#journal blogging

[hungerpunch]

reflecting on past experiences where i mistook gleeful consumption as intimacy

i think the first time i felt the lens of her cells slide out from underneath my idolizing of her was.

i was 21. "i gotta go to bed," i told her, a sleepy blur. her eyes were the dark color of a perfectly packed puck of coffee for espresso.

"but whyyyy," she pouted. time zones away. skin overexposed on the screen. mauve lips full, mouth the beguiling pit of her plum-shaped face.

collapsed on my bed. i rubbed my eyes. "have to be up for class in two hours," i said, "and then after class i'm on dinner at the italian restaurant, and then closing the bar up north and..." i blinked at her, beseeching. i was so exhausted from a midnight shift at the ice cream shop after a full day of class. "i just don't know when i will get the chance to sleep again."

it was this moment. i could feel myself understanding what i would say, if i were her. what i wished she would say. something like, oh my gosh, go to bed sweetheart.

she kicked her feet, ankle to butt, ankle to butt, swishing the fabric of her nightie. "just a liiiittle longer?" she said. "if you go to sleep i'll be so lonely."

so i stayed awake. i just wanted to prove to her i was good. that i deserved her time. that maybe she would once more watch me among a group of 20 and slide up to whisper in my ear, just for me, how handsome she thought i looked that night.

when i think of this now, it blows me. because i realize i have never done what she always did to me. i never expect, much less ask, my loved ones to prioritize me over their wellness. especially something as basic as sleep. when she knew how hard i was working. i genuinely don't want that. ever. in my relationships. how could i want that? when i love you? real love is care. and i care that you are okay before i care that we talk.

the first seed of doubt was sowed. she didn't love me. she did not think i was interesting. but she liked the attention i paid her. the open adoration i beheld her with. my heart on my sleeve for her. my ears my mouth my heart my hands open to receive her in whatever way would appease her ego.

i wish i could say that was the last time i put myself in that position. but from here, looking back, i see that i was drawn many more times to people who would not bother to look at me before eating me and then expelling me from their interior once they harvested every nutrient from me. people who would crawl into my bed and undo my covers and press themselves against my sternum and force my heart to reckon with them. while i was just low hanging fruit to them.

bide the red flags. when someone earnestly asks or demands to be put above your health and getting your bills paid or your studies done, turn on your heel and go the other fucking way, my friends.

it never feels less jarring. to her i want to say, how could you do that me i was just a kid. to another i say, how could you lay in my bed, curled up in my arms, trading secrets. then one day gone. as surgical as that. as sudden as an on/off switch. and i have to see you everywhere.

to others, more troublesome things. some hateful.

[foxingpeculiar]

The thing is, I can’t think of an experience that would not be improved by sharing it with her, nor a person I would rather share them with. That’s been true for a very long time (like longer than some people on this site have been alive), and I just can’t quite get around it.

I commissioned a painting from her. I don’t know what it will be, but I’m very curious to find out.

It’s a long, slow dance. But she’s dancing it with me, so okay. Let’s see.

[girlwithrituals]

30 THOUGHT-PROVOKING QUESTIONS TO HELP YOU BECOME MORE SELF-AWARE

❦ how much self-control do i have with things that i know are bad for me, but tend to indulge in?

❦ how do i respond to someone who is different from me or whose ideals and beliefs i don't agree with or understand?

❦ how do i deal with being misperceived or misunderstood?

❦ how do i respond when someone judges me, makes fun of me, or calls me names?

❦ how do i deal with other people's mistakes and unpleasant behavior?

❦ how do i deal with people who have hurt me in the past?

❦ how do i spend my free time?

❦ how do i deal with negative people?

❦ how do i deal with stressful situations? do i tend to worry a lot? what else do i do?

❦ how do i deal with inconvenient life situations?

❦ how do i respond to situations that i have no control over?

❦ how do i deal with negativity in my environment?

❦ how do i deal with challenges in my life?

❦ how do i respond to situations that force me to get out of my comfort zone?

❦ how motivated am i to change my life for the better?

❦ how much do i follow through on what i preach and talk about?

❦ how do i deal with uncertainty, the unknown or a future event that i have no control over?

❦ how do i respond to obstacles, hardships, and "bad" things that happen in my life?

❦ how do i respond when i don't get what i want?

❦ how fulfilling is my everyday life?

❦ how do i respond to new ideas and new ways of thinking?

❦ how do i respond to bad or inconvenient news?

❦ how do i deal with the violence, hate, and suffering in the world?

❦ how do i recharge, rejuvenate, and replenish my energy?

❦ how much do i prioritize spending time and energy on myself and on my passions?

❦ how do i deal with change? new job, new house, new lifestyle, new people, new rules, new technology...do i tend to avoid it, welcome it, fear it, like it, complain about it, stress out about it, worry about it?

❦ how do i deal with emotional pain?

❦ how do i respond when plans change or plans get cancelled without my say so?

❦ how do i respond when i make a mistake or when i fail at something?

❦  how do i deal with rejection?

[malusokay]

how to brain dump like a pro

what you need

a messy notebook (I like the Leuchturm bullet ones)

a pen

a beverage for emotional support (or several <3)

how to get started

grab your notebook, and sit down in a quiet moment with enough time so you won't stress even more. The point of a brain dump is to unload all your thoughts, everything that is stressing you is put to paper. not aesthetically, no cutesy Pinterest vibes; we need it plain, unromanticised, and personal.

some prompts to get you going

do I have any deadlines coming up?

have I been making time for myself and my hobbies?

what projects, tasks, appointments, and/ or plans are currently stressing me out?

am I procrastinating anything?

am I properly looking after myself? (mental/physical health, skincare, hobbies, school/work, etc etc)

am I currently working through any challenges, and if yes how is that going so far?

how are my friends/relationships doing?

is there an area in my life that I should prioritise right now?

do I feel confident and comfortable at the moment?

Review and reflect

take some time and go over your writing; you can underline or highlight the points that you find most important. make this whole "brain dump" thing a routine; sometimes it takes a bit of writing until you actually get comfortable with putting your emotions onto paper (it sounds easier than it is..), but the more often you do this, the more comfortable you will get!! <3

As always, please feel free to share your own suggestions and tips in the comments! <3

love ya ･:*₊‧✩

[biscuitdolly]

channels for mental , physical , and spiritual improvement ♡

히니HEENY - makeup tuts , clothing hauls , vlogs

짜잔씨 misstada - vlogs , makeup tuts

A Coreana Beauty 소연뷰티 - glow up tips , skincare , routines

Alex Bondoc - productive vlogs , self care

bossgirlified - skincare , self improvment , glow up tips

electrasoul - spirituality , self love

Free Tea - law of assumption , manifesting , self concept

Garima Verma - productive vlogs , self care

Hinafit - workouts , pilates , dieting tips

Hitomi Mochizuki - self worth , spirituality , life tips

hyler - manifestation , self concept

Iyzah♡ - self love , self care

jaila abriana - vlogs , self improvment

Janika Bates - hygeine help , routines , vlogs

justina mendez - sexual help

lay luv  - makeup , vlogs

mei monte - wonyoungism , glow up tips

mira daisy - pink pilates princess , vlogs

Olivia Yang - pink pilates princess , self care

Persephonesmind - self love , confidence , life tips

SHOW NEMOTO - self concept , self improvment

Teaira Walker - vlogs , beauty , skincare

Thewizardliz (obv) - self improvment , self love , confidence

Vickita Trivedi - life tips , feminity

WokeupCupid - spirituallity , self concept

[studyaxis]

— some dreams of being an author & some tools of the trade.

[kitti-luvs]

[lost-neurons]

2.10.24 • finished my first book in spanish, read susan sontag's essay about interpretation for next week's class. slowly getting accustomed to studying again.

[ysaona]

[somerabbitholes]

i sold my couch and replaced it with a mattress. it feels like i just moved in, but also i love sitting on the floor and spreading out my stuff around me

[pinkgirlgems]

cute coquette like journals ♡

[hungerpunch]

scraping brain out

sometimes i get frustrated or genuinely confused about why i still struggle with my relationship to my body so much when i'm like.. mostly fine with it these days. why do i still pick my face until it's bloody everywhere when i'm stressed. why do i pull the skin off my lips until they're bleeding and swollen. why am i so, so afraid of being looked at, why does attention make my skin crawl, why do i cringe when people talk about me even if it's positive?

it's like my brain routinely suppresses the reasons and then i remember. oh yeah. i was violently bullied from the ages of 8-18. i was physically attacked by kids of all genders. i was stalked. i was hurt. i was humiliated at every opportunity. verbally degraded at every opportunity. oh yeah, in seventh grade i came to school and someone had tacked up a list of ugliest kids in the grade and i was number three. oh yeah, a girl stole my journal out of my backpack and read pages aloud in the cafeteria to a rapt and mocking audience. everything about me was an easy target. i was super short. i had a flat chest. then i got glasses. then i got acne. then i got braces. my hair was always frizzy and could not be tamed. i was queer and they knew it before i did. they smelled my fear. they were amused by my anger when i tried to fight back. it wasn't even just in school. they appeared at my softball games. they followed me home. i was dragged through a creek, crying and full of thorns from bushes. i was pushed down into a ravine and when i climbed back up they pushed me back down, again and again until it got dark and they had to go home. i was chased and pinned and pinched and spat on and sat on and laughed at and laughed at and laughed at. i had my phone number printed on hundreds of pieces of paper and scattered all over the high school, all over the parking lot, with salacious rumors attached. i had to change my number. people asked me on dates as a joke. people asked me to dances then stood me up, collecting bets from their friends. they drove their cars along the sidewalk and screamed slurs at me. during class they blew spitballs into my hair and my face. they called me dirty because of my acne even though i was sitting in monthly dermatologist appointments, trying new things, obsessively cleaning myself.

adults saw and did nothing. in fact when my attempts to defend myself occasionally drew blood from my abusers, i was the one reprimanded. i couldn't bring myself to tell my parents the extent of it because they thought i was tough and i wanted to be tough. i didn't want to be soft. i didn't want to need help. i didn't want to change schools and leave my handful of friends.

and this is just school kids. i can't even get into family.

i have had profound healing via therapy, about reuniting with my younger self and loving them unconditionally. i know i protected me because nobody else did. i get confused about the way my adult self moves and reacts because my brain keeps this all under a lid, so i can function. then i remember. i get frustrated because i think, shouldn't i be healed by now. shouldn't i be past this. shouldn't i be better adjusted. but the truth is, no. i still haven't let this poison from my blood enough. i think it's important to understanding me as a person. i think it's important to understanding my perspective. i think it's important to understanding i didn't have anything remotely close to a normal childhood. i think it's okay that it still plagues me. i think it's okay.

[nyancrimew]

new article by me!

a cultural journalism deep dive into an increasingly weird internet community rabbit hole, created with some research help by @cryptotheism and their editor!

content warnings: slurs, xenophobia, suicide/self harm, grooming, eating disorders, cults, femcel culture, edgelord shit, NFTs

[lottiestudying]

12.11.2023—had a few slow study days to deal with my mental health. had some time to think through my analysis, so have some more clarity there. hopefully this week i can finish a second full first draft

[malusokay]

end of summer journaling prompts 𝜗𝜚˚⋆

Which month of summer was most memorable to you and why?

At what point do you feel like summer is over?

Top 3 summer memories?

How do you plan to spend the last summer days?

Have you made vacation friends, and if so, have you stayed in touch with them?

Top 3 summer fruits?

What is your favourite summer beauty ritual?

Does time feel like it's moving faster or slower in summer?

What is something that you wanted to do all summer but haven't done yet?

Top 3 summer songs this year? make a playlist!!

How did your routine change over the summer?

What habits did you pick up this summer, and what do you want to continue in the upcoming school year?

Summarise the entire summer in just 1 word!!

3 unpopular summer opinions?

How would you rank all four seasons now that summer is coming to an end?

Do you feel the "summertime sadness"?

hey dolls I hope August is treating you all with plenty of kindness!! for me, this has probably been the busiest month so far, trying to manage moving, work, school, and relationships while also enjoying summer to the fullest!!

As always, please feel free to share your own prompts or even your summer highlights in the comments! <3

✩‧₊*:・love ya ･:*₊‧✩

[biscuitdolly]

hobbies to try out ♡

hobbies are such a great way to spend your time rather than being on technology all the time. It's great to have a skill, as skills can help you make friends, and can also open up new job opportunities!! here are some ideas, some are easy and simple and others are a little more advanced, there's (hopefully) something for everyone !!

O1 , painting / sketching

O2 , ballet (or dance in general)

O3 , sewing

O4 , reading

O5 , journalling

O6 , gardening

O7 , baking

O8 , photography

O9 , creative writing / songwriting / poem writing

1O , yoga

11 , learning an instrument (electric/acoustic guitar, drums, piano, violin etc)

12 , bracelet/jewellery making

13 , thrifting

14 , skateboarding

15 , hiking / exploring

16 , calligraphy

17 , pottery

18 , knitting / crochet

19 , pilates

2O , learning a language

21 , origami

22 , archery

23 , bird watching , herping , and animal/bug study in general

24 , mycology , plant observation/documentation

25 , start a podcast or amateur radio

26 , roller skating

27 , gymnastics / acrobatics

28 , cardistry

29 , terrarium making

30 , calisthenics

hope this helps!!!