#ive never been so worthless
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Inches from killing myself
#ive never been so worthless#no matter how hard i try how much effort i put in how much i change ill never be good enough#its never enough#what even is the point of this entire year. why did i even try. it meant nothing. im right back where i was
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#just needed to vent for a sec but oh god am i tired of people#'friends' both irl and online got me fucked up lately#mental healths been in the shitter almost nonstop this year#familys always got me up the wall#i just feel like I'm constantly treading water and i am *tired*. like so fucking TIRED#it's never enough; it's too much; no not like that; but not that either; it's all wrong wRoNg WrOnG#ik im sleep deprived and possibly pms-y and that is most certainly not helping things rn but...#gods i see less and less of a reason to get out of bed and bother with anything ever again#wtf is the purpose#i can't keep friends to save my life bc im apparently a fuckin doormat and interesting as unflavored rice or smth#how hard is it to feel like you maybe sorta kinda matter and aren't an unlovable worthless piece of shit#years of therapy; trying meds; everything under the sun.... and nothing. lows and highs and dips of every kind and yet ..nothing#and maybe im just very much in my feelings rn and just yelling into the void.. but it hurts and im tired of pretending it doesn't.#i hate how hard it is to make friends as an adult especially irl. and how gossipy and cliquey and gross and mean ppl can be#of getting called childish and naive and boring for wanting to be a decent person and having interests outside of partying#(not attacking those traits but tired of getting attacked for *not* being 'fun' enough or 'social' enuf or 'sensitive' for having feelings)#enough*#i just want to go eat drywall and stand in the rain and let it help me pretend im not crying blood rn.#like every cell in my body isn't trying to spontaneously combust.#'it gets better' ..yeah? when. when i was 14? when i was 23? when im 37? when im 55? 82? WHEN.. bc im so sick and tired#and no this isn't me writing a final note or whatever it sounds like; i just wanted to word vomit bc ive never been good w sadness#and ive got such an overwhelming amount of it rn i can't even turn it into anger & spite & use that for productivity... i just want to rot#to lie down and be covered by plants as i sleep and just slowly fade into a cloud or smth like it's a ghibli movie or wtv.#im like shaking from how stupidly emotional i feel rn. the lack of empathy these days is fuckin astounding#common sense & empathy are lacking in absolutely droves these days. some days i hate the internet & tech for its irreparable damages sm#but here we are and here it shall remain. long after us; and *long* after us ..... *sigh*#anyway ima go try to take a nap or smth. I'll see ya when i see ya. take care my lovelies#if u read all this i prob owe you a cookie lol
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people really do not know what they're talking about when it comes to Elizabeth Woodville's social status, huh?
#yes Elizabeth was without a doubt considered too low-born to be queen#no she was not a commoner and nobody actually called her that during her life (so I'm not sure why people are claiming that they did?)#Elizabeth's social status was not a problem in itself; it was a problem in the context of queenship and marrying into royalty#Context is important in this and for literally everything else when it comes to analyzing history. Any discussion is worthless without it.#obviously pop culture-esque articles claiming that she was 'a commoner who captured the king's heart' are wrong; she wasn't#But emphasizing that ACTUALLY she was part of the gentry with a well-born mother and just leaving it at that as some sort of “GOTCHA!”#is equally if not more irresponsible and entirely irrelevant to discussions of the actual time period we're studying.#Elizabeth *was* considered unworthy and unacceptable as queen precisely because of her lower social status#her father and brother had literally been derided as social-climbers by Salisbury Warwick and Edward himself just a few years earlier#the Woodvilles' marriage prospects clearly reflected their status (and 'place') in society: EW herself had first married a knight and all#siblings married within the gentry to people of a similar status. compare that to the prestigious marriages arranged after EW became queen#Elizabeth having a lower social status was not 'created' by propaganda against her; it fueled and shaped propaganda against her#that's a huge huge difference; it's irresponsible and silly to conflate the two as I've seen a recent tumblr post cavalierly do#like I said she was considered too low-born to be queen long before any of the propaganda Warwick Clarence or Richard put out against her#and the fact that Elizabeth was targeted on the basis of her social status was in itself novel and unprecedented#no queen before her was ever targeted in such a manner; Clearly Elizabeth was considered notably 'different' in that regard#(and was quite literally framed as the enemy and destroyer of 'the old royal blood of this realm' and all its actual 'inheritors' like..)#ngl this sort of discussion always leaves a bad taste in my mouth#because it's not like England and France (et all) are at war or consider each other mortal enemies in the 21st century#both are in fact western european imperialistic nations who've been nothing but a blight to the rest of the world including my own country#yet academic historians clearly have no problem contextualizing the xenophobia that medieval foreign queens faced as products of their time#and sympathizing with them accordingly (Eleanor of Provence; Joan of Navarre; Margaret of Anjou; etc)(at least by their own historians)#Nor were foreign queens the “worst” targets of xenophobia: that was their attendants or in times of war commoners or soldiers#who actually had to bear the brunt of English aggression#queens were ultimately protected and guaranteed at least a veneer of dignity and respect because of their royal status#yet once again historians and people have no problem contextualizing and understanding their difficulties regardless of all this#so what is the problem with contextualizing the classism *Elizabeth* faced and understanding *her* difficulties?#why is the prejudice against her constantly diminished & downplayed? (Ive never even seen any historian directly refer to it as 'classism')#after all it was *Elizabeth* who was more vulnerable than any queen before her due to her lack of powerful foreign or national support#and Elizabeth who faced a form of propaganda distinctly unprecedented for queens. it SHOULD be emphasized more.
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#personal#tag rant#im not sure if it’s just because of the general stress and shit that’s been goin on lately but ive just been losing it today#like i just feel awful about myself and my life and like i feel so fucking stupid for moving away from home just to end up working a shit#retail job and not even going to college#trying to chase some fucking minuscule dream that ive made hardly any headway in#like how fucking stupid am i?#and the worst part is i don’t want to give up on it#cause i know ill never forgive myself if i do cause at the end of the day i love doing it so much#and that just makes me hate myself more#cause i should just go and try to make something of myself and make my family proud and not squander my life and my chances#i just want to make my life worth something#and right now i feel pretty fucking worthless and everyone can see it#fucking failure#and like i know the obvious answers are to just change it#don’t like your life? change it!#i jusy don’t know how when i feel like this#i just don’t know what to do#negativity#delete later
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i genuinely need to be put down like a dog i cant do this anymore man holy shit
#yall dont know the meaning of terminally online til u meet me#i hate myself so much its not even funny i am the most miserable worthless scum#my sleep schedule is 7am to 3pm all i do all day is rot on the couch and sometimes draw if i have a drop of motivation#depression is completely kicking my ass and im not even fighting back i give up what the fuck man#theres not even a point for me to keep trying i just want to stop feeling such deep despair 24/7 please#i dont want to die i just want the pain to stop so i can peacefullylive out the rest of this year before i turn 18 and its all over for good#but i cant even have that! im just gonna suffer the whole time thanks great#i wish i could just get better and fix all of this but i cant its not working we dont have the money to#actually get me the help i need to make it work. i just have to figure it out or die#i just wanna go back to ***** ** *** i just want to stop being lonely and useless#i dont know why im posting this shit to tumblr. its so stupid i should just be journaling or something#probably because im worthless selfish scum. idfk.#the last 6 months have been a complete blur. just rotting on the couch or in bed occasionally seeing friends once every other month or so#ive already wasted half of being 17 abd im probably gonna waste the rest too. ill do nothing of worth before i die.#even my art is ugly and horrible and not worth leaving behind. people tell me to work to improve it but i dont have the time left#ill never create any of the things i wanted to create ill never be a good artist im just going to die exactly like this#an absolutely terrible person.#the only people i can talk about the things that make me a terrible person with are people who are terrible in even worse ways#no one can comfort me except them because theyre the only people who know what ive done and actually do see it as less than absolute evil#because they know absolute evil because it is them. but i actually don’t believe that i think theyre bad but could be good#idk what im saying anymore#someone shoot me#please im not kidding#just make it stop#tw vent#tw sui#delete later
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#im so fucked. im so so fucked#i just woke up slightly hungover and took a shot#very bad development in the alcohol dependency department#and im trying to be like whatever hair of the dog common occurrence. however ik it’s way more serious than that#i fucking hate being sober to the point it’s going to ruin my life#but drinking is such a huge reprieve from the bullshit that i can barely care#im so fucked. lmao#ik i cld just ask my brother to stop buying it or keeping liquor around but i cannot bring myself to give it up#it’s always i’ll think about it tmrw. i’ll deal with it tmrw. but tmrw never comes#why can’t i just be fucking normal why can’t i just be happy without being under the influence of Something. hell not even happy why can’t#i just be content.#ive always been like this. i still remember my first drink and i remember the first time i drank to escape and i havent gotten away from it#since#idk how to. i think itll always just be like this til i die. i dont think im capable of not being this#i dont think i was capable of ever being. a person. to be begin with#i get this awful feeling i shouldve never existed in this form#and i’ll do anything to just feel okay. to feel relatively normal. hence why im here#fucking whatever my life is so worthless anyway may as well just drink myself to death honestly
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if i had a nickel for every time ive had a mental breakdown over painting trees, id have two nickels Which isn't a lot, but its weird that it happened twice
#painting trees just reminds me that in fact i am Not a good artist and ive been lying to everyone#painting trees makes me never want to draw again i feel so fucking stupid and worthless
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Actually cry so goddamn hard when I think about Shinjiro Aragaki healing and being loved and having to learn to be okay with himself and being taken care of
#writing him has just been like. OOOOWOEOEOEOOE i piss tears i cant handle this shit this gay ass shit#i came up with an idea for just like a cute short one shot i wanna do soon and hnnnghh im so emo about it#very healing its like very hard to write some of the shit im gonna be writing cuz basically#some of it is just a little too real man and while i crave the angst and the drama i am just like#AND THEN EVERYONE HOLDS HANDS AND ITS OKAY PLEASE DONT CRY PLEASE#and ive mentioned how shinji has accidentally become nb to me now because i just kinda happened to write him that way without meaning to#and now another thing im noticing is that in my fic hes kinda bpd coded#it definitely wasnt intentional but now im accepting it as truth no one can stop me#i just really need him to be happy its more important to me than anything else man i need it for me#and he needs to be gay with aki they need to kissy and i think its funny cuz even in the parts where shinji is mad at aki and pushing him#away its like. he kinda has it bad lol and its clear he feels no actual hatred towards aki but more just self deprecation because he doesnt#feel good enough and like idk i just think about their respective roles in society like#aki is an honor student star boxer hero very attractive very kind very popular got adopted by a rich family#hes going places you know meanwhile shinji is a drop out who never had a family ever hes homeless hes sketchy hes on drugs#his reputation couldnt be any worse and he just leans into it and feels he has no future and hes worthless garbage#and aki could literally have anyone he wants you know he has an army of girls pining over him but he doesnt want them#HE WANTS SHINJI AND NO ONE ELSE HE SPENDS YEARS CHASING AFTER HIM#and shinji HATES it hes trying so hard to push him away and be the crusty delinquent and make aki see how worthless he really is#but aki just doesnt stop he loves him so much makes me sick SICK#and shinji really loves him back hes like not gonna shut up ever about aki hes like either doing it in a gay ass annoyed way#or hes like ��haha omg aki is so cute though hes always trying so hard to be tough but hes just so sweet and gentle you know i hope he#doesnt push himself too hard if he got hurt id fall apart hes so silly i hope hes eating good i desire him carnally’#yeah sorry gamers this is just a pairing i cant be normal about they mean so much to me personally the fate of the world rests upon them
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have y’all read allison rumfitt? y’all know abt her?
#brainwyrms was pure psychic damage but tell me im worthless has been on my tbr for literal years#& they finally released it in the usa so im libbying it rn and bro.#it turns out vulgar spiraling stream of consciousness is her Style & not brainwyrms specific#& idk man!#not sure its super affective!#saying something fucked and then going ‘isnt that fucked up?’ doesn’t really work i dont think like yeah dude sure is!#i dont even remembered how i found out abt her like ive never seen anyone talk abt her#which is wild bc her stuff is so ⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️#i will probably keep reading her work despite all this bc she makes me Think & im fascinated#glass reads
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having a normal one tonight boys <- me when i'm lying
#thinking about that post about how loneliness begets lonely#because whouhh. yeahg. it do indeed be doing that#genuinely ive just never been Great at social interaction as the world expects you to be#but im beginning to realize that ive never? not be lonely?#and for a while that was okay because i didnt know any better#and then i did know better#and then i wasnt good enough#and i didnt communicate enough#and i used to try a lot harder but after covid homelessness and moving like 6 times in a year#and being alone in a new city with no connections but my deeply codependent ex#i just. i dont know.#sometimes i genuinely feel like i dont know how to be a person anymore#its not even that i don't want to talk to people i just....?#cant? forget you can do that? gaslight myself into thinking what i have to say is unnecessary and worthless?#took to long to respond and its awkward now? cant think of a functional response?#how do i forget to care about things that i care about.#how does that happen.#why does that happen.#in so many ways i am doing the best i ever#in arguably more ways i am doing fucking horrendous#but i think this is probably the biggest one
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I miss hym. I miss those Good memories. I miss it so much right now. God I want to fucking die over it.
#dk speaks#vent#im. so tired#im so fucking afraid im hated#i made so many fucking mistakes i didnt even intend to make and now someone i care about hates me#i dont even know if i Should care. ive been hurt so much but just.#i didnt wanna be evil for hym. i didnt wanna be bad. but i was.#and now i know my social skills are more royally fucked than ever and i left without every conveying how much i Truly cared#i was angry and frustrated and confused and petty and neglected and cheated on#god i. i will never get over being cheated on. its horrible. fucking horrible.#i feel like i shouldnt even miss hym#i mean hy Admitted to fucking my wife behind my back in the past. hy must have hated me singe day 1#of course hy hated me since day 1#hy Had to have. i was lied to every single day. thats the only logical conclusion isnt it? hy hated me so the mistake was so easy to make#hy never loved me. hy just wanted her. that's it.#fuck hy didnt love me.#why couldnt i just be loved#i tried so hard at every turn i could to help and guide and comfort#but it was fucking worthless.#god why am i so worthless. i couldnt get anything right.#I hope hys happy without me#i pray hy gets better in my absence#i haven't cried this hard in so long#i judt wanted to be good#i just needed to be good andb#i Couldnt#why cant i just be normal
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#i really cant do this anymore i dont know what to do#i just want someone to listen to me i want someone to understand but i cant make anyone listen to me or understand#im a selfish person but everything ive done is for them. i did everything to go against my nature i did everything to not want anything#i dont care about anyone or anything i dont even care about myself. everything for them. and its not enough#ive been good i think. i havent been selfish. all i wanted was for them to be happy and have a good life and maybe if im lucky mine#will get cut short so i dont have to drag myself through all of this but its not enough apparently to do everything i can for them#its not enough to get the best grades and never go out and never talk about my problems and never ask for anything#i have to want something for my future too? how is that fair. everything for you and you say it was all worthless and wasteful#and everything i did is for fucking nothing and im stupid and telling me shit i already know#you dont have to tell me my hobbies and my likes are for nothing i already know. i asked you for your opinion because everything is for you#my life is for you and i asked you if my choices were okay because your opinion matters over everything#didnt you think there was a reason why i always ask you what you want and what you like? but i was being selfish?#theres no point trying to make you understand you just never will. theres no point talking to you#i can put myself in a position where im begging for help from you and you wont understand. you wont listen to me. you never have#youve never understood me when it mattered. you only ever loved me in the ways you know how and i never complained#i already gave my future to taking care of you because theres nothing else i can do. but somehow i make u feel bad for it. im being selfish#so i dont understand what you want me to do. ive always done everything you said. you tell me to shut up and i do. you tell me not to go out#and i dont. you want me to smile and do all these things i dont give a shit about and i do#and then you want me not to do any of these things? think about myself? make up your mind already#im so tired trying and trying to be a person you wont be disappointed by and i keep failing. nothing i do is good#and i cant talk to you about it or my brother or my cousins because they dont understand it. they never listen when it matters#fucking whatever#vent post#delete later#aricouldyounot
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when my friend is at work so i cant cry in call with him !
#ngl i genuinely cant find the energy to cry . im just making issues again man its so fucking stupid . i should just kill myself#he doesnt love me and he never will and hes fucking busy playing games with other people because im constantly crying and upset#and its like he doesnt care !!!!!! who do i even talk to anymore bc this is . awful#im trying so hard . i really am but fuck when everything is going through my mind its just#i just want to apologise forever but i dont know how to show that im actually sorry#like at least my ex was straight forward with how to apologise ?? it was just 'send me photos of your cuts and i know youre sorry'#but obviously i cant do that now LMAO#maybe its better if i just message out my thoughts and send them to him but its also like . its so obvious you dont want to talk to me#me : *nearly crying and about to try and explain why im going to kms* him : awful timing but i need to leave haha i will call you back ???#like im sorry but dont even bother calling me back :)#ive been clean for 8 days . its so pathetic#i dont want to hurt myself but i literally have nothing else to help me#i dont want to be a burden im trying rlly hard to just stop how i feel and im trying to be a perfect girlfriend who is only happy#but i just cant . it is so hard when all im thinking abt is how he hates me and how i mean nothing and how im always going to be worthless#i unironically miss when it was him being upset and talking to me abt it because i wasnt the one being emotional and vulnerable#like i was just there to help and make him feel better lol#i think ill be better after i cut bc thats what happened last time so#whatever we ball#jamie.txt
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hmm i think i am not coping. very well
#i feel like ive hit a wall in my ability to handle anything and idk how to hold myself together anymore#i see myself spiraling terribly but i am so exhausted in every single way that i cannot bring myself to care#and it’s going to kill me one day but i cant even care abt that#july was so horrible. so so bad it’s the worst month ive had since my dad’s passing#i feel so incredibly empty and stagnant and stuck i feel like i am in a tar pit and ive been here before#but i no longer have the strength to claw myself out of it#nor the support of others (irl i love u mutuals)#i quite literally only have my brother at this point and with how physically abusive he can become it’s not like that’s a relationship i#truly feel supported and safe in but it’s all i have#ive always been isolated severely by my family + the Issues have always made socialization so exhausting#i feel like im just floating and no one knows me nor cares bc how can they. i either just push people away to avoid getting hurt or i dont e#even try. and when i want to it’s a task so daunting and draining#i don’t have it in me despite knowing the lack of human connection is absolutely destroying me and ripping me to shreds#despite knowing a community of some kind would help#but i also feel like i offer fucking nothing and am worthless so would i even accept the help given to me. probably not#i wish i wasnt so intense of a person in every single way. and yet i will never be enough either#i feel like ive been clinging and digging my claws into my sanity that was not really present in the first place#ive been put through so much i couldnt cope with so repeatedly and so young i think by the time i wqs 10 i had already hit a wall but you#cant just stop living so it’s only compounded on top of that#it feels unhealable it feels like just part of me now.#i see a complete absence of a future for myself and i have no one to stay alive for anymore#not my parents not my pets not my friends and i dont know how to stay alive for myself bc it’s not something ive ever wanted#idk anymore. ive never felt so utterly lost and alone and broken lmao.#no wonder this relapse has been so all-consuming#dlt ltr
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#ive been keeping everytbing on a seperate blog#but i want to fuckiny mill myself so. bad#im so tired#of me#i hate me#i want me gone#i want to erase nyself from everyones brain#i want to have never been born#infuck up everything#literally everything#i need to die#im fucking worthless#and useless#to everyone#and i hurt everyone#by just being here#it would be so mucj better#if i just dropped dead.#tw suicide#tw depression
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ex is moving out as we speak 🤢
#ive been trying so hard to be understanding but im also so angry#you want to throw away our long term relationship and coparenting of our dog#bc u can’t sleep with random ppl?#way to make me feel worthless#and then u have the audacity to say how guilty you feel and you still love me#as if somehow i’m just being so cruel for being upset#for having normal human feelings#sometimes i feel like he’s a baby and hasn’t learned that he doesn’t get everything he wants on a silver platter#like the pain of being denied something has never really happened to him#but he’s so kind in small ways#and when it comes to the big things he can’t compromise#very confusing#sorry for overly personal feelings and drama ✌️
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