#just needed to cry. i NEED to cry. this is a massive thing for me and i just can't forgive her for this.

[genderqueerdykes]

holy shit wait…your 32???

I…im gonna cry

I didn’t know we can live this long…

not just trans mass but…

alterhuman…and plurals..and…

I can’t…

so happy

gonna cry……..

yes i am! i was born in 1992 :)

that's exactly why i have my age in my bio- i've wanted to show people that you don't "outgrow" fundamental parts of your identity. it's natural to adopt and shed identities as we age, but i've been out as genderqueer since 19! nothing has changed, i'm still the same genderqueer person i was all those years ago!

and if anything- life has gotten better in my 30s. as a word of advice to most people out there: your teen years and your twenties FUCKING SUCK!!!!!!!! they tell you those are the "best years of your life" but they're NOT- you're growing into a world that is terrifying and doesn't understand you. you're scared. your brain and body are still developing and you're constantly facing new challenges. those are honestly i think the HARDEST years of your life, hands down

when i was a teenager, i would think to myself "phht there's literally no way i'm making it past 25 lmao" and figure that life ends after 25. well, that day came where i turned 25... and nothing changed.

and then i turned 30. still, nothing changed

now i'm 32 and... nothing has changed. maturation happens with age, yes, but it doesn't mean that you're suddenly a completely different person. people have such a shitty view on 30 year olds, like it's somehow "embarrassing" to be above the age of 25 years old. people in their 30s are constantly picked on, we're constantly told to "act our age" when... we are. i'm happier than ever realizing that I made it to my 30s, still trans, still nonhuman, still plural

i've been in treatment for DID since 2017, and while i've healed a lot, i have not integrated with my alters, and i never will. i don't want to. this is how my brain functions. the dissociation can be a nightmare for me, but my brain needs different people inside of it in order to be able to function properly. we tried to force ourselves to live as a singlet for 3 years and what ended up happening was that host at that time cracked from being under the constant pressure and still has never returned. the amount of stress it placed on us to try to live as a singlet was not worth it. at all

there hasn't been a singular moment in my adult life where i stopped being nonhuman, either. that was something that i never even tried to force myself out of. i never viewed it as weird or something that i should "outgrow"- i told my own mother that i did not identify as human as a child and that never left me. even now, i still wear dog collars, ears, tails, and take nature walks and do things to make myself feel more like my nonhuman selves. i'm still a furry, too!

i might not be a queer "elder" yet, but i'm happy as can be to be able to be an older queer person who can use their experience to help younger folks. thanks for sending this message! trust me, there really is a life after your 20s. your teens and 20s suck massively. but after i passed 30 i became more down to earth about my age. it's not a bad thing to live past 20- in fact, it's a badge of honor. i made it. i'm still breathing, i'm still here, still queer, despite all attempts to prevent me from still being here.

i'm going to continue be here for a long, long time, and you can be here with me, too.

take care of yourself! thanks for stopping by!

[pinkgic]

ex-boyfriend fratboy!rafe. god help me!

cw. smut (mdni), fem!reader, toxic relationship, alcohol and drug use, mirror sex, degradation kink.

the music sounds distant, muffled by the white-tiled walls that appeared a light, smudged gray thanks to the alcohol fogging your brain—and the way his pelvis kissed your ass with each plap-plap-plap, echoing in the bathroom of a party you weren’t even supposed to be at. for this exact reason. you knew how it would end. with your lame coked-up excuse of an ex inside you.

and still, you couldn't even answer the big, ugly question sitting in your gut: why the fuck do i keep letting him do this? your body had betrayed you again, thighs spread wide and shaking as his cock hit that spot that made your toes curl against the cold tile. and, of course, your eyes met his in the large, square mirror above the sink. a voyeuristic form of self-loathing. as if you needed to confirm, once again, how the promises of, “no, i’m not gonna talk to him, not even look at him, i promise!” made to your friends, were entirely baseless.

perhaps even they had already accepted it—

“fuck,” he groaned, and a grin stretched across his stupidly handsome face as you let out another loud moan when his fat tip grazes your g-spot, bingo. thankfully, for the sake of your peace of mind (because he, more than once, hadn’t cared if the entire party heard how good his cock made you feel), the host’s house was massive. you’d ended up here with him because all the other bathrooms were occupied when the drinks you’d downed earlier hit, and that’s how you found yourself in the second-floor bathroom at the end of the hall. that's how “pee-and-leave” turned into this.

his right hand—the one not gripping your shoulder with his beefy arm wrapped tightly around your trembling torso—moved up, cupping your jaw and forcing you to look into the mirror at the two of you: sweaty, panting bodies. 

“fuckin’ look at that,” he panted, gaze flicking down. “hah, shit, look how those two bounce,” he slapped the side of your breast, leaving a hot, stinging mark. he was so mean.

and you hated yourself for clenching around him because of it.

his laugh was this low, mean sound, vibrating against your back as he leaned forward, his chest slick with sweat pressing into you like he needed to get as deep as possible. fucking gross. the thought was interrupted by the hot breath skating over the shell of your ear. “see that face you’re making?” he murmured. “‘s my favorite one. you look so—fuckin’—wrecked.”

and god, if he wasn’t right. your eyeliner had betrayed you hours ago, smeared into shadows that made your eyes look too big, too wide, like a haunted doll. your lips were red and swollen, half from the sloppy kiss that started this whole thing and half from biting down so hard to keep yourself quiet. the woman staring back at you was enjoying it, there was no way to deny that.

“shut up,” you hissed, you just wanted to look away. but his fingers curled tighter around your jaw, already marking his digits there.

“you don’t want me to shut up,” he taunted, his hips rolling deeper, lazier. like he had all the time in the world to ruin you. “you love it when i talk, when i tell you how fuckin’ good you’re taking it, like the slut you are.”

you hated him. you hated him so much you could cry—you were going to cry, but for different reasons. you hated the way he always knew exactly what to say, to keep you squeezing him between your slick walls, and getting you addicted every day a little bit more, increasing the dose.

but the worst part—the part that made your chest twist like a wet towel, wringing out something raw and acidic—was how he was right. he always was. every damn time. you hated how he’d figured you out. he was your ex, goddamn it!

because yeah, you did love it. loved the sound of his low voice dragging over your nerves like a matchstick ready to explode a bomb. loved the way his cock stretched you open until it felt like your brain short-circuited, leaving nothing but static between your ears. loved that stupid smirk, too. it wasn’t fair. he wasn’t fair. 

you tried to focus on anything else—the way the faucet dripped, the faint bassline pulsing through the floor beneath you, keeping your eyes open. “rafe,” you whispered in a treacherous moan.

his hand slid down your belly, splayed wide like he was claiming you, branding you his. “tell me,” his voice was almost tender now, mockery softened by the way he groaned as you clenched around him. “tell me how much you hate me while you’re drippin’ all over my cock.” 

you didn’t say anything. couldn’t. your throat tightened as your hips jerked back to meet his thrusts, sharp and desperate, chasing something you’d regret in the morning along with the hangover. or maybe right after you came. but right now, you needed it like you needed air. 

his laughter curled around you, mean and knowing, as his hand slid up your belly, splayed possessively just under your ribs. like he owned you. like he always had, no matter how many times you’d tried to scrape him out of your system. “that’s what I thought,” he muttered, his lips brushing your temple like a kiss. like he thought he was being romantic, like he thought this was some kind of fucked-up love story. “hate me all you want, baby. but this?” his hand slid lower, between your legs, pinching your sensitive clit, making you bite your lip hard enough to taste blood as your legs buckled. “this don’t lie.”

[crimson-and-clover-1717]

The Erasing of Ed’s Personhood (again).

Some interpretations of Stede and Izzy during the Rhys and Con Q&A at SFROP didn’t sit well with me.

There’s sexual frisson between Stede and Izzy in the candle scene

What canon shows: That Stede flatters Izzy into mentoring him in a similar way Ed uses flattery in 104 when telling Izzy he could be the Captain of the Revenge. It’s knowing your audience and what motivates them. But this isn’t flirting on Stede’s part. It’s emotionally intelligent leadership.

This alleged sexual frisson takes place immediately after Stede has found Ed, the love of his life, whom he has been desperately trying to find for months. For whom he has willingly given everything up. Stede cannot see another man for Ed. Stede’s whole love and sexual awakening is built around Ed. He’s Ed-emotional, Ed-sexual.

And we’re meant to believe the moment Stede is out of Ed’s presence - Ed, who has massive trust issues - that there’s a mutual homoerotic moment between Stede and Izzy, because Izzy has his shirt off and Stede says some dubiously flattering things? It’s reductive towards Ed and mocking of his character. It’s actually an incredibly cruel interpretation. It isn’t the show. It. just. isn’t. the. show.

Izzy is a good mentor to Stede

What canon shows: Stede ‘being the captain’ by asking Izzy to mentor him. Stede is putting into practice ‘keep your friends close and enemies closer’ by trying to give Izzy a role. The devil makes work for idle Izzy Hands, so keep him busy. But punching someone in the stomach, yelling at them, and telling them they have such a total lack of skills you don’t know how they’re still alive… when they rescued your sorry ass two nights previous!…does not a mentor make. And Stede doesn’t learn anything useful really. I mean at least he learned something that saved his life with Ed even if it was through flirting. The fact Stede also seems to enjoy some of Izzy’s approval doesn’t make Izzy a good mentor either. It makes Stede someone who is still wrestling with his identity, and reconciling differing aspects of his masculinity. Stede’s parental trauma causes him to attach too much significance to it.

That Stede and Izzy caused Ed’s decline and have equal responsibility for fixing the man they both love (this one boiled my piss).

What canon shows: Ed is devastated by Stede not turning up at the dock. Ed then processes some of this in a reasonably healthy way — curling up under blankets, eating marmalade, writing doggerel, talking to a friend, crying, showing pain publicly, exploring shared feelings, making a plan to feel better through art (singing), and tidying up his room. Ed is attempting to put into practice Stede’s philosophy: beauty, aestheticism, art as therapy, open emotions, talking it through.

We can’t know what would’ve happened next because the narrative doesn’t bend that way, but without Izzy’s intervention, what Ed doesn’t do is fall into the Kraken spiral. Ed is pretty much forced to a shuddering emotional halt, mid-catharsis - that in itself causes further trauma. Many therapists will tell you that stopping emotional work suddenly can be worse than never beginning at all. On top of that suppression, Ed now fears harm might be done to him should he appear weak. To say Stede and Izzy are equally responsible for Ed’s Kraken spiral is just not true.

Second, Ed isn’t an object to be fixed. Ed isn’t something to be moulded or unfolded. Ed isn’t the exotic plaything of two white men. Ed isn’t a toy or cipher or prize to be won between a bourgeois hero and some proletariat antagonist. Ed really just needs to be left the fuck alone so he can develop some self-actualisation. Let him try his innkeeper dream and fail. Let him see the world doesn’t end when he does. I truly believe Stede is the only individual who can give Ed the room and psychological safety to explore a range of human emotion and identities, as well as providing that soft place to fall when Ed inevitably needs it. And it isn’t even that Ed needs to fix himself. He just needs to be allowed to breathe and be and exist in all his human messiness, judgment-free, fear-free.

That Stede’s crying as Izzy dies shows how much he has grown to care about Izzy, that there is mutual respect, and Stede is left devastated.

What canon shows: That Stede CRIES! He cries all of the time. And I have championed this over and over. He cries in 13/18 episodes. He makes it safe for others to cry. Crying is Stede’s superpower. It helps him process emotions healthily. Stede, I believe, is crying when Izzy dies for the following reasons:

Because he’s Stede

Because he’s the Captain and he didn’t get everyone out alive (doesn’t matter the great Israel Hands can’t check a pocket for weapons).

Because Ed is devastated, and Stede loves Ed

Because Stede isn’t a colossal prick. He says ‘poor bugger’ towards Chauncey moments after escaping execution. Stede’s an empath. Stede understands the pity of it all. Stede can see the intrinsic value in most people, even Izzy. That doesn’t tell me anything about Izzy, but everything about Stede. And it doesn’t make Izzy special to Stede. It makes humans special to Stede.

Why these misinterpretations upset me so much is what it does to the validity of Ed’s characterisation. The idea there’s a sexual ‘knowing’ behind Ed’s back between the two white guys which they choose not to act upon because they decide to work together to objectify and ‘fix Ed’ instead. The idea that Izzy is a better mentor and influence than Ed. The objectification of Ed as a thing to be fixed then won. The appropriation of Ed’s emotional confusion over Izzy’s death being overlaid onto Stede also. Because Ed can’t have his own unique character arc in anything it seems. I just want Ed’s characterisation and personhood to stop being erased.

I’m still sleep-deprived so I hope this makes sense. It’s taken me a while to process.

[autisticshadowthehedgehog]

im gonna preface this with i KNOW that it’s stupid. i KNOW that it’s dumb and pointless and ultimately in the grand scheme of the world it’s not gonna amount to anything. i know in ten years- hell, probably ten weeks- i’m gonna look back on this and cringe at how much i cared about something so insignificant and silly. that doesn’t mean that NOW i don’t feel like shit. cause right now it feels like the end of the world and no amount of logic and reason is going to change how i feel. KNOWING that this is due to autism, clinical anxiety, and my period being set to start soon doesn’t make my brain calm down. it just makes me mad at myself for wanting to cry over something stupid. all that to say. i’m so, so scared that the third sonic movie is going to be bad. i feel like i’ve been the positive person about it for MONTHS, maybe years at this point, and i feel like i’m hyping myself up as well as everyone else. so it makes me feel like it’ll be my fault if people don’t like the movie. i KNOW that i had no part in making it and putting so many of my emotions on a fucking kids’ movie is ridiculous when there are, not to be cliche, SO many more important things to worry about on this planet. maybe it’s because i had a breakdown on election day and so now i’m doom-spiraling. but like. i guess my fuckign hyperfixation on comfort media is the only thing keeping me afloat until i can get out of this shithole, IF i even can. which i know is stupid and bad but it doesn’t stop me from wanting to sob at work. and i know that it doesn’t matter so don’t fucking tell me that. i get it. i’ll probably delete this post in an hour and pretend it didnt happen because it’s embarrassing and childish but i just need to get my feelings out before i explode on someone.

my fuckign happiness shouldnt be riding on a kids’ movie that we all KNOW is gonna make massive changes from the source material. it really shouldn’t. and i’ll have something else to care about in a week. but god.

im about to have a mental breakdown

[jrueships]

WHOEVER THE FUCK IS RECOMMENDING MED PPL TO GO INTO RADIOLOGY JUST CUS IF THE MONEY, IM GONNA FUCKING gET YOU

[shikai-the-storyteller]

I like to imagine that, after Pepito goes to sleep, Tilin's spirit visits him in his dreams. She kisses him on the forehead and tells him happy birthday and reassures him that his parents love him, and when he asks how she could know that, Tilin just says: "Because we share a dad, and I know he loves me too."

[transxfiles]

Y'ALL WHAT THE FUCK.

MY ROOMMATE HAD SOMEONE OVER FOR THE NIGHT AND SHE LET THEM SLEEP IN MY BED WITHOUT ASKING ME FIRST??? EVEN THOUGH WE EXPLICITLY AGREED THAT WE WOULD ASK EACH OTHER FIRST BEFORE EVER HAVING SOMEONE OVER??? AND IN MY BED???? HELLO?????

this is such a massive boundary for me and i'm so upset. she knew i was gone this weekend because i have to work (when i work i'm out in the city so i just stay there for the night instead of dealing with the commute to/from college) or else i can't afford to yknow exist as a human being under capitalism but like. that's so fucked. she literally knew that i wouldn't be able to do ANYTHING about it bc i'm out of town for the weekend and she took advantage of that.

and she pretended that we never discussed having someone over she tried to play the "oh i'm sorry we just never talked about it before" card and i'm like. we literally DID talk about it. it was in the roommate contract that the college MADE US FILL OUT TOGETHER and we both agreed we would have to ASK each other and COMMUNICATE before anything like that happened.

the thing is i'm just a very personal type of person and this is a massive boundary she just crossed for me. and she was already really upsetting me bc she's been belittling me all the time and she's not respectful of my work and i woke up a couple times to her watching me sleep and she's been staring at me while i change and she doesn't listen when i tell her no, ever, and i'm very, very upset about this all. this is the last straw.

[babygirlwolverine]

me agreeing to go into work on my day off to assist with a spay: what a great learning experience and an opportunity to show my boss im willing to put in the extra effort because I love surgery

me right now at midnight knowing I have to get up in 6 hours on my day off: why did I sign myself up for this when I could’ve been sleeping in and enjoying my day off after an intense week so far????

[bokuwadekinaiko]

(advice appreciated + long ass tags)

this sucks this sucks this SUCKS FUCK. ive been hokeschooled / "unschooled" for the entirety of my 8th grade and school is starting again in 2 weeks and i really want and really need to be back in school but idk if im mentally at all ready. opening day would be best to go back obviously but i didn't spend anytime during summer preparing for the routine / fixing my damn sleep schedule but i really need this .

i also know its gonna SUCK because i have severe sensory processing issues (tldr my brain Cannot filter out uncomfortable noises / textures / etc andi go Fucking ballistic and melt/shutdown) and even at home im having multiple daily meltdowns / panic attacks from just the everyday noises / sensations so god forbid what it will be like around 300 teenagers who don't know personal space exists.. i also have a severe anxiety disorder / autism so itll be even MORE fun :-) yaAy (thats not factoring in PDA disorder which is made my dad drop me out anyways because its Fucking Hell trying to go to school with that)

but i want this. i need this . iwant to get an education. i wanr to be around kids my age instead of being forced to be inside all day. i want to have routine and make friends and feel normal. im just scared that because of circumstances out of my control ill never get that

[reflectionsofgalaxies]

i have thought of 1 (one) pro to this whole housing situation and i’m clinging onto it for dear life

[arcadianico]

i just finished q’s vod from yesterday and honestly? i feel vindicated in my belief that q’s attraction to wilbur is based more around his romanticisation of relationships (and his grief for tilín, silent but ever present) than love

[louismygf]

girls when they just finished watching aotv

[dragons-and-yellow-roses]

Just found out my two siblings are in my mom's will, but not me. Also my grandpa has told the entire family about his engagement. Except for me. Also my dad told my siblings that he and my mom bought a plot of land. Can you guess who they haven't told?

[pepprs]

hi mutuals not to doxx myself but im in boston literally rn :D 🤯🤯🤯

[seapasture]

i am going to sit down and draw the gentlest scene one can possibly imagine, or the pure visual manifestation of unabashed fury. there will be no in-between (unless)

[phagodyke]

I have an interview tmr for a possible teaching assistant job. but I realllyyyy really don't want to fucking go