#his little speech/breakdown where he cries and asks why he doesn’t feel anything

[arcadianico]

i just finished q’s vod from yesterday and honestly? i feel vindicated in my belief that q’s attraction to wilbur is based more around his romanticisation of relationships (and his grief for tilín, silent but ever present) than love

[wellhellotragic]

These Wounds Won't Seem to Heal  3/4

Summary: It’s not her fault. She’s still new and doesn’t know. He’s not flawless. Not anymore. He’s got scars, ones she’s seen first hand. Ones she helped tend to. His body is covered in them. There’s a thin red line where he took a bottle to the face during his early beat cop days. There’s another angry red mark on his torso from where he was stabbed with a knife in his ribs. The one where he had his hand slammed in a locker as a teenager has long since faded, only the barest hint remaining, only visible in just the right lighting.

There’s two oval scars now too. One in his stomach and one on his chest. Those are from the worst day of her life.But none of those scars compare to the ones he carries on the inside. The self-inflicted cuts he makes to his soul never quite healing over. He blames himself.  It’s not his fault.

There’s a scar on her soul now too. One he left. A piece of her heart forever missing.

Rating: Mature (mostly for language)

A/N: Guy, I suck so hard core. I don't even know how I let so much time lapse between chapter 2 and now, and then to really top off my suck-o-meter, I realized that there's going to have to be a chapter 4 because I can't fix what I've done so easily. Not realistically at least. I promise, and happy ending is coming though, and it won't take me another 8 months to get it up. I hope to have it up and finished by the weekend.

The AO3 version

It’s been a hell of a night. She’s not sure where exactly it falls on her list of worst days ever, but it’s in her top five. It has to be. It’s not the worst, that honor is saved for the night she almost lost Killian, but it’s still up there. She’s spent hours now going through all of the details over and over again with Graham and Lance, her story never changing. Getting poked and prodded by EMTs, despite telling everyone that she’s fine.

She’s not, but they can’t stitch up her insides.

David, her partner, on the other hand has a bullet hole in his leg. Better than his head though.

She’s not even sure if she can fully reconcile everything that happened. She and David were investigating the death of a low profile importer, a nobody, interviewing some dock workers that had found the body. Some gruff looking men who easily blended in with the usual fishmongers and cargo sorters.

But they weren’t. She realized it just a second too late, right before a bag was pulled over her head. She fought like hell, but she was at a disadvantage. From what she heard, David had put up a fight as well, but in the end, it was useless, and she lost consciousness with a sharp blow to the head.

She woke up strapped down to a chair with David the same a few feet beside her. She shouldn’t have been surprised, Jefferson had always given her a bad feeling, but she never actually thought he’d go dirty. She certainly never expected to be facing the wrong side of his department issued sidearm.

Even now, everything is still a blur. Graham assured her it’s the shock, that it’ll fade once the adrenaline wears off; that everything will clear up after a good night's rest. She’s not sure about that though. It’s four in the morning now and the adrenaline seems to be hanging on for dear life still and she knows she's not going to rest any time soon. Humbert offered to drive her home but she declined, choosing to wait for August to finish wrapping up his report.

She’s not sure what time it is when they finally arrive at her apartment. The battery in her cell phone died ages ago. Neither of them even make a move for the fridge, choosing to bypass the beer she keeps stocked for the hard nights. Instead, the two of them move in silence to her room. She plugs in her cell before crawling in bed next to him, like when they were kids in Ingrid’s foster house. She’s not sure who’s comforting who at this point, but she knows that she just needs to be with family.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

She doesn’t, but she knows she needs to or it’ll eat her alive. She’s tried that once already and it ended up with her almost having a complete nervous breakdown and a three week leave of absence with daily Archie sessions.

“I don’t even know where to start.”

It’s true. So much has happened in the last twelve hours, there’s no one easy to pinpoint place to begin. So August goes first. He fills in the blanks that he can, so that she might be able to piece together the rest. He tells her about Killian sending him undercover, about Jefferson and missing drugs and money. How Jefferson was helping to conceal evidence that would link Walsh and the Nikko empire to a wide distribution of pixie dust.

Some of it is just speculation, that Jefferson must have figured out they were closing in on him and that’s why he went for Emma, and David was probably just collateral damage. How he most likely picked Emma because he knew how much she meant to him , and while he didn’t say Killian’s name specifically, the implication hung over her like a heavy cloud.

“Before you got there, he told Killian to choose. Between me and David I mean. To pick which one of us would live and which one would die. And then he just started laughing and screaming in this crazed voice that I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forget.”

It was the single most terrifying thing she’d ever heard. The mania that accompanied it. She already knew that it was going to haunt her for months to come, if not longer.

It’s a real Gracie’s choice. Gracie’s choice Killian. GRACIE’s CHOICE!!!

She felt August shift next to her.

“Gracie was his daughter. She died while he was undercover with a Southie Gang. Killian was undercover with Cruella at the time. It was a freak accident, a gas leak and the house went up in flames, but he was convinced that she was killed by one of the De Vil boys. He told me once that he knew Killian had given him up as a snitch to prove his worth. The De Vil’s had nothing to do with the Southie boys, but he’d twisted it up in his mind. I never thought he’d do anything about it though. It was just crazy drunk venting one night.”

She knows August. Knows that he’s blaming himself for what happened tonight, but she ignores it. Nothing she says will stop him from tormenting himself, and she’s not done.

“I told him to choose David. He has this whole perfect life, you know. An adoring wife and a new baby, all of these people that would miss him if he were gone. I told Killian to save David, and I-” She hates how small she feels when she cries, but she can’t hold back the tears. “He gave me this look. He’s been cold, but this was something different. There was just so much anger in his eyes.”

And that’s when she breaks. Knowing that hated her was one thing, but watching him train his gun on her. Seeing the pure darkness in his eyes. She doesn’t know how to voice it to August, but she knows that if August hadn’t arrived when he did, she knows he would have done as she asked. That he wouldn’t have had to think twice about it. And it’s that knowledge that sliced open the last piece of her heart that had been hanging on by a thread, even after all that time.

August holds her through the tears, until she finally exhausts herself enough to sleep. And so she drifts off, completely unaware of the new voicemail alert waiting for her.

________________________________

The February air is cooler on the water and he kicks himself for not bringing a heavier jacket. It’s been ages since he’s been out on this boat, and time has helped him to forget everything except for the things he wishes he could. Liam always used to tease him, so much so that Killian would reject any offers of warmth from his brother just to prove a point. He wasn’t some silly kid that needed to be minded anymore. He was capable of doing everything on his own, except for bringing an extra coat. He forgot everytime, and today was no exception.

Luckily for Killian, the spare that Liam kept on the boat just for him is still in its place, folded neatly in a small storage locker below deck. It hits him in the gut a little, that Liam could be so right about some things and incredibly wrong about others.

It’s eating Killian alive, not talking to his brother. Not being able to express himself because despite everything Emma has done for him, Liam still doesn’t approve of her. Liam often still thinks of him as the teenage boy, awkward and desperate for approval from anyone that will give it to him, even if it means getting taken advantage of.

He’s not that kid anymore though. He isn’t letting his crush steal his essays and letting her claim this as her own. He isn’t using all of his hard earned money to buy her jewelry that she’s just going to pawn for cash later. He isn’t following after Emma like a lost puppy dog.

He’s in love with her, and he has a sneaking suspicion that she feels the same way. But at this rate, he’s never going to get Liam’s blessing, the only approval he needs anymore.

He shouldn’t be thinking about this now. He really shouldn’t. Not when he and Liam are sitting in a rented dilapidated loft across from an abandoned fabric warehouse waiting for the Canal Street Cutter to emerge. There had been a lot of chatter that morning about where he might be hiding and Liam assembled teams throughout South Boston hoping to catch a glimpse of him.

Emma and August were stationed about eight blocks over. Lance and Arthur were on the edge of South Boston and Waterfront. Other teams were scattered, but too far away to get to if they needed assistance.

Killian had tried to tell Liam that it was a bad idea to spread everyone so thin, but the elder Jones brother had been instant and headstrong as ever. It would have been a career making arrest, and Liam, ever aspiring to be more just wouldn’t let that chance pass him by.

“I just think that you have other obligations that require your attention right now.”

“If this is the bros before hoes speech you can just save it.”

“Killian,” The exasperation evident in his brother's tone, “you know I detest such vile language. It's crude and you are better than that little brother.”

“What obligations?” He has to quash his desire to correct his brother’s description of him.

“I just think that you are meant for so much more in this life and I worry that you gave up so much when you left the narcotics division to follow her into homicide. You were a rising star there and now you’re having to cut your teeth all over again.”

“It’s not as if I’m starting all over. For God’s sake Liam, I just made Lieutenant. But there’s more to life than a job.”

His brother takes his gaze away from the binoculars to turn to Killian.

“Look at father and all of his vices. It strayed him from the path. But you, Killian, you persevered and now everything you've wanted is in your grasp.”

“This isn't the same thing and you know it. Emma isn't some pathetic man’s addiction. Liam, I'm in love with her.”

“Killian,” Liam pauses, taking a deep breath. “She's a distraction. Think of all that you’ve accomplished in the year that you were undercover. You brought down an entire crime syndicate. You did that without her taking your attention away.”

“I didn't bring the De Vil family down because ‘we’ were apart. I did it because we were ‘apart’ and I knew the only way I'd be able to see her again without putting her in harm's way would be to find the evidence and make the arrest.”

“Fine, if you need another reason, have you thought about working directly with her, or even over her in a supervisory position? Have you considered how your personal relationship with a subordinate could affect your judgment?”

“It’s not-”

Liams sees movement in the distance, cutting off Killian’s rebuttal, but his view is obscured so he motions for Killian to follow him, to leave the safety of their little room. They stay silent as they walk downstairs and head out a propped-open door leading to an alleyway. They had to wind through hallways to get from the loft outside and now they’re further away from the warehouse with no cover.

Killian even tries pointing out how visible they are, but Liam shuts him down, determined to close the case. He’s halfway sure that Liam’s trying to prove a point about how Killian can’t be successful and be in a relationship with Emma. He’s seen it before, the way professional jealousy destroys couples. But Emma’s not like that. She wouldn’t see his success as her failure.

They try to skirt the perimeter and he knows he should keep his mouth shut, this just isn’t the time, but he’s just so frustrated that he can’t keep holding it in.

“Please don’t make me choose between you.” It’s an angry whisper, more to himself than anything, and even though he did his best to keep his volume low it’s still enough that Liam’s heard and turns back to him, missing sight of the empty beer bottle at his feet.

The glass battering against the gravel echoes through the night as they both stay silent, waiting to see if they’ve been heard. The air is still around them, and Killian thinks they just might have lucked out.

And then he hears the gunshots ring out.

Liam is on the ground before Killian has time to register what’s happened. He runs to Liam, but gets knocked to the ground before he can get to him. His body hurts and he can see blood covering his hand from where he just touched his abdomen. He’s always heard people say that the shock blocks out the pain, but they must all be liars, because the longer he lays there, the more the pain intensifies.

It takes everything he has to pull himself behind a dumpster, half crawling, half slithering like a snake.

The shock eventually did kick in though, because even to this day he has no memory of radioing in for help. Just the vague memories of Emma leaning over him. The look in her eyes as she tried her best to hold back tears.

The same tears he fought back the night he left Boston, like the coward he was. But Archie was right. He needed to get his head on straight, to distance and center himself. He had to leave, for her.

He’s still wrestling with the guilt. He talked about it with Archie, how she begged him to kill her and save David. And that he actually considered it for about two full seconds. Not because he wanted to, but because he didn’t want her feeling the way he did. The burden of knowing that someone else was dead, and knowing that no matter how good you are, how hard you try, that you’ll never live up to them. He didn’t want her hating herself the way he did. Didn’t want her to destroy herself like he had.

But then something snapped inside of him and rage bubbled up. The audacity of her to beg him to kill her. For her to try and force that decision on him, with no regard to him or his feelings.

It was at that moment that he finally realized what he’d been doing to her ever since Liam had passed away. He finally understood the choice she’d been forced to make that night. And he knew - he knew that despite it all - he could never live with himself if he’d chosen anyone but her. That he couldn’t let her go just like she didn’t with him.

The only thing that saved him was Boothe. In the moments that passed after August arrived, while the two of them tried to wrestle the gun away from Jefferson, he felt the weight of Liam’s death wash over him. And then he heard a shot ring out and there was nothing but panic. Panic and guilt.

It felt as though ages had passed as he searched for Emma in the smoke filled room. The SWAT team had moved in at some point, but he’d been too focused on fighting off Jefferson to notice. He pushed through the sting in his eyes and the tightness of his chest as he looked for her, but all he saw through the haze were armored cops everywhere.

It wasn’t until he was forcibly escorted outside the building that he saw her, saw that she was safe, and then his stomach turned. He ran around a corner away from all of the prying eyes, and for the first time in his career, he gave in and let the night overcome him.

It’s been nearly a year since that night and he’s been running ever since. Some days are better than others. The anger is mostly behind him, but some nights he still wakes up in a sweat clutching his bed sheets, ready to fight. But there’s never anyone around to take a swing at, because he’s all alone. He’s pushed away anyone that ever mattered and isolated himself on that damn boat.

He thinks of Emma, wonders if she’s moved on or not. He’s too cowardly to call her, partly because he has no idea what he will say if she answers, but mostly because he’s terrified that she won’t answer. So he broods. He takes to the local bars as he sails the coastline and drinks a little too much before stumbling back to Liam’s boat alone. It’s a wonder nobody’s robbed him yet for what a careless sot he’s been.

Tonight is one of those nights. He’s made his way down to Florida and back, only a few hours away from Boston, and his demons are screaming again. He’s hoping against all hope that the rum in the tumbler across from him will help quiet them. Just holding the small glass in his fingertips helps a bit. A placebo of sorts. He doesn’t want to be this man anymore though. This pathetic lonely human. He doesn’t want to feel this way anymore, but he doesn’t know how to fix it. Archie said that him realizing it was a good first step but he’s not sure if he agrees. He’s called Archie a lot over the last year. Somehow doing therapy over the phone as the boat sways back and forth under his feet has helped to ease his hesitancy. There’s something about knowing that he can hang up at any time if he wants, and that no one knows. No one will judge him.

They don’t talk about Emma, not in present tense at least. They’ve had conversations about the way he’s treated her in the past, about his complicated feelings for her, the way it’s all shaped him, but they never talk about her now. He’s not sure if it’s because Archie doesn’t know if he’s ready for that, or if Archie knows something that he’s absolutely not ready for.

Archie is here tonight though, the rum is.

He’s still twirling the amber in his hand as he hears the familiar scraping of a nearby barstool against a wooden floor. There’s a scent that follows, a floral perfume that doesn’t match with the musk of the dive bar. He doesn’t look at her directly, doesn’t need to when he can see her from the mirror behind the bar. Her top is low, flashing more skin that it’s covering. She’s closer than he thought.

“Is that for me?” She’s bold.

He’s reminded of those early days on the force, when he wouldn’t even have to talk to a woman. When he could just flash her a smile and she’d be on his arm heading out the door to her place. He’s not that guy though, he’s salty and cynical, and the look he flashes her is closer to a smirk.

“Excuse me?” “Well, you’ve been toying with it for almost twenty minutes. I just thought maybe you were waiting for me to walk into your life.”

Was he this bad at picking up women?

“Look, I’m not trying to be rude, but I’m not in the mood for woman.” “So you’re gay?”

It’s a good thing he hasn’t started drinking yet because he damn well might have chocked otherwise. He doesn’t get a chance to respond though. The bubbly blonde that served him his rum has returned with a spray bottle in hand. “Mary of Mothers. Didn’t I already have you escorted out of here tonight, Teresa?”

“Bite me, Tinkerbelle.”

The girl behind the bar might be all of five foot tall but there’s a beast inside her that towers over any man in that bar and before he knows what’s happening the bartender is drowning the girl in what smells like stainless steel cleaner and the words coming out of her mouth would make any Navy man blush.

The girl ends up running away and Killian isn’t sure what to make of any of it. He’s broken up bar fights before, but he’s never seen anything quite like that.

“Sorry about that. I know this little bar might not seem like much, but it’s all I’ve got and I’ll be damned if I let the likes of her selling her body in here.” “Oh, she wasn’t-” “Trust me, where you had agreed upfront or not, you would have been light whatever cash you have left in that wallet before the night was up. And I’ll bet you dollars to pennies you would have had a lovely little itch or two down there.” She nods her head towards his crotch before switching the subject like she hadn’t just implied the poor woman from before was an STD ridden whore. “So, I haven’t seen you here before. Where you from?”

He’s not sure how she’s disarmed him so quickly, but he finds himself telling her all about himself over the next hour. Business has slowed down and her other barmate seems to be more than capable of handling the few strays still walking in.

She makes him laugh too with her feisty spirit. It’s been far too long since he’s felt at ease like this. They talk and talk. Not about much in particular, just random conversation. She bought the bar about six years ago, and tells him about how it’s let her build the family she always wanted and never really got. She’s carved out her own little place in the world and he envies her that. The way she can just lay her whole life bare to a complete stranger while he can’t even talk to the people that know him best.

The night rolls on and it’s time to close up. He half expects that she’s going to invite him upstairs, to the little apartment she mentioned earlier, but she surprises him. She’s done that a few times tonight, but this one hits him in the gut. “So, what’s her name?”

This time he actually does chock on the water she’s poured for him.” “I’m sorry, what?”

“Killian, in the last few hours, you’ve told me your entire life story, everything from your shitty father to your arrogant brother, your job, your leave of absence, but you haven’t mentioned a girl one single time. You’re holding back, which means there’s something to hold back.”

“You don’t know that. I could be gay.” “Um, ya, I saw you check out Teresa’s rack earlier, definitely not gay. So what’s the deal.” He doesn’t want to talk about it, but he doesn’t want to be rude either. So he gives her as little as possible, but she sees through him. In fact, she actually asks him what the hell he’s waiting for as she pushes him out the door.

He doesn’t really know what he’s waiting for to be honest. He’s wanted to go back to Boston, but there’s just so many threads he left unravelled when he left.

[missmonsters2]

Taste of Candy

Requester: @thatgirlwholikesgirls 💘

Pairing: Wanda Maximoff x fem!reader/OFC

Prompt: Kiss me again, like you mean it.

Note: You heard the girl, kiss wanda again like u fuckin mean it. God, I kind of want to do a series for this? Like in full detail of their adventures. (Also dw bby i have your other request in the queue too)

Warnings: screaming? Fangirling? Crying?

Genre: Fluff

Count: 3438

⊶⊷⊶⊷⊶⊷⋆⊶⊷⊶⊷⊶⊷

It starts with an umbrella and sour cola candies.

If there's one thing that Wanda can say with certainty is that she hates the small town she lives in. She hates her conservative parents, who are both lawyers. She hates that they only expect her to win, and if she isn't winning, then she isn't anything.

So, she was the student council president, the cheer captain, and they're naming her prom queen right now in her senior year.

She's got the hottest and most popular guy as her boyfriend and prom king, and even though he's a kind of an annoying know-it-all, he likes her.

It's supposed to be the best night of her life. This was supposed to be everything she wanted. Her parents were proud of Wanda because, after this, she's supposed to get married to Vision and be a housewife like her mom.

That's supposed to be her happily ever after.

So, why is it that while prom is ending, she's sitting outside on the bleachers in the rain crying?

And when she feels the rain stop pelting her on the head, she looks up. It’s you.

She’s never talked to you during all the entire years of high school because you’re not popular.

You’re not unpopular, either, but she can’t be friends with people who aren’t popular. People say you’re kind of weird as you don’t conform to any social norms or expectations, but you’re nice and smart, always willing to let people copy your homework, so they don’t bully you either. 

And you’re always eating sour cola candies.

You’re standing with her on the bleachers, coincidentally close enough that she’s under your umbrella. You’re not even looking at her as you offer her a bag of those sour fucking cola candies. 

Wanda can’t help but snort because it’s prom, and you’re not even wearing a prom dress. Just there in your ripped jeans, shirt, and a leather jacket.

“Get lost,” Wanda sneers in her mean popular girl voice because she doesn’t need you here while she’s fucking having a breakdown. 

But all she gets is a yawn as you sit down next to her, making sure she’s under your umbrella as you shove the bag of candy more obnoxiously towards her. 

Unsure what else to really do, Wanda reaches in the bag and pulls out a piece of candy, putting it in her mouth. 

It’s way too sweet, Wanda thinks. The first bite makes her jaw tingle as saliva rushes to her mouth due to the sourness.

But she likes the sweet aftertaste when all the sourness is gone. 

And for the moment, she’s not crying. 

The two of you sit in silence, watching the empty field as it continues to rain. 

“Aren’t you going to ask why I’m out here and crying?” Wanda asks, not looking at you still. After all, she’s the most popular girl in high school, wouldn’t this be the most amazing news to spread.

“No,” you quietly reply, popping another candy in your mouth. Wanda thinks your voice is soft, not at all how she thought you’d sound (which is gruff for how you look). 

“Why? Aren’t you curious about why the student council president, cheer captain, and prom queen is out here crying on what’s supposed to be the best night of her life?”

You hum, “Don’t care.”

Wanda’s jaw drops a little. 

“Well--what--why are you here then?” Wanda demands as she half-sputters in disbelief. 

Wanda watches as you lull your head side-to-side and can’t help but agree with people you’re weird. 

“Well, you were crying, and you were getting wet. I have an umbrella, and I have candy. You’re under my umbrella, so you’re not getting wet anymore. You ate a piece of candy, and you stopped crying. So, your reason doesn’t really matter anymore,” you reason with her, but that doesn’t really explain to Wanda why, but she suspects that within your answer, you really meant to say there was no particular reason. You saw she was crying and getting soaked, and you had the means to stop it. So, you did.

“But,” you continue, dragging Wanda out of her thoughts, “I have other things to do that I can’t put off anymore, so...”

Wanda sighs, not expecting the slight disappointment that you had to go. She’s not even sure she understands this entire interaction. 

But suddenly, you’re shoving your umbrella in her hand, dumping the candy in her lap, before you take off your leather jacket and putting it around her shoulders. You get out into the rain, letting yourself get soaked. 

And for a moment, Wanda has a passing thought that you’re beautiful.

“That’s my favorite candy and last bag, so stop crying,” you tell her, but then pause.

“Pretty girls shouldn’t cry in the rain,” you finally say as if to soften your command of her to stop her tears.

And then you’re gone.

⊶⊷⊶⊷⊶⊷⋆⊶⊷⊶⊷⊶⊷

Prom ends without any further incidents, and after drying herself off in the washroom, she goes back to her friends who didn’t even notice she was missing, and her boyfriend, who only had a mild concern about the leather jacket and candy she brought back.

Wanda can’t explain why she didn’t share one piece of candy with anyone who asked.

And then school starts again, and she sees you in the halls, but you don’t even look at her.

It’s like you don’t even remember being out in the bleachers with her while she cried.

And somehow, with everything else in her life, it makes her feel worse. Graduation day comes, and Wanda can’t help but feel like the end of her life is coming closer.

She’s valedictorian, and she’s giving her speech, looking in the crowd only to realize you didn’t even fucking show up to graduation. 

Wanda has her diploma in hand, her parents take two photos with her before they flitter off to network with other people. Her boyfriend is fooling around with his friends as they take pictures and throw their football around for one last time.

And Wanda...Wanda just feels like the world is closing up on her as she stands there frozen.

But then a bag of sour cola candies comes into her view. Stunned, she looks past the bag to see you again. 

Perhaps because Wanda stands there too long without doing anything, you end up taking her empty hand out, dumping a couple candies into it. Without saying anything else, you turn to leave.

“Wait--” Wanda softly calls out, and you turn back with a brow raised.

“I’m not giving you the whole bag this time,” you frown slightly.

Wanda ignores the comment, even the little sting that you won’t give her the entire bag like last time, but maybe there are rules to getting an entire candy bag from you.

“Why are you here? You didn’t show up to walk the stage,” Wanda asks instead. She’s not even sure what she wanted to ask in the first place when said asked you to wait.

“I’m not interested in walking the stage, but I want my diploma,” you say, waving the piece of paper slightly around to show Wanda in your other hand.

“Why?” Wanda emphasizes because everyone else doesn’t care about a stupid flimsy piece of paper that said they’ve graduated from high school. They just want to walk the stage in front of their peers. 

You tilt your head, holding it up better for Wanda to see.

“The font is hilariously terrible. I wanted a copy to remember.”

The reason is so stupid, Wanda thinks, but she can’t help the chortle that comes out because it’s true, the font is awful.

Wanda finds you staring at her and clears her throat from the laughter. 

“So?” Wanda asks, “Now what for you?” 

You lick your lips, an action that Wanda thinks she was entirely too fixated on, and then nod your head outside the arena. It’s a clear sign for Wanda to follow you.

At first, she hesitates because she really shouldn’t leave the arena when her parents are bound to come back soon. But then you shake your bag of candies like you’re fucking trying to lure her out with you and Wanda makes the split decision to go.

She goes outside and sees your car out in the front. A well-kept convertible Mercedes Benz that you didn’t have before. 

“Nice car, how’d you get it?” Wanda asks, inspecting the rest of the car and finds a suitcase in the back.

“I won it in a street race,” you say so offhandedly even though Wanda whips her head towards you. You don’t offer any other explanation, though.

“What--when did you even--” Wanda doesn’t even know what to ask. Should she ask why you were street racing? Where? How did you even know?

“Prom,” is all you offer, and Wanda is in disbelief you left her because you were going to go street race.

“Okay,” Wanda breathes, “So, where are you going?” 

She saw the suitcase. 

So, you’re getting out of this shitty small town, and Wanda can’t help the stab of envy that comes.

Maybe it’s a university far away that you’re going to. University that Wanda didn’t even get a chance to apply to.

Because she has to go back.

Wanda’s going to get married and then follow the footsteps of her mother.

“Anywhere,” you say, looking at Wanda seriously. 

“You don’t have a plan?” Wanda can’t help the shallow laughter. 

“Sometimes having no plan is the plan,” you say.

“That’s stupid,” Wanda says hollowly.

“It’s better than following a plan you don’t want,” You comment, and Wanda whips her head to look at you.

“Excuse me?” The mean popular girl tone comes out.

“What now for you?” You ask, ignoring Wanda. 

Wanda doesn’t answer because everyone in this stupid small town knows what her plan is. 

And she wants to scream. 

“Come with me.”

The words hit Wanda like a freight train, and she’s staring at you as if you sprouted three heads.

“What--no, why would I--”

“You know, for the 4 years I’ve known you, all you’ve ever shown was that you were the top of the hierarchy gunning for prom queen like it was the only thing that existed in the world. And then the night you were crowned, you were crying on the bleachers. Now you’re here, graduating, and you look like you’re going to vomit.”

Wanda flares because she’s well aware of that night. Like something ugly spilled over and now won’t stop spilling.

“What would you know--” 

“It’s okay to want more than what’s planned for you.”

The words make Wanda breathless. 

Because maybe that’s the deep-rooted secret Wanda has been carrying underneath the perfect girl her parents groomed her to be.

But...

“I can’t,” Wanda’s voice cracks. 

Because this is all she’s ever known is everything that’s in front of her. How could she turn back, abandoned everything she’s done so far to get here? Her parents would never speak to her again. 

And so, Wanda turns around and goes back into the stadium, leaving behind a possibility of what could’ve been.

⊶⊷⊶⊷⊶⊷⋆⊶⊷⊶⊷⊶⊷

That night, Wanda’s family hosts a dinner with Vision and his parents. Everyone’s laughing and enjoying themselves. Her brother is joking around with Vision, and their moms are already talking about wedding plans.

It’s just so overwhelming. 

They’re talking about coral flowers, white tablecloths, and being in a church.

They talk about Vision going to Harvard and taking over his father’s company. They talk about how Wanda’s going to have the cutest children, and it’s making her stomach churn.

She feigns sickness and excuses herself for the rest of the night to go to her room. 

It’s probably hours that pass, and the house is dead silent, signaling everyone has gone to bed.

She lays in the dark, facing the ceiling with her hands folded gently together over her stomach. 

And then she hears something hit her window gently.

Tap tap

Wanda gets up, walking over to the window and looks out confused. She sees you standing there, convertible parked out in the front, and throw pebbles at her window.

She opens it and hisses, “What the hell are you doing here?”

Wanda already said no to you. Why would you come again?

“I came to get my leather jacket,” you say, blinking. 

And it occurs to Wanda she never gave back your jacket from the night in the rain. 

She huffs, stalking back in to grab the clothing before appearing again at the window and throwing it down to you.

You catch it with ease and look back up at her.

“Wanda,” you call softly, garnering her attention, “come with me.”

She frowns.

But instead of no, she asks, “Why?”

And it’s quiet, and Wanda thinks it was dumb to ask because there’s no reason she needs to go and leave the life she has now.

“Wanda, you’re always going to be more than this small town. You don’t belong here.”

And Wanda left breathless again by you. It’s like the words ring in her ear and make it to her heart because maybe that’s what she wanted someone to confirm all along.

Of course, she wants more, but is she enough for more?

And then you pull out a bag of candy from your jacket pocket and offer it to her. 

And suddenly, Wanda turns back into her room, grabbing her small suitcase and shoving in all her clothes and belongings she’ll need. She pulls all the cash she has and her passport and then sneaks out the front door. 

It’s insane, she thinks as you take her suitcase and throw it in the back. 

It’s doesn’t make any sense at all as she gets into the car with you, someone she’s never really even spoken to, and watches her house get smaller in the side mirror. 

It’s a little scary, and she’s worried that her family will absolutely lose their shit.

But she doesn’t know how to explain the absolute fucking euphoria that’s spreading through her when she sees the sign they’re leaving their small town.

⊶⊷⊶⊷⊶⊷⋆⊶⊷⊶⊷⊶⊷

Months pass. 

Her parents did immediately freak out when she was gone. All she had sent was a simple text to Pietro that was she doesn’t want to get married to Vision and become a housewife. She wants more. 

And her parents won’t even talk to her and don’t want her to come home anymore, and while it had gutted her and took her months to get over, she was still happier out here.

Wanda feels the wind in her hair, a feeling she thinks she can’t live without now and looks over to you subtly. 

You’ve got your sunglasses on and playing the same song the two of you have been listening to for weeks now, and she thinks back to everything.

You’ve taken her to so many places now. 

She’s been to Washington to California, Arizona to Texas, Florida to New York, and now they’re on their way to the airport to go live in Hawaii for a little while. 

When going state to state, the two of you always picked up jobs here and there, saving up cash for your next trip, and Wanda’s just never felt so free.

She’s never laughed like she has now, sang like does in the morning, joke around with anyone like she does with you. 

Wanda’s not sure what any of it means. 

But sometimes, she’ll put her hand on the shift stick and likes when you place your hand over hers.

⊶⊷⊶⊷⊶⊷⋆⊶⊷⊶⊷⊶⊷

They’ve been in Hawaii for 2 weeks now, and Wanda thinks she likes Hawaii the best out of all the places they’ve traveled to.

It’s a wonderful vacation spot, and she loves living on the beach every day. 

The two of you are working at a hotel, and Wanda managed to get off earlier than you. Tonight, they’re hosting a luau and Wanda’s sitting on the beach again with a paper and pen.

She’s been working on her admission letter to Princeton with your encouragement. 

“Hey,” Wanda hears and looks up to see you in one of those ugly Hawaiian shirts that you claim will be all the rage in a few years.

You take a seat right next to Wanda, your shoulder bumping gently as you sit down, and hand her a drink in a pineapple cup.

Wanda hums happily, seeing the tiny umbrella and takes a sip from the straw. 

“How’s your admission letter going?” You ask with your sour cola candy bag. 

Wanda doesn’t understand how you can eat them so often. She really stopped having them after that night you whisked her away in your car. Wanda doesn’t like the sour part even if she likes the sweet aftertaste.

“Going,” Wanda sighs. There’s so much she can write about, but it just seems like word vomit on paper at this point.

“You’re doing wonderfully, it’ll be amazing,” you reassure her with an ease that makes Wanda’s heart flutter. She doesn’t understand how you always seem to say the words she wants to hear. 

Wanda sets the paper down, holding it down with a pile of sand on top as she resigns to just enjoy the rest of the night with you. 

The breeze feels good against her skin, and she loves hearing the sounds of the waves against the shore. 

She’s sipping her drink and leaning her head on your shoulder as she listens to the music of the luau in the background. 

Suddenly, she feels you fiddling something in her hair. Her hand comes up to feel a flower resting against her ear. She pulls out her phone to see a red and yellow hibiscus in her hair. You’re looking to the side as you chew on your candies, and Wanda smiles.

“Where’d you get it?” Wanda asks, resuming lying on your shoulder.

“I saw it in Mr. Kahale’s backyard. I thought it would look pretty on you, so I asked him for one,” You explain as you look back at her.

“And he gave you one?” Wanda asked in a surprised tone. Mr. Kahale was known for being stingy with his flowers.

“No, so then I took it when he wasn’t looking,” you grin as Wanda slaps your arm with a laugh.

“He’s going to notice, you know,” Wanda tells you, and you shrug.

“I’m sure he’ll forgive me like the last 7 times.”

And suddenly, Wanda feels a wet drop on her cheek. It starts to drizzle, not enough to cancel the luau, but she can see people in the distance, making their way back to find shelter.

She hasn’t been in the rain since the night on the bleachers. Wanda straightens herself and looks up at the rain. 

“This sure brings back memories, doesn’t it?” Wanda laughs a little, and she sees you looking up as well, the finished bag of candy forgotten. 

“You must’ve thought I was crazy crying out in the bleachers,” Wanda comments offhandedly.

“Not at all,” You say, looking over to Wanda, getting her to look at you too.

Wanda snorts. “Alright, what really made you come over to a girl crying in the rain.”

Even after all this time, Wanda still can’t believe you came over for the sake of coming over.

You sit up, brushing your hands to get the wet sand off.

“Same reason. Pretty girls shouldn’t cry in the rain,” you smile, and Wanda laughs again.

“Alright, what do pretty girls do in the rain?”

You lick your lips, and Wanda suddenly has that feeling she’s been often getting when she’s with you. 

“They get kissed,” you lean over and press your lips softly to Wanda. 

All Wanda can taste is the sour cola candies, but she’s getting the best part of it, the sweet aftertaste. It’s soft and quick. But it’s still better than any kiss she’s ever gotten from the boys she’s dated.

It makes her skin hum, and her stomach explodes with butterflies. It makes her sigh when you part from her.

Her head is swirling, and she opens her eyes to see yours staring back at her so seriously.

It’s too quick, Wanda decides. 

“Kiss me again,” she husks, “like you mean it.”

And when your lips descend on hers again, Wanda decides that she likes the candy as long as she can taste it like this.

And as long as Wanda gets her way, she’ll be the only pretty girl you’ll ever kiss again.

[ashintheairlikesnow]

Whumptober Day 16: Hallucinations

CW: BIG references to parental death/grief after losing parents (seriously, if that’s a thing for you that you can’t handle, you will not want to read to the end of this). Solitary/isolation torture, auditory and tactile hallucinations, panic/anxiety, whump of a minor, emotional breakdown, reference to self-injury, reference to severe head-banging episode/negative stimming resulting in injury

Count to ten, Tris! One… two...

Her voice is so loud he jumps, but when he looks to the left, nothing’s there. Just the white walls, plain and featureless, white tiles that were smooth under his fingertips back when he was allowed to touch them. 

Everything is cold, and the boy has been shivering for so long that his muscles ache from the constant tense-and-release, tense-and-release, struggling to keep him warm. Everything aches, and the cold isn’t the only reason his muscles keep tightening up around his bones, threatening to snap them apart under the pressure. The thick collar that digs and rubs into the skin of his throat is why, too.

Chilled air comes from somewhere above him, just like the flat, featureless white light. It prickles at his skin, that light, lays along with palpable weight. He can’t shake it, there’s nowhere dark or warm to escape to. Now that they’ve taken his hands away, he can’t even bury his head in his arms to find some thin sliver of softness.

No, all that’s here is hard heavy light, and air that gives him goosebumps and makes him shake, and he would draw his fingers over the little bump on his arms but he can’t do that anymore.

Three… four… five…

There’s a little-boy voice counting along with her voice now, and he hums, trying to drown it out, but the counting keeps going. He can’t stop it because it’s not a real sound, it’s not, but if it were…

If she were alive, he’d play hide-and-seek with her again, even though he’s almost grown, he should have been a junior this year if he wasn’t stuck with Aunt Jo, if she hadn’t pulled him out of school, if he was-

If she were here-

He’d play, again, if he had the chance.

He hums, hums, hums, but he can’t drown her out.

Six… seven… eight…

He rocks forward as far as he can, and back, but it’s not enough. It doesn’t help. He needs to move, to touch things, to exist in the world and he isn’t allowed, not until he signs. He doesn’t want to sign but until he signs, he’s in here, alone.

He’s going to-... he’s going crazy maybe. Is that why he can hear her? Jo thinks he’s already crazy, you’re all crazy she says, and worse than that, but he’s not, there’s a word for his brain, there’s a word that isn’t crazy-

He can’t remember it. He’s too tired. The word slips through his fingertips and slides off his tongue and away even as his mouth keeps fighting to form the ‘aw’ sound.

The light is so heavy and he wants to sleep so much but he has to sign, to sleep.

The light is so heavy… 

He groans, straightening his fingers, trying desperately to stretch the muscles in the palms of his hands where his wrists cross at the small of his back. Locked into place by thick metal cuffs, they only make the cold worse. 

He did this to himself, the man in the black uniform said. He wouldn’t sign his contract, which means he has to stay here until he changes his mind, but staying here is - it’s horrible, and he doesn’t want his, he couldn’t ever have wanted this.

He’s losing his mind, isn’t he?

Wait, did he think that already-

He already thought about being crazy, he is thinking in circles and loops and his thoughts crash and spark and smoke against each other, wreckage he can’t remember how to overcome. He used to think like this, when it was too loud too hot too cold too bright too many people too much. 

There’s nothing here, but he knows now that nothing is just as bad as too much.

Ready or not, here I come!

The sound of footsteps, moving quick from one side of the room to the other with a soft burst of a woman’s laughter and he flinches, rattling the pole his shock collar is attached to, the one that locks him into the floor. He pulls too far to the one side and feels the sudden pop of sensors against his skin just before he lights up in pain.

Tristan’s back arcs in a nearly perfect bow as the agonizing current overtakes him, pulling as far as the pole will let him, and he screams. The scream is swallowed by the walls - they’ve eaten so many of his screams by now - and by the time he collapses forwards, slumped, with his arms jerking and twitching without his consent, the scream is gone.

Back to harsh white light and a silence broken only by his whimpering breathing. Tristan’s sore throat - each swallow is like trying to swallow around shards of glass - is all the evidence left that he ever made any noise at all.

His lip stings - he tongues at it and finds he’s bitten it open again, the coppery-sweet-salt taste of blood on his tongue.

Tristan hasn’t had food that tastes like anything in days. The blood, at least, has a taste. 

He presses into the split with his top teeth, encourages it to open even more. 

They tried to take his blood away from him already, when he made there be color - be something - on the walls. He imagines he can still see the smears of red, can still trace the movements of his own fingertips as he painted there, the pressed color he pulled out of his own body and ruined, however briefly, the pristine nothing white. 

He made it be something, anything, any fucking thing at all.

The red had been bright, and then faded to brown before they found him, still bashing his head into the wall to make more red for the walls, to calm the shrieking chaos inside of him. To soothe the pain caused by the endless bright white light and his fear.

They found him hitting his head, moaning, low rhythmic noises deep in his throat like he used to do on his worst days, only this is worse than all of those days combined. They found him with blood smeared over his whole face from his hands, slapping his palms into the wall, speech forgotten and buried under the buzz in his brain.

They dragged him to the clinic, and did scans of his head, and whatever they found, they put him right back here in the end.

Now there’s a pole hooked to his collar that keeps him away from the walls and the floor, and they forced his hands behind his back so he can’t hurt himself, and he can’t make blood to bring color to the walls anymore. There’s a bandage on the side of his head, and it hurts but it doesn’t bleed anymore.

He wants the blood back.

There’s a needle in his arm feeding him something clear from a bag hung on the wall. He thinks the bag is why they never bring him water. He thinks the bag is why he feels woozy and strangely slow, too, why he can’t seem to get worked up enough to have a really bad day again.

He starts laughing, choked-off, and it’s nothing like his real laughter but it’s a sound, and a sound is something. But it doesn’t drown her out.

Even though she isn’t really here.

Tris? Baby? Are you in the-... where are you hiding? I give up, baby, can you come out, please?

“I’m, I’m trying,” He whispers, and his voice is raspy, hoarse. He can hear her, foggy and soft but so present, she sounds like she’s right there. If he can just see past the light, he could see her, waiting for him. Or trying to find him. If he could just see...

But it’s just him, alone in the room. She’s not trying to find him. She’s dead.

His head hurts.

His heart hurts. Hollowed out in his chest, empty and cold and full of the way she was in the world, took up space and stood between him and everything else, and now she doesn’t and it’s all his fault. Now he’s here, where he can’t even go see the place where she and his father are resting. He can’t.

He can’t get them back.

He moved when he was supposed to stay still.

You have to be good or you’ll be hurt-

Wait, no, that’s what the man in the black uniform says, not his parents. They didn’t say-... did they? Did she tell him that? No. No, man in the-... in the uniform…

He shudders, and his collar pops in anticipation, but he doesn’t pull enough to any side to set it off. His shoulders shake and he wonders if he’s trying to cry. He can’t remember.

He is full of pieces of her but she’s gone, and his father is gone, and it’s not fair, but now he’s here and is it-... is it because of what happened? Is this punishment for moving when he should have been still?

He came out of his hiding place and he just wanted her to hold him and then the red on the walls and the police sirens found him with red on his hands and his dad had lived long enough to tell them, to say what happened, that it wasn’t Tristan’s fault-

But it was.

Is this… prison? Did they put him here because he killed his parents? There wasn’t a trial. The cops said it wasn’t his fault. The doctors said it wasn’t his fault. But maybe they had a trial and nobody told him.

Did he really ask them to bring them here, like they keep saying he did? He can’t remember anymore. He had dinner with Jo and then woke up here, and there was already a needle in his arm, and…

Does he deserve this, for being the reason they died?

Baby, you scared the shit out of me! I thought you’d figured out how to unlock the door or something!

“C-can’t, Mom, you, you, you need a, a key, they h-have the key and I-I-I don’t h-have my hands.” His lips are chapped and rasp against each other when they move, the blood rubbing over his bottom lip, and he flicks his dry tongue out to wet it on the bleeding spot on his lip again. He rocks, he rocks too far and cries out as the collar goes off again, forcing him to settle back and be still.

It hurts, it hurts so much, but he has to be still or it will hurt much, much worse.

Tris...

He can’t find her - she’s here, somewhere, inside the nothing-room the nothing-walls the nothing-light, but he can’t see her. She’s dead but she’s here. She’s here and she’s not angry at him, she’s playing hide-and-seek. He hid in the closet, behind her dresses, and she couldn’t see him at first and Tristan knew how to be quiet for games, and he was so very still in the closet, and then she found him and held him up in her arms, a heavy weight on her hip, you might be six years old but I can still carry you, little boy.

His breath catches in his throat.

Don’t scare Mommy like that, baby. Please, please don’t scare Mommy like that.

His eyelids are so heavy, and he keeps slumping forward, but everytime he touches the ground his shock collar goes off and if he goes too far left or right the shock collar goes off and he’s going to die in here, he knows it. He’s going to die and he doesn’t even care anymore, he’s not even scared of it.

At least he could see them, if he died. Right? He could see them again? Don’t people see the people they love right before they die, didn’t he see that somewhere on television? Maybe, maybe he could see them?

Fingertips graze over his cheeks, warm. He can almost smell her perfume, powdery. It’s called Green Tea and she buys it-

He hitches breath again, and sobs, this time.

She bought it every year at the store in the mall on sale, when they put out Christmas gift baskets. She bought that perfume in boxes with other perfumes kind of like it, and let him smell them and pick his favorite ones. He put up with the weight of the noise, even though later he would go home and rock and rock and rock it out, because the noise made her happy, and he loved her happy.

He liked her perfume. It smelled like her.

She’s never going to buy perfume again. Jo probably-... Jo probably threw out the bottle Tris kept to spray on his pillow sometimes after he had to move in with her, and it will smell like perfume in the trash for a while, it will smell like his mom, and then all the bottles will be gone and it’s like she was never there and if she was never there, does that mean-

Is Tristan gone, too?

Is he not real, now, if she isn’t real anymore?

Oh, Tris, honey, what are we going to do?

“D-don’t know, Mom, I don’t-... I don’t know.” He coughs, something feels loose in his lungs and that seems bad. But he can’t feel anything, and everything he can feel is so heightened. In the silent room he can nearly hear the soft rush of blood in his veins, the way his organs are working even though they have nothing to digest. 

He can hear her.

I missed you during your nap, bud! You don’t usually take afternoon naps anymore. Did you have good dreams?

“No.” The word comes out a whimper, a word he isn’t supposed to say anymore, the man he kicked - who put him in here until he’s ready to sign the paper and belong to them and make this all stop - told him he isn’t allowed to say ever again. 

No isn’t an option for him anymore, the man said. His options are to be good or get hurt, and he doesn’t know what that means, but, but he’s so scared, and it hurts so much being in here alone. “No, Mom, I’m, I’m, I’m… I’m not, not, not-not okay, I d-didn’t, I can’t, can’t dream anymore, can’t sleep, Mom, please, they, they they they won’t let me, me, me-me-me sleep-”

Oh, Tris. Oh, baby boy. Her voice is low, right next to him. He feels her fingers run through his hair, pressing the coppery strands, now dirty and oily, back from his forehead. The softest press of lips against his forehead, like when he had a fever, when he had to stay home sick from school. Tears burn hot in his eyes and fall down his cheeks, and he sobs, brokenly, hunched and with all his muscles burning and aching from the cold, the shocks, the hunger, the exhaustion, the pain. He cries, in childish wailing sobs, and she doesn’t hear him, because she isn’t really here.

“M-Mom, I, I, I just-... Mom-”

He’s so fucking tired, and he just wants her to stop being dead and play hide-and-seek with him and then, just one more time, hold him until he falls asleep. 

Just one more time.

Just one more-

You’re still my baby, you know, even though you insist on growing up. 

I, I, I am not, I am not-

Yes you are. Listen, you’re my baby forever.

Mom, I’m, I’m almost sixteen-

Excuse me, Tris, you are fifteen and seven months and don’t think I don’t know to the minute. Love you, buddy.

“I, I, I love you, too, Mom.”

---

Tagging: @burtlederp , @finder-of-rings , @endless-whump , @whumpfigure , @slaintetowhump , @astrobly, @newandfiguringitout , @doveotions , @pretty-face-breaker , @boxboysandotherwhump , @oops-its-whump @moose-teeth , @cubeswhump , @cupcakes-and-pain @whump-tr0pes

[rose-blooms-red]

carlycrays replied to your post “Sup yall it's me back at it again with the jumpy...”

Star Wars: Rex gets poisoned by plant on mission and Ahsoka and Anakin don't know what to do. Can be as serious or funny as you want.

I used this prompt as a distraction yesterday so it did end up being more serious. But thank you so much for the prompt! 

(Read on Ao3)

It starts out slow, little, nothing to worry about as they make the trek across the planet.

Little things, tiny things that he brushes off as inconsequential and nothing to worry about. 

Tiny pricks of pain he shrugs off. The way his vision grows hazier around the edges as they march on that he convinces himself is just exhaustion. He tells himself that it’s nothing, that all he needs is to get through this march and make it to a spot where they can set up base and then he can rest and he’ll be fine. 

But as they go on it starts to build more, his chest goes tight and the breaths he draws are ragged. It takes far more effort than it should to keep himself from panting. But he sets it to the side, thinks that it must just be the combination of exhaustion and how far they’ve marched, how many droids they have had to fight between their drop zone and their goal as the wilderness deprives them of a good place to rest without worry. 

He doesn’t notice the shaking though, not until he stumbles and Commander Tano catches him.

“Rex?” She asks, and she sounds scared, he tries to stand and reassure her, can’t manage it. His body feels leaden and his tongue numb, his mind slow and hazy.

“C’mander?” He tries to say, but it comes out more like a question. 

“Master!” Someone—the Commander he thinks—cries out, and she sounds frantic now. There’s a steady buzz in his ear, he can’t tell if it’s in his head or if the Commander is doing the babbling thing she does when she’s nervous and scared.

“S’okay.” He says, thinks he manages to say it out loud, tries to reassure her.

“Captain” he hears, distant to his foggy head but the sound of a brother, even and controlled in the way only a medic can be. He thinks it’s Kix, is confused why he’s here with Rex when he’s needed elsewhere.

“They’ve got things handled sir, now I need you to open your eyes and look at me.” Rex frowns, he hadn’t realized he’d shut them. He forces them open, and it feels like it takes more of his strength than it should, the world is blurry and he breathes in deep, chokes on it, coughs.

Kix does something that Rex doesn’t catch and the last thing he remembers for a long while is the sound of multiple voices speaking over each other, the cadence of increasingly frantic speech growing louder, before he drifts off.

__________

Something pings at the back of Ahsoka’s mind around the halfway point of their march. Just the sense of something slightly out of place that she can’t put her finger on. She doesn’t have much time to figure it out either, as they march through the planet's vegetation and do their best to avoid the droids.

They are not successful in avoiding them, but they don’t lose many men to them either, so Ahsoka is willing to count that as a win. The vegetation and the fact they have yet to be able to find a good spot to rest is more dangerous than anything else right now, Ahsoka knows. 

She shakes it off, ignores it in favour of focusing on getting her men to someplace they can rest. It works, until the pinging grows more insistent and then suddenly Rex is stumbling against her and the feeling thrusts itself to the forefront of her mind, the Force shouting warning at her as she steadies the Captain.

“Rex?” She asks, because Rex doesn’t stumble, and the hum of the Force is insistent and the way Rex is swaying is scaring her, the fact she can hear the effort it takes for him to breathe terrifying.

“C’mander?” He asks, and she feels her heart pounding in her chest as she reaches out with the Force, tries to see what’s wrong despite the fact that it has never been her strong suit. Barriss has always been better at healing and Ahsoka wishes, not for the first time, that she had Barriss’s inclination towards it, her skill at it.

She tries to breathe through her panic, there is something wrong about Rex’s signature, something draining away at him and flowing through his body that doesn’t belong.

She steadies Rex as best as she can as he slips down and holds his head in her lap, pouring everything she has into keeping his heart beating as she frantically calls out “Master!”.

It takes too long for Master Skywalker to get there, she feels like she’s waiting ages that Rex does not have as she waits for Skyguy to make it to them. She thinks she might be shaking, knows that Rex is. Rex is trembling in her arms and panting and she scrambles to get his helmet off. 

“S’okay” Rex mumbles and she grips tight onto his arm, because it really isn’t. 

She looks up as Skyguy and starts talking as soon as she thinks he can hear her.

“I can’t get it to stop, I don’t know what it is but he was fine and then he wasn’t. I don’t know what to do. Where’s Kix I—” She cuts herself off, breathes, tries not to cry or breakdown. Knows she’s babbling but can’t help it.

Master Skywalker’s grip is tight and grounding around her arm, “Breath Little one, Kix is right here okay?”

She breathes, tries to steady herself, as Kix takes Rex’s vitals and sets up the scanner, “Captain.” Kix says, tries to get Rex’s attention, to make Rex focus on him. 

Rex frowns, breathing shallow, “K’x? What’re you doing? Arn’ you,” There’s a pause as Rex coughs, wheezes, “needed other plac’s?”

Ahsoka tries to lock down the worry as Rex’s words slur and stumble in a way he’d never let them normally. Can feel the way Skyguy is bleeding his own anxiety and worry into the force and swallows, tries not to let it sweep her up into panic.

“They’ve got things handled sir, now I need you to open your eyes and look at me.” Kix says, and his voice is even and steady, his moves measured and practiced as he frowns at the scanner, moves both Ahsoka and her Master back and focuses on Rex. 

It takes too long for Rex to force his eyes open and Ahsoka holds her breath until he does, loses it all as he draws a breath and starts to choke on it. She hugs her middle tightly and forces herself to stay still, to not rush forward and get in the way and make things worse. But Rex is still coughing and she doesn’t think he’s even breathing and she can’t help the frantic, “Rex?” that slips out.

Skyguy is pushing forward and Ahsoka can’t hear what he’s saying over the buzzing in her ears, all she can see is the alarm in Kix’s face before he hides it, yanks open his med kit and grabs a hypo. She grabs onto Skyguy’s arm, holds him back as Kix places gentle hands to Rex’s head to keep him from moving and injects whatever is in the hypo into his neck. 

Whatever it is slows the drain of Rex’s signature, slows the spread of the sickening feeling within him and keeps the warmth of his life force within him.

Ahsoka breathes, wishes again that she knew anything about medicine, feels useless instead. Tries not to think about how she is falling apart in front of the men, feels a little better that she is not the only one out of her depth.

Master Skywalker is still a miasma of anxiety and fear and worry, his antsiness spreading and it makes her skin itch. She tugs on his arm and he turns to her, squeezes at her shoulder. He sends a wave of steadying comfort to her despite all the different overwhelming emotions she feels from him. 

She appreciates that he tries. And it helps a little, though it is not the steadiness she wants right now, needs right now.

At some point he’s called away, is needed elsewhere. She can feel his reluctance to leave but he’s still General, can’t abandon his duties to all of the men out of worry for one of them. He leaves with a final squeeze of her arm, a burst of certainty that everything will be alright.

She stands there alone, wraps her arms tight around herself and watches Kix work, feels the anxious buzz and worry of the men. A swirling storm of a feedback loop.

She breathes, brings her shields up solid around her the best she can, cocoons herself with them. She squeezes her arms once, tightly, before letting them fall to her sides, tries to send out a wave of calm, can’t quite manage it.

She walks back over to Rex and Kix slowly, careful to stay out of the way.

“What’s wrong with him?” She asks, and her voice comes out smaller than she meant it to.

Kix looks up, he hasn’t out his bucket back on yet, and his expression is gentle worry. He looks at her and she must look frantic because his expression shades gentle, reassuring.

“The Captain must have gotten nicked a while back by a plant on the planet that’s known to carry a slow acting poison,” He holds up what looks like tiny little thorns and shows them to her, “he must’ve gotten thrown into one of them during a skirmish and the thorns snapped off into the spaces between his armour platings.” 

Kix puts the thorns down, checks Rex’s vitals as he keeps talking, “It’s not immediately fatal, there’s a known vaccine for it, but the longer it goes untreated the longer the vaccine takes to work and the more dangerous it is.”

Ahsoka bites her lip, feels sick. She should’ve known, she doesn’t know why she didn’t catch it before.

Kix taps her arm gently, raps his knuckles against her head, “He’ll be okay Commander, a little weak, and a lot better the quicker we get off this planet, but I had the right stuff to take care of it and keep him stable.”

She nods, exhales and feels relief swell in her chest.

She waits there, watches the rise and fall of Rex’s chest, the slow, steady beat of his heart. Reaches out to feel the warmth of his life in the Force and feels herself steady a little. 

Eventually, when she’s steady enough, she bites her lip and fidgets in place.

“I should go tell Master Skywalker,” She says, still doesn’t move.

Kix looks at her and knocks his pauldron against her arm, gives her a nod, “Go on Commander, it’ll be fine. I’ve got the watch.”

She exhales, nods jerkily and turns to go. Reminds herself that Kix won’t let his brother die if he can help it, that he’s brilliant at his job.

It does help a little bit. Makes her feel better at least.

She makes her way through the anxious buzz of the men, wants to reassure them, can’t summon the ability to without seeming like a liar. She makes her way to Skyguy instead.

She finds him helping with set up. When she starts getting close to him his head snaps up and he turns to Dream, says something. Grips his shoulder before breaking away and moving to meet her.

“Snips?”

She reaches out towards him in the Force, and he meets her halfway, wraps her in a gentle feeling that’s just the slightest bit rough and coarse. Anakin, even when he gentles his presence, always keeps some of the wildness that makes being around him unshielded hurt. It’s not his fault, there is just too much of him, and it naturally swirls like a storm around him.

Gentling storms is never easy, but Ahsoka doesn’t mind it really, just sinks into the feeling of warmth surrounding her.

“Kix says that he’ll be okay.”

Skyguy lets out a breath of relief, and some of the worry bleeds out of his signature. It helps her relax.

“I felt so useless.” She whispers, like a confession, and Skyguy surges forward, wraps her up in his arms.

“I know.”

“I didn’t know what to do.” She says, and her voice cracks, shakes, “I didn’t know what to do or how to fix it I just knew he was dying and I—”

She cuts herself off, breathes and tries to stop shaking. Doesn’t manage it.

Master Skywalker hugs her tighter, “I know Little one, and I’m sorry. But Kix has him, he’ll be okay.”

She nods, she knows that, she just can’t help the fear still clinging to her.

She closes her eyes, examines her fear, accepts it as what it is, acknowledges it and that she doesn’t want to lose anymore of her men, lets it go.

She opens her eyes and Skyguy smiles down at her, “Good Job Padawan.”

(Rex wakes later, disoriented and weak, but okay. Ahsoka breathes and it’s relief. 

Next time, she promises herself, she’ll be better. Next time, she’ll know what to do.)

[lunafeather]

For the anon ask: most important question first, how are catBeth and catRio? Second: what are some of your favorite Good Girls moments and/or episodes? From an acting perspective (I always enjoy reading your acting insights!) or just general enjoyment. And, not a question, but loved, loved, loved the third chapter of Remix and am looking forward to your prompt fills. I have no doubt that they'll be great :)

ANON ASKING THE IMPORTANT QUESTIONS!

Okay so Cat!Beth and Cat!Rio are doing great, causing trouble, living up to their namesakes. The only way Rio isn’t Rio is that he talks a LOT, we have constant conversations, I know what his specific meows mean now (apparently male cats tend to be talkative ones). They love each other so much, but they play fight constantly and Rio can be a bit of a dick (lol) and Beth is only super noisy while they play (LOL).

Had an incident a couple days ago where they were asleep on the couch and I went to give Beth kisses, only she was apparently DEAD ASLEEP cause I startled her awake so badly she immediately went on the defensive -- hissed and swiped at my face. Her claw got caught in my nose and dragged a huge cut inside of it, man that shit was PAINFUL.

Rio went a couple months not feeling very cuddly, which made me very sad, but about a week ago he started cuddling again, I almost cried I was so happy. Only he does that cat thing where he puts all 14lbs of his weight on one paw on my chest and I legit worry about health problems from being crushed. Sadly, he only cuddles for like 10 mins then moves on, but I try to enjoy the little time he gives me!

Have some photos!

Favorite Good Girls Moments/Episodes

So my favorite episode is and likely will always be 2.05. Everything about it... The Brio stuff, Beth boss bitching up and selling those cars, Annie and Ruby helping, the Amber stuff (specifically the stuff about moving to LA and giving it 6 months before giving up, it was extremely meta and I feel like only people in the industry could ever truly appreciate it), the Stan/Ruby stuff, "no I know how to spell A X E”, Ruby’s reaction(s) to Beth and Rio boning, Beth pouring vodka into her slushie and the LOOK SHE GIVES THE CASHIER, Beth taking Dean’s business from him, all of it is just..... *chefs kiss* please pour it directly into my VEINS. My absolute favorite moment though is the end scene with Beth and Rio, the multi-layered conversation about both crime and their relationship, but even more specifically, Rio saying, “yeah you’re right, it is kinda early huh” then looking DIRECTLY AT BETH’S MOUTH before looking away and smiling one of the most gorgeous smiles I have ever seen in my L I F E.

Other favorite eps, in no specific order: 2.11, 3.11, 2.04, 1.04, 1.05, 2.07, others I am probably forgetting

Other fave moments, in no specific order: Brio 20 Questions, Bathroom sex, Vette smashing, Beth opening the dubby, the 2.08 picnic bench scene, Ruby shooting Big Mike in the foot, Annie helping Nancy give birth, Ben’s coming out to Annie, oH nO wHaT hApPenEd?, any time Beth defends Rio, His name is Rio!, Beth coming out of the bathroom after hiding the books, every time Rio lies about Beth being just work, any time he touches her face, all of the 1.10/2.01 dining room scene, aw you guys didn’t hit me up to do brunch??, and many more

Okay so acting-wise, all of the cast just continually knocks it out of the park. Any time Annie has to be soft and vulnerable, Mae just fucking OWNS IT and I love that. She is exactly the kind of actor I am, I see so many similarities in our styles. The first one that comes to mind for Christina is in 2.10 when she destroys all of the baked goods she spent hours making. Imagine being so good at your craft that you can film this emotional breakdown 10, probably 20 times, with different layers and methods of expressing internal anguish, and every single moment is heartbreaking and raw and honest? Manny’s manic, soft, viciousness in the 1.10/2.01 scene always kills me. Somehow he makes Rio so human and multifaceted, like yeah he’s fucking crazy, but he’s also a man living in a world where he has to be hard and ruthless, and yeah much of his softness is a ruse, but some of it is genuine. He layers all of that together perfectly. Any time Retta cries kills me, but I actually love every time she bosses up and gets into a passion speech. The “I’m that Bitch” passion speech is my favorite. Retta plays Ruby’s desperation and uncertainty so well, always layering it under other things. And she’s obviously the queen of reactions. Matthew is so good at looking dumb, like, he isn’t dumb in real life, he’s actually very charming?? I always love, though, when he plays Dean stuck in a situation where he knows he fucked up, again, LAYERS, man! I’ve already waxed on much too long, but everyone else is also amazing: Lidya, Isaiah, Reno, all of the minor characters.

So much of film/TV acting is about internal life, and letting the audience see varying amounts of it in your eyes and your actions. I think Christina and Manny are particularly good at this, but mostly because they get the most silent screen time where they’re just looking at someone or something. Mae is the best at vulnerability, which is essential.

All of them are so fucking good, it’s why it’s one of my goals to get on the show, because my soul would leave my body if I had the opportunity to act opposite literally any of them. I’ve actually started trying to form a relationship on social media with Liz Dean (casting director for the show) so that I have something to lean on when they start up production again. I am hoping she does a general casting call like many other CDs are doing so that I can get my face in front of her and her office.

AND THANK YOU ABOUT REMIX, I feel like Favorite Things really eclipsed Remix cause I posted them at roughly the same time, and Remix is a very different flavor of fic?? I feel like it’s way more challenging though, because it’s taking every single episode and morphing it in some way to be different but still similar enough it could slide right back into the show. Also because it isn’t linear, i think it doesn’t really yell OPEN ME AND READ ME. But I am super glad that the smut drew more readers in lol I am working on some other prompt fills as well as the promp-a-thon stuff, I really hope you love everything. I am a soft and sensitive bean who needs love and support and validation.

WOW THAT WAS LONG, SORRY

Go on anon and ask me anything!

[1-2-4sudoku]

Snapped Restraints: Chapter Four: The Last Straw

AU: This is a long chapter, folks. If you’ve been waiting for the ‘snapped’ part of Snapped Restraints, this is where your wish comes true.

“What happened to your room?” Alfred asked me suspiciously.

“Um, I had an emotional breakdown.”

“I’m well aware of that, but I was told it happened at school,” he replied with one eyebrow raised.

I shifted my weight from one leg to the other and twined my brown hair around my finger anxiously I wasn’t stupid. I knew that Alfred knew that I was lying.

“You’re sure, Miss Juliette. that it was you who destroyed every one of your precious origami, which you spent hours on, which I’ve heard you refer to as your ‘pride and joy’?”

I swallowed the lump in my throat and said:“Yes, Alfred. I just lost my temper, is all.”

I felt bad for lying to someone who had been good to me. He had saved me from training sessions, defended me, made me my after school snacks, and so much more. I knew he wanted to help me, and I lied to him.

He couldn’t prove I was lying, though he knew I was. There weren’t any cameras set up in my room, no honest eye witness report. If he tried to dig deeper with no solid evidence, he could fail and Bruce would be angry and it would be worse for me.

On Friday, Dick picked up Damian to spend the weekend with him in Bludhaven. When Dick brought him back, he talked to Bruce. That freaked me out. I thought that Damian told our brother about Bruce hitting us. I felt it was my fault for encouraging him to stand up for himself.

I came into his room without knocking, and discovered that Tim and Cassandra were already there. Damian saw me come in and immeaditely blurted out: “I didn’t tell Grayson what you think I did. I only said anything at all because he asked me why I was sad!”

“Fill me in,” I demanded.

“I only told him about what happened at school and Father being angry with us, not that he hit us, and now Grayson is angry with Father.” Damian looked scared and pale and very small. He was on his bed with his arms around Titus, who he was holding onto like a lifeline.

“Okay. Okay.” I began pacing rapidly with my fingers woven tightly in my hair as I desperately wondered: What now? What the fuck do we do now?

Cass was sitting next to Damian, looking just as lost as he did. Tim sat in a desk chair with his elbows on his knees and his hands supporting his gaunt face.

After a few long moments, Damian inquired in an appropriately childlike voice: “Are you angry with me?”

Tim responded the fastest and the most harshly. “Um, YES!”

“Zip it!” I told him. “I need to think.”

“That’s funny,” Tim stood up. seeing his face, I noticed that he seemed to have worry lines despite his age. He started towards Damian. He wasn’t replying to me. He had concentrated his anger on Damian. “Because you know what I’m thinking? I think-”

“Quiet!” Cass snapped.

“Thank you!” I said empathetically. “Don’t try to redirect your anger at anyone else, Tim. It’s Bruce who hurt us, Bruce we should be angry with.”

“Hero. Helped me.” Cassandra interjected quickly.

“He hurt you, too, Cass,” Tim replied. “After all you’ve been through, of course you’d like the world to be black and white and Bruce a hero. But it isn’t and he’s not.”

“Tim is right,” I agreed. 

Tim inhaled deeply. “When he found out that you were suicidal, Bruce should have tried to find you therapy. Instead, he locked you in a sinking ship to make you want to live.”

“Got out. Lived.” Insisted Cassandra fervently.

“What if you didn’t?” Tim demanded of her. “What if you had wanted to die so badly that you lay on the floor and let yourself drown?”

“You were suicidal?” Damian asked. “Why?”

Cass nodded. After a period of silence she admitted: “Killed before. Hated myself.”

Cass’s feelings were a welcome distraction from my own panic and turmoil. I instantaneously jumped on the new topic.

“You stayed with Barbara for a long time, right?” I asked. “Did she try to help you with those feelings?”

She nodded.

“Tell me about that.”

This time Cass waited a long time to talk and said a lot when she did. “Barbara was kind to me. Tried to teach me words. Helped me... socialize. 

“She told me everyday that I was good. Said I wasn’t my father. Wanted to know my feelings. If I said I was bad, Barbara told me all the good I did.” 

After that speech, Cassandra brought her knees up to her chin and and wrapped her arms around them. She closed her almond eyes, clearly exhausted from saying so much, and put her head down. She told me without words that she was done speaking.

“Cass,” Tim concluded gently. “Barbara loves you like a daughter. Bruce appreciates you as a weapon.”

“Amen,” I verified with passion. “Bruce doesn’t love us. The sooner we come to terms with that, the better.”

Damian muttered something from his bed.

“What’d you say?” Tim inquired tiredly.

A short pause. A child’s voice muffled by his sadness. “I’m difficult to love.”

“You only think that because Bruce never tried to love you!” I cried. “I know! Tim filled me in on everything about this family when I got here. Bruce didn’t try to know you, didn’t try to be patient with you, didn’t try to help you, didn’t try to bond with you. If that shitbag can’t love you, he’s got no one to blame but himself.”

Damian started crying. The tears streaking his face and his runny nose were good reminders as to how young the little soldier was. 

Without a word, Cassandra and I wrapped our arms around him. After a few moments, Tim did the same with an accepting mutter of, “Oh, what the Hell.”

Silently, we all agreed that we were going to stick together through whatever happened.

As for what all Dick said to Bruce, I’m not sure what exactly it was, but I know it made him angry and I know it affected Alfred’s view of him.

After that day, he was never not home when Bruce was. And sometimes, when the Batman looked at me, I could see it in his eyes that he was full of burning hatred of me. I knew he wanted to hit me. The feeling was mutual.

Three weeks later, Alfred decided that is was safe to leave all us kids alone with Bruce while he went to the library. Big mistake.

That fateful Tuesday afternoon,  I  was working on a puzzle at my desk. As I did, Nadia chased a small rubber band ball across the floor.

Foolishly, stupidly, absolutely moronically, I had left my bedroom door wide open. I felt Bruce come in before I turned and saw him, because kids like me have a sixth sense for danger.

I stood up and we looked at each other silently before that bastard spoke. He watched Nadia studiously. She was stock still with quivering whiskers; a deer in the headlights. “I know you love that rat.”

A lot of things happened in the ten to fifteen seconds following his words. They didn’t blur together to me; instead they were all very clear in my mind.

I knew exactly what he was thinking. I thought: Hell no, you motherfucker.

Adrenaline flooded my system immeadietly. I started moving, and moving fast.

“It would be a sha-” Gargoyle Face began, but I interrupted him, yelling: “OVER MY DEAD BODY!!!”

As I uttered those words, I pinned my beloved friend to my chest with my arms and arched my back over her with my legs bent beneath me.

Gargoyle came at me screaming bloody murder at the top of his lungs, but I didn’t try to run.

He kicked me hard in the side. He grabbed the back of my shirt and pulled me so my back was to the floor. I must’ve learned something after all from all the training, because I manged to kick him fairly hard in the balls.

After that was when everything started to blur together. I think he threw me across the room to try to shock me into loosening my hold. I think he tried to stomp on my hands to break them. I think it’s a miracle that he couldn’t, a miracle that I somehow kept Nadia safe.

I know that I was crying hard and swearing and Nadia was screaming and shitting herself and the demonic excuse for a hero was yelling and beating me and I knew better than to try to fight him and out of the corner of my eye I thought I saw Cassandra and then suddenly it stopped.

She knocked out Bruce with a nerve paralyzing move on, I found out later. She finally stopped standing by and helped me.

Tim and Damian came in moments later.

Tim was the first to speak. “Oh, Jesus Christ!”

Cass said: “Bruce hurt Juliette. I hurt Bruce.” She said this in a very quiet and flat voice, like she was in shock. Later I decided that she probably was.

“Damian, try to take Nadia from her, and you take care of her,” Tim ordered. He spoke in a calm, professional manner. “Cass, you help me move Bruce to his bed.”

After a long time, Damian somehow managed to pry Nadia from my grasp and hold her for me so that I could take a hot bath.

Most of one wall in my bathroom was covered in mirror. When I stood up and looked at my body, the bruising was so bad that the freckles that covered every inch of my skin were no longer visible in some places.

Damian began cleaning my room while Tim looked for pain medication and cold packs. 

“I’d give you morphine if I could, but that means an IV, which there’s no way Alfred wouldn’t notice,” he said miserably. Then Tim helped Damian clean up.

My brothers and sister put me to bed and arranged ice packs around me. They planned to help me fake being sick so that I could stay in bed and recover.

I lay there staring daggers at the ceiling, nowhere near sleep. My wounds pulsed to the beat of my heart, as rage simmered and boiled inside of it.

One thought played on repeat in my head. That’s it. You don’t fuck with me or the people I love, because there’e Hell to pay if you do. Oh, that bastard’s gonna pay.

[jenhrding]

dead to me season 2; a review

hello, i need to write about this because i woke up at 4am to watch season two and i have soooo many feelings that i need to vent even if nobody really cares

this is gonna be long so i divided it by episode and i'm doing a summary at the end if you don't feel like reading the entire thing

if you follow me on twitter you may have seen a lot of my comments on the season, as i needed to tweet about it while i watched it, but this is more of an organized type of thing

A LOT OF SPOILERS AHEAD

> i'm a die hard judy/jen shipper so if you liked michelle this might not be for you, i'm sorry

EPISODE 1

okay, the season picks up on the morning after ted's death and that was something i really appreciated. i usually hate when tv shows skip things and only mention what happened, not showing us how it happened

judy and henry's relationship warms my heart. they have a really strong bond and i'm glad we got to see more of them together throughout the episodes.

but, as we can't have everything, it hurt me a lot to see the way jen was treating judy. i love them both equally and because of that i can clearly see their mistakes without being biased, or at least i hope i can. i get that she was hurt with everything that judy did, and i loathed steve deeply, but still, the guy was his ex-fiancee, and she loved him to death even if he was a toxic piece of crap. the way jen said she was just there to pick up stuff and then told her she burned everything without even looking at her made me so sad for judy, and her dropping judy off saying they would never talk again was very cold, but that i would've seen coming from jen.

i was constantly feeling bad for judy because she didn't have time to mourn steve or abe and there she was, broke and without a place to stay. and let's just say, abe was an angel in her life even after he died. props to him for treating her like she deserved to be treated.

the thing with michelle started and it seemed a bit forced to me, like they just wanted to shove judy to someone else so we would stop asking for jen & judy being together.

and then jen called judy and i just KNEW that was happening, that scene really made me happy and it felt like they were taking a step forward in their relationship. jen worries about judy so much, even if she's not the best at showing it.

"like an excuse to see me again." "did it work?"

EPISODE 2

steve's twin thing was 100% so they wouldn't have to kick james out. it was very predictable and unnecessary. i guess it added a bit to the plot but his presence really annoyed me. but, i need to say, james did a nice job because ben didn't have any of steve's traits (i know that's what actors are supposed to do but i felt like he needed a compliment).

diana was irritating me from the beginning, and i'm glad i got to like her more by the end of everything.

i didn't get the deal with nick. i know breakups are hard but he looked depressed af. maybe it had to do with his history, everything with his friend and him losing his job and stuff. but i'm not really interested in that so it didn't bother me.

and may i just add? the scene with judy and the bird, she truly is a princess, i can't with her. also, i liked the subtle hint when jen told ben not to climb on the freezer because it was too low, and we would come to find out later that steve's body was in that freezer.

episode two had a lot of fun moments and it was a lighter one, maybe to prepare us for the chaos that was coming next.

"you look beautiful. i wish you would love yourself more."

EPISODE 3

judy hugging the freezer got me ????? i know she's an espiritual person but was she really acting like steve was feeling anything? i was confused, honesly, but i don't blame her "she will never do anything wrong :)"

the rats scene was funny but i hated how long they took to solve the freezer thing and just showed jen going there and crying sooo many times it kinda got tiring.

jen was being so nice to judy, touching her and hugging her and i had my hopes up for a little bit (only to get played again but i'll talk about that later).

the scene with michelle was cute, kinda necessary for judy to realize things about her grief, but sincerely speaking she just makes me very bored.

the breakdown scene in the garage was GREAT, linda and christina did an amazing job and i want to give them all of the awards.

"just wanted to tell you that i forgive you."

EPISODE 4

this episode had so much potential to be gay lmao, i could actually picture jen trying to comfort judy and end up kissing her and then they would've been together and all, but liz really doesn't want to give us what we want.

the scene at the bar was one of the best scenes in this season. they finally TALKED about their feelings. about how they still cared about both of the men who hurt them even if they were still mad at them for being shitty guys, and that was so important, love really does weird things to us.

and the dancing scene was EVERYTHING!!!! plus, they slept in the same bed even though there were two beds in the room, so...

judy hugging henry because of his bird = my heart cried they really are mother and son

jen telling judy that she could say goodbye and LINDA's SINGING!!!!!!!! a big yes for me

"will you be my person?" "yes, i will be your person."

EPISODE 5

hated this one. jen telling judy she needed space was hurtful, specially because judy was planning a day to make her feel better.

i just really hated this one. jen and ben is a NO, and judy with michelle was bothering me.

the highlight of it, for me, was when jen called judy to help her with charlie because, well, he is his mom too.

plus: the car burning scene was hot.

EPISODE 6

judy and jen talking to charlie like his moms was sooo nice i liked that scene a lot.

the voicemails steve left judy were disgusting. i hate that guy so much and i'm glad he's dead (sorry) and not able to hurt her anymore. we only want happy and safe judy here.

jen was jealous when judy mentioned her "new friend" you can't change my mind on this one.

i actually thought judy and michelle were gonna kiss in the car, but i appreciated that liz dragged it a little bit more.

i loved most of the arcade scenes, specially the ones with their family. i liked how they portrayed jen's relationship with the boys getting good again but didn't drag it on for too long, i think it was quite nice the way they did it.

and no, i'm not here for judy and michelle even though linda looks very hot while kissing another woman.

EPISODE 7

um, judy and michelle slept together and i was not happy. in fact, i made a lot of tweets complaining about it and twitter actually put me on limit for a few minutes. her saying "i love you" felt so forced and fake, i don't know, maybe it's cause i just don't like them together.

i was really appreciating scenes with jen and charlie, even if i don't like him very much. it felt good to see their relationship developing and getting better again because i do love a mother-son plot.

"of all the lesbians in lagoona" (jen included if i may add). this scene really showed a trust between them that i missed, jen telling judy she couldn't see michelle anymore and even though judy was upset she agreed with it because she knows jen only wants what's best for her.

it really hurt me to see that girl pregnant, because i know how much judy wanted a baby and for her to have five miscarriages and have to see that other woman pregnant with steve's baby must've hit her hard.

hated jen and ben together. honestly, it felt so weird to have jen kiss the guy who looks so much like the guy she killed, so, i did not like that.

judy's speech to diana was really important. it really showed more of who she is, really, a person who just tries all the time to do everything right and keeps fucking it up (like myself, i'd say), and i liked that scene a lot, specially when she goes to pick up the plastic bags hahaha.

EPISODE 8

this one showed a bit of why we should've been prepared for episode nine.

jen and judy's first scene was really good. they started it fighting but the ending was so lovely and just showed us how much they love each other and the things they'd give up for the other one to be happy.

i really hated how michelle treated judy on this episode. judy didn't have to tell her anything right away, they were together for five seconds. (or maybe i'm overreacting because i love judy way too much and hate seeing her being mistreated).

the end of this episode showed a lot of phone calls that made me confused and it had a few cliffhangers that i found to be a bit unnecessary. the show is interesting enough and i think liz overdid the cliffhangers a bit in this season, but it wasn't something that deeply bothered me.

EPISODE 9

i have a lot to say about this one so just take a deep breath before i vent lmao.

jen and ben fucked. which i thought was unnecessary and out of character for her. i really didn't see jen sleeping with a guy who has the same face as the guy she killed, and the scene where she looks at ben and remembers steve's dead body was so weird.

plus, i wish they would've gotten deeper into jen's mastectomy story. the only mention to it in this season was when she was in the bathroom, and she couldn't even bring herself to look in the mirror. it was unlike her to sleep with some stranger after that, since she's so ashamed of it, and it made me sad that the first person to see her naked after surgery (besides ted) wasn't judy, who she actually trusts. i didn't need jen to talk about it, because i know her character doesn't like to talk feelings, but the scene where she was alone could've been longer and showed a bit more of her story.

they showed so much of judy's background in the last two episodes and i loved it! i like how they were slowly revealing why her character acts the way she does. we knew she didn't like to be alone, but now we know that it's because she was alone most of her life, and because of that she clings to anyone who shows a bit of interest in her. therefore, why she didn't like nick that much and still tried to make things work out with him, and when steve showed her a little bit more of compassion, she went back to him. and now it's michelle, who she started seeing right after jen told her she needed space. judy is codependent, and i liked to understand her relationship with her mother so i could understand her relationship with others.

jen's scene at city hall was so important and powerful. first, i was afraid she might embarrass herself but she was incredible. the way she called andrew out not even scared if all the white men sitting there wouldn't believe a woman's harassment story, the way she talked about ted and ugh everything was great.

then, things started to go downhill. jen's relationship with the boys started declining again and it broke my heart (but i liked how henry asked for judy because he was sad and wanted to see her). and this anticipated what i elected (as if i have any room to say anything) to be the best scene of the show.

the garage scene. i have so many feelings towards it but at the same time i don't know how to express them.

first, judy said she was going to take the blame for charlie and that right there is what a mom would do (and finally they talked about judy's s*icide attempt). besides that, judy said that jen had a family and she couldn't lose that family, and then we realize how much it hurt her when her mom said she didn't have a family of her own (even though, in season one, jen said she was a part of their family).

linda and christina were brilliant in this bit. linda's expressions send me every time, and personally, i love it when she curses because it shows a side of her character that only comes out when she's really nervous and stressed, since she's always trying to see the good in everything. the way she raised her voice and said a lot of "fucks" really brought a different tone to the scene that we hadn't seen during the season.

jen had a lot of breakdowns during this season. but none of those were as exceptional as this one. ted fucked up her mind badly, and steve saying all those things triggered her to do what she did. imagine being married to a person for eighteen years and finding out, after his death, that he was cheating on you for a year and a half, that really must mess up with your self esteem and how you see yourself. jen is constantly thinking that everyone that she loves hates her and she ends up hating herself (as judy said "i wish you would love yourself more."). she is an extraordinary character and there's so much i still need to know about her.

now, here's something that bothered me. this scene was great, but i think jen was a bit out of character when she said "that's because you love anyone who just gives you a morsel of fucking attention, even if it's abusive. it's like you get off on it or something". honestly, the jen i know and have grown to love would never blame a woman for being abused, even if she was out of her mind for being upset. she saw how judy was mistreated by steve and she always knew he was toxic, but she would never say that to judy, as if she had any guilt on it.

this scene was so raw and chaotic but it was breathtaking, in a good way. judy's "i'm not like you" and their fight in front of the house, also judy's screams, everything was on point.

and then, jen got to see something we've been noticing for the past season and this one as well. when judy's stressed or hurt, she starts self-harming. it was never brought up before but it's something to watch out for. how many times did she curse at herself and hit herself in front of mirrors? and in the car she starts hitting herself really strongly when she's asking jen to stop. now, i don't know which part of her history this has to do with but i'd really like for them to get more into this, as it seems like a great storyline.

jen watching judy sleep and putting her hair behind her ear was so gay pure and i loved this scene so much.

EPISODE 10

what jen did for her family was beautiful, even if it didn't start that well. now, about her letter to judy, i sobbed so much reading that one.

this episode said a lot about diana's humanity. her and jen's talk about their mothers showed another side of her that i really liked. and i'm a sucker for motherhood storylines, so i cried a lot during that scene.

i liked this episode a lot too. loved to see charlie so worried about his mother for once in his life, and how well judy handles things as a mother.

now this is where i get mad. the scene where jen and judy are talking outside was the perfect setting for them to confess feelings. michelle felt like something that judy needed to replace steve, so it wouldn't last anyway (me hoping that she's not showing up on season 3), and because she had that experience, now she could love jen in a healthier way, in a way that maybe she couldn't before. there were so many 'i love you's and so many hugs and touches and no kiss and i was sad.

i loved the way jen said that judy needed to learn how to say no (and also, can she please stop saying sorry all the time? she's always making herself sad to make others happy-- i can't stop seeing myself in her). and it was genius how they used this thing to make her say no to her mom, who only wanted to see her to get out of prison, it showed her strenght.

the way they picked up jen's grief for her mom was really nice, i'd also like to learn more about that in the future. we could really understand where her anger comes from and why she despises herself so much.

and, baby, let me tell you, judy hale is a GENIUS. the money inside the paintings? i never saw that coming and i was so happy watching that scene! specially when she showed jen and they held hands. :(

charlie found the letters and he's finally getting to know what actually happened to his father (i'm guessing), and i wanna see his reaction. and i'm so here for their vacation! "talk to me like lovers do!" she really just keeps playing with my heart. (and jen calling judy "judes" was really cute.)

the last scene was something. them talking about the sign and then ben hitting them because he was drunk? i wasn't expecting that. and, as i said before, liz likes a good cliffhanger, but this one didn't seem that harsh. if she wanted to, she could've just left us in the dark about whether jen was alive or not, but she didn't, and i appreciated that.

i still don't know if this leaves room for another big storyline, maybe this should be something to be solved in the first two episodes of season three so they could jump into something more exciting, i don't know.

"i love you more than wine. thank you for loving me and our boys."

OVERALL THOUGHTS

i liked this season a lot. it felt a lot different from season one, the settings, the air. it was a bit more chaotic, i must say, and i do think they could've maybe chilled for a little bit and left the high point of stress being only on episodes 9 and 10. literally, everything was happening, all the time, and the only time they had to breathe was when they went dancing that night.

there was a shift in my feelings, for sure. last season i picked up on a lot of judy's mistakes and things she did that bothered me. this season, i did that more with jen, but i still love them so much istg i'd die for them (not to sound dramatic or anything lmao). it's just that last season i identified a lot more with jen's anger and behaviors, and in this one a saw a lot of myself in judy, and that might've prevented me from criticizing them as much in their respective moments.

i love this show to death, and i'm just waiting for award nominations that i'm sure will come. let's just hope that, this year, they also acknowledge linda's brilliant acting and even give both of them some awards.

this is me, (im)patiently waiting for a season 3 confirmation and i'm sure i'm just gonna rewatch everything for the next year like i did with season one.

i needed to talk about this season, and twitter doesn't give me enough space to do that, but this is not something i usually do. if you read all of this, you're brave, and i'm thankful for your attention.

now, can liz please make judy and jen girlfriends?

[queen-of-my-goofball-army]

Oc Questions

So my friend @bio-hazard0us and I have been working on a lot of My Hero Academia original characters and I was hit with the sudden idea to make my first villain one. I thought that I would share my process so that they could see it and everyone can know how I flesh out a character. In this case I have paired my original character up with Jin Bubaigawara aka the villain Twice in My Hero Academia. 

A: What are/were this character’s best subjects in school? Violet was good at just about every subject in school but her favorites were history, ballet, English and of course botany

B: Do they have any allergies? She is funnily enough allergic to bees even though they are essential to her quirk. They pollinate her flowers but just the sight of them has her feeling ill.

C: Can they swim well? She taught herself how to swim rather well and it’s one of her favorite hobbies that she does on her days off. 

D: How do they react to being flirted with? A flustered awkward disaster mess that’s how she would react to being flirted with (Especially if it was with Twice. He does it to mess with her in and out of costume and always teases her when she gets a bright pink face. 

E: How are they with children? Violet comes from a really big family and loves her siblings but one of Jin’s biggest fears is that his mental instability will be passed down to his children. 

F: What’s one thing they’re really bad at? She is awful at being a villain, let’s just be honest here. She is mostly doing this because Jin is doing it and she wanted to stick by his side. She is always known for being the most genuine member out of the League and even helped Bakugou escape.  She is also very bad with directions so she usually has to be sent out with Dabi or Toga as well as Twice because they both are extremely scatterbrain and tend to get way off track.

G: How do they flirt? Violet is basically the worst type of flirt, the type that doesn’t even know when they are flirting. She just is genuine with her compliments and is always open about how she feels. She loves to compliment Jin and it is usually her way of getting revenge when he flirts with her “That was so good hun!!” She’s basically his little cheerleader always encouraging him to do his best at everything that he does and he loves that about her. 

H: What is their deadly sin? Her deadly sin would most likely be Gluttoney because she has a problem with sweets and knowing exactly when to eat them. (Twice jokes that it’s lust which usually results in him getting smacked upside the head.) 

I: On a scale of 1 to 10, how much do they love themselves? On a scale of one to ten she loves herself at a very low 4. She loves Jin more than anything in the entire world but she hates having to be a part of the League of Villains. She would much rather be a small flower shop owner even with her quirk that is meant to do things for evil. She has a lot of crippling self doubt and doesn’t know how to deal with the awful things that she has to do. The only reason that her number isn’t any lower is because of Twice. 

J: What’s their sense of humour like? Her sense of humor is very bubbly and peppy, it’s a lot of plant puns and really bad jokes that Jin told her to get her to laugh at him when she was younger. If she’s tired it’s a lot more sarcastic and full of attitude but usually that only happens when Shigaraki asks her to do villain stuff when she has already had a long enough day as it was. Twice loves her either way you look at it with her sense of humor. He just loves her more than anything when you really think about it he considers her the best possible thing that he could ever ask for.  

K: How do you know when you’ve upset them? You will know when you’ve upset her when she sends her “Audrey II” after you. That is her man eating venus flytrap that she named after the flytrap in Little Shop of Horrors.  

L: What is their favourite board game? Any board game that makes her laugh. She loves to play Apples to Apples with Twice and the rest of the League of villains it’s the one time when she truly thinks that they are actually a family and she really feels like she fits in.

M: What is their favourite dessert? She loves ice cream, absolutely loves ice cream. When she has a bad day stress or anxiety wise Jin brings her strawberry cheesecake Ben & Jerries ice cream and Phish Food for him and they both openly talk about what they are struggling with (Mental health for the win!!!) 

N: What do they usually eat for breakfast? Her go to breakfast usually has some fruit in it. That's really the only thing since she isn’t always hungry in the mornings. 

O: What would it take to break them, inside and out? For Jin to break up with her. That’s what would break her inside and out she would not be able to live without him making her laugh. If he were to break up with her and not even want to be friends that would cause her to have a full on mental breakdown. 

P: How do they handle money? She is nearly a professional at handling money. She doesn’t have a whole lot of it because she works part time at a flower infused coffee and pastry shop.

Q: Are they patient? She is one of the most patient people that you will ever meet in your entire life. It is one of her best qualities that she prides herself on. You sort of have to be patient when your long term love of your life is Jin Bubaigawara (Twice). She always rubs his back when he cries into her shoulder apologizing for saying anything wrong in his other personality. It breaks her heart to see him like that. She would much rather see the joking having a fun time side of his personality but she has loved him for as long as she can remember and she’s going to be damned if a little mental illness roadblock is going to get in her way. 

R: What are their hands like? Her hands have little calluses on them that Jin loves playing with as a fidget technique because having her presence around makes the voices in his head for once shut fully off. He can be comfortable around her just holding her hand and telling stories in his different personalities to make her laugh. 

S: How stealthy are they? She is actually very stealthy and extremely quiet person (when Twice isn’t around to make her laugh)

T: Where are they ticklish? Violet is ticklish almost literally everywhere on her entire body something that kid Jin loved because it caused her to snort when she laughed if he did it too much. 

U: What’s their voice like? She’s naturally soft spoken unless she’s really excited about something than she has the tendency to rise in volume. 

V: What’s the easiest way to annoy them? The easiest way to annoy her is to send her off on a solo mission with Shigaraki. It takes everything in her not to just blow up at him and tell him that she’s done being his minion. Then she thinks of Twice and just takes some deep breaths to calm herself down and remembers why she’s doing this. So that the love of her life can fit in somewhere and finally be truly happy with his life. 

W: Can they dance? Dancing is one of the things that she is the best at pretty much all styles of dance. 

X: What’s their most petty little secret? Her pesky little secret is that she made a stuffed smaller version of Jin as Twice for the nights when they aren’t together and she can’t sleep. It helps her sleep at night knowing that she has something to remind her of her boyfriend. 

Y: What is one question they’ve always wanted an answer to? Why did her dad have to die? Her older brother who was a police officer was caught in the crossfire and killed by a hero in an accident.

Z: How do they sleep? She doesn’t sleep that well at all if she doesn’t have either her stuffed version of Twice or the real deal around her. She suffers from frequent nightmares of the awful things that she was forced to do as a member of the League and the momentous amounts of bullying that she was given as a child.

1. Do they sleep with a stuffed animal? She does actually sleep with stuffed animals. Jin won her a massive stuffed sea otter at a shooting darts game when they were back in high school at their cultural festival and she loves it so much. She also has the afformented stuffed version of Twice.

2. Can they take care of a plant? What about a pet? What about a child? Her quirk is quite literally taking care of the plants that she houses as tattoos on her arms and that she keeps in her garden at work. She has a pet cat that is probably the most tsundere cat to ever exist but it loves it’s human so much. Violet adopts young Toga as her own showing her what actual love and affection really should look like instead of the pain that she has suffered through.

3. Ask them to describe their love interest. Violet would describe Jin as the sweetest man that she has ever met. Forget about the mental illness, that doesn’t bother her in fact it only makes her want to take care of him on his really bad days. She truly loves her boyfriend more than anything in the world. He is the reason why she gets up everyday to make him laugh with her little screw ups at being a villain. To her, you can’t find a more perfect man than Jin Bubaigawara. She loves his sense of humor, the way that he looks at the world and the man behind the mania more than anything. She’ll jokingly call him her Deadpool and he loves it so much since that was one of his favorite heroes in high school. 

4. Do they look good in red? In her opinion since part of her villain costume (her hoodie) is red she would say yes. Twice jokes that she would look good in a paper bag. 

5. Speech! Speech! Speech! Speech! It would definitely be a late night speech to the love of her life Jin after a night that he’s been struggling with his split personality disorder. He’ll tell her that he doesn’t deserve her and her pureness and that she should run while she still can. She would tell him that would never, ever happen. That she loves him despite her mental illness. That she loves the man that has always been there for her and is the other half of her soul. That he isn’t defined by his mental illness but by the person that lies beneath all of that. He would just melt into her side and she would quietly run her fingers through his hair turning him into putty in her arms.

6. Who will they take advice from, no matter what it is? Who won’t they take advice from, no matter what it is? She will always take advice from her father who has known what is best for her throughout her entire life and is immensely supportive of her relationship with Twice. He loves Jin and worries about him instead of being against their relationship he gives Violet advice for how to deal with him and his outbursts that he sometimes has. She would absolutely never listen to Shigaraki no matter what. He tells her that her “emotions” for Twice will be her downfall and that she shouldn’t be as kind as she is if she wants to be a villain. 

7. Describe them in three words. Now let them describe themselves in three words. I would describe Violet as endlessly patient, kind and forgiving of all of Jin’s downfalls. Usually when he forgets an anniversary (he never forgets her birthday though). She would describe herself as a wet blanket, a burden on Jin and a naturally spineless person. 

8. Do complex puzzles intrigue or frustrate them? Puzzles have always intrigued her 

9. Do they empathize with non-sentient things (dolls, plants, books…)? She has an attachment to her favorite book since childhood that her dad would always read to her. It’s called The Little Prince and it’s been her favorite book since she was five years old. She feels an empathization with her plants that she needs to use for her quirk and always apologizes before she has to use them. 

10. What age do they most want to be right now? She wants to be at the age that she is right now. She lives on her own even though she wishes that she could stay live with Jin full time. 

11. They’ve won the lottery. Spend, or save? Save the money for the future and get a big house for her, Jin and Himiko to live in. She loves her family more than anything and just wants for them to be happy together. 

12. Do they like romance in the books they read (or in the book they’re in)? She has a soft spot for romance in films. She openly cries every time that she watches the first ten minutes in Up or the ending of The Painted Veil. She is a naturally overly emotional person so whenever she watches one of these films Jin has a box of tissues at the ready to dry her eyes with.  

13. Name one thing their parents taught them. Her parents taught hre to be kind and patient with most everyone she meets which is one of the biggest reasons as to why she is so good with Jin and his mental instability. 

14. Would they agree with the term ‘guilty pleasure’? Do they have any? She has a guilty pleasure for the film version of Little Shop Of Horrors and is often seen humming Mean Green Mother From Outer Space while she waters Audrey II

15. What would they consider a waste of time– other than school or work? Violet considers lazing around a waste of her time. Why be lazy when she could be watering her plants or helping Himiko with her homework? Jin definitely has to draw the line at some point and give her a backwards hug telling her that she needs to take a break. 

16. If money wasn’t a limit, what would they wear? She would wear designer clothes that she always sees in the shop windows. There is this really adorable dress that has plants all over it that she loves to look at on the street and in the shop window (Jin buys it for her for Christmas once he gets a steady following with his artwork.) 

17. Do they like children? Violet has always loved children and willingly will look after her siblings if she doesn’t need to be doing villainous work with Twice and Himiko for the night. She was raised to love children and her and Jin have talked about adopting others when Himiko goes off to college. He’s legitimately afraid of being a good father but she is always there to encourage him and tell him how good he is with their adopted daughter. He teased her that they already were basically siblings so it didn’t really matter but he always loves her encouragement. 

18. Kissing: tongue or no tongue? It depends on where they are. She loves to press little kisses to his mask when he’s wearing it but when the mask is off they do have the tendency to kiss. She’s actually asexual so as long as it doesn’t go to sexual intercourse she’s okay with all the types of intimacy that kissing can bring. 

19. Do they study before tests? Practice before job interviews? She always has this need to study for tests even though everyone around her encourages that she’ll ace it with flying colors because she is just naturally intelligent. She actually helped Jin get his GED in high school so that he could pass and got him through the grades with the help of a lot of patience and snacks to go around. 

20. What do they like that nobody else does? Most of the stuff that she likes that nobody else tends to like is the manga that she reads in her free time. This gets a lot of jokes poked at her by Jin and Himiko but they love it about her that she is a massive Otaku.

21. What would it take for them to break up with someone? What would be the last straw? There would be no real “last straw” with her and Jin. Unless he cheats on her which he would never do because he loves her way too much to do that to her. 

22. Do they like being called pet names? Do they call other people pet names? What’s their go-to? Oh the sappy nicknames between these two strap yourselves in folks especially for Jin\Twice because his are numerous. His favorites are dolls and baby that he uses outside of the mask and they never fail to make her soft like butter. With the mask on it’s cupcake and milady “Hey cupcake need a little help over here!!” 

23. Stability or novelty? Stability all the way. She needs to keep to her schedule and her downtime needs to be there otherwise she will fall off the rails and it’s not a pretty picture. Jin is there to make sure that even her stability is still the life of the party. 

24. Honesty or charity? Honesty is always the best policy.

25. Safety or possibility? Possibility she is always open to new ones that could change her life and it’s one of the reasons why she started dating Jin she saw all the possibilities that their relationship could have. 

26. Talent or effort? Effort all the way. She will always put forth the effort into everything that she does. She has this belief and it’s the same way with her father that there is no talent without a little bit of effort thrown into everything.

27. Forgiveness or vengeance (or…)? Forgiveness. She will always forgive Jin no matter what his mental illness does to put a damper on their relationship she will always take him back with open arms. 

28. Would they date a fixer-upper? She would because she believes that there is really no such thing as a fixer-upper. I mean growing up her favorite movie was Beauty and the Beast so she has always believed that the true beauty of somebody isn’t on the outside but on the inside their personality. Jin is basically one giant fixer upper that most people would run for the hills from but not Violet. Most of her siblings scratch their heads when they seen the two of them together but they know that their sister is the happiest that they have ever seen her when she’s around him. 

[rason-rodd]

So, I see requests are open, and if it’s not to out there, may I please have a fic where the batfam(and possibly in a JLA meeting) video call Jason and see him mid breakdown cutting his own thighs and them learning he kinda hates himself but they just got him back and vow to help him get better because family doesn’t quit on family ? V specific and you don’t have to if it’s to much but thanks if you do/don’t anyways !! (Love you btw)

Hello! Sorry for making you wait, anon. I finally wrote the fanfic though it is a bit different than what you ask. I didn’t do the ‘video call’ thing and ‘JLA meeting’ because I didn’t know how to build the story around that. I hope you don’t mind and that you’ll appreciate it anyway.

DISCLAIMER: THE FANFIC BELOW DEALS WITH VERY SENSITIVE SUBJECTS SUCH AS SUICIDAL TENDENCIES AND SCARIFICATION. THE SCENE DEPICTED MAY BE VERY DISTURBING AND NOT SUITED FOR YOUNG READERS. SO PLEASE BE CAREFUL. IF YOU DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE WHILE YOU READ THIS, THEN PLEASE STOP.

DISCLAIMER 2: MAKING AN APOLOGIST ARGUMENT FOR SUICIDE AND SCARIFICATION IS NOT THE AIM OF THIS FANFIC, ON THE CONTRARY.  IF YOU ARE OR ANYONE YOU KNOW IS DEALING WITH THOSE ISSUES PLEASE TALK TO A RESPONSIBLE AND TRUSTWORTHY PERSON. IT CAN BE A FRIEND, A MEMBER OF YOUR FAMILY, A TEACHER OR A PROFESSIONAL. BUT PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE DON’T STAY QUIET!  

WE’VE GOT YOU (Jason Todd’s POV)

Warning: Angst, Mention of Suicide, Death and Scarification
Tagged: @usernightwing ; @anaboo-thewriter ; @queen-fighter ; @loliiz ; @piratefrost ; @daisyboobear ; @perforabuntsaggittis ; @pythiaaa

You probably won’t believe it but not everyone wants to be alive. Surprising, I know. But true. There are days … or rather nights … when I stay awake, lying on my bed, wondering if things would not have been better after all if I had stayed dead or if the Lazarus pits hadn’t give me back my consciousness. Lugubrious thoughts I know. But that’s the thing with thoughts you don’t really control them. Contrary to speech, thoughts are free and can be judged only by yourself.

I hate my thoughts. I hate them because they make me do crazy things, because they drive me insane, because sometimes I let them hurt me in ways anything or anyone else could hurt me, because I let them dictate my actions.

I let them take the knife attached to my belt. I let them stare at it. I let them lower it towards my leg and I let them carve my already battered and bruised thighs. But worse, I let them enjoy it and tell me, like a snake whispering in my ear, that it feels good, that I’ll feel better after that.

But I never feel really better. I take comfort in this daze where the cuts send me, in that place where there is just a weird dizziness and a sensation of warm burning down my entire body, knocking me down on the mattress. A sensation similar to a few lines of coke freshly sniffed. Yeah, an addiction. Something that doesn’t last and that make you come back for more.

A shameful addiction.

I drop the knife on the floor and stay lying on the mattress. I feel like I’m falling, like I’m sinking in the mattress but I’m … relaxed? good?. I don’t know. But apart from that, I don’t feel anything around me, not even the springs of the bed that usually hurt my aching back or the blood staining my trousers more and more as it pours down my thighs. I loose all sense of awareness, all sense of consciousness, all sense of self. And it reminds me when I was just this vegetable zombie that had just miraculously come from the dead.

Miraculously? No. Wrong word. In what way was it a miracle? In what way waking up in a coffin six feet under is a miracle? I what way crawling back to the surface using your nails to dig yourself out is a miracle? Let me tell you what it was. It was a curse, a new punishment for all the stupid things that I had done.

Or maybe it wasn’t. Because the notion of curse or even miracle implies that there is some God or some almighty power that plays with your life like a puppeteer. There is no one! There is no God. There is no Devil. When you die, fuck, you die. Forget heaven. Forget hell. There is just blackness.

A bit like right now, now that I have my eyes closed. Trust me, I’ve been there.

Yeah, not everyone wants to be alive.

I suddenly feel something fresh and humid on my forehead. Slowly I crawl back towards reality. My eyes open. They have trouble adjusting to the light.    “He’s awake” echoes in my head. Damn, it hurts.     “Jason.” My sight is blurry. I can only discern a black figure. “Jason, can you hear me?” Yes, I can. Whoever you are. I can hear you. But who are you?           I blink. There is a strange light blinding my eyes. They want to cry.          “ You’re okay. We’ve got you.”

Then I see them, through half opened eyes. Bruce, Dick and Damian. They are staring at me. I don’t like their stares. Even less when they are full of pity like right now. It’s the same look people used to give me when I was a street rat orphan living in Crime Alley. Makes me wanna puke.            I try to stand up but my head is still dizzy and Bruce holds me back. “No, don’t move.”“I’m okay.” I spit as I brush his hand off. “What are you guys doing here? No one invited you. It’s my place.” I realise I don’t sound as threatening as I hoped I would. I sound like a weak mess.             “ We wanted to see you about Black Mask.” Damian frowned with arms crossed over his tiny chest. Even when I feel dizzy, that brat still looks fucking obnoxious. “ Black Mask can wait. Are you okay?” Dick asks. What a big brother. What a dumb blind big brother. Didn’t I say as was okay even if I’m not? “What happened? Who did this to you?”             “ Trouble with some goons working for Two Face.” I lied    “ Really? I am not so sure.” Bruce had the knife in his hand.        

I want them all out. Right now. Simply out my place. Out of sight. Out. I look down to take a deep breath but I’m not going to lie, I feel so ashamed. “What the hell, Jason? Why?!” Dick yells with that saddened look in his eyes.     “ Just because.”      “ That’s not a reason!!” Can he shut up? Can’t he be just like the Demon Spawn over there? Staring in anger with this ridiculous little frown that he has inherited from daddy dearest. A look is easy steer clear of. “ You’re hurting yourself. You’re scarifying yourself!” Like I didn’t know what I was doing. “Why? Why would you do that?”      “You’re really asking again?”      “Yes. You’re my brother for god’s sake. Of course I want to know why you’re doing such a thing to yourself!” I don’t answer.  “ He’s doing it because he is weak.” Damian spits with disdain. I glower at him. How dares he? Fucking little brat! Weak? I’m not weak! I’m strong. I’m a survivor. I’m … “You little piece of shit. How dare you calling me weak? After everything I’ve been through? I’m certainly one of the bravest person you’ll ever meet in your miserable life!” I growl.         “ You’re weak.” He repeats with a scowl. “You’re weak because you haven’t thought for a second how we could all feel about that.”           “Oh really? Cause you feel something!” I sneer.        “ Yes!” Dick answers, “We feel sorry. Sorry for you. And sorry that we didn’t realise that you had those … tendencies.”            “ We feel hopeless.” Damian adds “But you don’t care. You’re selfish.”  “ ENOUGH!” Bruce shouts suddenly. “YOU TWO, OUT!!”

They obey like little dogs. But I won’t lie. Good riddance!

Bruce is staring with that look. You know, the batman look. He’s pissed. Of course, he has never felt like I have. So how can he under…stand?

A hug? Is that …?

I stiffen. I’m definitely not used to that. I’m … It feels good. Bruce’s arms around me, holding me tight, his hand caressing my back. That fatherly embrace.     I feel tears forming in my eyes. And I feel his tears falling on my neck. He is crying. Bruce never cries. He never cries for me. “I am so sorry, Jason.” He whispers with a broken voice that I have never heard before. “Please, forgive me.”        I don’t answer. I just close my eyes and let my tears flow. And I let myself to that hug. “Please don’t do that again.” His voice. That guilt. That pain. I can’t stand it. “Please, let me, let us help you” It hurts. It hurts that I hurt him. I didn’t want … don’t want … to disappoint you Bruce. I don’t want to hurt.    “ Please don’t make me lose you again.” I want to cry out. I don’t know what keeps me in check. “I would not stand it.” I look at the knife on the floor and for a second I see that damn crowbar that took me away from him in so many ways.            “You’re my son.”     And you are my father, old man, despite everything that happened. You are my father. I sniff in his neck, perhaps a bit too loudly since he tightens his arms around me. “Don’t it again. I beg you.”  I somehow find the strength to look at him. He has that look. That same look I used to have when I was by mother’s side, on the bathroom floor, trying to prevent her from chocking in her vomit. That look is awful. My mother never cared about that look. It made me suffer more than anything and I eventually lost. I can’t do that as well. I can’t do that to Bruce. I can’t to that to Dick, to Damian, Tim, Alfred… I can’t do that to anyone.        “ I won’t.” I whisper my promise.

I glance at the knife one last time. No, it won’t become a new crowbar. No, it won’t take me away from my family.

[inevitably-johnlocked]

Steph. There's a post going around arguing that our John doesn't love Sherlock but despises him (it's not an anti johnlock post tho) and it made me ridiculously sad. Can you give some examples of John loving Sherlock? :( It really bothered me

Yeah, Nonny, I saw that one too. While I can understand where the argument lies, Uhhhh I just don’t see it the way they do. I’ve written a similar meta before, but I never broke it down before. This isn’t all of them, just a short little list…for instance:

FIRST OF ALL: JOHN’S BLOG. If I didn’t know that it was official, I would have thought it was a fan-site. It’s terribly romantic and John essentially fawns over Sherlock in almost every entry. Read especially the entries done during the hiatus. They’re… just… JOHN, PLEASE.

Martin’s acting. Just, every time John is around Sherlock, his face does 300 different emotions, but the most blatant is lust / adoration / incredulity. 

Anytime the show is in John’s POV, it’s just… Sherlock is this ethereal being that John “can look but not touch”.

THE FUCKING PILOT. Just… The whole Pilot. John is literally one step away from jumping Sherlock in a back alley. And the really gay rooftop music. Just. Listen to that and be amazed at how gay that is. That’s ALL from John’s POV. AND John had this look on his face:

ASIP:

John had a limp until Sherlock came into his life and gave it new meaning.

John has trust issues – Mycroft confirms this and says John doesn’t trust easily – yet for some reason he was okay with Sherlock. “And the madman himself? He’s fascinating.”

He hits on Sherlock the first night. Granted this isn’t a sign of love, but dear god John had no idea that one little thing and rejection would start his endless pining.

Laughing against the wall together, and in awe at Sherlock curing his limp.

The eye sex. Good god, the eye sex. 

He stands up to Mycroft DEFENDING Sherlock and he has no idea who Mycroft is or what he’s capable of.

Even though he didn’t know Sherlock that long, he ran after Sherlock when the phone pinged.

He killed a man for Sherlock after knowing him for only about 24 hours, and had no guilt about it.

TBB

His PIN is “SHER”. Like at this point he’s only known Sherlock for a couple months and he already changed his PIN to “SHER”???? COME ON, JOHN, PLEASE.

He goes after Sherlock rather than protect Soo Lin, because he is worried Sherlock will hurt himself.

Spends his whole date with Sarah thinking about and talking to Sherlock. He constantly checks over his shoulder to see Sherlock’s reactions to literally everything.

And this was all after he just constantly lingers his gaze over Sherlock for the first half of the episode.

Eye sex.

TGG

He has incredible guilt about the blog post that causes the Yard to make fun of Sherlock.

“I thought you would have been flattered”. Literally John is hurt that Sherlock seemingly doesn’t like his blog. They had a fucking DOMESTIC because of a BLOG POST and John’s hurt feelings. Hashtag MARRIED.

John races back to Baker Street from Sarah’s AFTER SHE’S SUGGESTIVE WITH HIM just to make sure Sherlock is okay.

John’s jealousy towards Jim flirting with Sherlock.

*sighs* EYE SEX.

John was willing to kill The Golem for Sherlock.

John, strapped to a bomb vest, took an opening and grappled and held on tight to Moriarty, told Sherlock to run. Essentially, he was willing to sacrifice his body to a slurry of gunfire and an explosion if only Sherlock would be safe from Moriarty.

“People would talk.” Why does that concern you so much, John.

Then, John was willing to die with Sherlock, without hesitation. They shared one single look and it was done.

ASiB

John’s jealousy throughout the entire episode; he wouldn’t be jealous if there wasn’t some latent pining.

MORE eye sex and toffee eyes, or John looking like a kicked puppy for half the episode because he is sad that Irene seems to have taken his place.

John essentially gives up dating in this episode.

John goes on a case for Sherlock because Sherlock was too lazy to go on his own.

John checking out Sherlock in a sheet. 

Followed by them being silly.

The unnecessary tackle.

John had a date the night that Irene drugged Sherlock, but John stayed home to take care of Sherlock instead. Oh and the bum pat. JOHN, PLEASE.

John’s concern about Sherlock’s danger night has him teaming up with both Mrs Hudson and Mycroft.

John decided to try to pick up Sherlock again, only to be cock-blocked by Irene.

Even though he was with Jeanette, John consistently pays more attention to Sherlock at Christmas, eventually driving Jeanette to call John out on his obsession with Sherlock, naming Sherlock as her “competition”.

Irene knows EXACTLY what John likes. 

John confronts Irene and tells her to tell Sherlock she’s alive, because he hates seeing Sherlock upset; he thinks Sherlock was grieving about her, and not over his confused feelings John.

Irene essentially tells John HE LOVES SHERLOCK. She compares herself to him, AND JOHN DOESN’T DENY IT, but silently acknowledges that yes, he and Sherlock are a couple.

John wants to talk about what happened at Battersea, but Sherlock denies him because Sherlock’s scared of his own feelings and thinks he’s protecting John from Moriarty by keeping him at arm’s length.

John thinks Sherlock would be hurt to discover that Irene is for-real dead this time, so he chooses to lie, because John doesn’t want Sherlock to go into a sad fit again. John chose the “kinder” option, and then gives Sherlock what he wants when he asks for the phone even though it is not allowed.

THOB

John goes on a holiday with Sherlock. Just… they go on a holiday. There’s no argument about it, just… they go.

John doesn’t deny that he and Sherlock are together when the Innkeeper assumes they are together, rather he deflects, because it’s too close to the truth.

John pulls rank to show off to Sherlock for a change.

The cheekbones and the coat collar, essentially revealing that he stares at Sherlock all the time.

John forgives Sherlock for his brashness, experimentation, and ignorance of John.

TRF

Eye sex.

Another “people will talk” comment when they hold hands, and THEN John still holds onto Sherlock’s sleeve while Sherlock is babbling on.

John’s anger at both Kitty and Jim, defending Sherlock’s honour.

The rooftop exchange between the two and John’s unwavering faith in Sherlock (“I know you for real”).

John’s complete breakdown at seeing Sherlock dead.

The graveyard. Fuck.

Seriously, THE GRAVEYARD IS THE MOST BLATANT SCENE IN S2.

MHR 

Just the entire second half of MHR. John mourns like a grieving widower, needing a heavy drink and to be alone to watch the video of Sherlock again, holding back his tears as he watches Sherlock on screen.

In the blog entry, he talks about how charming Sherlock was and how much John himself understood Sherlock. The WHOLE entry is just one giant love letter to Sherlock.

TEH

John physically goes to Baker St. to “move on”. John couldn’t, in 2 years, bring himself to stay at Baker Street because it reminded him too much of Sherlock. Mrs Hudson calls him out on how he was “after” and John doesn’t say anything. Then he is angry about the comment that they were a couple because THEY WEREN’T. He blames himself for Sherlock’s death. 

To “move on”, John jumps into a relationship to get over Sherlock believing that his miracle would never come, only to have Sherlock come back at the worst moment and Mary manipulate John into a proposal.

Donde Estas, Yolanda? This song pretty much is John’s heart speaking.Actually, most of the music selection is really very “John” and his inner turmoil of trying to understand if he should try to make a move on Sherlock. Music in Sherlock is always important; it’s always projecting the feelings of either John or Sherlock on a subtextual level.

More eye sex.

John returning to Baker Street on his own, before the bonfire, dressed in his old outfit… It’s the only time in the whole episode he dresses like “pre-S3” John"… And his oscillation on the pavement and all that. 

And John’s RETURNS to 221b a second time. Because he can’t stay away.

I know it doesn’t look like it, but John forgave Sherlock.

“I was hooked. He’s like a drug.” JOHN, PLEASE.

#SherlockLives means #JohnWatsonLives. JOHN H. WATSON, PLEASE.

TSo3

SURPRISE! More eye sex and toffee eyes.

Stag night, pretty much all of it. It’s clear John is trying to loosen Sherlock up to make him more receptive to John’s advances. John tries to hit on Sherlock one more time before the marriage, but Sherlock was too drunk to understand what was happening. John assumes, with finality, that Sherlock doesn’t want him that way.

The obviously staged tumble forward to grab at Sherlock’s knee, followed by, “I don’t mind” and an indifferent shrug.

“I’m there if you want it.”

John’s first reaction to Sherlock’s adorable confusion after the best man speech was to hug Sherlock; he loves him so much that he is very moved by Sherlock’s admission to the whole of the room to how much John means to Sherlock. John even cried beforehand, and you can just SEE his FUCKING FACE glow every time he looks at Sherlock.

John ALSO grabs and holds Sherlock’s neck not once but twice in this episode.

John cluing in at the end of the episode that Sherlock does indeed feel something more for John when they share a look, and not being able to deal with his mistake, so he no-homo’d out of there because it hurt too much.

HLV

Only a month into their marriage, John is having wet dreams about Sherlock, and is visibly disappointed when Sherlock is not the one at the door.

John contacts Mycroft when Sherlock is overdosed.

Only to kick him out shortly after because he is upsetting Sherlock.

He tries to make Sherlock laugh and succeeds.

John’s jealousy once again, this time over Janine.

John’s longing looks to Sherlock.

John’s subtle “I want to come, too” when Sherlock mentions the case.

When John is searched at the flat, he makes a joke about his dick IN FRONT OF SHERLOCK to another man.

John’s immediate reaction to Sherlock being shot.

John’s off-screen acceptance to let Sherlock show him the truth about his murderer.

Mary knew that John loved Sherlock. It’s the whole reason she needed Sherlock gone, because John was starting to stray.

She didn’t want John to name the baby.

“John, you are addicted to a certain lifestyle. You’re abnormally attracted to dangerous situations and people.” [x]

Not really confirmed, but fandom assumes John left to stay at Baker Street during the 6 months we haven’t seen to care for Sherlock.

John’s acceptance at Sherlock’s plan for Appledore, even though it’s Christmas.

John not even flinching at the “damsel in distress” line.

John begrudgingly allowing himself to be flicked in the face just because Sherlock begged him to.

John’s horrified expression when Sherlock kills someone for him.

The Tarmac Scene, pretty much the whole thing. It’s set up like Casablanca’s plane scene, and John knows he has to let Sherlock go; he fumbles to find the right words to say to Sherlock. John, though, knew exactly what Sherlock was going to / wanted to say, and I think it hurts him that Sherlock never admitted his feelings.

TAB 

Because this episode takes place entirely in Sherlock’s head, I don’t think we should really include it in this list, but I’m going to anyway, since Sherlock actually picked up on John’s love for him. He knows that John will accept him regardless of his faults if he confessed his love for him. I think this is why S4 doesn’t sit right with me, because it completely diverted from this HUGE revelation that Sherlock had made in TAB.

Sherlock understands that John will always choose him, in the end. Again, another thing that makes S4 so OOC.

Also something that should be noted, running on the assumption that the modern scenes may possibly be real, John is concerned about the overdose and the fact that it could kill Sherlock.

Mycroft’s plea to John signifies that Myc knows about how much John cares for Sherlock.

And these are a crapshoot, because the whole series did a 180˚ with the narrative and John’s character. I’m so angry because I don’t believe for one second John would choose Mary over Sherlock. Anyway, here goes:

T6T

Sherlock is made Rosie’s godfather. I know that’s not much since there are two other god parents, but John absolutely insists to Sherlock needs to be there.

There’s speculation that the night texting is actually between John and Sherlock. I choose to support this theory because it is one of the few semi-in-character things in this series.

TLD

Ghost!Mary is supposed to be a projection of John’s inner thoughts, feelings and inner turmoil. Ghost!Mary often refers to how important Sherlock is to John, and that Sherlock is “his”. As shittily annoying as she was, it was REALLY insightful into John’s own thought process about Sherlock. 

The “romantic entanglement” speech. John is projecting here. He is essentially admitting to Sherlock that he lost his chance with Sherlock, and he regrets it.

John allows a moment of weakness in front of Sherlock, and allows himself to seek comfort in Sherlock’s embrace. As well, he allows Sherlock to touch him intimately; the neck is a vulnerable place and it’s very significant that John allows Sherlock this.

TFP

I’m not even going to bother with this one, since I think this is a fake episode. I think the closest is, given that I think this is in John’s head, he uses Molly as a stand in for himself, and he projects himself into Molly and his own fears for confessing to Sherlock.

Oh, and also if it is in John’s head, he pictures a life where he and Sherlock are raising Rosie; Sherlock has made effort to make 221b habitable for her, and John loves Sherlock so much that he believes and knows that Sherlock would do this for them.

Granted, it gets less and less obvious in S3 and S4; S3 because I believe that we are in Sherlock’s POV and he perceives his relationship with John differently, and in S4 because I believe that S4 is a false narrative and it literally took great pains to keep them separated for some stupid reason.

Finally, I’ve also written about why John loves Sherlock in past posts, because of similar discourse:

Why I Love John Watson

John Loves Sherlock!

People Severely Misread John’s Character in S3

John Was Scared of Losing Sherlock

Why is John Harsh in TAB?

Why Does Sherlock Love John?

I hope all of these help you feel better, Nonny, and please, everyone, I most likely will have missed many-a-point, so please add to them – I study Sherlock’s character more than John’s, so I have a harder time seeing John’s cues!