#just venting about school and life
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I just need to be told "You Can Do It" right now.
#I've gotten about 3 hours of sleep within the last 48 hours and I'm still behind in my classes#I don't know how I'm supposed to keep up at this point#Just grinding constantly for hours every waking moment of my life#I'm stuck wondering the same things#'When will it slow down?'... 'Will it actually ever slow down?'#If it doesn't i don't think i can keep up#Full time in college and full time in work#However#every time i try to speak my troubles or stress to someone they just chuckle#and ignore me saying ''well college is like that. welcome to the adult world''#Why does college have to be like this? why is everyone so fine with this?#I'm very unmotivated right now#My grades are all low despite the numerous 100%s I've been getting#And they're not going back up no matter how many A+ s I get on assignments#I don't like talking to people - it scares me terribly#So i don't like it when I'm constantly forced to talk to over 10 people every time i go to school (talk to your professor they say#I like to think of my job at my second home#at least that's not too hard and i love the people#But I just need things to get less intense school-wise#Just for me to get a decent amount of sleep please#Just a little bit#Please#i don't know#I'm not going on hiatus no worries#I love my blog dearly and cannot abandon it for my mental health#I just need encouragement#Because I'm so tired#Sorry for the rant I hate to vent#I'll delete this later if i remember#💬
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Having another rough day already as. usual
#🤖.txt#Another day another trying to not have a meltdown on my way to school#Im not even gonna . talk much about it bc its making me want to cry more and lol i want to cry for hours#Really sad and thinking a lot of shit and dont know how to make myself feel better#I need. to pretend im not alive but i cant do that anymore . Im just bad at everything now#Aughhhh#vent#Do you know how sad i am#i feel like i tried so hard to keep myself alive only to live like this and hate being alive. like this is so depressing#I dont even like thinking like this bc i have so many good things in my life rn and im very grateful for them#and yet theres not a day where i dont feel like this at least for a few hours#ugdhjd i know i'll be fine when im home i hope i get through today without feeling like this too much#I'll probably delete this later but i just need to leave this somewhere
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Hot tip:
If mental illness doesn't get treated properly / don't improve and festers for years it can turn into a personality disorder. Or any kind of trauma disorder. Or whatever. Point is it festers.
#still struggling with the avpd diagnosis. like yeah i do have peristant anxiety. but a) i hate how the medical field pathologized avpd and#b) dont really relate with how its portrayed? like the only kind of community if found is just people venting online#about feeling absolutely hopeless. this isnt helpful in any way for me. or about people being very rejection sensitive which im not#🤷#but like yeah. for me its just anxiety thats not very 'oh no what if i walk weirdly' (thats what i dealt with in school) but more smth#creeping from deep within and sometimes i dont even notice how it takes over. its not noticable thoughts or Anxiety as a Feeling.#similar to dysphoria in that it absolutely influences your life but you might never notice yourself#and then i also just have social anxiety. but thats managable. sometimes exhausting. but ive had social anxiety for more than a decade now#i can deal with it#its very situational#and with situational i mean casual conversation with real life people (mostly of my age). doctors#this has turned into a rant lol#about me#avpd
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i just rememberd adhd meds exist and now im upset because i could have that if it wasn't for that freakin neurologyst we went to see that told us it was impossible that i could have adhd because i have good grades in school. literally the ONLY question he asked me and immediately said it was impossible. we spent like 5 minutes there. he could've at least... explained something???? anything?????? and now i'd feel bad about asking my parents to see another neurologist because that costs a lot of money :((
#now im just unable to concentrate on anything and feeling very worthless#ok gonna start rambling here a bit#vent? ->#i'm just not good at anything except drawing. everything is hard and i don't think i'm capable of getting a job and contributing to society#in any way except drawing. my self worth is being held almost entirely by my ability to draw.#but i'm also incredibly slow and unproductive and it's so hard sitting down and starting a drawing and finishing that drawing#drawing is the thing that makes me feel alive and feel good about myself so when i can't draw i just feel really awful#i just wish i could concentrate and work and be productive man. why do i have so much stuff going on in my brain. why is everything so hard#sadge 😔😔#ok gonna try to draw i hope something cool comes out or i'm throwing my computer out the window and playing videogames#oh also another neurologist once told me depression can't be caused by school#i'm pretty sure it can but idk im not a doctor#what is up with these neurologists man#i know it's gonna get better tho. life might suck but i *am* a teenager and it's only gonna go up from here.#im still learning about myself and stuff. also no school next year that's gonna be awesome#don't wanna end on a sad note bc life is good actually#and i'm fucking amazing at drawing
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can't believe that my mom's favorite child is the one we haven't heard from in 4 years. Like, you care so much about what he does and what he likes but the child that lives with you? You can't even put your phone down to say goodnight and hug them. Even I'm able to do that.
#Tw vent#There's like a whole story#But yeah#Coming second to a guy who doesn't even care about her#I get it she's upset but#i'm overreacting#it just feels weird on how much she still talks about him#Like he's the light of her life#And then me? She doesn't even ask me how school was anymore
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actually stunned by how gay The Beatles has been all this time and I just never knew
#like its always just been there in my life but i just never paid attention#my university roomie was obsessed w them and had several beatles posters that i looked at every day#so stuff like the pictures of them from the let it be album are like engrained into my brain#and yet i never knew the lore??#nor did i know until recently that they were actually all high school buds nor did i know they wrote their own music#nor that they genuinely basically invented modern bands n using the studio the way they did etc. so all that was very impressive and cool#but THEN on top of that omg the angsty gayness of john and paul#like all i knew previously basically was that john was a thing w yoko ono and paul had a young wife recently#i had at one point heard of people shipping j&p together and was just kinda like wow i guess people will ship anything#I DIDNT KNOW#that they were actually like that cute and that insane together and that their song writing together was like an actual marriage#anywayz the old pictures and videos of them are just like jesus look how they look at each other i dont think it was just being bros#i am sort of in the camp of they prob didn't act on it for real but there was def some insane tension/chemistry going on#and then ofc once youre aware of this their songs take on so many possible meanings outside of just singing about their gfs and wives....#anyways i just have to vent about this somewhere bc im actually shocked at how this has just passed me by all these years#and it definitely was not on my bingo card for 2024 to fixate on the beatles but here we are lol#more proof to me that my ultimate fave trope or wtv is 'besties to enemies when really they actually probably wanted to be lovers'#gets me every time!!!!#whats been fun about this rabbit hole is how just every single one of my expectations has been reversed as well#i went in assuming i would like them best in this order:#(1) george (2) ringo (3) paul and (4) john#i was sure i would hate john i thought he sounded so pretentious and like such a douche#but no actually he is my fave one and it's literally in reverse order for me i find george my least fave#(i like his music and feel bad for how he got ignored in the band but i like him the least)#and then i literally am john paul ringo george in order of faves now#i just love when i get surprised like that idk it keeps me on my toes and keeps things exciting and fresh#and yes john is indeed pretentious and a douche but i didn't know he was also funny and vulnerable and that i like his voice and songs#the most in the bunch almost every time as well#the beatles#p
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80 or so years of life really ain't enough can I have an elf lifespan instead please? Or at least a dwarf's... I need at least a couple hundred years... Oh and a new spine every 5 or so years, if that's not too much to ask. 3. 3 years actually. Yeah, a new spine every 2 years, and a lifespan of 350-750 years, that's all I want really.
#SORRY this is such a random thing to be posting about and I guess it's a vent post haha#I suppose I've just been feeling a lot of... dread and fear lately... especially in the late hours...#''Lately'' as in on and off for most of my life but *a lot* as of the past few months#Like#Oh it's weirdly embarrassing to talk about this here it's a tad personal uh **tw (discussions of) death#But do you ever just feel paralyzed by the knowledge that one day you'll be 40? Or 60? Or 80? If you're lucky!#I worry a lot about wasting my life#I worry a lot about dying an unpleasant death#Or a painful one#I suppose I've always been gerascophobic...#But finishing school and turning 23 and not having a job and having just a hard time with my physical health lately...#I haven't been great I guess#I just feel like time has been moving so quickly lately!!!#And I've been going nowhere.#:0 not to be too much of a bummer y'all I'm not like feeling horrible rn or anything but I do need to vent I think#Cause if not it just stays coiled up inside of me.#*gah* I should channel all of this energy into Glenn in my pirate fic lol#😌 he's insecure (in part) cause he feels old#🥲 ough and I don't feel amazing about that most recent chapter but I guess that's a whole new vent#working on some different stuff for a bit.#ANYWAYS#I hope whoever happens to be reading this is having a good night ✨️#oh or day if it's day for you lol
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woke up at 4am feeling the weight of my life crushing me, so I’ve been sitting out in my car for the last couple of hours because I just need. to. be. somewhere else.
#tumblr ate something like this but I think I deserve to shout uselessly into the void#shits rough dawg#I know it’s rough for everyone. I feel shitty even talking about myself. still… compelled to vent… big butts#haven’t really been on here much since it hasn’t really scratched that itch lately & just makes me feel lonelier#it’s cold#saw the Jazzercise studio open across the street. 5am for Jazzercise? wow. early.#and then everyone left an hour and a half later. lights out. everybody gone. weird schedule. I am perplexed.#went down the road and got a soda and I’ve been sitting in my driveway contemplating for the last 2.5 hours#guy at the gas station tried to talk to me but I just half assed a smile and nod and left#even though I know I’d love to just… talk to someone. I suppose it has to be ‘on my terms’ whatever those are#I miss having a therapist. or even just when my little brothers would talk to me. when anyone would. blegh#my insurance is still a mess and I’m about to run out of one of my blood pressure meds this week#maybe I’ll have a stroke. scary to think about. I think about dying a lot but that potential feels too real. just… pop! and I’m done.#I’ll try today to finally push to straighten it out but everything feels daunting#woke up with so much anxiety. about my health. my hearing. no money. my life. had to get out of the house even if it’s just right outside#hate to say it but I need(want) thc. haven’t wanted to spend money on it but I could have really used it this morning#can’t be sad if you can’t feel anything (jokingly but also not. whichever is less sad sounding)#actually treated myself to Dune 2 last week and it was so so good. wish I could go again. but it’s drugs food or movie right now. so…#I know. dumb priority but BIG SCREEN. maybe it’ll hit theaters again for the next awards season hopefully. just a real nice loud experience#anyway… I should go inside. almost 7am. need to take my brothers to school then drive my mom to her daily appointments#I’ve felt so hollow and angry and sad for so long it feels like. I feels so weak and sad and I’m tired of it. I’m so tired.#I’ve been eating about 1 meal a day and sleeping a lot. this is the worst my body has ever been. I feel like I’m just waiting to die.#is this relatable?#just have to look past it. it is nothing. this body is nothing. just enjoy your soda.#gonna look at pictures of butts now#ok gotta go I love you goodbye forever#you can ignore this#text
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college is making me want to shoot myself in the head really bad, which is crazy because i thought i was completely done with feeling suicidal after highschool ended. my life is looking up and i have a lot to look forward to.
but the funny thing is. that beautiful future, which is the reason i don't want to die, is only obtainable through going to college and working very hard and stressing myself out all the time. which, in turn, makes me want to die.
#as per usual my mental health has been doing great and here comes school again to throw a wrench in the works#its so unfair that i cant be guaranteed a small house and a well paying job and a domestic life with my girlfriend just by surviving#i mean for my girlfriend i've tried to set it up so that that's all she has to do and i'll set up everything else#but surviving in itself is a lot harder for her than for i#i just want us to be O.K. !!!#and then there's the genocide that doesnt involve me but i'd be kind of a horrible person not to care about it#which i do care. i want to donate but i barely have enough money for myself and my girlfriend to live happily#and thats WITH my parents keeping me housed and paying for groceries bills repairs etc#AND college tuition.#swear to GOD i could be given like 10 thousand dollars rn and i would use almost all of it to help others just out of sheer moral obligatio#theres not even very much i would want to spend money on for myself rn#i like my current wardrobe enough and my doll collection is almost at full capacity so its gonna stagnate soon#and thats like. it. i buy myself snacks and stuff sometimes but thats all the ways i spend money for purely selfish reasons#besides that i just wanna help my girlfriend out and all those suffering in palestine#im rambling. i need a fucking break from it all sorry#life suddenly seems so bleak again#evilmartin430.txt#vent
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#tw vent#ah yes logging back into tumblr to yeet this and then going#i will persevere i will persevere i will persevere i will persevere#i've never felt this much like an alien in my entire fucking life and that's saying something from someone who was excluded in primary#school and has been since (regularly called devil spawn as well isn't it lovely)#i'm sick and tired of this#i never planned to make it past 18 but i did it regardless out of sheer fucking spite and will and wanting it to get better#and here i am six years later and just as miserable#except this time i won't have to spend weeks discreetly hoarding a stash because i never threw it out#and i know that's not the thing to do and that i should continue to press on and all that and believe it will get better but like#at this point i'm not sure if; even if things do get better that i'll even be in a position to appreciate it?#i feel fucking broken and i have been so utterly numb for most of my life#i don't know how to make friends and even less about how to keep them#i've spent my entire life trying to fit in and getting mocked and bullied for being weird#i adapt personality traits of everyone around me for the sake of never risking upsetting anyone or putting myself at chance of ridicule#i don't even know who i am at this point- i don't think i've ever known myself because by the time i became a teen#i was already hurting myself just so i could get some of my frustration out without making a scene or trouble anyone#it took six years for anyone to notice; six fucking years and even then all i was met with was anger#i hate being excluded and i hate being left out and people keep doing it and i keep doing it to myself#because i don't want to be here anymore but i don't want to hurt anyone so i remove myself from social relations so no one will miss me#i feel so fucking alone and it's all my own fault and i'm so scared to do anything about it#how can anyone want to spend time with someone who doesn't even know themselves? i'm a mess i'm sorry i needed to process my thoughts#but i guess i'll persevere#my cat needs me to#tw suicidal ideation#tw self harm
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(vent in the tags and under the cut. don’t read if you don’t want.)
sometimes i wonder if people would care if i was gone. there’s just no point anymore tbh.
#tw sui ideation#its honestly just been going through my head for a while#the past two weeks my parents haven’t talked about anything besides my brother#i kinda just feel like i’ve been forgotten in a way#i just feel lonely i guess#and i hate it#it’s just one of those days where i feel lethargic and just numb frankly#and i’m tying to keep posting because it’s not fair that others who don’t give a shit have to read my vents#but i just can’t do this anymore#i’m going through a lot rn#between yesterday and my dog being sick and school starting and my grandma getting surgery and having to move in with my family#it’s all just a lot rn#and sometimes i just think about it and i just hate it#i hate having dark thoughts like this#i’ve been my only therapist because i can’t talk to my parents#i can’t talk to them about this stuff or they’ll just give me the “you can be sad but you can’t pack up and live there” bullshit#I DIDNT FUCKING ASK FOR THIS#that pisses me off so bad#i didn’t fucking ask to have suicidal thoughts?#sometimes i’ll just choke myself with my dog’s leash as a form of punishment because it just makes me feel good#atp i don’t care if i go too far because it’s not worth it anymore#it just doesn’t feel like life’s worth living#there’s nothing to enjoy or look forward to atp#i just need a friend#i’m so tired of being there for people and then having to turn back to myself when i have an issue because im too cowardly to open up#i’m scared#i don’t have it bad like i don’t know why i feel like this#i have a good life#i’m just being a brat#i dunno
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I dont want to get things confused he said hed never settle for some boy he couldn't use so now I gotta call the doctor so he prescribe me medication so I can deal with all the memories of being here this way
#I fuckinh hate him#he doesn't even deserve to be thought about by me#let alone have lyrics dedicated for him#this stupid ass song is reminding me of him¿#I hate him oh my god#but it's like at every turn I see his disgusting face and I have to force myself to not break down just right and there#I get flash backs just at the slight reminder of him#I'm gonna vomit#I was doing so good until I fucking saw him#I might switch schools just because of this#it's not something I want but it's kinda hard to just do school and stuff when I think he's in the class right next to me#I see him everywhere#HE FUCKING TRAUMATIZED ME.#HE RUINED MY LIFE.#and I just have to “get over it”? get over it? get over it?#get over it? really? get over IT?#go through what I fucking went through then talk.#I'm so mentally drained#I don't wanna live anymore#I mean I was able to see all my friends at least once so..#that was one of the things I wanted before I died#finn yaps 🎀#vent#★ finn sings 🎤
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#vent#i still dont know how to react when family members or family friends whom Ive not seen a while ask about school and life#and then start going all 'oh are you still drawing? why arent you an artist? you were good!'#like I dont know how to politely say that I wanted to buy I got shamed into not studying art and every time I try to do anything#I am met with a lot of pushback from my parents#and how do I say that when my parents are there and will just acll me a liar on the spot?#you think I dont want to be an artist? you think Id rather not study and work in engineering? you think Im doing this because its my callin#no I just. dont know what to do anymore to actually achieve what I wanted and what I hoped I am good at when I was a teen#I dont think it will go anywhere at this point
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Hmm
#thanks for coming to my ted talk#vent#I know it’s just the 2 am talking#on top of some very shit events occurring today#but I feel like making some decisions that will ruin my life#not in a a danger to myself or others kind of way at ALL don’t worry about that#I mean like#destroying personal relations with my peers kind of way#I’m so utterly and completely fucked#my future roomate bailed on me 2 weeks before school starts#so if anyone wants to live in Muncie#my place is wide open#fucker#what is her problem#like legitimately#I’ve been making myself sick over this for going on#SEVEN HOURS#I can’t sleep#I’ve just been so utterly fucked over I don’t know what to do#and I’m not gonna have even an inkling of a solution until my apartment complex emails me back#and it’s a fucking weekend so who knows when that will be#if I think too hard I’m gonna cry about it#Steph is such a life saver tho. listening to me scream about this and playing video games drunk on call with me#fuck#I’m going to blow my goddamn brains out. but not actually#I guess on the bright side I might get to live alone
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you ever have one of those cases where you know your childhood wasn't exactly normal but then you take a look at one aspect of your life that you thought was just a quirky lil detail and realize maybe that was a bit more not-normal than you previously thought
#i spent my entire school years cooped up in my room pretending to study when i wasn't at school#no free time ever bc if there's free time then there's always something more important you could be doing instead of taking a break#just always trying to look like i was studying whenever anybody entered my room and i wasn't sleeping#maybe that fucked me up a bit bc now i never feel like I'm allowed to have any free time#or maybe that's just the adhd who knows#anyway that's also why i never went outside bc it never even occured to me that i could even ask for permission to go outside#or even just hang out with friends after school. fuuuuuuuuck wait is that why ppl have been thinking im weird for heading straight home#after school everyday instead of hanging out to chat and hang out even though i have nothing else to do#anyway what i was going for before that lil realization was that idk how to answer when ppl ask me about video games#bc you have to play those on your phone or computer and you have to pay for them too and of course my parents weren't paying for that#and it's not like i could've just got them myself bc i never had an allowance bc they expected me to ask them if there was anything i needed#but ppl aren't really expecting you to dive into how weird your life/parents were when they ask you about video games#so idk. maybe i should really just get a therapist so i can figure out what's normal and what isn't lol#anyway. i keep having these little realizations recently and idk why. i thought i already knew everything abt my own life#guess im just recontextualizing things based on new info or whatever#it's getting pretty annoying having new epiphanies abt my life when im just tryna get through school tho :/#mine#random#vent
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Wait shit people might actually care about me
#sorryyy for the personal posts lmao just not having a great time lately . ill go back to posting abt fandom stuff soon dw#hopefully the self loathing phase is over now cuz i really didnt enjoy that!#mf got me thinking thay everyone secretly hates me n itd be better if i was dead ahahaha#but like. my friends talk to me daily. my mutuals love me. i didnt go to school for like 3 days and my classmate who im kindaaa friends wit#texted me saying. and i quote “Hi [name]. I know its late but i hope your doing well. Hope to cya tmr.” (the full stops symbolize each text#cuz she sent three seperate texts)#and i was just. so flabbergasted at that#i didnt rlly think anyone would really notice if i was gone#i didnt think anyone cared me enough for that#i thought theyd just be indifferent to it#also i sound pathetic rn but i reread that girl's text over n over again when she sent rhat. was literally on the brink of tears#and i just. wow.#people might actually care for me. they might actuallynotice when im gone. they might actually miss me#ive been so inside my head n thinking allat bad stuff about myself that i. didnt think that people might see me differently than the way#i saw myself#really and truly i love you guys so much#even if we've never talked to each pther before or interact very little. i appreciate all of you. you guys rock#anyways aha i should stop rambling now loll. as for now i think im doing a bit better#life still sucks but hey at least i have my friends. at least i dont hate myself anymore now#at least now i dont believe that everyone was being friends with me out of pity#thank you all for everything :')#man i need a hug rn lmao#tw vent#tw sui implied#tw sui ideation#tw self loathing#tw self destructive behavior#<- dw about the tags i dont feel/do those anymore#if you wanna talk to me abt this or just talk in general hit me up!! i love talking to ppl i dont like being alone xd#love youu <33
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