#ive been drawing so much of these two its unhealthy

[sea-side-spectre]

Re-Animator: Out of Context

i made this for my BF and he enjoyed it alot

so now you guys have it

[chirpchangeling]

2, 12, 24 for Dantoinette? :3c

2. Favorite canon thing about this character?

A lot about Dani is fascinating but i think an underdiscussed element ive been enjoying thinking about lately is her subtly complicated relationship to gender? Because she's a woman but she carries so strongly with her this almost stereotypically masculine facade- her unhealthy relationship to achievement, heirarchy and competition, the sharpening herself as self-reliant, her fixation on not being put in a place of vulnerability or weakness, her performative tendency to try to repress or reject feelings or expressions of them that are too 'soft' casually, only allowing herself to express them when The Moment Calls For It™️ thus causing her distress to only bubble to the surface freely as anger, the protagonist syndrome- we've written paragraph after paragraph about these traits of hers and why she has them and how they effect her, but if she were a male character with them we could very easily just say 'toxic masculinity is eating him tf alive lmao' and leave it at that. And even if it was accidental, It doesnt feel like its a coincidence that Prism's idea of 'fixing' her forcibly leaves those unpalatable traits behind and also forces her to behave Unnaturally and Distinctly More Feminine in a way thats very Not Dani, and deliberately calls attention to her Girlhood and the roles typically ascribed to a Girl™️ in a narrative ('only good guys get the girl!' Prism chauvinism moment) and whatnot. Not to reference utena, (and im rambling at this point,) but shes got a little bit of the 'a girl cannot become a prince. A girl who fails to be a princess becomes a witch' going on, yknow? Its about the """""""failed""""""" womanhood, yknow?

12. What's a headcanon you have for this character?

Prior to the bloodsport career i do think Dani dabbles or dabbled in other sports as a teenager, particularly team sports like basketball or baseball, but they usually didn't stick because she played too rough or struggled with being a good team player. and that stuck in her craw a little bit.

Another is that her and larry's pre-fame old friends relationship as shithead teens often involved things like meeting up in the middle of the night in abandoned parking lots to take turns smashing lightbulbs with a bat or getting into friendly knife fights in the woods or trespassing and climbing things illegally, all of which occasionally devolved into vent sessions. mae and gregg night in the woods vibes

24. What other character from another fandom of yours that reminds you of them?

Hard to say, theres a lot of characters i can see bits and pieces of her in but its hard for me to think of a character thats a LOT like her rn. the show itself has compared her to knuckles from echidna and riku kingdom hearts and i think i see their point somewhat. *gestures at the above* mae a little bit. Shes got a little of that losing-the-idgaf-war syndrome that plenty of characters got. an utena-ish manipulable naivete to the real natures of power, heroism and the performance of her own place in the world. But i dont really think any of those are strong thoroughly applicable comparisons to draw so much as picking out an individual trait or two they have in common each the rest of it being pretty unrelated, lol. As a full package, shes pretty unique, i feel like

[damnfandomproblems]

Posting one compilation of replies in regards to Fandom Problem 5203, and ensuing replies.

Anon:

Re: 5203 some of you are have quite the “piss on the poor” moment. That anon was literally harassed, a commissioner asks for their oc to be drawn, anon said no, commissioner proceeds to tell everyone anon is fucking fatphobic. Learn to read. Also dying at 30-40 when you’re like 500 lbs is just unfortunate reality.

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Anon: (in response to this ask)

No it doesnt but do you wanna count how many fat positivity activists have died around that age because they've convinced themselves its okay to be obese and that they shouldn't try to be healthy or lose weight, or should i? And I don't feel entitled to peoples money. I was confused as to why they commissioned me of all people in the first place. Go ahead and give someone else your money. You cant guilt trip me into drawing fat characters with the "they exist and people draw them" argument. I am very well aware of that fact due to the fact that i have been fat before. Not just chubby, but literally over obese. You don't get to make me feel guilty for not wanting to draw something i view as harmful, something IVE LIVED THROUGH, just because you want to feel justified in harming yourself. I hope you get better and treat yourself better instead of giving up and allowing yourself to wallow in misery.🫰

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Anon: (in response to this ask)

No ones saying you can't have an unhealthy lifestyle when you are skinny, being under weight and not taking care of your body's needs is not healthy . Most of your weight is probably muscle. Not all fat is bad and if your are doing sports you need a bit of fat or else its gonna eat at your muscles. The human body cannot live without fat. But only having fat? Being a hundred pounds over? two hundred pounds over? And its aaall fat? Look I don't agree with a lot of weight loss culture. It's greedy and predatory and often has unrealistic expectations. But just watching your portion sizes, cutting down on fatty meat, eating more veggies, and filler if your body can handle it, cut down on sodas and candy and just taking a 3 mile walk every day you can, fix your sleep schedual, will do so much to improve your health. You may not lose all your weight and it will be hard at first, but you will feel a difference. You just feel better as a human being when you are taking care of yourself. The biggest reason people give up on weight loss is because they want instant and lasting changes. And you cant have both without keeping up with the effort. You didnt gain all your weight in a few months, so you cant expect to lose it in a few months. You have to put in the effort to find a lifestyle that works for you and that you can keep up with. It takes years and patience and self control. And its hard work. A lot of people arent used to living like that. Its legitimately life changing. You have to change, you have to change your life in order to lose weight and keep it up. Its the same for underweight people too. Its hard on them too.

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Anon: (in response to this ask)

I am the one that said im skinny now. Skinny does not mean unhealthily underweight. I'm not skin and bones but I don't have much belly chub now(some people can't help that though due to genetics). I walk a lot so my thighs have a lot more weight to them. I can move around freely and have more strength and stamina and honestly feel better than even when i was a child. I'm not starving myself to the point i can barely keep myself alive okay.

Anon:

"Lack of attraction towards fat people stems from nazi Germany" Just gonna point out that it's not a good look to say this, then have a post on your blog (among other things) that say "Turks deserve to be called donkeys." I dunno. I just see a bit of hypocrisy there. If you're not trolling and you legit think all this stuff, pleeease get offline and find a means to scrub it from your brain.

[noxiatoxia]

Ummm first of all can I just say how much I fucking love your blog??? Ur brand of ouran themed bullshittery is ✨✨ immaculate ✨✨ and it's harboring empty space in my brain like a stolen jewel stg. also it is so fucking cool to see a fellow hikakao shipper out there in their morning glory like I just fucking shdudjdenkskaanhsuehdbn.. i've recently gotten back into my old ouran obsession and looking around the hikakao portion of the fandom all I see are a couple of tumbleweeds out of my peripheral rolling across a long since vacated dirt road like what the fuck its so hard to find people as in love with these characters as I am and I NEED to talk to any person ever about it or I will go insane. I just??? Have so many thoughts and feelings??? And I have a shit ton of aus and theories and monologues if you're interested :)

sidenote, but I also wanted to say that I LOVE your art style!! I love how simplistic but recognizable it is? It's hard to explain but it's just so visually appealing because it's detailed in all the right ways like seriously it's great :)) I need art tips so bad rn and ur stuff is straight BITCHIN like you can anatomy?? Hoowwww?? :'''))))

Anyway ur blog is basically the musical doodle ear worm to me except instead all I can hear is the shissou beginning guitar riff

THIS IS SO FUCKING NICE....THANK YOU!!!!!!

It's actually really interesting how many people have come to me about this, about being one of the Only active ouran posters esp hikakao. and like. im honored. hikakao is like the grandfather of twincest and i am so honored to carry the torch forward. yes i am 2 decades late to the party but hey i am with every fandom. and i like it that way tbh, i like being in a small fandom and just making connections with other people who share the same intense passion as i do with a goofy series. so ur message means a lot!!

ALSO YES I'D LOVE TO HEAR YOUR HIKAKAO THOUGHTS OR GENERAL OURAN THOUGHTS THEY OCCUPY MY BRAIN 24/7 PLEASE......PLEEEEASE.....

LIKE. there are SO little hikakao content and tbh theres barely ouran content IN GENERAL and when there is its tamaharu which FAIR I UNDERSTAND WHY i love those funky dudes but....gimmie our roots. i wanna see hikakao and hanimori. TAMAHIKAKAO??? everyone sleeps on that ship. i know most people wont do the two former bc #incest and its not 2007 deviantart anymore but i will not back down. i am in the yaoi war fighting on the side of unhealthy codependency.

also i'm siper thrilled you like my art!!! that's very flattering you find my art style recognizable! anatomy is hard that is for fuckin sure and tbh ive been drawing my whole life, so a lot of it just comes with time. i can give you some tips if you'd like, but really, everyone is different. every artist learns differently, draws differently, and there's no one correct way to draw a picture.

something that really helped me get better at art is to make an "art inspo" folder on your phone, laptop, or a discord channel in a priv server. when you come accross art you really like or find useful to study, save it. maybe you like the style, or how the colors blend, or how an expression was drawn. maybe the artist drew a really good arm or a difficult pose. save the art and study it and learn from it. this helps me immensely personally as i am a very visual person. i learn best by doing, second best by seeing stuff visually laid out in front of me. im sure youll nail it one day!!!!

[bpd4npd]

me and my gf arent talking as much for the past two or more days and its like! really fucking with me! i love hir and like i want hir to be happy but i think i bore v?r sometimes and that im like annoying to ix and all that baloney!

i recently stopped my drinking habit (which waass unhealthy cause id drink to stay happy for a bit then get sad again) and I'm at 2 weeks!!!!! which is AWESOME!!! and i mainly stopped cause whenever i would drink id overthink little things between us :( and the other part was its a SUPER unhealthy habit and i just cant do that i want ti be at least a little healthy yk!!!! but anyway i think im still overthinking those little things i just so happen to talk like A LOT and i think im just thinking v?rs talking the same amount im just talking like WAY more

its been like 2 hours soon to maybe be 3 since shi replied to me and im one of those people that are big in replying sooner then later, ive talked about it with her but gah!!!!! to no avail i think it'll stay like this!!!!! oh well!

whenever i feel sad i make like vent art but not like those deep ones just sad drawings of me being sad or sad text but i ALSO just draw because i can and i drew me and my pookie recently!!!!!!! shi liked it, i kinda like it, i just don't like looking at my art once i finish it cause I'll criticize it blabla!

the bracelets haven't arrived yet, they're probably gonna arrive around the start of november and all that but like I'm being pretty good at not telling my gf what the bracelets are themed off of because yk i want it to be a surprise!!! and im SO excited cause we had rings before!!!

update: pooka dooka JUST messaged me (amazing) apparently the movie had hir attention ix was watching elementals which is an AWESOME movie btw.. although i know how v?r is, ix wilk probably just like say hi and then check like once or twice and be distracted by something completely different!!!! anyways this is all for now this is more or less my current thoughts rather then my girlfriend but shis in here !!!!!!

happy halloween >:3

[scummy-writes]

Gonna reblog this one to maybe help folks be less shy about goin on and on about their ocs.

So! Ive been talking about them for a few days, but I'll ramble some more.

Anju - First OC for any ikeseries game. She was originally supposed to be for Shingen, and I used her attitude for some fanfics (there was a prompt response I did years ago about Shingen loving a prostitute or something? And the way the woman shut him down was Anju's type of personality.)

She's not for sen anymore, and I switched to her still constantly skeptical of any love proclamations, but now she is for Arthur and sometimes I muse her being with Theo or Vincent.

Out of all my Oc's, she's the most independent, but she also is so to an unhealthy degree. She owns her own place and store (she mends and makes clothes, very based on sen mc in that regard). It comes into play when others try to help her, or when she shuts out others because she doesnt wanna deal with peoples perception of her once the rose tinted glasses come off. Outside of romance, she is kind in an older adult woman kind of manner, where she still has very clear boundries but still helps when she can.

Amélie - a mess but more put together. I think out of all of them, i have done the most with her. Scraps of her story is on AO3 under Patchworked Pieces. Trauma is high for her, and recent, so it prompts a lot of her actions. She is for Isaac and sometimes Isaac and Arthur.

I think she is pretty nice... helpful, encouraging... in all honesty, as much as I love her, I recognize she is pretty bland and mainly just her trauma and the process of getting over it while healing with Isaac. There were supposed to be a lot of scenes of them helping each other back and forth. I think I've talked more in depth about her on random posts under the 'scums babs' tag.

Constance - wew. I am still working her out. So far I am trying to get her more independent than Amélie, but not an unhealthy degree like Anju. I am experimenting with an Oc that has selective mutism, and knows sign language- which is a struggle, as I am consistently worried about writing something harmful in that regard on accident.

She'a supposed to be for Gilbert. At her very first concept, before I was into Gilbert, she was supposed to be for Clavis.... well.... <:) sorry bud. She also has a few creative outlets that she doesn't actively pursue as any sort of career, just enjoys them on her spare time. Writing, drawing, poems occasionally? I thought it would be cute in general, but paired with Gilbert I thought it was really cute.

She's actually the first oc I've made a sideblog for, @c-bookwyrm . I thought about setting it up as an askblog, with posts in her pov, but instead I've been posting random short (short) writings about experiences in her life, as I come up with them. They're not reviewed, often I write them late at night when I'm having trouble sleeping, and... i dont know. I have 6 followers on that blog, and so I don't feel scared to write blurbs that sound bad. It's been a good exercise in being less scared of just writing whatever and not being scared of people being jerks randomly. (Which doesnt happen on this blog often now, but it has happened a lot in the past). Helps me fight the inner anxiety demons *nods*. Its smth I would encourage if you have ocs and some anxieties about writing, just having a sideblog to explore various things about them without any worries.

Now for Villains, I don't have an oc yet. But given my small experiences with the game, I think it would be fun to try and make an Oc that is... more angry? Anju does get angry more than the other two, but I think for Villains, it would be a fun enviroment to test that in.

Question of The Day

Do you have an OC for any of these games? Tell us about them! Are they romantically involved with any of the suitors, or just besties with your fave? Do you have drawings or descriptions of them? What are they like?

╰❧ Daily Q's can be answered with your voice- or your OC's!

If you'd like to suggest a question, send me an ask! || About This Blog

Divider by @/enchanthings

[notnctu]

POV | PREVIEW

━ ❝ i’d love to see me from your point of view.❞

❀ lee donghyuck x fem!reader ❀ genre - slow burn, fluff!, angst, optional smut (we got all the big 3 all in one haha)  ❀ details - best friends to lovers!au, college!au, ft. best friend mark, slice of life?, inspo from pov by ariana grande ❀ expected word count - 10k + ❀ teaser word count - 532  ❀ warnings - swearing, a lot of alcohol consumption/unhealthy coping mechanisms, sfw kiss scene ❀ synopsis - Donghyuck gradually falls in love with you, his best friend, through unprecedented intimate moments that reveal more than what meets the eye and a drunken shared kiss on your birthday makes him realize how hard he’s fallen for you. You’re oblivious to it all, trying to indulge and seek a one true love through bad tinder hookups or men you meet at the club, all to only end in self doubt that Donghyuck has to reconcile. And he always tells you what you need to hear, while also leaving out the part where he so badly wishes you can love yourself the way he loves you. 

a/n - thank u to everyone who voted in my poll a month ago!! here it is!! (the teaser anyways haha) i hope yall are excited for it to drop bc its literally something ive been so happy to write and just overall im whipped for a whipped hyuck LOL and also... wow im not writing a sfw fic thats just SAD FOR ONCE BAHAHA 

release date - as i mentioned in my poll, this is going to be released on my birthday as my birthday fic. im turning 21 which is a big thing for me and just anyone in america really lmao so i wanted to gift everyone for just being able to celebrate it w me esp with being in quarantine.. with that being said, it will be released on January 12th, 2021. 

lmk if you want to be on the taglist :) @infnteen​ ; @soliverse​ ; @tytae-24​

READ: PART ONE / PART TWO

“You being here makes me happy enough.” Your hand drops to draw the covers over your shoulders and Hyuck lightly feathers a friendly kiss at the top of your head.

“I’m going to be here for a long time, y/n.” As if you two could get any closer, he fully encapsulates you in his strong arms and your hot bodies mold into each other as if they’re made for it. The welled up emotions in his heart confuses him, but he holds you like he has the whole world in his hands. 

He almost can’t believe the pain that compasses him, nothing sharp or unbearable. It’s a pain that yearns to never let you go, never let you feel any hurt, never let your world stop spinning. It’s a feeling of foreign nature, yet you feel so familiar. 

“Hyuckie,” At the sound of his nickname, he knows you’re still badly intoxicated. “Nobody has ever loved me like you do. Thanks for being my best friend.” And you’re spewing intimate words of nonsense, right? 

Nonetheless, it causes somersaults to spin in the pit of his stomach and the effects of cheap booze mixed with your voice makes him feel like he’s floating on cloud nine. His grip on the fabric of your shirt grows tighter and your hand rests on the curve of his neck, sending chills down his spine.

“Can I ask for my gift now?” Pulling away gently, you search his expression for a confirmation. You’re about to ask him for something only he can give you, but without him knowing how much it’s going to mean to you. 

“I can’t drink any more for you, y/n.” He can already feel his headache that will come the next morning. Any more alcohol will tip him over the edge and spend his night in front of the toilet. And unlike Mark, he’s not one to hold his drinks very well.

“No. I want something different from you.” And when he ponders what favor you could possibly ask of him, you speak the unimaginable and drives his throat to close.

“I want you to kiss me. I want to feel a kiss that actually means something, not some half-assed kiss from a stranger during a one night stand. I want to know how it feels like to be kissed by someone who loves me.”

Hyuck speechlessly looks at you, wide eyed and gripping your shirt in his tight fists. You’re so fucking drunk. The words get caught in his throat, jumbled and scrambled at this inexplicably outrageous favor. He’s lightly pulling away from you, turning to lay on his back as he can’t seem to look you in the eye. 

“And you expect me to give that to you?” Sarcasm laces his question as he scoffs in disbelief, his heart running a loud drum in his ears. “You’re out of your mind right now.” 

But in the most majestic way, you appear above him and replace the view of the gray ceiling. Your warm hand on his chest only brings his heart rate up, the lack of light blurs your features under your shadow and your wandering eyes take in his flustered reaction.

[spaciebabie]

me questioning if i'm aro below the cut lol

i have only recently learned that ppl don't actually choose characters/irl ppl to have crushes on and actually feel those emotions

i feel like....the normalcy of everyone having/needing a romantic interest all the time has fucked up my perception of my own emotions lol

it was especially prevalent when i was younger, but i would just choose random ppl/characters to have a crush on cuz that's what i thought it was. then i would partake in activities that ppl usually did when they were into them (drawing self insert, thinking abt being w/person romantically, reading self insert, etc), but i wouldn't feel anything romantic while doing it. if i was excited it wasn't b/c of the subject of my, "affection," but b/c of the actions performed themselves. i would just have fun imagining romance, less intent on trying to live/experience it.

and now any sort of affection i feel towards any character/person i think, "oh so is this romance?" but i believe im misinterpreting

and what sucks is that irl i am a rlly shy, blushy, socially awkward person so for the longest whenever i had those feelings i would chalk it up to "crushing on them," but again i don't think that's the case. cuz when i have those reactions, my intitial thoughts aren't romantic at all (by my own experience with feeling romantic attraction). i moreso question if i am experiencing romantic attraction as a first reaction, especially if i consider that person aesthetically attractive.

when i ACTUALLY felt romantic attraction for the first time, i rlly held onto it to an unhealthy degree lol. i had just never felt it b4 so i was like, "omg unique feeling this feels good!" and even when the feelings faded i forced myself to "continue" to like them romantically. so when i would say i had a crush on them for "years" that wasn't actually true i just kind of pretended it was

it's a bit confusing honestly, but makes more sense when i think of how annoyed i get when ppl talk abt constantly needing a romantic partner. i just rlly don't relate to that, even when i am romantically interested in some1 I've never thought to pursue a relationship and honestly would b fine if i went the rest of my life w/o one

and ive been questioning of I'm aromantic for at least a year now? maybe two? idk it was around the time i started to question if i was ace (which i am and was much easier to figure out lmao)

i just think im mistaking being socially awkward w/romantic feelings

anyways, ive gone back and forth w/if I'm aro or not for the past few weeks. if i am i am def greyaro or demiaro since i kno ive felt romantic attraction b4. as of now I'm operating under the mindset of when it comes to romantic attraction, "if i kno i kno" so if i end up questioning if I'm experiencing romantic attraction im probably not. i hope that makes sense? it does to me and i think it'll help when trying to separate feelings

i have MANY thoughts, and it's very similar to what i experienced when i questioned if i was ace. they're following almost the same path of discovery actually, so if things keep going this way....

im mostly just vomiting my thoughts onto this post lol what makes this difficult is that i have a handful of moments in my life where im rlly unsure of what emotions I was feeling and its throwing me off.

[21ate]

drawing tablet ramble

its always been a dream of ours to own a drawing tablet with a screen. when we were younger, we thought having such was just too much of a luxury and it would never happen. id just have to get good without it. ill be the best artist WITHOUT a fancy tablet!

i did get better at drawing, its only natural too with all the free time i used to have. i even got some recognition for my art in various fandoms. drawing was fun and validating and i could do it any time i wanted. but ive since moved out, gotten a job, and living at a different pace than before, with stressors that are new to me outside of my rather emotionally unhealthy home life with our grandparents

now, drawing doesnt feel as intimate, as enjoyable or as satisfying. it just feels like a chore. in order to even start drawing i have to make sure im sitting directly in front of my computer screen, with my legs tucked under me, a blanket on top, tablet in lap, my keyboard pulled close. then i got to find something to watch or listen to, which is hard because it cant be too interesting that ill get distracted, but also not so boring that i cant find my drawing flow. after all that i can draw...but it still doesnt feel right when i put my pen down, staring up at the screen for the line i made. it hasnt felt right for a long time.

with my old tablet broken, ive finally concluded that its just not fun anymore using the type of tablet ive had for almost 10 years (god im old.) i feel like its holding me back from really being able to dive into a piece beyond a shitty sketch or two. i feel out of touch with what im creating and it makes me feel like a fraud, or like ive forgotten how to draw...even when i KNOW thats not true at all. im just out of practice, but its excruciatingly hard to even WANT to practice. i feel more inclined to draw on cheap lined paper than i do on clip studio paint. to me thats perfectly illustrates the point im at.

its time i upgrade to something more practical, more hands on, tactile - and easy to use, not just at my desk but anywhere (within a ten foot radius of my computer). i want to be able to SEE where im drawing and not just rely on my monitor and a bit of intuition.

ive had this blind spot for 20 years and i am over it. its time to do away with the old and do something brand new!

[palmett-hoes]

Do you have any fan casts or strong takes/feelings on the foxes’ appearances? Fandom tends to use the same Pinterest models, which feels wrong to me.

i do in fact! i've actually been meaning to make a post about how i choose to write all of the foxes' ethnicities anyway

but yes i absolutely agree that the typical pinterest model types u generally see on edits is not how i see any of them. nor is reece king or froy gutierrez or lucky blue smith one of my FCs for anyone

for a lot of them i don't necessarily have a single specific FC so much as i have like,, a general impression of features that i will see on various different people, who all may look wildly different from each other or who may not even look how i see the character as a whole but do have a specific feature i associate with them. mostly it boils down to the Energy i get tbh and that's just a Feeling i cant even explain

fun fact im a tiny bit face blind so that might account for some of why i'm so all-over about this

may as well go chronologically. some of them i definitely have more thoughts on than others

1. Dan

ethnicity: Afro Native (Sioux)

features: medium dark skin. buzzcut, killer fade. she often styles it in waves. she's very butch, wears a lot of basketball and cargo shorts, tank tops and flannels and jerseys, hiking boots. skinny but muscular, with a very rectangular body shape. defined jaw. probably like 5'4 or 5'5

FC/Energy: sometimes i get some dan energy out of janelle monae but more butch. lotta dan energy out of samira wiley. lashana lynch

2. Kevin

ethnicity: a lot of things tbd, but he's pretty multi-ethnic. i like the idea of kayleigh being half- or a quarter-japanese in addition to irish because it gives her more of a reason to go to japan for her undergrad. wymack is from d.c. which is a majority black city for its actual residents, but i also like the idea of him being Pasifika/Hawaiian. HOWEVER - and this is pretty important to my read of kevin's character - he's white passing, and has been mostly treated as a white guy who tans his whole life, like occasionally asked if he's italian maybe. learning that his father was a Distinctly Not White Man was a big shock to him.

kristin kreuk, lindsay price, phoebe cates, and marie digby are all half-asian actresses i base kayleigh on

i suppose i base his story partially on broadway actress carol channing, who revealed publically that she was a quarter black when she was like 80 years old. though maybe wentworth miller, a biracial actor who knows his father is black but also doesn't know him, is more accurate to kevin's story. then keanu reeves is a white passing actor with asian ancestry

also none of these people look anything like how i picture kevin lol. kevin is just like,, a guy. handsome ig. but kind of in a CW character kind of way

actually

kevin looks exactly like young jason momoa

3. Andrew

ethnicity: kayin/karen from myanmar

features: fat and muscular, very wide and heavy. this blog is basically all andrew body type refs. medium-olive skin, has a bit of a greyish tinge that makes him look a bit eerie or unhealthy. deep set, droopy eyes; looks so tired. flat face with a low-bridged nose. crooked teeth, especially his canines. natural hair black-ish but he bleaches it light blond. has the beginnings of martial artist punching callouses in his knuckles

FC/Energy: holy shit the characters i feel have Andrew Energy are all over the place. pedro pascal. babe ruth (yes fr). oddjob (harold sakata) from goldfinger. the jinn (mousa kraish) from american gods. gaear grimsrud (peter stormare) from fargo. takeshi kovacs (joel kinnaman) from altered carbon. and i wanna be clear, it's these characters specifically, and generally NOT the actors outside of that specific role. except pedro ❤️

4. Matt

ethnicity: cuban

appearance: matt has more of an Energy than specific features to me rn. that energy is Warm. he has that Warm bro jock dude energy. kind of a marvel hero build, hunky and muscular. very rectangular face. has this haircut:

5. Aaron

i get to cut myself some slack and not go AS in depth about aaron because he and andrew are identical twins

ethnicity: kayin/karen from myanmar

appearance: similar build to andrew, less confident and casual posture and body language. less apathetically murderous and more emotive expressions. better teeth bc his mom took him to the dentist. yes also bleaches his hair

celebrities: probably a lot like the difference between the characters and the actors. andrew is the characters and aaron is how the actors actually look. idk ive never looked at someone and thought 'hey! looks like aaron!'

6. Seth

ethnicity: have been going with half-vietnamese. considering looking into various south asian possibilities like pakistani

appearance: string bean build. that's all i have to offer

7. Allison

ethnicity: allison's very up in the air for me. she and seth are the two foxes i feel fine with being white, but im committing to having no white foxes sooo. i would say i generally see her as either half-middle eastern or chinese

appearance: plus sized and hourglass shaped. heart shaped face. taller, like 5'8 or 5'9. she has a pretty fraught history with her appearance and her parents payed for/pressured her into getting a nose job to have a 'prettier' nose. she also bleaches her hair blonde. she gets it done at a salon tho the twinyards do it in their bathroom

FC/Energy: elle king and nadia aboulhosn are my main inspos for her, esp body type but nadia esp in Vibes

8. Nicky

ethnicity: multi-ethnic. his mother is southern mexican Indigenous, possibly oaxacan. his father is mixed white/kayin

appearance: definitely takes after his mother while his father is white passing. dark brown skin, warm undertones. slightly stocky build. tall ovular head and thin aquiline nose. he's kind of just,, the opposite of the twins ig, so like their facial features look very different, which is a big part of why people don't make the connection between him and the twins alongside the difference in their skin tones, heights, and builds. nicky's build and features are very vertically-oriented, with a tall head, narrow-set eyes, thin nose with a high bridge, etc. the twins are horizontally-orienged, with broad, flat faces, wide-set eyes, wide noses with a low bridge, etc.

FC/Energy: yalitza aparicio, not a guy but one of the few Mexican Indigenous stars in the film industry and i really like her features for nicky. she's oaxacan

9. Renee

ethnicity: Black. african american

appearance: plus sized, circular/apple body shape. round face. dark skin. microlocs to a bit past her chin, bleached white and dyed at the ends. she and allison go to the salon together. femme but plain style, a lot of blouses and long skirts, practical shoes. knuckle callouses. about 5'6

FC/Energy: dominique fishback. tracie thoms, esp in RENT. gabourey sidibe. nicole byer, but not in Energy. brandy, for some reason, probably bc i think she has very serene Energy and is a little bit otherworldly. like if brandy played arwen or galadriel from lotr it would make perfect sense to me, and that's the Renee Energy™️

10. Neil

ethnicity: mixed. Black/Jewish on both sides. his father is polish ashkenazi and afro-brazilian. his mother is Black British and algerian jewish

appearance: very... sharp. like sharp all over. does that make sense? sharp features, sharp face shape, sharp angles to his body. he's got what i vaguely think of as a 'basketball build' not meaning tall but meaning very rangy and angular and lean. all limbs. seth has a similar build. lighter brown skin. he has waardenburg syndrome which is actually where he gets he gets his eye color, and his eyes are very large and widely spaced as well. freckles freckles freckles. freckles everywhere. 4a hair but at least during canon it's not very healthy and thus the curls aren't well-defined. he grows it out long enough to tie back and starts taking better care of it in post-canon. wonky, slightly crooked teeth, with a gap between the fronts

FC/Energy: now neil i actually have a ton for. mostly models which im a lil ashamed of bc i do try to draw more from athletes. alton mason is a main body type ref. mugsy bogues is good to see what i mean about the basketball build without the height. here're the boys: cykeem white, luka sabbat, désiré mia, Leo Hoyte-Egan, dylan hasselbaink, this beautiful stock photo model i've never been able to track down

i think about him every. goddamn. day.

in terms of like,, real ppl and not models: corbin bleu, especially during Jump In. figure skater elladj balde. rayan "ray ray" lopez from mindless behavior. A$AP Rocky a lil bit, maybe i just like his hairstyle idk

two more models i think are important: carissa pinkston and ralph souffrant

[ifdragonscouldtalk]

hey you do not know me but i want you to know that you do not need to feel scared about what you are feeling.

bad feelings come and go

even if right now you feel as if it does not feel better, it will not go away, one day it will. even if this does not feel like it is going to end, or that these feelings of depression will take over, keep your head up and push through this because one day you are going to look back on yourself and be immensely proud of how strong you are, how brave you were for going through what you did.

depression is a bitch. be a bitch right back. do not let it have its way with you.

since you said there was a lacking in positive interaction in your life, here are some things i like about you

your writing, i found your essay and it led me to your tumblr where i have since found your ao3

the banner to your account, i think it is so cute and i especially love jim’s outfit and the earrings mccoy and spock have

your opinion over mckirk, i totally agree with you there. i personally think that jim and mccoy are a perfect example of platonic soulmates

our shared love of oddthesungod like wow that man can draw

your effing name! talon is like the coolest name ever.

rok. need i say more.

Wrapped Around My Wrist (Choking Off My Breath) - this. oh my god. i cried while reading this i loved it very much it is definitely in my top 10 fics i have ever read

i know my writing must not be that great or grammatically correct but i saw your post and felt as if i needed to say something. if this comes off as stupid or unneeded, just save it for a time when it is. :) goodbye

hey anon

despite what i say, i really dont cry easily. its a side effect of my medications that i hate -- it takes so damn much for me to cry and most of the time i really wish it were easier because it always makes me feel better

this message made me cry

im sitting her sobbing because it has been so long since i felt seen like that haha. thank you. thank you so much. your words may not be needed but they are so appreciated. ive struggled for so long that even though i know what you say is true, it means so much that someone cares enough to remind me and to recognize that i can be proud of myself for where i am now. and i laughed when you told me to be a bitch right back. that's definitely my attitude this week haha

im honestly so overjoyed that you found me through my essay haha. i was so scared to link it to my tumblr because i like to keep my personal and online life separate but it brings me so much joy that it touched you so much you sought me out. and my banner. i thought no one looked at it, honestly. i hated how that piece turned out but i was so proud working on it and i was just so happy that i got to create it that when it didn't get notes i wanted it to be somewhere. im- im so unbelievably overjoyed that you noticed it and took the time to look at the details. god.

i have a truly unhealthy obsession with odd haha. truly a sun god, he brightens up my day so much when he posts

i cant believe you're one of the few people who read rok. again, im so so proud of that work... and wrapped around my wrist.... definitely my two favorite fics ive written. i reread them pretty often haha how embarrassing. im so pleased that they're your favorites too, i put so much into them. im sorry wrapped around my wrist made you cry though ;v;

i want to save this but i need you to know that this has just. its made my day. im just going to curl up and cry awhile and hopefully ill feel better in the morning. thank you. thank you so much. the fact that you took the time to try and cheer me up.... it really means the world right now. i appreciate you and all my friends so much.

thank you love

[char-lotteral]

Look I'm not one of those people who believe Kishimoto decided to have Hinata and Naruto end up in the middle part of Shippuden. I believe he decided in the very last arc but he wanted to sound smart so he said he decided earlier on. Otherwise, they obviously would have more scene together. In Shippuden, they have only three scenes together ; when Naruto came back, the pain attack and the neji death scene. That's it. In the original Naruto, they probably have less than ten canon scenes not including fillers.

So I'm sorry I'm one of those who wasn't convinced by The Last. They literally had a basic villain go after Hinata who was cringe btw (the villain). They gave Hinata op powers which she doesn't have in the novel 👀. Despite having op powers, they made her the damsel in distress. Very "The hero saves the princess" cliche. Again, to justify them being together. I mean Naruto can't differentiate his love for ramen and romantic love so how??? He was just being nice to Hinata just like he does to everyone. He stood up for her just like he does for everyone.

Don't get me started on the Sakura Sasuke relationship 🤣. Cringe. They never knew each other. The whole Sakura's love for Sasuke saved him doesn't make sense. They spent barely a year in their genin year before sasuke left. Sasuke tried to kill Naruto and Sakura multiple times. Then at the end of the war, Kishimoto tried to do the "oh they have such a deep understanding between each other" which comes off as cringey. He gets her pregnant then leaves for years. She's literally a single mom who's broke.

Every relationship in Naruto is so cringey and forced except shikatemari. Kishimoto should've focused on the main story and fixed his potholes and leave the ending open.

Naruto would not have been perfect but at least it would've been remembered for staying true to its vision but instead it's remembered for cringey relationships, dumbass villain (except pain and madara) and a story that lost its core which is a shame coz I used to love Naruto. I was inspired by its messages but now....

OKAY LOL WAIT I ACTUALLY HAVE THIS LONG ASS RANT PREPARED XD

BUT FIRST Ive read what you said and I lowkey agree :p

HOWEVER

I DRAW THE LINE AT TONERI SLANDER. BECAUSE WHY

TONERI?? CRINGE?? THIS SEXY MOTHERFUCKER??

LOOK AT HIS WHITE FLUFFY HAIR AND HIS CERULEAN BLUE ORBS STARING DEEPLY INTO YOUR SOUL

SAY SIKE RIGHT NOW?!#*@*#&@*

okay lol now for the juicy part click readmore and beware I shall be brutally honest so yea enjoy

I mean, Naruto in general is a mess, not just the ships if we're being realistic. Alot of plotholes, rushed endings, this and that, the w a r a r c, Kaguya, the way they rushed Boruto ehhh. Honestly, getting into Naruto is literally my biggest regret of 2020 :"DD

Im an NH shipper as you can tell by my hotmess of a blog but i fully respect your opinion and understand your point of view. I also know a bunch of nh stans who have their complaints with their development. I wish Kishi gave more attention to his female cast really, thats all I fucking ask. If he did that one single basic thing, then maybe the endgame relationships wouldnt have been an asspull and theyd be given propper screentime with their love interest, both Sakura and Hinata. The Last tbh i think the writers played it safe and stuck to the whole Naruto shounen vibe thingy, so im not surprised it was plotted that way. Typical cliché shounen movie.

But does that bother me? No! The Last was a mess, their development was shit, they definitely needed more screentime but hey at the end of the day theyre cute as fuck, we have that kiss scene, flirting scenes, a shit ton of official art, three kids, Seiki's gif :33 and a whole ass arc for their wedding all that for just a shounen anime so eh. Compensates for it i guess xD theyre not toxic, unhealthy or whatnot. Theyre wholesome, soft and vanilla as fuck and exactly what i need in my hectic life rn. No drama, just two kind souls who are adorable as heck and theyre dynamic means so much to me and I will love them until i shall leave this earth.

Anon, im not even gonna waste my time and defend their development because i think it sucked too xD but if you wanna know why i love them so so so soooo much, Id be more than willing to tell you :33

Sasuke and Sakura on the other hand eeeehhhh i can see why people like them. Sasuke's hot, he's your typical hot bad boy aad Sakura's hot and pretty too. Basic blue and pink trope. Aside from their canon interactions, fans have all the opportunity to play around with their dynamic but for me, its just sooo basic and so hetero and can easily appeal to any 16 yr old teenage girl, no wonder it has an active fanbase on twt and---- AM I MAKING ANY SENSE? AHDBAJJE LIKE ITS SO-- BASIC, your usual bad boy x pretty girl trope that you get to read in YA and coming of age novels. Not only that, but going back to canon, they have too many negative interactions for me to like them together :p The least Sakura can do is put down her own foot and yell at him for not contacting them for god knows how long. I also dont like how he always gets easily forgiven >=[[. I mean at least He's compensating as a dad good for him but ehhhh i still dont like him and Sakura together :v And im not falling for that "Sakura is the reason why Sasuke isnt lonely anymore" because thats NARUTO AHHH. Sasuke said that Multiple times. HE LIGHTS A FIRE INSIDE OF ME. HES MY SUN. MY ONE AND ONLY FRIEND. LIEK?? THATS NARUTOOO romantic or not, Naruto was the reason for his not so lonely existence anymore smh >=[[

Sasuke almost murdered her and Naruto and made their lives a living hell but hey its all good!! He's my best friend and Sakura loves him!! So set him freeee into the worldddd~~

Sasuke left his family without even simply contacting them but can easily contact Naruto through a hawk but hey thats fine! His and Sakura's feelings are connected afterall! Sasuke gave her a ring and said thank you! Who cares about leaving your family. She loves him and he loves her so yey!!! All is forgiven :D

DID I MENTION SASUKE ALMOST MUREDERED HIS OWN DAUGHTER AND HE WASNT CALLED OUT FOR THAT@*#&@??!?#,*@#,#

Sasuke gets too many life points this isnt fair >=[[ But tbh he's nerfed so bad in Boruto manga and anime power wise. Like in that time travel arc and the manga. The rinnegan kunai thing was still so funny to me even if it was Borushiki. I just idk its so funny to me lmaoo

OKAY WHAT ELSE. I dont even know any more. Im tired of complaining about Naruto and just when Ive finally gone a little bit away from Naruto, Hinata fucking pulls me in again 😩 she has me on chokehold pls send help. Watch castlevania!!! and one piece!!!! ten times better than this anime about a loud blonde boi who wants to be president. Trust me

overall, i dont fully agree but i lowkey agree i guess. I do respect your opinion tho :))

EXCEPT WHEN YOU CALLED TONERI CRINGE. HOW DARE YOU CALL THAT SEXY MF CRINGEY---

[ill-be-istj-if-no-one-else-is]

(pt. 1) it seems ennea 1/8/cp6s can mistype as one another quite often. it also seems that there is an overwhelming amount of bs circulating around these types. especially 8s. you know more than i do, so i figured that i'd ask for your input. thanks in advance if you choose to read all this. basically, which one would you say is most fitting for myself? i'm extremely stubborn and willful. tbh, those two are simultaneously some of my best AND worst traits.

(pt. 2) i've gotten better at unclenching as i've aged though, so on the whole i think they're positive forces in my life at this point. when i was a kid i had some anger issues, but i worked on them and by the time i reached adulthood the issues had been dealt with. i still feel anger (of course lol), possibly a bit more often than others, but i dont really blow up. using that energy to instead try to fix the problem causing anger ASAP is better in literally every way so i do that instead.

(pt. 3) that last part about the anger actually is one of my tripping points, most descriptions of 8s ive read show them as being very explosive. some of them to the point where it sounds kind of cartoonish- which makes me doubt how accurate their descriptions of 8s are. but moving on, i'm very independent and have been from a young age. being reliant on other people is like sandpaper on my soul, i have trust issues tbh (that im working on with a professional)

(pt. 4) one of my more 1-ish traits (i think??) is that i tend to be pretty focused on the morality of my actions, with apparently enough intensity that other people point it out when describing me. i'm VERY concerned with justice. it's difficult for me to be a bystander. seeing people attacking others who cant defend themselves is infuriating on a deep level. i'll stand down if the victim asks, since they know their lives better than me, and offer other forms of support instead.

(pt. 5) related to that, i have very high emotional empathy while also having low cognitive empathy (both due to the same neurodivergence) which i think drives me towards compassion. despite the fact that i, in general, feel things with the intensity of a bonfire pushing the limits of what can be controlled, i apparently dont often show it externally. other people (w/ the exception of close friends) almost universally describe me as aloof. which probably ties into the trust issues tbh.

(pt. 6) close friends have told me that, before they got to knew me, that they were intimidated by me and thought that i didnt like them. other people seem to feel the same, but dont say so very often. with the people that were stubborn/caring enough to actually get to know me, it takes a LONG time for me to start opening up to them. but once we get to that point, pretty much the only thing that'd break off the friendship is them doing something morally reprehensible, violating my boundaries...

(pt.  7) or them ending the friendship themselves. a stumbling block in some of my relationships is that i can get into power struggles, sometimes over things that arent really that important in hindsight. i dont want to be anyones subordinate, i need equality in all my personal relationships if they're going to exist at all. i tend to take on the role of the Dad Friend in my friend groups; ive been told by them that they kind of see me as a source of strength that they can draw from/rely on

(pt. 8) ... its something that i like about myself. im also very blunt when communicating for better or worse. people come to me for honest, direct feedback and input, but it has made me some enemies in the past. when i was less mature it made me kind of abrasive tbh, though i learned to play nice well enough that its been literal years since i heard that specific complaint. also this is apparently relevant to the type question so tl;dr yeah, bad childhood. hopefully this is enough info for you

-------

Hi anon,

Thanks for your patience! My guess is cp6, but I’m not positive. I should also add, as always, that I do believe that neurodivergent people can be typed but because I do not (and should not) have all the details of people’s conditions nor can I judge what is due to those conditions and what is inherent to personality (not to mention whether that condition is something you consider inherent to your personality) it can be much more difficult for me to type.

While the way we act in inboxes isn’t the same necessarily as how we act in real life, “thanks in advance if you choose to read this” is not really an 8 statement to me and none of the writing style here stands out as 8: it’s far too conciliatory. 8s can be polite/cordial, but in my experience there tends to be a certain forcefulness or at least expectation. A healthy 8 is more likely to assume they will be read.

Similarly, you indicate that expressing that anger directly is something you’ve moved away from. 8s don’t - they learn perhaps to express it more respectfully (it is true that constant explosive anger is extremely unhealthy and that a lot of 8 descriptions are really hyperbolic) but healthy 8s don’t feel bad about being angry and find value in that expression, in addition to fixing the problem.

With that said I don’t get the sense you feel bad about angry outbursts necessarily, which is pretty common in 1s, and the morality seems outward focused: this doesn’t feel like a fear of “what if I am corrupt” but rather a more 6-like focus of defense and fighting for a belief.

You do mention extreme loyalty to those you are close to, and the wariness of a cp6 but the inherent 6 need for support systems - and willingness to be a pillar within that support system speaks to that.

The one thing that does still speak to 8 is the need for equality, and so I would look into what that ultimate fear is: is it a fear of being dominated or controlled in general (8), or is it a mistrust of those who have been in control over you and who did not provide you with the beneficial guidance and support they should have (6)?

[vinculafidelis]

LYSANDRA AETOS is a UNKNOWN year old PANSEXUAL, FEMALE, SHE/HER, here in Firebrand City. People say they look a lot like PIPER PERABO. They are JUST but can be A PERFECTIONIST. They are a GORGON SUPERIOR in Firebrand and they work as a GORGON DEPUTY IN THE COUNCIL.

I.

Lysandra isn’t quite clear on how she came to exist, the ancient drawings and stories on vases and temples only telling her she carried royal blood in her veins just like all Gorgons did, she was raised away from the direct lineage of the three main Mothers though her clan said they were directly related to Euryale and thus they carried the same name.

II.

Misunderstood, feared, and vicious, gorgons weren’t fit to mix with civilization so Lysandra’s clan lived away, guarding sacred temples and treasures in inaccessible terrains. She was raised to fear and hate humanity (and pretty much everything that wasn’t a gorgon) knowing that what made her different was going to be her undoing.

III.

However, Lysandra had been born with a heart that was softer than what it should have been. She was curious, she was gullible, she was adventurous, she was trusting, she was too diplomatic, even for an ancient Greek. She wanted to always listen to all sides of an argument and try to find a middle ground, everything should always have a solution to benefit all parties involved equally.

IV.

But like all gorgons, Lys stayed living in the sidelines, in the shadows, as humanity advanced and took over the world. Like her sisters, she became a product of nightmares and fiction that protected history and treasures and magic to keep things out of men’s destructive hands. Gorgons had two goals, protect and not let their species die, so with that came Lysandra’s second biggest purpose in life: motherhood.

V.

For centuries she had helped her sisters raise their little babies. She had been part of the joy of the pregnancy announcements, of the hope that it brought when their numbers increased in the slightest, of the pure happiness when a new gorgon was born. And by the Gods, Lysandra knew she had been created by Gaia to be a mother and bring her own army of little gorgons to Earth.

VI.

It was an arrow to the abdomen during a battle that rendered Lysandra eternally infertile and made her lose her unwavering faith on the fair planet she had once adored. Justice didn’t seem to be happening on its own, maybe she had to take matters into her own hands. The gorgon’s heart started hardening, maybe humanity did have to suffer a little more after all.

VII.

While turning into a snake-like monster wasn’t diplomatic enough to solve problems, Lysandra turned into a ruthless politician, with an unhealthy obsession with justice, control, rules and laws. Whenever the word “treaty” was mentioned, Lys was there, ready to write and argue.

VIII.

Then there was Sabine. They belonged to different clans and had crossed paths over the centuries. There had been stolen glances. But it wasn’t until the Pre War times when they actually started working together that they fell in love. And Lysandra fell whole for the first time since that arrow. And then Sabine made her the happiest being in History by agreeing to carry a baby for both of them. There was a nursery, lullabies in Greek, tiny fingers and toes, 3 am feedings, Persephone, a happy family of three, promises of forever.

IX.

Then there was a Treaty. Then a War. And then nothing. Lysandra was not in favor and could not agree with the enslavement of humanity. With taking up arms. There had to be another way. Even if humanity was not listening. She was inflexible, she was blinded by her morality, by her erudition, by her pride of not being able to find another solution. Sabine took the other side. Sabine took the opposite side of Lysandra. Sabine took the baby and disappeared.

X.

Legend has it that when Medusa was beheaded, her sisters’ cries turned stone to sand. When Sabine left Lysandra, a neighboring farm was mysteriously found completely turned into stone. And every night since then she has cursed her name with every fiber of her ancient being, terrified of the monster she will become if they cross paths again.

XI.

With her own heart petrified, Lysandra turned into an even more obsessive, by the book, square and lawful deputy gorgon. She travelled the world trying to perfect treaties, laws and agreements between species, humans and whatnot. Anything to distract her from the pain in her chest and to return her some semblance of control. Now, her new personal project is the city of Firebrand.

[clownbeep]

This is gonna be kinda brutal. But I want to put it into writing

Big vent/whats been going on

Hah... I guess this is like my life story or some shit...

Trigger warning ahead.. Depression and a bit of gore/suicide talk so if you are sensitive to that please, for your own sake and mental state you might not want to continue.

For those who dont want to hear a pretty dark vent, I understand.

And those who are just scrolling by feel free to scroll past. I just personally want to get this out.

If you have dealt with emotional neglect/abuse and need to know it isnt in your head this might be the post.

By writing this it feels like hopefully someone else will read this and realise certain things are NOT healthy.

If you are questioning if you are being emotionally neglected/abused (im speaking in a parental sense but even romantically or sexually) im not someone to give you answers, but the fact you are questioning it raises some red flags. In a healthy relationship you dont wonder those things.

Sorry for the long prelude but heres what I wanted to say

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.

.

.

.

.

Ever since I was young, ive had bad ADHD, manic bipolar/depression, and sensory issues.

I was diagnosed around 13 I believe. My family (I didnt realise it then) always showed pity. Like I was some wild animal that couldnt be tamed and there was nothing they could do. Id do and say stupid attention seeking things just to try and get a shred of empathy.

My family didnt care.

When I was in the hospital for a suicide attempt regaurding pills and my liver had a chance of failing.. None of my family members cried over me. But a family friend. Someone not. Even. Related. Wept over me.

My family didnt care.

I cant say they never cared. They give me food water and luxuries like internet and a phone. For that I am grateful.

But in many other ways they have hurt me faar more than helped.

Once I got out of a short term stay in an inpatient mental facility I desperately needed contact with anyone who would care for me.

I have a younger sister, quite young probably around 7 at the time. She was a close friend of mine for that time. Id hang out with her so often to fill the gap in love it felt my family didnt give. One day I walked into the dining room and overheard my mother and father talking to my little sister. They told her to keep away because I wasnt "stable" because I was "dangerous" and could give her bad Ideas. And with one single action my only friend at the time and way to find happiness was taken away.

My family did not care.

When I stay in bed every day for months on end not knowing which day ill snap and end it all.... I get called lazy.

My family did not care

When I beg for medication to make me a functional human being they brush me off for years on end. Im losing my grip. I can barely remember things that have happened last week because I try so hard to forget everything its my automatic response to everything.

When I cant get to sleep because all of the memories come flooding back and im hit by wave after wave of horrific memories and the feeling if worthlessness... When I cant watch any videos or read posts about families because it brings on unwanted memories and emotions....

Is it me being dramatic then?

When you hear your family openly mocking and laughing about how stupid and dramatic and fake trans people are... How weird and unnatural and mentally insane these people are not knowing they are the very reason grsm and trans suicides are so high...

Am I a liar now? Am I insane?

When I tried to talk to them about my mental health issues. They took my only way of contact and made me feel like it was my own fault.

My family didnt care.

When I was nearly passed out shaking in a bathtub covered in wounds and blood all over... They showed pity, then lectured me for an hour for not telling them or for being impulsive and basically cleaned my wounds and sent me into my room.

My family didnt care.

Yes. I do agree, they cleaned my wounds, the physical side of showing care. However emotionally they were not there.

When my father drinks so heavilly every day he is home from work that he forgets half the things he tells you and can barely function.. They lecture my older sister for having a glass of wine (legal age)

They did not care.

My sister (23) tried for so many years to cling to what little attention she would get by getting good grades and going to college... She realised that it changed nothing about how my family felt toward her.... She snapped.

My family did not care.

She starves herself for a disease she does not have, she uses religion as an exuse to be one of the biggest christian extremists I personally know. Half the days she doesnt eat... Other days she burns book and gets rid of items for being demonic.

My lovely sister used to be kind and quite normal. However she couldnt find comfort in what little live her family gave. Starved for care she turned to religion to un unhealthy degree. Finding any way to keep her mind busy. Now I worry she will end up in the hospital for weighing so little.

My family did not care.

My oldest sister (27) Is married to a continuously cheating husband who she keeps letting back into her life. She was raised with a failing marrige and doesnt seem to see when she should call it quits.

Not to mention her husband has touched someone legally under the age of concent. Did she report him to the authorities? No.

All of these horrific things stemming from bad parenting. Unhealthy relationships and neglect.

Neglect emotionally can cause just as bad things as physical neglect. They are both horrifically dangerous in different ways.

These are the only big things I can remember... Basically age 15 and below are a complete blur to me and I cant remember much of it without thinking for a looong time. Even then I cant remember a lot of it... I feel like ive lost my whole damn childhood. And it hurts more than if they had just hit me or physically harmed me.

Im not underplaying physically harm. But in my personaly opinion I would rather my family have beaten me badly because at least then id have an easier way to prove to people how severe the abuse was. You can see bruises and confirm broken bones... But years of feeling completely useless and being shut off from most of the world other than the internet... It fucks you up in a way I dont think can be healed.

I dont know if I can ever love myself or... Remember things. Its terrifying to think Ill post this and a few weeks later probably not even rememner unless its brought up. Or meeting people and having conversations... And they are just... Gone.

Gone.

I suppose the biggest reason im writing this is well... In the future I dont want to forget in some ways.. I want like to be 100× as awesome knowing itll start as soon as im out of here..

If I dont have anything to compare it too then what is the point?

Ive layed out basically most of what I remember

A large amount of time I look around and nothing registers... Everything is familiar but I cant remember anything for a moment or two.. I feel like my memory is slipping so fast and im terrified.. I cant do anything to stop it and I cant make my mood be stable without the medication my family cant be bothered to get ...

I suppose this is a bit of a vent. I know its kind of everywhere and unorganized..

If im honest.. Tumblr is the only place where people have given me a home I wish I had..

I came out as trans here... Everyone was so damn supportive.. I didnt say anything but I cried hard and the kindness.. It was amazing.. It was such a jarring difference to how I feel when I say anything in real life.

Ive met friends here and ive had some much fun here. If youve stuck around this far thank you so much.. If you didnt I dont blame you.

I just wanted to share what has been flashing in my head these past few days.. It hurts a lot and ive even considered suicide recently..

Im trying hard. As hard as I can.. I have no escape though.

I cannot leave home. I cannot escape. Im not being dramatic.

I

CANT

LEAVE

And its terrifying because I know without medication or at least being somewhere AWAY from family.... I feel like im going to break soon.

I dont want to do anything stupid.. But some days I cant think straight and do things that harm myself and its not good. Its not okay. Im aware that I need help but I have no idea where to go/turn.. I have no ID or drivers liscence.. I have no transportation to and from a job to get money so I can leave... I live in the middle of nowhere.... I just..

I dont want to lose touch. I dont want to do anything bad.. I want to be functional.. I want to do more than eat and sleep my life away because I have nothing else to do..

Im so damn sick and tired of this all.. And at times I really do feel like there is only one way out.

Its always there and I just feel like one of these days im gonna be pushed over the edge and not be thinking clearly enough to stop it.

Im thinking semi clearly right now which is my im posting this.. Because im afraid and alone.

I have nowhere to go irl I have no friends Irl i just have tumblr and media and thats it. I dont expect anyone to be able to help I just wanted to write this so anyone knows what happens if I leave media..

If I tell my family my issues they will blow me off again for the 11th time or so (not exaggerated)

And if I do something to get sent to the hospital and get the help I need the cycle will continue with them being pissed and me getting sent home in a month or less anly for my family relationships to get worse..

Im spiraling fuether and further and I cant keep up the facade of being fine. I need help. And i have no way to get it. Ive just been suffering for years...

Sitting around and doing nothing but using your phone or drawing or whatever sound fun in theory... But if thats all youve been able to do for years with little to no real life social contact its gonna mess with your head... I dont want to be a shut in... I just

I dont know what to do.

Im sorry for rambling. I will most likely delete this later feeling embarrassed I posted this...

Im just tired..