#it wont but hopes all i got rn
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oh my god it is actually so bad today
#my chest hurts help gelp me dear god#the tiktoks are NOT helping what#imma try to draw for a bit maybe it will help i dont know#if it doesnt ill try to go to sleep on this bed that im too scared to fully sit on bc of the previous post#if that doesnt work i guesss ill just die i dont fuckin know#god i just dont want to do this shit anymore#im tired of wanting to cry but being physically unable to#its almost time to take my meds though maybe that will help#it wont but hopes all i got rn#god i hope it helps my head hurts now#and i have FUCKING SCHOOL TOMMORROW#AND TYPING ON THIS SMALL ASS PHONE KEYBOARD IS PISSING ME OFF NGL#i wanna break something so bad ughhghhg#personal post im sorry it wont happen agian#i prolly sound so cringy rn#vent tw
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do you write fic on ao3?
unfortunately for everyone involved i do!
#ask#and if youre wondering about my handle i write on anon so its doesnt particularly matter (shrugs)#and also i think its pretty easy to figure out which fics ive written because i want to makeout mad sloppy style with an em dash#anyways (waves offhandely) it doesnt really matter much because i have like posted an ss on here before so you know#its not like im trying to hide it like eh#but also because of my disposition that would put a tranced rabbit to shame i dont exactly yell it from the hilltops either#the moral of the story is if you ask me what im working on ill yap about it maybe like post an excerpt#and months later youll find something posted on anon and youll be like oh! so they finally posted it!#so to spare you all (lies on my tummy like we're at a sleepover and giggles) you wanna hear what im working on#haha of course you do youre a prisoner in my yap box#and i want an excuse to talk about it hidden in the tags so people skim over it and not read it <3#SO the earliest wip is from like early october about a magical realism au because i rewatched lwa as i usually do and well theres this one#ep about a magical animal if you will... and you can kinda guess what it is from that lol its sashaforsyekky#because the dreaded @/tungpin infected me with the brainworms about this trio specifically#and it really is ekky going 🥺 at whatever sashaforsy have (persumably) got going on woe is him its at 5k rn but uh ive stalled progress#because puppyekky has consumed my every thought which leads me to my second wip that ive been labouring over since the start of october#that also just broke 5k and not even remotely done lol whoops but its puppy ekky in a team environment with a heavy emphasis on the euros#rn there are scenes scrabbled out with sasha (multiple) mikksy luosty lundy and forsy. i know i have an idea for bobby.#and really lets see where the muse takes us i have vague ideas that are mmmhmm but we'll see when we get there!#the third one isnt the most likely to get finished but uh it is sashamaffhew global series stuff because it stemmed from#“it really is funny that sasha is treating the finland trip like he knocked up a girl#and is trying to make her meet his parents so it doesnt feel like a shotgun wedding when he you know marries her to take responsibility“#and i just think a maffhew pov with that thought in mind because of the whole touchy at e11even thing is funny to me like think mundane#slice of life oh i feel like im being wined and dined i hope i dont fuck it up jfc i think im fucking it up oh god this feels romantic#anyways it feels remotely ooc to me and it really was more of like a writing break from the wips stated above so (shrugs)#might not see the light of day but its 2k as of now so i do feel its a shame if i dont /try/ to finish it you know? its just low priority#anyways thats my writing check in and i am a prisoner to my own mind i will go insane haha these wont be published anytime soon#because i am slow and get distracted soooo easily so you know <3
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life update!
that's it. thank you all for reading
#i am not good at making jokes#tay parla#random ramble/vent (actual life update) after this tag#anyway all good i am just. not good#but it will pass#i am tired of it . sure. but it will pass#i am sorry for being random and maybe shit cause of the weeks w/o a word#i have been feeling a lot of stuff#though tomorrow there is a thing that happens#and i am hoping with all myself it can “fix” me#even if i know it wont#i hope with all myself that it will be better cause no matter what i do everything is wrong and everything makes me spiral#i should stop talking ;) i love all of you a lot#and i miss you all way more than i can express#i hope it will get better#ci tenevo a scusarmi#perché sì#quindi ye che roba#see ya#time to bury this post w shitposts <- joke. i got v little to post rn lol
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Applying to an apartment with little income and terrible credit score, in hopes that they'll be desperate enough to take me
#im not even getting my hopes up for this one folks#but this same company rook me when i had no rental history so maybe?#unlikely for the aforementioned piss poor income and credit score#im just praying they remember me feom when i used to rent from them and liked me enough then to take me again#the bathroom is not in the apartment btw#that's the wildest thing. like its a basic studio with a kitchen closet and main area#but you have to go across the hall. to the private bathroom#im hoping they realize that thats wild and give me the apartment#i neeeeed to leave my parents house. and i really miss that city the apartment is in#i wish there was a little essay section where i could tell the landlord how much i like the city#and that ill get a better job once i live there and my parents are going to pay my first month and security deposit#that would be nice#i applied knowing that i won't get it but also knowing that i cant get it if i dont try#mostly i just miss that city#there was a really nice coffee shop within walking distance of my apartment#(the apartment i applied to is next door to the building i used to live in so same area which is great)#but i didnt have wifi so i would go there a lot to do work. it was so cozy in the winter especially#and i went on a lot of walks. so i wiuld swing by there and grab a drink to sip on my walk#and it was literally within sight of a great lake. a literal great lakw of Michigan lol#i loved walking along the lake on a nice day. or a windy day and just watch the waves crash#and my favorite band is feom that city so i got to see so many of their performances. and theyre a small band so the most i ever paid#was $50 and that was for the vip package. i saw them for $10 once. and free once. and $50 for the vip#its a big art and music city and i love it so much. i miss it so fucking much and i regret leaving#but at least it made me realize that no other city is for me. that city is my home#oh and it was literally right next to a bug beautiful library that i loved to wander. i still have my library card from there#mostly used it to print stuff and you have to pay at the box next to the printer. and one time i forgot to pay. i still feel bad about that#but i dont want to reminisce too much cuz i know i wont get it#im trying to pay off my credit cards to bring up my credit score but its slow going#its much nearer my gf and all my friends so i would love to live near them. rn im hours away from about everyone i love#i ran out of tags. maybe pray for me if you pray? or just hope for me. i dont want to let myself want this but its there
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good news for all my haters: im not coming back. not properly. i think social media and being around ppl in general is destroying me so im gonna just focus my energy on other stuff
ill probably still be a little bit active occassionally but for now i think il just stick to posting art etc. im moving to sheezy.art (which is down for maintenance rn but opens for registration again on fridays!) bc the energy there is much nicer for me.. but ill still post on here and insta. im also gonna be working on building my own website again!! so bookmark it and maybe some day itll have cool stuff on it.... :]
#idk ill see how this goes but ive been like lurking here for a couple days and every time without fail it makes me feel shitty#may not be a permanent thing but i have a couple safeguards in place now to stop me from getting sooooo bad. i think#i deleted all the apps off my phone. which has helped a lot esp deleting insta for reels#and i actually made another blog for like if i ever go Cazy again. for like vents and stuff . altho if im not on social media at all it#shldnt be a prblem#i wont share that but u can ask for it if u want. tho unlikely ill post for a while idk#for the record my neocities has like nothing on it rn. its essentially a series of tests from when i started last yr#and got nowhere lollll.. but im hoping to have a lot of fun with it soon#lol this whole thing is a little stupid. and i feel bad but just know its all my own fault. my own issues etc#its happened b4 itll happen time and time again i think. so im just gonna part ways w it#from now on if im gonna overshare it has to be in a lengthy edited well written blog post !!!!!!!!!!!#oke. bye#i do actually have smth to post later on my rnm blog but whatevaaa#oh ill start up my queues again too
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hello!! i haven’t interacted with your blog much but i just rolled in from the last tigh//nari post you wrote (so good!) and saw you might be looking for requests? i’m still really nervous asking and not sure what i’m doing so no offense taken if you disregard!
anyway, i’d love to read some cy/no content? if you’re along w any ships (cynari, haino, etc) that’s totally cool. maybe like a [plant/flower] allergy situation when he visits the forest?
hope you’re well and thanks for sharing content <3
Thank you so much for the req!! I'm sorry for the wait, I really hope you enjoy!
reqs are open
Pairing: cynari
Words: 1044
CW/TW: sneezing content, mention of mess
Cyno had not anticipated anything special out of this trip to the forest. He was going only to see Tighnari- who had excitedly informed him of a new discovery made deep into the forest watcher’s patrolling area. The look on his friend’s face, combined with the eager swishing of his tail behind him, was more than enough convincing to get the mahamntra to venture into the greenery.
It’s quiet as he pads along the roughly and hastily made trail, leaving him with his own thoughts- excitement to see tighnari again, listen to him ramble on about whatever he had found, a slight apprehension at the possibility of this being dangerous- not that either of them could not hold their own, but tighnari was often so eager to research that he did not stop to think about any possible consequences to himself, and he hated seeing him in pain. Muddled in with these feelings, a slight but sudden itch in the back of his nose. He presses a knuckle against the side of it absentmindedly, just as a pair of ears perking up quickly catches his attention.
“You made it!” Tighnari calls out to him, tredging through ankle-deep tangles of weeds to meet him. There’s a smudge of dirt on his cheek, and a tangle in his usual well-kept tail. As Cyno nods his greeting, he cannot help but wonder how long he’s been out here. The other seems to be aware of it, occasionally flicking the appendage about in absent-minded frustration.
Tighnari leads him further into the forest, happily rambling on about the things they pass by and what his research has granted so far. Cyno can’t get himself to focus, the itch in his sinus suddenly alight, forcing his breath to hitch just once before calming again. He can almost feel Tighnari’s concerned frown, but he decides to keep quiet about it for now, to Cyno’s gratitude.
Suddenly, he’s stopped. Tighnari moves to the side, looking at Cyno with pride clear in his eyes. He’s meet with the sight of a large, blooming flower, encased in golden vines that seem almost-conscious, twitching at any movement around them. “I haven’t been able to touch it yet, and my elemental attacks have no effect. That’s why I brought you out here, I was hoping maybe electrical- Cyno?” His ramblings cease as he catches sight of him, hands cupped loosely in front of his face, usually serious expression crumpled into one of desperation as he fights off the need uselessly, breath stuttering until he can no longer fight it.
‘hEh-itSH! ‘tShi! hiH-” The third one is lost, leaving him sniffling, trying to rub the irritation out of his sinuses. “Archons, bless you! Are you feeling alright?” Cyno sniffles uselessly again, trying to will some of the congestion out of his voice before he speaks.
“I’m fine. You can romaine calm.” Tighnari groans in response. “You must be, if you’ve got the energy to make jokes. Anyways, can you try to hit ones of the vines with your elemental attack? Be gentle, please, and don’t damage the plant itself.” Cyno nods, saluting in a ‘yes sir’ gesture, as he prepares to follow instructions. He presses the back of his hand to his nose, scrunching up the appendage as he aims carefully. But he was unable to fight against his body and control it at once, sent foreward with another flurry of sneezes the moment he releases the energy, causing it to be sent foreward towards the flower. It’s reaction was instant, sending out a shower of pollen before curling into a ball, vines wound around it tightly. Cyno faintly hears a noise of frustration come from Tighnari, but he can’t focus, paralyzed with the awful tickle that came as the pollen surrounded him. He was in the direct line of fire, and he felt it, nostrils feeling alight as his eyes watered, he couldn’t even fight it, thrown into a desperate fit.
“haH’TSCHhi- KSHhiew! hih- hidT’SHHih! ‘idtSHhiew- sCHih!” They tore at his throat, raw and painful as his body tried desperately to release all of the pollen. He felt almost embarrassed, unable to do anything as Tighnari watched helplessly. “tignarihHh-tSHhi!” Even just his name seemed to break his stupor, the fox-tailed man rushing over and grabbing Cyno’s arm, bringing him somewhere- he could not even keep his eyes open long enough to tell, the lower half of his face buried in an arm he threw up to avoid spraying the other. He felt himself be gently led into a sitting position, half aware of the sun now beaming down on them.
His breath caught, leaving him helpless into a rough fit of coughing that didn’t seem to let him. He felt Tighnari’s hand on his back, rubbing comforting circles as he whispered encouraging phrases until the coughing finally let up. He leaned back against Tighnari, unable to resist the need to catch his breath. His face was wet with tears, nose running onto his upper lip. He roughly cleaned it up with the back of his wrist.
“There you go, you’re okay. Any trouble breathing?” Came the soft voice next to Cyno, reminding him suddenly of his blunder. Tighnari had been so eager to research, and he had messed it up. Guilt shot through him. “Sorry, ‘nari.” He pawed at his nose again while he spoke.
“It’s alright. I can bring somebody else another day.” Tighnari soothed, hands beginning to card through the others' hair. “Right now, we need to get you cleaned up. The pollen on your clothes won’t do you any good.” he stood quickly, reaching out a hand to Cyno, but he was distracted with the need to sneeze once again, raising a shaky hand in warning.
“hIh’tSChih!i��tsCHuh!” He sniffled once more as Tighnari waited patiently, before taking the hand offered to him, letting himself be pulled onto his feet.
“Hey, ‘Nari?” The forest watcher turned back to face him, “What is it?” “I’m very frond of you.” Tighnari huffed, turning back around and beginning to stalk off, stopping only a few paces in front of him. “I love you, too, Cyno.” Mahamatra grinned, catching up to his partner as they began the trek home, punctuated with the occasional sneezes.
#snz stuff#sneeze kink#sneeze#sneeze fic#ali talks#snz#sneeze stuff#gen/shin#im so sorry for what is probably violent mischaracterization!! i only had what very little ive done of the sumeru quests to do#go off of#but this was really fun to do!! i feel like the way i write snz's gets repetitive so i tried very hard to aviod that#i hope the spelling isnt wonky though 😭#forgive any errors i tried my best to proofread but ive got too much caffiene in my system rn#<- did this to myself b/c i forget to eat#anyways#reqs are still open so feel free to shoot anything else my way! hope you all enjoy#going to jump over to desktop in a minute to put a readmore on here do not fret#ali?? actually posting a fic as planned?? not only that but the fic that he had planned???? unheard of#it probably wont happen again#queing this until the evening because i feel like snzblr is a lot more active then#if anybody thinks differently lmk! I like to try to aviod my stuff getting buried lol
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#its crazy how much easier it is to do things when youre not completely miserable lol#this past week has been weird bc ive felt really really good and like normal in a way thats kinds unfathomable#im hoping its the medication but my mood was already on an upward tilt and i was told it would take like 6 weeks for the meds to work#property but like ive been sleeping way more than usual. and by that i literally just mean 8hrs a night lol which is weird for me#like that never ever ever happens multiple days in a row. so idk. when i feel better it makes the 0cd way easier to manage as well#and im just generally not as anxious. on the more worrisome side i kinda just give less of a fuck so like i have an exam im not ready for#Tuesday and im just kinda like hm fuck that lol. ill go thru lil fluctuations of having a lot of energy too#like: i could run around in circles rn. i dont have to but i could. like yesterday i was out with friends and i was like bouncing up and#down while standing and rocking from side to side while sitting. which i kinda do anyway while in crowds but it was more to expend energy#last night i also got like 5hrs of sleep. so like maaaaybe ive been on the bleeding edge of mood elevation but for the most part it just#feels good and not destructive. like if i felt like this all the time that would b fantastic. its like oh so this is y ppl dont long to b#put out of their misery lol. depression? who? i dont kno her. sounds fake. but as soon as i fucking say that ill b fucking slapped back#down to earth. ugh. annoying. no emotional object permanence. i hope its the meds. if this is the person i am under layers of misery then#that is fucking so insane. we shall see. im curious to hear what the psychiatrist thinks of my brain when i follow up with her#i gave her my full dys1exia assessment which gives a pretty good picture of how my head functions. oh fuck i bet i would do waaaayyy better#on thise test if i took it in this state of mind. but anyway she has that on top of like 3 assessment sheets i filled out#dispite everything i still want someone to categorize me into a discreet box. tell me doc. am i really bip0lar? really really?#ur sure??? like 1000% sure bc my brain wont let me accept that unless its beyond a reasonable doubt. i just doesn't seem that serious.#i mean. it is but like ya kno. its not that bad. ay. this glob of mush behind my eyes runs me in circles#but for now thats ok bc i feel like i could run up a mountain or punch someone in the face lol#unrelated
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imagine if my art appeared in the tag
#idgi like what is it abt this post that wont show up in tags#my fucking ask game posts are searchable#but not my art ok#kms kms kms kms#not like it would make much of a difference#whatever ._. stranded on a backup blog posting art for a dead fandom on a site where small art doesn't get much interaction anyways#if i was a dog i'd be doing a lonely little howl rn#hope insym streams mort ass again :'(#if no one got me ik insym got me#he's my favorite parasocial relationship#like no guys we're friends u dont get it he's autistic abt the same thing i am and is similarly pedantic and annoying about it#T_T#fuck my LIFE bro god has never made a more pathetic creature#i can post a selfie and instantly have strange men following and commenting and doing all sorts of weird stuff#but post something i care about with my whole heart and it instantly gets scrubbed for no reason idgi it feels personal#ik it's not but im sads#passing myself the rayumi cuddles one sec
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Man oni can't do this to me I'm supposed to be preparing for artfight but all I can think abt is Them™ from the second I wake up to the moment I go to bed how am I supposed to prepare in these circumstances 😔
#rat rambles#oni posting#and dude the beta is probably still going to be going during that time klei how could you do this to me#like I will still be participating in artfight but I fear Ill be on oni lockdown for the first week or smth dhskdhkdh#Ill try to at least sketch some stuff out but god if I can get my hands onto any amount of lore its so jover#now thats not a guarantee this is a beta after all but god man. fuck.#also I need to know the new dupes name right now its important#mostly because I want confirmation that I got z on the cypher right lol#chances are theyll just have another a name or smth#who knows maybe theyll have a w name and be the second ever contender for being sent to the constant#although for all we know there could be plenty more w names in the cast that are just hidden in the full names like with nails#I am in such agony rn with seemingly every place ppl post abt oni being dead silent still hello is anyone there#I thought Id at least see some more speculative stuff on the gameplay side of things but Ive seen like 2 things where ppl even bring it up#tbf some of the new stuff seems pretty obvious to deduce to me like there's no way the new fox deers dont produce lumber#and we already know the bunny guys (or the big one at least) provides reed fiber at least#the plants are mostly more mysterious tho#we have the obvious one being our new bestie the oxylite plant and the lil puffball tree thats probably the new decor plant#and the crystal grapes are probably going to be a new muckroot equivalent and at least one of the new plants probably produces smth edible#as for what recourses they need we know that at least 2 of them need watered in some way#Im currently betting theyll need ethanol but thats not based on a lot#honestly if any of them use plain ol water or even any water variants Ill be surprised#I wouldn't be surprised if most of them take ethanol or some liquid gas or smth#I still am holding out on a plant that consumed liquid carbon dioxide but Im not too hopeful#one thing Im very curious on is just everything abt how the oxylite plant grows I wanna know how good itll be so bad#because I am a proud member of the desperately wants more viable oxygen production option in oni gang and I wanna see this baby flourish#but based on how seemingly abundant it is Im afraid itll just join the squad of early game oxygen options that become too much of a hassle#to sustain late game so you're usually just going to switch to exlectroliszers each time#I hope Im wrong but I wont be surprised if Im not#they already took one oxygen plant out back and shot it dead so this guy might just be a corpse on arival if we're unlucky#well hey thats why there's a beta ig gotta make sure things are balanced or whatever
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dad wont let me be excited about my new wounds which he attributes to the horrors >:(
#man wont let me be happy.#at least. i think he attributes it to the horrors. yeah im pretty sure#BUT ITS NOT.#genuinely all the wounds i have these days are accidental.#sure. im more prone to wounds but thats just because i have a restless and wreckless soul.#and i am admittedly also. not normal about wounds.#but that is LITERALLY not any different than from before the horrors started. so >:P#sillyposting#anyway *twirls hair* lemme talk about my wound >:3#okay so first one today was while prepping condiments. weve gotta put them in tiny tubs for the guests#and somehow. the pumping hold-onto-thingy. caught the hand-part of the thumb.#which was really annoying bc this was at the START of my shift and bandaids refused to stick (bc high movement)#anyway that one is pretty cool but not. serious.#neither is the next one but =w=b#ANYWAY the next one....#idk i was putting away a glass to be cleaned and. it exploded a little. whoops. no clue how.#but it nagged a part of my finger pretty hard.#so. ofc. blood. whatever. gotta go wash it off!!#i go. wash it off. and then i let the water stream from the same direction i was cut from. and i YELLED.#the water revealed part of the wound that was still concealed from me. namely. the part under the skinflap the glass had created.#so i got direct water into a relatively deep and fresh wound. yayy#we have someone thats in college for like. nursery or summ so she helped me put a bandaid on =w=b how nice.#so!! back to work i go!! absolutely not minding my finger and just going about. but then..... i look down again.#and blood is pearling trough the bandaid. trought the multiple layered bandaid.#back to nurse girl we go. o7#new bandaid and some gauge this time. ok =w=b#anyway yeah not much else but this is pretty awesome rn if i do say so myslef.#i hope it scars but :/ since its in high movement....#idk#=w=b
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Got into a screaming match with my roommate so now might get kicked out. She's upset that we told the post office who lives here cause my husband wasn't receiving any mail and the only solution was to tell them who actually lives here. But she says we should've talked to her first cause it's HER house. She thinks the landlord is going to find out we aren't on the lease and kick us out or raise the rent. And like what the fuck else was I supposed to do? Just not receive my fucking mail?
#i fucking hate her#we didnt receive IRS documents!#do you know how fucking important that is?!#it literally got my application rejected cause i didnt know they requested info!#weve been having mail problems for months!!#you knew we were going to the post office today too like wtf#if i get kicked out idk where to go#my parents dont have a room for us anymore cause my dads hospital bed is now in my old room#im looking for apartments rn but i cant afford anything as im the only one working#idc if me leaving screws her over she fucking deserves it#shes selfish and doesnt care about anyone at all but how it benefits her#i have so many complaints about her that it wont fit here shes just horrible i hope she never finds peace#im going to cut all contact with her as much as possible and i hope to fucking stop her from being with my family anymore#she used to be family but not anymore i hope she leaves us all alone forever shes burnt all her bridges
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Obligatory 9am work rant
#manager is not here rn which is great but someone said he might come in at 11 which is bad#the assistant manager is usually the one who comes in later which would also be bad but not as bad#i saw that a new baker was hired at the same store the only other baker works at so thats good#at least she wont be alone when i leave#my ingredients?????? STILL not here?????????#i got molasses last week but i need rye flour!!!!!! what the heck!!!!! i cant make cokies!!!!!!!!#i can make cakes so ig its .... ok..... enough. ...... what the heck#had a lil note left on my table with things to do from the manager which is pretty normal#said do this. make cakes. do that. remember to greet every customer you can do it :)#lol bro. god#it really annoys me that they keep saying EVERY CUSTOMER bc im honestly trying to a few a day#better than nothing and better on my anxiety#and i think that's kinda??? obvious???? like if they really cared about 'helping me manage my anxiety' it makes sense to start slow#but every time its. each customer every customer every person. i say its hard they say uwu you can do it#hello???????#well. im gonna think and pray about it all day and probably quit tomorrow lol#let's hope no one comes in at 11 that would be bad 😭 can i have some peace#she was a baker girl
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having a new keyboard and mouse is so nice and i forgot how big things are on my monitor
#sophie’s idle chatter#im at home rn for the weekend and going back to the uni dorms tmrw and honestly with all the stuff i got + exchanging my summer clothes#for my winter clothes its like im moving in for the first time#alongside my pc & monitor & equipment + all the food my mum packed for me to take back up since i wont see my parents until christmas break#like 3-4 bags and another suitcase.... crying#anyway mum and dad i love u and i hope u will be well and healthy while im away 🫶
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okay but how do you ask for help when your childhood makes you feel guilty for needing help and the help that you need feels rude to ask for
#im really struggling to function rn and i finally accepted that i wont make it to my appt without help#so i posted on my snap story asking if anyone could come over for a few hours to help me get back on track#n. two people replied saying they cant but hope i find someone but no one else has replied at all#i knew the answer would probably be no bc no one has time to come all the way here to help me to do tasks i should be able to do alone#but idk i thought i might get some comfort or encouragement or something. just some acknowledgement#i wish i had a group chat or something where i could reach out to people. bc things like snap stories people are just flicking past#i NEED to change the kitty litter today i have no choice its unusable and needs changing but i just. how. i am so tired#i have a ridiculous amount of glasses n crockery specifically for when i struggle like this n yet im still almost completely out of them#bc i just. cant do the dishes. i dont even have to wash them they just need to go in the dishwasher n i Cant#my brain just completely shut down once i got back from the trip#especially bc i got a cold n i dont cope well being sick at all#but of course thats another reason i feel bad asking for help. bc my house is full of germs. n i dont want people to get sick bc of me#but i am running out of food and clean dishes and bench space and i just. cant do it alone rn#but i used up my asking capabilities posting on snap#posting on insta would prob get more people to see it but insta feels. much more public#i dont use my insta stories like ever so it feels like a Lot to post on it for this#n when i asked for support after my parents divorce i only got a couple responses anyway#n this is. not worth support. like its a problem of my own making? i went on the trip knowing it would be a Lot for me#i wasnt planning on getting sick And getting an infection which are both exhausting me a lot but thats not the point#idk im just beating myself up over here. idk how to ask for help esp bc i expect the answer to be no anyway#like who is gonna travel an hour+ to help their friend clean their kitchen and fill out paperwork. im 28 i should be able to do that stuff#these tags are getting very maudlin and mean to myself. sigh. i wish i didnt feel so guilty when i need help#i wish i felt like i was allowed to ask for and accept help#love that childhood and autistic trauma haha lmao#anyway. brains are annoying. and im struggling a lot.
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everyone wish me luck on the test tomorrow im going to give it 110%
#im like. so not in a good mood rn suddenly partly bc i got way to mad at something but anyway#i say i'll give it all i got but like. written tests dont phase me its really just do i know things or not#its the lowest level so like heres to hoping lmao#rather than nervous im like. excited i think. i have fun with this so it definitely wont be bad to take#maybe i'll put one of the aru sekai chara keychains on my phone for extra moral support.#i already have silvana on it why not also add blorbos from my songs
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#thinking about a lot of stuff rn but mostly how I'm well aware a lot of people in my life don't actually like me being around#and i don't know why i don't know what's wrong with me that makes this the case#i got a couple people who i think do actually care about me and enjoy my presence and enjoy being my friend#but theres so many more that id convonced myself were my friends and i can tell theyre all tired of me but dont wanna be the first to say it#and i dont understand i dont understand i dont unterstand i dont understandit at all#for a minute there id convinced myself it was some mental illness shit and that i had a handle on why this was the case and i could work#theough that i could deal wih that but its gotta be something else its gotta be somethinga actually legitimately wrong with me and i dont#know what it is. i just wish i knew what it was i just wanna know why#i dont want folks to pity me or pretend they wanna be my friends cos they think other folks want me around i cant tell that youre being fake#i dont wanna be making folks feel like they have to put up with me#what did i do? what am i doing? why?#i feel like im a kid again and everyone hates me and i cant figure out whay im doing wrongi dont know why im not able to just be a person#i hope this will pass by morning#i have to hope that even if i know it wont
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