#its because its cut like shit lol
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hm. i hate to say this but leon's hair reminds me of bacon.
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i LOVE how we can always rely on atsushi to acknowledge how impressive akutagawa is anytime he does anything
#bsd#shin soukoku#bsd sskk#the newest chapters were sending me back to hero vs criminal#and how shiny eyed atsushi was throughout all of it#which also had the unfortunate element of reminding me of my rage at the anime for cutting all of it😒#BUT#not the point rn#because holy shit#it’s atsushi’s inability to acknowledge his own strength#versus how easily he acknowledges akutagawa’s#like i know it’s the whole POINT but GOD ITS THE WHOLE POINT!!!#like i loveeeee love LOVE how it works with sskk’s dynamic#but ALSO just for akutagawa#because it really emphasizes how much his inferiority complex is rooted in himself in dazai#when every person who comes after finds him ridiculously strong#like atsushi being wowed constantly#the agency considering him a flee on sight#higuchi and the black lizard’s respect (+more lol shout out higuchi) for him#the way he IMMEDIATELY impresses fukuchi and how fukuchi spends that fight scoping his ass out#which again the anime CUT SO MUCH OF—#like ooohhhh you are something special SPECIAL#which like all that does great to show akutagawa’s own warped views of himself#but ALSO it does great to make sure the audience keeps him on the same level as atsushi and doesn’t get too blinded by the protagonist#just GOD i could talk about how akutagawa is balanced all day#how crazy it is that ATSUSHI so often is doing the balancing like ooouuuuugggghhhhh#okay cutting myself off sorry bsd just makes me crazy#bsd spoilers#bsd manga spoilers#ish🤷♀️
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sorry to log on n rant but i need to rant
#tbd.#ooc.#cw complaining#ignore the tags if u dont want to see how my life is going shdfhsf#so im doing my masters yeah#and im like. 75% thru#shouldve been done last month#but bc of the year ive had my uni adviser was rlly nice and sorted a way to extend my student status for another year#to get my dissertation done#like i did my 4 essays n now its just dissertation time#n i was supposed to start it now n get booked in with my mentor n stuff but i cant fucking log into the website#bc u need a MFA#and the MFA app my uni uses wont acknowledge me bc i have a different phone bc my phone broke#and a different number bc my phone contract got cut off#so idk what to do lol i cant log in and do anything#ive rang the IT desk for help 59w9er3424234 times#and everytime i get thru to the actual line n im taken off hold .. they hang up on me#idk if its a system error or my phone bc its a shit old one#but i cant do anything#and my universal credit claim got closed#non uk oomfs its a benefits system#n they help u with money to pay bills whether ur looking for work or unfit to work which is what my doctor said i am bc#my mental health and physical health combines to make me a super loser#n he thinks i might try to K word myself if i take too much on at once after eveerything#like i cant even sit and grieve my dad that died not even 6 months ago yet because i have to much shit to fucking do#like i cant afford to liven now#i cant pay my bills. they keep bouncing and coming back worse#i have debt collectors coming @ me#i am stuck in catch 22 man like not even my support workers can help me rn#and im very lucky that i own my own home bc of my car accident when i was 15 lol but everyone is just telling me to sell it
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one time i had the most godawful haircut ever like im talking my crush said i looked like mr ohare from the lorax movie bad and i cried when i got it but not bc of the haircut it was because i was still young and couldnt properly fake liking it to the barber and felt so bad bc i knew SHE knew i didnt like the cut and it made me so guilty cuz i was like omg i know you tried your best im so sorry i made you feel like it wasnt enough *cries*
#I STILL FEEL GUILTY AND SHIVERS DOWN MY SPINE THINKING ABT IT TO THIS DAY#BECAUSE THATS ALSO WHY EVEN IF I HATE FOOD AT A RESTURAUNT ILL PACK IT HOME#BECAUSE I CANT STAND LEAVING SHIT AND MAKING THE CHEF THINK THEIR FOOD ISNT GOOD ENOUGH#LIKE IDK IM LIKE GHHHH YOU TRIED YOUR BEST AND I FEEL LIKE SUCH A DICK FOR ACTING AS IF THAT ISNT GOOD ENOUGH#whenever i tell people ive cried from a haircut before tho they always think its because of the cut#and its interesting to me because i always used to assume theyd know it was from guilt because like hair grows back lol#its not like im going to die from a bad haircut at age 12. even when i was 12 i knew that#but i get upset thinking about making someone feel like their best isnt enough especially when its subjective like cooking or haircuts#and yknow its like their career instead of a casual hobby
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Yooooo you worked at Michaels too?
(Ex-Framing department employee here)
YEA LETS GO EX-FRAMING DEPARTMENT they never even got around to teaching me production it was all wrapping and taking orders :/ Idk how it is at other shops but we only had 3 people working the whole frame shop. One person did ALL the frame assembly and us other two handled everything else. Was absolutely not worth $11/hr. man fuck retail. FUCK Design Hub too, if I may
#id come in for my like 4 hour shift and would have to run + close shop which included wrapping#wrapping storing calling for all orders done plus get all yhe frames lined plus unpack and clean up all the new frames coming in all by#all by the end of the night PLUS frame shop had to clean the bathrooms every night#plus actually running the front desk and taking orders and sometimes ppl would take hours picking matts that would cut into the time i had#to have everything else finished PLUS if i for some reason had everything done on time theyd make me run sales floor too#it was insane all the stuff they had me learn for such shit pay like. and#never work michales but never do it around the holidays more important#you will never escape the glitter#all that and my framing manager never got around to teaching me how to assemble a frame.#at least it was nice to hide in the frame shop so i wasnt talking to customers 24/7 but still#customers treat you so horribly like i was sweeping once and this lady comes up to me like saying the bathroom was disgusting right#and i get it. it was always disgusting. but we did clean it every night. anyway its hard when you cant just tell people that 1.#1 we clean them every night so if theres a huge mess in it most likely it was another shopper who pissed on the floor just cuz.#and 2 they only give us a mop and some pine sol to clean the whole 2 bathrooms every night. dont blame me blame michals lol#everything else was just so stupid#i wanna know how many framing department ppl everyone else had because we had 2 part time and 1 full time and i was only there a few months
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I see all over Warriors media people celebrating Frostdawn killing Splashtail and, for me (in my opinion (scary I know))... why the fuck did Frostdawn kill Splashtail? I get it was for empowerment or whatever, to symbolize that she was overcoming the abuse and manipulation he put her through, but like... symbolization means jackshit when the reality is Frostdawn would've been fucking dead lmfao.
She trained for a medicine cat for a majority of her life (and still ended up as a med cat by the end of the arc) and trained as a warrior for VERY MINIMALLY under Harelight and what training we did see on the page, she struggled. Splashtail, on the other hand, has been a warrior since River. SPLASHTAIL LITERALLY KILLED HER MENTOR IN ONE HIT?? Splashtail fucking slashed Harelight's throat or something and he died. You could argue that they made Splashtail overpowered or that Splashtail wouldn't reasonably be able to do that since he's still like a year old, OR that Splashtail caught Harelight off-guard, but the fact is that it happened. And with that last point, it shows that Splashtail knows how to take advantage of an opportunity. The reason Frostdawn won is because Harelight spoke to her from StarClan or something telling her how to fight.
IF THAT ISN'T THE MOST BULLSHITTY-
Even with the dead cat coaching, Frostdawn STILL nearly died from her wounds from her fight with Splashtail. She spent like half of the book dead/in limbo until she was sung back to life (Tree I hate you). Like, Squilf didn't have to confront Ashfur and kill him, even though she maybe could; I don't power scale these cats. The symbolism of THAT was so much better: you don't have to confront your abuser head-on to move forward. Squilf wasn't involved in the final battle against Ashfur at all, and I LOVED it because his goal was to hurt her and Graystripe was right, "Stay home in camp, don't show him that he won." (something like that, I forgot what exactly he said) And Squilf moved on without stepping a single paw near that battle. Why did Frostdawn have to kill Splashtail? She's already dealing with enough shit from Curlfeather? Curlfeather was literally grooming Frostdawn to be a med cat her entire life, died the first book in ASC, and Frostdawn was dealing with the fallout and trust issues that it gave her upon learning Curlfeather used and manipulated her. Sure, Frostdawn and Squilf's situations are vastly different, but the message could've still been the same: you don't NEED to confront your abuser head-on to move forward. Hell, even SHADOWSIGHT didn't really fight Ashfur. I personally think it would've been cool as shit if Frostdawn had tried to kill Splashtail because her emotions were running high. She's been through a lot in ASC, like getting exiled, nearly being killed like three times, etc. And she has grown from the meek people-pleaser she was as Frostpaw at the beginning of the arc. But she's still just a cat at the end of the day y'know? One that has trained as a med cat for her entire life, and one that was missing from the Clans for most of the arc. So she might attack Splashtail in fury or something, BUT he's still the more experienced one out of the two of them, so it could be a fake-out of a conclusion. Frostdawn's the protag, she should kill Splashtail, yada yada- NO. She nearly dies bc she was impulsive when she was literally taught how to meditate or something by the Park Cats (my memory is really shitty).
Someone else probably kills Splashtail, and I personally don't think that takes away from Frostdawn's arc in ASC. The cold hard reality is that sometimes the abuser IS bigger than you, but the light in said reality is that there are people who can help you. I think that'd be really neat if Frostdawn came to this conclusion while she was in StarClan for the latter half of Star. She CHOOSES to come back (and not get sang back to life wtf) because she wants to help RiverClan because they have helped her. Literally saved her life from being murdered by Splashtail.
AND Frostdawn was also distrusting of everyone for a good chunk of ASC (I personally think it should've been longer but whatever) because of her trauma with Curlfeather manipulating her and Splashtail, the cat she had previously looked up to in the beginning and even wanted to be mates with, being SO cruel.
#part 1 of 2#this post was originally REALLY LONG#the chest in the closet#a starless clan#frostdawn#splashtail#it's also a bit rambly but it's not as bad as part 2 lol#this is mostly something for my pseudo-au but also my opinion on Frostdawn killing Splashtail#not to be the debbie downer. i don't want to hear “wc is unrealistic why-” shut the hell up#i really liked ASC despite its flaws and questionable writing choices#which are REALLY hard to ignore once you notice them!#but anyway yeah if the ending is abrupt it's because this post was long as shit and i just kinda cut it off#asc spoilers
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(little bit of silence at the beginning because it wouldnt let me upload otherwise RIP) quick plug-and-play this-mix-is-ass-session-terminated type shoujo-a cover but (said in a hushed voice filled with wonderment and awe) soyogi........................................
(ust by Taketonbo)
#I MIGHT look for a different project file or edit it to work better with soyogis voice and cevios.. cevioness#but actually i do like this song with him a lot.... he does better with the fast parts than i expected#but i really love his sort of chesty long notes....... hmmmm.....#also i started like silencing his breaths (NORMAL THING TO SAY WHEN USING VOCAL SYNTHS) i started silencing his breaths in the volume#parameters for like the first half a verse but then i realized im plugging and playing this shit first actually so i gave up and just like.#loosely noisegated them. but man. i do wish cevio had better breath controls#the current situation is um. the voice breathes at every empty space. every single one. no matter how small#the only in engine solution from what i can tell is just manually turning down the volume for any pause where you dont want a breath#which is why every plug and play cover i post for a cevio/voisona voice sounds like they just ran into the studio LOL#(yeah maybe i only figured out what noise gates are like last week..... shhh.... shhhhhhhh)#because i did use that noise gate its not AS BAD but he does still sound a little like hes hyperventilating#which sometimes. especially for a song like this. might be what you want. but you dont really want the breaths on the glottal stops LOL#which is the biggest issue. i do hope someday they figure out a better way to do this. other engines dont breath until u tell them to#i dont mind the opposite situation but there is currently from what i know no way of making them hold their breath LOL#id love like. a phoneme that just cuts out all sound or something. a true 'sil' for cevio#theres xx which like has no phonemes. and an apostrophe does like devoicing shit to vowels i think? but they still like#gasp and wheeze over everything its so funny like soyogi ia tsudumi my friends....... ur breath control....#although can i judge? i cant really sing without getting a headache because i run out of breath too fast LOL
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anyway i need to hang out with my brother again he is the one person who i am pretty sure knows literally everything about me so he's the only person i trust that i can absolutely not disappoint. nothing i can do could be worse than the sum of everything i've been doing to that poor man (and him to me) the past 19 years
#especially now that im back into literally the only interest we actually share on a deep enough level to enjoy it together LOL#i mean we were also both into hannibal but thats just not an enjoyable show to watch together its too much effort#but wow that time we read das boot slash fanfic on the bus together that was awesome#and the time we wrote fanfic together lol LITERALLY WHY DID WE STOP#he has only gotten cooler and more comfortable with his gayness since then we need to write fanfic again ‼️#anyway i feel sorry for every person in my life but i dont think anyone ill ever know could ever have as close a relationship to me as him#were platonic soulmates lol but like not in the spiritual sense bc its pretty obvious that its not some supernatural bond#its juuuust shared trauma haha and the fact that our trauma is so complex and layered that only we will ever truly understand each other#there has been a really rough patch where we practically did not talk for 4... 5? whole years im serious. maybe on the weekends sometimes#while we were stewing in our own shit. but now were inseperable i think it actually pisses off the rest of our family because every time#theres some event where we meet again (we live like 5 hours apart) we only hang around for like an hour before we get in his car#and drive somewhere and hang out there for the rest of the day and night and only return at like 3am drunk#in a sense i guess were catching up on all the missed time#to be honest we both had some horrible shit going on in our heads me with the transgenderism and toxic relationship#him with his anger issues and (what he calls) psychopathy. like ill say this much he was not a good person as a child he was a devil#he was quite literally what some describe as born evil like u know those satans spawns kids that cut off babys fingers and dissect rabbits#all that yk. and i was his first and most frequent victim due to availability lol and my parents did not know any of it and if they did#they ignored it. so yeah u can imagine the relationship was a little strained and for a long time i lived in fear of him#also due to all the death threats and attempts on my life HAHA its kinda funny because i can say all this all detached now#but i think to anyone else this sounds mad as hell. like im not talking roughhousing or being mad at each other#he was always scarily calm and hyperintelligent he was actually diagnosed with some form of like super high intelligence that#makes kids capable of being really manipulative and thats what he used at every turn. everything was always calculated that was scary#if he was nice to me i would question if he was trying to lure me somewhere to hurt me yk?#anyway. sometimes those old thoughts come back when were hanging out alone but mostly i know hes changed and worked on himself#sorry oversharing oh wow
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I think with a lot of Visual Kei it's important to make a distinction between genre (as in musical category and history thereof) and scene (as in label environment, the production conditions, the musicians they work with and inspiring each other, the media and festivals and concerts and venues they appear at, fan culture, and such) because Vkei is a music scene without an underlying music genre tying it together, that's what makes it so hard to define musically.
Like yes a bunch of them play straight up dark wave and goth rock and post-punk, but have no points of contact to the goth scene, they're fully embedded in the vkei scene instead so i don't consider them goth. And then others are so very clearly visual, but have barely any contact to the vkei scene and are therefore not - Soft Ballet is in here, they're coming from a New Romantics background iirc.
It's not that easy with Buck-Tick though. Whether they can be considered vkei is muddy at best - very influential of course, but are you part of the scene you helped inspire? Andrew Eldritch would like a word with you.
And the ties to the goth scene are very clearly there. Not only because of Sakurai, Toll is also well connected (just watch his interview with Genet about this very question, even if i have a low opinion of that guy you can't deny Auto-Mod is central to the Japanese goth scene). And probably lots via Imai, though i don't know enough to continue here.
And sure some Buck-Tick albums have the goth sound, but not all. But then again, neither do The Cure.
#i'm neither a full goth nor a hardcore BT fan (just a regular fan lol) so i am probably less qualified to speak on this#but i had thoughts and started babbling; don't mind me ^.^#writing this out actually changed my opinion on the last poll. i would answer yes now.#my poll answer was informed by my negative feelings about back when buck-tick swept all the goth polls.#it felt like erasure ... some internalized shit about vkei being cringe and goth being cool#and so much creativity in the vkei scene being overlooked because of its association with cringe fangirls. which i am. or was. or am again.#as if cherry-picked the most standout vkei bands and declaring them not vkei anymore but goth now#idk this ramble doesn't make sense and i have recognized that now. because as said above it's not that clear cut!#vkei#buck-tick#i don't know whether i should publish this because i'm insecure about having the wrong take or not being qualified enough here...#but today seems to be the hot take day so 🙏
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feeling complicated things this wednesday at 2pm
#thinking abt how at the tail end of high school both friend groups Completely cut me off..one because 1 girl was jealous the other#was soending more time with me and was tired of being essentially bullied by her. but not enough to not cut me out :')#and the other bc the Main Girl decided she didnt like me calling her out for being a jackass so she condemned me and the rest were too#afraid to challenge her lol. they ended up literally replacing me with a kid 2 yrs younger that i had previously been assigned as big siste#to??? lol and even she was happy to be included which. fine she was a kid not really her fault#but then 1 month after graduating wgich i sat thru Alone omi had her 1st stroke and then the hospital failed to notice the 2nd one she had#in their care. so my best and only friend in the world had her life stolen from her and her biggest fear realized overnight.#so ofc i completely shut down and ny mom is so personally offended by this she becomes wildly cruel and bullies the fuck out of ME#and i had already been suicidal for like a decade at that point and was Only staying alive for her sake. suddenly that was all for nothing#so i give up get into drugs and alcohol after having never touched any if it VEHEMENTLY being against it at all but fuck it at that point#which spirals into me dating my ex who was my new boss after my parents forced me to get a new job despite already deciding i was gonna kms#so he sexually harasses me until i say sure fuck it why not . except it turns out i fall in love easily. bc i had never dated before.#and then im public enemy number one for this and all the family friends and STRANGERS regardless of watching ne grow up or not#decide to jump on the lets attack slash be rude to slash bully this kid even more so they KNOW we dissaprove#anyway. its been a very long 9 years.#this is me Still leaving significant shit out too. god lol i was ROBBED of my early adulthood truly
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ok i am actually so very angry and there's literally nothing i can do to fix it. life keeps going on. she might even be happy. and fuck dude, i'll make sure im happy too, i was a fully developed person before she was in my life and i'll continue to be one without her. but God Damn, the fact that she can just do something so blatantly awful and unfair to me and then run off without any actual repercussions is just so fucking rankling to me.
like perhaps she feels guilty. she said she did when it was all going down. but it was just something she "needed to do". so obviously she didn't feel guilty enough or she wouldnt have done it like that lmaoooo
i really did deserve to have a good solid yell at her. but unfortunately, by the time i did see her in person i just wanted her out of my fucking life. so. no yelling was done, unfortunately.
#speculation nation#the duality of being a deeply resentful and angry person. and being a person that Tries to be mature and peaceful.#like im not gonna actually Do shit even tho i keep wanting to message her just to yell at her some more again#it's like there's a beast in me that keeps yelling for retribution. she wronged me in such a disrespectful and humiliating way#and yet she just gets to walk away like it was nothing? live her life like it was nothing?#be in 'love' with her new 'soulmate' after cutting me off like a rotten limb?#i feel so DEEPLY angry. i want to spit vitriol and fire. i want to dig my claws into her bones. make her really FEEL how i feel.#i want to wander into her dreams and make her experience what i felt. every miserable second of silence.#the humiliation of admitting you might be falling in love only to be told you were never loved at all.#and i want to knee her in the gut and spit in her face and really make her regret ever fucking wronging me#but unfortunately im a stupid fucking pacifist so all the aggression and anger and violence has no FUCKING outlet#ive been. trying to not think about it too much. ive been trying to just live my life. because i dont want her to run my life.#but the anger keeps catching up to me. filtering in when i dont expect it. endless constant fucking thoughts coming back to me#on and on and on and on i live and i eat and i read and i game and i hate and i hate and i hate and i hate and i hate and i HATE AND I HATE#the greatest injustice is that i cannot make her truly feel every single ounce of my resentment and anger#it's so overwhelming i think i could choke on it. and she gets to live her FUCKING happy little life with her stupid fucking 'soulmate'#i hope it collapses around her and she loses her too so she's single and alone and miserable and regretting all of her fucking impulsivenes#she deserves to have it fail after what she did to me. and all i can really do is hope that karma has its fucking kiss for her.#if only curses were real. what i wouldnt give to put some energy into that karmic payback lmfao.#ok . ok ok ok ok love and peace on planet earth. i am shifting out of vitriolic little shit mode.#just had to let some of the steam out. im still angry but i am going to go back to not thinking about it.#i think i should go on a nice long bike ride tomorrow. to decompress and work some of the steam out.#it's something that she can never take from me. something that is so wholly mine. fuck that stupid bitch and fuck her new girlfriend too#...............................ok NOW im shifting out of vitriolic mode. lol#negative/#WAHOOOOOO i am certainly not taking this breakup well. but i dont think anyone would be lmfao.#all things considered i think im doing a pretty great job at handling this breakup.#bc at least im only recounting unrealistic threats and fantasies on my tumblr dot com instead of messaging Any of this to her.#i may kinda want her to read it so that she knows anyways. but i wont message her directly. bc i am Trying to be at least a little mature.#complaining on my tumblr dot com so i dont message my ex with more vitriol. gotta cope Somehow.
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cant sleep because im seething with anger
#been laying here for like 40 minutes fantasizing about finally snapping and telling my mom everything i really think and feel#if i ever came out to her she would end up cutting me off like she did to my aunts and uncles and cousins#basically im alone and my parents and siblings are the only family i can be in contact with right now and its isolating#off topic but yeah#i miss having a big family and people besides my parents that i could rely on. people i felt like i could actually breathe around#idk. whatever#why do i feel responsible for her actions all the time. its been my job to keep her stable and listen to her vent for years#but i never say anything about my own feelings. because she would make me feel stupid and ridicule me. lol#all she does is make me feel like shit most of the time. shes always in a bad mood and shes always whining and always pessimistic#and yeah i get along with her for the most part but lately her attitude has been weighing on me a lot. i cant criticize or disagree with her#because she'll just get mad. shes always been an angry person. thats why i hardly spoke to her from ages 10-15#maybe i jsut wanted to give her another chance. maybe i felt sympathy for her. shes had it rough her whole life#but when shes still bitter no matter how many times i comfort her and let her vent and cry to me and when she chooses her husband over me#every single time he fucks up (which is like. constantly) and always takes his side when they inevitably make up after a huge fight#it feels like i'll never be able to make her happy. it feels like i should stop trying. if she wants to be full of hatred#and have a shitty husband then fine. i cant fix her like and i cant hold the weight of her mistakes#*life
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Was considering buying (ridiculously overpriced) Sunny blu-rays to (very, very legally) rip them (for Personal Use archival purposes), decided to test on a blu-ray I already own, realized my external drive only reads DVDs, successfully ripped a DVD, but then was sent down a rabbit hole trying to see if I could use my (again, very, very legally) hacked PS3 to rip the .iso (I can) since it is indeed a blu-ray player with an attached PC-adjacent machine...
Long story short. If you see me spending $70 on seasons 1-5 on DVD and 6 on blu-ray, no you didn't, but also expect a 1080p season 6 bloopers upload in the near future.
definitely not from me, though. no way. i would never do that. i'm not a pirate. i'm just a good ole upstanding wiki admin.
#i need season 8 so bad but the price of it on bluray is ATROCIOUS#THESE MFERS ARE ASKING FOR EIGHTY WHOLE DOLLARS. FOR ONE BLURAY. and i'm NOT about to get fucked over with a bootleg so options are limited#i mmmmight hold off on the earlier season dvds because i think i might actually have some luck finding them in local stores#but who the FUCK has season 8 on bluray. im convinced there are only like 5 legit copies out there.#afaik a good chunk of the season 1-4 extras are out there already but the interlacing on them is disgusting#so if i can. i'm going to attempt to deinterlace them properly and then stick em on the internet archive#ada speaks#actually i should probably... see if anyone is interested in donating to help cover this lol#the episodes are out there and there arent any official blurays after season 8 (so like why even bother with 9 to 11's subpar 720p DVDs)#but 6-8 extras are all shit quality if theyre even available online at all#youtube doesnt cut it for me either#YEAH Y'ALL REMEMBER MACDEN BREAK UP BEAUTIFUL LIPS SCENE. ITS GONE. NOWHERE TO BE FOUND OTHER THAN TUMBLR.#and i. will change that singlehandedly if its the last thing i do#also like i need the cereal defense scene in hq i literally attempted to upscale the shitty youtube copy i was desperate#this is for me. the fact that im able to download every fucking dvd extra for THE X FILES. a series as old as me. but not for sunny.#FX why do you hate sunny so bad. go on. rerelease these dvds. release a fucking season 15 blu ray. bitch.#its so horrific that season 10 only has a gag reel and 11 has NOTHING included on the disc for bonuses#season 6 has a wholeass trivia game#what happened#its not even like the bonus feature stuff doesnt exist its just on youtube#and MOST of the shit is privated. because FX sucks.#low quality compressed youtube videos that ppl have downloaded and reuploaded and crunched to shit all over again#at least some of them are archived. but. fuck
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#good god yeah im about to start my period soon#im like. crying over stupid shit again#and i also slept for like 3 hours after work because i was exhausted#but i have an interview tomorrow after work which#im nervous but also excited about#i got demoted at work because it apparently took them three years to tell me that i wasn't leader like enough and i take too long#its not an AWFUL pay cut but its not worth it for the work that i do actually do lol#so fuck em#gonna go somewhere i can actually have some fucking downtime#suck my cock chipohell
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#im making huge huge changes in my life and i think the next logical step would be to cut off jamie. ive already been ghosting him but thats#just me avoiding the problem. i just like. it feels fucked to be like hey i told you i was ok with what you did but i Changed my mind#i just think like. i have next to no contact with him and i feel fucking fantastic. we talk like every couple months on the rare occurrence#he can text and then i answer in vague short sentences and ghost. and now that i finally have firm boundaries with him and havent engaged#with him sexually its like. i feel like basically all my ties are cut. and i feel like im ready to let go for the first time. like ive#always felt like i just wasnt ready but now i like i Am ready its just a matter of like. doing it. thats difficult. even though i know hell#accept it because hes matured. and like. idk. i think its fine like this#and idk i think its fine like this. being the absolute barest form of acquaintances. i cannot stress how little we interact and how little#affect he has on my life at this point outside of what happened in the past. like i am in a good place he is 99% cut off i just need to do#the last bit. but like also fuck. you know. its hard to kinda finish it off. and its also like ooh it would hurt his feelings but now i#fucking. dont care lol. after everything. with blue i realize every day just how much more respected i feel and less gross and shitty#even with being jamies friend which we never were because whenever i was single we were sexual. i just felt bad. i never wanted to fuck#either. and he would say he loved me and id be like hahaha yeahhhh and now that ive finally drawn that boundary and said he cant do that#anymore i feel so much lighter and i just feel so happy and safe with blue in a way ive never felt with jamie and its like. im almost there#i feel like i might be able to cut him off by the end of the year. and thats crazy to me. i just also have a lot of like shit to unpack#in general too also. with what he did. and i just have a lot. but i feel like im progressing
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#today on: Allie Liveblogs Her Parents’ Divorce:#two and a half fucking hour long phone call with my dad about how he thinks my mom is the problem#in the INSANE dynamic they have going on with his 24 year old lesbian employee who is LIVING WITH THEMMMMMMM#and him doing his signature I Am Just A Reasonable Man Perceiving The Situation Objectively shtick#us both mouthing I WILL KILL YOU!!!!!!!! at the phone#ohhhhhh he wanted us to say she should just get over her frustration and then there wouldn’t be a problem#and she shouldn’t be frustrated in the first place because the problems Aren’t Even Legitimate Problems Because They Could Be Worse#and like. my mom has been bringing up divorce to us since 2019 and he has expressed that he wants to improve the marriage recently#and they uh. got married due to a miscommunication and are entirely incompatible LOL like i’ve been Trying but this call made me feel like…#Its So Over My Dudes#but apparently he thinks their marriage is NOT on thin ice it’s a 9/10#revised to ‘idk MAYBE it’s an 8/10’ when he told us he doesn’t think. in 34 years. they have ever had a two sided conversation…#they Have Never Once Had A Conversation by his recounting. thats not true but it IS an insane thing to say STEVE#ohhhhhh he makes me mad ohhhhh i’ve been in my Dad Anger era for a couple months and he brought it to the SURFACE tonight babey!!!!!!!!!#ohhhhhhhh he does not respect his wife he does not try to understand her he does not think of her as a real person#and i mean. she’s nuts and takes her feelings out on everyone around her!!! she is only just now seeking to manage her adhd#but she tries so hard for him and he’s just. full of shit and i’m sick of him. ok cutting myself off but this has been:#ALHPD#which will be the tag now ig if anyone wants to mute LOL#ohhhhhhhhhh this has dealt me so much psychic damage i have so much evil energy now lmao#ohhhhhh 🔪🔪🔪👨🏻🪚🪚🪚#🔨🔨🔨🔨#🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪📈📈📈📈📈📈📈📈#ok that’s all
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