autisticfaun420

[autisticfaun420]

Hmmmm….

Okay so my last post about sex did something funky with my algorithm… I think I discovered something about myself… My desire to age regress is something not sexual at all but my desire to pet regress maybe comes from that 😳😳😳 I think all avoid talking about it much on this account maybe but now I have to go to my day program feeling some kind of way. I want this blog to be my unfiltered life with high support needs level 2 autism, if I cared about offending someone I wouldn’t of posted at all but I am learning some people in age regression and pet regression communities don’t like it when people sexualize this stuff and that totally makes sense. However even though I feel like a kid a lot of the time I am still an adult with adult desires and I am learning about and the differences between pet play and regression and all that jazz and learning about myself and how I fit into these labels. And now I’m just thinking about… that night I had with the male sex worker, and adding pet play elements, and 😳😳😳😳 oh fuck haha. Once again, age regression isn’t sexual for me I have explored it enough already and due to my support needs I regress around my parents, but pet stuff on the other hand? Yeah okay I think my parents were right about to tell me I should explore that with a future partner. I guess severely disabled people can be kinky too, who would of thought?

[autisticfaun420]

Yea this. And I know my mom’s eventually gonna check my blog for safety reasons so I’m letting you know now mom I’m not a virgin, my friends chipped in and got me a male hooker for one of my birthdays. Sex workers work frequently with disabled clientele, it’s something that isn’t talked about. He was so nice and accommodating, I never thought I could feel “sexy” the way he made me feel. Basically yes I’m male and he was male too. We made out and he fingered me, talking dirty the whole time. It was just one time a few years ago but the impact it had on my self esteem was priceless. I’ve never been in a relationship but I feel like I can be now. I feel lovable. If you got good money and have a high support needs virgin friend, you know what to do. I played with his thing like it was my favorite stim LOL okay I’ll stop now I think.

Wild concept that shouldn’t be wild and the coldest take ever: disabled adults are *adults* and not just children trapped in adult bodies

Disabled adults have sex

Disabled adults do drugs

Disabled adults curse

Disabled adults get piercings and tattoos

Disabled adults can make adult decisions and act and behave like adults because we are adults

It’s just so weird for people to constantly infantilize me all because of my mobility aids when I’m not a child!!!

[autisticfaun420]

disabled people do things. disabled people smoke. disabled people drink. disabled people steal. disabled people have sex. disabled people kill. disabled people aren't "clean creatures", we're people and we do things.

[autisticfaun420]

More on HSN autism and poop I guess

My most popular post by far is my one about my struggle with fecal smearing not sure why. I guess I’ll give you guys a follow up cause I want to talk more about incontinence and how it has affected my life. Sorry new to tumblr and I don’t remember what tags to use so OCD people can filter so I hope this intro is enough of a trigger warning.

I’m gonna be blunt about it, what’s worse then smearing though is just being in public stuck in a shitty diaper really for a couple reasons. I can’t stop myself from having bowel accidents in public, and when I’m having them too I *look* like I’m having one, I can’t stop my legs from squatting like a little kid and there’s often an accompanying sound to go with it. I wish I could say this in a nicer way but I basically go from the tolerable quirky R word to the ew so disgusting R word real fast. People go from smiling at me at least to going to openly degrading me and making comments like I’m not in the room. People get bothered real fast, I can’t blame them it smells bad but it doesn’t change the fact on how I feel inside once I became old enough to realize this was going on. It’s hard for my parents and caregivers to find a place in public to change me and it’s often impossible. The restaurants I eat at, the places so visit, are all dependent on me having a single room bathroom because a proper adult changing station is a pipe dream.

God forbid I have a diaper blowout (where poop goes up the back and out the diaper), then whatever small amount empathy people have goes quickly out the window. I used to like taking the bus with my dad, I can’t do it anymore. I had one blowout on the bus and people acted like their life was in danger “ew ew ew oh my god the r word shit everywhere ew” from someone not even close to where I was sitting, people telling my dad how my mom should of handled her pregnancy, I learned what an abortion was that day. People become blunt when they are mildly inconvenienced with a bad smell and they think it gives them a right to dehumanize someone. I know it’s disgusting but maybe there’s something wrong with me but I don’t think the reaction warrants it. Not when I’ve been at people’s houses and the dog shits everywhere and people go aww he’s just a little guy to the dog. I wish I got that kind of reaction as an autistic child, infantilization is at least better then telling me I should have never been born.

I wanted to write more but sorry I’m crying now. I guess I’ll end it on a positive note. I mentioned in a previous post how one of my high school friends, who grew up with little brothers and cousins, had no problems changing me so we could hang out. I’m not saying that’s an accommodation I expect anyone at all to make for me who’s not a parent or a caregiver getting paid for it, but the fact that he never acted grossed out when cleaning me healed something in me. I would be so embarrassed shitting myself in front of my “cool” neurotypical friends, I would be tearing up and I opened up about it and how embarrassing it is and he basically told me fuck the haters and it’s not something I can control. I didn’t ask for it. A part of me believed I was doing on purpose and carried guilt and guilt leads to meltdowns and smearing incidents. “What do you mean all the cool kids poop their pants” he would say sometimes to make me laugh. During our hangout sessions I would whisper to him “cool pants” or text him that so he could discreetly take me to the bathroom. He’d do it wether he was drunk, stoned, or sober. And like I said in the other post, he was the only reason I was able to have the freedom to hang out without a caretaker or parent in high school and we could all smoke weed together without my parents knowing. I think they did know what I was doing and just let me have my teenage fun, I think my parents thought the weed chilled me out too, which is true, so they let me do it but my cannabis use is a topic for another day.

[autisticfaun420]

i want a regression room. i want walls painted in soft colours, paper stars hanging from the ceiling. i want a bookshelf with my little books, and wooden train tracks. i want soft blankets and pillows and a space to lay on the floor. i want a dollhouse and toys and so many stuffies. i want windows that let in so much sunshine, sunshine that makes all the colours in my room shine. i want colouring books and crayons and a play kitchen, i want a shelf with my pacis and bottles. i want a space that always feels safe and warm and sunny.

[autisticfaun420]

I opened up to my mom about age regression

(if you are reading this and are new to my blog I am high support needs autistic and I already have childish interests please don’t say I’m infantilizing autism)

So first of all she kind of knew something was up with me, I brought my plushie with me to my disability day program. I showed her my blog, she said she hadn’t logged into my account to check yet so it was a surprise to her. First of all she was very proud and said I was brave for opening about some of my struggles and being so candid about it, I don’t know if it’s bravery or just autism making it so I don’t know what’s appropriate to share haha. Then I showed her my posts about age regression and how I learned about it here and was like, instant hyper fixation for me. I told her about how I never felt negatively infantilized by her and my dad almost never compared to people at school or strangers and I enjoy the connection we have when my parents kind of “baby” me the right way when they take care of my support needs. Like I need to have physical touch to calm me down and being cradled and my diaper changes are met with nick names, hugs and tickles, yeah very embarrassing I’m sure but whatever. I told her about “little space” and how I already enter it when she takes care of me sometimes and she said she always knew something like was going on but never pushed me or into it and made sure I was enjoying myself in those moments. She said if it would make me happy she and my dad would for sure be willing to help me out with little space. I told her that I want to take the power back from people who infantilized me negatively and assume I can’t think for myself by doing this and that surprised her but she said it made sense. I mentioned that I want to keep what independences and adult privileges I do have and I don’t want them to think I want this 24/7 and they said of coarse they will and I trust them. She had a talk with my dad real fast and they agreed to let me spend some of the money I saved up doing internet surveys, like a hundred dollars for an age regression starting pack essentially, my dad asked if this is really what I want and I guess the way I looked at him after and nodded made him believe me. My dad talked to me about how it’s important to keep my regression inside so others don’t get the wrong idea and I said of coarse and I shouldn’t do more then take my plushie with me in public and I agree. However I’m getting an adult sized bottle and pacifier, a mobile for my special needs cubby bed and a few fisher price toys. I am over the moon ecstatic and my mom said she’ll throw in the money for overnight shipping cause I earned it for using coping mechanisms when meltdowns could of gone worse lately.

I told them about pet regression too and they were still supportive of me being interested in it, they said they would feel uncomfortable with treating their disabled child like a pet personally and I can see where they’re coming from on that. They told me that one day I can find someone special to do that stuff with. As you can imagine dating is really hard with my level of needs but I’m not completely discouraged I’ll find somebody but that’s a post for another day. We did have a talk about how much I enjoyed being on an anti elopement harness and how I would pretend play as a puppy when out on walks with her, she said she knew had a feeling that’s what I was doing. Also I had my pacifier till 4 or 5 years and she said me giving it up was one of the hardest things she saw me go through and joked about it like I’m a drug addict about to relapse on it. I still have so many oral stims and use chewerly throughout the day so I think she has a point. Imagining what a paci would feel like in my mouth makes me feel so happy. I am just excited all around and can’t wait till tomorrow. For now my mom asked if I wanted some “little time” tonight and of course she said yes. We watched In the Night Garden on the big TV while she stroked my hair and cuddled when I normally only watch shows like that on my tablet as a form of stimming I guess. It was nice watching it where I could relax. I felt extra giggly at all the dumb stuff in the show, my friends describe it as an “acid trip” if that gives you an idea about what it’s like. My mom after the episode tickles me down and played games with me like I did when I was a little kid and I loved it. I started crying tears of happiness because I felt so loved I guess you could say. She teared a little bit too and told me every mother secretly wishes they could still baby their grown children so she said she had fun, I don’t know if it’s true or not but it’s a funny thought.

I feel so happy I wanted to write this out and share with you guys. I don’t know what else to say I think I wrote out enough. Now my mom wants me to get into my pajamas early I think she’s having too much fun with this but so am I and my dad is gonna run to get some of my favorite ice cream when I was a kid. I feel so lucky to have parents who can support my physical and emotional and disability support needs.

[autisticfaun420]

Here's a post for the autistic people who can't relate to the "autism is a difference, not a disability" movement at all. The nonverbal autistic people. The autistic people who need help with basic self care like eating, going to the bathroom, getting dressed and showering. The autistic people who need full-time supervision to stay safe. To the autistic people who can't go places alone or can't go places at all. To the autistic people who can't help having violent meltdowns. To the autistic people who don't understand social interaction at all. To the autistic people who'll never be able to study, work or live alone. To the autistic people who have to follow a very strict routine to function. You're all an important and valuable part of the autistic community. You don't deserve to be ignored, excluded or sacrificed in the name of a more palatable image of what it means to be autistic

[autisticfaun420]

My thoughts

You can be smart and be high support needs.

You can be smart and struggle with basic care tasks.

You can be smart and be diagnosed with an intellectual disability, even if you struggle with reading writing and math.

You can be smart and sleep in an enclosed special needs bed for your safety.

You can be smart and need constant supervision.

You can be smart and need your toileting handled by someone else.

You can be smart and still have violent meltdowns.

You can be smart and still need government assistance.

You can be smart even if you were in sped your whole life.

You can be smart and still need a guardianship and/or Conservatorship.

You can be smart and nonverbal, even if you struggle with AAC.

You can be smart even if they told you your IQ is low, IQ is notoriously shit at measuring intelligence and why they use it in diagnostics is beyond me.

You can be smart and all these things and more.

You can be smart even if everyone else in the room will always think that you’re not cause of your disability.

These are all things I have seen or apply to me. Being emotionally smart is also a thing too. When I would have violent meltdowns in sped and would be yelled at or met with traumatic situations due to the teachers not knowing what to do, it was often my intellectually disabled classmates who knew how to talk me and caress me out of it and they were a hell of a lot smarter then the teachers in those moments. Don’t let people think you’re not smart for any reason and if you don’t believe you are take a good look at your strengths and come back.

[autisticfaun420]

sometimes when i try to describe my relationships with being visibly autistic, i think "visibly developmentally disabled" explains it better. where i live, autism awareness is really low, so people who see me don't think about me in correct medical words and diagnoses, etc. they probably don't know what autism is, how it presents, maybe don't even know the word autism. but they do know clearly that something is wrong with me. that something is wrong with my mind (sorry for the wording. they put it like that and i don't know how to express the specifics of this treatment better).

some people seem to think that visible autism means "everyone know your exact diagnosis and understand what it means and think about you in proper medical terms," something like this. i think this idea leads people to say things like "autism is invisible disability" (presuming always and for everyone) or "well everyone's autism is visible if you know where to look."

visible disability is not about everyone knowing the specific diagnosis by look. visible disability is about people knowing that you are disabled by look.

another example: i'm a mobility aid user (cane/crutches/wheelchair depend on situation), and i'm visibly physically disabled because of it. people don't know my exact diagnosis by look, but they know i'm disabled in a physical way.

similar for visible autism: people may not know exact name of condition, but they know that i'm disabled in a developmental way. and act accordingly.

[autisticfaun420]

Wow

It's only been a day about and I have 100 likes already! I just had a mini meltdown over my first online hater/fakeclaimer but my dad was there to soothe me out of it and make me look at the positives. I'm so happy that my blog seems to be taking off and I'm getting a good response. Opening about certain things on here that I never thought I would ever makes me feel brave and strong in a way that I don't feel often so this is super nice.

[autisticfaun420]

Parental Controls

(last post moved from the sideblog i accidently made) One thing that trips people up when they hear it is my parents/legal guardians have parental control devices on my tablet, PC, and phone. I am banned from most social media websites and regular YouTube. I post on special interest and autism related forums and watch a lot of YouTube Kids, and my parents recently let me have tumblr because they heard from someone else that higher support needs homies have been using the platform to connect and express themselves. However I am intelligent and been told highly so by people who only know me online. I was not okay when this was first imposed on me but I came around after feeling the benefits. I'm not allowed to say my real age on here but I am 21 or older.

When I had unrestricted internet access I would binge watch horror and dark content including analog horror stuff. I remember Nexpo and Down the Rabit Hole and lots of ARG stuff as channels I watched. I would sneak my tablet into my Cubby Bed and watch all night even though I was scared. This resulted in freaky existential nightmares and me being afraid to even fall asleep. I would bang my head and hit myself trying to stay awake and it worked. I had several awful but necessary psychiatric hospital stays. Specifically the Down the Rabit Hole episode about the operating system made by a deranged Christian fucked with my head I fully believed God in the form of an operating system would generate into the real world and tear my body apart. I never felt fear like that before or since. Social media is banned because a group of teenagers saw my online presence and tried to turn me into an “lol cow” my friends think and they told my parents what that was and what it meant and they vowed to never let that be me. I’m on tumblr now but my parents have my password and log in and check out who I DM and my mom is willing to take over and run the account if she deems it no longer safe for me. I am too trusting with strangers and don’t see red flags in people. Those teenagers got me to do things that I thought would make me “cool” but my real friends told me they were making fun of me.

If you are of adult age and you rock parental controls on your tablet like I do, know that you are not dumb or a child for needing that. Just know that I see you and don’t let anyone tell you you’re not cool.

[autisticfaun420]

My favorite comfort show as a kid, and my favorite as an adult. Love this pic so much

bluey and blue!

[autisticfaun420]

PDA with high support needs and Intermittent Explosive Disorder

PDA isn't diagnosed in this country but I think it's a huge underlying reason on why I'm so disabled, why I can't put my stim and sensory accessories down for 5 minutes to brush my own teeth and take care of things myself. Brushing my own teeth for example often leads to crying episodes and I hurt myself brushing, not to mention it takes 10 minutes compared to 2 cause I procrastinate. Changing my own diaper almost always leads to fecal smearing or stimming by ripping up a wet diaper getting SAP everywhere. I can eat my own food a lot of the time but sometimes I need consistent verbal encouragement and literal handholding, like my mom will clasp my hand that doesn't haven a fork in it and say things like "come on sweety you can do it just a little more" so I can get a meal down. If I'm super sad and depressed, not as much these days, we found out that its best if I'm just fed or drink a lot of meal replacement.

Intermittent Explosive Disorder however is what I'm diagnosed with and if I don't have my PDA need met then I have intense violent outbursts directed at me or parents or occasionally friends. I'm honestly lucky I have weak EDS arms and my parents are tough cookies and my friends literally get hit for fun in mosh pits. I feel awful about it but if I seriously injured someone I would feel so terrible about it I don't know what I'd do. Hitting myself is more common and I'm more at risk that way. Only a few years ago did I realize that guilt associated with PDA made my episodes worse, like if my only physical disability is EDS I feel so awful and shameful when I can't do these things for myself it becomes a negative feedback loop that no one wants to be a part of. When I let that guilt go I'm so much calmer and have more "PDA Free" moments where I do tasks for myself. Brushing my teeth myself in the bathroom with the door closed with a parent right outside for not even the full length of time is a HUGE victory for me. I'll never get to the point of independence I'm sure of it but I'll have around 1 night a week where I'll do it and maybe take care of some other stuff and holy fuck I'm so proud of myself I've come so far. The problem is I reach PDA burnout so fast that the next day its like square one. I am Sysuphus and the needs are my boulder that will NEVER reach the top (independence) but I'll go back and climb it every day for another "small" victory.

Guanfacine and Adderall help but its not the be all end all, just shout out to my meds too because it wasn't just releasing the guilt that helped so much, I really needed both.

[autisticfaun420]

Thoughts on Support Needs

I can’t believe I was going around saying my support needs were mid just because I’m verbal and intelligent. Like I’m literally typing this as my dad changes my drool cloth while tucking me in for a nap after cleaning me up like MID SUPPORT!?? NAW MY SUPPORT NEEDS BE HIGH AS HELL (And so am I hence this silly post). Okay nap now bye bye.

[autisticfaun420]

My crazy high school friends...

Okay was it incredibly ableist and messed up that my friend group initially befriended me just because they wanted to see a special ed kid get stoned and thought I was too stupid to tell on them, oh absolutely it was.

Is it true that they've all matured since then and have been incredibly supportive and inclusive and respect how smart I am while also willing to accommodate me, yeah absolutely.

High school was the most freedom I had in my life, people with my support needs don't get to have a wild high school experience but I'm blessed that my parents somehow trusted a group of teenage stoner metalheads to watch me with no other caregiver. They were all my caregivers. If I had a violent meltdown around them, they didn't mind taking a punch, they would blast Cannibal Corpse and tell me to mosh it out. One of my friends, also my personal hero for making this possible, was actually willing to change my adult diapers so we could hang out with NO ADULTS THERE LMAO. I got to get high in all the places teenagers got high and even got to do MDMA once. If I needed emotional reassurance they would cuddle and soothe me and these were the same guys who thought accidently touching balls turned you gay LMAO. Thats true allyship in my eyes. Willing to change diapers and turn gay just so I can have a normal high school experience. I love my friends so much and they made me who I am today.

[autisticfaun420]

Yesssssss, I may need parental controls to safely browse the web but FUCK YEAH INTERNET!

In real life no one other then friends or family will ever see me as intelligent unless they spend a signifigant time around me. It's like when I meet a new person and my friends and family tell them I'm smart, its met with a reaction of aw its so sweet that you think he's smart. It's not till like I open up with a nuanced political opinion that they get shocked and are like oh wait he smart smart lol.

The internet is the total opposite. I can be completely incognito and reveal my support needs to people when I get to know them and sometimes people can't believe how high my needs are after talking to me. The world is a wild place lol

Ambiguous emotional rant:

Being nonspeaking/nonverbal, HSN and homebound anyone with high support needs and complex needs knows just how much autonomous and liberating the internet has to be for those of us who have no other safe place to be our true unapologetic, unadulterated, and authentic weird selves. I am very grateful and appreciative for the internet’s existence that it was ever even created/invented by mankind and that we have the freedom of speech to post (hopefully not all Nonspeakers, AAC users, or HSN disabled people have the freedom of speech to post what they like on the internet sadly) but for those who have good supportive caregivers, and those who have learned how to successfully, and safely access the internet World Wide Web, this is my toast to all of you who have found some semblance of human rights, freedom of speech, creative freedom and expression through your own words, I’m all so happy to be born in the right time in human history to have lived to see this day where hundreds of thousands of autistics, LSN, MSN, HSN, those verbal, semi verbal, minimally verbal, and nonverbal/nonspeaking have a place (so sorry for those who have not found it yet, or might not ever), to post what they like, to the best of their ability. I’m just so very grateful to have made a digital footprint on internet history. I pray we can make the internet a safer more inclusive and accessible accepting environment. Those of us who will most likely never be seen or known for who we truly are online than they see us in real life. Just know that you’re welcome here with me.

Julian & Damian

[autisticfaun420]

Yes and PLEASE

reblog if you want your followers to ask you anything they're curious about.