#ive been so miserable all week
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It's been such a shit week.
#kii talks#negativity tw#im so tired#im so so so tired#ive hardly eaten bc my mums been out all week#ive hardly slept bc of recurring nightmares#ive not seen my fiancée in a week now because shes sick and we dont know why#my depression & anxiety have gotten so bad that im just#always so tense#its 2pm and i havent gotten out of bed and i dont want to#ive been crying again and my eyes are burning#everything aches and i want it to stop#ive been so miserable all week#i hate living like this
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if anyone is able to help me out i'd appreciate it, im still broke as hell. this month has been really difficult for me. i worked a total of 5 days all month and my bank account is in the negatives again after paying bills and getting some living essentials. i dont know how im going to pay my rent like this. i applied to a financial relief fund from a local trans advocacy group but it's going to be a few weeks until anything comes from that. if you have literally anything to spare it would help me out a lot 😭🙏 i feel bad ive been asking for help so often and i know everyone is struggling, im working on getting my life back in order but everything fucking sucks and is difficult right now :( even just spreading this is a huge help
pp: paypal.me/bewearrr vnm: tobias_leviathan
thank you 💕💕
#im looking for a new job but i dont think its gonna happen any time soon :( my current job is fucking miserable#im working on comms to the best of my ability but i can only draw so fast and i dont want to injure myself and its hard to stay motivated#when ur mental health is tanking so hard#my physical health has been tanking too like stress is getting to me so hard i fucking started a period out of nowhere#i havent menstruated in like 10 years legitimately#im so beyond stressed i have to stop myself from panicking all the time#i have a bunch of work coming up this week but its nowhere near full time#they schedule based 'on performance' when youre part time and since im only here one day a week and they put me at the station i hate--#the most its almost inevitable that theyre using this as a way to get me to not be there. i dont think my boss likes me very much.#bc then they can claim my performance isnt good BECAUSE YOU PUT ME ON THE TASK THAT IVE SAID FROM DAY ONE I DONT WANT TO DO
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when i was in highschool one o my biggest coping mechanisms was drawing all the kids i hated getting killed and eaten and killed. and well. time is a slowly ascending spiral. you will find patterns.(i work as a blackjack dealer. gamblers are FASCINATING
#cw blood#luckys original content#ITS SMALL BUT ITS ART SO IT GOES ON THE ART BLOG#also wwaooooww its meee its my lil persona!!! i dont draw myself enough....#anyway i have bigger things in the works. im slowly but surely chipping away at a pd thumbnail for that pd thumbnail project#FINALLY COLORING. BUT COLORING IS SO HARD AND I HAVNT BEEN IN THE COLORING MOOD#SO IVE JUST BEEN MAKING RLY DUMB COMICS INSTEAD... OOPS..#idk if anything finished n polished will be posted here anytime soon. BUT i post wips of everything on my twitter#and i post jrwi exclusive wips on my slucky blog. you may look at those if u have Truck Art Wishdrawls. as many do. as many do#THIS BLACKJACK JOB IS RLY AWESOME BTW DONT GET ME WRONG#i work three 12-hour days ina row. i gotta take an hourlong bus up to the depths o the mountains and then#i get to stay in this delightful lil hotel that was built in an ooold hospital. its a whole casino town. and an OLD one at that#ITS GORGEOUS HERE. last week my bus home was delayed for 2 hours#so i finally got the chance to head to other casinos and try drinkin n gambling. lost ten bucks to a pretty girl. NOT the first time#i rlly wanna try it again!!! i love interracting w ppl and i love being inebriated in public bc im just so sweet and pleasant and friendly#and pretty girls LLOOOOVEE MEEEEE i think i just need to go to gay bars more#but theres fucking NONE HERE. HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! im collectin comrade queers up here tho#we wanna make a Group but we just gotta come up witha name first. i need something weird and strange#yknow i remember being in highschool. and being miserable n unmedicated. my mommas ultimatum was that;#if i dont drop out of highschool; i dont need to move out. she probably wouldntve kicked me out anyway bc my mommas sweet like that but#she REALLY wanted me to graduate. and i remember dreading that i might never do that#i remember feeling like the Resident Idiot. sweet but so so fucking dumb. it took me 7 years of strife n stress before i finally graduated#i remember worrying back then that i might not ever be able to handle myself out there. that i'd be too dependant on others#AND HERE I AM. DID U KNOW I WAS LOOKIN AT HOUSES A WHILE AGO? IM AN ADULT AND IM WWINNINNNGGGGGGG#IM RUNNING OUTA ROOM BUT HERES MY ADVICE TO YOU. BC I KNOW UR FUCKING SCARED TOO. THE ONE THING THAT SAVED ME.#THAT KEPT ME FROM SINKING INTO DESPAIR IS REMEMBERING ONE THING: ITS LITERALLY JUST LIKE VIDEO GAMES#MOST PPL YOU CAN JUST WALK UP TO N ASK A QUESTION N THEYLL ANSWER. THEYRE ALL NPCS THEYRE NOT REAL#LIKE IF U WALK INTO A BANK AND ASK HOW A DEBIT CARD WORKS THEY WILL HELP YOU#AND IF YOU THINK THEY HAVE ULTERIOR MOTIVES RELATING TO MONEY. YOU CAN ASK THE CUSTOMERS TOO. ITS JUST LIKE VIDEO GAMES#ANYWAY STAY SAFE KIDS HAVE FUNNNNN. IM GOING TO GO DO DRUGS NOW. HOPE U CAN DO DRUGS SOON TOO. I LOVE YOU
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finally back to lifting after a neck tumor removal surgery!!! possibly a bad move to start off this ambitious... but im feeling pretty cool to have done 10 unassisted pull-ups right off the bat! B) im a ways off of my past leg press weight but i'll work back up to it in time! (the bakery cant go out of business like this, i wont let her)
#my left arm feels d e a d though lmao#it straight up wont relax all the way#thats ok tho <3 she'll heal#god ive missed actually using muscles :')#'you cant lift more than 20 pounds for the next 2 weeks and no more than 40 for the next 6' ... WELL ITS BEEN 7 AND A HALF...#i did start to feel some pain at the surgery site :/ so i stopped and we'll try again later this week#but still!!!!!!!#glad to be back ive missed using my body#its been miserable just sitting on the internet and loafing for the last 2 months#and prior to that i couldnt workout for like 3 months before the surgery bc id feel the tumor pushing against my neck tendons lol#and exercise strained it#so all in all i havent worked out like this in 5? almost 6 months?#and i wasnt that consistent even before that#so its been a g e s since i really worked out my arms#so grateful to get to move my body again :')
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watching atarashii joushii wa do tennen for the BL but I'm amused at how accurately they portray traumatic work experience
a simple thing could be triggering
and yet it could easily be fixed with a kind gesture from a superior
#ive been working for almost a decade now and ive had a fair share of horrible bosses. so i sympathize with momose#the worst I've gotten was when i was still working under the government. i worked an average 80 hours per week and my boss at the time—#hated me and how vocal i was against his abuse (read: cutting off contract workers and passing the workload on the overworked paramedics)#so he digged out some shit on me from a year before (read: went on vacation outside the country without notifying the gov) and —#gave me an ultimatum: get transferred to another hospital or face disciplinary actions (and risk not furthering my study)#so i left#anyway. five years later shit works out just fine and im grateful for that. but it was depressing at the time#all the hard work I poured was wasted on the wrong people#oof im rambling too much#sorry bout that. still salty about that boss#i hope he's living a miserable life#chromie is watching#atarashii joushi wa do tennen#my new boss is goofy#momose kentarou#chrmz.txt
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xxx
#im still so fucking upset i deleted Autumn's save#but i don't wanna start him over from scratch that just makes me feel worse#and yet also i don't even like this fucking new guy i made#hhhhhhhhhhhh#i just wanna cry for a fucking week#this is supposed to be my happy place#and ive been having a fucking awful time at work for the past week#which only makes me feel WORSE#i wanna play the video game and have fun but all my options make me miserable#hhhhhhh
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Hm
#i think im being taught a lesson about how to deal with loneliness#was i alone today? no. technically not. but i certainly felt lonely even with my friends#a feeling i wish id left behind in high school#i was like AH. I understand now. this is loneliness ive been feeling all week#anyway what is the point of this post? i am simply tired of being medium miserable and am oddly glad to understand WHY i feel so out of#sorts. it isnt just the hormones lol its the general loss of community post old church#and the continuing revelations that things were NOT okay in fact were even worse than i thought at the time#like 😭😭😭 we do live in a fallen world. still. hate to see it
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i used to think i loved too deeply and now i dont love enough
#i used to think i loved people more than they could ever love me#that i loved too deeply#but now i cant even bring myself to love my partner that ive been pining for for years#i miss my ex not just because i miss her#but i just miss the feelimg of wanting to be in love#i used to get so giddy over calling them my partner#and theres just nothing now#im just...uncomfortable#ive loved them for so long and argued with myself whezher or not i wanted them romantically#even had a whole week recently where i was being miserable about how i wanted them#and now that its real#just#nothing#at all
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bedtime nowww probably ummm today qas not what i wanted it 2 be but its fine. i dont feel negative just a very very very numb day which is almost worse. but only almost 🙏
#i did get thr laundry done didnt fold it didnt take a shower#so thatll hopefuly be tmrw#i hope im able to do an activity with somebody tmrw.... the kids will be back at school so umm. no risk of weeman asking for my laptop in#the morning. or maybe me n lamp could play aa... idk#i feel like such a loser i go 1 day without bothering my family and im like wahhh im lonely. Can you shut up ..... we r better than this.#but wtvr. thats also a mean thought and i shouldnt be idolizing the way i lived last year. We were taking spongebaths and eating#1 bowl of soup a day crying ourselves to sleep every night and literally going weeks on end wo talking to our loved ones. so why am i like#We need to go back ! well i know why its bc i cant just let myself heal and move on bc of my stupid complex#and tbf i was very efficient back then. i ws able to do my spongebaths at least every 3 days and i did my laundry every week right on#schedule and i had a job....all it took was literally not being a person in any meaningful way FJFNGJGN. idk#it was very simple. its still very simple perhaps simpler (#no job) but instead i just feel guilty i guess. sbt everything#which i ws doing last year but again i was too out of it to rly dwell. i just cried at work a lot abt it#but now its like. i dont have a job to go to to focus on. my interests/hobbies can only distract me for a few days maximum b4 they become#nothing 2 me. and then im just back in limbo again and it feels pointless#and even when its a 'good' phase of something actually keeping me distracted from everything its like. not. all it does is ruin my sleep#schedule again yk. ik im literally the timeloop guy so u think id loveee Everyday being exactly the same over and over and over but well i#dont. bc they arent actually the same day theyre just reminders that everything does keep fucking going but im stuck. which is the opposite#of what i want. and what id have if the beautiful timeloop would simply rescue me. wtvr tho.... she doesnt even know i exist 😥#little joke. IDK. like i said its better ig than having a truly miserable day but. man. i wish everything was better#i ws gonna say like it used to be but. yk. ive been depressed since i was like 7 its not like. idk. i wish i was born different and i wish#my head worked and i wish none of it had evrr happened. but itis ok. i cant think of a funny cutesy alternative to put here so we will just#say nothing. yay
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...
#its crazy how much easier it is to do things when youre not completely miserable lol#this past week has been weird bc ive felt really really good and like normal in a way thats kinds unfathomable#im hoping its the medication but my mood was already on an upward tilt and i was told it would take like 6 weeks for the meds to work#property but like ive been sleeping way more than usual. and by that i literally just mean 8hrs a night lol which is weird for me#like that never ever ever happens multiple days in a row. so idk. when i feel better it makes the 0cd way easier to manage as well#and im just generally not as anxious. on the more worrisome side i kinda just give less of a fuck so like i have an exam im not ready for#Tuesday and im just kinda like hm fuck that lol. ill go thru lil fluctuations of having a lot of energy too#like: i could run around in circles rn. i dont have to but i could. like yesterday i was out with friends and i was like bouncing up and#down while standing and rocking from side to side while sitting. which i kinda do anyway while in crowds but it was more to expend energy#last night i also got like 5hrs of sleep. so like maaaaybe ive been on the bleeding edge of mood elevation but for the most part it just#feels good and not destructive. like if i felt like this all the time that would b fantastic. its like oh so this is y ppl dont long to b#put out of their misery lol. depression? who? i dont kno her. sounds fake. but as soon as i fucking say that ill b fucking slapped back#down to earth. ugh. annoying. no emotional object permanence. i hope its the meds. if this is the person i am under layers of misery then#that is fucking so insane. we shall see. im curious to hear what the psychiatrist thinks of my brain when i follow up with her#i gave her my full dys1exia assessment which gives a pretty good picture of how my head functions. oh fuck i bet i would do waaaayyy better#on thise test if i took it in this state of mind. but anyway she has that on top of like 3 assessment sheets i filled out#dispite everything i still want someone to categorize me into a discreet box. tell me doc. am i really bip0lar? really really?#ur sure??? like 1000% sure bc my brain wont let me accept that unless its beyond a reasonable doubt. i just doesn't seem that serious.#i mean. it is but like ya kno. its not that bad. ay. this glob of mush behind my eyes runs me in circles#but for now thats ok bc i feel like i could run up a mountain or punch someone in the face lol#unrelated
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hey wtf is pomade and why does it make my hair do magic actually
#guy playing with his hair properly for the first time: WTF is this stuff. have u guys seen this shit.#pomade and hair spray and mousse and leave in conditioner. and water spray bottles. are u writing this down....#ive been hyperfixating on hair care for a week send help#and I do mean that genuinely I keep playing salon for people and informing them of things they don't need to know. bc . fixated#hi i love you. did u know ur hair is super dehydrated and needs conditioner. and thats why its flat and frizzy.#did u know u can spray ur hair w/ water out of the shower and use products wet and that can help keep ur hair from losing volume from weigh#did u know u can change your hair part deliberately if its lying too flat to give those hairs/roots a break. again for volume#did u know if ur hair holds a curl at all. that means it is not Actually Straight.#And if you check in the shower you may find you have more wave than u realize.#I thought I had straight hair and I do not <3 at all <3 LMAO#went from frizzy miserable limp hair that flipped at the ends to suddenly my hair has volume and is much wavier than I thought possible LMA#anyways. oh god thts so much tags. sorry.#hyperfixation.....damn you....
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thinking about dropping a class 🤪🤡
#apple lady words#crying tw#im on the highest floor of the library ugly sobbing until my jacket and i dont have tissues so the snot and shit is all over and my face is#red and im so fucking miserable#this class is the one taught my doctors and it has not gotten better since the start of the sem#fast forward to week nine and here we are almost midterm time and i know like. fucking nothing. and neither does anyone else#like this class is the reason why ive been so fucking miserable all semester if i just didnt take it I'd be so much happier probably#idfk anymore lmao#i meant to say im on the highest *and quietest* floor of the library so I'm doing everything i can to not be loud and to shut up#🤪🤡🤡🤡🤡#i have like two more weeks to decide if i should drop or not and afterwards I'm stuck and i cant drop#🥴🥴🥴#lmao. anyways#tw negativity
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Personal vent post, how I tag things, apologies for this probably showing up in search results because I'm not censoring words (do not have the spoons rn)
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So I'm getting really frustrated (at the situation, not at individual people! Sorry to vague right after getting a request, I was gonna make this post like a week ago) that multiple people have asked me not to tag Bro/Cal reblogs as Stridercest.
Stridercest does not mean incest, it means Strider/Strider relationship. I'm tagging it for followers who don't want to see Strider/Strider at all (or for those who do, too, I guess). On MY blog, it has NO bearing on whether or not something is incest. Lil Cal has been a Strider since Day 1 to me, way before any of the events after Act 6, as a pure vanilla puppet. A Strider by marriage, in my opinion. But I'm not opposed to calculating the amount of Strider that got put in Lil Cal, as I've done before. You also have Dirk/Hal which is also Stridercest, but not incest (at least in canon, sometimes it is incest in fan depictions). Or Guardiancest, which I don't think counts as incest in canon either (but usually always is in fan depictions). Even selfcest between one Strider (beta!Dave/beta!Dave in a time travel situation, for example) is still gonna be Stridercest to me.
The ONLY Stridercest I add the specific ship tag for is Bro/Cal, because that's otp5eva for me, separate from any other Strider stuff (Stridercest probably doesn't even make top 3 HS ships for me). Everything else only gets the blanket Stridercest in reblogs, because I already tag a lot, I don't have the energy to add nuanced tags for weird Strider situations, and whether or not that constitutes incest, or which version of a character it is, especially when the artist/authors don't usually make the difference explicitly stated in their own caption/tags, and sometimes it's vague on purpose! (I'm currently writing a fic where Bro and Dirk are the same person! I'm not gonna make the distinction a big deal.)
It's mostly frustrating because then I have to decide if untagging the relationship as Stridercest is going to make someone else following me uncomfortable who will then see it untagged.
Going forth, I am going to delete whatever reblog I made if I get this request from someone else again. I'm trying to remember names, so I don't reblog any future content that would conflict with their requests, but this has already happened with three people in like the past two weeks. Had to block one person for telling me to die because I tagged "Stridercest" on the post preventatively, as usual, because I care about tagging for my followers. (I literally checked their blog like 3 times to make sure they didn't have a DNI pinned, and I still got told to die for my efforts lmao.)
Literally, please just DM me privately (thank you to the other people who did, sorry for the trouble!), and I will either delete the reblog, or block you if you request that. I'm not TRYING to make people uncomfortable, which is the whole reason why I tag it to begin with.
So, I'm not un-tagging shit anymore, it's delete only from now on. I'm not going against my own blog rules I set both to try and accommodate my followers, and to make searching my blog easier for myself. (Used to not tag anything from like 2011-2016 or later, and I'm still in the process of back-tagging everything, since it's been so frustrating to find old fandom posts.)
#unrelated but if you need me to tag something else ill try and accommodate it#im just not differentiating all the stridercest ships in tags its not possible the artists dont always make the distinction known#im still tagging shit ppl asked me to in 2012 and i dont think ive seen them interact with me in years lmao#if i miss a tag on something u can dm me sometimes i forget to tag hs on things bc in trying to tag all the characters in a group#id rather over-tag something than under-tag it since this function is available on this site#i should make a pinned post or something explaining my other tags honestly but i dont think enough people care#its just ughhh its prob gonna take pc use to navigate my official about me page. which is an ordeal because i cant click to it...#...without using a mouse and my mouse doesnt reach to my couch where i usually use my pc#i hate that about mes have been made obsolete by pinned posts and the inability to see blog themes on mobile or by the share link#wouldve been nice if they made the option to put a button to the about me page accessible to mobile users#havent been able to update mine in a while ider whats on there besides highlights of my blogs#anyway i got irl shit to do rn i spent way too much time explaining all this ugh it takes me so long to type anything#Cori.exe#Post.exe#im about to have like the worst week of my life btw pls send prayers that i can physically attend all the appointments i have this week#i can hardly lift a cup of water to my mouth im in so much fucking pain and its humiliating and miserable#its not even the endo this time its my back and idk what triggered it. must have been built up bc of all the stress i put on it...#...over the past like 3 weeks of doing backbreaking activities that needed to be done. i hate this so much lol
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Girl why have I been so fucked up this past week or so I rlly thought I was beyond this
#i think ive just been understimulated so im going crazy#i need to block out time for 1) thoughtful repose + study 2) the club#<- not literally the club (probably?) but like some sort of social activity definitely#i tried complaining abt this to my mom and my bf today and they were both like. well dont think abt things so much.#which isnt helpful and i also think thats a one way ticket to becoming a complete dipshit#my brain needs to be active for me to be happy and if its not i start hyper analyzing every single social interaction i have#through the lense of power relations#which is like. im right about it but its NOT good for my mental well being lol.#ive been kind of a miserable bitch!#i did get to go hiking this week though and i'll probably go fishing again this weekend so its not all bad#im not being completely sedentary or anything i just need /more/#i begged my employer to let me start earlier but they wont so i have to do something over the next MONTH b4 i start work#txt
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my throat is feeling Suspicious. do not do this to me. i have plans this weekend. please.
#i fucking hate being sick. this is what i get for Doing Things all week. its so fucking hot too if im sick tomorrow its gonna be so fucking#miserable... my flat does not do temperature control. i do not have ac. there is no shade on my fucking huge windows.#please. just be a temporary thing. i do not want to be sick#ive been masking all week and being very cautious WHYMST
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ah. the loneliness is setting in once again
#head in hands#it hadnt even been a week yet.......... cringe fail brain cant function properly !!@#i spent exactly two (2) seconds in total silence when my wifi temporarily cut out earlier and instantly felt miserable#i miss my puppyyyyyyyyy i miss him so muchhhh#hoping work fixes this by making me be around other people for 8 hours and also like. keeping me occupied for 8 hrs#ive reached the point where like. i need 2 keep being busy. but all the things i need 2 do sound soooooo unappealing#i do not want to organize things anymore. i do not want to hang stuff on the walls anymore.#like i do want to do those things so my brain feels better about the space im living in. i know they Need to be done. but also. i dont wanns#anyway. im doing ok im doing fine i promise. i just miss my dog#and all my watch later videos on yt are like an hour+ long and are not holding my attention very well
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