out there in general

although a paradox he would be perfect with a shy person

he draws the attention to him when you need him to take it away from you

but he gives you all his attention when you need it

he would be really comforting to a shy s/o

“Do you want to get out of here? Is it too crowded? it is too crowded, omg. come on, lets go”

is always there to make interactions with people easier

“so, this is my partner, y/n. They are great.”

will introduce you to someone really proudly and would not leave even for a second unless he saw you had gotten comfortable around that person

will literally hold off going to the restroom if he sees you’re still shy around whoever you two speak to.

“Damiano, just go! It’s fine”

this is funny, don’t judge me

has no problem doing all the talking for you

“You want me to order for you? no problem. Yes, hi, could we please get-”

in general, damiano is literally there to do the s o c i a l i z i n g for you when you need him to

Victoria De Angelis

vic is also the type of person that would quickly cover up for your shyness

will not even ask if you want her to order for you, she already knows

“Have you decided what you want, babe? oh, great.”

casually waits for the waiter before ordering for both of you

i feel victoria is a little more “pushy” and let me explain this

she will not force you to socialize but she will push you to familiarize yourself with crowded places

will always be with you of course

“Come on baby, I know it is crowded, but I am here, ok?”

has a plan on how you guys will go about if she has to introduce you to someone

it’s not that she will not do the socializing for you if she has to but she will be there to encourage you to step out of your comfort zone regarding it.

not too much, and never alone, but just enough to make you more comfortable around new faces

like she will make phone calls for you, the ordering for you and all but under other circumstances she pushes you to work on the shyness a bit

Thomas Raggi

I feel like thomas is equally as shy so the game is played between the mood you guys have that day

when the one is having a “shy-er” day (lol) the other will do the phone calls and what not

“thomas, call over the waiter, we need to pay so we can leave”

“why don’t you? they are in your peripheral view”

“cause i did it last time thom! now call over the waiter!”

“y/n!”

“Is everything ok? Anything else I can get you two?”

“Y-yes. the check please”

embarrassing

generally tho you two tend to kind of ‘give strength’ to each other when you have to do something like that.

like holding hands and giving each other encouraging words before having to interact with someone

lol my friends and I do exactly that!

although I see Thomas being a little sneaky sometimes and just avoiding to do something until you are fed up and you have to

oooops

Ethan Torchio

now, although ethan is my personal favorite I would hate this so much (as a shy person myself)

he isn’t very shy exactly, just introverted

he also just has this vibe to him

daddy™ lol

that is just like yeah he can surely do the socializing for you but he is just not going to

Is he going to be an ass about it? no

Is he going to leave you alone to do it? no

but he will not make a phone call for you or order for you

unless he sees that it is stressing you out too much

“no, y/n, you can do it. I believe in you.”

he is going to be encouraging about it, not forceful and disrespectful

if he sees that you feel very pressured that day he’ll shut up and do it for you

like i can see him being next to you while you have to make a call, the phone on speaker and holding your hand for moral support

lol idk but I just don’t see him taking over

he wants to help you be calmer, but he also wants to help you working around the shyness

tag list: @bieberhoodforever @tabi-toast

[whatifyoulivelikethat]

Please review anon's warnings before continuing.

note: I am not a mental health professional. I'm not aware of every aspect of your life. I may say something that isn't applicable in your situation. And, finally, reminder that I too am a human being with a past. Be respectful and mindful of that.

tw: su*c*de, sh, bad body image

-

hi wiyllt

im tired. exhausted. drained. i feel crazy and obsessive. i got my academic results a few days ago and wow i havent cried like that in forever. in forEVER. i bawled, lowkey wailed about them. the worst part is theyre objectively really fucking good marks. 96% is not a joke. i am just so disappointed in myself for them. worst part is school's plastered the toppers faces up LITERALLY every corridor, completely forgetting the fact that there was a student who committed su*c*de just two weeks ago, after failing their exams.

ive been so depressed its affecting everything. i feel everything in every way possible. i feel doomed with my friendships, with my relationship, my future, everything. i hate myself like this. last month i got back into my sh habit and everythings going downhill so fast. i want to feel okay again. bad body image has been plaguing my mind and ive been binging on food since last month. ive been crying so much and been just such a mess in school and at home. i am so fuckign depressed i dont even know at this point.

did i mention i havent gotten my period in twenty fucking days.

I'm going to address this bottom to top.

Your period is affected by many things, both physical and mental health. My period is always late when I'm stressed. When I was at the height of my depression, my period came about every 40 days. I thought I was lucky. No. I was fucked up. Your body pours its finite resources for what it perceives as a threat first before going back to its usual routine programming. Sometimes your cycle jumps even when you're perfectly healthy. In nature, there will be outliers and that applies to ovulation too. Just happens. Track your cycle and see a gynecologist if there is a pattern.

To break your self-harm habit, you must remove your tools from your presence. They must be thrown away or difficult to get to. The first step to breaking a habit is making it not easy to do. The second is redirection, preferably to a healthier place such as creation. But I'm not an idiot and I know it is human to simply just pick a differemt self-destructive habit. Believe me, there are many ways to hurt yourself and ruin your life. You must draw a line at this. Do not cross it. Every time you want to do it, write down every reason you want to do it. Burn, rip, mangle the paper. Destroy it until it's unreadable. Keep writing. You better have millions of reasons and none of them will ever justify you doing something like that to yourself. None. Remember this next time and every time you want to do it thereafter.

Yeah, I'm telling you to give up. This, specifically.

Yes, you will still make bad decisions. Yes, life is still gonna suck ass. Yes, you will treat yourself like shit in other ways.

I did.

I don't know anyone who can just stop being depressed. You won't suddenly become a born-again human unaffected by their past (idk, maybe you're an alien, not sure how their biology works, I'll do some probing and report back). Even now I catch myself in moments where I slip back into old habits and thought processes.

You are responsible for yourself. You are responsibile for the bad choices you have made and will make. I know that is not fun. That is not what we want to do. Hell, I have no idea if a certified therapist / psychologist / psychiatrist will agree with me on this, but I'm gonna give it to you straight - the one who has to deal with the consequences of what you do is you.

I spent a lot of time blaming anything and everything, especially life for dealing me shit cards. I didn't ask to be born. I didn't ask for two decades of emotional and physical abuse. But I did what I did. I did fucked up shit. Things will fall apart. You will cry and bleed trying to put it all back together and it might be in vain. You will wonder, when does it get better?

It gets better when you take a moment and ask yourself, "What do I want?"

Not, what are the impossible expectations I have for myself right now? Not, what does everyone else want me to be? Not, here's all the things that are wrong with me and reasons I cannot achieve anything of substance or value. Shut those up for a second. You said, "i want to feel okay again." You can't feel how you felt in the past and anyway, by now, you've glamorized it to something better than it was. Plus, "to feel okay" is a bit vague. Also it kinda gives off meh energy (sorry, but it kinda does). You need something specific.

"I want to repair my relationship with (insert here)."

This can be anything. People, food, school, etc, but you need to focus on one thing at a time. You need to prioritize what it is that is most important to you right now. Don't set a bar for where you want to be at a certain time. Only focus on improvement. Some things may fall to the wayside and that's okay. You can't do everything. When you feel like you're in a good place with one thing, move on to something else. Go back and check on it periodically and search for minor improvements.

It sounds nice, but it might not look pretty while you're doing it. Life is life. There will be setbacks. Every situation, aak yourself, "What is the best version of myself I can be right now?" Not what was or will be, but right now. That might be something great or that might be getting into bed and going to sleep. Sometimes it be like that. Do one more thing than you would if you were feeling just a teensy bit better.

"I'm going to bed instead of studying, but I will set up my desk so it's ready for me in the morning."

"I'll eat one less today. I'm still gonna eat it."

"I'm gonna cry right now. I'll do something about it after. But first I'm gonna cry."

Little by little decision, you can more forward to a place you are more satisfied with. There will always be hardships. Always. But you can control how you react to them and how you deal with them. It might feel like you can't but that's because you need to direct your focus on specifics - what you can do rather than what is out of your control. To be the best version of yourself is to actively understand that you will not always make the perfect decision. It gets better. It gets worse. You are a different person each time. You learn from your past. Do the best that you can right now. Prioritize yourself. Live this life as if there is only one.

Time doesn't come back.

Be mindful of the past and the future, but don't forget to live right now. You'll miss important stuff.

[drukhari]

hey tristan,

not too get too deep on your tumblr but... idk been feeling weird lately. i've been kinda taking this little break from everything, and i'm back home (altho it's not always chill time with family and all) but idk... i know there's no rush to figure out what you wanna do in life and all, and that it doesn't even have to be this one thing, it can be multiple things too and there's also no need for a ''one purpose'' kind of thing, that you can literally just be and that's it but its just... idk it's been about a year since i've been back home and i know i wanna move abroad but i dont really know what to do, like at all. Like i'm not spiralling or anything but it's just a feeling that's been at the back of my mind for a while now and it's still there, and idk i had kinda hoped that taking a break from everything would help get that energy and ''passion'' (for lack of better word) back, but not really. Mental health wise, it's been a great time to sit back but life wise, next steps-wise and all that, i feel like i'm still in the same place and still don't know what i should do next. i go on linkedin and i start looking at jobs and i have no idea what im looking for

anyways, what do you do when you feel like this? lowkey wanna do buzzfeed test that will tell me what i should next based on my favourite ways to eat pasta or something

That one's tough anon, not gonna lie. I used to feel that way a lot when I was in college and it used to keep me up at night sometimes because it seemed like everyone else had found that "thing" that they wanted for their lives and they at least had somewhat of an idea how to start proceeding in that direction, but in my case it felt like I had too many things I'd be just "fine" doing and nothing that I was really pulled towards. I was changing majors all the time and generally just felt like I was untethered from anything concrete in terms of planning a future.

And like you mentioned, you can absolutely know that some people dont have just 1 thing they do over the course of their life and that its completely ok not to know what you want...but knowing those things and really being able to internalize and feel them for yourself is a whole other ball game.

The feeling ultimately ended up going away on its own eventually, after a lot of time spent just burying myself in my hobbies, my connections with other people around me, the parts of my jobs that I didn't hate and just generally learning to appreciate the experience of living a life that didn't revolve around finding and advancing in a career.

Not that there's anything wrong with wanting to advance in a job that you enjoy, sometimes advancement at a job isn't about the material/ego based aspects of climbing the ladder so much as it's about getting to work on cooler stuff (which is the case in my job).

It was like I was too busy doing other things to realize that I couldn't pin down a 5 year plan for the life of me if asked, until one day I woke up and realized I still didn't have a 5 year plan beyond "keep learning and doing more things that interest me, keep enjoying the life I live as much as I can, and fuck anyone who says I should feel bad for not having more than that figured out".

You mentioned you took some time away just to sort of re-center yourself and that's great tbh. It may not feel like it yet but that time away may have some hidden lessons to it that you're not even aware of yet that will help lead you to the next step, or maybe it'll hit you out of nowhere like some kind of Jimmy Neutron Brain Blast-esque moment, but focusing on just enjoying each day, chasing your interests wherever they lead you (within reason, ofc) and being on the lookout for new experiences to try are all things that eventually helped me to get to that point, so maybe they'll be of some help to you along the way too.

[fairycosmos]

lmao im actually so desperate to die im considering swallowing two peach pits just to see if i will choke to death because nothing else ive tried has worked so far . you know what my life doesnt fucking matter ill do it. with my luck it wont work i feel im being punished and thats why i cant die. ill do it. if i dont get back to you something happened but i doubt it. im tired like you said i deserve peace. we do. bye maybe i hope this works this is pathetic but im desperate to die

hey, i'm really sorry to hear you're feeling this way. it seems like you're totally overwhelmed right now and i completely understand how debilitating that can be. i know there's nothing i can do or say that will really change how awful it feels, and you're probably not in the headspace to read all this. but if you ever want to come back to it, it'll be here. maybe you could try some of these grounding exercises, here / here and here beforehand to get you in a place where you can focus a little. it's alright, there's no rush or pressure. i just wanted to say first of all that this is not pathetic in the slightest. sometimes the world gets on top of you and you go througn so much trauma and hurt that it really does feel like giving up is the only option. people can only take so much, and i get it. that's the trick of the suicidal brain though, i think. it uses life's suffering and your own past experiences to convince you that it is always going to be this way. to romanticize death and make it into something it isn't in your head. it is actually very hard to die, as i'm sure you know. and it's not the peaceful option or escape you're looking for, either. and the most paramount thing i want to say is that your life 100% does matter. this was never up for debate. you were born with an inherent worth and it hasn't went away just because you can no longer see it. you honestly can't fathom how you've impacted peoples lives, directly and indirectly, and even just the world itself. you don't have to be anybody but who you are, i promise, the whole point is just having the human experience you're having. you're fulfilling your purpose by existing, no matter how hard it is at times. i think it's a good sign that you reached out to me, i honestly think it shows that you have a lot of self awareness regarding what's going on and that you're truly capable of asking for the help that you need. you're not in a place right now where you can trust your thoughts and feelings, so it's good to seek an objective perspective from somebody else. this state of mind is so transient, it's so intense that it's not built to last. i'm not trying to downplay how unbelievably hard to live with, of course, but it can be freeing to acknowledge that this is not all there is, no matter how difficult it is to endure currently. you deserve to be here and to exist in a way that heals you, no matter what your mind is telling you. there can be a variety of underlying causes for suicidal feelings, and obviously they're very serious issues that need real medical attention in order to begin to overcome. but with that and with time, it is totally possible to learn to live a full live along side all you've been through. even though right now i'm sure that's the lastthhing on earth you want to do.

are you currently working with a mental health professional of any sort? your doctor, a therapist, a support group, even a hotline? if not, i would really urge you to get in touch with them as soon as possible. and if you already are, let them know where your thoughts are at lately so they can focus on upping your level of care. if you're worried about money, there are cost-effective choics available, like finding a therapist who offers a sliding scale price, or looking into mental health resources within your community. i know your brain is probably screaming at you to do the opposite, but i promise any baby step in the right direction is going to pay off. the prospect of reaching out and being honest is a daunting one, and i'm only bringing it up as something to consider at the moment (or when you feel able to) so please don't write it off all together. you don't have to do anything right now, just know you have options. you honestly do. and talking to someone really is not as bad as your brain is probably building it up to be. just like with physical illness, mental illness can be confronted and treated. it's all about learning how to manage your unique mind, and even if it takes a lifetime, it is so possible to lessen the frequency of episodes like this. or to become more prepared for them so they feel less erratic when they do occur. discussing about what you've been through, pinpointing root causes of your suicidal thoughts, learnng how to implement healthy coping mechanisms into your daily routine, building a support system, finding the medication for you if needed - all of this is going to make a tangible difference. it is not going to fix everything, obviously, but it is going to lighten the weight and broaden your perspective on yourself and on living. you deserve to be supported without judgement and with genuine care, you deserve to be listened to. there are a lot of people, professionals or otherwise, even just strangers like me, who are willing to filling that role for you.

idk how it is for you and i won't pretend to, but sometimes suicidal people don't want to lose their lives, they just want to stop living the way they are. with so much chaos and unresolved pain and exhaustion. you don't have to hurt yourself in order to get there. i know when you're in this mindset, any even slightly positive piece of advice just feels impossible to believe. but even if you can't seriously take it on board at the moment, i hope when you're in a more grounded place, you can at least consider as an alternative to absolute hopelessness. you may as well, because you are alive and that is not always going to feel like a curse. it is so hard to believe it, i get that, but it is a fundamental truth. you are in an extremely difficult moment but that is not your whole existence. the future is ever changing, and you've already made it through the past, so the only thing that really matters is this moment. focus on what you need, not what you want, but what you need to do right now to truly self - prioritize. even if that feels like the last thing on earth you want do. if self destruction and self harm was gonna make you feel better, it would've by now. welcome the idea of trying something new, maybe just the notion of attempting to guide yourself through this with a bit of self-compassion. please, if you feel like you are an immediate danger to yourself, please exercise any sense of self preservation/ survival instinct and call the authorities, a hotline or a friend/family member right away. no matter what bullshit your brain is telling you, no matter how heavy your heart is right now . everything is always always always changing and things are going to change beyond recognition, it's the one thing you can count on. you deserve to stick around to see it all, and once you've made the decision to do so, you won't feel so stuck and conflicted anymore. i'm going to leave some links that i think might help a little in this moment, but like i said, please call someone if you feel you can't be alone right now. i'm rooting for u a lot and i really hope you are able do the right thing for yourself. if it's all too hard, focus on getting through the next hour. if that's too much, the next minute. and if that's too much, the next second. break it down into what you can handle and let yourself live. and then just go from there. sending you all my love.

list of hotlines

coping with depression

coping with suicidal thoughts

so you feel like shit?

template for creating a safety plan

[scaredgirlsilly]

how do i live with intent when i dont even know what i can do. like i know i could do anything. if i wanted to, i could walk 3 miles to a store and strike up a convo with the cashier. like i COULD technically but like I definitely cant. thats just not something that i could bring myself to do. i can barely text in a discord for more than a day because im just like "😖😖😖 im interrupting" and idk its just frustrating. it feels like im waiting to die and im only 18. how the fuck do i do that??? how does that happen???? how have i never had any aspirations in my life beside "play game". thats all i do now. for the past like month literally every waking moment has been spent either playing fromsoftware games or thinking about the next fromsoftware game im gonna play. and its helped a bit with like finishing games (which ive had a major problem with) but like idk i want new friends. i want to DO things. but i literally havent made friends in like 7 fucking years. the 3 friends i have now, i met in highschool. and i have a few online friends (i hope we are friends at least) and they are super fucking cool but i have such a hard time talking to them its just like god how am i ever gonna make friends again if i cant even talk to a tumblr mutual about how hot zoe from moster prom is. or like trade music requests. idk its just so fucked. plus all my friends are cis dudes so its like i dont have any close friends that really relate to me that deep yk besides like broad stuff. i really dont fucking know. and of course the very idea of asking anyone for help on this topic makes me cringe. like i dont know how but like highschool cringe culture has seeped into my bones so fucking bad that like asking for help with a major part of why my mental health is so bad just makes me go like "oh ew wtf no youre NOT doing that" so i just stay in bed. how do i stop it. how do i stop wasting away. sitting there day after day. like unironically how??? i know i have to get a job and make friends and idk fucking work out or some fucking shit but like what are the steps between that shit? and what after??? this is all bullshit my brain is telling me to dustract me from the real problem. i WANT a job. i WANT to drive i WANT to make friends i WANT to be healthy and active. how do i get motivated? how do i ignore all the petty excuses my brain comes up with to make me sink deeper. i guess i figured it out. i just have to ignore it. jesus fuck i havent journaled like this in a long fuckin while lol. man it really does help. that post about not wanting to do the stuff that helps because everyone tells you it helps was right. god brains fucking suck 😅 as much as i want to end this with "im gonna start working out" i know i wont so im just gonna get off my phone and hang with the few friends i have. thank you tumblr 😚😚😚

and to anybody who got this far...

do you like girls😳

[februaryberries]

Study (?) tips that you don’t see on every study post

Hi gamers, I just finished my first year at college/university!!

This year was really a struggle for me because I was trying to get the help I needed for my mental health, and I did not succeed until literally the week before finals spring term. I just got diagnosed w ADHD and put on meds (thank god) and I’m excited for the next year to come.

Though this year was absolutely grueling I did discover some little tips that can really help ! This is coming from my experience w ADHD but it could relate to other neurodiverse learners as well ! Even if you are neurotypical some of these might help !! 

This post got really long so I’m gonna put it under the cut but, main Idea is bolded w a more in depth explanation underneath ( for those like me who see a block of text and go running)

In no particular order:

If you can/are up for it take a class before noon even if you are not a morning person. I am NOT saying take an 8am when u regularly go to bed at 4am! Bc that is dumb bb pls get some sleep. In my experience once I go to class my brain is like “oh things are happening now, it is actually a day and not just existing in a timeless hellscape.”

Once I am out of bed/out of my room I am at least mildly more productive for the rest of the day. Going to a class before noon means you are up and doing things for the day and early enough that you still have light. This ties into the next one

Start while it’s still light out!! At least for me I gain so much happiness from natural light/sunlight, and it is very hard for me to do things let alone START things once it’s dark out because my brain is like nope the day is over now. Plus in the fall/winter days days are getting shorter and shorter so it’s important to make use of as much daylight as you can. I feel like a plant w how much I rely on light to survive but it really does help! 

Put on ‘Real People’ clothes. This is something that really helps me, even if it’s just like, jeans and a turtleneck, maybe tucked in w a belt. I’ve found that when I put on academic-y clothes or like Adult clothes it helps me switch my brain into school mode. It’s kinda like putting on a uniform for work? If I’m in too loose of clothes or like pyjamas for example, I’m much less likely to be able to switch my brain into productive mode. For me especially its when i’m wearing tighter clothing rather than baggy ones? Like i said a turtleneck which like the sleeves are fitted to my arms, and jeans or pants that are fitted to my legs. I think it helps because it makes me more aware of my body in the space? Idk.  figure out what real people clothes feel like to you, and then have a couple of go to outfits you can slip on when you’ve been in a hoodie and sweatpants all day and really need to get some work done. 

On that note, put on shoes. For me along w the tight clothing, I do better in shoes, specifically ones that lace up and can be tight. Like hightop converse, or boots, or even dress shoes w laces. I think in a way my body needs to be contained so I can focus on something? I’m not sure why I feel like that but i’ve learned to work w it. Putting on shoes for me helps because

1. I’m not distracted by what I’m putting my bare feet on (i cannot stand wearing socks unless im wearing shoes so yes bare feet)

2. I’m not getting distracted by my floor n the fact that hey maybe i should sweep bc there are some crumbs sticking to my feet now.

And 3. You put on shoes when you are going to go outside and go somewhere. It’s like putting pyjamas on to go to bed, you’re brain associates those items with doing something, so putting on shoes can signal to your brain hey we are doing something now, and that something is work.

Talk to your teachers !! I understand sometimes you have a teacher from hell and honestly idk what to tell you at that point but in  a lot of cases teachers can be very understanding !! The amount of support I’ve gotten from my teachers this year is absolutely insane and 100% the only thing that made it so I didn’t get kicked out of college. Like reaching out to your teachers shows that you care! if you have to take a mental health day sometimes let them know !! i would always let my teacher know that I really wanted to be in class but I just couldn’t handle it that day. They also can help connect you to resources you didn’t know about ! 

Look into what resources your school has !! I was talking about how next year is gonna go now that I’ve been diagnosed and such with my friend, and how I was gonna contact the DRC (disability resource center) and she didn’t know you could get support for having ADHD!! Like I know you can get extensions on due dates, attendance forgiveness, and even potentially note taking assistance when you have ADHD and talk to them. even if you are medicated it doesn’t 100% solve everything and there are still ways to get support! Whether its study groups, writing centers/support, tutoring, or even contacting your drc or whatever your school has, it can really help!! I’m definitely going to take advantage of these resources if I can next year ! 

Find a place outside you can go to clear your head (or have a mental breakdown) 

I can’t even begin to count the amount of times i’ve been freaking out over something or stressed out of my mind and my room started to feel to stuffy and claustrophobic and i just needed to get OUT. try to make sure it’s somewhere safe and close that you can go to even at night. (maybe try to shoot a text to your best friend that you’re out and if you don’t let them know you’re home by a certain time to start raising alarm, your safety is the most important) I tend to like to be up high because i’m further away from people, and the streets and I’m closer to the sky.

My go to thinking/breakdown spot is the roof of the parking garage a block away. It has stairs that are easy access and the top levels are usually empty even during the day. It really helps me to just go out and listen to music and collect my thoughts sometimes. My head can start going a million directions at lightspeed and I need to stop and be present, and being outside helps. It’s a good way to regroup.

Spend 10 minutes picking up your desk/work space. I tend to let my room get cluttered and messy and out of control a lot, to the point where I know it’s going to take at least a couple hours to get it clean again. It is also hard to focus when you’re in a messy environment. I would stress myself out and be like “well i HAVE to clean my whole room because I can’t focus if my space isnt clean I cant start until I clean” and then I would put all of my productive energy into cleaning, and get maybe halfway done before burning out and going to bed.

You’re never going to get any work done if you keep in this mindset. So instead just spend 10 minutes picking up the garbage off your desk, put the dishes in the kitchen, and put things back in their place. Then you will have enough space to work on your assignment and that space will be free of clutter so it won’t be as stressful. 

DRINK WATER DRINK WATER DRINK WATER

Have a water bottle in front of you when you’re studying/in class. I get fidgety a lot when i’m in class/studying (thank u adhd) and so having a water bottle is a way for me to fidget I guess? Depending on the water bottle, you have little steps you have to do to drink that help u fidget,

for example: pick it up, take off the lid, drink, put the lid back on, set it down.

Or pick up, push button that opens drink hole (?), set back down.

When I have a water bottle on my desk it satisfies my need to do something with my body and comes with the bonus of staying hydrated, without me having to lose focus doing something else. Also you won’t get distracted by a sore throat or the realization that you are really thirsty.

Pay attention to why you’re not paying attention. Not everything that works for me is going to work for you, so you have to figure out what works for you. I started to notice that I would be uncomfortable or feel funny working when I was in baggy clothes and that helped me figure out I needed to wear real people clothes. If you find yourself getting distracted, take note of what is distracting you. maybe try literally making a list of things that distract you, so then you can identify patterns and how to combat them !

That’s all I have for now, I hope some of these could maybe help? All of these have helped me actually complete an assignment occasionally, and somehow keep my ass in college. I just want to say that my experience is my own and things that work for me aren’t going to work on every one. college can be really tough, especially your first year when you’re trying to figure everything out. I may not have all the answers but feel free to shoot me a message!! i’m here for you if you want to ramble about an assignment you’re fed up with or a teacher you hate or anything thats bothering you !! Everyone’s college (and life) experience is different so don’t feel bad if yours doesn’t look the same as the people around you ! Remember to take care of yourselves !!!

Have a good day :)

[ttlmt]

death, the star, and the moon <3

death: are you, for the most part, the same person you were five years ago? if not, what are some transformations you’ve gone through?

oh god. five years ago i was in grade ten/eleven, deeply depressed, and in a class that i hated so not that different. 

genuinely tho, so much has changed. i’ve known i wasn’t straight since i was 12 years old, but at that time i was deeply closeted to myself and everyone else. i was being bullied nearly every day, my mental health was taking a major downturn. in the past two years especially, so much has changed. i broke for good in 2018, and i didnt start putting myself back together until 2019. i started going to therapy, i came out to myself, i let myself be the nerdy person i am, i got diagnosed. i started standing up for myself. i forgave myself for everything. i realized i mattered. and fuck am i still mentally ill, and struggling every single day. but i am so proud of myself for every day until now. 

the star: when you’re struggling, what gives you the hope you need to hold on?

answered here :)

the moon: what is an area of your life or of the world as a whole that you find yourself confused about or disillusioned with?

school. what i want to do with my life. i love being creative with my whole heart, but the way my school is formatted this year is making me hate my work with my entire being and i don’t think i can forgive them for that. like objectively, if i take a step back, what i am getting to do is so ridiculously cool. but in the moment, i am miserable. college (at least in my experience) isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, but the people are what make it worth it. and i am hoping when i get to hopefully pursue my BA next fall at a new school in a new province on my own, where i can be myself, i hope i can fall in love with making stuff again. 

im also just confused about what i want to do in life. i am horrible at idea generation, but i love helping people bring their ideas to life and working together. i love video editing and trying to learn new software and figure out how to make this vision in my head into a reality. i love performing and making podcasts with my friends and making people laugh. i love writing for that medium as well. i know jack about graphic design but i love it. i love merch design. and i want to do ALL of these things and idk how to do that. 

[normal-thoughts-official]

Hey I m just curious..What are your headcanons on how malec brought unity in shadow world after being married?what are they up-to now? What happened in the one year gap we see in the finale?how is being high warlock of Alicante really been for Magnus?Do you think being in Edom has brought a change in his magic coz IDK but he looked kinda different & more powerful in Edom.He must have gone through mental struggle after that which was never addressed. Sorry this is too long so feel free to avoid

nah this is great and i love ur asks! im sorry it took me so long to answer this euaeiusndjandsa but anyway, right, what are malec up to politically speaking

honestly i dont really know about alec because, uh, first of all the show fucked up yet again by making alec inquisitor, which is kind of like, the equivalent of the judiciary power in the shadow world? so he’s not really being able to change the law, just kind of applying it, which is. hmmmm. i mean i guess we don’t even know if shadowhunters have a tri-partition of the power anyway, and i wouldn’t be surprised if they didn’t because their society sucks, so maybe the judiciary and legislative power are the same, who the fuck knows. and i mean in the brazilian context at least the judiciary power has been really important in keeping the executive power (aka the president bolsonaro, aka a completely nuts fascist) at bay, because they basically rule his most like clearly authoritarian ideas out. but that’s because they can because most of what bolsonaro tries to do is not even constitutional, and brazil actually has one of the most progressive constitutions in the world from what i’ve heard - it mostly just doesn’t translate into practice lmao. so do shadowhunters have a constitution? like technically they claim that one of the reason the shadowhunters exist is to protect downworlders, so maybe as inquisitor he is going around being like “this is against the principle of protecting downworlders, im ruling this out” and deeply frustrating the clave legislative and executive powers, which is a nice mental image. so maybe that’s what he’s doing? like i don’t really believe in “changing the system from the inside” but it is good to have an ally in such a position of power so that’s definitely useful to fight off the brand new ways in which the clave decides to fuck downworlders over

as for magnus!!! i know quite a number of people, especially magnus stans, hate the whole “high warlock of alicante” thing and i can understand why - i deeply hated that magnus lost his position as high warlock of brooklyn for making basically the smartest decision at the time and it does feel kind of shadowhunter-centric, like, oh alec is in idris so i guess magnus has to be, too. but i actually think the whole “high warlock of alicante” thing has such amazing potential that is almost never discussed neither by the part of the fandom that is enthusiastic about it nor by the part that is wary of it. like first of all, the very existence of this position means that magnus made, and is making, history. warlocks weren’t even allowed in alicante before. somehow, within a year, the organized downworlder resistance has managed to rule this out and not only be allowed in alicante, but to be politically organized in the very heart of the clave. and magnus was chosen as their representative in what is possibly the most tense place for them politically. i know the finale was kind of like “racism is over now” with the whole “magnus getting constant calls to update wards so they allow downworlders in” thing, but i’m gonna ignore that because it’s not that quick or that easy. but the idea that the downworlders are occupying a space that has been denied for them since always, choosing representatives for them, and organizing to fight shadowhunter bigotry???? is rad as hell. i also think that from that point of view magnus’ position is way more important than alec’s, and that might be because, again, i don’t really believe in “changing the system from the inside” even if i do believe in haing allies there. but while alec is like, mostly keeping the worst at bay, magnus is being able to actually put forward warlock political demands and calls for rights, fighting the clave from outside of it, pressuring it and keeping the downworlders organized. im thinking like downworlder assemblies - we don’t really know how the whole “high warlock” thing works but i’m gonna choose to believe it’s a way more democratic position than the show implies, especially because i mean, magnus would want to listen to everyone he’s supposed to be representing and make the whole process as participative as possible. that’s also important to keep a community organized and if they weren’t there’s no way there would have been so many changes. so i think the downworlders in general, but particularly warlocks (since seelies, wolves and even vampires seem to have an organization thats closest to monarchy, and warlocks organization beyond the fact that high warlocks exist and are voted for was never mentioned. also i just love the warlock community as y’all probably already know, i’m a sucker for them and i think they’re amazing) have assemblies and places of political discussion in Idris. so the idea that magnus gets to be the high warlock, that he’s trusted to lead them in such a delicate moment in shadow world history, that he’s succeeding, sounds actually amazing to me. 

i just love imagining that they have regular assemblies, where they discuss their next steps on the fight and demand for equal rights. downworlders striking? beautiful. downworlders building their own self-organized spaces in idris, such as schools and health centers where they can be treated or taught without the bigotry that goes on in shadowhunter schools? stunning. downworlders building a tight community together in idris, rather than keeping their own council separated like they used to, looking for unity while still respecting their cultural differences and right to isonomy? chef’s kiss. downworlders rallying to push for political changes? brilliant. i think the potential magnus’ position has in this context is so underrated. there’s so much he could be doing - and i’m sure is doing - with that. the finale pushes a little too far with the whole “everything is good now” thing, i think, and it was definitely harder and bumpier than they make it look - a lot of defeats, a lot of struggle, a lot of fights both within and outside the community and even more with the clave. they’ve definitely been working their asses off and getting frustrated constantly, but they’re also building something amazing as downworlders. they are effectively changing a lot and the very existence of magnus’ position proves that. the downworlder community in idris is possibly stronger than anywhere else and has a lot of its own spaces that are being built and while i don’t like the idea of “leaders” particularly because i’m a dirty little anarchist, i think a lot of that is thanks to magnus. so yeah i think this has a lot of potential and also it’s very possible that lorenzo is eating his heart out in jealousy, which is always my jam

[toxikbubblegum]

May Reading Wrap Up

I'm actually really proud of myself. I finished 13 books last month. Spent a lot of extra time away from screens and focusing on my mental health so I burned through way more than I normally would. So anyways, here's my reviews. - Also please understand that these are just my opinions and if I shit on your favorite book I'm sorry that I didn't enjoy it as much as you. Also, also Im terrible with character names.

Daughter of Smoke and Bone by Laini Taylor ⭐⭐⭐

I actually started this book at the end of April but didn't finish it til May 1st so whatever, here it is. This books is a YA urban fantasy novel about a girl with a double life. She spends half her days studying art in Europe and the other half running errands for a tooth collecting wish monger. I don't want to say a whole lot more because I dont want to spoil anything important about the plot. So, I'll try to be vague. Let me start by saying this story is amazing. I loved the writing and the world. I rated it so low solely because I can't stand the two main characters and it really dragged down what would have otherwise been an amazing novel. So yeah, great book but its a preference thing. Also took points off for the insta-love but not really insta-love shit. Idk. I have a lot of mixed feelings about this read even a month later. Gonna read the second to see if maybe my hatred of the two mains was just a fluke.

3/5 Stars

Spellbound by Rachel Hawkins

⭐⭐⭐

This is the third book in the Hex Hall trilogy. Not much to say about it. It was a meh ending to an overall pretty good series. 3/5 stars. Moving on.

The Wicked Deep by Shea Ernshaw

⭐⭐⭐

Realizing now how many of my reads this month were pretty middle of the world. Hopefully next month will be filled with 4 and 5 stars. Anyways, this book was honestly a struggle for me to finish and Im not sure why. It's a YA mystery magical realism story about a tiny coastal town that is cursed by the spirits of 3 sisters who were suspected of witchcraft and drowned 2 centuries prior. Because of this, every year the sisters return from the sea to take the lives of teenage boys by luring them to the sea. We follow the life of kind of meh and standard YA girl #1. She meets a strange non tourist boy and hires him to work in the lighthouse her family owns. Her dad randomly disappeared years ago and her mom is a loon. So yeah... I dont know. I kind of felt like this story was hot garbage in places. I usually dont have any trouble with the suspense of disbelief in magical realism stories but this one just had too many plot holes. Like, I get morbid stuff becomes tourist attractions but why wouldn't someone have stepped in and evacuated the town if at least 3 teenage boys die there EVERY SINGLE YEAR without fail? I honestly feel like the FBI or some other government agency would have cleared the place out after the first 20 or so deaths. There was also the whole MC can see the ghosts of the girls possessing people but chooses not to tell anyone? Like, I get it. You dont want people to label you a freak or think you're crazy but come the fuck on. You live in a tourist trap where people flock to watch local teenage males wash up on shore and you really think the authorities arent going to take you up on the help? It wasn't an awful book by any means. It was well written and extremely descriptive. Just had major beef with some of the details. Anyways, I wont say much more so I don't spoil the whole book.

3/5 Stars

An Enchantment of Ravens by Maragret Rogerson

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

Finally, I get to talk about one of my favorite reads of the month. I love anything to do with the Fae in my YAfiction and this was literally everything I wanted in a Fae novel. It takes place in a town called Whimsy, a humanish town in the world of Faerie. The fae cannot do any Craft, or what we would consider craftsmanship. Art and humans who can do it well are very precious in this world because the Fae can't ever do it themselves. We follow the adventures of a girl who has been commisioned to paint the portrait of the Autumn King and the chaos that ensues. Let me just start by saying this is one of those insta-love situations where I feel like it's genuinely ok. I might be making excuses because I loved the title so much but whatever. It's explained and I accept it. Also, I realize that Gadfly had a lovely description but my brain willl not let me picture him as anything but Mr.Waternoose from Monsters Inc.

5/5 Stars

The Night Circus by Erin Morgenstern

⭐⭐⭐

This book started out so good and went downhill very quickly. It follows the story of these two magicians who were fated by their Master's to one day fight to the death. There were so many things I loved about this book only for the last 100 pages to just take a firey dump on my face. I loved the setting and the majority of the characters. The supporting characters were so deep and interesting that I almost cared more about them than I did Ceilia and Marko (Im proabably wrong and I dont feel like googling but I think that was his name) . I don't know. I don't want to complain about anymore meh books.

3/5 Stars

Matched by Allie Condie

⭐⭐⭐⭐

Went into this book expecting to hate it. I usually don't like contemporary love stories but this had major City of Ember meets The Giver vibes and it just appealed to that 14 year old girl in me again. That seems to happen with a lot of dystopian utopia stories. Anyways, story is about a girl who lives in this town where when you hit a certain age you are brought to a place and told who the government has chosen for you to marry. She is matched with her life long best friend and all is well. Except that her little Get To Know Your New Husband microship thing showed her two guys instead of just one. And lots of bullshit ensues. I honestly think I rated this so high because I enjoy the world and not so much whats actually happening to the kids. Like, I loved the idea that art is harmful so the government chose 100 acceptable pieces and thats all these people know. I loved the brutality of the government in general. I can't say much more without spoiling some of the twists but geez did it have me hooked. I'm going to be started the second one soonish, though my TBR for June has gotten intense so we will see.

4/5 stars

Six of Crows by Leigh Bardugo

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

I cannot say enough good things about this book. It is so fucking good! Not going to rant about it or anything because y'all just need to go read it immediately.

5/5 stars

Would give it every star in the sky if Im being completely honest.

Reign of the Fallen by Sarah Glenn Marsh

⭐⭐

Got sucked into this book by the cover and honestly that was the best part of this book. Its about this world where necromancy is pretty highly regarded and used to resurrect the royals after they die. The only downside is that if a living person ever lays eyes on the resurrected person's skin then they turn into these horrible monsters. Maybe it's just me but like that absolutely does not seem worth the risk. Plus, in order to bring the person back, these reapers have to go into the death world and bring the spirit back. And it's HELLA DANGEROUS. So like, WHY? Anyways, there is this stupid underlying love story that I absolutely wasn't invested in. This just all around was not a good book.

2/5 stars

Monster High by Lisi Harrison

⭐⭐

Little known fact~ I'm obsessed with Monster High and Ever After High. So yeah, I realize this wasn't targeted to me as an adult but even going into it with an open mind I was disappointed. Granted I didn't read the description of the book prior. I just saw this franchise I love and grabbed it. First, if you are a fan of the mini series and the movies do not read this. It doesnt follow the cinematic canon and I think that was my biggest problem with it. Frankie's character was all wrong and I hated the whole"Normy" cast. Was really excited for these but I definitely won't be continuing the series. I don't even want to torture myself with seeing how they manage to ruin my sweet baby Draculara.

2/5 stars

Unhinged by AG Howard

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

I can't say enough good things about this series. This is the second book in the trilogy and it was a fanatstic bridge book. It had me engrossed through the entire audiobook. Morpheus is still everything. If you loved Splintered I would highly reccomend continuing.

5/5 stars

Truthwitch

⭐⭐

Have had this on my TBR for a while because of how many Booktubers have hyped the series. Buy, was I disappointed. I was soooooooooo bored. Maybe it's because I don't really enjoy this type of fantasy or maybe it was just the slower paced story but I just slugged through this book. Both of the main female characters were bland to me and I didn't care about their friendship. The world was cool but not enough to keep me invested. Just wasn't my cup of tea.

2/5 stars

Paranormalcy by Kiersten White

⭐⭐⭐

Picked this up because of how much I loved The Dark Descent of Elizabeth Frankenstein and it didn't meet my expectations. It follows this girl who works for a paranormal gorvenment group. She has a special ability that makes her really useful to them so they are trying to groom her basically. They capture this changeling and she befriends him and there is an overarching plot that I just didn't get invested in. The friendship between the two main characters was pretty much the only thing that I enjoyed in this title. The mother figure was insufferable and I just didn't really understand the whole org that they worked for in general. Not an awful book but not fantastic.

Solid 3/5 stars.

The Siren by Kiera Cass

⭐⭐⭐⭐

Going to preface this by saying I might be biased. I love Kiera Cass and have enjoyed almost everything she has written. That said, this wasn't nearly as good as The Selection series but it was a pretty good stand alone novel. It about a girl who becomes a siren on her deathbed and spends the next 100 years serving the sea by luring people to their deaths. After doing this for 70 years, she falls in love and pretty much ruins everything. Loved the characters, especially the male lead. The insta love was a little pet peeve of mine but the love interest was so sweet and genuine that I was willing to overlook it. Pretty good read if you dig supernatural romance.

4/5 stars

June holds the Ghibli-a-thon but also lots of holidays for my family so we will see how much I actually get read. So far my tentative TBR is 5 books but we will see where the days take me.

[hobimysun-shine]

bts as billie eilish songs

I love both artist so much because they are so diverse, so driven and in love with their art, so here’s what my mind created at 2am when i actually gotta study for an exam, but anyhow, enjoy

Jeon Jungkook - Ocean eyes 

“Can't stop thinking of your diamond mind Careful creature Made friends with time”

- color scheme: Venice lavender; purple rain; valor blue 

- grey clouds, quiet ocean, salty air, cold sand, bare feet, long sweater, careful wind, watery eyes, 

- angelic, naive, trusting, incapable of stopping emotions

- a feel of uncertainty for the future, because you still have so much to experience in life, it’s hard to know who to trust, where to go and what your tears mean, who you should give them to 

- young love, pain

- it basically speaks of someone who is impressed by another human - love based on instinct and intuition, when you’re young you just feel things, even if you don’t know where these emotions come from (jungkook-namjoon relationship) ; 

- trusting someone by the feeling you get around them, without being able to trust your common sense,

- have you seen jungkook’s beautiful, ocean, doe eyes ?? (if not, then wth you doin’ with your life))

Park Jimin - idontwannabeyouanymore

“I just wish you could feel what you say Show, never tell But I know you too well Got a mood that you wish you could sell

Tell the mirror what you know she's heard before I don't wanna be you anymore”

- color scheme: pale smoke; scotch mist; apple blossom 

- cold air, morning dew, raindrops at the bottom of your window, the fabric softener your mom uses to wash your sheets, soft breathing on the side of your neck, white mirrors 

-  self-persuasion, self-critique, inner conflict, serenity, content, libra’s aesthetic approach

- if you have listened to lie and looked at the lyrics, you know why i chose this song for jimin 

- you basically get the feeling that the person is speaking to himself in this song, trying to find an answer, as to why he puts himself through all these hardships, when he could break free from this vacuum of perfectionism he created for himself

- let’s be real, we all know what jimin had to go through and maybe is still going through with being too harsh on himself, with his body image and his appearance on stage, i hope he is doing well now and is content with himself, cause he is a 100/10 and we all love him so much 

Kim Taehyung - hostage; my boy 

“I wanna be alone Alone with you - does that make sense? I wanna steal your soul”

“ My boy's an ugly crier but he's such a pretty liar”

- color scheme: concord purple; red wine; aurum gold

- big windows, night sky, city view, studio apartment, dark walls, smell of acrylic paint, ripped jeans with that paint splattered on them, acoustic guitars on the walls, quiet jazz music, film paper smoke, deep laughter, strong arms around your waist

- artistic freedom, no fear of judgement, mutual understanding, chest butterflies, assurance, hope, soulmates, in tune with your emotions, who cares if the world doesn’t get us, we get us

- hostage just reminds me of two people, who connect on a soul level so much, that what happens is their love turns into mutual engagement, similar to keeping each other as hostages in their hearts, however i wanted to turn the meaning of that song less toxic for taehyung,, 

- i believe that if there’s a member that would want to connect with people in such level as the song suggests, it would be taehyung

- as for my boy, idk it just gives me a similar base line as in singularity, and i don’t know it’s just probably my fave song of billie and i feel like it is just taehyung’s vibe when i listen to it 

Jung Hoseok - bellyache

“ Everything I do the way I wear my noose Like a necklace I wanna make 'em scared like I could be anywhere Like I'm wreck-less

I lost my mind I don't mind “

- color scheme: marigold yellow; apricot orange; candy red

- summer heat, tan skin, blushed cheeks, endless roads, loose shirts, scratched knees, rich kids away from home, one backpack and a shiny red ford convertible from your bf’s dad’s garage, loud music, lips, swollen from kissing, night fireworks

- fed up with everything, escape from reality, that one summer you will never forget, vibrant love, point of no return, rhythm, gut intuition, boldness 

- i don’t know exactly either, it’s just these are the connections i make when i hear this song, and all of that screams hobi to me (aries moon) 

- also am i the only one who imagines he would make a killer dance routine to that song (but again he could probably dance to a water drops going down a pipe, so,,)

Namjoon - bury a friend; copycat 

“What do you want from me? Why don't you run from me? What are you wondering? What do you know? Why aren't you scared of me? Why do you care for me? When we all fall asleep, where do we go? “

“ Perfect murder, take your aim I don't belong to anyone, but everybody knows my name”

- color scheme: pearl river; silver fox, steel wood

- empty stage, burning projectors slowly being turned off, microphone heavy in your hand, as the words that went though it start to make sense, sweaty hair, footsteps echoing in the vast space, feeling of falling down, unexpected, but comforting hug, security, the calming scent of someone you know in this new environment, tears of fear and excitement at the same time, new life, new beginning

-  words said out loud, revenge, mixed feeling of content and fast approaching emptiness, always racing thoughts, insomnia, trying to fill a void, searching for an overall meaning, 

- so bury a friend is just has all these questions man. they remind me of rm’s mind. i feel like all of them are things he had already asked himself, or themes he implies in his songs too 

- copycat is for namjoon swiftly leading a group that got a ton of criticism in the beginning and is still getting hate, but regardless he manages to stay on top, write what he feels, be a real artist and throw everything people said about bts failing back at their faces 

Min Yoongi - lovely ; you should see me in a crown 

“Oh, I hope some day I'll make it out of here Even if it takes all night or a hundred years Need a place to hide, but I can't find one near Wanna feel alive, outside I can't fight my fear”

“ You should see me in a crown I'm gonna run this nothing town Watch me make 'em bow One by one by, one”

- color scheme: marble white; smoke ember; royal silver;  

- dark room, cold hands, shaky breath, unable to look at each other’s eyes, fear of the outside and the inside, pocket money, long fingers pressing the out-of-tune piano keys, weary smiles, small steps

                                          (....)

 steady hands, marble walls, scent of freshly printed documents, looking through a box of old photo albums your mom sent, turning the pages a larger hand stops you from flipping the next page, two teenagers than look awfully like you two are staring back fearfully, low chuckles, eyes full of love  

- strong minds, growth, stability, strength, control, prosperity, hard work, passion, ambition

- lovely is in here because i feel like it portrays struggles with mental health and depression very well. you feel trapped and you feel like there is no one else who understands your personal hell and you are the only one who has to find a way for yourself to get out of that place. yoongi has been in such places before as we’ve heard from him and his lyrics, so i though lovely represents his struggles when he was younger

- you should see me in a crown. literally that’s all i can say, he worked for his success and he got it and he deserves it and he is killing it right now

- yall don’t know the amount of respect i got for this man and everything he has been through and i feel like these two songs portray his lowest and his highest in life and take account every struggle along the way and how he truly deserves everything he has right now 

Kim Seokjin - when the party’s over

“ Don't you know I'm no good for you I've learned to lose you, can't afford to

Don't you know too much already I'll only hurt you if you let me

Quiet when I'm coming home and I'm on my own I could lie, say I like it like that, like it like that”

- color scheme: night snow, onyx black, muddy grey

- smell of liquor, messy steps, blurred vision, flood of thoughts, the darkest time of the night, dried streams of tears on your cheeks, your boyfriend’s hand quietly holding yours, but them you have to split ways, walking alone on the dead street, cold wind air hitting your face, but you find comfort in it, you reach home, but you can’t seem to go in; so you sit on the sidewalk, looking down; you hear distant steps; he sits down in the snow next to you; the sky slowly, but surely becomes lighter 

- quiet sadness, deeper understanding of the world, human relationships seem harder, yet simpler, timeless feeling, a sense of maturity

- this song is just a masterpiece. hear me out, i don’t think i would understand this song as well as i do now, if i have listened to it a few years back. I would have been like “oh yeah it’s sad”

-But like. no. It’s not just sad. It’s a song that shows so much maturity and experience with life that first of all, idk how billie is so young and is able to create music like that. Second of all i don’t think anyone else of bts would fit better to it, than jin 

- people tend to overlook his deeper emotions because he tends to distract from them, he always acts “silly” and tells jokes, but i feel like in songs like epiphany and awake we can see that jin really sees the world and his abilities from a much more mature point of view than other members. And i get the same vibe from billie’s song, so i feel like it would fit best for jin. 

So actually this was way longer than i planned, but yeah, this is just strictly my opinion and it was just an idea i had at 3am now, as i said, hope it’s fun to read :))

im off to bed, because i’m so sleep deprived i will start hearing colors soon 

[serenitylovee]

idk what im gonna do after high school

at this point in my life, things are looking very stagnant. i’m 16 and in my junior year of high school. i have no idea what i’m doing. or what i’m going to do. i’m kind of just lost. next week we take the sat.. i am NOT prepared for that at all. the third quarter also ends next week and i’m not prepared for that either. i’m not prepared for anything. and no this isn’t me complaining or trying to get anyone to feel for me. i think i know how i got to this place.. i think i’m just trying to make sense of everything and i’m having a hard time doing so. i was just depressed. or i still am.. i don’t know anymore. and i know no one wants to hear that, which is why i refuse to explain it that way. “i’m 16.. i’m a junior.. school is important, despite my mental health being on the ground.. everyone goes through things.. it’s a phase.. the world’s still spinning..” that’s what everyone’s gonna tell me. they don’t know that i literally can’t do anything. they don’t know they i try and try and try. they don’t know that i have so many unpleasant thoughts roaming through my head whenever i’m awake. they don’t know that i constantly have this feeling inside of me where i just feel uncomfortable— no matter where i am.. where i just feel sad.. and i don’t even know why. they don’t know that i feel like i’m reaching for something that feels so far away.. something that feels so impossible to reach. and i don’t even know what that something is. i just wish they knew that i don’t want things to be this way. i don’t want to skip two classes for two months straight and sit in the bathroom during those hours. i don’t want to get bad grades. i don’t want to go to sleep instead of doing my homework. if i could just do it— all of it— i would. if i could wake up everyday and be excited, i would. if i could go to sleep at a decent time instead of staying up until four in the morning because i don’t want tomorrow to come, i would. if i could just do my homework, i would. i would do it all. really, i would. but i. just. can’t. i wish i could. but i can’t. i’m mentally exhausted and it’s destroying the little bit of me that i have left and i don’t know what to do. i’m not lazy. i’m tired. and i can’t do anything. maybe all of this is because i lack so much motivation. or maybe i lack so much motivation because of all of this? if i’m being completely honest, i really don’t care. i wish i cared.. but i don’t. i don’t care about anything. nothing matters to me. nothing excites me. nothing makes me happy. everything is nothing. just nothing. i have no drive to succeed. i have no will to live. everything is just a blur. sometimes i wish i’d just die. i’m not exactly suicidal because i’ll never do “it” myself. i just wouldn’t really be too upset if someone else did. nothing is how i imagined. i mean, i didn’t think i’d make it this far so i didn’t really create any plans.. i’m just out here winging it and doing a bad job at it. me and my friend call it “the c word”. i have no idea what to do about that. no “c words” are gonna accept me. not when they see those transcripts. and where does that leave me? i mean, i’m not a big fan of school anyway, but i think i want to go. maybe i’ll redeem myself, then. i want to be a social worker. you could probably guess why. i have all of these goals but i am doing nothing to achieve them. i feel stuck. and this is not a good time to be stuck. i pray and hope for things to get better but faith without works is dead.. and i’m clearly not doing the work, so i’m just in a dead situation. or at least that’s what it feels like. i trust God.. i do. i’m just having a hard time with literally everything right now in literally every aspect of my life. i just wish He could tell me specifically which steps to take next. i have no one in my life to guide me. to check on me. to ask me how i am and is really interested in my answer. no one to ask me if i need any help with anything. no one to just hold my hand and walk with me through this very important time of my life. i’m all alone. and although i preach peace, love and kindness,