#its not that i dont think shell give it to me

[autisticfaun420]

My life with level 2 (part 1)

I'm making this post to share some things about my life and give an idea about what my support needs are

1. Every morning I wake up sealed in my cubby bed, an enclosed bed that keep me trapped inside so I dont wander and hurt myself or roll out and have a meltdown (common things that happen with me and regular beds). It's also soft so I don't potentially bang my head against something hard. you're probably wondering well how do I go to the bathroom at night. That brings me to my next point.

2. Every morning after opening up my cubby bed either my mom, dad, caregiver, or occasional close friend takes me to my changing station in my room and begins to change my diaper. Thats right I was NEVER able to potty train and due to EXTREME sensory issues I am unable to change myself. This means I need constant super vision as I always need someone to change me, also calm me down if meltdown, etc. I simply have no way to tell I need to go, 1 or 2, till its much too late. So yeah diapers are an all day thing not just at night.

3. I'm older then 20 and my parents are l now my legal guardians for life, and if they can't do it I have friends that will step up. I'm not sure exactly what this means legally but I take it to mean Im basically still a kid to them on like, every level. They respect my intelligence but they still set the rules. One that always kind of gets people mad but then they understand is the fact that I have child safety internet settings on my tablet and phone, I can't access most social media websites and I'm not alliowed YouTube only YouTube Kids. This is because my parents and close friends agree that these teenage boys from a nearby town were trying to make me an "lol cow", basicallly a target for online harassment and bullying and trolling me because I was special needs and active on social media. Tumblr with my parents having the username and password and log ins and they check it every day is all I get. My friends and parents show me things from TikTok and Youtube that they think i'll like so I don't miss out. Oh yeah and I would binge watch horror and terror content on youtube, something that a lot of autistic people do apparently, however I mentally can't handle it. I wake up and freak out and hit myself all night and lose sleep for a week and end up in a mental hospital cause I'm hurting myself and not sleeping. Not fun... at all. I had unrestricted internet access as a teenager and I'm glad that part of my life is over. My parents do however let me eat cannabis edibles every day so its not like they're over protective, just protective in the way I need.

4. My parents are my emotional coregulators and I rely on them heavily, a lot of the time just to know how I'm feeling. I break down emotionally frequently and if my parents or a select few of my friends aren't there to cuddle me and rub my back the right way, I FREAK out and start hitting myself cause my brain is a bit nutty I guess. I'm needy with those I love to a rediculous degree. I'm a lot better, still not great, at self soothing. Self soothing is an oxymoron for me. I kinda need to be with somebody to be told to calm down, encouraged to come out my shell, praised when I do something good, and just having a hand to hold. My mom is rubbing my back encouraging me to write this out like I said I wanted to do.

5. I need to stim, constantly. I'm always rocking, fidget toy and plushie in hand chewing on my chewing laynyard, you get the idea. I also need audio and visual stims which I get in the form of watching bright colorful little kid shows on my tablet like Blues Clues and Daniel Tiger. I think this is why people don't think I'm smart but its just who I am and what my needs are.

I think this is a good starting point, I'll make a part 2 later.

[softness-and-shattering]

If I may respond, because I think its important to address trauma. I think as a collective as Jews we need to address our collective and generational trauma. Im learning how to do that individually which is the only way I know how to make a start.

There is a difference between fear and danger. Fear is a warning that there may be danger. Fear has obviously kept us alive as our ancestors, with an additional huge amount of luck or providence, got the hell out of dodge before it was too late, probably many many times over the millenia which is why we are here at all.

And it is normal human pattern-seeking behaviour to see awfulness and death wishes from people who identify a certain way, and become afraid of everyone similar to them. When its nazis, and the hate and violence are inherently part of the ideology, theres nothing to be done except take precautions and stay away. Someone should try rescue them from the lies and misery they've bought into, but as the target of their hate thats emphatically not our job.

When it comes to pride flags and BLM and id definitely like to believe watermelons, Jew hatred *shouldnt* be a central part of the identity. And I think thats where we have to take a look at fear as a coping mechanism, and evaluate how useful it is. Because it isnt the same as danger. At this point maybe lets say its an orange-to-red flag. Its not inherently danger but its something to watch out for.

And its not an obligation, to interact with people. If you need to shut down and stay in small safe circles then do that.

Its just that you say that you dont like how distrustful youve become. Ive been there and I hate it too. Two things, I guess. One is that connecting to people, trusting anyone, is inherently risky. Theres a level of intimacy and vulnerability involved even if youre just joking around with someone. For me, I dont want to become a hateful mistrustful shell of myself. What that means for me is extending some trust and knowing I could ger hurt by it. Thats just being human. But its also having other support and other coping mechanisms in place so that if I am hurt, I know how to dress the wound, I know how to unwind and recover. A lot of that is DBT self-soothing skills, its having places I can vent and be myself without worrying about the worst version of someone twisting my words might be, where I know everyone present is either on the same page as me, or shares a level of understanding of complexity that even if I say something that sounds unkind or awful I will be kindly told "hey what the fuck we need to talk about this" in a way thats constructive and thoughtful with room for learning, instead of being publically dogpiled and cancelled for eternity over a mistake or a misconception or even unexamined bigotry because we all have it and its a process to unlearn for everyone. And we need to publically be better about that but I digress.

The second thing is differentiating fear and danger. This isnt mandatory but if youre up for it I think its a healthy skill to learn in general. In tumblr terms, investigate a little. You come across someone with a pride flag in bio, look at their top posts, skim their blog, maybe throw a couple terms into the search. Then look at what comes up. Is it straight up vitriol and antisemitism, block em. Is it something that makes you defensive, pause, take a few breaths, look again. Is it actually in tone or in words calling for or excusing violence, is it black-and-white villain and victim no nuance? Probably also block. Is it passionately upset about violence without any calls for revenge or retaliatory violence? That person might be safe. Its ok if your first reaction is fear, just let yourself have a second or third reaction and srr where it goes.

The last point I have is about levels of trust, and levels of safety, and levels of vulnerability. Because youre not determining if you can give someone your home address, and youre probably not determining if theyre safe to meet in person. So its not a full on black or white safe or not safe thing. Its more like, am I safe to have this interaction? Are we talkimg about how cute our pet cats are? Probably a safe conversation to have with most people. Are we talking about the ethics of war and the existence of nation-states, thats way dicier. I talk quite a lot on here, and there are always things I choose not to share, conversations I choose not to have, posts I writr and discard, for any number of reasons. Im getting better at seeing things I disagree with and recognise when Im super unlikely to change the persons mind, and just not engaging even if it makes me really angry. Sometimes its not worth it, sometimes its too close to home and even if it might be a productive discussion, im not in a place to be having that discussion rn. Some things just arent anyones business. Some I know will be misunderstood so I dont bother.

I think in general, with basically everything, is that it takes courage to be who we want to be. Its easier to say everyone who says x or believes x or identifies as x is dangerous and I hate all of them. Black and white thinking is always easier, and because youre listening to your fear it feels safer, until you look up and youre bitter and hateful and lonely. Fear is a warning signal but it flags false positivites, and it sometimes flags danger as more extreme than it is. Like any gut feeling, always pay attention, and also use your brain to evaluate how correct it is. And then make decisions based on your evaluation.

Because its not good or fun or helpful to be afraid of vast swathes of people. And people can hurt us, thats part of the human package and very much part of being Jewish. You gotta be careful, and brave, and vulnerable imo. And have a strong support system + soothing activities you can fall back on when you do get hurt. And be selective of who you trust with how much, so when the hurt comes itll hopefully be minimal. We cant avoid pain entirely, only learn how to minimise it and look after it.

Good luck! Its not easy out there. Be safe, be brave. ❤

one of the things I hate most about all this is how distrustful it’s made me. if I see a pride flag or BLM or a watermelon in someone’s bio, I immediately wonder if they want to kill us. if they deny rape. if they cheer massacres. I don’t see those things and think of tolerance or acceptance anymore. they just make me afraid. that’s what this movement has done. and I hate not trusting people, being scared of people, but what else can I be when they’ve shown us how much they’d like to see us dead?

.

[evenina]

wanting to play mercutio in the Romeo and Juliet production we’re doing this year but terrified of talking to my director about it

[moeblob]

Rey, who is in my very biased opinion, one of the funniest "girls" I have because she's just a guy, truly. Like Rey is just short for Reynold because he was recruited by a a goddess to help the hero she selected and the hero is conveniently Reynold's younger brother. So he agrees to help under the condition that the goddess gives him a female body for the other world. She's like "really odd flex but whatever" and gives him a female form and he's like "you know. I can't really blame anyone but myself for not specifying 'please don't turn me into a Lisa Frank personification'."

[lemongogo]

need 2 find myself again in 2025 . tbhwu

[domoriu]

ive had such an…. interesting day today 😇 anyway how are you all <3

[starrysharks]

zeno's ultimate pokemiku tierlist ⁉️(it's all his opinion and he loves them all regardless⁉️)

[tankgotstuckinthecircusgate]

my biggest dissonance is how robert de niro in once upon a time in america actually looks like young carlo (but more handsome than carlo) but noodles character is nothing like him like max is a certifed carlo core. he would do everything max did

[toxifoxx]

i need my brain rewritten bro

[dandyshucks]

trying to tell other ppl about OCs is so hard and embarrassing, like yeah here's my automaton guy that I've been calling Empty Mask, yeah I nearly cried over the thought of him collecting broken porcelain dolls the other day, yeah he sounds kind of stupid but he's actually kind of a tragic character if u get to know his story,,,,,,

[iamthepulta]

I was supposed to talk about Lustrum hours processing once upon a time, wasn't I?

[spaghettiandart]

WAIT. WAIT. WAIT. A FNAF DAEMON AU WOULD GO INSANELY HARD.

(Rambling in tags)

[s0fter-sin]

finally figured out the reason it’s been difficult to get back into reading books after reading fic for so long is so many fantasy books are just self inserts and the mc has no personality beyond the bare minimum

[sk3l3t0n444]

why is everything falling apart atound me???

[todayisafridaynight]

Ok but Jiro splurging and getting Ichi a little pocket guide to local bugs ;o; He’d carry it everywhere as a kid and it’d get so bent and dirty but he learns so much. Bringing home bugs to his dad in his lil wire bug trap and rattling off bug facts while some of the girls are screaming for him to take it outside (cute lil Ichi being the one who handles bugs for some of the girls at Shangri-La who are afraid of them)

I’m sorry I dunno why I’m so obsessed with little bug guy Ichiban. Imagine him being young and watching caterpillars grow in class okay ;o; angel!!

oh so we're all on board with Bug Lover Ichi then maybe democracy does exist

[purpldawne]

im gonna yell in the tags just to be safe but i am THINKING