#got sloshed off some margs at a movie tn came home and wrote this b4 my therapy tmrw

[hungerpunch]

reflecting on past experiences where i mistook gleeful consumption as intimacy

i think the first time i felt the lens of her cells slide out from underneath my idolizing of her was.

i was 21. "i gotta go to bed," i told her, a sleepy blur. her eyes were the dark color of a perfectly packed puck of coffee for espresso.

"but whyyyy," she pouted. time zones away. skin overexposed on the screen. mauve lips full, mouth the beguiling pit of her plum-shaped face.

collapsed on my bed. i rubbed my eyes. "have to be up for class in two hours," i said, "and then after class i'm on dinner at the italian restaurant, and then closing the bar up north and..." i blinked at her, beseeching. i was so exhausted from a midnight shift at the ice cream shop after a full day of class. "i just don't know when i will get the chance to sleep again."

it was this moment. i could feel myself understanding what i would say, if i were her. what i wished she would say. something like, oh my gosh, go to bed sweetheart.

she kicked her feet, ankle to butt, ankle to butt, swishing the fabric of her nightie. "just a liiiittle longer?" she said. "if you go to sleep i'll be so lonely."

so i stayed awake. i just wanted to prove to her i was good. that i deserved her time. that maybe she would once more watch me among a group of 20 and slide up to whisper in my ear, just for me, how handsome she thought i looked that night.

when i think of this now, it blows me. because i realize i have never done what she always did to me. i never expect, much less ask, my loved ones to prioritize me over their wellness. especially something as basic as sleep. when she knew how hard i was working. i genuinely don't want that. ever. in my relationships. how could i want that? when i love you? real love is care. and i care that you are okay before i care that we talk.

the first seed of doubt was sowed. she didn't love me. she did not think i was interesting. but she liked the attention i paid her. the open adoration i beheld her with. my heart on my sleeve for her. my ears my mouth my heart my hands open to receive her in whatever way would appease her ego.

i wish i could say that was the last time i put myself in that position. but from here, looking back, i see that i was drawn many more times to people who would not bother to look at me before eating me and then expelling me from their interior once they harvested every nutrient from me. people who would crawl into my bed and undo my covers and press themselves against my sternum and force my heart to reckon with them. while i was just low hanging fruit to them.

bide the red flags. when someone earnestly asks or demands to be put above your health and getting your bills paid or your studies done, turn on your heel and go the other fucking way, my friends.

it never feels less jarring. to her i want to say, how could you do that me i was just a kid. to another i say, how could you lay in my bed, curled up in my arms, trading secrets. then one day gone. as surgical as that. as sudden as an on/off switch. and i have to see you everywhere.

to others, more troublesome things. some hateful.