#it was so emotional i was with my sister and i didnt wanna cry beside her but i just couldnt help it 😭

[louismygf]

girls when they just finished watching aotv

[jubiilee13]

I am begging for jealous Mike either angsty or fluff

But just imagine him pouting because we are focused on Abby and he wants our attention

But angst hes suddenly back to when the house was hollow and his parents barely uttered a word to him

YEA YEA YEA YEA NOW WERE TALKING OMG

this literally made me emotional writing it my poor pookie bear hes so wifey he doesnt deserve that

this is not proof read so it may be a bit ass so sorry

love you anon 😍

—

It was summer break for Abby, and by this point you and Mike had been dating for a few months.

Mike was… clingy to say the very least.

Not that you minded of course, you thought it was quite cute when he clung to your side at every oppurtunity.

It did interfere at times however...

Now was one of those times.

You sat beside abby at her desk, listening carefully as she explained each little bit of her drawing which was currently in progress.

A gentle smile formed on your lips, and you watched her carefully, your hand combing through her hair as she works.

She continued her rambles, and you cant help but chuckle at her eagerness.

A knock on abbys door tears you from your thoughts, yet abby doesn't flinch, continuing her work as you gently pat her back, telling her you'll be back in a moment.

When you open the door, you meet mikes tired gaze, and you frown a bit, stepping out and closing the door behind you. (to ensure abby's masterpiece making isnt disturbed)

"You ok my darling?" your voice asks, concern evident in your tone.

Mike nods, but it is hesitant, and he immediately begins to ramble nervously "it-its stupid nevermind" he whispers, sounding almost embarrassed as he turns on his heel to leave.

Your gentle hand reaches out to grab his own, eyebrows furrowing with concern.

"Its not stupid, talk to me mike, im here to listen" You say, your grasp on his arm gentle, yet enough to cause him to break.

He lets out a quiet sob, and you dont hesitate to pull him into your arms.

"Hey hey hey im here mike, im here, talk to me, ive got you" you say gently, one hand combing through his hair as he cries into your shoulder.

You let him cry, leading him to the living room couch where he rests his head on your shoulder as he sniffles.

"You wanna talk about it" you mumble, still caressing his hair

He nods softly, taking a few deep breaths to compose himself before he begins to speak.

"I-i- i wasnt g-given much attention as a kid... after garret a-after all my... my mom and d-dad were too wrapped u-up in their grief to... to care... there were nights w-when i had to cook my o-own dinner... i-i i didnt even know how... but burnt food was b-better than starving. even before the w-whole garret thing, he was t-their golden child" he says, taking in another shaky breath as he continues.

"Ever... ever since i started dating y-you... i felt... i felt loved... cared for... but s-sometimes i get... scared that... one day you'll just... stop caring. I-i mean you love abby s-so much- and i d-do too dont get m-me wrong... its s-stupid i know but s-some days i get scared abby w-will be just like garret... and you'll leave me like they did" he whispers, a bit embarassed by his jealousy of his younger sister.

Your face softens, and you pull away to cup his face with your gentle hands.

"Your problems are not stupid, and i love you so much mike, more than i think words can even portray, i will never, and i mean NEVER stop caring about you, you are my sun, moon, and stars, you know that?" you say gently, a smile on your face as you wipe any stray tears that escape his beautiful eyes.

"Im sorry it seems like ive been neglecting you for abby, that girl is just the sweetest and shes like a daughter to me, but never will i ever stop caring for you over her" you say eyes never leaving his own

he sniffles again, and another wave of tears takes over him as he engulfs you in his arms now, body shaking as you comfort him.

The two of you would be ok

It takes time to heal, but deep down mike knew that he had found a keeper, and he wouldnt want to heal with anyone else but you

[carnalpleasure]

Part 2 of hospital!jim x reader 🏩 i didnt plan on writing a part two so lets see where this goes!!

warnings: drug mention, hospital mention, lots of angst?

Cupid & Psych

You and Jim spent the rest of the night talking. He filled you in on what life was like in Palos Verdes. It was vastly different from your life in Santa Monica, even though the cities were only 40 minutes away from each other.

You chose to live in Santa Monica though. Poor Jim never had a choice when his parents moved him and his twin sister to the most stuck up city in LA county. The locals guarded their beaches more fiercely than wolf packs guard their territory. A rabid wolf wouldn’t stand a chance against a PV soccer mom.

Santa Monica was the polar opposite. It proudly shared its shore with the misfits of Venice Beach. They had everything from ferris wheels and roller coasters to freak shows and street performers. The residents were just as unique and eccentric as the city.

Almost every building was covered in street art. Some of it legal, most of it not. But all of it was beautiful to you. That’s why you chose to run away here.

But restarting your life didn’t bring you the kind of excitement and freedom you thought it would. No matter where you moved, your demons packed their emotional baggage and came too. And that’s how you ended up in the emergency room of the UCLA Health Center.

Jim talked for hours about his adventures with the Bay Boys. They were his only escape from his hellish home life. He idolized a few of them. Not just for their surfing skills, but for their freedom and their pride.

They didn’t care when some pissed off old people started yelling at them to get off the cliffs. Or when angry locals threatened to call the cops on them for playing their music too loud. They didn’t worry, they just flipped them off and partied harder.

But the best thing about hanging with the boys? They always had something around to take the edge off. Liquor, pills, weed, it didn’t matter. He wanted to try it all. And he did. And that’s how he ended up in the emergency room of the UCLA Health Center.

You’d had plenty of your own experiences with drugs. Anyone could walk down the Venice strip and easily meet some old hippie holding shrooms, acid, oxy... whatever the vice, it could be found in Venice. So for every shameful drug induced story he shared with you, you had one to match. And he was so relieved to have someone he could relate to.

The two of you quickly came to realize how many similarities you shared. You were the same age, although he was a few months older. You both loved being in the ocean, even in the winter. You both had neurotic moms and absent dads who preferred their new families. You were both young, lost, alone, and looking for a way out.

Your family was just as dysfunctional as his. Chaos had always surrounded your home like a curse and you got away from there the first chance you got. And now you avoided them like a virus.

But Jim wasn’t so lucky. Tomorrow he would be going back home to take care of his manic depressive mother. And he’d have to put on a brave face for his sister, even though he thought she was so much stronger than he was.

“She has it hard too,” his said with a frown. “My mom treats her like shit.. because she’s young, I guess?” he shrugged, sighing softly. “I don’t know. But it’s different. My mom puts pressure on her to look nice. Yeah, that sucks. But she’s got me doing everything with her now,” he groaned.

You were both lying in your beds now. There was barely a foot of space separating the beds, but you were both lying on the very edges, as close as you could possibly get to each other.

He was lying curled up in a relaxed fetal position, his face resting comfortably on the pillow and his hands tucked under. And you were lying on your side, propped up on your elbow to get a better view of him.

You were mindlessly playing with your hair, running your hands through the length of it and curling it around your fingers. You didn’t notice yourself doing it, but he couldn’t take his eyes off you.

You could see his eyes getting sleepy now. His blinks becoming slower, more drawn out as he fought to keep them open. Neither of you wanted to fall asleep tonight. It was like an unspoken agreement. You just kept taking turns talking to try to keep each other up.

“It’s not easy being.. Mommy’s Favorite,” he said sarcastically, cringing at the name and pouting.

“It’s like a full time fucking job.. all these new responsibilities. I’m paying bills and balancing checkbooks and I don’t even know what the fuck I’m doing.”

You could see him getting worked up. He was talking faster, his brows furrowed, and his bottom lip trembled. There was so much anger in his eyes but he looked like he just wanted to cry.

“I’m not ready,” his voice cracked.

Without thinking, you immediately got up from your bed and crawled into his. He slid back to make room for you, holding the lightweight blanket open until you were safely tucked away under it with him.

He pulled you into his arms from behind and you curled into his body. He broke down the instant he got his arms around you. You could hear his quiet sobs as he buried his face in your neck. You could feel his tears softly rolling down your skin.

He was holding you so tight, his whole body formed to match the curve of yours. You turned to roll over so you could face him. He quickly hid his face in your chest, and you held it close, running your fingers through his hair and up and down his neck softly.

That seemed to soothe him pretty quick. After a few minutes of lying with his head pressed to your chest, listening to your heartbeat, feeling your fingertips on his skin.. his breathing relaxed and his tears stopped.

The feeling of your fingertips brushing against his skin made him feel better than any high. You kissed the top of his head and he thought his heart was going to burst through his chest.

When he finally got all the tears out, his eyes fluttered up at you to gauge your reaction. He’d never cried in front of a girl before, besides his sister. He was basically trained to put on a happy face all the time and never show any unpleasant emotions. He almost felt mortified for letting you see him like that.

You just smiled down at him lovingly and let him wrap himself around you. His legs intertwined with yours and he rested his head on your chest. He closed his eyes, and you thought he might finally drift off to sleep. But he took a deep breath and quietly continued.

“She keeps calling me the man of the house.” He sounded so sad the way he said it. He needed to vent and you were the first person he felt comfortable enough sharing any of this with.

He couldn’t even talk like this with Medina anymore. She didn’t treat him the same anymore. She treated him more like a kid. It felt like she was always judging him now. For his choices, his habits, his friends. He always felt like he disappointed her.

“Really-“ he hesitated before finishing his thought, looking up at you nervously. You kissed the tip of his nose and that was more than enough to comfort him. “Really.. I think she’s just using me as a stand in for the husband she can’t let go of..”

He said it so quietly. There was fear in his eyes. It was the first time he’d ever admitted it to himself or to anyone. He could never say it out loud because it made him feel so guilty to think about his mom that way.

You ran your fingers lazily up and down his back, dragging your nails gently. You just wanted to take his mind off everything somehow. Give him a distraction. A different feeling to focus on.

His hospital gown was loosely tied at the top. You tugged on one of the strings until the knot unraveled and the back of his gown fell open, exposing his sun-kissed skin.

His muscles were firm and toned from all the paddling against the waves. Yet his skin was baby soft. He had freckles all across his back and shoulders. You traced your fingers over the little constellations, playing connect the dots with his beauty marks.

Your fingertips trailed lazily across his shoulders and down his spine. He just signed, easing in to the feeling of your touch. Resting his head comfortably on your breasts and nuzzling his face into them. He closed his eyes and a little yawn escaped his lips.

“Go to sleep, Jimmy,” you whispered tenderly in his ear before placing a soft kiss on his temple. He smelt like vanilla.

“I don’t wanna leave you,” he whimpered into your chest, shaking his head.

It melted your heart and then broke it. You’d been avoiding thinking about it all night, but the sky was already getting lighter out. You were going to be split up in just a few hours. As much as you wanted to hope for a happy ending, you didn’t expect this prince to come back for you.

You were still searching for something to say back when you felt his arms tighten around your waist. “Stay with me,” his voice was soft, almost fragile.

You had to say something to soothe him but you didn’t want to lie to him either. It physically hurt you to see how much he needed someone to love him. And god, you would’ve been the best at it.

If you had met each other under normal circumstances, you would’ve dated. Fallen in love. Made a family of your own together. And you’d never fuck it up. Your kids would be happy.

You may have been given a second chance at life, but you weren’t that lucky.

“I’m right here, baby. You can go to sleep, I’m right here,” you carefully assured him. You kissed the top of his head and brushed your fingers tenderly across his cheek. He nestled into your chest and your steady heartbeat slowly lulled him right to sleep.

But you didn’t dare fall asleep that night. You were in bed with an angel and you were going to cherish every last moment you had with him.

He’d spent the first few days watching you sleep, falling for you before he ever got to know you. And now here he was, spending his last few hours sleeping in your arms.

You couldn’t help but feel like Juliet, holding her late lover’s body for the last time. And you could understand now why she drove a dagger through her heart right after.

She was right. Parting is such sweet sorrow.

💕taglist: @sexwon131 @jimmason @whatcodysaid @theneverendinghunger @angelicmichael @thewarriorprincessxo (lemme know if u wanna be removed! xo)

[stray-tori]

An Innocent Sin & the good gay flashback ft. my descent into madness

I wasn’t sure if I should post this but I mostly want it archived so here we go. This is from like,, September?

So. “An Innocent Sin” is a dumpster fire unlike anything I’ve ever seen. I don’t remember why I decided to read it. maybe I was crazy. Either way... I read it. It soon started to touch upon (very very outlandish) sexual abuse which I thought was interesting. (the angst, not so much some of the wack circumstances surrounding it)

ANYWAY. at some point... we have a flashback. And not just that. It has a gay character.

And it turns rly gay. which mind you, is still in a het smut manwha (that has a “gay” side couple, but still!)

And it destroyed me.

For those who want to read it because I genuinely think the flashback is a decent bit, it’s all the bonus chapters between chapter 77 and 78 I think. There’s a part before that too, but idk where exactly anymore. (It’s on lezhin! or your platform of choosing)

I don’t THINK you’ll need any other knowledge to get the flashback bit? but it’s been a while.

Below the cut (rip mobile users), you can read all of my amazing reactions (all of these were text messages, for context - but I took most of the replies and convos about other things out). Post is also tagged as long post. :))

(i’m serious, this is fucking long)

__________

Here I am. Liking the gay flashback character. Feck. Main dude is still straight but idk it's cute pff

This is a mess. The girl white hair likes, likes black hair, maybe, but thinks white hair is attractive

What just happened is sth I'd like to know too pff He's so cute tho omg. Watch me melt Can we stay in this flashback before everything got perverted af and before white hair gets assaulted all the time I would send an eyebrow emote if I could Context: he's asking he says it again

Ik it's not mutual but loookkk he's so sweet. He's kinda rude in present time, can't we stay in this flashback forever

I never asked for gay, never expected gay but I got gay

This story is trash why am I still reading it shdhhd

He caught his mom cheating. And now she's forcing him to watch??? What is thissss Well adoptive mom But still sudhdidu what Bitch how dare YOU exist

Save my babyyyy

Yay sister that's not yet a rapist to the rescueee

This flashback is actually just nicer in every way let's just stay here This is a super long flashback btw Idek anymore what triggered it

Okay I think I'm gonna make the sensible decision and let this dumpster fire rest and just go sleep

It was very wild. I kinda wanna see white hair get therapy but it has 90 chapters and I'm at like 30... So I'm very concerned this is gonna be very dragged out. Idek if it's even finished ahahsududi - but I do kinda wanna see where it goes and see more cute Noah (white hair) so. Here we are.

yeahhh like i was down for the sexual abuse angst but then the mother killed the adoptive son's mother bc the dad had a thing for her?? and it was someone a person studying with white hair knew and so he's investigating and I'm like how did this turn into a crime organisation kind of plot

hhhhhhh i... i appreciate these horny things also tackling abuse but it always kind of gives me weird vibes to have both, especially when its very horny. And when people are horny to people who've been abused. Idk but I'd assume... you might try NOT to tie them up if they're frequently bondaged during their assaults. I'm just.... disjdksdj hello?? am i weird?? why are they fine with it???

also this manwha is so wild, theres this murder mystery investigation thing and then theres just a couple doing honry stuff sprinkled in between and i'm like OKAY

they rescued a guy in their basement and he's understandably very traumatized and they're trying to question him cut to our main couple trying bondage which i still dont understand bECAUSE HE'S A RAPE VICITM WHY ARE YOU OKAY WITH THIS the ones questioning arent the main couple of course but idshkjds

like im glad he's somehow okay with all this horny stuff despite his trauma and im glad he can be happy and have a nice relationship but DO WE NEED THIS MUCH OF IT he's very cute tho

i like that even when i try other stuff lezhin recommends me it still has large amount of gay in it

[mei: i mean... that's pretty great, if you ask me]

I mean I agree, I'm enjoying the gay eheheh these tonal whiplashes there's not even that much white space between the panels fhjd nvm it just turned horny goddamn it can there be 1 chapter without fucking? okay, there were the flashbacks

WE ARE BACK IN FLASHBACKS but im not getting the gay relationship, sad

OH WAIT AM I GETTING GAY COMFORT bc thats very good too

OH NNOOO this turned sad very quickly

I'M SORRY IM SPAMMING BUT THIS IS JUST ANGSTY

I'M :((((

different species confirmed

I rly like them :((( I like the current girl too but it's just..... very horny with her. the flashbacks are nice [current tori edit: she’s very unloyal idk why i said I liked her] im weird HHHHH RIPPP 

someone help him he looks so saddddd

not sure if thats the most healthy relationship but I'LL TAKE IT

AWWW black hair's mom cooks mild food for them bc Noah can't eat spicy food :((( im soft

PFFF

I LOVE THE FLASHBACKS :(((

awww

i feel like theyve done much more bonding than noah's current relationship. I mean yes I think its cute when she comforts him, too, but they rarely do anything besides be horny together

OH OH THEY'RE KISSING

best buildup, honestly

the position is hornier than I'd like later here goes hope it stays cute

D-did someone just respect the word "stop"??? I am amazed

i think you might uh. have some trauma stuff too so yknow

Dohye is a little dramatic in his reassurance but it's all rly cute so I'm :(( I like them a lot pls stay like this getting invested in flashbacks is always like: ik it wont stay but pls stay like this

hELP

chapters ending in "i wanna touch him" is never good. I'm scared. Oh okay he didnt do anything. PHEW. He's already better than the girl, can't they just end up together lmao

[Noah was jealous]

w-why do you look so evil dohye haukdhjs

oh. oh no. the horny is starting. pls dont... just be cute forever

DOHYE NO YOU WERE SO DECENT WHY ARE YOU LYING ABOUT KOREAN TRADITIONS TO GET HIM TO DO STUFF HORNY STUFF TOO NO PLS STOP I JUST- WHEEE TvT the manwha is actually less visually horny in the flashbacks but im not sure if its bc its BL which isnt rly the genre of the manwha or if its bc they're still kids basically, which... I'd respect the latter, tho I'd prefer it to be like this constantly haha

okay. he's not respecting stop anymore, but it's also more of embarrassed nature more than "no i dont want this stop" so maybe i can forgive it. Still losing points, but he hugged him and it was sweet so HHHHHHHHHHH NOT SURE HOW I SHOULD JUDGE THIS SITUATION

They [Noah’s family] forbid him to visit his friends house I AM DEVASTATED

understandable they're a rapist, a fucked up murderer mother and a father with a thing for younger women so

tho he dont know any of that but yknow he's so pretty just fucking end me on the spot

hooo

they are boyfriends and ik from the future that his sister is gonna ruin it allll she has those drugs that make visual imaginations feel like they rly happened to the person (dont know if thats real but holy fuck its terrifying) and she's used it before to say that Noah assualted her. and im pretty sure shes gonna use it again bc there was a panel of Noah remembering Dohye being uhhhh intimate with her and thats why Noah began to hate him and im so sad im not ready for it. bc he's denied it in the future and i honestly couldnt see it happening even before that or she drugged Dohye, i guess thats a possibility too

[current tori: oh girl, it’s neither and it’s wack]

which if, btich you gonna die even more enough rambling, more reading. this makes me so sad but also spicy

on the manwha note, he thinks Noah doesnt like his family bc he's adopted and doesnt feel comfy which....... fair enough i suppose. and he's so cute im gonna melt just looK AT THIS 

SHUt UP, IM GONNA CRY

OH MY GODDDD he ate like ice and gum and all that, and Dohye assumed it was bc of the more spicy food and got rl worried, but he was just trying to get the smell out of his breath bc he wanted to kiss him ukhsdjs HOW CAN YOU BE SO CUTE HELLLOOOOOOOOO

look at them. LOOK AT mY BABIESSSS

how am i ever gonna care about the main couple again aww he-he wanted to go to the same highschool as him :((( im sad bc i know its not gonna happennnnnn

[mei: also at this point, you're literally never gonna care about them. i don't even know the main couple that well and i honestly don't care about them whatsoever.]

WAIT NO they're actually going to the same school awww ik it wont take long until sister fucks it up for them but for now theyre so sweet ohmygodddd

cant he move in with them, fuck his family honestly

dohye he's not a fucking pokemon iukhsdjs

oh. its. turning horny i am displeased with this development but i guess its natural for their relationship however COULD YOU DO IT AT HOME AND NOT IN SOME DUSTY SMALL ROOM how do ppl do this i like that the comments too are just "... is anyone still carng about the other girl?" sakjds

this is the best 3 panels in existence.

h-he just took your hand dohye idk what to tell you

[mei: "you blush at everything i do" god if that isn't me, idk what is]

awww its cute dohye is getting bonus points bc he invited Noah over while his mom wasnt home, they watched some sexual stuff and he DIDNT try to do anything what is this where can i get more of this

"well im not okay"

MY BABIESSSS 

they still didnt do much btw they're just kinda exploring and its honestly nice TvT I dont want this to ever endddd

[Dohye sees Noah’s sister and approaches her] N O

N OOOO

this is the starttttt of something.......... TERRIBLEEEE 

:((( babyyyy

I AM EMO

Noah was drugged im sure. hes having dreams and waking up in pain and the sister is asking doyhe over I DONT LIKE THISSSSSSS OH HE DECLINED

OKAY OKAY he saw him with her again but it was from behind and im not sure if it rly happened??? oh no this is terrible. Noah :((( poor child

i am so emo about this

[reminder he’s been abused TvT]

[the sister: “Don’t you want to know why?”]

i will. murder someone he called to ask her to delete his number btw what is this manwha but this is just gonna make it that more tragic when whatever happens that breaks them apart :(((

he's such a good bf but Noah just wont TELL him his side I'M SO SAD

I AM SO SAD

No

NO

It cant end im actually tearing up nooo you were so cuteeee and happpyyy

[*sister is telling dohye to come to the gym hall*]

what else is she gonna do she already teared [current tori: ahem... T O R E] them apart THAT'S NOT DOYhE. THATS NEVER HIM. OH MY GOD. is it a look alike??? damn, she's dedicated to just. ruining it, huh

I’M

I’M SO SAD

now he's switching SCHOOLS NO NOOOOO how will i ever find happiness againnnn NO they're misunderstanding further they're not talking properly i mean i get it but oh my god

I'M :((( 

NO NOOOO pls make up in the future at least omg he tried to clear it up tooo ahhh i dont even have hopes for them getting back together but i just i want them to clear it up im crying first manwha to make me cry and it's this dumpster fire ahaha maybe a little too bc it kinda hit a little close to home i guess but goddamnn ittttt they were so cuteee and so happy and AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

OH NO. Noahs getting drugged and assaulted. And he's realizing it happened before, he just forgot. I am. so sad it's not horny drawn either which i appreciate but MY HEART NO

N O DONT YOU DARE MAKE THIS WORSE

Im. gonna cry more 

Doyhe kept an eye on him im so emo :(( but he thought he was doing well enough and gave up.... Im im so sad no i want you to make up and get back together its all just a stupid........... MEHHHH will i ever find sth like this flashback again

[mei: p-probably not, no]

i am so devasted i dont even wanna go back to the main couple just fucking. i want this relationship back :(((( but i guess the investigation might end up somewhere so hhh hhhhhhhhhhhhhh the baker manwha had a similar flashback feeling so. i just gotta find more of that haha

BUT THIS WAS SO SAD??? im so emo

[Dohye got kidnapped // the flashback commentary stops here but I think my descend into madness is pretty funny too]

OH YEAH THAT HAPPENED. THE FLASHBACK WAS SO LONG I FORGOT. NOOOO SAVE HIM. JESUS CHRIST PLS JUST ONE GOOD THING

its. actually rly smart to have another, more focused on them flashback, before the arc where he gets kidnapped by the rapist murder household so. good job. from a meta perspective but also NO but also. maybe theres hope for them making up at least after all :(((

[main couple kissing] this is. very weird now. but im glad he has someone, he deserves it but dohyeeeee

and switching to sex, YET AGAIN now i wanna see this EVEN LESS THAN I DID BEFOREEEE it's even.... a threesome now with one of the other characters why are you like this why can't you be. like in the flashback i am so upset HAHHHHH WHEEEZEEEE

I am just stop fucking jesus christ PLEASE I DONT WANNA SEE IT ANYMOREEEEE

im just stop the horny pls just tell me who that new guy is and why doyhe likes him so much

[mei: this manwha is a fucking mess but at least we got your lovely commentary out of it]

dhsuksj thanks i feel honored at least i got cute BL out of it before everything went [back] to shit

[mei: THAT TOO]

[...]

tbh im getting kinda mad about doyhe... i dont... feel like he'd just fall instantly for a guy who looks like Noah... but eh not my character

i just want closure for dohye at this point, fuck everything else ... not literally pls theres already too much of that

pls get it together for like 1 chapter is the investigation even still happening i am so confused save dohye plEASE wait what i have less than 10 episodes left Dont tell me this shit isnt even wrapped up yet

[Dohye is having a breakdown over the Noah double not coming to see him anymore]

yeah i this... doesnt feel like Dohye... at all... Even when Noah was rejecting him he was just kind of... taking it with some humor and maybe he was a little desperate and risky sometimes but... oh well... i do want him to get better but... im having a hard time believeing this development??? he never seemed overly anxious or anything. but who knows what else they did to him. Sister can still go fuck off tho

[...]

i mean. i liked the flashbacks a lot honestly??? it stayed simple and focused on the dynamics and less trying to balance smut with murder plots

[dm partner: NO THAT'S WHAT I MEAN LIKE CLEARLY THE AUTHOR CAN MAKE A GOOD STORY SO I'M JUST... CONFUSED AS TO WHY THEY DIDN'T STICK WITH SOME SOFT, FLUFFY BL ROMANCE MANWHA AND DECIDED TO MAKE WHATEVER THIS IS INSTEAD ]

okay i dont care bc dohye is currently getting assaulted nobody asked for this why i just. this is terrible. he was... so sweet. he doesnt deserve this. nobody does of course but jesus christ pls someone save him at least its not horny visually, one saving grace

ah... the assult is back to being depicted horny-ly thank you for nothing

[... removed some general confusion about the plot]

YES. SOME SHIP FOOD.

i am. suffering i mean i cant stop but GOD

okay so apparantly. the sister. has just an arsenal of people who look like other people Dohye, then Noah... and even Noah's GF??? this is ridiculous??

one good message 

why 

did you feel the need to add that [actual tired rage]

im gonna die this manwha is gonna kill me im laughing but im suffering oh hes arrested great and thats the end and the last update was in january of this year

why AS IN NOAH IS ARRESTED nobody who actually did anything is arrested What is this why is this AHHH I at least wanted the complete-ness of finishing this but now I'M JUST SUFFERING

[ mei: I MEAN TO BE FAIR I'D BE SUFFERING TOO BC JUST... WHAT THE FUCK I HAVE?? MANY QUESTIONS?? AND MANY CONCERNS BC THIS MANWHA IS JUST... AN EXPERIENCE ]

its an experience allright WELL

_______________

yup that’s it.

in my head, in a twist of events Dohye and Noah make up and are actual endgame. Something like that must exist out there but I won’t ask because it’d destroy the surprise and ruin the point.

That’s it.

Have a nice day.

[cheswirls]

i had that surgery between posting abt tokrev and now n took a break from reading and so the first half of tenjiku arc is fuzzy BUT i did finish it today so heres an  update, ~190 chapters in

ive been vague b4 but this one will DEF have spoilers im talking openly abt so if you havent finished tenjiku arc dont read anymoreeee

i think i started last time abt the emma ch so to start off this one w the emma ch bc. damn. i think besides being absolutely heartbreaking this cemented kisaki as not necessary the enemy, but as someone who has done wrong. kisaki has been the main villain this entire time, but i mentioned this last time, its different being told someone has done something vs seeing it. besides him n hanma beating up chifuyu, everything kisaki has done hasnt had any proof to it. even when he says  something akin to ‘damn my plan is foiled’ its less admission when theres nothing to back it.

but emma changes that. now theres a homicide associated w kisaki. now theres a bad thing hes done right in front of the mc, and for all the viewers/readers to see. now hes equivocated w the death of emma. 

i think emmas death matters for two reasons, and one more than the other. the first is the impact it has on mikey. its shown a few times now what death will do to him, like w shinichirou and baji, but w emma it hits different. im gonna contrast her and baji on both points, not to take away from baji’s death, but to add to emmas.

if im not mistaken a majority of baji scenes were only shown after his death. i think it worked and the valhalla arc was  rly well structured, but what this left in turn was a sort of emptiness associated w baji dying. the readers didnt rly know him at all compared to some of the other toman captains, and it rly hadnt been shown yet wwhat his relationship w mikey was like. we see the effect it has in his rage towards kazu, and none of his grieving. even when at bajis grave, its chifuyu that gets a bigger focus than mikey. but w emma, it actively tears mikey up. he struggles to carry her to the hospital, hes visibly shaken when he tells takemichi shes grown cold, and hes absolutely dead inside when hina is crying at emmas corpse and drakon is yelling at him asking why he let it happen. it hits hard, and it shows, and it makes the impact that much harder, that she died in the past and theres no way tofix it. and the realization takemichi has right before, of ‘o yeah ive never seen grown emma come to think abt it’ then bam.

the second and much bigger point is the emotional impact is has on the reader. baji appears and is instantly a source of conflict. he outs himself from toman, he joins the enemy, he denounces chifuyu when questioned abt investigating kisaki. theres no reason to trust him n no reason to think he’ll turn back, and then only thing there is mikey saying he wants baji back.

emma had that amazing chapter not long before, and shes had a few focal points previously, like on her birthday, and on new years, etc. we’ve seen her as an individual first, then as mikey’s sister, and that makes a difference. seeing her even admitting izana was her brother rly hit different bc its emma, the emma that grew up w shin and mikey but had another life before that. that was the connection i kept making, even as izana explained he had more relation w shinichirou, bc it was mentioned by emma first, bc emma remembered him, after all those years. knowing izana was involved w her death made it hit harder. it hits harder in general bc its emma, someone whos been around since the beginning, and been explored more in depth. i felt sad when baji died, but i was destroyed and heartbroken when emma died.

which, going back, makes kisaki in turn absolutely despicable. deplorable. abhorrent. unforgivable. even more so when he shoots kaku, and then izana, thrice, and then izana dies. i still rly didnt. get? izanas motivations, but i started to feel for him thru mikey, when he realized it was izana shin meant when he asked abt a second older brother. kaku getting shot was unexpected and almost worse than emma in the moment, bc kisaki had a gun and even knives were kinda taboo weapons, guns were completely off the table, and he shot five times andinjured three people w every shot. im glad the tenjiku members that stayed behind told police abt kisaki bc the entire time he was running i was like um??? and even B4 that i was like hey no mikey you dont need to stay, yall jus nee to beat kisaki into submission n have him confess bc the gun is right there, the bullets are there, cmon now.

but then kisaki dies/????? the way its set up made me go crazy, thinkin someone did it purposely, but then the driver was a nobody, and then hes still alive after impact???? big surprise honestly. but then his arm n leg are emessed up, n he says he cant get up, n it took me a sec to realize he prolly lost coordination n not jus bc of one leg, like he prolly couldnt sit up at all, then he up n died rightthere. 

b4 thattho, was the confirmation. i completely always thought kisaki wasnt a timeleaper, i thought takemichi made atheory but  it was baseless, i didnt rly like it, and then the scene during the vs tenjiku when he says future stuff n kisakis like what?? are yiu talking abt??? BUT THEN then have their standoff in the same parking lot n kisaki says you are a timeleaper and i was like what? he can also??? but then he coudnt! he admitted, was like no in ever could, which means someone else is pulling strings if there is another timeleaper, andmy moneys on hanma, the only other one whos been around the whole time. maybe ill b surprised but i f its not him then theres not another one, imo.

kisaki dying caught me off guard. his whole ten year plan was absolutely nuts, ic ant believe he thought he could go up to hina n straight propose n she would say yes, like honestly would she even remember him at that point? regardless i knew from the cram school chapters that there was some connection there, but i didnt think hina dying was some jealousy-fueled hate revenge plot. wild. but now the “main” villain is dead so what goes from here? we willn see.

i am rly glad kaku made it out. tallying 3 deaths in the kanto incident was so confusing w emma being one of them but the reveal that kaku was alive was rly something. i hope more comes from him!! the setup between him n takemichi was rly rly nice!!!! i wanna see more

i am kinda sad abt coco, bc thesetup of takemichi protecting him from div5 was great, n inui is a permanant fixture in div1 now, so to see coco decide to split was kinda sad. hope he doesnt go down the wrong path. kinda expected to see more knowing how popular him n inui are?? but nontheless

and smiley and angry were so good!! souta and kawata are amazing and souta was not like what i was expecting at all, n now knowing that he cares a lot n is not rly a fighter but iss till in toman jus. rly speaks a lot abt mikeys judge of character n kawatas older brotherschtich that they would let him be vice of div4. seeing what kawata and mitsuya both did during tenjiku arc was rly nice. 

and then hina telling drakon andmikey!!! surprised they believed, but it rly will mak things move now. for ex the gun scene where hes abt to shoot kisaki, rly ready to end it, but then hina n mikey rush in. i rly like that knowing that they both know this takemici is from the future, bc they panic but their faith in him isnt lost ,y’know? like they see him desperate, n drakon has a great line abt takemichi’s desperation, theyre not seeing their friend abt toshoot someone n freaking, n they wont judge his sense of character off of that,instead theyre seeing the desperation of someone who wants things to change, and know they can talk him out of it, or if not that then at least ,like, its not going to change what they think abt him. iunno jus. nice little detail i loved while reading that.

[johnnysnostril]

Without You

chapter fourteen

jaehyun’s pov

i sat in the hallway with my eyes closed. breathing slowly, i tried to calm myself down- processing this information.

how the fuck did he get that picture?

alonna wouldn’t send anything like that to him..would she?

“baby!” haechan yelled as he ran around the corner.

i smiled and waved, pushing my emotions down.

he always called me baby for some reason.

i gave him a hug before he walked into the studio and followed him in.

it was 5 minutes to 2pm and malcolm hadn’t come back yet.

as i took a seat, i stared over at taeyong- who was staring back at me.

i wanted to kill him so bad.

haechan jumped in the booth, slipping the headphones on and pretended to record.

minutes later, the rest of the group walked in- including johhny.

i stood up as soon as we made eye contact, pulling him back outside the studio.

“im about to fuck him up, johnny.” i mumbled.

he furrowed his brows.

“who?” he slipped his phone in his pocket and ran his fingers through his hair.

“taeyong. he has a picture of alonna in her underwear- in my fucking bathroom at the hotel.”

johnny looked down the hall to see if anyone was coming- then pulled me outside the back exit.

“don’t let him get to you, jae. he’s trying to fuck shit up for you and alonna.”

i shook my head.

“how. did. he. get. the. picture. johnny?”

he sighed.

“you have to trust alonna. she wouldn’t do that.”

“who knows? taeyong didn’t hide her, at any point of their relationship. what if she wants to go back to him, because we’re not official yet?” i countered back.

johnny chuckled and placed his hand on my shoulder.

“are you hearing yourself, bro? you sound ridiculous.”

ivy’s pov

after brunch, alonna and i decided to go visit our old hangout spot. as we pulled into the parking lot, i almost wanted to cry.

“you remember we used to come here, almost everyday after school?” i questioned.

i looked over at her as she gazed out the windshield. 

nodding, alonna reached over and grabbed my hand.

“yeah- this spot was almost like home for us.”

we were quiet for a second. this was more than just a “spot” to us.

this was where we came, when shit got tough.

“and when your dad died..”

i winced at her words then glanced down at my flowers.

taking a deep breathe, i nodded- blinking away some tears.

“yeah..”

letting go of her hand, i opened the car door and got out. alonna did the same, coming around the car and hugging me.

i held her tight for a moment.

for some strange reason, i wanted to hug johnny right now..

“let’s go see if our names are still carved into the bench.” alonna said changing the subject and pulling away.

i smiled and linked my arm with hers as we walked.

johnny’s pov

the meeting with marteen was a success. we already had a few beats lined up- but one in-particular stuck out to all of us.

although the meeting turned out great, i was irritated that i had to be in the same room as mark. of course we didn’t speak, and no one but jae really knew what was going on with us.

haechan only knew cause mark opened his mouth and told him.

but luckily, haechan hadn’t said anything to me.. yet.

after we recorded some of the song, we all decided to leave for the day.

i slipped my phone out of my pocket, checking to see if i had any messages- as i walked back to my car.

boss lady.

“alonna.” i mumbled.

opening her message and reading, i leaned against the car.

“how many times do i have to tell you to stay away from ivy, johnny? i’m not going to keep playing with you. stay the hell away from my sister. you being violent in front of her, was not okay- but, you had the nerve to follow me to our brunch date? who do you think you are?”

i sighed and shut my eyes for a moment.

i understood that alonna was just being protective. i get it.

but, i would never put my hands on ivy. i wouldn’t even think about it.

“alonna, i know what i did was stupid and immature. i get that you're just being protective of ivy. i would have never laid a hand on her. please, understand that. you have to put yourself in my shoes though. you know how mark is. he’s just trying to take ivy away from me, cause he knows that i actually had eyes for her first. and to be fair, i don’t even think that he truly likes her. he just likes the idea of her.”

“johnny.” jae said running up behind me. 

i turned around, quickly locked my phone.

“you ran off so fast.” he chuckled.

giving him a handshake, i smiled.

“sorry- just trynna get back to the hotel. i’m exhausted.”

he moved his hat on his head, turning it backwards.

“you’re not gunna come to practice?”

i shook my head, opening my car door.

“i’d rather not. not like i’m needed anyway.” i laughed.

“what’s that supposed to mean?”

jaehyun took hold of the door as i jumped in and started the engine. 

“we’re a group, johnny. you’re needed just like everyone else.” he reassured me.

hearing my phone ping, i nodded.

jae started to babble on, about the importance of being a team- while i read alonna’s message.

“i’m not going back and forth with you over text. meet me at the hotel in 30.”

rolling my eyes at her message, i dropped my phone in the cup holder.

“i hear you, jae. but, im not going to practice. being in the same room with mark for a few hours, was enough for me.”

shutting the door, i strapped on my seat belt and drove off.

alonna’s pov

after sitting at our spot for awhile, ivy stood up from the bench. 

“i think i’m ready to go now.”

i chuckled and agreed.

“good- cause i have somewhere to be in like 10 minutes.” handing over the keys to ivy, she furrowed her brows.

“where?”

i placed my hands on my hips and smacked my lips.

“i’m older. you can’t question me. now let’s go! drop me off at the hotel, please.”

i laughed, pushing ivy to the car.

safety, my sister drove to the destination- pulling right in front of the lobby door.

“do you need me to come pick you up later?”

i shook my head.

“i’ll probably stay here.”

ivy playfully rolled her eyes, placing both hands on the wheel.

“you know, you do still have a room at the house. don’t forget that you live there too.”

i was quiet for a second before reaching over and hugging her.

“i know... i love you, ivy. see you later.”

hopping out of the car, i grabbed my purse- running over to the entrance of the lobby.

quickly making my way to the room, i knocked on the door.

johnny swung the door open and i pushed past him, walking straight to the couch.

johnny’s pov

“well hello to you too.” i said sarcastically as she made her way inside.

i shut the door, shoving my hands in my pockets- waiting for her to start the yelling match.

“why would you follow me?” she began.

licking my lips, i thought of the right words to say.

“i like her, alonna. and i needed to make things right, before mark gets too deep in with ivy.” 

alonna folded her arms, lifting an eyebrow.

“that doesn’t give you the right to follow me. you could have just asked me where i was going.”

i chuckled lightly.

“it’s not like you were going to tell me you were meeting up with her. you made it clear that you didn’t want me around her.”

she threw her hands in the air.

“and you didn’t listen.” her voice began to crack.

“if something would've happened to ivy that night, do you know how hard it would've been for her to bounce back from that?” alonna yelled.

“you don’t even know anything about her, but yet- you like her “so much” right?”

i was quiet. clearly, she was right.

letting my gaze fall down to the floor, i bit the inside of my cheek.

“ivy is so fragile, johnny. she needs to be protected at all times. the least you could do, is thank mark for keeping her away from your crazy antics.” 

lifting my head, i held up my hand.

“i’m sorry- thank him? that, i won’t do- ever. so, you can toss that idea out the window right now. i know that i’m better for ivy. period. and if ivy wants me around, she’ll have me around. you’re not the boss of her, alonna. she’s a grown woman. ivy can make her own decisions.”

alonna laughed, placing her hand on her hip.

“and what happens when she picks mark, huh? you gunna beat him up again, for something that ivy wants?”

i couldn’t believe her right now.

“why don’t you just worry about what’s going on between you and taeyong, okay?

huffing, i made my way upstairs.

“excuse me?” she said following behind me. “there’s nothing going on between me and taeyong. i haven’t spoke to him since your stupid party.”

i laughed at her comment, taking off my shoes.

“yeah, okay.”

alonna grabbed my arm, turning me around.

“what did he tell you?” 

i looked down at my arm then back at alonna.

“he didnt tell me anything.” i said pushing away from her.

“why don’t you go ask jae what was said.”

alonna’s facial expression changed. like she was shocked that i even mentioned his name.

“he said something to jae..” she mumbled.

i laid myself on my bed and sighed.

“i’m exhausted, alonna. i just wanna sleep.” pulling back the sheets, i buried myself into the covers.

“whatever.” alonna twisted on her heels then made her way back downstairs and out the door.

mark’s pov

leaning against the mirror, i watched everyone try and catch their breathe.

i hated dance practice sometimes. it went on for hours and hours.

walking over to the window, i leaned against the coldness of the glass.

the night was dry. no wind, nothing.

it was completely dark and only the street lights lit up the area.

“good work guys. that’s it for the day. make sure to keep practicing and we’ll continue tomorrow.”

our choreographer smiled as he quickly exited the building.

i just kept thinking of ivy. 

what she was doing, and how she was feeling.

“mark hyung..” haechan called out for me. as he approached me, i patted his back.

“does it hurt?” he asked.

i shook my head.

“don’t worry- im okay.” i laughed. 

haechan pointed at my lip and shook his head.

“johnny hyung must have been really mad. please dont fight anymore.” he whispered.

i smiled at his bad english. at least he was trying. besides, this busted lip didn’t even come from johnny. but, he didn’t need to know that.

“haechan, we wont.” i reassured him.

he smiled back and walked away, grabbing himself some water.

i sighed and pulled out my phone as it began to ring.

the number was unknown. i furrowed my brows and hit the answer button.

“hello?”

“hi, stranger.” ivy giggled.

i shut my eyes, smiling at the sound of her voice.

“hey, beautiful.” i whispered back to her.

“what are you doing?”

i could tell there was a smile on her lips.

“just thinking about you.” i replied back in a low tone.

“don’t lie to me.” shes spoke softly into the phone.

“i would never. how are you? did you get some rest?” 

she was quiet for a moment.

“can i come see you?”

her tone changed slightly.

“of course. is everything okay?” i asked.

“i just.. i- yes.”

“dont lie to me.” i repeated her line.

she breathed a laugh.

“come see me at the practice room. i’ll text you the address now.”

ivy’s pov

pulling into the parking lot, i looked up at the building. this looked sketchy. i was almost scared to get out of the car.

grabbing my phone, i called mark for him to meet me outside.

shortly after our phone call, he appeared from behind the door.

i smiled, biting my lip- turning off the ignition and getting out.

“you must have really missed me. that was pretty quick.” mark said in a playful tone.

i rolled my eyes at him comment and hugged him as he stood in front of me.

his arms wrapped themselves around my waist, pulling me into his body.

i held him for a moment, closing my eyes and taking this in.

i still needed to think about all of this. i didn’t want to play with anyone’s emotions and i didn’t want to be played with either.

mark swayed from side to side slowly, burying his face in my neck.

“you smell so good..” he mumbled.

i blushed, tightening my grip around his neck.

“thank you..” i whispered.

as he pulled away slowly, i pouted on the inside.

“everything okay?” he said taking my hands and squeezing them.

i nodded. “yeah.. i just wanted to talk.”

mark smiled and began to pull me towards the building.

“you have perfect timing, you know that?”

i tilted my head.

“and why is that?” i smiled as he continued to walk backwards, once we were inside.

looking at his watch, he chuckled.

“because, i’m overdue for some kisses.” 

[insomnihan]

han’s Entire Thoughts and Feelings on Dreamcatcher’s “Deja Vu”

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

MY TIME HAS COME 2.0!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FULL INSOMNIA MODE DONT. LOOK. AT. ME.

there are no read mores here so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

ALRIGHT SO-

THE SONG OKAY LETS JUMP RIGHT INTO IT i wasnt expecting something lowkey sad BUT im not mad at it!!!!!!!!!! i had conflicting emotions when i desperately wanted to cry but also headbang?????? HOWEVER thanks to force and air the tears in my eyes were drying as i headbanged- LIKE this song really PUT ME THROUGH IT like that chorus didnt have tO DO ME LIKE THAT™!!!!!!!!!!!!! BUT THEN THE VERSES AND THE PRE-CHORUSES WERE SLOW (and the bridge but bridges be like that in nearly all songs) WHICH IM ACTUALLY REALLY INTO it was like being in a roller coaster with the verses being the slow hill and the chorus was the fall THAT PIANO GOES HARD...................... but like in a soft way????? DONT ASK ME WHAT IM SAYING IS IM A HOE™ FOR PIANO THOSE DRUMS DURING THE CHORUS STOP IT I CANNOT I FELT THEM VIBRATE THROUGH MY BONES

like i DEADASS have nothing to criticize or change about this song its PERFECTLY FINE AS IT IS (except for like more gahyeon and dami????? pls??????)

siyeon starting the song.......................... thank you.............. I STILL STAND BY SAYING I WOULD LISTEN TO HER VOICE FOR LITERALLY FOREVER HER VOICE DURING THE CHORUS QUEEN OF SINGING CHORUSES OH BUT THEN THAT HIGH NOTE ARE YOU KIDDING ME??????? SHE DIDNT HAVE TO KILL ME LIKE THIS BUT THANK YOU SO MUCH I- and now....... im in the deja vu P L E A S E

gaaaaaaaahhhyeeeeeooonnnn her voice is so pretty!!!!!!!!!!! BUT I WANT MORE!!!!!!!!!! HOWEVER youre the second one to sing with this beautiful gentleness of a part and to be honest this part paired with siyeon starting it really eases you into the song and its quite the blessing to hear thanks- and then yknow this part right after handong........................... Heaven™

SPEAKING OF HANDONG LISTEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE AMOUNT OF LINES SHE HAS MAKES ME WANNA CRY OKAY THIS PART RIGHT HERE............................. PLS.............. (i think its just me but theres a smaller voice singing like right under her voice????) HER PRE-CHORUS PARTS ARE LITERALLY THE BEST PARTS IN THE WHOLE SONG TO LISTEN TO pls believe me when i say this its NOT bc shes my ultimate bias like i genuinely like her parts the most

sua pls i was already prepared for softer vocals and you really gave that to me and then this is absolute perfection they were beautiful and amazing OF COURSE got me feeling like i was floating on actually clouds god TAHNK YOU AND THEN YOU JUST HAD TO HIT ME WITH YOUR PART RIGHT HERE???? i understand its just the chorus but I Felt That™ okay!!!!!!

JIU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i stand by saying how your voice be powerful as hell still even during these lines VERY short but VERY effective and very good leading into the chorus i love- and then your bridge....................... B I C T H really put me in my feelings but i welcome it with EVERY FIBER OF MY BEING and with open arms.......................

YOOHYEON AKA THE OTHER QUEEN OF SINGING CHORUSES I MEAN..................................... I LITERALLY DUNNO WHAT TO SAY!!!!!!!!!!! LIKE THEIR BEAUTIFUL SOUNDING HER VOICE GOES WELL WITH THEM like i really like the parts she sings after siyeon like................. Y O O F if a feather became a voice-

i need more dami too..................... P L E A S E like obviously with their other songs i was expecting dami to be in the second verse and with a smooth rap section and the former was correct HOWEVER to my pleasant surprise SHE SANG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! her singing voice suited this SO MUCH and im actually glad there wasnt a rap part at all in this song especially that SECOND PART.................. Heaven™ 2x

my favorite lyrics (x): i know i said handongs were my favorite to listen to but i like these lines dont hurt me

난 이 숨결이 허락되는 날까지 As long as I can breathe 다신 너를 놓을 수 없어 I can’t let go of you again 우린 모든 순간 함께 할 테니 We’ll be together for every moment 내 곁에서 beside me

THE DANCE OKAY IM GONNA DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT ill be referring to THIS PERFORMANCE can we pls talk about how loud the fanchant is im crying and really take it in and all of their talented glory ANYWAY OF COURSE the choreography F UKCING SLAPS just so many different position changes and just alwaYS SO IN SYNC WITH EACH OTHER ITS INSANE ill just list them briefly and keep the points short this is long enough:

THE BEGINNING AND THE END BEING THE SAME...................... CERTAINLY DEJA VU-

SIYEONS TUTTING THING THANKS

handongs majestic spin

this and this with how the formation changes and how their arms swing AND the kick

ALSO in those parts in the last bullet i dunno why but i like that move jiu does when she sings IT HITS

i recall sua spoiling literally the first move of the chorus dance in that vlive THE CHORUS DANCE ALL THOSE FORMATION CHANGES LITERALLY MESS ME UP and THIS most important move in the entire choreography and they line up and its SO COOL to look at

when they lie on each other doing yoohyeons lines

handongs part again when theyre in the line and how satisfying it is to watch

THE ENTIRE BRIDGE

LITERALLY THE ENTIRE DANCE FROM START TO FINISH

QUEENS OF STABILITY

sidenote: can we talk about how handong and dami?????? literally spin during their parts????? and they sounded super clear??????

THE VISUALS SO.......................... if you had asked me two days ago (maybe a little bit of yesterday) about how i felt about this video.................. i wouldve mentioned some unpopular opinions regarding the videos look............ i mentioned to gwen @loonapunk that i wasnt TOO into it............ BUT- after finally sitting down to do this long ass post i dont hate it!!!!!!!!!!!! i think bc i have to remind myself that this song (album???? well song-) is for that kings raid game and all the visuals AND story are based off that????? i dunno BUT WHAT I DO KNOW IS I LIKE TO WATCH IT

IM TOO BIG STUPID™ TO COMPREHEND THIS STORYLINE AND COME UP WITH MY OWN THEORIES EVEN NOW AND I WOULD L O V E TO EXPLAIN IT TO YOU BUT THIS IS LONG ENOUGH AS IT IS SO ILL REDIRECT YOU TO THEORY POSTS (TWO (2) FROM MY GALAXY BRAIN MOOTS) THAT I LIKED:

@highsomnia NITAS POST WHICH I PERSONALLY FOUND ENJOYABLE TO READ SO IF YOU COULD READ THIS YOU SHOULD ALSO READ THAT

@in-somnias ELENAS POST WHICH WAS ALSO AN INTERESTING READ RIGHT HERE

AND THEN THIS ONE THAT WAS ORIGINALLY FROM TWITTER i dont follow her so im not gonna @

AIIGHT IMMA GO CRAZY WITH THESE SHOTS (with only small one/two sentence captions this is LONG ENOUGH):

BICTH I SAW THIS AND KNEW I WAS GONNA GET GOT™ like its just super duper INCREDIBLY PRETTY TO LOOK AT

THIS WILL BE FOREVER ICONIC™ DONT ARGUE WITH ME

this is what the calm before the storm looks like

went back to the mv film making video and turns out they got slippers on under that table love that for them

how in the hell am i supposed to interpret this exchange

okay longer section i think im supposed to interpret this more as a sister bond than a romantic one?????? i remember being taken aback and believed this to be something gay BUT 99.9% OF INSOMNIAS say its gay subtext so ill just put it like that i dunno but like i just wanna say they have beautiful smiles and im love them!!!

a youtuber reacting to this mv saying it just looks like theyre shading each other.................... anyway-

i CANNOT i repeat I CANNOT EXPRESS TO YOU how Shook™ i was when i saw this for the first time i basically jumped out of my chair i couldnt i-

this mv really led me to believe jiu was the evil one.............................

POETIC. CINEMA.

THE WOMAN. THE MYTH. THE LEGEND. THE FIREBENDER. THE WOLF. LEE SIYEON. pls light me up

Symbolism™................ SYMBOLISM I CANNOT COMPREHEND GO TO THE THEORIES

MORE SYMBOLISM GO TO THE THEORIES

T H E M

NOT ONLY IS THIS VIDEO SUPER AESTHETIC™ BUT THE SEVEN (7) MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMEN IN THE WORLD BLESSING US ONCE AGAIN WITH THEIR PRESENCE AND ALLOWED THEIR ROYALTY VIBES SHOOT INTO THE MESOSPHERE INTO REAL LIFE KILLING ALL OF US

THE DANCING SCENES WITH THE TEASER OUTFITS...................................... AT EASE.....................

LITERALLY NO COMPLAINTS MOVING ON:

JIU

L I S T E N KIM MINJI YOURE A FULL PRINCESS this pink fluffy dress with the flower crown in this picture............................ i may have cried- like a lot of people were trying this look to persephone and im HERE for that concept for her and like the white outfit AND black outfit is probably super symbolic again im too Big Stupid™ anyway when i saw that black outfit in the teaser........................... i was attacked jiu with a sword is just EVERYTHING i wanted and more

SUA

LITERALLY I CANNOT- her hair being wavy looks SO GOOD on her THIS BLACK DRESS WITH THE FLOWERS she is always a Serve™ WE KNOW THAT but her visuals just HIT DIFFERENT this time lighter colored hair really suits her and then of course she looks FAN-FREAKING-TASTIC in the dance scenes in the white and the black that low pony tail pls

SIYEON

purple on this woman just shoulders and collarbones out being Beautiful™ ALL THE WHILE staying ON BRAND with herself and was wearing pants good for her G O D i just love the way her hair looks in the white and gold outfits like it just LOOKS PRETTY to me i dunno how to describe it also her with a pony tail WHAT ARE YOU SO PRETTY FOR-

HANDONG

i just................... want closer shots of this.................. CLOSER SHOTS IN GENERAL OF HER ACTUALLY like LOOK HOW BEAUTIFUL™ SHE LOOKS HERE I WANNA SEE MORE OF IT??????? PLS??????? nothing gets me weaker than her hair being styled exactly like in the picture i just love that her royalty and regal vibes and looks were FINALLY realized and WAS BROUGHT TO THE FOREFRONT

YOOHYEON

THIS MV MUST CONVINCE ME SHE IS EVIL BY SHOWING HER FOREHEAD first of all the first outfit turning her into an Actual Entire Princess™/Queen™ that red one i dont really understand SHE MAKES IT WORK THO THEN THAT BLACK OUTFIT LISTEN yo it was like getting hit by a whole truck full speed i wasnt ready and i just wanna admire that yoohyeon and gray colored hair is an actual match made in heaven i just have to say-

DAMI

i love this suit and the patten on it so much this outfits color (what is that teal????) and her hair color is such a GOOD PAIRING and on her SHE JUST KILLED ME WITH HER SOLO SCENES i wish i had more to say about her and her outfits but what else can i say other than that she is INSANELY ATTRACTIVE AND I WANT HER TO STEP ON ME???????

GAHYEON

she really broke my neck when i saw her the first time LIKE DEADASS LOOK AT THIS PICTURE i had fallen for her and i cannot get up when i saw this outfit in the other shots like the black top and the see through sleeves but her skirt is like different colors she really Served™ in this outfit bangs usually look cute but in her solo parts she was coming for my heart like miss lee gahyeon pls-

BONUS TIME: B-SIDE TRACKS (just short thoughts and point out specific parts i liked lmao)

Intro:

their intros always slap are you kidding me-

The curse of the Spider

i wasnt ready for this bop to slap me in the face on my spotify that chorus didnt have to do that to me THAT GUITAR DIDNT HAVE TO DO THAT TO ME i love the way dami and handong sound in this song i mean wrow-

favorite lyrics (x):

소름이 끼칠 만큼 It’s chilling 도망치고 싶어질 it makes me want to run away 그런 두려움일 테니 such is this fear

Silent Night

B I H C T i knew when i heard this in the highlight it was going to be my favorite one IT REALLY WOKE SOMETHING IN ME these lyrics i cant- gahyeon and handong hurted me with their lower registers Y AL L YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE HURTED ME THAT D R O P DID

favorite lyrics (x):

겨눈 칼 끝은 a blade directed at someone 결국 돌아오게 돼 eventually returns 더 다가오지 마 don’t come closer

Polaris

this song is as if i was wrapped in the thickest blanket i got and im resting on the softest bed in the world with a fireplace going nearby and i could finally rest peacefully bc the lord knows i need it- i really cried a little bit listening to this pls leave me be i legit cant pick a specific member i liked the most for this song i just love it and everything it got

favorite lyrics (x):

그게 너라서 행복해 I’m happy that it’s you 그 많은 인연 속에 Among those numerous connections 수많은 사람 중에 Among those numerous people

LIKE im so completely satisfied with every song on this album and im completely in love with it!!!!!!!!!! the only ‘issue’ i really had was with the mv visually but as you read i warmed up to it lmao LIKE IM JUST SO PROUD OF THESE WOMEN AND HOW TALENTED AND HARDWORKING THEY ARE like i have to say the japanese release?????? and this????? being so close to each other????? you telling me they learned TWO (2) different choreographies one after the other???? i absolutely love this album and i desperately desperately DESPERATELY want so much more success for them bc ITS WHAT THEY DESERVE!!!!!!!!!!!!! this is supposed to be just about the overall mv and deja vu but i might as well just type what i feel lmao

IN CONCLUSION: MY INSOMNIA ASS IS BOTH ALIVE AND DEAD BUT MOSTLY ALIVE I LOVE THIS IM STREAMING

i have to bring this back its relevant again:

[morinokunikara]

Your comments about your in-laws are so devoid of empathy and compassion that I think you should be very concerned about your values and state of mind. You seem to care about social justice, but the emotions you express here are indicative of somebody that really doesn’t care about anything or anyone besides themselves. What’s the point of caring about social justice causes when you can’t even show kindness to those who make your life easier to live?

me: my in laws are incredibly kind people that i enjoyed being around once i got my barrings, but my uncle cannot cook a turkey, especially not as well as my mother makes them. i still ate what i got, and did not say this to his face because i know better than that. 

you: honk honk its me bobo wanna see me climb out a tiny car 

i mean DAMN you want me to say the opposite about an in law? my first visit here my father in law made some AMAZING ribs. i loved them.

also the only in laws of mine that make my life easier are my mother in law and my father in law. hell, my sister and law and her husband are making my life HARDER by living on the couch and making us have to deal with their one year old son crying and them yelling over it in the middle of the night regularly, and im STILL kind and respectful to them. other than that? i hardly know these people. my uncle made dinner and honestly? the mashed potatoes he made were really good!!! but the turkey was dry and bland and i didnt like it!! im allowed to have that opinion!!! his turkey sucks!!! i love the guy!!! he seems very kind!!! but he cant make a turkey!!!! 

[my-anonymous5444-blog]

My Story

---Hey guys sorry about being a downer i’ve just been wanting to share this for a long time 

2017 

Hello im 13 years old.  i wish i was dead. If wasn’t for my family i would be dead right now. When you commit suicide you just pass on the pain to someone else so i refuse to kill myself because I love my family too much. I don’t have any true friends and i hide my true self behind multiple masks and i think the farthest anyone outside my family  has ever gotten is 2 masks down. I believe i have at least 4 that i hide behind that’s why i don’t have any true friends. The only ones i do have are always putting me down or are just pretending to be my friend. I’m all alone. My sister knows me the best. But even when i’m with her i wear a mask. I feel so alone. Sometimes i wish that i didn’t have a family or anyone i cared about so i could just die and get it over with. I don’t tell anyone i want to die because i don’t want to be a burden, so i just bury the dark thoughts in the deepest darkest part of my mind to the place when i don’t even go. I hate my life. I’m so done with all the shit i have to deal with, at this point i wish i was dead. I’ve cut my legs and arms before but my knife was not very sharp so it dulled quickly and now it won’t cut skin so can’t do that anymore. I wish i was someone else. I think i’m not interesting and i hate myself. Everytime i take pills i think of overdosing, when i visit tall buildings i want to jump,  when i cross the street i think about jumping in front of a car, when i shave i think of cutting my wrists. I’m in pain and i can’t stop it. I don’t want to tell my friends because they will want to make me stop doing things i’m doing, like making myself throw up or cutting, but i won’t stop and it will be an endless cycle of me doing things and them telling me to stop. They’ll eventually get bored of it but they can’t stop telling me to get better because it will hurt their consciousness. I want to tell someone but i don’t know how. I don’t think i’m capable of feeling anymore. The only things i feel are sadness and depression and shame. I don’t feel happy or proud or anything else. The only glimmer of happiness i get is when i get other people to laugh. That's it. I eat away the pain but i hate myself so i throw up and cut and then eat more. There are so many things i can’t help that make me more depressed. 

2018

Everyone says i'm smart and funny and worthwhile but i feel useless and stupid and irrelevant. I always wear a mask of strength and i say i never cry but i cry a lot and think way too much about what people say. I don’t know why but other people’s opinions mean a lot to me. Even the people i hate have  opinions that i take to heart. i m always saying that i don’t want to get married or have kids. I say i don’t want to get married because i think marriage is a chain but actually i just don’t think i’m worthy for someone to love and i say i dont’ want kids because they are annoying but i don’t want kids because i can’t imagine bringing something i love into the stupid fucking world we have. The world sucks and i don’t want any kid growing up in it. I think i’m ugly and i hate my body. I’m constantly trying to numb the pain, sometime with movies or work. I wish i didn’t have to be born. I wish my parents had just had one daughter. I don’t want to die through suicide but i want to die. I find myself constantly wishing i would get shot or get run over or i would choke.  I hate being alive. 

Its 8th grade and i’m in costa rica. I tried to kill myself twice so far this year. i feel so damn alone and i dont think i can deal with it anymore. Im not with my family or my friends and im not sure how much longer i can hold on. I tried to slit my wrists with my razor but i dont think i cut my wrists in the right place because i didnt bleed that much. That was a week ago. Last night i was listening to rly sad music and id made me feel shitty. I tried to cut my wrists again and i did it right this time. I just kept cutting until i started bleeding a lot. I bled out in the sink . i had a panic attack and started hysterically crying. I had to be quiet so i was just sitting in the dark in the bathroom bleeding out with my hand over my mouth tears running down my face. I dont get it. I want to die but for some reason i cant kill myself.  My life doesnt have any meaning. Im ugly and stupid and completely worthless. Everyone tells me i have to learn to love myself but i can’t i wish i was worth while, i wish i was someone else. This one girl keeps joking about suicide and depression and it makes me mad but im to fucking ashamed and scared so i just sit there and i dont say anything. Why do i never say anything. Why can’t i have some actual opinions and not just agree because im scared of rejection. I would be better off dead. 

I finally told my family. I’m on medication and it seems to be working but not very much. They all say it will get better with time but i don’t want to live anymore i’m tired of it and im not even to the hard part yet. When i have access to alcohol and drugs i’ll probably become an addict because i’m scrabbling for a way to take away the pain. I can’t tell my friends because they wouldn’t understand. I feel alone all the time and i wish i wasn’t born. There are about 3 people besides those in my family that make me wanna live. Sophie, Celeste, and Audrey. That’s it. Sometimes i realize how dark my mind gets, like today there was a lockdown at school because someone thought that they had seen a man with a gun but it was a false alarm. While sitting against the closet i found myself wishing someone would shoot up my school so i could die and my family would eventually get over it. Then i realized what i had just thought and immediately was like stop it. I have so much stress and i’m not even in high school yet. I want to die. Even when i think about the future i get stressed out and sometimes have a mental breakdown. Someone please kill me. I was crying in the bathroom yesterday and some 6th grader heard me and asked if i was ok, i wiped my tears away and walked out like nothing had happened. Why can’t i show emotion to other people what am i so afraid of. Why cant i just be normal and express myself naturally? 

2019 Im now a freshman in high school. I’ve been getting better and the medication has been helping. Sometimes i still think about wanting to die but i’m a lot happier. I have a group of amazing friends and i can be myself around them. They love me and i love them. I also just fell in love with a boy for the first time and its a nice change from before. I know people lose  hope and give up. trust me, i’ve been through that and it sucks, but you keep going forward and things get better. I actually am enjoying life recently and i think it has to do a lot with going to therapy and trying to make more in depth connections with my friends and family. I still get pressured by my parents about grades and i can’t tell them a lot about thats going on. I’m addicted to nicotine and i think i may be getting addicted to alcohol too. It feels so good when your high or drunk. Im trying to make better decisions but its fucking hard. And old habits die hard. My mom called me worthless the other day. She said that if i didnt work hard i wasn’t going to go anywhere in life, which is accurate but it was like she was accusing me of not trying when im trying my hardest and im stretched so thin. I love my boyfriend. he makes me so damn happy and we have such a strong connection. I want to be with him forever and i want him in my life forever but i know he’ll find someone better and i can’t help but wonder how he’ll break my heart. 

- I know its weird to share this online but i just want people that are going thr the same thing or have gone thr something like this that they aren’t alone 

[neon-pumpkin]

2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12,13,14,15,16,17,18,19,20,21,22,23,24,25,26,27,28,30,31,33,34,35,36,37,38,39,40,41,42,43,44,45,46,49,50,51,52,54,55,56,57,58,59,60,63,64,66,67,68,69,70,71,72,73,74,75,76,77,78,79,80,81,82,83,84,86,87,88,89,90,91,92,93,94,95,96,97,98,99,100,101,103,104 😂😂😂

WOW LETS FUCKING DO THIS AND HOPE NO ONE SEES IT EVER BECAUSE FUCK

2. What’s going on between you and the last person you kissed? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. im going to kill myself.

3. If your boyfriend or girlfriend was into drugs, would you care? as long as it wasnt anything more than weed we’re fine.

4. Is your last name longer than six letters? yes! S-w-e-e-t-a-p-p-l-e

5. Was your last kiss drunk or sober? We were both semi-drunk. More so sober tho.

6. Have you ever wanted to have someone but you messed it up?kind of? did i mess it up tho? i dont really know. i just didnt say anything. now i hurt.

7. What does your last received text say?We’re bringing home ice cream sandwiches

8. How many times have you kissed the last person you kissed?...fuckin.... like 10 times? 

9. Where was your last kiss at? my bedroom waddup

10. When is the last time you saw your sister? like 2 days ago

11. What do you drink in the morning? straight whiskey... or OJ

12. Where did you sleep last night? in my own, wonderful bed

13. Do you think relationships are hard? getting in a relationship is hard honey

14. If you could go back and change something in the past 5 months, would you? yes!!!! a lot!!!!

15. You’re locked in a room with the last person you kissed, any problems? no except i cant kiss them anymore ((((((((((:

16. Would you rather it be sunny or rainy? rainy 100%

17. Do you know anyone with the same middle name as you? fucking loads? james is a common middle name.

18. Are you wearing jeans,sweatpants,or pajama pants? jeans bb

19. Do you think you will be in a relationship 3 years from now? i fucking hope so jesus christ

20. Does anyone like you? ppl friendzone me, which is good! give me friends! i like friends!!!!!!!

21. Have you ever kissed someone with a name that starts with an S? yerp, back in middle school

22. Is the last person you kissed gay? HA. YES. KIND OF. HALF N HALF.

23. Is there a person you CANNOT stand? lmao yes always

24. Have you ever considered getting a tattoo? i have 4 sweaty :)))))

25. In the past week have you cried? yes a lot more than usual!!!!

26. What breed was the last dog you saw? husky @ work!!!!

27. Do you dry off in the shower or out of the shower? in the shower is that weird?

28. Have you ever kissed a football player? negatory!

30. Do you like text messaging? yes more than using the phone!

31. What type of day are you having? shit! complete shit! utter shit!

33. Do you prefer warm or cold weather? cold!!!! cold cold cold!

34. Is there a person of the opposite sex who means a lot to you? yes!!! too much!!! it hurts. but besides her i rly like halee shout out 2 u girl if youre reading this.

35. Would you prefer a relationship or a fling? relationship. the last fling i had ended with me wanting 2 die.

36. Are you a simple or complicated person? complicated!! like a puzzle!

37. What song are you listening to? Seafret - Oceans

38. When you say you’re sorry do you mean it? most of the time. i say sorry too much.39. Is there a girl that knows everything or almost everything about you? yes! hi halee! hi jen!40. What made you start liking the person you like now? WE MADE OUT BC ALCOHOL. NOW I WANNA DIE.41. When did you last receive a text message? 3 minutes ago!42. What is wrong with you right now? the person i like just went into a relationship and it hurts me bc things r complicated!!!!43. How well do you know the last female you texted? v decently well!44. Does anyone disgust you? myself?!?!???!!!45. Would you date someone right now if they asked? it depends on the person!46. Are you in a good mood right now? no! never! negatory!49. Has someone recently told you something you didn’t want to hear? YES!! IT HAPPENED 2 DAYS AGO!!!!50. Anyone you’re giving up on? MYSEEEEEEEEEELF!51. Do you hate the person you fell hardest for? YES YES YES YES YES YES YES WHY DO YOU HURT ME SO

52. Have you ever thought about giving up on someone but couldn’t? WOW LIKE RIGHT NOW 54. Do you care if your boyfriend/girlfriend drinks? nope! drinking is good for your mental health. at least thats what i tell myself.55. Have you ever liked somebody and never told them? kind of???? i think they know. but that didnt fuckin stop em. 56. Do you like to cuddle? yes!!! apparently so!!!!57. Are you shy? too much!!! 58. Do you get along with girls? more so than guys!59. Have you dated the person you texted last? nope! almost but nope! 60. What do you carry with you at all times? my demons. loljk my phone! 62. Do you think you can last in a relationship for five months? yes?? 63. Think back to October, were you in a relationship? nope! 64. The person you like kisses you on the forehead, do you find this cute? I CRY BECAUSE I HAVE EMOTIONS THAT ARE NOT OK.

66. How old are the last three people you kissed? 22, 20, AND 21.

67. Would you rather pay to get your nails done or do them yourself?   i can do them myself :)))) 68. Which do you like better- Zebra print or leopard print?    LEOPARD HONEY69. Do you have any stickers on your car? yes it says “life is better with a boxer” and its true bc my boxer died and life went to SHIT.   70. Would you rather listen to Luke Bryan or Lil Wayne? NEITHERRRR   71. Blackberry, Anroid, or iPhone?  iPhone cause im used to it.  72. When’s the last time you had pizza from Pizza Hut? a year or so ago.   73. Do you like diet soda?   i like... flat soda. 74. What color are the walls in your room? GREY   75. Are you 16 or older? 20!!!!   76. Do you watch Pretty Little Liars? no!!   77. Do you have a job?  at PetSmart!!!!    78. What are your initials?  MJS  79. Did you ever have braces? no my teeth r rly good   80. Are you from the south? gr8 white north!   

81. What does your last status on facebook say?  it was about puppies we had up for adoption @ work  82. Do you still talk to the first person you ever kissed? nope! she disappeared!   83. Are you closer to your mom or your dad?  momma!!!  84. Have you ever done cheerleading or gymnastics?   lmfao no.   86. Do you smoke?  smoke what? kidding i only smoke lucifers lettuce and even then thats rare 4 me.  87. Would you rather wear heels or flip flops? heels!!!   88. Is your phone touch screen?   yes!!! 89. Do you normally wear your hair straight or curly?  straight!  90. Have you ever snuck out of your house?   never! oops. 91. Would you rather swim in a river, lake, or pool?   drown!! 92. Have you ever made out in a car?  no but yes pls.  93. …Had sex in a car?  no too small  94. Are you single or in a relationship?  single and rdy 2 mangle!  95. What were you doing last night at midnight? playing video games when i should have been sleeping!   96. When’s the last time you saw fireworks?   new years eve!!! 97. Do you like the camera on your phone?   yes it v nice! 98. Have you ever had a friend with benefits?   YES ACTUALLY. THEN I GOT ATTACHED. 99. Have you ever passed out from drinking?   lmao @ montana’s once 100. Are you friends with people on facebook that you actually hate?  of course!  101. Have you ever had a pregnancy scare?    wow like every day 103. Do you have any tan lines right now?   the only light i get is from my computer screen 104. Would you ever wear cowboy boots with shorts? my fave thing 2 wear!!!

[iamprish1-blog]

I have always felt defeated in life, lost not knowing my ‘purpose’ or meaning in life, I think this once abandoned space can prove it all. However, since the past weekend, I think a huge part of me has changed, something I can’t put into words has happened in me. 

It was last Friday 23rd of June 2017, when i came home around 12 or 1pm and I saw she posted on instagram that her dad had passed away, i was shocked and found it hard to believe, just a day before that she was thankful for the miracle her dad almost missed death. but that day I was so sad that i cried loool....i cried because i realised a few things, 1: my crush for her was really foolish it was a meaning that is meaningless because there’s nothing i could do to comfort her or anything.. i do not know her, 2: from the text message she shared on instagram i could tell god has taken away a great man/father and its so so so unfair and she really had such a great blessing to have had a father like that! she always said that her family is estranged but she doesnt know its not at all... maybe they didnt always agree with each other but it was still a very beautiful family  3: there’s nothing i could do...and i really wished that i could exchange my life for her dad’s...because at this point in my life i dont have anything thats precious to me and i dont have anything i look forward to...besides my petty dream of buying 1 or 2 audi with cold hard cash...which got me thinking if it were anyone else would i wanna do this obviously nope i wouldnt...and this thought really scared me that why on earth would i have thoughts like this???? then i remember i think i used to say like i would exchange a few years of my life for love LOLOLOL WTF like seriously i just wanna punch myself in the face/body/anywhere i totally regret saying something like that...and im not sure if i would regret saying this...honestly i wouldnt even exchange my life for my parents’ and thats for sure but zac maybe yeaaa

actually last week i deactivated the fb account which i created just to stalk her, but somehow after the news i reactivated it cause i wanna know if she shares any stories on fb...but who knew that the next day she posted for the funeral service...and till today im still curious why she shares her fb posts for everyone to see...she shouldve at least only share the details to her fb friends cause she wouldnt want to message everyone about it...but maybe i should be grateful for that cause obviously i went for all 3 days ! at first i only i wanted to attend on monday...cause its weird for me to even be there like why on earth should i go!! but of course knowing me i have always been sooo sooo sooo so obsess with her... i just went i mean like i dont even know why i went because i wouldnt do something like this at all what more to attend your crush’s father’s funeral?????!!!!!! its so ridiculous i didnt even go to saint’s open house when i was actually invited twice.....and now i attended to someone’s dad funeral when I have NEVER MET THEM OR KNOW THEM AT ALLL?????????? oh yeaa and i actually unfollowed her on insta but then re-followed her again cause i was so afraid she would make her page private and i wouldnt know anything that fear was seriously real lol

it might sound totally ludicrous but i actually felt like there’s some sort of ‘force’ or what that made me go there...i didnt hesitate much not as much as i thought...i was only worried that she might see me and then that would annoy or anger her....however, maybe at first i gave the excuse that i can finally see her...but then it felt more like i just want to be there...i just wanted to be there i dont even know why...the first night i went i was late to appear right at the parlour, so i missed her eulogy, but i was glad cause i could give myself the excuse to come again...the first moment i saw her i felt a sense of relief i think, nothing like anything too much of emotions, but once i was there i just wanted to be there even more....just awhile after i was standing right outside the corner window i saw just waving at first i thought she was like waving at me or what lol cause she was looking at my direction, i couldnt see well cause the windows were tinted and kinda blurry...but then i thought oh she must be waving at someone from the crowd cause she doesnt even know me lol...and then i left early once people starting to queue to pay respect to her dad, i wanted to stay longer but there’re toooo many people soon the sight of her was buried in the crowd...so i left cause i saw her friend and i panicked a bit...the funny thing must be...when i arrived quite early for malaysian timing i stood in between juncture in front....i made myself looked like i was attending the one on the right and kept my head down sticking my eyeballs to my phone...then like around 830 i was like i gotta do something...so i just tried walking towards the right i wanted to see whats behind....thank god i walked till behind and found their room...there’re so many people standing outside but once i heard someone talking i just couldnt care much and stood right infront of the window...then i saw her with her sisters...and of course all the people outside must be think im so weird cause now they know im here for the same person lol i was quite embarrassed for that....but then the next day while waiting at the airport for boboy to arrive....its sooo long i was thinking sooooo much i wondered hmmm why did she only wave to the person at that time wouldnt she see them earlier already??? haizzzzz i was just tooo confused

the second night i went and i was shocked to see when i arrived that there’re no people standing outside...but this time i didnt take the back road...and when she was presenting her eulogy i stood in front of the door only cause theres where i could hear clearer from the outside, i couldnt hear everything she said tho...just she mentioned about now her definition of sadness is different and she almost almost burst out crying and after that i heard something like ‘you know.... someone to walk us down the aisle’....when she finished i asked the worker to help me give the money cause i didnt want to go inside cause i know i shouldnt even be there...but when i walked towards the window where i was standing the previous night...i think i saw her head turning towards where i was going....she must have felt confused like whats happening and of course i think by then she must be wondering who the hell is this person! and so i gave the money with my nickname zenn....cause i thought it would seriously wayyyyy toooo stupid and moronic if i used a fake name like seriously i just couldnt lol... and then when i was standing there i think she was looking at me cause her head was like at my direction but just didnt know if her eyes were on me or what....and then i did something seriously dumb i thought that for her to not see me i could just hide my face behind all the photos hanging there...but then it only laterrrr i realised that from HER PERSPECTIVE she would still see me cause ughhhh like seriously cant believe im SOOOOOO DUMBBBB!!!! ohh and then at one point when her sister walked behind to take something or what she followed behind too....so means i could have see her standing right in front of me but then i turned around cause like of course i was afraid she would like know which now i realise its all soooooo stupid cause i mean like seriously its sooooo bloody obvious i was looking at her the whole time...but then im not sure if she knew who i am.....when people were like paying respect to them i was standing on the other side of the window means i was standing behind them, and then suddenly i think i saw her friend looking at my direction cause i was like the only weirdo standing outside looking inside! but then actually i still cant be too sure cause i was standing quite a distance and i couldnt see well through the blurry window and then i got panicked more and ran away lolol....but i was glad that there’re a lot of people giving them comfort SO MANY HUGS LOL! sometimes i wish i could hug her lolololollll

on monday it was the funeral service in the morning, and i think the timing was right from the beginning cause papa was already planning not to go to site on monday, so i had no reasons not to go....and again i just felt like i gotta be there...and this time i went inside and sat at the last row which then after that i saw the guy i was sitting next to was actually her friend lol cause he hugged her...and then he was with her other friends....and then i was like damnit! damn i miss one thing....her family went to calvary church...i think i heard that since the first night but didnt bother so much....but then on the second night when a pastor was like giving his short speech....i had my head on the ground cause you know standing for so long is back breaking and tiring plus i have working so hard at the site :( but then suddenly a familiar voice had my head raised up....i looked through the blurry window and thought is that the very very very very fussy pastor????? ok so i just googled yep the pastor should be pastor richard that one i know...but im not sure if the one there was the same....however its on monday pastor steven that really made me think was i really meant to just be there? cause again most of the time my head wasnt looking straight up except when her sister was singing and damn her voice is greattttttt i dont think any chinese can sing sooooo well!!!! even betterrrr than jacklyn victor or something lol! too bad she isnt a singer....but then again too bad im not a film star when im so funny i could be the chinese gianna jun lolol HA HA HA HA HA AHA HA AHA AHAHAHA ok pls prisha! right....the pastor his voice was so so so familiar and comforting like i just heard it yesterday not like literally but like just recently, which is weird cause its been yearss since i last attended to calvary and thats before they moved, plus have i even been there more than 50 times??? lol! idk but now i really want to hear his voice again cause its like reassuring...and im not sure if i could remember voices or its just that pastors’ voice is more anointing to the ears.....and also there’s another pastor who share the story her dad made him a charger thing....its really weird cause i never expected to remember pastors faces cause theyre all like old men right all look almost the same....but then i know i will never hear pastor steven’s voice again cause i will not go to such a huge convention center it just doesnt feel like a church thats so commercialised....tho dumc hall kinda big too...but then i now realise i really prefer their voices more than the pastors in dumc lolol i think im weirder than the person who married eiffel tower lel

anyways when i was sitting down i turned behind and saw some of the pictures there, i knew i could easily walked up and take a closer look at all the pictures, but i didnt cause i know i didnt have the rights or deserve to do that, just like how i wish i could have the chance to see her dad but i couldnt, there’s no reason for me to. i wonder if anyone believes that true love can actually transcends space...no doubt i could feel the unconditional love he had in him...i mean i didnt need to listen to all the testimony to know like seriously his face showed it all ! ! ! one thing for sure i definitely felt inspire that i would like to dedicate all my faithful love to someone...i dont know who it will be or what will actually happen in my future....but i know i will wait patiently for the person to show up....it makes me wonder if she actually has TOOOO much love in her that she sorta a player tho HA HA AHAA....ok jokes i shouldnt tease people when their loved one just passed away....but i know even if i have way tooo much in me i would still only give it to one person, there will always be room for only one in my heart....maybe its also why now i just feel like shutting myself out from the world....i dont even feel like talking to shalinn i mean i wanted to at least remain some kind of acquaintance and go to their final studio presentation....but now i really cant....i dont know how to process what im feeling is too weird i need time to forget this i need time for my prayers to come true then only can i open my heart.....meanwhile i will do whatever i was planning to do slowly and hopefully the day i stopped stalking her will come soon.....truth is im kinda frustrated too...i dont get why is it that i felt like there’s some sort of i dont ‘spirit’ or whatever shit pushing me to go there....but god doesnt even bother to tell me WHAT I SHOULD DO NEXT WITH MY LIFE!! i just want the feeling whereby it just flow and its smooth and everything feels right....because i didnt have anxiety at all when i was there, just nervous cause first time going to a place where no stranger would ever go is seriously something lel! and maybe a bit of panic and trying to run away trying to hide which all didnt work didnt make sense lolol...like when after her dad casket were inside to be cremated...her friends were like walking out and coming towards my way, i panicked that i was like damnit now i gotta go for real...but then i was so nervous i missed the entrance just on my left then walked a round and then got shocked confused why the hell i came back to the same place....and seriously at that moment i thought i was gonna faint cause the weather was bloody scorching hot and i had a cap on and i didnt eat breakfast and i was confused like where the hell is the exit??????? but then i ha d the chance to stay longer like to look at her lololol like seriously damn stupid...till the end i finally leave when more people were leaving

. . . . . . . .. . . . .. .. .  .. . . .. . .