#it’s my mental illness and I’ll do what I want
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Mama, I’m in love with a criminal
Tags: Sukuna x fem!Reader, no curse au, dead dove, violence described including murder, dark romance, use of y/n, descriptions of mental illness.
Synopsis: Sukuna’s talking to his therapist in jail about you. He’s incarcerated because of you, and his obsession is concerning.
An: Yeah idk i thought of this while I was driving to work one morning.
Session one.
His large frame laid lazily over the couch, clad in an orange jumpsuit. He had his feet propped up on one side, and his head was propped up on the other side in a far too casual manner. His naturally pink hair pushed up near the front, messily so.
He was still cuffed and shackled, but the therapist was still afraid of him. To the therapist’s credit, he had read the warrant that went into viscous detail of Sukuna’s crimes.
Normally, the therapist wouldn’t read the inmates warrants due to situations like these. He liked going into sessions with an open mind, but he had gotten warnings about Sukuna… how the man can fly into a blind rage like a switch on the wall.
He was brutal, unforgivable, inhumane.
Simple counseling wasn’t going to “fix” a broken human like Sukuna. The therapist knew this, but the state mandated that Sukuna undergo weekly counseling sessions per his sentence.
Sukuna could taste the therapist’s fear, and he let out an earnest laugh. “You don’t even want to try to fix me, do you?” He asked tauntingly with a lopsided grin. “I don’t blame you. Don’t feel bad~”
The therapist swallowed the lump in his throat, and he adjusted in his seat. “I can’t fix anyone… Counseling isn’t about fixing.. It’s about moving forward and learning how to live.”
“Bullshit.” Sukuna spits with shrug. “Counseling is about focusing on the past and letting shit hang you up for far too long. I guarantee you that you’re going to ask me about how I got here, is that right?”
The therapist is shaking like a leaf at this point. “Our past can help us navigate to a better future.” He murmured out weakly.
Sukuna roars in laughter, causing the therapist to nearly jump out of his seat. The pink-haired felon doubles over as he laughs hysterically. “You’re a funny guy. Fine. You really want to know how I got here? I’ll tell you.”
After a deep breath and wiping away a fake tear, Sukuna goes on, “You know, teachers always believe that pairing the troubled kids up with the good kids will inspire them to act right. That shit never works.”
“I think that’s when my ‘type’ developed. My bitch of a second-grade teacher assigned me to sit next to this frail meek girl after I got in trouble one too many times for terrorizing the other kids. She was a real stick in the mud.” Sukuna laughs fondly, a rare genuine smile on his face.
“Y/n?” The therapist asks, remembering your name from the warrants.
Sukuna’s red eyes snap over to the therapist with an almost predatory gaze. His hands visibly curl into fists. “Say her name again, and I’ll splatter your blood all over this room. The officers won’t be able to pry me from you, deeming you to be a lost cause.”
The therapist freezes as the breath hitches in his throat. His eyes dart toward his panic button, knowing he should probably press it now, but he’s frozen in fear.
“We’ll call her mouse.” Sukuna goes on as if he didn’t just threaten the poor guy’s life in brutal detail.
“Mouse was a real challenge. I for some reason made it my mission to get her to talk to me, but she always stayed silent — only answering me with simple head gestures.” He laughs again, lying his head back further as he’s replaying the memories in his mind. He can remember you vividly and how you looked back then. He yearns for that feeling again. The feeling of seeing you for the first time.
“I can’t exactly tell you when the challenge started to border obsession, but she slowly slithered her way into my brain. Even when I wasn’t in school, I thought about her. I wondered what she sounded like, wondered why she wouldn’t talk to me, wondered why she looked at me like that.”
The therapist furrows his eyebrows. Even though he doesn’t feel safe in this session, and he doesn’t trust Sukuna at all, he has a hunger for knowledge, and he loves solving things that have to do with the human psyche.
“Looked at you like what?” The therapist dared to ask.
Sukuna stayed silent for a moment, and he tapped his finger against the back of his hand. His face hardened as he found the words he was looking for. “She looked at me like she had no preconceived notion of me. Her eyes��� were so big and round. Even though she didn’t talk to me, it was like she accepting of my presence.”
The shackles jingled as Sukuna rubbed his face in a stressed gesture. Remembering you was like a double edged sword. He loved thinking about you, but he hated being reminded that he was without you.
The therapist eased in his chair. There was actual emotions underneath all those tattoos, thick skin, and muscle. The media had portrayed Sukuna as a complete narcissistic sociopath, but this was proof that diagnosis was false.
“I bothered the shit out of her for years, continually getting myself paired up with her.” Sukuna grinned, shifting the conversation back in a direction that he was more comfortable with, “I remember those asshole kids always called me her shadow because I followed her everywhere. Jokes on them.”
The therapist shivered as be remembered a chilling detail from the warrants. Each time a victim was found, a message was written in the victim’s blood.
-ʏᴏᴜʀ ꜱʜᴀᴅᴏᴡ
His victim’s - their deaths were like an homage to you.
“Were the kids ever… assholes to mouse?”
Sukuna’s jaw visibly tightened. He loathed this therapist’s questions… thinking he knew everything just because you and Sukuna were misunderstood kids.
“They called her weird for not talking.” Sukuna recalled as he bit his inner cheek. His eyes glared to the wall in front of him. “Now look at who can’t talk.”
Sukuna’s first victim. He didn’t start out with murder. He started out with stapling your bullies mouth shut for taunting you. Everything was for you. Everything.
He held a kid down to the teacher’s in third grade, grabbing a stapler, and he pressed it down one by one into the kids lips, binding them together. The kid couldn’t scream or cry for help, or else he’d risk ripping the flesh on his lips.
The teachers found the kid and immediately knew the only kid sadistic enough to go through with such an act was none other than Sukuna.
“Did mouse witness you do that?” The therapist asked, genuinely intrigued by Sukuna’s narrative. For being a ruthless criminal, he was a wonderful historian.
“No. Why would I scare her like that?” Sukuna’s voice was tense as he eyed the therapist carefully, as if he was waiting for him to say the wrong thing.
The therapist clicks his tongue in surprise, and he looks like a deer in headlights. “Scare? No.. no, I thought you’d maybe just show off what you did for her.”
“I’m not the type to show off.” Sukuna answers flatly, and the therapist wonders if that’s the first time Sukuna’s lied during this session. He knows that Sukuna likes to show off. The warrants prove it.
“Anyways, I wore her down over the years. She didn’t speak to me until we were in sixth grade.” An eerie smile curls on Sukuna’s lip. “I can still remember her first word to me and how she said it…”
The therapist leaned in, curiosity getting best of him.
Sukuna smirks, knowing he has the therapist interested now. “Her first word to me was a plea. A word to show her undeniable want. Her first word to me was please.”
Bang! Bang Bang!
The therapist literally flinches out of his chair from the heavy knocks at the door.
“Ryomen! Your time is up!” The officer yelled on the other side of the door.
“Pity. I was beginning to have fun.” Sukuna remarked as he stood up from the couch. The shackles jingled as he walked toward the door, and the door buzzed, letting him out. “See you next week, doc.”
#jjk#jujutsu kaisen#jjk fanfic#fanfic#drabble#jjk sukuna#sukuna x y/n#sukuna x you#jujutsu sukuna#sukuna ryomen#sukuna x reader#ryomen sukuna#sukuna#jjk ryomen#ryomen x reader#jujutsu kaisen ryomen#dark romance
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My story:
Hi, this is the story of my eddie Sheeran (😭) and how I got here right now.
I had a lot of trauma when I was a child, which I won’t get into right now, but the thoughts started when I was about 11. It was never serious, I’d exercise for like 2 days and then be like nah fuck this I want a burger 🤪 lmao.
I started engaging in the behaviours of it when I was 14, in 2019. Again, it was never something I was able to stick with, and I’d be over it within a few days. 2020 was a weird year for me, with the lockdown, I was determined to finally do it, that was also the year I did my longest fast of 6 days (never again😮💨). But it was a year of constant binging and starving, I saw zero progress. I didn’t know myself, what I could or couldn’t handle. I thought I could just eat max 500 cals every day and it would be sustainable (it wasn’t lmao), it always ended in a binge.
Then began 2021, the worst year of my life for all my mental illnesses. I was in an abusive relationship at this point, bullied by people, and I felt completely alone. And this was when my personal worst relapse began. I was at my HW of 58-60kgs, and at first, it began as a regular diet (August 2021), and then towards late September that year, I knew it wasn’t just a regular diet when I began restricting heavily again, and exercising daily. I lost 10-12kgs, and was 48kgs by the end of October 2021. I felt amazing, I felt so powerful and happy that I was finally, after all these years, I was getting somewhere. Yep well those feelings were wiped away real quick the following November, which was again, a month of constant binging and starving. It was awful, I felt like I had lost complete control, like it was someone possessing my body and making me eat all those pizza’s, when it wasn’t, it was all me, and only me. December that month was good again, I got back to 48kgs, and then went on a 3 day fast the days before Christmas, when I knew I was going to have to eat food.
Christmas fucked it up for me, and I tried to get back to it for 3 weeks, but in January 2022, I decided I was sick of this disorder, and tried to recover for good.
And I did, 3 years of no restricting, no thoughts, nothing, it was nice.
I got diagnosed with ADHD later that year in December 2022, and was put on elvanse (relevant later on).
Fast forward to jan 2024, and I got my first job at a fast food place (ironic much?), and I hated it, I was treated awfully by managers and co-workers. For context, there was an ADHD med shortage in the UK from August 2023, till march 2024, in this time period I had gained a lot of weight and was back to my SW of 58kgs, I then lost a bit of it again once I got my meds back, and this one girl noticed, and she would non stop brag and brag and brag about how she had lost 3 stone, her pants didn’t fit her anymore, and she was losing lots of weight. This triggered me, but I was recovered at this point, so I just left the job and went to find a new one.
And here we are now. So what triggered me so badly for me to turn back to it after 3 whole years? One of my managers in my new workplace. My new workplace is so so much better, the co workers are wonderful, friendly people. But I’m getting micromanaged by one of my managers, I won’t go into the details, but it’s really fucking infuriating. And because I have severe social anxiety irl, I didn’t want to mention it to him, so I turned back to Ana as a way of regaining my lost control in that workplace. I’m over the situation now, but I can’t stop, I don’t want to stop, I love feeling like this, and I think I’ll be like this for the rest of my life.
That’s my story, I’m sorry for how long this, I tried to shorten it as much as I could, thank you for reading lovelies!! <3
#@na rules#4norexla#4nerex1a#ed but not ed sheeran#thinsperation#tw ed ana#anadiet#thinspp#i just want to be thin#light as a feather#4n4t1ps#4narex1a#4n@diary#4n4blr#4nor3xia#4n4rexia#an4r3xia#ana y mia#ana angels🪽#anor3c1a#tw ana bløg#tw ana rant#an4rexia#an4m1a#thin$po#thinspø#tw thinspi#an0r3cia
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#saw this in the Naruto fandom from a super old post#had to recreate it#it’s my mental illness and i’ll do what i want#leon kennedy#leon scott kennedy#leon kennedy smut#resident evil#resident evil x reader#leon kennedy x reader#I know where to find my people#leon kennedy death island#di leon kennedy#…he’s very close to the bars of my enclosure#if you made it this far hello
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It’s so embarrassing and heartbreaking being in so much pain over losing someone while knowing they don’t give a fuck if you live or die. Your favorite person becoming a stranger is a special kind of hell.
#I fucking hate having bpd#while I’m at it I don’t understand the fuckin audacity some people have to say they love you and do horrible things to you#I feel so stupid#I feel so stupid for believing all the lies#but I was so in love and put him on such a pedestal that I just allowed it all.#thinking about someone constantly and grieving over them and knowing they’re perfectly fine and to them you don’t exist#I’m still in such a state of grief and I don’t understand why time hasn’t healed#it honestly feels like it’s gotten worse w time#I just torture myself but I can’t help it my brain wants me dead#it’s so painful I feel so fucking stupid#being abandoned with no closure by someone who’s your entire world#for someone they were unfaithful to you with multiple times (I don’t even know how many and dony want to know) immediately#like that was the plan all along#he took our cat hundreds of miles away and I don’t even know if he still has her or if she’s still alive and I miss her every day#I never loved someone like that and it feels like the heartbreak is actually physically killing me#i spent 1/5 of my entire life with him#I was my prettiest and had the best body at the time and I wasted it on someone who didn’t appreciate me#not wasted. it wasn’t wasted. we had some incredible times together#I’ll never be that beautiful again#and now idk what do so bc i can’t decide which is worse: being alone and isolating or loving deeply and ending up horribly hurt all over#it’s all just so upsetting.#and I feel so stupid for allowing it all#he knows more about me than anyone and he made me feel like he loved me so much sometimes and then did horrid things and it’s so fucked up#nobody read this I’m so embarrassed and horribly broken#it traumatized me so much there was so much abuse and pain idk if I’ll ever recover#I deserved it but it still hurts my heart#I was so mentally ill and sick I know it had to have been miserable to be around me#there are so many things only he understands and knows about me and I need to talk about them I j wanna b able to b there 4 each other#but that girl is so beyond insecure and controlling so. if I want to talk to who fuckin gets me I’m just fucked#why lead someone on like that for years knowing you’re going to abandon them the second it’s convenient
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I’m like Johnny Truant in the tags of every goddamn post I make or reblog on this site and I’m not apologizing. If you want me to apologize come over to my house and you can talk to the minotaur about it
#House of leaves#im literally going insane these days I should go back to journaling but I’m also afraid of how far off the deep end I’ll go#Literally I am losing it and I’m being serious#I’m so fucking tired of being lonely and being left out and not being able to make connections#Sometimes I feel as if im doing things without realizing and no one is telling me about it#Other times it feels like I must have something incredibly wrong with my face or body and no one will say anything#People make plans and don’t bother to ask me if I want to join and then when I find out there’s a group chat that all my friends are in#Except me and when I asked if I could join I was given a bunch of reasons that were frankly bullshit why I couldn’t join#Are they talking shit about me? I know everybody there it’s not like I am a stranger#Am I just a stranger in this world as I unllikeable? I try my best to be nice and charitable but what am I missing?#Do I black out and say things and do things? Am I more mentally ill than I know?#The only reason (or one of the very few) why I stay alive is because of my horses because I know they would miss me and I already feel bad#Not seeing them everyday#I’m tired of being the odd one out I’m tired of being entertaining when necessary#I don’t want my only friends to be horses because it further alienates me from the rest of society and I just want to be accepted I’m not#Looking to fit in I just want connection and friendship and I can barely seem to manage that#Maybe I’m just not worth it.
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it’s finally getting cold enough that i can bring my cardigan collection back into rotation without feeling like i’m gonna melt into a puddle the second i step outside!!!
#Seven.txt#my face#i have rematerialized back out of the void to once again make my once-in-a-blue-moon selfie & life update post#i’m running on 4 hours of restless sleep and the single banana i ate for lunch earlier today. let’s do this#hrrrrg i hate the lighting in my bathroom but i refuse to take pictures in the absolute Mental Illness Disaster Zone™️ that is my bedroom#anyways. got diagnosed with Mystery Pain Syndrome at the dentist today. so now i take ✨steroids✨#the less funny explanation is that my tooth still hurts with pressure nearly a month post-root canal and That’s Not Good#so we’re trying some new medications to see if that fixes it. and if not then who knows. root canal pt.2 the sequel. or extraction. sigh#and so the Dental Saga continues. todays visit went quite well in spite of the unforeseen mystery pain delaying the tooth-shaving plans#we had some time to kill so he managed to fill some of my other tiny cavities while i was there today so that’s good#okay moving on. what else. uhh. OH they finally came out and ran the fiber to the house last week!!! now i’m just waiting on one more-#-guy to come and finish the interior install and the long awaited fast internet will finally be mine eheheheheeeee#now i can feel my hours upon hours of unedited gameplay footage breathing down my neck :)#man i’ve got so much stuff piled up right now. i’m drowning in Tasks and it’s a lil overwhelming but i’ll handle it all! eventually#uhhhhm my current writing project is coming along well! i’ve never put so much time and effort into a oneshot before in my life#its a labor of love though and i think i’m gonna be really proud of myself (and the fic) once it’s complete#even if no one reads it bc it’s so goddamn self indulgent and kinda lowkey throws canon out the window but like. fuck it!#if i want Astarion to write a song on piano and perform it for me while mentally taking me on a trip down memory lane. then so be it#fr though i’ve never written anything quite like this and i rlly want to do it justice. even if its unrealistic i still want it to be Good#in other news i received word that one of the chickens i sponsor at my local Gentle Barn has passed away so i had a lil cry abt that#i feel so bad for his little tiny chicken wife. they obviously loved each other and it’s like. so sad when one half of an old couple dies#like. she pulled him out of his depression after his 1st wife died. now who’s gonna be there to pull Her out…#anyways let’s not get all sad about that again. in happier news my cat who i presumed died/got killed has returned home uninjured!!!#after that huge stray dog chased her into the woods i thought we’d never find or see her again#but then the morning after i started grieving her she showed back up hungry as hell yet completely unharmed like the enigma that she is#so that’s one definite highlight from earlier this month. uhh what else. rapid fire summary of the past few weeks let’s go-#Jersey turned 10! Bullet turned 10! my 6 year Veganniversary happened! i’m approaching 700 days on DuoLingo!#i’ve written more than 20 thousand words! i’ve been facing some fears! fighting my OCD! taking care of myself! (kinda!)#anyways things are far from being all sunshine and roses around here but i’m trying to focus on the good stuff for the most part#for now tho i have a headache and have reached 30 tags so it’s time to go shovel some mashed potatoes into my mouth :)
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Unfortunately relatable. I grew up in the church and have a lot of Christian trauma from that. I show up for special occasions for my parents… sometimes. But it’s uncomfortable from the moment I step through the door. Bigoted pastor, the self-righteousness disguising the prejudice, the political comments from the altar. Shots at young people left right and center as if the hell on earth wasn’t caused by the same older generation 90% of the congregation belongs to..
I miss being young in the choir and the youth groups and not struggling with it. It’s wild to look back at the younger version of me who was unshakeable in his faith and honestly just saddening.
I was texting my sister today about it and she said
“I 100% think ALL of us have a ton of religious trauma and everyone else in the family just doesn’t realize it cause they’re still drinking the kool-aid.”
I ran out of tag room and didn’t want to delete any 😭 seriously not lying I could write a book about all my thoughts and experiences
#I relate to all of this so much#and it’s so sad how many people truly have religious trauma#I still find myself lucky and privileged cause I know there are stories MUCH worse than mine#it’s really hard cause my parents still think I’m a Christian#honestly at this point I have no clue what i am#even if I end up still being a Christian that doesn’t help or heal all of the years of church trauma#but the hard part is still acting the part for my parents#growing up I always tried to fit into the good Christian girl mold#cause I know that’s what my parents wanted and I didn’t want to disappoint them#but once I started smoking weed and they found out? it went all downhill from there#their perfect angel fell from heaven#and I feel like ever since I haven’t been really their daughter…. I’ve just been living on the outside looking in to everything#it hurts looking back at all the years I spent brainwashed into believing that was the ONLY faith#it genuinely makes me sick to my stomach thinking about the fact that I went to a pro life rally#the thing I was talking to my sister about was how mental health was never talked about in the church#when I started dealing with it and went to my parents or the pastors or any adult really and told them what I was dealing with#wanna know what the first thing they would ALWAYS say? well have you prayed about it? the way they treated mental illness was that it was#YOUR fault cause God is punishing you for something…. that you need to pray or go to church so then God will eventually take it away#and the thing is I don’t necessarily blame my parents (which kinda sucks cause I want to blame someone)#but honestly it’s just the environment they grew up in too… like I’m 99% sure my dad has dealt with depression his entire life#but won’t get diagnosed or anything cause they always believe faith has something to do with it#which makes me incredibly sad cause I just think about how much my dad has suffered and how he didn’t need to#^^ I was typing this out when I was late to my family gathering hahaha but then I think my sister called or something so I had to stop#sorry this post is all over the place - I swear I could write a book about religious trauma#yesterday went ok surprisingly but today? TODAY is going to be so much worse#sure I’ll make a post about it later but I guessssss I should go to bed now? it’s 2am and I have to get up at 5:45 🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃#and I have a fuuuuull day of fun Christian festivities while I’m dealing with all of this bottled up and unresolved crap from my past#please don’t get me wrong I love my parents and like I said I don’t blame them - they did their best#it just really sucks wondering what my life would have been like if I didn’t grow up in the church or in a super religious family#I wonder if when I told my parents I was depressed if they would have instantly brought me in to get help
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Hi! This might not be too helpful but I thought I'd share anyway just in case. You wrote in an ask reply tag that you realized that you are not a person who is okay but that it is alright. That reminded me so much of some of my own realisations about myself. I've come to learn that I cannot handle as much as others. Cannot take on as many tasks, as many meet ups (even friendly), or fill my day with as many things as people around me. It always felt like that meant that I was somehow less or weaker. But runninng into the same phenomenon over and over again made me question things. Also I would never think this about anyone else, this painful way of thinking was only reserved for myself. But with time I figured that maybe it was absolutely okay to have a different capacity for things. This is FINE. I'm not wrong or weak for this. Don't get me wrong, its still a daily struggle to remind myself, but it does get easier to believe.
So when I read this tag of yours I was really hoping that you meant it in a similar way, where this knowledge can bring comfort. You deserve the comfort! Wish I could hug you tightly 🫂
i love that you sent me this ask. i love that you worked (and are working) towards acceptance and respect and gentleness. you deserve that and i’m proud of you 🤍
as for myself, it’s a bit like that too, yeah
“i’m not okay but it’s fine it’s fine we move on anyway”
some days it means “i’m not okay but what the hell am i gonna do about it now except watch cartoons and try not to think until not being okay is not as prevalent and choking anymore”
some days it means “i’m not okay but i’ll try anyway, who knows what good might come of it”
some days it means “i’m not okay but in 10 minutes or an hour or tomorrow might be so i’ll put myself out there”
some days it means “i’m not okay and i haven’t been and maybe never will be and i get to mourn that, i get to be angry for all the past versions of myself who were refused help, i get to do things for them, because we are not okay and we get to be angry but still we deserve nice things”
some days it means “i’m not okay and that’s fine because there are people who will help me”
some days it means “i’m not okay and i will take a break now, i will breathe and try again later, or accept that simply cannot do this right now”
sometimes we just live with that mental limp, and some days it’s worse than others. we can’t pretend like it’s not there — what good would that bring? no, we just live with it. it’s fine, it’s fine, we move on anyway. but still we get to decide how and at what pace and in which direction we move on. it’s just the moving on part that is non-negotiable, and i feel like we deserve more credit for that — mostly from ourselves.
#i’ll go and stop trying to do my homework or work on my projects and presentations and oral exams that are coming up#they won’t let me breathe right now i don’t wanna do this anymore i can’t think i can’t access my brain#so what point is there in making myself cry when what i need to do is accept that i can’t do this today?#i don’t move on from the desperation and breathlessness and sobbin but instead move on from the thing that hurts my brain#i don’t mean to like. be mentally ill on main but goddamn 😂😂#anyway i really do love that you sent me this ask nonnie i don’t know if i’m making sense but in my defense i am crying lmao#and i want 2023 to be over i want summer to be over but i don’t want the winter either and i might actually be in some sort of crisis idk#anyway uh everyone listen to ‘looking for something’ by CASTLEBEAT. that’ll heal you
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#it’s my mental illness and I’ll do what I want#leon s kennedy#leon kennedy#leon scott kennedy#leon kennedy smut#leon kennedy x reader#resident evil#resident evil x reader#I know where to find my people#y’all are in these tags#oh and this#dead by daylight#dbd leon s kennedy#re death island#re vendetta#re6#re4r#spotify#spotify wrapped#this was suppose to be a naruto blog but LMAO#here I am
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ough isn’t it so fucked up that objectively good things happening still manage to give me anxiety so severe it makes me physically ill and cry. Like bitch we were upset bc we were gonna lose our insurance and are broke and we got a job!!! That’s a good thing why are u even more upset and freaking out!! Be normal!!!!! 🔫 sprays self with spray bottle
#I’m like MAD abt being upset 😭 this is ridiculous can someone come kick my ass#I haven’t even started yet btw I’m still waiting to do the bloodwork and drug tests etc this week !!!! I don’t even know how it’ll be!!!#im just . I’m so scared I’ll freak out and quit again I wish my brain wasn’t….like this yk 🥲 in general#I wish things were easier#even when good things are happening and the universe is giving me what I need and wanted I’m still not happy??? wtf??? mental illness 👈????#make it make sense……#sanchoyorambles#even just looking at my cute little wishlist of things I want to buy when I’m out of debt isnt helping….pls 🫠
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#inhales. i am so god damn unlikeable i get so fucking sad seeing everyone have their own circles of friends i want to die#i wish i wasn’t the worst person alive i wish i wasn’t so bitter and jealous but i can’t handle the loneliness honestly like being dead woul#hurt less. i feel outcast and like everyone is throwing me to the side on purpose. i feel like i’m living through a punishment#i deserve it if that’s the case... i’ve done enough wrong. that’s why i can’t be close#i have to remind myself my feelings don’t matter and me being lonely is just a monster of a person crying like he even deserves to#it’s sad lmao.#and i’m too mentally ill to ever have friends i know now. i’m too crazy and i never open up ever. what else do i expect#but it feels like anyone i know who is also mentally ill isn’t this fucking freak of nature like i am#i stick out and i leave a bad taste in everyone’s mouths and most of all. man i just. i can’t take it if this is what life is#i CANNOT bear this loneliness even slightly. i’m scared of myself. i want to stop my breathing#i still feel like i did when i was 16#trapped and receding into myself. i’ll never feel okay#how am i supposed to cope when i’m acutely aware everyone fucking hates me
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I miss praying but I literally can’t keep any thoughts in my brain for more than ten minutes this year :/
#grad school has taken up all my effort#starting a YouTube channel is taking up the remaining#after my cliff diving health has gotten rid of 90% of my energy and focus to begin with#it’s sad I’ll remember I want to pray when doing a thing then forget five minutes later as soon as I’m done#but I can’t pause and do it then or I’ll forget what I was doing#very excited to finally start the YouTube after four years of talking about it tho we’re gonna buy the pieces to#build my new computer tomorrow and then build it probs three days after#plus I got post Covid memory issues distinct from my preexisting brain fog and mental illness so like lmao fuck me
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It’s hard for me to believe as someone who is naturally anxious, but there are actually people out there who are just ridiculously emotionally resilient. This is not to say that the above doesn’t happen, because it absolutely does and please check on your friends. That said, there comes a point where if someone says they’re fine mentally, it’s not your job to pry further or try to look for what’s “wrong.”
If you know anyone who seems really chill to the point of being virtually indestructible, like nothing could ever bother them in any way, could get hit by a train and just shake it off and be totally fine, laughing it off as soon as they've dusted themselves off and stopped bleeding, but who occasionally just randomly falls apart to complete fucking smithereens with seemingly no cause nor warning, only to get back up again a few minutes/hours/days later like "ok yeah I'm fine again that was weird lmao", and you've ever wondered what the fuck is up with that:
They are actually not ok and most likely are not ok at any point. The whole "hardiest person you know who just collapses randomly sometimes" thing isn't a deliberately constructed façade, as a matter of fact it might be something that they actually personally believe themselves to be. But in reality this is somebody who's either unintentionally learned or has been deliberately trained to hide negative emotions and mask symptoms at all costs, as the #1 priority that goes over any other survival needs.
So even though it may look like they go from 1 to 100 completely at random and unpredictably, and then swing right back again to being totally fine, you have no way of knowing how long they've been at 95% before the last line of defense broke down and the system collapsed. And once they flip back up, odds are that they just managed to scrape their shit back together again just enough to get their backup masking systems running. The "check engine" light never turned on because the wire was clipped years ago.
If this is you, this is your callout to seek some sort of help. I'm telling on everyone in this room including myself.
#mental illness is a hot topic#took me a long time and frankly took me#life experience#to learn this#personally don’t think I’ll ever understand this type of emotional resilience#just not how my brain works#I never want to do what society has tried to do to me#and try to make someone’s mind work the way I ‘think’ it’s supposed to
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Fuck I fucking hate people
#I’m a fake hater actually#I quite like people#but also like#I genuinely want to kill myself#and I feel like I’m giving off those signs#and no one cares lmaoooo#no one actually fucking cares#which fair tbh#I think I’m ignoring some of my friends depressive signs because like what am I meant to do#I’ll tell you I love you n I’m here for you#but that’s all I can do really#would love someone to tell me they love me and they’re here for me#without me saying it first#I think I’m better than everyone else#and also the worst#mental illness core
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Been thinking about you hon, missed seeing you around. Glad to have you pop up in my feed again ❤️
#thank you so much for the kind message#idk how much I’ll be on right now tbh#I’m struggling a lot#I know I say that all the time#but it’s been bad like really really fucking bad lately#today has been especially bad because of my period and my emotions and hormones or whatever being all whack#might just be my period talking and how whack my brain is right now#but I’ve been seriously thinking about admitting (committing? idk the right word) myself to some sort of hospital#I don’t know where to go or look at…. I just want to go into some hospital and be like ‘hi I’m extremely mentally ill and I need help asap’#but I don’t think it works like that#I would talk to my parents about it but I already know what they’re going to say#99.99999% sure they’re going to say something like ‘well have you been praying?’#trust me i WISH praying would magically heal me but it doesn’t#anyway I was hanging out with a friend today and we watched a show and I barely even remember what it was about#the entire time I was thinking about how to get myself into inpatient or some sort of help#also freaking out that I’m almost 26 and then I’ll be off my parents insurance and feel like it’ll be 10x harder to do anything like that#I just don’t want to live like this anymore#everyone else is growing up and doing things with their lives and I’m just the same old depressed girl with nothing to show for my life#I’ve been surviving which is good don’t get me wrong#but when I die I don’t want to be like ‘wow what a good life I really survived well’ 👍#anyway thinking about texting my sister and asking her to help me but I don’t want to be a burden or anything#lol forgot I’m probably going to get criticized for bitching in the tags so I should shut up#anyway I’m very very very unhappy#and I’m going to go eat some cereal now ✌️#ask#anon
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my sister got engaged and we’re all really happy for her but my bitter rain cloud of a dad (who naturally she told last) is giving her a bit of passive aggressive grief about it despite her boyfriend being like the best man of our generation (presumably either because he’s not catholic or because my dad sees them as young dumb unemployed people who aren’t ready for marriage or because he’s mad he barely has any real love with his own wife or something). so like pray for us? i wish i knew what to do
#if my dad had any brain cells or observational skills whatsoever#he’d realize that in terms of our faith the problem is not the boyfriend. that guy is brilliant and open minded and would probably ace RCIA#the problem is my sister. who is catholic in name but it’s clear to me how hard she’s fallen away from the faith#but like my dad has created such a bitter home environment we never have meaningful conversations with him#so like he doesn’t know *anything* about our inner lives#all he sees is labels. all he judges people by is labels#literally you can still get married in the church to a non catholic it’s just a matter of expecting them to convert eventually#and promising to still live according to the principles of the church and raising your children as such#but my parents are absolute fools if they think that’s the issue. if my sister was true in her faith her bf would have converted already#i am sure of it. the guy is smart he just needs to be guided the right way#evidently my parents don’t realize that about him either#if my dad could become a decent parent for once and stop trying to drive his kids away from the faith by only cherrypicking the parts of it#that intersected with republican/conservative boomerisms#ugh. if he was a virtuous father she’d be a virtuous daughter and therefore all her friends and loved ones would be virtuous as well#should i blame my dad for all our family problems? no.. not rightfully……#but like. the impact a father has on one’s life cannot be understated#ugh i’ve had the sense for a while that God wants me to be the one to fix this family#because looking around it doesn’t look like anyone else is gonna do it#but that’s such a daunting task… especially alone… i don’t have any true friends (ie who share both my faith and life experiences)#and like. it’s really hard to try to assume the role of a teacher or counselor when someone is older than you#or uh. in a position of direct power over you for that matter. esp when clearly deeply mentally ill#the concept of trying to essentially parent my own parent while i myself am miserable and unstable#esp when he is the primary cause of that#just. ughhhhh it’s such a vicious circle#like i’ll do this if i have to i’ll undertake that daunting mission but i have to be so careful and really sort myself out first#or for that matter if i were to volunteer to like. catechize my sister’s boyfriend (heaven knows she couldn’t do it)#i’d have to really study my stuff bc i think the intellect is the only real appeal here#like i said tho his conversion can probably never really happen as long as my sister remains the way she is#what i know is that the first step is fixing myself. i have to be a pillar of virtue if i wanna stand as any sort of authority on the faith#problem is i suck and shouldn’t be regarded as a role model for anything. i have the knowledge down but that alone won’t fix me
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