#it makes me really upset honestly. like i can deal with the bad communication and stupid expectations of me

[supercantaloupe]

finally got our damn concert program (we leave in less than two days lol.) i'm listed as a soloist on gabriel's oboe which is nice (and as it should be.) but not on the schindler's list

[jungwnies]

✰ syn ’ safe for work a-z boyfriend for park sunghoon ✰ pairing ’ boyfriend!sunghoon x gn!reader

requested!

a ⋆ affection - how affectionate are they?

he’s not the most affectionate

especially in the beginning he is not the one to initiate it

he’s a very awkward person as we all know so don’t expect him to cling onto you start day one

once he’s warmed up to you though he doesn’t get clingy

but he gets very comfortable being physical with you

he’s better with his words than he is expressing his affection through actions

but he’s still cute so it’s okay

b ⋆ bonding - how often do they bond with you?

all the time

it’s the little things he does

like i said he’s awkward so he never really knows what to do

but he always makes time for you

sometimes you don’t realize what he’s doing is for you but it’s okay because he likes it that way

he’s secretly bonding with you all the time tbh

c ⋆ communication - do they keep in touch with you when they're away?

yes

he texts you a lot actually

his confidence sky rockets on text tbh

tries lame pickup lines on you when he’s on tour

takes pictures of everything just to show you

d ⋆ dates - how often do they set up a date for you two?

not often

he’s not a homebody but his dates are super spontaneous

so don’t expect them to be well organized because well

they’re not

but he does things for you often

it just doesn’t need to be classified as a date

e ⋆ essential - what is the thing that is important to them?

the relationships he builds with people are extremely important

he really values the people around him

he just has a hard time expressing his gratitude

f ⋆ friends - how did the friendship start?

i feel like he saw you around

inside of a store or something

he thought you were cute but he was too scared to flirt so he probably got someone to get your number for him

honestly he probably asked staff to get it

g ⋆ gross - what is the thing he hates in your relationship?

he hates when you lie

boy he hates liars so much

even though he lies sometimes and he’s a little devious

when it comes to lies about the relationship or lies that can ruin the relationship

it just makes him mad

he has no secrets with you

so hopefully you have none with him either

h ⋆ hugs - do they like hugs? how do they feel?

they’re awkward but safe

in the beginning it was definitely more awkward

he didn’t know where to hug you

how to hug you

how to make you comfortable

but when the relationship started to settle

it felt safe around him

he held you like he’d never let go

pause cus this is reawakening my sunghoon bias-ness in me

i ⋆ intercourse - how are they during intercourse?

oh oh oh

same with his hugs

they’re awkward

but why is he low key goood

like

he knows what he’s doing

he’s hitting on the right spots

touching all the right spots

he knows the anatomy of your body really well

j ⋆ jealousy - how jealous do they get?

oh ‘em geee

he is so jealous

but not toxic

but low key toxic

k ⋆ kiss - how good are they at kissing?

he’s great

he knows what he’s doing

they’re always so soft and delicate

but so passionate at the same time

loves being the one to deepen the kiss ugh

l ⋆ love - how do they show their love to you?

just little things

he doesn’t like making a big deal out of things

but he does small things for you that make a big deal in your life

he will remember everything you like tbh

m ⋆ mad - how often do you argue?

not often

but when you guys do argue

communication is soooo bad

n ⋆ naughty - how do they deal with you annoying them?

sunghoon ignores it

or tells you to stop

hes not into the annoying things

he has a short temper when it comes to things that bother him

o ⋆ open - how often do they open up to you?

honestly

i don't personally see him as an open person

he dozes off a lot and his problems don't really ever leave his mind

it took him awhile to be honest for him to be completely comfortable with you

but when he's at that stage he's super open

usually when he's upset he'll tell you, but his prefers to sulk

p ⋆ pet names - how are they with pet names?

babe

baby

and jagi

and sweetheart

sometimes prince(ss)

in the beginning it was just your name though >.>

q ⋆ quiet - silent treatment?

he doesn't give to you often to be honest

but usually he will when you guys get into an argument

sunghoon sulks a lot okay leave HIM ALONE

he has a hard time communicating how he feels :c

r ⋆ ramble - how often do they talk about you to others?

oh he is a BRAGGER

he loves talking about you

and how good you treat him

he's always like "hmp, you wish you had a bae like me."

LIKE ?!?!?!?

s ⋆ soft - how soft are they to you?

sunghoon is not soft with you

but when you smile

it melts him to be honest

he becomes liquid

and vice versa

i mean, have you seen his smile??? it's precious 😪

t ⋆ think - what reminds them of you?

clothes

every time he goes shopping

he thinks of you

and what he can bring you

he loves dressing you up

he's like a mini fashionista when it comes to you

it's so cute

his whole face lights up when he sees you wearing something you bought for him

u ⋆ unhappy - what makes them break if you break up with them?

i think the fact he got so comfortable with you

and now it's over

he doesn't know if he'd be able to open up like that ever again tbh

he doesn't have his favorite shoulder to lean on anymore

whose arms is he going to cry in when he's overwhelmed

literally the scent of your perfume/cologne lingers and sends him into tears

literally cannot forget you

v ⋆ vacation - how are they with long distance relationships?

he is so bad with this

his communication skills are already so bad

he doesn't leave you on read or anything like that

but when he's super busy he kinda forgets to text

he doesn't even see the message

but he's quick to apologize and make it up to you

w ⋆ wholesome - the sweetest thing they ever did to you?

when he realizes he hasn't been as good as a boyfriend

he will always find a way to make it up

and it's ALWAYS he sweetest things ever

it's those little things that are like "i can't believe you remembered this"

and he's just like "well of course i did, i love you." 😭😭😭

x ⋆ extra headcanon

the first time this boy said he loved you

he was a mess

he was so nervous oh em geee

he fiddled with his fingers and was so nervous

and when you said it first????

he basically melted in his chair

he literally disintegrated into thin air

y ⋆ young and beautiful - (how long does it last?)

i feel like in the beginning his relationships are short lived

he's not a long term kind of guy

but he actually feels that bond with you

well, you're stuck with him

for literally ever

z ⋆ zzz - how do they sleep with you?

he's very much loose spoon

he likes to big spoon but very loosely when it's night time

he doesn't like people all up in his sleep space

but for you he make the exception!!

he snores though not gonna lie

not loud

but sometimes

it can keep you up at night 😗

2022 © jungwnies thanks for reading! reblogs & likes are appreciated!

[profounddefendorcrusade-blog]

I feel bad for Starlo. (pt. 9)

Star's the Papyrus (both are idealistic & seen as naive) of this game (Martlet is another possible parallel), even though he's got similarities with Undyne too. No matter how broken Ceroba seemed he asked himself WHY she did what she did and I think that's SUPER important.

Ceroba didn't do this. Her first instinct was to be harsh (after being harsh with him even BEFORE he attacked Clover):

called his personality "damaged" before this scene

... you never asked yourself WHY he did the whole sheriff act.

.... you never asked WHY he didn't want to grow up. If it was a coping mechanism, if he wanted to help his community in a way he couldn't as a farmer? It was never on her mind.

Yes he has baggage but he's dealing with it all while uplifting others, Ceroba has baggage but is well taken care of by Star and at least has him, he has no one but himself and his optimism to pull him out of negative feelings, and still gets insulted.

Yeah Ceroba's been through stuff but apparently it's been some time since Chujin passed and Kanako fell down, she should have at least started to support Star emotionally like he's been supporting her (sure, he did so with distractions, but as he said "aren't distractions what's best for all of that?" He did his best). Problem is she DIDN'T realise he was ever struggling with self worth and only assumed he was goofing off. Either that or she did nothing about it aka was too occupied with her own problems (which are valid but still... she should have tried at least a little) Cer's character flaw is being too stubborn and devoted to Chujin. She trusted him blindly and wholeheartedly. Everything else came in 2nd place. This is clear as day.

It hurts knowing Ceroba could never respect Starlo the way she still does her husband. Not saying she shouldn't admire Chujin, but the way she sees Star as a goofy manchild whose lifelong passion can go "too far," the way she sees all this Wild East stuff as him "just having fun," the way she thinks that only someone whose brain isn't developed would ever consider dating him just... ticks me off, tbh. That's why I think the guy needs someone who will be gentle and patient with him, even if that other person is going through tough times.

She DID call Starlo the best sheriff she's ever known (honestly the only sweet moment between them in pacifist, but it is very brief, especially in neutral where he just gets cut off; also I hope she was being genuine here) and said how everyone adored him (but hated his persona, which I've already covered: basically they either hated 'North Star' as a whole, which I hope isn't true, or just how excited he was to meet Clover, which makes no sense to me; already covered it as well)

Bonus: Dina didn't know who Star really was or what he looked like, not before the end credits rolled (when he shows up as himself & she's also seen there; makes sense that he finally came clean to her):

So he's literally been playing this role 24/7, ever since she became the bartender; ever since this town started to exist. It's impressive how he could keep up an act AND use this fake accent for so long

Bonus #2: Star was SUPER worried about Clover's safety; that's what REALLY upset him (he cares about that child sm). THAT's what drove him off the edge (unless he naturally has a temper, i don't think this is it tho). Either way, he was way more patient w Ceroba than I think most would have been in that situation. Sure he snapped a few times, but there was a good reason to. He still TRIED to reason with her. Why did he attack? Worried for Martlet & Clover. I honestly think Star's the type to only get super angry if someone he loves is in danger (minus the stuff that happened which led him to cracking)

[majimasleftasscheek]

Have you played Yakuza 6 yet? If so ya got any kazumaji head canons based off the events of the game?

I absolutely love your ideas for them and I am beyond upset that Majima was barley in the game. Or even mentioned that much.

They did the boi dirty in this game, I swear.

*clenches my ass hard enough to shit diamonds*

oh I have OPINIONS about 6 I'll tell you that but it is good fodder for the kazumaji agenda 👀 I'mma be kinda rambly in this but I promise it all ties together kdjfjkldfkldf

so we all know Kiryu goes off to find Haruka and because I'm a big fan of dadjima, I can only imagine Kiryu lets him know while he's stuck in jail and Majima's just like WHAT

so Kiryu does a lot of self reflection but acting upon it is another matter. I can see Majima chastising him, saying she ran away cuz that's all Kiryu ever does (part of him is still pissy about him leaving in y3) and she's never had a healthy role model other than the king of hypocrisy. Kiryu would go on about how it's just to protect people yada yada but Majima would be like my guy, you left a bunch of kids in the care of your daughter who should not be parenting for you. you refuse any and all help because you think you can do it all on your own. you left me with Daigo who you said I wouldn't be babysitting AND YET—

I just want Majima to absolutely rail into him about how self serving he's acted despite better intentions. like of course Haruka ran away, look how much pressure she was under, what she went through in the idol bizz (maybe I'm a loser but I did not like Haruka's part in y5 that shit icked me), what you (Kiryu) do every time you feel like a burden to people. how naïve it was to think any part of Kiryu's past would leave him behind just because he wanted it to. how his lone wolf thing impedes on everybody else. how in 5 he literally says he needs to stop running from his past and he does it anyway. this game FRUSTRATES ME rrhrrhhrhrr KIRYU FRUSTRATES ME ACK. but also I have a thing for Majima just being angry at him, to actually lash out and spew all those feelings of being left behind or being refused to let help because Kiryu's stubborn. how he let himself be used all those years to help Kiryu out just because he asked and now once again Kiryu's off on his own, never changing his tune about how he doesn't wanna rely on people. Majima's not perfect either and frankly he communicates like shit too but I just want that RAGE to get out and explore how Kiryu would hear him but never listen. makes it all the more tragic when he finds out Kiryu "died."

*tho I must note, as much as it does irritate me, 6 makes sense entirely for Kiryu's character lol. nothing he does in it surprises me in the slightest so while I'm not a fan of the story, it's pretty fitting for him since he's the downfall of his own story half the time. and it's not so simple as just saying Kiryu's to blame. he's constantly forced to deal with shit just as much as he wants to be left alone. he struggles and he tries hard I'll give him that. I don't think he's a bad person for what he aimed to do in 6 but he's not infallible either. and sometimes it's just par for the course. like how he makes the compromise at the end of the game to disappear so his family can be at peace all the while in his history, he's had major problems doing what he's told - never truly disappearing anyway, going about whatever's gonna happen in gaiden. could you imagine if Haruka caught wind that some resting bitch face motherfucker is beating the shit outta armies somewhere? could you imagine her finding out that Kiryu left again?

honestly I think his character is really interesting cuz of this. he has good intentions and I feel like to him there's some expectation that people should understand this, that people should accept his choices. I think it's fun to explore how others react to that - how it's in a way offensive, that Kiryu thinks he knows what's best and how to handle it as if he has all the power and say. how pissed people feel about him shoving them away for the sake of their safety, etc. I don't think he'd listen to Majima tbh but I think it's important that someone unafraid of Kiryu's dumbassery would lay it out how it is to him in a way that cuts, more so than Haruka, Date or like Akiyama could.

ANYWAY, Majima's mad at him lol but can't really do anything atm due to the surrounding circumstances. I like to think he's got some of the Majima family watching out for Kiryu and Haruka if they happened to see them. Nishida at least cuz ain't no one gonna arrest a cutie patootie like him. it's not much but it's a little peace of mind. Majima knows Kiryu's reckless as all hell so he's worried and doubly annoyed that Kiryu doesn't care (about his own safety or that other people are concerned for him).

so since Majima has a fat 5 minutes in the whole game, there's not much to say about his involvement overall (other than oopsie stuck in jail) but I've had some thoughts about what all the jimas³ are doing in the meantime.

all the jimas are grouped together because I said so even tho realistically they'd prolly be separated lol. Daigo and Saejima are handling things well enough but Majima's bouncing off the walls in boredom and nothing irks him more than being stuck in one spot while Kiryu's out probably getting hit over the head with a stop sign and refusing medical attention. Daigo's losing his mind but he can agree Kiryu's bullheaded and talking about that keeps Majima distracted. Saejima does his part in trying to get Majima's mind off things now that they have all the time in the world to catch up on whatever.

time passes and I'm rewriting the part in 6 where they show up at the end cuz I live in a fantasy world.

Kiryu "dies" and suddenly the three of them are released early, no doubt knowing his death had something to do with it. Daigo gets Kiryu's letter and Majima makes some joke about Kiryu's literacy but a quick scan of the letter makes Daigo's face drop. he reads it and Majima doesn't think it's real. he doesn't know how to feel. even Saejima is in disbelief. but the letter is vague. it's conjecture written by Kiryu of his own death so there's a chance he's fine. Kiryu's fine, he's always fine. he's been shot and stabbed a million times, he's fine.

but it's not long till it's confirmed by Date. Daigo's skeptical cuz his inner punkass doesn't trust cops. Saejima's on the same page but Majima's in full denial whilst also believing it to be true. his reaction is immediate and violent. he wants something to be done, he wants revenge but Daigo wants to follow Kiryu's wish to avoid war. Majima's so outraged he frankly couldn't give less of a shit about Kiryu's wishes so it's up to Saejima to wrangle him back *insert a dramatic fight here.* Majima gets his ass beat and he's just a mess. things move fast though - the fate of the clan is up in the air and he just couldn't care. but Daigo needs him and for that he pulls it together, just barely.

fast forward to when the jimas go into hiding. they get set up in a lil safehouse via Nick Ogata. I like to see it as a basic bitch type of place, very out of the way, very ignorable but the inside is nice enough. they have to stay cooped up as much as possible and it drives Majima insane. he's fidgety, always pacing. Saejima tries to calm him down and it works for a time until Majima falls into another slump and repeats.

they took a few things with them that they could, mostly small stuff, some clothes and the like. Majima brought along a few of Kiryu's things, namely some pocket cars and a shirt. he wears it often, being very against washing it. Daigo's too stressed to notice but Saejima watches Majima just break down into someone he doesn't know. he's tired, closed off, guilt ridden. Saejima starts to think this is who Majima was after getting out of the Hole. a shell of a person taking blame for things out of his control. losing the will to care for himself as some sort of self imposed punishment for not doing more. seething in silence in the powerlessness.

his beard grows scraggly, his hair is unkept and the circles under his eye grows darker everyday. his behavior mimics his Sotenbori days where everything was for Saejima, all he could think about was Saejima, how he failed him, how if he tried hard enough he could see him again. it's not the case with Kiryu though. he didn't even get to see the body himself.

he's always on his phone reliving memories through photos and conversations. he freaks out when anyone touches the pocket cars and eventually the shirt gets worn out. he's spiraling while the others look on, unsure how to deal with someone whose entire personality revolves around having a fake one.

Saejima takes initiative. maybe he's seen Majima like this before or maybe he hasn't. doesn't matter because he gives Majima a bit of tough love, telling him to get a grip. telling him that Kiryu wouldn't want to see him like this and, under his breath, he needs him in better shape so they can beat the shit outta whoever was responsible. it's not easy of course. it takes Majima awhile to learn how to live again and frankly he doesn't want to talk about Kiryu but Saejima forces him to - to get comfortable with mentioning him, enjoying the memories they had. letting him know it's okay to be vulnerable. it's not a kind or pleasant recovery but it's there. it's helping.

and perhaps some time under supervision, he goes to see Haruka and meets Haruto for the first time. he tries to keep a strong façade for her but she can see right through him and gets one of those rare moments where he's just quiet. where he's real. she catches him up on things and it's a rough one for the both of them, especially since he has to keep the visit short. she doesn't bother asking him where he's going afterward but he promises to keep in touch and that he does. she sends him a lot of photos and videos of the family and he backseat-parents Yuta whenever possible. Haruka's never been a fan of always having Kiryu at arms length but this arrangement helps her deal with the long distance since there's effort on both ends to stay close.

Majima's not used to having others around to help him cope but he eases into it decently enough without the Tojo Clan on his shoulders. he even gets along better with Daigo who has time now to focus more on himself and the grunge within his soul. he's a silly lil dork and that charm reminds him of Kiryu but in a way that doesn't send him spiraling. he starts to see all reminders of Kiryu in a more hopeful light, one that brings back his energy. for most of their home confinement, Majima wouldn't even go out as Goromi since half his confidence came from Kiryu's support. but now and then, with Saejima and Daigo backing him, he can tiptoe a bit back into his fav dresses, ones that Kiryu gave him, ones that hurt to put on because of the baggage they carry. he doesn't even have his wigs anymore so he assembles what he can, how he can into something he knows Kiryu would have called pretty regardless. it stills hurts but it helps.

but, he'll always dip back into the pain of it all. missing intimacy and things taken for granted. he regrets his last words with Kiryu were criticisms knowing he's not perfect himself. maybe he's faced with realizations that he can't survive without certain people, that his attachment issues are brought to the forefront for everyone to see. it's ugly and embarrassing and for the first time in a long time he feels very seen. death's always been a reality for him and he's never cared much for it in regards to himself but losing someone so close, so suddenly? without closure or goodbyes? he's forced to deal with the frailty and mortality of someone he thought was invincible.

and it scares him.

[hey-i-am-trying]

It is really telling that whenever I saw people talking negatively about an egg it was always one of the fem eggs. Either Em or Sunny or Pomme or Lullah or sometimes Leo. They were always “too dramatic” “too sensitive” “too whiny” in comparison to their male siblings, as if that isn’t textbook misogyny. Anyway, Empanada was one of my favorite eggs and I think she had girl’s night parties with all of her moms and Sunny and any of her sisters that wanted to join.

I will not say that there was 'no' hate towards masc eggs. Richas would get random hates comments(some pretty racist one too, not gonna lie). When Bobby was alive he also receive some shit comments. Some people said on twitter that Dapper should have died after Purgatory to make Bad sad, they even wrote fanfics about Bolas killing Dapper(yeah,I saw that shit).

I think the problem is the frequence and consistency, the fems eggs were attacked for the most stupid fucking reason in a almost daily based. And is honestly a reflection on how this community treats the female streamers too, they are okay to be there if they are just going to do what the masc stremers or eggs want, they can sit pretty and not express strong emotions about any topic.

In the eyes of this mysoginistic community:

Fems are not allowed political opinions even if it is fictional politics (still mad about Baghera during the election arc, come fight me).

Fems are not allowed to be angry or upset, even of someone dies but they are especially not allowed to be upset if it is with a masc friend or family member.

But they are also not allowed not care, they can't be cold.

They also can't interfer in masc people's lore.

But also, if they don't interfer, they do not care for that character and they are a fake friend that actually never cared.

Fems are not allowed to have different opinion than their masc friends.

If they have a strong personality, they are whiny, bossy and too arrogant.

If they have a quiter personality, they are taking up space.

Fem streamers also have to deal with the most pathetic stuff, like complaints about Mouse's and Bagi's voices, because the entire existence of this women should cater to the audience

Also see what happend when you mix mysoginy with racism and xenophobia because oh my god if Teaduo didn't had to deal with this shit a lot.

Twitter just likes to erase that it was Tina that started the to flirt with Bagi, they like to say Bagi

(or when then they say that the Bagi's fans forced the ship to happen, which is hilarious when most of us either shipped her with Baghera or Niki in the beginning).

"oh, no, this latin women is too imposing and loud to her soft-spoken asian friend to do anything about the minecraft couple they both are rping in" Get a grip

The women and fem eggs of this island deserve all the girl night parties, they also all deserve a gun, they are also deserved much better, so much better.

[tirfpikachu]

i know dealing with bad faith leftists is frustrating as hell. especially mainstream tras hatereading our thinkpieces or freshly peaked gyns who still have the grander leftist mindset of creating a hivemind and anything outside of what the hivemind believes means the person is some kind of demon who wants to genocide everybody etc etc.

the worst thing about it all is that most (definitely not all) people that are causing drama on tumblr have good intent and a good heart. but their self-preserving animal instincts and rampant insecurities lead to knee-jerk defensiveness at any criticism bc they want to be a good person so bad and they're absolutely terrified of the thought that they may have screwed up in the past without knowing it, they may have not been the best ally to the marginalized or might have lacked nuance, and all that fear of being The Bad Guy leads to aggression when someone calls out the behavior of a group they just so happen to be a part of. they're also often exhausted and stressed from this chaotic world and work or school or poverty or who knows what, and use that as an excuse to lash out. they misunderstand points and they lack social skills, at times from autism or some other disorder, which of course some people love to use as an excuse to get into bad faith debates bc of their poor reading comprehension skills. they utterly suck at interpersonal communication and they often are not the most emotionally stable, especially if they live a busy/stressful life irl or if they're younger and don't have their life figured out yet.

just because we understand where it comes from doesn't make it hurt any less or frustrate us any less whenever it happens. it still sucks. but honestly imo you sometimes do need to psychoanalyze the people being douchebags to you. it can bring some clarity to the situation. if you delve too much into empathy it at times can make it worse, and downplay your own perfectly normal upset/annoyed response at their dumbassery, so it needs to be a careful balance. but sometimes you need to see them as a super obtuse work in progress. down the line they might learn and then feel super embarrassed at how they reacted. i know i have been there, anyways. especially on radblr, we all know how we were when we freshly peaked... we had to get used to a space where diverse opinions are more respected. and i emphasize more respected because it's still social media, and ofc there's really snobby judgy feminists in here. but it's a much different culture, i think most of us can agree on that. think about pre-peaked you. you from back then. did you have evil intent? what reaction did you deserve others to give you? what would have helped you peak just a little? what did you need? what would have made the situation better? what do we want pre-peaked people to know about us, about this radblr community? how can we behave in a way that fosters more people peaking, instead of them turning their backs on us?

you need to be united and have a goal in mind. it's very fun to give into sassy clapbacks and mean-spirited memes every now and then. goddess knows i've given into that too and had a blast. but at some point as an activist you gotta be like, aight, let me think about our group's end game. how do we want to affect the leftist community? what behavior, what code of conduct should i have to make that goal actually come true? we all get to choose our path as feminists. mine, the tirfy side, dealing with the batshit mainstream tra nonsense, is more controversial and doesn't need to be your main focus. you need to journal it out. you need to figure out what you want to accomplish in your lifetime as a feminist on this platform. we're all getting older now, and i for one want to have a positive impact of some kind. you can ofc at times dunk on people - i probably will sometimes too. but you still need to keep your feminist goals in mind at all times. you're strong, you're powerful, you're captable, you're a force of nature and you can accomplish great things as a feminist if you just buckle down and do it, little by little. every interaction you have on here adds to that too. radblr has led to real change happening, irl too! this isn't just a website for nobodies that don't affect society whatsoever. this is tumblr. tumblr, the site that actually has had an insane amount of power on how the lgbt community defined itself irl and has affected everything from laws to schools to workplaces. we on radblr can also have a big impact if we just rally together and make things happen.

it's not just radblr. it's Radblr™ and it truly can create real change.

[solarmagickstar]

Not super into Jessie Gender, but I watched their video on "how we talk about trans men" and I've gotta say it was disappointing asf.

As a trans masc/guy I feel like I can't really have an opinion? Like for me it's like I'm too scared to be angry, like if I am it's just gonna be thrown back at me like "oh it must be those testosterone hormones coming out" or "well of course your all angry your a man" like men can't be sensitive at all or something? It's almost always said in a way to "give me euphoria" cause that's how we're supposed to treat men.

At times it really feels like we're being pushed out of queer spaces because we'll if your a guy you wouldn't wanna be a part of the marginalised group ya know cause "we're escaping to get to privilege" right?

I don't feel like our experience with gender is allowed to be expressed openly and we're absolutely not allowed to be GNC. And honestly the same could probably be said for GNC trans fems too, I don't see a lot of them either.

I feel like in Jessie gender's video they kinda didn't *actually* wanna sit with what they said originally? Like when it came to the Barbie movie I wanted to participate in the conversation of girl hood and how that's still relevant to me and how it's shaped me as the person I am today, how much I enjoyed the Ken dolls experience and how they played with masculine fashion in a way I hadn't seen in a while. But honestly I felt like well this movies for the girls so I probably shouldn't say anything.

Sometimes I wonder if we partially do this to ourselves because a lot of us keep to ourselves and don't really wanna be seen half the time. I haven't talked to the trans masc I knew since we all left Facebook, it's so lonely out here and the more I look for trans content the more I see trans fems and basically only white trans masc (with like maybe 2 poc ones but is that really all we get?) It makes me feel like I don't exist. The only places I can see poc trans masc viking or existing is on sites run by a variety of trans people or is run by a trans masc person living free.

When I see that I think, thank god your fucking real. Thank god I see someone like me thriving and existing out there.

I wanna see more of y'all, like actually see y'all, I feel like I'm fading away as more and more content keeps talking about how bad trans fems (oh and non binary but let's not define what you mean or who you're talking about we just throw them in there cause let's be more inclusive right? But only to you? Great) but the amount of trauma that's in the trans masc community is horrific and is not talked about or addressed at all.

In men's spaces there's not room for queer most of the time, so to find a place to belong and essentially get told my issues aren't as important or that trans fems ("and nonbinary" cause again you're lying to yourself by saying this even if your non-binary) then you're fundamentally missing out on our lives. I don't even feel like we have enough data on us because even the trans masc get lumped in with nonbinary or GNC like that's just fucking normal.

I remember a study was out on trans masc and GNC women about how often all of us deal with sexual assault and it's the closest I've seen and it wasn't even good findings it was depressing. I wish I could find it again. But again that study put us with GNC (pretty sure it was cis) women!

Please not this is coming from someone who's been SA'd pre and post coming out as trans. Did you know some people see us as a way to see if they're gay or bi? Like experiment on us, get us drunk and tell us we should just take it because "well you're supposed to be a man right?" We can't even get to these conversations yet and I'm worried we never will.

Do we even exist? Are we allowed to voice our opinions? Are we allowed to be mad? Are we allowed to be upset with our community? Can we do our own studies? Should we be more visible? I'm scared to, I don't wanna show my face I'm a very private person, but do I need to address that? Is that a bad thing? Is it perpetuated by my environment?

I don't know and honestly I just wanna see more variety of trans masc people, I'm scared we're just gonna stay under the radar and continue to deal with the bullshit we always have.

Ps. Jessie gender 100% did the I have a trans masc friend, no matter how much they said "I'm not doing that" they literally were doing it and there was almost no self reflection on that at all. This wasn't really the video I think they thought it was cause all it did was tell me they don't talk to us very often and that at this point I've just seen heart reacts to comments on their video's comments and not any actual responses to what anyone's said on there. It'll be a process I get it but this video was not good at all and I feel like any trans masc who's getting excited about being seen by a bigish YouTuber is like me desperate for anything validation cause that's kinda how starved we are out here tbh.

[sophieinwonderland]

On The Survivor's Network Admin's "Apology"

As many know, the Admin of the Survivors' Network made an awful post about me back in November. In the recent document from the Survivors' Network, it included the admin's "apology" to the server, and I wanted to address that.

The Original Post

Pictures of the original post are at the bottom under the Keep Reading. TW in advance for fakeclaiming, transphobia, misgendering, bullying, etc.

The "Apology"

When the post resurfaced this year, the admin had this to say in the Survivor’s Network: i am going to be fully transparent. i am the one who made that post, on November 28th of 2022. it was a shitty post. but ugh. i don’t know. i was in an abusive situation i was still in denial about and taking my anger out where i felt it was righteous. i had been trying to stay away from syscourse for similar reasons, but i’ve got a part i failed to keep track of there. and that is shitty. i was just so pissed that, just like she is now, she was only afloat after some terrible shit coming up because of claiming oppression she neither understands or actually experiences. i was so fucking upset, as a trans person, that she had repeatedly waxed about being and identifying as cis and then as soon as it benefit her claimed that she was oppressed in the same way trans people are. it fucking hurt to see that and to see so many people just accepting it— because that was why she said it. not because she actually believed it, but because it put her back in good standing to have a few more made-up oppression points. and then i did the Really Shitty thing and i decided to break through the Sophie Wall and talk directly to the host. and i got really fakeclaimy, and i regret the fuck out of that. if i could go back and have not made that post, i would. it’s private now, and, for full transparency, if any of you want to see the full post i can send it but in honestly ashamed by it now. i don’t care whether or not sophie is experiencing what she says she is, i don’t want other people to see that and be hurt by it. i just. ugh. i was being an idiot. in the place i am now, i’d never make a post like that. i feel really bad about it. it was immature and a very obvious display of lack of inhibition on my part. it does highlight where i think i’m still in need of s lot of growth, though, and reminds me i do need to continue to work with [alters name that I am not going to include in this incredibly public post, for system privacy] in therapy. i do also want to apologize to you all for doing this. i wasn’t leading by example. i wasn’t being mature. i was spitting vitriol, something that especially now, more than ever, with my current religious/spiritual growth and my personal growth in therapy, never feel is okay. i used to be a very hateful person towards people that i felt were wronging me and/or my community, and this is no exception to that. i regret it deeply, and can only rectify  that by promising that i have been growing and will continue to grow as time goes on. i’m really sorry. and i’m sorry that i didn’t deal with that post sooner— i would have if i had remembered it was there. i actually need to go through all my oldest posts, some of them are pretty bad.

Who the apology was for...

To be clear, this was not an apology to me.

It did not express any regret whatsoever at how it might have affected me. They express that they're concerned about other people being hurt by it and that they're sorry to the Survivors' Network for not leading by example. But they don't seem overly bothered by its impact on the person it was about.

Which is fine. I don't care. I'm not asking for an apology, and certainly wouldn't want them to fake one for my benefit. But since that one ask suggested I was given apologies, I suspect they might have mistook this post made in the Discord server... which wasn't intended for me, didn't express guilt over how it affected me, and wasn't in a place I could even find it unless I had a spy in the server... as an apology to me. I just wanted to establish for the record that this apology was worded in a way that it was directed at basically everyone but me.

Reasons are given in the document why they chose not to reach out and thought it would be a bad idea. And while those may have truth to them, this post reads as if they don't feel guilt for how this might have impacted me.

Maybe I'm wrong, but if that is the case, then I'm genuinely thankful they didn't try to give me some fake apology they didn't mean. I don't need and don't want it.

That's not what I wanted to talk about though.

Yes, Cis-Identifying Headmates With Different Genders Than The Body's AGAB Are Still Oppressed In The Same Way Trans People Are!

Let's zero in on this...

i was so fucking upset, as a trans person, that she had repeatedly waxed about being and identifying as cis and then as soon as it benefit her claimed that she was oppressed in the same way trans people are.

Do you think that the reason trans people are oppressed is because cis people just really hate the word trans?

That if trans people just called themselves by a different label, they'd totally be accepted in society?

No. Of course not!

And likewise, just because cis-identifying headmates with different genders from the body's AGAB don't identify as trans, that doesn't mean that they aren't oppressed in the same way trans people are.

That doesn't mean they won't be directly impacted by the way society treats any GNC people, and even much of the transphobic legislation being passed right now!

Transphobia isn't actually hatred of just the people who call themselves trans. It's hatred of people with different genders from their AGAB and GNC people, regardless of if they call themselves transgender or not.

On Why I Identify as Cis...

First, the most obvious reason I identify as cis is because I am. As far as I'm concerned, my inner form is my true form. And it's always been assigned female. What our shared body's assigned gender is doesn't matter to me.

But I will make a confession: the reason I talk about being cis so much, the reason I flaunt it, is to make a statement.

There was a very infuriating bit of sysmed gatekeeping last year that argued that headmates can't identify as transgender if their gender is the same as their AGAB.

I found this incredibly hypocritical given that almost all systems have non-transgender headmates with differing genders from the body's AGAB, but they're not forced to label themselves as transgender.

At the same time, they also don't publicly call themselves cis despite feeling cis on the inside.

So my goal of bringing up being cis frequently is to challenge accepted norms for systems. To normalize publicly identifying as cis headmates, and by extension, to normalize headmates with the same gender as the body's AGAB identifying as trans.

If people have a problem with trans-identifying headmates with a different gender from their body's AGAB, then they should also have a problem with cis headmates with a different one. And that means the vast majority of the plural community.

I call myself cis, all the time, to get people to think seriously about how we conceptualize gender when it comes to systems.

But identifying as cis doesn't mean I don't experience gender dysphoria while fronting, nor does it magically stop me or any other cis-identifying headmates from being victims of the same oppression we would face if we identified as transgender instead.

On Having Room To Grow

It was nice to apologize to the other people who saw it.

But this apology still doubles down on some of the most harmful points. It denies the oppression systems with cis-identifying headmates face, and practically presents our gender identities as less valid than those of trans-identifying people.

And in this way, they fail to understand a huge part of WHY their original post was bad.

Yes, the fakeclaiming was awful, and could easily send people into derealization spirals. The language itself was cruel and verbally abusive.

But let's not ignore the huge problem with the premise itself. The whole ideology it's built on that the only way GNC people can be oppressed is by explicitly identifying as trans. That discrimination against systems for our genders isn't as bad as discrimination against transgender people.

And this is something that I sincerely hope the user and anyone in the system community who agrees with them, can grow out of.

The Original Post:

Oh, and no one in our system has ever used 4Chan. 🤷‍♀️

[suzukiblu]

Hello all, I am honestly not even sure how long it's been since I've really talked to anyone online and I'm very sorry for just straight-up ghosting so many of you, but I'm trying to work on resuming my life and reconnecting with people a bit and especially trying to start picking up all of the commitments I've let myself drop in the past year or two.

Full disclosure, I've been having a bad time mentally for quite a while and just haven't been available to anyone in my life, online or off. I'm really sorry to have stressed people out with that because I know I did worry a few of you. I'm just not all here, to be honest, and I haven't handled it well. I'm having some personal struggles and just not doing my best taking care of the resulting issues--it's not anything trauma-based/triggered, it's more along the lines of problems with in-built psychological issues stemming from chemical imbalances that I just don't always manage as effectively as I could. But I'm not physically ill and haven't been in an accident or anything like that, and I'm trying to re-engage with life now. Catching up with people I owe communication/commissions/explanations to is on my list, but I just haven't managed to make it very far into said list yet. I am, however, physically healthy and in stable housing, and if anything emergency-adjacent happens I do have local friends and non-local family members I could get help from, so I'm not in an "immediate crisis" situation.

I'm just also unemployed, out of money, and scraping by on food stamps and state-issued healthcare that doesn't cover my previous psychiatrist, and I haven't been able to find a new one in-network who's taking patients and actually, like . . . calls me back when I leave a message or email them in interest of making an appointment. I'm signed up with a program that can help me get a job, hopefully, but the process is taking a little while and I'm not sure how long it'll take in the end, so the future is very nebulous at the moment.

And like . . . VERY full disclosure, I'm just very depressed and stuck being off my meds for the forseeable future. My room is a mess I can't bring myself to clean up, I feel like I can't engage meaningfully with a lot of things, I don't feel hopeful or optimistic at all, my emotional responses are all heavily muted, my coping mechanisms are avoiding breakdowns but are not long-term helpful or productive, and I'm neglecting a lot of people and things in my life and my own best interests because I just . . . don't care.

I know my situation and my feelings are largely just because I'm going through a major depressive phase unmedicated and with limited personal resources, it's not an end of the world scenario or anything. It's just been difficult and upsetting trying to find ways and motivation to fix my life and get out of that phase when I'm already feeling sunk in a quagmire and like I did all this to myself with my own mistakes, and I'm just trying to take things one step at a time and build back up from where I'm at.

So long story short: I'm not doing great right now but I'm stable, and I greatly appreciate the concern and grace I've been given while being just entirely off radar and am going to be doing my best to make right or make up for the neglect. If anyone wants or needs to check in on anything I owe them, please feel free to message me and ask; I'll be trying to contact everyone I owe anything to but given the brain-fog I've been dealing with I don't trust myself not to miss anybody in there, so believe me, if you feel the need I will in no way be offended and you'd probably be doing me a favor anyway.

Thank you all, you've all been so good to me over the years. I'll hopefully be in touch soon. ❤

[lilbluebastard]

⚠️ Opinion/long post warning! ⚠️

Listen you can be honest after you read this if you do, I’ll happily listen and respect you’re opinion 🩵

Listen I love hellsing but I don’t love some of its ships

Like the ships! Of course I’m not judging anyone we all have our own thing and we all like to enjoy our own opinions, I totally understand it but to be honest some of the ships that go with alucard creep me out….like a lot

Know before anyone gets upset there’s a good reason, I’m not just saying this stuff because I hate alucard (even tho I do) some of this ships can be creepy and weird

Like for example, andercard , alucard x Integra or alucard x Walter, now let me explain

It doesn’t involve alucard it involves

Girly card

Plus im not gonna go search for the art because I don’t wanna drag the artist into it and I don’t wanna well search for it because it makes me uncomfortable

I’ve seen art with girly card and young Walter now, just because she looks like a child doesn’t mean she is one , Alucards is about a 500+ year old guy, I’ve seen art of girlycard, doing things with young Walter and young Integra that he shouldn’t be doing with them

I’ve seen him flirting with them, EVEN KISSING THEM!

These two young CHILDREN for example

It’s honestly just creepy and kinda makes me question the community

Now I’m sure you’re wondering

Where does andercard come in this, listen I’m not hating on andercard because i like Anderson, it’s a cute ship don’t get me wrong I love a lil enemies to lover type stuff, I’ve seen some cute art

But seriously girlycard looks like a child, it’s makes Anderson look like a stereotypical irl priest 😭

But I’ve seen art where they’ve shared a father like daughter relationship and that’s a bit better just a old man taking the form of a child to get a good father figure he’s always wanted but I’ve seen creepy art between them, people are making Alexander look like a creep 😕

But I’ve also seen art of Alexander and girlycard and it’s just creepy, I’ve seen people drawing them in weird positions , yes they do give Anderson a uncomfortable expression but that’s no excuse in my opinion

People are making alucard and Anderson look like a creeps! Like yes have you’re ships but honestly, you’re making alucard act like that piece of shit that attacked him in his childhood

And I’m aware every community has its bad sides and good sides and I should deal with it but seriously!

Listen if you’re upset with me I can kinda understand but seriously this is really creepy and no one talks about it (well from what I can see no one does) some people are making alucard a actual monster

Like yes older Integra and Walter are fine because there adults, ship them to high heaven for all I care but drawing him with there younger selves how can you not see how bad that is? And honestly I’ve seen art of where there just besties, I like that because it’s not as creepy a lil weird but not as creepy you know?

But honestly ship what you want

Andercard is a silly ship , I mean not my ship but I respect others for it but the nsfw art makes me really uncomfortable, but still! I’ve seen silly stuff with andercard

(Adult) Integra x alucard

Also not my ship because I see them as father and daughter(just my opinion tho 😉) , but if it’s yours hey that’s a-okay! I’ve seen sone cute art with those guys! I get silly comics of Integra x alucard and they always are the best!

I don’t really see art of older Walter and alucard it’s rare but still!

A ship is a ship, everything has a good side and everything has a bad side, I’m sorry if I made someone upset, feel free to tell me you’re opinion, I’ll happily listen to you and I’ll respect it, because everyone’s opinions important

Listen I’m not gonna go tell people to stop drawing what they like, Im not that kinda person , I’m just someone who’s sharing my opinions, because it’s been bugging me for a while, I’m just being honest

(yes I’m aware there are other ships but I feel like this one was just to Important)

But this is just my opinion okay! It doesn’t have to be yours as well, you don’t need to change it to yours after reading this! You’re opinion and say on this is important too! Don’t let sone random person on the internet bring you down because of there opinion! if yours is different I’ll respect it because you’re important as well!🥰🩵🫂

[icypantherwrites]

Update on AO3 Situation + Final RAINN Support Event

(this is a little long, but please, if possible, read to the end.)

AO3 has *finally* reinstated my fanfiction To Become the Nightmare and in a way this nightmare situation is over. I'm still extremely frustrated and disappointed though with AO3 especially as I am 99.9% certain the only reason my issue was finally addressed was because I tagged their support page on Twitter/X rather than any of my emails and communications to their actual Policy and Abuse team. They also provided no apology or reason for the delay or an explanation for why their staff provided a 1-week timeline that they then ignored for 3.5 weeks. I'm grateful to have my story back, but this entire ordeal has been awful in so many ways.

I will also admit on a personal note it was also disheartening to see how many folks sent me messages, asks (to the point I locked them down on Tumblr) and comments on AO3 stories (of which I'd know there'd be even more if AO3 hadn't made the blanket decision to lock down all guest comments) wanting to know where I'd be updating now, getting upset over the fact I use Patreon as they don't want paywalls to read my works, asking about the status of current stories and former stories, etc. and very rarely, if at all, even taking into account how all of this was affecting me.

I have poured years into posting on AO3, on making it a platform where I have over 2.5 million words worth of stories for everyone to enjoy, and am dealing with AO3 painting me as some villain because I linked to an organization to try to help sexual assault victims, and their complete lack of communication on top of all of that felt intentional. It's put me in a really bad mental health state and coming in daily to see multiple people asking and asking about how will *they* read my stories and making me feel guilty for not updating just... it really hurt. And the answer was I didn't know entirely what was going to happen and was still hoping for the best outcome with AO3. And contrary to some of the accusations I received, I never intended to put all of my new and upcoming works behind a Patreon paywall and certainly never planned to delete any works other than the single one I mentioned (and I explained why that was). I may have used Patreon's platform (because it has better formatting than say Tumblr) and made the works posted there available to the public (anyone can join as a free member, fyi), but that was never the end-game and the fact so many people got mad and angry and posted honestly kind of cruel asks and comments... I'm really hurt. I'm a person too and I share my works with my own time and energy and to have everyone so embroiled in this "me me me" energy when I was really struggling with what AO3 did, just... makes me not want to post anymore anywhere at all. I won't do that because I won't punish those folks who have been supportive and kind, but please, take a moment before you comment to think how it feels to be the recipient of a message like that. That's all the energy left I have to spend on that but please, be kind. Be understand. Be appreciative for what you do have and remember always that authors have feelings too.

Going forward I'll be looking to get back to updating existing stories and publishing some backlog on AO3 during this suspension/lock; however, I will be holding off on that until AO3 lifts their own blanket ban on guest comments as I know there are plenty of folks who prefer to engage that way and/or haven't yet been able to get accounts. You may have seen as well that my account, given that it seems to be AI-bots leading the reason for the guest ban, has been locked down to only AO3 accounts able to read my works. That will remain in effect until AO3 releases theirs and it may be something I ultimately do to protect my account and my works in the future, but for now once the current AO3 situation has been resolved that will go back to access to guest accounts as well.

In the meantime, with To Become the Nightmare restored and the fact my earlier RAINN support events have thus far yielded $2 for me to donate (which hurts in other ways xD Come on y'all, financial support for a great organization and some emotional support and love for the author, what's not to like about that?) I'm going to do one final event to try to raise some funds for RAINN and at least try to make a small, positive difference in all of this mess.

For the remainder of this week, anyone who leaves an engaged comment (100+ words, no quote-backs in that word count, about the fanfiction at hand) on To Become the Nightmare I will donate $2 per comment to RAINN. It would also personally mean a lot to me as this story never really had a lot of comment engagement in the first place AND on top of that it got a really, really toxic comment. I unfortunately get those folks regularly on sexual assault recovery fanfictions I write because they refuse to accept that everyone heals in different ways AND also refuse to take accountability where if they don't like what they're reading they have the power to hit the back button on their browser and just not read it. I left that particular comment up (you can see it on page 2) if you want a taste of some of the people I still encounter to this day. Anyways, it would mean a lot to hear from those who may want to read it, but given that it both a; has sexual assault and b; is an M-rating please do read it at your own discretion. I'm posting the full summary below and please read the warnings tagged on the story. I'll post an update at the end of the week with how much we managed to raise for RAINN (and if you'd like to donate on your own too, please feel free~! ♥)

To Become the Nightmare

Summary: [College AU] “And if you didn’t want to have fun,” nails dug into Lance’s skin as the grip tightened and Dios, he couldn’t move, he couldn’t move, “then you shouldn’t have been such a pretty little tease, freshie. You wanted to hang with the big boys? Well,” he chuckled, “welcome to the real party.” Hot breath wafted over Lance’s face as the upperclassmen smirked down at him. “Now let’s get it started.”

[anyoldfandom]

Unpopular opinion perhaps but idt Circe and Rex are a good couple and hear me out. This is not Circe hate I fucking love Circe. She's my girlie. I will jokingly call her Rex's goth gf but like...their dynamic is kinda not great.

Starting with Rex he is extremely codependent with people. Not in an only bad way - he just wants to solve people's problems bc that's what he's used to based on his circumstances. He's the Cure, the specialest guy in his world and everyone knows it even as he doesn't want to be. But he is so used to not just being reliable, but relying on others if he thinks he can't handle something - which isn't often bc he's 15-17 and forced into a hero complex, but it happens. He's used to Six and Holiday saving his ass and having to work with other people. He's also very people-oriented, craving deep connections and willing to open up to anyone.

And in contrast, we have Circe. She is clearly very independent, likes solving issues on her own and hates swallowing her pride, which is fine bc she's ALSO 15-17 and traumatized and manipulated by VK a lot. VK outright said she was in a terrible place when he found her and I don't doubt it, bc that's his MO, playing off of people's desperation. She was a manipulated, discriminated against and traumatized teenager who I want to make abdolutely clear I do not blame for her actions. Girlie clearly has a lot to work through.

But ultimately, I think this makes Circe and Rex a bad romantic couple. Their romantic moments read to me more like kids with no experience dating rather than a deep connection. When they fight, it's always really, really bad, and usually Rex is feeling the brunt of the argument - which again, is not a dunk on Circe. Rex has had emotional support for as long as he can remember with Holix, while it's clear while VK was around the Pack did Not get along. But it's just...shitty for him. He has to consistently be the bigger person which, if he was another character with another backstory willingly and consistently engaging with her it wouldn't be that bad. Noah, for example, could probably handle it better than Rex and be able to better communicate that hey, this isn't fair to lash out at him and that's something to work on. (Again, not a dunk on Circe - people can have negative traits that are not their fault that they still need to rectify to be fair for others. Also, it just flat-out makes her a more interesting character.)

But Rex? Rex is the hero. He's the savior, because that's all he remembers. He's the guy who has to show empathy, has to give other EVOs that aren't blatantly evil second chances, because he's used to no one else doing it. So to me, it just...makes for a bad dynamic for both of them. Rex takes too much shit from Circe bc he wants to help her, and then oversteps her boundaries with what she wants to deal with alone and upsets her more. Circe feels like she's being pitied or talked down to by Rex, and then she either lashes out or gets cold.

I think, honestly, that if they weren't traumabonded...they wouldn't even be that close. Their personalities don't mesh - they could be good friends, but surface level friends. People who talk about their interests or only hang out in friend groups, and that would be fine. But in a romantic relationship, it just...doesn't work.

[squarebracketsmileyface]

Another song for My Girl, My Girl, My Girl

Honestly a lot of Half.Alive songs fit really well with Sorry, It's Locked in general. Like, I have one for Birdie and Tim in Crossroads and I have this one for My Girl. I don't know what it is about their songs, but they're just so perfect for this series, especially the quieter moments, you know? They're the exact kind of nostalgic/happy-sad vibes I want a lot of the quiet moments to have, i think.

Honestly, now that I'm really thinking about it, this song feels like it fits kinda the whole series, a little bit.

I never told You never asked 'Til I got older I kept it wrapped You had me holding up my past I came to know it's what I want so bad

For My Girl i think this just feels like if Jay had actually realised he was trans, like, got a lot further down that line than he actually will. It's like him realising how much he hid and now that Tim's pointed things out to him, he can look back on his life and kinda notice all the moments from when he was younger that were evidence of him being trans, even if at the time and for a long while after he didn't think twice about them.

And Tim did sort of ask Jay if he was trans, but the second Jay denied it he backed down and let it go. Sort of. He still sets up their forced fem and general fem sex stuff in a way that he hopes will make Jay feel more comfortable actually exploring his gender. But as far as Jay's concerned, or would be concerned if he lived long enough to figure it out, Tim never asked so Jay didn't tell him he was trans until way later on. As in, had Jay lived it would have taken him close to 5-10 years before he told Tim he was trans.

He would figure it out eventually, though. He'd take a while, but eventually he'd realise that what he wanted was actually to be she and her and Lark.

You know I wanna live to fast And die too young It ain't that bad Just don't look up I found my path is that enough?

This is kind of Jay's attitude to everything in my head. Like, i don't know it just is. He definitely lives too fast, and he's going to die too young. He downplays things a lot (though, he also makes other things out to be worse than they are? He's a bit all over the place) like, I'm pretty sure he actually says the words "It wasn't that bad" or "It's not that bad" in S,IL itself at some point, when he's talking to Tim about Alex.

He's pretty sure he's not going to live very long though. That's his path, he doesn't want it to happen, he wants to survive this whole thing with Tim and go on with their lives after, but he's not fully convinced they'll get that. It's mostly just a nice thought for him.

Well I was getting used to what I thought was love It made me laugh I came undone 'Cause all I had Was not enough

Jay's understanding of If It Ain't Broken and everything that happened in that. Like, yeah yeah he knew Alex wasn't in love with him, but he did get used to their relationship and how it was, and that became what he thought all/most relationships would be in his life. And everything he had to give Alex 'wasn't enough' to make Alex love him back (or so he thought), and that did make him come undone a little bit, yknow? It fucked him up really bad, not just in the "oh poor guy he's so hurt and upset by it" way, but also in the "Oh he doesn't really understand boundaries and really needs to work on his ability to communicate what he wants properly" way.

I want you to move me I want you to move me Step into the moonlight Throw your weight in to me

Okay, so, this bit's like, lyrically it fits very well with Jay's inability to ask for what he wants and him just wanting Tim to do whatever so Jay doesn't have to deal with the embarrassment of telling Tim what he wants and why he wants it. He just wants Tim to make him do it.

On the other hand, this song is so very gently upbeat that something as serious as that feels inappropriate to connect to it. The mention of moonlight reminds me of the fic White Noise which is to be uploaded after this next chapter of My Girl. Jay and Tim go stargazing together and end up leaning against each other as they sit on the roof of one of their cars. They do this for Jay's birthday, and the gesture is incredibly moving to Jay, as it is a celebration of him still being alive that he had previously (in chapter three) assured Tim was not necessary.

I want your storms Shaking the trees I want your waves Breaking on me I want your knife To cut the seams When all the feelings Tie me up to be

This verse clearly would be a reference to Jay and Alex's past relationship, both in university and two years prior to My Girl, when they had sex for the first and last time since university. This works for both of those relationships, as both were hectic and turbulent and harmful to all involved. Storms that shake the trees often rend branches from their home trunks and can leave people with devastating injuries as well as a fear of storms that they never before held. Storm waves can do the same, dashing people upon rocks and causing clifftops to slump or crumble, dragging any hapless victims who may had been standing there to their deaths.

Knives do not typically come with storms, however often within Sorry, It's Locked Jay would make references and allusions to heartbreak by speaking about Alex holding his heart in his hands after having carved it from his chest with a knife. Alex was always insinuated to be careless with Jay's heart not only for having carved it from his chest (a bloody, gruesome and deadly action to take) but also because once he had Jay's heart in his hands he would continue to use the knife upon it. This was meant as a comment on how even after Jay had given Alex everything he had, even going so far as to allow him to claim Jay's heart as his own without giving anything in return, Alex still continued to cause harm to Jay simply because he wanted to. He had nothing more to gain from the damage he caused, he simply wanted to do it, so he did.

You know I wanna live to fast And die too young It ain't that bad Just don't look up I found my path is that enough? Well I was getting used to what I thought was love It made me laugh I came undone 'Cause all I had Was not enough

After the previous verse, the chorus takes on a new meaning, talking more about how Jay would have allowed Alex to destroy him in his entirety simply because he thought he loved him, despite how Alex hurt him and the knowledge that Alex would never love him back. He convinces himself that what is happening between them isn't 'that bad' and convinces himself that there is nothing better for him to look up and try to find. He is content to continue down this path of destruction at Alex's hands.

mutual destruction dude? Alex wasn't the only one at fault?? like, at all? he was just as hurt by their uni relationship as Jay was, probably more honestly.

My apologies.

I want you to move me I want you to move me Step into the moonlight Throw your weight in to me

Once again, the chorus takes on a new meaning when thought about in the context of Jay and Alex's university relationship. Jay and Alex's university relationship was built around mutually agreed upon power dynamics and dominance and submission, often with Alex physically moving Jay around as he pleased or 'throwing his weight into him' in order to hold him down. This was, of course, all at least mostly agreed upon by the two of them (although my understanding is that they should have spoken about it far more and far more freely than they did, as miscommunication between them did lead to situations with dubiously consensual elements)

Be my chain Where I stand Want to be my song When I can't dance Light my fire And burn the trees No, I won't get tired When I can't breathe

Okay. SO. one just generally i really like this line, like, yeah idk i just do. But like, i think it just works so well for both Jam and Jaylex, yknow? like, idk it's like all those ocean metaphores i use for Jay's relationships, with Alex being a stormy ocean that's dangerous and getting subby with him was like drowning whereas Tim was a calm, peaceful ocean and getting subby with him is like floating in a calm, warm sea.

"Be my chain where i stand" can either be "hey, you're tethering me to earth and making me feel more real and secure and safe because I can't just float away and suffocate in the vastness of space." OR it can be "You're fucking trapping me let me go, these chains are hurting me and i long for freedom. My wrists and ankles are raw from the shackles, just let me go." That last one can both be how Jay felt about Alex and that relationship back in uni, OR it can more specifically be Jay about how he can't ever seem to quite get over Alex and how his continued like, love for him is causing him pain because he knows the relationship was bad for him and he knows Alex will never love him back. well he thinks Alex will never love him back. He is wrong about that one tho lol

"Want to be my song when i can't dance" can also be both Jam and Jaylex. Like, chapter 2 of S,IL, duh, all those songs on the radio that just felt like they were making fun of Jay because of how fucked up his relationship with Alex was, and because he was daydreaming about getting to dance around the kitchen with Alex and wondering if Amy did that with him, knowing that he wasn't going to get that cute domestic stuff with Alex no matter how badly he wanted it. OR. it can be jam. it can be Jam inn chapter three of My Girl, because they are going to get to dance to the radio together like Jaylex never did and it's gonna be wonderful.

Also "When i can't dance i want you to move me" does fall a bit back to the whole Jay cant ask for what he wants thing, but I think it's probably in a softer way, yknow? Like, feeling awkward or lost in Tim's kitchen because he never got anything like this with Alex so he doesn't really know what he's doing. He's not good at romance even though he craves it, so he needs Tim to teach him the steps (both the steps to the dance and the steps to take to make their relationship work and be healthy)

"Light my fire And burn the trees No, I won't get tired When I can't breathe" again this just feels like the whole "ocean metaphores for both relationships but in different ways" thing. Alex was a distructive fire that made it hard to breath and Jay was so exhilarated by it that the adrenaline stopped him getting tired of it, even when it hurt him. Tim is like a campfire, all warm and glowing and you roast marshmallows on it with your loved ones, sure the heat still makes it hard to breath when you're close enough to it so you can roast your marshmallows (??? I think I'm using marshmallows as a metaphore for them having sex???) but it's not an all encompasing forest fire, there's more to this fire than just using the heat to roast marshmallows. You can just sit by it and swap stories, you can use it to warm up and recharge after a long, tiring day. Jay can never get tired of this fire, not because the adrenaline is keeping him awake, just because who could get tired of a campfire? they're so lovely.

I want you to move me Be my chain Where I stand Want to be my song When I can't dance I want you to move me Light my fire And burn the trees No, I won't get tired When I can't breathe Step into the moonlight Be my chain Where I stand Want to be my song When I can't dance Throw your weight in to me Light my fire And burn the trees No, I won't get tired When I can't breathe

Same

Be my chain Where I stand Would you be my song When I can't dance Light my fire And burn the trees No, I won't get tired When I can't breathe

Same

[td-frog]

thoughts on dcas e7:

tom+jake+aiden

god this season is doing such a good job with jake. after last episode it'd make so much sense for him to just be jealous and upset, but instead he's genuinely trying to communicate. and literally saying "you always wanted me to do this, so i'm trying, please talk to me" is like. really good.

idk for sure but it does feel like tom's lying about the boyfriend. at the very least, not giving any more information (valid choice if it's true given they're on tv and that ruined his life in s1) makes it seem like he's lying, which sucks for jake because at this point he is doing everything right.

not really surprised that aiden's mad at jake about it given he and tom are friends and he and jake don't know each other, but it is a little disappointing given how clearly (to the audience) jake is Trying His Best

also i do kind of love that this very much could have been the end of it if it weren't for ellie intentionally fucking it up.

villains alliance

i fully forgot that alec didn't know about the letters. of course he didn't, he would absolutely have taken it seriously because he's the only person in the alliance trying to make it work. i do think it's funny that he and riya had a conversation about it without even checking if anyone was listening tho.

gabby finding out was inevitable, ever since the "ellie would've told me line" but i do feel bad for her. i'm worried this is going to backfire on tess tho, since she offered to talk to ellie first. their relationship is really sweet and it makes sense for the game to mess it up, but yeah :(

magenta team

prediction from last time: "if it's magenta team it's probably fiore, which makes me think it won't be magenta team." well i was half right!

i love fiore so much and i'm sad to see her go, but honestly i really really love what they're doing with jake here.

like the theme of his character is Trust Issues, and in s1 that was a lot more lashing out at people over tiny slights which was not the most likable trait. but now he's learned that that's not healthy and is trying to correct it, but the core issue is still there. the fear and worry at being hurt or abandoned hasn't gone away, he's just not externalizing it as much.

like i genuinely don't think ashley is wrong for hanging out with ally, not eliminating ally, not picking up on the severity of jake's anxieties, etc. in fact i think kicking ally out would've made it worse, bc what he needs more than immediate reassurance that he's her ultimate bestie is to build up resistance to the fear of abandonment- being able to experience the worry and have it turn out okay without needing ashley to do something dramatic will help demonstrate that it doesn't have to be as big of a deal as his relationship trauma is telling him.

but also i get it. and i'm not worried about ashley turning on him, but i do think he's not going to handle it well bc he needs to be liked so bad and is not having a good time.

other thoughts

yellow team took more of a backseat this episode (besides the villains alliance thing, but that was a bit more ellie focused), but yul continues to be the world's shittiest boyfriend. grett has grown so so much since s1 and it's gonna hurt so bad when this gets exposed i know it :(

#trevek confirmed ig, still kind of largely ignoring it for personal reasons.

predictions

cyan team should be high focus next episode, mainly bc of the villains thing. i think it's likely ellie will react badly to being confronted about it, and i can see it causing team tension esp with gabby. if they end up having elimination i don't really see ellie surviving at this point? mostly because tom and aiden are already biased against her and while i can see gabby sticking with her i don't think she could convince tess.

i don't think magenta will be up for elimination again, mainly because i think their current drama needs some time to marinate. ashley won't turn on jake unless he gives her a Really Good reason, and i don't see that happening in a single episode. and if they take ally out that kills the tension of jake not knowing how it'll go. so that (along with them having the smallest team) has me leaning against them.

if it's yellow, it's probably yul. riya and alec have not been subtle about their dislike, and there's no longer a non-villain option. i guess if grett hasn't figured out his act by then it could be a tie (in which case i think yulgrett would vote for riya, and yul would win the tiebreaker for narrative purposes (it not making sense for him to go home before being exposed to grett)), but it could go differently. i think it's more likely to be cyan tho.

i should note i have no idea when to expect the merge. it feels too soon right now though.

also! i don't really think tess is in danger (although as team mediator and the tiebreaker between gabellie and tomaiden, she is the obvious candidate for getting out via trickery), but i do think she might be out soon- mainly, i'm expecting ally to be the one from her trio that lasts the longest, and i'm really interested to see how she reacts to tess elimination vs hunter. i also think it'd be interesting if tess gets out before they get much of a chance to catch up, and how that would affect things. anyways not likely to be next episode but i can maybe see that coming up at some point.

also also! i will very much enjoy seeing alec's response to fiore's elimination :3c (not that there will be one, of course, because he does not care :3c)

[ianthoni]

When they are reacting to Ian’s funeral roast Ian says to Cortney “when Anthony left you really stepped up and became the person that shuts all my ideas down” and Anthony reacting to it says something like “what do you mean you said I was the opposite ” and this has happened at least twice.

The thing is, I would believe that happen towards the end with all the bitterness and miss communication I buy Anthony being frustrated  with writhing sessions towards the end and I buy the “focusing on his best ideas” coming across as shutting ideas down when all communication broke down.

They grew and Ian does't want to talk about it ,clearly, and will never talk about it, he won't say "yhea that never actualy happened" he's not the type to bare his soul in videos and honestly that is somehow more genuine to me , i woldn't want to talk about it either and i don't need to know.

Oh you know that definitely happened cause he won't joke about this if it didn't happen. Ian has a tendency to make jokes about his traumas. I believe it happened and i think it was probably around that time too. Even though they were "close" you can see there's moments where Anthony has so much resentment. He said some mean shit to Ian too around that time so i wouldn't be surprised it's probably coming from Anthony feeling insecure about his job and taking it from Ian (he literally said this don't come at me) and shutting his ideas down because they're not good enough.

And Ian really doesn't wanna talk about his feelings or like bad shit that happened in the past. Like he said he is not aware when he's been put on emotional turmoil. He doesn't wanna make a big deal cause he doesn't wanna make a scene. This is the guy that broke his arm and didn't even ask for help from people. He also is not a grudging person. Probably coming from hiding his feelings and putting other peoples feelings higher than his own. He is not gonna say you did this to me in the X time cause this means a confrontation and he doesn't like talking about it. He wants to just not talk about this forever. But this exact thing was the reason they stopped talking in the beginning. Like if he wants the relationship to work he should open up and say when he is upset when the other did something he doesn't like etc. I think he is getting there. And I honestly believe Ian's feelings because you can see how much he is masking his feelings and emotions so when they come out slightly you know it's big. I just hope he does talk about this in therapy cause it's not healthy to put everything inside and lock the door he needs to let it out.

[undead-potatoes]

Not sure if anyone else has beat me to this, but tell me about how Jay and Rory speak? Anything that makes their voice 'theirs'?

This took a while to answer, not just bc my brain tapped out, but I got this ask in the middle of a redesign of Jay, so it just sat in my drafts for over 9 months while I tried to figure things out 🙈

Jay:

None of the in-game voices really fit him, with Voice 3 being the closest, but it's honestly not that close either (more on that in a sec).

As he's a Baldurian born and bread, he should probably have a commoner Baldurian accent (which seems to be just plain old "standard TV bri'ish"), but I reaaally like the idea of him having an accent closer to some of those found in northwestern England. Something like a Mancunian or Scouse accent, where the vowels get all big and distorted.

I was re-watching Ted Lasso when it hit me: Jamie fucking Tartt is the perfect voice claim for Jay. The accent, the pitch, the slight vocal fry, the way he sounds a little whiny when he's upset. Even with a more "standard" accent, Phil Dunster (Jamie's actor) has all the other qualities to his voice that I want for Jay. As far as I'm concerned, Phil is the voice of Jay through and through.

His vocabulary is very casual, using lots of common slang and informal terms of address like "mate" and "love", even when talking to relative strangers, and gravitates towards "babe" as a term of endearment for romantic and sexual partners (and his bestie Karlach, who belongs to neither one of the aforementioned categories).

While he used to swear a lot when he was younger, he tries to keep most of his swearing under wraps, a conscious effort to appear more professional when dealing with clients. He also tries his best to practice speaking in a relatively calm and even manner when dealing with other people, as he has a bad habit of talking both too fast and too loudly, especially when he's excited about something or feels flustered.

Those last two kind of fall apart after he and Karlach become close friends, her more loud personality and copious swearing rubbing off on him over the months they spend together. He's not complaining though - it's a hilariously small price to pay for genuine friendship.

Aurora:

Aurora's in-game voice is Voice 6, and I think that's pretty close to how I imagine her voice to be. It's rich and deep, without being scratchy. Her speech is surprisingly mellow and quiet, and she doesn't raise her voice much. She's not meek though, just a little reserved and naturally quiet.

She has a lowborn/commoner Baldurian accent, with a distinct burr (pronounced Rs) due to her upbringing in a primarily dwarven community. I'd like to imagine there are bits and bobs of Scottish terms and ways of speech there too. (I mean I'd love to give her a Scottish accent, the sexiest thing on this planet, but I'll stay within Ed's own canon here and just add some extra shit to it lmao).

There's also the occasional random outburst, when the Urges become too loud and she can't shake them off. It's usually short and a little aggressive like "shut up" or "fuck off" mumbled under her breath, which actually kinda works (source: personal experience). Other people can probably hear it a lot of the time, but they're usually nice enough to not mention it.

She has auditory tics too, especially when she's extra stressed out, and the others can often gauge just how bad it is based on how intense the tics and fidgeting is.

- - -

Cult!Aurora was even more quiet, and had a bad habit of not answering people or letting on what she was thinking at all. It really added to her intimidating presence, even if that wasn't her intention at all, she just didn't deem the people around her important enough to answer. The only real exception here is probably Gortash, who she would actually hold entire conversations with, but even he had to get used to the eerie quiet she often brought with her.