#jason and the goons

[clockwayswrites]

The Fic I'm Still Not Writing (2)

Part 1 that I totally didn't write.

-

“Boss.”

Jason looked up from the report he was going over to see two of his people standing in the the doorway to his office. They shifted nervously and he prepared himself for bad news. While he didn’t exactly aim for a friendly demeanor (that’s what being around as Jason was for), he did attempt to make it clear his people could talk to him. If shit was going to go down then he wanted to know so that he could get on top of it.

Like now.

Fuck.

Things had been looking so good, too. The new shelter would be up and running next week. The supplemented housing for single parents and their kids was doing well— Jason had been by as, well, Jason early that day to make sure everything was on the up and up— and there had been no new shit heads trying to sell drugs on his street corners. He should have expected for it to go wrong.

He tucked the reports away and leaned back in his chair before motioning the two in. Ralph and Marco, Jason thought, placing the two as they came to sit across from him. Ralph mostly helped manage the gym and train new people not to get killed— an ex boxer and coach from when times were better. Marco had just recently risen to lieutenant.

Jason had no clue what trouble the two of them would be bringing him together. Maybe someone did something stupid and needed more training.

It seemed they didn’t know where to start either and kept trading each other uneasy looks. Jason shifted, just slightly, in the way he knew made his chair creek ominously and watched both his men start.

“So, um, us goons have been doing some reading,” Ralph finally started. Jason wasn’t much fond of the term ‘goons’ himself, but for some reason his people had embraced it.

“Reading.” Jason replied, keeping his voice carefully monotone. Where was this going?

“Right, reading,” Marco picked up. “Found some ourselves and then Yasmine called us idiots and suggested some other stuff, but well, we��ve been doing reading. And we didn’t know if you had been.”

What.

“So, we, erm, well we just thought maybe we’d pass along the important bits?” Ralph said, wringing his hat in his hands so hard Jason thought he’d tear the seems apart. “See, when ya enter into a polyamorous relationship with a new partner, it’s important to make them feel included.”

What.

“Yeah,” Marco said with an enthusiastic nod. “And we get that you and Jason already have a rhythm and everything, but Danny seems like a really sweet kid—”

“Little feral.”

“Ralph’s right, little feral, but sos you, Boss— no offense. But he seems sweet. So we don’t want to see him be hurt none just ‘cause you aren’t making room for him.”

“What.” Seriously, what?

“Yeah. Sos like, in our reading—”

Holy fucking shit. His goons did reading about polygamy for him. Because Danny had asked him to share himself. What the fucking fuck.

“—it was important that you make sure that Danny feels like he has space in your space too.”

“Yeah,” Ralph agreed and then pulled an honest to God printout from his back pocket that he smoothed out on the corner of Red Hood’s desk before sliding it over. “Small things, see? Like making sure his favorite snacks are in your apartment. Or stocking up the bath products Danny uses. Don’t just make him use what you or Jason uses.”

“He uses a 5in1 bar of soap, I’m not encouraging that behavior,” Jason growled. (Why the fuck did he say that? He only knew that as Jason.)

It made his men pause for a moment before Marco gave a little nod. “Fair enough, deserves better and all. Buy him something special to use then.”

“What’s wrong with 5in1?” Ralph asked.

“Shut up Ralph, I’ll send you some reading,” Marco replied. “Point is Boss, You have to show Danny he's just as important. We just want this to work out for you, Boss.”

“Right.”

Ralph nodded. “We see how you two look at each other is all. And how Jason looks at him. We aren’t blind, Boss.”

“Right.”

“Um, right,” Marco repeated. He stood up and slapped at Ralph’s arm till Ralph did the same. He did reach out and scoot the printouts a little closer though. “Just, we’re here for you Boss.”

Jason gave a nod of his helmet before watching them scurry out of his office.

He picked up printouts. They did research for him. His little pack of supposedly hardened criminals (fuck the fact they were more and more becoming humanitarian aid) had read up on queer relationships for him.

Shaking his head Jason set the print outs aside and tried to get back to the reports he’d been reading before whatever the fuck that just happened happened.

The third time he glanced over at the printouts he gave up, folded him up into his back pocket, and stormed out of his office. He headed for Jenny’s, the 24/7 dinner that had survived in Crime Alley for nearly 70 years through sheer determination and having good enough food and coffee that no one dared fuck with it. (Didn’t hurt that Jenny kept shotguns under the counter and was a mean shot.)

The bell clattered at his entrance as he barged in and headed to the booth in the back corner. Bright blue eyes glanced up from the pile of textbooks and notes and Danny had the nerve to smirk at him.

Jason slammed his hands down onto the table, the coffee mug rattling from the force of it. Danny calmly picked it up and cradled it to his chest.

“Want to explain to me why the fuck I just sat through two of my people trying to explain some of the finer points of polygamy to me?”

Danny choked on a sip of his coffee. “What?”

“You heard me.”

“Oh Ancients, they—” Danny cut himself off with a snort that soon devolved into full on laughter. Jason gave up looming and took a seat as he waited the laughter out. Finally Danny recovered enough to ask, “Are they trying to talk you into it or out of it?”

“They think I’m already in it.”

It took effort not to stiffen as one of Danny’s feet brushed up against his calf. He was smirking in that way that Jason was coming to both love and hate— and that only seemed to come out around Red Hood. “You could be, if you’d give me an answer.”

“You asked to share Jason.”

Danny gave a little shrug. The motion caused the oversized sweater that Jason was just realizing was his to slip down Danny’s bare shoulder on the one side. “I figured you came as part of that deal.”

“What has Jason said about it?” He asked, as if he didn’t very well know.

“Nothing, I haven’t asked. I’m not a home wrecker. I’m not going to tempt a man to cheat if you’re not into the idea.”

Jason crossed his arms.

Danny watched him back from under his dark lashes.

This was insane.

“You know I won’t take off my helmet.”

What the fuck was he doing?

“Never said I need you to. I’m more creative than that, Boss.”

Fuck.

Danny's smirk widened.

---

Fiends, the lot of you. I'm still claiming I'm not writing this shut up. We're blaming the poll, alright?

The GOOOOONS. They're just trying their best to be supportive! They want everyone to be happy!

tag list, I guess? @addie-lover-of-stories @bathildaburp @d4ydr34min9 @sometimesthingsfallapart @idfk-man10 @vythika96 @worthlesswall @aroranorth-west @chrysanthemum9484 @ver-444 @impulsiveasshole @meira-3919 @lazy-bouqet @cryinginthevoid @thegatorsgoose @cutelittlebeanie @blankliferain @ramblingkat @ailithnight

They're absurd, you're all absurd. ...okay I'm absurd too. Stay delightful, my darlings.

Edit: master post of parts I didn't write. Nope.

[glitter-stained]

Random goon: Hey boss, were you the one to pick that name as an alias? And why this one?

Red Hood : I used to have another name, before... A long time ago. But that person is dead now. I get to choose for myself now, they can't take that from me. I won't let them.

Goon: Huh.

***

Random Goon: Say boss, why do you never take off your shirt in front of us?

Red Hood: Well uh, I actually have that really fucked scar on my chest and I'm not comfortable with...

Random Goon: Don't worry boss, we get it, you don't have to explain yourself to us.

***

Red Hood, high on some toxin: God, I wish my family...

Random Goon (on boss-sitting duty): why not try reaching out to them?

Red Hood: They would never accept me as I am now... They wouldn't agree with my so-called "life choices". Besides, they don't miss me, they miss the person they think I used to be... I wasn't even a man when I last saw them.

Random Goon: Damn boss, that sucks.

***

And then the goons throw the Red Hood a party on trans visibility day and Jason is so confused he straight up cries.

[fanaticalthings]

Jason Todd with his goons:

[danidoodels]

tim needed a disguise quick and it was the only viable option unfortunately

[violent138]

While I'm sure bad guys in Gotham have learned over time that the Bats don't kill, that even after bashing your teeth in they'll flag down an ambulance or dump you unceremoniously at the ER, it's still a shaky trust.

One that is easily shaken seeing a child wielding a sword in the dead of night; nobody wants to learn how that is handled nonlethally. Or bad guys just surrendering one late night after running into an alley and Nightwing's standing over their unconscious buddy, holding the gun he wrestled away. They watch Red Hood break into the place they're robbing with a crowbar in hand and just decide they'd rather not chance it. They see a shadow that could be Black Bat and-- you get it.

[morganbritton132]

There comes a time in every Robins life where they realize that crying will actually get them out of this.

[allthegothihopgirls]

old ladies love red hood NOT because he helps them cross roads and seems like a charming young man. they love him because at the end of the night, when he's crouched over catching his breath, head in hands in what he thinks is an empty street, or hobbling down roads trying to get home quickly despite sustaining large injuries, he reminds them of their grandsons.

he gets invited into their homes, and knows better than to decline. he'll sit down and wait to be berated by the old lady at the other side of the kitchen who's putting together a quick meal for him. he'll take off the helmet, and that's when she starts, not telling him to stop what he does, but to take better damn care of himself. he'll apologise and promise, as he's fixing himself up with her first aid kit.

as he leaves she'll still be making firm, although loving remarks at him, but he smiles underneath the helmet because he's being treated like a man, not a hero, a villain, or any of the other inhuman titles he's picked up over the years.

[bodyfrmabalcony]

jason's autopsy scars cause some confusion at the red hood annual pool party

[dragonpyre]

It's canon (to me) that Jason Todd has a baby face

Commission info ko-fi

[puppetmaster13u]

Prompt 283

Now Jason would like it known that there was no mpreg situation going on. He isn’t even sure where people got that idea in the first place. Sure, he had taken a few Cores from the goons-in-white who had dared to set up in his turf. 

And sure maybe the excess energy from the pit (no wonder he’d been so irritable) was what said baby halfas (Okay, so they’re half human? Alright) had used to reform. And maybe the oldest is visibly less than a year old. 

But there Was No Mpreg Situation! He is this close to shooting someone! It was annoying (and slightly amusing) when it was just his goons, but now the Bats have seemingly got it in their heads! Dear Gotham it’s a good thing he’s not planning on like, ever revealing who he is because he would never be able to live this rumor down. 

[Winged Ghosts Au too, that seems to be getting lost in reblogs when it's just in the tags lol]

[wivelya]

Y'all know that tiktok audio about kidnapping that goes "shit got weird! I was with my hand on her throat and she looked me straight in the eyes and said 'harder'" or something like that?

Give me something like that!

The batboys fighting some goons in a warehouse. One got a lucky opening and got his hands on Tim's neck (why Tim? I don't know, but it's him), Tim opens his mouth to trash talk the dude, but his brain-to-mouth filter decides to not work that day.

Everyone freezes, because wtf?! Heroes and goons are shocked!

Certainly, they heard wrong. Nightwing, Red Hood and Robin have their comms and heard it clearly, but of course they're hallucinating!

Except that Red Robin is blushing and the goon he was fighting seems to be having a stroke.

"What the fuck did you say, Replacement?" Jason is the first to react.

He's blushing harder.

"I didn't mean to. It was automatic."

You can see a lot of bad guys mouthing "automatic?" with incredulity.

If you look closer, you can see Nightwing's soul leaving his body, because not only his baby brother has a sexual life with his boyfriend (you choose the boyfriend, be it Kon or Bernard. I don't care), but he probably just discovered one of his baby brother's kinks. That was something that he never wanted in his life.

And hey, remember that the comms were on? All of them had to hear Spoiler contribute her two cents with "damn Red, you weren't like that when we were dating".

You can hear Damian groan somewhere and regret his life because his family are a bunch of morons.

[glitter-stained]

Prompt:

After Red Hood stopped killing and someone leaked footage hinting that he's the second Robin, he expected to fight for every morsel of territory, for everybody to desert him and the murder attempts to triple.

And, well. It's not like he doesn't find himself in a rigged warehouse on Monday, walking off that one explosion with singes on his back. It's not like on Wednesday, a bullet pierces through a hole in his armour and he's losing half his blood in an alley. And sure, someone takes advantage of him throwing his helmet away on Friday (he was out of grenades and needed a bigger bomb) to fear gass him, but it's fine, he can function normally under fear gass nowadays.

Except. Except nobody deserts him. By Monday, the attempts have completely stopped. He walks into a meeting with his men and sees his goons' hands won't stop shaking, and even his lieutenant won't look him in the eyes.

Jason is confused, and so are the other bats, but soon the rumours reach their ears: you can't go after the Red Hood, because no matter what you do, once you've targeted him it's over, like a dog with a bone, he'll get you eventually- no matter how you shoot or how many explosives you use. It doesn't matter that the Red Hood doesn't kill, because the Red Hood doesn't die.

[fanaticalthings]

While I do find it funny that henchmen in Gotham probably warn each other about the Red Hood because he's a bat who will actually kill you. I think it would be better if Jason was actually seen as some sort of savior or idol to like 90% of the goons scattered around Gotham. Doesn't matter who they work for, they all know Jason, former crime-lord that took over majority of Gotham's underground in one night.

---

Jason, years after the events of UTRH, now fighting crime alongside the batfam, except every goon he runs into immediately recognizes him, stops fighting, and starts begging.

the first time it happens, Jason assumes they're begging for their lives only to hear them begging for him to return to the crime lord business so they can work for him and not Gotham's current money-stingy, abusive rogues (Black Mask lol)

---

Jason showing up to patrol as backup for Dick in an overrun warehouse full of Two-Face's henchmen and as Jason's about to interfere, one of the men stops dead in their tracks and stares really hard at Jason until:

Goon: Oh my God, boss, is that you?

Jason, pulling out his guns, about to shoot:

Goon: Mr. Hood, sir???

Jason, halfway about to pull the trigger: Wait a min–Jeremy? Oh wow, it's been ages! How's the wife?

Goon (Jeremy): Oh my God it IS you, holy shit where have you BEEN? Me and the guys miss you, man!

Dick, with a knife at his throat: What is happening right now

Jason: Ahh, well, crime-lording just wasn't fitting in on the daily schedule. Tryna turn over a new leaf and all that

Goon (Jeremy): Aw, that's disappointing. We really liked working for you, right guys?

[Chorus of enthusiastic "YEAHS" from the rest of the henchmen (even the one holding Dick at knifepoint)]

Goon (Jeremy): Well, anyways, I can't beat you up knowing you're my old boss! You gave us the best health benefits! We'll just let you take the evidence and leave.

Jason: Aw, thanks guys :)

---

And that's why 95% percent of Jason's missions in Gotham end in success. Not because he's willing to kill people or because rogues are terrified of him, but because 90% of the rogues' henchmen once worked for Jason and fuckin love him lol.

[batcavescolony]

Tim: I love Christmas

Jason: did your parents celebrate with you or something?

Tim: no, but while at boarding school my roommate wanted to watch Home Alone and I just loved the idea.

Steph: oh this will be fun

Tim: so I forged my parents signature and signed myself out. Took a cab home and set trapps all throughout my house. Now that was fun but I wanted to whole experience so I hired two goons to break into my house.

Jason: what the fuck?

Tim: they didn't get permanently hurt, I wasn't cruel. I did give them payment and obviously I didn't want my parents knowing so I just let them go after. It's was fun

Steph: sounds like you.

Tim: hey, we should do that! We have better training and traps! It could be Family bonding!

Steph: YES!

Jason: ...that does sound fun. I'm game.

[thisiswhereikeepdcthings]

Red Hood and his adopted goons but 19-year-old Jason taking his goons to the doctor because health is important and none of them have gotten a tetanus shot in the last decade.

The pediatrician wondering how to explain to Red Hood that she sees kids, not forty-year-old henchmen.

At least three goons sitting in the waiting area while they wait for the others, comparing their bandaids to see who got the best one.

One goon gets a Batman bandaid and the next week the pediatric clinic receives a bulk order of custom Red Hood bandaids along with boxes of Wonder Woman and Green Lantern ones.

Half the goons haven’t been to a normal doctor since they were kids so the one time Red Hood takes them to someone other than a pediatrician they are greatly disappointed by the lack of suckers and cat stickers.

[yamarvel]

obviously we all are aware that comics writers kill off and resurrect characters with such insane frequency and such little actual impact on the story that death as a plot device has been rendered pretty much useless. however. bear with me. killing jason todd off again is maybe the funniest fucking thing dc comics has ever done