#it's a tough balance and I'm not good at it either but my mom is like this about. everything. constantly. it's tiresome

[blujayonthewing]

my mom: I never remember to do things on time I'm such a worthless piece of shit LMAO

my aunt:

[etherealily]

𝙴𝙸𝙶𝙷𝚃𝙴𝙴𝙽 // 𝙉𝙁𝙅!

Nate Jacobs + Fem!reader. Warnings : Dark. SFW, but discretion advised. Drugs.

I don't know if this is milder or darker than the previous parts, but I do know that it is LONG.

Part 1 : Whiplash

Part 2 : 9 Lives

Part 3 : Blessed

Part 4 : Shards

Part 6 : Sin

You do NOT have permission to repost and/or translate any of my fics.

Desc. : You're fun and you're wild, but you don't know the half of the shit that you put me through

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TUESDAY, LIBRARY, 4 PM.

"We need to talk."

Suddenly, Carl Jung had never been more interesting, your eyes unable to rip away from the words on the paper in front of them, ignoring Nate as much as possible.

Your shoulder suddenly jerked, and a soft whisper followed. "Hey. We need to talk."

Frowning, your eyes darted between the two Jacobs brothers, the looks on their faces not strict, but the most infuriatingly stoic gazes mankind had ever known.

"You had quite a weekend, right? Anything crazy happen?"

The real question Aaron was asking was whether you were going to talk about it.

"Nope, just lots of psych homework."

"See, this is why I'm telling you to drop Psych. Unnecessary stress.", remarked Nate, his fingers rapping on the table in an almost musical pattern. Almost, because music is art, and there was nothing artistic about the false smile he was giving you.

"I'll keep that in mind."

"How are the rest of classes going?" Small talk?

"Great. Chem is pissing me off, though."

"Eh, well, only nerds are good at Chem, and I don't fuck with nerds. So you're lucky."

Oh, thanks, man. Such an honour.

"Are you good at Chem?"

"I pass."

"Where'd you get time to study? What with all the vapes and parties and quote-unquote 'dozens of bitches'?"

He let out a breathy laugh. "I got good work-life balance.", he replied, leaning on his arms closer to you. His head tilted and you knew something psychotic was about to happen. Well, it was Nate. You knew something psychotic was about to happen the second he walked in.

"I'll bet."

He smiled at that. "Are you my friend, Y/N? Are we friends?"

"I don't think so."

"Good. We're on the same page.", he hissed, moving in closer, glaring at you with the same eyes that had been acting as a dam to his true emotions two nights ago. "You can't tell anyone." His fingers deftly twirled your hair around before tucking it behind your ear.

"About?"

"Saturday."

"How you threw a lamp at me?"

"What you heard about my Dad. What he wanted to... what he said. What you learnt about our family."

"I won't."

"No, seriously, Y/N, don't fucking play with me right now. You'll regret it if you do."

"I'm not playing around, either. I'm not going to tell anyone."

"Good.", sniped Aaron. "'Cause we'll fucking ruin your life if you do."

"Aaron.", whispered Nate, shaking his head. "She already said she wouldn't."

"And you trust her?! She walked in with this polite girl attitude and then when shit got tough, she yelled at you with Mom just a room away. And you told me she wanted to fuck Da-"

"Aaron, shut the FUCK up, okay? She said she isn't going to, so she won't." The glares were back on you, an unwelcome blanket in the heat of tension.

"Yeah, we wouldn't want to have to say stuff about you , too."

"Aaron, I said fuckin' drop it."

"No, she gotta know what's at stake, or she's going to take this shit lightly."

You could almost see the vein pop in Nate's head.

"Nate, what... what stuff?"

"It's nothing. Just... we needed incentive.", he muttered, shrugging.

"What incentive?"

"You're buddy-buddy with a drug dealer, Y/N.", he continued, although, to his credit, it seemed with a little reluctance. "And he has access to a lot of shit, right? Who knows if he's ever slipped something into your drink and... y'know."

"What the FUCK? What the FUCK, NATE?"

His idea of incentive was making you a rape victim?!

Being shushed by the librarian solidified your thirst for homicide.

"I mean, you fucked Shane voluntarily, so you're already a fuckin' whore.", he declared, shrugging again as if he was just stating that the sky would be lit up by fireworks on the Fourth of July. "Maybe he just thought it would be easier, without all the playing-hard-to-get-shit. You're close enough that he trusts you to watch over his store."

"You can't FUCKING be serious! FEZCO WOULD NEVER FUCKING-"

"How sad, you're in denial.", tutted Aaron, pouting. "How would you know? He could have used shit stronger than Rohypnol, ya know? Shit that could knock you out cold for hours, and maybe he even called a couple of his trapper buddies-"

Aaron shut up quite quickly when your knuckles met his jaw, but started cussing you out when Nate pulled you off of him. "We're just saying, Y/N, you don't tell anyone the truth of that night, we won't tell them the lies about Fezco."

You pointed your finger at Nate's chest, hoping to god that that would distract him from the rage-induced tears pooling in your eyes.

"You're a fucking coward, Jacobs. With a pervert dad. A fucking coward who can't admit that he has no idea what the fuck he's doing."

"Big words coming from a girl that was raped by her dealer."

OH, someone needs to euthanize this motherfucker.

FUCK. NATE. JACOBS.

TUESDAY, 9PM

Nate had no fucking clue why he was doing this.

He was just drunk, he supposed. Drunk and horny. Average teenage experience.

But it's like.. he could've done anything. ANYTHING else. He could've actually gone to the party, picked up some girl, screwed her into the bed.

But no.

He sat there, scrolling through the fucking SlutPages. For who?Shane's sister, maybe, because of the inexplicable hatred he'd been feeling for him for about a month that he couldn't really think of a reason for? You would think, wouldn't you?

He looked for you.

There was no way you were a virgin. But he should've known there was also no way you were a slut. Or at least, that you were smart enough not to end up there.

He almost fucking threw the phone onto the wall. Fuck.

And you'd blocked him. That was the problem. He couldn't even text you. And he didn't have your fucking phone number, Jesus fucking Christ, he should've gotten it! Relying on something as flimsy as social fucking media was stupid. Idiot.

Wait. Social media.

He quickly slid his chair over to his computer, his hands moving with a pace and mind of their own.

No fucking way would he admit this, but his brother... had some good ideas, once in a while.

When he was fourteen, he'd been wide-eyed, watching through the crack through a door as his older brother -17 at the time- created an account, some random username, some girly bullshit, and then gone Incognito, finding a picture to add.

And then he watched as his brother spent hours poring through pictures of girls - at the time, Nate's seniors- and then suddenly sigh.

"You know, you breathe like fucking Darth Vader?" "What's that?", he'd asked, ignoring that comment and padding over to sit next to him. "This account? I'll tell you, but it- it's like... private brother shit, ok?"

"Shit". What a novel word that was at the time.

"Okay." "Spit-swear it, runt."

He spit-swore. A thing he never fucking did again.

"You can use it. Whenever you're down bad for a chick but you're blocked." "Why would a chick I'm down bad for block me?" "You're so obviously fourteen."

And god fucking damnit, was he.

Not that he was down bad for you. But all he'd say is if this wasn't love, it was pretty fucking close. Why you enthralled him, no clue. You were so easy to rile up, but hard to push too far. You always seemed to be limitless.

He logged in.

Good, the loser, Crestin, posted a story.

Good, you were there in the background.

Great, you were hot.

Bad, you were drinking. Tequila. Wasn't that you and Nate's thing?

Of course, he wouldn't presume to have taken your tequila-V-Card, but he most definitely would have assumed that you'd associate tequila with him. With that night. He'd assumed you'd stay away from it, metaphorically forsaking him in the process.

But no.

Shane's tequila was non-traumatic, and apparently delicious. Ugh.

This simply would not do.

TUESDAY, SHANE'S PARTY, 11PM

"No, NO, GET the FUCK away from me!", you warned, pointing a finger at him. You should've taken his advice and learnt to shoot. "I'm warning you, Jacobs!"

Shane's party was meant to be the one place you could be to avoid Nate, seeing as the host was some sort of Nate-repellent, but NO, you'd just apparently underestimated Nate Jacobs once again.

And here he was, his hand gripping your wrist - just like the rope you wanted to grip his neck - and glaring down at you as if you'd just killed his entire family but he was mildly turned on by it.

"Y/N, just fucking listen! Just- stop causing a scene! Fuckin' LISTEN!", he ordered, grabbing your shoulder with one palm and pointing at you with the other hand, to stop you from writhing away from him.

"You can't just do what you did last week and then expec-"

He kissed you. What did he think this was, fucking Disney Channel?

"NO! NO!", you shouted, shoving him away and secretly hoping for a car to hit him as he stumbled back.

No such luck.

It really was the world according to Nate, wasn't it?

"You know it's okay, right? It's alright."

"What?"

"It's okay to want me.", he informed you, as if he was telling you it was okay to sing in the shower.

Everyone does it. It's like, a thing, relax.

"It's okay.", he continued, "People want what's bad for them all the time.", he murmured, his thumb tracing your lip like he was tracing out a line he wanted so desperately to cross. "It's human nature."

"You think I'm bad for you?"

He took a deep breath, as if he was about to tell you you were terminal. "I think you're good for my soul. Like a baptism without the water." His thumb moved further into your mouth, just barely grazing your teeth.

"Even you have no clue what that meant, admit it."

"It's called effect, Y/N. Drama. Intrigue. Doesn't have to make sense."

You stared up at him, waiting for elaboration, and that earned a huff from him as he looked around at the other people in the front yard - doing lines, making out, throwing up - before turning back to you. "No, honey, I don't think you're bad for me. In fact, I think you're unnecessarily good for me."

"Unnecessarily?"

"As in, I don't need your energy."

"Then why are you so insistent on being around it? 'Cause you want to fuck me?"

"No! Jesus. It's in the name, Y/N. GOOD luck charm. You help me do GOOD in my games. You're good energy."

"What's next? You gonna tell me my birthstone?"

"Oh, shut up.", he chuckled, shaking his head as he moved your jaw from side-to-side in what seemed to be a playful gesture, but at this point, could very well have been him trying to ascertain which cheek to shoot into or something. "You got your licks in. We good?"

"Good? No. NO. We're not good! You threatened someone I love, so no fuckin' way are we good!"

"I know, I know. Aaron wanted me to-"

"BULLSHIT!"

He sighed, as if you were his deranged relative who was climbing up some telephone pole.

"YOU just can't handle the fact that I saw you almost fucking cry! I caught you weak, and that's a power shift, and you don't FUCKING like it, do you?!"

His jaw ticked for a moment, but he managed to let out a mix between a scoff and a chuckle. And then, as if what you said wasn't quite literally exactly what he was feeling, he asked, "Are you done?"

"NO, I'm not fucking done! I still haven't got to the part where you threatened to accuse him of rape, which is a fucking terrible thing to joke about in the first pla-"

"Look, man, I don't have time for this shit, okay? I'm not hurting Fezco! I came here so I could tell you something."

"My GOD, Nate, you made your point! I won't tell anyone!", you groaned, snatching a drink from some already-tipsy guy's hand and downing it.

"That's totally hygienic.", he remarked, eyes finally tearing away from you as you both watched the drunkard stumble over a girl who was getting rid of her lunch and breakfast in the bushes.

"I got new incentive.", he murmured, his forehead against yours, and his thumb rubbing your cheek as if it owned land there.

"What, now you're going make Shane out to be a rapist, too?"

Not a bad idea, actually. The corners of his mouth curled down, and he scanned your face as if he were actually thinking about it, eliciting a tsk from you.

He hid a chortle as he continued. "I'm offering you a deal. You were right, back at the bleachers about the control thing."

He was about to ask you to sell your soul, you could fucking feel it.

"So... you get to control me. For however long you need. Like, a month, a week, whatever. Just don't tell anyone about my family."

Whoa. Plot twist. You did not expect him to sell his soul.

"Oh, yeah, I'm sure. So if I asked you to show up to school naked?"

"Yes, I'd show up to school naked for you. But it's funny seeing me naked is your first instinct."

His trust issues were suddenly working out in your favour- he was essentially offering himself up as collateral.

"If I ask you to announce a formal apology to me on a bullhorn before your game?"

"I just want you to leave my family alone, Y/N."

So that's where Nate Jacobs' humanity began. At his family. Noted.

"I promise. I'll do anything." The urge to say 'then die' was strong, but not invincible.

You wracked your brain looking for something you could make this psychopath do that would not cause him immense pleasure.

"Ah, see? Being the one in control isn't all it's cracked up to be. Too much power, and you don't even know what to do with it.", he taunted, pouting as he closed his eyes, pressing his forehead harder against yours. "Think. What is it you want from me?"

What the fuck did you want him to do?

"Do you want an apology? No, 'cause I've already given you plenty and you don't want meaningless things, do you?" His lips lightly touched yours and you could swear he smirked when you flinched on reflex.

But no. That wasn't what you wanted. He was spot-on.

"You want... do you want money? I'm a trust fund baby, essentially, right? My father basically owns the town. Sure, I could hook you up. Royal Enfield, BMW. Or, if you want, Chanel? But that won't cost me anything, at least not emotionally, yeah? So no. That's not it, either."

Why did you suddenly feel like your thoughts were transferring into his head?

"You want me? You want to cut me up, just like I forced you to watch me do to myself? You want to hold a gun to my throat like I did to you? No, because I'd low-key like it."

Yes, he would. So no, you didn't want it.

"C'mon, think. I'm at your mercy, I'm all yours. There's definitely one thing you want and you're just too much of a pussy to say it."

Why were you letting him do this? Why did you just accept that it was the world according to Nate?

"You wanna know what I think, huh? Huh? I'll tell you what I think.", he murmured. "I think you want me to care."

That got your attention. "Care?"

"I think you actually want me to give a shit about you, so you can justify to yourself why you keep lettin' this happen, don'tcha?", he asked, thumb rubbing your jawline. "You want me to stop acting like this whole thing between us is a game. You want me to acknowledge what I'm doing to you."

You hated this. You hated when men were right - it was ridiculous. And you absolutely despised when Nate was right, because it was dangerous.

"Look, I just want you out of my life, Nate.", you lied.

That had come out way too fast. That was the easiest thing he could do. That was the kindest thing you could have ordered him to do. That was mercy.

So why was he acting like you'd just asked him to jump into a fire?

"That's it?"

He didn't buy it. And neither did you. Because yes, you'd technically be very reasonable to want him out of your life. But no, the danger, the unnecessarily sexy amount of mortal peril you'd be in every second that you were around him- it was your fucked up version of heroin.

"I don't think you understand just what you're asking. You're going to miss me."

You scoffed and he shrugged, in a gesture that only seemed pitiful, as though he were allowing you to believe that for the time being.

'Denial isn't just a river in Egypt, baby', you could almost hear him snark.

"What if I miss you?"

You shrugged, downing another shot - one you'd stolen from a drunk girl this time. "I dunno. Just don't."

"You'll still come to games? Fist-bump me?"

"Still come to games? I guess, maybe? I'll high-five you, or something."

"I'll think it over." Wait, wasn't he the one who was making an offer?

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He found you almost fifteen minutes later, probably after mulling it over with a drink.

"I accept your terms. I'll go out of your life, starting Monday. However, I've got a little som'n som'n to show you.".

An AK-47? An atom-bomb? A grave he dug specially for you?

"It's a surprise. Only an hour. That's all I'm asking."

Only your sanity. That's all he was asking.

You'd promised yourself you'd never take anything from Nate Jacobs again, and you'd stuck to it.

I mean.

That was until he'd offered you molly.

Molly made you happy.

Molly made you forget stuff, like college apps, the loss of your internship and the fact that you'd basically been lying to your family the entirety of last week about the scar on your forehead.

But how he'd found that out was a question for the ages. And he seemed to know exactly what molly did to you.

And you best believe he was milking it.

"I want to get a tattoo."

"Okay...?"

"Correction : I want us to get a tattoo.", he whispered, before tsk-ing at your derisive snort. "C'mon, you get to draw whatever you want on me and I'll get it tattooed, I promise!"

"Tattoos are permanent, Nate."

"And you know what? So am I. In your life. In your head. On your lips.", he reminded, grinning mischievously, his tongue forcing its way into your mouth.

You barely fought against him - the ecstasy sprinting through your blood vessels - and you found yourself lying back on the grass, his hands bracketing your hair.

"Just fucking draw something on me, Y/N. Come on. And I'll draw something on you. Yeah? Sound good?", he asked, his hand creeping up your shirt with surprising reverence.

He chuckled breathily against your lips, shaking his head as he rolled off you, lying next to you.

"I'll draw something nice and meaningful. And you get to, as well. Nothing cheesy, though. Like a fucking arrow-heart or an anchor or some shit."

"How about a star?"

"What, a star is not cheesy? That's the cheesiest thing ever. That's the pussy tattoo.", he muttered, before looking up at your eyes, sighing magnanimously. "What kind of star?"

"The ones that are hard to draw. With all the lines."

"Really, Y/N? I give you the chance to mark my body up and you want the hardest thing to draw from second grade?"

"Where'd you want it?"

"Where will you be willing to touch me?"

That was a million dollar question. Willing is a very subjective term.

"Neck. Under my ear."

You nodded, taking the pen he'd brought and gently tracing out a couple stars under his neck. He played with some of your hair that had fallen in front of his face, with terrifying dedication, as you did so. "Yeah. Done. You actually getting this tattooed?"

"Now you.", he ordered, grabbing your wrist, not answering the question. Red flag number eleven thousand. The pen lid in his mouth and a focused furrow to his brow, he began drawing.

"Infinity symbol.", he informed you, before you could even ask.

"Why?"

"I dunno. It's meaningful. 'To infinity and beyond'. Favourite Disney Movie, right?"

"That is not my favourite-"

"Yeah, well, it's mine. Buzz Lightyear is like, my hero.", he muttered, rubbing his thumb over the drawing and then kissing it softly, all while looking at you.

"Really? You seem like a Big Hero 6 guy to me."

He laughed deeper. "You always take me so seriously."

"Fuuuck, I know I'm not supposed to say this..."

He lolled his head over to you. "You could tell me you're Ted Bundy reincarnate and I'd still smash."

You decided to ignore that comment. "I'm not supposed to say this, but... but I get why Rue did it. Like Jesus fucking Christ."

He nodded in understanding, looking at the tiny packet that still had a couple pills in it. "She was just too weak to limit herself. But we got no limits. You got infinity on your wrist."

"Look, Nate, I can't tattoo that shit. My family would kill themselves."

"Same."

"Then why did you-"

"We're gonna do something that could go either way. It could either freak you out or turn you on. On the off chance that it's both, then we're more similar than you realize.", he slurred, lazily brushing hair behind your ear. "'Kay?"

"What are we gonna do?", you asked, trying your hardest to pull away, but the ecstasy made you genuinely defenceless against human touch. And it didn't help that Nate was holding your arms tightly down on the ground, as if he were trying to plant roots.

"We're going to carve the tattoos."

He said it so conspiratorially. As though this was your secret to surviving the zombie apocalypse. And his fucking eyes. Glowing like fireworks. Glowing like a child finally being told he could get what he wanted for Christmas.

"WHAT?!"

He licked his lips with an almost roll of his eyes as he looked up at you, because you were so clearly overreacting, right? Slitting your own skin in the shape of an infinity on it was a perfectly normal teenage activity. Of course. Drinking, smoking, fucking, slicing.

"I'll do it. I'm experienced, as you know.", he scoffed, his lips at your shoulder now. "We only have about fifteen minutes left of your curfew, Y/N, please. Please? Play nice."

The molly was clouding your senses, clearly. You could tell because a) you were still having this conversation and b) you didn't even question how he knew what time your curfew was, and c) you hadn't punched him yet.

"Think about it, it's less permanent than a tattoo, baby, please."

And then he placed another one of those little pink pills on your tongue, pressing down and forcing you to swallow.

MONDAY.

The scream came too late to your liking.

You'd tried to scream faster, but everything had come rushing back to you. The fever dream was not a dream. It's always relieving when terrible 'realities' end up only being dreams. It's a different kind of terror when you realize that the nightmare was real.

The number eighteen was etched on your wrist like a pathetic mark, like... like a brand.

You couldn't even begin to figure out just what the fuck that was supposed to be. Eighteen? How was that meaningful? The year it becomes legal to have sex? Freedom, maybe? Joy?

He wanted this aneurysm in your head. He'd placed it there.

FUCK !

FRIDAY.

"What? What is it you want?!"

He frowned, his face softening out of genuine confusion, make him look almost comically harmless in the harsh stadium lighting. "You said you'd still fist-bump me."

"What does 18 mean?"

He shrugged, holding out his fist. You rolled your eyes, bumping it with your own. And then, after telling yourself you were imagining the ghost of a smirk on his lips, you froze. Because he'd turned, running off to the middle of the field. You saw his back.

His jersey. 18. FUCK. He blew you a kiss about two seconds before the ball was passed to him. 18. FUCK.

"Did you just fist-bump Nate?"

"Yeah."

"Why?", asked Maddy, scoffing softly.

"He was talking to me about the project and then he said he had to go, so I wished him luck and... I guess I fist-bumped him."

"Oh, yeah, ew, the project. How's that going?"

"I scrapped it."

"Why?", she questioned, after shaking her pom-poms and screaming out some over-enthusiastic cheer.

"I don't fucking like him. At all. He's a DICK."

"What? No way. I had no idea.", she muttered sardonically, slinging an arm around your shoulder. "But was it, like, really bad?"

You nodded.

"After the game, you wanna do molly?"

"No." The reply was almost immediate.

"You don't wanna do molly? Don't bullshit me. Shut up. You're doing it with me."

You'd have hugged Maddy for knowing you so well if you weren't so focused on the big, blue, number 18 running on the field, matching the big, red one staying still on your wrist.

FRIDAY, 9PM

Staying over at Maddy's was an offer you shouldn't have declined, because it was getting genuinely infuriating how Nate found out things.

You were still extremely lacking in sobriety when he'd crawled into your bed that night, covering your mouth to make sure you didn't scream. How? Million dollar question.

"You want me to tell you a secret?"

"A secret? Wait, not some bullshit about my lips that you came up with?"

"I listened to Queen."

You sat up. "WHAT?"

He chuckled, sitting up as well and tilting his head while resting it on his knees. "What? Elvis, too. I even watched Blue Hawaii. I low-key liked it. Why? Would it have changed your mind?"

You frowned for a moment, before shaking your head. "Still would've been nice to know."

"Okay, how about you just kiss me now, Rue 2.0?", he asked, tracing out the number eighteen on your wrist before looking up at you through slightly furrowed brows. That was a challenge, of sorts, that gaze.

"You have something to ask me." Didn't take a genius to figure it out. Insinuation was painted all over his face. He had an accusation and he needed you to defend it.

"When Shane fucked you, where'd he come?"

You frowned, staring at him for a moment. "Yo, I- what? Where is this coming from?"

"At practice he was saying he fucked you."

"He's a dickwad, of course he did."

"It doesn't bother you that he's spreading that shit?"

"If I paid attention to every rumour some butthurt, fragile-ego jock spread about me, I wouldn't have time to fucking study."

"Your reputation's gone, though. That's fine for you?"

You sucked on your teeth for a moment before exhaling. "You're here to find out if I'm easy?"

He looked at you for a moment, his expression unreadable.

"If I did this, Y/N, would you stop me?", he asked, shifting to his knees at the foot of the bed. "Hm? If I just...", he trailed off, kissing up your knee to your thigh.

"Nate. Stop."

"That's not stopping me.", he murmured, gripping your back and yanking you closer.

You kicked him away, grimacing. "Get out."

He gazed up at you, and for a moment there, it seemed like he was rooting for you, for the rumours to just be cruel rumours and not true.

"Get OUT!"

"You can't let me kiss you and then just... it doesn't work like that."

The world looked glittery and he looked godly kneeling down there.

His tongue licked slowly up your inner thigh. "C'mon. Take it off. It's just me."

"Get out."

He rolled his eyes, yanking your shorts down himself. "I fucking...", he murmured, voice muffled against your skin. "Love you."

"You don't fucking love me!" You were struggling but it was fruitless.

"I could."

"Get out, I'm not bullshitting."

"C'mon.", he murmured, reaching up to unhook your bra before pressing a kiss to your inner thigh. "C'mon."

"No! Get off!" His hand held you down.

"Just let me-", he muttered, his fingers finally removing your underwear as he pressed a chaste kiss higher up your thigh. Your breath hitched and his smirk widened, albeit, with a bit of disappointment. "There we go."

Kicking him away, you finally snapped. Maybe it was the molly. Maybe it was his tongue. Maybe it was the fact that he'd somehow found out that molly made you make extremely bad decisions. Maybe it was the fact that he knew you wanted nothing more than to fuck him that night.

"GET THE FUCK OUT, NATE! YOU SAID YOU'D LEAVE ME ALONE MONDAY, IT'S FRIDAY! GET THE FUCK OUT, PLEASE!" He took every kick and every punch like a total champ, you'd give him that.

The disappointment left, and he smiled, softly, caringly, like a mother hanging up her child's drawing on the fridge, as he wiped your tears away.

Standing up, he grabbed your hair, staring into your eyes so deeply you were half-wondering if they'd changed colour, before patting your shoulder. "I'm proud of you."

Proud for disproving a rumour?

You watched his shadow on your wall as it climbed down the window behind you.

Look, one thing could be said. Nate Jacobs was a man of his word. He did not speak to you. He did not text you. He did not acknowledge you.

You'd blocked him online and he'd blocked you in real life.

However, his other account still kept tabs on you.

Average social media interaction.

Shane Crestin ended up in the ER later that night.

Average Nate Jacobs interaction.

[alaydabug2]

@sparklenarniawizard

Broken heart/Broken mind

Chapter eleven

(Human AU)

Sophie and Keefe met in the children's hospital when they were little. Because of how long they were confined to the four walls of the hospital, they became very close during their stay.

As the years pass, they wind up being in the same classroom together due to their physical conditions. This makes their bond deepen.

But are they able to handle when life gets tough, throwing problems and complications their way?

This originally had a song with it

So use your imagination or play ot on your own 😅

The song is "Stand By You"

(Don't play song until said for best effect.)

Grady dropped Sophie off at the roller rink. She said goodbye and hurried inside. Tam and Linh were already waiting inside. She ran over to them.

"Hey!" Linh said. She tried to meet her half way, but lost control of her skates. Tam rolled over to her and grabbed her shoulders to stop her from spinning out across the floor.

Sophie walked over to her instead. "Ready?"

"Yup!"

"Alright, lemme go get my some skates."

Sophie went to the desk and got the skates. She strapped them on. She made her way onto the hardwood and tested her balance. Once she was good, she rolled to Tam and Linh.

They waited near the entrance for a few minutes while they waited for the others. Keefe came through the door next, Dex right behind him. They got their skates and went onto the floor.

Finally, Biana arrived with her brother trailing behind her. She quickly got situated and ran to join her friends.

"What's he doing here," Tam pointed at Fitz.

"Babysitting," Biana said with an eye roll.

"Hey, I'm not happy about third wheeling you and your friends either," Fitz said as he pulled out his phone. "I tried to see if Alvar would do it, but he's going on a date tonight." He propped his feet up on the armrest of the bench.

"Never mind," Biana muttered. "Let's just skate already!"

Sophie and her friends rolled around the rink. They rotated playing tag, dancing to the music, and trying to knock each other of their feet.

When some slower dances started to come on, they took it as their cue to take a break and get some water as couples invaded the floor.

(Play song.)

After a few songs, Keefe squeezed her hand. He motioned to the rink as Stand By You turned on. She took his hand, and he led her to skate around the edge of the rink together.

They rolled around in silence for a moment until Keefe said, "I know your birthday isn't until next week, but I wanted to give you your present now while we're here."

Sophie's eyebrows raised. He... almost looked flustered. She couldn’t tell for sure because of the dark room, but she could almost see a pink tint to his cheeks. It made one spread across hers, too.

He held out a little box. She took it from him, and gasped when she opened it. Inside was a charm bracelet. It only contained one charm. A small black swan. Alongside it was a tiny drawing of a black swan. On the back, it read in his hand writing:

"I hope you have a very happy birthday, Sophie. I know you've always liked how graceful swans are and how elusive the black ones are, so I figured you'd like this bracelet I saw when I was out shopping with my mom. I hope you like it."

"Oh wow," she breathed. She looked into his eyes. "I love it!"

He almost seemed to slump with relief as a tentative smile etched his lips. He helped her put it on. She tackled him with a hug and nearly sent them tumbling down from the skates.

Keefe was able to steady them. He chuckled a little bit, but wrapped his arms around her. "Thank you," Sophie murmured. "I really appreciate it."

"Of course." He held her a little tighter.

It was pretty much the same as any other time he hugged her. But somehow... this felt different for some reason.

Was it the way his grip was ever so slightly tightened? The way he almost seemed to be swaying her to the music? How her face was buried in his shoulder?

Whatever it was, she had to double-check herself to make sure she wasn't having a seizure with the way her heart seemed to do that same weird flip. That was surely a new development. Although she wasn't sure what it was. With the way her head was pressed against Keefe, she could also hear his heart beating fast.

They rolled around the rink again for ten more minutes. Neither of them had pulled their hands away. They didn't break away until they made it back to their friends and went to sit back in their seats.

Dex had suggested food, so they all made their way to the concession counter. Sophie made her way over to the table and sat down. Keefe took a seat beside her. She smiled at him. His pupils dilated and he looked away.

After eating, they spent the rest of the night horsing around. The dance music came back on, and they chased each other around.

Sophie stayed outside the rink after nearly everyone else left. Keefe still wasn't picked up yet. Thankfully, Sophie and her parents knew the drill at that point.

They waited until headlights drove into the parking lot. Ro rolled down her window and told Keefe to get in the car.

Keefe told Sophie goodbye and climbed into the vehicle. She could see through the tinted windows as he collapsed into his seat and started ranting to his sister about something. Except it seemed to be a good rant. When he finished, he had a smile on his face, and Ro patted him on the back.

Sophie got into her own car and her parents drove them home.

[my-castles-crumbling]

Hey cas. I've sent a few asks to this blog already anon and off anon, and you've always been an amazing help, so here I am once again.

I have (undiagnosed) autism and (soon to be diagnosed) adhd, and since I was little it's had an impact in my eating habits. I've been a picky eater, avoided a lot of vegetables ect. (its almost close to ARFID at this point)

now, my mum has started telling me that I need to eat healthier, and ik that while what I eat isn't rlly all that unhealthy, it's not completely balanced either.

my mother has been kinda weird about food for some time, she gained a lot of weight after having kids, and I understand that she doesn't want that to happen to me, but she's making comments about my weight, and how I look, and I hate it.

And now it feels like I have a voice inside my head telling me not to eat that, even though I know that if I don't eat that I won't eat anything at all, and that's worse. And it feels like she put that voice there, like it's saying the same things she is.

I'm just kind of helpless right now, I don't know what to do and so, I'm reaching out for help.

thanks a lot, and remember to take your time and put yourself first. <33

OOo this is a tough one.

(Please remember I'm not a doctor)

I think it's important to remember that your mom has her own issues with food, as most people do, really. At this point, pay attention to your actual health. What is your doctor telling you? And not just about the numbers on the scale (those literally mean so little), but like- what's your blood pressure, cholesterol, iron levels, all that like? Those things can be a huge sign of needing to change your diet. If all of those are good, then there's no reason to make changes. If you're feeling faint and your blood sugar is low, then it might be a good idea to find a way to get more protein and healthy carbs and sugars. If your cholesterol and all of that is a bit high, then maybe find a nutritionist that has experience with neurodivergence to help you make better choices.

But remember that there's a lot of unhealthy info out there about 'how to take care of yourself' that a lot of people buy into, so just focus on what your BODY is telling you. What is good for you could be bad for someone else, you know? And this is a journey that you need to be so gentle with yourself during. No judgement, no self-hatred, just self-encouragement.

Sending love and support!

naming you food anon!

[themuse-if]

20 (or so) questions with Maxine Matthews

Let's get better acquainted with your future bestie! Maybe we can find out if you and Max really are just friends.

Interviewer: Max, the lively Aries with a penchant for dramatic writing. Before we dive in, when's your birthday?

Maxine: Oh, it's April 1st. I know, April Fools' Day, right? But trust me, I'm no joke.

Interviewer: A fiery Aries indeed. Any nicknames you go by?

Maxine: Most just call me Max, but a few close friends have some cheeky variations. Can't escape the creativity.

Interviewer: Tell us about some of your good traits.

Maxine: I'm a great listener, fiercely loyal, and I bring a good dose of humor to any situation. Oh, and my writing skills aren't too shabby either.

Interviewer: Impressive qualities. And what about some traits that might be considered not so good?

Maxine: Well, I can be a bit stubborn when it comes to my opinions. Some might call it passionate, I say it's just knowing what I want.

Interviewer: Fair enough. Do you have any hobbies that you enjoy?

Maxine: Outside of my love for dramatic writing, I enjoy exploring different music genres, attending live performances, and occasionally trying my hand at cooking. Above all of that my favorite is going to see movies outdoors! Movies in the park, on a rooftop, or an old drive-in I'm a sucker for a good outdoor movie series.

Interviewer: Diverse interests. What would you say is your greatest strength?

Maxine: Definitely my ability to analyze and interpret stories. It comes in handy with my major, but it's also really great just in day to day life. It's really easy for me to asses social situations and I'm a pretty good judge of character.

Interviewer: Sounds like a valuable skill. Now, what about your biggest weakness?

Maxine: I'm not the most patient person. Waiting for things to unfold or dealing with slow-paced situations gets under my skin.

Interviewer: Patience is a virtue they say. How would you describe yourself in one word?

Maxine: Vibrant.

Interviewer: And how do you think others see you in one word?

Maxine: Unpredictable.

Interviewer: An intriguing perception. Moving on, what would you say is your greatest fear?

Maxine: Losing my voice, metaphorically speaking. I fear not being able to express myself, especially through my writing.

Interviewer: A deep-seated fear for a writer. Considering your current priorities, what tops the list?

Maxine: Right now, it's balancing my academic pursuits with making lasting memories. You're only young once, and I'm lucky enough to have these experiences at the height of my youth with my best friend. I've got big things planned for me and MC.

Interviewer: Indeed you should definitely cherish this time. Ok so, tell me about your family.

Maxine: It's a small, tight-knit group. Mom, dad, and my younger brother. We're a bunch of lively individuals with strong opinions and lots of love.

Interviewer: Sounds wonderful. Looking into the future, what are your goals?

Maxine: Professionally, I aim to be a successful writer, maybe even see my work on the big screen or the stage. Personally, just to keep growing and experiencing life.

Interviewer: Ambitious goals. On a lighter note, how would you spend a rainy day?

Maxine: Curled up with a good book, a warm blanket, and a cup of hot chocolate. Rainy days are perfect for a bit of cozy indulgence.

Interviewer: Classic choice. Any favorite book that you hold dear?

Maxine: It's tough to pick just one, but if I had to, I'd go with "Ghost Music" by An Yu. Well it's my favorite for right now. Trippy as this story is , Yu really grounds the reader in this spectral story in the mind of a young woman just longing to start over.

Interviewer: Sounds interesting I'll definitely give it a read. And your favorite movie?

Maxine: "Romeo + Juliet." I'm not usually one for stories that are told over and over again just in a different font. This one is just different, its so well done! And while Leo and Claire were great we all know that Harold Perrineau was the real star.

Interviewer: A great choice. Now, any dark secrets you're willing to share?

Maxine: No, well it's not a dark secret. I have this uh friend and they have recently realized that they might have deeper feelings for their best friend. It's not me I promise. *bites lip and gets shifty eyed* Any advice?

Interviewer: Well maybe this "friend" of yours should be open about how they're feeling. *uses air " " with a knowing look*

Maxine: Maybe, maybe I should...I meant they. Maybe they should, thanks for the advice I'll pass it on. *looks down and plays with braids*

Interviewer: Ok Max let's move on. What's your best physical feature?

Maxine: I really like my eyes, the shape more specifically.

Interviewer: Yes, the shape of your eyes is quite lovely. Alright and your worst feature?

Maxine: I wish that I had thicker eyebrows, but hey that's what makeup is for. *shrug*

Interviewer: Ok, now our last question, how would you describe being in love?

Maxine: I think that being in love is being with the person who brings out the best version of you, and vice versa. Not that you only show them your good side, but that they know you so well that you can work through the bad times together.

Interviewer: I see, well said. Thanks for sharing more about your life with me Maxine. I'm excited to see your journey continue to unfold! You'll have to let me know what happens with your friend. 🤭

[dearweirdme]

Hi Rain, how are you? We are always talking about taekook and I tend to forget that there is a person behind the blog lol😂. How's work? How's 2024 treating you so far? How ate you coping with the absence from both Tae and Jk?

I'm feeling so unmotivated. I'm currently doing my master's and working, and I feel so burned out. So lazy...I just want my mom lol🥲. I just found out that my best friend and ex-boyfrend have been dating for over a year mind you this was my first love...I had hopes that we would get back together lol and I honestly don't know what to do...

Hi anon!

What a lovely ask! Thanks for checking up on me 😊. I've been well. Real busy atm with some private stuff (all good things thankfully). Work is going great as well. 2024 has been good so far and I hope it will continue to be so.

While my personal live has been basically unaffected by Tae and Jk enlisting, I do still have these moments where I miss them so much. It's not constant, but it's definitely there. I find myself thinking about them not having seen each other for almost two months now. I find mysef wondering how they are doing. They have been with us so much, and just the knowing that we can't expect a live from them at any time is... I don't know the exact word, but maybe it's best described as an emptiness. I've not been able to watch much old footage yet, but my busy times will be over in a bit and I'll probably start rewatching stuff then.. just to get a dose of BTS and Taekook😊. So yeah.. enlistment sucks!

Aside from that.. fandom has been all over the place and it's been bugging the hell out of all of us I think. I think all members being gone has left Army without a central point to balance us out. So yeah... enlistment sucks!

I am so sorry to hear about your heartbreak. Just know, that if he does't choose you, he is not the one for you. You deserve someone who chooses you. You deserve a friend who doesn't go behind your back. No matter how much you still loved him, he is not worth it if he doesn't love you back. It hurts now, but you will eventually find peace with it and better things and better people will come into your life. I can imagine how you feel right now, I've been through my share of heartbreak and it can be real tough. Your life is your own though, try not to let those two people who have treated you badly take over. Their bad behavior towards you is not a reflection of who you are as a person. Make yourself your priority. So... don't do anything about this situation except take good care of yourself and try to mend your broken heart. You don't need people like that in your life, because you will not be able to trust either of them. Focus on the future anon, you will do just fine 💜.

[a-tale-of-legends]

Thoughts on Ortega? He's my little man

One aspect I love about them.

I love how Ortega just twirls his staff and uses it to express himself in game lol. It's my favorite part of his battle intro.

One aspect I wish more people understood about them.

Hmmm, nothing much really? I haven't actually interacted with a lot of Ortega content to really garner how the fandom sees him, or rather how the fandom sees him that I disagree with. He's a little guy that could stab you if he wanted, and I think we all agree on that.

One character I love seeing them interact with.

Giacomo and Mela! Giacomo plays off Ortega's more slightly more uptight nature really well! I can tell the banter between the two is great :D. For Mela I love how she's the one who pushes Ortega to get his Star mobiles properly running himself than rely on his mom. Obviously in her own Mela way lol. Like Gia, I can see these two butting heads with their strong personalities, but it's all in good fun and wanting to see the other succeed.

One character I wish they would interact with more.

Ooooh, a hard one. Uuuuuuh, I would say Eri? I feel like small angry child + tall ( and swol) sweetheart is a great combination that I would love to see more of. Ero holding Ortega up like an angry cat XD. Outside of Team Star ( and staying within SV so no Bede lol), maybe one of the teachers in the school. Tbh I feel like all of team Star should have at least one interaction with a teacher after everything they've been through. For Ortega maybe Tyme? Or Salvatore? Either one I feel would match with Ortega- and balance out all his Ortega-ness.

One( or more) headcanon I involved them and one other character.

I'm a broken record at this point cause I keep mentioning it but Atticus specifically made Ortega's gloves to accommodate for Ortega either being tough repulsed, sensitive to certain textures and thus use the ones he likes, help him do knife tricks/ twirl his staff better or all of the above. He also made it to be pretty sturdy, lasting days on end AND told Ortega about the specific fabric he used so Ortega himself can buy his own gloves ( I hc him constantly wearing his gloves outside of Team Star). Going back to the staff, Atticus saw how much Ortega would do tricks with pencils and was aware that he kid them with knives ( no one allowed him to do it though), so the staff was given to Ortega so he was able to do said tricks. ( So basically Ortega's staff helps him stim).

[rooklinensinker]

I'm on Concerta 27 mg and just got off my monthly appointment with the psychiatrist

Kinda embarrassing to talk about but I'll do it because you can't tell my mom 🤪

So she called me at 9:30 and of course I was asleep on top of my phone so thankfully I was able to answer. I completely forgot when the appointment was but I felt the dread that it should've happened by now so I'm glad there's no guessing anymore! Anyways, I update her on my new symptoms.

I've been MORE forgetful. To the point I even forgot where I placed a knife while cooking and freaked out because I didn't know where it was and didn't want to risk hurting myself by accidentally sitting on it or something when it was just at the corner of the table in the other room (don't ask how it got there, I don't know either). And it's happened with a lot of small things too.

I've been tired and only showered yesterday because I had been putting it off for the last week because before showering I should clean my room. And to clean my room was a tough ask. And I LIKE CLEANING. It's therapeutic and I love the smell of cleaning products but I just wasn't doing anything. I was in bed on my phone and even if I threw it away (again, very carefully. I think I mentioned that before) I would stay in bed for the same time as I would have spent on the app, just biting my nails. For 4 hours 😀✨

I had a hard time cancelling my hello fresh subscription because when I had it, I'd get too stressed to cook which means every perishable would go off but I still have a lot of their frozen stuff just packing my freezer because I haven't cooked in a while before this week. And this week was just the culmination of previous weeks I dreaded over tasks. I finally cancelled my subscription after they charged me for this week so 👍

I haven't worked. I have a deadline due on Friday and I am allowed extensions but I didn't even send the extension form yet. The most I've done this month is take care of myself which everyone is supposed to do while balancing work. EVERYDAY. I for some reason can't do both or sometimes either.

Odd one but I've been breathing manually more often. Not like faintness of breath where you don't feel like you're taking in enough oxygen. More like, sudden awareness that my breathing is wrong for some reason and I gotta fix it. And I count it so it's one second to even out my breaths but it still feels wrong so I'll stay upset for like 5 minutes out of nowhere until I forget I'm breathing again.

I remember she asked me about the future, but it's not like it's used to be. It's not like I don't think about it or that it isn't even a concept in my head anymore because I can die at any moment. I have plans for the future. Very important ones. It's the present that isn't lining up for me to get there. And starting the meds I was at the peak of my mental health. No suicidality, hope for the future, confidence in the present. And that still stands although I still get tired and overwhelmed.

And I don't really know what to do? She said I wasn't very proactive because meds aren't supposed to be the only solution, there's lifestyle changes and stuff I gotta learn to deal with my symptoms. But I have?

Meds were the last resort for me. If you were to compare me from a year ago to now, I have multiple places where I can track my routines, how much I eat, etc. It's just that I can't help sometimes my energy is low or time runs faster when I'm doing one thing. Like how cooking took me hours and I only went to bed at 5am because I had to shower because I hated the smell of fried stuff on me.

I really don't know how to feel. The first meds we tried were good at giving me energy and calmed down my head enough for me to be alert in the moment without dissociating. I could do my laundry and all these things that took weeks in one morning. But all I couldn't do was work because I'd get bored and frustrated that it wasn't happening and my fingers weren't doing the clackity clack on the keyboard and the letters were dancing. That's why I changed to Concerta which to be honest, doesn't feel any different than being unmedicated (Spoiler alert, I forgot if I took my meds some days this week. I didn't notice differences.) and the benefit I guess is that it gives me a reason to get up and eat in the morning🙂 which I can put off because I have no energy so I never take them at the same time because whenever I wake up constantly varies.

So I'm not as consistent as I used to be in the beginning, either because the excitement of "changing my life" wore out into "do I have to do all this shit every day? For 24 hours for the rest of my life? Bruh" or because I just got tired of trying and although I don't feel depressed, I just feel tired of even thinking about things anymore. And it doesn't help that I'm behind on university work and every plan in my future depends on the now and right now all I'm doing is just... Nothing much?

She advised me to get in touch with my counsellors (which I haven't seen in months) and resources she sent because she thinks they could help. I'll let you know how they work out. Other than that we decided to increase the dose because she wanted to see how it would work and I thought there's no downsides because if treatment is already taking this long might as well speed it up already.

Anyways I guess I'll have you be updated in case I don't die. And in case I do die... Skill issue I guess ����

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: Hello mbti-notes. Thanks a lot for having such an informative blog.

Holiday season is close and so is having to deal with tough family dynamics. And by family I mean the extended family, not necessarily parents. I (INFJ type 9) come from an abusive and toxic family setting. I live in the same town as most of these people, so it's an everyday issue for me, but holidays make it (the guilt and anxiety) more intense.

I was a victim of physical and emotional abuse by one of them since childhood, and even into adulthood. Unfortunately he still lives with my grandparents and emotionally abuses me in some ways about 75% of the times I'm there.

Thing is, nobody defends me, they at its best either gaslight me or tell me to not start anything!, and me defending myself and confronting him or trying to tell him to stop, results in him beating me in an extreme way (physical abuse). And then it's my fault for defending myself (verbally).

I have gone low contact and I'm in a bad position. I would love to visit my grandparents more often as I like them. But I have to handle all of those things when I go there since he lives there, and is home all the time. I get anxious and have flashbacks when I'm around him.

But I'm also angry with my grandparents because they never do anything to fix this or keep our relationship alive. They don't warn or punish him or tell him to stop. They also don't come visit us at home or somewhere else he won't be and expect us to go visit them every time.

And when I set boundaries and go low contact to save my internal balance and peace, I get guilt tripped by my grandparents or my mom for being sensitive and not visiting them. I get told that this breaks their heart, and that they are old, may die at any time, and then I will always feel guilty and regret not visiting them when they were alive.

This one really scares me. I'm really facing a moral dilemma. If I go visit them, I will continue getting disrespected or worse. And I start hating myself for not respecting myself or caring about myself as much as others. But if I hold my ground and stay low contact, I feel super-guilty and scared.

Should I keep my boundaries, hold my ground and go low contact unless they fix it or agree to visit us outside their house (else never), or I should give up and visit them no matter what ? I need help.

How do I know I'm doing the right thing and will not regret it? I mean how do I know if it's the unhealthy and huge ego telling me to respect myself and stay low contact, or if it's Fe overload making me sensitive to their guilt tripping and blamings while I should hold my ground?

-------------------

It's not only reasonable but absolutely necessary to set boundaries if you hope to have healthy relationships with good people and prevent bad people from harming/exploiting you. A relationship is like an unspoken contract between two people and there should be "conditions" put in place to protect each party's interests as well as to ensure that each party benefits fairly from the relationship.

If someone truly loves you and cares about your well-being, they should at least be willing to negotiate (the terms of the contract) and meet you halfway. The fact that they won't means this relationship dynamic is toxic to you. And they have every incentive to keep it that way because they benefit from it at your expense. The dynamic will continue on as long as you participate in it. It's sad to say that abusive people like that don't change. They have absolutely no reason to change as long as you continually accede to their demands.

Perhaps you were raised in a culture that teaches people "family is everything" and there should never be any conditions placed on family. This kind of traditional value is supposedly about maintaining familial/social cohesion, but it is often misused to keep people passive in their assigned place, under control, and submissive to authority. You have a choice as to whether to subscribe. Are you going to play "the child" role forever, or will you one day stand up and be an adult in your own right?

It sounds to me like they care very little for your well-being. All of their "requests" are always about them and what they need and never about you and what you need. This means the relationships are entirely one-sided. Have you acknowledged this reality fully, to yourself? Would fully acknowledging that they don't love you as much as you hope produce any change in your decision-making process? Would it make you want to engage less, walk away, try harder, try an alternative, or something else?

I can't tell people what decisions to make. You have to learn to exercise your best judgment and make decisions that honor your well-being. Yes, you need to have personal boundaries for well-being. Yes, you need strong relationship bonds for well-being. Sometimes these two things collide. The reason ethical dilemmas are difficult to resolve is because there is no perfect solution. All the choices involve losing something important, so you have to weigh the pros/cons according to your value system, carefully considering what's most important to you with regard to the potential gains and losses.

Are you willing to bear abuse to see your grandparents? If getting into a physical altercation is nothing to you, then, by all means, continue on. For some people, violence is just another language they learn to speak. But if it's not nothing to you and it's not something you can easily brush off and walk away from unscathed, you have every right to take the necessary steps to protect your well-being.

[dzpenumbra]

5/12/23

Today was a really weird day. I... got a full night's sleep. Which, in itself, is very odd and disorienting. I started the day with yoga, as usual. Since New Year's, I've only missed one day.

The yoga I did today, and have been doing the past 3 days, was from the 30 day challenge I did back in January. I usually just pick whatever video pops up in my feed from the same person, and it threw in that series and it's just running me back through them. And this one was very focused on gaze, on using your attention and focus and that whole part of yoga... which is a part that I had never heard anyone talk about in regards to yoga before this woman.

Intense focus, not just... cognitive focus, like concentration... but like... staring and only absorbing one thing. Like staring at a spot on a wall and focusing on just that, despite other things happening around you... Okay, I have really struggled with the form of meditation that's like... just let go of your thoughts and just exist. That's been a lifelong struggle for me. But this hyper-fixation, hyper-focus method is one that I found intuitively as a child. It got me through some of the most difficult moments of my life. And it's super subtle and hard to describe. It's an odd thing, it's hard for me to put into words exactly what the act of simply focusing intently on one thing can do when there is intense stress, negativity and chaos around you.

I used to use that technique for balance practice since I was a child, it makes a profound difference. I adapted it for working out when I was training for soccer and basketball. It helped me when I was doing excruciating wall-sits and leg raises when I was into competitive fencing, and gave me a massive advantage. But the memory that comes back most clear when I think of the drishti was holiday dinners with my family. When we would sit at the dining room table and we'd have some big dinner that my mom insisted on cooking herself despite all 3 of her sons loving to cook, and then complaining about how laborious it was after the fact... but in the past decade decided to say "fuck this" and just order tons of food from a local Italian eatery that she frequents... And we'd have a few candles lit. And my mom would be sitting at the kitchen-most end of the table to my left, my older brother across from me, my younger brother to my right, and my dad at the head of the table. And within minutes the conversation would inevitably go to (and stay at) either the stock market or current events/politics. And my little brother and I might have a little side conversation to stay sane. But not always. And when it was more difficult... especially when I was younger, like teens and early 20's... I would just... eat and stare at the candle. Just... kinda enduring. Just kinda bearing it and putting up appearances, being "present" while not present at all. And the focal point of the constantly breathing flame made what would otherwise be like nails on a chalkboard... slightly more bearable. In a very hard to define way.

So yeah, the yoga practice was kinda all about that, and using your gaze and focus to help smooth out movements and bring more intention to how you move and how you are postured. It was very interesting and I enjoyed it much more now than I did when I first watched the video, because I have a much deeper understanding of yoga than I did back then. However... it was pretty hard emotionally, because it brought me back to like... when Max was here. And hanging out with her and shit, and that was tough. But it was good overall.

I added on more exercises after the yoga, ab exercises and some back stuff too. It's still doing good for me. I'm a bit cautious about doing it every day... like, without a rest day... but it's been noticeably getting me in better shape.

Here's probably the best part of the day, I might as well get right to that. I got 3 emails this morning - all confirmations of my Etsy deliveries!!! So... I got this new soap, which... was severely overpriced, if I'm being honest... but it's really nice. It's a homemade thing and it's a unique Nag Champa blend, and I like it. I also got a propagation tray for plant cuttings - it's a hanging thing with 8 glass tubes, and you fill them with water and put your plant cuttings in it and they grow in there. And... to go with that... I got 6 Pothos cuttings that were in pristine condition. Standing ovation for that person. So, I set those up in the tubes and hung them on a nail in the brick wall by my window and... I have 6 new plant friends now! :)

Convenient timing as my orchid seems to be on its last legs. I don't know how their life cycle works, but all but the last flower has fallen off. I think it has kinda run its course. I'll do some research to see if that's true, but yeah, it's okay! I've had it since like... late January, I've been genuinely shocked it has lived this long!

So yeah, that got me really excited. I love seeing more life in this home. It's a very dramatic contrast to the skull I'm working on right now, and all the death I've seen this year. It's beautifully poetic, and I'm really kinda sad I never got into indoor gardening until this year. I'm very tempted to try to grow grape vines indoors... I wonder if that's a thing... Hmm... Or maybe raspberries... I'll have to look into that. Fruit is getting so fucking expensive nowadays, I'd love to just grow my own.

One notable moment from today was... I went up to the package room before showering. And I didn't even get to shower yesterday, I just got too caught up and distracted. So... I hadn't showered in 2 days... and I had just worked out... and I threw some clothes on and had a big garbage bag in my hand as I was walking up the stairs to the package room... and I passed a very attractive woman. And... I didn't feel anxious. I didn't feel insecure. It was just... a moment. Like any other day. And I keep looking back at this tiny everyday moment and going... please remember that. I work these things up so big. I get so neurotic about "I have to be presentable", "I have to be showered", "I have to be 100% awake and present". Perfectionism. (I will come back to that very shortly.) But when the real-world situation actually comes up? It's fucking nothing!

Okay, let's use an example. The 4-stair over in the park that I was snowskating on last winter. The first time I went out there... I looked at that set and it was like... a dream to ollie that thing someday. I genuinely didn't think I was going to be brave enough to ollie it that winter. I remember being scared to bomb-drop it! It took a lot for me to get myself to jump down that thing. Mostly because it was my first real stairset on a snowskate. And I had to really dig deep to find out why, like what exactly am I afraid is going to happen? I've ollied bigger drops than that... but the stairs themselves were getting in my head. I was afraid I couldn't clear the stairs, and I was afraid I was going to scratch the shit out of the bottom of my board and then not be able to skate all winter. That was my primary fear. And, to be honest, that's a legitimate fear. Snowskates are not cheap, and not even always in stock to replace, especially in the winter, especially in the early winter. So, there was enough logic for it to take root. So... what did I do? I packed snow on top of the bottom two stairs. Yep, that simple. I just packed some snow on top as like a... protective buffer of sorts... so if I did come up a bit short, I wouldn't scrape on concrete and fuck up my board. And that was really all the security I needed to throw myself down it. And then... I started to get a gauge of how far out I was ollieing down it. And by the end of the winter, I had ollied that set a few dozen times and I don't think I even came close to clipping the bottom stair one time.

So... that anticipatory anxiety... coupled with a vivid narrative that had concrete (pun intended) logical consequences... that was enough to talk me out of even trying the set for a long time. Weeks. The anticipation is so much different than in-the-moment anxiety, it's nuts. So... translating that to this experience today... normally I would be like... "okay, I need to shower before I go up to the package room." And I say it to myself as though it's a preference, but really... if I challenge it... I find that it's an obligation. Because if I don't, I'm some stinky guy, and then people judge me, and I can't have that, it's bad PR, I need to be making friends, not upsetting the neighbors with my stench. Super insecure, but... you know... it's a thing. But my hack today? My soap was in the package room. XD So I made a deal with myself that I was just going to say fuck it, and then shower when I got back with the new soap. And it worked out absolutely fine, not a hitch. (I'm sure it helped that I was carrying the trash, to be honest... XD)

After all that and the shower, I went to therapy. I opened talking about sleep... we breezed through it and he kinda... changed the topic to a billing/insurance thing. Now... okay. I was a bit offput because... it's my session... and we're talking about billing and shit. But I seized the opportunity to remind him that my situation in life is very different, and my history is very different than others that he's working with. That I'm on some family company insurance... somehow... and that I have no idea what it actually covers... and they don't communicate with me... and I don't even know if I can communicate with them? It's super fucking messy. It was something about a copay and I was just like... "dude, I'm going to pay it, and if my parents decide that they don't want to support me to the degree of supporting therapy for me... they can have that conversation with me." He was concerned that I don't really have income and shit... yeah it's just a mess. And I get his hesitation, and he didn't want to make me panic and knew it was super delicate and is sometimes really traumatically triggering for me. But it was fine. Situations like these are a very... powerless feeling. Very out-of-control. Very... at the whim of my parents' impulses. And that's just how it is right now. Until I can somehow figure out how to generate enough self-sustaining income being the entity that I am.

So yeah, we kinda branched off of that into... talking about anxieties. And a lot of that... at least 15 minutes of it... really felt deeply familiar. It's this thing that happens sometimes, that used to happen much more often when I was more confident and more... unaware of the dangers of the world, I guess... the Eden days... But people... just start opening up to me. And I don't mind it at all, I'm always honored by it. I try my best to aid with that, to offer space and guidance if I have any. But I could really tell that he was struggling with this kind of thing and a big chunk of my time today kinda... felt like a therapy session for him. And... it's not the first time I've been in that situation. And I don't know what it is about me that has that effect, but this is the... I think the 3rd therapist that this has happened with now? One I made sympathetically cry, and he volunteered a history of alcohol abuse. One opened up to me about his marital problems and I offered advice. And... well, here's where I come back around to the Perfectionism thing I said I was going to come back around to. This guy struggles with making sure everything is right and not fucking up anything. And that's anxiety, you know?

So... instead of getting grumpy and going "yo, this is unprofessional, this is my time"... I related that I have the same issues. That a lot of my anxieties are anticipatory and based on this... perfection thing. It's like... well, he brought in the whole duality of logic/structure brain vs. emotion/intuition brain. And perfectionism is like... hyper-logic. It's like... almost a god complex when you think about it. Like... "if I make sure that I am fully bathed and properly scented at all times, I will never have a moment when anyone judges me for smelling bad. Therefor, my actions control their judgment." Which is... ironically... a logical fallacy. But we really... well.. that part of our psyche really doesn't like to face the fact that there are some things in this life that we just do not control. Right? That's when that part of the brain starts doing some reeeeeal funky shit. I mean, for fuck's sake, there are some gazillionaires out there that have this trait so out of whack that they truly think that they can bypass death itself. Like mortality is a matter that is in their hands. Control is a hell of a drug.

I think I was exactly the right person for him to talk to. And I could feel an emotional connection, a literal tearing up when it connected. On both sides. I shared with him about... my improvised ink drawings. I told him that the core of my improvised abstract work is... to focus more on the present moment. Adaptation, adjustment, riffing. Rather than meticulous planning and flawless execution. And this method of training your ability to react in the moment... it's a very Zen kinda thing... and it brings you to this place where you start to realize that... fucking up isn't really... a thing. It's all just part of the story. It's all just scenes in a story that's unfolding, it's always in flux. "There is no beginning, there is no end." That was a quote he gave to me when the shit I was saying started to resonate with him and help him reconnect to that. I think he was worried about fucking up billing? And then accidentally screwing someone over with a billing issue when... I mean... a lot of fucking people are hurting financially right now. So, 100% legitimate fear, right? Completely. I'd be shitting myself too. But I was saying... yo, what I'm trying to do is focus more on like... my ability to react to those situations in the moment, when they come up. So if there's a billing problem, can I handle that? Can I follow up on that, can I make it right? Because no one is fuckin perfect. And shit happens. And the good ones catch it and make it right and say they're sorry it happened. And the bad ones double down and blame the victim... and ask for fucking tips when you're picking up takeout and sketchy shit like that.

So... it made me feel... human again. To be able to give life advice to someone. To anyone. Especially to reciprocate to someone who has helped ground me through some of the hardest times I've been through. It's... a tough boundary to negotiate, the professional/personal boundary. And I have unintentionally crossed it and enticed others to cross it before. And it's very nebulous so... yeah, even that is debatable. But this did a lot of good for my mental health, and helped massively to remind me of the same exact issues that I'm dealing with, and how well I'm doing lately at navigating them.

But one moment stuck out most of all from that session today. He highly and emphatically praised my intelligence and my ability to articulate my thoughts and experience of life. And he did it genuinely, and there was emotion behind it. And it... I don't really have words, honestly. It both made me feel honored... and was a weird reminder of how alone I am at the same time. Like I was sharing two very strong emotions - big pride boost to the point of welling tears, and... a weird shade of hopelessness in the background. Like... if I'm a Rare or Legendary Pokemon, what are the chances of me finding someone else like me around here? Someone else who even understands me? Which seems to be my eternal curse.

Welp... I found one! So... there's that. But I'll tell ya this much... I'm guaranteed to not meet anyone if I just sit in my apartment all day every day.

I think what I need to do... is just go on a solo tour of the local art galleries. Just go and visit and look at what they have and absorb the culture and then maybe see if I can strike up a conversation with the curators. Share a little about what kind of creature I am and see if it leads to them having any ideas of a place for me.

I do have to say though... I've been having a strong pull towards nature again. I think that's pretty obvious with all the plants. And I think it would be really sick to get into doing nature installations, even if I'm just exploring it again.

Okay, well here's me identifying why exactly I'm not calling these places up or dropping by. It's the same shit I ranted about last night. The myth of the "expert". I am insecure about contacting a local nature conservancy place that's like... a few blocks away, that stewards a ton of land... because I don't feel like I have adequate experience to demonstrate that I know what the fuck I'm doing. And I feel like they're going to look at me weird or something, or just flat-out not let me do any work. I mean, they don't even do any art-related stuff, they do music and shit sometimes, but it seems like most of what they do is focused on like... sustainable farming techniques and shit? And my idea would be to like... collaborate with them in learning from them about the practical side... permaculture techniques, soil compositions, ecology, whatever they know and are willing to teach. And as I learn... say I'm learning about where you set up a garden in regards to elevation and topography and stuff like that... Then I use that new knowledge to inspire design work. That's the theory. So... it's not like I can do a proof of concept that is based off of education that I haven't received yet, right? XD

I've had this fear/insecurity for ages that I can't prove to others upfront that I know what I'm doing. I can't prove my legitimacy. And I have no one to vouch for me. So... I get rejected. And rather than face what feels like guaranteed rejection, I just don't bother applying. And... it's a bit of a perfectionism anticipatory anxiety thing, isn't it? XD Right? So... yeah, I'm not perfect. And I usually do really well when I can just get in a room with someone with a shared interest and we get talking. But it feels prohibitively difficult to do that nowadays without having a shoe in the door, a connection. At least in my area, idk. Gone are the days of showing up at someone's house unannounced and knocking on the door. Gone are the days of pounding the pavement and handing in applications wearing a suit and tie (thank fucking god).

So... I guess I gotta just keep getting up to the plate and swinging. So the galleries seems like a good plan. Then I have multiple options, rather than this nature conservancy place that... I mean, there's one. So there's a lot of pressure to not fuck that up. Aka... not lose that opportunity.

So yeah, big day. Weird day. But again, lots of good there. Lots of growth: physically, emotionally, figuratively. And I got more work on both the skull and the ink drawing done today, so just a big win across the board. So, I'm off to bed!

[dimonds456]

I may have not always been honest Though now I speak in earnest To live, to die, is a natural cycle Though dying young has always hurt us.

My body stops and stutters The cogs rusty and battered There has been no replacement For my machines predicament.

I shake and stumble and cough And fall to a floor not so soft This blood on my hands is my own From this internal battle I've been thrown

I wave my flag high and stand my ground Though the fights namesake is underground For I fight below the dirt under the Graves Of those who fought this war and never gave.

Blood, sweat, and tears have all been shed The blood on me knee as I kissed pavement Sweat as I tried to lift a plate over my head All I've yet to shed are teads, but my soul cries instead.

I wave my flag high though my arm grows tired And the thing keeping it up is a very small fire This flame of fame and courage and valor Determination keeps me tough and towered.

I see you, Death, with hand outstreched But I think it'd be pretty far fetched To think I would take it so easily If so I'd have gone with you early.

As the Valkyries fly and before the sun dies I will hold my ground. I see you, my Graves, with distance falling. No surrender can be found.

This hardened potion in my veins Perseverance through the pains I will keep fighting until the end No matter how much my own body wants me dead.

I'm not usually one to focus on the negative side of things, but Graves is kicking my ass. I'm becoming more and more convinced it's gonna win.

If you don't know, Graves Disease is a chronic illness I've had for years. It means my metabolism doesn't exist, my heart rate is always too high, I'm constantly off balance, my hands shake, and I cant exercise very long or I'll hyperventilate or faint.

I don't have a doctor's appointment for another month.

If I die, I want to let you all know that I love everyone of you. I love Tumblr, I love my friends, and I love the huge amount of support I've gotten. I will never take that for granted.

I've always tried to be nice, kind, supportive, and loving. If I ever failed this, I am so sorry. That was never my intention.

Thank you to @/joyflameball for pulling me from the dark and being my partner in crime for these past few months. I wish I could do more for you.

Thank you to @/artsycooky13 for giving me so much inspiration and being such a good friend. I'll never forget you.

Thank you to @/hugthesquids for sticking it out and being the voice of reason when the world came crashing down, who was able to show me the way several times.

Thank you to @/doodlegirl for being one of my best mutuals. Your support has had an impact on me I'll never forget.

Thank you to @/mudwingprince for also being a great mutual. Your support has meant so much. You were the first person to ever draw Follychromatic fanart, and I cherish it every day.

Thank you @/mouseinabucket for your unconditional support and love when I needed it the most.

Thank you @/axolotluv for being a wonderful mutual and friend for a short time. I wish we'd gotten to know each other better.

Thank you to my mom, who may not have completely understood me, but tried her hardest to support me anyway.

Thank you to my brother, who I love more than life itself. I'm sorry if I wasn't there enough, or if I didn't give you the support you needed. If I live, you better believe I'm going to fix that.

Thank you to everyone ever that has supported me and my wild dreams. Each positive word has only boosted me up, pulling me from the dark and adding to my reasons to push on.

I'm not done fighting- not yet. But I fear that fight may be nearing it's climax. When that happens, I'll know I have a ton many amazing people behind me. You guys give me courage.

Either I live with Graves, or I live in a grave. Well see what happens.

Come on out, Graves, and FIGHT.

[theunstuffedpepper]

April recap

Starting weight: 206.1

End weight: 202.3

Change: -3.8lbs

Total loss since delivery (1/16/21): -37.7lbs

Not too shabby, all things considered. My goal for April was to get below 200, but I made it pretty close, and I had a few unforeseen obstacles that were actual, legitimate obstacles. All said and done, I'm happy with it. Moving in the right direction.

The April weight chart actually helped me see a trend, even though I didn't weigh in every day during the month. Looking back, I clearly was going way too hard during the weeks (Monday-Thursday), and then by the time the weekend rolled around, I was burnt out from trying to eat super well and work out a ton, and I would just go full tilt in the opposite direction. This is a great lesson for me in balance.. something I'm going to actively practice during this next month.

The not-so-good:

I got some kind of terrible icky virus -- maybe COVID? Maybe not. Either way, this put me out of commission for half a week at least.

I spent the first half of the month really having a tough go of it with postpartum mental health issues. I'm happy to say now I think I'm making it out of the fog.

I ended up having a procedure done because I wasn't healing from delivery. This also ended up being a good thing, because it seems like it helped a lot.

The good:

I got fully vaccinated! Got my second dose of Pfizer this month.

I'm becoming more confident as a mom -- something that just a month or two ago, I really questioned would ever happen.

[ask-the-lgbtqs-of-lovestruck]

Hey my favorite bunch of mods, how ya doing?

Now to my questions😁

What is your favorite song and why?

What is your favorite movie?

And last but not least if your have free 3 wishes, what would it be?

Sending big hugs to all of you, thanx for all of your work with this blog, it's a sunny, funny, place where I have meet a lot of wonderful peoples and where I can find peace in a hectic life.

‘Hai hai! I’m okay, how are you??

💗 Mmmm, you have to ask the hard questions, huh? Currently, my favorite song is probably either “My Jolly Sailor Bold” by Ashley Serena, because I really enjoy the beat and vibe, or “One For The Angels” by Transviolet, because my best friend played it for me as it reminded them of me.

💗 My favorite movie currently is “Howl’s Moving Castle”!

💗 My three wishes:

1. I’d wish for enough money to buy my Mom’s dream house.

2. Enough money to help my family pay off all their bills, as well as mine.

3. For my best friend to have everything she may need whether that be money or whatever.

Hugs returned!!’

~Mod Cecelia🩸

—————————————

‘Hello hello hello! I am doing amazingly! Let us start with the questions.~

❤️ Favourite song... [He casually opens his Spotify] Let me see... “Rebels” by Call Me Karizma. It represents how I act as a person, not only as Vivienne. Like... it vibes with me.

❤️ Favourite movie... “Chicago” (2002). I had the biggest crush on Velma Kelly when I first watched it.

❤️ Three wishes, these are more self centred.

1) Letting go of my random bursts of envy.

2) Stopping the FREQUENT heartbreak.

3) Contentment in the people I'm close to.’

-💎 Mod Vivienne

———————————

‘Hi there. I'm doing all right. Having a little issue with life, but I'm getting by.

🧡 What is your favorite song and why?

Oh, that's tough... I have two. “Gloria” - Laura Branigan and “Hold On” - Wilson Phillips. Both are so good and are seriously uplifting songs. I really love them both.

🧡 What is your favorite movie?

“Jurassic Park”.

🧡 And last but not least, if you have 3 free wishes, what would they be?

Oh... UH...

1. To give happiness to everyone

2. To have our pets live forever.

3. To always have enough money.’

- 🐍 Mod Medusa

————————————

‘Hey Kathy!

I'm doing very well, thank you! I hope you are doing well also.

💛 I have lots of favorite songs... one that springs to mind is “Blue Jean” by David Bowie, why? He's one of my all-time fav artists growing up and the song brings back happy memories of when I saw him live in NYC.

💛 Ooh, I have soo many fav movies! Hmm, again one that springs to mind is “Death Becomes Her”.

💛 [Raises an eyebrow] Three wishes, huh? Wishes are dangerous... can mess with the balance of things... my wishes have so far... come true. I do not wish for anything more, I am grateful as is, thank you. [Bows]

I'm soo glad you feel safe, happy, and loved within our community. That makes me very happy. 🥰’

- Mod Vinca

————————————

‘Hey hey, Kathys81! ❤

I’m very well, thank you! I hope the same goes for you! Been a bit tired these last couple days, but that’s all on me (drawing til late hours, lol). Hmm on to the questions.

💚 I have too many favorites songs! So I can’t choose! They all are so different, depending on lots of things. But my favorite Arist of all-time is a Swedish singer named Rebecka Törnqvist.

💚 “Alien: Anthology”[*cough*SigourneyIsHot*cough*]

💚 My three wishes would be:

1. For my family and friends to live a long, happy, and healthy life. Without having to worry about anything.

2. To be able to go back and forth in time, to experience different eras… like teleporting!

3. To be able to meet my favorite LoveStruck characters in person. [ahem] 👀😳

Thank you for giving us such kind words! [hugs back]’

- 🍃 Mod Evina

———————————

‘Hi! I’m doing okay, been doing a bit better that I was.

💙 My favorite song… Hmm going to go with anything by John Williams.

💙 Favorite movie: definitely “Frozen”.

💙 Three wishes?

1. To be a full woman.

2. Become pregnant.

3. And kinda a goal, kinda a wish, to become a certified Midwife.

Thank you for the hug!’

- ✨ Mod Liora

———————————

‘Hey Kathy! I'm doing well, thanks; can't complain. 😁 Ooooh, questions...

💜 Favorite song: This can change from moment to moment, but for the past couple of years it's been "Heaven Is a Place On Earth" by Belinda Carlisle. Feels like I've always loved Belinda's voice from the moment I heard her singing with the Go-Gos, and this particular song was put back on my radar big-time by an episode of “Black Mirror” (San Junipero). Look, I'm a child of the 80's, I'm a hopeful romantic, and I love happy, bubbly (sappy) pop songs, okay? LOL.

💜 Favorite movie: I have two and both must be mentioned - "The Black Stallion" (1979) and "Carol" (2015). One is a horse film, one is a lesbian love story. Both are cinematic works of art and I had spiritual epiphanies watching both. Fun Fact: Having a spiritual epiphany at age 4 is kinda tough. [chuckles] I handled the "Carol" epiphany a bit better. 😉

💜 Three wishes, huh? Two of these are less wishes and more life goals, but here goes:

1 - To own a horse and learn to ride

2 - To publish one of the very many novels in my head (assuming I ever write any of them 👉👈 )

3 - … 👀

Am I really gonna say this in my "out loud" typing?

Yes, yes I am because maybe if I say it often enough, I can will it into being... To meet and befriend a chubby-chaser version of Helena Klein [blushes]

Now, did someone say hugs? [makes grabby hands] Come here, you! [hugs]’

- Mod Helena ⚔️

———————————

‘How’s it going, Kathy! Things fluctuate in life, but I generally stay on the happier, positive side of things. I hope all is going well for you & thanks for the questions! 😸

🤎 My favorite song is: “Gravity” by Sara Bareilles & has been for the past 10 years or so. She is one of my all-time fave singers and that song is just so hauntingly beautiful. She plays her vocal cords like an instrument in it! 🥰

🤎 My fave movies are “Seven Brides for Seven Brothers” & “Tipping the Velvet”. I’m aware of how problemic the first movie is, as it’s a 50’s musical. I just adore musicals and grew up watching so many older ones, so I’m more forgiving for those than more recent movies. “Tipping the Velvet” was a lovely book by Sarah Waters, so when I heard the BBC had done a mini-series of it, I just had to see that lesbian hero’s journey brought to life! 🤩

🤎 3 wishes… hmm…

1. Financial stability for both my loved ones and me for the rest of our lives (while still being able to travel).

2. To be able to talk to animals & thus, be able to help elevate their voices. Saving habitats & species alike.

3. I’d wish for my wife (and future kids) to be happy and taken care of, should anything ever happen to me.

Lovely chatting with you, Kathys81! Take care! [Big bear hug from this werewolf!]’

~ 🐺 Mod Mackenzie

—————————————

‘Hello, dear… I'm fairing quite well, and I hope you are, too. 🖤

As for the questions:

🖤 Picking a favorite song would be… an impossible feat. 🤣 I have far, far too many. I have been listening to a lot of Written by Wolves lately, though - so currently the songs “Demons”, “Lucky Stars”, and their cover of “Elastic Heart” are my top tracks.

🖤 Favorite movie is just as hard. 😅 Er... Hm... the original “Black Christmas”, maybe? Or the “Emperor's New Groove”? 🤣 I dunno… I have a lot. 😅

🖤 1. To be able to travel uninhibitedly.

2. To be able to see myself through the eyes of the people who care about me most.

3. A lifetime supply of pizza.

Hugs back to you, dear! 🖤

- Mod Ruelle

[jacscorner]

Pokemon All-Stars: A Fan Region/Game/Alternate Universe Idea

I like watching and rewatching Original Pokemon Game/Region videos. Like Mr. Buddy's "What if X was a Pokemon Region" and stuff like that. I wanna make-or, I guess, write-my own. Since Regions are kind of a character all their own and I'm a Wannabe Character Artist, I wanted to try and make one my own.

I've got no skills in coding, pixel arts, or anything, so this will forever be just some kind of dumb fanfic that sometimes incorporates Game Mechanics to justify things if it were able, for some Godforsaken reason, 'stolen' for a game. Cause, in 2021, no idea feels too big or too dumb. And, uh, trust me, this'll be a dumb fanfic of an idea. So be aware for the subpar writing talents of some wannabe writer who doesn't know shit.

Small disclaimer though:

>This region is being made with the intention that every extra feature will be available in it. Z-Moves, Regional Variants, Gygantamax, Mega Evolutions, and maybe some things I've forgotten. This probably won't matter cause it's just a dumb fanfic plot bible with mechanics peppered in. Competitive balancing be damn! Pokemon Fans can create their own balance! That's what the Battle Simulator is for! In fact, if this was a real game, then it'd have a Battle Simulator like Showdown built into it.

>This is an open source Fanfic Bible. You can take this idea and run with it if you want. You can omit all my bad ideas even!

>I won't be making my own Fakemon. I don't like a lot of Fakemon that exists out there and, trust me when I say this: I am no better than them. In fact, I'm fucking worse.

>If this WERE a game, it probably WOULD still have to cut some Pokemon. I doubt that kinda, and I won't get into why I think dexit was dumb personally, cause it doesn't really matter. But, like, my fan game/fanfic will have a lot of shit going on in it. So, like, realistically, there would probably need to be a cut, if not for data, than just cause there's a lot of work to do as is. But, like, again, under the context of a fic, this wouldn't be an issue.

>With THAT said, I'd want this game to have a Gen 2 Sprite aesthetic. My fangame, don't care if ya'll don't like that.

>I'm probably gonna copy a LOT of stuff from other Fangames I've played. My shit memory probably won't allow me to remember what I'm biting from what, so be free to call me out whenever. Cause if I stole the mechanic, I probably liked it the game. And if not, well, I'd like the recommendation.

Fuck, this was long already. The rest is under the cut, so, like, if you're already turned off, you can stop reading. I understand. I'm kind of a windbag.

Okay, so how many of you guys have seen this picture on the internet? It's a picture of a ton of Pokemon regions all...basically stitched together, since not only could this never be canon, but this goes beyond the size of even most open world games today. But this was the inspiration for this project. The map probably wouldn't, and probably couldn't, look like this, but it perfectly sums up what I'd want out of this game. Thus, it'll be our placeholder.

Our hometown of Capricorn Town is home to Professor Chestnut, and you, her faithful assistant, are about to set off on a Pokemon adventure of your own! The Professor is encouraging you to see the region of Sidus for yourself and is even willing to give you a Starting Pokemon!

Starting Pokemon

Now, if I'm not making new Pokemon, which Starter will it be? Well, the game will have the data for all the starters and will randomly select a Grass, Fire, and Water Type for you to choose from. Those will be your starters, with the option of also choosing Pikachu, Eevee, and Riolu, the two mascot mons...and Riolu, who is kind of a mascot mon, but a lesser one.

Let's say for this example, your options are Torchic, Piplup, Rowlet, Pikachu, Eevee, and Riolu. And, uh, get used to the words 'random' and 'generator', those are our keywords.

Anyway, once you get your pick, there'll be some kind of tutorial mission the Professor will send you on. This will introduce you to two very important things;

1. One of your Rival.

2. An Evil Team Grunt.

Rivals?!

Now to start getting into why this game might still be pretty big still be big despite the sprites on modern consoles.

Each of your Rivals would be one kid from each region of the 8 Mainline Games from Kanto to Kalos. How this'll be decided is that each pair of kids will be plugging into a generator and will pick between either the boy or girl version.

Ex. Brendan and May both cannot be in the game. Instead, they'll be plugged into this generator. Let's say the generator fell onto May. She'll be one of your Rival. Repeat this process 7 more times until you have 8 Rivals sprinkled throughout the world, each one given a defined personality and better AI to make them harder trainers to fight.

May will have one of the Hoenn Starters, sans Torchic. Regardless of whether or not Protagonist-San picked Torchic, May will either have a Treecko or Mudkip, again, chosen at random per kid. Whichever Starter you picked, your first rival will have a starter that beats yours. So, let's say moving forward, May has a Mudkip and you a Torchic. The other kids will have random starters of the various regions they originally hail from.

Anyway, your rivals will wander the overworld. If they see you, they'll battle you on sight. If they lose, they'll be gone after the next time you turn the game off. They won't battle you again until they respawn, but you can hang out with them. In fact, you can even recruit them to be in your party for a few days and they'll follow you around and just generally be your friend. It'll make every battle a double battle, but they'll battle you again before their timer runs out, so be prepared!

BANG! BANG! ENTER! Team Wild!

The two of you will have to face off against Team Wild! They have a Cowboy theme to them, using a mix of Ground and Steel-Types, with a few Pokemon being added in for good measure like the Ponyta Lines, Cacnea Line, and Remoraid. Cause...it's a gun.

They're an outlaw gang, they're rough and tough (or, at least, a mild threat) and will always throw down when they spot ya. Something I'm just sniping from JelloApocalypse is that they'll appear sporadically and act as Timed Events across the map.

You and your new Rival beat them and send you packing. I'd imagine May and the other Rivals would mostly be friendly, but I'm sure there's one or two that'll just be jerks to you. Regardless of personality, they'll be pretty tough and programmed to skill with you. Your strongest mon you have on hand when you fight them will be the level their entire team.

With your tutorial done, the world is opened up! Your mom gives you your running shoes, some Pokeballs, and your...I don't know, PokeCelular or something, just the regional gadget that does a bunch of stuff. From holding your map to holding your VS Seeker.

The PokeCelular will also give you notifications on where Team Wild are! You can choose to ignore the events, but if you do, then they'll start to appear in the overworld know and will get progressively stronger.

A Balancing Act

This game will be an open world, 8-Bit Sprite Game for you to explore after you leave Capricorn!

So how do we balance that?

Well, we got our Rival out of the way already, so let's move on. Gym Leaders will have a pretty linear progression. However, regardless of which Gym you tackle first, they'll all be at the same level.

It doesn't matter if you decide to go across the map and battle the Bug Gym, he'll stay at Level 10, just like the Normal Gym. Whe you get the second badge, they'll all jump to Level 15. NPC Trainers will follow the same progression; the higher your badge number, the stronger the number of Pokemon they'll be.

Wild Pokemon will also get stronger. The more badges you get, it'll attract stronger wild Pokemon because they'll see you're stronger and will come out more.

The overworld will also have various dungeons in them that'll be Level Locked. Say, you go through a forest and you're just trying to reach the end of a maze. The Trainers and Pokemon will function the same as I've mentioned before. But, you can decide to go deeper into the dungeon. These Pokemon will be level locked, usually something of a high level, because this is a more dangerous part of the dungeon. But, there'll be some goodies down there, like rarer Pokemon and some kind of really rare and good item like a TM or something.

How will you traverse? Well, first of all, HMs? They're semi-back. BUT, instead of having to deal with teaching Cut to a Pokemon, you just need the move Cut and a Pokemon that can use the move and you'll be able to use Cut. A few other Pokemon that are reasonable candidates, but don't get cut, will be allowed to do this too. Like, Gallade can use Cut. It can't learn the move, but just holding the HM will get the job done.

Controversial opinion, but I think I've always liked the idea of HMs. On paper, they give you a reason to explore the world and go back to areas you couldn't before for goodies and make for a good way to get off dungeons until you get the needed item. Even something like Cut can be used to open up new areas for exploration for your squad of mons.

BUT, well, HMs suck. As moves, they suck save for, like, 2...MAYBE and they're only for, like, a handful of areas. You either hand them out as evenly as possible, forcing mons to take moves you don't wanna use, or you just get an HM Slave or two to use 'em all. But like they, they serve their function and all you need is the Pokemon in question and NOT teach them the move. If you need a Move Deleter just so people aren't stuck having to use Rock Smash for three towns, then there's a problem with your RPG. Imagine playing Final Fantasy and you had to give your Fighter the Bronze Axe to get through a forest and still had to fight with it, even though you got a +12 Silver Sword! It's no wonder people hated these things! But I don't think getting rid of them and introducing Rental Pokemon was a good solution either and adds a different, albeit less intrusive problem.

Gym Leaders

So, how do Gym Leaders work?

Much like your rivals, they'll be randomly generated. Let's say, hypothetically, there's a pool of 60 Gym Leaders and Elite Four members. The game will randomly generate 16 to be Gym Leaders. The generator will have some kind of complicated math (at least, too complicated for me) so that you don't have more than 2 gyms of the same type. (Example: Misty and Nessa might be Active Gyms, Siebold can't be selected for a Gym cause the Water Slots are taken).

As a trade off, some Gyms might have special conditions before you can challenge them. Like, if you got stuck with Koga as a Gym Leader, than he'll only let you in if you complete a nearby dungeon and help his daughter out cause he doesn't trust her to make it back on her own. Or, like, Claire's a Gym Leader, but she won't battle you unless you've collected 7 Gym Badges prior at least.

The Gym Leaders, as mentioned before, will get progressively stronger with each badge obtained. After the 8th badge, you can go and climb Victory Road, face the E4 and confront the Champion! You can keep hunting Gym Leaders, but just remember that the E4 will always be 10 Levels above the strongest gym you beat. And they'll just get stronger with every one you beat until all 16 are slain.

Another handful, let's say 8, Gym Leaders/E4 Members will be wondering around as NPC Trainers. The justification is that this big super region is in some Alternate Universe Pokemon Game that has all the Pokemon and other important trainers in it, hence why we can have a game where Roxanne and Lenora are hanging out at a coffee shop. They're not Rivals, more like stronger NPCs you can rematch and wonder the map. They're not here to be the very best like no one ever was.

I mean, I'd like, like, 10-20 instead of 8 extras, but let's not get TOO greedy...yet...

Elite Four

And now, it's time to flip the script. Cause if E4 members can be Gym Leaders, then who are the Elite Four?

Easy. The Rivals.

All the Rival characters will be put in a random generator as well. The four that are chosen. You can have an Elite Four made up of Wally, Marnie, Hau, and Barry and you gotta deal with it.

This is excluding Brendan and May, Blue, and Calem and Serena. Anyone else is fair game.

Champion

So, the Champion. Who would it be in this? There was a funny idea I had, but this is a Pokemon Game. So there would be two versions. We'll call them Pokemon Dawn & Dusk. The difference between these games is the game Champion!

Benga would be the Champion of Pokemon Dusk, the grandson of Alder! His final Team will include Volcarona, Garchomp, and Dragonite, Pokemon he used in Black and White. I'd also include Scrafty, Rampardos, and Golurk, Pokemon used against you in White Treehollow and Black Tower areas.

Meanwhile, the Champion of Pokemon Dusk will be Zinnia, the Lorekeeper! Her team would include the Goodra, Tyrantrum, Altaria, Noivern, and Salamence she used in her original team, with her plucky Whismur sidekick becoming an Exploud and her ace.

You would've met them in the beginning of the game and would've showed off a bit by helping you with Team Wild before. They'll pop in and out throughout the game, at first amused by your tenacity, but not wanting a rookie like you to get hurt. But if you keep bonking Team Wild, they'll be impressed with how strong you are.

The show up to chat again when you beat 8 Gym Leaders, and will pop in if you White Out to give you some advice. White Out three times and they'll feel bad for you and give you an egg. Benga will give you a Larvesta Egg and Zinnia a Bagon Egg.

EXTRAS

So I don't got a lot of ideas for the Post Game, but there is one idea I thought would be cool if, if after you defeat the champion, they give you a call. They'll tell you that there are strong trainers wondering the Overworld and to be careful.

Because dotting the overworld will be Champions passed and proper! Cynthia, Blue, Lance; all of them are rocking Lv 100 Teams and are out for blood. They won't challenge you, but if you talk to them, there will be no backing out of the battle! You come with your A-Game!

sI'm not exactly in love with the idea of Team Wild. Maybe the Evil Team should go full fanservice and just be Team Rainbow Rocket. Or maybe go half-and-half; having past Evil Team members and leaders walk around in cowboy gear and acting as Team Wild executives.

I'd also would love Tournaments. Like, maybe that could be a weekly event in some town, they'll how tournaments and the characters that aren't designated as Gym Leaders and such will attend. Maybe there's a cash prize, maybe you'll win Pokemon Eggs of rare, guaranteed shines, or maybe you'll get some kind of important quest items.

Yeah, I want quests! All sorts of side quests! And can't forget what I'd do with Legendairs;

If you know Bengal's team, you'll know he's got the Lati Twins. I don't like that personally and would prefer Legendaries to be Super Bosses. Like, you gotta do a lot to find them. And when you do, their stats are boosted and they become an Uber Boss! You catch them in a cutscene after you beat them!

There's also just a ton of characters I didn't get around to or really have a place for. Emma, Looker, N, and the Stat Trainers all come to mind. Overall, I'd want them to pepper the world as well, but don't have anything to say except this: Pokemon has made a lot of memorable characters. Both good and bad. And this is probably my dream Pokemon Game; one where you can hang out with your favorites

[turbulentt]

her heart tastes bitter. chapter one.

warnings: mentions of parental figure's death. 

author’s note: if you wish to be tagged on the following chapters to keep up with the fanfic please let me know. i haven’t decided how regularly i will post. hope you guys enjoy :)

_

"oh, looks who's here." yunho happily runs to congratulate you "i heard it was a tough job. are you okay?"

"yeah, i'm fine." you answer and quickly move to your desk "i have to write the report to hand to the boss."

"oh, good luck with that. also, wooyoung was talking shit about you earlier, nothing new, when are you going to deal with that?" yunho sits on your desk and you shrug your shoulders unbothered. you're more than used having jung wooyoung as your personal hater, him and a couple of his mates who, unfortunately, you are obliged to call coworkers. "i can't do anything if he's an idiot. it's been what? two or three years? he's just throwing a tantrum at this point."

"i know, but he has tried to sabotage you more than once. why don't you tell the boss?" yunho is always this worried about you, apart from your boss he is one of the few people who respect you at work. "i don't want to bother mister kim with these childish matters. besides, wooyoung is his right arm. who do you think he will trust?"

"you're partially right. but bear in mind that he chose to trust you when no one else did. not even me. he has your back, you know that."

"i know." you smile "don't you have a job soon?"

"i do. i need to get going. wish me luck!" yunho pops up happily and walks away as he waves back at you. "don't get eaten!" you say jokingly and he gives you the middle finger.

as you keep writing the report your mind keeps drifting away to yunho's words. it's true what he said, you couldn't deny that it was mister kim who supported you when no one else believed in your dream. kim hoongjoong was and is your savior, and for that, you own him your life. and it's funny, now it feels like you both have a father-daughter like relationship, and that's one of the reasons most for your coworkers to not be very fond of you, but you have proven your worth more than once.

your phone rings unexpectedly startling you.

"what do you want, yeosang? i'm at work." you pout and lean back on your chair.

"ok sorry, rude. i just needed to tell you that you're supposed to have dinner at my place tonight," he explains, leaving you confused.

"why am i having dinner at your place?"

"my mom is in town, she wants to see you. please, i already told her you'd come." yeosang pleas cutely.

"okay, fine. but i'm doing this for your mom." you scoff.

"good! at my apartment, at eight o'clock, don't be late."

"i won't."

"oh also, try not to talk about your demon-slaying job to her." he mocks you.

"bye, yeosang." you chuckle and hang up the call.

yeosang is your best friend for as long as you can remember. he's been with you through a lot, and he was the one who held your hand when you received the news that your father had passed away. he's like your pillar, there's nothing he won't do for you, and vice-versa.

yet, with that comes that you can not possibly keep secrets from each other. not even if you try. the guilt will only consume you enough to make you confess.

the first time you told yeosang about your job he didn't believe you. obviously, like any other regular human would. yeosang does not believe in demons, or he didn't at least. as a demon slayer, you aren't supposed to reveal your identity to outsiders, only not to go through the danger of that outsider being a demon.

but at that time ou didn’t think it through, you just had to make yeosang believe.

...two years ago...

"so you mean that you've been working as a demon slayer for approximately one year now?" yeosang repeats almost perfectly what you had just explained to him. "exactly. but you don't believe just yet, am I right?" you look at him unamused. "how exactly do you expect me to believe shit like this, y/n? this sounds like a movie."

"i know it does, but would i lie to you?"

"well, no. bu-" you cut him off and drag him across the cafe and outside. "wait a damn minute. you're really a pain in the ass."

you get your phone to call someone and yeosang just stares at you expectantly.

"yes? yunho I need a favor."

after a few minutes of conversation, you convince yunho to give you the location of a low-class demon.

your plans weren't the best, you admit that. but you always had this irresponsible side, reckless and empty-headed self. you just wanted to show him you were telling the truth.

and so you did. you drove to the location along with yeosang and you could very clearly feel his uneasiness. by now he knew he should've taken you more seriously.

arriving there you just told him to stay inside the car and watch quietly as you slew the demon mercilessly with your sword. he watched as you penetrated its heart and trapped his soul back to the underworld.

as you get back on the car, clothes stained from demon blood and sweat dripping from your forehead, you look at him once again.

"do you believe me now?"

"you said your boss’s name is kim hoongjoong? tell me more."

instead of being scared, yeosang was actually very much excited, as he now believes in demons and demon slayers.

"kim hoongjoong, or mister kim as everyone refers to him, is the best of the best. he is the leader of the demon slayers and the most powerful too. he has been given the power to see demons and any kind of spirit at his birth and with that gift, he is the one who assigns each demon to a certain slayer. there are many layers of demon slayers, arranged by power, to keep the balance in the underworld." you start to explain as you drive away through the city. "just like the old hierarchy? with kings, queens, clergy, and such?"

"exactly. mister kim is who we call the higher entity which makes him the most powerful yet vulnerable slayer for the magnitude of power he holds. all demons see him as a threat, not enough to attack him, but we have to make sure he is protected nevertheless. for that are the knights, those who stay by the boss' side and protect him from possible attacks. they also assist other slayers on their jobs if there is requested any help." you keep on explaining and yeosang seems utterly absorbed by your words.

"are you a knight?" he asks curiously. "no, not yet at least. i’m who they call the warriors. we deal with middle or low-class demons and cleanse locations and souls."

"oh! that seems interesting. so, you basically prevent places from being haunted?" yeosang sounded like a curious child discovering a new hobby, is very amusing to you. "you could say that. but instead of haunted, we refer it as being possessed. either people, animals, plants, places, or inanimate objects." you point out.

yeosang suddenly goes quiet, you glance at him only to see him tremble in his seat.

"so does that mean that spiders can be possessed?" his hands shake and you laugh at him. "yeah, but they can't hurt you. demons usually only use animals as a form of transport until they find a fitted human to be their host. a few demons though, connected to animals, can indeed possess animals in order to create the chaos but they are rare so don't sweat it."

"yeah... yeah i won't." he chuckles nervously.

...present...

"the boss is calling for you."

sighing you stand from your desk and make your way up to your boss' office. as you walk through the place heavy unpleasant stares are held on you, as if you were some kind of demon to them. knocking at the metal door you hear a sweet voice giving you permission to enter.

"did you call for me, sir?" you close the door behind you, standing still where you are waiting for a response. "you can quit the act. it doesn't fit you." he laughs lowly and turns his chair to you with a smile "there's no one here, make yourself comfortable."

"good." you chant jokingly and sit on the chair in front of his desk "but why did you call?"

"i felt like talking." he smiles looking at you and you give him a stare of confusion "tea?"

"yes, please." you watch as he pours the tea for both of you and takes a sip "you can also quit the act, boss. you didn't just feel like talking out of nowhere."

he laughs again, this time a bit louder and sighs.

"perceptive as always. you're right." he stares at his tea blankly seeming to look for the right words "i was talking to your father just now."

"oh. how's he?" you take another sip, not minding the tension building around the room. "he's doing good. hasn't found his path yet. i'm sorry if this bothers you."

"you know it doesn't. my dad died a while ago, long enough for me to get over it." you smile weakly "i'm worried that he hasn't found the path to the beyond yet thought. does he know what's keeping him here?"

"no. i have no clue either. do you have any ideas of what it might be?"

"i don't know. my dad had a lot of unfinished businesses. maybe it is a relationship. there are numberless possibilities." you cross your arms and shrug, there is not much you can do, humans should not interfere on spirits journeys to the beyond. "i hope he finds his peace soon. meanwhile, i have something for you."

"a new job?" your eyes shine in expectation and your boss looks at you fondly. "yes. this one will determine whether or not you will ascend on the chain." he hands you a white envelope, holding all the information on the demon and its host.

excitedly your fiddle your fingers through the envelope to open it, it's such an important job, finally, one of the many to come where you will have to give your all to prove to mister kim that you are the suited one to follow his footsteps and inherit his powers.

as you pull the stack of papers out you feel a cold shiver run down your spine. something's not right. skipping the first page you get to what matters, the face and name of the demon you will be slaying next is all that you care about.

and then you see his face.

stamped on that paper are his name and his face.

your next target is him.

you look up at mister kim wordlessly. he stares back at you smiling, fully aware of all that is running through your head at that moment.

"c-choi san…?"

[mrswhozeewhatsis]

I just today decided to cut ties with my mom. It's too long a story to put in an ask, but basically she crossed the line one time too many. I don't even like her as a person anymore. And yet, I feel like I'm the one at fault. Years and years of her always making everything about herself, and making me feel guilty is so hard to ignore. Anyway, I just needed to tell someone, since I don't have anyone to call or talk to face to face.

Good for you for choosing yourself first!! You do you, friend!!

Cutting off a parent is HARD. The closest I’ve come, personally, is when my father and I just really didn’t talk or see each other for a few years after I graduated high school. He had never really been a presence in my life, anyway, so it wasn’t a huge change. For most of my life, he was a card or a phone call at Christmas and birthdays, and that’s it.

The closest I’ve had to come to what you’re experiencing is when the parenting tables turned between me and my mother. The first time I had to speak up and tell her she was being seriously ridiculous about something, the first time she came to me for help with something that I really thought she knew, and every time she now looks to me for advice about stuff...it’s just WEIRD. 

And I know, this sounds nothing like what you’re dealing with, but at the very core of it, you’ve cut the apron strings so you are no longer at her mercy. You took the power away from her and kept it for yourself. In a way, by me becoming the parent to my mom, I took her whole apron and gave her the strings. I’m still tied, but the power balance is different, now. You’re FREE. Congratulations!!

Family is tough. And you’re gonna feel awful about this decision, or maybe you won’t, and either is okay! Keep a list of reasons why you’ve done this written down somewhere handy. When you feel like you’re slipping, remind yourself why you did it in the first place. It’s a lot like when I quit smoking. I posted papers EVERYWHERE with a list of reasons why I wanted to quit. It was the first thing I saw when I woke up, it was in my car, on my bathroom mirror, on my cubical wall at work, and it kept me on track. Having it written down means your brain can’t warp the memories, which is what brains do. 

And remember, you are enough. You are worth the work this is going to take to keep your distance. Love yourself enough to forgive yourself when you feel guilty. Again, YOU ARE WORTH IT.