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lovelyflora21 · 4 months ago

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I hate everyone else in the world (but you)

Summary: Drunk and in pain, Leon had an affinity for saying things he might not have meant to. Twice he did so. One was able to offer solace and comfort, the other the opposite.

Pairing: Leon S Kennedy x Fem!Reader

Tags: TW! Alcohol abuse, slight mentions of PTSD, depression. Angst. Hurt.

A/n: Hello! So this is my first attempt at writing again after such a long ass hiatus and break! This is also my very first (and hopefully not the last) attempt on writing a fic for Leon lol, this one’s gonna be a bit angsty! I wrote this with Vendetta!Leon and DI!Leon in mind, inspired by that one TikTok audio from Euphoria’s Rue and Jules’ scene and her infamous quote with TV Girl’s Not Allowed, playing in the background.

Hopefully you guys will like this one as much as I like writing it! Enjoy!

Wc: 1.5k

I hate everyone else in the world but you…

Was what Leon had drunkenly told her once. So lost in his drunken stupor that he’d blurted out those words in a brief moment of vulnerability and honesty. He might’ve as well said those three words instead. But it was the truth, and Leon S Kennedy was no liar. He was never good with lies anyways, why try now? And in response, she simply gave him that God-forsaken half smile of hers. Leon remembered vividly, despite being shit-faced drunk, how she simply shook her head then helped him off the couch to clean up.

I know. She whispered, more like to herself than to him. Then everything else after that was a blur.

It was sort of a routine. After that particular nightmare of a mission, Leon would drown himself in endless bottles of Jack Daniels or whatever alcoholic beverage he could lay his hands on. He was pretty much banned from the local bar he’d frequented so often, and no for the record, it wasn’t because he’d start up unnecessary shit–no. It was because of how much he’d drunk; to the point that the bartenders and keepers made it a point that they were concerned with the amount of alcohol he’d swallow in one seating.

Concerned. Leon finds it rather funny and ironic, in a way that; bars made money from selling alcohol to anyone who would be drinking them and yet here he was, getting banned all because they were concerned with him? He was a regular, he didn’t mind burning his money on alcohol! They should have been grateful! He was a regular, a paying one at that and he doesn’t start up shit! They were making money! And yet, he got banned anyway.

In reality, concerned was an understatement…

So he figured, what the hell right? He’s just gonna find an alternative, buy some from the local bodega or some shit and get shit-faced drunk in the comforts of his somber and dark, shitty apartment.

The apartment was fine before all this, decorated it minimalistically so he didn’t have too much stuff piling up and it wouldn’t be too much of a hassle for him to look after; but after the–after it happened, he just didn’t care enough to look after the damn place. Hell, he barely looked after himself. Leon was barely even showering. He’d shower once every two or three days, and didn't even care at all if people were giving him weird and funny looks for how disheveled he looked. Leon used to be pretty active and social, he would go for a light jog every morning before work or in the evenings after work, then shower and have dinner or maybe go on dates with her. But now? Now, his routine consisted of waking up in the middle of the day, eat whatever leftover was in the fridge, go back to sleep, wake up again then get so drunk he could barely remember anything then pass out on the couch then wake up with the worst hangover and repeat the same damned thing all over again. Rinse and repeat. Rinse and repeat.

It wasn’t helping him at all that the DSO was putting him on a temporary break too. He’d honestly much prefer to be sitting on his desk working on reports than rotting and wasting away like this.

But then she caught wind of this. This revelation. That the great, brave and strong Leon S Kennedy; the renowned agent that helped rescue the President’s Daughter and formed the DSO, has now become lessened to that of a drunk alcoholic. So jaded and bitter with the loss of his–no, no, he became jaded after, after…after it happened. That he resorted to alcohol rather than face his issues head on. Rather than see a shrink and work on it.

So the first time she came back around, it wasn’t easy. To have her, his muse, his flower, the only innocent and untouched being in his life, sees him this messed up and broken. He lashed out at her at first, then he broke down. For the first time. For the first time in what felt like forever, he was finally able to cry.

It’s okay, cry it out, let it all out. I’m here. Nothing’s gonna hurt you. I’m not letting you go. I got you.

Then he looked into her eyes and said it.

I hate everyone else in the world but you…

And the rest was history.

Then it was another new routine for him. She was always there, looking after him…looking after the place. Made sure he was eating, made sure he’d get cleaned up, made sure he was sleeping properly.

But he still couldn’t get over his drinking problems. Not anytime soon it seems…

Other people would have already abandoned him by now. Said it was all in vain, said he’d destroy her before he could ever get better. But she, she never gave up on him.

Until one night…

Leon had promised her, for a day, he wouldn’t touch anything that has alcohol in it and he’d finally go to therapy. It was paid and provided for by the DSO, as they should be. But he didn’t…

He never attended that one session (or the sessions before and after, she should’ve known better), instead that afternoon he went to the nearest bodega and got himself bottles of Jack Daniels. Then he went back home and got shit-faced drunk. Again. Like always.

And when she came over later in the evening, after she got off work; she was furious. More disappointed than furious, really. To find out that he didn’t go to therapy and he was drunk.

Then it was some back and forth arguing and Leon said some things he didn’t mean to.

Typical of a drunk, how typical of Leon.

See, the thing is, she was one to believe that; whatever came out from someone’s mouth whenever they were drunk meant that it was the raw and most unfiltered truth they wish they could’ve said out loud sober.

So when Leon said, “What is this now, you think you could nurse me back to the old Leon?! You thought out of all the people in this whole goddamn world, you could be the one to save me from being, from being this?! I tell you what sweetheart, you never cared about me, what you do have is a savior complex!”

It had been even uncharacteristic of Leon to say those things. And out of all the people he knew, towards her, too.

Cruel would be an understatement.

Leon wished he had stopped at that. Wished he had stopped and apologized to her after, but nope. He didn’t. Instead, when he saw her tear-filled eyes and her pursed lips, he went and sprinkle some salt on her wound.

“What now, you gonna cry and run away? Gonna cut me off too like how you cut off your other friends and exes? Right, you do. Because that’s what you always do! Run away and cut off everyone whoever said an ounce of truth to you, not wronged you–no, the truth!”

Then there was silence, save for his hard and heavy breathing that filled the space.

Leon remembers and forgets a lot of things. This is one that he’d hate to remember and unable to forget.

He remembered the way she stepped back, looked into his eyes and said it.

I hate you.

Then she disappeared from his apartment and disappeared from his life as well, after making it clear that she was done.

He tried reaching out to her, that very same night. Then the days that followed after, the weeks after. After Colorado. After New York.

She disappeared. Just like that.

So Leon gave up on looking for her.

And after a year, he thought he’d already forgotten about her completely. Thought he’d moved on.

He thought, after going to therapy, talking to his friends more and avoiding alcohol as much as possible; he’d finally move past that night. Move past her.

But it seemed he was wrong.

So when Leon was strolling down the streets of San Francisco during his free time, before his supposed mission–and he thought he’d heard a familiar voice, he couldn’t help but to look towards the source of that angelic voice. Could it be…?

And there she was. Gorgeous as always. Beautiful and bright, warm like the morning’s first ray of sunshine. A basket of flowers and groceries hung on her elbow.

So she did move away. That’d explain a lot.

Leon’s body had a mind of its own, approaching her before he could even process everything.

Hey there.

And suddenly everything came flooding back to him.

I hate everyone else in the world but you

But you, you who I’ve hurt so much more than anyone else in the world.

You who didn’t deserve the pain I had inflicted upon you. It was unfair. And I am so so so sorry. Wish I could take it all back. You didn’t deserve it. And then there was silence between him and her. Two birds, once of the same feather; and now? Now on opposite ends.

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#leon kennedy x reader #leon kennedy x you #leon kennedy x y/n #leon s kennedy angst #angst with a happy ending #light angst #leon s kennedy x reader #leon s kennedy x you #leon s kennedy x y/n #vendetta!leon kennedy #di!leon kennedy #Youtube

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kradogsrats · 6 months ago

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I've been kind of hesitant to voice this analysis/theory because honestly even I find it hella depressing, but... here goes.

At the end of s6e5: "Moonless Night," we have this kind of cryptic sequence with Viren:

Now, this isn't exactly subtle. It starts with a callback to Aaravos's "the human mage, already tainted by darkness and destined to play right into my hands," line (and a nice Callum > fake pearl > real pearl > Viren cut sequence) and ends with the kind of spider-and-fly imagery you bust out when you want the audience to really get the point. This sequence tells us in no uncertain terms, Aaravos will inevitably use Viren again... at least one more time.

I say it's cryptic because the eventual payoff is a lot more subtle, particularly since everything escalates so rapidly and is actually presented as a crazy, unexpected twist. Basically, there's no follow-up until s6e8: "We All Fall Down," where we have a highly specific series of events:

Sol Regem, under Phaaravos's direction, attacks Katolis

Viren decides to make the sacrifice of both doing dark magic again and losing his own life to protect the people from Sol Regem's fire

Viren successfully casts the spell and the people are protected

Phaaravos does this:

Once Viren has cast the spell (and is probably dying), Aaravos is pleased and ends Sol Regem's attack.

Aaravos needs three things to free himself: the pearl, the staff, and a sympathetic mage. He can't just possess Callum and free himself at the start of the season, because—whether that would work or not—he doesn't have the staff. He knows, however, that Viren is going back to Katolis, so he can influence Callum to switch the real and fake pearls. Then, when Viren arrives, the pearl and the staff are lined up... but Viren is no longer sympathetic (and possessing him wouldn't really do any good because like, come on... he's in prison).

The way that the attack on Katolis plays out gives him everything: the pearl and staff are abandoned in the chaos, leaving them free for Claudia. Viren, being dead, is also now unable to influence Claudia directly—not to mention that, despite what he told her in s6e1, he chose to do dark magic again.

There are several reasons that could be behind Phaaravos's smarmy little smirk there—either he's satisfied that the staff is in play and will be easily accessible to Claudia instead of buried under a castle's worth of rubble, or he's satisfied that Viren is going to die and that removes what could actually have been a very serious obstacle to Claudia's persistence, or... he's pleased that Viren has caved and done dark magic again, whether because that's leverage he can use with Claudia, or for a more insidious reason.

We can stop here, because "Aaravos uses Viren's loyalty to his family and Katolis to manipulate him to his death and to set up his daughter for digging herself deeper in aiding his own return" is honestly plenty of payoff as far as Aaravos "using" Viren a final time. BUT just to get a little tinfoil-hat, here:

How exactly are we supposed to understand the pearl got from the subterranean secret dark magic workspace to outside in the ground-level courtyard... except by Aaravos walking the dying Viren down there to bring it back out, then neatly arranging pearl, staff, and Dad's dead body in close proximity for Claudia's homecoming? Which is pretty fucking grim.

As a counterpoint, the one thing this series sometimes plays extremely fast and loose with is the space-time continuum: like, working out travel times? Good fucking luck—it takes exactly as long to get somewhere as the plot demands, regardless of distance, terrain, or mode of transportation. So "how did the pearl get into the courtyard" could just be one of those "how did Soren and Claudia get up the Cursed Caldera without Lujanne knowing"-situations where the answer is "it's fine, don't think about it."

Sure, the staff, pearl, and Viren's body are all suspiciously accessible, but we also don't have screentime for Terry and Claudia to do an extensive search of the rubble overlaid with sad music and intercut with flashbacks. Sometimes shit just has to be convenient so we can move along... but I'll probably still always kind of wonder.

#the dragon prince spoilers #tdp spoilers #s6 spoilers #aaravos #viren #claudia #dark magic #kradogsmeta

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littletealights · 7 months ago

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What makes you think that Arthur is a person of color? :0 just curious.

gladly.

so, at first, i thought it was me projecting but i think the first clue i got was eddie. yall might think i’m being dramatic but eddie was…suspicious from the get-go. in a normal situation like this, there’s actually 0% chance that it turns out the way it did for arthur.

but that’s beside the point. eddie knocks on the door and receives an unhurried response. he walks away to do.. whatever it is he was doing. arthur comes to the door, opens it, looks around and picks up some trash, muttering to himself. suddenly eddie has urgent business inside the office with a. flimsy excuse at best. strike one.

we, as the audience, know that arthur is being shifty because he’s just killed a man. eddie has been told, quite convincingly, that arthur was moving… boxes or something (im looking at the transcript, arthur just says ‘not furniture’ so…). and that arthur is working with sensitive documents. not sure if you know this but private detectives have to work with proper authorities to be allowed to operate legally. that means they work with the police and the courts. when a PI says a document is sensitive, they mean legally. they mean eyes only. they mean ‘come back later or i could lose my fucking license because you got the wrong look at classified documents.’ a building manager, especially their building manager, should know that. strike two.

he also asks for arthur’s partner, peter yang (who is, i can only assume, an east asian man). i should hope that i dont have to remind you that this is massachusetts in the 30’s we’re talking about, and what that means logically. but i will. america hated asian people the most they ever did until COVID in the 30s through the 60s. the only people they hated more were black and brown people. no matter how shifty and suspicious arthur was acting, eddie would’ve been… let’s just say ‘incredibly unlikely’ to ask for peter instead of the white man. strike three

there’s some little bits about subvocals and tone that i could say, but it’d be a lot and i don’t fully understand it enough to explain well why eddie set off alarms for me. because i dont have to. it takes 5 minutes (from 11:48-16:09 on spotify, so nearly exactly) for eddie to go from inconvenient, to annoying, to suspicious, to violent. and he ends the conversation with a very real threat of violence that essentially boils down to ‘don’t come back to the building again.’ eddie is a maintenance man. he did not have the power to evict anyone. unless, of course, they were a poc. so why was arthur worried about eddie when sneaking back into the building?

but, like i said, i thought i was projecting. projection and being-on-the-lam can easily explain arthur’s hesitance when delivering the baby and asking for a ride. or the gunshop in part 6. but the lighthouse? no, what really solidified it for me was the end of part 8.

here’s what officer collin knows so far: a visibly disabled man has stumbled, confused and upset, away from a lighthouse and a body that CANNOT have been killed by a human; and it is dark outside. that’s it. using this knowledge, he then proceeds to beat said man. brutally. repeatedly.

in part 9 they learn he is blind and when that timid little fucker (mitchell) expresses doubt, collin says this

this is something we like to call coerced confession. arthur did not kill that man (the lighthouse keeper). officer collin knows that arthur didn’t kill that man. (dont play, he knows.) but because it is convenient to say that he did, they’ll threaten and torture him until he says that he did.

now, friends, i’m not going to lie to your face and say that white folk are safe from the cops, youre not, i know. but what im also not going to do is pretend like there os any world in which this happens and arthur is visibly white. not in the thirties, not in america. despite being forgotten or unmentioned they are in the midst of the great depression, the exact last thing these small-town cops need is the arrest of a blind white man on their hands. regardless, i have never ever heard of a cop speaking this way to a white person unprovoked. i, on the other hand, have been spoken to this way myself.

this is already quite long and it doesn’t even cover the sheer magnitude of people who feel comfortable calling arthur (at his grown ass age of visibly-an-adult) ‘boy.’ or the wicked and downright racist way that larson says it, (genuinely. it sounds like he’s a middle school boy who discovered the word ‘fagg*t’ for the first time the way he says it. i couldn’t tell you how many times that word (boy) drove an ice pick through my fucking skull this season.) but i hope you can at least get the picture.

original post is here

#i know that this is only two reasons #but im serious #i was convinced by part 8 #every ‘boy’ and vague microagression since has only been another nail in the coffin for me #if you need more examples #im going to do a re-listen of it all soon and ill keep track like i did john’s ‘fuck’ count #i also had like four people ask me on my original post so ill tag then in the comments ig #malevolent podcast #arthur malevolent #john malevolent #i hate these dumb gays #anelleoriginal #askellie #i never know what to do when i get the same question more than once #like #how do i reblog my post and answer this ask at the same time so everyone who asked can see?#who knows?#not me #poc arthur lester #i guess it’s more useful/accurate to say that everyone *else* is written like arthur is a poc

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xhoneygirlxx · 1 year ago

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my salvation

Eddie Munson x reader

summary: when it all becomes too much, you go to one person.

warnings: established relationship, mentions of mental health issues, depression/anxiety, panic attack. pronouns not used, Eddie calls reader pet names (baby, sweetheart, honey, etc.). modern au!, current technology and movies mentioned. bad writing and not proofread, if there are any grammar mistakes pretend like it's not there. pictures used do not describe reader in anyway, only used for aesthetic purposes. 18+ Minors please go away :)

a/n: as someone who deals with panic attacks, sometimes all i want is for someone to just hold me. there's moments where i don't want any questions asked because i can become embarrassed very easily which makes it worse. if any of you guys are dealing with mental health issues, just know that you are loved, and my page is always a safe place <3

The room is shrouded in darkness, the only light is the yellow shine of the streetlamp outside your room. When you got home from work, you told Eddie that you needed to lay down, physically drained from the week you had just had. Your boyfriend being the angel he is, helped you into the bed and placed a wet kiss on your head, telling you if you needed anything just to call for him and he'd be there.

Work had been a nightmare recently, your whole department swamped with ten times the work you're used to due to an overflow of paperwork. Your boss, Doug, had been an asshole to you in particular, even though you weren't even the head of your team. It didn't matter because he made it a point to single you out, ride your ass all week, and when all was said and done he never thanked you for all the late shifts you pulled to get it all back together.

The whole way home all you could think about was your bed, curling up under the blankets, and just turning the whole world off. It was Friday night and rather than spend time with your boyfriend that you hadn't seen all week because of conflicting working schedules, you were laying in bed too exhausted to do anything else.

However you couldn't sleep, your eyes screaming to rest, yet your mind couldn't shut off. There was something happening, swarm of emotions starting in your mind, and you were trying everything to keep out of the eye of the storm.

As you stare up at the dark ceiling you could feel the burn behind your eyes, crawling it's way out to be released. Your body was sinking further and further into the bed like a cement block. The tingle of your fingers had alerted you, setting off the bells and whistles in your head.

The room that you were once in is now gone, replaced by grey skies and dark water. The waves are choppy, quick, and strong, pushing you around like a ragdoll being chewed on by a dog. Kicking your legs and pushing your arms, you try to stay afloat.

The pounding of your heart is loud, beating deafeningly in your ears like a kick drum. It's constant, it's overwhelming, and you can't control it. Your mouth won't open, refusing to cooperate like you swallowed a bunch of super glue, trapping it shut.

While you're trying to save yourself from the dark abyss you were heading into, you couldn't feel your legs anymore, like you were paralyzed by impending doom.

Here in the dark bedroom that you and your boyfriend share, you lay motionless, tears rolling down the side of your cheeks onto the pillow under your head. Your chest is moving rapidly up and down, trying to find the air that it desperately needs.

You're trying everything that you learned in your years of therapy, repeating all the street names of your childhood neighborhood, counting Mississippi's, naming every thing you see, touch, hear. Every tool, every lesson that you were taught, and nothing is working. The life preservers and rafts aren't helping you survive these tsunami like waves.

You can't do this on your own, fight this battle without any teammates. You know the minute you try to stand your legs will give out on you, so there's only one thing you can do. Reaching your hand to the nightstand next to the bed, you pat your hand around trying your last weapon.

When you feel your phone in the palm of your hand, you move it quickly to your face. The words on the bright screen are hard to see with the way your neck is craned and the tears that are blurring your vision.

With whatever strength you have, you text Eddie, praying to the gods above that he can hear his phone over his video game. Without trying to alert him, you simply tell him that you need him to come to you.

You can hear him, laughing and joking with his friends on his headset. The voice of the only person who can save you from drowning is right behind that door, yet he feels so far away.

Shutting your phone off and throwing it somewhere on the bed, you continue to sit there in the darkness, tied down by the invisible chains your mind has wrapped around you.

No matter how hard you try, you can't seem to get the oxygen to your lungs. The pounding of your heart is growing louder, the waves are getting stronger and stronger, pulling you completely under.

What you don't realize is that your salvation is right there, reaching his hand out and pulling you up from the angry sea.

Through the crashing sounds of the water you hear him, his voice brings you back to safety. When you open your eyes he's there, hovering over you, calling out to you like an angel at the pearly white gates.

"Baby," the mattress dips down beside you where he's sat, "Baby, hey, what's wrong?"

Blinking away the salty water from your eyes, you can see Eddie. His eyebrows scrunched up in worry, mouth pulled down with a frown. Because of the bright lamp he must've turned on, you can see his eyes, big chocolate pools swarming with concern, flickering back and forth trying to study your face.

The minute you register what's happening it all comes crashing down, the fear, the sadness, the worry. Your mouth that was once locked shut, has finally freed itself from it restraints. No words come out, only the loud sobbing that was trapped in your throat.

You can hear the shuffling from your boyfriend, the pressure of his full body weight next to you. He doesn't hesitate to hold you, engulfing you into a bear hug. You wish that you could feel your limbs, that the fuzziness that pulses through them would go away, so you could feel his touch.

Your whole body is shaking, releasing all the emotion that was trapped inside. The sound of your pounding heart is now replaced with your wailing that vibrates off of Eddie's chest. The cotton of his shirt is soaked with tears and snot, and you know that when you pull away you won't look pretty but you can't care, not when your lungs are burning with the sea water you swallowed while drowning.

"It's okay sweetheart, I got you." Eddie's voice rattles through his chest, right where your head lays. He repeats this mantra over and over again to you, like a prayer.

"I'm s-so sorry, Eddie. I'm so s-sorry." You don't know why you're apologizing and he doesn't question it, only rubbing his hand back and forth on the middle of your back.

"I'm so sorry, Eddie. P-please don't leave, leave me." The sentence is hiccupped through your crying. There's nothing for you to be sorry for, no reason for him to get up and leave you, but you can't help but repeat it over and over again.

Maybe you're apologizing because you hadn't seen him all week. Maybe you're sorry for interrupting his game session with the boys. Maybe you're apologizing to Doug for not being on top of your game at work. Maybe you're apologizing to the barista that made your drink wrong and having her remake it. Maybe you're sorry to yourself for putting up with every single thing and not sticking up for yourself. Maybe you're sorry for putting your body through torture everyday, not giving it the proper care and fuel that it needs to survive.

Every single little thing that's been bothering you is coming out now, the evidence on your boyfriends beloved Metallica shirt. You can feel your body deflate, like a balloon that's seeping out helium.

"Honey, I need you to take one deep breath for me. All I want is one big one, okay? Can you do that for me, love?" Eddie's tone is gentle even though he's demanding something you're not sure you can do.

With whatever strength you have in your body, you nod. With a whispered okay, he instructs you to follow him. His chest expands and then shrinks back down, your head moving with it. On autopilot you follow him, doing exactly what he did.

"There you go, baby. You're doin' such a good job for me."

The thing you once craved is now back within your body, your chest lighter than before. The muscles in your throat aren't tight anymore, allowing airflow back through. In that moment, Eddie's words and comfort is what brings you back down to your body. You can feel the warmth of his touch, his curls tickling your cheek.

Your teeth pulse with a heartbeat and your lips feel like your leg after you sat on it for too long. Everything is coming back to you now and you aren't scared anymore.

The cries that once ricocheted off the walls are now gone, the only thing that's heard is your breathing and small hiccups in between. There isn't a word spoken, not a question asked, just quietness. You push your face a little further into Eddie's chest, seeking refuge in the thing that just pulled you out from your demise.

After what feels like forever, Eddie finally breaks the comfortable silence. "You feelin' okay?" You don't respond verbally, rather nodding your head in response.

He hums, kissing the top of your head so lightly you almost miss it. He sits with you for a little bit longer before urging you up from your spot of comfort. Guiding you to the bathroom, he takes a cold wash cloth to your face, wiping away the stickiness of your tears and the mess of your snot with a light hand.

When you're all clean and your nose is blown, you follow him into the living room, where he sits you down. Turning off his game, he switched the tv to Disney plus to put on your comfort movie. Without another word, he moves into the kitchen where he opens and closes cabinets and the fridge.

Returning to the living room, he takes a seat right next to you, placing a plate with a sandwich on your legs. A cold bottle of water sits in his hand, you watch ringed fingers twist the cap off. Gently, Eddie puts his hands under your chin and lift the bottle to your lips, where you happily accept the cold water.

You eat your pb&j while watching Toy Story, taking a ragged breath every once and a while. When the sandwich is eaten, Eddie takes your plate and places it on the coffee table, and then hands you your water to take another sip.

Wrapping his arm around you, he pulls you into the side of his body, gripping onto you like his life depended on it. You don't mind it either, sinking into him with ease.

"My lovebug, so strong and brave. I'm proud of you." His hand pets the top of your head, pushing any loose hair out of your face.

Everything is right again, falling into place where it should be. Not everything is going to be like this, you remind yourself, nothing is ever bad when you have the love of your life sitting next to you. His scent calming you, the beat of his heart music to your ears, the heat of his skin comforting you.

thank you all for reading! love you all :)

#eddie munson x reader #eddie munson smut #eddie munson #eddie munson fanfic #eddie munson angst #eddie munson fluff #eddie munson x you #stranger things #modern!eddie x reader

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revalition · 4 months ago

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OCT 16 - PAIN THRESHOLD Shrug off the pain. They’ll have to hurt you more.

I love this guy a lot! even if he has some really questionable advice. I ended up dumping a lot of points into him in my first playthrough!

really simple drawings today, I've had a pretty bad headache all day. which you'd think would allow me to channel the pain threshold vibe better! but it really didn't. sadly the amount of love I hold for a skill doesn't necessarily correlate with how much effort I can put into drawing them (with a few exceptions lol). the one on the right was an old sketch I coloured... it was a relief I already had a halfway decent design for him haha

lots of quotes under the cut as usual!

pain threshold!!

fun fact - he does not refer to you as harry once. however he does call you: - pal - baby - son - buddy - man and none of these more than once. weirdo

PT also has the most anti-passives (passive failures) out of the skills, by a large margin. He has 31, second place has 19. He also has 3rd least passive checks.

quotes:

these two idiots!! causing mental and physical damage with their screaming... H/E coordination trying to reel it back in

<3 (this heals endurance!)

actual idiot skill

dudeee

he's so funny. he's fucking got this.

dying here

nooo

sigh

super normal.

he's a sad, sad guy

if you haven't been told yet that he has depression PT can figure it out for you!!! <3

sad PT in the final dream :(

this one too

he knows! he recognizes *fake pain*

dialogue after failing to save ruby... urgh

I really like this. 'A race to beat your own heart's pulse to some dark finish line.'

as always this is amazing.

:((( this is re: pawnshop roy

hehe

this one is always delightful. he has a sense of humour sometimes!

this whole scene was a mess, but this line in particular... I don't know, it just stuck with me. It's very vivid.

honestly, true

lol

sometimes these skills say some unhinged stuff, sheesh

poor guy, he's so sad

:(((

this one is brutal.

this guy has *issues*

ending it on this very important one!!! please look! during the last dream pain threshold tells you to pick the dialogue option that will cause her to leave and the dream to end... and volition tells you to keep dragging it on. hghh guys...

pain threshold is quite something. there are lots of instances of him telling you something painful feels good, or encourages you to do something that will hurt (both physically and emotionally). he also leads the finger on the eject button thought dialogue. My first playthrough I had FYS of 4 and I ended up dumping a ton of points in to PT cause I was fascinated by him. But I also had mega high volition cause I adored him too. they definitely did not have the same goals...

the first time I remember hearing from my personal PT, we were bowling and my wrist was really starting to hurt. and he was like, you should keep playing. thanks bro :/

anyway that's all. for tomorrow, physical instrument's design isnt super exciting to me, but I do have a bunch of good quotes picked. I can make a coach calling people a binoclard compilation...

#skilltober #de pain threshold #de skills #disco elysium #rev art

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fatkish · 5 months ago

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Gyomei Himejima x Suicidal Reader

(WARNING: contains dark thoughts, allusions to self harm, self hatred, mentions of suicide and other triggering topics. Please read at your own risk)

youtube

There’s no one left to care if this is the end, wondering what I’ll see once I have crossed over. There’s nothing left for me just give it all up, but my heart it clings on can’t pass the point of no return. Tell me why, give me a reason to continue to live. My resolve, if I could find it maybe I could fight. All alone, hopeless, I couldn’t stop myself from just wondering what I’d see if I died tonight.

Death had always been such an intriguing mystery to you. You never feared it, in fact, you were always curious about what it felt like. What happens after you die? What’s it like to be dead? Is there an afterlife? You always questioned it, never having answers. As you grew up, there were hard times, times when you became depressed, times when you resorted to hurting yourself, times you thought about ending it all. But then things got better, for a while, you forgot what it felt like to be so unhappy.

Would there be anyone who’d come to save me,they’re averting their eyes couldn’t even feel sorry.if I could find something I’d never give up, maybe I could survive in this bitter cold reality. All I know is the misfortune plaguing everyday, no one else would intervene just out of goodness of heart, give me something, a reason to look forward beyond here and now.Take that step from zero to one.

Until now. Sure, you had such an amazing and wonderful boyfriend, Gyomei Himejima. He’s so kind, compassionate and considerate of people. Despite his large frame the man is a gentle giant. His love is so sweet and warm and deep, you love snuggling in his warm arms. Laying your head on his chest as you listen to his heartbeat and his breathing. It slowly lulls you to sleep. Despite being blind he looks at you as if you’re the entire world. The sound of his laugh is like a warm day in fall, orange, yellow and red leaves falling all around you as you bask in the beauty of nature.

His loving smile is like being in a warm bath. The way he smiles and touches your face, gently cradling your face in his hands. You’ve never felt so loved. It feels too good to be true. Sometimes, you feel you don’t deserve such good things. You had told Gyomei of your past with depression and he had cried so hard, so deeply hurt that you felt that way and begged you to tell him if you ever had these feelings again. You had promised to tell him. You promised that you wouldn’t do anything without coming to him first.

Now with our own hands, we can make a future one worth living. Even if life comes with its share of bad luck, we will go on till everything comes undone. Tell me that this is worth the fight, I will find the strength somewhere inside me. My only reason doesn’t need to make sense, living for happiness til I meet the end.

But he’s a teacher. He’s so busy with school and you’re busy with your job. Sometimes, your work schedule doesn’t allow for you to see him at all, only being able to see each other for a few minutes at a time. Sometimes you’d go a whole week like this. You try to keep a regular schedule but sometimes your boss schedules you for late shifts. You always try to call and let Gyomei know whether you’ll be home or not. Lately you’ve found that your depression has come back and this time with a vengeance. When you take a bath alone, sometimes, you submerge yourself and wonder if you should come up for air. You haven’t told Gyomei about any of this.

Does being human have a meaning to me? Is there anyone left who can understand me now? I’ve made my choice and there’s no turning back, twisting all that I’ve known, let’s make something good come out of the bad. Will you find comfort at the edge of death? If you haven’t given up yet, we’ll find another way to the end. Loneliness no one can live with it for very long. Cause everyone will need someone, someway we can confide what’s in our hearts. Together we will always dance this waltz, now cross to the other side.

You don’t want to add to his stress. He works and has his own stuff to worry about, not to mention he has students to worry about. But you made a promise to him. You love him deeply and you could never forgive yourself if he blamed himself for your death. You know he would mourn you and the thought kills you. So when he came home that night, you asked if you could talk. Sensing the emotion in your voice, he agreed, worried for you. You brought him upstairs into the bedroom and sat down with him next to you. And you began to tell him everything about how you had been feeling. You told him about your thoughts of killing yourself and the thoughts that everything was too much.

We won’t ever know, when we must say our goodbyes. If they’re our last or if we’ll someday reunite. I’ll cherish what I have left, even through all the pain. Is this a first meeting that will change the rest of our lives. As I endure, the meaningless agony inside of my soul, I’ll send my cries into a world designed to damage the heart. If I can’t ever say the words that I’ve been holding back, then no one would ever step on forward. Zero to one.

As you bared your heart to him, tears swelled in his eyes as he began to cry at hearing your words. As you began to cry from the weight of everything, Gyomei wrapped his arms around you and pulled you into his lap. He buried his head between your neck and shoulder and softly began kissing you. He kissed you all over your neck and face. Giving you little butterfly kisses and nuzzling his forehead to yours. As he wiped your tears away he cradled your face and gave you a deep kiss. “My beloved, thank you so much for coming to me. I am so sorry that you have been feeling this way but I promise you that I am here for you. If you need anything please tell me, I love you so much and it breaks my heart to imagine a world without you.” He softly spoke as he cradled you in his arms.

Now with our own hands, we can make a future one with living. Even if life comes with its share of bad luck. We will go on til everything comes undone. Tell me that this is worth the fight. I will find the strength somewhere inside me. My only reason doesn’t need to make sense. Living for happiness til I meet the end.

As you snuggled into him and cried it out, he rocked you gently and supplied you with plenty of tissues. Once you had cried yourself out, he pulled you close and snuggled into you. “Perhaps you should take some time off, take some time for yourself” he suggested as he tried to help you. You pulled the covers up and snuggled under them when he got up to change his clothes. When he returned, he pulled the covers up and crawled underneath them before wrapping an arm around you and snuggling you to him. “Can we get a cat?” You asked. Gyomei thought about it and smiled. “It’s better and less expensive than a baby” you reasoned. “Were you thinking of having children?” He asked. “Maybe” you said. “Let’s start with a cat. Then we’ll go from there.” He smiled as he envisioned a small family with you, his beloved wife. You knew you had something worth living for, someone worth living for. Gyomei is your happiness, your reason to live.

#Youtube #gyomei x reader #gyomei himejima #kimetsu gyomei #kny gyomei #demon slayer gyomei

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zhuoyichenpretty · 3 months ago

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ep 24 commentary (brain fried edition)

my head is a little empty after ep 24 tbh!! brain is not braining after all the zyc hurt no comfort (-:

some scattered thoughts here and there, painstakingly corralled like cats out of my vacuous brain and into a list (spoilers):

ZYZ is really emo this episode poor dude like he is having a hard time keeping it together it seems. Every other word out of his mouth is depressing as shit, which is saying a lot considering how depressing he usually is already (': I kind of wanted this episode to pick his brain more, give him room to emote in the aftermath of all that. But it almost feels like the character refuses to be alone, like he might spiral if he has too much time to get in his own head. I'm still so curious to know, though, what he thinks about the state of their promise in light of how far ZYC went trying to save him. “He has us,” ZYZ said to WX. When the time comes, I wonder how he'll reconcile that with what he’s asked of ZYC.

PSJ and Ying Lei bonding! shenanigans! I did laugh thank you guys. Also, not that the team didn't operate separately before, but I really get a sense of how much ZYC held things together with how apparent his absence is. It's obvs heartwarming seeing how hard everyone is working to save him (PSJ especially for me bc I love their mutual tacit trust and respect and all the ways they're alike and different), but ultimately it's still so angsty (':

Kind of love the couple instances where ZYC has been referred to as fragile/weak/of delicate constitution (depending on how you wanna translate it) like that's a very interesting quality to assign to basically the tank of your team. Even if the comments are made facetiously, it just reminds me of how often we witness his mortality, and of course how everything about the styling, aesthetics, and content of the flashbacks to his childhood reinforce a characterization of vulnerability at the very heart of him. I saw someone mention how the Cloud Light Sword responded to ZYC's tears and to that vulnerability rather than brute strength, and I totally agree. I love how this "fragile" characterization plays into the whole fate weapon deal. ZYC's strength is (imo) unconventional, and it is his sensitivity, his compassion, and his deep capacity to feel that the sword acknowledges, resonates with, and empowers. Almost like it protects his tender heart rather than making it something he needs to overcome to get stronger.

One thing I will never get over is how incredibly they styled TJR as baby!Yichen, adult ZYC, and Bingyi. What do you mean this is all from one drama and not three separate productions. Insane. I'm out of my mind with how gorgeous every change in costuming is.

A tangential note is I've seen people mention (paraphrasing very much here) ZYZ's demon form being nicely subtle in its eerie inhumanity and tbh I have a similar feeling even just about human adult ZYC imo. Especially when his hair is down and he's got that thick eyeliner on and we get a close up of his contacts, if you told me from the start that he's half-demon half-human or something I'd believe it. Along the same vein, baby!Yichen reads completely human to me, and Bingyi of course completely demon. Something something the Cloud Light Sword bridges the gap something. This point is unintelligible and not narratively based but I had to make it because I've been thinking "wow ZYC elven" for days now.

Saw a tag about yuanyi getting us through some dark times but man they are PUTTING me through some dark times rn help?/

Been trying to put off talking about the baby Yichen scenes because wow I cried immediately. Well, no, I was like "yay! I love seeing baby Yichen!" and then they crushed me into demon dust lol. And then WX had to tell that absolutely precious story about when she got sick and ZYZ had to go like "actually ZYC was probably lonely as fuck" and yeah that's fine I didn't need my heart anyway.

Ending on this point so I can put a pretty screencap here: There is so much gravity to just the short scene of Bingyi removing his mask and dropping to his knees with that anguished and fatigued expression. TJR's acting is the gift that keeps on giving (me angst).

so sorry if anything here didn't make sense, i currently have the same thousand-mile-stare as Bingyi the more i think about how this all might end and how long I'm gonna have to wait to find out.

#fangs of fortune spoilers #fangs of fortune #sorry this is late!#i started writing this after i watched the ep this morning but then i spent the whole day showing my partner the first six eps #zhuo yichen #tian jiarui #episode commentary #meta

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crystalofmoon19 · 9 months ago

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Taking Advice - Erron Black x Female! Reader

Summary: You have really gone through a difficult time in your life, and having Erron as your drinking buddy you decide to ask him for advice on what you will do in your life.

Word Count: 1470

Warning: Reader has depression and anxiety, mention of alcoholic beverages, swear words, family problems, fluff/angst.

(Note: This is a writing to cope with my mental health problems.)

You took a deep breath before entering the Outworld bar, you didn't really like going to bars, but after what you've experienced recently you think that in a way you deserve it. So you walk into the bar, order your drink and sit at the back of the bar.

Although the bar didn't have many people that night, your mind was becoming chaotic and you kept overthinking things, maybe if you had done things differently none of this would be happening to you; at least that's what you thought.

When the bartender served you your drink, you paid for it and took the first drink, even though it tasted bitter, you really didn't care at this point and you continued drinking to try to drown your sorrows. Before you could take another drink, you noticed it being pushed aside by a gloved hand.

"Howdy, darlin’." .- The Outworld cowboy spoke, taking the drink from your hands, you could notice that he was smiling even under his mask.

You rolled your eyes, you didn't even want to fight over your drink anymore, you really weren't in the mood to, so you just watched as he sat down next to you.

“Erron, what are you doing here?”

“Oh? You don’t seem very happy to see me, doll.” .- He said as he took off his mask and gave you his flirtatious smile, that made you smile for a moment too.

“I mean, it's good to see you Erron, but what I asked was why you wanted to come here.”

Erron just laughed a little at you as he gave you a small tap on the head.

“Well, I already got rid of the guy Kotal wanted his head so badly, so I have the night free.”

Erron moved closer to you.

“But I didn't expect to run into you, little lady.”

Under any other circumstance, you would have blushed in your cheeks and gotten angry at Erron's flirting, but now you didn't have the energy to even argue with him; you just took a deep breath and looked at your hands.

"I see. It’s good to see you again, Erron.”

Erron noticed your change in attitude and stopped flirting with you for a moment to start observing you carefully. He saw the dark circles in your eyes and your sad look.

“Hey, why the long face?”

“Erron, please, just look at me.”

"I see you."

"I'm a mess." .- You said while pointing at yourself and bringing your hands to your face.

“And I like what I'm seeing.” .- He said, giggling while you just complained.

“Erron!”

"What? You told me to look and that's what I did.”

“Erron, be serious! I'm just an unemployed woman with no future who can't compare to her perfect sisters! .- You almost screamed, squeezing your bag tightly.

Erron just waited for you to finish releasing your anger, you took a deep breath to calm yourself and looked at your hands again, hunching your back.

“No matter what I do, I won't be good enough for my mother.” .- You shed a silent tear that you tried to cover with your hand, but Erron noticed anyway and came closer to you, he placed his hand on your shoulder.

“So you have problems with your ma’ and your sisters?”

You just nod your head in response.

“I've been through that, you can tell me what's going on and I'll listen to you, darlin’.”

“Would you really do it?”

“Sure, what's wrong with you, doll?”

You tried to say something, you really tried, but all you could do was start crying as you remembered everything that had happened in the last few months. The words didn't come out of your mouth when you started crying profusely. Erron saw this and patted you on the back. He also took a handkerchief out of his pocket and gave it to you to dry your tears.

You were silent, drying your tears with your handkerchief for the next few minutes.

“My apologies, Erron, I didn't mean to-”

“No, it's okay sugar, just take it out.” .- He interrupted you and ordered another drink for you and him.

“Just let me know when you're ready.”

For the next few minutes you dedicated yourself to crying uncontrollably, you did so until slowly your tears began to diminish, with this you dried your tears and prepared to tell Erron your problems.

“I really don't know where to start.”

“Start with whatever you feel most comfortable with, doll.”

“Well, I'll start by saying that I'm very envious of my sisters.”

"Oh yeah?"

“Yes, I have five sisters, I’m the youngest of all; my sisters have done important things, my older sister Amelia is already married, Felicia already has her little son, the twins Emily and Charlotte have their own stable jobs, while I... I'm still me." .- You looked sadly at your drink.

“I don't know, darlin’, getting married and having kids doesn't seem like a big deal to me. The work already depends on what your sisters do so I can have an opinion about it.”

“I know it's not a big deal, but my mother keeps pointing out all the good things my sisters have done, while the most relevant thing I've done was lose my job.” .- You lowered your head until it hit the counter.

“Wait, you got fired from your job?”

“Yes, I quit, I've been unemployed for six months.”

“I remember you telling me you hated your job.”

“I mean, yeah, I hated it, but it was the only thing that kept me stable. Now I'm looking for part-time jobs, I feel like a complete failure.”

"Hey, don't feel so bad about yourself, it's hard to get a job after leaving the one you were in." He said as he placed his hand on your shoulder to try to comfort you.

“Erron, please, I'm nothing but a mess. I’m nothing more than a fool with no future.”

Erron decided to remain silent for a moment while you began to shed tears on your face again, he continued patting your back.

“Hey, it's okay, doll. I don’t think you’re a disaster.”

"Do you really believe it?" .- You said leaning more towards Erron.

“Don't get me wrong, darlin’, you're really screwed. But hey, I've been where you are too, maybe with a few extra scratches; But I still understand what you are going through, if you want I can give you some advice.”

You moved closer to Erron which made him smile and you too.

“Please, Erron, it's what I need most right now.”

“Well, just like you there was a time when I felt lost, sometimes I still feel lost and with no direction to go. But something I have learned throughout the great time I have had in life is change.”

"Change?"

“If nothing stays the same, everything changes even if they are small changes, that also applies to bad things.”

"Do you really believe it?"

“Sugar, I've worked for countless people and seen times change over the last few centuries, I know what I'm talking about when it comes to change.”

“I guess you have a point.”

“I also had problems with ma’ just like yours, I really hated her, but that made me realize that the only opinion that mattered was my own; that way I could forge my own path and I think that can help you.”

“I think you're right about that.”

“And well, I don't know your sisters nor did I plan to, but what I advise you is that you no longer compare yourself with them and just try to do it with yourself. There is no other Erron Black but me and there is no other maiden like you, darlin’.”

“Erron, are you serious?” .- You blushed a little at his words.

“Doll, I could meet all your sisters and still choose you, because you are a wonderful woman.” .- This time he put his arm around you and caressed your shoulder and you just blushed.

“Aww, Erron, thank you very much.”

“And will you apply the advice I gave you, darlin’?”

“Yes, accept the changes and that even my situation can change, that I’m going to forge my own path without my mother telling me and to stop comparing myself with my sisters and only do it with myself.”

“You understood very well, doll.”

With that you ran your hand over your eyes one last time and gave Erron a smile, he smiled back.

“I see you're feeling better now, I'm glad to help-”

Before Erron could say another word, you gave him a big, warm hug, which took him by surprise but he soon reciprocated.

“Thank you so much, Erron, I really needed it.” .- You said, hugging him tighter and placing your head on his shoulder.

“Anytime, sugar, whenever you want.”

#erron black x reader #erron black #mortal kombat #mortal kombat x reader #mortal kombat 11 #one shot #drabble #mental health #x reader #angst #angst with a happy ending #fluff

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mama-qwerty · 5 months ago

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Okay. So.

The Sonic 3 trailer.

youtube

First of all, I watched this with my whole family, so didn't see it until about 2:30 this afternoon. My son is the one who got me into Sonic in the first place, so I thought it was only fair that I wait until he got home from school so we could watch it together.

We all absolutely loved it, and think it looks like a really fun ride.

I've rewatched it a few times, and a few things stood out to me.

The Race Scene

The little bit at the beginning when the three are having what looks like a race into the forest back home. Maybe they're actually racing or playing capture the flag or some other kind of game to give them some enrichment and exercise (so they don't cause shenanigans). Based on a few other quick shots, it looks like they're having fun.

Now, further into the trailer we see Knuckles kicking off Big Ben, and Sonic zipping up the side of a bridge, much like he did off the log back home during this game. I'm thinking we'll see a parallel of the game at some point, where they maybe need to work together, or just need that connection to home to really focus and get the job done. (I'm guessing they're going after whatever that ship is that's coming out of the water. Maybe. I dunno. The time of day looks right, though.)

Team Sonic Working With GUN

Walters isn't recruiting the boys out of just desperation. He wants to see them in action, wants to know what they're capable of. And he's only going to tell them what he wants them to know. They're not chomping at the bit to join the very organization that tried to capture them (Sonic and Tails) or likely hold them accountable for partnering with Robotnik the last time (Knuckles).

Sonic calls Shadow a "rogue alien", which would be odd if he knew Shadow's true origins. Walters likely told them Shadow appeared on earth 50 years ago and was subdued and put into status, but escaped and now is a danger to the planet. They likely don't even know he's a hedgehog. Which would explain Sonic's claim of not wanting to fight once they realize he's like them.

Which ends badly for all three.

My guess is that line about how "Shadow isn't too different from Sonic" is said later, once the family confronts Walters about who this other hedgehog really is. Walters has no choice but to fess up (to a point) and tell them what happened.

"What did you do?"

Sonic says this line with such a combination of anger and fear and pain that I can only guess that Shadow did something to Sonic's family. Likely Tom. This would cause Sonic to drop all pretense of jovial banter, and get really, really pissed.

I've seen theories that this maybe brings about Dark Sonic, which would be cool, but I have my doubts. But it will test Sonic's heart, calling back to the scene at the beginning that Tom said his heart never changed after everything. If Sonic thinks Shadow hurt (or killed) someone he loves, he would feel very conflicted in how he'd react to that.

Robotnik

Okay. So, he's back, no surprise there, and he's looking really unkempt. Depression does that to a person. I'm eager to see the back and forth that gets him to agree to work with the boys, and wouldn't put it past him to demand the Master Emerald as payment. To which Knuckles will of course refuse, which is why Sonic will give him one of his quills instead.

He likely has no idea about Shadow, as it seems as though Shadow escapes on his own. (Or does he? Could Robotnik have access to whatever containment system Shadow's been kept in, and releases him simply to cause mayhem?)

The group somehow end up at what used to be the ARK for some reason. I take it this is where Robotnik double crosses the boys (shocker!) and chains them up to let Shadow finish them off.

This is also where he meets his grandfather, Gerald. (He calls Gerald Pap Pap, which is a term some people use for their grandfathers, myself included.)

Now, here's where I have a few theories. It could really be Gerald, still alive and running on his anger after all these years. If he stayed at the ARK after the military overran it, that would be 50 some years of solitude, where he's dwelling on what happened, why it happened, and what could have been done to prevent it. He's become twisted and insane, seeing humanity as a plague and releasing Shadow to enact his revenge.

Or, based on how identical Ivo and Gerald look, it's possible 'Gerald' is actually Ivo himself. Maybe a subplot of this is the chaos emeralds, they need to find them so Sonic can be powerful enough to stop Shadow. But maybe they're like the Infinity Stones, and one has the power to manipulate time. Ivo gets hold of it, goes back in time, and proceeds to use the quill that Sonic gave him during their little agreement to work together to create Shadow.

Or the chaos emerald itself was used to create Shadow as well, and that's why he's got so much chaos energy in him that he can't control. He can't find that damn fourth chaos emerald, because he IS the fourth chaos emerald.

Or, Ivo is a clone that Gerald made of himself to continue his research. When the ARK was raided, all of Gerald's experiments were taken, including Gerald IV--that the government named Ivo before placing him into an orphanage.

I dunno. None of these are likely true. But they're fun to play with and think about.

Tails

Adorable as ever. I'm hoping we get some more engagement and action from him.

Knuckles

My boy. Needs an ice pack for that wrist. Just wanna scoop him up and care for him. I hope we see some good interactions between him and the rest of the family.

Shadow

He looks good. Like, really good. I'm not 100% sold on the voice acting, but we've only heard 2 lines from him, so I'm reserving judgment on that. The fight scenes look great, and he's a very formidable adversary for the boys. Unlike anything any of them have seen or fought before. Running on pure grief and anger, he's thrown into a world he doesn't understand, and doesn't care to because it stole his sister from him.

~~~

I found the trailer very fun, and am excited for the movie. And I'm happy to see some excitement for the SCU out there again.

#sonic 3 trailer #sonic 3 #sonic movie 3 #sonic the hedgehog movie #sonic cinematic universe #scu

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littlemisssquiggles · 8 days ago

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….Nahhhhhhhh…we gotta talk about today’s episode of Kamen Rider Gavv…

... Because shit DEFINITELY hit the fan with that cliffhanger of an ending from today’s episode.

With Big Sis Glotia opening her big mouth and outing Shouma not only in-front of Lakia Armaga (a.k.a Laag9 a.k.a Kamen Rider Vram) but ALSO Hanto who had the best timing in this entire show to show up at the exact moment the whole fight between Gavv and Vram vs Full Granute Glotia ended.

I mean, we all knew this day would eventually come and we all knew it was going to be a painful moment with as much delicacy as ripping off a bandage on a critically gaping flesh wound.

But DAMN, even though shit was going to be bad once Hanto discovererd the truth about Shouma, even then I was still hoping it would’ve been after a moment of Shouma spending more time with Vram Lakia so that he’d have another Granute ally or maybe after he’d at least told everything to Sachika so that would at least have her on his side.

But no, the worst possible outcome happened with Shouma being outed before he could explain anything to everyone. Now everything just looks bad.

But ironically enough, that’s not what I want to talk about. What I’m here to discuss is actually the teaser for the next episode!

The name of the episode is “An Excessively Bitter Gavv” debuting what looks to be Shouma’s anti form. An evil version of himself.

To me, Bitter Shouma looks and acts like a corrupted version of Shouma. No longer his kind, compassionate and sweet self, willing to do everything in his power to help others especially those who have been victims of his “family” and their malicious Dark Treats empire. From the trailer, Bitter Shouma looks … well bitter.

He appears to be resentful with not an ounce of the compassion he had when the season started.

And what’s worse is that in the trailer we’re shown a scene of Hanto showing Sachika a video of Bitter Shouma beating up an innocent civilian and Hanto telling Sachika that Bitter Gavv is the “real Shouma”.

I know I should expect Hanto to say that given how this episode ended. But here comes my questions. HOW did Shouma become BITTER Shouma?

Is there going to be like some kind of timeskip between today’s episode and the next one and during that time, Shouma has gone missing and when he finally resurfaces he’s just rocking this new angrier persona?

Are we dealing with a case where BITTER Shouma is the embodiment of his Granute personality that he’s kept suppressed for so long until the events of this episode, particular the part where Hanto punched him in the face and probably reawakened that side of Shouma?

The only thing that makes sense is … what if Shouma got so depressed as a result of everything that happened, losing all of his friends’ trust to the point that not even eating candy makes him happy anymore. He is no longer able to feel joy from eating human world food and enjoying sweets like his used to when he first came to the Human World. Thus, he is so desperate to feel some semblance of joy again that he even dares to try Dark Treats. Y’know the very thing that he’s been trying to stop the creation. The very thing his own mother warned him not to try.

And in trying Dark Treats, Shouma gets corrupted. Because that’s what Bitter Gavv looks like. An inverse Gavv with his titular red Gavv now being purple.

Is BITTER Shouma even our Shouma?

There is also the possibility of Bitter Gavv can be an evil clone of Sweet Shouma?

After all, why did the Sugar Doctor pilfer a sample of Shouma’s hair and was observing his DNA?

Create a human/Granute hybrid that is able to transform into a Kamen Rider using Gavv’s power due to Sugar’s experiments with Hanto.

And we’ve also seen Gavv’s ability to produce Gochizmo’s be artificially done to produce another rider in the form of Nylev’s experiments with Vram.

We know from their encounters that Nylev and the Sugar Doctor exchange their scientific findings. That’s how the Sugar Doctor was able to fit Hanto with a Granute gland which I’m sure he got from Nylev. Just as how Nylev was able to produce the Vram System and artificial Gochizmos from what he learnt from the Sugar Doctor’s experiments with Hanto. And as we saw from this episode and the last, the Sugar Doctor has a sample of Shouma’s hair. His very DNA. So who’s to say that Bitter Shouma isn’t going to be the culmination of all of these experiments - an exact replica of Sweet Shouma cloned in a lab with all of his known abilities but none of his compassion.

I wouldn’t put it past Nylev and the Sugar Doctor to create an exact replica of Shouma/Gavv only purely evil with zero compassion for others including humans and serving Stomach Inc. Or at least Nylev because we don’t know what his true intentions are.

I don’t want to believe that Bitter Shouma is Shouma. But at the same time, there is evidence that this could be the case too. We know from the show that Shouma possesses suppressed memories of a timeline where he did encounter Hanto’s mom.

We KNOW from the show that there was timeline BEFORE Shouma was surgically fitted with the red Gavv by his grand uncle.

It makes me wonder if there was a period, when Shouma was very very young growing up in the Granute World where he was oblivious to the truth about his family’s business empire. His mother clearly knew which was why she warned him from young never to try Dark Treats.

I feel like ultimately it would be revealed that Shouma has a connection to both Hanto AND Lakia.

There has to be a connection between all three of these characters and these events. A connection that can help clear Shouma’s name and help him make peace with everyone especially Hanto and Lakia.

But who knows. I guess the next episode will reveal everything.

Until then, this squiggle meister is curious to know what other Kamen Rider fans and Gavv enthusiasts think is the true identity behind Bitter Gavv?

Is he really the “real” Shouma now corrupted by grief and bitter emotions as a culmination of everything that’s happened to him up to this point in the plot?

Is he suppressed manifestation of Shouma’s Granute half, rotten, ruthless and lacking compassion that has now been reawakened as a result of current events? Or is he an evil clone of the real Shouma as a result of another one of Nylev and the Sugar Doctor’s experiments in the name of Granute/human science?

What do you guys think it could be?

~LMS (2025)

#squiggles talks: kamen rider gavv #kamen rider gavv #gavv spoilers #kamen rider vram #kamen rider valen #shouma stomach #karakida hanto #lakia amarga

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degenrcy · 1 year ago

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deeper than love (3) ao3 link <-

he can only be so successful, you know

kinda short, not a lot of action sorry !!

warnings: incest, noncon, yeah...

you were a brave freshman, taking on high school by yourself- shig graduated a few years back. he was... supposed to be in college by now, but that's okay. everyone goes at their own pace. it was your first day!

"c-come on, shig-nii, i'm gonna be late again!" you whined, holding desperately onto the edge of the bed. you threw your head back when your brother's dick slid inside you quite forcefully- ah when was it not?

"shut the fuck uuuup, dude." he slapped a hand over your mouth, slowly thrusting in and out. god he loved the feeling, nothing topped it. no other girl felt as good as you ever did. he can't believe he's been getting away with it for so long, all the credit has to go to your parents. they shelter you enough as is, they didn't want you to end up like your failure fuck-up older brother, so they force you to bedtime and the only place you can be by yourself is at school after your loving brother drops you off everyday.

the same loving, caring, amazing brother who has been training you to be his personal free-use toy for... hm, a long, long time. he cums in your mouth before school, calls it your energy boost. he convinced you breakfast wasn't that important- just like food in general. he wanted you small and frail forever. might as well engrain an eating disorder into you too while he was at it.

he slapped your cute little butt after he shoved you out his rank, dirty car. you watched him speed off, hearing the bass from his music trail off when he got to the end of the street. you sighed, limping up the steps to class.

"today my presentation is about sexual assault." your peer stood in front of the class nervously, what a mature topic!!

"sexual assault is non-consensual sexual acts..." cue giggling from your class and a shush from your teacher. "sexual assault is usually done by someone you know- a friend, a family member, or another adult you may know."

wow, what kind of friend or family member would do something against your will?

"the sibling incest rape rates in the country are as follows,"

you furrowed your eyebrows.

you raised your hand, perfectly clipped and manicured nails, because your brother wanted you cute and clean at all times, especially if your hand was gonna be around his dick a lot.

"y/n, question?" your teacher smiled. she was glad someone was being respectful.

"so, this is bad to you?" you quirked your head. the whole class fell silent. your teacher looked bewildered. "my brother rapes me all the time, he told me it's completely normal and good!"

your teacher scrambled to the phone, the whole class still quiet.

ever since that day, you've been stuck in therapy sessions three times a week and constantly monitored. shigaraki no longer lived with the family anymore. you had to move schools, no one could forget that day and cruel students liked to make sure no one else did.

"you could fuck y/n, she let her brother hit." boys would bet on it, others were disgusted at the thought.

"i feel bad, but how could you not know that it was wrong! i was there when she told the class- she was all like-" girls avoided you.

at this point, you were more depressed about all the bullying and assumptions than the trauma you actually endured. a few years went by- it was a lonely few years. your brother surely wasn't that bad the whole time, right?

you knocked at his door- you spent very little time finding where he lived. thank god they posted the addresses of registered sex offenders online. your parents were probably getting ready to tear apart the entire neighborhood looking for you, then kill themselves when they realized where you really were.

the door creaked open, revealing an arm, and shoulder, neck, half body- hair- face.

bags under his eyes, stubble, platinum blue dyed hair. the dark eyes, piercing through you.

"y/n?" his voice was so much deeper.

"hi, big brother."

you pushed open the door, pressing the taser mom bought you into his stomach. he fell over without a sound, spazzing a bit on the floor. you jabbed it in his side for good measure, watching his body writhe.

you got to work tying up his wrists behind his back. he was still super skinny, and his place was filthy. his computer was still on, the fans of the pc whirring loudly, blue illuminating the dark corner of his room, tempting you. as a kid, you always wanted to know what he was typing so furiously away at.

he groaned, looking up at you through his bangs. his eyes flicked to the computer, then back to you.

your mouth went dry, heart heavy. he was even more disgusting than you ever perceived. this was who he was? "you're sick, shigaraki."

you crouched down to his level, his eyes quickly darted between your legs, looking at your panties through your dark tights. you smacked him hard, making him gasp out.

"you really can't help yourself, huh?" you wanted to cry.

"you really shouldn't be here, y/n. go home. mom and dad'll kill you."

you frowned, standing up again. your fingers shook, delicate. you lifted your school skirt up by the hems, his lips quivering open and eyes trailing back down to your bottom half. you revealed yourself to him, like old times.

"do you really want me to leave so soon, shig-nii?"

#shigaraki tomura dark fic #shigaraki tomura/reader #shigaraki/reader #tw.abuse #shigaraki noncon

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murfpersonalblog · 8 months ago

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IWTV S2 Ep3 - Armand as Unreliable Narrator

I'm seeing a lot of posts defending AMC!Armand against fans thinking he's lying or untrustworthy or something. I've seen people point out valid things like AMC's deliberate twisting / reckless disregard of book canon; to bad takes stemming from shipping wars; to personal preferences & biases.

My reservations against AMC!Armand go all the way back to S1, when we saw those floating bookshelves and sliced pages in Claudia's diary. I've long since been of the suspicion that Armand's not necessarily forcing Louis against his will or anything THAT nefarious; but that he's definitely been taking advantage of Louis' need for someone to help stop him from going off the deep end--and more importantly, that he's been taking more than his fair share of autonomy over things Louis does/doesn't have access to--specifically: information/knowledge.

For me, GABRIELLE'S absence is the most telling red flag. Cuz the writers know good & well that they want S3/TVL; Rolin never shuts up about it. It's not that AMC isn't doing the books so we don't need to expect it to be 1:1--it's that THEY ARE doing the books! They're planting seeds through deliberate misdirection & omission.

Gab's arguably the most important/impactful person in Lestat's life b4 he meets Louis. She's Les' very first fledgling. She's there when Armand kidnaps Nicki; she's there when Alessandra explains the Devil's Road for the first time (a scene AMC was obvs inspired by with Daciana in 2x1); she's there when Les leaves the Theatre; she's everywhere.

And what's more:

Armand hates Gabrielle's GUTS.

Gabrielle's "useless" to Armand, but she was EVERYTHING to Les, and most of his emotional damage & abandonment issues come from her. Armand KNEW to weaponize Magnus' suicide & Gab's lackluster treatment of child!Les as the best way to seduce him!

Armand, like Claudia, is DESPERATE for someone to want & need him as their #1.

Louis is pretty good for this--if only he'd hurry up & get over Lestat (& Claudia) already.

In the book!IWTV/TVA, Armand dumped Louis when Lou gave up on being happy & got way too depressed for Armand to help him anymore. But Armand really wanted Lestat. Cuz Lestat is CLINGY--he doesn't pack & up leave (ie: give up) without a DARN good reason--and it's mighty sus that Armand didn't mention that Les & Gab left him to look for HIS MAKER, MARIUS, cuz Armand didn't know ISH, and doubted Marius was still alive--cuz if he was still alive, why had ARMAND been ABANDONED BY MARIUS for all those centuries, left for dead with the Children of Darkness/Satan? 👀💔

Lestat is a carbon copy of Marius, down to the blonde hair, blue eyes, and red velvet. Armand's Louis' rebound of Lestat, but Lestat's Armand's rebound of Marius.

Louis is not the only vampire who lives in a constant state of denial/delusion, running from his fears. They are both exact opposites of Lestat, who confronts his fears head-on.

I'm becoming increasingly convinced that if Lestat IS asleep in the penthouse, Louis doesn't know--or he doesn't have all the correct info. Cuz Armand's been isolating Louis this whole time in their weird cage/penthouse, with its jail bars and floating bookcases. He is ACTIVELY AGAINST this entire interview; and he encourages any & all contradictory talk of Lestat being "dead"--

--so it makes sense that he wouldn't want Louis to know anything about Gabrielle, as that would be someone who KNOWS Lestat, and would probably know where to find him (IF he's not comatose in the penthouse somewhere).

So for Armand to leave Gab out and make it seem like Mama's Boy Lestat was this cavalier playboy who cared about nothing & no one but himself (as per Louis' words to Daniel) just smacks of a highly slanted angle, that even LOUIS is ignorant of--I don't think AMC!Louis knows anything about Gabrielle's existence whatsoever. 👀 Yes, "Lestat never told me ish!;" but clearly ARMAND never told him the whole story, either. 😬🤫🤐

Then, there's Nickistat....

Plenty of interviews/reviewers already said Armand's petty, so I'm not surprised that the Nicki info doesn't add up. First off, it's a great way to garner sympathy from Louis, and create a connection, and act as an effective stimulus for Louis' own unpleasant experiences being cucked by Lestat. If Armand can convince Louis that Lestat did to Louis what Lestat did to Nicki, it just makes Lestat look worse; legitimizing why Loumand is oh-so-much-better; which they're actively tryna pitch to Daniel.

But it's a risky gamble though, cuz it also puts Armand in the same spot as Antoinette--and we see how that went. 😬💀🔥 Only this time it won't be Armand who ends up in flames, but Louis, if AMC pulls a Merrick.

It helps that "Lestat never told him ish," either, cuz Louis CLEARLY has no idea that Nicki died--AND HOW. Lestat admitted that he & Nicki "parted ways," but if that's all Louis knows, then ofc Armand can tack on that Nicki was abandoned & hung out to dry--that Lestat was giving Armand money through Roget, not NICKI; that the Theatre was Nicki's, NOT Armand's--and neatly omit everything about what really happened: that Nicki was mentally insane, thoroughly hated & resented Lestat by that point, and was eventually tortured & killed BY ARMAND and his coven when THEY couldn't handle him anymore--a la PAUL'S treatment by the DPDLs.

Armand NEEDS to come across as sympathetically as possible; otherwise he loses Louis AND Daniel to this interview--only this time he won't be the one sitting back letting it happen.

For me, Armand's unreliable not cuz cuz I hate him--on the contrary, I've said 1000 times that he's my fave character in TVC; and Assad's doing an excellent job with him so far. But I don't trust him cuz I KNOW HIM--the fandom calls him a GREMLIN for a reason. I know the stunts he pulled in TVL (telling Daniel the Children of Darkness/Satan killed themselves, when in the book Armand killed them all (except for Eleni, Felix, and like 2 others IDER--they're all Rhoshamandes' fledglings IIRC). He's reduced Nicki's role significantly; making him seem like some desperate twink, while not mentioning how Nicki was half mad before Armand chopped his hands off & forced him to kill himself when he couldn't play violin anymore.

Armand is a MENACE in the early books, and he was originally supposed to be a main TVC villain before Anne Rice realized how much she liked him in QotD and toned him TF down--same way she did with Lestat's transition from IWTV to TVL.

THAT'S why Armand is both lovable/likable and also SUS AF. At least for me. I can't speak for other fans, ofc, cuz I know some folks approach Armand from totally different angles.

#the vampire armand #interview with the vampire #the vampire chronicles #loumand #iwtv tvc metas #marius de romanus #iwtv season 2 spoilers

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six-eyed-samurai · 8 months ago

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SUMMARY: One day maybe they'd look up and see the musician who's been playing his guitar just for them instead of hopelessly chasing after a love that had long died out. A/N: Yes, it's based off That XX by G-Dragon. Apologies to all Bakugo fans out there for making him the villain... WARNINGS: Quirkless AU where Hitoshi is a street musician and reader has been with Bakugo since high school

I was walking down the street when I saw your man (Yeah, I saw him)

Everyone knew the dark blue-haired street musician who sat by the fountain every day and the person his eyes, outlined by black rings, would always be staring at while some song of longing and life strummed out from his guitar.

I saw that my predictions were right (I told you)

If someone were to ask why he fell in love head over hells for a complete stranger whom he knew nothing about, he’d answer in either two ways: an inability to do so or expound on a very detailed lecture on the fractured glimpses of you he’d caught over time.

Something about the way you clicked with the stray cats who rushed to your side, meowing for attention and you’d give it with no hesitation (would you play with his hair like that one day? he grew extremely flustered at the thought). A fellow cat lover, for one.

Something in that grin you’d send effortlessly to everyone and everything, in the worst of weather, at the most cranky of people, to those pretty flowers turning their head up to the sunshine like you. Everything made you so happy, it seemed. Hitoshi liked that, a stark contrast to his resentful, depressive personality.

Something along the line of how you made him feel seen. Most people just listened to him play and walk on, never bothering to show a little appreciation or acknowledgement, but you’d point him out to whoever you were with, beam at him and toss him some coins. You were the reason he got up some mornings to go there and play.

Or maybe it was simply because humans wanted what they could never have.

He took off the ring you gave him and linked his arm around someone

Hitoshi wondered if you knew him like the people who stopped by to hear him play and toss some spare change did - did you know he was even there, or was he just another struggling nameless talent to you? Did you know how he switches to those pining love songs he used to scoff at whenever he spotted you? Did you know how he's been infatuated with you since the day you threw him a smile and all the cash your wallet had, always trying to figure out a way to convey his need to get to know you through his music?

Did you know how much he wished and prayed and dreamt of being the one to be holding your hand, be able to dedicate his lyrics to you, hold you close next to him and giggle like little kids, flip coins into fountains for meaningless wishes, have you beam that brilliant grin at him like you do to the scowling blond that went almost everywhere with you?

I'll just leave it at that (I don't wanna hurt you)

Whether you knew or not, Hitoshi hadn't a clue, but everyone around him did. It was obvious from his starry eyed gaze boring into you like the celestial beings up in the sky weren’t the center of the universe but you. It was clear from the abrupt changes to the song genres whenever you would walk past his particular street. Hitoshi did a crap job at hiding how he’d glance at you (did you hear him? Were you impressed? Please, please, just stop trying to get his attention, he doesn’t treasure it like Hitoshi would) with adoration and a silent plead for approval, recognition, anything when he’d finish and passersby would clap and tip him.

The old lady sitting at the cafe opposite would quietly chuckle and recall the days of young love. The giggly gaggle of teenage girls would squeal and swoon, rooting for the both of you in the background. Even the parents of the park would smile knowingly seeing him. Between the two of you, there was a definitive, unspoken connection sparking.

But it wouldn’t work out. For as long as Bakugo Katsuki was there Shinsou Hitoshi stood no chance.

But you actually get mad at me (Why?)

He constantly puzzled over how you never noticed how Bakugo didn’t return your affections. How could not see the way his phone was more fascinating to him than you? Maybe you didn’t count the number of dates that got cancelled, but surely at some point it was too much to be considered acceptable? When would you stop interlocking your fingers with him and be sad when he didn’t even return the gesture?

What Hitoshi saw most, however, was how Bakugo would never look at you the way you looked at him. No, he only looked at you with indifference and coldness.

If you only just woke up from the daydream you were clinging onto so hard, you’d see Hitoshi’s eyes were the exact mirrors of yours: full of want and wish and just-

Why? Why not love somebody who’d love you right?

But he’d hurt you if he said anything, pointed out anything, when you oh so pathetically refused to see Bakugo how he saw you, so he said nothing.

Saying that there's no way he'd do that (Sure, you're right)

The first time he met you was about half a year ago - half a year of pining over you pining on someone who clearly didn’t love you as much as you did - when he was trying to tune his guitar and was getting annoyed with the loudmouth who was yelling too loudly into his phone for him to hear what he was doing. Frankly everyone was fed up with the shouter but for whatever reason no one told him to shut up.

Okay, Hitoshi was going to be the first.

He glanced up irritably and immediately spotted him, a spiky blond of average height and piercingly furious red eyes screeching into his phone with language vulgar and noisy enough to have every church in the world plot to wash his mouth out with lye soap. The way he was glaring at everyone as he hung up on the poor wretch gave Hitoshi a rather good idea as to why no one had told him to lower it down - not to mention the way his hand was gripping the phone so tightly.

But he digressed, focus wandering to the figure interlocking arms with the blond, embarrassedly urging him to not get so worked up in public. By the looks of it the both of you were a couple and Hitoshi vaguely felt a little sorry for you.

Especially when he heard how the blond simply brushed you off quite rudely, returning his attention to his phone with a shoulder jerk that shook off your hold.

I became aware of you being upset

So that was how he began to know you, at least at the start, as the submissive puppy of a beau that followed the man around (Bakugo Katsuki, he found out, later on when Hitoshi heard him bellowing it into the phone at some schmuck that had spelled his name wrong), always trying to enjoy the park like any other couple. Hitoshi never paid you much mind at first; to him you were just one of those delusional dream-chasers so high on their convictions of love they never noticed it was never really returned.

Then the day came when he finally watched Bakugo impatiently snap at your light question of whether you’d still be heading to that dinner place tonight. You retracted your hand slowly (he didn’t even notice, but if it was Hitoshi he’d promise to never let go of it) and hesitatingly told him you’d give him some space.

He didn’t expect you to sit by the fountain and absently, miserably play with the spray while glancing hopefully back at your lover, but when it was never returned you gave up. Hitoshi pretended not to notice, pulling at some strings to fill the awkward silence.

And I said I must have seen someone else

“Do you take requests?”

“…not really.” Hitoshi hadn’t expected you to speak either, so the words came out rather rushed and patronizing. He backtracked quickly. “I mean, not usually.”

You hummed in reply.

“But if you want I could.” Hitoshi cleared his throat and like usual his horrible, failing humor would pop up to “lighten” the situation. “Something depressing, I’m guessing?”

“Maybe? I dunno.” You tilt your head and side eye him slyly. “Don’t act dumb, I know you saw everything. You’re not exactly the sneakiest with your staring.”

Hitoshi’s ears turned a shade of red bright enough to rival his sneakers. “…sorry about that, but it’s kinda hard not to hear you guys with someone like him.”

“Katsuki’s always been like that,” you shrug listlessly.

“Why’d you stick around then?” nearly fell out of his mouth, but he swallowed it down. That was too rude, and he’d be lying if he said he’d never seen the affection in your touches and love in your eyes when you were around Bakugo. “So, what’s your request?”

You flashed that angelic, sweet smile at him and it was all over.

Yes, I'll lie for you (I'm sorry)

It started out as a small interest, a tiny crush, the mini blush forming on his cheeks when he’d see you wearing something especially good that day. He held himself back from openly expressing anything or further conversing with you though, not when you were taken and while it was obvious that Bakugo could care less about who you spoke to you yourself certainly wouldn’t look twice at any other man. Hitoshi respected the boundaries and never pushed.

Nothing stopped him from thinking about you 24/7, 365 though.

It really made him feel like a creep. He didn’t even know your name. Or your job. Or your hobbies. Or your interests. Or anything really. All he knew was gathered off staring and hoping you’d look his way (he celebrated internally whenever you did, but it was poorly disguised to other onlookers) every other day and that just intensified his belief he was being a stalker and that made him even more unlikeable. Even the sorry excuse of a boyfriend was the better choice here.

He knew what music you liked though, when you told him the tune you requested came from one of your favorite bands, when he’d observe you brighten when he played a specific genre, when you’d tip him a little extra with something in your eyes that said you were relating very hard to that depressive song of being left behind all too well.

Hitoshi wondered if you knew his too.

Oh, I hate you for not knowing me

Maybe the time when the crush really transformed into a full-blown desire happened about a few months back. He was strolling out of a nearby cafe, guitar strapped to his back and coffee in hand, bending down to pet the fluffy black kitten that had started following him around and of course his morning just had to be ruined when yours was.

You were seated by the window, picking at the cake in front of you while you anxiously glanced out and about, so obviously stood up in the way you were practically begging your phone for a notification (why did you chase after a man who would never appreciate you like Hitoshi?). He paused ins his tracks, wondering whether to go over, talk once more, provide comfort (for you he’d try, although his bedside manner was rather lacking), but just then the bell rang violently, harbinger to Bakugo.

I hate this waiting

Hitoshi turned away in disappointment, content to let you slip away once more until he heard the rushed apologies that didn’t sound as sincere as they should be, the broken, belated assurances of rescheduling your date to another time - for now he had somewhere to be and people to meet. He sees Bakugo leave and he decides, you know what? Fxxk it, it’s his turn.

You look up from wallowing in your misery to see a familiar hand slam down a coffee cup on your table. You look up, but whoever they were had already rushing out the door with an equally familiar guitar on their back. A soft laugh escaped you as you see the sticky note hastily stuck on the cup.

Smile, don’t want your face as bitter as the coffee.

Something long lost and forgotten stirs up in you, new butterflies hatching out of their cocoons and old ones waking from their long sleep as you turn the cup to see a name probably written by the barista during the order.

Shinsou. So that was his name.

Please let go of his hand now

Thinking that was that, Hitoshi let himself exhale and his wingman the cat purred, rubbing itself on his legs as if congratulating him for making a move. What was wrong with him, acting like some silly schoolboy mooning over a new student. He shook his head to clear his thoughts and walked off to his usual perch in the park.

Over the next week Hitoshi continued to see you at the park and the war raging in his head tearing at his heart went on: did you appreciate the drink? Did he accidentally order something you didn’t like? What if you didn’t like him doing this while with Bakugo?

Maybe he was wrong about the last one, for you had started to wave at him. He thought once again that was that, but once again you surprised him when you showed up one day and held out your hand and a breathless “For you”.

When you are sad, I feel like I could die, baby

He blinked and looked down. A guitar pick, blue and purple with a black cat and his name, Shinsou. “Um…what?”

“It’s for you. I mean, you don’t have to take it, I just wanted to thank you for the drink that day, and I noticed you’ve started to play with your fingers instead and that much be painful, so I had a friend who did this sort of customization! And your name was written on the cup, I promise I didn’t stalk it out or whatever, the cat was just because I noticed you petting the stray-”

He cut off your rambling with a brief, genuine smile of his own. “Thanks. I like it a lot.”

(Hitoshi would like anything that came from you, honestly.)

Not a friendship yet, but just a special kind of acquaintance. He’d take it. It was progress, at least.

What does that bastard have that I don't?

Hitoshi had no idea real progress would be coming so soon though.

He’d been trying out a new song that had been trending on social media lately and so far it was bringing him a little extra. The coffee shop had finally brought back his favorite drink and he had finally convinced his dad Aizawa to let him officially adopt the little black kitten, although he and Eri were still arguing over the name. All in all, it was a good day.

But as always if it was a bad day for you, it was a bad day for him.

He spotted you and Bakugo almost immediately as you two came to the park like he did every time, and while it wasn’t uncommon for Bakugo to be frowning it wasn’t normal for you to be. You looked awful, blinking back tears while Bakugo crushed your spirit bit by bit with his blunt words. Hitoshi didn’t mean to listen, he swears, but he couldn’t help it.

Why can't I have you, exactly?

“I just don’t get it, why? Did I do something wrong? I - I know I’m not the best, Katsuki, but if anything - I mean - we’ve been together for so long, why didn’t you say anything?”

“I did really love you at first, but I guess over the years I realized we’re not really suited for each other. You’ll find someone more suited for you and I’ll find someone better for me. This is goodbye.”

“…alright. I’m sorry - I’m sorry we didn’t work out.”

“Me too, but that’s just how things are.”

The song finished and Hitoshi had no heart to continue something anything cheerful anymore, not when Bakugo walked off and you plopped down on a nearby bench to bury your face behind your hands as your shoulders shook. Every part of him strained to go and reach out to you, go get angry at Bakugo for you, tell you everything he’s been wanting to say this past months.

That bastard doesn't love you

But how? What was he even supposed to say? Ask how could you have not seen this coming and saved yourself some heartbreak? Comfort and act sad for you when inside he was simmering with joy and delight that this was his chance, his one and only god damned chance?

Tell you with every day Bakugo fell out of love with you, he fell deeper?

Yet that would just hurt you to know that your pitiful devotion to Bakugo being never returned was apparent to everyone around you, so he said nothing.

…he didn't really have to say anything now, did he? There was another way.

Until when are you going to cry like a fool?

The sudden change of song and strumming startled you enough to look his way with wide eyes.

“Expensive cars, pretty clothes, classy restaurants, they suit you well; but that bastard next to you really isn't it. He smiles falsely next to you, he touches your cheeks and hair - but inside, he is definitely thinking of some other girl.” The words flew out easily, without him really thinking. Sure, it wasn’t the exact truth, but he knew this was the one opportunity he was going to get to tell you how he felt all this time watching Bakugo break you down bit by bit with his vanishing “love”. “How could he do that? It's like a sin. As much as you shed tears, I'll treat you better, baby. The pain you handle by yourself, will you share some with me, baby? Please look at me, why don't you know that your love is me? Why are you the only one who doesn't know?”

The worst thing a musician could hear is silence. Hitoshi stared at the ground, heart thundering away at the lack of response. Did you understand? Did you finally understand who really was the one to eternally be in love with you all this while? Did you know how he was so tired of seeing you being treated like that when he knew you deserved better?

“That's a sad song you're singing.”

Hitoshi nearly fainted right there - thank god he didn't fall into the fountain - as you suddenly appeared to sit down and scoot next to him to smile, slightly dimmed by watery eyes (he'd wipe them away, he'd never make you feel that way, if only you'd choose him). “Sad song for a sad someone from a sad boy.”

Something changed right there and he saw it in your eyes. You used to smile at him so brightly but that spark in your eyes were always directed at Bakugo - now they caught alight at him and he knew, he knew, he knew you finally knew too.

You reach over to rifle through the music sheets on his stand, smile a little more genuine this time. “Well…sad someone wants a happier song now and wants sad boy to duet together.”

Everyone knew the dark blue-haired street musician who sat by the fountain from that day on and the center of his affections his eyes, outlined by black rings, would always be staring at adoringly next to him while some song of a slow burn kind of love strummed out from his guitar.

#hitoshi shinsou x reader #shinsou x reader #hitoshi shinsou x y/n #shinsou x y/n #hitoshi shinsou x you #shinsou x you #mha x you #quirkless au #mha x reader au #mha x reader #mha x y/n #hitoshi shinsou #Sunny's Works

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she-karev · 3 months ago

Text

Breakdown (Andrew DeLuca x Alex Karev’s Sister PTSD Imagine)

Previous Chapter Here

Age Rating: 18+

Chapters: Two of Two

Fandom: Grey’s Anatomy

Ship: Andrew DeLuca x Amber Karev (Alex Karev’s Sister)

Canon Episode: Season 17 Episode 10

TRIGGER WARNING: Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Panic Attack, Flashback, Depression

Mental Health Resources: https://www.ptsd.va.gov/, https://adaa.org/understanding-anxiety/posttraumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd/resources, https://www.nami.org/, https://www.aacap.org/, https://www.dbsalliance.org/, https://afsp.org/

AN: I do NOT enjoy hurting my characters, let me make that clear and I certainly don’t enjoy hurting my head canon ships but I write not just for entertainment but to also send a message. Realistically someone with Amber’s traumatic childhood, relationship problems, and anxiety can crumble one day when it becomes too much to bear. I wanted to show that even the strongest person can ask for help when they feel it’s too much to overcome alone. Like and reblog below and let me know what you think.

Summary: Amber Karev reaches a breaking point and confides in Andrew her dark thoughts. When he fails to get her to seek help he encourages her to talk to someone about her problems. She confides in her friend Jackson Avery her struggles who helps her see that there is no shame in admitting you need help. That night she and Andrew have a heartbreaking goodbye when she leaves to stay at her brother, Alex’s, while she takes time off work to go to therapy.

Words: 5852

May 18th, 2020

Amber quickly walks inside the pit where she sees Paul Wilkins lying in bed sleeping. She sees him alone with no nurse or resident on sight and decides to see what’s going on. She keeps a respectable distance from the large man before speaking to him.

“Mr. Wilkins?” The man wakes up and sits up looking at the young resident, “Hi I don’t know if you remember me I-”

“Your one of my doctors ain’t you?” Paul asks causing Amber to nod.

“Yes I’m Dr. Karev. Did a nurse follow up with you? Was there a resident to tell you what your results showed what caused the pain?”

“Nope, I’ve been here by myself about half an hour, nobody told me anything.”

Amber nods apologetically, “I’m sorry about that our staff is scrambled all over trying to keep things steady but that is no excuse.”

“Nah it’s fine doc.” Paul dismisses nonchalantly, “It ain’t like you don’t got an excuse. And I’m just a youngish man who gets takeout deliveries cause there isn’t anything else to pass the time. Did you get my results back?”

“We did.” Amber goes over the labs on her tablet, “Your labs show that your anemic, that means your iron deficient and it’s what caused your nausea. The good news is that this is very treatable with oral iron supplements, the bad news is your gonna have to say goodbye to greasy takeout food and opt for a homemade salad instead.”

Paul chuckles, “My wife is gonna be happy to hear that. Her job is on pause, and she took up making a rooftop vegetable garden. Answer me this, have you ever tried radish from a dirty pot on a rooftop?”

Amber grins amused, “No I have not.”

“We’ll you can thank the lord for that blessing.” Amber chuckles before writing down on her tablet.

“So, the nausea is under control, and you should make a full recovery and be discharged soon. We’ll give you a rapid test and if your positive your gonna have to quarantine in a private room for the next two weeks and call us if your symptoms worsen. I’m gonna send your pharmacy a prescription for oral Phenergan for the nausea and oral iron supplements to get your iron levels under control. Is there anyone you can call to pick you up and drive you home?”

“Yeah, my wife she’s home with our girls but uh…” Amber raises an eyebrow at that pause, “I don’t know how to zoom her. My girls help me and I don’t know how.”

Amber grins at that before opening the facetime app on her tablet and handing it to Paul, “You just put down your wife’s number in and if she answers she should pop up.”

Paul does as told and waits while the tablet rings before his wife answers and her face pops up at the other end, “Hi baby.”

“Paul!” His wife exclaims worried, “Oh my god I was so worried about you, are you okay?”

“I’m fine I just need to eat less burgers that’s all. My doctor here can explain, say hi to doc.” Paul turns the tablet to face Amber who waves at his wife.

“Hi Mrs. Wilkins, I’m Dr. Karev, I’m your husbands’ doctor. So, your husband is anemic, that’s what caused the nausea and pain. Now this is very treatable with oral iron supplements and a more rigid diet moving forward, do you think you can help make sure he follows?”

“Oh, I will even if I have to shove lettuce down his throat.”

Paul chuckles, “Yep that’s Janice for you, never takes no for an answer.”

“Daddy!” Amber sees two little girls grabbing the phone and facing the resident who blanches at the sight of her patient’s kids. Kid’s that she almost left without a father if Jackson hadn’t corrected her error to the nurse.

Paul doesn’t notice her skin paling under her PPE and instead faces the tablet with renewed energy, “Hey babies! Don’t worry, daddy’s coming home soon thanks to this nice doctor lady. Say thank you to the doctor.”

Paul turns the tablet with Amber facing the two adorable little girls who smile widely at her making her heart sting, “Thank you doctor!”

Amber swallows the lump in her throat before smiling at the children behind her mask, “Your very welcome.” Paul turns the tablet to face him and Amber clears her throat before speking calmly, “Um I just sent your prescription in, it should be ready tonight. A nurse will discharge you, I have to be somewhere, if you have any questions have a nurse page me.”

Paul nods to Amber’s relief as she walks away from the pit. She doesn’t know where she is going but she can’t be in the pit face to face with a patient she almost harmed. The N95 mask she is wearing feels like a stove in her face, and she registers her breathing is becoming increasingly erratic.

Amber feels relief when she sees an empty family room that she quickly enters and shuts the door behind her. The comfortable couch and armchair are barely registered in her brain that feels like it’s spinning inside her skull. The panicking resident rips her face shield off her face along with her N95. But the air in her hot face is not enough for her to breathe in through her nose or her mouth that is hyperventilating. She leans forward against a wall, pressing her forehead against her clasping fists trying to control her breathing.

“Calm down, Karev, calm down.” Amber recites to herself but her voice does little to make herself relax. Her chest feels like it’s being squeezed inside and once again her feet feel like their planted on the ground.

The overlapping sounds from nurses and doctors outside the room are becoming muffled like they’re slowly moving a thousand miles away. Instead of the usual hospital chatter and equipment being moved all her hears is a ringing in her ear that she registers as her breathing gets shorter isn’t a ringing at all, it’s a flatline tone.

April 1st 2020

Amber looks down at her patient Ian Talbert who is lying in bed waiting for the release of death that comes to men his age who contract covid. The young resident has never felt so helpless, so insignificant, less like a doctor and more as a witness of death.

The 64-year-old actuary just offered the depressed resident a parting gift, his deceased daughters army dog tags. At first, she refused out of respect but reluctantly took them at Ian’s insistence that there was no one else to take them from him. Hearing Ian say there was nobody in his life to keep him company in his last moments makes the youngest Karev take action even if it kills her emotionally. She holds his hand with the dog tags and sits down in the chair next to him.

“I’m here. I am not going anywhere.” Amber promises holding his hand as he tears up from her kindness.

“I don’t blame you.” Ian states to a guilty Amber who closes her tearful eyes and looks down in shame, “I’m gonna see my daughter. Do you believe that?”

Amber sniffles and looks back up at her friend with tears in her eyes still holding his weakening hand.

“I didn’t give it much thought until this happened.” Amber admits, “But yeah, I want to believe there’s something good for you after all this pain. I really want to believe it.”

Ian’s breathing gets shallower, and he lays in bed looking up at the ceiling waiting for the release of death. Amber is still by his side holding his hand making sure he is not alone, it’s the only thing she can do at a time like this.

“Everything I have…is yours.” Ian proclaims.

A few moments pass before Ian stops breathing and lays still in bed with his eyes wide open. Amber looks and sees the monitors flatline without the sound. She looks back at Ian and let’s go of his limping hand to close his eyes. Her lip quivers as her eyes fill with tears before she sobs by the bed, saddened by what the world has come to and how many good people it’s lost in the process.

Present

“Amber!” The familiar sound of Andrew causes her to gasp and open her eyes. No longer is she leaning against her fists, instead she is sitting on the floor with her back against the wall. She registers that her knees are drawn up to her chest and her hair is stinging in pain.

Amber realizes she was pulling her own hair and possibly rocking back and forth like a child while lost in the flashback. She also looks at her boyfriend in front of her who looks frightened out of his mind no doubt she looked like she was losing it, and the thought fills her with shame.

Amber swallows the lump in her throat before asking, “What happened?”

“You went white, you were pulling your hair, and you were hyperventilating.” His voice is strained as if seeing her in that state broke his heart, “And when I touched you, you screamed.”

“I…what?” Amber feels her throat sore and realizes he is right as she speaks raspy, “Damn it…who heard?”

“It doesn’t matter.” Andrew dismisses needing to focus on the main issue, “Amber I have tried to be patient and back off like you wanted because every time I even ask you if you’re okay you lash out, but I can’t stand idly by not anymore. You need to see a therapist, right now as soon as possible.”

Amber shakes her head on autopilot, “No I’m f-

“You’re not fine.” Andrew insists sternly, “You had a full-on flashback, you weren’t here you were somewhere else, and I know it wasn’t the first time today. The nurses said they saw you stare off into space at the pit. That is not a symptom of a person who is fine you and I both know that.”

“Andrew, I don’t want to talk about this!” Amber exclaims in frustration before standing up and keeping a distance between them, “What part of that don’t you understand? I don’t want to talk, I don’t want to talk to some stranger about my fucked-up life, I don’t want to be another crazy person in my family like my mom!”

Andrew closes his eyes at that realizing this goes deeper than burnout as Amber keeps denying what is wrong, “I am trying to move on and rise on my own time in my own way. And yeah, maybe I missed some sleep, and my mind takes me to the worst moments of my life but guess what, not all of us can get stabbed and walk away five minutes later like nothing happened. We’re all not that lucky!”

Andrew widens his eyes at that low blow his girlfriend achieved. He would feel angry five months ago except back then he didn’t lash out at the woman he loves when he was having a mental breakdown. It was this moment he realized how hopeless Amber felt then and that knowledge makes his guilt grow even more and makes him more determined to persist like she did and help her like she tried to help him.

“…I’m not lucky Amber.” Andrew starts calmly, “A lucky person wouldn’t get stabbed, a lucky person wouldn’t drive the love of his life away, a lucky person wouldn't inherit his estranged father’s mental illness. I am far from the luckiest guy alive, and I was traumatized after what happened. I spent the first two weeks after my surgery waking up from nightmares and looked over my shoulder afraid someone was gonna come and finish the job. I was a freaking mess and the reason you don’t know this was because I didn’t want to burden you so soon after you miraculously decided to give us another chance.”

Amber stands there frozen with a remorseful face as Andrew continues with a strained voice, “I didn’t want to trigger you again and lose you again because I love you. And the reason I was so perfect in your book was because I had myself invested in my mental health by then. I take my meds; I go to therapy, and it helps me process what happened to me and move forward. I am trying to help you do the same because…because I can’t watch you ignore what is wrong like I did with my father I can’t. Just talk to me please. Just tell me what’s going on. I’m here for you okay? I want to help.”

Amber sniffles at this confession. A part of her wants to tell him…but a nagging feeling in her brain is reminding her of every fight they had when he was manic. It is playing the time he told her she would end up like her abusive father. It is playing the time he compared her to her neglectful mother. It played the weeks he ghosted her after his public breakdown. All of these horrible memories make her feel like she’s swimming in a blackhole before she coldly responds.

“You can’t help Andrew.” Amber replies numbly, “Nobody can help because you can’t fix me any better than when I tried to fix you. You hurt me and you lashed out at me and nothing I did got through to you so why do you think now would be any different?”

“Amber I’m trying to help.” Andrew pleads but it falls on deaf ears.

“You want to help me?” Andrew sees the hurt in her eyes as her voice is low and shaky, “Make the pandemic go away, make it so my mom actually got better when I needed her, make it so my brother didn’t inherit this illness. Make it so everyone I love in my life didn’t go crazy and hurt me in every way possible. Can you do that?!”

Andrew frowns at this inquiry that makes him silent with melancholy, “Yeah that’s what I thought. You can’t make this better because nothing ever gets better. Not the world, not the hospital, not our patients, not me. Everything is falling apart, and everyone is dying, and nobody knows how to fix it.”

Andrew stands there silent for a moment as he processes her depressing statement that is plaguing everyone. But he sees this isn’t just burnout or even depression, this is Amber falling apart after so many years of bottling up her pain. He knows he alone can’t help her…but he knows she needs someone to turn to even if it’s not him and wants to encourage her to do so.

He nods with a hard line on his face, “Your right I can’t fix the world and everything that is wrong with your life…but that doesn’t mean you have to let this helplessness and hopelessness take hold of you and never let go. I almost let it and if it wasn’t for Carina, Bailey and Webber I would be in the same place you are right now. Unwilling to help myself because the truth is too scary to face. I was lucky to have people that didn’t give up on me. And you have that too even if this thing your feeling can’t let you see it.”

Amber looks at Andrew with tear glistened eyes, “If you don’t want to talk to me that’s fine, I know after everything I put you through, I am the last person you feel safe to be vulnerable with. But please talk to someone else, someone you feel safe with, like Alex or Jackson who were there for you when I wasn’t. Talk to them before it eats you alive.”

Amber stands there for a moment looking broken beyond repair at this insistence. Even when she tries to push him away he is still trying to help her at her lowest. This gesture would melt her heart…except now her heart feels like it’s not working. It feels like everything inside of her is dying, it feels like all of the pain and misery has made her feel everything and nothing. Unable to bear him seeing this, Amber quickly leaves the room.

She walks toward the pit looking to work to escape this feeling, to escape all that is wrong. Except something stops her dead in her tracks just as she enters the mostly empty ER. Paul Wilkins is still in bed, except this time his wife is by his side. They are both talking and keeping their distance but the love between them is clear to the resident.

It’s clear to her that this scene in front of her wouldn’t be happening. It’s clear to her that Paul could be dead because his doctor prescribed him medication, she forgot he was allergic to because she was tired and stressed.

It’s clear that if her friend hadn’t been checking on her and correcting her little mistakes that almost culminated in a massive one, she would be fired or worse. It’s clear to her that Andrew was right about her needing to talk to someone before she lets this despair, she’s experiencing kill one of her patients. It’s clear she needs to talk to someone before it’s too late.

Later

Jackson looks out the window of the attendings lounge lost in thought as the pitter patter of rain falls from the dark sky. It seems like fitting weather for the day he’s had. First, he tried to talk to Amber about her obvious mental decline and then he had to work with a mother and daughter suffering from covid who both had to be put on a vent when ventilators were in shortage now.

Luckily his and Maggie’s quick thinking were able to convert one vent into a double tubing that can be used for both of them at the same time. It is a solution that can help trauma patients and covid patients use desperately needed vents without fear of a shortage.

However, his sorrow is still present as he has one problem remaining with his best friend who left to work despite what transpired with Paul Wilkins. It’s a problem that has him seriously contemplating on reporting her to Bailey and forcing her to get help or get fired. This decision is stalled by the door being burst open and slammed shut. Jackson turns to find Amber entering the room looking more disheveled than when she left him.

Amber is gripping the table chair by the top looking down at her feet with a struggle on her face that worries Jackson. It’s a look he’s never seen on her, it’s a look of distress that has never been shown in this confident and collected resident, until today. Jackson moves to face Amber across the table sitting down in the chair six feet away from her. He keeps a neutral face that he hopes allows her to feel safe enough to finally admit she needs help.

Amber sniffles and looks up to face Jackson with tear glistened eyes before speaking in a small voice, “Ask me again.”

Jackson furrows his eyebrows confused that Amber catches causing her to elaborate, “Ask me what I saw…when I was blacking out before I prescribed Mr. Wilkins the Zofran. Ask me what caused me to forget vital patient information.”

“…What did you see before you prescribed Mr. Wilkins the Zofran?”

Amber swallows and takes a moment before responding in a raspy voice, “A nurse was playing a song, Complicated by Avril Lavigne. It triggered me I think and my mind took me somewhere else, somewhere that felt like I was living a memory all over again. I was nine years old; I was listening to that song and then…and then my mom came bursting in off her meds again. She thought there was an intruder, and she was threatening to kill them. I instantly knew she was gonna attack me because it was just me there but the damn schizophrenia would make her see a monster instead of her own daughter. Her illness would kill me, and she wouldn’t even know it until after.”

Jackson looks at her in sympathy while she continues with tears streaming down her eyes sniffling, “I grabbed the phone and hid in the closet like Alex and Aaron told me to do when mom has an episode. I hid in the closet and called Aaron, he heard mom screaming so he said he would be there as fast as he could and to keep quiet and keep hiding so I did…I hid in that closet for half an hour, listening to my mom’s screams and rants that got worse when she started throwing stuff around. I didn’t move, I didn’t make a peep because I was afraid if I so much as breathed out loud Helen would know, and I would be at her mercy without my brothers there to protect me. So I stayed still, I stayed quiet and ever since that day when I hear that song…I am reminded of that awful moment in that closet. But today was the first time I ever had a flashback like that, and do you want to know what the worst part of it is?” Jackson shakes his head listening attentively as his friend shares her struggles with him, “These past few months I felt like that scared little girl in the closet again.”

Amber gasps a breath before grabbing a napkin from the kitchenette to wipe her eyes before explaining to Jackson facing the sink instead of him, “Growing up in that house, in my family…I felt helpless and weak. I put on this tough front like I can handle anything, but it was just that, a front. I didn’t want anyone to see that I was scared, scared of my mom and her crazy and then again with Aaron. You spend a part of your childhood in and out of foster care you learn to close off a part of yourself to survive. I have done that all of my life; I fought tooth and nail to survive…but I always felt like nothing I did mattered. And that feeling…it’s gotten worse since the day we learned we were in a pandemic.”

Jackson stands up with a solemn expression standing six feet next to Amber so she can know he’s still there. He always knew Amber was tough but seeing her breakdown and admit underneath it all is a scared girl has him feeling bad for her as she needed help for so long, but nobody has given it to her or even saw that she needed it.

Amber wipes her tears with the napkin, “Do you know why I became a doctor? I wanted to use the part of my brain that was healthy, the part of that was strong and decisive, the part that my mother’s illness wouldn’t touch. I wanted to feel like I was in control, like I mattered but now…” Amber shudders unable to finish.

Jackson can tell where she was going and finishes for her, “Now it feels like the career you choose to escape your hell from is just another one taking you back to your childhood.”

Amber whimpers as she nods confirming his theory causing her to blow her nose on the napkin before continuing, “I thought it was something I could get used to, something I could fight against until it ended. It’s why I’m working so hard till I’m bone tired, because it’s the only thing I know how to do in a crisis…but then I made a mistake that almost killed someone. I almost became the kind of doctor Andrew’s dad was the night he killed four patients…I almost became the kind of doctor that killed my father. The only difference is that unlike my father that man would have been missed by his family and I would have been the reason that wife lost her loving husband and why those kids lost their great dad. He could have died and not because of a virus I couldn’t control but because of something I could. He could have died because I was too weak to do the job I was entrusted with.”

“Amber look at me, look at me.” Amber sniffles and turns to face him and she grips the sink, “You are not weak, you are the least weak person I know. Mr. Wilkins could have died because of the Zofran you prescribed yes but he didn’t. He didn’t because you have people who could see you are understandably crumbling at all this death and illness surrounding us. And you realized your mistake, you remembered what the paramedics told you and you ran like hell to stop it. Shane Ross refused to sleep and talk to anyone about his problems. He didn’t help himself and it caused him to hallucinate and take your father in for a botched surgery that caused organ failure. Webber had to physically tell him what was happening right in front of him to get him to step down. He went down a rabbit hole and pushed everyone away and alienated anyone who tried to reach out. He refused to acknowledge what was wrong and stop himself from burning out and hurting patients in the process, that is the difference between the two of you. You stopped and you took a breath and came here to talk to someone who could help. I’ve learned from my nature walks that sometimes the best thing to do is to just stand still and let your feelings and your pain be known to you so you can know what is causing it to begin with.”

Amber presses her lips together as his words hit her and cause more tears to form in her eyes, “You stopped and stood still before you could go down the same path as Ross and Vincenzo DeLuca and have everything you worked hard to gain be taken away from you because you didn’t admit you weren’t okay. You did the hardest thing a person can do and that is not weakness. You are working in a hospital during a pandemic, and it can cause anyone to feel dejected and it’s especially hard for a person like you who knows the feeling of helplessness too well. What you are doing right now, admitting the problem in front of you after a lifetime of keeping your guard up, is not weakness, it is an act of incredible strength. And I don’t think I’ve ever been more proud of you than at this very moment.”

Amber shakes her head at that and replies numb, “I don’t feel strong.”

Jackson nods understanding that and decides to get to the next step Amber needs to take, “Don’t worry, you only have to be strong enough to do one more thing.”

Amber sniffles knowing the words that need to come out, it takes all her strength the muster the three words she has never said in her life, “…I need help.”

Amber exhales after saying these words feeling like a weight is being listed off her shoulders. She begins to sob at this admission of needing professional help knowing this will not be an easy journey but it’s one she must take in order to feel like her best self once again.

That Night

Andrew opens the door to his apartment feeling the need to shower and sleep as soon as he comes in. He exhales in exhaustion from work and his relationship. He hasn’t seen Amber since she walked out after refusing to talk to him. DeLuca doesn’t know where Amber is and hopes she took his advice and talked to someone about her struggles.

He enters the living room where he pauses at a shocking sight. He sees Amber sitting on the couch looking up at him sadly with two of her suitcases by her side packed. Andrew would normally think this is Amber leaving Andrew out of disdain for his insistence that she seek therapy. But seeing the sorrowful look on her face tells him a different story, it tells him this isn’t being done out of anger but out of seeking help for herself like he wanted.

Andrew moves to sit on the couch next to Amber and waits until she’s comfortable enough to speak to him, “…I’m not okay. I thought I was but I’m not okay. I know how to push through the pain and try to ignore it but…it’s too much death to ignore and it’s breaking me down. It feels like everything around me is just a constant reminder that I’m not good enough and I just feel helpless all over again. I felt helpless and weak growing up and I worked so hard to be strong and successful but now…now it’s like it was all for nothing, like I am nothing and it’s not going away.”

Andrew sighs at this holding her hand to let her know he is not going anywhere again, “It’s not going away and I…I know it’s gonna take a lot more than just surviving to get through it. I know I need to rest and actually face this thing and treat it like it’s a disease before I let it consume me. This thing…it’s been there since I was a kid and it’s gotten worse since March. It’s gotten worse to the point where I prescribed Zofran to a patient a paramedic told me he was allergic to. I almost let my trauma kill a man, if it wasn’t for Jackson, I would never forgive myself. And if it wasn’t for Jackson, I wouldn’t admit what you two saw before me. I need help. And that’s why I can’t stay here while I do. This apartment…it’s filled with horrible memories of one of the many times I felt like I was unworthy of love and felt like everyone I loved went crazy because I was in the same room as them.”

Amber sniffles and wipes a tear away causing Andrew anguish as he knows he caused her to feel that way along with her mom and brother. It causes him to have tears glisten in his eyes feeling responsible for hurting the woman he loves.

Amber faces him with a red rimmed eyes, “I know you didn’t mean it, I know it was the illness that caused you to act like that. All of this isn’t your fault, you were just a very tiny part of my long torturous life that piled on my psyche until this point.”

“But I was still a part of it.” Andrew says out of shame and regret, “I’m sorry, I wish I was a person to mend your pain instead of causing it. I want to be that person.”

“You were.” Amber admits truthfully, “You still are I just…I love you so much and right now I need some space for a little bit to figure out how to fix myself by myself. I need to do that otherwise I’m gonna rely on you or my family or my friends to feel better and that can’t be an option for me right now with everything going on. I need to figure out how to not feel like I’m dying inside.”

Andrew nods understanding this more than anyone as he has been there before and hopes Amber can heal like he’s trying to, “I’m gonna go to my brothers for a few weeks. It’s a safe place I think will be perfect for me while I take time off to sort myself out”

Andrew nods holding her hand tighter, “I know how hard this is, believe me and I wish I could say it’s gonna be easy but it’s not. It’s gonna be hard in the beginning but eventually you’re gonna finally move past your reluctance and whatever it is that’s making you feel like you are less important than you actually are. Trust me when I say, it’s gonna get better and I’ll be right here to help and right here when you get back. I promise, I’m not gonna stop loving you when you get help. I promise you I am not leaving this time, I’m here for good, I swear.”

Amber feels slightly better at that story looking at Andrew with love, “I know that. I love you too I just…I need space from you and everything else so I can focus on myself and get better. I need to stop fighting and just stand still. I need to do that for myself, I need to help myself.”

Andrew nods understanding her need to get her priorities straight like he did. He sees a little of the smart, strong and resilient woman he fell in love with right now even if she doesn’t. He leans forward and kisses her gently.

She reciprocates this kiss with a tear down her cheek as their lips touch. Amber touches the back of his neck bringing him closer as they stop kissing and instead lean against each other’s foreheads closing their eyes as they take in this last moment between them before Amber goes.

Andrew doesn’t feel sad but rather relief that the woman he loves is taking the time to heal and hopefully come back to him better like he did when his friends and family made him see that it was okay to admit your not okay.

He makes this known to Amber caressing her cheek and looking into her tearful eyes, “Your gonna be okay, I know it. I love you so much.”

“I love you.” Amber whispers back giving him another tender kiss before standing up and grabbing her suitcase with Andrew carrying the other. They walk out of the apartment to Amber’s car where they load the bags into the trunk before getting inside.

Amber is in the passenger seat with Andrew behind the wheel. Before he starts the engine, he looks over to find Amber looking down at her hands twiddling with her fingers. Andrew can tell she is scared to start this chapter just like he was when his sister drove him to the treatment center.

He looks at his girlfriend in sympathy and holds her shaking hands as a gesture of comfort. She appreciates this as she holds his hand with both of hers that shake less. Amber takes a moment to close her eyes and concentrate on her breathing.

She inhales and exhales slowly a few times before opening her eyes and looking at Andrew still holding his hand. Amber sniffles before nodding to let him know she’s okay. He nods back, giving her hands one good squeeze before letting go to start the car. Andrew begins to drive down the road with Amber looking out the window watching the landscape pass as she lets her breath out and closes her eyes to rest before she reaches her destination.

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